OUR RESPONSE TO THE CORONAVIRUS PANDEMIC: The safety of our viewers is Orsm's top priority. We are closely monitoring the Coronavirus [COVID-19] situation and are taking action based on guidance from public health officials. The measures we're undertaking include:
-Updates as usual, every fucking Thursday.
-Everything still fucking free as usual.
-Remaining intolerant of stupid people.
-We fixed the fucking video player page.
This will continue for as long as the crisis lasts and every Thursday past that. Sincerely, Orsm.
Welcome to the juice from an egg.
Probably safe to say there isn't one single person not affected by the Corona-crazy. I'd been planning to take a few days off from the world completely solo; escape south with a fishing rod and just relax. To achieve this, for the past few weeks I've been working my butt off to get ahead with updates to ensure a perfect continuity and not leave you guys howling. Now things've gone south and we're being strongly discouraged from any sort of travel the whole thing has been shit-canned. Whilst that's annoying the upside is if I'm forced to fulltime dad for a few weeks or go down with the Rona, updates will/should continue. I got you guys.
This whole isolation, social distancing etc stuff is nothing if not interesting. For starters my FB feed is full of posts from people complaining that they saw people out in public, at the beach, whatever. How the fuck did you see them if you weren't in public yourself? Next are the genius mums making a point of letting the world know they're taking their kids out of school [schools aren't closed here] and then heading off to meet up with their girlfriends for a coffee; kids in tow. I think maybe some people aren't getting how all this works..
I on the other hand have used the past couple of weekends to watch a couple of films... after all there is only so much Ghost Recon a man can play. In no particular order they were Parasite which won the Best Picture Oscar; Annihilation starring Natalie Portman; and Replicas starring Keanu Reeves. My review of these films are as follows: Shit. Would not watch again even if self-isolating for 1 million years.
Alright dudes lets get on with an absolutely smashing update. You know this one was a weird one to do - not kidding when I say the amount of Coronavirus related videos floating around out there far outnumbers everything else. Plenty of good ones and I've put them all into one big section below so you can hit or scroll to your hearts content. Oh and I really did fix the Orsm video player. HMU if you are still having issues. Check it...
China finally achieved their aim. To coronise the world.
--
Two guys wandered into a bar. One of the men shouted to the barkeeper "Hiya, Mike. Set 'em up for me and my pal here". Then he turned to his slightly dim partner and boasted "This is a great bar. For every two drinks you buy, the house gives you one. And the pinball machines in the back are free!" "That's not so great" his friend responded. "There's a bar across town that'll match you drink for drink, and you can get laid in the back for free". "Where is this place?" the first guy exclaimed. "Oh, I don't know" the dim fellow replied "but my wife goes there all the time".
--
The corona virus is the best thing that happened in my life. My wife does not want to travel anymore. She no longer buys anything, because everything comes from China. She no longer goes to the mall to avoid the crowd. She spends all her time in a mask with her mouth closed. This is not a virus. This is a blessing.
--
A plumber came knocking at Mark's door. "I've come to fix your blocked toilet" the plumber said. "We haven't got a blocked toilet" Mark replied. "Are you Mr Collis?" the plumber queried. "No" Mark answered. "He moved away six months ago". "There are some real bastards in the world" the plumber swore. "They ring for a plumber saying it's an emergency, then they piss off to another address".
--
I went to a party last night. I thought I looked pretty cool. Some Jewish guy approached me and said "The '70s called... they want their shirt back!" I said "Yeah? The '40s called... your shower's ready".
--
I was walking downtown, and I passed this homeless man who started shaking his cup of change at me and I was like, okay, dick, I get it, you have more money than me, don't rub it in.
--
Two soldiers are in the bathroom, one Army, one Navy. After they finish, the Navy soldier goes to wash his hands and looks over to see the Army soldier walking out the door. Disgusted, he called out "Didn't they teach you to wash your hands in the Army?" The Army soldier replied "No, they taught me not to piss on my fingers".
--
A cabby picked up 3 rather large women and was taking them downtown. As they were talking, he thought he detected a Scottish accent. he asked "Are you three ladies from Scotland?" They looked at each other silently, then one of the sneered at him and said "It's Wales, you idiot". "Oh, excuse me. Are you three whales from Scotland?"
--
A man takes his dog to the cinema. They sit there together, watching the movie and the dog is absolutely loving it. He's crying at the sad parts. Laughing at the funny bits. After the movie, they're leaving the theatre and a movie-goer comes up to them and says "Hey man, I just saw you and your dog in there, watching the film. It was amazing". He said, pointing to the dog "He looked like he was absolutely loving it! He was crying at the sad parts, laughing at the funny bits..." The man replies "Yeah I know, it's crazy... because he hated the book".
--
Son: "Mum, I was coming home on the bus with dad and he told me to give up my seat for a lady". Mother: "Well that's a nice and polite thing to do". Son: "Yes, but I was sitting on dad's lap at the time".
An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn't speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word. The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing. The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says "Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake". My God" says his mother. "You can speak?" To which the German boy replies "Of course". "How come you've never spoken before?" asks his father. "Well" says the boy "up until now, everything has been satisfactory".
--
The doctor finished performing a battery of costly tests and got the results. "I'm afraid I have some bad news, Mr. Cassidy" he said "you have approximately six months to live". "But I don't have insurance, doctor" said Cassidy "and I can't skimp and save enough to pay for those tests in that time!" "All right, all right" said the doctor. "Let's say nine months, then".
--
A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is. Angus puts up his hand and says 'G'.
--
A shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island, completely alone. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out towards him. When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him "The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued".
A tourist in Ireland goes into a local pub and orders a pint. While sitting at the bar he gets into conversation with the barman and learns that it's a really close community who often meet and enjoy time together at the pub.
As they talk, a local stands up and the bar goes silent. "Twenty-four!" he calls out, before sitting back down, to which the establishment reacts with laughing and smirking.
Bewildered, but accepting he's foreign to the culture the tourist continues with his drink, when he realises that another regular has stood up, again to silence.
"Forty-one!" The pub again was filled with the laughter and giggling of those who understood what was going on.
Even more confused, the tourist called over the bartender and asked what on earth was going on. "Oh, that" the bartender responded. "The locals here are all so familiar with each other that when they say jokes they don't need to repeat the whole thing. Each joke has a number and they just say that". "Really?" The tourist was impressed. "Do you think I could try?" "Of course, you've seen how it's done".
Nervous, the tourist got to his feet, unsure of what to say. Silence exaggerated his anxiety.
"Ninety-three!" he called out, to which the pub exploded with laughter. People were rolling on the floor and choking on their drinks with laughter. The tourist hadn't expected such a great response, he leaned over the bar amidst the noise and said to the barman "Why was the reaction so crazy?" The barman replied "It's been a while since the folk here have been told a joke they haven't heard before!"
My company is locked down and I am required to work from home. I'm used to working in an open office space so this is a huge change for me. In order to make the transition as easy as possible, I have prepared my home office to remind me of work.
I've purchased a piece of Limburger cheese and placed it on a plate in the middle of the room to remind me of the smell of certain colleagues I'm now prevented from seeing.
I've placed a few pieces of cardboard in all window panes in order to produce a draft.
I've purchased ten portable radios and tuned them to different talk radio channels, adjusting the volume to slightly above normal conversation volume. At least one radio channel host has a loud and penetrating laughter. Half of the channels are allowed some professional content, but no more.
I've had automatic blinds installed but asked the installer to reverse the motor so the blinds go up when the sun shines through my window and down when it gets cloudy.
I found a handful of old mobile phones and installed some loud and distinctive ring tones that I found online. I've agreed with my colleagues that they call them a few times per hour, avoiding the temptation to answer them until my colleagues hang up - like in the office.
For a proper coffee experience, I brew my coffee the day before. Whenever I need a cup of coffee, I reheat the entire bottle in the microwave and pour myself a cup.
I have purchased both a cooling unit and a heating unit. They are adjusted so that the cooling unit engages at two degrees higher than the heating unit disengages. It is important for them to thus compete against each other, because otherwise I won't get a lifelike simulation of the HVAC system in our office.
I have replaced all of my office plants with wax plants - you know, those plants that are typically arranged in an upright torus and bark covering the soil. They require minimal maintenance, and require only some cuts and adjustments every now and then, thus being treated much like all other life in the office.
Whenever I begin working on a task, I start an egg timer so that it takes no more than 23 minutes before I get interrupted.
I've invested in an electrically adjustable desk. I realise that only few people actually make use of this feature but it sends an important message about the company's concern for the well-being of its employees. If you have no pain in your back, then everything is fine.
I remove all of my personal items, PC connections, etc. from my desk every afternoon, because although I intend to use them all the next morning, I must be reminded that I can never know where I will be placed on the next work day.
I've printed a number of letter-sized sheets with text and accompanying stick men (M/F, of course) that communicate how to be considerate of your employees. This is exclusively to set a proper atmosphere because just like in the office, no-one follows the recommendations.
I have installed an additional DHCP server on my home network in order to get IP address conflicts.
It will be expensive, but at least once a week I'll be hiring a construction team to perform noisy work.
And voila! The magic of the office at home.
GIRLS CHASING THAT HEALTHY, ALL-0VER, TAN.......... ARE VERY OKAY!
A man got mocked and bullied all of his life because he had a girl's name. He got married and was so happy that someone treated him normally. His wife had a baby girl, who she named Love, in honour of their love and his unique name.
She was also mocked and bullied at school.
One day she couldn't take it anymore. Love shot her dad in the chest and screamed "WHY DID YOU GIVE ME SUCH A STUPID NAME?"
She ran away, leaving him lying on the floor.
Her mum came in there, saw him, and started crying. "What happened?! Who did this?" He asked her to come closer. He could hardly move and whispered in her ear "I was shot through the heart, and you're to blame. Darling, you gave Love a bad name.
A tramp walks into a pub and asks for a toothpick. The barman sees no harm in this and so gives him a toothpick. The tramp then leaves the pub.
A couple of minutes later another tramp enters the bar and asks for a toothpick. The barman obliges and the tramp goes on his way.
The same thing happens three more times in the next 10 minutes. The barman is perplexed. another tramp walks in, this time asking for a straw.
The confused barman's curiosity gets the better of him so he asks "For the last quarter of an hour, tramps have been coming in asking me for toothpicks, then you come in asking for a straw. Why?"
The tramp replies "Well, someone's been sick outside and all the best bits have gone".
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A man comes home from work, depressed and tired, waiting whole day to see his wife and kids to cheer up a little bit. He enters the apartment, nobody is there, he goes into his bedroom and his wife is naked on top of another man, going hard at it making a lot of noise.
Fucked up from what he saw, he loses all hope, decides to go to the balcony to end his miserable life. He steps out on the balcony ready to jump, and his daughter is there having sex with a huge muscular black man, going hard at it. He can't believe what's in front of him.
He goes to the bathroom to cut his veins, he can't take any more of this. He opens the bathroom door, and another shock for him, his son is there giving a blowjob to and older gentleman, moaning and enjoying it.
He decides to go out, take a walk and think about everything he saw, still shocked from everything. He's walking through the city, smoking one cigarette after another, thinking what went wrong and what the fuck is happening.
After hours of walking he sees the bridge, and with it sees another opportunity to end it all, there is no point to any of this. Just as he's about to jump, someone pulls at his jacket - it's a red-haired dwarf.
He tells him "Man what are you doing? Whatever happened it's not worth it, you get one life, you can't just throw it away like that".
The man is not convinced, he starts climbing the fence, and the dwarf pulls him once again. He tells him "Hey man, listen to me now, I don't say this to a lot of people, but ever since childhood, I had these powers, see I'm a magical dwarf. I have ability to change things and make everything right for another human being, but it comes at great cost for me, I have to live in great pain for a long period of time so I don't do it often. But I haven't done it in a while, and I'm ready to do again".
The man, intrigued, decides to entertain his idea. After all, what's there to lose anyway.
The dwarf tells him "All you gotta do, is give me a blowjob, I haven't gotten one in forever, I'm really lonely, but you do that for me, I save your life, I'll make everything right for you again". The man thinks to himself, what is one blowjob, if it doesn't work out I'm going to kill myself anyway, there is nothing to lose.
The dwarf pulls his pants down, and the man starts going at it. He's doing everything dwarf tells him to, and after a couple of minutes, he finishes him.
The dwarf tells him "Okay, let's do this, how old are you? That's important". The man tells him he's 47-years-old. The dwarf looks at him "Damn, 47 and you still believe in magical dwarfs huh?"
I'm writin' this real slow cause I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Well, I hope this catches you up on things that's going on around here!!
Your cuz, Bubba.
PS. I would have enclosed $20 but I had already sealed the envelope.
Grandad's sitting out on his chair watching as little Johnny grabs a worm and pulls it from its hole in the lawn.
"Well done, Johnny" he says "but I'll give you $5 if you can put it back in the hole". He watches the boy try to poke the worm back in numerous times, and soon falls asleep.
Sometime later, he's woken by Johnny shaking him saying "Look Grandad!". The worm is no longer soft and bendy, but hard and rigid, and the boy easily pushes it back into the ground.
"I say!" says Grandad "How did you do that?" "I sprayed it with Granny's hairspray". "What a good idea. I suppose I'd better get you $5".
Johnny waits as Grandad goes into the house, but he doesn't come back for an hour. When he does, he says "Here's your $5 Johnny. And here's $50 from your Granny as well".
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.
"Yeah right!" she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.
Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed...
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly.
The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!
The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers,
"I don't know where we were or what we did... but, by *somehow* we took FIRST and SECOND place!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A sixty-year-old man walks into a drug store and walks up to the girl at the checkout counter.
He asks her "Do you sell condoms here?" "Sure. What size are you?" "I don't know" he replies. "Well, just let me check" the cashier says.
She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then says over the intercom "Extra-large condoms to the checkout counter please. Extra-large condoms to the checkout counter".
A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.
Later, a thirty-year-old man walks into the store and up to the checkout counter. He asks the girl "Do you sell condoms here?" The cashier replies "Sure. What size do you need?" "Well, I don't know". "Allow me to check for you" she says as she unzips his pants and takes a couple of tugs. She then says over the intercom "Large condoms to the checkout counter please. Large condoms to the checkout counter".
A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.
Sometime later, a eighteen-year-old boy, hoping to get lucky, walks up to the girl at the checkout counter and asks sheepishly "Um, ah, do you guys sell condoms here?" "Yep" she says. "What size do you need?" "I don't know" he says nervously. "Allow me to check for you" she says.
The cashier unzips his pants for a feel, pauses for a moment and then says over the intercom "Clean up at the checkout counter please. Clean up at the checkout counter".
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "About two hours".
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says "About three hours".
The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "About an hour and half".
The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey. Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he haste wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back".
A lithe while later. Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks "Bill, where did he go when he let here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says "Your house!"
PORNSTAR ALAINA KRISTAR IS HIGH ON THE "TASTY" METER
A blonde is done with all the blonde jokes. So, she makes a plan. She sells her house, dyes her hair and packs her stuff in her small car. She heads in a random direction to find a place to start her new life as a brunette.
After some time driving, she finds herself in a hilly landscape. She is in unknown territory and decides it's time for her first smart act.
She sees some sheep and a herder in a field yonder and decides to crawl up a small hill and count the sheep. Being very careful not to be seen. After counting 3 times she heads down the hill and approaches the herder.
"Herder" she says. "If I guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?".
The herder is a bit taken aback. He is not used to being approached in the middle of nowhere by a lovely lady. "Yes, if you guess how many sheep are in my flock. You can have one".
The girl says "261". The herder is shocked! "Wow, that is correct! Pick any one you like".
The girl picks one up and walks back to her car. Very pleased with herself. But just as she is about to close the trunk, the herder asks... "If I guess you real hair colour... can I have my dog back?"
Well... I AM DONE. w00t. Ha. Remeber that? When people used to say w00t? Anyway, in closing....
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. Verified by the WHO..........'s WHO as a great way to pass time during lockdown.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Aka the flipside.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will steal all your toilet paper.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and keep your hands clean. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2020.03.19-20.52
Interesting week. Everything went from Carona-cautious to Carona full retard. And how's it affecting me you ask? Well I've been practicing social distancing for most of my life and now having the government step in and strongly encourage us to avoid each other can only be seen as a windfall. Sunday was noteworthy though. After heading off at 6am to avoid the crowds and do the weekly fresh food shop and finding the place more or less decimated I steered toward the local farmers market. Thankfully got the fruit and veg sorted there but an hour or two later received an SMS saying our pickup grocery order had been cancelled due to no stock. Decided to make a beeline for the local independent supermarket which was fucking insanity but thankfully managed to get most what we need to get through the week. The logical part of my brain had been thinking that once idiots finish unnecessarily hoarding everything, supermarket stocks will return to normal but as more and more restrictions come into place the pessimistic part of my brain is rationalising the transport industry will come to a standstill and I'll starve to death. Sure, I've got enough 'padding' on me to survive an apocalyptic few years and ultimately I'll outlive my family, friends and most of society... by which time Corona will have fucked off, the supermarkets will be replenished and everything will be all good. #winning. Check it...
A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. "Wow, this bed is big!" "Everything is bigger in Texas" says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. "Wow these drinks are big!" The bartender replies "Everything is big in Texas". After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. "Second door to the right" says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts "Don't flush, don't flush!"
--
A woman was in a coma and she had been for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma". The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that with the curtains closed for privacy, and his co-operation it might just work. He finally agreed and went into his wife's room. A few minutes passed and then the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heartbeat, alarms ringing, the nurses burst into the room. "What happened?" they cried. The husband said "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".
--
My mother in law has weekly lessons with the Devil on how to be more evil. I don't know how much he's paying her.
--
As I walked into the bank there was a really fat drunk woman slumped beside the door. When I came out, she asked me "Any change?" "No" I replied "you're still fat and drunk".
--
Dr Mahony tells his patient "I have bad news and worse news, John". "Oh dear" John replies. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient. The doctor replies "I got your test results. They said you only have 24 hours to live". "That's terrible" says the patient. "But how can the news possibly be worse?" Dr Mahony replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday".
--
On the last occasion that Prince Charles visited Australia, he attended a function at Wagga Wagga, where he was met by various dignitaries, including the Mayor of Wagga Wagga. Whilst having a cocktail, the Mayor said to the Prince "Your Highness, it's quite a hot day and yet you have chosen an unusual style of headwear, a fur cap. Isn't that quite hot and uncomfortable?" The Prince replied "Well, yes, it is actually, but it was Mummy's idea". "I'm sorry, Her Majesty told you to wear it?" said the Mayor. "Oh, yes" replied Charles. "I spoke to her by telephone this morning. She asked me what I was doing today and I told her I was attending a reception at Wagga Wagga. She then said 'Wear the fox hat'"
--
As I opened the front door, I was confronted with the unmistakable sounds of someone making love to my wife upstairs. I took a moment to compose myself before doing what any man in my predicament would have done. I slowly backed out of the front door and went to the pub. Anybody prepared to have sex with her must be a fucking psycho!
--
A Catholic priest was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large shopping mall's parking lot. "Lord" he prayed "I can't stand this. If you open space up for me, I swear I'll give up drinking me whisky, and I'll even promise to leave the choirboys alone". Suddenly, the clouds parted, and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the priest said "Never mind, I found one".
Last night I accused the wife of cheating on me with a black guy. She broke down sobbing and said "Nothing you say could be less true!" Looking over the top of the paper, I replied "What about - you're a slender, fit, attractive 60kg woman".
--
The anthropology professor was well known for making sexist comments and jokes in class much to the dismay of the feminist female students. The women students got together outside class and decided that after the next sexist comment from the professor they would stand up and walk out of class in solidarity. The next day the professor, while lecturing on a certain African tribe, said: "And you ladies will be glad to know that the average penis size of the tribesmen is 12 inches!" At that moment all the women in the class stood up and began filing out. The professor then said: "Wait! Wait ladies! The next flight to Nairobi doesn't leave until tomorrow morning!"
--
My friend has this really weird obsession with snakes. He says he'd rather spend a day at a snake farm than spend a night with a woman. I think he has A Reptile Dysfunction
--
The other night I got stuck in a line at the Wal-Mart. After 5 minutes I coughed and said "This cough has been getting worse ever since I got back from China".
The tramp sat in his park, as normal one cold winter day. He saw a young girl playing on the frozen lake. The ice gave and she fell in. Acting quickly, the tramp ran onto the ice and managed to pull her out and get her back to shore.
Waiting for him was a man in a suit. The girl ran over to him and hugged him. The man looked at the tramp and shook his hand. "Thank you so much for saving my daughter" the man said "I have to give you a reward. What would you like?" The tramp responded "Oh, I couldn't ask for anything I was just happy to help". The man told the tramp that he was in the oil business and that money was not a question and demanded the tramp ask for any reward he wished.
Finally, the tramp said "Well, to be honest, I've always wanted a holiday but never could have one". The man told the tramp to come with him to his car. Once there the man got a piece of paper from his car.
"This is a ticket to an upcoming cruise my company is having. It'll have food, entertainment, and the nicest rooms on any ship. All yours, all expenses paid" the man explained. The tramp took the paper and thanked the man.
A few days later, the tramp arrived at the docks to board the cruise. As he tried to walk up the ramp he was stopped by an attendant. "Excuse me, but you need a ticket to be here so I'm going to need you to leave" the attendant said. "But I do have one" the tramp responded as he pulled out his paper. The attendant looked it over. "Hold on, let me get the captain".
After a few moments a man the tramp assumed to be the captain walks down the ramp. "Let me see that ticket". The captain said as he ripped the paper from the tramp's hand. After looking it over the captain motions for the tramp to follow him.
They walk through the ship, the captain talking about what the cruise offers. "So, we have a pool, all you can eat buffet, shuffleboard, tanning beds, and several other activities but I have some bad news".
The tramp's smile that had grown on his face turned into a frown.
"Well what's wrong?" he asked. "Well" started the captain "we're still doing some preparations so you'll have to wait in your room until we're ready".
The tramp figured that made sense so he asked to see his room. The tramp and the captain headed off towards the first class rooms. But they walked past them and headed down the stairs. They passed the third class cabins, then the kitchen then the crew quarters then the engine room, down all the way to the bottom of the ship.
The captain opens the door to a room barely larger than a closet. It was dark and damp and had little more than a cot.
The tramp exclaimed "Wow! This is fantastic!" Compared to sleeping outside in the dead of winter, it truly was. The captain reminded the tramp to not come out until he was told the preparations were completed and that they'd send someone.
A few hours pass the tramp gets hungry. He decided to go see if the preparations were almost done yet so he headed up to the top deck. The ship was bustling with passengers enjoying all the pleasantries of the ship. The tramp figured they must have just finished and decided to enjoy his holiday. He pigs out at the buffet, splashes around in the pool, and generally causes a ruckus. The captain catches wind of this disruption and confronts the tramp.
"I thought I told you to stay in your room!" the captain said with a scowl. "Well I-" "No, no, no". The captain interrupted "You broke my rules so now you have to do something for me. Go back to your room, someone will get you in a bit for your job".
The tramp returned to his room and waited for a couple hours until finally the attendant knocked on the door. "We're ready for you" he says, and the two return to the pool. There's a new ladder now, climbing so high into the sky it passes the clouds. The captain tells the tramp that if he can dive off that diving board that he would make the tramp captain.
The tramp agrees and begins his ascent.
This ladder is tall. Like, loony toons proportions. He climbs up and up, farther and farther into the sky. When he finally reaches and top, he peers over the edge and can't even see the ship anymore.
He takes a deep breath and jumps.
He plunges down through the air, through the clouds and into the pool, but he keeps going down through the first class cabins, the third class cabins and the kitchen and the crew quarters and the engine, all the way down until he comes to a stop in his room. The people on deck gather around the hole and stare for several minutes until the tramp bursts triumphantly through the door to the deck. Everyone burst into applause and the captain runs up to shake the tramp's hand. He says "That's the most amazing thing I've ever seen in my life! How did you survive that?!"
"Well" says the tramp "you see captain in my life I've been through many a hard ship".
A student goes to talk to his professor about his grade
The student comes up to the professor "What is this, why did you grade me an 80?" The professor looks at the exam again "Yep, an 80 is what you deserve"
The student takes the exam back, and asks "If I bite my own eye, will you give me an 85?"
The professor is surprised, but still he agrees, at which point the student then takes out his glass eye - and bites it.
The shocked professor then takes the exam back, and marks it 85.
The student then says "If I'll bite my nose, will you give me a 90?" The professor is once again shocked. 'He can't pull out his nose' he thinks to himself. He finally agrees, at which point the student takes out his dentures, and bites his own nose.
The professor then once again takes the exam, and marks the grade 90.
The student then makes another offer "If I'll get up on this table, and pee the perfume Coco Chanel on you, will you give me a 100?"
The professor now has to see what this kid can do, so he agrees.
The student goes on the table, and pees all over the professor, the professor's shirt is soaking wet. He sniffs it. "What the hell?! This isn't Coco Chanel! This is piss!" The student then goes "Fine, we'll leave it at 90".
Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West. This was in the days when the Wild West meant Texas and Arizona, with Indians, outlaws, tornados and droughts-not the current situation, where the Wild West means California and you have to brave hot tubs, mellow speak, fires and earthquakes. That is, it was a simpler time.
So, Fred found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at the wildest saloon in the territory. He soon proved how rough and tough he was, and the owner of the bar was pleased with how he broke up fights and didn't skim too much off the receipts. He told Fred that he was doing a fine job, but he should remember one thing:
"If you ever hear even a rumour that Mad Martin is coming to town, just save what you can, put a bottle of Red Eye on the counter, and get out of town as fast as you can".
Fred was pretty perplexed at this, and sought explanation. He was told that Mad Martin was an old mountain man who lived up in the hills and only came to town once or twice a year. However, Martin was the most dangerous guy they'd ever heard of and few had ever encountered him and lived to tell the tale.
Fred listened carefully and then promptly forgot all about it.
Until, one day a few months later, a cowboy came riding through town at full speed, yelling "Martin's coming! Head for the hills!" The result was incredible. Everybody in town immediately jumped on their horses and took off for the hills. Except Fred. He wanted to see this guy because he didn't believe he could be all that tough. So, Fred just put the bottle of Red Eye on the bar, hid behind the counter and waited.
He didn't wait long. Soon there was a noise in the street. As Fred looked out a hole in the wall, he saw this huge, mean-looking guy ride down the centre of the street on the biggest bull buffalo that Fred had ever seen. The guy stopped the buffalo in front of the bar, jumped off the beast, punched it in the head, dropping the critter to its knees, and bellowed "Wait here 'til I get back!"
The fellow turned and walked up the steps. Fred saw that the guy had a pair of huge mountain lions on leashes. He tied them both to a post and kicked them soundly, hollering "You pussycats stay here 'til I'm done!" The cats fearfully sat down.
Into the bar stormed the fellow, ripping the doors off the wall as he passed. With two strides he approached the bar, picked up the bottle of Red Eye, bit off the neck, and downed it all in one gulp.
Poor Fred, thoroughly frightened by now, let out a little whimper. The guy looked down over the bar and roared "What the hell do you think you're looking at!?" Fred managed to say "N-n-n-nothing, mister. Do you want another bottle of Red Eye?" To which the fellow replied "Hell no! I don't have time! I gotta get out of here - Mad Martin's coming!"
Charles, Angus and Patrick had just broken out of prison. Knowing that the police were hot on their tails, they dashed into the nearest building they could find - an old pub. Worried that the police would arrive at any second, they headed into the basement to hide. In the basement they found three large burlap sacks, which they hastily climbed into in an attempt to conceal themselves.
A policeman walked into the pub and asked the old landlord if he had seen three men enter. The man pondered for a while, before pointing a wrinkled old finger to the door leading to the basement.
The policeman entered the basement to find the three sacks leaning against the wall. Curious, he kicked the first one, inside of which hid Charles. Thinking on his feet, Charles did his best impression of a dog. "Woof woof, woof woof" he barked.
The policeman frowned, but said nothing. He moved to the next bag, where Angus hid, and decided to kick it too. Following Charles' lead, Angus began to purr like a cat. Again, the policeman frowned, but said nothing.
Finally, he came to Patrick's bag, which he again kicked. Patrick, who had been trying desperately to understand the others' plan, smiled, and shouted, with as much conviction as he could muster "POTATOES!"
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A country boy visited the city and met a girl in a bar who invited him back to her house. When they got there, she undressed and told him to get naked too.
She said: "Let's start with a 69" The country boy replied: "What's that?"
With that she got him into position, and they went at it. Within a minute of starting, the city girl felt a fart coming on. She tried holding it back, but she figured the country boy was probably enjoying what she was doing to him and just let it rip
Less than a minute later, she felt another one coming on and since he hadn't said anything, let this one out as well.
After that, the country boy pushed her off, got up, and started getting dressed
The city girl, embarrassed, asked "I guess you didn't like that, huh?" The country boy said: "No, it was fine, but I just don't think I could take 67 more of those!"
Stanley goes out drinking one night and gets blackout drunk. He wakes up the next morning to find that he has lost his credit card. He needs to get it back but he got so drunk he doesn't remember which bar he ended up at. The only thing he remembers is that the bar had a golden toilet.
He walks into downtown and goes into one bar and asked the bartender "Excuse me, this is a weird question, but do you happen to have a golden toilet here?" "A golden toilet? I don't think so" the bartender said, giving him a strange look.
The man walked into another bar "Excuse me, you don't happen to have a golden toilet here, do you?" said Stanley. "A golden toilet, huh? Don't be ridiculous".
This continues all day until finally Stanley walks into a bar all the way on the other side of town. He asks the bartender "Excuse me, I know this is going to sound strange, but do you have a golden toilet here? I got really drunk last night and left my credit card at a bar with a golden toilet".
The bartender smiles, turns around and yells "Hey Bob, I think we found the guy who took a shit in your tuba!"
A young, and very conservative couple is planning to get married. They are deeply in love, but have scarcely done more than hold hands, and only with each other. As they walk along the downtown streets of their city, admiring wedding dresses and cakes at various shops, and making notes about what they like, the conversation slowly takes a serious turn.
The man says "Look, there is something I need to share with you. I have never shared this with anyone, but I have heard that penis size is important to women".
"I'm confused" says the young woman.
"I'm hung like a baby" the man replies.
The woman thinks for a moment, then replies "Well, as you know, I am a virgin and have nothing to compare it to, so I don't think it matters. I love you, and I am looking forward to a happy life with you".
Feeling relieved, the man begins walking again, and the woman follows but looks concerned.
Finally, after a long pause, she says "I, too, should share something with you. I know from my friends that men love large breasts on a woman, and I must tell you that I am afraid you will be disappointed. I wear a padded bra, I am basically flat as a board, and I am very nervous that you will not like me so much when you see me naked".
The man thinks for a moment, then replies "My dear, you know I have nothing to compare your chest to, in the nude, and I love you, so I am not concerned. Let's be married and have a happy life".
Both relieved, they continue planning the wedding, and shortly thereafter they do get married.
On the wedding night, both are understandably nervous, being as inexperienced as they are. They kiss, and slowly begin remove each other's clothing.
As the young woman's shirt, and then her bra, come off, sure enough - not even an A cup. But, this man loves his new wife, and continues with enthusiasm.
Soon, the woman slowly works the man's pants off, and slowly slides down his underwear. Immediately after seeing his penis, in a very anticipatory state, she faints.
In a panic, the young man elevates her legs and ensures she is breathing as she is clearly in shock. Soon enough, she comes to, and he is relieved.
He promptly asks if she is ok, to which she replies "I thought you said you were hung like a baby?"
"I am" he says "21.5 inches, 8 pounds, 9 ounces".
30 OF THE BEST CHANGING ROOM SELFIES YOU'LL SEE TODAY
A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar, strolls up to the bar and sighs "Give me a Guinness, mate" The bartender gives him his drink and asks "Rough day? " the black piece of tarmac replies "Yep. I'm part of the A1 Freeway and I've had all sorts over me today. 12 fucking lorries, a tank, and half a hundred cars".
At this point a second black piece of tarmac walks into the bar, strolls right up to the bartender and sighs "Give me the strongest drink you have"
The bartender gives him his drink and asks "Rough day?" and once again he gets his answer. "Yep. I'm part of the M25 and I've had non-stop traffic on me all day. 54 lorries, 90 freaking cars and a fucking tanker".
The two black pieces of tarmac chat amongst themselves when the doors get kicked open by a piece of green tarmac. As he stomps up to the bar the two pieces of black tarmac run and hide in the bathroom.
The piece of green tarmac gets to the bar he spits on the floor and eyes the bartender. "Give me a fucking beer now" he demands to the bartender. The bartender being used to rude customers acquiesces and gives him his drink. "Rough day?" he asks. The green piece of tarmac downs his drink smashes the glass on the floor and stomps back out of the bar.
The two black pieces of tarmac come out from cowering in the toilets and sit back down at the bar. The bartender bewildered asks "The fuck was his problem?" The two black pieces of tarmac exchange a glance "him? Oh he's a fucking cycle path".
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My grandfather died and I inherited some of his belongings. He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.
For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them.
After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection.
When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie.
Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
Parts of the body are having a debate. One day all the body parts are gathered together to discuss who amongst them should be the leader.
The brain steps forward and says "I should be the leader for I am the cleverest. I keep everyone organised and find solutions to problems".
Everyone is quite impressed until the heart steps forward and says "I should be the leader for I am the most important and vital organ. I supply the blood and keep everyone moving. Let us also not forget that a person can survive brain death but not the lack of a heart".
The debate keeps on until a mysterious figure emerges. It's the sphincter.
He says "Howdy. I reckon y'all ought to let me be the leader".
Before he could carry on his pitch the rest of the body parts were already laughing and jeering at his ridiculous proposal. So, the sphincter stormed off and shut down.
Within a week the waste had built up causing problems for everyone including the heart and brain, until finally they relented and let sphincter be the leader.
The moral of the story is. To be a leader you don't have to be smart or important, just an arsehole.
WHO THE FUCK IS HARLEY DEAN? I'M GLAD YOU ASKED...
An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.
No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place - two rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, potbellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location. It was suspended in mid-air by wires attached to the ceiling beams.
"Fascinating" said the psychologist. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb".
"Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin".
"With all due respect" interrupted the theologian "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries". The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue.
When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy potbellied stove from the ceiling. His answer was succinct. "Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe.
Well to the end we've arrived. If you're sad, anxious or perhaps triggered by that - read on...
-Follow me on Facebook. All SOME of the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. Better for you than smoking meth.
-Next update will be next Thursday; health permitting.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will ??
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stay safe out there. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2020.03.12-20.04
Welcome to farts that don't dissipate.
Blink and you miss it. Absolutely no idea where the past week has gone. Has been like that for most of summer to be honest. Part of me is glad it's over. I'm actually kind of staggered how much social stuff/shit has been on this year and a lot of it can be blamed on child ownership being a parent. I'd say most weekends thus far there's been between 1-4 social events each weekend; there's always a friend/cousin/neighbour/whoever celebrating something. We've run out of magnets to stick the fucking invitations to the fridge. Thankfully things are looking up at least. When COVID-19 finally arrives here in full force the invites will either dry up or we can go ahead and decline them for fear crossing paths with any Chinese, Iranian, Korean, Italian or black people [joking!!! settle!!].
As I mention below, this update is a monster. Wanted to go bigger but have doubts the servers will take it. Check it...
Son: "Dad, what's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?" Me: "Hmm... okay... follow me". We walked up the hallway into the bedroom where his mother was asleep. I slowly pulled back the blanket and pointed "See that? That's a pussy..." Son: "Can I touch it?" Me: "NO!! Certainly not! If you touch it then the cunt'll wake up!"
--
A girl was given a tea set for her second birthday. It became one of her favourite toys, and when her mother went away for a few weeks to care for her sick aunt, the toddler loved to take her father a little cup of tea, which was just water really, while he was engrossed watching the news on TV. He sipped each "cup of tea" he was brought and lavished generous praise on the taste, leaving the little girl immensely proud. Eventually the mother returned home and the father couldn't wait to show her how his little princess had been looking after him. On cue, the girl took him his "cup of tea" and he sipped it before praising it to the heavens. The mother watched him drink it and said: "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
--
A woman goes to the doctor for help, because every day her husband comes home from work, he beats her. The doctor tells her to fill her mouth with water and swish it around when he arrives at home. She should keep doing this every day. A week later, the woman sees the doctor in the street, and runs up to him to thank him for the wonderful advice. She says her husband hasn't lifted a single hand to her. She asks the doctor what wonderful water swishing technique this is and what is the purpose of swishing the water in the mouth, and how it solved her problem. The doctor replies "Oh there's no technique to it really. It simply keeps your mouth shut".
--
A traveling salesman on business met a young blonde lady in a bar and invited her to his room. As she was disrobing, he said "Say, how old are you?" "Thirteen" she said. "Thirteen?! My God! You're a child! Put your clothes back on right now and get out of here!" On her way out the door, the confused nymphet paused, turned to him, and said "You're superstitious, right?"
--
An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning, whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off". Debra replied "Could you jack off? I feel like shit".
--
Fred and Jim were in the middle of a game of golf when Fred pulled out a 12-inch Bic lighter to spark up a cigarette. "Wow, where did you get such a large Bic?" asked Jim. "Oh, I've got this old genie in my golf bag" said Fred. "If you want, I'll get him out and he'll grant you a wish - but only one, so make sure you get it right". A wizened genie appeared and Fred said "I want a million bucks!" The genie nodded, disappeared and the sky immediately darkened. Looking up, Jim saw an enormous flock of ducks blotting out the sky. Pissed off, he turned to Fred and said "I said a million BUCKS, not a million ducks!" "Hey, do you really think I asked for a 12-inch Bic?" Fred replied.
--
Mrs Jones is suffering from a rare heart condition. She goes to see the doctor and he prescribes male hormones - testosterone, 2 pills a day. She takes them and 2 months late goes back to the doctor and says "Doctor, that hormone medicine is doing wonders for my heart, the only problem is that I'm growing hair in places I've never had hair before". The doctor says "Don't worry about is Mrs Jones, the hair is to be expected. Where exactly is this hair growing" he asks. She says "On my balls doctor... on my balls".
A female weightlifter goes into the doctors and says "I've been taking steroids for so long now, I've grown a cock". "Anabolic?" says the doctor. "No, just a cock" she replied.
--
The missus had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf. When she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and Asked "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?" "I was stung by a bee" she said. "Where" he asked. "Between the first and second hole" she replied. He nodded knowingly and said "Then your feet are too far apart."
--
One night a well-dressed vampire walks into a bar. The bartender asks the vampire what he will be having. The vampire replies just a cup of boiling water. The bartender looks at him funny but gets him a cup of boiling water. The vampire takes his cup and goes off to sit down. The bar tender shrugs and goes back to cleaning the glasses. The next night the vampire returns, and once again asks for a cup of boiling water, gets it from the bartender and goes to sit down. The third night the vampire returns and asks for the cup of boiling water again. This time the bartender puzzled, finally asks the vampire. Sir you come in every night to a BAR and only order boiling water, why? The vampire pulls out a tampon and says "It's for tea!"
--
A guy with a sausage sticking out of one ear, a pretzel out the other, and two nachos hanging out of his nostrils goes to see a doctor. He says "Doc, I've been exercising like mad, but I can't seem to lose weight". The doctor looks at him and says "And you never will, until you start eating sensibly".
I guy walks in to a bar. Looking kind of miserable, he has a story to tell.
The barman says "Hey, how ya doing? You don't look so good..." The guy replies "Last night ... last night was the worst night of my life". "Oh really?" says the barkeep "How bad can it be?"
So, the guy tells his story...
"Last night, I had a drink or two, down at Sally's bar. Ya know Sally? with the big ...?" "Yeah, I know Sally" says barman.
"So I was down there, just having a couple. Feeling pretty good, and Sally says to me, she says 'Hey, I want to close up early. Why don't ya come back with me back to my place?'"
"Wow, says the barman. That's not a bad night"
"Wait for it, I haven't finished yet. We go back to her place. She's clearly feeling frisky. I try it on a bit, ya know? Ease over on the couch. She jumps at it. Rips my clothes off. Rips her clothes off. We jump on the bed and start going at it. So we're bangin' away, ooohin' and ahhhin'".
"Hey that's pretty good! Sally is a very nice girl. What a night!" says barman.
"Wait, I haven't finished yet. So we're goin' at it, ooohin' and ahhhin'. You'll never guess what happens?"
"What happened?" says barkeep.
"There's a sound of keys in the door. It's her boyfriend. She says 'Oh no, quick, he's crazy. You've got to hide'. So I look for a place, but there's nothing. I end up out on the window ledge, hanging from me fingers. It's pitch black, cold outside, the wind is whipping passed my arse and I'm freezing to death!"
"Oh I see the problem" says the barman.
"Wait, I haven't finished yet. The guy walks in, sees Sally on the bed naked, jumps in straight away. And they're banging away and ooohin' and aaaahin'. And I'm stuck outside, pitch black, hanging from me finger tips, freezing cold, wind whipping passed my arse, and I'm freezing to death".
"Oh, that's bad".
"Wait, I haven't finished yet. So suddenly, the guy stops. Says 'Sally, sorry but I got take a piss.' Instead of going to the toilet like a normal person, he opens the window, takes a piss out the window. So I'm hanging from me finger tips, it's pitch black, freezing cold, piss dripping passed me ears, wind whipping passed my arse, and I'm freezing to death".
"Oh no ... " says barman.
"Wait, I haven't finished yet. The guy finishes, goes back to the bed, jumps on top of Sally, and they're bangin' away and ooohin' and aaahin'. You'll never guess what happens? He stops again, says 'Sally, look, I'm feeling a little woozy. I have to throw up'. Instead of going to the toilet like a normal person, he opens the window, upchucks his guts out. So I'm hanging there, it's pitch black, freezing cold, piss dripping down me neck, vomit plopped on top of my head, wind whipping passed my arse, and I'm freezing to death!"
"Oh please no" says the barman, looking a bit uneasy.
"Wait I haven't finished yet. He finishes, goes back all fresh, jumps on top of Sally, and they're bangin' away and ooohin' and aaahin'. You'll never guess what happens? He stops again, says 'Sally, look, I'll be done in a second. I need to take a dump'. Instead of going to the toilet like a normal person, he sticks his ass out the window... anyway, so I'm hanging there, it's pitch black, freezing cold, piss dripping down me chest, vomit gooping round me ears, a shit plopped on top of my head, wind whipping passed my arse, and I'm freezing to death!!!"
"Oh, let it stop!!" says the barkeep.
"Wait I haven't finished yet. The guy finishes, goes back to Sally, they're bangin' away, ooohin and aaaahin'. And FINALLY they're done. They go to sleep. At that point, dawn appears, the sun comes up. It's day time. And I'm hangin' there, freezing cold, piss dripping down me legs, vomit oozing down my back, a shit sliding round me ears, wind whipping passed my ass, I'm freezing to death... and I'm six inches off the ground".
39 OF THE HOTTEST CORONA-FREE ASIAN BABES YOU'LL SEE TODAY
A destitute man is walking the streets looking for a job. Eventually, he comes to a whorehouse with a "Help Wanted" sign in the window. He walks in the whorehouse and asks the manager about the job offer in the window.
The manager says "Well we need a bookkeeper at this here whorehouse, so, there are some things you'll need to be able to do". "Like what?" says the man.
"Well, can you read?" "No". "Can you write?" "No". "Can you at least add or subtract?" "Well no I can't do that either " the man says. "But I'm desperate for a job! I haven't a penny to my name and I'm starving!" "Well, alright here's a quarter to buy yourself something to eat " the manager gives him.
The destitute man walks out of the whorehouse and by some chance, a man is walking by with a cartful of apples for sale for 25 cents. The man buys one and just as he's about to take a bite of it, another homeless man says "hey I'll give you 50 cents for that apple!"
Thinking about it, the man agrees and gives him the apple. He then goes back to the applecart and buys two more apples for 25 cents apiece and sells them for 50 cents. This carries on for a while and years later he is the manager of the largest fruit shipping company in the US and he's worth millions.
Eventually, a reporter finds out about this man's past and he decides to write a story about him in the paper. But before he can write the story the man needs to sign an agreement for the paper to use his story.
"Well I can't do that " says the man. "Well why not?" "I can't read or write how do you expect me to sign my name?" The reporter is baffled "you're the owner of the largest shipping company in the US and you can't read or write? Think of where you'd be if you could!" "Well I'd probably be a bookkeeper in a whorehouse!"
An Irish woman of advancing years visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor. "Not a chance" she replied. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem" said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra". "What on Earth is Irish Viagra?" she asked.
"It's Viagra dissolved in his morning cup of coffee. He won't even taste it. Let me know how it goes" he said.
She called the doctor the very next afternoon.
"How did it go?" he asked. "Oh faith, bejaysus and begorrah, doctor, it was terrible. Just horrid, I tell ya! I'm beside meself!" "Oh, no! What in the world happened?"
"Well, I did the deed, Doctor, just as you advised. I put the Viagra in his morning coffee, and he drank it. Well, you know, it took effect almost immediately, and he jumped straight up out of his chair with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and his pants a-bulging. Then, with one fierce swoop of his arm, he sent the cups, saucers, and everything else that was on the table flying across the room, ripped me clothes to tatters and passionately took me then and there, right on top of the table. T'was a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor "Wasn't the sex good?" "Freakin jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in me last 25 years, but sure as I'm sittin' here, doctor, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
Little Bobby was running through the woods behind his house when the urge to go number two's struck. Bobby did his business behind a tree and carried on his way.
The next day, Bobby was out behind his house again when he saw a swarm of flies circling yesterday's droppings. Intrigued, Bobby dropped his pants and did his business in the exact same spot in hopes of seeing how many flies he could gather.
After a couple weeks of doing this, Bobby had created a rather tall pile of dung. So tall, in fact, that he now needed to use a step ladder to make sure he had a stable poo-pole developing.
A curious neighbour caught sight of Bobby doing this, and after confronting Bobby, the neighbour punched Bobby in the face and told him to grow the hell up.
Over the next few days, word of Bobby's droppings had spread around town. It started with just a few people a day coming up to Bobby, punching him in the face, and telling him the errs of his way. It wasn't long until there was a line of over 50 people waiting to see Bobby's poo-pole and to subsequently punch him in the face. The line moved pretty slowly, however, and someone towards the back of the line had to take care of some business of his own. Not wanting to leave his spot, he dropped his pants answered nature's call right then and there.
The stench of his droppings spread quickly throughout the line. One gentleman towards the front of the line caught its stench when he saw Bobby's creation, admiration spreading across his face. The man at the front of the line turned around and said "that was a good shit post, but this punchline stinks".
NOT GONNA LIE... CHICKS IN ACTIVE WEAR ARE AWESOME
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Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, little Johnny asks his mum "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies "No". Johnny says "I think I know why".
Knowing little Johnny's propensity for lude and crude remarks, his mum replies "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school".
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies "No". Johnny says "I think I know why". His mum replies "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school".
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His mum says "No". He says "I think I know why". His mum replies "Okay, okay, do tell me what you think".
Little Johnny says: "Last night Fred came to my room for a tube of Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue".
"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?" 'Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbour Virgil Smith... he's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there".
"Thank you very much for the call, sir".
The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd... did the Sheriff come?" "Yeah!"
Dr. Ray was about to lock up with he saw an old pickup truck pull into the parking lot. Being a nice vet Dr. Ray waited on the old man to get out of the truck. He started walking up to Dr. Ray's door in that old slow gait, complete with straw hat and overalls.
Dr. Ray sighed as the door opened to his vet clinic and in walked this old man.
"Can I help you, sir?" Dr. Ray asked. "Ye'sir. Came all dis way fur n' oin'ment. My little'n got a scab dat anit taking to da Petroll jelly".
" Yes sir what kind of animal do you have?" "No idea"
"Well how big is it?" Dr. Ray shook his head. "Oh about da regular size, ya know".
The old man look confused.
"Ok well it is hard for me to give you anything if you do not even know the type of animal you have". Dr. Ray blurted out. "I know wut I got der doc" the old man's eyes narrowed.
"Then what is it?" Dr. Ray yelled. "I got a no idea" the old man yelled back.
"Just drive home and I will follow you to the damn thing. Then we can see about getting you something to help it".
Dr. Ray was fed up at this point and stormed to his car.
It took about ten min to drive to the old man's farm. They pulled down a gravel driveway, then turned off to a dirt road, that went right to an old barn. Dr. Ray got out and waited for the old man to walk up to the door. When the old man got to the door, he opened the door and took Dr. Ray to the stall. There in side laying on a pile of hay was a dear with no eyes.
Johnny was watching an adult movie with Mary. Johnny gets a hard-on.
Obviously, Mary started asking right away "Johnny what is that?" while pointing at Johnny's dick Johnny being busy with other stuff answered quickly "That's a stork"
Mary is still bored and starts asking again "What is that?" while pointing at Johnny's balls Johnny then answers "Those are storks' eggs".
Mary is still intrigued "But Johnny what are these?" while pointing at the pubic hairs Johnny isn't bothered by Marys stupid questions and says "That's the storks nest. Leave me alone already!"
The next day Johnny wakes up in a hospital bed and his groin is so painful.
Noticing Mary, he asks "Mary, what happened to me?" Mary answers "Johnny, I played with your stork yesterday but it spat in my face! I got very angry, I broke the stork's neck, smashed its eggs and set the nest on fire".
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Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning, they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said "Good Morning Father, Good Morning Father" nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So, the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, after a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again, she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning Father, Good morning Father" and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said "Just a minute, young lady". "Yes, Father?"
"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?" She replied "Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen".
Despite her old age and waning eyesight and hearing taking a toll on her daily life, Doreen was always a wonderful mother to her three sons. To celebrate her 70th birthday, they decide to buy her lavish gifts.
The eldest son builds her a brand-new home, complete with all new furnishings, appliances, full garage and more.
The middle son buys her a brand-new sports car, to replace that 20-year-old beater she never bothered to get rid of.
The youngest son buys her a parrot who can recite Christian verses perfectly, to remind her of their love for Jesus Christ and to always be a good person.
Overwhelmed and flattered beyond belief, the mother thanks all her sons one-by-one, starting with the eldest.
"George, this is so wonderful! While I cannot see this new home very well or the things in it, I will cherish it always" she says, giving him a hug.
She turns to the middle son. "Oh Carter, this car is so nifty and cool! While I cannot drive much anymore, I'll cherish it always" she says, giving him a kiss on the cheek.
Finally, she turns to the youngest son. "Oh Markus, thank you so much for that wonderful bird. It was delicious!"
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore, she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son". He answered "That's okay".
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Goodbye, mum' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy".
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out "Goodbye, mum!"
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $61.85" said the clerk. "Can't possibly be that much? I only bought 5 items". The clerk replied "Yeah, but your mother said you'd be paying for her things, too".
Well I'm a little bit shocked that this update made it up more or less on time. Can't even begin to tell you guys how many videos and whatever else I pored over this week to get this behemoth together. Almost makes me think it's worth doing an early week mini-update. Of course the likelihood of that happening next week is less than 0%. In other news, fucking hell I need a break.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. Confirmed: they will not rape ytour butthole; only pleasure it.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Name the last thime that didn't happen [excluding Xmas break]. Go ahead, I'll smugly wait.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will in fact rape your butthole.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't be mean to fat cunts. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2020.03.05-19.32
Welcome to stop saying "100%" to agree with someone.
Loving all this Coronavirus/COVID-19/whatever stuff going on. Seems to be all anyone is talking about... if you ever watch the news, listen to talkback radio or go on FB that is. I'm not sure how it's affecting other countries but the big thing in Australia at the moment is people stocking up on toilet paper. You know, just in case they end up quarantined... for a virus that hasn’t actually had an outbreak here... for a product that is manufactured in Australia... and will still be available even if cargo ships were to stop coming here. My only real question is are they stocking up on anything else or is it just bog rolls? Honestly, if the shit hit the pan, I'd find a way to overcome the lack of a soft 3-ply to wipe my butthole clean but I'd lose my fucking mind if I couldn’t get coffee beans or kewpie mayo, siracha and don't even get me fucking started on super-crunchy peanut butter. Oh crap. Time to hit the grocery store. 100%. Meanwhile here's a fucking brilliant example of an update. Check it...
My wife's just been checking to see if she has everything ready for her first solo parachute jump tomorrow. I said "Have you got a spare pair of knickers with you?" "What, in case I shit myself?" She replied with a laugh. "No". I said "In case your main chute doesn't open".
--
Paddy and Mick go down to the welfare centre, looking for disability benefit, walking in they see a big sign saying "Benefit Interviews Today For The Deaf". Wanting easy money, they decide to put on an act. Paddy walks into the office, and the interviewer says "Shut the door" Paddy does, and the interviewer says "You're not deaf at all. Get out! Get out of my sight!" Paddy leaves the office and tells Mick in the corridor whatever you do don't shut the door, Mick goes into the office, and the interviewer says "Shut the door" and Mick replies "Shut it your fuckin self!"
--
Last night I was watching TV in the sitting room, when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen. "What would you like for dinner, my love? I have chicken, lamb or beef". "Thank you so much, sweetie" I replied. "I'll have the lamb, please, honeybuns". "Not you, ya fat bastard. You'll have a boiled egg as usual. I was talking to the cat".
--
My girlfriend went on and on for ages accusing me of acting like a flamingo. Eventually I just had to put my foot down.
--
Little Suzy was absent from school for a few days, and when she returned, she said to the teacher "I had the flu Miss, and mum wouldn't let me go to school because she said it's catching". "That was good of her" said teacher "but the correct word to use is 'contagious'. Now, who can make a sentence using that word?" "Me! Me! Miss!" shouted Johnny. "Well, okay Johnny" said teacher, with some misgivings. "Last weekend I went for a ride with my dad and we saw a truck that had spilled a load of watermelons on the road, and dad said, 'gee, it'll take that poor contagious to pick up all those watermelons'"
--
There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch. "Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" the tourist asked. The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied "Nope. "As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled "I thought you said your dog didn't bite! "The old man muttered "Aint my dog".
--
A guy's sitting in the clubhouse having a drink when a fella with a black eye and a nine-iron wrapped around his neck staggers in. "What happened to you?" The guy asks. "I was going around with my wife and all was well until I teed off on the 8th hole. Hooked it straight into that cow paddock next door. The wife laughed, but when she had her shot, the same thing happened, wham into the cow paddock. We went in there to find our balls, and I saw the damn'dest thing, a cow with its tail up and a little white dot poking out of its arse. Sure enough, it was a golf ball, the same brand my wife uses. I held the cow's tail higher, pointed at it and shouted to the wife 'hey, this looks like yours'. Next thing I remember, I woke up looking like this".
--
A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mum" said the boy "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the Truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with a lot of men for money". The little boy's eyes get wide and he says "Is that true, mum?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asks "Mum, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" "Most of them become taxi drivers" she said.
A man is about to have sex with a really fat woman. He climbs on top of her. "Can I turn the light off?" he asks. "Why?" she replies "Are you feeling a bit shy?" "No... it's burning my arse!"
--
Paddy says to Murphy "Have u seen the news? 3 Cliff Walkers have fallen to their deaths!" "Unbelievable" said Murphy "I can't believe they all had the same name!"
--
A group of guys are sitting in the golf club locker room when a mobile phone in a sports bag starts ringing. One of them answers and says "Oh, hello honey. What? I left my credit card at home and you want to know if you can use it to buy that $2,000 dress you've had your eye on? Sure you can darling". The other guys go quiet and look on in amazement as he continues; "And then you want to go to the Porsche dealer and put down a deposit on a Boxster? No problem, go ahead dear". The other's eyes are boggling now. "What? The $5,000 beauty treatment? Of course you can. You're worth it my darling! Okay, see you later angel". Everyone's staring at him in total silence as he ends the call and puts the phone back in the bag. Then, as he's zipping it up, he asks "Hey, anyone know whose bag this is?"
--
Recently leaked documents from the Vatican have shown why the Catholic Church is protecting paedophiles. Apparently, the last time they shunned a child molester, he started Islam.
--
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him. "Hello" she says. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks "Do you know me?" To which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my kids". Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. So he asks "Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly "No, I'm your son's teacher..."
A man on vacation is having horrible stomach pains. He realises he has a tapeworm.
The resort doctor taps on his stomach a few times, listening with a stethoscope. Then he tells the man, "Come back tomorrow with a banana and a cookie."
"Ummm... okay..." the guy says, sceptical. "What for?" "Do you want my help, or don't you!?" the doctor says. "Just do what I tell you!"
So, the guy leaves and comes back the next day with a banana and a cookie. He tells the doctor his stomach pain is even worse. The doctor tells him to drop his pants and bend over. The guy does. Next thing you know, the doctor is shoving the banana up his arse!
"THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!?" the man screams. "You want my help, or don't you?"
His stomach is aching, so he clenches his fists and lets the doc proceed. The doctor shoves the banana all the way up his arse. And then looks at his watch for ten minutes. Then she shoves the cookie up the man's arse too!
The man is shaking badly from pain. The doctor tells him to come back tomorrow and bring a banana and a cookie.
"AGAIN!?" "You want my help, or don't you?"
So the guy goes away and comes back the next day with a banana and a cookie. The exact same thing happens. This time the man is shaking and crying by the end of it. The doctor tells him to come back the next day with a banana and a cookie!!
"You want my help or don't you?" the doctor says, cutting off the man's protests.
So once again, the guy returns, and gets a banana, and ten minutes later, a cookie shoved up his ass. He's sobbing by the end of it. But this time the doctor tells him, "Tomorrow, bring a banana and a hammer."
"Oh God! What the hell are you going to do to me now!?" the man says, and he leaves sobbing.
But the next day, he returns with a banana and a hammer. The doctor tells him to drop his pants, and once again he shoves the banana up the man's ass. Then he waits.
Ten minutes later, the tapeworm pops his head out of the man's butthole. "Hey! Where the fuck's my cookie!?"
A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the checkout counter.
The girl at the cash register said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat".
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.
They sold her the cat food.
The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again, the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog".
So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said "No, you might have a snake in there".
The little old lady assured her there was nothing in the box that would harm her.
So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady "That smells like crap".
The little old lady said "It is. I want to buy a roll of toilet paper".
NO LESS THAN 30 EXQUISITE girls GETTING READY TO GO OUT
GIRLS GETTING READY TO GO OUT previously: #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
As a man is leaving his house for work his wife shouts out "Don't forget to buy a bag of snails on your way home, my parents are coming for dinner remember".
The man agrees and rushes off to work, where he has a terrible, stressful day. Sure enough, when he gets home he's forgotten the bag of snails.
"I can't believe you've forgot to get them, you know how much my mum loves escargot. You've got 1 hour to go and get them" screams his wife.
The man runs to the local shop and buys the bag of snails. As he's walking home he goes past his local pub and his best mate runs outside and says "Hey mate come and have a drink, it's John's birthday".
The man says "yeah fuck it, but I'll just have to have a quick one as I've got the in laws coming for tea".
Needless to say, one pint turns into four which turns into ten and before he knows it, the pubs closing. He grabs his bag of snails and staggers back home, drunk as a Lord.
When he gets to his garden gate, he decides to vault it and in his drunken state falls flat on his face, spilling the bag of snails all over the garden path.
His wife flung open the front door and starts screaming "Where the fuck have you been!? You knew my parents were coming for tea you prick!"
The man gets to his feet, turns around to the snails on the path and waves them onwards saying " Come on lads, not far now!".
My friend just phoned and asked me if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent. And you know me always willing to help my friends and family out. I told her "Give me a minute let me check my account and I'll phone u right back". Before I could check my account, my friend's mum phones and says "Don't give her any money because she's lying". Mum proceeds to tell me that she wants to use that $500 to get her boyfriend out of jail because she wants to be under the same roof with him for her birthday!!
So, I thought about it for a minute and decided to go ahead and give her the $500 because we all need help at times.
So I phoned her back and said "Yea, I can help you" and met her and gave her an envelope of cash.
A couple hours later, I got a call from the County Jail, I say "Hello?" and she starts screaming and asking "Why did you give me counterfeit money?!"
I replied "So you and your boyfriend would be under the same roof for your birthday!!"
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One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!" The driver agrees "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place". "That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So, they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So, this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says "Sir, your question is so easy that I'm going to let my driver explain it to you".
HONESTLY THANK GOD NAKED SELFIES ARE A THING. IMAGINE A WORLD WHERE THEY DIDN'T HAPPEN..? 😇
A man just moved into a new neighbourhood. Excited to meet the neighbours, he cooked up some of his best spicy chili, packed it and went out to get acquainted with most adjacent occupant.
As he rang the bell, a cute middle-aged woman answered the door.
Neville smiled and said "Hi! I've just moved into the neighbourhood and I've taken a place right next door". Leaning on the opened door, she returned his smile and welcomed him to the neighbourhood and thanked him for his kind token.
"The name's Neville" he said "rhymes with Devil, so you don't forget!" he continued, with a wink and then hurried off home.
The next day, the woman prepared some cool lemonade and walked over to Neville's house and rang the bell. He opened the door thrilled to find his neighbour with her own token of welcome.
"Thank you for the chili, Nathan. I truly enjoyed every bit of it" to which he frowned and raised eyebrows. "What's wrong?" she said "Didn't you say your name rhymes with Satan?"
A young Irish girl goes to confession and says "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. The priest replies "Go ahead, my child".
"Well" she says "Last night I made love to me boyfriend... FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein' the stars in my passion. And, I think I may have wailed like a banshee. More than once. And me legs was all wibbly wobbly, even the next mornin'. But I know that makin' love to me boyfriend before marriage is a sin, and I've come seekin' absolution.
The priest sits back, rubs his forehead, and looks at the young lass and says "Right. What I need for you to do is go down to Mr. O'Malley's market and get four good sized lemons. Go home, cut them in half, and squeeze the juice into a nice tall glass and drink in down straight away".
The girl looks at the priest with a confused look and asks " Will that absolve me of me sin, Father?"
"NO, but it'll wipe the smile off yer face!"
WE ALL HAVE THAT ONE GIRL IN THE OFFICE THAT YOU'D.......
An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a stunningly beautiful young blonde at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $10,000 ring. The old man said "No, I'd like to see something more special".
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $50,000" he said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said "We'll take it".
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon" he said.
On Monday morning the jeweller phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account". "I know" said the old man "but let me tell you about my weekend!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell *kerplop* right on his twitchy little nose.
"Oh, please excuse me" said the bunny "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see".
"That's perfectly all right" replied the snake "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know" said the bunny. "I'm blind and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out".
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitch little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit".
The bunny said "I can't thank you enough. But, by the way, what kind of animal are you?" The snake replied that he didn't know either.
So the bunny agreed to examine him and when the bunny was finished the snake asked "Well, what kind of animal am I?" The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied "You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't any balls. You must be a politician!"
A chemistry professor posted a bonus question on an exam.
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So, which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why last night Teresa kept shouting "Oh, my God!"
On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride "I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship". "What is it?" his new bride asked lovingly.
"I'm a golf fanatic" he said "I think about golf constantly. I'll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always come first".
His new bride pondered this for a moment and said "I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've also concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is "I'm a hooker".
"No problem" said her new husband "just widen your stance a little, and overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up".
Well... so long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good night. I hate to go and leave this pretty site. Cuckoo.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. Twice this week alone. Astonishing right!?
-Check out the archives. It's probably what I'm doing right this very moment.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Have you not figured this out my now!!!!!!!!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will say "100%" after every sentence you speak. He'll literally misuse 'literally' just as often too.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't make a fuck out of me. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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