Again, just going to keep it quick because anything longer than that will only prevent you guys from enjoying the update sooner. And what an update it is. I'm serious when I say you have literally nothing more important to do than woof down this fine specimen. Check it...
I was walking towards McDonalds and watched as this pretty young thing raced out of the doors dropping her purse on the ground. Having trouble walking, I tried to catch her to tell her she dropped her purse. I yelled but she was too involved looking at her smart phone, as they do, to hear me. I followed her yelling out "you have dropped your purse". No response. I followed her down the stairs onto the railway station platform knowing I'll catch her here while she waits for a train. No luck, as we get onto the platform the train doors open and she gets in. "Shit" I said. I board the train at the doors nearest me knowing I can walk through the train to her. I finally get to her and tell her "you dropped your purse at the doors of McDonalds". She thanks me and as I turn to walk away, she say's "where is my purse?" I turned, looked at her and said "For fucks sake, I told you, at the doors to McDonalds". I then walked off only to get a barrage of abuse from her.
Un-fucking-grateful if you ask me.
--
I came home steaming drunk at 3am in the morning. The wife sat up and pointed at the clock and yelled "What fucking time do you call this?" So I sighed and had to explain to her AGAIN about the big hand and the little hand.
--
A man answers a knock at the door. "Hello" said a well-painted, sexy female. "I'm your local Avon lady. Is your wife at home?" "No, not at the moment" he replied. "That's OK" she said. "We have toiletries for men too, show me your wrist". Taking his hand, she sprayed a perfume on. "Smell this" she said. "It's called 'Come to me'" After he had breathed in the perfume, he looked up and said "Doesn't smell like come to me!"
--
I got into an argument with this drunk thug in the pub. Anyway, I backed away, but as I was leaving, he shouted "I know where you live, cunt!" I was really worried for a while, but it turned out he works for StarTrack Express, so THAT statements bullshit for a start.
--
Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired arrive on scene. After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor, they call their sergeant on his cell phone. "Hello, Sarge" "Yes" "It looks like we have a homicide here". "What happened?" "A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped". "Have you placed her under arrest?" "No sir. The floor is still wet".
--
I went to the doctor and he told me "Don't eat anything fatty". I asked "What like pizzas or burgers?" He replied: "No. Just don't eat anything you fat bastard".
--
A man is sitting at a bar, staring at his drink, not moving. After about 20 minutes of this another man notices and walks over and grabs the drink from the man and gulps it down. He sets the glass down and looks at the man he just stole from, waiting for a reaction. The man who had his drink stolen slowly turns to the man who took his drink and says "I've had a really bad day. My alarm clock didn't go off this morning so I was late to work, which got me fired. When I went to drive home, I found my car had been stolen. In the cab I took to get home my wallet fell out and I lost it. When I get home, I find my wife in bed with the neighbour. And now, when I finally get the courage to kill myself, somebody drinks my poison. "
--
My mother-in-law bought a talking parrot. But she took it back a week later telling the pet shop owner "This parrot hasn't said anything yet!" she complained. "I haven't had a bloody chance to get a word in yet!" interjected the parrot"
--
My grandfather was trying to give up smoking, so to help him along I secretly soaked one of his cigarettes in petrol. I think he appreciated my effort, judging by the way his face lit up.
The wife and I were standing in the kitchen when our young son was struggling to get the lid off of a tub of yogurt. "For fuck's sake!" he exclaimed as he eventually wrestled it open. The wife turned to me and said "Hmmm... wonder where he gets THAT from..." To which I replied "Out of the fucking fridge you stupid bitch. Where the fuck else would he have got it from?"
--
I sell balloons for $1 each. Or if you want them blown up it's $1.20. I've adjusted the price to allow for inflation.
--
Was waiting to use an ATM. This bloke in front of me was pounding away at the keypad. Funny thing was, in between pounding the keys he was balancing on one leg. First the left, then the right. Just like a fucking flamingo. This went on for some time. I said mate "What the fuck are you doing?" he said "Sorry mate, I'm just checking my balance".
--
A large fat, big mouthed American is on a bus tour of Sydney and has been bragging on about how everything is bigger and better in the good ol' US of A and how everything is small in Australia. As they meander around Randwick, he points his podgy finger at a small building attached to The Prince of Wales hospital and says to the tour guide "See that hospital building over there? Why if that was in the States it would be a hundred times bigger". The tour guide says "I'm not surprised mate. That's the obesity wing".
A German, an Englishman and an Irishman were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to appeal their sentences down to 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced "As it is my first wife's birthday today, she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping".
The German was first in line; after thinking for a bit he said "Please tie a pillow to my back". This was done, but after only 10 lashes the whip had shredded the pillow. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying in pain.
The Englishman was next up. After watching the German in horror, he asked "Please tie two pillows to my back". This time it took 15 lashes, but once again the pillows were shredded, and the Englishman was led away bleeding and whimpering in pain.
The Irishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said "You are from the most beautiful part of the world I have ever seen. Because of this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness" the Irishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes".
"Not only are you an honourable man from a beautiful island, you are also very brave" the Sheikh said with admiration. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish?"
And the Irishman said "Tie the Englishman to my back".
Many years ago, during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out "Are you okay? What's your name?" "It's John, and I'm okay, thanks" I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
"John" she said (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later". "That's mighty nice of you" I answered "but I don't think my wife would like it".
"Oh, come on now" Elizabeth insisted. She was so very pretty, very, very sexy and very persuasive... I was weak.
"Well okay" I finally agreed but thought to myself "my wife won't like it".
After a couple of restorative scotch's, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now".
"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still under the cart, I guess".
An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When
he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say '99'".
The old guy obeys and says "99".
The doctor says "Great, now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say '99'".
Again, the old guy says "99".
The doctor said "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say '99'".
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub.
Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shape; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.
As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender "I get this in every port and town I visit, I'll explain. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So, I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life".
The bartender asks: "So, what went wrong?"
"For my final wish" said the sailor "I asked her if I could have sex with her. Her response was 'That's not possible, we mermaids don't have vaginas.'"
That's when I said "Okay, how about a little head?"
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A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks, the wife asked "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?" He hadn't and said so. Then she said "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing".
Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
"Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly". "No, she's not". he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
"Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said. "Her name is Sally and she's selling batteries".
"Batteries?" cried the wife. "Yes" he replied. "Sally sells C cells by the Seashore".
A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?" "Yes" she said "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked. "In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?" "Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?" "Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman" said the Sergeant. "Yes" said the lady "He was an English Cricketer".
"That's very observant" said the Sergeant "You worked that out from his accent?" "No" she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".
Barry, the Aussie builder, was going through a house he had just built, with the woman who owned it.
She was telling him what colours to paint each room. They went into the first room and she said "This room is to be a light blue".
The builder went to the front door and yelled out "Green side up !"As he went back to her she said the next room was to be red.
The builder again went to the front door and yelled "Green side up".
Once back with her she said "This one to be tan".
And again, he went to the front door and yelled "Green side up" The lady very curious said "I keep telling you telling you different colours, but you always yell "Green side up".
"What do you say that for?"
"Oh don't you worry about that" said the builder "I've got a couple of Irish guys laying turf out the front".
WHEN YOU GOTTA PEE... MAKE SURE SOMEONE HAS A CAMERA HANDY!
"When I started my job, they handed me three envelopes".
"These three envelopes were left to you by the previous employee who was recently let go. He said to open them in order if you ever got into a jam".
The job didn't seem so tough, and after all, why would I want to take advice from the guy who was just fired? I threw the envelopes into a drawer and settled into my new job. The people were friendly, there were always fresh donuts and bottomless coffee, and everything always just fell into place.
Until one day it hit the fan.
Everyone came looking for me for this major issue, and I'll be honest, I didn't know what to do. For whatever reason, I was reminded of the envelopes and proceeded to open the one marked #1.
"Blame the previous guy".
Well, sure! I mean, if it wasn't for all the stuff he did in the past, we wouldn't be in this predicament now! I told everyone it was the previous guy's fault, and everyone seemed to accept that. Slowly, business got back to normal. I felt like I dodged a bullet.
Months went by and not a single bump in the road. And then... another crisis. I could hear people yelling my name, and not in a good way. Without hesitation, I reached for envelope #2.
"Blame the support staff".
Right? I mean, if they were doing their job and told me sooner, I could've fixed all of this before it was even a problem! Everyone nodded. Couldn't argue with that logic. I was relieved to have dodged another bullet. I must be pretty good at this after all!
A full year went by and, sure, some people had since been let go, but I was still sitting pretty with a good job and a carefree attitude. Things just always seemed to work out!
When the next crisis hit, I wasn't even phased. I could hear the people yelling my name, and I could almost even imagine them carrying pitchforks all aimed at me. Whatever. I still had that final envelope which I opened as everyone was amassed at my door.
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When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there".
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes away.
A couple of nights later, at midnight, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him "Mike--Miiiike".
"Who is it?" asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Mike...it's me, Joe". "You're not Joe. Joe just died". "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe" insists the voice".
"Joe! Where are you?" "In heaven" replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news". "Tell me the good news first!" says Mike.
"The good news" Joe says" is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired".
That's fantastic" says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams!" "So, what's the bad news?" "You're in the team for this Saturday's match..."
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing" the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off".
"Lady" the attendant said "Indians don't use saddles".
A bloke goes for a job interview at the local council. When called in, he limps across the office and sits down with a large 'clunk'.
The interviewer looks up from the CV on his desk.
"Ah, Mr Smith. It says here that you served in Iraq". "That's correct, I was in the army".
"Well, this council practices positive discrimination in favour of those who served their country. Well done. I couldn't help noticing you have a limp; did you get that in Iraq?" "Yes, I was badly wounded there, which is why I had to leave the army".
"I'm sorry to hear that, but being wounded in the service of your country does mean that I can offer you the job right away. What exactly is the nature of the wound, if you don't mind me asking?" "It's rather embarrassing, both my buttocks were blown off by a roadside bomb and I now have two steel plates in their place".
"Oh dear, well you can start Monday. The hours are from 9 to 5, but, in light of your condition, you can come in after lunch each day". "Oh no, I don't want any special favours due to my disability!"
"It's not that. You see, here at the council everyone just stands around scratching their ares every morning, so there's not much point in for that".
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. You'd be fucking retarded not to. And that's the bad kind of fucking retarded I'm talking about.
-Next update will be next Thursday. SOMEHOW that'll be number 10 for the year.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will not be very happy about it. Possibly even be a bit cross.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and keep dry. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2020.02.20-20.40
Welcome to mental health issues as a crutch.
I'm not gonna lie - this update is all brilliance. It absorbed a significant chunk of my week and I think the results speak for themselves. Also, I'm fucking hungry and aren't going to write any things else at the top here. So do what checkers do and... check it...
Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day, when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says "Convert to Catholicism and get $20". Murray stops and stares at the sign. Abe turns to him and says "Murray, what's going on?" "Abe" replies Murray "I'm thinking of doing it". Abe says "What are you, crazy?" Murray thinks for a minute and says "Abe, I'm going to do it". With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed. "So" asks Abe "did you convert?" "Yes, I did" says Murray. "Did you get your twenty dollars?" Murray looks at Abe and says "Is that all you people think about?"
--
There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table. Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into the Old Man's drink. After a while, the Old Man excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom. When he returned, however, his trousers were wet all over. "What in the world happened?" he is asked by his concerned children. "Well" he answered "I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom, so I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!"
--
I found a wallet yesterday, and was tossing up whether I should hand it in. Then I thought "Well, if I lost MY wallet with three hundred and fifty dollars in it, how would I feel?" And I realised that it was a no brainer and that I would want to be taught a lesson.
--
Doctor" the embarrassed man said "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore. "Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do". The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett" the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on". The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health" he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either".
--
My daughter's school teacher rang me today. "Sarah didn't turn up for school today, is everything okay?" I said "Her mother died suddenly last night I'm afraid and she's still trying to come to grips with the situation". "Oh No! That's terrible news. I'm so sorry. Is she coping okay?" "Pretty well considering" I replied. "She's just cooked me a breakfast, scrubbed the floor, and she's on her second load of washing".
--
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says: "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?" "Pop" goes the weasel.
--
This bloke goes to a doctor and says "Doctor, you've got to help me. Every day I wake up and shag my wife before we get out of bed. Then when she's gone to work, I go downstairs and take the maid from behind while she's washing the dishes. After that I take the car pool to work, and when it's down to just the last woman and me, we climb into the back seat for a quickie. Then, when I get to my office, I shag my secretary over her desk and do some work before the tea lady comes around mid-morning, and shag her over mine. I spend my lunch hour at my girlfriend's place and we manage to fit in a few before I go back to work. The tea lady comes back in the afternoon and I shag her again, and give another one to my secretary before I leave for the day. When I get home, I take the maid again, and then have a quickie with my wife when she gets back. Finally, we have another in bed at night before going to sleep". "I don't understand, what help do you need from me?" asks the doctor. "It hurts when I jack off".
--
A cocky young lad applied for a forklift job at a local firm based in his home town. A migrant worker applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the manager. When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20. The manager went to the local lad and said "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the migrant the job". "And why would you do that?" replied the guy "We both got 19 questions right! Surely I should get the job over a foreigner?" The manager responded "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong". "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?" He said. That's simple. On question number 7 the migrant wrote down 'I don't know' and you put down 'neither do I'".
I woke up this morning and saw my wife sitting on the edge of the bed with two black eyes. "What the fuck happened to you?" I asked. "This is what happens when you drink 14 stubbies of Foster's" she replied. "That's bullshit" I said, looking in the mirror "I drank 14 stubbies of Foster's last night and my face is fine".
--
A new army recruit was sent to his first overseas posting and the base commander greeted him. "I think you'll like it here. We keep ourselves well entertained" said the commander. "On Monday nights we have poker". "Oh, I don't gamble, sir" the recruit told him. "That's alright" said the commander. "On Tuesday we have drinks, and on Wednesday the local slappers come and pleasure us in every way imaginable". "But I don't drink and I choose not to associate with loose women" protested the recruit. "What are you... gay?" bellowed the commander. "Certainly not!" answered the recruit. "You're really going to hate Thursdays and Fridays, then".
--
A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying "Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established". The bank manager said to the clerk "You'd better do what he says, I think he means business".
Jim's friends take him to a bar he hadn't been to before then. It was like any other joint, minus the oddly cheap booze, and the group of people huddled in the corner.
Jim asks the bartender what they're doing, and he explains that they're having a "swing".
Jim and his friends venture over to view the ritual, and see an old man sitting on a bar stool in the middle of the crowd, with a long line jutting from it. When asked what's going on, a woman from the group tells Jim that everyone takes turns lugging the man upside his head, and whoever knocks him off the stool wins $50.
The old man looked very weathered, but sat up straight with a demanding presence.
Jim wasn't very comfortable with the idea of hitting an old man, but his friends urged him on. After a good five minutes of waiting, it was his turn to swing. Coyly, he threw a weak jab at the old man's cheek.
Sensing his hesitation, the old man urged him to hit as hard as he could. So Jim pulled his arm back once more, and propelled his fist violently into the old man's left temple, and he fell from the stool, the whole crowd silent with shock. Then the crowd suddenly roared with cheering, joyous that someone had finally knocked the old man off of his throne.
The old man slowly pulled himself off the ground, and after dusting himself off, began reaching into his wallet to reward the Jim with the promised payment, but before he could, he bet that Jim couldn't knock him down once more. Jim was still uneasy about what he'd just done, but the encouragement from the crowd persuaded him to take the bet.
The old man sat himself back on the stool, and prepared for the blow to come. Jim pulled back his hand, and like a plane from a runway, sent his fist into the old man's jaw. The sound was like the cracking of a whip, and it shook the souls of everyone in the bar. The old man hit the floor, throwing up the dust of the wooden boards. The crowd went ballistic, cheering for Jim and his victory. The old man took a few minutes to stand back up, and was struck with confusion. After he finally regained his composure, he payed Jim $100 for his double knockout and sat down at a table.
With his reward, Jim bought the whole crowd a round of drinks, and had a great time the rest of the night.
That next weekend, Jim and his friends were thinking of things to do. He proposed they return to the bar, and they did. When they entered, scattered cheers filled the room, emanating from some of those who viewed his show of strength a week earlier. And in the corner was the old man, back on his stool, another great crowd around him.
One thing led to another, and Jim was in line to pummel the old man once more. When his turn had come, the old man sneered at him, proclaiming he had trained for this the past week, hoping Jim would return to the bar. Jim, uncaring of the old man's teases, swung and knocked the old man from his chair. He received his $50 and him and his friends spent it all on alcohol.
Jim capitalised on his odd talent for punching the elderly and took his friends to the bar every weekend, almost never having to pay for their drinks, using his swing money instead. He grew to enjoy hitting the old man so much he would sometimes simply go to the bar by himself. He'd even go during the week, when the bar was less busy, so there was no punchline.
SPEND SOME TIME WITH NUDISTS - YOU WON'T BE DISAPPOINTED
So, aliens from Mars come down to Earth and they're friendly! The leaders of the world and the aliens plan a huge televised event where the leaders can ask questions on whatever they want.
During this event, the Pope is up to talk to the aliens.
"I know this question may sound odd to you gentlemen" the Pope starts to ask "but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?"
"Jesus Christ?!?" the alien leader exclaims "how do we not! He swings by our planet every two years or so. Awesome guy!"
Now this obviously starts a huge debate within the UN, as this information now has implications to everything they knew. The Pope, however, is not exactly a happy person as his brain is on other information.
"EVERY TWO YEARS OR SO?!?" The Pope exclaims "We've still been waiting for his SECOND coming!"
Trying to calm down the Pope, the aliens say "Well maybe he didn't like your chocolate".
The pope, upon hearing this news, takes a few moments to calm down. When he finally regains his composure, he states calmly "Forgive me, but what does chocolate have anything to do with this?"
The aliens respond "Well when he was on our planet, we would give him huge boxes of chocolates. Why, what did you guys do when he was here?"
Out one night with his friends, a young man meets a beautiful young lady who agrees to go on a date with him the following day.
Worried he won't remember her name, the young man uses a little memory trick to help his remember her name, which incidentally was Franny.
Fanny with and 'r', Franny he would repeat to himself over and over.
Fanny with and 'r', Franny.
Fanny with and 'r', Franny.
The whole next day at work, Fanny with and 'r', Franny.
On the train on the way home, Fanny with and 'r', Franny over and over.
In the shower while getting ready Fanny with and 'r', Franny.
In the car in the way to pick her up, Fanny with and 'r', Franny.
Finally, he arrives at her house. Rings the door bell and repeats to himself one last time Fanny with and 'r', Franny.
The door opens and standing there's is the young lady's father "can I help you?" he asks. "Yes" says the young man "is Crunt home?"
A husband and wife were driving home in their car one Saturday evening when a traffic officer pulls them over.
"Good evening sir" says the cop. "Good evening officer, what seems to be the problem?" says the husband with a friendly and cooperative smile. "Sir, I noticed one of your headlights is not working; I'm afraid I'm going to have to write you a ticket".
"Oh officer" says the man "this is honestly the first I know of it, last night both were still working brilliantly, I check them regularly, but tonight I forgot".
"Rubbish!" the wife chips in. "Officer, I've been telling him about it for a month now, and he still hasn't fixed the damn thing".
The husband turns to his wife and under his breath he says to her: "What the fuck woman?! Would you shut your mouth? What the hell are you doing?"
"Umm" the officer interrupts "I see your one wiper-blade is perished too sir, I'm afraid that's another ticket". "Oh officer, that's the first I know of it, honestly, I just replaced the things a week ago! Must have been a defective pair I bought". says the man, very humbly.
"Oh c'mon! Officer, that thing's been like that for two months, longer than the headlight! Every time it rains, I nearly crash because I can't see through the windscreen. He just refuses to listen to me asking him to fix it" the wife interjects again.
"What the FUCK!!!?" the husband grumbles to her under his breath. "Are you stupid? What the fuck are you doing woman?!"
The officer leans into the car and says "Ma'am, is your husband always this rude to you?" "Oh no" she answers. "Only when he's had too much to drink!"
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A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"
"The instructor said "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark".
After a pause, the instructor added "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career".
BIKINIS ARE LIKE PIZZA - THEY MAKE YOU FUCKING DROOL!
A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.
The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he loaned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait, he was sure it would be back shortly.
Since the nun was on her way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said "I know that the Lord turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I'm going to church every Sunday for the rest of my life".
After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a 'proxy' to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said "I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon".
Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby photographer came by half an hour later, hoping to make a sale. Mrs. Jacobs answered the door. "Good morning, ma'am. You don't know me, but I've come to..." "Oh yes, I know why you're here. Harry told me you'd be coming soon." "He did? But I..." "Come right in! No use wasting time!" "Very well, then".
The photographer took out his briefcase and sat down. "As you may already know, I've made a specialty of babies." "Good, I'm glad," said Mrs. Jacobs. "That's just what Harry and I were looking for".
"I usually like to try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed" said the photographer.
"The living room floor is fun too... you can really spread out". "Bathtub? Living room floor? No wonder it never worked for Harry and me". "Well, ma'am, none of us can guarantee a perfect one every time, but if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I think you'll be quite pleased with the results".
"I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly" Mrs. Jacobs gasped nervously. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man must take his time. I'd like to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure". "Don't I know!" said Mrs. Jacobs.
The photographer pulled out a portfolio of his pictures. "This one was done on top of a bus in downtown London" he said, showing Mrs. Jacobs the picture. "Oh my God!" exclaimed Mrs. Jacobs, tugging on her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with".
He showed Mrs. Jacobs another picture. "She was difficult?" questioned Mrs. Jacobs. "Extremely" said the photographer. "I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around, four and five deep, just to get a good look." "Four and five deep!" Mrs. Jacobs was amazed. "Yes" said the photographer. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then, it started getting dark and I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels started nibbling on my equipment. I just packed it all in".
Mrs. Jacobs leaned forward. "You mean the squirrels actually chewed on your, umm... equipment?" "Yes, ma'am. Thank God, no real damage was done.
"Well, we'll get to work as soon as I set up my tripod". "Tripod..? " Mrs. Jacobs looked extremely worried now.
"Of course. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action.
"Ma'am... MA'AM... good God, she's fainted!"
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A man is out on a golf course, when he hears someone shout "FORE!"
He looks this way and that but doesn't see the ball, until WHACK! He shouts and curses and moans, holding both hands over his crotch.
"Oh, you poor thing!" a woman cries, running over to assist him. She gets on her knees and starts to rub his groin with her hands. "Is that better?"
He shakes his head, so she pulls his pants down and starts rubbing it in earnest. After a few minutes, she smiles and says "That seemed to help a lot!"
"Oh, it was wonderful!" he says. "But the ball hit my thumb!"
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A woman goes to the doctor to ask about options to get bigger breasts. After talking to the doc, she decides that all of the options are either too risky or too expensive.
As she is leaving the doc says "Well there is one thing you could try, but you have to do it EVERY DAY". He tells her to rub her chest and say "Eenie meenie miney moe, I want my boobs to grow, grow, grow!"
She leaves the office, thinking the doctor is out of his mind.
However, after thinking a while she figures "Why not? It's free, it's easy... what do I have to lose?"
So, every morning before work she chants: "Eenie meenie miney moe, I want my boobs to grow, grow, grow!"
After a few weeks it begins to work! She is thrilled.
One morning a few weeks later she wakes up late for work. She rushes to catch the bus without doing her daily chant.
She doesn't want to miss even one day, so she goes to the back of the bus and whispers while rubbing her chest "Eenie meenie miney moe, I want my boobs to grow, grow, grow!"
The man sitting in front of her turns around and says "Excuse me. Are you a patient of Dr. Fletcher?" Embarrassed, she says "Yes. Why do you ask?"Â And the guy says "Hickory Dickory Dock..."
Paddy was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi Beach but had trouble making it with any of the girls there. So, he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.
"Mate, it's obvious" says the lifeguard "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old bloke".
"They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos, about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm telling ya mate... you'll have all the babes ya want!"
The following weekend, Paddy hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everyone on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces turning away and laughing, looking sick.
Paddy went back to the lifeguard and asked him "What's wrong now?" "JEEPERS mate!!" said the lifeguard "The potato goes in the front!"
This woman is at her hairdresser and she says "I'm going to Rome on holiday". "Oh really" he says "what airline are you taking?" She says "Alitalia". He says "Alitalia? Are you crazy? That's terrible, don't take that!".
He says "Where are you gonna stay?" She says "I'm gonna stay at The Hassler". "The Hassler! What, are you kidding? They're renovating the Hassler. You'll hear hammering all night long. You won't sleep!"
"What are you gonna see?" She says "I think I'm going to try to go to the Vatican". "The Vatican? You'll be standing in line all day long!"
So, she goes to Rome, she comes back, and the hairdresser says "How was it?" She says "It was a great trip, it was wonderful!" "How was the Vatican?" "Wonderful! We happened to meet the Pope". "You met the Pope?" "Yeah, and he spoke to me". "What did he say to you?" "He said, 'Where'd you get that fucking haircut?'"
Well my work here is DONE. Finito. Finished. Complete. All over. But...
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there from time to time.
-Check out the archives. 20+ years of one mans coming of age... and quite a lot of porn.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Honestly - do I ever let you guys down?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will punch your kids on the face.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and keep a clean dick. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2020.02.13-19.28
Welcome to what-in-tarnation. You've found it.
I was so happy to have finished last weeks update at a reasonable time that there was a spring in my step. Unfortunately, the spring wasn't what I thought it was and I managed to trip walking up the stairs. Tore the fuck out of my toes and spilled my motherfucking eggs. Also jarred the fuck out of my neck which spread into my shoulders and arm and lasted with great ferocity until about yesterday. Fuck all sleep, low productivity and, according to various loved ones, a general grumpiness. All because I was happy. If that's not a sign I don't know what is. Check it...
For Valentine's Day I splashed out and bought my wife a new bag. Then, on the way out of the shop, I saw a new belt that would go with the bag. I think she will be pleased - the vacuum cleaner should work much better now.
--
I don't understand women. It was our 25th wedding anniversary and I said to the missus "How would you like to go out for something to eat?" She replied, enthusiastically "Oh yes, that would be nice". "OK" said I "Here's a twenty. Get me a prawn fried rice, chips, and curry sauce. Get yourself something with the change". Didn't speak to me for days. You would think she'd be grateful for a free take-away.
--
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer" the man replies.
--
I went to a popular restaurant the other day and after seeing every table being occupied by couples, I thought I would have to either wait a while or go elsewhere. It was then that I had one of my inspirations. I took out my phone and said in a very loud phone call type voice "Hello! Yes this is Richard from the Detective agency; you were right in your suspicions, he is here as you suspected and is with another woman, just come along now and see for yourself". Eight men got up hurriedly and fled, followed immediately by the eight women, so I was able to get a table quite easily after all.
--
A man wanted Valentine's Day to be special, so he bought a bottle of absinthe and stopped by the florists to order a bouquet of his wife's favorited flower: white anemones. Unfortunately, the florist was sold out of flowers and had only a few stems of feathery ferns. The man asked the florist to make a bouquet out of the ferns and the flask of liquor. He added a card and proceeded home. After a romantic candlelight dinner, he presented his wife with the gift. She opened the card to read "Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder". With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, "Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones".
--
A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife. "Please describe" said his attorney "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity". "Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week" the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife". "One Sunday morning" he continued "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"
--
A bloke and his wife spent their 25th wedding anniversary in the same hotel they'd spent their honeymoon night in. After a romantic dinner they returned to their room and were about to have sex when the wife turned to her husband and said "When you first saw me naked all those years ago, what was going through your mind?" "All I was thinking about was how I wanted to shag your brains out and suck your tits dry" replied the bloke. "So what are you thinking now?" asked the woman, removing the last of her clothes. "Well" said the bloke "I'm thinking it looks like I did a pretty good job".
--
The man turned to his beloved, ran his hand up her thigh across her belly and down her legs then down the back of her neck down her back and under her bum. When he removed his hand suddenly and turned back to watch TV she asked "Why stop now?" She said breathlessly! "I found the remote" he replied.
--
I've booked a table for valentines. The Mrs will be pissed off, she's shits at snooker.
--
Got the wife a new Pug dog yesterday. Despite the squashed nose, the bulging eyes and the rolls of fat. Surprisingly the new dog still seems to like her!
--
The lingerie store was crowded with shoppers selecting Valentine's Day gifts for their wives.
A young businessman came to the register with a lacy black negligee. The next customer in line, an elderly farmer, was holding a flannel nightgown and kept glancing at the younger man's sexier choice. When it was his turn, the farmer placed the nightgown on the counter and asked "Would you have anything in black flannel?"
--
We had been together for 5 years, so I took my long-term girlfriend to a beautiful romantic Italian restaurant to celebrate. All of a sudden, I got out of my chair, and slowly got down on one knee. "Oh my god" my girlfriend shrieked "Let me just get my phone out so I can video this and show my mum and sister and remember the moment for the rest of my life" she gushed. "Sure thing" I replied. "But I'm sure they have seen people tie their shoelaces before"
--
One day this girl was talking to her friend and she said to her "My boyfriend bought me flowers for Valentine's Day this year so I guess I have to put my legs in the air for him". Her friend replied "Why? Don't you have a vase?"
A woman had been on the game for four years and was worried about the size of her pussy on her wedding night, so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he said "how far across the field were you before you realised it was caught?".
--
Yesterday, I was driving behind a woman who was looking in the rear-view mirror, putting on her lipstick and mascara. Suddenly she noticed a stationary car in front of her and braked wildly. I had to slam on the brakes too. This caused me to drop my hot cup of coffee between my legs, which scorched 'the boys' made me scream out in agony, which made me drop my phone and interrupt a very important business call, burn the tip of my nose with the cigarette lighter instead of lighting my fag, and cracked my knees as I was using them to steer. Bloody women drivers!
--
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied "Then you ask him".
Bill was walking down the street when he ran into an old friend he hadn't seen for a while, so they went into a coffee shop to catch up.
"Did you hear that old Dave died the other day?" Bill asked. "What? But I just saw him last week! How did it happen?" "Well, he was coming around to my place when his car skidded on the stones out front, smashed through the fence, flipped into the air and he was hurled through the windscreen and straight through the upstairs bedroom window".
"Boy, poor old Dave. What a way to go".
"No, that didn't kill him. There he was, lying in broken glass on the bedroom floor, so he grabbed hold of the wardrobe door handle to pull himself up, and ended up tipping the whole thing over, fell right on top of him".
"Damn! Crushed to death!"
"No, that didn't kill him. He got to his feet, tripped on the loose glass, staggered out the bedroom door and straight down the stairs, taking the banisters with him. Ended up at the bottom of the stairs with a banister pole through his chest".
"Speared to death! My god!"
"No, that didn't kill him. He managed to stand up and go into the kitchen, slipped on the blood from his chest, fell forward, went straight through the glass oven door and ended up with his head in the roasting pan".
"So gassed to death!"
"No, that didn't kill him. He picked himself up and..."
"Wait a minute, after all that he still wasn't dead? How did he die then?" "I shot him". "You shot him??? Why???" "I had to... he was fucking wrecking the place!"
SEX SELFIES... SO YOU CAN SHOW THE INTERNET YOUR SKILLZ
So, there was this priest in a very remote village. Every Sunday he preached in church. But one Sunday was different. At the end of the thing a little kid came to him and said "Hey priest, please be good and give me a half lemon". The priest was good so gave him the half lemon. The kid quickly ran away with it before the priest even had the chance to ask what it was for.
Next Sunday the event repeated. The kid came, and he said the same thing "Priest, be good, and give me half a lemon". The priest was good and gave it to him and started running after the kid. They ran for a good while but the priest quickly got exhausted and had to return home.
He trained with the best runners out there all week. Sunday came. The boy returned.
"Priest, be good and give me half a lemon". The priest was good, and he gave him the half lemon. The chase started. The kid was running, so was the priest. After a good while they reached a ravine. The kid jumped through the thing with ease, but the priest wasn't able to. As sad as he was, he returned to the village to train for the jump. He did so for a week.
Next Sunday, as expected the kid came. "Priest, be good, and give me half a lemon". The priest was good and gave him half a lemon. Running, check. Jump, check. They were running again for a while when they got to a huge sea. The kid jumped into the water and swam away. As you could guess the priest was unable to swim, so he started taking swimming lessons.
Sunday the boy returned. "Priest, be good and give me a half lemon". The priest was so incredibly curious about what that fucking lemon was for, but he was good and he gave it to the kid. The madness starts again. Running, jumping, swimming... they ended up at the north pole where there was a plane wreck. The kid crawled inside the thing, but the priest couldn't bust it open. He set about learning from all of the thieves at home on how to break locks and stuff, as he was preparing for his final chase.
The day has come. The kid arrived. The kid asked: "Priest, be good, and give me half a lemon". The priest was good. And he gave him the lemon. They were running, jumping through, swimming in the sea and the kid got into the plane again. The priest has got it this time. He opened the lock and he finally had the boy and his secret in his hands.
He said to the boy "Boy. I captured you! Now you must tell me why you needed all of those half lemons!" The kid had nowhere else to go so he said "Alright, priest. I will tell you. But only if you promise to be good and not tell anyone". And so, the priest was good, and didn't tell anyone.
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day. As they had not been dating very long, it was a very difficult decision. After careful consideration, he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves.
Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves. His sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time. The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up. The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties.
The young man mailed his Valentine's Day gift with the following note:
"This special Valentine's Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove. When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me".
Love, Cuddle Bear
PS: The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing.
On Friday, the teacher told the kids that there would be a special show and tell on Monday. The object they bring should be something that a member of the family uses and they must ask what they use it for when they borrow it.
Come Monday, little Suzy stands at the front, holds up something small and says "This is my mum's pin cushion. She said that she uses it to keep pins and needles in".
Next, Timmy holds up a hammer and says "This is my dad's hammer. He says he uses it to whack nails into bits of wood".
And so it goes, until only Johnny is left.
"Well, Johnny, do you have something to show us?" asks teacher. "Yes Miss, but it's too big to bring in here, you need to look out the window". Everyone crowds to the window and sees a big grey machine with a large bellows and pipes running all around it, and an electric plug trailing out the back.
"This is my granddad's iron lung" says Johnny. "And what did he say when you borrowed it?" asked teacher. "Nothing, he just went huuurrrggghhhhhh".
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A very successful, arrogant young barrister is playing golf.
His ball goes out of bounds into a farmer's field. Just as he is about to climb over the fence to retrieve his ball an elderly farmer shouts out to him "Hey, keep off my land. You can't climb my fence without asking my permission first".
The barrister says "You obviously have no idea who I am. I am a top barrister and you are just some dumb farmer. If you prevent me from retrieving my ball, I can sue you for every penny you have".
"I don't know how you fancy barristers settle things" says the farmer "but around here we use the one-punch rule".
"The one-punch rule... what is that?" asks the barrister.
The old farmer explains "First I get to give you one punch, then you get to punch me, and so on until one of us gives up".
The barrister looks at the old farmer and thinks there is no way he can lose a fight against such an old man so he agrees to the contest.
The old farmer draws back his fist and, with all his strength, punches the barrister square on the nose, knocking him to the ground and drawing blood.
After taking a few minutes to recover the barrister says "Right you old codger.... now it's my turn!"
"No need" says the farmer "I give up, you can have your ball".
"OOPS BETTER GET SOME CLOTHES ON BEFORE ANYONE SEES MY BITS!"
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot". The old lady suggested "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why thank you very much" he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time".
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
Shocked, the farmer said "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens!"
A police officer was brought to the stand to testify on behalf of his partner who was accused of making a wrongful arrest.
"Your honour" the cop began "my partner on duty has always been my closest friend and my most trustworthy work associate. I trust this man with my life and I believe that speaks volumes for his character".
"Objection, your honour!" Said the plaintiff's lawyer.
"Sustained" said the judge. "If there's anything that can contradict such a moving testimony, I'd like to know so that I can make the best decision".
"Officer, I have three questions for you". Continued the judge. "First, where do you keep your personal belongings at the station?"
The officer recognised this to be an odd question, but he humoured the lawyer. "The locker room, I suppose".
"Excellent" replied the lawyer "and do you keep those items under lock and key?"
"I do".
"Right" the lawyer grinned "so, if you trust your fellow cops so much, why do you feel the need to lock your items at work?"
The officer chuckled. "Well, at the station we do have quite a few detainments... so we know lawyers pass through all the time!"
LOVE THEM OR HATE THEM, PIERCED NIPPLES *MUST* BE SEEN
There were 3 boys living with their grandfather deep in an Asian jungle. One day, their grandfather asked them to accompany the grouchy old lady that lived nearby them while she walked out to town. Before they left, their grandfather said "Behave and remember all that I have taught you".
As they walked the old lady nagged and nagged. She complained about every little thing they did and constantly let them know how useless they were.
As they neared the town they stepped out of the jungle into an open field and standing in the centre of the opening stood a large mango tree covered in ripe fruit. Two of the boys sprang ahead mouths watering, but the youngest boy snatched them by their arms and yelled "Stop!"
Shocked, his older brothers glared back at him. Confidently the young boy said "Brothers, ladies first!"
With a smug grin the heavy old lady shoved her way past and into the field.
The oldest brother now infuriated grabbed his younger brother and growled "What is wrong with you!? That old hag has done nothing, but torment us. Why would you show her any respect? Let alone treat her like a lady?"
Standing proud the youngest brother calmly replied "Brothers, our grandfather has raised us as gentlemen. He told us no matter what, we should treat ladies as such..."
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Two Irish Nuns have just arrived in USA by boat, and one says to the other "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs". "Odd" her companion replies "But if we shall live in America.... we might as well do as the Americans do".
As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling "Hotdogs! get your dog's here!".
They both walk towards the hot dog cart.
"Two dogs, please" says one.
The vendor is very pleased to oblige.
He wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.
Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush profusely and then staring at it again for a moment, she leans to the other Nun and in a soft brogue whispers "What part did you get?"
A 6-year-old says to his 4-year-old brother "You know what? I think it's about time we start cussing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm going to say hell and you say arse".
"Okay!" said the 4-year-old with enthusiasm.
Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Awe hell mum, I guess I'll have some Cheerios!"
*WHACK!*
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out. Mum locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs and asks the 4-year-old "And what do YOU want for breakfast?
"I don't know... but you can bet your arse it won't be Cheerios!"
A group of scientists one day decided to cut open the heads of a dead German, Japanese guy and a dead blonde, to see what goes on inside their heads and what makes them so different.
They first open the German's head. Inside they see gears everywhere, it looks like the inside of a Swiss watch, extremely impressive. They decide to close the lid and go on to the Japanese guy.
They open the Japanese guy's head. Inside are complex circuit boards and vast electronics, it looks like a computer inside, with chipsets galore. Very impressed by this, they decide to close his lid and move on to the blonde.
Upon opening the blonde's head, they find nothing, only a single wire running from one side of the head to the other. Extremely fascinated by this, and equally stumped by the purpose of the wire, they realise the only way they will find out what it does is to cut it and see what happens.
So, one guy gets the side cutters and they cut the wire. As soon as they do so, the two ears on either side of the blonde's head fall off.
Well, as far as updates go, I'm pretty happy with that.
-Follow me on Facebook. Some of the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. They're bulging with goodness and quite a lot of those DON'T WATCH THIS videos too.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Same Orsm station, same Orsm channel.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will force you to spend Valentine's Day with him Sure, it involves consuming a significant amount of KFC and chocolate whilst sitting in the dark watching scifi movies... but its the stench of loneliness that'll get ya...
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and whateverrrrrr. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2020.02.06-19.29
Welcome to REALLY???????
It's really not significant or relevant to pretty much anything but we've just cracked 201920 and we're already at update number 6. In other news, I'm not as fat as I used to be and a great deal of people are still arseholes. And that's about all I have to say today. For once I've actually managed to get this update together before the sun is down so going to enjoy this rare bounty and skip straight to where I say check it...
I've noticed that all women seem to carry around two key items in their handbags. Lipstick to make sure their lips stay red and moist, and tampons to make sure that they don't.
--
A man is sitting on a railway carriage staring intently at the guy across from him. "Hey" says the guy "why are you staring at me?" "Whether you believe it or not" says Bob "you are the spitting image of my mother-in-law. Except for the moustache". "I don't have a moustache" says the guy. "No, but my mother-in-law does".
--
Mat's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years". "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part".
--
Many years ago I was on a sailing yacht crossing the Bay of Biscay. Seasickness was a major problem, especially as I was the navigator, and had to spend a lot of time at the chart table down below. In the medical box was a packet marked "suppositories, for severe seasickness". I tried a couple - useless, did nothing, might as well have stuck them up my arse...
--
Two rednecks, Bob and Eustace, were strolling around the swamps in Alabama when Eustace decided to dip his legs into a little pond between the reeds to cool off, while Bob was scouting around looking for salvageable things after a storm. Suddenly Eustace screams out in terror "Aaaaaahhhhh, Bob, Bob, a darn alligator's bitin' off my leg!!!" Bob screams back "Which one?" To which Eustace replies "Well, I dun know, all these darn alligators lookin' the same to me Bob!"
--
What do you call a girl who doesn't suck dick? A cab.
--
A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her Grandmother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa" she says excitedly "as soon as Grandma comes into the room, can you please please please make a noise like a frog!" "What?" said her Grandpa. "Make a noise like a frog......pleeeaaassseee. Because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disneyland!?
--
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said "here put these on". She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants" she said. "That's right!" said the husband "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said "Try these on". He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude"...
--
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!
--
My wife texted me a selfie in a new dress and asked "Does my butt look big in this dress?" I texted back "NOO!" My phone autocorrected my response to "MOO!" Please send HELP.
--
A cowboy emigrated to Wales. He opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch. Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.
"A considerate man would give up his seat to a lady in my condition" said the pregnant woman, indignantly looking down at me on the bus. Keeping my eyes on the paper "A considerate woman would have fucked a guy with a car" I replied.
--
Whenever my anorexic girlfriend says she needs a pee, I never know if she needs the toilet or she's just hungry.
--
Two sales reps sitting in a bar. First guy says "I made a fool of myself this morning". Second guy asks "How?" First guy "I was walking up to the check in at the airport and your one behind the desk had the biggest boobs ever. Instead of saying 'Can I have two tickets to Pittsburgh' I said 'Can I have two pickets to Titsburg?'" The second guy says "It happens me all the time; only this morning I was having breakfast with the wife and instead of saying 'Could you please pass the butter' I said 'You're ruining my life you fucking bitch!'"
--
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything". "That's quite a coincidence" said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything". The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.
There was once a man called John. John had a remarkably ordinary life. He went to school, got his degree, got himself a secure office job, set up his pension fund, met a nice girl, got married, and had two wonderful sons. John was set for life. But he was bored.
It was that sneaky boredom that you don't quite know when it set in, but it absorbs your whole life. His job, home, kids, it lacked the excitement he craved, and while he was happy with his wife, and proud of his sons, he always had the nagging feeling of wanting more from his life. He wanted excitement.
On one particularly unremarkable Sunday, John was on his daily walk. His town was big on agriculture, and John enjoyed walking the dirt track by the many fields of crops and livestock. On this particular day, he heard a voice singing in the distance. The voice was a woman's, and had a beautiful tone to it that John couldn't resist. He immediately headed in the direction of the voice, trying to find the woman to whom it belonged.
After 10 minutes of the voice growing louder and louder, John wound up by a field of beautiful brown horses. This was where the voice was coming from, but John saw no sign of any woman. He scanned around him, but he was the only person in sight. He started to wonder if maybe the boredom had finally driven him insane, when one of the nearby horses through her head up, and clear as day sang out
"Jolene, Jolene, Jolene Joleeeeeeeene".
John was completely blown away by this. It was happening, clear as day, in front of his very eyes, the horse was singing in perfect English, with perfect pitch, and a tone that could rival Dolly Parton herself. When she finished her song and returned to her grazing, John approached her. A brilliant idea on his mind.
"Excuse me" John spoke. "I heard you sing just now, and my God it was absolutely beautiful. How did you learn that?" The horse stared back at him, a little shy, but eventually answered. "The farmers play the songs, I sing the ones I like".
John asked "Do the farmers know you can speak?" The horse shook her head. "You're the first who's ever heard my singing sir".
John scratched his chin, his idea growing more and more. Without speaking, he vaulted over the fence and made his way up the hill to the farmer's cottage. He knocked on the door and was greeted by a 60-something-year-old man who reeked of tobacco and booze.
"Excuse me" John spoke "I know this sounds insane but I'd like to buy one of your horses. I'm willing to pay $5000 for her". John had quite a lot of money saved, and his plan was guaranteed to make him rich beyond measure.
The farmer didn't take much convincing, as $5000 was quite a generous amount, and he had 14 other horses in his field. The two men shook hands, and John made his way back to the singing horse.
"Hi again. Listen, the world needs to hear your singing. I've spoken to your farmer and he's agreed for you to be released into my care. I'd like to be your manager, and together we can make you the most famous singer in the world".
The horse was awestruck. She had never assumed she was good enough to be a star. She immediately agreed, and followed John home.
Two weeks later, the first gig was announced for Millie the singing Horse. Many thought it was a cheap scam, but morbid curiosity brought enough people to the venue. Overnight, Millie became a global superstar. People from all over the world wanted to come and see Millie perform live. She appeared as a guest on just about every talk show you could imagine, and every venue she played sold out completely.
After 3 years, Millie's career was still growing strong. She had released 2 studio albums, and was booked to play Madison Square garden the following night. John was also doing incredibly well for himself, and he, his wife, and two sons were all living high in the lap of luxury, all of them set up to never need to work a day for the rest of their lives.
In preparation for the Madison Square gig, Millie had flown up to New York ahead of John and the others, who were set to join her the following night. Their plane was scheduled to land in an hour when she got the call.
"Hello Millie?" "Yes, speaking". "This is Dan Byrne with the TSA, I'm afraid we have some terrible news. The plane that your manager, John was on, unfortunately crashed. There weren't any survivors".
Millie dropped the phone in shock. John, her best friend, the one who had believed in her and made her the celebrity she was, was dead. His whole family with him. She called the venue to cancel the performance, apologising to her fans, but she was just not able to perform. The pain was too much.
After several hours of lying on the floor in the hotel room, waiting to wake up from the horrible nightmare she now found herself in, she decided she needed a strong drink.
She made her way down to the hotel bar, where the bartender approached her and said...
Little Johnny and his sister come down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if they had done their chores.
"Not yet" said Little Johnny.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well" his mother says "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk".
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The father sits down in his chair and picks up the paper. "Hey dad, mom saw you kick the cat, so you know what that means!"
"What?
"No pussy for a week!" Johnny cries laughing.
Johnny's father, without looking up at him or his mother, says "How the fuck is that different from any other week?"
Upon hearing all of this, Johnny's sister runs out of the house and dashes for the rooster pen, only to get tackled by her father midway.
A tax inspector visits a synagogue to check and make sure everything is going by the rules. A Rabbi gives him a small tour.
"You do have quite a lot of money" remarks the tax inspector. "Well we make sure to recycle as much as we can, in order to save as much money as possible" explains the Rabbi. "For example, with all the candles we burn in this synagogue, we have a lot of left-over wax. We collect all this wax and once a year we send it back to the candle factory. There they make it into some brand-new candles and they sell it to us with a discount!"
The tax inspector is intrigued with these money saving tactics.
"You eat quite a lot of the unleavened Matza bread over the year all together. What do you do with those left-overs?" he asks. "Well we collect all the left-overs from the Matza bread and once a year we send it all back to the bakery. They make some brand-new breads out of it and sell it to us almost for free!"
As his curiosity grows the inspector asks: "So what do you do with all the left-overs from circumcisions?" "Well, we collect all the skin we're left with and once a year we send it all back to the Tax Authorities. And every year they send a new dick back".
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
Three old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by.
One of the old Grandmas yelled out "Hey we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!" The old man said "There is no way you can guess my age!"
One of the Grandmas said "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age".
Embarrassed but anxious to prove they couldn't do it he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and then jump up and down several times.
Determined to prove them wrong he did it.
Then they all said in unison "You're 87-years-old!"
Standing with his pants down around his ankles the old gent asked "How in the world did you guess my age?"
Slapping their knees high-fiving and grinning from ear to ear the three old ladies happily crowed... "We were at your birthday party yesterday!"
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything... but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it".
The man groans, but the doctor goes on "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch".
The man perks up.
"So" the doctor says "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now, she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision".
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day "So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes I have" says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor. "We're getting a new kitchen..."
Two retired gentlemen met up in their club for drinks. The first said "How's that son of yours getting on, Bernard?"
"Oh, very well, thank you. This year his company made record profits so now he's bought himself a country estate. In fact, he's given away his flat in Mayfair to one of his friends. What about your son?" asked the second man.
"I'm pleased to say, he's also doing well. He's just finished another very successful film and with the proceeds, he's given away his 2-seater plane and bought himself a company jet".
As the two men sat there, contemplating their off-springs' good fortune, another man joined them.
"Good evening, Bernard, hello, Geoffrey, may I join you?" "Certainly" they replied "we were just catching up on news of our sons. How's yours doing, by the way?"
"Well, mixed fortunes really" he said. "Last week he confessed to my wife and I that he was gay. But it's not all bad news. He's made some lovely friends. One's given him a flat in Mayfair and the other's presented him with a 2-seater plane".
A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires over California. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze.
When the photographer arrived, he realised that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport and where a plane would be waiting for him.
He arrived at the airport turned right instead of left as advised and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted "Let's go!" The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.
The photographer said "Fly over to the fire area and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures".
"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer" he responded "and photographers take photographs".
The pilot was silent for a moment. Finally he stammered "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.
"Why not?" asked the man. "Because it's not safe" replied the doctor.
"But I need it really bad" said the man. "Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.
The man said "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose".
The doctor finally relented saying "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects".
On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling. The doctor asked "What happened to you?" The man said "No one showed up".
85-year-old Biker Bob was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow".
The next day Bob reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the old biker explained "Well you see, doc, it's like this. First, I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my old lady for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Sally, the gal next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing".
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?" Bob replied "Yep! And none of us could get that damn jar open".
On a fine Sunday the church was full. The father was preaching when suddenly a very hot lady with big tits screams "PATRICK YOU BASTARD!"
About twenty minutes later she again screams "PATRICK YOU BASTARD!"
This goes on throughout the whole service and as people were leaving, Father approaches the lady and asks her calmly to tell him what was troubling her. "Not here father" she says.
So, he takes her to his room and asks her to share her grief. She removes her coat which exposes her deep cleavage and says "It's very shameful, Farther. I cannot say it". Father assures her that nothing can be shameful for him. And offers to act out whatever she would say.
She agrees and begins "I met Patrick about 3 months ago in this church, we started taking and liked each other". She continues "One day he invited me to his house where he hugged me... oh it's so embarrassing, I won't be able to say it!" "Nothing is embarrassing my child" said the Father and went close to her and hugged her. "Is this how he hugged you?" "Yes Father" she continued "then he pulled me close to him and k..k.. kissed me. Oh this is so embarrassing"
Father now finding himself aroused and staring down her cleavage says "Please my child, continue... did he kiss you like this?" And he kisses her. "Yes father" she continued "then he slowly took my top off... ohh..."
Before she could say anything Farther pulls her top off. "Like this my child? " "Yes Father" she says getting somewhat comfortable now. "Then he slid my skirt off" Before she's finished saying it, the testosterone charged father pulls her skirt down in a flash "like this? " "Yes father, then he took his clothes off". Hearing this, Father, unable to control himself, rips HIS clothes off!
"Then he lay me down and climbed on top of me". Father need not be told anything else he did exactly that. "Then he fucked me!"
Father could not hold it back and vigorously screwed her for an hour making up for all the lost time.
After he finished, the father said "That sounds pretty normal... so what went wrong?" "It's after that he confessed to me that he had AIDS!"
This time father's thunderous voice echoes through the church "PATRICK, YOU BASTARD!!"
Well... we made it. The end of the update. BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE! Please read on...
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there; maybe it'll even happen this week.
-Check out the archives or don't. See if I care.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Just for something, you know, different.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will use his mental health issues as an excuse to gain sympathy after he's done something shitty to you.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and enjoy the week. Mr. Orsm.
![Insanely Fuckable Body [And Pussy!]](/thumbs/amateur-insanely-fuckable-body-and-pussy.jpg)
![Ouch It Hurts X [Compilation]](/thumbs/the-ouch-it-hurts-compilation-x.jpg)
