Today seems like a fantastic opportunity to capitalise on the fact the update was done and dusted well ahead of schedule. I could explain why and how that’s happened, thank my family, thank God, my agent, but most of all it was my own sacrifices, blood and sweat that has afforded this most wonderful occurrence. Check it...
I was at this wedding, and I said to the bloke next to me "Fucking hell, that bride is ugly". "Do you mind? That's my daughter!" came the reply. I said "I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were her father".
"I'm not, I'm her mother".
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A camel, a giraffe, a donkey, and a pig all went to an audition at a comedy club. The camel went on first. He did an impersonation of a llama, told ten jokes, and then left the stage. The judges all laughed. Then the giraffe came out. First the giraffe cleared her throat, which took a little while. Then the giraffe did a headstand and told a few tall tales. The judges found her so funny that they asked her to come back the next day. The donkey went on stage next. The donkey had a really zany act, and the judges got a kick out of it. Finally, the pig stood at the microphone. He told a really, really, really, long shaggy-dog story about a circus dog. The joke was so long that it took the pig two hours to tell it. The judges were so upset that they threw the pig out of the club. Why didn't the judges like the pig? The pig was actually a real boar.
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A grade school teacher meets her new class at the start of the year and starts asking them their names. She goes to the first child "What is your name?" The girl replied "Lilly". The teacher says "That's a lovely name, how did you get your name?" The girl replied "Because when I was born a lilly landed on me". She goes to the second child "What is your name?" The girl replied "Daisy". The teacher says "That's a lovely name, how did you get your name?" The girl replied "Because when I was born a daisy landed on me". She goes to the third child "What is your name?" "FRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDGGE"
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My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
--
A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon". Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago". The manager then drew the clerk aside and growled "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. "Now, what was it she wanted?" The clerk answered "Snow".
--
A man farts in bed next to his wife. His wife asks "What in the world was that?" He replies "Try! I'm winning, seven nothing". She decides to get even, so she lets one loose. He yells at her "What was that?" She replies "Try! Tied score". He wants to get her back, but he tries so hard he shits the bed. The wife asks "Now what in the world was that?" He replies "Halftime, switch sides".
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I just opened my electricity and water bills at the same time. I was completely shocked.
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I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said "You obviously weren't listening".
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In a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?" The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looks over his glasses and replied "How very sporting of your mother!"
Two men are waiting for a train. The younger man asks the older man for the time, but the older man ignores him. After a while, the younger man again asks for the time and again the older man ignores him. Frustrated, the younger man finally asks "Why won't you answer me when I ask you for the time. The older man sighs and explains "Look, if I tell you the time, we'll start to talk. Then when the train comes, you might sit down next to me. Perhaps we'll get to know each other, and maybe I'll eventually invite you to my house for Shabbat dinner. Maybe then you and my daughter would really get along; why, you might even get engaged! And why would I want a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"
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"We should always help abled people" says Miss Mandy to the class. "Would anyone like to share a story where you helped one?" she asks. Kevin stands up and says "I, with my 4 friends, made a blind woman cross a road!" Miss Mandy says "Wow! That's amazing! But, may I ask, why did it take 5 of you for this simple task?" "Umm... I think she didn't want to cross it..."
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A vicious burglar breaks into a house late at night, orders the couple out of bed and ties them up. Now the husband is a big sissy, afraid of his own shadow, so he whispers to his wife "Darling, do whatever he says. If he wants sex with you, then let him have it, otherwise he might hurt us". "Whatever you say" replies his wife. "By the way, he told me he thought you had a nice, tight little butt".
--
A black boy walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says "Look Mama, I'm a white boy!" His mother smacks him and says "Go tell your Daddy what you just said!" The boy finds his father and says "Look Daddy, I'm a white boy!" His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says "Now, what do you have to say for yourself?" The boy replies "I've only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black cunts!"
Dr. Drobkin was a world-famous cardiologist who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his hometown and then left for Manhattan where he quickly rose to the top of his field.
Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference held in his hometown. He walked on stage, placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor.
As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the lecture room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his hometown again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Cohen and arrived under cover of darkness.
The desk clerk asked him "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Cohen?"
Dr. Drobkin replied "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here, received my education here, but then moved away".
"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.
"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return".
The clerk consoled him "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too".
Dr. Drobkin replied "Son, I doubt that's the case with my embarrassment".
"Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many years".
The clerk asked "Was it before or after the Drobkin Fart?"
Suzanne was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking. Her friend asked her "Why did you cut off the end of the ham?
She replied "I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to".
Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied "I really don't know, but that's the way my mum always did it".
A few weeks later, while visiting her grandmother, Suzanne asked "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?"
Her grandmother replied "Well dear, it would never fit into my baking pan".
Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.
TRANSPORTATION: It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.
a) If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
b) If you drive a 10-year-old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.
c) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
ANNUAL LEAVE: Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year (they are called SATURDAY's AND SUNDAY's).
LUNCH BREAK: a) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
b) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
c) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY: As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.
You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
INTERNET USAGE: All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary.
Important Note: Charges applicable as $0.50 per minute as we have fast connection.
FYI, 73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their Internet charges have exceeded the equivalent of 3 months' salary.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed somewhere else.
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs. One night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes when a blond in the 4th row stands on her chair and launches into a tirade...
"I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person - Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blonds, but women in general, and you disguise your contempt behind a cover phrase called 'humour!' Well, I know better. I don't appreciate what you say one bit! And it isn't funny!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist stammers as he begins to apologize. The blond easily interrupts him and yells "You stay out of this, Mister! I'm talking to that little shit man on your knee and if he doesn't shut up I'm gonna come up there and smash his face in!"
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Toward the end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"
Then POOF! she was gone.
After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend Fred.
"Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back "I'm over here, in the pussy willows".
Harry yells back... "DON'T SWING, FRED!! For God's sake, DON'T SWING!!"
While walking down the street one day, a high-ranking politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven" says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you". "No problem, just let me in" says the politician.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity". "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven" says the politician. "I'm sorry but we have our rules".
And with that, St. Peter escorts the politician to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realises it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven".
So, 24 hours pass with the politician head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity".
He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell".
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the politician and lays an arm on his neck.
"I don't understand" stammers the politician. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable".
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us".
Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this - especially all of the ladies who bake for church events.
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.
She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp.
But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the centre had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake".
This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of new friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the centre of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom -- a roll of toilet paper & newspaper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom. Alice was horrified. She couldn't imagine what had gone wrong. Alice was beside herself. Everyone would know, what would they think? "Oh, my" she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP 'd she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South. Then, to Alice's horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert.
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake. She started out of her chair to rush to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say "Thank you, I baked it myself".
Alice smiled and thought to herself "GOD is good".
WOMAN #2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy-looking?
WOMAN #1: Oh Goodness, no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with it how it is, I think.
WOMAN #2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts-that would really suit you. I was going to do that except that I was afraid it would accentuate my long neck.
WOMAN #1: What's wrong with your neck? I would love to have a neck like yours; anything to take attention away from my awful shoulder line.
WOMAN #2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything hangs so well on you. You're like a walking fashion catalogue. But look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders, I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
One day in the city a bus driver was making his usual stops. At the first stop a woman came to the front of the bus to get off. She turned to the bus driver and said "I think I was just molested back there".
The bus driver looked at her and said "Not on my bus. You couldn't have been". So, he lets her off and drives on.
He comes to the next stop and another woman comes to the front to get off. She, too, looks at the bus driver and says "I think I was just molested back there".
Now the bus driver thinks that something has to be wrong, to get two complaints like this in one day is just unheard of. He gets up out of his seat and goes to the back of the bus. To his surprise there is a bald guy crawling on the floor on his hands and knees.
The bus driver says "Sir, what are you doing?"
The man looks at him and says "I lost my toupee. I thought I found it twice, but I lost it again".
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not rung in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with a main computer, he phoned the employee's home number and was greeted with a child's whisper "Hello?"
"Is your daddy home?" he asked. "Yes" whispered the small voice.
"May I speak to him?" The child whispered "No".
Surprised and wanting to talk to an adult, the boss asked "Is your mummy there?" "Yes".
"Well may I speak to her, then?" Again, the small voice whispered "No".
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked "Is anybody else there?" "Yes" whispered the child "a policeman".
Wondering what the police would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak to the policeman?" "No, he's busy" whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" "Talking to mummy and daddy and the fireman" came the whispered reply.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background coming down the phone, the boss asked "What's that noise?" "A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
"What's going on there?" demanded the boss, now really apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered "The search team has just landed a helicopter".
Alarmed, concerned, and a little frustrated, the boss asked "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle "ME!"
The children and grandchildren of an elderly Jewish woman decided to send grandma on a cruise.
Grandma boarded the ship and showed her ticket to the purser.
He looked at it and said "Oh, I see you have U.D". She replied "U.D.? Voos is U.D.? He said "U.D. is Upper Deck".
She then went to the upper deck and showed her ticket to the purser there.
He said "I see, that in addition to U.D., you also have O.C". Grandma replied "O.C.? Voos is O.C.?" The purser said "O.C. is Outside Cabin".
Grandma, needless to say, was delighted.
She then showed her ticket to the cabin boy and he said "Oh, I see that you also have B.I.B". "Voos is B.I.B.?" asked grandma. The cabin boy answered "B.I.B. is Breakfast In Bed". "Oh!!" she said "Mine children and grandchildren are vonderful".
Well, the next morning, bright and early, the staff came right into her room with trays of food for her breakfast in bed.
She said "F.U.C.K"
Shocked, they said "F.U.C.K? What do you mean F.U.C.K.?" To which she replied "Yes, F.U.C.K.... First U Could Knock!"
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. Here even if I'm not.
-Next update will be next Thursday. WHAT DID YOU EXPECT???????
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will ??
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and then there was... more. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2020.06.18-20.05
Welcome to you're such a squid.
Got the flu jab a few weeks back. First time in about 5 years because, about 5 years ago, I got the jab and went down hard for 2 weeks followed by a couple more of snot, crappiness, aches, and angry thoughts. Weighing everything up, it seemed better to run the gauntlet going out in public unjabbed than definitely be smashed by the jab. Worked for the most part; think I only got full-blown flu once. Then 2020 happened. Firstly, the big push by health authorities for everyone to get immunised planted the seed. Secondly, all the stupid-arse, goddamn retarded, ill-informed, uneducated, fuck-faced, imbecilic conspiracy theorists put me over the edge. I used to be okay knowing there were people with different points of view; live and let live and all that. But as these jerktards become more 'woke', so do the extremes of their beliefs. Eventually it became clear by not getting the jab I was leaving myself susceptible to people so self-important they genuinely think Bill Gates is trying to kill them. So I got the jab, my arm was sore for a day or two then........ my dick fell off nothing else happened. Which I think means 5 years ago I must have got the flu virus from someone around same time I got the jab. *shrug*
Alright ladies and gents, boys and girls, children... let's get doing an update. This one has come through on time which basically NEVER happens. Not for not trying though - it took weeks of planning to make that happen. Which makes me wonder [lot of that going on today]... is getting the update done on schedule worth more to me than all the late nights and weekends lost...? Its prob best not to ask. Annnnnnyway... enjoy this update. It fucking rules. Check it...
What is the first thing a battered wife does when she gets home from hospital? Dinner and the laundry if she's got any sense.
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Superman was talking to Batman at the superhero's convention. "On my way here" he says "I was flying past Wonder Woman's flat when I looked through the window and saw her lying stark naked on her bed with her legs apart. So I fly in through the window and give her one". "Really" replies Batman "was she surprised?" "Yeah" says Superman "but not as much as the invisible man was!"
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Two elderly ladies have been friends for many decades. Over the years, they partook in many activities and adventures together. Lately, their activities have been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day when they were playing cards, one looked at the other and said "Now don't get mad at me - I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is?" Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally, she said "How soon do you need to know?"
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My neighbour with the big boobs has been walking up and down the garden topless all day. Just wish his wife would do the same.
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A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately". The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?" The guy replies: "I did... today I'm taking them to the beach!"
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A husband and wife were vacationing in when they decided to go out on a charter fishing boat. A large wave washed her overboard where she disappeared immediately. The Coast Guard were called out for the search and the husband went back to his hotel to await the outcome. Six hours later a CG officer calls on the man at the hotel. "Sir, we dragged the bottom and managed to snag your wife's body, when we pulled her up there were 12 huge king crabs attached to her feeding on her body. But we do have some good news". "Good news!? What kind of good news could there be!?" "Well sir... we're pulling her up again tomorrow".
--
The crusty old managing partner finally passed away, but his firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him. "I'm sorry, he's dead" was the standard answer. Finally, the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realise it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why he kept calling. The reply "I used to be one of his junior associates... I just like hearing you say it".
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A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently. "I think you're bad luck. Get the fuck away from me".
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An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband. "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?" He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid".
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A blonde goes to collect her expensive jacket from the dry cleaners. The owner, an Indian lady, says "Thank you. Come again!" To which the blonde replies "No, luckily this time it was only yogurt".
Man says to his boss "Can we talk? I have a problem". Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!" Man: "Okay, I have a serious drinking opportunity".
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"I've just had the worst time" the boy said. "First, I had angina pectoris, and then arteriosclerosis. As I was recovering, I got psoriasis. Hypodermics was followed by tonsillitis, and lastly they gave me appendectomy". "Wow!" said his friends". How did you survive?" "I don't know" said the boy. "Toughest spelling test I've ever had!"
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My friend has got a butler who only has one arm. Serves him right.
--
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny. After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: "All 40 accounted for". "But I only have 36 sheep" says the farmer. "I know" says the sheepdog. "I rounded them up".
--
A teacher asks a boy in her class "If 3 birds are sitting on a fence, and one is shot, how many are left?" The boy responds with "None". The teacher asks why. "They would all fly away after hearing the gunshot". The teacher says "The answer is 2, but I like the way you think. Later, the boy asks the teacher "3 women walk out of an ice cream shop. One is eating with a spoon, one is licking it, and one is sucking it. Which one is married?" The teacher says "The one sucking it". The boy says "No, the one wearing the ring, but I like the way you think".
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down. That's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.
Signed, Your Loving Son.
HOW DO YOU MAKE THE GREAT OUTDOORS GREATER? LIKE THIS...
Dobbins lost his eye in an accident and couldn't afford the price of a glass eye. So he carved one out of wood. But he was so self-conscious that he never left the house.
Finally, his friend Eddy came over and forced him to go out.
"There's a dance over at the club" he said "So what if one of your eyes is made out of wood?" "All right" said Dobbins "but if anybody makes fun of my eye I'm leaving".
He went to the dance and stood around, trying to build up his courage. And then he saw a woman standing alone in the corner. She was very attractive, but she had a hunchback.
"She's worse off than me" Dobbins thought "The least I can do is ask her to dance.
He walked across the crowded dance floor and approached the girl. "Would you care to dance?" he asked.
"Would I?!" she exclaimed.
"That does it" he shouted "Hunchback! Hunchback!"
CHUBBY / CURVY / BBW / WHATEVER - HERE'S 30 GIRLS WHO FALL INTO ONE OF THOSE CATEGORIES!
Uncle Ajax prided himself on his memory. He always knew where he put down his glasses, and he never seemed to forget which box held his old watches and ties. Nonetheless, one morning he discovered that his expensive new hat was not on the hat rack by the front door. He couldn't remember where he had worn it last, and he hadn't gone anywhere without it. His wife didn't know anything about it, and that lost hat really aggravated him.
He spent days looking for it.
Finally, he accepted the fact that the hat was gone forever, and, since he was also something of a cheat, decided that he'd go to the nearby church on Sunday morning, where there would be a lot of men showing up in their best clothes including, of course, fine hats. He would come in a little late and sit at the back. Then, during the service, he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.
On Sunday, he went to the church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 Commandments. He sat through the whole sermon. The sermon had apparently really reached him, because, instead of sneaking out and stealing one of the parishioners' hats, he stayed behind as everyone else left the building, and went up to the pulpit to talk to the minister.
He said to the minister "Father, I have to admit that I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind".
The minister was visibly pleased, having served in that parish for 20 years without a single member complimenting him on anything he had ever said. "Bless you, my son" he burbled. "Was it when I started to preach 'thou shall not steal' that changed your heart?"
My uncle responded "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach about that, I remembered where I left my hat".
The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town.
One day, walking down Main St., he noticed a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald" the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. "I'd love to go home with you. You're such a cutie".
"I don't mean my home" he stammered. "We have to get you out of here now".
With that he attempted to get Mrs. Fitzgerald on her feet. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realised that she had had too much to drink grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up laying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said "Hey, look here buddy, we won't have any of that carrying around in this bar!"
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz".
The bartender looked surprised, then said "Hell then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish it up".
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A woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. She invested all her inheritance and now her business has gone bankrupt. Brandi is in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. This is unusual for her. Brandi has never prayed before, but if ever she needed the Lord before, she needs him now.
Brandi begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto".
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".
Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me!? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I have never asked you for help before and I have always been a good Christian. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order".
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself. "Brandi, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket".
An elderly couple was driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asked "What did he say?"
The old man yelled "He says you were speeding!"
The patrolman said "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband and asked "What did he say?"
The old man yelled "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave him her license.
The patrolman said "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen".
The woman turned to her husband and asked "What did he say?"
The old man yelled "He thinks he knows you!"
After the old lady got her ticket, she ordered her husband to drive, then climbed in the back seat. The woman was so mad she ranted on and on about the stupidity of the cop who had given her the ticket. The old man did the best he could to ignore her and tried to watch the scenery as he drove on.
It grew dark. With a grim smile, the old man noted he was finally able to tune her out. After gaining a semblance of peace, it was with great annoyance that he noted the same patrolman come up fast behind him and signal for him to pull over. With a great sigh, he slowed down and waited for the cop. To his surprise he saw the man dragging his wife from the patrol car to his car. She was bitching every step of the way.
"Hey, Mister, did you know your wife fell out of the car a few miles back??" the officer asked.
"Really? No kidding!? Hey, thanks for telling me, Officer. For a while I was worried that I was going deaf too!!"
One says "I'm going to become a lion tamer". The other replies "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming".
"Yes, I do!"
"Well, okay, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?" "Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down".
"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"
"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down".
"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?" "Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him".
"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?" "Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage".
"Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?" "Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that".
NOTE FROM GUYS: THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS TOO MUCH FIGURE HUGGING
A Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race on the St. Lawrence River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The North Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.
A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the North American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So, North American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.
It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program" with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices, and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the North American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and cancelled all capital investments in new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India.
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously
very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk in a stuttering voice: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"
The clerk, trying as hard as he could not to burst out laughing, politely replies: "Yes, we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models. Can I help you find one?"
The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt t twoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by buhbuhbuhbuhbatteries?
A young man's mother was now living in the big city and he didn't see her that often. His father was no longer around and he was worried that his mom was lonely.
For her birthday, he purchased a rare parrot, trained to speak seven languages. He had a courier deliver the bird to his dear mother. A few days later, he called.
"Ma, what do you think of the bird?"
"The bird was good, but a little tough. I should have cooked it longer".
"You ate the bird? Mom, that bird was very expensive. It spoke seven languages!"
"Oh, excuse me. but, if that bird was so smart, why didn't it say something when I put it in the oven?"
CZECH CHICKS ARE BASICALLY PERFECT. PROOF I'M NOT WRONG:
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two bratty kids in tow. Up and down the aisles she screams obscenities at them. The kids of course act miserable the whole time. No one has a clue what to do or say. As a result, the whole place is in a tense hush wherever the three of them go.
Finally, the manager sends over the official Wal-Mart Greeter. He tells the elderly man to see if he can get some peace and quiet one of the kids kicks. For his efforts, he is immediately kicked in the leg by one of the kids. Unfazed, he puts on his official greeter face and says "Good morning, Ma'am, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say "Hell no, they aint twins. The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7".
The woman actually pauses for a moment. "Hey, why would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?"
"No" replies the greeter "it was just beyond my imagination to think you could actually have gotten fucked more than once!"
Well dudes I'm outta here. Hopefully the time you've spent smashing into this update was well spent. If not see you next week for another crack at it, right?
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. They're amazing. Imagine bacon without the calories.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Hopefully but don't hold me to it. Some, not many, things are out of my control.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will attack you for your political beliefs... despite having never shared or discussed them with him in any meaningful way.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and pitter patter. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2020.06.11-19.56
Welcome to don't make me kick you in the baby, bitch.
To say this update making it to reality is a miracle would actually be underselling it. THAT'S RIGHT, PEOPLE - A FUCKING MIRACLE IS UNDERSELLING IT! That's the level of epicness this update is at!! I don't think I've even left the house all week but shit still managed to go massively off the rails; especially yesterday, through no doing of my own. Once upon a time, long, long ago, I lived all by myself in a little old house. Had complete control over my life and could insulate from distractions and interruptions. Not so much anymore. Was I happier? Probably not. But life was easier. In other news, looking forward to some downtime. There was, at one point, grand plans to crack into the bigger DIY projects I'd started [then backed away from] during the COVID lockdown... except I think a better idea might be to have a rest. Haven't set down an exact date yet and updates should continue more or less as normal... unless they don't... so please control your pissiness if I'm a day late or there isn't one for a week. Check it...
I was feeling depressed and unhappy at work this morning. To relieve the blues I poured a large bottle of industrial bleach over the Muslim Somali who works in the mail room. That certainly lightened Mahmood.
--
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food. She goes Tuesday's, I go Friday's.
--
After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, Joe was hired by a warehouse. One day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold 10 percent of Joe's wages to pay for the repairs. "How much will it cost?" asked my Joe. "About $5,500" said the owner. "What a relief!" exclaimed Joe. "I've finally got job security!"
--
During Antiques Roadshow today, I looked at the 19th century mahogany chest of drawers in the corner of my living room and thought: "Maybe that's where the fucking remote is".
--
A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen "I want that TV". The salesperson shook his head and said "No, we don't sell to blondes". So, the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said "I'll take that TV". Again, the salesman said "No, we don't sell to blondes". So she left again and came back with her hair dyed black and said "I want that TV". But the salesman still said "No, we don't sell to blondes". Finally, the blonde got fed up and said "That's it! How'd you know I was a blonde?!" she asked. The salesman answered "Cause that's a microwave".
--
A rather reticent young girl was asked how she got on with her new boyfriend. "Let's just say my legs are my best friends" she replied mysteriously. "Oh come on" said her mate. "What does that mean?" "It means he came on too strong so I walked home". A few weeks later the two friends were talking and the girl's mate asked her how her new date went on the previous night. "Pretty much as before" she replied. "My legs are my best friends". Time went by and on the third time they met up, the girl looked radiantly happy. "You're looking well" commented her mate. "Something's doing you good". "Oh yes" replied the girl. "I've met this wonderful bloke and let's just say even the best of friends must part".
--
The wife said "I'm going to bed, are you coming?" "No, but I will shortly" I replied as I switched on the computer.
--
At a medical conference recently, delegates were deliberating on what name to give to a major breakthrough in sex-change procedures. A fast, new procedure which can instantly change a woman into a man was unveiled. They sat for hours trying to think out a name. "We have hysterectomies, vaginoplasties, penectomies, mastectomies, and so on and so forth. What on earth do we call this new operation?" Until one young doctor jumped up and said excitedly "How about we call it the strapacocktome?"
--
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering" whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes" she purrs. "I am". The man replies "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger".
--
Two hunters are out in the woods. One of them gets his penis bitten by a poisonous snake. The first hunter tries to call for help, but he has no service so he climbs up a high tree while his friend waits for him in agony at the bottom. Almost at the top, he finally gets a signal on his phone and calls for help. He explains to the operator what happened and redirects him to a medic so he can tell him what to do. The medic explains that he has to suck the venom out of the bitten area. The first hunter climbs down from the tree with a sad face. The bitten hunter asks him, while in pain "What did the doctor say?" Then the first hunter replied "He said you are going to die!"
Wife: "Can you give the kids a talk on drugs?" Husband: "Okay... but I talk a lot of shit when I'm high"
--
"You are up before this court for the hideous crime of making love to your wife after she had died. Do you have anything to say in your defence?" "Yes, your honour. I didn't know she was dead; she'd been like that during sex for years".
--
Two men were washed ashore during World War I. Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast of an uninhabited island. As the older veteran worked to build a makeshift camp, the younger soldier managed to salvage a radio, and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates. To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, confirming that it could arrive at their position in approximately two weeks. The old vet sighed and shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship and trying to repair it. The young soldier scoffed. "You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?" The older man shrugged. "It's better than a fortnight".
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his throat to the crowd of drinkers.
He says "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back".
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
Sarah, a recently widowed Jewish lady, had decided it was time to stop mourning, pack her bags and get on with her life. She had just begun to settle in at her new retirement home. She hadn't found anyone just yet that she 'connected with' and was feeling kinda blue.
One morning she was going nuts watching all the 'old people' sitting around and playing bingo. Finally, she couldn't take it any more so she grabbed a beach towel and walked four blocks to the nearby beach. She rented a beach chair and an umbrella. She found a pleasant spot and began to read her racy bodice-ripper novel about the ship's captain and the sultry slave girl he had rescued from the pirates. Sarah enjoyed reading a particularly well-written love scene.
When the chapter ended, she looked up and noticed that a man about her age had placed his blanket on the sand nearby and was also reading a book. By chance there was absolutely no one else around.
Smiling, Sarah attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, how are you?" "Fine, thank you" he responded as he looked up from his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away last year" he replied.
To her disappointment, his eyes again turned back to his book.
Undaunted she decided to continue. "Do you live around here?" she asked. "Yes, I live over in Suntree Village" he answered, and then resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?" With that, the man threw his book down, walked over, pulled Sarah onto his blanket, tore off her swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man replied "How did you know my name was Katz?"
A woman was walking down the street. Without warning, she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her purse, extracted ten dollars and asked "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago" the homeless woman replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked. "No, I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive".
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well" said the woman "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight".
The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting".
The woman replied "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine".
A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence.
"Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked. "I reckon so" replied the farmer.
The puddle immediately swallowed the car as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface.
As his head broke the surface the man said to the farmer "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!"
"Well, shoot!" said the farmer, scratching his head. "It only come up chest-high on my ducks!"
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A Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race on the St. Lawrence River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The North Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.
A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the North American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.
So, North American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganised to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.
It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program" with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices, and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the North American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and cancelled all capital investments in new equipment.
The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India.
Pancho is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle laying in the street.
Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. Pancho is stunned.
The Genie says "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want".
Pancho begins thinking "Well, I really like drinking tequila". Finally, he says "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me piss tequila".
The Genie grants him his wish.
When he gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like tequila. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like tequila. So, he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.
Pancho yells to his wife "Consuela! Consuela! Come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and he takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink because it is tequila. Consuela is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.
The next night Pancho comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the tequila is excellent and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.
Finally, Friday night comes and Pancho comes home and tells his wife "Consuela, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink tequila". His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. Pancho begins to piss in the glass.
When he fills it, his wife asks him "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?" Pancho raised the glass and says "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle!"
The old man ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them".
As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything".
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
A young couple was touring southern Florida on their honeymoon and stopped at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road.
After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
"Wow!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job. Do you ever get bitten?" "Yes, upon rare occasions" answered the handler.
"Well" she continued "just what do you do when you're bitten by a snake?" "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound".
"What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on a rattler?" persisted the woman. "Ma'am" answered the snake handler "that will be the day I learn who my real friends are".
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Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house.
Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising.
Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. "No, thank you" Mrs. Watkins replied "The Lord will provide".
The men shrugged and rowed on.
By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. "Don't trouble yourself" she told him "The Lord will provide".
Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney.
When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting "The Lord will provide".
So the boat left, the water rose and the old woman drowned.
Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God.
"What happened?" she cried. "For cryin' out loud, lady" God said "I sent three boats!"
A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers.
Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying *THUMP* and then swerve back onto the road.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road" replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck".
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud *THUD*.
Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer". "That's okay" replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
As part of their ministry, the church decided to run a daily soup kitchen. Not surprisingly, the free food was very popular with the homeless people in the area. However, this gift did come with a small catch - first you had to listen to a sermon.
Every day the rows of pews would be filled with derelicts, bums, and plenty of people down on their luck. One afternoon, the minister decided it was time again to lecture on the evils of alcohol.
In order to get their attention, the minister began the service by putting up two glasses. One he filled with water. The other he filled with gin.
Then he pulled out a worm and dropped it in the water. The worm swam happily around in the glass of water until the minister pulled it back out. As the worm wriggled in his fingers, the minister proclaimed with certainty that the worm loved the water and that the water was safe for the worm.
Then the minister dropped the worm in the gin. Almost instantly the worm died and its ravaged body began to disappear in the toxic element.
The minister let out a satisfied cry of delight "Do you see what evils this alcohol has done!? What does this experiment prove?"
An old drunk in the back of the room spoke up "Reverend, it proves if you drink alcohol, you'll never get worms! Can we eat now?"
Well folks that's Orsm for this week. It was pretty close to all I got too. Hopefully it was worth your time. If not, maybe you're just fucking impossible to please..? Hrmpf.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there; or, if I'm being honest, does from time to time.
-Check out the archives. They're amazing [in the good way. Not the "How could something possibly be so dumb?" kind of way].
-Next update will be next Thursday. ??
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will send you a video of the face he pulls whilst ejaculating.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and no more 9 months!! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2020.06.04-21.51
Welcome to not feeling like a piece of shit just even though you're a piece of shit.
There's been a lot of WTF for America this week. Pretty easy for the rest of us to sit back and judge but if you stop and think about it, we should probably be thanking them. Why? Because after what feels like has been an eternity, we're FINALLY talking about something that isn't COVID-19. Sure, the cost was high, people died, shit got wrecked, burned, looted but I think ultimately, we're all better off. So... thanks America!
My week has seen nearly as much carnage although on a slightly smaller scale. We had a family birthday which entailed a large number of terrorists kids destroying the house. Monday was a public holiday but with everyone home, the cleaning lady doing her thing plus friends popping socially all afternoon, I got two-fifths of fuck-all done. Oh yeah, I managed to slice a chunk off a finger doing my meal prep for the week too. So much blood + bled for days. Lesson = knives can be too sharp. Tuesday and Wednesday were a blur. Sat down this morning INSANELY behind schedule and ready to get cracking. And then suddenly... BANG! I looked out the window to see a smashed-up car, smoke and debris everywhere. Legged it outside to help passengers get clear. Apparently, there was a spider in the car which distracted the driver which caused the accident. I'm not entirely convinced but thankfully everyone lived.
Okay I think we're all up to date so let's update. It was a hard slog choosing what to put in and leave out of this one. Ended up with far more videos processed and ready than you guys will see below. Obviously that's a complete waste of time but also the pprocess I use to make sure only the best stuff gets posted. Anyway, as I was saying, the jokes, pics, RS - all of it awesome... or is it orsm... I'm never sure. Check it...
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbour pays him a visit and says "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean 'strange'?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbours buys a gun".
--
A father had promised his two young sons he would take them on a fishing trip. The boys were digging for fishing bait in their parents' garden. Uncovering a many legged creature, one of the boys proudly dangled it before his Father. "No, son, he won't do for bait" his Father said. "He's not an earthworm". "He's not?" the boy asked, his eyes wide. "What planet is he from?"
--
When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at 'Mum' and pushed send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened. "Don't worry" she said "I'll take care of it". A few minutes later, the cell phone beeped. It was a text message from 'Mum'. "Martin" it read "you left your cell phone at the convenience store".
--
Doctor: "I'm afraid I have some good news and some bad news, Miss Hottwot". Miss Hottwot said "Well, give me the good news first, Doc". Doctor, speaking rather sombrely, said "Your lab tests came back today, and your crabs are all gone". Miss Hottwot smiled, and said "Gee, that's great! But what's the bad news?" Doctor: "We don't know what killed them".
--
An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively. "I would like it infrequently" she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a mument, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered "Is that one word or two?"
--
Little Johnny comes running into the house and asks "Mummy, can little girls have babies?" "No" says his mum "of course not". Little Johnny runs back outside yelling to his friends "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
--
Two cowboys talking about sex. One cowboy says "I like the rodeo position!" "I haven't heard of that" says the other cowboy "what is it?" "Well get your girlfriend down on all fours and mount her from behind. Then reach round and cup both of her breasts and whisper "these feel just like your sisters" and try and hold on for 8 seconds!"
--
A girl realised that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mum about that hair. Her mum calmly said "That part where the hair has grown is called monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair". The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister "My monkey has grown hair". Her sister smiled and said: "That's nothing, mine is already eating bananas".
--
A concerned mother warns her little boy "Don't look at naked women or you'll turn to stone". Johnny loved his mother, and as such decided not to look at naked women. But one day Johnny and his friend were walking along a beach, and saw a woman sunbathing naked. Johnny remembered what his mother said, and turned and ran away from the woman. His friend finally catches up to him and asks why he ran? Johnny told his friend what his mother said, and then added "and it must be true, because when I saw that woman I felt myself going rock hard in my trousers".
--
She yells "No, I won't sleep with you tonight, you pig!" Everyone in the bar stops and stares. Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles and says "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations". To which the guy responds as loudly as possible "WHAT DO YOU MEAN $200 FOR A BJ?"
My girlfriend left me because of my awful Arnold Schwarzenegger impression. But don't worry... I'll return.
--
Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public. So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice "What's the trouble?" "I went out this morning" she began "and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. I'll have you know, my husband was in all morning! He never heard a thing!" After apologising, I got her parcel. "Oh good!" she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages!" "What is it?" I asked. "My husband's new hearing aid".
--
Three men went Las Vegas and after a losing their money at the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters. So the first man went up to their father and said "Can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said "No but you can sleep with the pigs". The second man went to the father and said "Can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said "No but you can sleep with the cows". The third man said "Can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said "Yes". So in the morning the three men and the father had a conversation over breakfast the first man said "I slept like a pig". The second man said "I slept like a cow" The third man said "I felt like a golfer" The father asked "Why?" he said "'cause I got my balls in 18 holes!"
The first one asks "Did your hear the news - Mike Reid is dead?!!" "Woah, what the hell happened to him?"
"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and *BOOM* he hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof! Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window".
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No no, he survived that; that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones".
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"
"No no, that didn't kill him; he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid-air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him".
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No no, that didn't kill him; he even survived that. So, he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water *WHOOSH* the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him".
"Man, what a way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him".
"Now that is one awful way to go!"
"No no, he survived that..."
"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"
"I shot him!"
"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"
"He was wrecking my house".
DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT NOT CHECKING OUT THESE PREGNANT BODIES
In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water. This continues through several more attempts.
Pretty soon, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes all try to prevent it. Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.
After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes, which have been sprayed with cold water, have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? Because that's the way they've always done it and that's the way it's always been around here.
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
A young fellow became marooned on a deserted South Pacific island after his cruise ship sank. For several years, he managed to live on fruits and vegetables he found on the island, together with shellfish and an occasional fish he was able to catch.
Then, one day as he was sitting on the beach, he saw an object approaching the island. As it got closer, he could see that it was a woman astride a barrel. When she finally managed to paddle the barrel ashore, he ran over to greet her, and noticed that she was a beautiful girl.
"Wow" he exclaimed "I'm sure glad to see you!"
Noticing that his clothes were gone and he had quite a beard, she asked "My goodness, how long have you been here by yourself?" "Almost four years, I think" he replied.
She said "Well, I'm going to give you something you haven't had in a long time, and I'm sure you have missed". "Well, hot damn!" he exclaimed "Have you got beer in that barrel?"
THERE'S A RIGHT WAY AND A WRONG WAY TO GO BOATING... HERE'S 36 TIMES IT GOT DONE RIGHT!
Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.
He called the royal weather forecaster and enquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So, the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.
Upon seeing the king the farmer said "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
The king was polite and considerate, he replied "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way".
So, he continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!
Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain".
So the king hired the donkey.
And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
A couple were roaring down the road on a Honda motorcycle when the guy pulled over because his leather jacket had a broken zip.
He told his girlfriend "I can't keep driving any more, the air hitting me in the chest is unbearable".
His girlfriend said "Try putting your jacket on back to front".
The boyfriend quickly made the change and they continued roaring down the road until the next bend! The boyfriend was going far too fast, lost control and the couple were both flung into a ditch.
A passing motorist stopped, rushed over to help, then ran to call the police.
The police telephone operator asked "Are they showing any signs of life?"
"Well" the motorist explained "the girl seems okay and her boyfriend was moving until I turned his head around the right way!"
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.
Now one evening there was a community supper in the big activity centre. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her "Will you marry me?"
After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of careful consideration she answered "Yes. Yes, I will".
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled "Did she say 'Yes' or did she say 'No'?"
He couldn't t remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart".
Then she continued "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A warden of a boy's hostel was talking to a friend in a bar.
After a while their conversation got around to hostel life and the warden said to his friend "You know, everything is fine with hostel life and the boys, except one thing. Initially, for a month or so they are alright and very active with sports and dramas and such things. But after a while they become restless and the clowns whack off anywhere, anytime, on the wall, on the floor, on the bed. It's a messy thing. Don't see a solution".
The warden's friend thought for a while and said: "I have an idea. You buy a small barrel. Tell the boys to use the drum and fill it up. Promise them a night out alternatively in the group of fours with movie tickets every night. That should do the trick".
Warden: "Hey, that's a great idea. But that will set me back for a few bucks every night for those movie tickets".
Friend: "The idea is to sell the barrel to the wax factory on the other side of the town. You should recover the expense of movies and your place will remain clean".
The warden liked the idea. The boys liked the idea.
At the end of the week the warden sold the barrel to the wax factory and made a tidy sum.
The boys continued their 'night out' in alternate groups of four. Everything was fine for a while.
Then one day police came to the boy's hostel looking for the warden and arrest him. The warden was aghast: "What on earth have I done?" Police: "You S.O.B! You ask what you have done? You sold all that wax to the candle factory". Warden: "Yes, but that's not a crime, is it?" Police: "Yes, it is. The factory-made candles out of your wax, sold the candles to the girl's hostel and most of the girls there are pregnant, including their warden".
Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the outback.
After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over to administer a breathalyser test.
To his amazement, the breathalyser indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken".
"I doubt it" said the man proudly "Tonight I'm the designated decoy!"
A young salesman and his boss board a train headed home from a day visiting clients in a neighbouring city. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.
After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young salesman are interested in each other because they keep exchanging glances.
Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a *SLAP*.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.
The grandmother is thinking to herself "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him".
The boss is sitting there thinking "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped me!"
The young woman was sitting and thinking "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"
The young salesman sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap your boss all at the same time!"
Well I'll say one thing - when shit goes full or even partial retard, good things happen. This update actually turned out so excellently that it may well have crossed over into excellentlynessism.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. Greatness is just where they get started.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Most likely anyway.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will post GIF's that are in no way relevant in the comments ofeverything you post on social media.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't drive angry. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
![[protestusa] On Behalf Of Everyone - BWAHAHAHA!!!](/thumbs/[protestusa]-on-behalf-of-everyone-bwahahaha.jpg)
![[protestusa] Defend The Police?](/thumbs/[protestusa]-defend-the-police.jpg)
![[protestusa] Shithead Inciting Destruction](/thumbs/[protestusa]-shithead-inciting-destruction.jpg)
![[protestusa] Police Dogs Love Eating Idiots](/thumbs/[protestusa]-police-dogs-love-eating-idiots.jpg)
![[protestusa] Buzz Off You Lot!](/thumbs/[protestusa]-buzz-off-you-lot.jpg)
![[protestusa] They're Actually Looting A Moving Train](/thumbs/[protestusa]-theyre-actually-looting-a-moving-train.jpg)
![[protestusa] You're Not Burning Down Our City!](/thumbs/[protestusa]-you-think-youre-making-a-difference.jpg)
![[protestusa] We're On Your Side!!!!!!](/thumbs/[protestusa]-were-on-your-side.jpg)
![[protestusa] A Swedish Man Apologises](/thumbs/[protestusa]-a-swedish-man-apologises.jpg)
![[protestusa] Apologise For Your Privilege!](/thumbs/[protestusa]-apologise-for-your-privilege.jpg)
![[protestusa] Say It Or I'll Make You Say It!](/thumbs/[protestusa]-say-it-or-ill-make-you-say-it.jpg)
![[protestusa] This Looting Has To Stop](/thumbs/[protestusa]-this-looting-has-to-stop.jpg)
![[protestusa] Protester Helps Himself To A New Car](/thumbs/[protestusa]-protester-helps-himself-to-a-new-car.jpg)
![[protestusa] Bike Cops Need More Training](/thumbs/[protestusa]-bike-cops-need-more-training.jpg)
![[protestusa] Whitey Is In Some Trouble Now](/thumbs/[protestusa]-whitey-is-in-some-trouble-now.jpg)
![[protestusa] Not All Protesters Are Smart](/thumbs/[protestusa]-not-all-protesters-are-smart.jpg)
![[protestusa] Protecting His Shit Fair Enough](/thumbs/[protestusa]-protecting-his-shit-fair-enough.jpg)
![[protestusa] Animals Beat A Guy Defending A Woman](/thumbs/[protestusa]-animals-beat-a-guy-defending-a-woman.jpg)
![[protestusa] Get Your Phone TF Outta Here](/thumbs/[protestusa]-get-your-phone-tf-outta-here.jpg)
![[protestusa] You Think You're Making A Difference??](/thumbs/[protestusa]-youre-not-burning-down-our-city.jpg)
![[protestusa] Fuck You Comment Was Perhaps Mistimed](/thumbs/[protestusa]-fuck-you-comment-was-perhaps-mistimed.jpg)
![[protestusa] Batman Is Here](/thumbs/[protestusa]-the-dark-knight-arrives.jpg)
![[protestusa] Idiot Handed Over By Fellow Protesters](/thumbs/[protestusa]-idiot-handed-over-by-fellow-protesters.jpg)
![[protestusa] Dumbarses Arrest A Black FBI Agent](/thumbs/[protestusa]-dumbarses-arrest-a-black-fbi-agent.jpg)
![[protestusa] Looters Run Like Little Bitches](/thumbs/[protestusa]-looters-run-like-little-bitches.jpg)
![[protestusa] Look At These Absolute Pieces Of Shit Looting](/thumbs/[protestusa]-look-at-these-absolute-pieces-of-shit-looting.jpg)
![[protestusa] Stabby Disabled Woman Tries To Stop Looters](/thumbs/[protestusa]-stabby-disabled-woman-tries-to-stop-looters.jpg)
![[protestusa] Police Cars In The Aftermath Wow](/thumbs/[protestusa]-police-cars-in-the-aftermath-wow.jpg)
![[protestusa] That's How The Cops Roll Tho...](/thumbs/[protestusa]-thats-how-the-cops-roll-tho.jpg)
![[protestusa] Jerks Trash A Merc Dealership](/thumbs/[protestusa]-jerks-trash-a-merc-dealership.jpg)
![[protestusa] Cops Not Feeling The Love Right Now](/thumbs/[protestusa]-cops-not-feeling-the-love-right-now.jpg)
![[protestusa] Truly Risking His Own Life](/thumbs/[protestusa]-truly-risking-his-own-life.jpg)
