Welcome to people who say something is only worth what someone is willing to pay.
Challenging week. Pretty sure I apologised last update for the server shitting itself - well here's another one - sorry for the server shitting itself several times since then. Seems like all I do anymore is put in support tickets trying to run the issue down. What we now know is (502 bad gateway errors and slowness) its apparently due to an old version of some software. And I say apparently because the test is the next 24 hours after this update drops - peak time. If shit slows to a crawl or doesn't work then its back to the drawing board; update more stuff and rewrite more code OR bite the bullet and upgrade the main Orsm server to something with more horsepower. If you experience any probs then please drop me an abusive email here and if necessary contact Lifeline on 13 11 14.
What I've found amusing about this is I'm in one of those periods where everything is breaking, batteries need replacing, knives require sharpening. No big deal, no one died but noticeable because far more than usual.
Aaaaaaand other things that are unrelated in many ways.
Alright let's do the update. Despite the interruptions this one has turned out better than anyone could ever have wanted, expected or asked for. It's one that they'll sing folk songs about. Check it (nervously)...
A woman walked up to an elderly man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look" she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day" he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise". "That's amazing" the woman said. "How old are you?" "Thirty-six".
--
A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and she agreed. He asked her if she knew his company, Avon-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was "Yes". Asked how she used it, she said "To assist sexual intercourse". The interviewer was amazed. He said "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?" "Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out".
--
A man went to his lawyer and told him "My neighbour owes me $500 and he won't pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer. "Nope" replied the man. "Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1,000 he owes you" said the lawyer. "But it's only $500" replied the man. "Precisely. That's what he will reply and then you'll have your proof!"
--
This 60-year-old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her awhile then says "You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?" She says "I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old". She starts laughing and jumping again. He says "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 60-year-old ass?" She says "Well, your name never came up".
--
On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe". The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished". "Oh, oh, aaaahhh" he exclaims "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks "My picture?" He answers "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever". She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now". At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims "OH, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers "So I can get it enlarged!"
--
"Mum, I need to ask you for something?" "Sure! What about?" replied mother. "Well, I'm already fourteen and... I think it's just proper that I should own one". "Own 'one' what?" mother asked suspiciously. "Could you buy me a push up bra?" "No". "But my nipples are already prominent and it catches attention". "Nope". "I think it would be just proper at my age..." "I said no way...!" "But all of my friends wear!" "Johnny! How many times must I tell you that bras are for girls?"
--
I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home. I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.
--
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raises his hand and says "He's in Heaven". Mary answers "He's in my heart". Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out "He's in our bathroom!" The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this. Well" Little Johnny says "Every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"
A woman was on trial for beating her Husband to death with his guitar collection. The Judge says "First Offender?" She replies "No first a Gibson, then a Fender".
--
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: "You don't want to try these techniques at home". "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years" the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked. "Actually, yes" replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven".
--
I was having a beer in the pub with Paddy when my brother and his boss came in for a quick one. I said "You two shouldn't be drinking on the job... isn't that dangerous?" Paddy asked "Why, what do they do?" I said "They're tree surgeons". Paddy said fuck all for a while and then, confused, asked "but there's only two of them?"
--
I'm not that happy about it, but I have a new job where I greet people and have to say very cheerfully "Welcome to PC world!" It's at the airport welcoming new immigrants into this country.
A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated.
Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army.
Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance.
One day the General was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff.
The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter pilot, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The young officer answered "Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears".
The general was displeased with his lack of tact and dismissed him.
The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was even better.
The General then asked him the same question "Do you notice anything different about me?" He replied sheepishly "Well, sir, you have no ears..."
The General dismissed him also.
The third interview was with an old Sergeant Major, an Infantryman and staff-trained NCO. He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp, and seemed to know more than the two officers combined.
The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the Sergeant Major said "Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses".
The General was very impressed and thought "What an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears".
He asked "Sergeant Major, how do you know I wear contacts?" "Well, sir" the soldier replied "it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no bloody ears!"
WHY I AM 100% OKAY WITH PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION. HERE'S WHY:
You're not going to believe what just happened - I pulled up to the BP servo. Noticed two police officers watching a woman who was smoking whilst fuelling up. Thought "This Lady is batshit crazy, and with the cops right there too".
Anyway, went inside to pay and all off a sudden we heard someone screaming. Looked out to see the woman's arm was on fire! She was swinging her arm and running around and totally freaking out!
The cops threw her to the ground trying to put the fire out with their coffees!! (Coffee, really!?)
They managed to douse her arm, handcuffed her and threw her in the police car.
Stunned, I'm thinking "Well that chick wasn't too smart, what kind of a person smokes near a petrol pump? One of the cops started singing the song "This girl is on fire". It was honestly pretty funny!
So being the big mouth person you all know me to be, I asked the officers what they were arresting her for. One of the officers looked me square in the eyes and said are you serious she was "WAVING A FIREARM!"
LADIES, HERE'S HOW TO MAKE ANY GUYS DAY WITH ONE SIMPLE TRICK...
Woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note saying:
"I've had enough and left you, don't bother coming after me"
After writing this she hid under the bed to wait and watch his reaction.
After a short while the husband comes home. She could hear him in the kitchen before he came into the bedroom. Then she could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and making a call:
"She's finally gone... yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to pick you up, put on the sexy French shit, I love you".
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote:
"I can see your feet you retard. We're outta bread, I'm off to the shops. Put the kettle on, back in 5 minutes".
John, a university student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't running.
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with fear, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying... and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other "Look... there's that fucking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!"
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A man gets caught cheating on a woman and they are having a heated argument while driving to her mother's house.
The woman gets so mad that she reaches over and cuts the man's dick off and throws it out the window.
The detached phallus hurls through the air and lands on the windshield of a car behind them, sliding off to the side of the windshield and leaving a red smear to the edge.
The car is driven by a dad with his 9-year-old daughter in the passenger seat.
The father, not wanting to expose his daughter to the horror of this reality, looks over at her with wide eyes and says "Wow! did you see the size of that bug!"
The daughter looks over at her dad with wide surprised eyes, and replies "That was a bug?" "It sure was" says the dad.
The daughter thinks about this for a while and says to her dad "Well, it sure had a big dick!"
A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn't get a clear picture of the problems. Finally he asked "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once".
"And how did she look?"
"Oh boy, she looked very angry!"
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere. "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends".
THE BEST THING ABOUT CHUBBIES IS... THAT THEY'RE CHUBBY.
A woman in a hot-air balloon realised she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am".
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
"She rolled her eyes and said "You must be a Republican".
"I am" replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well" answered the balloonist "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me".
The man smiled and responded "You must be a Liberal ".
"I am" replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well" said the man "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Two young blonde women were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green.
Each hit their ball anyway.
When they walked to the green, they discovered one ball about three feet from the cup, while the other ball somehow had gone directly in.
The blondes tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Dunlop number threes.
Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling.
After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions the pro asked "Okay, so who was playing the yellow ball?"
There is a maths teacher, science teacher, and a daughter of a Mexican girl.
All three of them are killed in a terrible car accident and soon arrive in Hell.
So, the devil tells them "I'll let you'll ask me a question and if I get it wrong you can go to Heaven.
But if I get it right, you stay here in Hell with me".
Then he asks the maths teacher to give him a hard question. The maths teacher reels off an incredibly complex equation he's sure is unsolvable. But the Devil smirks, gives the correct answer and he tells the maths teacher he has to stay in Hell and experience torture for thousands of years.
Next he asks the science teacher for a question. The science teacher does spews out something so complex even he doesn't know the answer. But sure enough, the Devil gets it right and tells the science teacher to make himself comfortable in Hell for the next few thousand years.
Finally, he asks the Mexican Girl. The Mexican girl pulls up a chair, drills three hole in it, sits down and farts. She asks the Devil "What hole did it come out of?" The Devil tells her the second hole. She tells him "NO!! You dumbarse. It came out of my BUTTHOLE..!!"
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. Well it did LAST week. Been a bit quieter THIS week. Someone should probably do something about that.......
-Check out the archives. Truly sick but not in the eat your own shit kind of way.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Fingers crossed!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will not stop bombarding your inbox with memes and pictures you've seen before....................
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and fix your server. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2019.06.20-20.48
Welcome to people who still remember when you could leave the house without locking doors or closing windows.
And just like that here we are. Not really sure how the week has flown by quite so swiftly. Blink, it was last Thursday and I'm up late back and forth with the tech guys trying to work out WTF is up with the Orsm video server. No one can pinpoint a technical issue which suggests a traffic issue. In other words, you, and many other perverts just like you, are slamming it. Hard. Like a fridge door. This is where I say if you notice videos taking significantly longer to load can you please feed my back with an email. May just be time for an upgrade to something with a little more oomph.
Allllllrighty then. Let's get busy with the update. I usually write something about how bloody good it is but maybe today I just don't have to? Maybe I don't say that this update has something for everyone, that there are soooo many excellent videos, killer new galleries, epic Shite and hilarious jokes? Nope. Think I'll just shut my mouth and say: check it...
I walked in the pub with my missus and the barman said "Punching above your weight aren't you, pal? Where did you find her?" "Thailand. We're getting married". "You don't want to get married, that's when the blowjobs stop". "I don't mind that; I hate giving her them anyway!"
--
Just nearly talked myself out of a speeding ticket by telling the police woman she looked bloody stunning. Then I fucked up by saying "and that's not the drink talking either".
--
A guy comes home one evening to find his wife in the bedroom packing a suitcase. "Where are you going?" he asks. She replies "I'm moving to New York. I heard there's women there getting paid $400 a time for what I do for you for free". He pulls out his suitcase and begins to throw his stuff in. "Where are you going?" she asks. "I'm coming with you" he says "I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!"
--
People walked out of the Spice Girls concert last night because of dreadful sound problems. A sound engineer has been sacked for causing the issues. He left the mic's on.
--
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail, but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.
--
I had the map of Italy tattooed on my chest. I've got really sore Naples.
--
Bob finishes off his lunch in the restaurant and goes to get his coat, but is unable to find it. "Waiter?" he says. "Did you by any chance see someone stealing my coat?" "Yes" says the waiter "I did". "Well?" says Bob "Out with it! What did he look like?" The waiter shrugs his shoulders and says "Absolutely ridiculous. It was tight across the back and the sleeves were much too short for him".
--
Our amateur dramatic society has cancelled its latest production because of a mystery electrical failure. We are powerless to act.
--
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door she screamed "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh" I replied "so now you want me to stay!"
--
I was reading 'War and Peace' in bed last night, when my wife said "What made you want to read that?" I said "It's a long story".
--
Got a Chinese takeout last night and as I got in the car, I heard the bag rustle so I looked over and saw a pair of eyes looking out at the top of the bag at me, then disappear back inside. I was so scared I nearly shit myself. I looked again and saw the eyes looking back at me and then disappear again. I ran back into the shop with the bag and asked the Chinese man what the heck was going on, he said "You no worry. It Peking duck".
What's the hardest part of cooking naked? For me it would be trying to not trip over my own dick.
--
The man gradually came to. Stiff as a board and in pain in the hospital's ICU with tubes up his nose and down his throat, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. It was obvious he'd been in a serious incident. She gave him a deep and steady heartfelt look straight in the eyes and he heard her slowly say "You may not feel anything from the waist down". He somehow managed to mumble in reply "Can I feel your tits, then?"
--
I was down getting a prescription filled at the local chemist. Out of nowhere some guy threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me! Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil.
--
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically "What's the matter?" The blonde replies "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away". The boss, feeling sorry for her, says "Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest". "Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here". The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on her. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. "What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks. "No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!"
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am. "About 32" is the reply". "Nope! I'm exactly 50" the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies "I'd guess about 29". The woman replies with a big smile "Nope, I'm 50!"
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question. The clerk responds "Oh, I'd say 30". Again, she proudly responds "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are!"
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out "What the hell... go ahead!"
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says "Okay, okay... how old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says "Madam, you are 50". Stunned and amazed, the woman says "That was incredible, how could you tell?" "I was behind you at McDonalds".
LOVE A GOOD WATERFALL? THEN THIS GALLERY IS FOR YOU!
Maude and Claude, both 81, lived in Florida. They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.
After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.
Despite their ages, they ended up at his place for an after-dinner drink.
Things continued along a natural course and with age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts...
Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler".
Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose".
A man wakes up in Hospital in Australia bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the Highway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it".
The man groans, but the doctor goes on.
"You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch".
The man perks up.
"So" the doctor says "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five-incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine-incher before and you decide to only invest in a five-incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision".
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day "So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes I have" says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor. "We're getting granite kitchen bench tops".
An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home. All the Arab facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian home.
After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asked the grandson. "It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful" said grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you since you are a little different from everyone". "Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents" Abdullah said with a big smile.
"There's a musician here. He's 85-years-old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'! There is a judge in here. He's 95-year-old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honour'. There's a dentist here. 90-years-old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doc'!"
"And me? I haven't had sex for 35 years, and they still call me 'The fucking Arab'".
A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hotshot solicitor was questioning Paddy.
"Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident 'I'm fine?'" asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da..."
"I didn't ask for any details" the solicitor interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident 'I'm fine!?'"
Paddy said "Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road..."
The solicitor interrupted again and said "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question".
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie".
Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.
"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move".
"However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans".
"Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes!"
"Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said "How are you feelin'?" "Now wot da fock would you say?"
36 OF THE MOST RIDICULOUSLY HOT BODIES ANYWHERE ON THE INTERNET TODAY
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In a church Sunday morning a preacher said "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front of the altar".
With that, Leroy got in line and when it was his turn the Preacher asked "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Leroy replied "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing".
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked "Leroy how is your hearing now?"
Leroy answered "I don't know, Rev. It ain't 'til Thursday".
LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO SNEAK A PEEK WHEN THE OPPORTUNITY PRESENTS 😍
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes" the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" the cop asked.
"Yes, I believe it did. How did you know?" the golfer asked.
"Well" said the policeman very seriously "Your ball flew out onto the motorway and crashed through a driver's windscreen. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars, an Ambulance and a fire engine. The fire engine couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down and we believe all the occupants have perished in that fire. So, may I ask what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb".
Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I've got a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text, and I can't live with myself a minute longer without your knowing about this.
The truth is that, when you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night. In fact, probably much more than you.
I haven't been getting it at home recently, and I know that that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt and hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me.
Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
Regards, Richard.
Fred, feeling very angry and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and shot Richard, killing him. He went back home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa and calmed down. Fred then looked at his phone and discovered a 2nd text message from Richard.
SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi, Fred. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text.
I expect you figured it out and noticed that the darned auto-correct had changed "wi-fi" to "wife".
A Kungfu student asks "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated".
And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have".
"And a waterfall, spilling mightily over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it".
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvellous phenomenon".
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training".
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. I tell people viewing it to come to Orsm.net. Go figure.
-Check out the archives. Great things happened there.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Honestly - do I ever let you guys down?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will frequently bait you by disguising his racism behind untrue facts.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stay warm dammit. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2019.06.13-20.31
Welcome to N for Nelly please, Burgo.
One thing that fucks me off these days is the negative comments people post. It's everywhere from social media to product and restaurant reviews to this website - negativity is universal. I'm definitely guilty of having espoused my fair share of hate over the years but at some point I realised it wasn't what I wanted to be about. Don't get me wrong, if someone is a big enough idiot, says something I strongly object to, or just outright deserves it, I'll absolutely let them know. But generally, much rather leave a comment saying something positive or just scroll on. BUT... what I never realised is that negative jerks out there have a counter - people who leave overwhelmingly positive comments and its too fucking much. I first noticed it on Humans Of New York FB page. Like the other 18M or so followers on there, I enjoy reading strangers life stories but holy shit tread into the comments section and it's like a big competition to see who can say the loveliest thing. "You are honorable and beautiful I am glad to see your hard work has brought blessings to your and your mothers lives!" and "WHAT AN AMAZING STORY of you winning! How awesome to come home to the fruits of your hard labor!!! Way to go. You have been SO BRAVE and SO SELFLESS!!" and of course "Oh my heart is full. It's amazing what happens when people with drive are given the opportunity to do wonderful things" to name a few.
See! See what I mean? Ridiculous. Millions more like it. I can't be the only one who thinks people who do this are trying too hard. Straight away I'm imagining someone who sells crystals at the weekend markets. Aaaaaand breathe.
Okay lets stop the hate and push on into the update. There's not a single thing I don't love about it. Worked exceptionally hard to group things together in a pleasing way but there's more than likely an OCD component at play there. Regardless... update good = you guys happy. The end. Check it...
I recently got kicked out of the 9th Annual Conference on Gender-Fluidity and Transgender Sensitivity after using the "F-word" during a conversation with one of the presenters. No, no, not 'fuck'... 'female'.
--
A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84-year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra. The man asks "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?" The nurse explains "The hot chocolate will help him sleep". The man says "And the Viagra?" "Keeps him from falling out of bed".
--
A woman goes to her gynaecologist. He examines her and says "What a hole! What a hole!" And she says "You didn't have to say it twice!" And he says "I didn't, it was an echo".
--
My 9-year-old daughter has disappeared. She was last seen using a moisturiser cream that makes you look 10 years younger.
--
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked okay for a 61-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a 'Sportsman's Double'. "What's that?" I asked. "It's a mother and daughter threesome" she said. "No" I said, excitedly. We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her place. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs "Mum... you still awake?"
--
This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. There are two sheriff's deputies there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife. The guy says "Sure" and shows him a picture of his wife. The sheriff says "I'm very sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck". The guy says " I know, but she has a great personality, and she's an excellent cook".
--
Sandra and Arnold, a retired couple from New York City, living in Miami, are getting ready to go out to dinner. Sandra says "Arnold, darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or the Gucci?" Arnold says "Do I care?" A few minutes later Sandra says "Arnold, should I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?" Arnold says "Who cares?" A few more minutes pass and Sandra says "Arnold, love, shall I wear my five-carat pear diamond ring or my six-carat round diamond ring with the baguettes?" Arnold says "Shirley, I really don't care what you wear, but if you don't move your butt, we're going to miss the Early Bird Special at McDonalds.
--
A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment: put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
--
My wife wanted me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart". I couldn't if I tried.
--
At breakfast, the husband says to his wife: "What would you do if I won the Lotto?" "I'd take half and leave you" she says. "Great" he says. "Here's your $6. Pack your bags and FUCK OFF!"
--
A blonde was touring a farm and asked the farmer "Why doesn't that cow over there have horns?" "There are many reasons why a cow doesn't have horns" began the farmer. "Some cows are bred to be hornless. On some cows, the horns come in later. Sometimes, the horns are removed. And on some cows, the horns fall off. That particular cow doesn't have horns because it's a horse".
Spent a few hours on the wife's grave today, 1. It cheers me up and; 2. She still thinks I'm digging a pond.
--
Jack goes to his friend Mike and says "I'm sleeping with the pastor's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after the service for me?" The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, he starts talking to the pastor, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally, the pastor gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses... "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied". The pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says "You'd better hurry home quickly. My wife died a couple of years ago"
--
A guy sits at the bar with his laptop. "What's the Wi-Fi password?" Bartender "You'll need to buy a drink first. All lo.". "OK... OK, I'll have a pint of lager. How much?" "That'll be $6". "OK. Now, what's the Wi-Fi password?" "You'll need to buy a drink first. All lower case and no spaces".
--
A woman is getting lunch ready when the phone rings. "This is the middle school calling about your son Johnny. He's been caught telling unbelievable lies". "I'll say he has" the woman replies "I don't have a son".
Teacher: "Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home and what are the advantages of this new development".
At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little girls remain behind for 5 minutes.
Teacher: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning Little Johnny's' crude remarks. It is very likely that tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you all, to avoid any further problems - that if he says anything that appears rude, I would like you all to get up and leave the classroom".
Everybody agreed to this plan.
Next day. Teacher: "Is everybody ready with their assignment? Go ahead Anita".
Anita: "Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mummy doesn't have to walk so far to get bread and milk". Teacher: "Very good Anita! Yes - Suzie!"
Suzie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory. My daddy is a carpenter and this allows him to work near home". Teacher: "Excellent, thankyou, Suzie!"
At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the Teacher asks: "Johnny, tell me, what new development is being built near your home?"
Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel".
All the young ladies get up and proceed to leave.
Little Johnny says "Hey, relax girls... it hasn't opened yet!"
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"...
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes".
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it okay if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much".
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked".
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000". ;
MAN: "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options".
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janine and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $1.5M for it".
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $1.4. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go an extra $50k if it's what you really want".
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too".
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
THE BABES ARE WHY EDM WILL NEVER EVER DIE. ALSO DRUGS.
Mr David Davis is at the golf club returning his locker key when Mr Barnier, the membership secretary sees him.
"Hello Mr Davis" says Mr Barnier. "I'm sorry to hear you are no longer renewing your club membership, if you would like to come to my office we can settle your account".
"I have settled my bar bill" says Mr Davis. "Ah yes Mr Davis" says Mr Barnier "but there are other matters that need settlement".
In Mr Barnier's office Mr Davis explains that he has settled his bar bill so wonders what else he can possibly owe the Golf Club?
"Well Mr Davis" begins Mr Barnier "you did agree to buy one of our Club Jackets".
"Yes" agrees Mr Davis "I did agree to buy a jacket but I haven't received it yet". As soon as you supply the jacket, I will send you a cheque for the full amount".
"That will not be possible" explains Mr Barnier. "As you are no longer a club member you will not be entitled to buy one of our jackets!"
"But you still want me to pay for it" exclaims Mr Davis. "Yes" says Mr Barnier "That will be £500 for the jacket".
"There is also your bar bill". "But I've already settled my bar bill". says Mr Davis.
"Yes" says Mr Barnier "but as you can appreciate, we need to place our orders from the Brewery in advance to ensure our bar is properly stocked.
You regularly used to spend at least £50 a week in the bar so we have placed orders with the brewery accordingly for the coming year. You therefore owe us £2600 for the year".
"Will you still allow me to have these drinks?" asks Mr Davis. "No of course not Mr Davis". "You are no longer a club member!" says Mr Barnier.
"Next is your restaurant bill" continues Mr Barnier. "In the same manner we have to make arrangements in advance with our catering suppliers. Your average restaurant bill was in the order of £300 a month, so we'll require payment of £3600 for the next year".
"I don't suppose you'll be letting me have these meals either?" asks Mr Davis "No, of course not" says an irritated Mr Barnier "you are no longer a club member!"
"Then of course" Mr Barnier continues "there are repairs to the clubhouse roof". "Clubhouse roof!" exclaims Mr Davis "What's that got to do with me?"
"Well it still needs to be repaired and the builders are coming in next week, your share of the bill is £2000". "I see" says Mr Davis "anything else?"
"Now you mention it" says Mr Barnier "there is Fred the Barman's pension". We would like you to pay £5 a week towards Fred's pension when he retires next month".
"He's not well you know so I doubt we'll need to ask you for payment for longer than about five years, so £1300 should do it. This brings your total bill to £10,000" says Mr Barnier.
"Let me get this straight" says Mr Davis "you want me to pay £500 for a jacket you won't let me have, £2600 for beverages you won't let me drink and £3600 for food you won't let me eat, all under a roof I won't be allowed under and not served by a bloke who's going to retire next month!?"
"Yes, it's all perfectly clear and quite reasonable" says Mr Barnier. "Piss off!" says Mr Davis.
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful women who asked "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse exposing her cleavage
"I'm okay I think" I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said "Get in and I'll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head". "That's nice of you" I answered "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse" she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly".
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated "I'm sure my wife won't like this".
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of tequilas and the bandaging, I thanked her and said "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now".
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago" the homeless man replied.
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Well" said the man "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife".
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"
The man replied "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf".
Farmer John once lived on a quiet rural highway but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week.
So Farmer John called the local police station to complain "You've got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens" he said to the local police officer.
"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman. "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said:
SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the policeman and said "You've still got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster!"
So again, they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.
That really sped them up. So, Farmer John called and said "Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?" In order to get Farmer John off his back said "Sure. Put up your own sign!
The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the Officer, so he called Farmer John. "How's the problem with the speeding drivers. did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed.
The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out and take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign might be something the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down.
So, he drove out to Farmer John's house. His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.
A couple was watching a documentary about an African tribe. They learned that when each male member of this particular tribe reaches a certain age, he has a string with a weight attached to it tied around his penis. After a while the weight stretches the penis until it's 20 inches long.
Later that evening, as the man was getting out of the shower, his wife said "let's try the African string and weight technique hon"
The husband agreed, and they tied a string with a weight to his penis.
A few days later the wife asked "how is our little experiment coming along?"
The husband replied "Well, it looks like we're about halfway there"
The wife impressed and said "you mean it's already grown to 10 inches?"
A State Trooper pulled an 87-year-old woman over for speeding.
As he looked at her driver's license, he was surprised to notice that attached to it was a conceal weapon permit.
Taken aback, he couldn't help but ask "Do you have a gun in your possession?" She replied in her crackly voice "Indeed, I do. Why I have a 45 automatic in the glove box".
The trooper then asked if she had any other weapons.
She replied "I have a 9 mm Glock in the centre console".
The shocked trooper asked "Is that all the weapons you are transporting?"
The little old lady held up her purse and replied "Well, I do keep a 38 special in my purse".
Finally, the astonished trooper asked "What are you afraid of?" And the little old lady smiled and replied "Not a fucking thing!"
Paddy is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.
To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.
The blonde realises he is staring and inquires "Are you looking at my vagina?" "Yes, I'm sorry" Paddy replies and promises to avert his eyes.
"It's quite all right" replies the woman "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you".
Sure enough the vagina blows him a kiss.
Paddy, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonderful vagina can do. "I can also make it wink" says the woman.
Paddy stares in amazement as the vagina winks at him. "Come and sit next to me" suggests the woman, patting the seat.
Paddy moves over and she smiles and asks "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, Paddy replies "You're kidding! You mean it can whistle, too?"
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. I've actually been very good with it this week. *pats self on back (and penis)*
-Check out the archives. Brimming with updates like you would not believe.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Unless I die, there is a death or have a thing at the place at the time. You know.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will bog in his hand and throw it at your kids. Him and the other apes will ruin zoo's for them I promise.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and happy Thursday, cunts. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2019.06.06-22.26
Welcome to a spicy meatball.
Swear to god I've been writing today's blog in my head all week. Had/have this whole thing was to do with how negative people are online, something I that's really grown to bug me, but more recently I'd realised they have an opposite - people that write overwhelmingly positive comments on stuff. Unfortunately, time has run away from me this week what with a long weekend, visitors in town, overconsumption of grape-based liquids, not to mention the few weeks off very much catching up with me so my logic bombs will have to wait until next Thursday. Yeah yeah I hear ya - "pissweak excuses, mate" but rest assured the rest of this update is fucking stellar. Check it...
I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well-paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend". He said "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said "No, she's an optician".
--
Mary is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Soon thereafter the last child is born her husband dies. A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband. After the last child is born her second husband also dies. Within a month Mary is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately, she becomes very ill and dies. At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Mary as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says "At least, they're finally together". A man standing next to the priest asks "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Mary and her first husband, or Mary and her second husband?" The priest says "I mean her legs".
--
There was a cat by the lake and a sausage came floating by the cat put its paw in and wet its paw. Then a few minutes later a bigger sausage came floating by and the cat fell in. The moral of this story the bigger the sausage the wetter the pussy.
--
One day there were these 3 men in a bar. They all got drunk and went home. The next day, they gathered together and talked about how drunk they were. The first guy said "I was so drunk last night, I made out with the lamp". The second guy said "That's nothing, I got my DUI". The third guy said "I went home and blew chunks". The first and second guy asked the third guy what was so bad about that and the third guy said "NO! You guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog!"
--
Four nerds were sitting down in a room talking about women. One nerd says to the other "Hey, do you know what a clitoris is?" the other replied "Nope, never heard of that Pokemon"...
--
A man is having sex with a woman with the largest pussy in the world. He's on top of her when all of a sudden his legs slip inside her pussy. Then he's engulfed all the way up to his shoulders, and then he completely slides into this woman's pussy. It's very dark in there so he pulls out a flashlight and starts looking for a way out. Suddenly he trips and falls and the flashlight breaks. He panics and starts running around when he bumps into something and hears a voice say "Excuse me!" There's another man trapped inside this woman's pussy. The first man says help me find my flashlight so we can find a way out of here". And the other man says "Help me find my keys and we can drive out of here".
--
A man goes to a bar. He goes to the dance floor with three ladies. He says to them if I can guess the colour of your underwear you have to dance with me. His shoe is shiny so he stuck his foot under the 2 of 3 girls and guessed the colour of underwear's correctly. When he stuck his foot under the third girl, he asked her if she was wearing any underwear. She replied "No". He said "Thanks goodness - I thought I had a crack in my shoe".
--
A man and his wife go to the doctor's office. The man who has a hearing problem is there for a physical, the doctor tells the man he will need a urine and stool sample. The man says "Huhhhhhh!???" The doctor repeats himself "I will need a urine and stool sample" "Huhhhhhh!???" This time the man looks at his wife and asks "What did he say?" The wife answers in a loud voice "HE NEEDS TO SEE YOUR UNDERWEAR".
My wife left me last week. She just rang and said nastily "I've started seeing someone else! So don't bother asking me back!" Then I heard her scream, there were a couple of gunshots and then the line went dead. I thought "Hmmmm... he sounds American".
--
My wife accused me of ruining her birthday yesterday. "Bollocks" I said "I didn't even know it was your birthday".
--
Fred, a lifelong racist living in the western suburbs of Sydney, is in a major car crash. When he comes round three days later in hospital, the surgeon says "I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is you have had two pints of African blood and two pints of Muslim blood". Fred screams "What the hell is the good news then?" "Your penis is six inches longer and you are top of the housing list".
--
I was in the pub a few months ago when these 4 huge bastards started mouthing off. "Pretend we're the police" my mate said. I only got half way through the first verse of Roxanne before they kicked the shit out of us!
The bar was pretty quiet when a giant slab of asphalt walked in.
The slab of asphalt said to the barman "I am THE number 1 highway in all the country. No other highway is as long as I am. No other highway carries so many cars an hour. No other highway has so much produce transported on it. I am THE number ONE highway in all the country!"
The barman says "Hey, I don't want any trouble round here, I tell you what, the first beer is on the house".
As he's drinking the beer, in walks a smaller slab of asphalt.
The number one highway turns to the barman and says "Watch this" then goes up to the smaller piece of asphalt and says "I am THE number 1 highway in all the country. No other highway is as long as I am. No other highway carries so many cars an hour. No other highway has so much produce transported on it. I am THE number ONE highway in all the country!"
The smaller piece of asphalt says "Hey, I'm just a normal highway, I don't want any trouble, here, let me buy you a beer".
As they are drinking their beers, in walks a small piece of asphalt. The number 1 Interstate highway says "Hey watch this" and walks up to the small piece of asphalt and says "I am THE number 1 highway in all the country. No other highway is as long as I am. No other highway carries so many cars an hour. No other highway has so much produce transported on it. I am THE number ONE highway in all the country!"
The small piece of asphalt says "Hey, I'm just a road, I don't want any trouble, here, let me buy you a beer".
All three are sitting there having a beer when in walks, the tiniest piece of asphalt you ever did see. This thing is tiny, it can't even be two metres across.
The Number 1 Interstate Highway looks up, sees this tiny piece of asphalt, and jumps behind the bar, and cowers behind the barman.
Everyone looks at him and says "What the hell?? I thought you were 'THE number 1 highway' in all the country, with no other highway as long, no other highway carrying so many cars an hour, No other highway used to transport so much produce etc" What the hell are you doing hiding from this little piece of asphalt?
The number 1 Interstate says "Yes, yes, I am, but you don't realise, no-one messes with that guy, that guy's a cyclepath!"
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!" "I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!" he protested.
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.."he's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others; about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.
After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?" "Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" "Nope... just when it's raining".
An Indian, a Maori, a Muslim and an Australian were walking along an Australian beach
when the Maori stumbled over a bottle in the sand.
He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and a Genie appeared.
"I can only grant four wishes" the Genie said. "Since there are four of you, you may have one wish apiece!"
Pointing to the Maori, he said "Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish".
The Maori thought for a moment, then said "I wish for a fleet of ships so that I can
gather all my people and take them back to our homeland of Aotearoa".
*POOF* It was done! Thousands of ships appeared on the skyline
The Indian said "I wish for enough aircraft to take all fellow Indians back to our homeland!"
*POOF* It was done! Row after row of aircraft filled the sky.
The Muslim said "I wish for a hundred thousand camels to take all of my people away
from this horrible country infested with infidels so we can live in peace in Muslim countries and serve the Prophet Allah".
*POOF* It was done! A hundred thousand camels suddenly appeared on the beach.
Turning to the Australian, the Genie asked "And what is your wish?"
The Aussie watched as the loaded aircraft began moving toward the runway, then looked
out to sea and watched the loaded ships sailing out into the sunset, then he looked at all of the Muslims getting on top of the camels and riding off.
He said "Look mate, just give me a cold beer. It really doesn't get any better than this!"
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp enclosure, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? "Feed them to the lions" he says to himself "because lions eat anything".
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.
As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?" The lions say "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees".
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At the Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Venice and Sarasota, stands up and proclaims: "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!"
More sighs and loud applause.
Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile "If the Rabbi stays, I will give him sex".
There is total silence.
The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"
Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said "Fuck him".
33 OF THE HOTTEST ASIAN GIRLS YOU WILL SEE TODAY *GUARANTEED*
On his first day at the Nudist Colony Sid takes off his clothes, and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and Sid immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says "Did you call for me?" Sid replies "No, what do you mean?" She says "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me".
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Sid continues to explore the nudist colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts...
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" says Sid. "You must be new" says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.
The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
Then Sid staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.
Sid yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee!"
"But, Sir" she replies "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities!"
Sid replies, "Listen lady, I'm 75 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 35 times a day!!"
A man, a dog and a pig are stranded on a deserted island after surviving a shipwreck.
The man and his animals have plenty of food and resources to survive, but after a while the man starts to feel sexually frustrated.
One day he decides to take his sexual frustration out on the pig but the dog does not like what he sees and so he bites the man every time he tries to hump the pig.
The man even tries to lure the dog to one side of the island, so he can run back and try to relive his frustration on the pig, but the dog keeps running back just in time to stop him from having sex with the pig.
Until one day a beautiful woman washes ashore on the island but she is lifeless and the man successfully revives her through CPR.
Being so grateful that she was brought back to life, she tells him "Thank you so much for saving my life, I owe you everything and will do anything you ask, to return the favour of saving my life".
The man kindly rejects the offer but she is persistent and continues to tell him Please let me repay you, I will do anything you want!"
Then the man asks "Anything? Really?" "YES!" she says "Anything you want!"
The man is now convinced that she will do anything to repay him and so he tells her "You see that dog? Go take him for a walk"...
The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.
Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civic spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success".
"Very good" said the teacher.
Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said. "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events".
"Very good, Debbie" said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher "What in the world were you selling? "Toothbrushes" said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes..?" echoed the teacher "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that kind of money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town" said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample". They all said the same thing 'Hey, this tastes like dog shit!' I would say "It IS dog shit... wanna buy a toothbrush?"
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A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital.
Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news" says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!
"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what is the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant".
"Go for it doc" says the man "as long as I can play golf again".
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved".
"That's great" said the surgeon.
"Not only that" continued the golfer "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours.
"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?" "Well, just two" said the golfer "I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get an erection, I get a headache".
CHI CHI MEDINA... STRANGE NAME FOR SUCH A STUPIDLY HOT GIRL!
An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite pan-fried drop scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom with even greater effort. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon.
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-Check out the archives. They won't back down, no they won't back down.
-Next update will be next Thursday or so they say.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will neg every fucking thing you say. EVERY thing.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stay toasty. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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