This winter has got fucking knobs on it. Yeah, yeah its cold and all that but, unbelievably you may say, I've been nailed by yet another cold. That's like 4 or 5 (almost) back-to-back contagions in the past 2 months. I'm actually wondering what's the point of looking after yourself, eating right, minimising alcohol and all the other unfun things, if the moment there's a bug within earshot the little fuckers make a beeline for me? Not that I'm frustrated of course... it's just that I hope whoever gave it to me, any of them, is and has suffered far, far worse. By the way, do you know what else is sick? This update. Got so carried away that I actually had to take stuff out to make it smaller so -by my logic- everything that remains should be fucking gold. Check it...
A man is mending a puncture on his car watched by a neighbours' young lad. "What's that?" the lad says " A screwdriver" says the man "I use it to remove the hubcap". "My dad's got two of them" says the lad. "What's that?" "It's a car jack for lifting up the car" "My dad's got two of them. What's that then?" "It's a wheel brace, I use it to loosen the wheel nuts" "My dad's got two of them" says the lad. The man decides to take a leak behind the fence and he sees that the lad is watching him. "I suppose your dad has two of these" says the man. "No just the one" says the lad "But his would make two of what you've got there".
--
One of the patrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck. Her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other. He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing. The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favourite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?" Jane replied "Nothing new, why do you ask?" "Well" said Mary "this morning I bent over to feed the cat, and shot the canary!"
--
A couple of cowboys on a cattle drive were sitting by their fire in the middle of the night when a bearded stranger wearing bear-skins galloped up in a cloud of dust. He was riding a longhorn bull with a brass ring through his nose. He jumped off, punched the bull in the head to knock it out, came to the campfire, and emptied a hot pan of beans straight into his mouth then washed it down with a pot of boiling coffee. He wiped his lips on the back of his hand, slapped the bull awake, threw a leg over as he rose to his feet and exclaimed "Sorry t'eat an' run boys, but there's a *tough* sonofabitch on my trail!"
--
A wheelie bin collector turns up to a new collection address only to find no bin out the front, so he walks up the driveway and knocks on the door. An unkempt man with a cagey expression opens the door. "Hey mate. Where's your bin?" the collector asks. Nervously the man stammers "Aah... I... I's bin in hospital". "Nah mate" corrects the collector "Where's your bin? Where's your wheelie bin?" Looking defeated, the man slumps and replies "Well, I's weelly bin in pwison, but I's told evewybody I bin in hospital"
--
A married woman goes to her doctor's office and complains "It's just too much doctor, my husband just wants to sex me up all the time, in the bed, in the kitchen, in the backyard, after dinner, before breakfast, standing up, sitting down and I can't take it anymore! Is there something that I can give him?" The smirking female doctor then takes a prescription pad, writes something and says "Here, give him my phone number and address".
--
An 8-year-old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take your kid to work Day'. As they walked round the office she started crying and getting cranky. Her father asked what was wrong. As the staff gathered round, she sobbed loudly "Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"
--
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93-years-old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?" The other says "Well, we have a name for it in my family". "What do you call it?" "We call it a football wedding". The first asks "What's a football wedding?" The other says "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
--
Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.
--
Three old ladies are sitting on a bench in a park just chatting the day away... as old ladies tend to do. Suddenly, a man in a trench coat walks up to them and flashes them with all that god gave him. Well, the first old lady had a stroke right away. The second old lady had a stroke soon after. The third old lady, being elder and feebler, couldn't reach that far.
My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I'm obsessed with horse racing. I'm looking out the window at them now... and they're off...
--
A whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke...
--
A kid tragically fell under a steam roller. The poor child was squashed to death as a steam roller ran over him. Fortunately, someone knew who he was and where he lived. A police officer said he would drive to the child's address to break the bad news. Sadly, there was no reply so the police officer did the next best thing. He slid the kid under the front door and left a note.
--
A rabbi, a priest, and an imam were walking down a deserted road when they stumbled upon a pot filled with gold coins. After a few moments they all agreed that, being men of God, they can't take all the gold for themselves. They have to give something back to God. The Priest said "I'm going to draw a square on the ground and throw the pot high in the air. Whatever fells inside the square is mine to take, whatever fells outside is God's". Next the Imam said "I'm going to draw a circle on the ground and throw the pot high in the air. Whatever fells inside is God's and whatever fell outside is mine to keep". After a few seconds the Rabbi said "I'm going to draw an equilateral triangle on the ground, then I will throw the pot in the air. Whatever God keeps is his, whatever falls back is mine".
A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat.
The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while taking out his water bottle from his school bag. Once he got close enough to the cat, he unscrewed the cap of his bottle, poured water into it, and laid the cap down on the tarmac for the cat to sip from.
The cat looked at the cap full of water, and after hesitating for a moment, the cat began to lick the water from the cap. The boy did this a few times for the cat before noticing a tag on its neck. He bent down to look at the tag. The tag read "Daisy" and had an address on it. The boy knew that the address was only a 15-minute walk from where he was now. The boy picked up the cat and began walking to the owner's house.
After about 15 minutes, the boy finally arrived at the house. He let the cat down so that he could knock on the door. He heard light footsteps approaching the door before the door suddenly opened. A girl that he recognised was standing behind the door. It was a girl from his school that he had seen walking around before. Before the boy could take say anything, the cat meowed behind him and the girl's smile turned into shock. "Daisy!" She cried in relief as she went around the boy to pick up her cat.
The boy turned around to the sight of the girl on the floor hugging her cat. "I found him on my way back to school" said the boy. The girl said that the cat had been missing for almost a week. She was relieved. The girl said thank you and pulled the boy in for a hug. His cheeks had turned bright red and he was embarrassed to pull away from the hug, because he knew she would be able to notice.
The boy went back home, heart still fluttering from the experience.
For the rest of the school year, the boy was too shy to approach her and he graduated high school without talking to her again. He went to college at a place where none of his friends had gone. He was alone and had to try to make friends. When he entered his first class, he was surprised to see the girl sitting in the front row by herself. He had no excuses not to sit next to her. He sat down and asked her "How is Daisy?". She turned around, at first looking confused, but then she smiled when she recognised him. "She's great!" She said not knowing what else to say, only knowing she was happy to see him. The boy looked at her and her smile, and it looked just as beautiful as the day he returned her cat.
This was the beginning of their relationship.
15 years later, they had been married for 9 years, and they still had Daisy. The girl had been fighting cancer for the past year. The boy would be by her side as she underwent the treatments. The doctors told him she didn't have much time left. The boy would lie at her side as she rested and when she was awake, he would talk to her all night, reminiscing all their years together. Unfortunately, their time together was cut short. She passed away when they were both 33 on February 14th.
The girl's last words before entering her final sleep were: "I love you, darling. Please take care of Daisy when I'm gone". The boy wept hearing these words and would weep more the next morning. Some time passed and the boy stopped being sad. He realised that he shouldn't be sad that she was gone, instead he should be happy she was ever here. Even though the boy had lost his wife, he could still stroke her pussy every day.
The first guy goes "Hey, so do you need to go buy some golf balls before we go?" The second guy says "No. I've already got one".
First guy: "What do you mean you only have one? You need more than that".
Second guy: "No, you see, it's a special ball, you can't lose it".
First guy: "What if you hit it into the water?"
Second guy: "Because there's a high-powered magnet on the ball. Once you activate a switch that's remote controlled to it, it can come right out of the water and roll back to you. It's a special ball, you can't lose it".
First guy: "What if you hit it against something and break it?"
Second guy: "That's impossible. See, it's made out of a titanium alloy. It's one of the hardest things on Earth, and it's indestructible. It's a special ball, you can't lose it".
First guy: "What if you hit it into a bush, it gets stuck, and you can't find it?"
Second guy: "No, you see, because it has a special tracker on it. You can figure out where it is no matter where it gets hit. If it gets into the bush, I can use the tracker and go get it. It's a special ball, you can't lose it".
Finally, the first guy goes "Wow! That really is a special ball. Where the hell did you get one of those?" "I found it".
YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE ABOUT SAND? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!
Two FBI agents who knew sensitive classified info went to a conference in Russia.
Turns out, the conference was really long and really boring, so when it was over, they decided to go to a nearby nightclub for some drinks and fun.
They had just started drinking up when two incredibly gorgeous Russian women came up and started flirting with them.
"Privet you big strong men, would you care to go to our flat after you're done there?" asked one of the women. And whether because of their drinks or just how hot the women were, or probably both, the agents agreed.
They had vague recollections of entering these women's flat for a good time, but aside from that, probably because the drinks were spiked, the next thing the agents knew they woke up in hospital beds, with rather thick bandages over their nether regions.
Things only got worse when the agents got back to America, and their boss informed them that the classified info which had been entrusted to them had somehow been discovered, and subsequently leaked on the Internet.
So the agents were forced to attend a press conference about the situation. A reporter grilled the agents at the podium, asking "How did this happen?!" The agent threw up his hands and admitted "The Russians hacked our erections".
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party.
He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed! He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jess".
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16-year-old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks "Son. what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 a.m. drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door".
Confused, he asked his son "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies "Oh THAT... mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
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An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids.
He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test. The human resources manager tells him "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5 an hour. Let me have your email address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically email you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day".
Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an email address.
To this the manager replies "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an email address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day".
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 10 kilogram. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit.
Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.
During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week, he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.
Early in the second week he acquires a hand-cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up, he sells the cart and buys a beaten-up ute.
At the end of a year, he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighbourhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.
By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.
Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars!
Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his email address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no email address, the insurance man is stunned.
"What? You don't have email? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!" "Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had email five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5 an hour".
Judy came home from shopping and met her 19-year-old granddaughter Tammy walking out of the shared apartment.
Tammy was wearing a sleek black top through which her nipples were easily seen against the threads. In shock, Judy said " Tammy! I cannot allow you to go out of this house in such apparel! Your goods are showing way too much!"
To which Tammy replied "Loosen up, Gran. This isn't the 70's! You've got to let your rosebuds show".
With those words, the girl continues out the door to the look of consternation on her grandmother's face.
A few weeks later, Tammy is hosting a friend's birthday and is preparing the main room of the apartment for the festivities when suddenly her grandmother appears around the corner wearing a pearl necklace and short skirt, but no blouse or bra!
Aghast, Tammy says "Gran! What is the meaning of this? You can't be seen like this! I've got friends coming over". Her grandmother simply smiles and says "Take a chill pill. If you can show your rosebuds, I can show my hanging baskets".
Having had extremely bad breath for most of his adult life, and having tried every possible over the counter mouthwash and toothpaste, Larry finally decides to go see a doctor.
The doctor examines Larry, takes samples of his saliva, tooth plaque and does a tongue swab. He asks Larry to return Tuesday for the test results.
Tuesday Larry is sitting in the doctor's office, hopeful for a cure.
"Larry" says the doc "Your breath could knock a buzzard off a shit wagon at 50 paces. And yet none of the tests or my examination can indicate why".
"Is there nothing I can do?" pleads Larry.
"Well sir" the doc replies "There is one thing you can try, but it's very unorthodox. "
"Go on!" says Larry.
"What you can do is three times a day, stick your toothbrush up your arse and then brush your teeth with it".
"That sounds pretty nasty" says Larry "but will it cure my bad breath?"
"No" says the doctor "but it sure will tone it down a bit".
A husband notices that his wife's hearing is deteriorating, and decides to visit her doctor for advice.
"I can't speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age" he says to the doc. "There's a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing" explains the doctor "simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn't hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does".
That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing.
He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks "What's for dinner, honey?"
No answer. He moves closer.
"What's for dinner, honey?"
Still no answer. He moves even closer.
"What's for dinner, honey?"
Still his wife doesn't answer.
He now sees how serious her hearing problem is.
At this point, he is stood right next to his wife.
"What's for dinner, honey?" "FOR THE FOURTH FUCKING, TIME WE'RE HAVING CHICKEN!!"
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An exotically dressed prostitute is perusing the meat section of the supermarket, looking perplexed.
The butcher walks over to her and asks "Can I help you find something?"
The prostitute explains that she while she was selecting some chicken to grill, she realised she wasn't sure if the meat was from a hen or rooster.
Surprised, the butcher replies "You know, I'd never considered it myself. I can try and found out if you'd like. Is there a particular reason it matters?" The prostitute nods "Thank you, please do. You see, it's a safety issue for both of us".
The butcher, puzzled, guesses "You think the rooster would be contaminated somehow?" "No, it's not that at all..." she explains "but if my pimp finds out I've been sitting at home eating cock all day without getting paid for it, he'll beat my arse and come looking for the guy who gave it to me".
A telephone technician gets his wiener bitten by a rattlesnake while peeing on a bush. He and his co-worker were fixing some phone lines in a remote location, far from the city.
His co-worker, not knowing what to do, climbs to the top of the telephone pole, connects his service telephone to the wires and calls for help.
The guy on the pole "Hello, emergencies? My co-worker was bitten by a rattlesnake, what should we do?" The operator "In your tool box you'll find a first aid kit. In it you'll find a syringe with antivenom. Inject it in the left leg".
The guy on the ground shouts "What did they say?!" The guy on the pole shouts back "They said to look in the tool box you'll find a first aid kit! In it you'll find a syringe with antivenom! Inject it in the left leg!!"
After 30 seconds, the guy on the ground shouts "There is no syringe!" The guy on the pole, in the phone "There is no syringe".
The operator answers back "In the same kit, you'll find a pill bottle with some green pills. He should take 3 with some water".
The guy on the ground shouts "What did they say?!" The guy on the pole shouts back "They said to look in the same kit, should be pill bottle with green pills! Take 3 of them with water!"
After few seconds, the guy on the ground shouts "There is no pill bottle!" The guy on the pole, in the phone "There is no pill bottle".
The operator says "Suck the venom out of the wound, with your mouth and spit out".
The guy on the ground shouts "What did they say?!" The guy on the pole "They said that you are going to die".
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble.
He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home. He offered him his credit card numbers, his driver's license number, his address, etc.
The cabbie snarled "If you don't have fifty dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
A year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line "How much for a ride to the airport" he asked? "Fifteen bucks" came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the fuck out of my cab, weirdo!"
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "Fifty bucks".
The businessman said "Okay" and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.
-Follow me on Facebook for excellent sourdough recipes.
-Check out the archives. They cover everything from greatness to awesomeness and nothing else.
-Next update will be next Thursday. I hope that you will find all which you seek.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I will continue to increase inflation.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
I'm just going to keep this brief, this bloggy bit that is, because there has never been a reason yet to make the update smaller. Or at least none that I can remember... that said Orsm has been around for a very, very long time so it may well have happened and I've just forgotten. If anyone feels like quickly combing back through the Orsm Archives of the last 20-something years to check that'd be great. Ta. But as I was saying - I'm just going to keep this brief because I still feel kind of a little bit like crap. No idea if this is a mild version of long-COVID or, maybe, I have it again and this is just the 3-day incubation period before everything goes bad. Woohoo! Follow me for more pessimism. Meanwhile, delve into this spectacular new update. Check it...
An old woman tells her husband that if he walks across the kitchen floor after she mops again, she's going to kill him. The next time she mops the kitchen floor he does it again. He gets the kitchen floor dirty and tracks water into the living room. She does as promised. Without saying a word, she goes to their bedroom, gets his pistol out of the closet, and shoots him dead in his recliner. Then she calls the police and tells them "I told my husband that if he walks through the kitchen after I mopped then I would kill him. He didn't listen and I shot him". Emergency dispatch immediately sends an ambulance for the husband and a squad car for the wife. The chief of police hears about the call shortly afterwards, thinks it's a rather strange story so he drives to the house. When he gets there his officers are still waiting outside. He asks "Officers, why haven't you gone inside and arrested the woman?" They reply "Sir we can't go in now. The kitchen floor is still wet".
--
A man goes to see his friend to check out his new house. He arrives at the address and finds himself outside an incredible mansion. He knocks on the door and his friend answers, but there is something very different about him. His friend has a huge orange head. "What the hell happened to you?!" the man asks. "Come in and I'll tell you the whole story". They sit down and the friend begins "I was walking along the beach a week ago when I tripped on something. I looked down, and there was this brass lamp. I picked it up and all of a sudden, this genie pops out and says he'll grant me 3 wishes. So I said I wanted to be rich beyond my wildest dreams, which is how I got this house and all this stuff. Then I wished to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world, which is how I met her". He points to his wife who is indeed jaw-droppingly gorgeous. "Then for my third wish... and this is where I think I may have gone wrong... you see, I wished for a huge orange head".
--
A rabbit is running in the woods, he sees a giraffe smoking pot. "Dude, don't smoke it, it's harmful for your body. Let's keep it healthy, come run with me, and they start running". A little later they see an elephant prepared to snort cocaine. "My elephant friend, drop the cocaine, come run with us". After a little run, they see the lion who is prepared to inject himself with heroin. "My dear lion brother, do not inject this poison into your body. Come and run with us, it will be good for you". Lion approaches the rabbit and punches him in the face knocking him out. The others were shocked "Why did you do this??" Lion, heavily breathing "Every time this idiot gets ecstasy, he makes us run like crazy in the forest".
--
A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250,000 kilometres on the clock. One day she told her problem to a friend she worked with. The friend told her "Okay" said the friend. "Here's the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 kilometres. Then it shouldn't be a problem selling your car". The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the friend asked the blonde "Did you sell your car?" "No" replied the blonde "Why should I? It only has 50,000 kilometres on it!"
--
At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying "I know the whole truth". Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her "I know the whole truth". His mother quickly hands him $20 and says "Just don't tell your father". Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with "I know the whole truth". The father promptly hands him $40 and says "Please don't say a word to your mother". Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying "I know the whole truth". The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says "Then come give your daddy a great big hug!"
--
A teen is caught smoking pot behind a local convenience store. He's arrested and put in county jail. The arresting officer advises the young pothead that he gets one phone call from jail. The teen makes his phone call and returns to his cell. About a half hour later a man shows up at the police station. "I assume you're the boy's father?" the arresting officer says. "No" responds the man "I'm here to deliver a pizza".
--
Two friends, dead drunk, are on their way home. One says to the other "Come up to my house for a last drink". They enter the house, the owner of the house asks his friend not to make noise, so as not to wake his wife, and goes to the kitchen to get beers. Meanwhile, the friend left alone, hears noises coming from the bedroom, looks out and takes a peek into the bedroom, sees his friend's wife in bed with a man! The homeowner comes back and the friend tells him "Hey! There is another man in the bedroom with your wife!" And the guy replies "Shut up! Talk quietly, I only have two beers!
The husband gets a love bite on his neck from his secretary. He goes home quite worried, but suddenly gets a brainwave! Upon reaching his house, he allows his pet dog to jump on him and shouts "Honey, Fido bit my neck!" The wife quickly removes her bra and says "Look what he did to me too!"
--
Two guys walk into a bar and order lunch. "What brings you guys in today?" the bartender asks. "I guess you haven't heard yet. The mayor passed a law yesterday to try to help out local restaurants during Covid-19. All adult males are required to go and eat lunch out with their best male friends at least once a week" one of the guys answers the bartender. "Well, it's not a law really" the other guy corrects him. "It's more of a mandate".
--
A child asked his father "How were people born?" So his father said "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on". The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now". The child ran back to his father and said "You lied to me!" His father replied "No, your mum was talking about her side of the family".
--
A man was sitting on a bench in the park when a woman walking her dog was passing him. The man asked "Taking your bitch out for a walk?" The woman replied, "How dare you refer to dogs that way!?" The man replied, "I was talking to your dog."
It had been many years since Robin Hood began his quest of 'stealing from the rich and giving to the poor'.
By now he was growing old and tired, and wanted to find someone who could carry on his legacy and lead a new band of Merry Men.
He searched through many villages for someone he could deem his successor. Eventually he came across a promising young lad by the name of Lincoln.
"Lincoln, my boy" said Robin Hood "When I am gone from this world, I want you to be the one to carry on my legacy. Even the great name of Robin Hood will one day be yours". "Thank you very much, sir" responded Lincoln.
"Please pass as much knowledge on to me as you can so I can properly lead the Merry Men after you have passed away". "Very well then. The first lesson you need to learn is survival". said Robin Hood. "Grill as much meat as possible in the wilderness, and then bring it to me as proof that you know how to sustain yourself in the wilderness. On top of that, you will also need to learn to cook the meat regularly so I can be well-fed and taken care of in my old age".
Lincoln agreed. He took minimal supplies out into the forest and began grilling as much meat as he could find. When he was done, he brought it back for Robin Hood to enjoy.
As time went on, the Merry Men began to notice an abundance of meat in Robin Hood's residence. Robin Hood's good friend, Friar Tuck, approached him directly about this.
"I don't understand how you got all this meat, Robin" he said. Robin Hood was quick to reply "Clearly you don't have an heir, Friar".
When I was born, my mother died and my father abandoned me. So I spent my entire childhood with my aunt and uncle.
When I was in my late teens, I stumbled upon a video that my sister had made of herself. It was then that I realised that she was really, really hot. I watched the video twice, and I probably would have watched it even more. But I had to leave home because my aunt and uncle were in trouble with the law.
It turned out that my sister was also in trouble with the law and was actually in custody. So my friend and I went to pick her up. When we did, I noticed that she was even more gorgeous in person than in the video, and my friend agreed with me.
After that, we crashed with my sister's friends. By then, pretty much everyone we knew was wanted by the government, so we moved around a lot. My friend is way better looking than I am and he has a really awesome car, so I started to sort of see him as competition.
Around that time, I was seriously injured. While I was in recovery, my sister gave me a big, passionate kiss on the lips.
After that, we went our separate ways. I was becoming extremely religious, so I never thought much of her. But then I saw her for the first time in about a year, and she was wearing a bikini. All my old feelings came back.
But it didn't matter because, soon after that, she hooked up with my friend that I mentioned earlier.
A few days later, the three of us were at a party. While my friend stayed inside, my sister and I went outside. It was very intimate, and it seemed like something was going to happen.
But I killed the mood by telling her that Darth Vader was our father and I had to fight him.
It's a big night for XR-573, the patriarch of the robot family.
Not only are all three of his sons going to be over for dinner for the first time in years, but all three of them have brand new fiancées! XR-573 and his wife Z7-271 are both very excited to see their children and learn all about their wives-to-be.
So as they're all sitting around the dinner table, sipping their oil soup, XR-573 looks at his eldest son, 453-WX, and asks him "So, tell me about your new fiancée!" 453-WX, beaming with pride says "Dad, I'm so excited. She's kind, generous, has state-of-the-art processing capacity, and what's more, she's made entirely out of stainless steel!"
XR-573 and his wife are both impressed.
"Wow, stainless steel, that's incredible! Well done, son! I can't wait to meet her!"
XR-573 then turns to his middle son, Q79, and says "Q79, what about you? Tell me about your robot fiancée!" Q79 smiles smugly, and says "Well dad, I'm afraid I've got my brother beat! Because not only does my fiancée incorporate experimental superconductors and wireless satellite networking capability, she just happens to be made out of titanium!" XR-573 thinks this is amazing. "Well hot damn, Q79, I am genuinely impressed! I can't wait to see the incredible children you'll fabricate together!"
XR-573 then turns to his youngest son, D7-8902, who has always been a bit of a black sheep, and asks him "Well D7-8902, you've been awfully quiet. Would you like to tell us about your robot fiancée?" D7-8902 holds up his head proudly. "Dad, my fiancée might not be made of space age materials, but I love her very much. We have a lot in common. And she's made... of iron".
XR-573's circuits practically fry upon hearing this.
He stands up, slams the table and yells as loud as his vocal processor will go "IRON?? Why, she's no better than a common ore!"
During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.
After three years, Andy was recognised as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.
The warden was thinking of remodelling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife.
So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused.
He told the warden "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".
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An innocent young woman is sitting with her mother before going to spend the night with her boyfriend.
She is nervous about what's going to happen because the man is her first boyfriend and for the first time, she'll ever spend a night away from home.
Her overly protective mother looks meaningfully into her daughter's eyes and said "Honey, when you go to bed tonight, your boyfriend is going to want to touch your mouth, but you must say no, because your mouth is like cotton, very delicate. Your boyfriend might ask to touch your breasts, but you must say no, because they are your diamonds, precious and they must be kept safe".
After checking to see that her daughter is paying attention she continues "And at all costs, keep him away from your vagina, because that's a grill, and anything that goes into your fire will burn".
So saying, she sends off the daughter and calls her up the next day to ask how it went.
"Oh mum!" says the daughter "I told him everything you said, and he said he understood it all". "That's wonderful, darling! That means he didn't touch you anywhere!" says the overjoyed mother.
"Oh no mum, he told me had a nugget he wanted to fry on my grill, and every so often he'd take it out so I could taste if it was done" replied the daughter.
The other day Bubba and I were walking around town when, out of nowhere, we get run over by a truck and die, and both go straight to hell.
In hell, I'm greeted by the devil, who tells me that I have two choices: I can either stay in hell being tortured for all of eternity, or I can have sex with the ugliest woman there, and if I'm able to finish, I'll be free to go.
I think this over, and figure how ugly could she be? And I agree to give it a try.
So Satan leads me to this little bedroom, and tells me to make myself comfortable. So I strip down to my socks and sit on the bed to wait for my partner to arrive.
Soon, I hear on a booming knock on the door, and in comes the ugliest woman in Hell. Trust me when I tell you: whatever you're picturing, this woman is infinitely worse.
Her face (if you can call it a face) was covered in oozing sores, eyes so sunken back in her head I wondered if they had fallen out, her mouth half filled with the jagged remains of teeth, and a mess of thick wiry hairs poked out from her chin. Even from across the room her breath hit me harder than the truck that sent me there in the first place.
Her body was hunched and lumpy - I honestly couldn't tell which lumps were which parts of her anatomy, even after she had removed her clothes. It was just a heap of flesh and lard that looked like it had never been washed in the hundred and fifty or so years that it looked like she'd been alive.
She walked to the bed, grunting something that I took to mean that it was time to get started.
My penis had shot back into my body like a turtle head, but I knew that my only chance of escaping an eternity of torment was to finish this deed.
So, I closed my eyes, held my breath, and with intense concentration, I was able to get half an erection, and the she-beast climbed on top.
Let me tell you, even with my eyes closed and breath held, there was no escaping the texture. The thick, pungent, sticky... stuff down there made it difficult to keep from vomiting. But I just went into a zen state, imagined it was just a congealed and rotting cheese sandwich, and after a while, I had the most unwilling orgasm of my life (or afterlife).
The thing left the room, and the devil walked in, amazed that I was able to complete the task, as many had tried, but none had yet succeeded. But he agreed to keep his end of the bargain, and led me out the door.
As we were walking toward the exit, we passed another bedroom door, and through it I saw Bubba, having sex with Jennifer Lawrence.
"Whoa, Satan" I said "What the heck? I had to have sex with that creature, but Bubba gets to have sex with Jennifer Lawrence?" "Well, sure" said Satan "Jennifer Lawrence wants to get out of here, too".
There is one representative each from every country. Each representative wields the main weapon from their culture. A fly is released within the range of the representative and they must cut it. The more precise or beautiful the cut, the more points.
The next competitor goes up, representing the USA as a Native American. He readies his tomahawk and the fly is released. He brings the tomahawk down, cutting the fly clean in two.
The audience shouts in approval.
The next competitor steps up, representing India. He says a quick prayer and the fly is released. The khanda in his hand slices horizontally and the fly is also split in two, except horizontally.
The crowd cheers raucously.
The next competitor steps forth, representing Japan. He brandishes his ōdachi and puts it back in the scabbard. The fly is released and the swordsman clicks his sword back in. A second later, the fly splits into eight pieces.
The audience roars in amazement.
The final competitor goes up, representing the Philippines. He walks in indignation, clutching a scythe. The audience boos him, saying "That's not a sword!". Nevertheless, he readies his scythe and the fly is released. He slashes and the fly seems untouched.
The crowd laughs in mocking tones, but the Filipino competitor grabs the mic and says "Ladies and gentlemen, look closer, and you'll see that this fly won't be a father anytime soon".
Clerk says to the rabbit "May I help you, sir?" Rabbit says "Yes, I'd like a tossed salad with croutons, ranch dressing on the side". Clerk looks bewildered and responds "Uhhh, we don't have salads here".
Rabbit says "Oh really? Then make it a cheeseburger, with grilled onions and mayo". Clerk, a bit irritated, replies testily "Sir, we don't have cheeseburgers either".
Rabbit, now a bit frustrated, sighs and says "Okay then, I'll go straight to dessert... hot fudge sundae, hold the nuts".
Clerk has reached the end of his patience and explodes "We don't have desserts! We don't have sandwiches, or salads, or hors d'oeuvres, or steaks, or pizza or anything else to eat! This is not a restaurant! This is clothing store! CAN'T YOU READ THE SIGN !?!?"
"Hey" says the rabbit, also exasperated - "if I could read I would have ASKED FOR A MENU!!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A teenager was hungry and his mother told him to go find something in the kitchen to eat.
After banging around for a few minutes, he yelled "There isn't shit to eat in this house!"
His father heard this and went into the kitchen saying "First of all, watch your language! Second of all, there is lots to eat if you just look. He took his son to the pantry and pointed things out. "See, here are some noodles... here is some cream of mushroom soup... here are some dried beans..."
He then took him to the fridge and continued "Here is some cheese... here is some yogurt... here is a banana..." The teenager rolled his eyes and said "Whatever" and stomped out of the kitchen.
Seeing all of this, the mother said to the father "You know, honey, I really appreciate you stepping in and setting him straight. He's gotten so negative lately. I'm really glad you did that!" "I am too" the father replied "because now I see there isn't shit to eat in this house!"
The cashier spots him and says "If you're looking for something extra, check out the room in the back..."
Curious, the man heads to the back of the store and finds a long hallway lined with gloryholes. As soon as he walks in, he hears seductive coos and beckoning comments from behind each wall. Peering into some of the holes, he is surprised to see gorgeous women from all around the world waiting on the other sides and immediately decides to give it a try.
While slipping his junk into the first hole, he notices there's a small American flag on the wall. From behind the wall, he hears *"Rub-a-dub-dub! Thanks for the grub!"* and promptly receives incredible oral that leaves him breathless.
Thinking it would be a waste to leave now, he walks up to a second hole with a Japanese flag above it and inserts his Johnson. From behind the wall, he hears *"Itadakimasu!"* and receives mind-blowing service that almost makes his knees buckle.
Excited to try another, he eagerly walks up to a third hole with a French flag above it and places his member into the hole. From behind the wall, he hears *"Bon appétit!"*, but quickly takes his junk back out.
Confused, the French woman behind the wall peers through the hole and sees the man putting his pants back on with a sad expression and shuffling back to the exit, muttering "...it's not THAT petite..."
He tells her that he's always wanted to become a bear, and that he will reward her handsomely if she transforms him. She accepts, and starts gathering components for her spell.
The man follows her around the whole time, explaining how he had read about magic in college, enough to point out his teacher's mistakes, and that he thought that theoretical knowledge was sufficient, since he could pay technicians to do the dirty work anyway.
Once all her ingredients were gathered, she sat the young noble on a chair, closed her eyes and concentrated, while performing complex gestures. Watching her intensely, the man commented that she should really see a dermatologist about the wart on her nose, and that he would be happy to recommend one who had in fact cured his aunt's toe wart a few years back, but that might be a bit too expensive for a witch, so never mind.
The witch suddenly opened her eyes, threw her hands up and yelled "I give up!!" "But why?" asked the noble "I really wanted to be turned into a bear..." "I just can't!" said the witch "You're unbearable!"
Well I hate to say it but we have come to the end. To some, perhaps ALL of you, this might be the worst thing that's ever happened. It may very well feel like the world is coming to an end also but I assure you it is not. Please read on to help you through this difficult time...
-Follow me on Facey. It would be updated more often but I get busy...
-Check out the archives. Not one of the best; ALL of the best.
-Next update will be next Thursday. If we don't ALL fucking freezetot melt to death in the meantime.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll do something so reprehensible you'll find it very hard to live a normal life ever again.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
Reason there was no update last week? COVID. One minute I was fast asleep, the next I was freezing my nurries off. It was all downhill from there! The next 24 hours were rough; similar to a severe flu but with some value-adds. From there was about half a day of feeling like turd but actually able to get out of bed and then I came good. It was Friday before I got the PCR test done 'just in case'. Didn't expect a positive because all the RATs I'd done showed clear. For what its worth, RATs are apparently useless now because the virus has mutated so much. I've been up and down all this week but hasn't stopped me from laying into this update. Honestly can't imagine having been infected pre-vaccines - getting smashed that hard for any longer than I was would have fucking sucked. The worst thing now is complete loss of taste and smell. You never realise how much you enjoy your own farts until they're gone! Speaking of things I enjoy... check it...
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. He says "The female dormitory would be prohibited for all male students, and the male dormitory would be prohibited for the female students". Continuing further, he says "Anyone caught breaking this rule would be fined $50 the first time". "Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time would be fined $100". "Being caught the third time, would incur a hefty fine of $200". "Are there any questions?" At this, a male student in the crowd inquired "How much for a season pass?"
--
A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford "The materials we put into our stomach should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But... There is one thing that is the more dangerous to all us and most of us have had it, or will have it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said "Wedding Cake".
--
A blonde goes to the doctor and says "I keep finding these Colombian postage stamps in my vagina". The doctor takes a look and says "Ma'am, those aren't postage stamps, those are stickers from banana's".
--
Damn girl, are you an ultrasound technician? Because I'd like to know what sex we're having.
--
I ran into a buddy last month and invited him to a party. He said "No, thanks. I don't go to parties anymore. It's too embarrassing". "What do you mean?" "Well, I always drink too much, and when I'm drunk I think it's funny to piss in peoples' flower pots. Then the next day, everybody's talking about it, and it's too embarrassing. So I just don't go anymore". I said "Geez, that's bizarre behaviour. You should see a shrink!" "Yeah, maybe I should". Fast forward to last night, I ran into him at a party. I asked him "Hey, so you took my advice?" He said "Yeah, I went and saw a shrink. So now I can go to parties again". "So you're not pissing in flower pots anymore?" "Oh no, I still do that. Now I just don't care".
--
Two drunk men are eating out of a crock pot in the snow. Neither of the men know what they are eating. The first man says "Wow, this soup makes it feel hot out here!" The second man looks in the pot, takes a bite, and says "No no, I think it's chili".
--
When the office photocopies began to look faint, the office manager called in a local repair service. The friendly technician after inspecting the equipment, informed the manager that the machine was in need of a good cleaning. The tech suggested that someone might try reading the operator's manual and perform the job themselves, since it would cost $100, if he did the work. Pleasantly surprised by his candour, the office manager asks "Does your boss know you are discouraging business?" "Actually, my boss demands we explain this to all our customers". "After people try first to fix things themselves, we end-up making much more money on repairs".
--
One day a man wakes up and finds out he has 3 balls. He decides to go see a doctor but was a little embarrassed to address his problem so he says "Hey Doc, between you and me we have 5 balls".
The doctor, extremely baffled by this, jumps off his chair and says "WHATTTT?!!?!! You have no balls?"
--
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful" he said "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied "Sure you do, I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving".
--
A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural. He asks "Who here has seen a ghost?" Everyone puts up their hands. He then asks "Who here has spoken with a ghost?" Half the audience puts up their hands. "And who here has touched a ghost?" Ten percent of the crowd puts up their hands. He asks "And who here has made love with a ghost?" One little man in the back row puts up his hand. The psychiatrist looks down from the podium at the little man and says "Do you mean to tell me that you have made love with a ghost?" The man replies "Oh No! I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you correctly. I thought you said 'goat'".
--
A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand. The old man said "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up today and I can't even hold a pen". "Certainly sir" said the younger man "I'd be glad to". He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?" The old fellow thought about it for a moment and said "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'P.S. Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing.'"
Grandma flies to a wedding. Unfortunately, the airline loses her luggage, including her dentures. When she arrives her granddaughter's fiancé says "Not to worry, my uncle Steve has a briefcase full of dentures". Grandma has her doubts but sure enough Steve shows up in a nice three-piece suit, and a briefcase full of dentures. The first ones she tried were too loose, and the second were too wide. Finally, the third pair fit perfectly. Grandma says "Thank you so much, you must be a very successful dentist!" Steve looks confused and replies "You're very welcome, but I'm a mortician".
--
The first 5G cell phone tower in town is put up. Suddenly, all sorts of people develop medical conditions. A citizens' initiative against the mast is formed. A public hearing is organised with the mayor and representatives of the telecom company. The people bring forward all the ailments they suffer from since the mast was erected. The telecom technician replies "For God's sake, what will be going on when we then put the tower into operation?"
--
When I was a lad, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally took a misstep and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried. I'd always heard adults talk about it, but I finally knew what they were talking about. I'll never forget the pain of my first kid knee stones.
--
My wife and I are constantly fighting over who's going to make the first pot of coffee in the morning. I think this might be grounds for divorce.
Once upon a time, there was a particularly intelligent sperm cell living inside a particularly large blue whale.
From the time it was created, the sperm cell studied diligently and learned a great many things. It read the full text of Wikipedia. It learned languages, history, science. It learned the nature of life and its own place in the mystery of creation. It knew what it was and its purpose in the universe. With this knowledge came a deep sense of commitment and anticipation for the moment when it would create new life.
One day, the male blue whale in which this sperm cell resided happened into the company of a particularly delightful female blue whale. Their courtship was a traditional one, and over time the two whales grew quite close to each other. After a late supper one evening in the Atlantic, the whales joyfully and consensually consummated their mutual affection in a passionate night of whale lovemaking.
As it happened, their entanglement was so vigorous that it actually brought the two magnificent creatures to the surface where their congress was witnessed by a passing cruise ship. In fact, at the height of their ecstasy, the male whale slipped out of his partner and ejaculated high into the air. Our friendly sperm cell was caught in the stream and cried out in horror as it landed in a *SPLAT* with millions of its brethren on the freshly waxed deck of the passing ship.
Summoning all its knowledge and wherewithal, the sperm cell called out to the crowd of onlookers "Please, please can someone throw us down onto the female blue whale below? If only you could get us on to her, somehow we'll find a way to where we belong!"
Whether in response to the sperm's pleas, or out of a simple sense of duty to keep the deck clean, a maintenance technician scooped up the wad of genetic whale goo and heaved it over the railing. It was a fortunate shot, and the semen landed in very close proximity to the lady whale's lady bits.
"Thank you so much, kind sir!" the sperm called out into the night. "You're whale cum!" the man called back.
A sprinter is training one day when he beats the world record.
After this he wakes up in the hospital with a concussion and a completely shattered foot.
"I'm afraid this happens sometimes in jokes" says the doctor "and frankly you got off lightly. You reached the limit of what the laws of physics allow for and hit the fourth wall".
"Does this mean I can never get any faster?" the sprinter asks. "Exactly. You've gone beyond what any human has ever achieved but now your foot is lost. I can give you a good prosthetic and some physiotherapy but you'll never be as fast as you were. Perhaps it would be best to retire from running". "But I'm a sprinter!" exclaims the sprinter "If I don't sprint, I'm not anyone! No invisible wall is getting the better of me!"
After months of physical therapy and retraining himself all over again, sheer force of will puts the sprinter back on the track and ready to beat his previous time.
The sprinter sets off again, and runs harder and faster than he even managed before, when...
*THUD*.
He sees his body smash into the invisible wall, blood and limbs spread everywhere. "Not again!" the sprinter screams, as everything goes dark and he passes into a coma.
He wakes up in hospital, weeks later. He can't see whatever's left of his body under all the plaster and tubes everywhere.
"Not you again" says the doctor. "Somehow we've managed to reconstruct most of your body from the mess you made on the wall and we had a team of engineers take care of the rest. But even if you can do this you really shouldn't, I don't know if I can fix you again".
Completely undeterred, the sprinter, now almost more machine than man, continues training to be even better than he was. He has his cyborg legs upgraded and improved upon, and trains his body ten hours a day every day for eight years.
It's the big day. The story's gotten out and the sprinter now appears in front of a stadium of thousands as the world gathers to watch his third attempt to get through the fourth wall. Equipped with a titanium exoskeleton and battering ram, the sprinter takes his mark for his third and final showdown with the fourth wall.
As he speeds up, his life flashes before his eyes, he remembers being the fastest kid on the playground and how everything he's done since then has led up to this moment -the fastest being on Earth, facing his ultimate challenge- his destiny will be decided here and now. He will break the fourth wall or die trying.
He screams as he hits the wall at what to the audience might as well have been the speed of light.
As the dust from the track settles, the audience gasp in disbelief and horror. All that remains of the sprinter is a puddle of red and grey goo running down an invisible wall with a very visible crack through the middle.
The same doctor who saved the patient twice before is there in the hospital when the sprinter's reconstructed brain is somehow revived in a robot body.
"Well" he says to the doctor "I suppose this is a running joke"...
A trucker was looking to get a little action one night.
So he gets on his CB radio and asked if anyone knows a good place to find some 'company'. Another trucker radios back with a nearby address, and tells him he'll have the best time ever for just $20.
The trucker goes to brothel with his $20, eager to see what that will get him. When he walks up to the madame, he sees a sign that reads: DUE TO RISING COSTS, SERVICES NOW START AT $100
"$100?! Well damn, I only brought $20. Can you give a good ol' boy a break just this once?" asked the trucker. The madame looked him over and said "For $20, the best I can do is put you with Sandpaper Sally".
Although the name didn't sound appealing, he decided to go for it. Honestly, how bad could it be?
So, he walked down the hall, and made it to Sandpaper Sally's room. The lights were dim, but he heard her voice "You ready for a good time, sailor?" The trucker nodded, and got on the bed, not knowing exactly what to expect. Sally got on top, and sure enough, he found out how she got the 'sandpaper' nickname. It was rough, dry, and extremely painful. After just a minute, he couldn't take it anymore.
Sandpaper Sally could see is disappointment, and said "Just you wait here".
She left the room for a few minutes, then returned looking exactly the same. However, things were VERY different! No longer rough and dry, she felt soft, warm, and incredibly wet.
The trucker enjoyed his time, and paid her the $20.
Before leaving, he looked at her and said "I've just gotta know. What that some kind of miracle lube or something? It felt absolutely amazing!" Sally shook her said and replied "It wasn't any special lube. I just went to the bathroom and picked off the scabs".
SIDE BOOB - PROBABLY T HE BEST TYPE OF BOOB YOU CAN GET
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A young man from the depths of Siberia, Dmitri, moves to America hoping to start a new life.
He buys a nice apartment, lives comfortably and integrates himself into the community, as a fine, upstanding citizen of New York.
6 or 7 months later, his old friends from Siberia, Mikhail and Sasha demand to see him. They have not communicated in a while and were increasingly worried about him.
So he finally relents after a week of thinking, and his friends fly to America to see him.
"Misha! Sasha!" The friends reunite, and after a round of hugs and manly grapples, they get onto Dmitri's car and drive to his apartment. As soon as Mikhail and Sasha entered the apartment, their eyes grew in wonder. For Dmitri's house was full of things that they had never seen before, living in the cold and dark recesses of Siberia.
"Dmitri, what is that?" Said Sasha, pointing to the refrigerator. "Why, Sasha, it is an American refrigerator!" Replied Dmitri.
"Dmitri, what is that?" Said Mikhail, pointing to the bedside lamp. "Why, Misha, it is an American lamp!" Replied Dmitri.
And so they went on. Eventually, it got late. But they were not done.
"Dmitri, what is this?" Asked Sasha, pointing to a large, hollow bronze pot. "Why, Sasha, this is my talking American clock!"
Sasha and Mikhail were both sceptical.
"I don't believe you. I have seen wonders in this house, but this is a bit over the edge" said Sasha. "Don't worry, Sasha! I shall prove it to you! Misha, please get me the largest spoon on the rack over in the kitchen".
Misha was confused, but did as he said.
When Dmitri got his hands on the big metal spoon, he held it with two hands and with strength, slammed the spoon onto the pot.
*GOOOOOOOONGGGGGGG*
And the neighbours, right across from their apartment, threw open the windows and screamed out: "IT'S FUCKING 2 A.M. IN THE FUCKING MORNING!"
A policeman, an archer, and a soldier are on an airplane losing altitude.
The pilot yells to these passengers "We're carrying too much weight, drop whatever you got!"
The policeman drops his pistol, the archer drops his bow and arrow, and the soldier drops a grenade out of the hatch door.
The plane still crashes, and all three passengers wake up in different locations. In search for help, they each start making their way through the woods they are now lost in.
The policeman stumbles upon a little girl crying over the body of an adult man. He asks the girl "What happened here!?" to which the little girl replies "I was walking with my daddy and a gun fell out of the sky and hit his head!"
The archer comes across someone crying over a body as well, a young boy. The archer says "Oh my gosh, what happened!?" The boy tells the archer "We were playing hide-and-seek and I found him with an arrow in his head!"
The soldier pushes through the brush, and finds a young boy laughing hysterically, standing in front of a cabin with a giant hole in the wall.
The soldier asks the little boy "Whoah, what did I miss?" The little boy says between laughing fits "You wouldn't believe the fart I just ripped!"
As the result of an accident, a man lost teeth and had to have a partial plate made.
His dentist built a standard dental plate and fitted it into his mouth and it worked just fine.
In three months, the man was back at his dentist. The dentist looked in his mouth, and the plate he had just put in was so deteriorated it was beyond repair. The dentist was shocked that it had only lasted three months, so he constructed a new plate and had stainless steel used as the basis.
But again, in three months later the patient was back, and the stainless-steel plate was corroded and failing. This time he had the plate made with titanium, but once more it only lasted a matter of months before deteriorating beyond repair.
Totally baffled, he sent the patient to a dental professor known to be an expert in the construction of dental plates to see if he could solve this puzzle. The professor examined his mouth and quizzed the man about his dental hygiene and diet.
"There must be something very acidic that you eat a lot of" the dentist said. "To tell the truth" the man replied "My wife makes the absolute best hollandaise sauce in the world. I put it on everything". "Aha!" The professor exclaims "Have your dentist make you a new plate out of chrome and you shouldn't have any more problems!" "Chrome?" The patent asks. "Why chrome?" "Because" the dentist replies "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
A guy walks into a bar, pulls up a seat, and orders his favourite drink.
In the bar there's a group of gorgeous blonde ladies who are having a bit of a celebration. "TWENTY-SIX DAYS! TWENTY-SIX DAYS!" they shout as they're knocking back drink after drink.
This goes on for some time. The ladies are getting more and more intoxicated "TW..TWENNNTTTY-SIX DAYYYYS.... TW..TWENNNTTTY-SIX DAYYYYS!"...
The guy gets more and more curious.
He asks the barman "Hey man, do you know what's up with the '26 days'?"... "Nah" replies the barman "but it must be something very special. Their tab is already over a grand!! If they tip well that one table is going to pay my rent this month!"
Shocked, the man couldn't take it anymore. By this time, he'd had a few drinks himself. He worked up his Dutch courage and sauntered up to the table where he addressed the only lady who wasn't passed out or falling off her chair.
"Hi... I've been sitting over at the bar all night and my curiosity has got the nest of me. What's with the '26 days'?" She points to the middle of the table. The man looks over, confused, and sees what looks like a framed picture of the 'Cookie Monster'. His mind starts racing... were they on Sesame Street for a month? Did they open a bakery? Are they costume designers?
He turns back to the lady who is pulling a box out of her bag. She says "People say blondes are dumb, but we proved them wrong! The box says 3-6 years, but we did it in TWENTY-SIX DAYS!!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A man was taken to court for calling an Honourable Minister a pig.
It was his first offence and the Judge was in a good mood and decided to show mercy. So he discharged him after warning him to desist from unguarded utterances in future.
The man removed his cap and thanked the benevolent Judge profusely "Thank you, your lordship". He continued "Honestly sir, I didn't know it was wrong to call an Honourable Minister a pig. I won't do it again. I am sorry". "It's okay" said the Judge "You may go".
"My lord, may I ask a question, sir?" "Feel free" answered the Judge.
"Now I know it's wrong to call an Honourable Minister a pig, but is it also wrong to call a pig Honourable Minister?" Amused, the Judge replied. "I don't know why you would want to address a pig as Minister. But I don't think the pig would mind. Anyway, it's not unlawful by the way. Yes, you may call any pig Honourable Minister".
The man smiled and nodded, then he turned to look pointedly at the Minister and said. "Goodbye, Honourable minister".
A man gets pulled over with his young son in the back seat.
The cop comes to the window. "Sorry officer, I was rushing to get home. My wife is throwing a dinner party for very important guests".
The cop writes him a ticket anyway, wishes him a good day and walks back to his patrol car. As he walks away, the dad mutters "Bastard".
The little boy, who has been quiet asks. "Daddy, what's a bastard?"
The dad points at the cop.
When they get home, they park the car and are walking up the driveway when the dad steps in a pile of dog poop.
"SHIT!" he exclaims. The little boy asks "Daddy, what's shit?"
Dad points to his shoe.
Sometime later, the boy goes upstairs to the bathroom to see his dad shaving. He accidentally cuts himself and yells "NUTS!"
"Daddy? What's nuts?"
Dad points to his face.
Boy finally goes into this kitchen to see his mother stuffing a turkey. She drops some of the stuffing on the floor and yells "FUCK!"
"Mummy? What's fuck?"
She points at the dropped stuffing.
Sometime later, there is a knock on the door. It's a cop that is investigating a rash of local crime, interviewing the neighbours.
The little boy answers the door and gleefully says "Howdy Bastard! Wipe your shit on the mat. Dad's upstairs shaving his nuts. Mums in the kitchen fucking a turkey!"
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past.
The lizard looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend".
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard "What's the matter with you?!" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!?" The Monkey looks down and says "FUUUUUCK, DUDE... how much water did you drink?"
-Follow me on Facebook if you dare!
-Check out the archives. They’ve never failed anyone. Ever.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Well, that's usually the goal anyway...
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll give you COVID. *cough*
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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