07/07: NO update this week due to flu, or a virus, or maybe COVID, or possibly full-blown AIDS. Honestly tried to push through but my body said no. Back next week (hopefully). In the meantime, lose yourself in the Orsm Archives.
Welcome to upon request, I can also perform a hug.
I'm having one of those 'accidentally knock a water bottle over and drench the keyboard thus preventing the update from getting done until I go buy a new one' kind of days. Also, is it just me or have the price of peripherals gone through the roof? Yeah, I'm not fucking stupid - I know everything everywhere is going / has gone up but the last keyboard I bought was 3 years ago; its superseded now, similar spec, same manufacturer, about $50 cheaper. Checked the mice price too. Cheapest I can find the exact same one I bought mid-2020 is $55 dearer. I'm not sure who exactly I can blame for this but I imagine its somewhere between China and Vladimir. Hopefully they've tuned in for this brand-spanking new, totally fucking sweet, wholly wholesome update. Check it...
An Englishman and a Aussie are in a bar at midnight when they start bragging to each other about their sexual escapades. After several minutes of back and forth, the Englishman challenges the Aussie to a contest. "We'll go to the nearest brothel and see how many times we can shag a girl between now and dawn. Winner gets $100". So they go down to a brothel and each of them gets a girl and a room. The Englishman screws his girl, makes a tally mark on the headboard, then dozes off. He wakes up a bit later, screws her again, makes another tally mark, and dozes off again. An hour later he wakes up, pounds the girl a third time, and passes out, dead to the world. At dawn the Englishman is awoken by the Aussie bursting into the room. He sees at the headboard and says "One hundred and eleven? Damn it, you beat me by three!"
--
A guy is out for a walk on a nice summers" day. As he is walking down a country lane, a horse puts his head over the fence and says "I won the Grand National last year". He assumes he is hearing things, and continues on. The horse catches up with him, sticks its head over the fence, and says "I did, I won the Grand National last year". Assuming he is affected by the warm day, he walks a little faster. The horse catches him up and says "I did, I won the Grand National last year". As always in gags like this, the guy goes to the farmhouse and sees the farmer. "Do you know you have a talking horse in your field?" he says. " Oh yeah" says the farmer mockingly "What's he being saying to you?" "He told me he won the Grand National last year". The farmer says "He's a bloody liar, he came second".
--
Two magistrates were stopped and arrested for cycling home from the pub while drunk. They decided to hear each other's cases, so as to keep the penalties to the minimum. The first magistrate heard the second's case, and said "You know you shouldn't have done it, but as this is your first offence, I'll let you off with a caution" and then adjourned for lunch. When the second magistrate heard the first one's case, he fined his friend $1000. The first magistrate was furious and said "Why did you do that? I let you off with a caution". The second magistrate said "I had to make an example of you. This is the second case of drunk driving whilst in charge of a bicycle this court has heard today".
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A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide" the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?" "No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought 'I just paid $6,000' for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest'". "So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought 'I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth'". "So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought 'this is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger'".
--
A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter, a crate of champagne. By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time. After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to his rival and said with a little smile "I'm sorry, pal. I put all five shots in the wall". "I'm sorry, too" replied the other "because I put all of mine into your target".
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An airline starts a new concept of having a chef on board the plane. This demanding passenger walks up the aisle and tells the hostess "Let me get a cheeseburger, not too rare, not too well done, but right in the groove. Let me get some fries, not too crispy, not too burnt, but right in the groove. And while you're at it, throw in a shake, not too thin, not too thick, but right in groove". The hostess took down the order and came back five minutes later and told the man "The chef said you can kiss his arse. Not to the left, not to the right, but right in the groove.
--
A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose. "Why not?" asked the man. "Because it's not safe" replied the doctor. "But I need it really bad" said the man. "Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor. The man said "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose".
The doctor finally relented saying "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects". On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling. The doctor asked "What happened to you?" The man said "No one showed up".
--
One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever. The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof pad and pencil and wrote "Amazing! How are you able to stay this deep down without
equipment?" The guy took the pencil and pad, erased what the diver had written, and wrote "I'm drowning, you moron!"
--
I remember as a kid, my father got sacked from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home the signs were all there.
A guy has been drinking in the pub and decides to go to the gents. He's standing at the urinals beside a large coloured man and couldn't help noticing the size of his manhood. The white guy asked him how he got one that big. The coloured guy said it stemmed from his childhood where every male member of the tribe had a heavy rock tied to the end of it from the age of 5 until they were 21. The white guy said he would try that idea. About a month later the white guy was back in that pub and saw the black chap again who asked him how he was getting on. The white guy said "Well I took your idea and tied a rock to my willy and I'm half way there now" The black guy said "How do you mean you are half way there?" The white guy said "Well, it's turned black"
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I just lost my job as a landscape gardener. They said I was a little rough around the hedges.
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An Easterner was riding with a rancher over a blistering and almost barren stretch of West Texas, when a strange bird scurried in front of them. Asked by the Easterner what the bird was, the rancher replied "That's a bird of paradise". The stranger from the East rode on in silence for a moment, then said "Long way from home, isn't it?"
The Pope had become seriously ill and was taken to many doctors, none of whom could figure out how to cure him.
Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour's examination the physician came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news.
The bad news was that the pope had a rare disorder of the testicles, which if left untreated, would be fatal.
The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured, was to have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length.
Finally, they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation.
After some thought, the Pope stated "I agree, but under four conditions". The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over the noise a single voice asked "And what are the four conditions?"
The room went silent. There was a long pause.
The Pope replied "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex".
After much debate, the cardinals agreed. "Yes, we will find you a blind girl".
"Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex". Cardinals: "Okay, fine, we will find you a blind, deaf girl". What else?
"Third, she must be mute so that if she still figures out with whom she is having sex, she will not be able to tell anyone". The cardinals deliberated again and replied "Fine, it won't be easy but we want you to live, so we will find you a blind, deaf, dumb girl. What is your fourth condition?"
Perhaps due to his unfortunate name, and the trouble it brought, he had a great love of alcohol, particularly the rice wine Sake. Every day he would drink an entire bottle from his special stash that was rumoured to contain hundreds upon hundreds of bottles.
Tragedy struck however, upon finishing his daily bottle Fuk succumbed to alcohol poisoning, leaving behind his vast supply of drink and a not unreasonable amount of money.
Being a man with little time for family, he had no wife or children to whom his inheritance would go and only his little old mother and two brothers attended the funeral. To make matters worse, he had left no will, as he had died so suddenly. Of course, this caused confusion, and one day the brothers met to decide what should be done.
One brother began the conversation.
"So, you are aware that on his passing Fuk left behind all of his drink?" "Yes, and I think I would very much like that. Take the money if you wish, I do not need it".
At this, the first brother scoffed.
"I was going to say the same, brother. How are we to settle this?"
And the second proposed an idea. Since they were both men of the mind so to speak, they decided to play a game of chess to make the choice of who received the coveted sake. They sat down, and began to play.
Their mother arrived, and seeing the two brothers in such a frenzy of competition, she spoke.
"Boys, what is going on?" The first brother looks over, saying "A competition mother".
She waits and watches as the brothers make their moves in silence.
Eventually, she strikes up the nerve to speak again. "Why must you compete so, right after the death of your brother? Have you no shame?" The second brother turns his head, ripping his eyes away from the game for a precious second "We are vying for what we may inherit, mother, now please be silent and allow us our thoughts".
The brothers continued to play, getting more and more stressed. Beads of sweat fell down the face of each, backs hunched towards the board, eyes locked to the pieces in confrontation. Eventually, the game is nearly won, and both are in a position to take the other.
Their mother pipes up a third time, just as the first brother is about to move "What are you even competing for; that is so important you must fight so?"
The first brother's hand slips, misplacing his queen, and the second brother cries out in triumph, putting his king in checkmate.
The first brother turns, and stares at her "For fuks sake mother!"
Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful
The first brother is the strongest. "Watch this" he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.
"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed. "You see that mansion over there?" "Yeah?" "Well, I went over there and sucked each and every last family member dry. They are all dead". "Wow!" his brothers say. "As expected, for you are the strongest".
The second brother to go is the oldest. "Watch and learn, boys" he says, and takes off even quicker, at 150 miles per hour. Five minutes later, he returns, both his mouth and his neck covered in blood.
"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed. "You see that village over there?" "Yeah?" they said. "Well I went over there and killed every last person in the entire village. There is not one left alive". "Wow!" his brothers say in awe. "As expected, for you are the oldest and have the most experience".
The third brother is the fastest. Not to be outdone, he says "Watch this, and don't blink or you might miss it". He flies off, faster than the rest of them, going at *least* 200mph. In only ten seconds, he returns. His entire mouth, nose, and neck are covered in so much blood, it stains the front of his shirt.
"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed. "You see that giant tree over there?" "Yeah...?" "Well I fucking didn't!"
I have a son who's on the spectrum. It's quite common for people like him to latch onto one specific topic and become an absolute encyclopedia about it. Some people choose trains, some a cartoon. For my son, this was molluscs. Interesting topic I know, but it seemed to be a pretty good deal for us because it meant he'd get really excited about going outside to the beach which we figured was healthier than staying inside all the time. He'd always have a shell with him, or in his pocket. Usually, he doesn't want to talk much, but if you opened the conversation to it, he'd sit there rattling off facts about molluscs for hours.
This was shaping up to be a long-term passion, so for his 15th birthday I went out and bought him a giant conch shell. He absolutely loved it. The texture, holding it to his ear etc. It was too big to carry around with him all the time, but he kept it by his bed.
Fast forward three years, this is where things get weird. About a month ago I was cleaning his room and picked up the conch to dust it off, something I've never actually done before. I was immediately hit by a terrible smell. I don't want to get too into the gross details but I'm a dude, a once 18-year-old dude, so I know what happens when you use something to masturbate and don't clean it. I'm sure we all know what that smells like even after a week. It was pretty clear he had been using this shell as a kind of 'fleshlight' for a long, long time without cleaning it.
I'm not going to share too much about what happened when this all came to light, but we tried taking it away and my god you'd think we just took his whole world. We decided to give the shell back, but worried this reflected a deeper issue my partner and I decided to get some professional help.
So it's been about a month of him seeing a behavioural therapist, and she recently asked me about his progress at home. I told her it's been incredibly promising so far. He's really starting to come out of his shell.
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There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females.
He hired a French guy who didn't speak much English, but was a very good worker. After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the leftover parts', but the sheep farmer yelled "No! Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them. They're delicious. We call them 'sheep fries'".
Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper, and indeed the 'sheep fries' were tasty.
The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the following evening they all settled down to another supper of 'sheep fries'.
The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his wife where the French hired hand was, and she said "You know, it's the weirdest thing! I told him since there weren't very many 'sheep fries' this evening, we were also going to have French fries, and he ran like hell!"
A bar is testing out an innovative new exchange system.
The bar owner has noticed a relatively major problem in her area - people come in to drink, and when they are ready to head out, they feel obligated to finish the drink they paid for. This little bit is enough to push many patrons past their limit and the bar owner wants to do something to encourage responsible drinking.
The owner decides that she is going to introduce an exchange system. She decides that any patron of her bar will be able to leave an unfinished drink at a designated spot on the counter, and if they can currently spare it, they will give the customer a free small food item in place of the unfinished drink.
They test out the system at the bar, and overall, it's a resounding success! The one issue that is brought up is that people want to be able to choose their food items rather than having the bar choose for them. The bar owner decides to address this by giving her bartenders authority over deciding if someone can request a certain item or not, and that it can depend on how much is left in their drink so that the system does not get taken advantage of.
Around that time, a group of friends is visiting the bar. They are having a great time, drinking, laughing, and even doing a little bit of singing.
The time comes for the group to head out, and one of the members has a bit of whiskey left in his glass. He knows that if he finishes that last bit, he's going to regret it in the morning. He gets ready to just leave it on the table and head out when one of his friends stops him and tells him about the exchange system.
The bar is known to have the most amazing fried onion around. Though small, it's perfectly dark golden brown with a glistening thick texture that breaks perfectly into your mouth with a satisfying crispness on each bite.
The man decides he is going to request that fried onion in exchange for what is left in his glass. It's not a lot of whiskey, but it's at least a few sips worth.
The group watches as he walks up to the bar and leaves his glass at the designated spot on the counter for exchanges. They watch as the bartender on duty walks over and begins a conversation. They can immediately tell by the body language it's not going as planned. The conversation ends as the man tries to find out just how much whiskey he would have needed to be able to obtain that amazing fried onion.
He returns to his group empty-handed to inform them of the result.
"Well" he says to his friends with a sigh "It was worth a shot".
An elderly Expat and his Thai wife are both having problems remembering things.
During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure".
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it". "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?" He says "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries".
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks. Irritated, he says "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I got it, for goodness' sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment "Where's my fucking toast?"
She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up, she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop.
She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband.
Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!"
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed. The lady doctor then chuckled and said "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought".
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Three racehorses and a racing dog are together after a day of racing.
The first horse says "You guys won't believe what happed to me in the race today! I was taking my time at the race I was like 12th or 13th not caring too much. And then I suddenly felt a sting on my arse, I sprang forward and before I realised, I fished the race 1st".
The second horse says "No way, the same thing happened to me! I was taking my time at the race I was like 17th or 18th not trying at all. And then I suddenly felt a sting on my ass, I sprang forward and before I realized I fished the race 1st. "
The third horse says "OMG! the same thing happened to me! I was taking my time at the race I was last not giving a shit at all. And then I suddenly felt a sting on my ass, I sprang forward and before I realized I fished the race 1st".
Then the dog says "I can't believe it! the same thing happened to me! I was at the race and the other dogs were chasing that fake bunny, but I know it's fake, so I don't care and I was last. And then I suddenly felt a sting on my ass, I sprang forward and before I realized I fished the race 1st".
The first horse says "HOLY SHIT GUYS! LOOK AT THAT! A talking dog!"
Once upon a time an elderly couple ventured to an old town with not many inhabitants.
The town being located fairly high up north as well as the harsh winter season led to it not being the most prosperous place at the current time. Everyone there was cold, hungry and they mainly kept to their own.
They went to the baker and asked to purchase some pastries which he gladly sold them. They spoke for a bit and after a while he recommended they go see the local pub.
After a couple drinks a man entered the bar. He was the town's bee keeper, and understandably the weather was a pure nightmare for him. He was out of a job due to all his bees having died over the cold winter. They invited him to their table and after a few more drinks they became friends.
Later that night the couple decided that they were going to host a competition as a way to try and bring the townsfolk together, and they figured the only competition able to take place somewhere this cold was an Ice Sculpture beauty contest.
Said and done they pitched the idea to the mayor, invested some of their money into a first prize and informed the townsfolk.
Funnily enough the 3 people participating ended up being the Baker, Bee keeper and the Barman.
They all brought one lucky charm each. The Baker brought a delicious cinnamon bun he had on a plate, the Bee Keeper brought his last living bee and was holding it in his hand the entire time, and the Barman of course brought a pint of beer.
The competition started and they all started going at their blocks of ice. The Baker, being a sportsman made a perfect copy of Aragorn during the battle of Minas Tirith. It surely was one of the coolest sculptures the couple had ever seen. The Bee Keeper, still holding his bee created a masterpiece that looked like a frozen lake in the woods. It used the glimmer of the sun to sparkle a flat area that completely took everyone by surprise. The Barman, being already a professional ice sculptor created an incredibly complex shape that looked like a tornado being twisted into the ground.
The couple thought for a second and then declared the frozen lake to be the winner. Both the others protested vividly, but the couple reminded them that it was a beauty contest after all. Whilst the Baker had the coolest project and the Barman had the most complex there was no doubt, that beauty was in the ice of the bee holder.
An old man goes to Heaven and sitting at the reception desk is Jesus, who calls the man forward.
He says "Old man, welcome to Heaven. I have to take some details - could you please tell me your name?" The old man says "My name is Joseph". And Jesus says "Well there's a coincidence, when I was on earth my father's name was Joseph.
And the old man says "Well I had a little boy, you know, he'd be about your age by now". And Jesus says "Well how extraordinary... I left home when I was quite young".
And the old man says "Yes, my little boy left home when he was young. He went away with his friends, they got involved in magic and other mystical stuff".
And Jesus says "Another coincidence - how extraordinary, that's exactly what happened to me. Tell me, what was your job when you were back on Earth?" The old man says "I was a carpenter".
Jesus says "Well, that's an amazing coincidence, that was my father's job too... you don't think that you and I could be..."
Then old man says "No you see, my little boy was not born like ordinary boys". Jesus says "That's how it was with me".
The old man says "Look, I would know my little boy anywhere, you see he has these little holes in his hands and feet". Jesus says: "You mean like THIS!?" as he holds up his hands.
And the old man says "I can't believe it". Jesus says "You must believe it - so many coincidences, you must be my Earthly father Joseph". And the old man says "And you must be my little boy - Pinocchio!"
Well folks that is update done AND dusted. How bout dah?
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. They're everything you ever wanted... plus quite a lot you didn’t know you did. So there's that.
-Next update will be next Thursday. On the off chance its not, that means something has happened. I can't imagine what that might be but only fair that I warn everyone.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll punch off your dicks.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
Welcome to someday, if you're lucky, you will be old.
I had this whole rant written about not understanding why the whole trans thing has taken off lately. Not joking, my FB newsfeed this week has basically been endless news about trans this and that and them and they. I would have made the point that for how much we hear about it these days, I don't know a single person that has or is transitioned. Not one. Honestly my life isn't THAT insular. Where are they all? But sure enough FB and the news and TV and whatever think I need to know everything about trans people wanting to play sport and guys wearing dresses to awards shows. But... by doing any of that I'm contributing to the problem that annoys me so... and I won't be that big, dumb, hypocritical guy. SO... go forth and embark on this big, beautiful new update. There's a buttload of everything that will make your day way better. That's what I do. Check it...
Every woman is Bi. You just have to figure out if it is polar or sexual.
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I know we're all supposed to be tolerant of people from other cultures, but is it too much to ask that Asian waiters learn that all Caucasians don't look alike? My waiter just served my food to some other customer! Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.
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A man, at a routine check-up, is diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. Doctor: "I'm sorry. At this stage, the cancer has spread too far for us to stop. Our treatments will only postpone the inevitable". Patient: "Doc, please! Isn't there anything- anything at all- that you can do?" Doctor: "Well... there is one thing. I don't know if it'll help, though". Patient: "I'm begging you man, please!" The doctor sighs, stands up, and grabs an unmarked bottle from one of his cabinets. He pours a small amount into a glass and hands it to the patient. Doctor: "Now, when I turn off the lights, drink this as fast as you can". The doctor switches off the lights and the patient eagerly gulps it up, then coughs, surprised. Patient: "Wait, is this... whiskey? How is this supposed to cure me?" Doctor: "I'm sorry. It was a shot in the dark".
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A new captain becomes leader of a company of soldiers. As he goes about learning everything on how they do things he finds two soldiers guarding a bench. He asks his sergeants why they're guarding the bench and they say the previous commander ordered it. He calls the previous commander up, now a major, asking why he did that and the Major said it's because the previous commander ordered it. So he calls that commander, now a Lt. Colonel asking why he ordered it; gets the same answer that it was ordered by the previous commander. The Captain goes through this song and dance a couple more times before he gets a hold of an old retired 4 star General. He politely calls him up and asks him why he ordered his men to guard this bench that all the commanders since then have maintained the tradition. The old retired General goes "Wait, is the paint still wet?"
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I had to steal something to stir my pancake batter with. It's a whisk I was willing to take.
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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning". Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear" replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong". She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along
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A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Toxteth and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides. When he finished, he said, in farewell "I hope you get better". One elderly gentleman replied "I hope you get better, too".
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My friend and I are having a competition to see who can steal the most items from the pet shop. I've just taken the lead.
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Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge. They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out". "Very well, then" says God "let us see if Jesus fared any better". Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?" God smiled all-knowingly "Jesus saves".
--
A Welsh man is walking through a field, when he sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand. The Welsh man shouts "Paid a yfed y dwr mae'r gwartheg yn cachu yn y Dwr" (Don't drink the water, it's full of cow poo). The man shouts back "I'm English; Speak English, I don't understand you". The Welsh man shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in".
I was walking down the street and I saw these two blokes wearing matching outfits, right down to the same belts. I yelled out "Hey dickheads, do you know you're wearing the exact same clothes today?" Then they arrested me!
--
A woman buys a new closet, which gets delivered home and assembled by a technician. As the job is done, she thanks him and he leaves. Unfortunately, their house is located right next to a railway, and as soon as a train passes by, the new closet falls into pieces from the vibrations. The woman calls the manufacturer to send that technician again. The technician returns, re-assembles the closet and apologises for the inconvenience, then leaves again. Of course, with the next train, the disaster repeats. This time, the technician decides to stand inside the problematic closet in order to observe what exactly is happening when it breaks. Soon after, the woman's husband returns home from work, earlier than usual. Irritated by an unfamiliar car in the parkway, he rushes in, only to find his wife in the bedroom in the middle of the day. Angrily, he opens the closet and asks what the hell this guy is doing in there. "Well, believe it or not, I'm waiting for the train".
--
A couple had been trying for a baby for a few years without any luck. Eventually they
saw a specialist who said there was a new system to help them. It involved an injection of monkey glands. Within weeks the wife was pregnant. On the day of the birth the father was anxious to see his first born and asked the doctor was it a boy or a girl. "We're not sure just yet". The doctor replied. "We're still waiting it to come down form the chandelier".
--
Paddy hates his wife's cat so much that one day he drove to the next town and dumps the cat.
But when he reaches home, the cat is there. So the next day he drives 50 miles away and dumps it in the middle of nowhere. Lo and behold, when he gets home the cat is there. The next day, determined to get rid of the cat once and for all, he drives to the other side of the country and dumps the cat. 6 hours later, he phones his wife and asks is the cat there. Paddy's wife said "Yes, why?" "Put the damn thing on the phone... I'm fucking lost!!"
The trainee competition judge arrived at the village fair.
He meets his mentor at the entrance. "Nice to meet, nice to meet, nice to meet you" stammers the mentor. "Forgive my, forgive my, forgive my speech impediment". "Please, don't worry about it" says the trainee.
They head off to judge the villagers' chilli peppers. They come to the first chilli pepper, and the mentor instructs the trainee that they will begin by checking the colour.
"How can I judge the colour?" the trainee asks, looking puzzled. The mentor reaches into his bag and takes out a pair of colour charts, one with shades of green and another with shades of red. The first pepper is red, so he hands the red chart to the trainee and says "Use this colour, use this colour, use this colour chart".
The trainee holds the pepper against the shades of red on the chart and sees that it's a lovely deep red, scoring full marks. He writes down the score and the mentor instructs him to check how spicy it is.
"I have no clue how to do that " says the trainee. The mentor once again goes into his bag, takes out a sharp knife and cuts a tiny sliver of the pepper off, handing it to the trainee. "Put this on your, put this on your, put this on your tongue" he says impatiently.
The trainee puts the tiny piece of pepper on his tongue and instantly reacts with a yelp. His eyes are watering and he gestures for a drink of water. Once again, he gives the pepper full marks for spiciness. The mentor gives the instruction to the trainee to award a final score for the size of the pepper.
"But how does one measure a red, hot chili pepper?" he asks, to which the mentor takes out a set of scales from his bag and replies "Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!"
He had a souped-up little dragster he pieced together himself. It was an old Honda, sure, but this guy had tuned it to perfection. Not only that, he'd squeezed every ounce of horsepower out of it possible - straight pipes, turbo, the works.
There's a straightaway on a back road where all the local guys go to race. Every weekend, this guy crushed the competition. Like clockwork, the checkered flag girl would make her way between the racers, the cars would inch into place and with the wave of a flag they'd be off. Our local hot shot would toy with the new guys, then hit the next gear and win by a mile.
This went on for weeks, until it got to the point that nobody would race the guy, right?
One fateful weekend, a challenger stepped up. Literally. Little Italian guy in a driver's cap and suspenders. He arrived via taxi, walked up to our guy, and challenged him to a race. Hot shot looks him up and down, laughs, and says "In what car?" "I can beat you on foot, easy-peasy. Never lost a race".
Now, our hot shot was clearly sceptical of that claim. He wanted to laugh, but come on. He'd never lost a race before, and if this guy had the moxie to put his own record on the line, he had to at least put on a show, right?
So, the challenge was accepted. The flag girl beckoned that souped-up Honda into place, and right alongside it came the challenger on foot. Hot shot figures hey, I'll humour this guy. He revs his engine, whips the crowd into a fury, all the while our Italian Stallion runs through a few stretches and double-checks his laces.
The flag was raised...
Dropped...
And the Honda *takes off*.
For all the showmanship that went into the prep, this was still a race and hot shot there had no intention of losing. He'd put this guy in his place, keep his trophy for another weekend, and be home in time for supper.
Until he looks in his mirror.
And wouldn't you know, that little Italian guy with the suspenders and driver's cap was hot on his tail!
Baffled, hot shot puts it into 4th and slams the gas His engine was roaring, his odometer was redlining, there was no way this guy was keeping up!
And through that smoke and noise was the silhouette of, you guessed it, that challenger sprinting right behind.
Now, hot shot started to get worried. He couldn't believe it, but seeing was believing: this guy was gaining on him, right? So he's pushing his engine to the max, and he doesn't have much left to give. He puts it into 6th and floors the accelerator. 60.. 70... 80...
And right behind him like glue was our challenger.
The finish line was approaching fast and the Honda's speed had stalled.
Our challenger was right alongside this Honda.
Neck and neck...
Until...
*BOOM!*
An incredible cloud of smoke erupts with the smell of burning rubber and cloth from the challenger!
The hot shot was so surprised he hit the brakes and power slid to turn around. He was met with a sight he couldn't even begin to comprehend - smoke and dust were absolutely everywhere. Hanging from a light pole was a pair of suspenders; stuck against a jersey barrier was the Italian dude's moustache, and blown to smithereens and raining like confetti was his little driver's cap. The Challenger himself was left sitting flat on his arse, covered in soot and with one foot bare.
Hot shot jumps out of his car to check on him. He might be cocky but even he's got to care for a fellow competitor!
He runs up and asks him "Holy smokes, what happened to you, man??" Our Italian guy looks up, chuckles, and says "Ever blow a sneaker going ninety?"
One warm autumn day a man walks into the patent office and slams a stack of papers down triumphantly.
"I've bred apples that taste like different fruits, and furthermore, each half of an apple tastes different!"
The patent clerk looks up in boredom "Sure, sure... but I need to verify the truthfulness of this claim. Anyone could falsify papers! May I try these apples in person?" Even though the clerk was clearly sceptical, the man nods and says "Follow me to my orchard!"
Once there, the man brought the patent clerk to the rows dedicated to the different flavours of apple. One row was marked with a picture of a banana and a mango, one had a picture of a blueberry and a pomegranate, on and on down the line. The man picks the best of each flavour and hands them to the clerk.
"Take a bite from the side closest to you". The clerk exclaims "This tastes exactly like watermelon! What's the other flavour?" The man says "Cherry. Turn it a bit". The clerk turns the apple and takes a bite from the unbutton half, and is again amazed at the taste.
They go through the apple flavours like this for a while. "This could be the juiciest mango in the world, if not for the texture!" "Turn it a bit".
And so on and so forth until the clerk is nearly breathless with amazement.
"Do you have any idea how fantastic this is? Some of those apples tasted better than the actual fruit! We need to get your patent filed immediately!" The man smiles and beckons the clerk to lean in before whispering "Look, if you're interested in it, I also have an apple that tastes like the sweetest vag you've ever dreamed of. Follow me and I'll give you a couple to take home".
The clerk nods and follows the man in stunned amazement, excitement growing as they went further and further towards a more neglected section of the orchard, where a single apple tree stood.
The man hands the clerk an apple and says "Go on, take a bite".
The patent clerk is practically shaking in anticipation and excitement at this point, but he manages to calm down, take a deep breath, then bite into it. After a couple seconds of chewing, he spits it onto the ground and says "My God, I hope it's still in development, because that tasted like utter shit!" "Oh, sorry" said the man "just turn it a bit".
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news". "Well" says the bloke "I guess I'd better have the bad news first". The Sarge says "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five metres in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead".
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good-sized crayfish and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share".
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
"Geez, thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... so what's the other possible good news?" "Well" the Sarge says "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!"
BEER MADE THEM DO IT... AND I SEE NO PROBLEM WITH THAT!
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A young man inherited a stately manor from his uncle after his untimely passing.
The man's uncle was in reasonably good health, but was found dead in his library. His body bore signs of poisoning, but there was no one else with him the night of his death and no poison was found in his system or on the premises.
The manor sat isolated atop a hill overlooking a quiet town. The winding road to the manor was steep and the path ill-maintained. Most of the townsfolk avoided the place altogether, as it was said to be haunted by a terrible ghost whose curse took the life of the young man's uncle.
Nevertheless, the young man wasn't going to turn down his inheritance, and decided to move there.
On his first day there, the young man began exploring his new abode and stumbled across a room filled with books in countless languages, some more akin to obscure hieroglyphs than words. Countless baubles and curios in the room greeted his curiosity.
Foreign coins whose faces appeared faded with the passage of time laid in a box upon the mantle. Strangely coloured stones veined with metals the young man couldn't identify sat upon a desk next to a magnifying glass. Manuscripts depicting seemingly arcane alchemical recipes in hastily arranged piles were stacked by differently sized vials and jars, various sinister looking specimens suspended therein.
As he continued, his gaze rested upon a golden figure of a snake, coiled and poised to strike, eyes transfixed on his own. Then the truth of this room dawned upon the man. It was the very same room in which his uncle was found dead!
The impenetrable silence in the room was shattered by the phone ringing loudly on the desk. Hesitantly, eyes sceptically glued to the snake, the young man reached for the phone, cleared his throat and stammered "H-h-hello?" The voice on the phone sounded haggard and sickly "I am The Viper, and I will see you in one hour..." to which the young man hastily jammed the phone back onto its receiver. He ran for the door, his mind racing! After catching his breath and deciding he was merely imagining things, the man had several drinks, settling his nerves and lulling him into a light sleep.
The phone rang again, rousing the man "I am The Viper, and I will see you in 15 minutes!" The man was not imagining things! He looked out through a layer of grime on the window as the sun threatened to set, amber light skimming bare treetops shifting to a deep red. The man called the police for help, explaining his predicament and was informed that help would arrive in 15 minutes.
15 minutes passed, and again the phone rang. Expecting the police, the man picked up the phone "I am The Viper, and I am here to see you!" The voice was accompanied by a *KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK* from the front door.
The young man, terrified for his life, glanced feebly through the peephole, silently praying for officers at his door. Instead, he saw an old, gaunt, red nosed man with several buckets and squeegees, lit cigarette between his thin lips.
The man opened the door and was greeted with "I am The Viper, sir. I vent from town to here to vipe your vindows! Vere should I start?"
30 THINGS GIRLS WITH SMALL BOOBS CAN DEFINITELY DO...
Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful
The first brother is the strongest. "Watch this" he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.
"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed. "You see that mansion over there?" "Yeah?" "Well, I went over there and sucked each and every last family member dry. They are all dead". "Wow!" his brothers say. "As expected, for you are the strongest".
The second brother to go is the oldest. "Watch and learn, boys" he says, and takes off even quicker, at 150 miles per hour. Five minutes later, he returns, both his mouth and his neck covered in blood.
"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed. "You see that village over there?" "Yeah?" they said. "Well I went over there and killed every last person in the entire village. There is not one left alive". "Wow!" his brothers say in awe. "As expected, for you are the oldest and have the most experience".
The third brother is the fastest. Not to be outdone, he says "Watch this, and don't blink or you might miss it". He flies off, faster than the rest of them, going at *least* 200mph. In only ten seconds, he returns. His entire mouth, nose, and neck are covered in so much blood, it stains the front of his shirt.
"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed. "You see that giant tree over there?" "Yeah...?" "Well I fucking didn't!"
Perhaps due to his unfortunate name, and the trouble it brought, he had a great love of alcohol, particularly the rice wine Sake. Every day he would drink an entire bottle from his special stash that was rumoured to contain hundreds upon hundreds of bottles.
Tragedy struck however, upon finishing his daily bottle Fuk succumbed to alcohol poisoning, leaving behind his vast supply of drink and a not unreasonable amount of money.
Being a man with little time for family, he had no wife or children to whom his inheritance would go and only his little old mother and two brothers attended the funeral. To make matters worse, he had left no will, as he had died so suddenly. Of course, this caused confusion, and one day the brothers met to decide what should be done.
One brother began the conversation.
"So, you are aware that on his passing Fuk left behind all of his drink?" "Yes, and I think I would very much like that. Take the money if you wish, I do not need it".
At this, the first brother scoffed.
"I was going to say the same, brother. How are we to settle this?"
And the second proposed an idea. Since they were both men of the mind so to speak, they decided to play a game of chess to make the choice of who received the coveted sake. They sat down, and began to play.
Their mother arrived, and seeing the two brothers in such a frenzy of competition, she spoke.
"Boys, what is going on?" The first brother looks over, saying "A competition mother".
She waits and watches as the brothers make their moves in silence.
Eventually, she strikes up the nerve to speak again. "Why must you compete so, right after the death of your brother? Have you no shame?" The second brother turns his head, ripping his eyes away from the game for a precious second "We are vying for what we may inherit, mother, now please be silent and allow us our thoughts".
The brothers continued to play, getting more and more stressed. Beads of sweat fell down the face of each, backs hunched towards the board, eyes locked to the pieces in confrontation. Eventually, the game is nearly won, and both are in a position to take the other.
Their mother pipes up a third time, just as the first brother is about to move "What are you even competing for; that is so important you must fight so?"
The first brother's hand slips, misplacing his queen, and the second brother cries out in triumph, putting his king in checkmate.
The first brother turns, and stares at her "For fuks sake mother!"
An elderly man and his wife are both having problems remembering things.
During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure".
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it". "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?" He says "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries".
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks. Irritated, he says "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I got it, for goodness' sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment "Where's my fucking toast?"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A bar is testing out an innovative new exchange system.
The bar owner has noticed a relatively major problem in her area - people come in to drink, and when they are ready to head out, they feel obligated to finish the drink they paid for. This little bit is enough to push many patrons past their limit and the bar owner wants to do something to encourage responsible drinking.
The owner decides that she is going to introduce an exchange system. She decides that any patron of her bar will be able to leave an unfinished drink at a designated spot on the counter, and if they can currently spare it, they will give the customer a free small food item in place of the unfinished drink.
They test out the system at the bar, and overall, it's a resounding success! The one issue that is brought up is that people want to be able to choose their food items rather than having the bar choose for them. The bar owner decides to address this by giving her bartenders authority over deciding if someone can request a certain item or not, and that it can depend on how much is left in their drink so that the system does not get taken advantage of.
Around that time, a group of friends is visiting the bar. They are having a great time, drinking, laughing, and even doing a little bit of singing.
The time comes for the group to head out, and one of the members has a bit of whiskey left in his glass. He knows that if he finishes that last bit, he's going to regret it in the morning. He gets ready to just leave it on the table and head out when one of his friends stops him and tells him about the exchange system.
The bar is known to have the most amazing fried onion around. Though small, it's perfectly dark golden brown with a glistening thick texture that breaks perfectly into your mouth with a satisfying crispness on each bite.
The man decides he is going to request that fried onion in exchange for what is left in his glass. It's not a lot of whiskey, but it's at least a few sips worth.
The group watches as he walks up to the bar and leaves his glass at the designated spot on the counter for exchanges. They watch as the bartender on duty walks over and begins a conversation. They can immediately tell by the body language it's not going as planned. The conversation ends as the man tries to find out just how much whiskey he would have needed to be able to obtain that amazing fried onion.
He returns to his group empty-handed to inform them of the result.
"Well" he says to his friends with a sigh "It was worth a shot".
I have a son who's on the spectrum. It's quite common for people like him to latch onto one specific topic and become an absolute encyclopedia about it. Some people choose trains, some a cartoon. For my son, this was molluscs. Interesting topic I know, but it seemed to be a pretty good deal for us because it meant he'd get really excited about going outside to the beach which we figured was healthier than staying inside all the time. He'd always have a shell with him, or in his pocket. Usually, he doesn't want to talk much, but if you opened the conversation to it, he'd sit there rattling off facts about molluscs for hours.
This was shaping up to be a long-term passion, so for his 15th birthday I went out and bought him a giant conch shell. He absolutely loved it. The texture, holding it to his ear etc. It was too big to carry around with him all the time, but he kept it by his bed.
Fast forward three years, this is where things get weird. About a month ago I was cleaning his room and picked up the conch to dust it off, something I've never actually done before. I was immediately hit by a terrible smell. I don't want to get too into the gross details but I'm a dude, a once 18-year-old dude, so I know what happens when you use something to masturbate and don't clean it. I'm sure we all know what that smells like even after a week. It was pretty clear he had been using this shell as a kind of 'fleshlight' for a long, long time without cleaning it.
I'm not going to share too much about what happened when this all came to light, but we tried taking it away and my god you'd think we just took his whole world. We decided to give the shell back, but worried this reflected a deeper issue my partner and I decided to get some professional help.
So it's been about a month of him seeing a behavioural therapist, and she recently asked me about his progress at home. I told her it's been incredibly promising so far. He's really starting to come out of his shell.
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide" the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?" "No, Silly!" the blonde said.
"First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought 'I just paid $6,000' for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest'".
"So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought 'I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth'".
"So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought 'this is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger'".
-Follow me on Facebook. Should I kill it? I should kill it. Despite best intentions I never have the time to keep it updated. Thoughts?
-Check out the archives. See what one person described as "Better than being kicked in the dick".
-Next update will be next Thursday. Do you know even where that is?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll bomb your embassy.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
Of course this is the season for it but still. A couple of weeks ago I picked up my first cold. Just as that cleared up, like maybe the next day, along comes the next one. Then yesterday I got the flu jab which seems to have compounded things. In other words, this has been a harder week than I'd have liked and sitting in front of the computer has had its moments. All the coughing and head pounding stuff - not exactly conducive to productivity. The best way to deal with this -obviously- was to compile a very fucking substantial update. There are 108 new videos, a lot of jokes, babes, RS, a whole bunch of stuff to keep you guys occupied for the next week... which should be just long enough for me to be on to whatever the next virus to come home from daycare is. Check it...
A bloke goes for a job on board a cruise ship. The captain asks him if he has had any experience at sea. He says "No, but I'm honest". so the captain takes him on. Three weeks into the journey the honest man is mopping the decks when a big wave takes him overboard. The first mate ran into the captain and says "You know the bloke you took on, the honest one. Well, he's just pissed off with our mop!"
--
Three woman we're gossiping about their sex lives. "I noticed some time ago" said the first one about her boyfriend "that Max's balls are cold while giving him a BJ". "That's funny" says the second one. "I noticed the same thing with Tony's balls!" The third one says "I never really paid attention to that. I'm gonna try it out with John tonight". The next day during lunch the women met again. The third one came in bawling her eyes out. "What happened?" ask the other two. "John broke up with me" she responded. "But why?" asked her friends. "I don't know" she says. "All I did was tell him after sex how weird it was that his balls were warm during the blow job, while Max's and Tony's were cold!"
--
Two old men meet on a street corner. The first old man said "Where have you been for the last couple of months?" The second old man replied "I was in jail". The first old man asked "You were in jail? Why were you in jail?" He replied "Well, about two months ago I was standing on a corner, and this beautiful young woman rushes up with a policeman, points to me and says 'He is the man, officer, he is the one who attacked and raped me'". The first old man said "What? And you let her get away with it?" Second old guy replied "Well, I'll tell you, I felt so flattered, I admitted to it".
--
The mushroom sat quietly depressed sipping his beer. The bartender grew curious, a slow night and all that, so he struck up with the mushroom about why he was so depressed. The mushroom replied "Earlier I saw the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I was totally taken with her. She was green and round and a gorgeous apple. I have never seen anyone so stunning". "And?" The bartender prompted, guessing where this was going. "So I introduced myself and I got her to laugh and smile, but when tried to get her number, she turned sour. She told me no". Nodding the bartender thought he knew why. "Yeah" the mushroom continued "she said I'd spoil her too rotten too fast because I am too much of a fun guy".
--
A man walks into a bar and he's really pissed off. The bartender gives him a drink and asks what the problem. All he says is "All lawyers are arseholes". A man sitting in the corner shouts "I take offense to that!" The pissed-off guy asks him "Why? Are you a lawyer?" He replies "No, I am an arsehole".
--
There is a new dog in the house. Sally, she's an 8-week-old German Shepherd. I bought Sally as a surprise for my wife but it turns out she is allergic to dogs so we are now looking to find her a new home. She is 55-years-old, an attractive and caring woman who drives, is a great cook and keeps a clean house.
--
I've been working with a cannibal tribe in Papua New Guinea for a while, and I've recently persuaded them to go vegan. They love 'em.
--
Three college graduates met in McDonald's, and the engineering major said "Did you see the new wind turbines going up on the east side of town? They had asked our class to run some stress studies during windstorms as an exercise". "Yes" the geology graduate said "They also contacted us, about the bedrock depth for foundations". The Liberal Arts major turned to him and said "Do you want fries with that?"
--
Jack suffered from terrible unrelenting migraines. He'd been to all kind of doctors with no avail. Finally, he consulted a very controversial migraine specialist. Doctor: "I know what you're feeling. It's a throbbing sensation in your temples that just doesn't quit. I used to suffer from such headaches too. The best thing for this is oral sex! I would go down on my wife and as she orgasmed, her legs would grip my head like a vice. A couple of sessions and I was cured of the headaches". Jack was pleasantly surprised at the suggested method and went home determined to try it. A week later, Jack returned to the doctor, cured of his headaches, a new man. Jack: "Doc, your advice worked like a charm. My headaches are gone. I no longer feel suicidal. And I have to say, you have a lovely home".
--
Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. Said the mysterious old woman "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future". Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said "I can see that you have no girlfriend". "That's true" said Paul. "Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?" "Yes" Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?" "Love line? No, from the calluses".
--
A young couple got married and went on a cruise for their honeymoon. When they got back home the bride immediately called her mum, who lived three hours away. "Well, darling" said her mum "How was your honeymoon?" "It was wonderful, and so romantic. We had a great time" said the bride, but as soon as we got home he started using really horrible language. Words I have never heard before. Really horrible four-letter words! You've got to come get me... PLEASE". Then the bride began to sob over the phone. "PLEASE, mum come get me!" begged the bride. "But honey what did he say, what 4-letter words, you have to tell me what's troubling you" said her mum. Still sobbing the bride said to her mother... "Words like.... DUST, IRON, COOK, WASH!"
--
The police arrive to find two Irishmen with a dead Pakistani. The Police ask "Do you know how this man died?" The Irishmen reply "No we don't know anything about the man!" The police then ask,
"Do you know what his name was?" The Irishmen reply again, and they say "I told you I don't know anything about the man! We just went drinking with him a lot but never knew anything about him. All I know is that he has two arseholes". The police asked in shock "Are you sure he had two arseholes?" The Irishmen replied "We're absolutely certain. Every time we went to a bar with him, the barman would always say 'Look! There's the Pakistani with those two arseholes!'"
Two hardcore Trump supporters die and ascend to heaven. God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says "Yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?". God says "My son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232". After a few seconds of stunned silence, the one guy turns to the other and whispers "This goes higher than we thought!"
--
How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID FUCKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS ... what was the question again?
--
Three blondes are undergoing a maths test. The examiner asks the first blonde "What is 4 x 4?" To which the blonde replies "36". He asks the second blonde "What is 4 x 4?" To which the second one replies "Saturday". Shaking his head he asks the third blonde "What is 4 x 4?" The third blonde replies "16". "Very good" said the examiner. "Now tell those other two how you reached that conclusion". "Easy" she said "I just subtracted Saturday from 36".
His name is Frank, and he's a really nice guy and an excellent bowler, but there's just one thing about him. At the end of every game, Frank says "Next game, I might be five minutes late".
The rest of us guys find it really annoying. He almost always shows up right on time, but still, he always says "Next game, I might be five minutes late".
One day we decided that we wanted to find out why he always said that. Our captain went up to Frank just as he had bowled a strike, when he noticed something that made him forget about the five-minutes-late-thing.
"Frank" he said "are you bowling left-handed today?" "That I am".
"I could have sworn you bowled right-handed at our last game!" "That I did".
For the rest of the game, and for each game over the next few weeks, all that the rest of us could talk about was the hand Frank was using to bowl.
"He's bowling righty today!" "I remembered he bowled lefty at his first game!"
"Could he be alternating hands?" "No, I remember last month he bowled three games righty in a row!"
Finally, the captain decided to ask Frank how he decided which hand to bowl with. "Simple" replied Frank. "Every morning, when I wake up, I look at my girlfriend. If she's lying on her left side, I bowl lefty. If she's lying on her right side, I bowl righty. This may sound strange, but ever since I started this method I've become better at bowling than I've ever been!"
The rest of us decided that we should try this method too. Everyone who woke up and saw his girlfriend or wife lying on her left side bowled lefty. Everyone who woke up and saw his girlfriend or wife lying on her right-side bowled righty.
This method worked surprisingly well. We entered a national tournament, and, with our new hand-switching method, made our way to the finals.
On the morning of the finals, I woke up and looked at my girlfriend to see which side she was sleeping on... but she was lying on her back. Now I had no way of knowing which hand to bowl with!
When I arrived at the bowling alley, I told everyone about my dilemma. Once again, the captain asked Frank for help.
"What do you do when your girlfriend is lying on her back?" he asked.
With a sly grin on his face, Frank responded "Why do you think I always say 'Next game, I might be five minutes late'?"
DRUNK GIRLS ARE PROOF THAT ALCOHOL IS GOOD FOR YOU
A motorcycle officer stopped a man who ran a red light.
The guy was a real jerk, demanding "Why am I being harassed by the Gestapo?!"
The officer calmly told him of his violation.
The man erupted in a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry and sexual orientation in explicit terms. The officer took it in stride, saying nothing.
When he finished writing the citation, he put "AH" in corner and then handed it to the man to sign. The man demanded to know what "AH" meant.
The officer stared straight into his eyes and said "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you were such an arsehole!" and then returned to his cruiser.
The violator's a bad record meant that he would lose his license, so he hired a hot-shot attorney to represent him.
The defence attorney called the officer to the stand and asked "Officer, is there any particular marking on this citation you don't normally make?" "Why, yes, sir, there is. Near the bottom there's an underlined 'AH'".
"What does 'AH' stand for, officer?" "Aggressive and hostile, sir".
"Aggressive and hostile?" "Yes, sir". "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for 'arsehole?"
The officer grinned "Well, sir, you know your client better than I!"
ANY OBJECTIONS TO HOT CHIX TAKING A BATH? nOPE, DIDN'T THINK SO...
A man who'd lost his wife a while back was tired of being lonely and decided to visit a brothel for some companionship.
The madam sent him upstairs with one of the girls who asked him what he was looking for.
The guy said that he'd been married to the same woman for years and that their sex life was never very adventurous. He was wondering if maybe she could introduce him to something a little different.
She asked him if he'd ever tried sixty-nine. The guy said no but it's sounds like fun.
So they got undressed and went to it.
They guy was really enjoying himself when after a few minutes the girl let out a particularly pungent fart. He was going to say something but was having such a good time he decided to let it go.
But then after a few more minutes the girl dropped another bomb that smelled as bad if not worse than the first one.
At this point the guy says "Alright that's it" and he gets up and starts getting dressed.
They girls says "What's the matter, weren't you having a good time, honey?" The guy says "I was having a great time".
And the girl says "Then what's the problem?" And the guy says "I just don't think I could stand sixty-seven more of those".
A woman has just lost a bunch of weight through diet pills and is at the department store buying new clothes.
As she's trying on clothes, she proudly announces to the person at the fitting room "I'm buying new dresses because I just lost a bunch of weight. Guess how much I weigh now!?" The employee guesses "I dunno, 60 kilos?" The woman laughs "NOPE! 56 kilos!"
Excited, she practically runs to cash register to check out, nearly knocking people over in the process, and announces the cashier "I'm buying new dresses because I just lost a bunch of weight, guess how much I weigh now!?" The employee guesses "I dunno, 59 kilos?" The woman laughs "NOPE! 56 kilos!"
As she's standing at the bus stop with about 20 bags of new clothes she spots an old man, and announces to the man "I just bought a bunch of new dresses because I lost a bunch of weight, guess how much I weigh now!" The old man contemplates and says "Young lady, I've been around the world and made love to a lot of women over the years. I have a method for determining your weight, it's a little unconventional, but I guarantee I can get your weight correct precisely to the tenth of a pound". He reaches toward her and then pauses and asks "May I?"
The woman shrugs, the man seems harmless "Sure, why the hell not!"
Cupping her firmly by the buttocks, the old man pulls her close against his chest so that they're eye to eye. He begins massaging her butt cheeks sensually, closing his eyes and breathing heavily in and out. Finally, he puts his face down into her cleavage and motorboats her breasts. Just as she's about to lose her temper he looks up at her and says "Madam, you weigh exactly 56 kilograms".
The woman is astonished "How did you figure that out?? The old man grins "You pushed in front of me at the department store register".
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He asks the employee for a good saw "I want to chop down 100 trees every day" he says. The employee replies "100 trees? You know what, you need a chainsaw. I will guarantee you can chop 100 trees with this one. If you can't do it, you can return it and you will get your money back".
So the guy takes the advice and buys the chainsaw.
The next day he returns to the hardware store to complain.
"I only got 50 trees today!! You lied to me!" "No no, I didn't lie, says the employee. You should start earlier, like at 8am and work to 6pm!"
The guy goes back and the next day he starts at 8 and works with no breaks till 6.
He returns to the store and shouts "This is impossible! I worked from 8 'til 6. You lied to me, I only got 75!" "I did not lie" says the employee "You know what? Tomorrow I will come and help you, to show you it is definitely possible to get 100".
So the next day they go to the woods.
The employee says "Let me try".
He starts the chainsaw. Aghast the man steps back and says "What's that sound coming from the saw!!!"
I have heard lots of women misuse the term 'mansplain' therefore here I am to explain it for all the women out there! You're welcome.
Mansplaining (a blend word of man and the informal form splaining of the gerund explaining) is a pejorative term meaning (of a man) "to comment on or explain something to a woman in a condescending, overconfident, and often inaccurate or oversimplified manner". Author Rebecca Solnit ascribed the phenomenon to a combination of "overconfidence and cluelessness". Lily Rothman, of The Atlantic, defined it as "explaining without regard to the fact that the explainee knows more than the explainer, often done by a man to a woman".
In its original use, mansplaining differed from other forms of condescension in that it was said to be rooted in the assumption that a man is likely to be more knowledgeable than a woman. However, it has come to be used more broadly, often applied when a man takes a condescending tone in an explanation to anyone, regardless of the age or gender of the intended recipients: a "man 'splaining" can be delivered to any audience.
In 2010, it was named by the New York Times as one of its "Words of the Year". American Dialect Society nominated Mansplaining as the "most creative" new word in 2012.
Girls, feel free to ask any questions you may have! I will try to explain it for every woman.
St Peter explains to them that, while in the old days God demanded that only Christians who closely studied the Bible could get into Heaven, times have changed and requirements have been relaxed. These days, you only need to know the basics.
St Peter turns to the first man and says "if you can explain to me the meaning of Easter, the most holy day of the Christian calendar, you can enter Heaven".
The first man says "Oh, of course! That's when Jesus came and drove all the snakes out of Scotland, so we drink green beer".
"No... that's... that's completely wrong. You're thinking of Saint Patrick, who in apocrypha drove the snakes out of Ireland. You will be sent to Hell".
St Peter turns to the second man and says "Well, how about you? You can enter Heaven if you can explain the meaning of Easter".
"Sure" said the second man "the most holy of days celebrates when the three wise men saw a drifting star and followed it to Bethlehem, where the star heralded the birth of our saviour Jesus Christ. We celebrate by decorating pine trees and drinking eggnog".
"No, I'm sorry, but you're thinking of Christmas, not Easter. You clearly have some knowledge, though, so you must wait in purgatory for 1,000 years".
St Peter finally turns to the last man and says "Alright, let's see what you've got. Do you know the meaning of Easter?"
The third man nods sagely, and explains "Jesus was feared by the pagan Romans, who saw His great teaching of love and the word of God as dangerous to their ways. They stabbed His side, made Him wear a crown of thorns, and they crucified Him along with two thieves. His body was interred in a cave, and sealed with a boulder. But after three days, the boulder was rolled back, Jesus stepped out of the cave, saw his shadow, ran back inside, and we had six more weeks of winter!"
After walking for two days, he finally sees some structure on the horizon. He realises this might be his last hope and channels his last remaining energy to get there.
Two hours later he finally gets to what seems to be some kind of well. Barely able to stand up he walks around it to find a bucket or something, but there doesn't seem to be anything of the sort and the well is too deep to see anything.
Desperate for just a little refreshment he grabs a big rock next to well and throws it down the well, hoping it might at least splash a little water on his face, but after it hits the ground, he can hear that the well is completely dry.
Out of strength and completely hopeless he sinks down next to the well, waiting for certain death to come, when suddenly a goat comes flying towards him, whirling around him and finally flying into the well.
Unable to believe what he just saw, he tells himself that the dehydration is making him hallucinate and he is going crazy.
About 5 Minutes go by, when suddenly he sees a boy running towards him. The boy sees the dying man and without hesitation hands him some life-saving water.
After the man is able to stand up again the boy nervously asks him "Did you see my goat? I can't find and I will get in big trouble if I lost it!"
The man, seriously doubting his sanity and asking himself again if what he sees is real answers "Yeah, I-uhh... I saw a goat, but you probably won't believe me when I tell you that it flew through the air and around me and then it flew down that well!"
The boy looks at him and says: "What? That's impossible! I tied it to a big rock, just next to the well!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race.
Both teams practiced rowing hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile.
The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.
The consultant's finding: the Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.
After a year of study and millions spent analysing the problem, the American team's management structure was completely reorganised.
The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
The next year, the Japanese won by two miles!
Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
-Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
-Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
-Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
-For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
-Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length and girth of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
-The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. ailure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
-It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to the well-formed bunkers.
-Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played on or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
-Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
-Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played on for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
-The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.
-Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. This is usually indicated by a red flag in the hole. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation.
-More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
-Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
-It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
-The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
-WARNING: Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. Players who have contracted to play a private course are cautioned that information reaching the owner that the player has played other courses may lead to the contract being cancelled and a lawsuit for damages filed. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.
A man in the bar offers to bet anyone $100 that his dog can talk.
At first everyone is dubious, but after the man clarifies he means complete grammatically correct sentences, and they make sure there are no hidden devices on the dog, several bets are made.
Man: "Well, Charley?"
Charley lifts his paw.
Man: "Charley, come on, say something".
Charley barks once.
Man: "Charley, what is it, now? Say something in English".
Charley clearly doesn't understand what the man wants from him and is getting visibly nervous.
Finally, the man has to give up, pays the lost money, and leaves with Charley.
After walking a few blocks in the rain, the man asks sadly "Why did you do that?" "Just imagine how much we're going to win there tomorrow".
Well, this is somewhat unfortunate but you've reached the end of this Orsm update. You should read on though...
-Follow me on Facebook. Do ittttt. IDK why but you should.
-Check out the archives. If there were gone tomorrow, how would you feel?
-Next update will be next Thursday. Word.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise screw you some place very uncomfortable... like the back of a Volkswagen.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
There's not a hell of a lot I want to say to begin this update. Sometimes you just don't have to. My first cold for the season might have something to do with it but whichever way you slice it, no amount of words plonked on the top of this page is going to add dramatically to what's below. If anything, they might just keep you guys from the brilliance this update entails. Look, what im really trying to say is... check it...
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So" the coach continued "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head". Do you understand all that?" Again, the little boy nodded. He continued "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb a-hole', is it?" Again, the little boy nodded. "Good" said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother".
--
Why did Chewbacca crash the Millennium Falcon the first time he flew it? It was a Wookie mistake.
--
A lady is having a bad day at the table in Monte Carlo. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" A gentleman next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests "Why don't you play your age?" He walks away. Moments later, he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won! Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. He asks "What happened? Is she all right?" "I don't know, she put everything on number 24 and when 36 came up, she screamed and then fainted".
--
A mechanic was just completing a repair in which he had removed the cylinder head from the motor of a car when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was finishing working on the car. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked "So doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $54,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic "Try doing it with the engine running!"
--
A lawyer boss said to his secretary "I want to have SEX with you; I will make it as fast as I can. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you've bent down and pick it up I'll be done, but remember a deal is a deal in law". She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her "Do it but ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast. He wouldn't even have enough time to pull his pants down and let me know how it goes so we can celebrate!" So she agrees. Half an hour goes by with no news from the GF so the BF decides to call his GF. When she answers he asks "What happened?" She responds "The bastard used $1 coins!"
--
A mother and her child are being interviewed on live national TV. "MOTHER SAVES DAUGHTER FROM CHOKING ON FOOD WITH EXTRAORDINARY SECRET MOVE" the headline scrolls below. "This is amazing! What is this lifesaving secret that allowed you to save your daughter?" asks the reporter. "I didn't just save her from choking to death, we now both know how to never suffer from choking again even if we got strangled or something gets stuck in the throat!" the mother proudly tells. "Yes! But what exactly did you do to allow this?" the reporter asks again. "Oh, we've been going to BDSM training".
--
An atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror "Oh God, help me!!" Suddenly, everything - the bear. the trees, the birds, everything but the man - freezes. The man sees the clouds part as a deep heavenly voice reaches his ears. ‟So, all your life，you deny My existence, yet now you call for My aid now that death is upon you? I am sorry, My son, but it is too late". The atheist thinks quickly. ‟Well, God, if it is too late for me to become a Christian, how about you just convert the bear?" Time begins moving again, and the bear immediately stops its roaring, kneels quietly and respectfully, and begins speaking ‟O Lord, bless this meal in which I am about to partake..."
--
I came home drunk one night, and needless to say the wife was furious. "Where the hell have you been?" she shouted. "I was getting a tattoo of a $100 note on my penis" I said. "What?" she asked perplexed. "Why? You are a chartered accountant. Why would a chartered accountant get a tattoo of a $100 note on his cock?" To which I answered "Well, firstly my dear, I like to watch my money grow. I also like to play with my money every now and then. Furthermore, I love the feeling of holding money in my hand". "And" I added "There's another upside to this". "Oh yeah, what's that?" she asks. "Every time you feel like blowing a hundred bucks, you don't have to go all the way to the shops, you can stay right here!"
Paddy goes into the pub toilet and stands next to a black guy. He glances over and sees this massive 12-inch cock. "Bejaisus! I'd like to have one like that!" "It's easy man, just tie a bit of string to it attached to a brick. In a week or two, you'll see the difference". A couple of weeks later, he sees Paddy in the street and asks him how the treatment is going. Paddy is grimacing in pain with tears running down his cheeks and replies "It's tough but it's working well. It's already turned black".
--
A speaker, who was less than modest, was booked to address an audience at a university. About two hours before she was supposed to speak, however, a couple of student jokers loaded all the folding chairs from the auditorium into a truck and drove off. No one knew about this until the audience began to arrive for the lecture. It was too late to do anything about it, and the audience had to stand throughout her talk. That evening she wrote a letter to her mother: "It was a tremendous success. Hours before I got there, every seat in the house was taken, and I was given a standing ovation throughout my speech".
--
Hasim and Habib are street beggars. They beg in different parts of the city. Habib begs just as long as Hasim but only collects $20-30 every day. Hasim brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend. Habib says to Hasim "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 notes every day?" Hasim says "Look at your sign, what does it say?" Habib's sign reads "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support". Hasim says "No wonder you only get $20-30". Habib says "So what does your sign say?" Hasim shows Habib his sign. It reads: 'I only need another $10 to move back to Syria'.
You know the type, the independent store that barely survives and sells EVERYTHING, but rarely has a customer. How they are still trading is a miracle.
Anyway, the man approaches the counter and asks the shopkeeper "I need a budgie file". "A budgie file?" the shopkeeper muses out-loud "not heard of a budgie file before? I have a whole array of files and rasps, what is the job you are trying to carry out?" "I need to file my budgie's beak" replied the man "it is very sharp and when I try to clean out his cage, he attacks my hand".
The shopkeeper has never heard this before, but he sees the reason behind it.
"I have this small set of delicate files that might do the trick" the shopkeeper holds up a selection of 5 files of different profiles. "Hmm... I'm not sure, what else have you got?" "Well" starts the shopkeeper "I hold all sorts of different types of files and rasps in stock, everything from this small set that would do the job, through to standard metal files and rasps of types and grades including that big-arse rasp up on the wall". He points above him to a gigantic rasp that is most likely designed for taking bark off a fallen tree.
The man ponders for a second "I think I will take that big-arse rasp. Looks like it will do the job".
The shopkeeper is stunned for a second "I really don't think that is the tool for the job, mate!" "I will take it; it will be perfect". "You won't be able to return it once it is used" replied the shopkeeper. "I understand" says the man.
So, the shopkeeper gets out his step ladder and brings down the big-arse rasp off the wall, and proceeds to package up the rasp in some brown paper and finishes it off with a bit of brown string neatly tied in a bow the same way it has been done in the shop for decades. The man pays for the big-arse rasp and leaves the shop with it tucked under his arm. The shopkeeper is worried for the budgie and thinks maybe he should have convinced the man of the small set of files.
The next day the shopkeeper is opening up his shop and spots the man walking down the street towards his shop with the brown paper package under his arm. The shopkeeper is immediately worried and is expecting a conflict with the man. In no way will he accept a return if there is blood and feathers etc on the big-arse; he chastises himself more now for not selling the man the small set of files.
The man enters the shop. "Good morning, I bought this big-arse rasp yesterday and I would like to return it". The shop keeper states quite confidently "I will not accept the item if it is used, there is no way it can go back up on the wall with remnants of budgie attached to it".
The man replies "Don't worry sir, the big-arse rasp is totally unused, it is still in the brown paper as you wrapped it so beautifully, with the string tied in a bow. However, I no longer require it, my budgie is dead".
"Dead! What do you mean dead? How?" exclaims the shopkeeper. "He passed away when I put his head in the vice".
I DIAGNOSE THESE UPSKIRTS WITH A SEVERE CASE 'AWESOMENESS'
Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.
They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was.
At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody else in the island.
He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier... it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him very fit, she noticed this.
One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her successfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they were, for all intents and purposes, a couple with an above regular sex life.
But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed...
"What's wrong?" Scarlett asked "Nothing..." the guy would say...
She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasn't asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him.
"Really? You'll do anything I'd like?" "Yes" she said "anything!"
"Okay, first I want you to take off your toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore". "Okay..."
"Now put this shirt on please, but first, 'tape' your boobs so they are flat". "Wha... okay, I said I'd do anything" she said lovingly.
"Okay, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it". She was kind of confused, but nonetheless, she wanted to make him happy, so she tucked her hair under the hat.
"Now I'd like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a moustache". "Okay... if this is what you want..." she muttered.
"Now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach I'll catch up to you in a bit" he said excitedly.
She started walking... wondering... doubting herself... just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasn't her, maybe it was h...
Suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says "DUDE!!! You won't believe who I've been fucking for the past 6 months!"
GIRLS LICKING GIRLS BOOBS IS EVERYTHING BOOBS HAD HOPED FOR (AND SO MUCH MORE)
The Chinese (finally) take over the world, and start re-organising the social structure.
They decide that the best way to do things is to separate everyone by race, and keep all white people in Europe and North America, all Asian people in Asia, all black people in Africa, etc.
Now of course, the issue is that race isn't such a cut-and-dry thing, so after sorting through the obvious cases, it comes time to figure out the bi-multi-racial people. So, to start the process, they gather all of the black/white biracial people in New York in Yankee Stadium to sort through.
The announcement goes over the loudspeakers:
"Everybody please remain in your seats so we can deal with you in a calm and orderly fashion. We will be sorting through each of you to determine whether you are ultimately black or white. If you are deemed black, you will be going to Africa with General Zheng".
An older man dressed in military fatigues is shown smiling and waving on the Jumbotron.
"Whereas if you are white, you will stay here in North America, and you will be overseen by General Wong".
The Jumbotron again cuts to an older man in military fatigues, only this time he is screaming his head off at one of his assistants, who is cowering in fear. As he notices the camera is now on him, rather than smiling and waving like General Zheng, he gives a scowl to the crowd and resumes barking orders at his underlings.
Upon seeing this, one man in the crowd turns to his neighbour and says "If this is Wong, then I don't want to be white".
A group of three successful bowlers travelled to every bowling alley in their county, talking trash at every alley and winning every game.
Finally, the owner of an old ma and pa bowling alley had enough and invited them to a secret underground alley.
The old owner explained the rules to a new type of bowling.
"You place the ball at your feet, and then control the ball with your voice". "That preposterous" said one of the bowlers. "No, said the old owner, the acoustics in this room are so finely tuned, that the ball will respond to your voice".
The first master bowler got up and said "I'm the best there ever was, I've mastered every alley I've come across" he placed the ball on the floor at his feet and yelled "GO!" at the ball.
Amazingly, the ball feebly wiggled but then rolled backward into the seats.
The second master bowler got up, and said "This dirty. dingy place is not suitable for me to waste my time here, let's get this over with. He placed his ball at his feet and calmly said "Strike" and the ball shot straight up in the air, landing back on his foot.
The third master bowler got up and said "No one understands bowling like I do, I'll show you how a real master does it. He placed the ball on the floor, and confidently said "You will move forward" and the ball rolled directly into the gutter.
The old owner said nothing as he slowly limped his way to the lane, gently set his ball down on the starting mark, closed his eyes, and hummed very softly. The ball began to roll forward and the man hummed louder and increased in pitch. The ball shot straight at the pins knocking down all ten.
The three bowlers were astonished, and left quietly without another word. Never before had they had such a Hum-bowling experience.
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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.
The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last request: No Jews please".
Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied:
"Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers.
One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Master's degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design.
The second is a lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Master's Degree and PhD. in Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate.
The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech.
Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina. We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda".
Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).
At precisely p.m. on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very handsome, smiling black officers.
Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered "There must be some mistake...?" "No, Ma'am" said the first officer "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes".
A man died and was sent to hell. The devil was feeling generous and gave him three choices.
The devil took him to the first room.
The room was empty except for a pool of scalding hot water. The man saw George Bush, jump into the pool, climb out and jump back in again. The devil said "That's his punishment. He has to jump into the pool for eternity. If you pick this room, you take his place".
The man hurriedly asked for option 2. So, they went to the next room.
This room was filled with rocks. The man could make out Obama continuously smashing rocks. The devil said "That's his punishment. He must smash rocks for eternity. If you pick this room, you take his place".
The man asked for option 3.
This room was magnificent. It had a massive king size bed, a table full of delicacies and just the works. On the bed, the man saw Donald Trump having sex with Mia Khalifa! The man jumped with joy and exclaimed "This room! I pick this room!"
"Are you sure?" the devil asked. "Yes definitely!"
"Okay then, Mia you can leave. This man here will be taking your place".
An old lady goes into a bank and asks to open an account.
She is told, politely but coolly, that they are a very exclusive bank and have stringent requirements for prospective clients. "I know" she says. "May I see the manager, please?"
She is shown into the manager's office and repeats her request to be allowed to open an account, and the manager explains that they very rarely take new customers, and she would need to have at least a million dollars in investable assets, not including real estate. She says that is not a problem as she has over a million dollars in cash on her, and hands over a briefcase.
While the manager delegates the task of counting the money to an underling, he asks how she came by so much cash. "Oh, I make bets" she says. "For instance, I am willing to bet $50,000 that by lunchtime on Monday your testicles will have turned square".
The manager, of course, takes the bet at once, and on learning that the briefcase did indeed hold over a million dollars, he gives his approval for her account to be opened. She bids him a good day and makes an appointment to see him again at noon the following Monday.
When she returns, she is accompanied by a smartly dressed man, and explains to the manager that this is her lawyer, whom she has brought along as a witness. The bank manager smiles and says that he can understand this, but she is going to find she is out of luck. "Well, maybe" she says "but considering the money involved, I'm sure you'll agree that I am entitled to put you to the test".
She takes a large tablespoon from her handbag and says "Be so kind as to drop your trousers and underpants, please" and when he does so she cups his scrotum in the tablespoon and sighs sorrowfully.
Meanwhile however her lawyer has begun silently banging his head on the bank manager's desk.
"Oh dear" says the manager, a little patronisingly "I fear my learned friend is dismayed at your reckless gambling away of your wealth". "Oh no" says the old lady "it's just that last Thursday I bet him a hundred thousand dollars that I'd have your balls in a tablespoon before the banks shut on Monday".
MEANWHILE, ON A BEACH SOMEWHERE, THERE BE BUTTS...
The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.
Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it's repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.
After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke "I know I'm not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I'm not even sure what to call you?" "It's okay, my son, say what you want to say". "Well, when they told me who I'd be driving, I was really thrilled. It's such an honour, and if there is anything I can do to make it a better trip, I'll do my best to make sure it happens".
The Pope thought for a while, then replied "You know, before I became Pope, I really enjoyed driving. I would drive for hours. But now, no one will allow me to drive anywhere. Would you mind if we switched places and I can drive?"
The limousine driver agreed and the two switched places.
After a while, the Pope became relaxed, turned the radio on, hung his arm out the window, and just enjoyed cruising. However, not aware of his increasing speed, he was soon pulled over by a motorcycle cop.
The cop walked up to the limousine, saw who was driving, said "Excuse me, your holiness, for a moment" then returned to his bike and got on the radio.
"Chief, I think I have a problem. I believe I pulled over someone pretty important, and I'm not sure how to deal with it". The Chief responded: "Don't tell me you pulled over a state representative again, Johnson?"
"No, I think this person is more important".
"Not our Governor?!"
"No, I believe more important than the Governor".
"Johnson, tell me you didn't pull over a Presidential Motorcade".
"No, they may be even more important than the President".
"What? Really? Who's more important than the President?"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much.
One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighbouring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself.
Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea".
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!" Murphy replied "Don't worry. Just follow me".
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two shots of Jameson's.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!" Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan! Cheers!"
They both downed their drinks.
Murphy said "Okay, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth".
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free!
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murph, I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!" Murphy said "How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in!"
A bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants.
"I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says. "You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid "Get out before I get my husband!"
The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off". She says "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!"
Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again. "One more chance!" says the barmaid "Now - what do you want? "I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup".
The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.
"What's up love?" he asks. "There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off" she says. "I'll kill him! Where is he?" storms the husband.
"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my ass cheeks and lick it off" she screams. "Right! He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a bat.
"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and then drink it all" she cries.
The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on.
"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically. "Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink 15 pints of Guinness..."
Well well well... what have do here we? The sad end of the update is what. Okay maybe sadder for you guys; I've been on it all week after all so I'm leaning more towards happiness in that this fucker got done and done on time. And now for...
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. I suggest you take this advice.
-Next update will be next Thursday. See you then.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll slam your dick in a car door.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
Has been an entertainment week for entertainment. Managed to squeeze in the footy, Top Gun: Maverick, way too much Giro d"Italia and even the new Obi-Wan Kenobi. And that probably explains why I am sooo far behind schedule. That or the fact its finally winter and my hands are so cold its hard to operate the keyboard. I"ve tried to prep myself this year. Instead of lamenting how cold it is, I"ve invested in things like a jumper and tracksuit pants. For jaunts on two-wheels I"ve upgraded to thermal gloves and toe warmers. Now that warmth is solved, the biggest problem will the be finding something else to complain about. Something no one will complain about however is this update. It beats every expectation anyone could ever have. Check it....
On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn"t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she"s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says "I have a confession". She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says "Darling, so do I". Recoiling, he says "Don"t tell me... you"ve eaten my socks?"
--
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!" Pa replies "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse". Ma yells back "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it". So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back "Ma! there ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!" "Ma replies "Stick your head in the hole!" Pa yells back "I ain't stickin my head in that hole! "Ma says "Ya have to stick your head in the hole to see what to fix". So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollers back "Now take your head out of the hole!" Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" To which Ma replies "Hurts, don't it?!"
--
I watched my son walk back to the pavilion. "Well done son" I said "you'll play for England one day". "Dad" he replied "I was bowled out for a duck, twice". "I know son, I know "I answered.
--
Having blown himself up, an 18-year-old suicide bomber appeared before Allah. He said "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I have never been with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?" Allah regarded him for a moment and then replied "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous, and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty". The bomber responded "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?" Allah replied "Who said they were women?"
--
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to playing cards a few times a week. One day when playing cards, one looked at the other and said "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends a long time, but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is". Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared. Finally, she said "How soon do you need to know?"
--
A cowboy emigrated to Wales. He opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch. Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived branding.
--
An old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs, and every morning the farmer would head out to feed them. And every morning, he would see all the pigs making baby pigs. He would get turned on by this and try to get back to the house in time to make love to his wife - but he always lost the erection before he got there. So one day, he took his hatchet and headed out to the pig pen.
"No!" said his wife. "Don't kill those pigs!" "I'm not going to kill them. I'm moving the pen closer to the house".
--
Anyone who says that onions are the only vegetable to make you cry has obviously never been hit in the face with a pumpkin.
--
A drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologised and explained "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her". "Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no-good drunk!" she screamed. "Wow!" he exclaimed "you even sound exactly like her!"
Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business and one of the hookers said "Yep, it"s gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air". The other hooker looked at her and said "No, no. I just burped.
--
An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively. "I would like it infrequently " she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered "Is that one word or two?"
--
I told my wife not to get upset when people called her fat. I said "You're bigger than that".
--
A man goes to Thailand and picks up a lovely new wife. A year later his friend at the golf club asks "How's that lovely wife you picked up in Thailand?" "She's been a bit ill lately". "Oh, I am sorry what's wrong with her?" "Prostate cancer".
Anthony Albanese calls Penny Wong into his office.
"Penny, I have a great idea! You are going to go all out to win back rural Australia". "Good idea PM, how will we go about it?" said Penny. "Well" said Albo "we'll get ourselves two of those long country coats, some work boots, and some Akubra"s, oh and a Labrador. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub and we'll show we really enjoy the country". "Right PM" said Penny.
So that evening later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction.
Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a lovely country pub and, with the Labrador, went in and walked up to the bar.
"Good evening, may we have two pints of your best lager" said Albo. "Good evening Prime Minister" said the barman "two pints coming up".
Albo and Penny stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink. The Labrador lay quietly at their feet.
All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old farmer. He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.
A few moments later, in came another dusty old farmer. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.
Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five farmers came in, lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.
Eventually Albo could stand it no longer and called the barman over.
"Tell me" he said "why did all those old farmers come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old custom?" "Good Lord, no" said the barman. "It's just that someone has told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two arseholes".
The Queen and Prince Charles are traveling alone in a Land Rover on the way back from a lunch for the President of the EU.
They have become separated from their bodyguards. The Queen is resplendent in Jewels, Tiara and necklace, oozing in diamonds.
A man jumps in front of the Land Rover pointing a gun at them.
Prince Charles turns of the engine and winds down the window.
The man says "Give me all your money!" Charles replies "I'm the future King of England and I don't carry money".
"Okay" says the man "give me your credit cards". "Well" proclaims Charles "for the same reason, I have no need for credit cards".
In desperation, he points his gun at the Queen.
"Give me all your jewels and diamonds!" Her Maj responds "I have no jewels or diamonds young man".
The man looks at her, and it's true, she is devoid of all body bling.
"Get out of the car" he said.
They oblige, he gets in and drives off.
"Well, that was a close call" Charles says "By the way, mother, what happened to all your jewellery?" "Well, whilst you were talking to that nice young man, I hid all of my diamonds in a place that even Phillip wouldn't have found".
Charles is bemused and his face demands further clarification.
"I put them in my Jack and Danny" states Liz.
"Thank God for that" retorts the man who talks to his sprouts "It's a shame that Camilla wasn't with us... we could probably have saved the Land Rover!"
There once was a toad that was excluded from all Green Toad activities because he was a handsome shade of yellow.
So he went to visit a beautiful fairy in the town who had the power to grant wishes.
"Fairy" he said "I would like to be green, so I can play with all the other toads". "Granted!" said the fairy, who turned him green.
Unfortunately though, his little toady penis was still yellow.
"What about my penis?" he asked the fairy. "Oh! For that, you'll have to go see the wizard".
And so the toad hopped off to find the wizard.
Soon, a pink elephant visited the fairy, and he wished to be turned grey. She granted him the wish, but, as with the toad, his penis was still pink. So she told him to visit the wizard.
"How do I find the wizard?" he asked. "Simple" she said "Just follow the yellow dick toad".
My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.
Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie, we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.
Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother.
A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.
"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard... she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again!"
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Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he"s the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his
best friend a top-of-the-line Mercedes for his birthday".
The second guy said "Darn, that"s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He"s so rich that he gave his best friend a brand-new jet for his birthday".
The third man said "Well, that"s terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday - a 30,000 square foot mansion!"
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"
The fourth man replied "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub". The three friends said: "What a shame... what a disappointment".
The fourth man replied: "No, I"m not ashamed. He"s my son and I love him. And he hasn"t done too badly. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand-new jet and a top-of-the-line Mercedes from his three boyfriends".
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realised that if they continued in the usual manner, they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
"When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine-foot-long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
"When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite.
There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief.
"We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves". "That's nothing" an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years making an alligator look like a Dachshund".
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer.
"Look, I"ll give you $100 if you"ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I"m to promise to ‘love, honour and obey" and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever," I"d appreciate it if you"d just leave that part out".
He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom"s vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice "Yes".
The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed "I thought we had a deal". The vicar put the $100 into his hand and whispered back "She made me a much better offer".
One day God called down to Noah and said "Noah me old China, I want you to make me a new Ark". Noah replied "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want. After all, you're the boss".
But God interrupted "Ah but there's a catch this time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks... I want 20 decks, one on top of the other".
"20 DECKS!" screamed Noah. "Well, okay Big Man, whatever you say, should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
"Yep, that's right. Well... sort of right... but this time I want you to fill it up with fish" God answered.
"Fish?" queried Noah.
"Yep, fish ... well, to make it more specific, Noah, I want Carp, wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"
Noah looked to the skies "Okay God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"
"Yup".
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"
"Uh huh".
"And you want it full of Carp?"
"Indeedy".
"Why?" asked the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether...
"Dunno" says God. "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform sexually.
He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.
Eventually, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says "I can cure this". With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The man then asks "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies "When your partner can take no more sex and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned - it will not rise again for another year".
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves, and smothers himself in aftershave.
He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the ‘risen" like never before, just as the medicine man promised.
His wife turns over and asks "What did you say '123' for?"
An Indian man runs into his office, wearing only a hat and carrying a briefcase.
His boss stops him and says "What are you doing, man? Do you realise you're naked? Shouldn't this be your day off?"
He calmly explains that he was at a party when suddenly the lights went out. Some voice said "Gentleman, take off your ties". Somebody turned on the lights again and not a single guy was wearing a tie.
The situation repeated - the lights went out, but this time the voice said "Gentleman, strip naked". When the light went back on, the ladies started giggling and clapping their hands because all the guys were naked".
"The lights went out again and this time the voice said "Ladies, take your clothes off!" When the light came back on, all the ladies were naked.
The same voice said "Gentleman, now get to work! So I grabbed my hat and briefcase and came here, sir".
WHY IS ZOYA GOOD? LET'S TAKE A LITTLE LOOK SHALL WE...
A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-year-old scotch.
The bartender thinks ‘this guy doesn't know the difference" so he pours a shot of 6-year-old scotch.
The patron takes one sip and spits it out.
He promptly hollers at the bartender "I said 12-year-old scotch, you bozo!"
Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 8-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip... same reaction.
But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year-old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.
Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.
All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching. He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkenly says: "Shay mishter, you think yur sho good, huh? Tashte this and tell me all about it!"
Annoyed and wanting to quickly get rid of the drunk, the patron obliges... he promptly spits it out.
"It tastes like piss!" he shoots back at the drunk. The drunk replies: "It ish. So how old am I?"
-Follow me on Facebook. If Orsm should suddenly disappear, that’s where you can find info.
-Check out the archives. More satisfying than eating a whole bag of potato chips and not feeling sick afterward.
-Next update will be stardate 75904.4.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I’ll only ever call you a cunt.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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