Welcome to the theme from M*A*S*H; now stuck in your head.
Hectic few days around the old homestead yet this update has managed to not only happen but be astonishingly good despite the chaos. I particularly think you guys will enjoy the everything. Check it...
When my uncle passed away, all the clocks in the house stopped at exactly the same time. He died in a gas explosion.
--
My daughter's school teacher rang me today saying "Young Sarah didn't turn up for school today". "I know, her mother died yesterday" I replied "She won't be back for a while". "I'm sorry to hear that" he sighed "How's she getting on?". "Very well" I replied "She's on her third lot of laundry and has already prepared dinner".
--
I was staying in a hotel last night. I phoned down to reception "Hi, this is room 26. Can I have a wake-up call please?" Desk clerk: "Certainly Sir! You're in your mid-30s, single, live with your mother, and you've achieved nothing in life!"
--
The Pope is on a stage handing out miracles to sick children. Billy walks on stage and asks "Can you help with my hearing?" The pope says "Yes" and puts his hands on Billy's ears, then prays, removes his hands and says "How is your hearing now". Billy says "I don't know, it's not till next Wednesday".
--
A mother thinks there's something strange going on and eventually decides to take a DNA test. She finds out that their child is actually not related to her or her husband at all. Wife: "Darling, there's something really important that we need to talk about. I did a DNA test and Roger isn't our biological child". Husband: "Of course he isn't, don't you remember? We were just leaving the hospital and the baby pooped hugely so you told me, 'Go and change the baby, I'll wait here.'"
--
Three senior citizens are sitting on a park bench complaining about their failing bodies. "Every morning, I get up at 6am" the first man explains "and I try to pee, but nothing but a trickle comes out". The second man adds "I get up at 6am too, and it feels like I've got to move my bowels, but I sit down on the toilet and nothing happens". The third man chimes in the conversation and tells his friends "I pee and move my bowels at exactly 7am every morning". "That's not bad" the first man responds. "Why are you complaining?" The third man admits "The problem is I don't usually wake up until 7.05am".
--
If this doesn't touch your heart, then you just don't have one. This is an incredible story of luck, happiness and inspiration! Can you believe it? This guy, Ade Bufford Taylor, from Live Oak, Florida wins $181 million in the lottery last Saturday, and then finds the love of his life just 2 days later! Talk about luck!!!
--
The physician was taking her four-year old daughter to pre-school. The doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still my heart, thought the doctor, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps! Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's - can I take your order?"
--
A man went to his lawyer and told him "My neighbour owes me $500 and he won't pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer. "Nope" replied the man. "Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1,000 he owes you" said the lawyer. "But it's only $500" replied the man. "Precisely. That's what he will reply and then you'll have your proof!"
The wife phoned me at work. "Did you ever feel a sensation in your face, like someone was stabbing one of those Voodoo dolls?" she asked me. "No" I replied, a bit puzzled. "How about now?"
--
My grief counsellor died the other day. He was so good, I didn't give a fuck.
--
A drunk guy stumbles into a bar and says "Those to my left you are all jerks. Those to my right, you are all idiots!" A tall, muscular guy slowly stands up, puts on his cowboy hat and quietly says to the guy "Well, I don't think I'm an idiot at all". "Alright" agrees the guy "you can go on the left".
--
My dad gave me some advice a few years ago. He said "Mate, if you ever get into a fight in the pub, just take a ball from the pool table and put it in your sock". Worst advice ever, I could hardly walk.
A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper.
When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says "Now remember... that's all-original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure you keep a tub of Vaseline with you. Rub it all over the seat so the water will just bead off".
The guy takes his new bike and goes to pick up his girlfriend. The girlfriend invites the guy over to her parents" house for dinner. This will be the first time he's ever eaten with her family.
"I should let you know the rule of the table" she said. "There is no talking allowed. The first person to talk at the table has to clean the dishes".
The guy doesn't think this is that big of a deal until he arrives at the family's house and looks in the kitchen. There must be at least three months" worth of dishes inside. They are stacked up to the ceiling, stinking and rotting of mould and old bits of food everywhere. The guy almost throws up at the smell and sight of such a disgusting state of affairs.
Dinner begins, and no one is saying a word. The tension is starting to get to the boyfriend, so he concocts a plan to make someone else speak first.
The guy drops his fork, goes over to his girlfriend at the table, throws her up on top and just starts fucking her in front of everyone. The father and mother are obviously mortified. But even with their jaws on the floor, no one says a word.
The guy stops and thinks to himself "This is going to be harder than I thought..." then he gets another idea...
Without hesitation, he runs over to the mother throws her up on the table and fucks the shit out of her, right in front of the father.
The dad is staring daggers through the boyfriend and turning bright red in anger. But still says nothing. The girlfriend is becoming teary eyed and covering her mouth with her hands, but doesn't make a peep.
The boyfriend stops fucking the mother and sits back down at his seat, completely flustered. He takes a gander out the window, and notices a sudden heavy rain has settled in. He then realises that his vintage motorbike is parked on the street, uncovered.
The boyfriend pops out of his seat and grabs his tub of Vaseline.
The dad jumps out of his chair and yells out " ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! I'LL DO THE GODDAMNED DISHES!"
An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said "Betty, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Betty replied "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you on three occasions during these 50 years, but always for a good reason".
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?" Betty said "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the bank manager and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?" Henry recalled the visit to the bank and said "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Betty asked "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge". "I recall that" said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time".
"All right" Betty said. "So do you remember when you were in the Golf Club you ran for President of the Club, and you needed 59 more votes...?"
Frank, the town postman, is retiring after 50 years on the job.
So he puts on his satchel and collects his last mailbag from the post office, and sets out on his last round.
First up he drops off a few letters at the local library. The librarian smiles and presents him with a leather-bound volume of The Complete Works of Charles Dickens. "Here you are, Frank. We know how much you like reading, now you're retiring you've got plenty of time for it now!"
Frank thanks him and continues on his route.
Next, Frank knocks on the door of the town pub. The landlady fetches him a good bottle of 12-year-old single malt whisky. "We've been keeping this for a special occasion. Pour yourself a large one on us and enjoy your retirement!"
Frank is touched by her gesture and moves onto the last address.
Frank knocks on the door of Mrs Smith. She answers the door in a negligée that leaves little to the imagination. "I've been expecting you, Frank. You'd better come in".
She leads him upstairs and proceeds to make mad, passionate love to him.
Frank's head is still spinning and as he gets dressed, Mrs Smith slips a $100 note into his shirt pocket. Before he has chance to say anything, Mrs Smith says "we're not done yet" and leads him down to the kitchen.
Mrs Smith then cooks a fantastic breakfast of bacon, eggs, sausage, hash browns, toast, the full works. As he finishes eating and takes a swig of his coffee, Frank finally has chance to ask.
"I must say Mrs Smith, everyone in the town has been very kind today, but you've been the kindest of all. Too kind, in fact! What on Earth could have moved you to such a gesture?"
Mrs Smith thinks for a moment, leaning against the kitchen worktop.
"Well, I was really racking my brains to think of something nice for you, so I asked my husband. He said 'Fuck him, just give him a few bucks' but breakfast was my idea!"
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his check-up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die".
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him".
"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly".
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely".
On the way home, the husband asked his wife "What did the doctor say?" "He said you're going to die" she replied.
An Irishman finds a magic lamp. He picks it up, gives it a rub, and out comes a genie.
"Master! you have freed me from the lamp! I will grant you three wishes!" "Wow, three? Okay, let me think for a moment..."
After a short period of deliberation, the Irishman had finally come up with something.
"I would like to have a pint of Guinness that magically fills all the way back up when I've finished it".
"Your wish is my command!" booms the genie, and suddenly in the Irishman's hand is a pint glass full to the brim of Guinness.
The man takes a few swigs to test it, likes what he's been given, and continues to down the rest of the drink. As soon as it was empty, the glass magically filled right back up with a fresh pint, which he also enjoys immediately just to see it fill up again. Infinite Guinness.
This happens a few more times before the genie starts to become a little impatient.
"Master, what may I grant you for your second wish?" The Irishman wipes his mouth, takes a gander at the glass in his hand and says "I'll have another one of these".
A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.
He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside, he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.
The man thinks "Hmm... all these sevens... I think the universe is trying to tell me something".
So feeling that maybe this is his lucky day, the man cuts out early from work and goes to the race track. He reads the racing schedule and sees that in the seventh race horse # 7 is called "Lucky Universe". The man can't believe it. He runs up to the teller and bets all his money on the horse.
The horse came in seventh.
YOU KNOW THAT THING ABOUT BEING RUDE TO POINT - IT DOESN'T ALWAYS APPLY!
A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah's Witness are lost.
They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.
"I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn" says the Farm Owner. The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.
"I'm sorry, but there is a cow in the barn, and they are sacred to me".
"No problem" says the Rabbi, and he goes to the barn. Again though, he returns and knocks. "There is also a pig in there, and that is against our teachings".
"I will go then, friends" says the Jehovah's Witness, and he proceeds to the barn. A few moments later, there is a knock at the door. It's the cow and the pig.
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of hay.
The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey, Will!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and have a bite with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up". "That's mighty nice of you" Will answered. "But I don't think my dad would like me to".
"Aw, come on". the farmer insisted. "Well okay" the boy finally agreed, and added "But dad won't like it".
After a hearty dinner, Will thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my dad is going to be real upset". "Don't be foolish!" the neighbour said with a smile. "By the way, where is your old man?"
A new, environmentally-conscious farmer starts using manure in place of fertilizer on his crops.
He gets the manure from his own cows, and within weeks notices a significant change with his wheat and other grains. They begin to flourish like he's never seen before, and he quickly begins heavily using this alternative method.
The blossoming crops attract the attention of an agriculture company nearby, and they send an infiltrator to try and get some secrets to success out of the boy.
The farmer gladly welcomes the businessman and cheerfully tells him about how well his manure works. Astounded, the man asks him if he'd be willing to set up a deal for this miracle-poo. The young man talks money after a while, and they come to a conclusion of $10 bucks per week in exchange for weekly pickups of manure from the company. Assured he got the better deal, the farmer walks away thinking "I'm gettin" a bit of extra money for literal bullcrap? It's my lucky day!"
Two months later, the young man's older, more experienced father comes by near the beginning of the harvest season he's impressed with how well the crops have outgrown his own. "Son" he says "This manure of yours is top-notch! You could be making a pretty penny off of this!"
Proudly, his son puffs out his chest. "Pa, I've been doing that for a while now! Selling it to the farmin" corporation not too far from here!" "Really?" his father asks. "For how much?"
The younger farmer tells him. His father's face flushes red.
"Boy! That's criminally low! My manure aint half as good and I get paid 3 times as much! You've been scammed!"
Stunned, the son collapses in a lawn chair turned towards his cattle pasture. He looks at the collecting pile of poop gathered in a corner.
"Man" he says "I'm not getting' paid enough for this shit".
OH I DEFINITELY DO NOT MIND A LITTLE BIT OF ALEXIS ADAMS
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
"Fred" he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred" the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The biker replies "It's a long story, so stay with me". I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realised that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred".
Well dudes, how was that? Wait wait don't tell me... you fucking loved it, it pushed you in to a state of joy and happiness you didn't know was possible? Yep, thought so.
-Follow me on Facebook. All Some of the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. Experience for yourself what one guy described as "good".
-Next update will be next Thursday because it's kind of my deal.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll spit in your eye.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
Welcome to the theme from M*A*S*H; now stuck in your head.
Hectic few days around the old homestead yet this update has managed to not only happen but be astonishingly good despite the chaos. I particularly think you guys will enjoy the everything. Check it...
When my uncle passed away, all the clocks in the house stopped at exactly the same time. He died in a gas explosion.
--
My daughter's school teacher rang me today saying "Young Sarah didn't turn up for school today". "I know, her mother died yesterday" I replied "She won't be back for a while". "I'm sorry to hear that" he sighed "How's she getting on?". "Very well" I replied "She's on her third lot of laundry and has already prepared dinner".
--
I was staying in a hotel last night. I phoned down to reception "Hi, this is room 26. Can I have a wake-up call please?" Desk clerk: "Certainly Sir! You're in your mid-30s, single, live with your mother, and you've achieved nothing in life!"
--
The Pope is on a stage handing out miracles to sick children. Billy walks on stage and asks "Can you help with my hearing?" The pope says "Yes" and puts his hands on Billy's ears, then prays, removes his hands and says "How is your hearing now". Billy says "I don't know, it's not till next Wednesday".
--
A mother thinks there's something strange going on and eventually decides to take a DNA test. She finds out that their child is actually not related to her or her husband at all. Wife: "Darling, there's something really important that we need to talk about. I did a DNA test and Roger isn't our biological child". Husband: "Of course he isn't, don't you remember? We were just leaving the hospital and the baby pooped hugely so you told me, 'Go and change the baby, I'll wait here.'"
--
Three senior citizens are sitting on a park bench complaining about their failing bodies. "Every morning, I get up at 6am" the first man explains "and I try to pee, but nothing but a trickle comes out". The second man adds "I get up at 6am too, and it feels like I've got to move my bowels, but I sit down on the toilet and nothing happens". The third man chimes in the conversation and tells his friends "I pee and move my bowels at exactly 7am every morning". "That's not bad" the first man responds. "Why are you complaining?" The third man admits "The problem is I don't usually wake up until 7.05am".
--
If this doesn't touch your heart, then you just don't have one. This is an incredible story of luck, happiness and inspiration! Can you believe it? This guy, Ade Bufford Taylor, from Live Oak, Florida wins $181 million in the lottery last Saturday, and then finds the love of his life just 2 days later! Talk about luck!!!
--
The physician was taking her four-year old daughter to pre-school. The doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still my heart, thought the doctor, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps! Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's - can I take your order?"
--
A man went to his lawyer and told him "My neighbour owes me $500 and he won't pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer. "Nope" replied the man. "Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1,000 he owes you" said the lawyer. "But it's only $500" replied the man. "Precisely. That's what he will reply and then you'll have your proof!"
The wife phoned me at work. "Did you ever feel a sensation in your face, like someone was stabbing one of those Voodoo dolls?" she asked me. "No" I replied, a bit puzzled. "How about now?"
--
My grief counsellor died the other day. He was so good, I didn't give a fuck.
--
A drunk guy stumbles into a bar and says "Those to my left you are all jerks. Those to my right, you are all idiots!" A tall, muscular guy slowly stands up, puts on his cowboy hat and quietly says to the guy "Well, I don't think I'm an idiot at all". "Alright" agrees the guy "you can go on the left".
--
My dad gave me some advice a few years ago. He said "Mate, if you ever get into a fight in the pub, just take a ball from the pool table and put it in your sock". Worst advice ever, I could hardly walk.
A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper.
When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says "Now remember... that's all-original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure you keep a tub of Vaseline with you. Rub it all over the seat so the water will just bead off".
The guy takes his new bike and goes to pick up his girlfriend. The girlfriend invites the guy over to her parents" house for dinner. This will be the first time he's ever eaten with her family.
"I should let you know the rule of the table" she said. "There is no talking allowed. The first person to talk at the table has to clean the dishes".
The guy doesn't think this is that big of a deal until he arrives at the family's house and looks in the kitchen. There must be at least three months" worth of dishes inside. They are stacked up to the ceiling, stinking and rotting of mould and old bits of food everywhere. The guy almost throws up at the smell and sight of such a disgusting state of affairs.
Dinner begins, and no one is saying a word. The tension is starting to get to the boyfriend, so he concocts a plan to make someone else speak first.
The guy drops his fork, goes over to his girlfriend at the table, throws her up on top and just starts fucking her in front of everyone. The father and mother are obviously mortified. But even with their jaws on the floor, no one says a word.
The guy stops and thinks to himself "This is going to be harder than I thought..." then he gets another idea...
Without hesitation, he runs over to the mother throws her up on the table and fucks the shit out of her, right in front of the father.
The dad is staring daggers through the boyfriend and turning bright red in anger. But still says nothing. The girlfriend is becoming teary eyed and covering her mouth with her hands, but doesn't make a peep.
The boyfriend stops fucking the mother and sits back down at his seat, completely flustered. He takes a gander out the window, and notices a sudden heavy rain has settled in. He then realises that his vintage motorbike is parked on the street, uncovered.
The boyfriend pops out of his seat and grabs his tub of Vaseline.
The dad jumps out of his chair and yells out " ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! I'LL DO THE GODDAMNED DISHES!"
An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said "Betty, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Betty replied "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you on three occasions during these 50 years, but always for a good reason".
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?" Betty said "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the bank manager and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?" Henry recalled the visit to the bank and said "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Betty asked "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge". "I recall that" said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time".
"All right" Betty said. "So do you remember when you were in the Golf Club you ran for President of the Club, and you needed 59 more votes...?"
Frank, the town postman, is retiring after 50 years on the job.
So he puts on his satchel and collects his last mailbag from the post office, and sets out on his last round.
First up he drops off a few letters at the local library. The librarian smiles and presents him with a leather-bound volume of The Complete Works of Charles Dickens. "Here you are, Frank. We know how much you like reading, now you're retiring you've got plenty of time for it now!"
Frank thanks him and continues on his route.
Next, Frank knocks on the door of the town pub. The landlady fetches him a good bottle of 12-year-old single malt whisky. "We've been keeping this for a special occasion. Pour yourself a large one on us and enjoy your retirement!"
Frank is touched by her gesture and moves onto the last address.
Frank knocks on the door of Mrs Smith. She answers the door in a negligée that leaves little to the imagination. "I've been expecting you, Frank. You'd better come in".
She leads him upstairs and proceeds to make mad, passionate love to him.
Frank's head is still spinning and as he gets dressed, Mrs Smith slips a $100 note into his shirt pocket. Before he has chance to say anything, Mrs Smith says "we're not done yet" and leads him down to the kitchen.
Mrs Smith then cooks a fantastic breakfast of bacon, eggs, sausage, hash browns, toast, the full works. As he finishes eating and takes a swig of his coffee, Frank finally has chance to ask.
"I must say Mrs Smith, everyone in the town has been very kind today, but you've been the kindest of all. Too kind, in fact! What on Earth could have moved you to such a gesture?"
Mrs Smith thinks for a moment, leaning against the kitchen worktop.
"Well, I was really racking my brains to think of something nice for you, so I asked my husband. He said 'Fuck him, just give him a few bucks' but breakfast was my idea!"
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his check-up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die".
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him".
"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly".
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely".
On the way home, the husband asked his wife "What did the doctor say?" "He said you're going to die" she replied.
An Irishman finds a magic lamp. He picks it up, gives it a rub, and out comes a genie.
"Master! you have freed me from the lamp! I will grant you three wishes!" "Wow, three? Okay, let me think for a moment..."
After a short period of deliberation, the Irishman had finally come up with something.
"I would like to have a pint of Guinness that magically fills all the way back up when I've finished it".
"Your wish is my command!" booms the genie, and suddenly in the Irishman's hand is a pint glass full to the brim of Guinness.
The man takes a few swigs to test it, likes what he's been given, and continues to down the rest of the drink. As soon as it was empty, the glass magically filled right back up with a fresh pint, which he also enjoys immediately just to see it fill up again. Infinite Guinness.
This happens a few more times before the genie starts to become a little impatient.
"Master, what may I grant you for your second wish?" The Irishman wipes his mouth, takes a gander at the glass in his hand and says "I'll have another one of these".
A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.
He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside, he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.
The man thinks "Hmm... all these sevens... I think the universe is trying to tell me something".
So feeling that maybe this is his lucky day, the man cuts out early from work and goes to the race track. He reads the racing schedule and sees that in the seventh race horse # 7 is called "Lucky Universe". The man can't believe it. He runs up to the teller and bets all his money on the horse.
The horse came in seventh.
YOU KNOW THAT THING ABOUT BEING RUDE TO POINT - IT DOESN'T ALWAYS APPLY!
A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah's Witness are lost.
They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.
"I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn" says the Farm Owner. The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.
"I'm sorry, but there is a cow in the barn, and they are sacred to me".
"No problem" says the Rabbi, and he goes to the barn. Again though, he returns and knocks. "There is also a pig in there, and that is against our teachings".
"I will go then, friends" says the Jehovah's Witness, and he proceeds to the barn. A few moments later, there is a knock at the door. It's the cow and the pig.
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of hay.
The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey, Will!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and have a bite with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up". "That's mighty nice of you" Will answered. "But I don't think my dad would like me to".
"Aw, come on". the farmer insisted. "Well okay" the boy finally agreed, and added "But dad won't like it".
After a hearty dinner, Will thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my dad is going to be real upset". "Don't be foolish!" the neighbour said with a smile. "By the way, where is your old man?"
A new, environmentally-conscious farmer starts using manure in place of fertilizer on his crops.
He gets the manure from his own cows, and within weeks notices a significant change with his wheat and other grains. They begin to flourish like he's never seen before, and he quickly begins heavily using this alternative method.
The blossoming crops attract the attention of an agriculture company nearby, and they send an infiltrator to try and get some secrets to success out of the boy.
The farmer gladly welcomes the businessman and cheerfully tells him about how well his manure works. Astounded, the man asks him if he'd be willing to set up a deal for this miracle-poo. The young man talks money after a while, and they come to a conclusion of $10 bucks per week in exchange for weekly pickups of manure from the company. Assured he got the better deal, the farmer walks away thinking "I'm gettin" a bit of extra money for literal bullcrap? It's my lucky day!"
Two months later, the young man's older, more experienced father comes by near the beginning of the harvest season he's impressed with how well the crops have outgrown his own. "Son" he says "This manure of yours is top-notch! You could be making a pretty penny off of this!"
Proudly, his son puffs out his chest. "Pa, I've been doing that for a while now! Selling it to the farmin" corporation not too far from here!" "Really?" his father asks. "For how much?"
The younger farmer tells him. His father's face flushes red.
"Boy! That's criminally low! My manure aint half as good and I get paid 3 times as much! You've been scammed!"
Stunned, the son collapses in a lawn chair turned towards his cattle pasture. He looks at the collecting pile of poop gathered in a corner.
"Man" he says "I'm not getting' paid enough for this shit".
OH I DEFINITELY DO NOT MIND A LITTLE BIT OF ALEXIS ADAMS
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
"Fred" he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred" the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The biker replies "It's a long story, so stay with me". I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realised that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred".
Well dudes, how was that? Wait wait don't tell me... you fucking loved it, it pushed you in to a state of joy and happiness you didn't know was possible? Yep, thought so.
-Follow me on Facebook. All Some of the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. Experience for yourself what one guy described as "good".
-Next update will be next Thursday because it's kind of my deal.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll spit in your eye.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2021.07.22-21.21
Welcome, or words to that effect.
Another one of those weeks with constant interruptions. It has absolutely been the trend lately. And I don't mean the phone ringing for 2 secs with your mate screaming "COCCCCCCCKKKKKK" down the line before abruptly hanging up. Stuff like actual meetings with actual human people, or having to go somewhere and do some thing. I was under the misguided impression that winter was supposed to be the time of year everything quietens down a bit, social activities are supposed to cease or at least reduce and you get a chance to catch-up. NOPE. Full fucking steam ahead! But hey, it could be worse - at least I'm not trans. Bwahaha.
Alright lets get stuck into this sweet update. Today we've cracked the century barrier for videos, don't even get me started on RS, nude babes in several titillating genres and a fuck-tonne of jokes. If that isn't enough then there's alllllways the Orsm archives. But for now... check it...
My girlfriend just text me: "thespacebuttonisbrokenonmyphonecanyoupleasegiveme analternative". Anybody know what "ternative" means?
--
"Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact, I've passed wind at least ten times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was doing because it doesn't smell and is silent". The doctor says, coming back from opening all the surgery doors and windows "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week". The next week the lady returns. "Doctor" she says "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent now stink terribly". "Good" the doctor says. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing. and your gas build-up"
--
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces. After that, we never played Monopoly again.
--
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened. When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died". "Thank heavens" his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
--
Three police officers were standing in line at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked the first officer "What did you do with your life?" "I was a police officer" he responded. "What kind of police officer?" Saint Peter asked. "I was a vice officer. I kept drugs off the streets and out of the hands of kids". "Welcome to heaven. You may end the gates". He asked the second man what he did as a police officer. "I was a traffic officer" said the man. "I kept the roads and highways safe". "Welcome to heaven. You may enter the gates". He asked the third man what he did as a police officer. "I was a military policeman, sir" replied the man. "Wonderful! I've been waiting for you all day!" replied Saint Peter. "I need to take a break! Watch the gate".
--
I saw two male lions trying to screw the shit out of each other by the side of the road. I thought to myself "Have they no pride?"
--
The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay. It began "Daddy fell into the well last week..." "My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he alright?" "He must be" said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday".
--
Got dragged along to a club with the wife. There was a guy on the dance floor going mental, twerking, breakdancing, spinning, moonwalking, back flips, the lot. He was the centre of attention. My wife turned to me and said "See that guy? 25 years ago, he proposed to me and I turned him down". I said "Yeah? I see he's still fucking celebrating!"
--
While sitting on the deck of the course bar after a round of golf, Bill is hit in the head with an errant drive. By the time the offending golfer finds him, Bill is already angry and holding an ice pack to his head. "I'm so sorry!" the golfer says. "It just got away from me!" "You'll be more than sorry!" Bill yells. "I'm going to sue you for $5 million for your carelessness". "I yelled 'fore,'" the golfer explains. "Fine" Bill answered. "I'll take four, $4 million".
--
I asked the young good looking Muslim girl next door who is very Westernised why she still walked 100 meters behind her husband, as this is a free country and women are not dominated like they are in Islamic culture. "Oh it's nothing to do with culture and domination " she told me "I'll be fucked if I want to be anywhere near him when he sets his vest off. "
--
I went to pick the missus up from weightwatcher and was eating a box of Maltesers. As I walked in, I tripped over a shoe and dropped the box. That was the best version of hungry hippo's I've ever seen...
Sick and tired of hearing these Olympic athletes say 'how much work they've put in and the sacrifices they've made'! What do they want? A fucking medal?
--
The graveside service had just ended when there was a frightening clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning accompanied by even louder thunder. The little old man looked at the priest and said calmly "Well, she's there".
--
On his deathbed, a lifelong Republican told his best friend that he was switching parties and becoming a Democrat. "My God" his friend replied "why would you do such a thing?" "Simple" the man muttered in his last breath "because I'd rather one of them die than one of us".
--
I told my mum I'd made a car out of spaghetti, but she didn't believe me! Should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
"Can I have a pint of beer, and a ham and cheese toastie?" The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a ham and cheese toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed. In walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie, please barman". The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub. Coaches have been put on for the crowds of patrons attending. The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year.
In walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie, please barman". The barman says "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them ham and cheese toasties". The rabbit looks aghast. The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says "We do have a very nice cheese and onion toastie". The rabbit looks him in the eye and says "Are you sure I will like it?" The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it". "Ok" says the rabbit "I'll have a pint of beer and a cheese and onion toastie".
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie. He then waves to the crowd and leaves...
... NEVER TO RETURN!!
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says "Who are you?" to which he is answered "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house". The barman says "I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous". The rabbit says "Yes I know".
The barman said "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any ham and cheese toasties. You had a cheese and onion one instead". The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it". The barman said "You never came back, what happened?" "I DIED" said the rabbit. "NO!" said the barman. "What from?" After a short pause. The rabbit said... "Mixin-me-toasties".
Pedro was a 'man about town' so to speak, but Maria was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees.
Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack. When Pedro was undressing Maria said "Oh Pedro, what is that?" Pedro being very quick thinking said "Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these". And, then, he proceeded to show her what it was for, and Maria was happy.
The next morning Pedro went off to work as usual. When he returned home that evening, Maria was on the front porch obviously upset about something.
"Pedro, you told me that you were the only man in the world with one of those, and I saw Gonzalez the gardener changing his clothes behind the shed, and he had one, too". Thinking fast, Pedro said "Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my very best friend. I had two of them so I gave him one. He is the only other man in the world with one of those".
Maria being very stupid accepted his answer and they did their thing again that night.
Pedro went off to work again the next morning and when he returned home, Maria was very upset, stamping her foot on the porch. Pedro said "Maria, what is the matter now?" "Pedro, you gave Gonzalez the best one!!"
On the way he encounters a homeless guy, who asks him if he can spare some money so he can buy dinner. Mike takes out his wallet and then pauses.
"How do I know you're not just going to go buy beer with this?" he asks. The homeless guy replies "Oh, I gave up drinking 20 years ago, haven't had a sip since". Mike then says "You know, you should spend the money on fishing equipment, that way it could supply you food more than once".
The homeless guy says "I haven't fished for a long time. I don't have the time for it, I spend all my time trying to survive day to day". Mike says "What about spending it on hunting equipment? That would also supply you with food more than once".
The homeless guy replies "Oh, I gave up hunting several years ago too". Mike replies "You know what? Instead of giving you money I'm going to take you to my home. You can take a nice hot shower and then eat a delicious home cooked meal that my wife prepared".
The homeless guy is shocked and pleased.
"That would be fantastic, thank you so much! Wait... don't you think your wife might be really upset if you bring some random homeless guy into your home?" Mike says "Don't you worry about that. It's much more important that she sees what happens to a man after he gives up drinking, fishing, and hunting!"
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy.
There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in
Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi Moishe to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever, and that the Jews could stay.
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened.
The Pope said "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue".
Meanwhile the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moishe.
"How did you win the debate?" they asked. "I haven't a clue" said Moishe. "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we're staying right here".
"And then what?" asked a woman. "Who knows?" said Moishe "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine".
HONESTLY, DO YOU EVEN CARE THAT REDHEADS HAVE NO SOUL?
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A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop.
He thinks that he's smarter than the cop because he's a lawyer from the one and only London and is certain that he has a better education than any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense.
Irish cop says "License and registration, please".
London Lawyer says "What for?" Irish cop says "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign".
London Lawyer says "I slowed down, and no one was coming". Irish cop says "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please".
London Lawyer says "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket".
Irish cop says "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir".
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says "Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down?!"
Only as she reached around in her little white cupboards, she realised she had no sugar for her little white cake.
Not to be disheartened she decided to wander next door to her neighbour, the little green man, to see if he would be kind enough to lend her some of his. So she closed her little white cupboards, grabbed her little white coat and went through her little white door, locking it behind her, walked down her little white stars to her little white path and out past her little white letterbox turning left to see the little green man.
The little green man was up a little green ladder painting his little green house the most amazing shade of green you have ever seen.
"Mr. Green" she shouted "Do you have a cup of sugar I can borrow?" The little green man could not hear her so he paced down his little green ladder and put down his little green bucket of paint and little green paintbrush and said "Sorry? Could you repeat that?" "Do you have a little cup of sugar I might borrow?" "I am sorry Ms. White but I am afraid not, I lent my sugar to Mr. Red as he is making his own beer, however he may have some left". "Ah thank you Mr. Green" she said, and wandered back down his little green path, out his little white gate, noticing for the first time Mr. green did not have a little green letterbox, rather a little green slit in his little green door. (This point will be important later).
Out she went walking back past her little white house and towards the traffic lights. Pressing the little silver button and waiting for the red crossing man to turn green before she crossed. As she waited, she began thinking about how her day of easy baking a little white cake had turned into such as disaster, and the sun was beginning to heat up considerably.
The crossing signal turned green and so she wandered towards the little red man's house. Passing his little red letterbox, down his little red path and towards his little red door. The little white woman knocked three times and waited for the little red man to open the door.
But he did not.
So she knocked again, louder this time. perhaps he was filling his little red bottles with beer. But still no reply. She tries the little red door handle. The little red door opens. She walks into his little red living room, and shouts "Mr Red, Are you hoooome?" "I'll be down in a minute, I was just showering". "Not a problem" she calls back upstairs.
The little red man emerges soon with a little red towel wrapped around his waist, little red chest hairs visible around his nipples. "I was wondering if I might borrow a cup of sugar for my little white cake?" "Ah no problem at all" said the little red man "you know I had to borrow some off the little green man across the road?" "Yes he did mention it".
The little red man got a little red chair from his little red dining room and placed it in the kitchen next to the little red bench, then stepped onto the chair to reach his quite high little red cupboards. "Can you please pass me a little red cup?" he asked as he opened the cupboards. The little white woman did so and as he turned to receive the cup his towel fell clean off and onto the floor. The little white woman was shocked! Never had she been so humiliated and abashed in her life and so without another word turned on the spot and half marched half ran out of his little red house, down his little red path and across the road towards her little white house. Where she was promptly hit by a big yellow truck.
By the time the ambulance arrived in their little blue van it was too late, the little white woman was dead. Which just goes to show, that you should never cross while the red man is flashing.
A retired Army General moves into a new apartment after quitting service.
Over the next few weeks, his new neighbours realised that on the weekends he would return to his apartment at 2am very drunk, remove his left boot and slam it on the floor, remove his right boot and slam it on the floor even harder and then go to sleep.
Since the force of these thunderous slams was enough to wake up almost everyone around him, and this was a family complex no less, the neighbours decided to go to his house and confront him about this one morning.
"Mr. General Sir, thank you for your service to our country, and we welcome you to our apartment complex". "Thank you"
"Sir, we realise that serving the country for so long can really take a toll on someone, and we want you to enjoy your retirement..." "Okay?"
"But, sir, can you please, kindly, not slam your boots down in the middle of the night once you return home on the weekends? It's waking us and our kids up". "Oh! I didn't know that. I am sorry for waking all of you up like that, how stupid of me, it won't happy again". "Thank you so much, sir"
The next weekend the General returns home drunk and sits on his bed. He removes his left boot and slams it on the floor. He removes his right boot and- "Wait a minute... this is what they were talking about, isn't it?" he says to himself in his drunken stupor. He gently places the right boot next to the left one and goes to bed.
An hour or so later the General wakes up to the sounds of the doorbell ringing continuously and heavy knocking on his door. He gets up, waddles over to the door and opens it to find a group of his neighbours standing outside in their nightclothes.
"SIR! Can you please just slam the other boot already so we can all get some sleep!!?"
You're playing in the golf club championship tournament finals and the match is halved at the end of 17 holes.
You have the honour and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin.
Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway.
Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball. Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match".
You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin. About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods: "I found it!"
The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole.
Now here is the ethical dilemma: Do you pull the cheating bastard's ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut?
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time.
She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, EVER have sex again - the strain would be too much!
The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation.
This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs - she's coming downstairs, he's heading up.
"Honey, I have a confession to make" the woman says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide". "I'm glad to hear it, sweetie" the man says "because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"
Yesterday my daughter emailed me, again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. "Like sitting around the pool, drinking wine isn't a good thing?" I asked.
(Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favourite topic of conversation.)
She is "only thinking of me" she said, and suggested, I go down to the Senior Centre and hang out with the fellas.
So, I did and when I got home, decided to play a prank on her.
I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.
She replied "Are you nuts? You're 86-years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club".
"Oh man, am I in trouble" I said "I signed up for five jumps a week!"
Two blokes living in the Australian outback saw a couple of jobs advertised by the Queen of England. She was looking for footmen, to walk beside her carriage.
They applied and were very happy to be flown to London for an interview with Her Majesty.
She says to them "Because my footmen must wear long white stockings, I must see your ankles to be sure they are not swollen or misshapen".
After they show her their ankles, the Queen says "It is also important that you don't have knobby knees, so I need to see your knees too".
Once she has seen their knees, she says "Now everything appears to be in shape, so I just need to see your testimonials".
Nine years later, when the pair are finally released from prison, one of the blokes says to the other "I reckon, if we just had a bit more education we would have got that job!"
Well fellas and IDK... bellas?... that's the 28th Orsm update for 2021 done, dusted and put to bed. If you ask me, it was a fucking pearler. Even if you don't ask me I'd still tell you the same thing soooo...
And now this:
-Follow me on Facebook. It'll be worth it... one day... maybe...
-Check out the archives. It's where the bodies are buried. Shhhh.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Teetering on the edge of August would you believe.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll tell them how much of a cunt you are.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2021.07.15-20.10
Welcome to ten cents for half an hour, in bed or in the shower... I want my money back, she's got a dirty crack.
Wow talk about exhausting updates. Some serious time and energy went into making it the Orsm gold that it is. I think the best thing for everyone is for me to just set it up and let you guys loose on it. Okay so basically what you'll find today is videos almost nudging triple digits, a fuckload of images arranged into galleries, a killed Random Shite dump, jokes plus a bunch of outbound links to stuff on mates' sites that I reckon you will love. If all that isn't enough then arguably the problem is more likely YOU. Now we've cleared that up, lets do this. Check it...
Monday my grandad goes to the cobblers to collect his shoes. The cobbler says. ''When did you drop them in mate?'' Grandad says. ''Wednesday, March the 10th, 1949.'' The Cobbler says. "You're having a laugh, mate. this shop has changed hands 17 times and we don't keep records anyway. Where's your ticket?'' Grandad opens his wallet and produces the ticket in perfect condition. The cobbler can't believe it, but goes down the cellar stairs and searches an hour for the shoes. He comes up the stairs all covered in cobwebs with a pair of shoes and says to grandad. ''Is this them?'' Grandad says ''Yes!'' all excited. The cobbler says ''They'll be ready Friday!''
--
A man enters a chemist and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. The pharmacist asks "What size?" The man replies "I do not know". Well, take this board with holes and go to the bathroom and measure. In 10 minutes the man comes back and tells the pharmacist "I have changed my mind, forget the condoms. How much is this board?"
--
Three guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a doctor, one was a lawyer, and one was a biker. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her". After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her". The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said "Yah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the T-shirt, she could go fuck herself".
--
A couple of old guys were golfing when one mentioned that he was going to go to Dr. Steinberg for a new set of dentures in the morning. His elderly buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before. "Is that so?" asked the first old guy. "Did he do a good job?" The second oldster replied "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when a guy on the next fairway hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 180 mph when it slammed me right in the nuts". The first old guy was confused and asked "What the hell does that have to do with your dentures?" "It was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt".
--
I cracked open a can of cider this morning and started drinking it. "Bit early to be drinking that" said the wife. "It's one of my five a day" I told her. "Just because it contains apples doesn't mean it counts as fruit" she said. "Who said anything about fruit" I asked.
--
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally, the husband exploded "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here".
--
An OAP had their second dose of the vaccine at the Vaccination Centre, after which they began to have blurred vision on the way home. When he got home, they called the Vaccination Centre for advice and to ask if he should go see a doctor, or the hospital. He was told NOT to go to a doctor or a hospital, but just return to the Vaccination Centre immediately and pick up his glasses.
--
I went fishing on my boat. I had been fishing for a while and hadn't caught anything until up to that moment, and, to make things worse. I ran out of baits. So I had this ingenious idea. I got a piece of paper and wrote "bait" on it, hooked it and threw it into the water. I was amazed when I felt something pulling the line. I reeled it back and to my surprise I found the piece of paper on the hook again. I decided to open it and, to my astonishment, I could read it say: "fish"!
--
The host looks at his question card. "Okay, here is your first question: What is 7 plus 5?" "Twelve" replied the rabbit. "That's correct! Now for question 2: What is 56 minus 37?" The rabbit thought for a moment. "Nineteen" "That's correct! Okay, now here is your grand prize question: How much is 1,297 times 142?" And without skipping a beat, the rabbit immediately replied "184,174, what else?" The host is surprised. "That's correct! But tell me, how did you get the final answer so quickly?" "Oh, that's easy" said the rabbit. "If there's one thing us rabbits can do, it's multiply!"
A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral when a man says to her "Do you mind if I say a word?" "No, go ahead" the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says "Plethora" and sits back down. "Thank you" the woman says. "That means a lot".
--
You meet a nice lady at a party, but how can you tell if she's a vegan? Give her a sec... she'll fucking tell you!
--
A man was giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He got a bit carried away and talked for two hours. Finally, he realised what he had done and said "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home". A voice from the back of the room replied "There's a bloody calendar behind you!"
--
A man walks into his doctor's office and says "Doctor, I think I'm addicted to Twitter". The doctor looks at him and says "Sorry, I don't follow you".
--
People claim to be into recycling, but watch their faces as you rinse out a condom.
A poor family lives on a farm and they rely on their chickens for income.
One morning, the father walks outside to find the chicken coop empty and the corpses of chickens on the ground.
"There's nothing that could help get us out of poverty now" says the dad as he shoots himself.
The mum walks outside and sees the dad and the chickens on the ground.
"I can't live without my husband" she says as she shoots herself with her husband's gun.
The daughter walks outside and sees her mother, father, and the dead chickens.
"I can't live any longer without my family" she says as she jumps into the river and kills herself.
The oldest son, 23-years-old, walks outside looking for the family and sees them all dead.
"Is there any way to bring them back?" he yells at the sky.
*POOF!* A magical fairy appears out of thin air.
"I will bring your whole family back to life, even the chickens" she says "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not, I get to kill you".
The boy fucks her 2 times in a row and he dies.
The middle son, 19-years-old, comes out and sees the fairy. She gives him the same offer as his brother.
"I will bring your whole family back to life, even the chickens" she says "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not, I get to kill you".
The son agrees to do it but can only do it 4 times. He dies.
The youngest son, 15-years-old, comes out and is given the same offer.
"I will bring your whole family back to life, even the chickens" she says "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not, I get to kill you".
The son says "What if I fuck you 10 times in a row?" The fairy thinks. She says "I will bring back your family and grant you fortune".
The son says "What if I fuck you 20 times in a row?" She thinks again and says "I will bring back your family, grant you fortune, and give you a mansion".
The son thinks and says "What if I fuck you 30 times in a row?" She thinks and says "I will bring back your family and ensure that your family bloodline remains rich for the next generations to come".
The son says "Wait, how do I know you'll survive it?" "What do you mean?" says the fairy. "The chickens didn't".
Joe is browsing in a pet store, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.
Joe says aloud "Jeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot".
"Holy cow" Joe replies "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word" says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, and thoroughly educated bird".
"Oh yeah?" Joe asks "Then answer this - how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?" "Well" the parrot says "this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers".
"Wow" says Joe. You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion".
Joe looks at the $200 price tag.
"Sorry, but I just can't afford that". "Pssst" says the parrot "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"
Joe offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational! He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises, and he's insightful.
Joe is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes "Pssst" and motions him over with one wing.
"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the delivery man". "What are you talking about?" asks Joe. "When the delivery man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie".
"WHAT!??"Joe asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the delivery man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims "and she let him!?" "Yes".
"Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over".
"THEN WHAT HAPPENED!!?" Joe demands. "I dunno. I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch!"
APPLYING SUN CREAM LOTION IS NOT-SO-STRANGELY EROTIC
Three men die in a car crash, arrive to the gates of hell, and Satan sees them personally.
"You three have lived as you have and now are here. Tell me what you enjoyed the most on Earth and you will suffer for a thousand years doing just that" Satan bellows.
The first man say's "Eat! I could eat all day and night".
Satan goes to a door, opens it, and there is food everywhere. Mountains of it. "I'll see you in a thousand years".
The man goes in and Satan shut's the door.
The second man says "Have sex! I could get laid all day and night".
Satan goes to a second door, opens it, and there are women of every race, height, shape, hair colour, everywhere. "I'll see you in a thousand years".
The man goes in and Satan shut's the door.
The third man say's "Smoke pot! I could blaze all day and night".
Satan goes to a third door, opens it, and there are mountains of marijuana everywhere. "I'll see you in a thousand years". The man goes in and Satan shut's the door.
A thousand years later, Satan goes to the first door and opens it. All the food is gone and the man is as big as a mountain.
"What did you learn?" Satan asks. "I'll never over-eat again!"
Satan let's him out.
Satan goes to the second door and opens it. Most of the women are pregnant, there are babies, dirty nappies and the sound of crying is deafening.
"What did you learn?" Satan asks. "I think I've turned gay". Said the man.
Satan let's him out.
Satan goes the third door and opens it. All of the pot is still sitting in the room and the man is sitting in the middle of the room crying.
Satan walks up to him and asks "Hey man, are you alright?" The man looks up and asks "You got a light man?!"
I think I have a problem, Doc" says a patient. "One of my balls has turned blue".
The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes that the patient will die if he doesn't have his testicle removed.
"Are you crazy?!" bursts the patient. "How could I let you do such a thing to me!" "You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, at which point the patient has to agree to have his testicle removed.
Two weeks after the operation, the patient comes back. "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too".
Again, the doctor tells him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off, too. Again, the man is very reluctant to the idea.
"Hey, you want to die?" asks the doctor, and the patient has to agree with the operation.
After two weeks of being testicle-less, the patient returns to the doctor and says "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue".
After briefly examining the patient, the doctor gives him the bad news - if he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, the patient does not want to hear it.
"You want to die?" asks the doctor. "But... how do I pee?" "We'll install a plastic pipe, and there will be no problem".
So the patient has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the unfortunate man enters the doctor's office again.
He is very angry.
"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!" "What?" "Can you tell me what the hell is happening??"
The doctor examines the patient more carefully and says "Hmmm, I don't know. Could it be the jeans?"
JUST SO WE'RE CLEAR - SKINNY DIPPING IS ALWAYS APPRECIATED !
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A fifteen-year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream "Where did you get that car?"
He calmly told them "I bought it today". "With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs!"
"Well" said the boy "this one cost me fifteen bucks".
The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen quid!?" they asked. "It was the lady up the street" said the boy. "Don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen bucks". "Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on".
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she has sold a Porsche for fifteen bucks and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well" she said "I thought my husband was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. This morning I got a phone call from my husband he claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did".
"What'll you have?" asks the bartender. The guy answers "A scotch, please".
The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars" to which the guy replies "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this".
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration".
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again".
The next day, same guy walks into the bar.
Bartender says "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!" The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double". To which the guy replies "Thank you. Make it a scotch".
The man took his birdie put, but then a gust of wind blew the ball just wide of the hole. The man, being very bad tempered, then exclaimed "Damn - missed the bastard!"
The vicar said to the man "Please do not use foul language again".
They moved onto the next hole and exactly the same thing happened - a gust of wind blew the ball just wide. Once again the man shouted "Damn - missed the bastard!"
This annoyed the vicar, so he turned to the man and said "Please do not use bad language again, or the heavens shall open and God will strike you down with a bolt of lightning!"
But once again, on the next hole a gust of wind blew the ball just wide, and the man screamed "Damn - missed the bastard!"
As soon as he said this the heavens opened and a lightning bolt shot down and struck the vicar. Then God's voice boomed "Damn - missed the bastard!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
An electrician dies and goes to heaven.
As he approaches the Pearly Gates, he passes an honour guard of heavenly trumpets, which are sounding a golden call in his praise.
"Oh" he thinks "this is very nice". He then sees a heavenly choir of angels, who are singing a hymn that is dedicated to him. "My word!" says the electrician to himself. "I didn't expect all this".
He arrives at the Pearly Gates, to see a smiling Saint Peter, waiting to greet him.
"Welcome, welcome!" says Saint Peter. "It's a great honour for us to welcome you!" "Well" says the electrician "You have done me proud, but is this usual?" "Not really" says Saint Peter "but it isn't every day that we get to welcome a soul who is 148 years old!" "But" says the electrician "I'm not 148 years old!" "You must be!" replies the saint. "We've been reading your timesheets!"
Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.
He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said "Hey, Murph! You just had you a son!" "Aint dat grand" Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said "Hold on! We aint finished yet!"
The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said "Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, She is a pretty lil ting, too..."
Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said "Hold on, we aint got done yet!"
The doctor then delivered another boy and said "Murph, you just had yourself another boy!" Murphy said to the doctor "Doc, what caused all of dem babies?" The doctor said "You never know, Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception".
Murphy said "Ah yeah, during conception".
When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said "Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 oil". She said "Yeah, I remember dat night..." Murph said "I'll tell you, it's a bloody good ting we didn't use WD-40!"
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice" he said "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes" she replied "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"
Well folks, that is about that. Not to downplay it or anything of couse; 'that' update was obviously fucking amazing.
-Follow me on Facebook. Promise I'll update the fucker one of these days..................................
-Check out the archives. Some seriously amazing content going back more than two decades that NEEDS to be seen.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Ya dig?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll be left feeling rather miffed believe me!
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and fuck spiders. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2021.07.08-19.55
Welcome to making it a criminal offence for men over 50 to have a ponytail.
I've managed to flee the farm for a coupla so this one is coming to you dudes from the road. Whilst its great to get away, it would have been nicer to go somewhere that had actual SUN and WARMTH. Thanks, COVID. This winter has been an arseholes cunt; a real piece of shit. Reportedly the coldest one for 26 years. But... in no way are we here to talk about the fucking weather so it's an uncomfortable annoyance, what isn't is this brand-new update. I pulled out all the stops and, not to oversell or exaggerate, have conjured what is quite possibly the most breathtaking thing you will see in your entire life. Check it...
A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies "He's a midget".
--
Two nuns are biking down a cobblestone path when one nun says to the other "I've never come this way before". The other nun replies "Must be the cobblestones".
--
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says "Hello". He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says "Do you know me?" To which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my kids". Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says "Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery??" She looks into his eyes and says calmly "No... I'm your son's teacher".
--
A young black kid asks his mother "Mama, what is Socialism and what is Racism?" "Well, child... Socialism is when the white folks work every day so we can get all our governmental entitlement stuff for free. You know... like our free cell phones for each family member, rent subsidy, food stamps, EBT, WIC, free school breakfast, lunch, and in some places supper; free healthcare, utility subsidy, and a Riot every now and then so we can loot... it's like shopping for free, and on and on... you know, that's Socialism". "But, mama, don't the white people get pissed off about that?" "Sure they do, Honey. That's called Racism. "
--
A man comes home from work to find his wife sitting on the porch with all of her bags packed and sitting around her. He gets out of the car and makes his way to the porch. "What are you doing?" he asks. "I'm going to Vegas where I can make $100 for what I give you for free!" He thinks a second, nods his head, and goes inside. The wife looks around, confused, expecting more of an argument. A few minutes later the man comes back out to the porch carrying two packed suitcases, and sits down next to her. Still confused, she looks at his bags and up at him. "Now, what are you doing?" The man replies "I'm going with you to see how you can live on $200 a year".
--
It's two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife are asleep, when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and says "Hello? How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" and promptly slams the phone down. His wife rolls over and asks "Who was that?" The husband replies. "I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear".
--
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be the famous 'Pharaoh Roche'.
--
John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door". John says "Well, give me some examples". Jill proceeds to tell him "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me". "The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either". Then Jill said "Honey, how do you unlock your door?" John proceeds to say "Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock".
I was walking through the cemetery and saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. I said, “Morning...” He said, “No. Taking a shit.”
--
There were 3 gnus, daddy Gnu, mummy Gnu and baby Gnu. They were getting hungry so daddy Gnu said he would go and get some food. After a couple of hours he didn't return, so mummy Gnu went out and looked for him. Unfortunately mummy Gnu also didn't return. Little baby Gnu died because of nothing to eat. So that was the end of the Gnus, now for the weather forecast.
--
My friend was about to get attacked by a duck. I tried to warn him, but it only made it worse.
--
A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a pint. "This is a special day for me", said the farmer. "I am celebrating." "This is a special day for me too. I am also celebrating," said the woman next to him. "What a coincidence!" said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!" "What a coincidence!" said the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again." "That's great!" said the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I used a different cock," he replied. The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said "What a coincidence!"
-Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Little India, formerly known as Australia.
-Tasmania executes last remaining Greenie.
-White minorities still trying to have English recognised as Australia's third language.
-Children from 2 parent heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance urged.
-Gay Marriages now overtake heterosexual marriages as preferred 'lifestyle' choice.
-Kookaburra and platypus plague threatens North Western Australia crops and livestock.
-Melbourne schoolgirl expelled for not wearing burqa; being a Christian is no excuse says school. Sharia law must be enforced.
-Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct and the scientific research fleet are unemployed. Australian Government have told the Japanese that cane toads taste like whale meat.
-Australia now has 10 Universities of Political Correctness. Professor Goldman of ANU says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think.
-Australian Deficit $10 trillion dollars and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime Minister Mohammed Youssef claims increased growth through more immigration secret to success.
-Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
-Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
-France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic countries. No other country volunteers to come forward to help the beleaguered nation!
-Jose Manuel Rodriguez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2052.
-Australia Post raises price of stamps to $18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
-After a 10-year, $75.8 billion study: Scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
-Average weight of an Australian drops to 115 kgs.
-Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
-Senate still blocking drilling in Canberra even though gas is selling for 5,000 Rupees per litre and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.
-Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Victims to be held partly responsible for crime.
-Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet, seven inches.
-New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2055 as lethal weapons.
-Australian Tax Office sets lowest tax rate at 75%.
-Richmond Tigers win this year's National Premiership beating the Hindu Hornets 20-11 to 13-18.
-South Asia (formerly Northern Territory) voters still having trouble with voting machines.
-Australia finally reaches 6% of the population vaccinated against COVID-19.
THERE'S A RIGHT AND WRONG WAY TO GET FROM A TO B - HERE'S THE RIGHT
This guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "About two hours".
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at his shop full of customers and says "About two hours".
The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "About an hour and a half".
The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes".
In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks "Bill, where did that guy go when he left here?" Bill looks at him and says "To your house".
A Bear and a Rabbit are walking through the woods, when they come across a magic lamp in a clearing.
Upon further investigation, and only 1 attempt to eat it, they release the genie inside who graciously grants them each 3 wishes.
Bear, who lives in the moment quickly says "I wish that every other bear in the forest was a hot lady bear who wanted my sweaty bear balls!"
Rabbit and the Genie are clearly disgusted, but Genie being a slave, begrudgingly grants the wish. While this was happening, Rabbit was considering his options, and when it was his turn to make a wish, he didn't wait either.
"I wish for a Harley Davidson, that I could ride, you know, one made for Rabbits!"
Genie smiles, and grants his wish.
Bear all this time, what little there was, is thinking about all that sweet bear action he is going to get, and he gets hornier and hornier, finally blurting out "I wish every other bear in the country, was a hot lady bear who wanted my sweaty bear balls".
Genie is even more disgusted, this time with himself, knowing in a single generation or two, bears will be nearly gone from this country, but being a servant, he grants the wish and bear sees a lady bear coming into the clearing and goes to her, and starts doing what comes naturally to a horny bear.
Rabbit, opposed to watching this, is checking out his sweet new ride, and notices he is missing something. He turns to the genie and says "I wish for all the accessories, and leather vests, and helmets, and saddle bags. I need all of them to be rabbit-sized, and I need holes in the helmet for my ears, and a sidecar, so I can take my friends on rides too".
Genie smiles and in a cloud of smoke, rabbit and his Harley disappear in a flash, and a cloud of smoke. When they reappear Rabbit is decked out, and his bike has enough chrome to make even the hardest biker jealous. Rabbit starts up the bike, and starts riding circles around the clearing.
Bear, who is on his 'lady friend' nearing completion, screams out over the noise of the Harley and smoke "I wish every other bear in the world was a hot lady bear, who wanted my sweaty bear balls!"
Genie and Rabbit stare at each other, wondering who will speak first after standing witness to the destruction of a species. All bears in the world are essentially dead, and only they know it.
Rabbit laughs, and rides across the clearing, screaming as he goes... "I WISH THAT BEAR WAS GAAAYYYYYYYYYYY!!"
The boss welcomes him on his first day and tells him that he has to leave for a while. "Will you be able to handle the store alone today?" The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's motivation, he finally agrees.
The boss leaves.
After some time, a white woman walks in.
Woman: "How much does that white dildo cost?" Employee: "$35"
Woman: "How much for the black one?" Employee: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one".
The woman purchases both and leaves. After about an hour a blonde woman walks into the store.
Woman: "How much for the white one?" Employee: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one".
Woman: "Hmm... how much is that plaid one on the shelf?" Employee: "Well that's a very special dildo... it'll cost you $200".
She thinks for a moment and answers "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before" pays him and leaves.
At the end of the day the boss arrives and asks the employee "How did you do while I was gone lad?" The employee says "I think I did well, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo and your thermos for $200".
33 TIMES A SHOWER WAS THE BEST THING HAPPENING ON THE BEACH
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Two virgins get married and go on their honeymoon.
Unfortunately, neither of them knows what to do so they call the groom's mother for advice. The mother says that they should sit together on the bed, kiss and snuggle, and things should happen from there.
The newlyweds do that but nothing happens.
The groom calls his mother back again and asks what to do now? She says that they should take off their clothes, get under the covers, and nature should take its course.
They follow her advice but still nothing.
He calls his mother again. By the time she is getting frustrated, and says "Listen dumbass! Just take the biggest thing you've got and stick it in her hairiest spot!"
The groom is quiet for a moment and then asks his mother "Okay, so I've got my nose in her armpit - now what?"
Two men crash a plane on a deserted island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
After their terrible ordeal one of the men walks all over the entire island and comes to the conclusion that there is no food or fresh water. He goes back to where his friend is to explain their predicament.
"I've searched this entire island and haven't found any food or water, we're going to die!"
The other man says "don't worry, I make $100,000 a week, we'll be fine".
"Yes, but don't you see, there's nothing to eat and without water we're doomed!"
"Like I said, I make a hundred grand each week. Don't worry, we'll be home in a day or two"
"Why in God's name do you keep saying that! How the heck is your money going to help us way out here?"
As the other guy sits there leaning back against the smashed plane he says with a smile "Every Sunday at church I put my tithe of 10% from the $100,000 in the offering plate like the good book instructs. My minister will find me".
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am" the officer replies "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers".
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time". the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119".
The engineer fumed "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him". He said "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens-keeper replied "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!".
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight".
The doctor said "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Little Johnny and his grandmother were shopping in a department store.
Little Johnny wanted to go to the toy department, but grandmother said that they had to stop in the ladies clothing department first. He obviously couldn't wait that long, and the next time his grandmother turned around he was gone. She panicked and looked everywhere for him, but he had disappeared.
Finally, she went to the customer service desk, intending to have them announce his name over the PA system. To her relief he was already there waiting for her. The woman at the desk said "He wanted us to announce your name over the PA system, but he didn't' know what your name was. We asked him what his daddy called you, and he replied 'Mum', next we asked him what Grandpa called you and he replied 'Sugar'. We were almost out of questions for him when another lady suggested that your daughter-in-law might call you by your first name".
"We were so happy to see you show up at the desk" she continued "because when we asked him what his mummy called you, we were out of ideas!"
"Well" asked Little Johnny's grandmother curiously "What did he say?" "He said" she replied "that his mother called you 'a bitch'".
Murphy applied for a fork-lift job at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin.
A Polish man applied for the same job, and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to Murphy and said "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Pole the job". Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish, surely I should get the job". Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong".
Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?" Manager: "That's simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don't know'. You put down, 'Neither do I'".
ABSOLUTELY PERFECT IN EVERY SINGLE WAY DOESN'T EVEN BEGIN TO COVER ALEX BLAKE
One day, a cat died of natural causes and went to heaven.
There he met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter said to the cat "You have lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know".
The cat thought for a moment and said "All my life I have lived with a poor family and have had to sleep on a hard wooden floor and hunt for food all day". "Say no more" Saint Peter replied, and *POOF* a wonderful, fluffy pillow appeared.
A few days later, a crate of sixty mice heading to the test labs were killed in a tragic road accident and went to heaven. Again, there was Saint Peter to greet them with the same offer. The mice answered "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. We are tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"
Instantly each mouse was fitted with a beautiful double pair of roller skates.
About a week later, Saint Peter stopped by to see the cat and found him snoozing on the pillow.
He gently woke the cat and asked "How are things for you since coming to heaven?" The cat stretched, yawned, and replied "It's wonderful here - even better than I could have expected. Especially those meals-on-wheels you've been sending by - those are the best!"
Well bro's that is about that for today. This was a surprisngly easy update and sometimes that's always a good thing to happen.
-Follow me on Facebook... if you want to of course. I'm not forcing you or anything.
-Check out the archives. Essentially every orsm awesome thing you have ever wanted to see from the last couple of decades assembled in one convenient place.
-Next update will be next Thursday. We'll be hitting the middle of July then would you believe!?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise you'll be reported to the internet police.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and eat more pies. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2021.07.01-21.44
Welcome to why don't you ask the questions then I'll listen whilst you give me the answers.
It's been an interesting week. It's been an interesting couple of weeks actually. We've descended back into lockdown which obviously sucks. A woman traveller who tested negative went positive and infected a couple of people. I guess as it hasn't really spread beyond those poor fuckers, the lockdown seems heavy handed but if it had gone the other way, probably not. *shrug* Honestly it hasn't affected me basically at all. Kids still went to school, GF still went to work and I stayed home plugging away at the update like I've done forever. There's also the positive knock-on effect of not having to see 'people'.
My highlight however was on Saturday before any of this happened. Was out front mowing the lawn because, even though its winter, I still want my neighbours to know I'm better than them. Anyway, I moved the car and parked it across the road so it was out of my way. As I'm pushing the mower along, some rando guy walks right past me, up to our car, and starts jiggling the door handles to get in. I call out "WHAT ARE YA DOING, MATE?!" at that exact moment one of his buddy's pulled up in a car, they exchanged words and he walked off. Okay so yes, the car was locked, he didn't do any damage and didn't get anything. I was just fucking shocked at the whole thing. It was literally broad daylight; I was less than 10 metres from the car. It wasn't even brazen because that denotes some element of boldness. There was none of that. He just could not have given one single fuck. This is one of those ones you could easily blame on him being a druggo POS but regardless, you end up wasting more time and energy making sure your shit is locked up, or the alarm is on, the family is safe and so on. People are dicks.
Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding. "Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant" says Jimmy. "A've goat everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the Minister, even ma stag night". Archie nods approvingly. "A've even boat a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy. "A kilt?" exclaims Archie "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in tha. What's the tartan?" "Och" says Jimmy "Ah'd imagine she'll be in white!
--
The Pope and Aussie Prime Minister Scott Morrison are on a stage in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leans towards ScoMo and said "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!" ScoMo replies "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand...? Show me!" So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage! And the crowd roared and cheered wildly and there was happiness throughout the land!
--
The Englishman takes a piss, and wipes his hands very thoroughly with 7 squares of toilet paper, while loudly proclaiming that "In England, we always do our job thoroughly". The Scotsman takes a piss, and wipes his hand with just one square of toilet paper, using every square inch of the paper, while loudly proclaiming that "In Scotland, not only do we do our job thoroughly, but also efficiently". The Irishman takes a piss, and walks right out while loudly proclaiming "In Ireland, we don't piss on our fucking hands".
--
A sadist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile, a pyromaniac and a masochist are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution. "Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile. "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it" says the sadist. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it" shouted the murderer. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again" said the necrophile. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it" said the pyromaniac. There was silence for a few seconds, and then the masochist looked down the bench and raised his eyebrows "Meow".
--
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had had her last meal, she flew down and began to eat. She ate and ate. Finally, she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away. She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As she looked around wondering what to do, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne, she would be able to take flight. Unfortunately, she was wrong and she dropped like a rock, and smashed when she hit the floor. Dead! The moral of the story: Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of crap!
--
As I sat down with a beer, my wife said "Paint the fence, clean the car, fix the roof...?" "Go to Paris, have sex with a model and stay sober" I replied. "What the fuck are you on about?" she snarled. "Oh" I said "I thought we were talking about things I'm not going to do today".
--
Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back "I don't know, I'll come up and see". He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?" The 92-year-old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says "I sure hope I never get that forgetful". He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door".
Red and Bubba, two mechanical engineers, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole" said Bubba "but we don't have a ladder". A women walked by and asked what they were doing. The woman Cindy said "Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox". She loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement, and announced "Eighteen feet, six inches" and walked away. Red shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a Miss Know-it-all woman! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
--
A man once counselled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his corn-flakes every morning. The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
--
A guy was nailing his interview when the employer said "Well you look great but I see here there was a 7-year gap since your last job, what happened there?" The guy says "Oh I went to Yale". The employer: "Oh great!! Well you're hired, you start Monday". Guy: "Yay! I got a yob!"
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Irish man answered his door to find a grim-faced constable waiting in the front yard.
"We're sorry, Mr. O' Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said the officer. "Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O'Flynn asked.
The constable said "I have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?" Fearing the worst, Mr. O' Flynn said "Give me the bad news first".
The constable said "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay". "Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O' Flynn.
Swallowing hard, he asked "What could possibly be the good news?" The constable continued "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch".
Stunned, Mr. O' Flynn demanded "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?" The constable replied "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow".
A 90-year-old man was having his annual check-up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun". The doctor continued "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?"
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No". The doctor finished "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear".
"That's kind of what I'm getting at" replied the doctor.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replied "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune".
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon.
He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise though the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and it was directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree".
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall".
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An old man went to the college that he went to when he was a youth.
He knocked on room number 3 of the hostel and said "May I come in. I lived in this very room forty years ago when I studied in this college".
A young man opened the door and let him in. The old man examined the room, fondly remembering everything.
He said "The same old room, the same old wooden table, the ventilator and the same old window that opens to the garden. And the same old bed".
When examining it he found a young girl under the bed. The young man got alarmed and said "Don't mistake me. She is my sister. She dropped her ear ring and is searching for it". The old man said "Yes... the same old story too".
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice.
"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you". The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die".
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel" the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
And then came the assumptions. And the assumptions were without form. And the plan was completely without substance. And the darkness was upon the face of the workers. And they spoke among themselves saying: "It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh".
And the workers went unto their supervisors, and sayeth: "It is a pail of dung, and none can abide the odour thereof".
And the supervisors went unto their managers and sayeth unto them "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none can abide it".
And the managers went unto the directors and sayeth "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none can abide its strength".
And the directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another: "It contains that which aids plant growth, and is very strong".
And the directors went unto the vice presidents and sayeth to them "It promotes growth, and is very powerful".
And the vice presidents went unto the president, and sayeth unto him "This new plan will actively promote growth and efficiency of this company, and certain areas in particular".
And the president looked upon the plan, and saw that it was good. And the plan became policy.
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl.
The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs". The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.
And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs.
Then she says "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs" and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten-dollar bill.
The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.
Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis".
All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A man joins an extremely exclusive nudist club.
The first day in the camp he undresses and starts walking around a bit uncomfortably. The first person he meets is an extremely beautiful busty blonde and the man gets an erection immediately. The woman notices his erection, comes up to him and says "Sir, you called me?". The man replies "No, absolutely not; what do you mean?" She says "Oh, you must be new here. I'll explain it to you. It's one of the rules here that if you get an erection, it's assumed you called me". Smiling, she takes him to the side of the pool, lays down on her towel, pulls him over and lets him indulge his passions on her.
The man continues his exploration and arrives at a sauna. When he sits down, he suddenly has to pass gas and within a few minutes a huge, rather revolting, hairy man emerges. "You called me?" he asks. "No, what do you mean" says the newcomer. "Oh, you must be new here, the man says. "It's one of the rules here that if you fart, it is assumed you called me". He grabs the man, turns him around and begins to act out all his fantasies with the newcomer.
The newcomer eventually waddles back to the office of the nudist camp, where he is greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist.
"Can I help you, sir?" she asks politely. The man shouts "Here is my membership card, here is my key and keep my $1,500 membership fee. "I'm leaving immediately!". "But sir" she replies "You've only been here for a few hours and you haven't even looked at all our facilities".
"Listen" the man says "I'm 65 years old, I only get an erection about once a month, but I have to fart at least 15 times a day!!".
He is named the Amazing Octodad, seriously it's on his T-shirt. He heads to the bar, gets a beer and waits for the music to stop. A cute blonde gives a weird WTF look when a tentacle starts wriggling over to tickle her leg but Octodad just winks and says "This is my friend Octobud. He's a musician". She giggle's and goes about her business. Octodad discreetly pulls a chair closer while the music plays. It's an open mic night so all kinds of people with different instruments want to get up and jam.
When the song is over Octodad stands up on the chair and proclaims "My name is Octodad and this here is my pet octopus and he can play any instrument at all!" People guffaw. "Pfft, yea right buddy, get lost". "I'm serious!" he shouts. "His name is Octobud and I'll bet anyone in here $50 he can play any instrument you put in front of him!"
The crowd giggles and stirs as expected for a couple of minutes while the mood kind of settles until the trumpet player, just walking off stage says "All right man. Let's see what your little buddy can do!"
Octobud picks up the trumpet, wipes off the mouthpiece (because jazz players eww), and begins to trumpet out a medley so soothing and soft one girl even starts crying. People are shocked when the song is over. Jaws are dropped staring at an octopus on a bar.
Octodad takes the $50 off the table. "Any others want to try and stump my little friend here?" And the crowd piles forward cheering and reaching for their money and any weird instruments they brought with them. People are running out the door to run home and get instruments like that weird thing with strings Aunt Bertha brought back from Uganda that one time....
A trombone was next. Dude thought OG'Puss couldn't reach. Wrong. Cello player thinking Octobud couldn't use his suckers on a neck. Wrong. The house drummer actually tried. Like c'mon man it's a frigging octopus, of course he nails the drums. Gloriously.
Now while all this was going on it was a peaceful night outside. Old Angus Mc'Cloud saw the octopus come in and heard Octodad sing his little buddies praises. That brought on a smirk when he heard that.
... off to home he went.
On Angus's way back into the bar with a sack under his arm, little Octobud was really starting to draw a crowd! People were still cramming into the place to watch that little slimy dude play some crazy lick's!
Upon entering there was a cacophony of maracas and tambourines, and somehow a cymbal from the ceiling fan, being played by Octobud who is now on stage and people are cheering him on.
So when the song is over Angus takes his bag from under his arm and heads for the stage. "Ay ye wee little prick! Ae wanna see ya trinnea play a diddly on this little doozy". Nobody has seen bagpipes basically ever.
The crowd is hushed. Octobud is inspecting the bagpipes, tilting his head left and right, blinking a little too hard maybe. Octodad leans over and kind of whispers "Hey bud, c'mon. You can play this right?" To which Octobud replies "Play it?! As soon as I figure out how to get its pyjama's off I'm going to fuck it!"
Abdul and his friend Mohammed are trying to migrate to Australia as skilled workers.
They go to the Australian embassy in Lahore and start filling out the application. Mohammed goes into an interview room with an embassy officer and they start discussing his work experience and whether he qualifies as skilled labour.
"So what do you do, Mohammed?" says the embassy worker. "I work in a women's underwear factory and I cut out the underwear fabric before its gets stitched up". "I'm sorry" says the embassy guy "but that's not skilled labour. We can't give you a visa".
A dejected Mohammed went back to the waiting room and waited for Abdul.
A few minutes later, Abdul comes out so excited. He got his work visa! He's going to Australia!
Disappointed, Mohammed asked the embassy worker why Abdul got a visa and not him.
"Well" said the embassy guy "Abdul is a diesel fitter, which is the kind of skilled labour we need in
Australia". "What do you mean?" says Mohammed. "Abdul works at the same factory as me. I cut the underwear's out, and then when the ladies come in to buy them from the shop, he holds up the underwear's and says 'These'll fit her'".
Well boys and girls that is IT! It's been a delight assembling this behemoth and hopefully you guys have enjoyed it. As for the stuff you need to know, read on...
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. It's the decent thing to do.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Might actually be early. Also, might not.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise... I'll do something you're not going to like..
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems... but get the vaccine. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
![[masks] You Need A Mask](/thumbs/[masks]-you-need-a-mask.jpg)
![Rappin' Retard [2021 Edition]](/thumbs/rappin-retard-2021-edition.jpg)
![[Shocking] Domestic Incident](/thumbs/shocking-domestic-incident.jpg)
