Pretty unnotable week. For example, I Googled 'unnotable' to find out if its really a word. Thankfully it wasn't without fuckfaces so not *totally* unnotable. The biggest fuckface however is a toss-up between two middle-aged, rude, joyless hags. Not Karen's... just bitches who the general public shouldn't have to deal with. You know the type. FF#1 served me when filling a script at the chemist. I asked if they could fill it plus the repeat [specified by a doctor] to save making a trip back in a few weeks. "No... and if you take the script to another chemist, they'll be able to look it up and see that you've already filled one of the repeats". If you didn't get that, she implied that I'm a druggo. My COVID-inspired dad bod disagrees. I thanked her, then handed over a large bag of old, unused prescription medication I'd brought there for proper disposal. Idiot. FF#2 works at the bank; another sour trout who works in a people-facing job, tormenting customers, ruining her employer's rep, doing the absolute bare minimum until retirement. When depositing a cheque sent to me BY THE BANK, I received a snooty little lecture on how it would take 7 days to clear. "But it's a BANK CHEQUE from YOUR BANK. Do you expect it not to clear?". Eyeroll. Turns and asks her colleague my question. Eye roll. Aaand they did it. FF#4 - honourable mention for Clive Palmer. What a cunt. And FF#5-7 are those girls from Queensland who lied and crossed the border spreading COVID everywhere. That should about do it with the fuckfaces. And that will make a lot of sense because anyone who produces an update of this magnitude definitely couldn't be a fuckface. Check it...
Little Johnny walks into his dad's bedroom and sees him sliding on a condom. His father tries to hide it by bending over, as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asks curiously "What are you doing, dad?" His father quickly replies "I thought I saw a mouse go underneath the bed". Little Johnny replies "What are you gonna do? Fuck him?"
--
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the Forrest when she sees the wolf crouched behind a tree. "I can see you, Big Bad Wolf" she shouts, and the wolf runs away. Five minutes later and there's the wolf couched behind the tree again. "I can see you, Big Bad Wolf" she shouts and the wolf again runs off. Another 5 minutes and there he is again. "I can see you, Big Bad Wolf!!" And the wolf shouts "I wish you'd fuck off! I'm trying to have a shit!"
--
This ageing man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anaesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me... I've left instructions for your mother to come and live with you and your wife..."
--
A bride tells her husband "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison". And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped". Turning on his side, he smiles and says "Then we will have to re-imprison him". After the second time, the bride says "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again. The bride again says "Honey, the prisoner escaped again" to which the husband yelled "Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"
--
A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says "Two Brazilian men die in a freak skydiving accident." The blonde upset by this, starts sobbing "That's horrible! So many men being killed that way!" Confused the Husband explains "Yes dear it is sad, but there is a risk involved in sky diving" After a few minutes the blonde wife, still sobbing says "How many is a Brazilion?"
--
One day the first-grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said "I think he said 'Holy SHIT! A talking pig!'"
--
The owner of a chemist walks in to find a guy pushing his back against a wall. The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" Clerk "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative". Owner "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" Clerk "Oh yeah? Look at him... he's too fucking scared to cough!"
--
Employee rings his boss "I can't come to work today, I'm sick!" Boss "Oh yeah, how sick are you?" Employee "I'm in bed with my sister".
People say that I'm a bad person... but I reckon they're just jealous that they can't kick pigeons as far as I can.
--
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death". He turned around and said "So you want me to stay then?"
--
An old man was crossing the street. When he got half way across a car came speeding towards him. He quickly started back but the car changed lanes and was coming right at him. He once again headed across but the car changed lanes again. The old man finally just stopped right there in the middle of the road and the car screeched to a halt beside him. The car window rolled down and a squirrel that was driving stuck his head out and said "It's not that easy, is it?!!"
--
I got pulled over by the Police last night and ordered to get out of my car by a female Police officer. "You're staggering" said the officer. "Well thanks. You're not a bad looking yourself" I replied.
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara Desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke "Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim".
"I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two..."
"I agree," says the Father. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything, Father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours." "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes, Sister?" "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?" "I suppose that would be okay," the Priest replied, lifted his robe, and almost immediately he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert this in the right place, it can give life."
"Is that true Father?"
"Yes, it is, Sister."
"Oh Father, that's wonderful... stick it in the camel and let's get the fuck out of here!"
GASH FLASH: USUALLY A SIGN GOOD THINGS ARE TO COME
A farmer and his wife were headed to market one day. They get a few miles down the road and the mule pulling the wagon just stops and refuses to move.
The farmer gets off of the wagon and walks around to the front of the wagon, grabs the mule by the ears and looks him in the eyes and says "That's one".
The farmer climbs back on the wagon and they get a few more miles down the road when the mule just stops again. So, the farmer gets off the wagon and grabs the mule by the ears again and looks him in the eyes and says "That's two".
The farmer gets back on the wagon and they get a few more miles down the road when the mule stops again. The farmer just gets off the wagon with his shotgun and shoots the mule dead right there in the road.
The farmer's wife starts yelling at him "Why did you do that? We are miles from town and miles from home what the hell is wrong with you are you stupid?!!"
The farmer walks up to his wife and grabs her by the ears and says "That's one".
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is that you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven".
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said "I want to hang out with God".
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognised Arthur and said "So you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?" Arthur said "Yeah, that's me..."
God said "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?" Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally said "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said "Ah... yes".
"Well" said Arthur "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention! For example:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!"
"Hmm, you may have some good points there" said God "Hold on".
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words, and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed" God said to Arthur "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours".
A gay couple is traveling on a plane. Let's call them Simon and Brad.
"What if we had sex?" asks Simon. "Are you crazy? Here... on the plane? It would be awkward... everyone would watch us doing it!" "Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
Simon stands up and asks loudly "Could I have a pencil, please?" Nobody bats an eyelid. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.
"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Brad. So Simon and Brad have wild sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.
"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!" "I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the arse..."
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
A woman traveling on the bus badly needs to pee. She asks the driver to stop the bus. He says that they are running late and he cannot stop and that she will have to do it some other way.
Keeping everyone's comfort in mind, she decides that she will simply pee out of the window. So, she goes to the end of the bus and relieves herself from the window.
Unfortunately, a biker trying to overtake the bus gets hit by some of the pee.
Furious, the biker forces the bus to a stop and asks everyone in an angry tone "Which one of you motherfuckers spat at me?"
Ashamed of involving everyone in the bus, the lady steps forward and claims responsibility. But the man refuses to believe her. He goes again "I know it wasn't you! So which one of you motherfuckers did it?"
The lady steps forward again and says "Please don't yell at them, they are good people. It was me who did it".
The man then says "Lady, I don't know why you are trying to help the culprit but I know what I saw! It was a man who did it and he has a big moustache!"
NOT EVERYONE LOOKS GOOD UNDER A WATERFALL... BUT BEING NAKED DEFINITELY HELPS.
Tex Ritter, the famous singing cowboy, was returning to his ranch on his steed, from the town where he had sung the night before. A troupe of tired soldiers was coming the other way. They stopped when they met and the Captain spoke to Tex.
"You're Tex Ritter the singing cowboy, aren't you?" "That I am, Captain" Tex said proudly. "Well Tex, I've some really bad news for you. We have just come from your ranch... or what's left of it. Your wife was raped by the injuns... and then scalped. All your cattle have been stolen. Your children, well, just too gruesome to tell... and your house burnt down".
Now Tex was a tough man. But on hearing this terrible news a tear came to his eye.
"And Old Faithful my dog - any news?" "The injuns cooked him and ate him right up, Tex. Sorry".
Tex bowed his head and big tears began to flow.
The Captain spoke. "Tex, the men are weary and hungry, and we have to leave now, to get to the fort before sundown. But before we go; any chance of a song?"
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was "Do you have a condom?" Donald frowned and said "No".
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk" she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms. "Yes, we do" the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked "Would you like me to put that on your bill?" "No!" Donald quacked "What kind of a fucking pervert do you think I am?"
THESE GIRLS KNOW HOW TO MAKE YOUR EYES POP OUT OF YOUR HEAD...
A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door, a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a moment hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.
Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled "Well, did anyone else see my face?"
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak then, one old man tentatively raised his hand and said "My wife got a pretty good look at you".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said "You must be in the 5th grade".
"No, ma'am" he replied "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help".
A very naive Irish farmer visits London. His first time outside the country. As soon as he arrives, he visits a pub and starts drinking. He thinks it's like home and is chatting to everyone and buying them drinks.
He meets a very good-looking woman and buys her drinks all night. Soon he realises that he hasn't found a place to stay as yet. She tells him he can stay with her.
When they arrive at her house, she shows him the bedroom and tells him he can sleep there and of course she joins him. They have a great night of sex.
About a month later he's at home working in his field when a large car pulls up and a man carrying a briefcase approaches him. The man says "Paddy, you visited London a few weeks ago and met a woman who is actually my wife and you ended up in my house and in my bed having sex". The man produces large colour photos of them in the bed and smaller black and white images taken from a hidden camera and asks Paddy what he's going to do about it.
Paddy tells him that he had a great night and to show his appreciation he'll buy 5 of the colour photos and 4 of the black and white.
A 75-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.
The next day the 75-year-old reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, and then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth; first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out still nothing. We even called up Shannon, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing!"
The doctor was shocked "You asked your neighbour?"
The old man replied "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get that damned jar open!"
Well yes, it really has come to that point. Time to goooooooo..... :-(
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. Umm... well... it has done, from time to time.
-Check out the archives. They are your best defense against loneliness in these times of isolation.
-Next update will be next Thursday. How can I be sure? Because its literally the only thing I'm good at.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will eat your young and show absolutely no remorse. He's hungry, not empathic.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems... but if you have them please share. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2020.07.23-23.11 (FML+1M)
Welcome to I don't know who needs to hear this but no one ever ate something just because it had goji berries in it.
Yet another in a long line of updates that just would not get into line. So here we are well past schedule, overtired, slightly frustrated and doing everything I can to hold back the tears... JOKING... I don't get frustrated. What is good however is these updates are always the best ones. Go check it for yourself...
There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So, the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. He turned to the mental patient and said "I don't hear anything". The mental patient said "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"
--
A policeman on a motorcycle pulls over a car. "What's up?" says the driver. "Your wife fell out the passenger door three miles back" says the policeman. "Thank goodness for that" says the driver. "I thought I'd gone deaf".
--
After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. Corona's president sits down and says "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona". The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. Then Budweiser's president says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser". The bartender gives him one. Coors' president says "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors". He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says "Give me a Coke". The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I".
--
The Sunday School Teacher asks, Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating? "No sir" Little Johnny replies "I don't have to... my mum is a good cook".
--
A man has some tests done. And he asked the doctor what's wrong. The doctor says you have leg cancer. Then he says "I have some good news and some bad news". The patient says "Alright what the bad news is?" The doctor says "I have to amputate your leg". The patient asks "What is the good news?" "The guy in the bed beside you is offering to buy your slippers".
--
A man working with an electric saw accidentally saws off all 10 fingers. He rushes to the emergency room. The doctor says "Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do". "But I don't have the fingers!" "Why didn't you bring the fingers?!" asks the incredulous doctor. "I couldn't pick them up".
--
This guy and this girl are at the end of their blind date and before he says good night to her, she asks if he wants to come in for a drink. Of course he agrees. So they go in the house and in her room and where says "Close your eyes. I have a surprise for you". She later says "You can open your eyes now". He opens them and, much to his surprise, she has whipped cream all over her pussy. He dives right in and starts eating the whip cream until he finds himself with a mouthful of dick. The girl starts crying and says "I should never lied to you; I'm a man! My name is Bob and I'm a plumber from Massachusetts. And the guy with a shocked look says "I thought you were from Boston!"
--
One day little johnny was playing outside and he really had to use the bathroom. At that time his grandma was getting in the shower. As she got undressed, he looked down and said "What's that?" The grandma replied "That's my beaver". Little johnny said "Okay" The next day the same thing happened except this time it was his mum. Little johnny said "Mum, I know what that is, it's a beaver". Mum said "Did grandma tell you that?" Little johnny replied "Yes but I think grandmas is dead. Her beaver's tongue is sticking out".
Bought a new thesaurus today. It's nothing to write house about.
--
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead". There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says "Okay, now what?"
--
There is a brunette and a blonde hanging over the edge of a cliff off a piece of rope. They realise that the rope will break if one of them doesn't let go and they will both fall to their deaths. The brunette starts this big heart-warming speech about how she is going to sacrifice herself. At the end of the speech the blonde starts clapping.
--
I went to the doctors yesterday. He said "Drop your strides and bend over". I swear he put his head up my arse. "Can't see anything wrong in there" he said as I was getting dressed. "Thank you, doc. Is that it then? Clean bill of health?" "Almost" he said "Though I'd get that loose tooth sorted ASAP".
AUGUST 31st
Just got transferred with work from grey old London to our new home in Newman, Western Australia. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.
SEPTEMBER 13th
Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper.
SEPTEMBER 30th
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
OCTOBER 10th
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatising is taking longer than I expected.
OCTOBER 15th
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
OCTOBER 20th
Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.
OCTOBER 25th
This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant fuckin' blow dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from fuckin' Perth.
OCTOBER 30th
The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the fuckin' aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Bloody $800,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?
NOVEMBER 4th
Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 30.
Stupid repairman.
NOVEMBER 8th
If one more smart arse says 'Hot enough for you today?', I'm going to fuckin' throttle him. Fuckin' heat! By the time I get to work, the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking fuckin' wet and I smell like baked cat!
NOVEMBER 9th
Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my fuckin' arse was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and my fuckin' arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat!
NOVEMBER 10th
Weather report! It might as well be a fuckin' recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and fuckin' sunny! It's been too hot to do anything for two fuckin' months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn fuckin' place. Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the fuckin' pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the fuckin' flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the cunts!
NOVEMBER 20th
Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 fuckin' degrees today. Now the air conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid prick. Fuckin' Newman! What kind of sick, demented fuckin' idiot would want to live here!
DECEMBER 1st
WHAT THE FFFFFFFFFF!!!! The first day of Summer!!!! You are fuckin' kidding!
Jesus Christ is dying on the cross, his disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him "Peter, come!"
Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the Roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disciples when he hears Jesus calling again "Peter, come!"
So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier draws his sword and chops Peter's arm off!
Peter is getting a little pissed and wants to go back to his buddies, but again Jesus summons. The Roman guard can't believe that Peter is trying yet AGAIN to climb to the cross, and chops off another arm!
Peter is now covered in blood and demented from the blow to the head and wants to call it a day. Jesus hoarsely croaks "Peter, please, come to me!"
By now, the roman guard is tired of chopping limbs, so he lets Peter be. The faithful disciple struggles to climb the cross (without arms) and after a long while he finally arrives at his Lord's side.
Hurting, suffering, bleeding, Peter looks into his Master's eyes and asks "yes, my Lord. What is it?" Jesus smiles lovingly and looks off into the distance as a weak smile plays across his face "Look Peter, I can see your house from here!"
I don't know who wrote this -OR WHY- but I shouldn't have to suffer it on my own...
You sit on the toilet to jack off, but you begin to cum uncontrollably. After ten spurts you start to worry. Your hand is sticky and it reeks of semen. You desperately shove your dick into a wad of toilet paper, but that only makes your balls hurt. The cum accelerates.
It's been three minutes. You can't stop cumming. Your bathroom floor is covered in a thin layer of baby fluid. You try to cum into the shower drain but it builds up too fast. You try the toilet. The cum is too thick to be flushed. You lock the bathroom door to prevent the cum from escaping. The air grows hot and humid from the cum. The cum accelerates.
You slip and fall in your own sperm. The cum is now six inches deep, almost as long as your still-erect semen hose. Sprawled on your back, you begin to cum all over the ceiling. Globs of the sticky white fluid begin to fall like raindrops, giving you a facial with your own cum. The cum accelerates.
You struggle to stand as the force of the cum begins to propel you backwards as if you were on a bukkake themed slip-and-slide. Still on your knees, the cum is now at chin height. To avoid drowning you open the bathroom door. The deluge of man juice reminds you of the Great Molasses Flood of 1919, only with cum instead of molasses. The cum accelerates.
It's been two hours. Your children and wife scream in terror as their bodies are engulfed by the snow-white sludge. Your youngest child goes under, with viscous bubbles and muffled cries rising from the goop. You plead to God to end your suffering. The cum accelerates.
You squeeze your dick to stop the cum, but it begins to leak out of your asshole instead. You let go. The force of the cum tears your urethra open, leaving only a gaping hole in your crotch that spews semen. Your body picks up speed as it slides backwards along the cum. You smash through the wall, hurtling into the sky at thirty miles an hour. From a bird's eye view you see your house is completely white. Your neighbour calls the cops. The cum accelerates.
As you continue to ascend, you spot police cars racing towards your house. The cops pull out their guns and take aim, but stray loads of cum hit them in the eyes, blinding them. The cum accelerates.
You are now at an altitude of 1000 feet. The SWAT team arrives. Military helicopters circle you. Hundreds of bullets pierce your body at once, yet you stay conscious. Your testicles have now grown into a substitute brain. The cum accelerates.
It has been two days. With your body now destroyed, the cum begins to spray in all directions. You break the sound barrier. The government deploys fighter jets to chase you down, but the impact of your cum sends one plane crashing to the ground. The government decides to let you leave the earth. You feel your gonads start to burn up as you reach the edges of the atmosphere. You narrowly miss the ISS, giving it a new white paint job as you fly past. Physicists struggle to calculate your erratic trajectory. The cum accelerates.
The cum begins to gravitate towards itself, forming a comet trail of semen. Astronomers begin calling you the "Cummet". You are stuck in space forever, stripped of your body and senses, forced to endure an eternity of cumshots.
I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in Melbourne and one of my sisters, who lives in Perth, is married to a guy from New Zealand. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes.
I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in for the rape and murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held on remand on charges of incest with his three children and beating his wife.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who indeed is still a part time working girl in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as her HIV is now quite advanced.
We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancée utilising her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.
My problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her but should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Kiwi?
LIKING [THESE] SHORT HAIRED GIRLS DOESN'T MAKE YOU GAY
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Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.
Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines. The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said "I think I'll get up and get a coke". "No problem" said the Soldier "I'll get it for you".
While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier's shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said "That looks good, I think I'll have one too".
Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier's other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.
As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" the Soldier asked. "This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes; pissing in cokes?"
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt.
His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the chemist store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. "Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10".
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.
Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks".
Later that evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Get her into rehab. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better".
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday".
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your Honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever". "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? " "I used a diagram, your Honour. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain BEFORE drugs and the small circle is your brain AFTER drugs". "That's admirable" says the judge.
Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" "Well, your Honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever". "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar diagram" the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said 'This is your arsehole BEFORE prison... '"
A trucker has been on the road for the long haul and is feeling pretty horny. He knows there is whorehouse just up ahead so he stops in there for a quickie with his favourite girl.
At the door he is greeted by the old madam. She says all the girls are engaged and would he be able to wait? He said he was in a big hurry and needed to get back on the road. The madam said she understood and also that she had taken care of more than a few men in her day and would be glad to take care of him as well.
The trucker thought what the hell, he would give the madam a quick roll and then be back on the road.
Upstairs in the room with his clothes off and ready for action, the madam informs him that she is a bit dry 'down there'. She then pops out her one glass eye, and tells him to put his dick in there. The trucker is thinking this is really strange, but what hell he just goes for it. It fits right in, feels great, and soon enough he gets off.
He pays her afterwards and thanks her for a great job!
As they are parting at the front door, she tells him "Sonny come by anytime. I will be sure to keep...... an eye out for you".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A guy is walking through downtown and passes a porn shop that his buddy owns. He decides to go in and say hi.
He walks in and his buddy Jim is behind the counter. When Jim sees his old friend, he says "any chance you could look after the shop for a bit, I haven't had lunch yet". "No problem, go grab some food" the guy says.
About 10 minutes go by and a white lady walks into the shop. "How much for that white dildo?" She says. "Uh, the white one... $10". She says okay and he wraps it up, she pays for it, and she leaves.
A little while later a black woman comes in the store. "How much for that black dildo?" she asks. "Uh, the black one... $20". She says okay and he wraps it up, she pays for it, and she leaves.
About 20 min later a woman walks in and asks "how much for that plaid dildo?" "The plaid one? Uh $50". She says okay and he wraps it up, she pays for it, and she leaves.
10 minutes later Jim comes back in and asks how business was while he was out. "Not bad; I sold a white dildo to a white lady for $10, a black dildo to a black lady for $20, and your thermos to a Polish lady for $50!"
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read: 'Free Sex with Fill-Up!'
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time".
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again, he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time".
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all". Paddy replied "No, no, it's genuine enough Mick. My sister won twice last week".
ANIKKA ALBRITE ISN'T PERFECT BUT GOD DAMN SHE'S NOT FAR OFF
Driving along a country back road, a man's engine died. He pulled the auto off the road, stopping by a field of grazing cattle. He got out, lifted the hood, and peered helplessly at all the wires and hoses.
"I suspect your problem" came a voice from behind him "is with the carburettor".
The man looked toward the field, but all he saw was a big cow leaning its head over the barbed wire and into the engine compartment.
The man ran down the road as fast as he could. At the nearest farmhouse, he told the farmer the whole story.
"Was it a big tan cow" asked the farmer "with a white spot over the left eye?"
"Yes" shrugged the man "yes, it was!"
"Oh, I wouldn't pay any attention to Bessie" said the farmer. "She doesn't know the first thing about cars".
Well fuck this update. Fuck it and its stupid face. I mean clearly it is/was awesome/orsm but holy motherfucking god it took some hours to accomplish. Hope you guys enjoyed otherwise really it was all for nothing...
-Follow me on Facebook. Might even try post some stuff there in the coming week okay..?
-Check out the archives. Imagine 21 years of updates all about as good as this one awaiting your perusal.
-Next update will be next Thursday... hopefully. One of these days the whatever is going to catch the whatever and I'll completely miss Thursday.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will just keep calling you a "dirty Jew" on Messenger....................... because he doesn't have the intellect to come up with any better put downs.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good and stay off the chems. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2020.07.16-22.34
Welcome to taking advantage of advantages.
Well... fuck this update. Serious hours in a pretty much uninterrupted week went into creating this masterpiece but, again, it resisted. That's a common theme since forever but as I write this its after 10pm meaning. Too late. That said, there's so much epic content contained within it that not only will hospitals be full of COVID patients, they'll also now need to manage a huge influx of masturbation injuries. Check it...
A delivery woman comes to deliver some flowers to house. She arrives to find a man playing on a piano. The delivery woman asks him where she should place the flowers. The man tells her to go ahead and place her tulips on his organ.
--
A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says "Cheese Sandwiches $1" and then below that, another sign that reads "Handjobs $2". He looks around for the bartender but the only other person he can see is a really attractive woman, about 25-years-old, with huge tits, at the end of the bar. He walks up to her and asks "Excuse me, but are you the one who gives the handjobs?" She replies in a sexy voice "Why yes, I am". To which he immediately responds "Well go wash your hands then, I want a sandwich"
--
Two men were fishing; one not catching anything while the other would sniff his bait prior to baiting and catch a fish with every cast! After several casts his friend snarls "Same boat, same rod and reel, and I am not catching a damn thing!! And what's with the sniffing of the bait before casting?" His friend replies "My brother in law is a undertaker and saves me the clits of his female corpses". So his friend then asks "Why do you sniff them before you cast are you some kind of freak?" "No" he replies "my brother in law likes to be a comedian and throws an asshole in once in a while".
--
A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves. "What are you doing in there?" she asked. The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?" To which the lady replied "Yes". "Well" the rabbit said "I'm westing".
--
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
--
A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to first year medical students. Realising that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said "Do you know what you're a-hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied "I never thought about it before, but he's probably drinking beer at the bar with his friends".
--
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z'. "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied "I know the guy".
--
A 60-year-old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception. His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23-year-old beauty? "Simple" grins the millionaire "I faked my age". His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he had said. "Well" he replied. "I said I was 97!"
--
This biker goes into a diner and orders the beef stew. After receiving his order, he calls the waitress to his table. He says "Look at this, there's a hair in my soup, I'm not paying for this". And he gets up and walks out. The waitress, a little suspicious of his behaviour follows him and watches him enter a brothel. She creeps in and opens the door and sees him full face between a prostitute's legs. She bursts into the room and exclaims "You complained about one little hair in your soup, and look at you now". The biker looks up and says "I'll tell ya what, if I find a noodle in here, I'm not paying for this either.
An old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen. There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie. His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed "Leave them alone, they're for the funeral!"
--
I'm fat but I identify as slim. I'm translender.
--
Two guys are hiking in the forest when they suddenly come across a big Grizzly bear! The one guy takes off his hiking boots and puts on some running shoes! His friend says to him "You're crazy! There's no use, do you know how fast Grizzlies are, you'll never be able to out run it!" and the guy says "I only have to outrun you!"
--
I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said "I want you to try and sell this to me". So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home. Eventually he called my mobile and said "Bring it back here right now!" I said "$100 and it's yours".
Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings.
As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.
Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter's bedroom and heard her screaming.
The mother thought to herself "That's normal, especially on her wedding night".
She snuck by her second oldest daughter's room and heard her laughing. "That's normal too" she said, smiling to herself.
Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter's room where she didn't hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.
The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night's noises.
"Well Mum" she replied "you always said if it hurt I should scream". "You're absolutely right sweetheart" the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter.
"Now why were you laughing?" she asked. "You always said if it tickled, I could laugh" she answered. "True enough, honey". The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days.
"Now it's your turn, baby" she said turning to her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?" "Mum, don't you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full".
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to the combination of her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the *poof*.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing right down at her feet and said in a rather stern voice "Skippy!"
The woman thought "This is great!" A big smile came across her face. What luck!!
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked and the dog and yelled "Dammit, Skippy, move!"
Once again, the woman smiled at her fortune.
A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
For the third time, the father looked at the dog with disgust, but this time he yelled "Dammit, Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"
Southern Baptists John and Marie went to the same church. Marie went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. John went on Christmas and Easter and, once in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays.
On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Marie and he noticed what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, John leaned forward and said "Hey, Marie, how about you and me go to dinner next Friday?" "Why Yes, John, that would be nice" said Marie.
Well, John couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his car, and on Friday he picked up Marie and took her to dinner, the finest restaurant in town.
When they sat down, John looked over at Marie said "Hey, Marie, would you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh, no, John" said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, John was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Marie" said John "Would you like a smoke?" "Oh, no, John" said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, John was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his car and was driving Marie home when they passed the Holiday Inn. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.
"Hey, Marie" said John "how would you like to stop at this motel with me?" "Sure, John, that would be nice" said Marie.
Well, John couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything and drove back to the motel and checked in with Marie.
The next morning John got up first. He looked at Marie lying there in the bed. 'What have I done? What have I done?' thought John. He shook Marie and she woke up. "Marie, I've got to ask you one thing" said John. "What are you going to tell your Sunday School class?" Marie said "The same thing I always tell them... "You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time".
Several cannibals were appointed as engineers in a defence company.
"You're all part of our team now" said the boss during the welcoming ceremony. "You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, so please don't trouble any of the other employees".
The cannibals promised.
Four weeks later the boss returned and said "You're all working very hard and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"
The cannibals all shook their heads no.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"
A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replied "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and YOU had to go and eat the janitor!"
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I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.
I noticed his BDS degree on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended St Mary's high school.
"Yes. yes, I did" he gleamed with pride. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered "In 1984. Why do you ask?" "You were in my class!!" I exclaimed.
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as Area 51.
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again!
Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner".
She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks "How much?" She says "A hundred dollars". He says "All I got is thirty". She says "Hold on" and runs back to Harry and asks "What can he get for thirty?" "A hand job" Harry reply.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job. He agrees.
She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE big old dick.
She stares at it for a minute, and then says "I'll be right back". She runs back to Harry, and asks "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"
A man in his mid-forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW" he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally reality hit him and he knew he shouldn't run from the police, so he slowed down and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go".
The guy thinks for a second and says "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back".
"Have a nice weekend" said the officer and he walked away.
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone on a bench close by begins to ring with a deafening and highly irritating Rap Tune. Someone screams "Turn that thing off before I throw it in the shower room!"
The man nearest to the phone reaches over. He engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello?" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes, I am". WOMAN:"I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it?" MAN:"Sure, go ahead if you like it that much".
WOMAN:"I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models for next year. I saw one I really liked". MAN:"How much?" WOMAN:"$60,000" MAN:"Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options".
WOMAN:"Great! Oh, and one more thing... the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They've come down $10,000 and now they are asking $950,000. What do you think, should we make them an offer?" MAN:"Absolutely. Go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $940,000 so they will know we are serious buyers". WOMAN:"Okay, Honey! Now you're talking! I can't wait to see you later! Look for me upstairs and don't be long! I love you so much!" MAN:"Bye, I love you, too".
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then the man smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
A man doing market research knocked on a door. He was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" She says "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time".
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?" "We use it for sex".
The researcher was a little taken back. He replied with candour "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob to keep the kids out".
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am sooo sorry" the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Would you let me buy your dinner to make it up to you?" she says. Smitten, he says yes.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater. Then they have drinks. They talk, they laugh, they share their deepest dreams.
She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible!!!! He is drawn to praise her. "You know" he said "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"Oh heavens no..." she replies "you just happened to catch my eye".
Well... I'm glad that's finally finished. One of these days I'm going to say "fuggit" and push the update into Friday.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. You KNOW I want you to.
-Next update will be next Thursday. And the one after that and the one after that and the one after that... FOREVER.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will will stalk you online. He knows people you know.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't take advice from strangers on the internets. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2020.07.09-20.52
Welcome to my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.
Have not been able to resist one single distraction this week; distractions have had a good week. What is Tom Hanks networth? Quick! Google it. See a neighbour outside? Quick! Run out for a chat. What's for dinner tomorrow? Quick! Message the sister wives and see who'll be home. And so on. Consequently all this plus working on a project plus coming back from some downtime [that was less down and more up] made this update was extremely challenging. So what happens when that happens? Simples. Throw absolutely everything at it. The final product is what you dudes are about to devour... or if you skipped reading this are already devouring. Speaking of which... check it...
An old man is walking down the road when he hears something call out to him. He looks over his shoulder to find a frog at the side of the road waving him over. He walks over and the frog says "Sir! If you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful woman and to repay you I'll spend the rest of your life with you!" The old man says "Yeah, alright" then puts the frog in his pocket and keeps walking. The frog sticks its head out of the pocket and yells "I don't think you understood me!? IF YOU KISS ME I'll become a beautiful woman!" The old man responds "Look, I'm 91 years old. At this point in my life I'd rather have a talking frog".
--
A friend of mine is always smiling and being optimistic, on the worst-case scenario he always like to say phrases like: "That's nothing" "It'll get better" "Bad weather never lasts" and shit like that. A couple days ago we found out our neighbour returned home from his job out of town and found his wife and a man having sex inside his bed. He shot them both and then killed himself. When we were talking about it in front of their house, my friend said: "Meh. It could have been worse". When I heard him, I was kind of upset about how insensitive he was and, kind of annoyed I replied "Come on man, how could have been any worse than that?" He just shrugged and said: "Well, if that husband had returned 2 hours earlier, I would be the one inside the third body bag".
--
What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison..
--
Two teenagers are on a date. The date is going well, and after some making out towards the end of the evening, the guy asks if he can get a blowjob. "I'm sorry, but if I do that for you, I feel like you won't respect me after" she says. After a year and a half of dating, they get married. On their wedding night, the new husband asks if he can finally get a blowjob. "I'm sorry, I feel like if I give you a blowjob, you'll stop respecting me". After 20 years of marriage, the husband musters up the courage again to request oral. He pleads with his wife "Honey, we've been married for 2 decades, and have 3 beautiful children. I couldn't possibly respect you anymore. Could I please get a blowjob?". Despite not wanting to do it, the wife reluctantly agrees and finally gives her husband a blowjob. Blissfully lying in bed afterwards, the couple hears the phone ring. The husband turns to the wife and says "You answer that, cocksucker!"
--
Therapist: "Your wife says that you never buy her flowers. Is that true?" Him: "I didn't even know that she sold flowers".
--
My daughter was searching everywhere for her pet rabbit. "Where can it be?" she asked "Why don't you look somewhere where there might be carrots?" I suggested "Thank you daddy, that's a good idea" she replied with a smile "And peas, onions and garlic, some red wine..." I added under my breath, as I whistled and dished up the stew for dinner.
--
Chinese guy walks into the pub, stands beside me and starts drinking. I ask him "Do you know kung fu or any of those Asian martial arts?" He says "Why da fuk you ask me dat... cos I Chinese?" I said "No, because you're drinking my beer".
I got fired from the sperm clinic 'cos every time a client walked in I'd say "Get a load of this guy".
--
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked "Relatives of yours?" "Yep" the husband replied "In-laws".
--
A boy is home with his babysitter on a stormy night when the boy says "Usually on a stormy night mummy lets me cuddle with her". The babysitter responds with "Okay". They are cuddling when the boy says "Usually mummy lets me take a bath". The babysitter says "Okay". The boy is in the tub when he says "Usually mummy gets in with me". The babysitter says "Really? Okay". They are in the tub when the boy says "Usually my mummy lets me touch her bellybutton". The babysitter says "Really? Umm okay". Then the babysitter says "Hey that wasn't my bellybutton!" The boy says "That wasn't my finger".
--
I have a quite a few jokes about cash machines. I just can't think of any ATM.
Pam, a beautiful, well-endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs.
The sign says: Oral Sex Frogs Only $20 each! Money-Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).
Pam excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to Ralph, the man behind the counter "I'll take one".
Ralph, packaging up the frog, says "Just follow the instructions carefully. Page me if there's a problem". He hands Pam his card.
Pam nods 'okay' grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, Pam takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do...
First, she takes a shower. Then she splashes on some nice smelling perfume. Then she slips into a very sexy nightie. Finally, as instructed, she crawls into bed, spreads her legs, and puts the frog between her legs.
And nothing happens!
Pam is frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper. It says "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store". So, Pam calls...
Ralph, the man from behind the counter says "I'm sorry about the problem. We had some complaints earlier this week and I think I know how to fix the problem. I'll be right over".
Within five minutes, Ralph is ringing her doorbell.
Pam welcomes him in and says "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there".
Ralph, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
I GUESS WHAT I REALLY LIKE ABOUT LESBIANS IS... LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE THING.
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it".
The man groans, but the doctor goes on "You've got $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did; better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1,000 an inch".
The man perks up at this. "So" the doctor says "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So, it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision".
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. "So" says the doctor "have you spoken with your wife?" "I have" says the man. "And has she helped you in making the decision?" "Yes, she has" says the man. "And what is it?" asks the doctor. "We're getting granite counter tops".
A man was dating three women and wanted to decide who to marry. He decided to give them a test. He gave each woman $10,000 and observed what each did with the money.
The first one went for a total make-over which included a fancy hair style, make up and several new outfits. She then dressed up for the man and said "I have done this to make myself more attractive to you because I love you so much". The man was impressed.
The second woman went gift shopping for the man. She bought him a new smartphone, a Rolex and some very flashy clothes. As she presented these gifts to him she said "I've spent all the money on you because I love you so much". The man was again impressed.
The third one invested the money in the stock market. She earned $40,000 and gave him back his $10k. She then deposited the remainder in a joint account. She told him that she wanted to secure their future because she loved him so much. Obviously, the man was very impressed.
The man thought for a very long time about how each woman had used the money. He weighed the pros and cons and considered his future with each of them. Finally, he decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.
The lady on the phone says "How much fun are you looking to have" And he says "Lots of fun".
So the lady sends an escort to his hotel room. The man opens the door, and gets punched in the face so hard, he gets knocked to the ground.
He says "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR?" And she says "my name is Shina, I am the god of weather, and that was my lightning" And he goes "Oh, okay that makes sense".
She then rips off his clothes, and starts pissing on his chest. He screams "OH WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME!!?" and she goes "My name is Shina, I am the god of weather, and this is my rain" And he responds "Oh, oh okay".
She then sits over his face and farts in it. He goes "OH WHY DID YOU DO THAT??? STOP!" And she says "My name is Shina, I am the god of weather, and that was my thunder!"
So the man gets up and starts putting his clothes on, and tells her to leave. Shina says "What? Why?" and the man says "To be perfectly honest with you, I don't feel like fucking in this kind of weather".
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An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise.
He sees the neighbour's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of chicken wire". "What you gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch some chickens". "You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of duct tape". "What you gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch me some ducks". "You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "It's a pussy willow". "Wait up kid... I'll get my hat".
AND I THOUGHT CAMPING WAS JUST BUGS, FREEZING YOUR NUTS OFF AND SHITTING IN A HOLE
The buzzword in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing". Well, here it is:
You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say "I'm fantastic in bed". That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, while pointing at you, says "She's fantastic in bed". That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed". That's Telemarketing.
You see a guy at a party. First you straighten your dress, then you walk up to him and pour him a drink. After handing him the drink, you say "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie. In the process of fixing his tie, you brush your breast lightly against his arm, and then say "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed". That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says "I hear you're fantastic in bed". That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support.
You slip a letter outlining your sexual skills and your experience into the pocket of every man at a party whether he is cute or ugly, young or old, wealthy or poor, married or single, walking or crippled. That's Junk Mail.
You're on your way to a party when you realise that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So, you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the centre, get your megaphone ready, and shout at the top of your lungs "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Spam.
So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.
One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "Teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what colour your underwear is?" She replies "Okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it". But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.
After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess.
"Blue".
"Nope. You got it wrong" she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear.
"Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money".
When they get to the car, she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear.
His dad exclaims: "That little motherfucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"
A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex. The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy". "OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further.
The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex.
The father jumps up and quickly covers himself.
Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table.
His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mummy doing?" Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "Me and mummy were making a baby". His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "Well flip mummy over next time, I want a puppy!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Little ol' lady decides she wants to join a biker club, so she goes and knocks on the door of their headquarters. A big, hairy, tattooed biker dude opens the door.
"I want to join your club" she says. The biker, amused, asks "You got a scoot?" "Sure do" she says. "That's my Harley out there in the driveway".
Impressed, the biker asks "Do you smoke?" She says "Yep, I smoke four packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shootin' pool".
Very impressed, he asks "You ever been picked up by the fuzz?" She says "Well, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times".
So, Stevie Wonder is playing a gig in Tokyo. During a pause between songs he hears a voice from the audience: "Play a Jazz chord!"
This joined by another voice: "Yes. Play a Jazz chord!"
Then another and another and it soon seemed like most of the audience were shouting: "Play a Jazz chord!"
"Wow" Stevie thinks "They must really like their jazz in Japan".
So Stevie launches into a jazz number and really gets into it. He finishes the number, expecting tumultuous applause. But unbelievably, there was total silence!
Then the chant starts up again: "Play a Jazz chord!" "Play a Jazz chord!" "Play a Jazz chord!"
"Hmm" thinks Stevie "maybe they would prefer Jazz funk..?" So he gets into a jazz funk number, but when he finishes, again silence.
Feeling frustrated, Stevie decides to go back to his routine set. Starting on his next number the crowd went wild, cheering and clapping and when he started to sing the whole audience joined in "A jazz chord to say I ruv you!"
CHRISTY MACK... MORE LIKE HOLY FUCKING SHIT SHE IS RIDICULOUS.
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in.
With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of humour!"
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologise, when the blonde yells "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!"
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. K ta.
-Check out the archives. I don't know why you wouldn't even not want to not to.
-Next update will be next Thursday. After all -if this update happened, ANY update can happen.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will bombard you with unsolicited conspiracy propoganda. SMS, Messenger, email, WhatsApp, all of them, he will find you and you WILL listen.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't fuggedaboutits. We need them. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2020.07.02-18.09
Welcome to I show you some trick or two.
Such a bleak, shitty time of the year. Winter is a giant fucking turd. And it was the case, once upon a time, that you could say "Winter is a giant fucking turd. Let's go somewhere warm". Unfortunately travel restrictions, closed borders and actually giving a fuck about the greater good have put an end to that that sort of thing. Looks like we'll all, albeit very entitledly, just have to suffer through it. Thanks, COVID.
Speaking of suffering through it, here's another masterpiece masquerading as an update. The only thing you'll suffer through is, well, brilliance, Check it...
I was in a pub in Saturday night when this really brutally ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said "Give me your number, sexy". I replied "Have you got a pen?" She smiled and said "Yes". I replied, "Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing".
--
A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain. Her golf pro Jim saw her come into the clubhouse and asked "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?" "I was stung by a bee" she said. "Where?" he asked. "Between the first and second hole" she replied. He nodded knowingly and said "Then your feet were too far apart".
--
Mate walks into an Islamic bookshop. The attendant looks at him in amazement, walks over and asks "You know this is an Islamic bookshop, so how can I help you"? Mate says he's after a book by Pauline Hansen, something about Immigration into Australia and overcrowding. Attendant see's red and say's "Get fucked, fuck off and don't come back". Mate, looks at him for a bit and says "that's the one, do you have it in paperback?"
--
Can't wait for the new series of Doctor Who. The BBC have just announced that the Doctor will face her most deadly and evil enemy yet, the scourge of the universe, the evil nemesis of all things good and true... the straight white male.
--
A police officer pulled over a man and told him because he had been wearing his seat belt, he won $1000 in their giveaway. The officer asked the man what he was going to do with the money and the man replied "Well, I'm guess I'll go to driving school and get my license". The man's wife quickly leaned over and told the officer "Officer don't listen to him. He's a smart ass when he's drunk". This woke up the guy sleeping in the backseat who, upon seeing the cop, blurted out "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car". At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked "Are we over the border yet?"
--
Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best. The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey stood nary a chance. The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength. None in the forest dared to challenge him. The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature. As the trio debated the issue, an alligator came along and swallowed them all... hawk, lion and stinker.
--
I can tell just by the shoes a woman wears if I'm going to have sex with her or not. If she's wearing 3" heels or higher, I'm definitely going to be screwing her. If she's wearing nice comfy running shoes, I'm probably not going to be able to get close enough to use the taser.
--
My co-worker was recently crushed by a stack of falling chickpeas. The police suspect hummuside.
--
A young man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and that he would have to return the next day. "What for!" he snapped at the judge. His Honour, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud "Twenty dollars for contempt of court! That's why!" As the young man reached for his wallet, the judge relented "That's all right. You don't have to pay now". The young man replied "I know. I'm just checking to see if I have enough for two more words".
I phoned my workplace in Scotland this morning and said "Sorry boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough". He said "You have a wee cough?" I said "Really? Thanks boss, see you next week!"
--
Paddy and Mary decide to try a 69. Paddy's never done one before so Mary says she'll show him. She tells him to lie on the floor and squats over him. As she lowers herself onto his face, she inadvertently passes wind. Apologising she has a second attempt but let's rip again. Paddy jumps up and storms out yelling "I'll be stuffed if I'm hanging around for 67 more of them!"
--
A boy asks the Church Priest "What are you doing, Father?" "It's called masturbating. You'll be doing this soon" replies the priest. "Why Father?" "Because my wrist is killing me".
--
One day Little Susie got her 'monthly' for the very first time. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny. Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was. Johnny's face grew serious and he said "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"
A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a store employee standing there with dark shades on.
She says "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes".
She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line... It's a good all-around rod and reel and it's $20.00".
She says "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it".
He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime the woman farts. At first, she is embarrassed but then realises that there is no way he could tell it was her... being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says "That will be $25.50".
She says "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"
30 GIRLS BODIES WHO ARE TOP OF THEIR GAME AND POSSIBLY BEYOND
A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly loses engine power and the aircraft begins to decent.
The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them. Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door.
The pilots screams at him "Didn't you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!"
"Of course I heard you" the man replied "but it's also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!"
A lady walks into a fancy jewellery store. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely, she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with "Good day, Madam How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little "accident!" she asks "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"
He answers "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price".
LET ME ASK YOU THIS: DO YOU PREFER GIRLS WITH BIG BOOBS?
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With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
"May we see the new baby?" one asked. "Not yet" said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first".
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked "May we see the new baby now?" "No, not yet" said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again "May we see the baby now?" "No, not yet" replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked "Well, when can we see the baby?" "WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them. "Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?" "BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM OKAY!!?"
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: "You don't want to try these techniques at home".
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years" the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes" replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in eleven".
This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in an Australian Workers' Compensation board newsletter. This is a true story [apparently; but prpobably not]. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident.
You asked for a fuller explanation, and I trust the following details will be sufficient:
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.
This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.
As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.
IS HAVING A THING FOR ASIAN GIRLS RACIST... AND DO YOU EVEN CARE?
A tired minister was at home resting, and through the window he saw a woman approaching his door. She was one of those too-talkative people, and he was not anxious to talk with her. He said to his wife "I'll just duck upstairs and wait until she goes away".
An hour passed, then he tiptoed to the stair landing and listened... not a sound.
He was very pleased, so he started down calling loudly to his wife "Well, my Dear, did you get rid of that old bore at last?"
The next moment he heard the voice of the same woman, and she couldn't possibly have missed hearing him. Two steps down, he saw them both staring up at him. It seemed truly a crisis moment.
The quick-thinking minister's wife answered "Yes, Dear, she went away over an hour ago. But Mrs. Jones has come to call in the meantime, and I'm sure you'll be glad to greet her".
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A man finds his dog with a dead rabbit in its mouth. He realises that the rabbit is a pet of his next-door neighbour.
In a panic he cleans the rabbit up and sneaks it into its cage, hoping his neighbour will think their pet died of natural causes.
Next day he spots his neighbour digging a hole in the flower beds and goes over to investigate.
"What are you doing?" asks the man.
"Burying my rabbit again" replies the neighbour. "There sure are some sick people around here. The rabbit dropped dead on Monday, I buried it on Tuesday, and on Wednesday some bastard dug it up, gave it a wash and stuck it back in its cage".
The blonde and the brunette are in New York preparing to leave for a two-week cruise. The Blonde's boyfriend has just given her a new Rolls. Nevertheless, she is fuming because Honeybear didn't give her any extra money to store the vehicle during the trip. The brunette smiles and says she will handle it.
So, the brunette leaves the hotel with the blonde in tow. Together they walk across the street into a bank. The brunette asks for the loan officer. She says she and her friend are going to Europe on business for two weeks and they need to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the brunette tells the blonde to hand over the keys to her new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the stupid blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the brunette and the blonde return, repay the $5,000 plus the interest, which comes to $15.41.
There is something bothering the loan officer. He says to the beautiful blonde "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that this car was purchased by a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies "You have to ask my friend. I have no idea what is going on".
The brunette replies... "Where else in New York City can we park this car for two weeks for only $15.41 and fully expect it to safely be here when we return? You have provided an excellent service for which we are grateful".
One day a father gets off of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"
The salesperson answers " Which one? We have:
Work out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Divorced Barbie for $265.95
The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The salesperson answers:
"Sir, 'Divorced Barbie' is a complete set. She comes with:
Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Dog, Ken's Children, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and... as a special feature, Ken's Best Friend".
Well folks that's update #27 for 2020 done and dusted. Safely past the half way point now which is apparently mostly meaningless given the COVID is still very much here and -not to be overly dramatic- will end all human life before years end.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. Or it doesn't... so dont.........
-Check out the archives. Everyfink that should and shouldn't have been/being/bean lives there.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Here's me on the tail-end of a 2 week break and no one even noticed. It would be amazing pushing that to a third but I'd have to, you know, make an update in the meantime.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check outmy friend Ray otherwise ORSM-DOT-NET will literally misuse words just to annoy you.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good and stay off the chems. No seriously stay off them. That shit is bad for you. Plus you might have too much fun and how would you like that? That's right - you wouldn't. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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