Welcome to people who suggest getting CCTV installed after something gets stolen.
Pretty fucking huge case of 'that's enough internet for me' this week. Thankfully for you guys now that this update has dropped there are no such worries lets cut the shit, pull on some rubber gloves, grab some tissues and prepare to give this place a really good clean... wait... that's not right...
FFS. I'll just let you guys figure it out. Check it...
In light of recent events in Syria concerning the Turks and Russians. I think we should prepare for the inevitable. A movie about the Americans saving the world.
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There's a gang in this city who recruit new members by threatening them with all kinds of horrible punishments if they don't join. But enough about the church... how's your day been?
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Penguin driving along the road notices a noise from the engine, so he stops at a garage and asks the mechanic to have a look. The mechanic says he will look but will take him 45 min. "No problem" says the penguin "I will go over the road to the ice cream shop and wait". Penguin sits in the ice cream shop eating his vanilla ice cream, but as penguins have no hands, he has to dip his beak in the ice cream. This makes a mess down his front all over his shirt. Penguin finishes his ice cream, crosses the road to the garage and asks the mechanic how he is getting on with his car. The mechanic lifts his head from under the penguin's car hood, looks at the Penguin and says "It looks like you have blown a seal". "No says the penguin. Its only vanilla ice cream".
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One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said "If you firmed up, we could get rid of your control top panty hose". While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra". This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his "weenie". With a death grip in place, she said "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother".
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A local lawyer was sitting in his office the other morning when in walked a beautiful young lady. Without any preliminaries she said she wanted a divorce. "On what grounds?" asked the lawyer. "I don't think he is faithful to me" she replied. "And what makes you think he isn't faithful?" asked the lawyer. "Well" replied the young lady "I don't think he is the father of my child".
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I was on this line that met a geometrical curve at a common point without actually intersecting its surface. Sorry, I went off on a tangent there.
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Our fuse box blew yesterday so my hubby waited in for the guy to come and fix it. "It's all working now" my husband said, when he phoned me. "Ian did great job". "Ian? I said his name is Jim". "Well that is funny" he replied "it said ELECTRIC IAN on his van".
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I went into a shop the other day and everything was on shelves way too high for anyone to reach. It was an inconvenience store.
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A man found a tennis ball while out jogging and put it in his pocket to give his dog back home. As he stopped to wait at the traffic lights, a woman next to him couldn't help but notice the large bulge in his trouser pocket. "Tennis ball" the man said. "Oh, that must be painful, she replied". "I had tennis elbow once!"
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A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his pants and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says "You must be a dentist!" The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?" "Easy" she replied "you keep washing your hands". One thing led to another and they make love. After they've finished and he has taken IT out the girl says "You must be a good dentist". The guy, now with a boosted ego says "The best there is! How did you figure that out?" She says "I didn't feel a thing when you said you took it out!"
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My wife came in out of the garden and said "Three pairs of my knickers are missing off the line". I said over the newspaper "I know, the kids from next door have them". She said "Why have they got them?" I said "They were playing pirates and they wanted some sails for their galleon."
While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage. I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager. He didn't. I drank it. I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's, nope! In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest. He wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it!? By the time I realised he just didn't like to drink, I was so fookin' shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home.
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I was raping a woman the other night and she cried "Please, think of my children!" Kinky bitch.
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Got one of those self-winding Japanese watches. Don't wear it that often but when I do takes bloody ages to charge up. Gave it my mate Bob who has Parkinson's - job done in a couple of hours!
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A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb"
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. 'Could it be Andre Rieu?' he thinks to himself. He looks around but no one can be seen, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads:
"LUDWIG VAN BEETHOVEN, 1770- 1827".
Then he realises that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards.
The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread, and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"I would have thought it was obvious" the caretaker says "He's decomposing".
A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes. The second chap said "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five dollars a hole?"
The first chap said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second chap won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second chap was busy counting his $80. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighbouring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the local vicar.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The vicar said "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings".
The pro said "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" The vicar said "Well, you could come to Church on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll be happy to marry them".
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are over-sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.
My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Maggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Maggy to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.
I generally have lunch each day in the Men's Grill at the Golf Club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of ageing is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the front lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Maggy. I'm not saying that showing this much patience and consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
NOTE: Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Maggy was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her "Not Guilty" accepting her defence that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
A husband and wife are getting all snuggly in bed. The passion is heating up, but then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me". The husband says "WHAT?"
The wife says "You must not be in tune with my emotional needs as a woman".
The husband realises that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So, the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them.
They go over and get matching shoes worth $200.
Then they go to the Jewellery Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings.
The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "You don't even play tennis but, okay, if you like it then let's get it".
The wife is jumping up and down, she's so excited - she cannot believe what is going on!
She says "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register".
The husband says "No-no-no... honey we're not going to buy all this stuff".
The wife's face goes blank.
"No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while"
Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the husband says "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man!"
Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea, two prawns were swimming around.
One called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally, one day Justin said to Christian "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten".
A large mysterious cod appeared and said "Your wish is granted".
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin began to realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark" came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again".
Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner".
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed. I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian!"
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The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognise any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear". Then he felt the bullet hole and declared "Shot with a .308 rifle".
He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle.
He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.
Finally, he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep.
The next morning, he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He asked his wife "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?"
His wife angrily replied "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced "Skunk, killed with an axe".
33 GIRLS THAT MAKE THE OFFICE A VERY HAPPY WORKPLACE
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
A wedding occurred outside Alice Springs in the Northern Territory.
To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride and groom's families had a storming row and started wrecking the reception Room and generally kicking the crap out of each other, the Police were called into break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court.
The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings silence with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court!"
The court room goes silent and Dingo Jack, the best man, stands up and says "Judge... I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened".
The Judge agrees and asks Dingo Jack to take the stand.
Jack begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in an indigenous wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the Bride.
The Judge says "OK". "Well" said Dingo Jack "after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going so I continued dancing to the second song... and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song... when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick in the 'girly part'..."
The Judge instantly responded "God... that must have hurt!"
Dingo Jack replies "HURT!!?? He broke three of my fucking fingers!"
THE FIRST THING EVERYONE NOTICES... AND THESE GIRLS ARE *VERY* NOTICEABLE
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organising the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears, she is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds.
And he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom, where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly "Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says "You can pick any prize from the middle shelf".
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Robert, 85, married Susan, a lovely 25-year-old. Since her new husband is so old, Susan decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new, but aged, husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Susan prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Susan hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert. Again, he is ready for more action! Somewhat surprised, Susan consents for more coupling.
When the newlyweds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again but, you guessed it, Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more lovin'. And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often! I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert".
Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Susan and says "You mean I was here already?"
MORAL OF THE STORY: don't be afraid of getting old; Alzheimer's has its advantages.
A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbours feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.
Then one evening, he died when he was 98.
After the burial, her neighbour's, concerned for her safety, asked "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife said "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down... and I know he won't ask for directions".
Well we folks we made it. Read on for what you need to know.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there; from time to time..
-Check out the archives. They're like discovering boobs for the first time.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Of this we can be somewhat sure.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will have you bashed.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and embrace the anxiety. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2019.07.18-21.16
Welcome to people who can't go to Bunnings because they always end up spending a fortune.
The harder I pushed to get this update done, the more it resisted. I'm using this as the excuse (and reason) why this bloggy bit at the top here isn't going to be longer. That said, its easy enough to bring you guys up to date with my world in a few brief points. 1) its winter and 2) people are still idiots. That's it! Glad we had this talk. Now get ready because despite this update being a little bitch, I've gone over and above to make sure there's not a single a single disappointed visitor to it. Big call admittedly but the update speaks for itself. Check it...
This old man and woman were sitting on the front porch in their rocking chairs. The old man reaches over and grabs the woman's breast and says "You know, if these gave milk then we could get rid of the cows". The old woman doesn't say anything so he moves his hand. A few minutes later he reaches over again and grabs her pussy. The old man says "You know, if that could lay eggs then we could get rid of the chickens". the woman doesn't say anything so he moves his hand. A few minutes later, the old woman reaches over and grabs his dick and says "You know, if that would work then we could get rid of your brother".
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A man and a woman were celebrating their 50th anniversary. They were talking before their dinner about how they should celebrate their big evening. The woman decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband. Then he said they should do what they did on their wedding night and eat at the dinner table naked. The woman agreed. Later that night at the table, the woman says "Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago". The man replies "That's because they are sitting in your soup".
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There were these three little girls and a magical slide. The first little girl went to go buy her ticket to get on the magical slide when she went to go get it the ticket guy said before you go down this magic slide make a wish. When she got up the slide the little girl said I wish for a lot of lolly pops then she fell in a pile of lolly pops. Then the next day a next little girl went to go get her magical slide ticket.
Once again ticket guy made sure he told her to make a wish before she went down the slide. When the little girl got up there she said I wish for a pile of candy so when she reached the bottom she fell in a pile of candy. Now the last little girl came up, but no one was there so she just went up to the top of the slide, and she said wee-wee-wee and she fell in a pile of wee-wee's.
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The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born. Statistics just released from Statistics Canada and The United Nations reveal that: North American, Australian, New Zealander and British men between 60 and 80 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week, (and a small number a lot more), whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky. This has come as very upsetting news to both me and most of my buddies at the golf club, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese.
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A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy said, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine." The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby." The little boy replied, "If you rub turpentine on a cat's arse, he'll pass a Harley Davidson!"
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Harold and Al were on a small chartered airplane when the pilot suddenly had a heart attack. "Don't Panic" cried Harold heroically. "I'll land this baby!" Seizing the controls he headed for the runway at LaGuardia Airport, and began wrestling the diving plane to the ground. Just as the wheels touched the ground, Al screamed "Red lights!! Right in front of you!" Immediately Harold threw the engine in reverse and jammed on the breaks, bringing the plane to a violent stop just inches from the edge of the lights. "Brother!" he puffed, wiping his brow. "That sure was a short runway!" "Yeah" agreed Al, looking side to side "but look how WIDE it is".
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A mother-in-law said to her son's wife when their baby was born "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son". The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photocopier".
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A wife asks her husband "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get six". A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk. "Why did you buy six cartons of milk?" the wife asks. He replies "They had avocados.
A man was seeing his doctor. the doctor said "I have good news and bad news". "What's the bad news?" "Your wife has syphilis". "Jeez! What could possibly be good news". "She didn't get it from you".
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At my wife's labour, the nurse came up to me and my wife and said "How about Epidural Anaesthesia?" I said "Thanks, but we've already picked a name".
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My local golf shop is selling all its stock to stay in business. The putters, the drivers and the irons are all gone, but they are not out of the woods yet.
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A young couple took their two-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem". The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, mum" he exclaimed. "for me?" "Just take two" his mother replied. "The rest are for your father".
A local police station received this question from a resident through the feedback section of a local Police website:
"I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually harass people and get away with it?"
In response, a Sergeant posted this reply:
First of all, let me tell you this... it's not easy. In the rural area we average one cop for every 505 people. Only about 60 per cent of those cops are on general duty where we do most of our harassing.
The rest are in non-harassing units that do not allow them contact with the day to day innocents. At any given moment, only one-fifth of the 60 per cent of general duties are on duty and available for harassing people while the rest are off duty. So, roughly, one cop is responsible for harassing about 6000 residents.
When you toss in the commercial business and tourist locations that attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop is responsible for harassing 15,000 or more people a day.
Now, your average eight-hour shift runs 28,800 seconds long. This gives a cop two-thirds of a second to harass a person, and then only another third of a second to drink an iced coffee AND then find a new person to harass. This is not an easy task. To be honest, most cops are not up to the challenge day in and day out. It is just too tiring. What we do is utilise some tools to help us narrow down those people we can realistically harass.
PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on a person for special harassment. "My neighbour is beating his wife" is a code phrase used often. This means we'll come out and give somebody some special harassment. Another popular one is "There's a guy breaking into a house". The harassment team is then put into action.
CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no insurance or drivers with no licences and the like. It's lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light. Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, they are drunk, or have an outstanding warrant on file.
LAWS: When we don't have phone or cars, and have nothing better to do, there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass folks. They are called "statutes". These include the Crimes Act, Summary Offences Act, Land Transport Act and a whole bunch of others... They spell out all sorts of things for which you can really mess with people. After you read the law, you can just drive around for a while until you find someone violating one of these listed offences and harass them. Just last week I saw a guy trying to steal a car. Well, the book says that's not allowed. That meant I had permission to harass this guy.
It is a really cool system that we have set up, and it works pretty well. We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away with it. Why? Because, for the good citizens who pay the tab, we try to keep the streets safe for them, and they pay us to "harass" some people.
Next time you are in the area, give me the old "single finger wave". That's another one of those codes. It means "You can harass me". It's one of our favourites.
An Australian, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scot are captured by the Iraqis. The Iraq troop leader says "We're going to shoot you, but we will give you one last request".
He says to the Welshman "What's your last request?" The Welshman says "I want a thousand Welshman singing 'Land of my Fathers'".
"What about you?" he says to the Scotsman. "I want a thousand Scots pipers piping Scotland the brave" says the Scot.
"What's your last request?" he says to the Irishman. "I want a thousand Irishman doing the Riverdance" says Paddy.
Turning to the Australian, he says "And your last request?" The Aussie says "For fucks sake mate, shoot me first!"
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man breaks wind and says "Goal".
His wife rolls over and says "What in the world was that?" The old man replied "Its fart football".
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "One each. Tie score".
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says "Aha! I'm ahead 2 to 1".
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says "2- 2. Tie score".
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says " I lead 3 to 2".
Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got... and accidentally shits in the bed.
The wife says "What the hell was that?" The old man says "Half time, switch sides".
A man went to a Urologist and told him that he was having a problem; he was unable to get his penis erect. The doctor checked him out and told him that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a previous viral infection and that there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if the man was willing to take the risk.
The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into the man's penis. The man thought about if for a while but the thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go try out his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town.
However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly and his penis immediately sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his trousers.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said "That was incredible! Can you do it again?" With tears in his eyes, he replied "I think I can, but I'm not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse..."
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion.
The Italian said "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin Olive oil. Then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non-stop for five minutes".
The Frenchman said "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special Aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight!"
The Aussie said "That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours".
The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked "Two full hours? ... wow! That's phenomenal. How did you do it, to make her scream for two hours?"
The Aussie replied "I wiped my hands on the curtains".
Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mum and says..."Mummy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mum says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are".
So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mummy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mum says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are".
So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mummy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"
Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered".
The second responds "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded".
The third surgeon says "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order".
The fourth surgeon chimes in "You know I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would".
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole... and they are interchangeable!"
One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other. He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.
The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favourite dishes.
The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"
Jane replied "Nothing new, why do you ask?" "Well" said Mary "this morning I bent over to feed the cat, and shot the canary".
There are important questions to be answered about recent LGBTI bathroom legislation and whether transgender people will be permitted to use a restroom of the gender that they 'identify' with or be required to use the restroom of their biological gender.
If the latter, will public restrooms be required to have a Genital Inspection Station posted at the entrance to all public restrooms?
Who will have to pay these Pecker Checkers, the people using the restroom, or the entity that owns the restroom?
And how much money will a Pecker Checker be paid to check peckers?
Or, do we pay a Pecker Checker by the number of peckers checked?
How many peckers can a Pecker Checker check if a Pecker Checker could check peckers?
What has this country come to when the Department of Labor has to create a new job description of Politically Correct Restroom Service Inspectors?
Their Motto Will Be...? "If You Gotta Pee - We Gotta See!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A poor peasant is traveling the woody paths of Barnsdale, when a hooded man walks up to him.
Robin Hood: "HALT! I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor, now give me all your money!"
Peasant: "I have nothing, I've been hungry for years you see".
Robin Hood: "Very well then poor man, take this!"
Robin Hood gives the poor man a sack, filled to the brim with gold coins. He then fades away into the forest.
The peasant stares in disbelief, exclaiming: "I can't believe it, I'm rich!"
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate" he stated. "Why yes" she replied "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church".
The pastor replied "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?" The elderly woman answered "$10,000 a week".
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian" she answered".
"That's an honourable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money" the pastor said. "Where does he practice?" The woman answered proudly "In Nevada.... he has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno".
Stay tuned for scenes from next week's exciting adventure!
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. Go onnnnnn.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Twenty-motherfucking-fifth of July would you believe!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will hold a gun to your head and make you binge watch all seasons of the Gilmore Girls back-to-back.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't be cunty. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2019.07.11-21.08
Welcome to people who think admins need their permission to delete if not allowed.
I might be coming down with my third successive cold and had a whole paragraph written about that, about insomnia plus some other gay shit and after re-reading for the fifth time realised it was. Just. So. Boring. So I deleted it. Fact is this update doesn't need a stupid boring story. There is an insane amount of amazing content in this update and it needs to be seen immediately. Plus it'd be stupid to have worked like an animal all week putting everything together only to make anyone wait to see it. Right? Logic, folks. Boom. Check it...
"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife" the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl. "But I don't know her size". "Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his. "Why yes" he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours". "Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves. "Now that you mention it" he replied "she also needs some lingerie".
--
Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow "Owww" said the presenter. "This is a very rare set produced by the celebrated John's Brothers - taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?" "Sticks" said Paddy.
--
I am being sued over trademark issues after the naming of my UK Based Trachea distribution company British Airways.
--
A hunter walking through the jungle, found a huge, dead dinosaur, with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked "Did you kill that?" "Yes" said the pigmy. The hunter asked "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?" The pigmy said "I killed it with my club". "How big is your club?" asked the astonished hunter. "There are about two hundred of us" said the pigmy.
--
My granddad died a few weeks after my grandma passed away. At first, we thought he died of a broken heart but it turned out he couldn't cook.
--
I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
--
Having lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend "According to a survey we just completed, ninety percent of all people have sex in the shower. The other ten percent of them sing". "Really?" asked the friend. The therapist nodded her head and proceeded to ask "And do you know what song they sing?" The friend shook her head and replied "No". The therapist replied "I didn't think so".
--
A man was telling his neighbour "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect". "Really" answered the neighbour "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty".
--
My daughter called me at work to say I was to phone Ian at my bank. The operator asked me what Ian's last name was and I explained that he hadn't left his surname. When she asked for his department, I said I didn't know. "There are 1500 employees in this building, sir" she advised me rather curtly. After a few more brusque comments, I asked her for her name. "Danielle" she said. "And your last name?" I asked. "Sorry" she replied "we don't give out last names".
--
An old woman had just returned to her home from an evening church service when she was startled by an uninvited quest. She caught the thief red-handed, and screamed, "Stop! Acts 2:38 (meaning, repent and be baptised)". The thief stopped dead in his tracks. The old woman then calmly called the police station and explained what she had done. As the police officer handcuffed the thief, he asked "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you". "Scripture?" replied the thief "I thought she said she had an axe and two .38's Smith Wesson!"
My daughter's school teacher rang me today saying "Young Sarah didn't turn up for school today". "I know, her mother died yesterday" I replied "She won't be back for a while". "I'm sorry to hear that" he sighed "How's she getting on?" Very well" I replied "She's on her third load of laundry and has already prepared dinner".
--
I heard vandals have broken into an origami exhibition and ruined all the exhibits. Police are trying to work out how events unfolded.
--
A man took a young woman to an X-rated movie, purchased some refreshments and showed his date to her seat. Soon after the on-screen action started, she put her hand on the man's lap. Looking over at him, she remarked "I see this is getting you excited, too. But how come it's so hard but so cold?" "Because you're jerking off my Choc Bomb" the man replied.
--
I lied to my friends and told them I had created a life-size replica of Jackie Chan entirely out of old silk ties. It is a complete fabric Asian.
--
I've recently been dating a homeless woman. Things are getting serious. She wants me to move out with her.
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of lettuce".
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him so the boy quickly added "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half".
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy...
"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"
"New Zealand, sir" the boy replied.
"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.
The boy said "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there".
"Is that right?" replied the manager "My wife is from New Zealand!"
"Really?" replied the boy "Who did she play for?"
THE BEST THING ABOUT LESBIANS IS...... THERE ARE NO BAD THINGS ABOUT LESBIANS.
GIRLS GETTING READY TO GO OUT previously: #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
A couple, experiencing sexual problems in bed, decided to see a sex therapist.
After asking a few questions and examining the couple, the therapist recommends they add excitement to their sex lives by adding food to sex.
The therapist recommends the wife plays ring-toss on the man's dick with doughnuts and then remove them orally.
The couple tries it out and has great success.
The husband is telling a friend about the remarkable turn around and the great advice from the therapist.
The friend and his wife, having the same problem, go to the therapist. After examining the patients, the therapist says there's nothing she can do. The couple begs for help.
Finally, the therapist suggests the couple plays the same game, except with Cheezels.
Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well" says the Queen "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people".
Trump frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle".
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?"
Theresa May walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers "That would be me".
"Yes! Very good" says the Queen.
Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence.
"Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure" says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one".
Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks everyone, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognises General McMasters' shoes in the next stall.
Mike shouts "General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?
General McMaster yells back "That's easy. It's me!"
Mike Pence smiles. "Thanks!" and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's General McMaster".
Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"
WHEN AN UPSKIRT PRESENTS THERE IS ONLY ONE THING WE WANT TO KNOW...
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
One day this guy and his father was talking about his son getting laid because he's still a virgin. So, his dad calls a hooker for him. But his father said to go and get some condoms so he doesn't get AIDS.
He goes to the pharmacy and a lady that works there said what size do you need and the son said "I don't know I never needed them before"
The lady said "Go to the back and there will be a fence 3 holes then stick your dick in all 3 holes and pick the one u like the best".
So he starts to walk out back and the lady that works there ran out to the other side of the fence.
He puts his dick in the first hole and she puts her mouth on the first hole and the son said "Oh yes!".
He then puts his dick in the second hole and she put her arse on the hole and the son said "Alllllright".
He takes his dick and puts it in the last hole and the lady puts her pussy on the hole and the son said "That's the shit I'm talking about!"
He puts his dick away and starts to walk back and the lady runs back she asks if he had picked one?
He said "Fuck the condoms, I want 3 feet of that fence".
CELEB NIP SLIPS - SOME OLD, SOME NEW, BUT ALL PRETTY GREAT.
There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.
The Japanese exclaimed "Wah... so expensive!"
The driver yelled back "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"
Two lawyers, Bob and Bill, were having a heated exchange during a trial. The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench.
"Your Honour" said Bob "I objected because my distinguished colleague Bill was badgering the witness. It is obvious he has never heard of the Bill of Rights".
"Rubbish!" snapped Bill. "I happen to know them by heart".
Bob rolled his eyes in disbelief. "Do you now? Well, Bill, I have a hundred dollars that says you can't even tell me the first few words".
Bill smirked and accepted the challenge and began "I pledge allegiance to the flag..."
"Damn" Bob interrupted, fishing the money from his pocket "I didn't think you'd know it".
Whenever a baby was born to this outback African tribe it was cause for great celebration and merriment as the future of the tribe would continue to survive.
However, on the last occasion there was a bit of concern as the baby was white and the only person around for 500 miles that was white was the missionary.
The Chief calls him into his hut and explains the problem and highlights his accusation.
The Missionary is put on the spot and slowly strokes his chin, thinking. " I see your dilemma Oh great Chief. Come with me".
They go outside and over to the sheep pen. "You see all these sheep here? They are all white except that one over there that's black. I'll do a deal with you. You don't say anything about the kid and I won't tell anyone about the sheep, okay?"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road".
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket".
Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched".
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied "Don't count your chickens before they hatch".
Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands".
The teacher looked a little shocked.
After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well" Johnny replied "Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking".
A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!"
A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place - the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows.
"Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!" "Yes, reverend" says the farmer "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. Like it has this week in earnest. See! I told you I could do it. *golf claps*
-Check out the archives. They strongly believe in NOT SUCKING.
-Next update will be next Thursday. See you then. Bring your friends.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will endlessly tag you in food challenge and restaurant posts implying you are a fatty who eats high calorific foods.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and keep your nose wiped. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2019.07.04-20.21
Welcome to I am not uncertain.
And just like that halfway through the year. That's worrying. Have to start wondering if I'm making headway on the goals I set at the start of 2019 but cannot remember what any of them were...
What else is worrying is whether or not the Orsm servers will stand up to the punishment and abuse delivered by you guys. I continue to lose sleep over it too [and possibly the fact I'm fighting a cold with much snot and phlegm may be contributing but more the server thing - okay?] but I've already spoken long and hard about that in recent weeks so won't do it again. Just want you all to know shit is happening behind the scenes, it is THE top priority and, don't ask me why, things are sometimes harder to get done than they should be. This answer proudly brought to you buy 502 Bad Gateway.
Further words aside, its time to begin the update and I can safely say, nay promise, what you're about to devour is the single greatest July update EVER for the entire year. Check it...
A man boards and airplane and sits next to an attractive woman. After a couple of minutes, the woman sneezes, and rather than wipe her nose with her tissue, she instead reaches between her legs and wipes her vagina. The man is initially too embarrassed to say anything, but after the third time witnessing this, he quietly leans over and asks "Is everything alright?" The woman looks at him at says "I'm sorry, but I have a rare condition that whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm". "Whoa!" the man exclaims "That's pretty serious. What do you take for it?" The woman replies "Pepper".
--
Cleopatra was preparing herself for her usual afternoon milk bath to cool off after a sweltering Egyptian day. Her lady in waiting asks her what kind of milk she would like to bathe in today, and also asks her "My ladyship, would you like the milk pasteurised?" To which Cleopatra replies: "Nah, just above the tits should be all right".
--
One day at the office of the orthopaedic specialist I work for, we had to make arrangements for an elderly patient with spinal arthritis to have a special injection. We said we would phone him with the information. Two days later, the patient called us, concerned that he had missed our call because of his poor hearing. "I can barely hear, barely see and barely walk" he told me. Then he added cheerfully "Things could be worse, though. At least I can still drive".
--
Dad is from the old school, where you keep your money under the mattress - only he kept his in the underwear drawer. One day I bought my dad an unusual personal safe - a can of spray paint with a false bottom so he could keep his money in the workshop. Later I asked my mum if he was using it. "Oh, yes" she replied "he put his money in it the same day". "No burglar would think to look on the work shelf!" I gloated. "They won't have to" my mum replied. "He keeps the paint can in his underwear drawer".
--
The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest. Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher "Are you sure about the stork, Miss? I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag..."
--
Jimbo's wife said to him "Oh sweetheart, what did you do to deserve a woman like me?" Jimbo replies "God knows, but I won't be doing it again!"
--
A boy just takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?" "What? You're crazy!" "Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem..." "No! Someone may see - a relative, a neighbour..." "At this time of the night no one will show up". "I've already said NO, and NO". "Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too". "NO!!! I've said NO!!!" "My love... don't be like that". At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with her hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says "Dad told you to blow, or that I must blow, or he will come down and blow himself, but for Christ's sake to tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom".
--
I took my partner to a restaurant. We ordered our food and had to wait ages for the order to arrive. Finally, a young man arrives and places the order on our table. I said to him "Are you the waiter who took my order?" The waiter replied "Yes I am". "That's funny" I said "I was expecting someone much older".
I walked into the doctor's surgery and he said to me "Pick a star sign, any star sign". "Capricorn". I replied. "Yeah yeah, right" he tutted "as if I'm about to tell you that you have Capricorn. Try again".
--
I went to a séance today. I sat on my own in a tent with only a small table and a crystal ball. Soon, a woman dressed as a gypsy came in and sat down opposite me. She clasped her hands round the crystal ball then smiled. Soon she started to look at me and laugh! I became angry and leant over the table, giving her a slap. She jumped up and said "Why did you do that?" I explained to her that I always like to strike a happy medium.
--
At the end of the night I dropped a girl off at her house and thought I'd try my luck. "Aren't you going to invite me in for a cup of tea?" I asked. "Of course I'm not!" she shouted, getting out of my taxi.
--
My partner made the allegation "I think you've had an affair with that Welsh bloke, from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch". I said "How can you say such a thing?"
--
A blonde was out shopping and came across a shiny silver thermos flask. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the till to ask what it was. The cashier said "Why, that's a thermos... It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold". "Wow, said the blonde "that's amazing... I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that?" he asked? "Why, that's a thermos... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold" she replied. Her boss inquired "What do you have in it?" The blond replied... "Two ice creams and some coffee".
Two indigenous Australians were driving their well-used and abused old EJ Holden wagon in the outback recently, when off in the distance they saw a Police booze bus.
Rather than trying to avoid it, the driver headed straight for it. As they pulled up, the driver wound his window down and said "Gidday brudders! Two cold cans of Emu Export, tanks!"
The copper glared at him and said 'You must be drunk! Get out of the car and blow into this tube!'
The driver said "Sorry boss, I can't blow in at dat fing, I gotta a letter from me doctor in Alice Springs saying dat I'm asthmatic and I'll pass out if I blow inta dat bloody thing".
The cop smirked and said "OK, in that case, we require you to give us a blood sample".
"Nah, nah sorry, boss" replied the driver. "Can't be doin' that eifer. Got a letter from the Red Cross in Darwin sayin' that I'm a haemophiliac and I could bleed to deaf rel quick if I gave a blood sample. Sorry, boss, can't do that!"
By now the copper was getting very irate so he demanded that the driver provide a urine sample for testing.
The driver shook his head and said "Nah, sorry boss, can't do that eifer".
The copper protested "Surely you haven't got a letter for that as well!" "Blood oath, mate!" says the driver "It's from da gubament and it says that you white fellas ARE NOT ALLOWEDTO TAKE THE PISS OUT US BLACK FELLAS ANYMORE...!!"
EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW IN THREE WORDS: GIVING HEAD SELFIES
Two Aussie blokes were out shooting in the outback and came upon a huge hole in the ground.
They approached it and were amazed at its size.
The first said "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is".
The second said "There's an old gear box over there. Let's throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom".
So, they picked up the gearbox, carried it over to the hole, counted 1-2-3, and heaved it in.
As they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a goat come crashing through the underbrush, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first.
While they were standing there staring at each other in amazement, they peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about.
Just then an old farmer sauntered up. "Say, you blokes didn't happen to see my goat?"
The first bloke said "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole!"
The old farmer said "Nah mate that's impossible! I had him chained to an old gear box".
A man was leaving the bank when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the town cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The guy was so curious that he respectfully approached the bereaved man walking the dog and said "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you but I have never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's". "Oh I am sorry. What happened to her?" He replied "My dog attacked and killed her when she found me in bed with a young nympho".
He inquired further "Well, who is in the second hearse then?" The grieving man answered "My mother-in-law. She was with her daughter when they burst into the bedroom and the dog also killed her".
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. Until the boat sank. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island" she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank".
"Amazing" he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you". "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gumtree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree".
"B--but, that's impossible" stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem" replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware".
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place" she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?" "No, no thank you" he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice". "It's not coconut juice" the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom".
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing" he muses "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines -strategically positioned- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me" she begins, suggestively, slithering closer to him "we've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know..."
She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing: "You mean...?" he swallows excitedly "I can check my email from here...?"
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A famous sex phycologist was holding a seminar, he was trying to put in to practice a theory he had about how happy people are by the number of times they have sex.
So, he said to his audience "How many people have sex at least 3 times a week?"
Five couples put their hands up, they were all holding hands, looked very loving.
Then he asked "How many people have sex 3 times a month?"
Four people slowly put they hands up, not looking over happy, or holding hands.
Then he asked "How many people have sex once every 3-4 months?"
Three couples put they hands up, one couple not even sitting next to one another, one couple looking very miserable.
The famous sex phycologist was thinking this is working out as I thought, now for the final test "How many people have sex once a year?"
Right at the back of the hall was one man, he was waving his arms, jumping about, saying "Me! Me! "
Now, the famous sex phycologist, could not understand this, he said "You have sex once a year, why are you so happy?"
"Why am I so happy? Tonight's the night!"
STOP LOOKING - HERE'S 36 OF THE BEST BREASTED GIRLS IN THE UNIVERSE YOU WERE LOOKING FOR
A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year's supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone.
The Scotsman asks for a year's supply of whisky; it's given to him and he's locked away.
The Irishman asks for a year's supply of Guinness so he's locked up with several thousand bottles of it.
The Englishman asks for a year's supply of cigarettes and he's given a pile of cartons and the cell door is shut on him.
One year later, the doors are all unlocked.
The Scotsman staggers out and shouts "I'm free!" and then keels over dead from alcohol poisoning.
The Irishman is dragged out into the light, whereupon he promptly dies of liver failure.
When the door to the Englishman's cell is opened, everybody watches eagerly to see what sort of a wreck the man has made of himself.
To their surprise, he walks right out the door, sidles up to the first person he sees, and asks "I say you wouldn't happen to have a match, would you?"
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, miss. Just serious by nature".
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said "It looks like you have seen a lot of action". "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action".
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself".
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally, the young lady said "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1954, ma'am".
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1954! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1954". The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch "I would hope not. it's only 2130 now".
AND THE BEST USE OF A BALCONY is..........? [HINT: ITS GETTING NAKED]
One day two single friends, Mark and Chris, were clubbing and grabbing digits left and right.
Chris ended up getting very drunk but insisted on driving and they flew over a curve and both men them died.
Mark went to heaven and Chris went to hell.
Well, Mark has seen all of heaven and wants to see his buddy Chris in hell. So, Mark asks God if he can go to hell and check on his buddy Chris.
God allows Mark to go down to hell and find Chris.
To his amazement Chris isn't being tortured but has a beautiful girl on his lap and a beer in his hand.
Derek, furious, doesn't even talk to his friend instead he heads straight to heaven and asks God "How come Chris has this beautiful woman and cold beer to drink and I haven't got any of that?". "Well" God says "The beer has got a hole in it... and the woman doesn't!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A few housewives were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands.
One lady said "My husband just won't go to church with me, I think he's going to go to hell".
This led to talk around the table and it was generally agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were going to end up in hell.
So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves. One woman said "I try to be good - I'm sure I'll make it to Heaven".
Another one said "No, I did this bad thing, I won't make it".
So, then they noticed that one of the ladies wasn't saying anything. And they looked at her and said "You're such a nice lady, surely you're going to Heaven...?"
The redhead says "No, first thing in the morning, I'm going to buy me a ticket straight to hell!"
They were shocked and asked why.
"Well, you don't expect me to live in a world without men, do you??!?"
PROOF NOT ALL WOMEN ARE CREATED EQUALLY - THERE'S VERY FEW WHO CAN ROCK IT LIKE SARA!
A man goes into a pub one evening, sits on a bar stool and orders a drink.
As he is sipping his beer, he looks around and spots an attractive lady sitting at the opposite end of the bar, taking dainty sips of a cocktail.
Suddenly - she sneezes, and in the process her glass eye pops out of her head and rolls slowly down the top of the bar surface in the direction of the man.
He instinctively puts his hand out and grabs it. He is so proud, and in an act of chivalry, he walks up to the other end of the bar and returns the glass eye to the lady.
She is well impressed.
They proceed to spend the rest of the evening chatting, laughing, and getting to know each other.
At the end of the evening, when the bar closes, the lady says "Why don't you come back for a nightcap?" and they both taxi to her apartment.
Then follows a night of fabulous passion !
In the morning, the man has to leave for an appointment, but before he goes, he snuggles up to the lady and says "Do you do this with every man you meet in the bar?"
She replied "No... only with those who catch my eye".
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand done... except this last bit which you should definitely read.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there; on occasion [its worth it though].
-Check out the archives. More Orsm updates than your mum has had hot cocks.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Because they copme out EVERY Thursday. Even when I am sick or somewhere else in the world they still land every fucking Thursday.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will pack your childs lunchbox with peanuts on the off-chance they share with that little anaphylactic kid in their class. He's pretty fucked up like that.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and M&M's are the best candy. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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