Welcome to time to face the truth: there is no good poetry.
For more reasons that one, it's a miracle this update made it up not only on time, not only today but that it happened at all. I lost an entire day this week after a pretty nasty cycling accident landed me in hospital. My bike is a mess and I'll be limping for a while but if there's two very important things to take from this experience. 1. My helmet saved my life. 2. Our healthcare system is incredible. After presenting at an emergency department, I was on a gurney and through to trauma in only a couple of minutes. Suddenly there were probably 10 doctors, specialists, nurses etc checking my everything before doing a bunch of x-rays and a CT scan. When you hit your head, these dudes do not fuck around. Following that, a couple of specialists came by to assess before finally settling on stitching me up instead of going to theatre. Was released mid-afternoon feeling quite sorry for myself but, being Australia, the blow is cushioned by the fact that for all the care and treatment, there's no bill coming my way. I'm def going to be feeling it for a while but the whole thing could have been far, far worse so can't really complain... except to say this year hasn't actually started well at all! First week of Jan I was a down with an infection, now this. Hopefully that's me getting all the bad stuff out of the way early. If not, enjoy the updates while they last! Like todays absolutely stunning example of brilliance. Check it...
A dozen Liverpool lads were at the pearly gates, ready to enter heaven. St. Peter sauntered over. "I'm afraid we are nearly full. We can only take one of you". The guys were not pleased about this. St. Peter could sense their anguish and tried to calm things. "I'll tell you what guys; it's getting late. I'll report to God and get back to you in the morning. By then you will have things worked out". The next morning St. Peter went to the entrance. What he saw shocked him. He ran to god. "God... they are gone!" "What! All twelve of them?" "No God... the Pearly Gates!"
--
Two businessmen in the centre of town were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling". No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you selling here?" One of the men replied sarcastically "We're selling arseholes". Without skipping a beat, the old woman said "Must be doing well... only two left!"
--
Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said "Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat".
--
A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman. The General stood tall and said "1956 ma'am". The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better"... and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the General afterward and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956!" The General looked at her confused and said "Well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"
--
A man doing market research for Vaseline knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says "I'm doing some research for Vaseline". Have you ever used the product?' She says "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time". The researcher then asks "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?" "We use it for sex". The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?" The woman says "I don't mind telling you at all... my husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out".
--
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest. "No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".
--
A pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he asked his assistant. "He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire box of laxatives". "You idiot" said the chemist "You can't treat a cough with laxatives". "Of course you can" the assistant replied "Look at him... he daren't cough now!!"
--
A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her, he said "It's golf balls". The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?
A tramp walks in to a posh jeweller, pulls his pants down and starts fingering his arse. The shop assistant shouts "Get out you dirty bastard!" The tramp says "Make up your fucking mind" and points to the sign in the window 'Come In To Pick Your Ring In Comfort'
--
An Aussie on a motor tour of Ireland stops for a break at a pleasant old country pub. While enjoying a leisurely pint of Guinness, he chats to the local barman. As he is about to leave, he says "Nice talking to you, Mick. By the way, can you tell me the quickest way to Dublin?" "Are you walking or driving?" Mick asks. "Driving" answers the Aussie. "That's definitely the fastest way" says Mick....
--
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down.
--
Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter, flight for 4 people?! I'm still looking for 2 more people to join us. We leave early Saturday morning and will fly to a secluded bay down south where we will have breakfast and then on a yacht for lunch. Then we'll do some island hopping before flying back home. Promises to be an amazing experience. If interested please let me know. Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go...
In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate.
One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his plan to his trench mates and they figured "Why not? It's not like we have any better ideas".
The next day, an American soldier called out "Hans!?" A German popped up and shouted back "Ja?!" Boom, the German was shot dead.
The next day the Americans shouted again "Hans?!" "Ja?!" Shot dead!
This process continued over the next couple of days. The Germans were losing large numbers, and were now finally catching on.
The Germans had an emergency meeting. They thought they could come back from the heavy losses using the same tactics as the Americans. Thus, a German asked "What is a popular American name?" "John!" replied another.
The next day, the Germans decided to execute their plan. A German shouted "John!?" An American called back "Is that you Hans?!" "Ja!" And that is how the Americans won WWI.
IF YOU DON'T LIKE GIRLS... THIS GALLERY IS GOING TO CONVERT YOU...
Dr. Epstein, a world-renowned physician, was invited back to his hometown to give a public lecture.
On the evening of the talk, the auditorium was packed with friends, acquaintances, and people who were proud of their native son. He walked onto the stage in the big auditorium and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off and hit the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, he inadvertently farted. Because his rear end was so close to the microphone, the amplified sound reverberated throughout the entire building.
The doctor was mortified, but somehow kept his composure long enough to deliver his speech.
When he was done, he raced out the stage door, vowing never to set foot in his hometown again.
Decades later, he returned to visit his elderly mother, who was very ill. He arrived under cover of darkness and checked into his hotel under the name Levy.
"Is this your first visit to our town, Mr. Levy?" asked the hotel clerk. "No, young man" replied Dr. Epstein. "I grew up here. I moved away a long time ago, though". "And you never visit?" the clerk inquired. "Well, actually I did visit once, but I had a very embarrassing experience and I didn't feel I could come back and face the people here".
"Mr. Levy" offered the clerk "far be it for me to give advice to such a distinguished gentleman as yourself, but one thing I've learned in my young life is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even noticed by others. And that's probably the case with your incident too". "Thank you, but I doubt that's true of my incident" replied Dr. Epstein.
"Why? Was it a long time ago?" "Yes, it was a long time ago". "Oh" said the clerk. "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
NO GIRL DESERVES TO LOOK THIS HOT BUT HERE WE FUCKING ARE...
They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish.
The first nun said with a blush "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"
Saint Peter said "Your wish is granted!"
*POOF* She disappeared and returned to Earth to fulfill her fantasy.
The second nun agreed and said "I'd like the same, but may I return with the face and body of Jessica Alba?"
Saint Peter said again "Your wish is granted!"
*POOF* Away she went!
The third nun, an Italian girl, nodded her head in agreement "I too would like the same, but may I return with the face and body of Alice Gan Pipalini?"
With a confused look, Saint Peter replied "I'm sorry Sister, but I do not know of her? Is she a famous starlet?"
The Sister squealed with excitement "Oh my, yes, yes she is! She's the most famous one of them all! Why, look at this article I've been saving for years!"
And with that, she reached into her pocket and pulled out an old, yellow, folded up newspaper article, which she handed to him with shaking hands.
Saint Peter slowly unfolded the paper and read the headline aloud "Alaskan Pipeline laid by 500 men in one week".
A duck goes into a pub and up to the bar. The geezer behind the bar says "What's your name, mate?"
And the duck says "My name is Dave".
So the bartender says "What have you been up to today, Dave?"
The duck says, "I've had a lovely day, I've been in and out of puddles and having a laugh. I'll have a pint of lager please".
Just then another duck walks in and tells the bartender "My name's Steve". So the bartender says "How have you been, Steve? What you been up to?" And Steve says, "I've had a lovely day, I've been with Dave and I've been in and out of puddles, the same as him".
The bartender says "Do you want a drink?" Steve says "Yeah, I'll have a drink, I'll have a lager".
Then a third duck walks in with real difficulty and the barman says to him, "Are you all right, mate. What's happened? What's your name?"
And the third duck says "Stuff you mate my name's Puddles so tell those two fuckers over there to fuck off!"
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The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk.
The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply.
They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward" they said. "When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side".
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales.
"You are truly a wise Vet" they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Wales?" The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye "My wife is from Wales".
There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident.
The wife's face was burned severely. The doctor suggested for a skin graft, but unfortunately, the doctor had to inform her that they couldn't use any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then offered to donate some of his skin for the skin graft. However, the doctor said that the only suitable skin was from his buttocks. They accepted, but requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the wife's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty!
One day, she was finally alone with her husband & she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!"
He replied "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek".
A time keeper at a factory is in charge of blowing the whistle for the lunch break at noon.
When it's almost noon he looks at his watch and right when it strikes 12pm he blows the whistle.
One day he bumps his watch against something and he fears that it is a little off.
Wanting to make sure that he can do his job correctly he decides to go get his watch set by a professional clock maker.
The man goes to the shop and has the clock maker set his watch to the correct time. He tells the clock maker what he does for a living and that it is important that his watch keeps correct time.
The clock maker tells him that he needn't worry because he set his watch by the clocks in the back and that he can be sure that they're on time because he sets them every Sunday when the church bells ring at 6am.
The man leaves the shop but starts to ask himself how does the church know exactly when it is 6am?
So he goes to the church and finds the bell ringer and asks him how does he know when to ring the bells and how does he make sure that he has the correct time.
The bell ringer tells him that he rings the bells right when his watch strikes 6am and he's sure his watch is correct because he checks it every day at noon when the factory goes on break.
A man went to the doctor and told him that he was having trouble maintaining an erection.
After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.
However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in the man's penis.
The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it. A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment.
As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. She was leaning over the table in a low-cut shirt, and sure enough he began to feel very uncomfortable. To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly. Suddenly his penis emerged from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, and retreated into his pants.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "That was incredible. Can you do that again?"
With his eyes watering, he replied "I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can take another dinner roll in the arse!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Went shopping with my wife yesterday and found myself pretty bored pretty quickly.
She felt sorry for me. She gave me a $10 and told me to go for a pint and meet her at the bus stop in an hour.
I had a wander around but somehow found myself in a seedy part of town. C,urious I asked one of the girls "How much?"
The girl replied "$90 for all the way, $60 for Oral or $30 for a handjob".
I told her I only had $10.
She said "Sorry, but you won't get much for ten".
So I shrugged my shoulders and continued to wander.
I found a pub, and then went to meet my wife. While we were sitting together waiting for the bus, the same working girl I spoke to earlier passes by on the other side of the road and recognised me.
She shouts over to me... "See! Told ya you wouldn't get much for a tenner!"
I met an old pal, John, in the corner shop and we agreed to go for a bevvy.
"What's your poison, Ian?" "Make mine a brown-ale shandy please, John".
John ordered his drink, a red Fanta and mild shandy, and we sat down for a chat.
"That's an unusual drink you have there, Ian. How long have you been drinking brown-ale shandies?" "Oh, ever since a girl let me be intimate with her. You might remember her? 'Busty' she called herself. We got together for a night out and finished up at her place. Eventually we made it to the bed room. We undressed and she lay on the bed with her legs high and apart".
"Then 'Busty' said "See that bottle of lemonade and those two drinking straws by the dresser? 'Yup'. Bring them over and pour lemonade into my vagina and into my anus until they are both full right up. Then, put one straw in my botty and the other in my pussy and have a good, long suck".
"And you did that, Ian?!" John asked seemingly amazed. "Yup, and I've been hooked on the drink ever since".
"Tell me about your drink, John. A mild shandy with red Fanta instead of lemonade. That's, well, not the norm for a big guy like you!"
"Ian... all I can say is... different time of the month".
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital.
She timidly asked "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, Norma Findlay, Room 302". The operator replied "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room".
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow".
The grandmother said "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news".
The operator replied "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?" The grandmother said "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me anything".
Well, again, I'm shocked this update saw the light of day. The limited mobility is actually working for me I suppose. Should have thought to hobble myself years ago...
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. I even managed, would you believe, two posts last week! Amazing huh!?!?
-Check out the archives. It's where I hide the lollies.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Feel like I've been quite clear on this..
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise you'll be charged with... a cattle prod.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and try not to annoy everyone [like you usually do]. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2021.01.21-20.52
Welcome to not sludge.
Do you know what? I had this whole spiel written about what's been happening and at the end I re-read it and thought 'My week has probably been the same as almost anybody's, so what's the point?' In a nutshell - it's been hot, school holidays are responsible for the destruction that is/was our house, and I'm trying to eat less potato chips. Sound about right? Look, this update speaks for itself. Scrawling a few paragraphs about an uneventful but also unremarkable 7 days in my life isn't going to push the update any deeper into greatness in which it already resides. And as for all the other topical stuff... honestly, I cannot even begin to fathom writing on politics. What can anyone say that hasn't been said a kajillion times anyway? That wont rub someone the wrong way? Plus what's the old saying? 'Opinions are like arseholes... something something... please kill yourself, fuckwit'. I think that might just be the 2021 version though...
The best thing any of us can do is grab tissues, some lube, a pair of rubber gloves, the tiger balm and let's get the party started. Check it...
Old Man Leroy and his friend Carl were standing at the base of a flag pole, looking up. A blonde lady walked up and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flag pole" said Leroy "but we don't have a ladder". The woman took a wrench from their tool kit, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. She then took a tape measure from the same kit, took a measurement and announced "Eighteen feet, six inches" and walked away. Carl shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length".
--
"I wish I had a smaller bum" my wife grumbled. "Do you wish I had a smaller bum?" I peered over the top of the paper. "No, not really". I told her. "Aww, you're sweet" she gushed. "Is it because you love my bum the way it is?" "No, not really" I replied. "It's because it'd look fucking ridiculous with legs that size attached to it".
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I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 am for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. As he approached the line for the third time he said "If you don't let me unlock the damn door you'll never get in there".
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Last night I was sitting browsing the web on the PC, when the wife walked in and asked me what I was doing. "Oh, I'm just looking around for some cheap flights". I replied. She got all excited, smiled widely and then came over to my desk, got on her knees, undid my zip, and gave me a tremendous blowie! Don't ask me why though. I can't work out why she's so interested in darts all of a sudden.
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"Hello, hello, is that the vet?" said the distressed man. "Our dog has just swallowed a condom, what can I do?" "Calm down, sir, nothing to get too alarmed over, just keep the dog rested and I'll be over after surgery". Surgery ended and the vet decided to ring first. "Hello, it's the vet here, how are things?" "Oh everything's alright now" replied the man. "My girlfriend found another condom in the bathroom cabinet".
--
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. They all sit next to each other at the bar, and all three order a pint of Guinness. Right as they get their pints, a fly lands in each one's drink. The Englishman turns up his nose disgustedly, and pushes the glass away. The Scott picks the fly out of his stout, throws it over his shoulder, and begins drinking. And our Irishman picks the fly out of his drink, holds it by its soaked little wings over his glass, and yells "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT YOU SON OF A BITCH!"
--
As I arrived at the prison showers, I realised I'd forgotten my soap. However, I was amazed at the number of bars of soap left abandoned on the shower room floor for no apparent reason. "Well, I'll be buggered" I thought.
--
One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It's pretty nice" she replies. "Except they won't let you fart".
On the eve of war, the ruthless commander was giving a speech to a few hundred thousand soldiers. One soldier then sneezes in the middle of commander's speech. The commander stops, looks around and asks "Who sneezed?" There was no answer. He asks again and sure enough no one answered. Commander is now angry, he doesn't like being ignored so he orders executed the soldier who is in the first line. He asks again, and no one answers... "Execute the soldier who is in the third line!" and the hapless soldier is dead by gunshot! He asks again... then a little scared man puts his hand up, shaking in fear "It was me... I sneezed". The ruthless Commander turns to soldier and says "Bless you". And then carries on with his speech.
--
Ordered a Chinese takeaway last night. As I got in the car, I heard the bag rustle. So I looked over and saw a pair of eyes looking out the top of the bag at me, then disappear back inside.
I was so scared I nearly made a mess of myself. I looked and saw it again. I ran back into the shop with the bag and asked the Chinese man what was going on! He said "You no worry, it's only peeking duck".
--
A frustrated old spinster had read in a woman's magazine that the bigger the man's feet, the bigger his organ. This piece of information was still in her mind when two days later a tramp came to the door with the biggest feet she had ever seen. Quick as a flash, she invited him in and proceeded to wine and dine him before taking him up to bed. The next day as he was leaving, she shouted at him crossly "Next time, wear shoes that fit you!"
He says "Bartender, pour everyone here a drink, pour one for yourself and give me the bill".
The bartender serves everyone their drinks and hands him the bill. The drunk goes "Oh I don't have enough money!"
The bartender slaps him around a bit and tosses him out.
The next day the same guy walks into the bar, drunk again.
He says "Hey bartender, pour everyone here a drink, pour one for yourself and give me the bill".
The bartender thinks that no way anyone would be stupid enough to pull that trick twice, so he gives the drunk the benefit of the doubt and pours everyone a drink, including himself.
He hands the drunk the bill and, just like last time, goes "I don't have enough money!"
The bartender slaps the absolute shit out of him and tosses the idiot out.
The next day he walks in again, and says "Pour everyone on this side of the bar a drink".
The bartender goes: "What, no drink for me?"
The guy says "No way, you get violent when you drink!"
DO YOU LIKE TO CREEP? 😂😂 OF-FUCKING-COURSE YOU DO...
An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sun rise.
He sees the neighbour's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.
He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire".
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens".
Old man yells "You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape".
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks".
Old man yells back, "You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duck tape!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy says "It's a pussy willow". Old man says "Hold up... I'll get my hat!"
30 ABSOLUTE BABES MAKING BEDTIME SEXIER ONE PAIR OF PYJAMAS AT A TIME
Over in the UK, a very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her "Stammerers Action Group".
She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. No-one was improving.
Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me, without stuttering, the name of the town where you were born I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first?"
An Englishman piped up "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham". "That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist.
"Who's next?"
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley". "That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish".
"How about you, Paddy?"
The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out "London". "Brilliant, Paddy!" said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said "-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh damn'
CIRCULAR SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race. Its best use is for igniting new seat covers.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
FLATHEAD SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
SON OF A BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a bitch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need, and at times must be retrieved from across the road.
WHO'D LIKE A BIG SERVE OF UNPRECEDENTED KITCHEN GODDESSES FOR DINNER?
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A businessman in Japan for some meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected.
Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening.
Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, back at his hotel, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!" Hearing this, the man knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon went to sleep feeling quite satisfied with himself.
The next day while playing golf with his Japanese colleagues, one of his partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese.
Wanting to impress his new friends, the man joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"
Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"
BIKINI BRIDGES... BRILLIANTLY DRAWING MUCH NEEDED ATTENTION TO THE VAGINA SINCE FOREVER.
A young couple bought a parrot, but quickly discovered that he could cause them a lot of embarrassment.
Every time someone came to the house, he would tell them what the couple had been up to, particularly what went on in the evenings on the sofa.
"That's it, I've had enough" said the man "from now on, you'll be covered up early in the evening so you can't see what's going on. Otherwise, it's the zoo for you".
A few days later, the couple decided to go away for a week's holiday so they spent the evening packing and of course filled the suitcase to overflowing.
"I've got an idea" said the man. "I'll get on top, press down as much as I can and you can tell me what's happening". But the case wouldn't close.
"This is no good" remarked the wife. "Here, let me have a go, I'll get on top and we'll see if it's any better".
Still, they couldn't get the case to close, so the man said "Let's both get on top, bounce up and down and maybe that'll work".
Suddenly the parrot pulled off the cage cover and squawked "I'll take my chances at the zoo, but this I've just got to see?"
The commanding officer at the Russian Military Academy (the equivalent of a 4-star general in the U.S.) gave a lecture on 'Potential Problems and Military Strategy'.
At the end of the lecture, he asked, were there questions?
An officer stood up and asked "Will there be a third world war? And will Russia take part in it?" The general answered both questions in the affirmative.
Another officer asked "Who will be the enemy?" The general replied "All indications point to China". Everyone in the audience was shocked.
A third officer remarked "General, we are a nation of only 150 million, compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive?" The general answered "Just think about this for a moment: In modern warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters but the quality of an army's capabilities. For example, in the Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious".
After a small pause, yet another officer from the back of the auditorium asked "Do we have enough Jews?"
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A guy goes into a confession booth.
He starts with the obligatory "Forgive me father for I have sinned". Father says "What did you do my son?" The man says "I used some awfully foul language on the golf course".
"Continue" says the priest.
"Well, I hit the ball of the tee on the first hole... I hit it as hard, as straight and as true as I've EVER hit a drive in my life... but it hit a power line and dropped 50 yards in front of me".
The priest says "Is that when you swore, my son?"
The guy says "No father... I was walking up to make my second shot when a squirrel grabbed my ball and headed back into the trees with it!"
"That's when you used the foul language?"
"No father... an eagle grabbed the squirrel... with the ball... and flew off way over the trees with it!"
"Surely that's when you used the profanity then?"
"No father... the squirrel dropped the ball... the ball hit a rock, bounced off a tree, and rolled 10 inches from the hole!"
The priest shifts in his seat and says "Missed the fucking putt, didn't you!?"
A Michigan State trooper pulled a car over on US 23 about 2 miles north of the Michigan/Indiana State line.
When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Ft. Wayne, IN to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.
He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from Michigan got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test!"
An English schoolteacher, was in Switzerland and looking for a room to rent for when she would begin her teaching there the following fall.
She asked the schoolmaster if he would recommend any. He took her to see several rooms, and when everything was settled, she returned home to make final preparations for the move.
When she arrived home, the thought suddenly occurred to her that she had not seen a Water Closet (toilet) around the place. She immediately wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking him if there was a "W.C". near the room.
The schoolmaster was a poor master of English so he asked the parish priest about the meaning of the letters "W.C". and the only solution they could come up with for the letters was "Wayside Chapel".
The schoolmaster then wrote the following note to the English lady seeking a "W.C". with her room.
Dear Madam: I take great comfort in informing you that a "W.C". is situated nine miles from the house in the corner of a beautiful grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people, and it is open on Sunday's and Thursday's only. As there are a great many people expected during the summer months, I would suggest that you come early, although there is usually plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation, particularly if you are in the habit of going regularly. You will no doubt be glad to hear that a good many bring their lunch and make a day of it, while others, who can't afford to go by car, arrive just in time. I would especially advise your ladyship to go on Thursday's when there is an organ accompanist. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere. It may interest you to know that my daughter was married in the "W.C". and it was there that she met her husband. I can remember the rush there was for seats. There were ten people to a seat usually reserved for one, and it was wonderful to see the expression on their faces.
The newest attraction is a bell, donated by a wealthy resident of the district, which rings every time a person enters. A Bazaar is to be held to raise money for plush seats for all, since the people believe it is a long felt want. My wife is rather delicate so she can't go regularly: it is almost a year since she went last. Naturally it pains her not to be able to go more often. I shall be delighted to reserve the best seat for you, if you wish, where you will be seen by all. For the children there is a special time so that they will not disturb the elders.
Hoping to have been of some service to you, I remain,
Well fuck me that was a good update... I KNOW you guys agree.
-Follow me on Facebook. All Some of the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there... I've even posted this week would you believe!
-Check out the archives. I'll just keep saying it... 😉
-Next update will be next Thursday, by which point January will be pretty much over. OVER! One whole month into the year al-fucking-ready!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll shit in your hat.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and try not to be so pig-headed, arrogant and funny. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2021.01.14-15.15
Welcome to I'm just a humble motherfucker with a big-ass dick.
IIIIIIIIIIII'm baaaaaaaaaack.
Wow 3 whole weeks without an update. Three! Did you guys survive? Believe it or not, I'm stoked to be back. Christmas and New Years were pretty great. Chilled, relaxing, low key. Ate some food, drank some wine, did family stuff. That's basically all you can hope for, right? There is clearly a time to get back into it and that time is now. I'd also love to say I milked the break for everything it was worth however shit didn't quite go to plan. Found myself absolutely obliterated for most of last week with an infection. A good couple of days feeling like I would rather be dead. Was even too smashed to play PlayStation... not that I can find a single game worth playing but still. To add insult to injury is seeing a doctor these days. Got a sore throat? Check. Runny nose? Nah. Cough? Nope. Anything else? No. Oh come back after you get a COVID test then. Yeah, yeah I get the COVID thing but we're still at zero community transmissions -EVER- and the last thing I wanted was to wait 3 days before a GP would see me when I felt just so shitly. In other news, entitled Australian man demands healthcare now.
Another highlight was a touching story of human interaction... I think. I'm constantly amazed by people and thankfully wasn't disappointed. Was standing outside my house when a couple of kids rode by. They smiled my way; vaguely familiar I assumed they go to the same school as my ones do. Walking behind were their parents, deep in conversation, who gave half a smile my way. Okay, so absolutely NOTHING wrong with that. There's no social convention that says you have to stop and talk to every fat fuck standing outside watering a plant. Except earlier in 2020 there was a pretty fucking spectacular car accident on our street. Single car smash where a woman driving her kids to school was texting and ploughed into a fucking big tree. Car was a complete write-off. I was first one on scene, helped the kids and woman, who were all a bit bloody and banged up, from the wreck, called ambulance, relayed instructions, gave comfort, provided first aid, all that. If you hadn't guessed already - same mum and kids! LO-fucking-L. Jesus Christ I wasn't expecting a hug or cash reward but as far as social conventions go there is probably better ways to acknowledge the arsehole who helped you out when you pass them in the street rather than not at all. People though...
Alright let's get cracking with everything that is good and new. I can say without a shadow of a doubt this is the greatest update of 2021 so far. Check it...
Two croupiers are sitting bored at the roulette of the casino. Suddenly a very attractive blonde woman enters and bets $20,000 on a roll, saying: "I hope you do not mind, but I feel very lucky when I play naked". With that, she unbuttons the zipper, takes her dress and underwear off, throw the dice and yells: "Come on baby, mama needs new clothes!" She looks with agony and as soon as the dice stops, starts jumping up and down screaming: "YES, YES, YES I WON!" She embraces one to one of the dealers, taking her profits and clothes and disappears. The guys are looking dumbfounded at each other. Eventually, one asks "Did you see what dice she rolled?" "I do not know, I thought you were watching!"
--
Good deed done. This morning at the supermarket checkout I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to $56.83 but when she counted out all her change, she only had just under $50. I thought she was probably someone's granny and I'd like to think someone would have helped my granny out when she was alive. She didn't want me to help her but I insisted, and in no time, we had all her groceries back on the shelves.
--
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens" he said "what is this?" "Why, it's bean soup" she replied. "I don't care where it's been" he replied. "What is it now?"
--
Husband calls his wife: "Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have checked me over and have done some tests and some x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately, it did not cause any serious internal injury. However, I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they may have to amputate my right foot". Wife's Response: "Who the hell is Paula?" And if you find that hard to believe, you've never been married.
--
I awoke for a leak in the middle of the night and noticed a burglar sneaking through next door's garden. Suddenly, my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly. He then began to dig a grave with the shovel. Astonished I got back into bed. My wife said "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?" "You'll never believe what I've just seen!?" I said. "That bastard next door has still got my fucking shovel!"
--
I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do it's because I missed my exit.
--
A man dies and goes to heaven. As he arrives there an angel is waiting for him to give him a tour. They enter through the golden gates and go inside a big bright building. There were a big number of clocks running at different speeds and the man was puzzled. He asked the angel what they were. The angel said: "Here are the clocks of every country, they measure corruption. The more corrupt the country is the faster it's clock goes!" Amazed, the man wanders around the room but he notices something and asks the angel: "Where is the US clock?" And the angel says: "Oh, God is using it as a ceiling fan in his office!"
--
Just been reading the instructions on my suppositories: "Insert two inches up anus.
Keep out of reach of children". Think I'll do three inches to be on the safe side.
--
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "Watch" the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed. "For fucks sake, you bastard! It's 2 am in the fucking morning!!"
A foursome of men at the golf course are waiting, while a foursome of women are teeing off ahead of them. The ladies are taking their time and, when finally, the last one is ready to hit the ball, she hacks it about 10 feet. She then goes over to it and hacks it another 10 feet. She looks up at the men, who are watching, and says apologetically "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this past winter didn't help!?". One of the men immediately replies "Now, there's your problem lady. You should have taken GOLF lessons instead".
--
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen "What would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?" I said "Thank you, I'll have chicken please". She replied "You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat.
--
Walking past the big wooden fence around the insane asylum, a guy hears everyone inside chanting "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" His curiosity piqued, he finds a hole in the fence and looks inside. All of a sudden a finger shoots through the hole and pokes out his eye, and the inmates start wildly chanting "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
--
On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either". "Fucking great" I thought "First day in here and I'm already married!
Tim and Janice met on a singles cruise and Tim fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in neighbouring cities only a few miles apart Tim was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Tim had taken Janice to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies and museums. Tim became convinced that Janice was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Tim took Janice to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Tim said "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage".
"So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life-changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Janice took a deep breath and responded "Tim, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker".
"Oh wow! I see" Tim replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought he added "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball..."
A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish.
By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"
The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"
The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says "Go ahead!"
AS GOOD A REASON AS ANY TO SPEND A DAY AT THE BEACH..
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies "I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston".
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom".
The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out "I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years".
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.
"Just a minute" says the good father. "That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?"
"Up here, we go by results" says Saint Peter. "When you preached, people slept. When he flew, people prayed".
Little Johnnie and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.
One day they decided that they want to get married, so Johnnie decided to approach Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnnie bravely walked up to him and said "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing ever, Mr. Smith replied, "Well Johnnie, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnnie replied, "In Susie's room, of course. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit our stuff in there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie."
Again, Johnnie instantly replied, "Our allowance - Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnnie had put so much thought into his proposal. So, Mr. Smith thought for a moment, as he tried to come up with something that Johnnie wouldn't know how to answer. After another moment, Mr. Smith said, "Well Johnnie, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnnie just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, gosh, Mr. Smith, I've been worried about that, but we've been lucky so far..."
IT'S FESTIVAL ASEASON SOMEWHERE... AND WE KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
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A man with a completely bald head and only one leg is invited to a fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his predicament.
A few days later, he receives a parcel with a note:
"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate".
The man is offended that the outfit emphasises his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
"Dear Sir, sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a Monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head, you will really look the part".
The man is really incandescent with rage now because the company has gone from emphasising his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and then go as a toffee apple".
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Vell, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church.
Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in a while he went on one of the other Sunday's.
On one of those Sunday's, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a fine-looking woman she was. Vhile dey were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?" "Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice" said Lena.
Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm.
When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said "Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh, no, Ole" said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner.
Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.
"Hey, Lena" said Ole "vould you like a smoke?" "Oh, no, Ole" said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got in his Ford and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot Springs Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.
"Hey, Lena" said Ole "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?" "Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice" said Lena.
Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in vith Lena.
The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her blond curls on the pillow.
"Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole. He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting" said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?" "Lena said "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke or drink to have a good time!"
An old man is traveling to a far-off land, but is arrested in a city named Runnia along the way.
The townspeople of Runnia are convinced that he was the murderer of Barth F. Bradley, the local butcher. Though there is not much evidence of the claim, a witness claims he saw the old man leave Bradley's shop on the night of the murder. The townspeople, who were always suspicious of strangers, considered this evidence solid enough to indict the old man. As the old man was traveling light, he did not have the coin to afford bail and was forced to stay in jail awaiting trial.
The first night, they placed him in a cell surrounded by bananas. Every-time he looked through the bars, there was a bushel of fresh bananas just out of reach. They waived tauntingly in front of him, and the smell of the fresh fruit filled his nostrils even as he slept. He couldn't wait to get his trial over with, so that he might eat a fresh banana on his first day as a free man. He asked the guard when he might be let free, but said guard was under strict orders not to talk to the prisoner, so the old man received no answer.
The second day, the old man's trial began. The witness testified, but the old man held to his story of innocence. After the first day of his trial, the old man was brought to a cell surrounded by strawberries. The tantalising red was again right out of reach, but he could see them hanging on the other side of his bars, and he could almost taste them. The sweet aroma caused him to call out to the guard once more, asking how he can prove his innocence so that he might pick a fresh strawberry from its vine. Again, the guard is silent.
On the third day, upon waking up, the old man saw a steaming pot in-front of his prison cell. Peeking down into it, he could see fresh meat simmering in a delicious stew, whose fragrance again caused a longing for freedom. The old man finally decided that he was finished. "This is how this crooked town gets to you." He thought to himself. "They dangle all this wonderful food in-front of you, and they attack your senses until you submit." He walked silently with the guard to the courtroom, awaiting the next day of his trial.
The next day he is brought to the court room once again. This time, when he testifies, he whimpers defeatedly that he was in fact the murderer, hoping for the psychological torture to finally end. Though the old man knew he had not killed the butcher Bradley, he was certain that the trial would drag on until he confessed. The audience in the courtroom cheers, and the jury quickly returns with a verdict of guilty. One townsman screams at the old man, exclaiming that "Bradley was a good man, how could you do this to him?" But the old man is undisturbed, even as he is brought to his new home, a cell without any morsel in sight. Finally, he has a good night's rest, without even a whiff of food to be found.
As he wakes up, he walks over to his bars and spots the silent guard. He thinks of his trial, of the raging townspeople, and of his bad luck. He feels a rage burning up inside of him as he considers what a farce the whole process was, until he could no longer hold it in.
"I can't believe this city! They force a confession out of you by dangling food in front of you! How can you call that justice?" He yells at the guard, figuring that he has nothing to lose. The guard, who was not about to stand by while the great city of Runnia was insulted by a murder, shouts back despite his orders of silence: "I don't know how you do justice where you are from, but in Runnia you are in a scent until you are proven guilty!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A friend of mine has a big Labrador retriever. While I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart for him, a woman behind me in the checkout line asked if it was for a dog. Duh?
On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet. The way that it works is you load all your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in the hospital last time because I'd been poisoned.
I told her no; I was sitting in the street licking my balls when a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a cardiac, and would require help as he laughed so hard he fell to the floor.
A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight.
They start eyeing each other up, and both realise they want to do the same thing. He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted.
"Rear toilet?" he suggests. "Five minutes" she agrees, and goes off.
He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her.
"Right, get that condom on" she says. Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.
But a sharp-eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realised what they are up to, so she humiliates them both by making an announcement over the radio: "To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector".
A Chemist, an Engineer, an Electrician and an IT guy get stranded on the side of the road after their car breaks down.
It's the dead of winter and the wind chill is below freezing. One of them gets off the phone with the towing company "They said it's going to be at least two hours". They all stay in the car.
After a few minutes the Chemist tells the other three "I'm pretty sure I know what happened... the engine oil probably hadn't been changed in a long time, became oxidized and contaminated, lost its ability to lubricate therefore completely seizing the pistons to the cylinder walls of the engine. It'll have to be replaced".
The Engineer tells the others "I'm fairly certain the planetary gear set or valve body inside the transmission failed, likely due to a poor design. These cars aren't exactly the greatest and it's a known issue, that's why it broke down. The transmission will have to be replaced".
The Electrician says "you guys are overreacting, it's probably just a blown fuse or relay that burned out causing the car to shut off. We can check the integrity of the fuse box, make sure there's no excessive resistance or a short to ground that caused it to blow in the first place. I have my multimeter in the trunk. We can just swap it out and we'll be on our way".
The IT guy looks around and says "What if, uh... what if we just get out of the car and then get back in again?"
Well there you guys go. There's no doubt in my mind that I've satisfied your every desire. It's just how I do it. Butr for other things I do, read on...
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. You never know what you'll find there... but I'm telling you, you will fucking love that shit so hard.
-Next update will be next Thursday the 21st of January. Confirmed: it will be worth your time.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise we'll impeach you too.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't let 'em drag you up to their level. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
![[masks] Do These Idiots Ever Stop?](/thumbs/[masks]-do-these-idiots-ever-stop.jpg)
