Fuck-ing hell. Let me begin by saying what an epic update this is to end a crappy year. I've thrown absolutely everything at it. Impossible to make it any bigger without guaranteeing the servers would implode. She's beautiful, perfect but most of all HUGE.
I've thought long and hard about whipping through a year in review. Literally from the moment I woke up on Jan 1st it was a downward spiral. [and yes, that is the correct usage of 'literally']. As the year trundled on there was no shortage of things that went wrong, whether for us or friends/loved ones and it more or less never let up. That said, there was some good stuff too. We welcomed a third and final, quit some vices, increased my fitness and also didn't die. And really that's all I need to say because we only have to walk past a tv or radio to know there were waaaaay more people who had a waaaaaaay shittier year. Honestly cannot think of one person in my life that didn't have at least one major clusterfuck happen.
The thing I struggled most with was so fundamentally disagreeing with people I've always seen eye to eye with. 100% of this was politics related. Made me question *if* I had it wrong then why and how. Ultimately, I prob learnt to be more open to people who see the world differently and not just dismiss them as stupid.
My one wish for 2021 is more sentences can finish without "because COVID". As in, the such and such has been because COVID.
Alright folks lets whip through some Orsm highlights. Always look forward to this because I'm pretty terrible with stats; mostly just don't bother!
First up is the TOP 5 MOST VIEWED PORN CLIPS. There were 52 Orsm updates this year meaning over 1000 'amateur' clips were posted. If you watched them all, well, please send me a pic of your destroyed junk for RS.
Next why don't we look at the TOP 5 MOST VIEWED PORN CLIPS. These are the ones not involving sex but usually involving a naked female in some awesome way. Brilliance if I do say so.
TOP 5 MOST VIEWED GENERAL/NON-PORN VIDEOS is kind of the main everything else category and makes up the lion share of what's posted in each update. Again, with up to 70 or so videos loosely falling into this group each update there were a crazy amount for you guys to get through.
I've included the TOP 5 ALCOHOL RELATED VIDEOS because who the fuck wouldn't want to see what topped this category???
If you are brave enough to open any of the Don't Watch This Vids which make it to most updates then you're a brave motherfucker. Its something you can and should tell people about yourself. So here we have the TOP 5 DON'T WATCH THIS VIDS and if they're something you normally avoid then now's your chance to see the cream of the crop...
The TOP 5 IMAGE GALLERIES isn't really that telling at all; as in its easy to see what you guys like the most. Hint: if it looked like the gallery contained vaginas then it got fuckloads of views. Simples.
Finally, but definitely not leastly are the TOP 5 RANDOM SHITES. I think each one had 85 images each update. Including this update that pushes well past 4,500 images. Oh the things my eyes must have seen.
Ooooookay we should prob get cracking with the update. Just want to say a HUGE/MASSIVE/GIANT THANK YOU to everyone who supported Orsm this year. Received some unforgettable emails from you guys who appreciated the updates during lockdowns and what not. Made me work harder than I maybe ever have but also pushed me towards some realisations about where I want this site to go. Planning to do something with that info in the new year.
Fuck, one more thing............
**NEXT ORSM UPDATE WILL BE JANUARY 14th, 2021**
Alrighty then... C-H-R-I-S-T-M-A-S U-P-D-A-T-E GO GO GO!! Check it...
If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they please let me know, I need to borrow some chairs.
--
Took my little girl to see Santa at the local shopping centre yesterday and as we approached him there was the unmistakable stench of booze and fags. God only knows what poor old Santa must have thought of her.
--
Only time of the year you can shout "Don't come in here" from inside a closed room and people think your wrapping gifts and not wanking.
--
My epileptic daughter sure loves our new Christmas tree. You should see how excited she gets when we turn on the lights.
--
The day after Christmas, I had a guy knock on my door, trying to preach to me about Jesus, saying how I should repent for my sins. My 10-year-old son was still excited and ran to the door shouting "Santa Claus came to my house!" The man looked at me and said "Isn't he a bit old to believe that there's an imaginary man, watching everything you do, judging whether you're good or bad?" "Sorry, which church were you from again?"
--
"I bet you could wrap Christmas presents with your eyes closed by now" I said to my wife. "I probably could" she laughed. "Great, I'll just go and get yours" I said.
--
This woman walks into a tattoo parlour one Christmas and asks for a tattoo of a Christmas tree on her right inner thigh and a cocktail drink on her left inner thigh. The tattoo artist says "Now that's an unusual request. Why do you want two tattoos there?" The woman replies "Because my husband always complains there's nothing to eat between Christmas and New Year".
--
He laid her on the table. So white clean and bare. His forehead wet with beads of sweat. He rubbed her here and there. He touched her neck and then her breast. And then drooling felt her thigh. The slit was wet and all was set, He gave a joyous cry. The hole was wide... he looked inside. All was dark and murky. He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms... and then he stuffed the turkey.
--
One Christmas, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus saying "Please send me a sister". Santa wrote him back "Okay, send me your mother".
It was snowing as George, the mailman, braved the elements to deliver the day's mail.
Mrs. Smith gasped as nearly 50 Christmas Cards came pouring through the opening. It was just four days till Christmas. Mrs. Smith could not remember a day when George had failed to deliver the mail in the 15 years the family had lived there. She made a note to ask her husband something when he arrived later.
The next day Mrs. Smith met George at the door in her bathrobe. Outside were near-blizzard conditions, but Mrs. Smith knew George would be by. She invited him in, asked him to take his wet coat off, and then handed him some warm apple cider and some homemade cookies.
Gratefully he stepped in out of the harsh elements. He really appreciated the chance to warm up a little. He was a little embarrassed as the icicles that had formed on his moustache started to melt, but Mrs. Smith handed him a napkin with a smile. After he finished his snack, Mrs. Smith politely asked George to come upstairs to help her lift something heavy.
As he entered the bedroom, Mrs. Smith took George's hand and led him over to the bed. Then she kissed him gently. "George, please do not say no. This is very important to me". With that she carefully stepped out of her robe and crawled under the covers.
George wasn't sure he could have said no. Mrs. Smith was a graceful, beautiful woman. He was totally overcome! Quickly he undressed and crawled into the warm bed where Mrs. Smith waited for him under the covers. It was the kind of experience that only lasts a few fabulous moments, but you dream about it for the rest of your life.
Later as George put his clothes back on and was ready to leave, Mrs. Smith handed George a dollar bill. George was puzzled. "What's this for?" he asked.
Mrs. Smith smiled. "Last night I told my husband what a wonderful mailman you are and asked him what we could get you for a Christmas present. If I remember correctly, his exact words were 'Fuck'im! Give him a cookie and a dollar'. Merry Christmas, George, you are a wonderful man!"
This is a story about a couple that had been happily married for 40 years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he woke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. But the years went by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her! She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Sometime later she heard her husband awaken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing; tears in her eyes. After years of torture she reckoned she had got her own back.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said "Honey, you were right. All those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you".
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out and today it finally happened. You were right all along! But, by the grace of God, some Vaseline and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in".
RANDOM SHITE [THE GET A LOAD OF THE TINSEL ON THAT EDITION]
DECEMBER 8TH 2020
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
DECEMBER 9TH
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a lovelier place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. I shovelled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
DECEMBER 12TH
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbour tells me not to worry; we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbour.
DECEMBER 14TH
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realise I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
DECEMBER 15TH
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. I bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
DECEMBER 16TH
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
DECEMBER 17TH
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God, I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
DECEMBER 20TH
Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shovelling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplough came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
DECEMBER 22ND
Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plough on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the cunt is lying.
DECEMBER 23RD
Only 2 inches of snow today, and it warmed up to "0". The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What???? Is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.
DECEMBER 24TH
6 inches. Snow packed so hard by snowplough, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplough, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the Goddamn snowplough.
DECEMBER 25TH
Merry Fucking Christmas! 20 more inches of the white shit tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking IDIOT. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
DECEMBER 26TH
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
DECEMBER 27TH
Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
DECEMBER 28TH
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!
DECEMBER 29TH
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
DECEMBER 30TH
Roof caved in. I beat up the snowplough driver. He is now suing me; not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. 9 inches predicted. Good riddance, bitch!
DECEMBER 31ST
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shovelling.
JANUARY 8TH 2021
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cut back on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorneys association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
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As the world's population swelled over the past few decades, Santa's sleigh got heavier and heavier, requiring more reindeer to pull it.
Santa hired two new reindeer as crew, Lee and Franklin. As part of their new hire training both Lee and Franklin go through a lot of physical training, navigational training, as well as a list of things that is to be packed on the sleigh.
Franklin is going through the list of banned items. There are weapons, drugs, etc., but one item caught his curiosity... Cement.
Franklin says to Lee "Hey, do you have any idea why cement might be banned?"
"No idea, let's ask the boss. I can't see why anyone would want that" says Lee
They both go to Santa's office and ask "Hey, Santa? Does anyone ever actually ask for cement for Christmas?"
Santa, in the process of checking his list, puts it down and says "Yes. Every year there is a small village by a river that floods constantly. They ask for as much as they can get to build a wall. Every year I refuse".
Both Franklin and Lee look at each other in amazement. That sounds like a great gift to give a village who needs it.
Franklin then asks "But Santa, why would you ban them from having cement? It sure sounds like they could use it!"
The wife comes home early and finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady.
"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me, the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house. I want a divorce!"
The husband replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened".
"Hmm... I don't know... well, it'll be the last thing I will hear from you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig!"
The husband begins to tell his story "While driving home this young lady asks for a ride. I noticed that she was very thin, not well-dressed, and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days. I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight. Since she was very dirty, she asked to take a shower. Her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away and I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you. I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary, the one you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas, the one you refuse to wear just to bother my sister; and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair".
"The young woman was very grateful to me and as I walked her to the door, she turned around, and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me 'Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?'"
A pastor and a nun had been asked to speak at a catholic seminar out of town.
It was quite a long drive, so they had to stay in a hotel for the night. Unfortunately, during the Christmas holidays, all hotels were packed. After visiting 3 hotels that were completely full, they finally found one that had a spare room. The manager of the hotel apologised, because the one room that was still available, only had a double bed. He suggested that one of them could sleep in the lobby for free, but the pastor told him not to worry "We are two grown-ups, blessed by god, so sharing a bed for one night isn't a problem".
Once in their room, the nun wanted to be sure that the devil wouldn't seduce them to unholy deeds, so she came up with a plan. She opened the window, took some snow from the balcony and put it in her underwear. The pastor asked her what she was doing and she told him that she wanted to be sure that nothing sexual would happen between them.
A couple of minutes later, the nun sees how the pastor is wrapping his penis with the chain (rosary) that is normally hanging around his neck. She thanks him multiple times for being so understanding and says that god will be proud of them for taking all these precautions and leaving the devil no chance.
The pastor looks her in the eyes and says "I don't think you understand. I'm putting on my snow chains".
Just before Christmas I was shopping at a toy store.
I glanced to my left and caught sight of a queue at the doll counter; they were waiting for the shelves to be restocked with Mattel dolls. As I looked, I realised that in the queue was a good friend of mine. Knowing Bradley well I was sure that he had no daughters nor did he have any nieces so I wondered why he should want to buy a doll at Christmas time.
"Hey, Bradley" I cried "I hadn't realised you collected dolls...?" "I don't" he replied laughing.
"Really" I queried "then you must be buying a Christmas present then?" "No, not at all, my friend" responded Bradley, his eyes twinkling merrily.
"If you don't mind my asking then Bradley" I said "Why exactly are you standing in this particular queue?" "Oh that" he giggled "It's like this" he mused "I've never been able to resist a Barbie queue".
A man calls his son the day before Christmas Eve and says "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough!"
"Dad, what are you talking about?" his son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer!" the father says "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister and tell her".
Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced!" she shouts "I'll take care of this!"
She immediately calls her dad and screams "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there! We'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing! DO YOU HEAR ME!? don't do a THING!" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife "Sorted! They're coming for Christmas AND they're paying their own way".
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One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. There was a romantic full moon, and Huan Cho said "Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu". "Oh no, not now. Let's just look at the moon" said Jung Lee.
"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time" Huan Cho begged. "But I had rather just hold your hand and watch the moon".
"Please Jung Lee, just once... play Weeweechu with me". Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said "Okay, we'll play Weeweechu".
Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year".
YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE WHAT'S HAPPENING ON CHATURBATE RIGHT NOW... BUT THIS SHOULD HELP:
It's early December and Santa hears the doorbell go. When he opens the door, he sees a small man in a blue uniform and peaked cap holding a clipboard.
"Hello, sir" he says. "Higginbotham. Civil Aviation Authority. Our records show that you're overdue for a checkride, and we need to keep our records up to date so you're cleared to traverse the airspace".
Santa considers arguing for a moment, and then shrugs and goes to hitch up the reindeer and slide the sleigh out onto the runway. He slings a couple of sacks of junk in as ballast and climbs aboard, and Higginbotham climbs up next to him, slipping a couple of shells into a shotgun as he does.
About to crack the whip, Santa suddenly registers the shotgun, and says "What's that for?" "I'm not supposed to say" says Higginbotham "but since it's you..." he lays a finger aside of his nose "you're going to lose an engine on take-off!"
Well dudes that is me 100% DONE for the year. can't tell you how happy I am about this. Going to put my feet up, play some PS4, eat some potato chips and try to touch the boobs. That's it, that's all.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there... or can do. Might make that my holidays project so I can tell people I worked through...
-Check out the archives. I'm pretty sure this update will keep y'all going for a while but if not, there's 21 years of Orsm updates in the archives.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Hahah as if. See you guys on the 14th January!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will nothing. Would just be a cool thing to do that'd help me out.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems, Merry Christmas, HNY and stay safe on the roads everybody! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2020.12.17-20.42
Welcome to trochaic tetrameter.
It's been an insane week. The amount of school and sport and Christmas and just general end of year events is staggering. Not just every day - multiple things every day. And that's just for the kids... forget all the shit I have on including, well, not that much. I just live to serve them... annnnyway, I'll keep my spiel brief because really, really want to get stuck into working on next week's big, giant, huge year-ending Christmas update and she's going to take huge chunks of my next 7 days. Right now I'm divided as to whether Orsm is back on the 7th or 14th of Jan. Same as literally everyone - I'm fucking thrashed and those extra few days will make a world of difference versus I hate letting you dudes down. That said, it's actually been forever since there's been a skipped update so that must count for something. Guess we'll see what happens come the 7th! Meanwhile, I have a very good, they're saying the best anyone has ever seen, update for you guys today. T'was an absolute fucking pleasure putting this one together so go forth, enjoy, try not to kill the servers aaaand check it...
I don't know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers. After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same clerk. The way he interacted with me also changed, giving me little smile's and sometimes a wink. All of a sudden it hit me, and I felt embarrassed by what he was probably thinking. The next time I went in I also grabbed a jar of Vaseline; hopefully I fixed this before he spread any rumours about me being a vegan.
--
I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's now really Hans free.
--
There once was a wise old man in a village. Old beyond memory, he channelled the knowledge of nature and the divine for his fellow townsfolk. Many came to him with questions, until one day he took a vow of silence, shuttering his open door. Instead, he turned to his untended field. He would work the land, pushing his own plough, forgoing a horse. After years in silence, his hands grown tough from seasons of sowing, his old bones gave out. He collapsed in silence in his field, before eventually being found by the townsfolk. He was quickly brought by the townsfolk to the local doctor. The townsfolk held their breath as they left him alone with the wise old man, hoping that he would be able to help a mute. A few moments later, the doctor emerged from the house, grabbing a small section of cloth, tearing it up, and inserting it in each nostril. The townsfolk, concerned, asked what was wrong. The doctor replied "The super calloused fragile mystic reeks of halitosis"
--
A new fertiliser salesman visits a farm and is intrigued to see a three-legged pig running about the
yard. "What's with the pig?" he asks the farmer. "That be a roight special pig. Why, one time the missus were feeding the ducks and fell into the pond. That pig, he come running up from nowhere, dived in and rescued her. Then there was the time the kitchen stove caught fire when we were in bed one night. That pig, he broke down the door, come up the stairs and woke us up with his squealing so we could put it out before it spread any further. And another occasion, some men broke into the shed one night and were about to take the tractor. That pig, he come up behind them and bit one so hard that he left a trail of blood as they ran away. Aye, that be one roight special pig". "But why's it only got three legs?" "Well, a pig that special, you don't want to go eating it all at once!".
--
Late in the night he regained consciousness. He found himself in agonising pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. He realised he'd obviously been in a serious accident. She gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say "You may not feel anything from the waist down". Somehow, he managed to mumble in reply "Can I feel your tits, then?" That, my friends, is a positive attitude!
--
North Korea has fired a long-range rocket, ignoring warnings. Particularly: "Do Not Mix Mentos With Diet Coke".
--
An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives. They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says "Could you pass the honey, honey?" The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says "Could you pass the sugar, sugar?" The Irish man, not wanting to be out witted by the other two men, looks over at his wife and says "Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?"
--
A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything. His friend replies "That's great. Did you get a blow job?" Oh, no... I never found her head".
--
A teacher asked her class "What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my mum always says". The teacher asked "Really and what four little animals would that be?" The little girl said "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it.
--
A man marries a young naïve country girl and on their wedding night, he shows her his tackle and tells her he's the only man to have such a thing. Times goes by and after a couple of months, they're in bed one morning when she grabs his willy and remarks "You were fibbing when you told me you were the only man to have one of these, I've discovered that Mr Biggun across the road has one as well". The husband thinks quickly and replies "Oh yes, that was a spare one I had, so I gave it to him". "Oh darling" she sighs. "Why did you give him the best one?"
A woman was arrested for shop lifting and found herself in court facing the judge who asked her what she had stolen. "A can of peaches" she replied. The judge asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. "How many peaches are in a can?" the judge asked. "There are six peaches" the woman replied. "In that case you will serve six days in jail" said the judge. Before the judge formally pronounced the sentencing the woman's husband stood up and asked the judge if he could say a few words on his wife's behalf. The judge allowed him the time to say what he wanted to say. "Your honour, I think it's only fair that you should know, that she also stole a large tin of peas"
--
An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively. "I would like it infrequently " she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered "Is that one word or two?"
--
A barber runs out of his shop and down to the nearest corner where a policeman is standing. "Officer" he asks "have you seen a man run by here? "No, I haven't. What's the problem?" "The rotten bastard ran out of my shop without paying me!" "This fellow" the officer asks "does he have any distinguishing features?" Well, yes" the barber replies. "He's carrying one of his ears in his hand".
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "Okay do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either".
"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own".
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black". "Well" replies the girl "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black".
"Oh, I'm very sorry" says the midwife, that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair". "Well yes" the girl again replies "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy".
"Oh, I'm sorry" the midwife repeats "that's really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes". "Yes" continues the girl "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice".
At this, the midwife again apologises, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt.
The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims "Thank god for that!" "What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked. "Well" says the girl extremely relieved "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark..."
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert. Again, he is ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, you guessed it, Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more action! And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Robert gets set to leave again, is young bride says to him "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert".
Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says "You mean I was here already?"
The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old. Alzheimer's has its advantages.
One day, as a horse is watching TV, a music video for "Purple Haze" by Jimi Hendrix comes on. The horse falls in love with the song. Then, he explores more of Jimi Hendrix's discography and soon enough he's a full-on Jimi Hendrix fan.
After some time of being a Hendrix fan, the horse is inspired to be a guitarist. He gets all the money he has and buys a low-end used Stratocaster. He begins to learn how to play, and quickly enough, he knows how to play every Jimi Hendrix song. He can play every riff flawlessly.
Then the horse decides "This isn't enough". He wants to start a band. He had heard about this chicken who is an absolute beast at bass. So he finds the chicken and he asks him to join him. The chicken, who has a deep passion for music, accepts gladly. The chicken begins to listen to Jimi Hendrix, and soon enough, he can play the bass of every song perfectly.
But the two needed more band members. There is an older cow on the farm who used to play drums. They ask him "Would you like to join our band?" But the cow seemed sad. The cow said "I would love to, but I sold my drums some time ago".
The horse and chicken decide to buy a drum set for the cow. After they presented him with the drum set, the cow jumped with joy. Nostalgia running through his veins, he gets on the drums and rips it. The rumours were true; the cow was a legendary drummer. Flattered by the horse and chicken's efforts, the cow couldn't help but join the band. The cow began to listen to Jimi Hendrix, and could play every one of his songs in no time.
Now they have three amazing musicians, but something was missing - vocals. None of them could sing. The chicken then remembers a pig from college who used to be in music class with him. After much searching, they found the pig's whereabouts; it was a farm only 10 miles north!
They travel to the other farm and find the pig. He is working on the field in his farm. They say to him "We're starting a band, but none of us can sing. Would you like to join us?" The pig looks at the ground under him, and then at his dirty hooves. He tells them "Since I was a boy, my dream had always been to have a career in music. How I ended up here, I don't know. I'll join, because a career in music is my dream. No matter the risks, I'm on board". And so, the pig joined, and listened to Jimi Hendrix, and learned every lyric to every Jimi Hendrix song.
Thus started the beginning of the Barnyard Bros. At first, they were just a Jimi Hendrix cover band. They received a nice, modest following of fans. They could emulate the Jimi Hendrix Experience flawlessly. The resemblance was uncanny. They were starting to get the ball rolling.
Then the horse, the one who started it all, said again "This isn't enough". They decided that if they were going to be big, it had to be their own music they were playing. They started to write their own music, and eventually recorded their first studio album. And everyone loved it. Their fan base was growing faster then they could ever imagine. Their album sold over a million copies. Number 1 on iTunes. Number 1 on Google Play. Number 1 played album on Spotify. They were everywhere. They were the most popular band in the world.
Then one day horse's old farmer gets a call. It's from Jimmy Kimmel's manager. Kimmel wants them on the show. The farmer calls up the horse and tells him of this opportunity. The horse is ecstatic! He and his band get to be on TV!
What the horse did not know is that his farmer is a huge Jimmy Kimmel fan. It's been his dream to attend the show, but he hasn't had the finances to do so. He asks the horse "Please, can you find it in your heart to take me?" The horse loved his farmer very much. His farmer was the one who gave him his job. Had it not been for that job, he would have never got that guitar, never started a band, and never would have been in the position he was in. The horse then agrees to take the farmer to see Jimmy Kimmel, and decides to give a little more. An all-expenses paid, weeklong trip to LA, so the farmer can enjoy the city after he goes to the show.
The horse flies to LA a week before the rest to finalise the deal. He meets with Kimmel and his manager and sings the deal. It's official; the Barnyard Bros will be on the Jimmy Kimmel show.
Soon after, the rest of the band and the farmer get on their flight to LA. But tragedy strikes. An engine fails. The plane is losing stability, but can still fly. In a few minutes, the other engine begins failing. The plane begins to plummet. The plane nose dives into the ground and crashes.
There are no survivors. Everyone, the chicken, the cow, the pig, and the farmer, gone.
The horse hears about the news, and begins to break down in tears. "This is my fault" he said to himself. The horse blamed himself for their deaths because he had started this band. They wouldn't be on that plane if he hadn't had the stupid idea to get the band together and go on the Kimmel show. He cancelled his appointment to be on the Jimmy Kimmel Show, as the Barnyard Bros were no more.
The horse, seeing as his friends were no longer alive, his dreams of a band shot to hell, starts going into a downward spiral. He starts taking whatever he can get. Drugs, booze... he did it all. He goes to a bar in LA and tells the bartender to just leave the bottle. The bartender looks at the horse. The horse is visibly upset. Now the bartender is a nice guy. He doesn't like seeing people in a bad mood and always does his best to help. So the bartender approaches the horse, and asks him "Hey, why the long face?"
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.
He mentioned the trip to his barber, who responded "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're flying Qantas " was the reply. "We got a great deal!" " Qantas!?" exclaimed the barber. "They're shit. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late".
"So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at the downtown International Marriott". "That dump? That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is horrid and they're overpriced".
"So, whatcha doing when you get there?" "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope". "That's rich" laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him! He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it!"
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful" explained the man "not only were we on time in one of Jetstar's brand-new planes, but it was overbooked so they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a major renovation and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologised and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge! "
"Well" muttered the barber "I know you didn't get to see the Pope!" "Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me".
"Really!!?" asked the barber. "What'd he say?" He said "Where'd you get the shitty haircut?"
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Two well-dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in airport terminal.
The first lady was an arrogant Victorian married to a wealthy business man. The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from Bunno in Western Australia.
After a little while the Victorian woman started by saying "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me". The lady from Bunno commented "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful gold Mercedes-Benz". Again, the lady from Bunno commented "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman went on "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet". Yet again, the Bunno lady commented "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman then asked "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" My husband sent me to charm school" declared the Bunno lady. "Charm school?" the first woman cried "Oh, my Lord! What could they teach you??" The Bunno lady responded "Well as an example... instead of saying 'Who gives a flying fuck?' I learned to say 'Well, isn't that precious?'"
39 SERIOUSLY HOT GIRLS WHO NEED OUR HELP KNOWING HOW THEY LOOK
Two deputies in the Sheriff's Office, one who had been in town for ten years and the other who had just transferred, answered an emergency call. When they walked into the house, they found the bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.
"No doubt about it" the new deputy said "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself".
"You're right" the experienced deputy replied. "But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say 'it could have been worse'". "No way. You're on".
The old sheriff arrived at the scene. "No doubt about it" the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide". After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies in the eyes.
"But, you know" he said "it could have been worse".
The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this house, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse".
"Yes, it could" the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would've been me!"
In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying.
The Nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the Nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
As her eyes brightened, the Nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.
"Mother..." the Nuns asked earnestly "please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us".
Mother Superior raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said "DON'T SELL THAT COW".
GIRLS WHO CAN LICK THEIR OWN BOOBS previously on Orsm: #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog.
His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by.
They fired, and a duck fell.
The dog responded and jumped into the water.
The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.
The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did" responded his friend "He can't swim".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A bartender is working at a bar and has 3 customers.
All of them look extremely tired, with dark circles around their eyes and generally sluggish movements. As he offers a drink to the first one, the bartender says "Excuse me sir, I hope you don't mind me saying so, but you look incredibly tired. Can I ask why?"
The man looks up and sighs, as he takes his drink. "Sure, pal. I'm a CEO, and my job is incredibly stressful. I'm up until the early hours of the morning every night getting my work done, and I don't get to take any breaks or weekends".
"I'm sorry to hear that" the bartender says, as he moves along the bar. "How about you, madam? You also look rather tired".
The next customer looks up. "I have insomnia" she replies. "I lay awake tossing and turning for days on end, unable to get any rest. The only thing that helps me is drinking, to relax my mind". The bartender frowns. "That's awful, I'm sorry to hear that".
As he moves to the last customer and passes him his drink, he says "And what about you, sir? You look more tired than the other two combined".
But the panda doesn't reply, because pandas don't speak English.
Mary Poppins was travelling home one evening, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel.
She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night. "Certainly madam" he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary. "Sorry, no" came the reply "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from the menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it.
"Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please" said Mary. "Certainly madam" he replied. "And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please" Mary mused.
After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.
"Morning madam... sleep well?" "Yes, thank you" Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?" "Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, Shame about the eggs though... they really weren't nice at all" replied Mary. "Oh... well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book? We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion" said the receptionist. "Okay I will... thanks!" replied Mary who then checked out, paused awhile, then scribbled a comment into the book, and then left to continue her journey home.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to read her comment: "Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!!!!"
The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips. She sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner.
The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotising her with his soft murmurs of assurance.
He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need. Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long.
And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought "It's too big! It will never fit!"
Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes and he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again...
Well boys and girls, children, that is THAT. Not goona lie - was a fun update to make happen so hopefully if you've made it this far down the page you thought so too.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. Promise I'll do my best to get some stuff posted there before the year is out.
-Check out the archives. They'll take you places your brain won't be able to comprehend.
-Next update will be next Thursday. LAST ONE FOR 2020 !!!!!!!!!! DON'T FUCKING MISS IT !!!!!!!!!!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray I'll kill your whole family on Christmas Eve and make it look like you done it.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stay safe on the roads, people. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2020.12.10-20.40
Welcome to when in doubt, do the right. The rest of the time.........
Quite a taxing update to make happen [but aren't they all?]. This week has been all over the place like a mad woman's shit. I've just spent an hour trying to write a bloggy bit for this top section but it refused to make sense so deleted the lot whilst hoping to avoid and inbox full of "Dude, you okay?" emails. Some key points to take away: 1: Everything is fiiiiiine; 2. Pretty sure if I looked back through a coupla decades of Orsm December updates I'd have the same list of grievances with the world as I do today; 3. VERY much looking forward to a few days off after Christmas; 4. This update delivers. Congrats - you're all catched up! Check it...
I wasn't allowed to say anything until today, but it's now done so... I volunteered for the test phase of COVID-19 vaccine from Pfizer. The vaccine is the one that has been developed in Russia. It is in 6 different stages and I received my first dose at 6:20 AM, and I wanted to let you all know that it is safe and I'm ok, with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκι я чувю себя немного стрно и я думю, что вытл осные уши. чувству себя немго страо. Comrades.
--
I was in the Western Bar and Grill last night sitting at the bar waiting for a beer when a butt- ugly, big old heifer (a female human I think) came up behind me, and slapped me on the butt. She said "Hey sexy, how about giving me your number so we can hook up and have some great SEX!?!" I looked at her and said "Have you got a pen". She said "I sure do, honey". I said "Well, you better get back in it before the farmer notices you're missing". My dental shurgery shtartsh thish Friday.
--
I was in America trying to buy a stick of 36 inches but I couldn't find any. It is strange, I am always hearing about their yard sales.
--
The teacher asked the class if anyone could give the class an example of love. Little Susie stood up and said "I saw two robins making a nest together, I think that is love". "Very good" said the teacher, anyone else?" Little Johnny stood up and said "I think love is 'fucking'". The teacher was shocked and told little Johnny to go home and not to come back without a note from his father. The next morning Little Johnny was back in class, the teacher asked "Do you have a note from your father?" Little Johnny said "No, my father said love is fucking and anyone that says it is not is a cock sucker and he doesn't correspond with cock suckers".
--
A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. "I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it" she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation". "Calm down, honey" the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on. "The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again". What was that for?" he complained. "Your dog called last night".
--
I got caught by the Police selling Filofaxes to the Mafia, I am now in prison serving 25 to life for my part in organised crime.
--
A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door. In steps a very large black man. The dwarf stares and says "You're the biggest man I have ever seen". The man nods his head, and replies "I'm 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I'm Turner Brown". The dwarf faints! After coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself. So he does "I said I'm 6 - 9, 259 lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown". The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing. "For a minute there, I thought you said 'Turn Around'".
--
A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. "What did you take?" his priest asked. "Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake". "This is very serious" the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?" "No, Father, I haven't" the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber".
--
A study in Scotland showed that the kind of "male face" a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is post-menstrual, she may be attracted to plain facial features. When pre-menstrual she can be attracted to more feminine features in a man. If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features, and if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with a pair of scissors shoved in his temple.
--
A bloke got to his seat on a plane and was surprised to find a parrot sitting next to him. After take-off, the stewardess brought the drinks trolley around. The bloke asked for a coffee but the parrot said "Get me a bloody bourbon, you cow!" The stewardess was a bit flustered, and she returned with the bourbon, but not the coffee. The bloke asked for his coffee again and the parrot chimed in with "And get me another bourbon, you bitch!" The stewardess was really upset. She brought back another bourbon, but forgot the coffee again. The bloke followed the parrot's lead and yelled "Get me that bloody coffee, you dumb tart!" Suddenly two sky marshals ripped the bloke and the parrot out of their seats and threw them out of the emergency exit. As they fell through the air, the parrot said to the bloke "You're pretty ballsy for someone who can't fly!"
A white-as-they-come banker arrives into his new cell in prison, to be met by the biggest African guy he'd ever seen in his life sitting in the corner. "Hello" the banker said sheepishly. "Welcome to your new home" said the big fella as he closed over the cell door "today we will play a game. It's called Mummies & Daddies. I will let you pick. What do you want to be - Mummy or Daddy?" The banker being the clever fella, and not wanting to be on the receiving end replied "I'll be Daddy". "Okay, says the African guy... now come over here and suck mummies cock".
--
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They are knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age" Bob replies. "What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles and says "No, I told her I was 90".
--
I didn't know what to expect when I got my Korean mail-order bride, but she's very economical and also very skilled with crafts and such. For example, yesterday, she made me a new sweater made entirely from rags! It's really a shame though, because I loved that little dog.
There once was a fair young maiden who, upon finding herself at the prime age for courtship, began searching for a quality suitor to marry.
After an array of disappointing candidates, she met a dashing young gentleman of aristocratic breeding.
At first, the fair lady feared that the man, with his dashing looks, would be inclined to mischief. However, she found herself dazzled by his good manners, his thoughtful disposition, and his unfailing respect for her dignity. He took her coat, he opened the carriage doors, he lay his own coat on muddy patches of ground whereupon she would walk, he never uttered a foul word, and he always bid her a fond good-night. His manners were impeccable.
After a long courtship, she found herself in love.
One night, after a particularly stimulating rendition of Shakespeare's *Romeo and Juliet" the pair took to the lady's bed and consummated the relationship. The suitor was as gentle and attentive in bed as he was in courtship; he focused his fullest attention on pleasing the lady, and quickly enough, she found herself positively shuddering with carnal ecstasy.
The two lovers lay silently in post-coital bliss.
After some time had elapsed, the young man turned to the lady. My dear lady, he said, our courtship has been long, and now we have consummated our blissful affair. I find that I want to ask... if it's acceptable to my dear lady's dignity... ah, I find I'm embarrassed to even propose the question. But if I may... Would it be at all possible, my love, for you to do me the pleasure of placing your mouth upon my penis?
The lady was taken aback. She was no low woman of the night. She was an upstanding and well-mannered specimen... What would her dear departed mother think of such a promiscuous act? And yet, her lover had brought her much happiness, and had he not pleased her so well in this very bed?
She considered the question carefully for some time before answering. My dear prince, she said, you have brought me much happiness, and your loving attentiveness has never wavered. You treat me with so much respect. But I fear that, if I were to stoop in such a manner, you would not look at me the same way. You would not respect me as much. I fear that I cannot, dear lover, do as you have asked.
The young man greeted this answer graciously and reassured the lady that he would always view her as a woman deserving of dignity and respect. The young lady was taken by his graciousness, even in the face of disappointment. She fell even more in love.
Some months later, the man proposes with a beautiful speech and a gorgeous ring; the finest diamond money could buy. In a state of mutual adoration and joy, the pair again took to the bed chamber, where again the man exerted all his energy in the pleasing of his new fiancé. Again, the young lady shuddered with ecstasy.
As the two engaged lovers lay together in mutual bliss, the man again turned to the lady and asked, if it be acceptable to her dignity, that now that they had acquired the sacred promise of marriage, would the lady... if she were willing... Do him the pleasure, of placing her mouth upon his penis?
Again, the lady thought the matter over, and again she turned him down. I just don't think you would see me with the same respect, she said, were I to engage in such a licentious act. Again, the young man took this rejection gracefully.
After a year of happy engagement, the pair were finally married. The ceremony was held in a beautiful church. Hundreds of people attended the joyful reception, wherein the young groom greeted each guest with the highest courtesy. Many women told the bride how fortunate she was to be married to such a fine, well-mannered gentleman.
As the sun set and the reception ended, the exhausted, happy pair retreated to the marriage bed. As always, the man poured all his attention and devotion into pleasing his new bride. Again, they found themselves cuddled together in a dreamy, post coital bliss.
The man turned to his new bride. My beautiful wife, he said. Our hearts have been intertwined for several years, and now we have finally forged our eternal bond as husband and wife in the eyes of God. Our union shall last even as matter decays and the cosmos dim, so profound is the light of our everlasting love. I shall forever respect you and your inalienable dignity. My dear bride, though it reddens my cheeks to ask... Would you please, consider, offering me the pleasure of placing your mouth upon my penis?
The lady replied, my dear husband... Though I know you are a gentleman of the highest category, and that you will ever respect me, a small part of me still associates that act with lowly women, still fears that you will not respect me if I were to engage in such base carnality. And yet, you have given me such pleasure in the bed chamber. How could I deny you the same? I shall place my mouth upon your penis, and though I regard it as lowly and unbecoming of a proper woman, I shall allow you to evacuate upon my face.
The bride got upon her knees and followed through with her answer. This time it was the young man who shuddered in ecstasy.
The couple again lay quiet in a dreamy bliss. Suddenly, the silence was broken by the ringing of the telephone down the hall.
After it had rang for a not insignificant amount of time, the young man turned to his wife. "Aren't you going to answer the fucking phone, you dirty cocksucker?"
An old fisherman suspected his wife of cheating, so he hired a private investigator.
The fisherman and his wife lived in Saint John's, Newfoundland and he made his living by going out into the ocean to net cod under the watchful eye of his captain.
In those days, the best fishing was to be found far out on the banks very far from the shore, so the fisherman was often away from home for weeks at a time. Since he was away so much, the marriage had suffered and he saw in the way his wife acted that she must be unfaithful. He would've suspected the captain as his wife's lover, for he had always had eyes for his lady. However, this was not possible, as they were together on the modest fishing boat. The same went for the helmsman and the first mate. Still, he remembered his wife's distant demeanour and knew that she must be seeking comfort in the arms of another.
Now, the fisherman's father had been a mean old drunken fool, but also a very fine whaler in the dying days of that storied profession. Before he died, he left his son with a valuable lesson: to conquer the swiftest and most clever of whales, you need not be swifter nor cleverer; only more persistent than he. These words echoed in the man's mind the day that he called up a private investigator.
The retired detective was a mainlander and had a high fee. The fisherman figured it was worth it though, and slipped the money to him over the counter of a run-down pub one day as they discussed the details of the case. The fisherman was only in port for a short while at a time though ('no wonder he has marriage troubles,' thought the detective) so he soon left his wife, the detective, and the home-wrecker behind in Saint John's.
Two weeks later, the fisherman returned and was disappointed to hear from the detective that there were no leads in the case as they sipped whiskey at the pub. Nevertheless, he paid the man again before heading out onto the sea once more.
You can probably guess that this continued for a while, with the detective finding nothing the second time around. But the old sea dog remembered his father's wise words and paid the investigator again.
But then, weeks later on a chilly September morning, the fisherman spied the private investigator waving to him from the end of a pier as the cod-laden boat pulled in to port.
"Come quick!" hollered the detective "not only have I confirmed that your wife has taken a lover, her and the bastard are at your house right now!"
So the two men sped off towards the fisherman's house, and sure enough, as they peeked through the living room window his wife and lover were there, doing things that we don't mention in polite company.
"I'll be damned" said the fisherman. "I was right all along. I guess it was worth paying your fee all this time. What do you say we head down to the pub? I'd like to buy you a beer or two!"
"But what about the man who's been sleeping with your wife?" asked the private investigator, shocked at the man's nonchalance. "Oh, that rotten bastard?" replied the fisherman. "He can buy his own damn beer!"
AND NOW FOR 33 CAMEL TOES I'M 100% SURE YOU GUYS WILL ENJOY!
An old dying man invites three of his friends to his deathbed and asks a favour.
He says "We have been as brothers for longer than I can remember, and while I was not rich in life, I'd like to bring some wealth with me as I die. If you could each leave $5,000 in my coffin, it would bring me great peace".
The three men saw no fault in this, as they were all very rich, and all upstanding members of their respective communities.
Jim was a devout, aging Catholic, and he brought the five thousand in large bills, so as not to occupy much space in the coffin. He later told the members of his congregation, and oh how they lauded him on his selflessness to ease the mind of a dying friend.
Michael was a converted Muslim, and he feared that the dead had no use for paper money, so he converted the five thousand into gold for his friend, leaving the ingots next to the bills. He felt a great warmth inside of him, a feeling that can only be brought about by a good, charitable deed.
David was born Jewish, but wasn't so devout as many of his colleagues. He refused to buck off the stereotype and worked as a moneylender, a loan agent. Because of this, he understood how exchange rates worked and how trying to convert 3 different types of money to one may be hard for a man with little experience handling cash. Therefore, he wrote a check for fifteen thousand dollars, and took the gold and bills as change. He left his friend's side with such a great smile; he must have known the time he'd saved him in the afterlife.
Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.
The passenger screamed "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!"
The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window.
The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said "What do you want?" The old man softly replied "You got any tobacco?"
The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled "Step on it" to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.
The driver said "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now".
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
"There he is again!" the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying "Step on it!"
They were driving about 100mph, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
"Oh my God! He's back!"
The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror "WHAT NOW?" The old man gently replied "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
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A woman buys two beautiful talking female parrots from the pet store because she finds them to be exceedingly intelligent and polite, downright charming in fact!
Only, as soon as she gets them home, the only thing either bird will do is harshly screech out "I'M A WHORE! I'M A GOD DAMN WHORE!!"
The pet shop refuses to take the birds back, the owner claiming that she must have taught them that herself.
So as a last resort, she calls her pastor for guidance.
Her pastor tells her that she's in luck! He just so happens to have two very well behaved MALE parrots who just sit all day long praying to God and he just *KNOWS* they'll be able to straighten out her troubled little ladies.
So she brings her birds around to the pastor's house, and they are let into the cage with the pastor's good Christian soldiers.
As soon as they lay eyes on the males, the two females puff up their feathers and begin to strut on their perch.
"I'm a WHOOOORE!! A filthy god damn WHHHOOOORRREEE!!" They scream louder than ever.
One of the pastor's males gives the other a nudge. "See? I TOLD you all this prayer crap would pay off!"
IF YOU'RE GOING TO CATCH SOME SUN YOU MAY AS WELL DO IT RIGHT
Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way.
"Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?" Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"
Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted.
She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.
"Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson. "Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye". "Very good, Sam. Thank you".
Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you - first, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed".
An elderly British couple have just arrived in Africa for a safari vacation and are being shuttled by taxi to their hotel. They drive by a rural village, and a man is outside, completely naked, with a ruler up against his penis.
"Blimey!" exclaims the wife "what on earth is that bloke doing!" The local taxi driver pipes up "Well miss, he is telling the weather!"
He continues "You see, every morning he goes out and measures his penis, and for every 5mm, the temperature will be 1°C". "You're taking the piss!" yells the husband "pull over I want to test this out!"
So the taxi driver pulls over and asks the man what temperature it is. After a few seconds of careful measuring, the tribesman replies "It's 25.4°C!"
The taxi driver looks up the temperature on his phone and sure enough it's bang on 25.4°C.
"Bloody hell!" exclaims the wife "that's incredible!"
The couple are left dumbfounded, and head off to their hotel, finally arriving at night. The next morning the wife is getting ready in the bathroom and the husband is sitting at the kitchen table.
Wanting to know what she should wear for the day, the wife shouts out "Love, what's the temperature outside!" The husband, not knowing off hand, remembers what the local did the day before. So he goes over to his briefcase, pulls out a ruler, and measures his penis.
"Well?!" barks the wife "how should I dress?!" "You better dress bloody warm" exclaims the husband "it's 20 below zero!"
Q: DOES PIERCING NIPPLES MAKE THEM BETTER? A: IDK BUT I'M HAPPY TO TAKE A LOOK
George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me!"
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available". "Okay" said George.
He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them" and he hung up.
In five minutes, six Police cars, the SWAT Team, Police dogs, Fire trucks, Paramedics all arrived and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George "I thought you said that you'd shot them!?" George said "I thought you said there was nobody available!?"
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A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday gift when he saw a poor man with a beautiful white horse. He told the man that he would give him $500 for the horse.
The poor man replied "I don't know mister, it don't look so good" and walked away.
The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man $1000 for the horse.
The poor man said "I don't know mister, it don't look so good".
On the third day the rich man offered the poor man $2000 for the horse, and said he wouldn't take 'no' for an answer.
The poor man agreed, and the rich man took the horse home.
The rich man's daughter loved her present She climbed onto the horse, then galloped right into a tree.
The rich man rushed back over to the poor man's house, demanding an explanation for the horse's blindness.
The poor man replied "I told you it don't look so good!"
It's three days before prom, and Billy realises he still hasn't gotten his tux sorted yet. So, he goes all the way downtown to the tux store and when he opens the door there's a huge long tux line. Apparently, everyone in town waited until the last possible minute to rent a tux, which shouldn't be that surprising for a 17-year-old boy.
So, he waits and he waits and he waits and finally he gets his tux when he over hears two boys talking about their dates and he thinks "Shit! I need to get a corsage".
So, Billy heads on down to the florist and of course there is a huge long corsage line. This too, of course shouldn't be surprising as flowers will die and you don't want to buy them too early. He waits and waits and finally he has his flowers. When he's leaving the shop he overhears two ladies looking at flowers and talking about wedding transportation and Billy groans and thinks "I need a limo".
Wouldn't you know it, prom season is prime wedding season as well, and when he gets to the rental agency there's a huge long limo line. Billy spends even longer waiting in the limo line than the other shops, it's nearly dark when he finally gets his limo.
Billy is relieved to finally have everything he needs for the prom and phones his girlfriend Penny to tell her the good news. Penny asks "Did you get the prom tickets?" Billy starts to panic when Penny laughs and told him she got them a week ago and scolds him for waiting so long to reserve everything.
The night of the prom arrives and when Billy and Penny get to the prom there's a huge long prom line to get in, because of course in this day and age they need to search the prom goers for drugs and alcohol and weapons. Billy submits to a pat down and goes into the prom.
Penny says let's go dance for a bit, and after some hardcore boogying, Penny suggests they eat. Billy agrees and follows her to the buffet table where there's a huge long buffet line. So they wait and they wait getting hungrier and more impatient until they are finally laden with food and make their way to their table.
They had just begun to eat when Penny realises she forgot drinks, to which Billy insists upon getting for the both of them. He heads over to the drinks table and there is no punch line.
Once upon a time, when the body was first made, all the parts of the body wanted to be Boss.
The brain said "Since I do all the deep thinking and planning, I should be boss".
The muscles said "Since I get you all into position to do what the Brain wants, I should be Boss".
The eyes said "Since I look out for you all and tell you where danger lurks, I should be made Boss".
And so it went with the legs, heart, lungs, etc.
Then finally, the Arsehole spoke up and demanded that he be made Boss. All the other parts of the body laughed and laughed at the thought of the Arsehole being made Boss. This so angered the Arsehole that he blocked himself off and refused to function. Soon the Brain became feverish, the Eyes crossed, the Arms hung limply at the sides and the Knees began to buckle. All the other parts pleaded with the Brain to relent and let the Arsehole be Boss.
And so it happened. The Arsehole just bossed and passed out a lot of shit.
The moral of the story is: You don't have to be a Brain to be Boss, just an Arsehole.
Well here we are again at the end. :-( But don't fret as the end is basically just the beginning. Let me explain...
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there from time to time, when I have time, when I aren't busy arguing with entitled retards online.
-Check out the archives. Comprised of so little suck and so much Orsm you will literally shit your pants if you go in too hard.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Second last for 2020202020202020!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will I'll tell people what you really do with your butthole when you think no one's looking...
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems. Rinse. Repeat. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2020.12.03-20.25
Welcome to everyone except those on a "sourdough journey"
I'm copping it like a little bitch lately. Apparently too tired or stressed or something that its breaking my body. Some of these things are fixable, some not. Like there's little I can do to stop being woken up so fucking early every day. For the past few days, Cunt Elf On A Shelf excitement has been responsible. Other days it's the insanely noisey local bird population. Also, we have new neighbours, a couple, and the guy is a fucking psycho. They recently had an argument. Nothing wrong with that - couples fight but IDIOTS, don't do it at 5am in the fucking morning, don't make it sound like someone's about to get murdered, don't do it while smashing down beers and don't do it with all the doors open so you wake the entire neighbourhood. Absolutely no one cares you work FIFO and have trust issues. Also, don't then spend the entire day doing drugs with your mates and partying late into the night, thus trashing your neighbours sleep at both ends. In an interesting development to this, he may actually have been somewhat justified because his GF does appear to be cheating now he's away for work again. Quite a large amount of suck shit.
Then at the weekend I was driving back from the shops. Its only a few minutes away and I was behind another car most of the way home. I should point out that the way the streets go is kind of convoluted; lots of stop signs and there's no direct route through the suburb literally so there's no direct route [traffic management]. And that car in front, some clapped out hatchback, starts driving erratically, swaying, oddly braking etc. Eyes glued to me in the mirror. The fucking tweaker thinks I'm following him. He flips on his indicator to turn left, I go wide around to continue straight and the druggo fuckhead swerves back out and tries to hit me. Imagine being so paranoid random dudes trigger you. Not that unlike crazy Karen when I was out riding a few weeks back. Okay I realise now this has nothing to do with my sleep but all the anger and anger, hostility and general out there behavious prob doesn't help anyone's stress.
This whole suburbia thing isn't working out for me lately. PEOPLE aren't working out for me lately. And we're heading into that festive time of the year where the crazy ramps up. Something to look forward to!
Alright folks time for the update to drop. We're in the home stretch to a much-needed Xmas break so the plan is to do the best fucking work I can do for the next coupla and round out the year with a monster-sized, not-to-be-missed Chrissy update. In the meantime, I hope this work of art will suffice. Check it...
If women do the same job as men for less money, why do companies hire men to do the same job for more money.
--
Little Johnny was entertaining little Sally behind the sheds at school. Sally went home that evening and told her mother everything. "Little Johnny showed me his pee-pee today!" she exclaimed. "It reminded me of a peanut" she said. "Was it small?" asked her mother jokingly. "No" replies Sally "It was salty!"
--
Just had some terrible news from the US. It seems my best mate was in Los Angeles and has suddenly died of natural causes. Or gunshot wounds as they're known over there.
--
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know? That's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said "Who was that?" The wife answered "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear".
--
If a man says a woman is ugly, he's being mean. If a woman says a woman is ugly, she's envious. If a little kid says she's ugly, she's ugly.
--
Donald J Trump is a man who can't win an election or get an erection and lies about both.
--
We've just come back from a holiday in Spain. My wife didn't really enjoy it, because everyone could speak English and all the food was like the stuff we eat back at home. She said "Next time, I want to go somewhere where they eat weird stuff that no self-respecting English person would ever touch and you can't understand a word they say". So, I've just booked us a fortnight in Scotland.
--
Erwin Schrödinger was driving along the road somewhat erratically when he was stopped by the police. Excuse me, sir" said one of the officers "but due to the way you have been driving we want to search your car". So he got out of the car and stood at the side of the road while they got on with it. After a couple of minutes one of the policemen came up to him and said "Do you know there's a dead cat in the boot of your car?" To which he replied "I do now!"
--
A Chinese woman walked into the currency exchange in New York with 200,000 Yuan and walked out with $29,100. The following week, she walked in with another 200,000 Yuan, and was handed $28,900. She asked the teller "Why I get less money this week than last week?" The teller replied "Fluctuations". The Chinese woman stormed out and, before she slammed the door, turned around and shouted "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"
--
When I heard Justin Bieber has Lyme disease, I almost felt sorry for the annoying, creepy little parasite. Can't say the same about Bieber though.
--
Three little old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher came by in only an overcoat and opened it as wide as it could go. The first little old lady had a stroke, the second little old lady also had a stroke, but the third little old lady couldn't reach.
A husband had just finished reading a new book titled "You Can Be THE Man in Your House". He stormed out to his wife in the kitchen and announced "From now on I'm running this show, and my word will be law. You'll prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating it, you'll serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner you're going upstairs with me, and we'll have any kind of sex that I choose! Afterwards, you're going to run me a relaxing bath. You'll wash my back, towel me dry, and bring me my robe. Then, you'll massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" The wife replied "The fucking undertaker would be my guess!"
--
A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses. "Madam" he said in a broken voice "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400". "How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?" The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord" he sobbed.
--
For some years the lawyer had been taking his holidays at the exclusive hide-away country hotel and carrying on an affair with the owner's daughter. However, on returning one year he discovered his mistress had given birth to twin boys. "Why on earth didn't you tell me?" said the astonished lawyer. "You know I would have married you and provided for the birth". She replied "That may be so. But when I told my parents I was pregnant, we talked over all the options and decided it was far better to have a couple of bastards in the family than a lawyer.
A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced "I have to take your temperature".
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry" the nurse stated "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer".
This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing...
After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answered "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" After a pause, the doctor confessed... "Not with a daffodil".
WHO WANTS TO GO CAMPING?? I PROMISE IT'LL BE MAGICAL...
A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers.
Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying *THUMP* and then swerve back onto the road.
[You're probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans but don't overthink it - it's a joke!]
One day, as the truck driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road" replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck".
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him.
But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud *THUD*.
Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer". "That's okay" replied the priest. "I got that fucker with the door!"
TITS OUT BECAUSE I FUCKING LOVE THIS SONG !!!!!!!!
Fred gets married and on his wedding night he calls his Father for some tips on what to do, since he has never been with a woman before.
"So what do I do first?" His father replied "Take her clothes off and lay her on the bed".
5 minutes later Fred's on the phone again.
"She's naked and in bed, what do I do now?" His father can't believe what he is hearing "Take your damn clothes off and get into bed with her".
After another 5 minutes poor Fred is on the phone again.
"Dad, I'm naked and in bed with her, what do I do now?" His dad's patience is now running thin so he says "Shit son! Do I have to spell everything out for you? Just put the hardest thing on your body where she pees. Goodnight!!"
Just when the old man starts snoring, his son is on the phone once again. "Okay Dad, I have my head in the toilet bowl what do I do next?"
A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realises the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.
A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "No" the woman replied. "I'm with the Tax Office".
EVERYONE LOOKS BEAUTIFUL WHEN THEY'RE SLEEPING... NAKED.
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A farmer named Seamus had a car accident. In court, the lorry company's big shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.
"Didn't you say, to the Policeman at the scene of the accident 'I'm fine'?" asked the solicitor. Seamus responded "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..".
"I didn't ask for any details" the solicitor interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Seamus said "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..". The solicitor interrupted again and said "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Policeman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question".
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie".
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move".
"However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes".
"Then he came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, And said, 'How are you feeling? Now what the fuck would you say?"
AND HERE'S 30 GIRLS PROVING ANY MORE THAN A HANDFUL IS A WASTE...
Jimmy walks into a bar in downtown New York City and orders three beers.
The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, back to the first one, then to the second etc until they're gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says "I know you like your beers cold, so why don't you start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low".
The man says "You don't understand. See, I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we're drinking together".
The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers.
Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two.
He drinks them in the same way and then orders two more.
The bartender says sadly "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother".
The man looks up and says "Oh, my brothers, no they're both fine - I just promised my wife I'd quit drinking, it's just they haven't".
On a bitterly cold winter morning an husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say "Today we're going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through".
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said "We're expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through".
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..".
And then the electricity went out.
The wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blonde's exhibit, the husband replied "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time".
The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them.
They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body to be measured however they chose.
The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000.
Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be measured from the tip of his finger to the tip of his other finger. It was 80 inches. He received $800,000.
The two generals were very happy with their earnings.
Finally, the Marine general came up. He said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his dick to the tip of his balls.
The man said "Sir, do you know how much the other generals received?" The general said no. "Sir, they received $690,000 and $800,000 respectively, are you sure that is what you want measured?" The general said "Just do it!"
The man dropped the general's pants and measured his dick.
When he went for the general's balls, they weren't there.
The man said "Sir, where are your balls...?" The general said "I left them back in Vietnam".
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"I think I have a problem, Doc" says a patient "One of my balls has turned blue".
The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes that the patient will die if he doesn't have his testicle removed.
"Are you crazy?!" bursts the patient. "How could I let you do such a thing to me!" "You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, at which point the patient has to agree to have his testicle removed.
Two weeks after the operation, the patient comes back. "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too". Again, the doctor tells him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off, too. Again, the man is very reluctant to the idea.
"Hey, you want to die?" asks the doctor, and the patient has to agree with the operation.
After two weeks of being testicle-less, the patient returns to the doctor and says "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue".
After briefly examining the patient, the doctor gives him the bad news - if he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, the patient does not want to hear about it.
"You want to die?" asks the doctor. "But... how do I pee?" "We'll install a plastic pipe, and there will be no problem".
So the patient has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the unfortunate man enters the doctor's office again.
He is very angry.
"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!" "What?" "Can you tell me what the hell is happening?"
The doctor examines the patient more carefully and says "Hmmm, I don't know. Could it be the jeans you're wearing?"
Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why.
The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations. The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late. He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one. Ever.
The next day, Johnny shows up two hours late.
Johnny says "I was two hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school. I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home. If I didn't clean it and freeze it, my mum would've been angry. That's why I'm so late".
The teacher promptly takes him to the principal's office and explains the story to the principal. The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day.
He says "I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me. I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me. He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs. He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear. The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me. What do you think of that, Johnny?"
Johnny replies "Oh yeah, that's my dog Skeet. That's his third bear this week".
MAYA BIJOU IS NOT THE HOTTEST GIRL YOU'VE EVER SEEN... BUT SHE'S PRETTY DAMN CLOSE.
Recently, while I was working on the flower beds in my front yard, my Green voting neighbours stopped for a chat as they returned from walking their dog.
During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up. She said she wanted to be Prime Minister someday.
Both her parents, were standing there, so I asked her "If you were Prime Minister, what would be the first thing you would do?"
She replied "I would give food and houses to all the homeless people". Her parents beamed with pride!
"Wow! What a worthy goal!" I said. "But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that".
"What do you mean?" she replied. So I told her "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds and trim the hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the local mall where that homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house".
She thought that over for a few seconds, then looked me straight in the eye and asked "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay HIM the $50 directly?"
I just smiled. Her parents and I don't speak much anymore.
Well well well... that is me D-O-N-E-DONE for this week. If you're reading this far down then I've almost achieved my goal... which is to get you to read this:
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. Or *can* do occasionally.
-Check out the archives. They're brimming... not to be confused with rimming of course.
-Next update will be next Thursday. THIRD LAST for 2020.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will I might havge something to say about that...!! 😡
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and speak nicely about people - you never know when the cunt is listening. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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