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| orsmupdate 2012.01.26-15.26 |
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Welcome to The People's Republic Of Orsm.
Kind of having an awesome week. GF out of town means I've been left to my own devices. Things that have changed include: no limitations on food spiciness [Blair's 2am in everything]; the toilet seat stays up; farts without consideration; no fucking Tupperware clogging up the fridge; no need to shave; absolutely no chance of watching/hearing the tennis; no harassment for smoking; can wear same clothes all week judgement free; far fewer dishes to clean; and most importantly - no joint decision making.
It's definitely summer. We're currently at day three of a forecast 14 thousand day heatwave. Nothing but 38-42°C [100-108°F] days and sticky nights. The media seems to be enjoying it more than most though - we're all idiots so stories about using sunscreen, staying hydrated and moderating alcohol are rife. It's also Australia Day today so the mad rush to get this update finished and perhaps escape outdoors to socialise in some capacity has been underway since early in the week.
Australia Day has been a hot topic around the country lately. No surprises there - it's a public holiday after all. We flock to beaches, have BBQ's, listen to the Hottest 100 Countdown and head for fireworks shows in the evening but most interesting was a study which concluded people who attach one or more Aussie flags to their cars are racist and the bigger the flag, the bigger the racist. Quite funny really. I have no doubt at least some of the flag bearers are racist but it's not a given unless the car has a 'fuck off we're full' sticker. The whole flag phenomenon seems to be borrowed from America. Up until a few years back we never really saw them although they're now commonplace this time of year. If anything it's bogan so the bigger the flag, the bigger the bogan.
Moving on to other relevant occurrences in my life. My one remaining unused Xmas present was tickets to an outdoor cinema. Now most people would think that being a present the recipient would get some say in what film they'd like to see but that wasn't the case. Instead I had to endure New Year's Eve and despite it being a perfect night to sit under the stars getting drained by mosquitos, the movie itself was a giant pile of gayness. Tip: avoid.
A very warm Saturday kicked off with a walk along the coast. From there it was home to start on something I've been putting off for a long, long time. My brother and I jointly own 'my' house and share a bank account. The problem is we have no idea who contributed what so I have six years of statements to go through. Making it harder, following the catastrophic data wipe-out last year, I don't have digital copies so 75 statements had to be scanned, OCR'd and cleaned up before I can even start. I cannot think of a more tedious way to spend a day. A welcome escape came mid-afternoon - caught up with a mate for a coffee, perv and cruise. Good shit.
Waking up Sunday the choices were swim or ride. A look out the window showed grey skies so a ride it was. Loaded the bikes, drove down to the coast and soon regretted the decision - the beaches were jam-packed and bikinis concentration metre was an all-time high. Still managed a decent cycle though - around 22 kilometres. From there it was home, shower and immediately back out the door for a BBQ with friends and some pool action followed up with some family commitments before finally heading homeward and calling it a day.
Alright let's get on with things shall we? I'm particularly happy with today's update and I have no doubt you guys will be too. I'm not even going to crap on about all the amazing shit you'll find below except to say... check it...
Strangely Compelling - Tramp Stamps - Yoga Pants Rule - Hottie Payload - Fishing Babes - Rimjob Fail - Teen Orgasm
Miley See Thru - Spiderman Porn - Unhygienic - Drug Rip Fail - Busty Ginger - Own Goal? - Nasty Skank - Oh Hai!
Surprise Anal - WTF Birth! - I Was Busting - Bikini Nip Slip - Monster IED - Glory Hole - Hotel 'Service' - U Swallow?
Just saw a bloke driving while eating ice cream. Fucking sundae drivers.
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I was out walking in the woods when I found a dead woman's body. I phoned the police who came straight out. They asked me how I found the woman's body. I said "Well her tits were okay but the rigor mortis made her arse a bit tight for my liking".
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Just won an innuendo contest. Had to beat off some stiff competition though!!
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A teenage girl comes home crying her eyes out. Her mother gives her a hug and asks what happened: "My boyfriend dumped me!" The mother strokes the girl's hair and starts rambling on about the birds and the bees. "Oh shut up, mum!" says the girl. "I suck and fuck like a world champion. All he said was that my cooking was shit."
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I told my girlfriend today that the male's G-spot is in the anus. Well, her anus anyway.
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A young woman had entered her dog in the dog show in the smooth-haired breed category. To give it an advantage, she went to the chemist for some hair remover. The chemist gave her the product requested and advised "Just remember to keep your arms up for at least five minutes". "Errr... it's not for my armpits" she flustered, embarrassed "It's for my Chihuahua". "Oh well, in that case" said the chemist "don't ride a bike for twenty minutes".
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For sale: Entire Twilight DVD box-set. Free to a good homo.
ORSM
VIDEO
SIMPLE TIPS FOR A HAPPY LIFE III
Click here for Part I & and here for Part II.
-Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.
-Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.
-Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.
-Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you can't and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.
-X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
-Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzenegger by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
-Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
-Bomb disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
-Housewives. The best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
-A teaspoon placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.
-Save petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
-Avoid being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.
-Pensioners. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopaedias next time you go for a drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of the front window.
-Old contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.
-Make shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.
-No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
-Expensive hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.
-Apply red nail varnish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting varnish should be selected).
-Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
-Women. When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you cause an accident.
-Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
-International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.
-King-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars, for giants. Normal-sized Mars bars make ideal king-sized Mars bars for dwarfs, as well as fun-sized ones for giants. Fun-sized Mars Bars make ideal normal sized Mars Bars for midgets.
| FINGER BANGING AMELIE |
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BRITAINS NAVY STEPS INTO THE MODERN WORLD
The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.
Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws. The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day and each ship will have its on-board industrial tribunal.
The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37 hours per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime! All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.
Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the wardroom and messes. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "Rum, sodomy and the lash" so out has gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by sparkling water. Although sodomy remains, it has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only on request. Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of flavours, except Capstan Full Strength.
Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist and is to be replaced by the more informal "Hello Sailor". All information on notices boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches - this applies equally to women crew members. The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The Union Flag had already been discarded.
The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the water as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to ports on England's south coast.
The Prime Minister said "While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they are also capable of being upgraded to comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels". His final words were "Britannia waives the rules".
ORSM
VIDEO
THE COSTA CONCORDIA
-I was watching the news about the stricken cruise ship when the Sky News presenter said "She's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court". I just happened to glance over at the wife on the sofa and that's when the fight started.
-The current plight of the Costa Concordia reminds me of a comment made by Churchill. After his retirement he was cruising the Mediterranean on an Italian cruise liner and some Italian journalists asked why an ex British Prime Minister should choose an Italian ship. "There are three things I like about being on an Italian cruise ship" said Churchill. "First their cuisine is unsurpassed. Second their service is superb. And then, in time of emergency, there is none of this nonsense about women and children first".
-The Italian army has been called in to help with the people from the grounded cruise ship but they have now swapped sides and declared war on the survivors.
-Wife: "Can I drive?" Husband: "No, I'm fine". Wife: "Oh please let me, I really want to". Husband: "NO!" Wife: "Tell you what, if you let me drive just for a bit, when we get home I'll give you a blowjob". Husband: "Really??" Wife: "Promise!" Husband: "Oh, go on then". "...and that, your Honour, is the final entry from the black box on the cruise ship Costa Concordia"
-What's the difference between and Italian Cruise Liner and a Goat? The crew will go down on a goat.
-When the captain of the ill-fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going, he replied "off course".
-Costa Concordia - the only cruise liner where the sauna is cold but the pool is at 90 degrees.
-The captain of the Costa Concordia says he is not guilty of manslaughter and has witnesses to prove he was nowhere near the passengers who died.
-The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker.
-News reports say the stricken Costa Concordia first listed to the left, then to the right. Bloody Italians... even their ships don't know which side to be on.
-Italian Police are still interviewing the Chinese Honeymoon couple found on the Costa Concordia as to the whereabouts of the rescue dog that first found them.
-Italian divers searching the stricken cruise ship have found two Scotsmen at the bar. They've told the divers to piss off, as all drinks are included in the fare.
-Costa Concordia - where you are guaranteed to get your drink on the rocks.
-Now I know it's nearly the 100th anniversary of Titanic and all that, but aren't the Italians going a bit far with their tribute?
-Attention passengers, this is your captain. We of Carnival Cruise Lines Costa Concordia welcome you to Italy. If you look out the port side now you'll see the beautiful Tuscan sky, and to our starboard, you'll see the old Italian navy.
-So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock... more than can be said for his ship.
-Man phones the model shop and asks have you got a model of the Costa Concordia. "Yes sir, we have one left". That's very good. can you put it on one side for me please?"
| COLOSSAL CLEAVAGE |
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A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs. The sign says: 'SEX FROGS' Only $20 each! Come with 'complete' instructions.
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter "I'll TAKE one!" As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her "Just follow the instructions!" The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully and does EXACTLY what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise. NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says 'If you have any problems or questions... please call the pet store. So, she does. The man says "I'll be right over".
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!" The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and STERNLY says: 'LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE MORE TIME...'
| DIVING PALAU |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: idiot
omg... to bad that darwin's law did not work in this case ! fucking electrical windows, it should already have exploded when he started the engine... if there is gas leaking out anywhere...do not touch anything electrical and be very very careful even when using mechanical things... windows, doors, etc. no common fucking sense will kill humanity - because it fucking deserves it :D |
Jd wrote:
Subject: Go Ahead
Go ahead - Nobody's looking....................... South of France ! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Part 2 H cups tits
Gday orsm, you posted a pic i sent in last week of chick i was banging with H cup norks. Here is more then one pic this time as you requested ;) Cheers With hold details PS: yes they are as fun as they look
Incredible. God bless her. -Orsm |
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Edward wrote:
Subject: ad
Try this. Brothel Buster
Seriously thinking about applying. -Orsm |
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Mikey wrote:
Subject: Great start to a new year?
Hey, mate! Just returned from a vacation in Sarasota, Florida, where I spotted this sign in front of a car wash. Either these guys have a wicked sense of humor or they're dense as rocks. |
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Bill wrote:
Subject: Surprise!
Another one of those OH SHIT! moments.
Come on - how many of you guys would just 'go with it'...? -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emirates golden vag
Orsm, I've been with you since the beginning my man, struggling thru tafe with the boys and my epic HG. Anyway, check out this fucking newsletter from Emirates! I was looking and reading and feeling aroused and then BAM! I could see why. Pretty fucking close to perfect? Hide the deets my man please.
That's how I imagine all the Emirates hosties vagina's look. -Orsm |
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Austin wrote:
Subject: WHAT PILOTS SEE WHEN LANDING AT OFFUTT AIR FORCE BASE.
A farmer does this with his tractor. He uses GPS to get the letters readable. He has done this every fall for several years now. Here's the view from the flight pattern into OFFUTT AIR FORCE BASE Bellevue, NE., just south of Omaha. This is what our servicemen see when landing at Offutt AFB. Hat tip to the Bellevue farmer who made it happen! |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: For your pleasure
I spotted this while out Christmas shopping. And yeah, when no-one was looking, I did have a little try.
Please withhold my details in case the manager at Kmart hunts me down for messing with his toys. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Sunburn
Thought this might be worthy of RS - mates sunburn from summer! Ouch! Please withhold details if used. Cheers mate!
Yeah that's going to hurt. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: ex pics
The ex, she owes me $, so fuck her. Hide my details |
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xitz wrote:
Subject: CONCORDIA...
She was fitted out a bit garish, but that's the Italian way, but that little unknown rock sure ripped a hole in her.
Half a billion dollars worth of scrap. -Orsm |
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Jd wrote:
Subject: FLOODING IN KRUGER PARK
Flooding causes chaos at Kruger Park 2012-01-18 13:31.Roads and camps have been closed and some lodge guests are being evacuated by helicopter after heavy rainfall caused flooding in the Kruger National Park, SANParks says. Kruger National Park is flooding. Mpumalanga warned of heavy rains. SA can expect 'strange weather' |
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P G wrote:
Subject: Go Daddy Superbowl 2012 Ad
When you watch this ad, your going to want to know who the nude model is. Her name is Natalia Velez from Columbia. Enjoy....
Pretty sure he means this. -Orsm |
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Austin wrote:
Subject: Alaska Oil
My daughter and son-in-law were in L.A. last week from their home in Anchorage. He is a foreman in the oil fields at ANWR. He has to fly his own plane to get to the job where he spends months at a time in the most God forsaken place this side of Siberia. He confirmed everything that is in this story, and brought dozens of pictures for proof. |
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Kel wrote:
Subject: "BREAKING NEWS" for today
True or not true? Will it be the next big thing? Tata Motors of India thinks so. What will the Oil Companies do to stop it? It is an auto engine that runs on air. That's right; air not gas or diesel or electric but just the air around us. Take a look. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Girllie
Girl who sent me some Pics. Shes about 20, worked with her for a few days, sent me these. Total Slut. Protect my info Mr. Orsm. Love your site! been here for 5 years.
We love sluts. -Orsm |
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Maycol wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Los Angeles car crash aftermath
A good panel beater will be able to buff that right out. -Orsm |
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Bill wrote:
Subject: Cemetery in Mexico
Wonder if this would work at border crossings?? A guy rigged a remote controlled motorbike with a skeleton driving the bike that has a speaker attached to it. The guy hides across the street from a walled cemetery and when people walk by it at night, the skeleton rides up quietly on his motor bike and scares the bejeebers out of them. He has the perfect voice for this. The guy across the street is talking thru the speaker while operating the remote control for the bike. (It has training wheels on it). |
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Brett wrote:
Subject: The Clap
Hi Mr Orsm, I thought you may get a laugh out of this. [Youtube link here] |
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xitz wrote:
Subject: Far better than a speed camera
This is beautiful, I mean like let's just cut the shit and get serious...
Looks quite effective. Now if we can get something similar for fucktards who hog the centre lane... -Orsm |
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Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!
ORSM VIDEO
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll also have great stamina with the ladies".
So, on the way home, 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady behind the counter asked if he needed any help.
He said "Do you have any rye bread?" She said "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said "I want 5 loaves". She said "My goodness, five loaves... by the time you get to the third loaf, it'll be hard". He replied "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me".
| FLAWLESS: JAMIE HAMMER |
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A public servant, on his way home from work in Canberra traffic came to a dead halt and thought to himself 'this is unusual'.
He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked "Officer, what's the hold-up?" The officer replied "The Prime Minister is depressed, so she stopped her motorcade and is threatening to douse herself with petrol and set herself on fire. She says no one believes her stories about why we have to have a carbon tax or why she is continuing the war in the middle east, or why illegal immigrants are good for the country and are basically 'cost free'... so we're taking up a collection for her".
The public servant asks "How much have you got so far?" The officer replies "About 200 litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning".
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Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't...!?" she exclaimed. "Yes, I did". He replied.
"My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired". "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh... she got fired too".
| SAMANTHA COULDN'T WAIT FOR ME TO GET HOME |
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A woman and her ten year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings. "Mum" said the boy "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money". The little boy's eyes get wide and he says "Is that true mum?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes the kid asks "Mum what happens to the babies those women have?" "Most of them become taxi drivers" she says.
ORSM
VIDEO
And that boys and girls is how you do an update... at least thats's what I tell people. For other things I like to tell people please read on...
- Check out the site archives. It's un-Australian not to.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Feb already - seriously?
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray, the God of Hellfire, will bring you... fire.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and happy Australia Day. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2012.01.19-21.18 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Ready yet? How about now?
I don't know how to start this bloggy bit today so I'll just start typing and see what comes out. Writing a 1000 or so words each week is challenging even when there's been lots going on. Alternatively when there's been fuck all happening or lots happening that I can't blog because it would violate the privacy of friends or fam or me, my Thursday afternoon gets all the more harder. Today is a combo of all of the above.
Moving on... I feel a bit like I'm ingesting less and less of the world around me lately but some things are inescapable. Some things stick out as being more annoying, or lame or gay or whatever and my list at the moment looks something like this:
1) The anti-whaling protesters who boarded the Shōnan Maru 2. Not because I want Japan to slaughter more delicious whales, but because one of the protesters went from sitting in a tree on a suburban street one day to defending whale rights the next. Is it really about trees and whales or just about pissing people off and employment avoidance? The taxpayer cost to recover these clowns was hundreds of thousands, none of which these guys have to bear and considering they didn't achieve a single thing, the whole escapade was fail.
2) Songs that repeat a celebrities name over and over. 'Moves Like Jagger' and 'Barbara Streisand' spring to mind and there's another one which has something to do with James Brown. Fucked if I know what it's called - try Googling James Brown... no chance. Regardless - how stupid are we to lap this crap up?
3) SOPA and PIPA are well and truly in the headlines after some of the words biggest websites went dark in protest. If passed, the scope for abuse is massive and worrying. Combine that with the proposed Aussie internet filter and it's safe to say we'll all be pretty much fucked someway, somehow.
Let's move on to everything else. Perhaps a wrap of events beginning with... Friday kicked off with a 25km cycle through the burbs and the first test walk since having the pooch completely shaved. I've long resisted taking the plunge figuring a long haired German Shepherd without long hair would look ridiculous but it's been hot and she's struggled so let's see what happens. And with that we peeled almost ten minutes off the morning walk. The rest of the day was spent food gathering and being productive in front of the computer. The evening was relaxed - grabbed the picnic blanket and hung out in parkland overlooking the city then smashed dinner at a place I've always wanted to try based on its awful reputation. Thankfully it lived up to the expected disappointment and the risk of having your food compromised or becoming the target of a passing drunken idiot really added to the ambience.
The following morning began again with exercise and a sweaty two hour car washing extravaganza. Next on the agenda was house hunting. The search has been focused on two or three adjoining suburbs and there are dozens and dozens of places on the market. Weeding through the crap is tedious - first you have to time the home opens so you can see everything, find the place, spend five walking around inspecting, another ten being interrogated by a pushy agent and so on and so forth. That swallowed half the afternoon so with some free time it was again back to the MF'ing PC to put in a few hours. It was still warm around 6pm so we headed for the beach. Some rare decent sized waves [plus getting dumped a few times] provided distraction from the loose toe nail I'd drilled a while back being ripped from my toe. Didn't feel a thing.
Wide awake Sunday started at 5am for no apparent reason and not wanting to waste it I managed to squeeze in three hours working before heading for the dog beach. Was hotter that day and didn't make it down there until after almost every other dog in the whole metro area had arrived. This of course meant bikinis aplenty but for every perfect specimen there were 10 fatties and another 5 with awful tattoos. Home late morning to bake some shit before heading out to meet friends for lunch at a café which just happens to be right near home that we discovered a few weeks back. It's cheap and delicious and I'm plagued by its addictiveness. Remember when Tony and Carmella found that sushi restaurant? Same deal.
Almost predictably the subsequent few hours were whittled away back at the PC. My goal to kick it up a notch is well underway and if all goes as planned I can free up enough time in coming months to focus on improving stuff around the site that needs improving. Afterwards, the fam over for dinner and that was the weekend.
Alright this went surprisingly long for someone who had very little to say so without any more dillydallying, rhetoric or social commentary let's do this. Check it...
Mr Vengeance - Archery Girls - Selfshot Babes - Incredible Bod - Cutest Ginger - Rock Bottom - Tight Pussies
Tits In Hats - Frenzied Attack - Kickboxer - Club Fuckers - Wifey BJ - Prolapsed Dykes - Slaaaap!! - Pissy Pants
Gianna Crazy - Rihanna Wow - Banging Moana - So F'ing Owned - Creepy Couple - Messed Up - Crack Whore
Linda, a blonde, and Jill were chatting over coffee. Said Linda "I've been experiencing a strange and painful side effect from coffee. I'm fine when I drink it black, but if I use cream or sugar or both I get a stabbing pain in one eye". Linda took a sip of her coffee. "Owwwww!" she cried. "There it goes again!" Jill says "take the spoon out of your cup".
--
A recent study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that the average Australian drinks 22 gallons of beer a year. That means the average Australian gets about 41 miles per gallon. Bloody good value that!
--
I just got off the phone with friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
--
Both my next door neighbours have been arrested as part of the Australia-wide raids against online paedophiles. Fuck knows where I'm going to get my free Wi-Fi now!
--
I walked into the porn shop this morning I said "Three of your filthiest porn mags please, mate". He said "Have you got anything in mind?" I said "Yes, I'm going to have a wank".
--
So to pass the summer nights away I have started building a time machine in the shed, all being well it will be finished by last Thursday.
ORSM
VIDEO
FAMOUS OPINIONS
"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances". --Dr. Lee DeForest, Father of Radio and Grandfather of Television
"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives". --Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project
"There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom". --Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons". --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers". --Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 [Oddly enough it was IBM that also saw little use for what became the Xerox copy machine many decades later and refused to fund its development]
"I have travelled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year". --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what is it good for?" --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip
"640K ought to be enough for anybody". --Bill Gates, 1981
This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us". --Western Union internal memo, 1876
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C' the idea must be feasible". --A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. [Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp]
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper". -- Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in Gone With The Wind
"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make". --Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs Fields' Cookies
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out". --Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible". --Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895
"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this". --Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3M Post-It Notepads
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy". --Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau". --Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University , 1929
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value". --Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre, France
"Everything that can be invented has been invented". --Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899
"The super computer is technologically impossible. It would take all of the water that flows over Niagara Falls to cool the heat generated by the number of vacuum tubes required". -- Professor of Electrical Engineering, New York University
"I don't know what use any one could find for a machine that would make copies of documents. It certainly couldn't be a feasible business by itself". --The head of IBM, refusing to back the idea, forcing the inventor to found Xerox
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction". --Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon". --Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria, 1873
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home". --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp, 1977
| MIA: LIL MISS SWEET LOVES THE MEAT |
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One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks". He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly snipe at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The GP's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said "Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose! Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant! God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door. The silence was deafening.
ORSM
VIDEO
TEN SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER
RULE ONE: If you pull into my driveway and honk, you better be delivering a package because you're sure not picking anything up.
RULE TWO: Do not touch my daughter in my presence. You may glare at her adoringly, so long as you do not peer at anything below the neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter I will remove them.
RULE THREE: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off of your hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are idiots. If you show up at my home with your pants falling down I will be forced to ensure that they do not come off during the course of your date with my daughter by taking my electric staple gun and fastening the pants directly to your waist.
RULE FOUR: I'm sure you've been told that sex in today's world without a "barrier device" can kill you. Let me elaborate: I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
RULE FIVE: Current thinking is that in order for you and me to get to know each other, we should talk politics, sports, and other issues. Do not do this. Your ignorance and stupidity will only serve to anger me. The only information I require of you is when you will have my daughter home. To this end, you only need two words: "early" and "sir".
RULE SIX: I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow, with opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it's okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you've gone out with my little girl you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry harder.
RULE SEVEN: As you stand in my hallway waiting for my daughter to appear, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time you should not be dating my daughter. She is doing her hair, putting on make-up, or whatever; a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, do something useful, like change the oil in my car.
RULE EIGHT: The following places are not appropriate places to take my daughter: places with beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool - places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight - places that are dark or poorly lit - places where there is dancing, holding hands, or excessive happiness - places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat - movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme. Hockey games are okay, old folks homes are better, a convent is best.
RULE NINE: Do not ever lie to me. I may appear to be a middle-aged, dim-witted has-been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
RULE TEN: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming over a rice paddy. When my PTSD starts kicking in, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into driveway, you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Note the camouflaged face in the window is mine. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car
| SEX ON THE BEACH |
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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home".
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home".
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds it will cost 99 cents a word". Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realises that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says "I want you to send her the word 'comfortable'".
The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains "My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul".
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READER MAIL
If you would like to have
your say, share dirty pics of your ex, send in a crazy video, a
hilarious joke or pretty much anything else you can attach to an email then both myself and the rest of the world would love to see it!
All you must do is click here and make
the magic happen!
Hiro wrote:
Subject: Yomi Kim Hunter, Prettiest Man?
The moment I saw those pictures I had to Google him/her. Well after a little investigating I was pretty sure that its fake. A little more digging using a Tineye search reveals that those pictures are actually of a Chinese actress by the name Fan Bingbing. You can Google her and find multiple images from the Yomi Kim piece. No weiner under that dress. Love the site by the way! |
<with held>
wrote:
Subject: Happy Holidays!
Hey Stranger =) Hope you are having a great holiday season!Here's to a great 2012! All the best to you and your family in the coming year,Johnee p.s. Please take 5 seconds and help me in this Best Bassist in Minnesota category.
I don't usually post these emails but Johnee is a long time Orsm supporter and deserves some love. -Orsm |
Purple wrote:
Subject: Kerbisde clean up of a different sort
Hiya brother, I drove passed it, did a u-ey then drove slowly passed it again & took the pic. Cupla mattresses free to a good home on the nature strip. Barely bled on by the looks of it! Gold. Cheers. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Big juggs
Hey Orsm and it's readers, take a look at the cohungers on this bird I been banging for a while. Size 12 with H Cup size tits. Sucking and fucking them are quite a delight. Withhold name. Ps: enjoy
They are some big tits but dude - just one pic?? -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Paparazzi
Please hold my details & identity. REGARDS
... is that a toilet paper tampon? -Orsm |
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Tom wrote:
Subject: One more funny
This pic desperately needed captioning. |
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jason wrote:
Subject: Stansted airport
Saw this in a transfer bus at Stansted airport London.
Hope you can use this. Keep up the good work, first class site. |
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Guts!
A Cowboy has no fear! |
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Sandy wrote:
Subject: Turkey
Saw this on a visit to Turkey last Year....
Available chocolate coated or dusted in icing sugar. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pussy pic
G'day ORSM. A photo of the missus' pussy while asleep - she has no idea so PLEASE hide my details etc. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pics
Hey mate ' Long time reader first time contributor. These are some pics of my ex gf that i found she had sent to another guy when she left her hotmail logged in since broken up with the slut so thought I would share enjoy :) (hide details please) |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Acetylene in the back of a Toyota
Apparently this happened in Regina Tuesday morning (29 November 2011) I guess. Here is what the owner said: So my time almost came to an end this morning... I'm very lucky to be alive. I had an acetylene bottle in my truck, the valve was bumped so slightly and over night the truck filled with the gas. I noticed the smell, and opened the doors to air out the truck. I drove the truck out of the garage to get some more air movement. I went to roll the pass side window down and as soon as I touched the power windows. BAM - with me in the truck. I lost all hearing out of my right ear and got a scratch on the back of my head. All things considering, I'm alive. Pictures tell 1000 words. |
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delusional-king wrote:
Subject: Readers Mail or Random Shit
Mr Orsm, I've included a few pics of some friends that i hope you find funny and I've also added some captions to some of your older pics. I'd love to see the wiggers, Riding scooters & pugs is gay, as pugs is one of my friends who thought this pic was deleated lol and it's not. Timma is my nephew and it took me over half an hour to get him on the scooter to start with. Thanx |
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Adrian wrote:
Subject: World's Oldest Running Car Fetches $4.62M
This is the oldest motor vehicle car in the world that still runs. It was built one year before Karl Benz and Gottlieb Daimler invented the internal combustion engine. The world's oldest running motor vehicle has been sold at auction for an astonishing $4.62 million (R36.5-million), more than double the pre-sale estimate, as two bidders chased the price up in a three-minute bidding war. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pipe Accident - Karratha Oilfield Marine Base
This happened last Friday afternoon across at Gearhart's. (King bay) This 9.5/8" casing had just left Gearhart's yard following inspection/re-coating for storage by Apache, the truck wasn't travelling fast by any means but had to stand on his brakes and give way at the intersection and the pictures tell the rest. Driver luckily was only bruised and in a bit of shock.......... he won his lotto in this life. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: please keep anonymous
I did some data recovery for people a few years ago and found these, pics of the guys wife. Worthy of a post? I thinks so. Love your site. |
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frank wrote:
Subject: Strange sounds in Conklin, Alberta Jan. 12/2012
Just thought you would like this to be put in your web page creepy shit!! Live on ORSM you rock! oh yeah this is in Conklin, Alberta, Canada
The last time I heard that noise was when my friend Ray realised McDonalds was closed. -Orsm |
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Steve wrote:
Subject: Alcohol induced "Bobbleheading"
Orsm, Cheers again from the States. I got a kick out of this drunk EEE-Diot in the Long Island Railway station in New York, USA. I just had to film it, although we all have probably been this drunk at one time or another... Steve in America. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Trick Riding Clown
Please hide my details & good on you Mr. ORSM I love your stuff mate. |
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Supaduck wrote:
Subject: Xmas Shoppping Moari style
i'm not so sure that these hard cases are actually Maoris however they might be ..look and qwak more like Sambos of some nationality i thought as we got a real assortment over here nowadays compliments of David Langie a former (Labour) Leader whos now 6 feet under |
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Brett wrote:
Subject: Special effects compilation
Hello again Mr Orsm, Not sure if you are interested but I thought I'd send you a compilation of effects I've done over the last year. Cheers. [Youtube link here] |
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Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!
ORSM VIDEO
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says "Did you call for me?"
The man replies "No, what do you mean?"
She says "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me". Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new" says the hairy man "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me". The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee".
"But, sir" she replies "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities". The man replies "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!"
| CARLI BANKS HAS A SPECTACULAR BODY AND VAGINA |
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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Dopey leads the pack.
"Dopey, my son" says the Pope "What can I do for you?" Dopey asks "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome".
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and glares, silencing them.
Dopey turns back "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe".
This time all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back and says "Mr Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" The Pope, really confused by the questions says "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world".
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting... "Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!"
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A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools. Your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally we'd hire you without a second thought however a sales representative has a highly visible position and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry... we can't hire you".
"But wait" the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms - red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms. Finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills and stops winking.
"Well" said the interviewer "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanising all over the country!" "Womanising? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh that..." he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
| FOR THOSE IN TO THE OLDER ONES... |
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A woman asks her husband at breakfast time "Would you like some bacon and eggs, toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?" He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra" he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite".
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra" he says "It's really spoiled my need for food".
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "No" he says "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry". "Well" she says "Would you mind getting off me? Cos I'm fucking starving".
ORSM
VIDEO
And that's the end of the update. I sincerely hope the tens of thousands of hours spent compiling it has brought you enjoyment greater than or at least equal it did me. Now for some important messages...
- Check out the site archives. They're not going anywhere but with SOPA looming you never know.
- Next update will be next Thursday or as I like to call it: Thursday.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will re-add you to his MSN buddies and start annoying the fuck out of you again.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and happy bidding. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2012.01.12-20.04 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. You're my boy, Blue.
The best part of a week or two off is of course the week or two off. The bad part is all the stuff that piles up. This is the downfall of being a one man band - no one else to pick up the slack while you're busy doing absolutely anything else so the last week has felt like one very, very long day whilst trying to catch up. That said, it's exactly how I intended to start the year... work like a bastard. I gave up setting New Year resolutions because they're usually forgotten long before implementation so instead I'm just 'aiming' travel more. To do this I have to start planning now and that in a roundabout way is what dropping a bomb and spending as much time as possible in front of the computer over the next few months is all about.
I've developed an infatuation with everything Asian therefore any country that specialises in people with yellow skin and oddly shaped eyes is particularly high on the list. The year ahead however is already looking packed and the opportunity to GTFO of here won't present itself until October so after much whinging and moaning the ingenious idea to hit Bali for a long weekend was touted. The whole Bali thing is something which usually shits me off - I just don't get it. Aussies flock there in droves, so many that it may as well be another state but after hitting Jakarta last year, I'm gagging to get on a plane again. So we booked a long weekend there in March. Two days later the news was full of stories about the dangers of travelling to Bali including STD's, gastro, Dengue fever, malaria, rabies and Legionnaires' disease to name a few. Add in the recent horror stories: people catching aids whilst getting tattoos done, a girl who was burnt inside out after drinking 'jungle juice' cocktails, a bar fight knifing and a teen who was electrocuted walking down the street. Obviously these things will never happen to me so I can't wait...!
Alright moving on to everything else that's made up my life lately, beginning with Friday. After a hectic morning running around town doing ten thousand errands it was off to a friends' wedding. I like Friday weddings. You can get really drunk and spend the next two days recovering. The ceremony was one of the nicer ones I've been to - garden ceremony deal followed by reception in a fancy restaurant overlooking the city. Pretty much perfect.
A sleep in was required the next morning followed by a travel agent visit to book the aforementioned jaunt and home to work the rest of the day. That night, Spicks and Specks. Spicks and Specks was an Australian comedy music trivia TV show which was taken on the road after the series ended last year. I scored a ticket to for Christmas but having never seen it, had no idea what to expect. Thankfully not such a bad way to spend an evening.
Sunday was busy as fuck. Kicked off the morning with a short walk along the coast... short because the dog has decided she doesn't want to go far anymore. [I've since decided this is unacceptable and had her shaved today]. Straight home for a shower afterward and back out the door for a dim sum feast with family, quickly home, a grandmother visit, home again, friends place to wish happy birthday and then some home opens to research. I've been saying forever that my days in this place were numbered and the plan was to start looking a bit more seriously around now. Sure enough the very first one was the dream house in the perfect location, within budget and... we're not ready to do this yet. Apparently a cash offer from someone else was imminent and having to sell my current POS first meant there was no chance of being considered. Shame.
Spent what was left of the afternoon dragging junk surplus to our needs post cohabitation out to the verge for a rubbish collection. Funny how you get attached to the most stuff - maybe it was just the hoarder within but was almost sad to see my pine desk which I've had since primary school [and dearly hated] go. Glad to have less clutter though. Friends over for dinner that night, some chit chat, a movie and that was my weekend.
Okay that about does it with the blog. Most of you guys were smart enough to scroll past this and get to the good stuff which there's fucking shit loads of today... for everyone else - sucked in. check it...
Shadowess - Fit Chicks - Drunk Babes - Beautiful Wedgies - Faking Orgasms - Lacey Banghard - Wild Camgirl
Loose Caboose - Oily Fuck - Impressive Or Gay? - Explain WTF - Insane Orgasm - How The...!? - Sick Slut
Horse Fucker - Side Boobage - Awesomeness - Penetration - Superb - Parenting Fail - Caught Cheating - Gay Brawl
When I was a child my dad tried to force feed me... after many months my mother finally convinced my dad that he wasn't a Jedi.
--
An Aboriginal woman was admitted into the hospital for a pregnancy termination. Two weeks later she received a cheque for $5,000. She phoned the hospital to ask who it was from. The hospital said "Crime Stoppers".
--
It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London. A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets. The Scotsman picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland" he says "Discus" and in he walks. The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. "Waddington-Smythe, England" he says "Pole vault" and in he walks. The Irishman looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland" he says "Fencing".
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A young Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest "I'm pregnant". He asked "How did this happen, my child?" She said "I think it must be the second coming". The priest, shocked by this reply asked "What makes you think this has anything to do with the Second Coming?" She replied "Because I swallowed the first one..."
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A man donates blood to his wife after she is badly injured in a car crash. A few years later they go through a bitter divorce and he demands his blood back, so she throws a tampon at him and says, "There you go you cunt, I'll pay you in monthly instalments". Moral of the story- A woman will eventually pay up what she owes, but there is always a string attached!
ORSM
VIDEO
NEW WORDS AND PHRASES FOR 2012
BROFESSIONAL: Your perpetually single friend who is always available for a night of debauchery with otherwise married, stay-at-home types.
TESTICULATING: Waving your arms around while talking bollocks.
CARNIVOYEUR: A vegetarian (or vegan) who digs watching others chomp on cooked flesh.
SINBAD: Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.
FREDDY COUGAR: A scary, middle-aged (or older) woman who mistakenly thinks she's more desirable than she actually is.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
FREEBOOBING: The act of wearing a tight blouse sans bra. Think of it as the female equivalent of a man's freeballing.
INEPTOCRACY: A government or state ruled by people who are incompetent.
MILLENNIUM DOMES: The contents of a Wonderbra. IE. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nothing in there worth seeing.
KARDASHIANED: Coined following the 72 day marriage of Kim Kardashian to Kris Humphries, it means the act of being blindsided following an ill-advised wedding.
JOHNNY-NO-STARS: A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
RECYCLEOPATH: Person who is militant when it comes to recycling and goes apeshit when you accidentally forget to separate one lousy plastic water bottle from a bag of trash.
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
TEBOWING: Idiotic move of getting down on one knee in order to 'speak' to some imaginary 'friend'. Primarily used by egotistical athletes who think deities give a crap about some pass or play.
SWAMP DONKEY: A deeply unattractive person.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
HUMBLEBRAG: An ostensibly humble comment that also demonstrates the person's wealth, fame, or importance.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake).
SITCOM'S: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a 'home business'.
BRIGHTSIZING: Corporate downsizing in which the brightest workers are let go.
AEROPLANE BLONDE: One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the 'adminisphere' are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.
GOING FOR A McSHIT: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the world wide web error message "404 Not Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.
OH-NO SECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just Made a BIG mistake.
GREYHOUND: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
MONKEY BATH: A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".
MYSTERY BUS: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
MYSTERY TAXI: The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
BEER COAT: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am.
BEER COMPASS: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.
TART FUEL: Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
PICASSO BUM: A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.
| GOING IN FOR SOME LANA... |
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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food" the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass". "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there under that tree". "Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also". The second man, in a pitiful voice then said "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!" "Bring them all as well" the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said "Sir, you are too kind.
Thank you for taking all of us with you". The lawyer replied "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high!"
ORSM
VIDEO
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and upon graduation, became priests.
Their careers had come to amaze the world but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a wee cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!
Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was just a bit better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked "Why Timothy?" After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called POPE SECOLA.
| ANYMORE THAN A HANDFUL IS A WASTE...? |
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Two blondes were playing golf on a foggy par three - they could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball into the fog. When they arrived at the green they discovered one ball about three feet from the cup, while the other had somehow gone directly into the hole. "It's in the hole!" they both shouted in unison.
They tried to determine which ball belonged to which player, but since they were both using Titleist number threes, mystery prevailed. Unable to make a determination, they called to the nearby Club House to request that the golf pro come to make a ruling.
After hearing their story, and congratulating them both on their superb shots under adverse conditions, the golf pro asked "Okay so which one of you was playing the yellow ball?"
| AWESOME SNOWMEN |
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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!
READER MAIL
Three weeks of submissions has provided for a killer Reader Mail and I'll punch anyone who says otherwise right in the face.
If you would like to have
your say, share dirty pics of your ex, send in a crazy video, a
hilarious joke or pretty much anything else you can attach to an email
then both myself and the rest of the world would love to see it!
All you must do is click here and make
the magic happen!
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Knife to the face
Finally found something worthy of submitting. This is my Cousins face after being stabbed. She ain't that tough after all. Please withhold my details. Absolutely love your site as always.
A second mouth... that could come in quite handy! -Orsm |
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steven wrote:
Subject: Nice plums
This article is from the missus's chick mag, see anything which shouldn't be on view
Took me a while. -Orsm |
xitz wrote:
Subject: le Fan
Too good not to forward, I think his name is Bob ?? (seeing as I have 6 Bob's on my mailing list)
Gotta love Zach Braff. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pass
Think I'll pass on making a bid for this one. If you do post no details pls.. Cheers
Item condition: New but some penile contact. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Facebook
Scrolling through my news feed and came across this. She is a friend of a friend. Hope you enjoy, looks like others already are lol. Cheers! Feel free to hit her up her FB is: Naisha SwaggaRite Shawtyy (Nicole Freemoneyg Stokes)
It was in her newsfeed [now removed] but don't think its the same chick. Also, WTF is with her name? -Orsm |
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Justin wrote:
Subject: Ex girlfriend pic
Here is a pic sent to me by my 25 year old ex girlfriend as a Christmas present. Worthy of posting?? Cheers from Vancouver Island, British Columbia, Canada |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Just a little dusty...
Dear Orsm, Merry Xmas and Happy New Year and all that shit, long time fan and second time poster. A friend of mine called me up and asked me to look at his computer because it was running hot and making weird noises. This is what I found after he dropped it off. please hide my details, thanks. |
Bill wrote:
Subject: Let's go Bowllllin'
A bowling alley in Clearwater, FL is doing record business: Very Interesting!! Wanna knock his teeth out? A bowling alley in Clearwater, Florida, "Bowl-O-Bama", is doing record business despite a bad economy. The alley also reported a record number of 300 games. Since opening in November 2010, 963 patrons have bowled a perfect game, including strikes in the warm-up frames. This alley also has the highest bowling league average in the country, with a 237. And that's the senior league ! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: vegas douchebag
on our way out to party the night away in las Vegas when we ran across this guy checking in to the hotel..hmm flats or pumps today? manly if you ask me..Please hide my info.. every Thursday is like a lil treat thanks for the great site
Different strokes... -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: interesting (a little bit)
Longtime admirer of your site (etc. etc.) Seen this recently in Arizona, tried to get a better picture but could not catch up with the guy as he was doing in excess of 90 mph (!) Keep up the great work, withhold details please |
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xitz wrote:
Subject: a royal toast at christmas time
Here it is Yuletide and everyone is praising and celebration the Christmas father and elfs and Reindeers and things. well let us not forget our royal heritage, and we ask you to stand up and all hail..... |
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Ed27th wrote:
Subject: Christmas
The Ultimate Christmas Yard Decoration |
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Jd wrote:
Subject: NO CALLS PLEASE!!
Yeah, I wish!! Please no phone calls this December I am really busy, just leave your message I will get back to u next year |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Filthy Neighbour Pics
G'day Orsm Dude, Been a fan for a few yrs now, thought I'd contribute to your great site. A mate and me had some enjoyable pre xmas drinkies with a neighbour who also wanted to share some slap n tickle. We could've played 'snap' on her back but then we got too busy, lol. She's a champ. Happy Fkn New Year. Please hold my details & identity. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Last of the 1995 Florida Santa model...
pls use the best ones & Happy Holidays to all ORSMites!
More of this chick here and here. -Orsm |
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Kel wrote:
Subject: ...just another day on the river (very interesting)
This has to be the weirdest thing that ever floated by me in the river. They were stuck together in death lock, each wanting to kill the other first. My guess is that the falcon snatched up the tasty snake, and it somehow got its tail around the falcons neck, strangling it in midair causing both of them to crash into the comal river. |
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Derek wrote:
Subject: slips
Some nip slips
Don't see any nip slips but definitely one of the hottest/cutest girls I've ever seen. -Orsm |
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Hank wrote:
Subject: Scotland
second lot of west coast of Scotland panoramas
Other Scotland panoramas posted can be found here, here, here, here and here. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: ex-wife
hey bro, long time fan here. I came across a vid on my ex-wifes computer of her fucking this other guy. I believe in saving for posterity and she always wanted to be famous, however I am having problems e-mailing it to you... I haven't found a good video compression software package got any ideas? I also got some pics to share with ya (and the rest of the world) |
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Jd wrote:
Subject: quotes
Do you find these quotes true most of the time? |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Response to the "Obama's feet on desk" pictures
Don't know if anyone's seen this so I thought I'd pass it along. While I understand not everyone is going to like the President, I don't understand why people choose a photograph and assume that the shot shows a person's character. So if it's true for one it must be true for everyone. This ones for "Mike" (please withold my info) |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: ZWF Special Moment !! - Dramatic Luangwa elephant rescue.....
Most conservationists believe that man should not meddle with the natural order and that we should allow nature to run her course however cruel or grim it seems to be. We agree on the whole, unless a wildlife problem has been created by man (for instance in the case of snaring or being trapped in a fence, in which case it's justifiable to intervene) then nature should be left to her own devices. She has a plan. |
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Thirsty Swagman wrote:
Subject: Motivationals
The "Strength" is suitable for your audience I believe :-)
Previous Motivationals can be found if you'll be kind enough to click here. -Orsm |
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Bill wrote:
Subject: Don't Mess with Texas
After the shooting at Lake Falcon by members of the Mexican drug cartel, Texas will no longer rely on the Federal Govt to protect is citizens. Six of these boats have been put into service along the border by the Texas Dept. of Public Safety. Looks like they're getting serious!!
That'll get them to the primo fishing spots nice and quick. -Orsm |
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Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!
ORSM VIDEO
There was a father and son who were always in competition with each other. One day the son left to take an entrance exam at a university. He wanted to major in medicine.
A week later he returned from his trip looking very down in the dumps. "How was the exam?" asked his father. "They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the missing letter' questions about first aid and stuff. I got a score of 75%. It wasn't good enough to get accepted" the boy replied. "Well in that case I better take that exam myself" the father said. So off to the university he went.
A week later the father returned from his trip looking very down in the dumps. "How was the exam?" asked his son. "They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the missing letter' questions about first aid and I got them all wrong but one". "Gee, dad. Which question was that?" "The question was..." started the father "What do you do when you come across a lady which has fainted. You feel her pu_s_?" "That's easy!" the son replied. "The answer is pulse". "Oh hell" said the father" I got that one wrong as well".
| NELLY... NOT A 'GIRL NEXT DOOR' TYPE... |
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Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc" he said "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under... you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years" said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears". "How much do you charge?" "A hundred dollars per visit". "I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. "For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars". "Is that so!? How?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
RANDOM SHITE
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cosy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there" and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches... just send the wine back…
| IVY WINTERS - GREAT BODY, STUPID NAME |
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During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said "Just a minute, I have to go pee".
The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite". "What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back".
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say 'bathroom' at the dinner table". "And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say 'Darling, may I be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very good friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner'".
ORSM
VIDEO
Well ...
- Echa un vistazo a los archivos del sitio.
- Next update will be on the only day of the week between Wednesday and Friday. You figure it out.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will derp.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ??? . Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2012.01.05-20.03 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Note to self: you cannot turn the TV on for 'just a minute' to see Clarke bring up his triple.
And so we're back... to reality that is. After a fantabulous two weeks off the January resentment period begins. In a perfect world the entire month would be a national holiday. All the annoying things like working and... working... would give way to the pursuit of pleasure.
So we may as well segue straight into a wrap of events that made up the 'busy yet relaxing' festive season. The lead up to Christmas day was not the mad rush expected - all tasks were completed in a timely manner and that was despite the chaos on the streets and in shopping centres. A couple of things did stand out however - the self-importance of everyone, everywhere. Too much of the "OMG its Christmas and I've got stuff to do so fuck you all". Don't think I've ever received such vigorous waves and acknowledgment from other road users by doing something so simple as making space to let them in. Later in the day I was congratulated after letting a very shaky, very old guy go ahead of me in a line. The five people in front who all saw him, pretended not to. Nice work, society.
I'd love to say the excitement of Christmas day was what woke me up at 4.30am but I'm yet to work that one out. After some present exchanging [got a huuuge Nerf gun!] it was all go from that moment on. A large chunk of garlicked pork was begun roasting with a gigantic potato salad following. First guests arrived around 9.30am and people came and went all day with the last departing around 8pm. Very chilled and casual and not such a bad way to do it. The only real surprise was how the fridge ended up fuller than before we started but seven days of leftovers FTW!
From Xmas and the four days following we were saddled with house guests - two teenage [not my] cousins. It's been a few years since I was one so the challenge became how to relate to teens or at least so they don't stare at me with a 'this guy is such a douche' look all the time. Turns out calling Justin Bieber a giant fag was the breakthrough as were constantly accusing the 15yo she was emo. Anyway this intrusion very quickly made the house smaller so any chance to move activities out and about was siezed. First up were the Boxing Day sales. I've always steered well clear of the insanity but desperately needing clothes, off we went and I finally have t-shirts again. Well worth it.
The highlight of my year and possibly life came that afternoon. Friends place for a BBQ, a mate rolled up in a Ferrari. "I don't want to drive in case I break it" followed by "I'll just sit in it" then a "I'm just going to start her up" and finally "I must drive this now" preceded a lap along the coast. I've never felt more like Ferris Bueller.
The next few days were ridiculously hot beach and pool days with some gaming [went with Deus Ex - not too bad, not out of this world] and the cinema to see the new MI. Basically all the stuff anyone not smart enough to fly or drive away somewhere tropical for the holidays would do.
New Years is sort of becoming a non-event these days. Grand plans, excitement, anticipation and three day parties have given way to preferring to not feel like shit for a week after. Oh and I see how that makes me sound old and lame but priorities change... which also make me sound old and lame. Just shut up okay. That said, when it actually gets to the day I suddenly fire up and look for the most epic option to rock it in. Thankfully some friends decided to step up and organise a huge house party with a Seven Deadly Sins theme. I went as 'pride' and wore a gay pride flag. Not quite out of the box and surprisingly received no propositions from other guys... or girls for that matter. Weird...? Honestly don't think I've ever seen so much food or alcohol in one place either and had a frickin' great night.
Alright time to move on. I could easily have crapped on for another half dozen paragraphs but there's a whole update to get through. It's a huge one too - traditionally I would asshole this update and -just- post Reader Mail but at some point guilt took over so there's a whole bunch of other stuff to make up for two weeks without an update that will keep you guys busy possibly forever. Check it...
Game Time! - Amazing Bods - Drunk As Hell - This Is Bad - Wicked BJ - Erotic Yoga - Phantom Shit - Gianna POV
Schooled - Rihanna Nips - Is This Hot? - 'Clingers' - Oooops! - Black Attack - Inflatable OMG! - Take-Off Fail
Perfect 10 - Alba Hotness - Talent - Puffy Nips - Stoopidity - Tough Guy - Teen Slut - Bitch Tranny - Trolling
An Aussie bloke was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside him so he leans over and says "You remind me of my little toe". She replies "What?... You mean I'm small and cute?" He says "No. I'll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk"...
--
Shot my first turkey yesterday. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section...
--
A local lawyer was sitting in his office the other morning when in walked a beautiful blonde woman. Without any preliminaries she declared that she wanted a divorce. "On what grounds?" asked the lawyer. "I don't think he is faithful to me" she replied. "And what makes you think he isn't faithful?" asked the lawyer. "Well for one thing" replied the young lady "I don't think he's the father of my child".
--
In 1272, the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine. In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea, by taking the intestine out of the goat first. I hope you appreciate this history update.
--
"Take a pencil and paper" the teacher said "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire.'" Everyone but Philip began to write furiously. He just leaned back in his chair and folded his arms. "What's the matter" the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?" "I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.
--
My wife suffocated today, but at least she got to see her new pillow right before she died.
ORSM
VIDEO
Toward the end of the Sunday service the Minister asked "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.
"Mr Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any" he replied gruffly. "Mr Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight" he replied. The congregation stood and applauded.
"Oh, Mr Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation and said simply "I outlived all them mother fuckers!"
| FUN WITH MIRABEL |
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It's the close of the financial year and the Taxation Department sends an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While going through the books, the inspector turns to the Rabbi and says "I notice you use lots of candles, what do you do the with wax drippings?" "Good question" says the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles." "Really?" replies the tax inspector, disappointed his tricky question had a practical answer.
"What about all these bread wafers? You're going to have crumbs, what do you do with them?" "Ah yes", replies the Rabbi, realising the inspector's trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread wafers". "I see" says the inspector, now determined to fluster the smart-ass Rabbi.
"Well Rabbi what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" In response the Rabbi said "Here too we do not waste." "What we do is save the foreskins and send them to the taxation department and every now and then they send us back a complete prick".
ORSM
VIDEO
Two Aboriginals were driving through the outback when off in the distance they saw a police booze bus. Rather than trying to avoid it, the driver headed straight for it. As they pulled up the driver wound his window down and said "G'day, brudder! Two cans of Emu Export, thanks!"
The copper glared at him and said "You must be drunk! Get out of the car and blow into this tube!" The driver said "Sorry boss, I can't blow in that, I got a letter from the doctor saying I'm asthmatic and I'll pass out if I blow in that".
The cop smirked and said "Okay - in that case we require you to give a blood sample". "Nah nah - sorry, boss" replied the driver. "Can't be doin' that. Got another letter from the doc saying" I'm a haemophiliac, and I could bleed to death if I gave a blood sample. Sorry boss, can't do that!"
By now the copper was getting irate and demanded that the driver provide a urine sample for testing. The driver shook his head and said "Sorry boss, can't do that either". The copper protested "Surely you haven't got a letter for that!!"
"Bloody oath, mate!" says the driver "It's from Julia Gillard, the Prime Minister of this lovely
country of Australia - she's apologised, and says that you whitefellas can't take the piss out of us blackfellas no more!"
| MY POOR EYES: FATTY FLASHERS |
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|
You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!
READER MAIL
Time for a huge RM. What you guys will find below is a whole bunch of mail that flooded in throughout 2011. It's not arranged in any sort of order and the fact its didn't make it into an update last year has more to do with space limitations than anything else. At very least it should keep you occupied for a couple. Got something to add? Email me! In the meantime - check it...
Tomas wrote:
Subject: Stickers
My Family Stickers Toowoomba Style |
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Ross wrote:
Subject: cookies
What happens when men bake cookies?? |
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Clark wrote:
Subject: When Back in SF
On my last trip to San Francisco, I ended up waiting for my flight downtown on the same day as the pride parade. Everybody was dressed and ready to go; even the busses! Love the site! Keep on keep'n on! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ass pic
Found this on my camera. Guess my gf thought see would take a pic of my buds ass! Pls hide my details if you use this. |
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Ørjan wrote:
Subject: Cheers from Norway..!
A big fan of your great site, but first time contributor... I just had to send you this picture showing the great evil looks of my friend Anders. What he drank that night, I really can't say... But I guess it was stronger than Guinness... |
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Austin wrote:
Subject: Obama Shirts
Walmart says Anti-obama shirts outselling pro obama 4 to 1. |
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Qerqizi wrote:
Subject: German
I guess that the WWII, was won by Germany after all! |
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BT wrote:
Subject: a picture for you
Dude: Trying to line up a date for new years eve and this is all I could come up with! Looks like it is going to be a long year! |
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Gordon wrote:
Subject: Absolutely Brilliant!!
Gotta love it,,,,,, and it ought to work just fine. |
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Austin wrote:
Subject: Remember the guy who wouldn't take the flag down?
You might remember a news story several months ago about a crotchety old man who defied his homeowners association and refused to take down the flagpole on his property and the large flag that flew on it. Now you can find out who, exactly, that old man was. |
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Warren wrote:
Subject: I am all for conservation
Spotted by a mate whilst driving in Durban, South Africa. |
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Andrew wrote:
Subject: ArmorAll - Summer Melons
Hey Orsm. I think ArmorAll needs some help with their marketing. They got the wording right (Summer Melons, Scratch & sniff) but i think they could have included a visual that would increase sales. I've added a sample that i think would definitely help pick up sales! I've included a before and after pic, you use both or just the latter. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: funny pic
Hey orsm, was on facebook today and saw this pic and figured it would be good for your site. Notice the kid in the black shirt has a little something extra hanging out of his pants..... Pls hide my info if you decide to use it. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Bug-eyed baby
Have you ever seen a baby like this? Please withhold my information and try to blur out the girl's face, thanks. |
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Michael wrote:
Subject: Photo
I was playing wordworp on my iPhone and had to snap this screen shot! |
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RR147 wrote:
Subject: Canada
Canada has some interesting Bay name..lol |
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Gene wrote:
Subject: I Found an old picture...
FOUND! AN OLD PICTURE OF ME WITH MY FIRST BABYSITTER My psychiatrist told me this is where my problem started!!! I MISS HER A LOT. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Picture
I shouldn't be so juvenile and still find this stuff funny, but I couldn't help myself... Hide the details please. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: PUSSY GALORE
G'day mr orsm, I got home from work, checked my emails and low and behold what should I find? an email with 2 pussy pics of a girl I dont know from a bar of soap. And i thought to myself, if she is happy to share herself with me, I'll do the right thing and pass on her random act of kindness and share them with you. Her name is Catriona. from where? buggered if I know. how she got my email? buggered if i know. What does the rest of her look like? buggered if i know. If she sends more will I pass them on too? Hell yes! Hide my dets please, and keep up the good work! |
Greg wrote:
Subject:
Historic pictures
First McDonald's; Sadam Hussein with the noose around the neck; Early construction of Brasilia, capital of Brasil; Papa Pio XII and Hitler; Elvis Presley drafted into the Army; The Beatles before they became famous; Osama Bin Laden Family... |
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Tom wrote:
Subject: pic
Do not get on this bus. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pics for your next update
Found these on FB. Not sure what he is trying to show, other than his complete lack of heterosexuality. Since he was kind enough to share on FB, I thought it would be nice to share with ORSM. As usual, you are the bomb, and hide the details please. |
Stooged wrote:
Subject: $44
Usually $44.65 for 2 x pizza combo ? Inflated Sydney moron price ? W-T-F ? And $9/kg for banana's ? The World has gone nuts. |
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Bishop wrote:
Subject: nye party
Do you know who the HELL this is??? Scary!!! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: ***Old South Africa Quad Bikes***
Howzit Orsm, Used these quad bikes in SA before the internal combustion engine was
invented. I understand a different model is still being used in some remote
areas of the outback where you hail from. |
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Andrew wrote:
Subject: woolworths
The staff at woolworths must have thought these two products went well together?? |
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John wrote:
Subject: My Dicks Sporting Goods
A google search for "Dicks Sporting goods" turned this up. It's a new, "my dicks so big..."joke. My dick is so big it has it's own sporting goods store. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: cardboard license plate
sitting at a traffic light the other day i noticed the truck in front of me had a cardboard license plate. you cant see it in the picture i took but the plate number is written in marker. i guess some credit should go to the creator for effort. please hide my info. thanks |
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CJ Wrote:
Subject: How to ask for a date... tenderley
Thought that this is so heart warming, it shows the tenderness and caring in the approach to the object of your desires, especially on a very special date. Check the tenderness in his eyes and the gentle way that he puts his hand on hers. This is a lesson from nature for all you guys out there: how to do it right! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: mexico!!
Saw this on holiday in Mexico. I do like a good glass of squirt, mmmmm yes I do! No details please and keep up the good work. Laters |
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Psycheman wrote:
Subject: World Map
More truth than you think.... |
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STEPHEN wrote:
Subject: Emailing
A friend of mine celebrating Cinco de Mayo |
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Hodgo wrote:
Subject: Random shit perhaps?
G'day Great Orsm, Pic of Dick's old Greens Tuf XE Falcon with some tough green in the back, this is a model didn't circle Bathurst like this!! Cheers |
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Shane wrote:
Subject: There is none finer
In Las Vegas. It appears Gucci has expanded its portfolio to include a product I truly love. I am guessing there is none better to be found anywhere else. |
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Grant wrote:
Subject: Musician Reecard Farche
Portrait of the famous musician "Reecard Farche" with some Americans on a lounge. |
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Jez wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Reckon Toyota would like this story being linked? |
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Neb E wrote:
Subject: Thank You
The sissy just emailed me again begging me to ask you to include it in your priceless section |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: cell phone+driving=funny for us
This dumb chick got fucked up cuz she was going for her cell phone instead of watching the road. Here is a screen shot. And when I get some time I will mail you some pics of some local sluts in my area that are just dying to be 'famous'. Keep up the good work bro and as usual, hide the deets.. Cheers! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
found on tagged no name etc
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Kinda fitting
Been an avid follower for about 4 years now. I don't agree with all of the opinions, but, if I wanted to make a point I'd start my own page. I couldn't let this one slide though. Good old Facebook for 'fitting' ad placement. Kudos from NSW mate. Hold the info please. |
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Gene wrote:
Subject: How BOOBS got their name
I had no idea... learn something every day. Much simpler than I thought! No need to thank me... just keeping friends informed and educated. |
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Brent wrote:
Subject: Forever Alone submission
You need to post this to make up for the god awful, mind-scarring photos of
that cross dresser sucking dicks. Found this on Facebook. |
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xitz wrote:
Subject: A lovely photograph
Taken in the early to mid 1940's showing a bevy of lasses enjoying a bowl of sweets on a balmy afternoon with not a care in the world, but is it the truth? well in their case it probably is, but read the facts and make your own assessment. This photo entitled "Hier
gibt es Blaubeeren" (Here there are blueberries) shows a German SS officer sharing a
punnet of fresh blueberries with young female staff sitting on a fence at Auschwitz the German death camp. When the
girls finish theatrically eating their blueberries for the camera, one girl fakes tears into her inverted bowl because it is empty. On the very same
day, 150 prisoners (Jews and non-Jews) arrived on a transport at Auschwitz. The SS selected 21 men and 12 women for work,
and killed the remaining members of the transport in the gas chamber. LEST WE FORGET |
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Steven wrote:
Subject: Contacts
Some corporations have truly fantastic contact pages with maybe a little too much info |
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Ross wrote:
Subject: Rest Time!
The perfect accessory to wear after a busy day! |
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Jeff wrote:
Subject: Chuck Woolery's carrer will span eons!
Orsm - Just found this snafu in a Yahoo article...not quite salacious enough for top billing, but certainly worth of the under-under card... |
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RR147HP wrote:
Subject: Lukoil
Why does Lukoil get away with Ripping us off?? |
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Ross wrote:
Subject: Man Flu? Fact or Fiction
"Contains No Artificial Comfort or Sympathy"
Man Flu - The Facts...
1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable scientific fact. (Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)
2. Man-Flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that the germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.
3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is medically recognised as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' – which, if a man caught, he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half and compete in all other kinds of manly activities.
4. Men do not 'moan' when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain they are in.
5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea are met. Is that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it.
6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots of other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast).
7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known.
8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head literally fell off.
9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man, The Thundercats and The A-Team combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady medicines' like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them on a victim of Man-Flu.
10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around enjoying 'Diagnosis Murder' it is a commonly recognised medical fact that the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke's voice has remarkable soothing powers.
Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women, all we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of tea, some kind words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe, we'll beat this monstrous disease together... |
Ross wrote:
Subject: Waiting.....
With breathless anticipation the crowd awaits the unveiling of the Julia Gillard statue. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: ebay fail
G'day mate thought you'd like the header that popped up on my ebay home page. Love the site. Keep up the good work. Hold the details please. Cheers |
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Jesse wrote:
Subject: Fuck sports
Root Sports/Fuck Sports. Same thing. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Something random
Hey Orsm, Great site, found this and thought you might want to use it. Please hide my details. Regards |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: RESPECT
These pictures reveal Obama's attitude, something of his mindset. He must be so insecure, that showing domination is his way to show power. I know of many like him. |
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Johnathan wrote:
Subject: Obama toy
Could be funnier, I'm still a Demotivational noob. |
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Noah wrote:
Subject: Sweet Photo I Made
Hey Orsm, Made this photoshop the other day and I figured your fans would like it. The guy is Larry Bird in case you don't follow basketball / live under a rock. Love your site! |
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Peter wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Why would you? |
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Marco wrote:
Subject: a night in benidorm spain
a night in a normal bar in benidorm spain |
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Damian wrote:
Subject: funny stickers
Hello Mr ORSM. My daughters picked up these lovely Angry birds stickers at the school fete. wondered why they were saying rude things! LOL |
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Jesse wrote:
Subject: Kinda fucked up.
I don't think they will be staring, knowingly, at anything. |
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---- --- wrote:
Subject: Emailing
[no accompanying story/text]
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Jd wrote:
Subject: You can't fix stupid . . . !
Guys, Just remember as you read this, this person probably drives AND votes, and may have already reproduced! |
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Robb wrote:
Subject: news pic
Hi Orsm.. I saw this and thought of you.. Cheers mate! |
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Kel wrote:
Subject: 1928 Car Repair mailer..
May 31, 1927, the last Ford Model T rolled off the assembly line. It was the first affordable automobile, due in part to the assembly line process developed by Henry Ford. Ford believed that "the man who will use his skill and constructive imagination to see how much he can give for a dollar, instead of how little he can give for a dollar, is bound to succeed." The Model T cost $850 in 1909, and as efficiency in production increased, the price dropped. By 1927, you could get a Model T for $290. |
Craig wrote:
Subject: White House Ops Room
Some people have waaaaaaaaay to much time (and a really good Photoshop program!) |
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Stress
Stop overworking and rest. Otherwise you'll be next |
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xitz wrote:
Subject: Perfect
one for all the Kiwis (and would be Kiwis) out their |
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Tom wrote:
Subject: Railcars
Railcar grafitti...pretty cool stuff. |
Kel wrote:
Subject: SMALLEST PETROL ENGINE
SCIENTISTS have built the smallest petrol engine, tiny enough to power a WATCH. The mini-motor, which runs for two years on a single squirt of lighter fuel, is set to revolutionize world technology. It produces 700 times more energy than a conventional battery despite being less than a centimeter long not even half an inch. It could be used to operate laptops and mobile phones for months doing away with the need for recharging. Experts believe it could be phasing out batteries in such items within just six years. Other applications for the engine could include medical and military uses, such as running heart pacemakers or mini reconnaissance robots. At present, charging an ordinary battery to deliver one unit of energy involves putting 2,000 units into it. The little engine, because energy is produced locally, is far more effective. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: readers mail contribution
Hi orsm, Long time reader, first time contributer. Was having a perve at work, and came across this... apparently Jessica alba doesn't mind a bit of porn! Keep up the good work, hide details cheers |
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xitz wrote:
Subject: and so this is christmas
Hey.. I just Loooove christmas |
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Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!
There was this couple in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on and read a book. As he was reading he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling with her between the legs. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.
The wife then got up and started stripping off in front of him. The husband was confused and asked "Why are you taking all your clothes off?" The wife replied "You were playing with me down there. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier". The husband said "No, not at all".
The wife then asked "Well, what were you doing then?" "Oh" he said, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book!"
ORSM VIDEO
Sipho is working for a massive construction company. His boss is white. Sipho always gets into trouble with his boss and his boss always swears at him.
Sipho decided to lay a complaint so he goes to Comrade Malema's office. Malema tells him "He cannot treat you like this he doesn't know things are changed in my country?"
So they decided to go together to confront Sipho's boss. Sipho points out his boss to Malema. Malema calls him to the side and says to the boss "You cannot treat your workers this way, you will get locked up. This is not your country anymore!" Boss says, "Sorry Julius but he is a stupid and I can prove it". He tells Sipho "Go to the 18th floor and see if I'm there".
Sipho run up the stairs. Opens the office doors looks inside and runs down the stairs all huffing and puffing and says "Boss you are not there". Boss says "See how stupid he is!" Malema answers "Ha ha ha ha, ya he is very, very stupid… if it was me I would have used the lift!"
RANDOM SHITE
A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker "How much do you charge?" The Hooker replies "It starts at $500 for a handjob". The guy says "$500 dollars! For a handjob! Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes". "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" "Yes". "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes". "Well" says the hooker, smiling invitingly "I own those. And I own them because I give a handjob that's worth $500".
So the guy says "What the hell? You only live once right... I'll give it a try".
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realsing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says "I suppose a blowjob is $1000?" The hooker replies "$1,500". "I wouldn't pay that for a blowjob!"
The hooker replies "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the
street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blowjob that's worth every cent of $1500". The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific handjob, decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says "Sign me up".
Ten minutes later he's sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker "How much for some pussy?" The hooker says "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us - all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?" "Damn!" the guy says, in awe "You own the WHOLE city?" "No" the hooker replies "but I would if I had a pussy".
ORSM
VIDEO
And we're done. Except for...
- Check out the site archives. Please?
- Next update will be next Thursday. Ughhhhh.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will cut you, bitch!
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and HNY or whatever. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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