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| orsmupdate 2011.12.22-21.01 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Pre-emptively tense.
I'm sure the days fell more in my favour last year but checking back, the final update was on the 23rd. Maybe I was just more organised. Clearly remember having a more relaxing final week. I am pretty close to being sorted though - in the next two days I just need to find presents, cook enough food to feed a dozen, clean the house, wash the car, take the dog to the vet and... then I can relax. Piece of piss right...?
Continuing on with the trend of recent weeks and months, the weekend was ridiculous. Friday started as usual with a gruelling cycle. Managed a slightly longer distance than ever before and took a different route along the river and through the city. Nice morning for it except for the fucking wind. The rest of the day was spent doing Christmas related crap before seizing the opportunity of an empty evening to work into the wee hours and dent an ever increasing backlog. As much as sacrificing a Friday night to sitting in front of the computer is gay... no wait... that's it... it is gay.
Saturday was picturesque so first activity was a walk along the coast. Upon returning home I decided a coffee was in order... as the kettle boiled I reached across to unplug then this happened. Next was a return to the couch moving ordeal at a friends' place I mentioned a while back. Attacking with eight hands this time it should have been a breeze however that was merely wishful [read: stupid] thinking. Tried one way - wouldn't go. Reversed out, turned, flipped - still wouldn't go. It was about that point talk of a chainsaw was bandied around but a brilliant idea of hiring a genie lift was put forward. Half an hour later it was delivered and we set about manoeuvring the thing vertically up and over the balcony and into position. So much overthought, heartache and scraped knuckles, if only we'd done it that way to begin with. The rest of the afternoon was spent tinkering with my TV and connected devices. Mission unsuccessful on that front... it's basically down to commercial TV only now - DVD player and the like are luxuries no longer known. I now see that home theatre components are as bad, if not worse, than computers. Anything that's more than a couple of years old is superseded like fuck. Dinner with friends that night. It's ever hard to put the crew together nowadays so good to hangout for a few hours and absorb alcohol.
Unplanned early wakeup on Sunday surprised no one. Efforts were immediately focused in the garden, finishing off mulching and digging up and destroying anything that would fit in the bin. Speaking of the bin, cause of my next significant injury... whilst hauling it across the yard and over a step it managed to land directly on my big toe. Talk about cunt-fuck-ouch. The nail hasn't fallen of yet but it's only a matter of time. Gross. Anyway hopefully that ends green-related activities for a couple of months and I'll start seeing some freer weekends.
Next stop was my sister's place to say a final Merry Christmas before they jet away to greyer skies and then home to get dressed and ready for a wedding. I had my reservations about a wedding so close to Christmas. Everyone is massively under the pump as it is so devoting a good 10-12 hours is a luxury ill afforded. That said, it was stellar - awesome venue, people, food, speeches, radiant bride - what else could you ask for? For the record that was only the second wedding all year... down from [I think] 10 in 2010. Oh and 2011 was definitely the baby explosion I predicted. Lost count somewhere along the way but total fuck trophies belonging to people I know exceeded of 20. I'm guessing if last year was year of the wedding, this year was year of the baby, next year will be year of the divorce...
We should probably get a move on but before I do - absolute gigantic thanks to everyone who Orsm'd themselves this year and an even bigger one to all contributors. You have kept me constantly entertained. It's been a fucking huuuge one too. More of you guys visited than ever before and chewed down I don't even want to know how much bandwidth. 10M more videos were watched this year than last, this and this being the most popular and the most viewed image galleries were this and this. There were 51 updates, two of them coming from different countries, this being the most viewed and this was the most popular RS. Alright enough of the stats and ego stroking. Let's get on with it. Tried to go next level with the final update for 2011 and pretty sure I succeeded. Reader Mail got canned to make space for all the other stuff that will keep you dudes busy over the next 2 weeks while I take a break. One more thing - there are tonnes of videos and extra stuff hidden below. Clicking on anything that says 'Christmas' will get you there. Check it...
Time 2 Play - Walk Of Shame - Santa's Sluts - Tramp Stamps - Sports Babes - Strippers - Redhead Luv - Sexcapade
Mmm Burgers - Fapworthy Blonde - Uber Cleav - Killer Bod - Sofia Vergara - Deep Dickin' - Sex Me Now - Public BJ
Xmas Hottie - Oops My Bad! - Miranda FTW - SO Hot - I See Tits - Chill Bro - Bukkake - Overshare - Painal
This eight-year-old girl goes into Santa's grotto. She sits on his lap and Father Christmas says "Hello little girl, what do you want for Christmas, my dear?" The little girl says, "Some of my older friends at school have got some hair between their legs, and I would like some there too!" Santa says "Will a little white beard be okay?"
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I saw a girl walking down the street that I fucked years ago so I ran up behind her, covered her eyes and whispered "Guess who... I took your virginity..." She said "Dad?" "Dad!?" I replied staggering back in disgust. "You lost your virginity to your dad?" She turned round and said "Oh... it's you... I told you that you were my first because I was ashamed of what happened with my..". "I don't want to hear it!" I interrupted "Fuck you and your dad!" As I walked off, I turned round and shouted "Tell him Uncle Tony won't be coming round this Christmas".
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A friend of mine just bought a new Xmas tree. Thinking she might need help, I asked her if she was going to put it up herself? "No" she replied "I thought it would look nice in the corner of the living room".
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I worked in a record shop when I was at school and a woman came in and asked "Have you got Jingle Bells on the old 12 inch?" I said "No but I've got two dangling balls on a 7 inch". She asked "Is that a record?" I said "I think so... I'm only 13".
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I just got a job directing a local play. I thought it was a bit dull so I thought I would liven it up a bit by including a nude lesbian shower scene. The School Board people weren't impressed - said it ruined the Nativity.
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Dear Santa, Last year I asked for a thin body and a fat pay cheque. Please don't get them confused again this year.
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I said to the wife "Hey fat cunt what do you want for Christmas?" She said "Don't get fucking lippy!" "Fair enough" I said "Mascara it is then..."
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I LOVE Christmas lights, they remind me of immigrants. They all hang together, half of the fuckers don't work, and the ones that do aren't that bright.
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Paddy says to Mick "Christmas is on a Friday this year". Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th".
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I got a Christmas card from my solicitors today. It wished me, but in no way guaranteed me, a Happy Christmas.
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The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find
Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capital. A search for a Virgin continues. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
ORSM
VIDEO
COMPANY MEMO
FROM: Amy Brown, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1pm. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however no gift should be over $10 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Amy
FROM: Amy Brown, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Amy
FROM: Amy Brown, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads 'AA Only' you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money and the executives believe $10 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Amy
FROM: Amy Brown, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first. There will be fresh 'low sugar' fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply 'no sugar' desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?
Amy
FROM: Amy Brown, Human Resources Director
TO: All Fucking Employees
RE: The Fucking Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the 'grill of death' as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! The rest of you fucking wierdos can kiss my ass. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The Bitch from Hell!!
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
RE: Amy Brown and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Amy Brown a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the 'rest facility'. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Whatever!
Joan
| AMELIE: HAND PUPPET |
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SANTA CLAUSE: AN ENGINEER'S PERSPECTIVE
There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) faiths, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.
Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second - 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the 'flying' reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them - Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.
Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 miles per second in 0.001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.
Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. Merry Christmas!
ORSM
VIDEO
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where?
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. Not a lot of people know this.
RANDOM SHITE [PART 1]
Never one to shirk RSresponsibilities, you guys get a two-parter today but be warned it has a very Christmassy smell. Check it...
Getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness" says the driver "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?" "Well to tell you the truth" says the Pope "they never let me drive at the Vatican and I'd really like to drive today".
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. "Who's going to tell?" says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 200kms.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license and my job!" moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief" he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 200kph. "So bust him" says the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important" said the cop. The Chief exclaimed" All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence. The Chief then asked "Who do you have there, the mayor?" Cop "Bigger". Chief "A senator?" Cop "Bigger". Chief: "The Prime Minister?" Cop: "Bigger". "Well" said the Chief "who is it?" Cop: "I think it's God!"
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, "What makes you think it's God?" Cop: "His chauffeur is the Pope!"
| NIIIIICE TITS |
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It was coming up to Christmas and Sammy asked his mum if he could have a new bike. So, she told him that the best idea would be to write to Santa Claus. But Sam, having just played a vital role in the school nativity play, said he would prefer to write to the baby Jesus. So his mum told him that would be fine.
Sam went to his room and wrote 'Dear Jesus, I have been a very good boy and would like to have a bike for Christmas'. But he wasn't very happy when he read it over. So he decided to try again and this time he wrote 'Dear Jesus, I'm a good boy most of the time and would like a bike for Christmas'.
He read it back and wasn't happy with that one either. He tried a third version. 'Dear Jesus, I could be a good boy if I tried hard and especially if I had a new bike'. He read that one too, but he still wasn't satisfied.
So, he decided to go out for a walk while he thought about a better approach. After a short time he passed a house with a small statue of the Virgin Mary in the front garden. He crept in, stuffed the statue under his coat, hurried home and hid it under the bed. Then he wrote this letter. 'Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again, you'd better send me a new bike'.
| OH CHRISTMAS TREE... OH CHRISTMAS TREE... |
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ORSM VIDEO
CLEVER SCAM... WARN YOUR MALE FRIENDS!
This is very serious stuff! Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. This will only become more commonplace as the holidays get closer. This is a 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Target, Bunnings, Big W and K-Mart customers. This one caught me by surprise.
Over the last couple of weeks I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get some simple Christmas gifts has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works: Two very attractive 20-something girls come over to your car dressed as Santa's Helpers as you are packing your shopping into the boot and both start helping. What catches your eye is the very short bright Red Santa helper miniskirts they are wearing and the tight fitting Deep V neck red top shirt with their breasts almost falling out. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say politely decline and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds to get some hot cocoa and a snack. You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen November 24th, 26th 28th 29th, 30th, twice on Dec 1st, 2nd, and 3rd, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful! What a horrible way to take advantage of older men during this holiday season. Warn your friends to be vigilant. These girls will not give up - they have proven it over and over again with me.
By the way, Target has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K-Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Lowe's, Home Depot, Sam's Club, Wal-Mart and Target.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon)
| EMMA MAE... WANT TO SUCK SOME POLE |
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FACTS ABOUT CHRISTMAS
-US scientists calculated that Santa would have to visit 822 homes a second to deliver all the world's presents on Christmas Eve, travelling at 650 miles a second.
-Although now mostly vegetarian, in Victorian times, mince pies were made with beef and spices.
-The tradition of putting tangerines in stockings comes from 12th-century French nuns who left socks full of fruit, nuts and tangerines at the houses of the poor.
-Despite the tale of three wise men paying homage to baby Jesus, the Bible never gives a number. Matthew's Gospel refers to merely "wise men".
-Carols began as an old English custom called wassailing, toasting neighbours to a long life.
-Carols weren't sung in churches until they were introduced by St Francis of Assisi in the 13th century.
-Hanging stockings out comes from the Dutch custom of leaving shoes packed with food for St Nicholas's donkeys. He would leave small gifts in return.
-There is no reference to angels singing anywhere in the Bible.
-Nearly 60 million Christmas trees are grown each year in Europe.
-The word Noel derives from the French expression "les bonnes nouvelles" or "the good news".
-Jesus was probably born in a cave and not a wooden stable, say Biblical scholars.
-The abbreviation Xmas isn't irreligious. The letter X is a Greek abbreviation for Christ.
-The world's tallest Xmas tree at 221ft high was erected in a Washington shopping mall in 1950.
-The chances of a white Christmas are just 1 in 10 for England and Wales, and 1 in 6 for Scotland and Northern Ireland. Practically 0 for Australia.
-Many theologians estimate that Jesus wasn't born on December 25 but sometime in September between 6BC and 30AD.
-James Pierpont's 1857 song Jingle Bells was first called One Horse Open Sleigh and was written for Thanksgiving.
-Before turkey, the traditional Christmas meal in England was a pig's head and mustard.
-In 1647, after the English Civil War, Oliver Cromwell banned festivities. The law wasn't lifted until 1660.
-In 1999, residents of the state of Maine in America built the world's biggest ever snowman. He stood at 113ft tall.
-Many parts of the Christmas tree can actually be eaten, with the needles being a good source of Vitamin C.
-The holly in a wreath symbolises Christ's crown of thorns while the red berries are drops of his blood.
-The first commercial Christmas cards were commissioned by civil servant Sir Henry Cole in London in 1843.
-Hanging presents on trees may come from the Druids who believed the tree was the giver of all good things.
-The largest Christmas cracker - 45.72m long and 3.04m in diameter - was pulled in Australia in 1991.
-The long shopping spree before Christmas began in America when relatives of soldiers posted overseas in the Second World War were encouraged to mail gifts early.
-Jingle Bells was the first song broadcast from space when Gemini 6 astronauts Tom Stafford and Wally Schirra sang it on December 16, 1965.
-Astronomers believe the Star Of Bethlehem, which guided the wise men to Jesus, may have been a comet or the planet Uranus.
-Santa has different names around the world - Kriss Kringle in Germany, Le Befana in Italy, Pere Noel in France and Deushka Moroz (Grandfather Frost) in Russia.
-The word Christmas comes from the Old English "Cristes maesse" meaning "Christ's Mass".
-The bestselling Xmas single ever is Bing Crosby's White Christmas, shifting over 50 million copies worldwide since 1942.
-In Britain, the best-selling festive single is Band Aid's 1984 track 'Do They Know It's Christmas?' which sold 3.5 million copies. Wham! is next in the same year with Last Christmas, selling 1.4 million.
-Upside-down artificial Xmas trees are sold to allow more gifts to be piled under.
-Christmas pudding was originally a soup made with raisins and wine.
-London sweetmaker Tom Smith created the first Christmas crackers in 1847, based on the sweet wrapper design.
-Santa Claus comes from a Dutch folk tale based on Saint Nicholas, or Sinterklaas, who gave gifts on December 6.
-Boxing Day gets its name from all the money collected in church alms-boxes for the poor.
-Kissing under the mistletoe is thought to spring from Frigga, the Norse goddess of love, who was associated with the plant.
-The Beatles hold the record for most Xmas number 1 singles, topping the charts in 1963, 65 and 67.
-Electric tree lights were invented by Edward Johnson in the US in 1882.
-They may date back to pagan traditions, but the earliest known reference to a Christmas tree is in a German pamphlet from 1570.
-The highest-grossing festive movie is 2000's How The Grinch Stole Christmas, which has raked in almost US$350 milion since 2000.
-There are 13 Santa's in Iceland, each leaving a gift for children. They come down from the mountain one by one, starting on December 12 and have names like Spoon Licker, Door Sniffer and Meat Hook.
-Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer was invented for a US firm's Christmas promotion in 1938.
-Gold-wrapped chocolate coins commemorate St Nicholas who gave bags of gold coins to the poor.
-The first Christmas celebrated in Britain is thought to have been in York in 521AD.
-In Greece, Italy, Spain and Germany, workers get a Christmas bonus of one month's salary by law.
-In the Czech Republic they enjoy dinners of fish soup, eggs and carp. The number of people at the table must be even, or the one without a partner will die next year.
-During the auspicious Christmas time many of the pet owners think their pet as human beings. It is noticed that almost 56 per cent of Americans sing to their pets.
-Scraps of Christmas can make problems for you many times. The Christmas scraps are responsible for 400,000 cases of disease and sickness after the Christmas time.
-Listen to the song "Twelve Days of Christmas" and count the number of gifts in the song. You will notice that gifts were exchanged 364 times. Thus the gifts are exchanged every day of the year.
-It was obligatory to visit the church during Christmas day. The tradition of fasting still continues. No vehicle is allowed to be used in any Christmas service.
-In the Ukraine, if you find a spider web in the house on Christmas morning, it is believed to be a harbinger of good luck! There once lived a woman so poor, says a Ukrainian folk tale, that she could not afford Christmas decorations for her family. One Christmas morning, she awoke to find that spiders had trimmed her children's tree with their webs. When the morning sun shone on them, the webs turned to silver and gold. An artificial spider and web are often included in the decorations on Ukrainian Christmas trees.
-At Christmas, it is traditional to exchange kisses beneath the mistletoe tree. In ancient Scandinavia, mistletoe was associated with peace and friendship. That may account for the custom of "kissing beneath the mistletoe".
RANDOM SHITE [PART 2]
And the hits keep on coming. Check it...
RATING YOUR CHRISTMAS PARTIES
If you threw a party, the worst thing you could have done was throw the kind of party where your guests call you up the next day to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be expected to throw another great party next year. What you should have done was throw the kind of party where your guests wake up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one. So next time, make sure your party reaches the correct Festivity Level:
FESTIVITY LEVEL: ONE
Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling at hors d'oeuvres.
FESTIVITY LEVEL: TWO
Your guests are talking loudly - sometimes to each other and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
FESTIVITY LEVEL: THREE
Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects singing "I Can't Get No Satisfaction" gulping other people's drinks, wolfing down Christmas-tree ornaments, and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike them.
You want to keep your party somewhere around Level Three, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to Level Four.
FESTIVITY LEVEL: FOUR
Your guests have hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their bodies, are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree, and have consumed all ten gallons of alcohol at the party. The piano is missing.
The best way to get to Level Four is eggnog. To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in season, eggs. Combine all ingredients in a large, festive bowl. If you use enough alcohol you won't have to worry about them getting salmonella poisoning - their alcohol toxicity level will eliminate that possibility. Then induce your guests to drink this potent mixture.
If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door. If your party is very successful, the police will then lob tear gas through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure they don't arrest anybody. Or, if they're dead set on arresting someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you. The best way to do this is to show a lot of respect for their uniforms and assure them you're not doing anything illegal. Here's how to handle it:
Police: "Good evening. Are you the host?" You: "No." Police: "We've been getting complaints about this party." You: "About the drugs?" Police: "No." You: "About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?" Police: "No, the noise." You: "Oh, the noise. Well, that makes sense, because there are no guns or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? The neighbours?"
Police: "No, the neighbours fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent complaints have come from several miles away. Do you think you could ask the host to quiet things down?" You: "No problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living room and roars down the hall, past the police and out the front door onto the lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind down."
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike" the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes Sir" the little girl said "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said "Give this to your Dad and next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!"
The young girl looked up at the cop and said "Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?" Playing along with the girl he chuckled and answered "Yes, he sure did!"
The little girl looked up at the cop and said: "Next year tell Santa the dick goes UNDERNEATH the horse, not on top!!"
| I WANT A CONSOLE FOR CHRISTMAS |
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CHRISTMAS DOWNSIZING
Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
-The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
-The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
-The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.
-The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
-The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
-The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
-The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
-As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the Equal Opportunity Commission. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
-Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
-Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
-Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cut back on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.
-We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorneys association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending. Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
| EVE LAURENCE LOOKING A BIT ROUGH BUT ITS AN XMAS THEME SO STFU... |
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With Christmas nearing a husband decided to go to a pet store and get his wife. He knew she loved animals, birds in particular, and decided this would be the perfect gift for her.
So he goes to the pet store and asks the manager if he has anything special in the way of birds. The manager tells him that in fact he does, it's a bird named Chet who sings. The guy is very interested and asks to see Chet. The manager brings him over to a beautiful bird and tells the husband that this is Chet. The husband asks what is so special about him and the manager tells him that Chet can sing, and that he'll show him.
The manager then takes a cigarette lighter out of his pocket and lights it a few inches underneath Chet's right foot. Chet begins to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way..."
The husband says that it was great and asks "Does Chet sing anything else?" So the manager then lights his lighter under Chet's left foot, and Chet begins to sing "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know..." The husband is very impressed, sure that his wife will absolutely love this bird, so he buys Chet.
He brings the bird home and presents it to his wife as a Christmas gift. She is very happy and says the bird is beautiful. The husband tells her that the bird can sing. He takes his lighter and lights it beneath Chet's right foot, and Chet begins to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way..."
The wife is thrilled and asks if he can do anything else. The husband then lights the lighter under Chet's left foot and Chet begins to sing "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know..."
The wife is overwhelmed and asks "What would happen if you put the lighter under both of his feet at the same time?" The husband says that he doesn't know, but they could try it. So the husband puts the lighter under both of the birds feet and the bird begins to sing "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire..."
ORSM
VIDEO
And that means we are done. I could babble on endlessly but who can be fucked right? Just read the following for some crucial info and I'll see you bastards in the New Year...
- Check out the site archives. What else are you going to be doing over the holidays that could be more important...?
- Next update will NOT be next Thursday but the one after... or not... but most likely the 5th January.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will kill Santa so if you want presents you should do what I say.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and have a safe and Happy Christmas. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2011.12.15-19.08 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Do you know what a truck sounds like when it's reversing...?
So the last week has been mediocre in terms of excitement. That said, it's been ridiculously productive. The most important thing in the world right now is that week's break between Xmas and New Year so I'm going hard as possible to get everything that needs doing, done. If anything or anyone dares interfere with my time off there'll be a tantrum of epic proportions. At the moment the only things planned is some game time on the PC and a couple of beach days. Should be all good so long as the weather shows up. Blogs this time of year usually start with complaints about the heat... then Monday night we had the highest December rainfall in almost six decades.
Moving on. After what was one of the most brutal update weeks all year, I awoke Friday energised and immediately mounted the bike for a casual cycle. Sometime later the 30km barrier had been smashed. Throw in walking the dog and a burn on the rower, the total a record shattering 35km. I'm upping the goal to 40kms of activity by years end. The rest of Friday was spent running errands, a dentist visit and a prolonged steam cleaning session. With the changed living arrangements, two old couches were made redundant. Have hung onto them for several years despite only occasional use coming from the dog and as such they were dusty and absolutely covered in hair. Anyway not wanting to permanently part with them, a deal was struck to rehome with friends until [and if] we want them back. That's where the cleaning part came in. No probs except removing hair is like pulling teeth so something I expected to take an hour took three times as long.
Thought I may as well make use of the cleaner while we still had it so the next day kicked off going over the only carpeted area in the house. Fuck knows what drugs the old hag who lived here before me was on when she picked the colour. The most disgusting/offensive pink/purple imaginable is being generous and as it turns out, no amount of cleaning could make it look better. From there we borrowed a car, hooked up the trailer and delivered the couches. The rest of the day was spent outside around the homestead and after getting the obligatory hardware store trip out of the way it was on to reticulation maintenance. Anyone who's had to do this before will know the fucking tedium involved - 1) Clear overgrowth around each sprinkler 2) Activate the station to test 3) Check for broken or nonperforming sprinkler heads 4) Remove sprinkler heads 5) Disassemble, clean, repair and reassemble 6) Run station to clear line 7) Refit sprinkler heads 8) Reactivate station to test 9) Repeat steps 2-8 as needed. 9) Repeat steps 1-9 for all 6 stations. Thankfully once finished you usually don't need to do much for another year which is good because fingers and knuckles end up scratched to the fuckery.
Next task was to get the patio misting system working again. If you haven't seen them, it's basically a series nozzles which produce an ultra-fine water mist to keep an area cool on hot days. Unfortunately it was a very, very cheap kit and the piping connecting everything had disintegrated. The nozzles and connectors were just as bad with each one needing repairs. In other words the whole thing took way longer than it should have. After that, gardened like a MF. Like the night before, was supposed to hit a [not my] work Xmas party but again plans were changed and it didn't happen. Kind of gay on account of not having been to one since I had a real job way back when. Instead we met up with a relative for dinner and moved on to a nearby pub. Definitely not a bad night although drunk shenanigans would have been more fun.
For no apparent reason my body decided it would wake up at half 5 Sunday morning. Finally accepting there was no chance of getting back to sleep, I spent the next few hours working before departing for a 4 year olds birthday party. I'd questioned if my attendance was really necessary because surely I could find something [read: anything] better to do than watch brats run around but oh how wrong I was. Don't think I've been to a 4 year olds birthday party since I was... 4 and I'd forgotten that the whole thing is basically just an excuse to sit in the kitchen and eat sugary sugar covered in sugar. Awesome.
Headed for home after that [sadly] concluded and immediately returned to gardening. This time attacking the largest section, one I've been avoiding for months due to the incredible concentration of weeds which conceal an even more incredible concentration of dog turds. Once they were gone it was time to mulch and then rush out the door to unsuccessfully attempt to solve some home networking issues for a mate. The 15 minute drive home was spent coming up with reasons why I wouldn't be going to a lame Christmas carol thing planned for that night. Honestly couldn't think of a worse hell than sitting in a park listening to songs about reindeer when there's a very comfortable place to lie down in front of a TV. And that's what I did... house to myself. Bliss.
If you actually managed to read through all that and are now harbouring resentment towards me please don't be discouraged. What you'll find below is one of the better updates in the history of updates. So let's get on with things. Check it...
Intriguing - Festive Hotties - Thong Heaven - Celebrity Busts - Footy Hunnies - Sweet Butts - Beach Babes - Cam Slut
Smooth Choon - Wow Brunettes! - Killer Bod - Lohan Cans - Miley Cleav - Dude WTF! - Classy Slag - Freaky Sex
Topless Poms - Amazing BJ - Little Help? - Fucked Up - Eat Cum - Tiny Teen - Gook Hater - Horny Bitch - Bizarro
A nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man wearing a turban who was eating some fresh shrimp. Every time he ate one he spat the tail at her and she had to throw it out the window.
Eventually she got pissed off and pulled the emergency cord. The turban wearing Muslim looked at her and said "You'll get fined $250 for doing that you stupid Catholic slut. She laughed back and said "When I cry out rape and they smell your fingers, you'll get 10 years, you towel headed camel-fucker".
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Now that India has allowed homosexuality, the first lesbian couple have got married, so congratulations to Sukme Phlaps and Makemeclit Singh.
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Met this girl in the club last night. Soon she's dragging me into a cubicle, sitting me down and straddling me. My instinct soon took over and I did what felt natural... a shit.
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I'm so excited! I'm going to have sex with my new Thai girlfriend for the first time. She even said we could try anal! I don't get why she's making me wash my arse though...
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A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related. This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who drink bottled water, coffee, soda, juice, energy drinks, and shit like that. Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents!
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A husband took his wife to the doctor. "Oh doctor" he said "my wife thinks she's a chicken". The doctor gasped "That's terrible. How long has she been like that? The husband replied "Three years". The doctor was horrified "Three years! Why didn't you bring her to me sooner?" The husband said sheepishly "Because we needed the eggs".
ORSM
VIDEO
INTERESTING [AND COMPLETELY UNVERIFIED] STATS
-There are 400 ways of playing the first move on each side in a game of chess, 197,281 ways of playing the first two moves on each side, an estimated 318,979,564,000 ways of playing the first four moves on each side, and an estimated 169,518,829,100,544,000,000,000,000,000 ways of playing the first ten moves on each side.
-In the year 8,000 B.C., there were only 5 million people on Earth. Four thousand years later, the population had only risen by 2 million people, to 7 million people. Nowadays, Earth's population rises by 2 million roughly every nine days.
-Worldwide, around 265 people are born every minute and 115 people die, for a net increase in population of 150 people every minute.
-The current population of Earth is over 7,000,000,000. Around 1900 there were only 1,600,000,000 people, meaning that Earth's population has more than quadrupled in slightly over 100 years' time.
-The average American spends 18% of his or her income on transportation, and only 13% on food.
-In a game of bridge, there are 53,644,737,765,488,792,839,237,440,000 possible ways in which the cards can be dealt.
-On August 18, 1913, on an unbiased roulette wheel at Monte Carlo, evens came up 26 times in a row. The probability of this occurring is 1 in 136,823,184.
-The typical person breathes 370,000 cubic metres of air in their lifetime.
-Thirteen per cent of the world's population lives in deserts, which account for about one-third of the Earth's land surface.
-Only 1% of the population has a 'genius' IQ, one of 140 or higher.
-Over 88% of the world's population lives north of the Equator.
-In 1985, NASA estimated that the probability of an accident occurring to the space shuttle was 1 in 100,000. However, on January 28, 1986, only the 25th shuttle launch, Challenger exploded after take-off, killing all seven astronauts aboard, and on February 1, 2003, the 113rd mission, Columbia exploded on re-entry, again killing all seven astronauts. Earlier estimates by other groups had estimated the probability as being closer to 1 in 100, a probability that seems more reasonable.
-Half of the people killed by bombs are those trying to make or set the bombs.
-In a study of 3,000 people who made New Year's resolutions in 2007, only 12% stuck to them. The resolution with the greatest chance of success was 'to enjoy life more'.
-In 1936, Literary Digest magazine polled 10 million people (more people than in any previous survey prior to a presidential election) using the telephone and its mailing list to try to predict the outcome of the United States presidential election. Their results indicated that Alf Landon would defeat Franklin Roosevelt by a margin of 370 electoral votes to 161; however, in the election, Landon was trounced by Roosevelt by a margin of 523 electoral votes to 8, at the time the largest landslide in a presidential election. The problem with the survey was that, during the Great Depression, telephones and magazine subscriptions were luxuries that not everyone could afford. Those who could afford such luxuries tended to vote Republican, but the voting public in general was more inclined to vote Democrat.
-In 1938, a United States presidential commission concluded that the nation's population would never reach 140 million. The population exceeded that figure only eight years later.
-The chances of winning a lottery in which six numbers are drawn from 49 is 1 in 13,983,816. In a lottery in which seven numbers are drawn from 49, the odds of winning are 1 in 85,900,584.
-The number of television sets in American homes increased around 10,000% between 1947 and 1952.
-The South American country of Suriname consists of about 23% Catholics, 25% Protestants, 20% Muslims, and 27% Hindus. As well, many of the native people practise traditional animism, a population of former black slaves whose ancestors escaped into the rainforest practiCe an African syncretic faith, and its Chinese community practises Buddhism, Taoism, and Confucianism.
-In Uganda, 50% of the population is under 15 years of age.
-For every 100,000 girls, 223 will become doctors and 17,475 will become nurses.
-Around 40% of murders occur during arguments.
-100 people a year choke to death on ball-point pens.
-In 1662, John Graunt, a London merchant, published the first set of actuarial tables in his book Observations on the Bills of Mortality. Graunt provides many interesting statistics regarding causes of deaths in London in 1632. Seven people are listed as being murdered, 10 people as having died from cancer, and no specific mention is made of heart ailments. On the other hand, 13 people are listed as having died from 'planet', 38 from 'king's evil', and 98 from 'rising of the lights'. Possibly the saddest statistic, however, is that out of 9,535 deaths that year, infants made up 2,268 of them, over 23%.
-A 1947 study found that during the Second World War, only about 15 to 25 per cent of the American infantry ever fired their rifles in combat.
-A group of researchers counted the number of troubles in the world, and came up with a total of 2,653.
-In 1997, US News & World Report surveyed readers as to whether they believed that various well-known figures were 'very likely' or 'somewhat likely' to go to heaven. More people (87%) picked themselves as being likely to get into heaven than anyone else, ahead of people such as Mother Teresa (second place, 79%) or Oprah Winfrey (third place, 66%).
-One's lifetime risk of dying due to living with a smoker is 1 in 4,200. Getting struck by lightning over the course of a lifetime is more likely, with odds of 1 in 3,000.
-Over 50% of people who win the lottery jackpot return to work.
-In 1915, the average American worker earned $687 yearly; however, there were 44 families that year with an income of $1,000,000 or greater and 1,598 families with an income between $100,000 and $1,000,000.
-Around 1,900,000,000 Christmas cards are given in the United States of America yearly, making it the largest card-sending occasion in the country. The second-largest is Valentine's Day, with approximately 192 million cards being given.
-In 1915, when 100 million people lived in the United States of America, there were 6.5 million farms. In 2006, when 300 million people lived in the United States of America, there were only 2.1 million farms.
| SIMONA LOVES IT IN EVERY HOLE |
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FIVE SEXUAL TECHNIQUES TO DRIVE HER WILD
#1: WET HANDS
Yep, it is the wet hands technique. Certainly one of the most popular among most women polled for this article. So simple. So exciting. You will leave her breathless.
-Fill the kitchen sink up with hot water and add a few drops of a scented dish liquid. Not too many, you don't want it to be harsh. There are many very nice scents out now, from vanilla and lavender to grapefruit. It is completely up to you.
-With a soft cloth in your hands plunge your hands into the water and get the cloth very wet.
-Now, moving slowly and gently place a dish in the water and rub the cloth across the surface of it... over and over again.
-Place the dish in clean rinse water and repeat until she is moaning with pleasure.
#2: VIBRATE ME BABY
This technique utilises what many women think of as toys… it is a little more difficult and takes a little more muscle. Extra credit on this one if you wear a black 'wife beater' shirt at the same time. Are you man enough?
- Carefully pull the vacuum out of where it has been stored. You know you want to.
-Plug it in and push all the right buttons.
- Slowly move back and forth and back and forth across the carpet, you will know when to move to a new spot.
-Move to the next spot and repeat as long as it takes to get results.
#3: THE WET T SHIRT GAME
This game is pretty easy, although you will have to think quickly while in the midst of gettin' your game on. If you can handle the amount of agitation and vibration in the first few minutes you will be okay until the end.
- You will need two piles... no I did not say poles, I said piles.
-Put everything white and light coloured in one and everything dark coloured in the other.
-Fill the washing machine with warm water and laundry soap (this is imperative... use the amount suggested by the manufacturer).
-Add the light pile. Close the lid.
-Write her a love letter about how great her eyes are while you are waiting for it to finish.
-Repeat with the dark colours except use cold water.
-Quick note: If your wife is screaming "Yes! Yes! Yes!" Don't stop what you are doing... that is called domesticus interruptus and it really is frustrating for women.
#4: WHAT GOES UP MUST COME DOWN
This is best used as a quickie, whether in the middle of the night or during a chaotic afternoon. She can't say no to this.
-When you put the toilet seat up, put it back down.
-Every time.
#5: TONIGHT IT'S ORAL GRATIFICATION
I know... I know... you almost can't take any more verbal titillation. Good thing this is a short list. This last one is amazing. It is incredible... it definitely saves the best for last. This one will take some time to master. Work on it while using other techniques several times a week and then just expose your big secret to her when she least expects it. If you already know this technique you should be using it to its full potential by adding to your repertoire of tricks.
-Learn to cook a whole meal.
-When she has had a particularly rough day run her a bath, preferably aromatic with LUSH bath stuff.
-While she is bathing fix your incredible dinner (hot dogs and popcorn does not count)
-While she is still relaxed from the bath and satiated with dinner proceed to technique #1.
ORSM
VIDEO
THE CITY OF LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM
1. Johnny has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Johnny attempt before he has to reload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
3. Rufus pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?
4. Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he have to steal to have $900?
6. Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?
Extra credit bonus: How much more time will he get for killing the ho that spent his money?
7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint free?
8. Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?
9. Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a boa constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the boa on one week's income?
10. Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked?
| TIME TO HIT THE BEACH |
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An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels. When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.
She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast". The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the manager.
The manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use". 'But I didn't use them" she said. ''Well, they are here, and you could have" explained the Manager. He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said.
"But I didn't go to any of those shows" she said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied. No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied "But I didn't use it!" The manager was unmoved so she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to the manager.
The manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this cheque is only made out for £50.00".
"That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me" she replied. "But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised manager. "Well too bad, I was here, and you could have".
| IT'S NOT A BEER BELLY... YOU'RE JUST A FATTY... |
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READER MAIL
Had to show some restraint putting RM together today. Tonnes of submissions to get through which means some quality reading for you guys.
Got something cool you wanna share? Some wisdom to impart? Pics of your tasty girlfriend? Pics of a cunty ex? Pics of your delishus tata's? Messed up videos? A funny joke? An unfunny joke? A big 'Fuck you Orsm'? Random pictures? A golden ticket? Herpes? Send them my way! Send them ALL my way! With some luck they'll will end up on this very page and be seen by millions for years to come. All you must do is click here and send, send send!
Holteender wrote:
Subject: A dailymail.co.uk article from Scott
Hi Orsm. You posted a vid of a person in london voicing her racial opinions. This might even things up a bit. White girl attacked by 3 muslims girls whilst shouting 'yeah! Kill the white slag.' Muslim girl gang who kicked young woman in the head while yelling 'kill the white slag' escape jail after judge hears 'they weren't used to drinking because of their religion'. The group – three sisters and a cousin – allegedly set upon Rhea Page as she waited for a taxi in Leicester city centre with her boyfriend. Full Story. |
David wrote:
Subject: Crocodile and Peroni
For the unilingual, the wording on the case of Peroni is a bit off: Per Noi translates to "For We" and should probably have been intended to mean "For Us". Re the big croc, that is an example of forced perspective. Careful use of aperture and exposure along with an item for scale (the people) in the background can make a small item in the foreground appear bigger than it really is. Cheers Fella. |
Matt wrote:
Subject: female drummer
Hey guy, I seen the link you had for the "tasty drummer", she's good and all(and pretty cute as well), but she's nothing compared to this chick. I don't know if you can post it or not but I'm throwing it at ya anyways.
Blonde chick goes harder and therefore would be better in bed. -Orsm |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: More of Caitlin, the hot (and talented) blonde drummer..
Hey Orsm, thanks for the great site content. I enjoyed the hot blonde drummer clip last week enough to check out whether there was any other decent footage of her. Sure enough there was, her speeded up cover of a Backstreet Boys song makes for pleasurable viewing and man, she's got drumming talent. Gotta love the Internet! Here and here.
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helbz wrote:
Subject: picture
Hi Orsm. Here is a picture that has a guy hidden in it, some find him straight away some never do, but he is definately in there ! Maybe one for random shite with the hidden one first and click next and BAM there he is! Just an Idea!
Solution here. -Orsm |
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Tom wrote:
Subject: Occupy movement
Recaptioning the Occupy Ports pics from the paper; you choose the funniest. This is what that cop had to be thinking!
Pretty hot for a hipster. -Orsm |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Unfortunate camera angle
This was the headline pic on the ABC Internet news site today. No deets please. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Can you see her 'v-dub bonnet' ?
Again hold the deets please. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Cocks on show
Withold deets please
Similar pic in last weeks RS. -Orsm |
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The Rev wrote:
Subject: Picasso meets Ted Bundy
not sure whats funnier... the drawings, the deranged mind of the artist or the look of horror on the faces of the "victims" who have had the honour of his virtual pencil..... my fave changes every time i look at them... great work.... Hail Satan.
Have had some of these before. -Orsm |
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Tom wrote:
Subject: Crappy jobs
I think this is excellent inter-continental advertising for these crappy specialty services. |
Tom wrote:
Subject: Stupid bridge
This is a Carlos Calatravas-[Calatravesty] designed bridge, inspired by what I think was a set of Chinese finger cuffs; a 25 million dollar footbridge, a year overdue, and another 7 million overbudget. It was initially inspected and the welds were found to be substandard; now the hated "Peace Bridge" spans the Bow River in Canadas' Cultural Capital for 2011, Calgary, Alberta, and still isn't open to pedestrian traffic. What a whopping huge load of crap. |
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Ilusch wrote:
Subject: Random Fucker Bus
Yeah Orsm, I think you might enjoy this littler Fucker I saw in Germany :) Thanks for all the Updates! Cheers. |
Martin wrote:
Subject: You can get anything at TESCO's!
Hey Orsm! Been following your site from Blighty for years; inspirational! Anyways, as a first time contributor, here is my offering. looks like they won't stop at anything! Cheers |
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xitz wrote:
Subject: Rena photos
Hi Folks. Asked a friend to email me these photos from a mate of his working on the Rena !The containers on the stern were the first to be taken off after the oil had been removed. Refrigerated containers were particularly dangerous as the meat had decomposed so badly, methane gas virtually exploded the containers, and all the carcases, meat and stuff inside, dropped onto the decks of the barges. It is considered a "biohazard" and is very, very smelly. You can smell it three miles away. some containers we put on have maggots dripping out the doors. How they got in there, who knows. |
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Kel wrote:
Subject: Most beautiful Asian
Yomi Kim Hunter. This beauty is half Korean half American. YOMI KIM WAS VOTED THE PRETTIEST MAN IN ASIA. YES, SHE IS A MAN ! Ruined every man's day!!!!! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Cunt of an ex
First time contributor. Long time viewer. This chick and I went out for awhile. I got sick and went into the hospital. While I was in the hospital she dumped me over a text message. Thanks man. Don't show my info please.
Also a dude...? -Orsm |
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Steven wrote:
Subject: Minature Wonderland in Hamburg, Germany
Miniatur Wunderland (German for Miniature Wonderland) in Hamburg, Germany, the largest HO scale model railway in the world, and one of the most successful tourist attractions in Germany. On the 1.300 m² large layout, far more than ten thousands train carriages, aircrafts, cars and ships move about... plus 300,000 lights, 215,000 trees, and 200,000 human figurines. A wonder of the world in miniature. |
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Dan wrote:
Subject: More pix
More pix from 1995 Florida model....hide my info & thanks! |
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Hank wrote:
Subject: panos
west coast of Scotland panos
In case you missed them - previous parts can be found here, here, here and here. -Orsm |
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MICL wrote:
Subject: Pictures of a scottish chick i was fucking :)
alright ORSM big fan of the website, been for years! Heres some pictures of a dirty scottish chick I was fucking. Shes a fucking slut so i'm sure she won't mind :)
Rough. -Orsm |
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Kel wrote:
Subject: PLANES
Beautiful Babes of WWII... |
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Will wrote:
Subject: Britains housing crises sorted...!!!
Be sure to look at all the pictures! Just in case you are thinking about or looking for a new home. The fastest and most inexpensive way to build a house! |
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Brett wrote:
Subject: Another Toy Story
Hi Mr Orsm, Thought you may like this as Its my latest vid.Cheers [Youtube link here] |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Awkward dick to dick touchdown celebration
Hmmm, felt uncomfortable watching this.. .Sunday night NFL game 12/11/11. please keep submission info private. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pilot's Eye View
A while back I sent you some pictures from the Sun N Fun airshow in Florida. Well being a pilot I get to do some cool things from time to time. Here's a video of my latest spin around the block... Not often you get the pilot's eye view! Cheers and keep my identity a secret for now! [Youtube link here] |
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ORSM VIDEO
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before realising there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun "it's a soap dispenser!".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells... "Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!!"
| BRANDY TALORE FUCKS LIKE A CHAMPION |
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A stranger was seated next to a blonde on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger".
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger "What would you like to talk about?" "Oh I don't know" said the stranger "How about nuclear power?" and he smiles. "OK" she said "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger, surprised by the blonde's intelligence, thinks about it and says "Hmmm, I have no idea..." To which the blonde replies "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
RANDOM SHITE
Have you ever wondered what the difference between grandmothers and grandfathers is? Well here it is:
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a morning available when he would take his 7-year old granddaughter for a drive in the car for some bonding time - just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Sunday, however, he had a bad cold and just wanted to stay in bed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out in the car. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see how her grandfather was.
"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" "It was great, grandpa" the girl replied "and do you know what...? We didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, fuckwit, dick-head, Asian prick or wanker anywhere today!"
| HOT EURO TRASH: SIMONE STYLE |
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"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl". The priest asks "Is that you, little Franky Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is". "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation".
"Well, Franky, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say". "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?" "I'll never tell". "Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her". "Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed". "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you".
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped and I admire that". "But you've sinned and have to atone". "You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months". "Now you go and behave yourself".
Franky walks back to his pew, and his friend Joey slides over and whispers "What'd you get?" "Four months' vacation and five good leads!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Done. Ta Da! Do please do yourself a favour and read the following. It'll avoid that awkward moment when I have to break you fingers...
- Check out the site archives. They're where the good stuff is at.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Last one for the year - fuck yeah!
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET and whatever you do don't call my friend Ray 'white trash' or he'll block you on Live Messenger.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and be excellent to eachother. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2011.12.08-20.06 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Coffee's for closers.
Brutal week. Much to do despite much being done. I'm tired, irritable and undoubtedly a pleasure to be around. Can't quite figure how I messed up my routine so badly compared to earlier in the year - every morning would start with 90 minutes of exercise, bed well before midnight every day and the update would at the absolute latest be wrapped by 6pm. At the moment I struggle to find half an hour for a morning stroll, rarely see sleep before 1am and escaping the house in time to do anything on a Thursday night is all but a distant memory. The stupid thing is I actually need to crank up the hours spent staring deadly into my monitor for a month or two to catch up and hopefully get far enough ahead that I can reclaim some of my life. More now, less later. Unfortunately there's no chance in hell of that happening this year so as each day passes so does hope for a chilled out January. I have a real First World problem here.
I put the call out this time last year for you guys to recommend me some games. Always try and find a day or two over the holidays to sit around in my underwear and play the shit out of something. MW3 seems to be all the rage right now which is a shame because the consensus last time was Call of Duty which I didn't love. By far the best game I've dedicated serious hours to [since the last Half Life came and went] was Prototype and with the sequel still five months away it appears unlikely I'll be playing it over the break. Anyway, suggestions go here.
Watch now as I casually segue into some sort of breakdown of other events pertaining to my life for the last seven days. Friday... one thing I haven't done since moving out of home way back when is put up a Christmas tree. My job was to buy the lights which took two attempts because "300 isn't enough". We assembled and decorated the oversized fire hazard that afternoon, all the while biting my tongue despite important things like TV and couches being relocated to make space. Ultimately it was a fight I would never win. Staying true to ten or twelve years of tradition we hit a community fair that evening. It's like most community fairs - a sideshow alley, some boring craft stuff, screaming brats, scantily dressed tweens and overpriced greasy food. The highlight by far is the fireworks show. Okay so it may be a bit lame getting excited about fireworks but it was honestly one of the best I've ever seen. You're sitting almost directly underneath the action making it all the more enjoyable and they went blitzkrieg this time turning night into day. Literally didn't know where to look as endless deafening explosions filled the sky and ground.
Early start the next day to head off on a bike ride but was again thwarted by a puncture so settled on walking the pooch. From there it was a quick grocery run, home to pre-prepare some food for Xmas [kill me now] and out the door to go go-kart racing for a mates bucks party. Great idea however due to a cunting problematic shoulder I instead sat trackside and spent an hour swatting plague proportion flies away. We reconvened that evening at a city pub to do some drinking, hit another shit hole pub surprisingly full of incredibly hot girls, a club full of creepy guys and skanky strippers and finally onto the same bar that the hens were tearing it up at. Had an awesome time but thankfully exit came around 1am - battled substantial pressure and seized the opportunity of friends leaving to save myself from a night that may never have ended otherwise...
Very slow start on a very warm Sunday. When I did get up it was back in the kitchen bitch-style to roast up some meat ahead of a family lunch, aka the final family Xmas commitment. This because all but one other of my immediate family will be away, leaving me free to perhaps enjoy the day unimpeded by madness. We'll see. Arrived home late afternoon after a cruise down the coast with some time to kill so decided to get on the bike and make up for the distinct lack of exercise all weekend. Took a completely different route than usual only to learn the further north you go, the stupider the pedestrians. Ring the bell once - no reaction. Again - no reaction. Ring constantly - no fucking reaction. I need a car horn... or better still, a car.
Okay enough of the narcissistic blogging and social commentary. Let's move on to bigger and better things. I don't want to oversell it but I have no doubt today's update will satisfy on every possible and even some levels you weren't aware existed but like I said - not to oversell it. Check it...
Wonder Putt - Insanely Immersive - Celeb Nipples - Wolf Mystery - Jessica's Cleav - Animals - Incesty - Teen Babe
Punch Robert 2 - Ecstasy Pussy - Broken Boob - Frisky Couple - Bossy Biatch - Drugs Rock - Came Buckets
Androgynous - Insanely Hot - Hawt Bikini's - Mo-Hammered - Mum I'm Gay - So Graceful - Humiliation - A Bit Gassy
I spotted a fat chick burning it up on the dance floor in the club last night so I went over. "Fancy going for a few drinks somewhere a little quieter?" I winked. "Oh yes definitely" she giggled. "Thanks" I replied. "You're making me and the guys a little sick".
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I was having a shit in the train toilet today when some bloke knocked on the door. He said "Can I see your ticket please?" "Not right now" I shouted "I'm having a shit!" He said "I don't believe you, can you pass it under the door?" "No problem" I said sliding it under "The yellow bits are sweet corn".
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Apparently if you cut the trunk and count the rings, it will tell you how old it is. The one I checked was only 2 years. Poor elephant.
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"You're not going to believe this Mrs Stebbins" I said to my patient as she came round from her anaesthetic. "Your little boy was born at 11 minutes past 11 on the 11th of the 11th 2011". "That's absolutely incredible!" she said, sitting up in her bed. "I know, it's just uncanny" I replied. "If only he'd survived you could've made a fortune on the chat show circuit".
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Angry wife on phone to her husband: "Where the hell are you?" Husband: "Darling, remember that jewellery shop where you saw the diamond and totally fell in love with it, but I didn't have the money at the time to buy it and said one day it will be yours?" Wife: "With a smile blushing, yes I remember that my love..". Husband: "Well, I'm in the pub next to that shop!"
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Before Paddy goes to war, he fits a chastity belt on his wife. He locks it and gives the key to his best friend Fergus. "If I'm not back within 4 years, open and enjoy". He hops on his horse and hits the road. A half an hour later he notices a dust cloud behind him. He stops and sees that it is Fergus. "What's wrong?" he asks. Out of breath, Fergus answers. "It's the wrong key!"
ORSM
VIDEO
[MORE] SIMPLE TIPS FOR A HAPPY LIFE
-Save electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.
-Climb onto your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He'll think his house is underwater.
-Motorists. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.
-Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
-Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
-Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.
-An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
-Sweet corn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.
-Pretend you're a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.
-Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.
-Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
-Truck drivers. When climbing a long hill at 20kmh, the lane to drive in is the LEFT fucking one.
-Drill a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.
-Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
-Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
-Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
-When reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists.
-Bus drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.
-Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhoea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
-When throwing someone a sharp instrument such as a Stanley knife, or bread knife, always throw it blade first as they invariably tend to turn whilst in the air.
-Taxi drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where you're going.
-Increase the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.
-Take your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.
-Save on charity donations by spending a dollar on clothes at a charity shop, then selling them for 50 cents to another charity shop. This way you can give twice as much, at half the cost.
-Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place.
-Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.
-Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.
-Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
-People whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.
| IRENE HAS A TIGHT LITTLE HOLE |
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A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago" the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing" the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive".
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man. "Will you spend this on greens' fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Well" said the man "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife". The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting". The man replied "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, sex and golf".
ORSM
VIDEO
7 REASONS NOT TO MESS WITH CHILDREN
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. It was physically impossible. The little girl said "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied "Then you ask him".
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God". The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like". Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute".
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill".
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white". The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, "There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer," or "That's Michael, he's a doctor". A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead".
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face". "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty".
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching". Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note "Take all you want. God is watching the apples".
| WANT TO WATCH YOU SHOWER |
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John takes his dog for a walk. After a while he gets thirsty so he ties his dog to a parking meter in front of a bar and goes in for a couple of beers. After he has been there for an hour or so the local policeman enters the bar. "Whose dog is tied up out front?" John responds "That's my dog. Is there a problem officer?" "Well she's in heat" says the cop. "Oh she'll be all right. It's shady out there".
"That's not what I mean. Your dog needs bred". "I gave her a half of a loaf this morning. She's fine".
At this point the policeman is becoming a little upset. "Listen fellow. You don't seem to understand what I am talking about. That dog needs to be screwed". "Go right ahead officer, I've always wanted a police dog".
| IMPROVISED FIXES - CLEVER OR STUPID? |
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READER MAIL
Got something cool you wanna share? Some wisdom to impart? Pics of your tasty girlfriend? Pics of a cunty ex? Pics of your delishus tata's? Messed up videos? A funny joke? An unfunny joke? A big 'Fuck you Orsm'? Random pictures? A golden ticket? Herpes? Send them my way! Send them ALL my way! With some luck they'll will end up on this very page and be seen by millions for years to come. All you must do is click here and send, send send!
David wrote:
Subject: Demolition and racism
Hey Dude, The tower demolition took place a few kays from mine: heard the bang, shook the windows! Racist girl was arrested and charged. The Ice Woman goeth. Goeth away for a long time! |
Justin wrote:
Subject: Julia Gillard
What we always suspected ......
Got this several times. Unfortunately untrue. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: facebook ooops!
this is a friend of mine... why didnt i hit that when i had the chance? "be aware of the dangers of uploading pics to facebook from your cellphone..." please hid the details.
Why can't any of my hot FB friends do this...? -Orsm |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Caravan signage
From west wyalong nsw. Hide my details and stuff
Because caravans aren't cool. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Peroni
Marketing fail
Looks like someone was drunk at the bottling plant. -Orsm |
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Jason wrote:
Subject: Emailing
This is old news but still funny.
I don't ever want a girl who can do that... or do I...? -Orsm |
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Brad wrote:
Subject: garden
The shit you can write with a brush cutter in long grass. Cheers
Points for creativity. -Orsm |
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xitz wrote:
Subject: big
BIG ..... you call that big, well just hand your eyes on this one. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Sent from my Verizon Wireless 4GLTE smartphone. Please hide the details.
She seems to have done that before. -Orsm |
John wrote:
Subject: Holy Smoke.
Cremate your loved ones then pack them into bullets.
For $1,250, they'll cram one pound of incinerated leftovers of your dead loved one into a nice load of ammo, which you can later use to shoot off using your favorite over/under double barrel shotgun or rifle! One pound of human ash plus your bereaved cash will yield 250 shotgun shells, 100 rifle cartridges, or 250 pistol cartridges. And if that isn't enough, you could also order especially handcrafted and labeled decorative boxes, which can be used as storage for the bullets and cartridges. Now, you can continue to protect your home and family even after you are gone. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ahoy my ORSM friend
Here are a few pix of a model I photographed on my balcony in Dec 1995......... I will forward more next week inc some R rated Xmas shots...... hold my info please & keep up the GREAT work! |
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Austin wrote:
Subject: Rescue
Cliffhanger! Lion cub saved by mum in dramatic scenes caught on camera as he cries out pitifully for help. His mother arrives at the edge of the precipice with three other lionesses and a male. The females start to clamber down together but turn back daunted by the sheer drop.Eventually one single factor determines which of them will risk her life to save the youngster – motherly love. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: MORE PICS OF THE SAME SLUT I SENT LAST MONTH :)
found some more pics of that slut i caught cheating. sent pictures of her back at the beggining of november and you posted em, and well i figured id send you some more.... if you like em i got plenty! im only keeping her face out because i just cant drop that low. have fun with her guys she wanted to be used so thats what she gets. withhold info please! heres about 15 pics! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Dude I caught ranking
Drivin in capalaba in qld and looked down out of my truck and seen this dude rubbin one out and had to film it or no one would beleive me haha .. Pls don't show my details
We may finally need a law that bans masturbating whilst driving. Saftey aside, no one wants to see that. -Orsm |
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Kel wrote:
Subject: Only in Perth
Too funny not to pass this one on.
"How are ya CUNTstable?" -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Lost mobile phone
Hi. I am from South Africa. I enjoy the site very much. The following is of a couple from Port Elizabeth!! A friend of mine popped in at the office one day said he picked up a mobile phone and trying to find out who's it was he came across the attached video!!! Use it if you want. Regards
... thus proving not everyone looks good having sex. -Orsm |
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Hamish wrote:
Subject: "Windows Technical Support"
Mr Orsm, On average I get 2-3 phone calls per week from "Windows Support" telling me I have a virus etc etc. Some days I have no patience, and just hang up, other days I act dumb and keep them on the line because I cannot find the Start button or I do not know how to turn the computer on. My record is
about 45 minutes, but that is a story for another day. Never bothered trying to record, although admittedly I would have some pretty interesting conversations by now... Gave it a crack today after
things turned nasty for the first time. The recording is only the tail end of the phone call, after I was passed onto the 2nd girl for another round of abuse. Basically this time I was quite busy, so I listened to his little spiel to start off with, then told him I thought he was full of s**t and asked for his phone number... from there I was called every name under the sun, then told he would f**k my girlfriend and daughter, he asked for their phone numbers, told me he was my daddy. I was then passed over to a girl, who told me I was a motherf**ker, and passed onto another girl which is where the recording kicks in - I started to play very dumb/simple after running out of ideas, and asked her to be my girlfriend. Enjoy! |
Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!
I was on a plane to Switzerland with my wife. Halfway through the flight, a man jumped out of his seat and pulled out a gun. "This is a hijack!" he screamed. "If anyone makes a move, I'll kill 'em!"
My wife held my hand for comfort. I looked into her eyes, smiled, and then pushed her into the aisle. The hijacker shot her in the head, before being wrestled to the ground by a couple of passengers.
Everyone on the plane looked at me in disbelief at what I had just done.
I said "Before you ask, we were on our way to the Dignitas clinic for an assisted suicide, so I did us all a favour".
After a few moments silence, an air hostess said, "Well... I suppose her suffering is over now. Was she in a lot of pain?" "No, she was fine" I replied. "I'm the one who's dying. I just wanted one last laugh before I go".
ORSM VIDEO
There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend. And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass.
Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time. "Shawn" said Pat "can you hear me?" Faintly, Shawn replied "Yes, Paddy, I can". Bashfully Pat started "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?" "Yes, I do Patty" Shawn strained. "And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Pat. "Yes Patty, I do" whispered Shawn. "It's a very 'old' bottle now, you know" urged Pat. "And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly. "Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?"
| SERGIO DROPS IT DEEP INTO RILEY |
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Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the belting of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said "What a beautiful baby". The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie". Johnnie said "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes" the mother replied "we are so thankful. The Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision". "That's great" said Little Johnnie "coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses".
RANDOM SHITE
Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training. After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah Pierre" asks one "'ow 'av you been doing?" "Merde!" answers Pierre. "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and onto ze parade ground". "And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate.
"I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform five ft off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!" "And did you jurmp?" asks his mate. "I did not. I told 'im 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'". "And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.
"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said 'Jurmp'". "And did you jurmp?" asks his mate. "I did not. I told 'im 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'". "What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.
"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un'undred feet above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and 'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!'" "Sacre Bleu, mon ami" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?" "A leetle, at ze beginning".
| JAMIE HUXLEY IS DELISH |
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An Arab needed a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arises. Because the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the call went out to a number of countries. Finally, a Jew was located who had the same blood type and who was willing to donate his blood to the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a thank-you card for giving his blood along with an expensive diamond and a new Rolls Royce car as a token of his appreciation. Unfortunately, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery once again. His doctors called the Jew who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a Thank You card and a box of Almond Roca sweets. The Jew was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not acknowledge the Jew's kind gesture in the same way as he had done the first time. So he phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not a very generous manner. The Arab replied "You forget, I have Jewish blood in me now!"
ORSM
VIDEO
And that folks is update #49 for 2011 done and dusted. 16 more sleeps until Christmas, 23 more days until the New Year and it all starts over again. Boo.
- Check out the site archives. They're so big they have their own currency and system of parliament plus some other cool things you'll only see by checking them out.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Same bat-time, same bat-channel.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will, as a matter of course, destroy something you love.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't be such a dick. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2011.12.01-19.27 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Welcome to Orsm.net. December already...? What's next? Easter?
Some random asked me the other day "What part of Britain are you from?" "Huh?" "Your accent...?" My instinct was to ask what part of ugly she was from but it isn't the first time I've been asked this offensive question, has happened several times over the last year or so and is especially odd on account of not being a Pom and never having been to England or Europe or whatever. So now I wonder if I'm just a pompous wanker and it's being reflected in speech [and blog] or is it simply a result of watching too much English TV?
I'm just going to jump straight in to all things week and weekend related... one which was insanely jam packed and not nearly as restful as it probably should have been. As soon as one task or whatever was done it was immediately on to the next. Annoyingly, shit has been that way for a while. I'm actually surprised with my energy level. In the past I would have clapped out but generally seem to be handling anything that comes at me lately. Anyway the weekend more or less kicked off Friday morning with a coffee date and transgressed into a whole bunch of boring errand type stuff including one of life's larger head fucks. With a modified living arrangement underway it was decided to combine health insurance so off we went to the three or four major providers trying to suss out who had the best deal. The consultants seem intent to baffle with bullshit which never works for me [unless I'm trying not to tell someone I run a porn site for a living]. End result - cheapest wins.
Hit the pub later with the boys then out to dinner with another bunch of friends ahead of seeing a comedian. Apparently he's on TV or something but until 30 before the show I'd never heard of him. Don't think I've ever been to a comedy show come to think of it. I mean... I'm so funny there never seemed much point and that could explain why I barely cracked a smile for the entire 75 minutes. It could also be that I couldn't relate to a single thing he crapped on about OR because musical comedy just doesn't work. Live and learn.
Saturday began a lot like other recent Saturdays that began with a punishing bike ride. Managed over 27 kilometres which is a new PB. Hopefully 30 will be broken before the year is out. I had a choice that day between a bingo event and gardening. Funnily enough it wasn't a very hard decision and by later that afternoon the garden was looking markedly better. Shit was pruned, hacked, blown, swept, chipped, sprayed plus a whole bunch of other words meant to indicate a high level of productivity and subsequent accomplishment.
The evening was supposed to be a quiet one hanging with a mate but a last minute ball invite shut that down. I love balls. There's just something about them. Admittedly this is probably all to do with the unlimited alcohol... speaking of which - beer in 700ml bottles fuck yeah! Found out later that these were supposed to be poured into a glass, not consumed directly from the bottle. I'm a real classy cunt, I am.
After getting some family obligations out of the way first thing Sunday I grabbed the pooch and headed beachward. Usually like to get down early as possible but now realise after 11am is even better, not only is it warmer but apparently that's when hot girls go. Will keep this in mind for future visits. The thing I really wanted to do all weekend, and for that matter for the last however many weekends, was give the car a thorough wash. Everything from the interior to the boot to the underside got some attention, finally restoring my baby to full glory just in time for rain the next day...
Once car was sorted it was off to a friend's place. Mission: move a day bed upstairs. The problem is that the day bed is ginormous, closer to a three-day bed. The plan was to remove a railing in the house which would allow enough wiggle room. An hour later that railing wasn't budging no matter how many sweet nothings where whispered or brute force was applied. So we decided to just try and move the thing anyway. Moments later the plan was abandoned - perhaps surprisingly it turns out that large objects weigh a lot and at least two or three more helpers are going to be needed. Looking forward to the next time we do battle. I shall prevail.
Alright that pretty much covers all the boring stuff. What you guys will find below is an update that in my opinion fucking kicks arse. As was pointed out to me - I've spent just about every waking minute since first thing Monday putting it all together. In other words, go forth and enjoy. Check it...
Go Dummy - She's So Hawt - Breast Messages - Faptastic! - My Balls - Delicious Babes - Discipline - Pussy Rub
Punch Robert - Cornucopia - Gaga Nude - Psycho Boss - Drunk Sluts - Nude Freakout - Cam Whoring - Penetrating
Sara Rue Tits - Sexxxy - Conjoined - Fucktards - Porn Hilarity - Gag Reflex? - Going Nuts - Panties - He To She
My American wife made fun of me because I use the metric system. So I beat her within 2.54 cm of her life.
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I phoned the police the other day. "What's your emergency?" they asked. I said "Two girls are fighting over me" "Okay" she paused "well what's the problem?" "The fat one's winning!"
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Edward walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. "Can I help you, fella?" asks the cop. "Yesssh, ssshombody stol my car!" Edward replies. The cop asks "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It was at the end of this key" Edward replies. At this point the cop looks down to see that Edwards's penis is hanging out of his trousers. The cop asks Edward "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself? Edward looks down sadly and moans, "OHHH GOD... they got Julie too!!"
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I was showing the doctor my badly bruised penis and he asked me how I did it, I told him it was a surfing accident. "Did you fall off your surfboard?" he asked "No" I said "The wife came in and I had to slam the laptop shut!"
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The wife suggested we use some toys in the bedroom to make things more fun. She wasn't too impressed though the ungrateful bitch... three fucking hours it took me to set up that Scalextric.
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This morning i thought I'd play a little joke on my girlfriend so i swapped her tampons with party poppers... absolutely no sense of humour that girl.
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Just got a $175 water bill in the mail. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just $2 a month. Time to change supplier I think.
ORSM
VIDEO
TIPS FROM EMPLOYEES TO MANAGERS
-Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4pm and then bring it in to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
-If it's a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how I am doing. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
-Always leave without telling anyone where you are going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
-If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training.
-If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.
-Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
-If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
-If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
-If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
-Never introduce me to people you are with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
-Be nice to me only when the job I am doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
-Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any, and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
-Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goal SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
| AMELIE GETS DIRTY IN THE KITCHEN |
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A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, since the politician was delayed, the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people".
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived" said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession".
Moral: never, never, ever be late!
ORSM
VIDEO
A Muslim dies and goes up to heaven. He's stopped at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter who says "Sorry, but we don`t allow Muslims into Heaven". "What?" Replies the Muslim "Why Not?" "Well, we just don't".
The Muslim complains and carries on until Saint Peter gets fed up. "Well" says Saint Peter "have you ever done anything good in your life?" "Ummm" the Muslim replies. "Yeah, the other day a lady stopped me on the street collecting for a children's charity so I gave her ten dollars. Last week I donated ten dollars to the Cancer Society and a couple of weeks ago a tramp asked me if I could spare any money so I gave him ten dollars also".
"Alright then" says Saint Peter "let me go and have a quick word with God". Five minutes later Saint Peter returns and says to the Muslim. "Listen, I've spoken with God and he agrees with me so here's your 30 bucks back, now fuck off".
| LOVE ME SOME VAGINA |
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YOGA MAT FOR SALE [USED ONCE]
Yoga mat for sale. Used once at lunch hour class in November 2011. Usage timeline as follows:
11:45am
Register for Bikram Yoga class. Infinite wisdom tells me to commit to 5 class package and purchase a yoga mat. I pay $89.74. Money well spent, I smugly confirm to myself.
11:55am
Open door to yoga room. A gush of hot dry air rushes through and past me. It smells of breath, sweat and hot. Take spot on floor in back of room next to cute blonde. We will date.
11:57am
I feel the need to be as near to naked as possible. This is a problem because of the hot blonde to my left and our pending courtship. She will not be pleased to learn that I need to lose 30 pounds before I propose to her.
11:58am
The shirt and sweats have to come off. I throw caution to the wind and decide to rely on my wit and conditioning to overcome any weight issues my fiancée may take issue with. This will take a lot of wit and conditioning.
11:59am
Begin small talk with my bride to be. She pretends to ignore me but I know how she can be. I allow her to concentrate and stare straight ahead and continue to pretend that I don't exist. As we finish sharing our special moment, I am suddenly aware of a sweat moustache that has formed below my nose. This must be from the all the whispering between us.
12:00pm
Instructor enters the room and ascends her special podium at the front of the room. She is a slight, agitated Chinese woman. She introduces me to the class and everyone turns around to greet me just as I decide to aggressively adjust my penis and testes packed in my under armour. My bride is notably unfazed.
12:02pm
Since I do have experience with Bikram Yoga (4 sessions just 5 short years ago) I fully consider that I may be so outstanding and skilled that my instructor may call me out and ask me to guide the class. My wife will look on with a sparkle in her eye. We will make love after class.
12:10pm
It is now up to 95 degrees in the room. We have been practicing deep breathing exercises for the last 8 minutes. This would not be a problem if we were all breathing actual, you know, oxygen. Instead, we are breathing each other's body odour, expelled carbon dioxide and other unmentionables. (Don't worry, I'll mention them later)
12:26pm
It is now 100 degrees and I take notice of the humidity, which is hovering at about 90%. I feel the familiar adorning stare of my bride and decide to look back at her. She appears to be nauseated. I then realise that I forgot to brush my teeth prior to attending this class. We bond.
12:33pm
It is now 110 degrees and 95% humidity. I am now balancing on one leg with the other leg crossed over the other. My arms are intertwined and I am squatting. The last time I was in this position was 44 years ago in the womb, but I'm in this for the long haul. My wife looks slightly weathered dripping sweat and her eyeliner is streaming down her face. Well 'for better or worse' is what we committed to so we press on.
12:40pm
The overweight man two spots over has sweat running down his legs. At least I think its sweat. He is holding every position and has not had a sip of water since we walked in. He is making me look bad and I hate him.
12:44pm
I consider that if anyone in this room farted that we would all certainly perish.
12:52pm
It is now 140 degrees and 100% humidity. I am covered from head to toe in sweat. There is not a square millimetre on my body that is not slippery and sweaty. I am so slimy that I feel like a sea lion or a maybe sea eel. Not even a bear trap could hold me. The sweat is stinging my eyeballs and I can no longer see.
12:55pm
This room stinks of asparagus, cloves, tuna and tacos. There is no food in the room. I realise that this is an amalgamation of the body odours of 30 people in a 140 degree room for the last 55 minutes. Seriously, enough with the asparagus, ok?
1:01pm
140 degrees and 130% humidity. Look, bitch, I need my space here so don't get all pissy with me if I accidentally sprayed you with sweat as I flipped over. Seriously, is that where this relationship is going? Get over yourself. We need counselling and she needs to be medicated. Stat!
1:09pm
150 degrees and cloudy. And hot. I can no longer move my limbs on my own. I have given up on attempting any of the commands this Chinese chick is yelling out at us. I will lay sedentary until the aid unit arrives. I will buy this building and then have it destroyed.
I lose consciousness.
1:15pm
I have a headache and my wife is being a selfish bitch. I can't really breathe. All I can think about is holding a cup worth of hot sand in my mouth. I cannot remember what an ice cube is and cannot remember what snow looks like. I consider that my only escape might be a crab walk across 15 bodies and then out of the room. I am paralysed, and may never walk again so the whole crab walk thing is pretty much out.
1:17pm
I cannot move at all and cannot reach my water. Is breathing voluntary or involuntary? If it's voluntary, I am screwed. I stopped participating in the class 20 minutes ago. Hey, lady! I paid for this frickin' class, ok?! You work for me! Stop yelling at everyone and just tell us a story or something. It's like juice and cracker time, ok?
1:20pm
It is now 165 degrees and moisture is dripping from the ceiling. The towel that I am laying on is no longer providing any wicking or drying properties. It is actually placing additional sweat on me as I touch it. My towel reeks. I cannot identify the smell but no way can it be from me. Did someone wipe their arse with my towel or something?
1:30pm
Torture session is over. I wish hateful things upon the instructor. She graciously allows us to stay and 'cool down' in the room. It is 175 degrees. Who cools down in 175 degrees? A Komodo Dragon? My wife has left the room. Probably to throw up.
1:34pm
My opportunity to escape has arrived. I roll over to my stomach and press up to my knees. It is warmer as I rise up from ground level - probably by 15 degrees. So let's conservatively say it's 190. I muster my final energy and slowly rise. One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. Towards the door. Towards the door.
1:37pm
The temperature in the lobby is 72 degrees. Both nipples stiffen to diamond strength and my penis begins to retract into my abdomen from the 100 degree temp swing. I can once again breathe though so I am pleased. I spot my future ex wife in the lobby. We had such a good thing going but I know that no measure of counselling will be able to unravel the day's turmoil and mental scaring.
1:47pm
Arrive at the local smoothie bar and proceed to order extra large beverage. 402 calories, 0 fat and 14 grams of protein - effectively negating any caloric burn or benefit from the last 90 minutes. I finish it in 3 minutes and spend the next 2 hours writing this memoir.
3:47pm
Create Gumtree ad while burning final 2 grams of protein from smoothie and before the 'shakes' consume my body.
4:29pm
Note to self - check car for missing wet yoga towel in am.
| HAVING A BAD DAY...? |
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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!
READER MAIL
With two weeks to catch up on this week's RM is more awesome than I could ever have imagined or hoped.
Got something cool you wanna share? Some wisdom to impart? Pics of your tasty girlfriend? Pics of a cunty ex? Pics of your delishus tata's? Messed up videos? A funny joke? An unfunny joke? A big 'Fuck you Orsm'? Random pictures? A golden ticket? Herpes? Send them my way! Send them ALL my way! With some luck they'll will end up on this very page and be seen by millions for years to come. All you must do is click here and send, send send!
John wrote:
Subject: Microwave bollocks
Some people should move forward from the 1950s and get with the program. No, microwaves don't kill you and mobile phones won't make your dick fall off. There are more than four elements, and fire is not one of them. :D Keep up the good work Mr ORSM. And congrats to you and your lass. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Bill's Got Issues
Long time this, first time that, hide deets.... the usual drill. Just read Bill's little gripe about offical goverment transportation. Apparently, Bill has his head so far up his ass he been re-eating his own shit since he had his first bowl of Cheerios. Whining about millions dollars for buses and just general Presidental transportion that has been used for....how many decades? How about those big $200 million Boeing E-4's? (4 for them, btw, under Nixon) Why do I have a feeling Bill wouldn't say a peep if it was some other guy in office? Hey Bill, remember the LAST guy in office? You want to gripe about reaming the taxpayer, get our fucking $700 BILLION that guy giftwrapped to the banking sector back, since it didn't do the TAXPAYERS a damn bit of good. $1 million Vs. $700 billion. Bill is bad at math and history, and has a bad memory. And for the record, I am a taxpaying American. |
Ben wrote:
Subject: Heli Hunt
Do the math... pigs can breed faster than you can shoot them... unless you use this method. The pilot has a fixed rifle with optics rigged back to his helmet and eye-piece. He doesn't miss, and his scout-chopper flying skills are down pat with the hogs behavior and pack or group running style. I don't know where the chopper hog hunting op is located, but it is clearly West Tejas. This is a long run video, but the hogs get it! I don't see them dropping flags or stakes from the air to ground-mark their kills to find them easily, but I assume they "know" the country or wait for the turkey buzzards to tip them off. The pilot is really good.
As much as I'm a pansy-ass when it comes to killing pretty much any living creature, this looks like fun. -Orsm |
Shane wrote:
Subject: Library notice
Sorry I've been a bit quiet, you know how working in IT can get... |
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Ben wrote:
Subject: IPhone Security
Don't let a two- year-old play with a locked iPhone
Siri, fix your shit. -Orsm |
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Adam wrote:
Subject: My new girlfriends tits.
Greetings mate! Enclosed is a pic of my new girlfriend. She's a real gem and hates wearing clothes. Check out those massive mummeries!!! Shazam!!!
God damn - fucking spectacular. -Orsm |
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dave wrote:
Subject: Thai girls
a pik of the 'shy' girls of soi 7 in Pattaya Thailand
Somewhat ambiguous. -Orsm |
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Bloggs wrote:
Subject: Very Hot
Just for you Mr Orsm. I think this pic is worthy of a place in your great site. Cheers Man. Your loyal subject
Beautiful clam. -Orsm |
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Blindside wrote:
Subject: Kids leaving home later and later.
See? I've even done the caption for you.
32 year old fetus... imagine the stretch marks. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: journalism fail
"Loan wolf" hey? .. I wonder what rates can he offer? |
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Shane wrote:
Subject: Spot The Spelling Mistake
Thought you might like this one for your site.
Proof reading fail. -Orsm |
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junk wrote:
Subject: Where magic lives!
I found this picture and thought it humorous, but due to the overwhelming amount of hotness in it, I don't think many people would stray from looking at the girls to actually see what I thought was funny. So, I added a caption. Enjoy! |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Advert
I think this is some sort of advert, but I cant see what she's advertising. Can you?
Not sure but I'll take two. -Orsm |
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Tom wrote:
Subject: Occupy movement
Got these from the local Sun and doctored them up for you. Enjoy! |
Bill wrote:
Subject: These photos are revealing: Occupy Wall Street vs. Tea Party
The really sad part of this is that each one of these losers votes counts, just like yours. |
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Greg wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Way too much weight ovewr the front of the A trailer
"I meant to do that". -Orsm |
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Gordon wrote:
Subject: Dirty Trick.....
A guy played a practical joke on his brother's trailcam. A few weeks ago they took the memory stick out of his trailcam and added the "Photoshop enhanced" deer in the first picture. It didn't take long for the story and picture of this deer to spread like a wildfire. He was going to let it go on thru the fall, and just keep adding pictures, but he figured he'd better let his brother know that he had been punk'd, as his brother was even telling people that he thought that he'd actually seen this buck standing out in a field. Last week, he added the other pictures to his brother's trailcam. Take note of the date line on all of the pictures. |
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Hank wrote:
Subject: panoramas
group 4 of Scottish Panoramas
Previous pano's in this set are here, here and here. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Oh what a feeeeeelllaahahhhhh crunch
here ya go mr orsm. just got to love it cuz it ant my truck lol. pls hide my details thanks |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Contribution
Hey orsm, thanks for keeping your site in all these years! Time to contribute from my side. Got the chance to fuck that hot girl in early 2011. Submissive and a delightful playtoy :) Feel free to post them ;) Please withheld my details, thanks! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Salesman of the year
Hi. Check out this advertisement on Kijiji: |
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Jd wrote:
Subject: The Electric Car
I Usually don't send this type of message on, but......
I'm deliberately choosing NOT to check this one on Snopes. It's just more fun that way. Also, this file requires Power Point. -Orsm |
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Brett wrote:
Subject: Shocking Real Life Ghost Caught On Tape
Hi Mr Orsm, Here is some footage of our family ghost :-) [Youtube link here]. |
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Butche wrote:
Subject: just right up the street springfield MO usa
word is she was suicidal and had a gun and when put her hand on the trigger.. SO DID HE. |
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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway". The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
ORSM VIDEO
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side".
The vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland. "You are truly a wise Vet" they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?" The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Scotland..."
| BRIE FUCKED TO PERFECTION |
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Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in South Africa. The Mayor of the South African town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard said "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a four-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".
The following year the Spaniard visited the South African town.
He was simply amazed at the South African Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvellous. When he asked how this could be afforded the South African said "You see that bridge over there...?" The Spaniard replied "No".
RANDOM SHITE
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started". Her neighbour asks "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The little silver haired lady says "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster".
Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster". He takes her hand and says "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea and then" he said with a deep sigh.... "and let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box".
| PENNY FLAME - BIT OF A BUTTER FACE BUT THAT'S OKAY |
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A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He says that it can play any musical instrument in the world. Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot.
So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. The guitar man pays up his $50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. This guy pays up his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look.
"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae plae it?" The octopus looks up at him and says "Play it? I'm going to fuck her as soon as I get her pyjamas off!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Well... that's it. Not forever, just until next week. Would you like to know more? Read on...
- Check out the site archives. Every update from now back to the year 2000. I shit you not.
- Next update will be next Thursday. and for the next three Thursdays after that at which point there will be no update for a week or two. Also known as 'fuck yeah'.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will dominate you with his negativity.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ssssssshhhhhh. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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