I know I promised to be done with the travel blogging but......... just kidding. We're done with that and I'm not on a plane any time soon so nothing to worry about. Oh except that by "any time soon" I mean "in 2 weeks" and by "nothing to worry about" I mean "expect at least an entire one of this section dedicated to that jaunt". But let's not get ahead of ourselves. Today we can go back to waffling about normal shit.
So its summer and we're off to a typically insanely busy start to the year. It's a bit fucked up actually... as in I'm clearly mental defective. Part of me would be okay for the season to be over already because can't seem to find a happy medium - when it's cold I mope around the house pining for social activity requiring the sun... then when its summer I walk around wishing everyone would leave me the fuck alone so I can get shit done. Must be fucking hard work being in a relationship, related to, or mates with me. Suck shit, idiots.
-ALL THE SFW STUFF YOU SEE ON ORSM NOW FLOWS DAILY ON TO YOUR FAVOURITE SOCIAL NETWORK-
Moving on. Friday is my day the child. Everything went well. Mostly. For starters there was no repeat of what happened at swimming classes the week before... namely a code brown. We were paddling around when I felt a fart; quickly removed child before the waterways were polluted. A challenging 15 minute clean up followed in the men's locker rooms. Ever experienced having a bunch of naked old guys, dicks swinging everywhere, giving you evils as you try to clean wet shit from the floor, the child, your leg, hands, elbow etc? It was a disaster. All that kept going through my mind was "I don't have the skills to deal with this". But back to what I was saying... a week later we did the class with no problems AND a proper swimming diaper. Eaaassy money. The day then progressed perfectly. We visited people, ran errands, did the shopping, came home, fed, bathed then put the munchkin to bed. Bub wasn't having it though. Skip forward a few minutes and I was covered head to toe in vomit. A lot of vomit. The maximum amount. Vomit on the carpet. In the bathroom. Even food from breakfast came back up. Not to worry... a rapid clean up took place, reshowered and had the spew machine asleep in no time. It's truly amazing how something as simple as removing a bunch of grey pubed, old man dicks from the situation helps. Am also looking forward to whatever tomorrow has in store.
Saturday. There was a solid plan which relied on an early start. It meant I could smash out all the manual labour stuff before it got too hot however the vomiting episode lead to a bumpy night's sleep so the plan was frucked by 6am. Anyway the one main task which I've avoided for the better part of 15 months is landscaping around the house. Obviously no one really likes gardening, or if they do then it harks back to a personality disorder which caused them to alienate everyone from their life leaving time to pursue hobbies such as gardening and/or being deeply molested as a child. The facts are: 1) I was getting to get tired of people asking "What are you going to plant there?" 2) I was getting tired of people offering frangipani cuttings because "We've got heaps of it. It grows like wildfire". 3) The wind whips up an annoying amount of dust from what are supposed to be garden beds.
I began a list. One cannot simply just go to the hardware store. The list was prodigious and went from "get plants", grew to include reticulation fittings, then bags of concrete and even sanding discs. More than 1 hour at my local Bunnings later, no plants whatsoever were purchased. Come early afternoon the concreting had been done... aaaand I'd done a section of garden for the neighbours. Oh yeah then it rained like a motherfucker and wrecked the concrete. Cunts. Called it a day, headed inside to work on this very update for a few hours before meeting friends out for dinner.
Early start again Sunday. We kicked off at the farmers market for decent coffee and overpriced 'artisanal' bread before returning home and resuming activities. Actually got a reasonable amount done - installed the reticulation piping then realised some grass would have to be dug up. Found my ho and did just that. Only accidentally smashed through 2 pipes in the process too. Cunts. Wrapped shit up by lunchtime, chained myself to the computer again before meeting friends at the beach for fish and chips.
Tuesday was the Australia Day public holiday and the only day I've been able to squeeze in exercise all week. Got back home around 7.30am and noticed the Indians already setup on the nearby oval. They're usually there every week or second week for a casual game of cricket. All good. Sometimes even go out and watch them. But like other encounters with Indians in recent months, shit was again bad. Why? Suddenly we hear a very loud bang. Look out the window and see one of them scurrying away with the cricket ball which has just been belted for 6 into our garage door. I go out, scream some profanities, they apologise and that's the end of it... until a while later when the fuckwits knock the ball out of the oval and this time nail our car. It happens again soon after so threaten to call the cops. Geniuses decide to stick a fielder between the batsman and our house/car. Cunts.
We had friends over later in the day for a quiet BBQ. Had well and truly reached my socialising limit by that point so very happy to stay home and babysit while everyone else took off to go watch the fireworks skyshow. And that was about it... a very full 3 day long weekend spread over 4 days.
Alright better get gong with the new update. This sick little bitch is dirtier than something really, really dirty. Check it...
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true. "Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action. The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson".
--
Cricket is like sex. When the pads are on, it's time to bat.
--
A customer was really hassling an airline agent at the ticket counter - yelling and using foul language. However, the agent was polite, pleasant and smiled while the customer continued to abuse her. When the man finally left, the next person in line said to the agent "Does that happen often? I can't believe how nice you were to him". The agent smiled and said "No problem, I took care of it. He's going to Detroit. His bags are going to Bangkok".
--
"Grandpa, I'm really proud of you," said the modish young lady. "What's to be proud of?" asked the old man. The young lady replied, "I noticed that when you sneeze, you've learned to put your hand in front of your mouth." "Of course," explained Grandpa. "How else can I catch my teeth???"
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
TINDER DATING DEBACLES
I'm pretty sure most of these horror Tinder date stories originated from Reddit so not exactly sure what to make of that. Is everyone on Reddit normal? Umm nope. Actually as you read through you can see how some of the writers were too quick to jump to the a conclusion. Never know what might happen if you give it a chance. Sure you may end up floating in a river but you may find true love too. How will you know if you don't take a chance...!? Check it...
-Started speaking to this guy on Tinder a few months ago. He seemed alright, but not my normal type. I didn't realise how stupid I was until now, but I mentioned where I worked. The night I mentioned my workplace, I saw a guy walk past that looked a lot like him. I hadn't met him in person so I wasn't 100%. I forgot about it and a couple of days later, it was quiet in work but my phone battery was low. I said I'd speak to him later before my phone died. Que him coming in 10 minutes later with a fucking iPhone charger. Yes, this might have been a nice gesture if, you know, I'd actually met him face to face before. This was really weird because he said he lived the other side of the city from where I work. I wanted to cut ties straight away, but I thought I'd return the charger after I finished work. He said he would be in a bar around the corner, so when I finished I met up with him, gave him his charger and made some excuse to go home. To my horror, I saw on his Instagram that he'd taken a smiling selfie earlier in the day with the caption "I'm now a taken man ;)". To make it even scarier, for a good few weeks, every time I'd finish work I would see him casually walking past on his own, exactly at the time I finished. Really creeped me out for a while.
-A few years ago I was dating this girl and her father REALLY hated me. Which was a bit odd as most parents love me. He was just a huge prick and I always called him on his shit. Anyways, her parents got divorced, we broke up a few months later etc. Fast forward to around a year later. Me and girl from Tinder were dating for a few months and things were starting to get serious. We're at the point where she wants me to meet her family. Mother, stepfather, little sister. Why not? I have no problems meeting them - "Let's do it" I said. She told me how excited her step dad was to meet me as it turns out we both happen to be Kansas City Chiefs fans. Well, fuck me if it wasn't the same asshole father of my ex-girlfriend.
-I started talking to and met this girl Rachel. She seemed cool, cute from her pictures, she lived in my neighbourhood, and, as the conversation went on, I found out she was increasingly DTF, which is ideal. As we go on talking, I find out that she's 10 pounds of crazy in a five pound bag. I can tolerate a certain level of crazy, but this girl was clinical, and, frankly, she wasn't hot enough to justify that level of crazy. So I started ignoring her and moved on. Then I match with this other girl, Rebecca. Rebecca's cute, we start chatting, she lives a borough away from me. In the middle of the conversation, she says something incredibly crazy about how she "doesn't want a pen pal" completely unprompted, and breaks it off with zero warning. Nothing. Then I get a text from Rachel that says "I think you're chatting with my sister".
-I matched with a handsome graphic designer called Jon and after a few flirty WhatsApp messages he called and we made plans for Saturday night. When we met, Jon turned up looking a little scruffy, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and we went for a drink, which then turned into dinner. We got along really well (he said so himself) and I thought he was really into me, even if he did mention more than once about how he really needed to find more freelance work, bit weird, but I didn't give it much thought. After delicious mains, I ordered a dessert and popped to the loo. When I came back from the bathroom, my dessert had arrived but Jon had totally disappeared. I asked our waiter and nobody seemed to know where Jon was. I go outside and he's not there. I panic a bit now so I ring him but he doesn't pick up. After a while a fellow diner takes pity on me and admits she saw Jon leave. I had to pay the bill and I think I was just used for a free meal!
-I went on three dates with a guy I met on Tinder before we decided to go away for the weekend. He seemed nice enough - great job, well dressed, educated... until we were on our way up to the vacation destination and he starts crying and explaining he had been in prison for the past 11 years and then asked if I wanted to meet his parents on the way there. We still dated for two months. I'm not proud of this.
-I started talking to this really sweet guy for about two weeks and things were going well. Then I started getting calls from this girl, who he claimed was his crazy roommate that was in love with him and kept trying to get him fired from jobs. Turns out, she wasn't the one lying, she was actually his live-in girlfriend, and they had moved here together from a different state. Apparently he wasn't actually a citizen, and was trying to obtain papers. Thanks, Tinder
-One guy I matched on Tinder was really into the whole 'treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen' mantra, so he'd frequently send me weird insults. He told me I had bad hair and proceeded to address me as 'bigun' when he found out how tall I am. Charming...
-Buddy of mine hit it off with this girl and after a few days, she invited him over to a house party. "Sure" he says, what could go wrong? He shows up and is introduced to a few of her friends, all guys. As the night carries on, more and more guys show up and very few girls are actually at the party. After they start talking about how they all know this girl they find out that she invited them all from Tinder. Every guy was there not to hook up, but to populate this chick's birthday party.
-One time I was matched with this Army guy. One week of messaging and he told me about all the wet dreams he had about me and that he loved me.
-I dated someone I met from Tinder for a month. Seemed good on paper: Master's student, yoga teacher, cultured, etc. Found out she was doing heroin and didn't consider that a big problem. I actually had to explain to her the definition of a high functioning addict because she felt that having a job and going to school meant the heroin thing wasn't a problem. We broke up and she went back to her junky ex-bf. Bullet dodged.
-I met my Tinder girl at the train station and she wasn't the most talkative of sorts, but I maintained conversation all the way up to the bar we'd agreed on earlier. Only when we got there, she refused to go in, saying she didn't like "the look of it". We carried on down the road with me maintaining most of the conversation, and we passed nine more bars that she didn't like the look of too. By now we were walking in near silence, so I steered our walk back towards the train station, ready to call it a day and head home. But suddenly, my Tinder lady stopped and pointed at something, saying "That's what I want, I want to go there". It was a van selling frozen yoghurt.
-One guy straight-up asked me if I wanted a threesome without so much as a "hi" and he already had another chick lined up who was Scottish, blonde, size 18 with DD breasts. Another one told me he was on Tinder for some 'deep dicking'.
Two Aussie builders, Keith and Ken, are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Ken: "I reckon he's an accountant".
Keith: "No way - he's a stockbroker".
Ken: "He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!"
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Ken and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
Ken: "'Scuse me mate... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?"
Suit: "No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession".
Ken: "Oh! What's that then?"
Suit: "I'll try to explain by example... do you have a goldfish at home?
Ken: "Err... hmmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!"
Suit: "Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Ken: "It's in a pond!"
Suit: "Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden".
Ken "As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!"
Suit: "Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?"
Ken: "As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house... built it myself!"
Suit: "Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?"
Ken: "Yes I am married, I live with my wife and five children".
Suit: "Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?"
Ken: "Yep! Five or six nights a week!"
Suit: "Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?"
Ken: "Me? Never!"
Suit: "Well there you are! That's logical science at work!"
Ken: "How's that then?"
Suit: "Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!"
Ken: "I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Ken returns to his mate.
Keith: "I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?"
Ken: "Yep! He's a logical scientist!"
Keith: "What's that then?"
Ken: "I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?"
Keith: "Nope".
Ken: "Well then, you're a wanker!"
A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He saw a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approached the car to get a closer look. Then he saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately noticed a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walked to the car and gently rapped on the driver's window. The young man lowered his window.
"Uh, yes, Officer?" "What are you doing?" The cop asked. "Well Officer" the young man replied "I'm reading a magazine".
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop asked "And her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugged "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails".
Now, the cop was totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night, on lover's lane... and nothing obscene was happening!
The cop asked "'What's your age, young man?" "I'm 22, sir" the young man replied.
The cop asked "And her... what's her age?" The young man looked at his watch and replied "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes..."
Why is MyFreeCams.com one of the most awesome websites in the history of forever? Firstly, there are hundreds of hot models online at any given time AND you can watch their live webcam feed in HQ with sound AND chat. Secondly, you don't need a credit card or have to install any dodgy software - it's all absolutely free! And finally, why do I sound so fucking excited? Because MyFreeCams really is that brilliant. Click here to check it out now!
-I matched an attractive girl and got the nudies from her. The next day I went in to start training at the restaurant I had just began working at, and learned that she was training me, and a shift manager.
-I'd been chatting to this girl for like a week or so. She hit me up around 10 pm on a Sunday night and said she'd be in my neck of the woods on her way home and wanted to see if I wanted to hang out. I did. So she comes over, and she's got a bag of Mexican food with her. So I put on an episode of Always Sunny, and she busts out a monster bean and cheese burrito and a carne asada quesadilla. She asked if I wanted any, but I'd already eaten. So this skinny girl puts down BOTH OF THESE FUCKING THINGS in like 10 minutes. Just destroyed like 2 pounds of food. She wipes her face off, grabs my hand, rubs her tits with my hands, and gets up and goes "Welp, i gotta go, you can tell your friends you at least got something out of it". Never to be seen again. I'm still in love with her.
-I went on a date with a guy from Tinder. As we were eating, he told me about his visit to the doctor that day... I listened sympathetically as he told me how he "regularly produced massive stools" due to him being a vegetarian, making tears in his "tiny anus" which he had to put cream on. I didn't date him again!
-I met up with this guy I had been talking to a few weeks. Tall dark and handsome, originally from Turkey, world traveller, etc. Anyway, we meet up for sushi and things are going great, tons of stuff in common and then it was like a fucking PSYCHO switch flipped. He started talking about how now that we were going out, I couldn't wear nail polish because he got weirded out holding hands with someone who wore nail polish and how he wanted to have a daughter but freeze her in time at the age of 4 so that she'd always be a Daddy's girl and love him forever and how when we got old we'd have to have sex with the lights off since I'd be wrinkly and unattractive and just went on and on. I literally just stared at him speechless and tried to get through the date expecting, at the very least, a free meal. But noooooo, no free meal. In fact, more expensive meal. This guy had the nerve to ask the waitress to split the check when he ordered twice what I had! We paid, I stormed out, and never talked to him again.
-One dude I matched on Tinder kept calling me after I gave him my number, which was weird. I screened his calls because I hate talking on the phone, but one night I thought screw it and picked up. Without warning, he started grilling me on my family, education, income and upbringing, before moving on to weird questions like "describe yourself in three words" and "sum up your ideal man in three words" following up my garbled responses with "Why? Can you explain your answer?" When he started prying into my relationship history, I decided it was time to say goodbye. I was so weirded out that I burst into tears and sent him a text letting him know how uncomfortable he'd made me feel, and wishing him the best on finding his perfect Tinder girl. The weirdest part? He called me another four or five times after that.
-Got a Tinder notification on my phone... realised I don't have Tinder and was holding my girlfriends phone.
-I'm Indian, and there's a South Indian dish called masala dosa, which is basically a flat pancake of rice batter with a filling inside it. The dosa is rolled up after the masala is placed inside. This British guy got matched with me and said "This is my last night in India, I want to put my masala in your dosa".
-Met girl, she was quite vocal about 'no hook-ups'. We went out, got drunk, she used the line "want to come back to mine and put your penis in my vagina?" So I did. Just as we started she said "Oh I love you, I love you, do you love me too?" I didn't reply, I just thought 'concentrate... concentrate...' It was a good night, but then she got really demanding and argumentative. It takes me a while to get used to starting to see someone, I like to get to know them a bit. She was talking about kids within a day of meeting me and I wasn't quite ready for that conversation. Then she got really shitty that I wasn't as committed as her, called me all sorts of names and said that I shouldn't be on Tinder if I wasn't going to take our relationship seriously. It was a whirlwind. It felt like a year's worth of emotion bundled into about 3 days. I deactivated my account and stuck with masturbation.
-In my early Tinder days I hadn't really thought about things like asking for someone's height or adding them on Snapchat to find out what they look like on a day-to-day basis. So when I matched with a hot guy called Raj, I thought it was my lucky day. Only when I met him, it became apparent that I wasn't getting the full picture of what Raj looked like. While he looked hot from straight on, he had somehow managed to cover up his absolutely massive nose. I've never seen anything like it. We'd already booked a table at a nice restaurant and it was too late to bail, and the only way to cope with the situation was to get drunk enough to ease my disappointment. I got so wasted that I was sick on my shoes and Raj had to pay for my ride home. Neither of us ever tried to communicate again.
-Matched with my cousin.
-I went on a date with a guy from Tinder. I quickly realised he wasn't my type but decided to just go with it for a while. Half an hour into the date, he asked me if I wanted to do tequila shots. I left early. A week later, he sent flowers to my work with a cheesy poem confessing his love for me. I worked in a coffee shop in the middle of a busy shopping centre. I never even took them home - I was that embarrassed. Never spoke to him again.
-I once went on a Tinder date with a guy who exclaimed "Oh look, I've got a new match!" and checked out the girl while I was there. What a catch.
-There was this guy, he was a solid 10 in his pictures. He messages me, asks me if I want to meet up for coffee, so I say yes. He messages me and tells me that I have to pick him up... I was all, okay fine. I pick him up, we go eat, he's super funny and cute, so I invite him back to my place and we start smoking. He then pulls out his phone and proceeds to tell me that he has a son and his baby momma took him and left and he has no idea where they went. Then he hands me his phone and tells me to go through the folder in his pictures and it's all pictures of his son. Like 300 of them, and he sat there and made me look at every single one. I felt so bad, I didn't want to hurt his feelings but man I was happy when he left.
-I went on a Tinder date with a guy and the entire time he was talking about how men are superior and how there have been scientific studies to show that "women have an emotional reaction to the colour red when they see it". I wonder why he was single...
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
"It is all so beautiful, God" she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain!"
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.
"That's a fair point" replied God "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away".
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
"Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?" "Just fantastic" she replied "But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone".
God thought for a moment and said "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see... where did I put that useless tit?"
NOW DOESN'T THAT MAKE MORE SENSE THAN ALL THAT CRAP ABOUT THE RIB?
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a mobile phone and yelled
"Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"
The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!"
He began his series of questions:
Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter Dial in front of me".
Tower: "Okay, that's good, remain calm. How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me".
Tower: Okay, this is great so far, but it's heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?"
Aircraft: "The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
An Indian from a nearby reservation goes to a whore house and knocks on the door. When the Madam answers he says "Me want woman!" The Madam looks at him kind of funny and says "You want a woman huh?" He replies "Yes. Me want woman. Me got money". "But do you have experience?" the Madam answers. "Experience?" asked the Indian. "Have you done this before?" "No, but me want woman. Me got money". The madam laughs and says "I'll tell you what honey, you go out into the forest over there and practice with the knotholes in those trees and when you know what you're doing you come back and see me".
So the Indian goes out into the forest and finds a knothole to get experience with. The next week he goes back to the whorehouse and knocks on the door. When the Madam comes to the door he says "Me want woman. Me got experience". So the Madam sends him upstairs with one of her girls.
When they get upstairs the Indian tells her to take off her clothes and bend over. When she does he takes out a 2x4 and smacks her on the butt. "What the fuck did you do that for!" she exclaimed. "Me checking for bees".
A very loud Texan Engineer was visiting Australia, and talking big about all of the large civil works in the USA that he was involved in. To be polite his Australian counterpart took him on a tour of some of Sydney's larger constructions.
First he took him to Gladesville Bridge. The Texan exclaimed "What's that!" In reply the Australian said "That's the Gladesville Bridge". "Hmmph" said the Texan "How long and how many men did it take to build?" The Australian replied "About 5 years with 1000 men". The Texan replied "Well in Texas we would've done it in 2 years with 500 men".
Next they went to the Sydney Opera House. "What's that" said the Texan. "That's the Sydney Opera House" was the reply. "Hmmph" said the Texan "How long and how many men did it take to build?"
The Australian replied "About 10 years with 200 men". The Texan replied "Well in Texas we would've done it in 4 years with 200 men".
By this stage the Australian was a little put out by the Texan's attitude so he decided to get some revenge, they walked around the Sydney Opera House and as they did the Sydney Harbor Bridge came into view.
Immediately the Texan exclaimed "Wow! What's that?" The Australian Engineer replied "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday".
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network!
-Check out the archivos del sitio or I'll keep using Google to translate words for no razón!
-Next update will be between Wednesday and Friday but neither of those days.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will rub his stanky wang on your face while you sleep. Stank won't come off for days.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and keep a closed mind as much as possible. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
Okay we're really gonna try and finish this travel blogging once and for all. Picking up where I left off last week... we drove out of San Francisco headed south. Through some miracle we were on our way 90 minutes ahead of schedule and everything was going great until the little one, without warning, began barfing. And like... lots. All over everything. Amidst the panic, trying to tend to child, pull over, navigate rush hour on the wrong side of the road and car, a nearby car lost a wheel cover which took a chunk out of our rentals front bumper. Quickly found a freeway exit and a laundromat to get cleaned up. No matter how thoroughly you clean or how much Febreeze is sprayed, only time will get that barf smell out. Til then, enjoy that funky odour. And so much for that early start - well and truly gone by the time we got moving again.
Our next [scheduled] stop was the Monterey Aquarium. Only a couple of hours away from SF and one of the coolest places I've ever been. From there was it was on to Big Sur. Not sure what could be said about the area that doesn't include the word 'spectacular'. Highway 1 follows the coastline, usually at a decent height with the biggest problem being the frequent need to stop and snap some pics.
Continued south the next morning to a town called San Luis Obispo. Beautiful and will forever be remembered as the place a homeless unashamedly dropped trou in front of us and took a shit. That's never happened to me before, particularly having eye contact with someone as the dookie comes out. Especially liked the part where he didn't give a fuck.
Next stop was Santa Barbara where everything is wonderful. The hotel, despite being more or less budget, was phenomenal. The seafood restaurant right over the road was one of the most memorable meals of my life and there was a strip club with ridiculously hot girls directly opposite. What else could you ask for? Seriously WHAT?
Almost didn't want to leave the next day. Could happily have spent way more time there however we didn't have much to spare and the drive carried on ever south. Eventually arrived to Malibu which was pleasant and then to Santa Monica. The Pier, which most of us would recognise from a million films and TV shows, was exceptional for people watching and if nothing else, the girl blowing a dude on a bench was a highlight.
The drive from there into Hollywood was somewhat terrifying. LA traffic is a disaster - it's everywhere always and that 45 minutes was stressful. We made it to the hotel which ended up being so frickin' good we were happy to just hang there as much as possible. What was so good? Everything. Okay yes, it was kind of old though that adds to the charm but what was most mind-blowing was the service... like nothing I've ever experienced, or at least nothing you would expect from a midrange hotel and certainly that would never ever, ever, ever happen in Australia. The staff could not do enough for you. Then there was the free snack bar, free laundry service, complimentary bottles of wine just because they could, even a poolside hotline that brought a white-gloved staff member carrying a silver platter of popsicles scurrying in your direction. Shit was amazing.
LA itself was great. God knows how often I've read or heard that LA actually just sucks but it I suppose it has to do with expectations. The city goes on forever, it's pretty filthy, busy, noisy and there are fuckloads of homeless around. Its crazy. LA is not what the Entourage boys would have us believe.
As for what we did and saw... after a few weeks of exhausting travelling we were in the mood to take it easy. Trying to see a million things was not high priority. Breaking it down... 1) Venice beach absolutely delivers on weirdo fucker quota. Great place to explore; wouldn't want to be there much after dark. 2) Spent a day with up-until-then online buddies who showed us around LA, fed and then got us drunk. There's always that anxiety when you meet someone you know virtually but we had an awesome time. 3) Finally tried In-N-Out Burger. It's as good as everyone says however the east coasts Shake Shack was my favourite. There was also a low rider cruise that filled up the In-N-Out carpark. So so so fucking cool. 4) Enjoyed my haircut from a Hispanic girl who spoke passionately about why she supports Donald Trump [because Muslims]. The fact he'll probably deport her ass notwithstanding.
LA was our last U.S. city before heading homeward and I was dreading the flight out. Why? Because the flight from Abu Dhabi to D.C. weeks earlier was the maximum amount of awful. So bad that when we arrived at the ticketing counter and they offered an upgrade to business class for approx. USD $5,000 I very, very nearly whipped out my credit card. I resisted, we boarded the fully booked flight, got settled, the plane pushed back from the gate and then stopped. And there it sat with a 'mechanical issue'... for 3 hours. Did I mention it's a 16.5 hour flight? Motherfucker.
Was great to finally hit Abu Dhabi. We stayed with friends for the 5 days who showed us anything that was worth seeing. AD was not what I was expecting either - everything is kind of spread out to some degree, the buildings are impressive, the malls a gigantic, there's a lot of sand, the Grand Mosque is just breathtaking and everything is pretty fucking expensive. We also squeezed in a day trip to Dubai which is only a one hour drive away. Dubai is bigger, busier and flashier than AD. Every imaginable food option, the shopping is great, and hats off to the malls for some of the most impressive Xmas/holiday decorations you would ever see. Surprising for a Muslim country. All in all definitely glad we visited both cities, glad to have ticked the Middle East off my list but wouldn't be in a hurry to get back there. Feel like I've got the gist of what they have to offer.
Final thoughts on America. 1) Loved every minute. 2) The people were awesome. 3) That OTT patriotism which I thought would be prevalent, wasn't. 4) Could happily live in Boston or San Francisco but not LA, D.C. or NYC. 5) Devastated not to have made it to a Wal-Mart. 6) Devastated we don't have Chipotle at home. 7) Never really felt unsafe or in danger; didn't need a gun. 8) TSA at the airports are annoying. 9) Will go to less touristy places next trip back.
Alright that'll do. Let's smash into a brand new update. Check it...
What's the difference between a Taliban outpost and a Pakistani elementary school? I don't know, I just fly the drone.
--
A missionary in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself "I'm toast". A ray of light breaks forth from the sky and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT toast. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief". So the missionary picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the head of the chief, knocking him out. He is breathing heavily while standing above the sprawled out-chief. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces. The voice booms out again: "Okay... NOW you're toast!"
--
Two lawyers were walking along, negotiating a case. "Look" said one to the other "let's be honest with each other". "Okay, you first" replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.
--
An elderly couple were taking a stroll when a bird flies past and relieves himself on the woman's head. "Yech!" cries the woman. "Quick get some toilet tissue!" "What for?" the man asks. "He must be half-a-mile away by now".
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
FASCINATING TRIVIA FROM THE MOVIE CLASSICS
-James Caan improvised the, now immortal, phrase "Bada-Bing" on the set of The Godfather.
-Alan Rickman was dropped a second early to get his true reaction to falling from the Nakatomi Plaza in Die Hard. -Sean Connery wore a wig in every single one of his Bond performances.
-Disney turned down the chance to make Back to the Future claiming the mother/son relationship was too risqué. -Some Wookie suits were made from human hair.
-The idea for the poster for The Usual Suspects came before any script or story. -Arnold Schwarzenegger was paid approximately $21,429 for every one of the 700 words he said in, Terminator 2: Judgement Day.
-Paul Schrader wrote Taxi Driver in five days. It is rumoured he kept a loaded gun by his desk for "inspiration and motivation". -Star Wars was originally prefixed with 'The'.
-In 1994, during one famous lunch at Pixar, filmmakers John Lasseter, Pete Docter and Joe Ranft came up with ideas that would eventually become A Bug's Life, Finding Nemo, Monster Inc. and Wall-E. -The original raw footage of Apocalypse Now consisted of 1,250,000 feet of film which is over 230 hours' worth.
-George Lucas' dog was named Indiana. -Walt Disney refused to allow Alfred Hitchcock to film at Disneyland in the early 1960's because he had made "that disgusting movie, Psycho".
-Paramount super producer Robert Towne was adamant he wanted Francis Ford Coppola to make The Godfather even though the director was uninterested in the project. Coppola acquiesced when he decided to make it a film about American capitalism and not "the mafia". -Alfred Hitchcock's, Psycho (1960) was the first American film ever to show a flushing toilet.
-Among Patrick Bateman's neighbours in the novel of American Psycho is one Tom Cruise. -For Dr. Strangelove, Peter Sellers was paid $1 million, 55 percent of the film's budget.
-Stanley Kubrick would reportedly call Stephen King at 3am to ask him questions about The Shining. According to King, one famous exchange had the director ask the author "Do you believe in God?". When he replied in the affirmative Kubrick yelled "I knew it!" and slammed the phone down. -There is a sound effect called the Wilhelm Scream that has been used in over 200 movies and TV shows since 1951.
-In the penultimate Ian Fleming 007 novel, You Only Live Twice, James Bond's parents are revealed to be Scottish and Swiss. His formative years were spent in Germany and France. -Django Unchained is the first time in 16 years that Leonardo DiCaprio didn't get the top billing.
-Robert Ludlum, the creator of the Jason Bourne series, died while the first Bourne film was in post-production. -Samuel L. Jackson used the word mother-fucker to overcome his stammer/stutter.
-Author Peter Benchley plays the role of a TV reporter in Jaws. Benchley was reportedly thrown off set after continually arguing with Spielberg about the film's ending. -Jim Caviezel was struck by lightning while he was on the cross in, Passion of the Christ.
-Fight Club and Choke author Chuck Palahnuik can be glimpsed ever so briefly in the final scene of the latter. He's sitting next to Sam Rockwell on the plane. -The director of Cannibal Holocaust had to prove in court that the actors were still alive and didn't get killed during the movie.
-Novelist and screenwriter Nick Hornby is brother-in-law to novelist and screenwriter Robert Harris. -Courtney Love insists that the role of the drug dealer, Lance, in Pulp Fiction was offered to Kurt Cobain.
-Ronald Reagan was originally announced as the lead for Casablanca. The proclamation turned out to simply be a ruse to keep the actor's name in the press. -The carpet in The Shining and the second floor of Sid's house in Toy Story are almost identical.
-There's a 20 year age gap between Sam Neill and Laura Dern in Jurassic Park, with Laura aged only 26 during filming. -Ryan Gosling was cast as Noah in The Notebook because the director wanted someone "not handsome".
-Only 12 years separates father/son duo Sean Connery and Harrison Ford in the Indiana Jones franchise. -Drive director Nicolas Winding Refn failed his driving test eight times.
-Ripley's daughter in the Special Edition of Aliens is played by Sigourney Weaver's mum. -Barbie in Toy Story is voiced by Jodi Benson, best known for her role as Ariel in The Little Mermaid.
-Tom Cruise, John Cusack, Jim Carrey and Johnny Depp were all considered for the part of Ferris Bueller. -Pornstar Asia Carrera plays the flatmate of Tara Reid in Logjammin', the film within the film in The Big Lebowski.
-James Woods fired his agent upon learning -after the movie was shot- that Quentin Tarantino wanted him for a part in Reservoir Dogs. -Sigourney Weaver actually made that 'impossible' basketball shot in, Aliens: Resurrection.
-Bill Murray was almost Batman. Until Tim Burton came on board Murray was top of the list. -Film studio, Fox, passed on The Watchmen because they thought the script was "one of the most unintelligible pieces of shit they had read in years.
-The bridge blown up by Eli Wallach and Clint Eastwood in The Good, The Bad and The Ugly was prematurely detonated by a Spanish Army Captain. Upon learning of his mistake the Captain ordered his troops to rebuild the bridge, only for it to suffer another explosion once complete. -The original cut of The Wolf of Wall Street ran over four hours' so had to be cut further.
-Director David Fincher asked a stuntman to fall down the stairs 12 times in Fight Club for the fight between Norton and Pitt. He used the first take. -Mark Wahlberg and Matt Damon agree that if they're ever confused for one another, they will just go along with it.
-Christian Bale based elements of his performance in American Psycho on Tom Cruise after seeing an interview with the diminutive star. According to director Mary Harron, Bale said he saw "this very intense friendliness with nothing behind the eyes". -Sam Raimi has a lucky car that is in all of his films, including his pre-automobile western, The Quick and the Dead.
-Orson Welles directed much of Citizen Kane from a wheelchair, after injuring himself on set. -Morgan Freeman's line, in Shawshank Redemption "Maybe it's 'cause I'm an Irish" is not a joke. In the novel 'Red' really is Irish.
-Shooting for No Country For Old Men was interrupted for a day due to a smoke cloud from the set of There Will Be Blood, which was also filming in the area. -Viggo Mortensen had no intention of working on The Lord of the Rings until his son begged him to do it.
-When filming Chinatown Jack Nicholson was dating Anjelica Huston, the daughter of his screen nemesis John Huston. She visited the set on the day that her father's character asked Nicolson's Jake Gittes "Did you sleep with my daughter?" -Pierce Brosnan was contractually forbidden from wearing a full tuxedo in any non-James Bond movie from 1995-2002.
-The sirens heard in the casino scene in Swingers were police on their way to stop the film makers who were shooting without a permit. -The ornaments that Marv steps on in Home Alone are actually candy.
-In order to credibly portray a rock band, the members of Stillwater in Almost Famous rehearsed for four hours a night, five nights a week, for six weeks. -In Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Charlie Sheen stayed awake for 48 hours to achieve a suitably wasted look for his cameo.
-Franz Ferdinand were the original choice to play the band at the Hogwarts Yule Ball. -Fantasia (1940) was originally a short called The Sorcerer's Apprentice, but Walt Disney overspent on the score and decided to make it feature length film rather than waste money.
-Enya was James Cameron's first choice to compose the music for Titanic. -Sean Connery turned down roles in The Matrix, The Lord of the Rings, Jurassic Park, Indiana Jones 4 and Blade Runner.
-While Casino clocks up a 398 uses of the word 'fuck' and Nil By Mouth and Summer of Sam cranks out over 400, a 2005 documentary called 'Fuck' takes out the top spot. South Park: Bigger Longer and Uncut only uses the f-word 199 times. Fuckers. -Dan Aykroyd's first script for Ghostbusters was set in the future and Ghostbusters were completely normal, like paramedics and firemen.
-Dirk Diggler's penis in Boogie Nights measured 13 inches, half an inch more than its inspiration, John Holmes. -Within' three days, The Hunger Games became the highest grossing film for Lionsgate Movies.
-Showgirls still holds the record for most Razzie (anti-Oscars) nominations with 13. Paul Verhoeven was the first director to collect the award for Worst Picture in person. -In an alternate ending for Alien: Resurrection, Ripley finally makes it back to earth.
-The Dark Knight made more money in its first six days in the US than Batman Begins made in its entire domestic run.
The local charity realised that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the charity rep mumbled "Um... No".
"Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken rep began to stammer out an apology but was put off.
"Third, that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident" the lawyer's voice rising in indignation "Leaving her penniless with three children?"
The humiliated rep, completely beaten, said simply "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again"... and I don't give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!"
A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for 'economy' and that she will have to go and sit in the back. The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.
the co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she is only entitled to an economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat. The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I' m staying right here!"
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!"
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm sorry - I had no idea" gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. The pilot replied "I told her first class isn't going to Melbourne..."
Why is MyFreeCams.com one of the most awesome websites in the history of forever? Firstly, there are hundreds of hot models online at any given time AND you can watch their live webcam feed in HQ with sound AND chat. Secondly, you don't need a credit card or have to install any dodgy software - it's all absolutely free! And finally, why do I sound so fucking excited? Because MyFreeCams really is that brilliant. Click here to check it out now!
A few years ago in a small town, robbers entered a bank and one of them shouted: "Don't move! The money belongs to the bank. Your lives belong to you". Immediately all the people in the bank laid on the floor quietly and without panic.
This is an example of how the correct wording of a sentence can make everyone change their world view.
One woman lay on the floor in a provocative manner. The robber approached her saying "Ma'am, this is a robbery, not a rape. Please behave accordingly".
This is an example of how to behave professionally, and focus on the goal.
While running from the bank, the young robber (who had a college degree) said to the older robber (who barely finished elementary school): "Hey, maybe we should count how much we stole". The older man replied: "Don't be stupid. It's a lot of money so let's wait for the news to be told how much money was taken from the bank".
This is an example of how life experience is more important than a degree.
After the robbery, the manager of the bank said to his accountant: "Let's call the cops". The accountant said: "Wait, before we do that let's add the $800,000 to the robbery of that we took to ourselves a few months ago and just say that it was stolen".
This is an example of taking advantage of an opportunity.
The following day, it was reported in the news that the bank was robbed of $3 million.
The robbers counted the money, but found only $1 million so they started to grumble.
"We risked our lives for $1 million, while the bank's management robbed two million dollars without blinking? Maybe its better to learn how to work the system, instead of being a simple robber".
This is an example of how knowledge can be more useful than power.
Moral: Give a person a gun, and he can rob a bank. Give a person a bank, and he can rob everyone.
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
The doctor took the husband in first. The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated. He checked his blood pressure and other things then said he was going to check with the wife.
He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly. She did as instructed. He then told her to turn all the way around in the other direction.
Then he said - "Okay good - you can get dressed now, and I will talk to your husband".
The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband "Well, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you. I couldn't get an erection either".
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.
The interviewer looks over his papers and says "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry... we can't hire you". "But wait" he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well" said the interviewer "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company and we will not have our employee womanising all over the country!"
"Womanising? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" "Oh, that" he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Two friends meet in the office. One of them, a notorious techno-geek.
"Hey, bud, how are ya?" "I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!" "Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!"
"No way, how could that be?" "Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!" "Holy shit! You're kidding, right?" "No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her".
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"
The guy says "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"
Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colours.
One day, they heard "Yellow, blue, black". One of the nuns noticed that those colours perfectly matched the colours of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.
The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke "Black, black, black". Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished!! One of the nuns spoke up: "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird". Saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should wear ANY underwear under their vestments.
Respecting their agreement, next day they wore no underwear and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house. They peeked at the bird. At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled. He swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on.
Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke "Straight, straight, curly!"
I am Frank and Frank must go. I good you bid evening.
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network!
-Check out the site archives. Simply put, doing anything else would be cunty.
-Next update will be between Wednesday and Friday but neither of those days.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will kill some more entertainers.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and your buy. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
Middle of January already. You can see how the year is basically all over already right? Fuxake. I'm just going to continue with my longwinded travel review in the hope it will finally come to an end eventually. Why should you read? Because what some dude you've never met has to say about his time in America is clearly the most interesting thing you'll ever read... EVER.
We flew out of NYC early as fuck the day after Thanksgiving. I'd expected this would mean missing the Black Friday sales riots but stores begin them a few days before and in New York at least, people were pretty civilised. Shame. The flight was completely full/cramped although made a lot better by some very hot hostesses. I still speak of them: "Honey, remember the one who looked like Beyoncé...? I miss her". Bitches love when you talk about other bitches. Anyway... destination 6.5 hours west to San Francisco. We made it unscathed and caught a shuttle to the apartment. You know how SF is a hilly city? Well that isn't a myth and if nothing else, the hills are a much needed opportunity to burn excess calories. It's not without challenges however... our Airbnb was on the third floor... in a house which was already up 2 flights of stairs. So 5 flights up from the street. No big deal... except try being the asshole who has to carry all the luggage up solo. What I hadn't realised early in the piece that the shopaholic GF had, was our longhaul flight luggage allowance and there was no chance of her wasting that opportunity. 2 adults are allowed 2 x 23 kilogram bags each. A baby gets stroller case plus everyone gets a carry on each. Between 3 of us there was over 100 kilograms. Insanity.
California turned out to be much more our speed. After trying as hard as possible to cram everything in whilst in New York, we were pretty destroyed by the time we hit SF so decided to just ease back; if we didn't get to do it all then so fucking what? It was supposed to be a holiday after all. Let's try and break it down in point form...
-SF had the best fire engines of all the cities we went to. They just look cooler, redder. Be careful casually engaging firemen in conversation - friendliest dudes ever who will chat all day.
-Public transport was actually pretty decent. The trains/trams/whatever suited us perfectly. Only caught one Uber and one cab. The Uber guy kept asking for a tip and the cab driver was a nutbar. She kept ranting over and over that we absolutely had to visit Benihana restaurant. "How do you spell that?" I asked. "B-E-N-I... HANA". "And what type of food?" "Chefs... they cook in front of you!" "So teppanyaki then?" "Not Teppanyaki! Benihana!"
-Whilst there's stuff to do in every direction, it was impossible to see it all in such a limited time, but there were a few places I'm happy we didn't miss. The main one probably being Fishermen's Wharf. Insanely touristy but with good reason - tonnes of cool restaurants and stuff to see and the whole area is just buzzing with people and sound. The atmosphere is great. The low riders cruising through was nice touch too. Would have loved a whole day there.
-Alcatraz was on my bucket list. Bought tix online a few months out so we wouldn't miss the night tour. You catch a ferry over, do a self-guided audio tour, take it all in, freeze then ferry back. Worth visiting because it's frickin' awesome in every way.
-Decent Chinatown and good dim sum (finally).
-Ventured by myself to the Mission District one morning. Very Hispanic... to the point I felt very out of place. Not unsafe. Just out of place. It starts to wake up later on so less noticeable after a while. Cool place to explore though. Lots of cheap shopping, authentic Mexican food, hipsters leading the gentrification crusade, bookstores full of the hairy-legged, wannabe intellectual, lesbian feminists discussing what authors were feeling when they wrote a particular book, and cafes brewing 'drip' coffee brimming with people tapping away on their MacBooks. The Mission was another place I would love to have spent more time in.
-Ate some epic food. There was a café near our apartment that made the best motherfucking eggs I've had in my life. So good in fact that I considered ordering seconds in order to mate with them.
-Distinct lack of oversized, gas guzzling cars. I guess being green is more fashionable there...?
-Golden Gate Park is a great place to go if you like being harassed by homeless junkies trying to sell you drugs. "Wannabuysomebud?"
-Drove, didn't get to walk, the Golden Gate Bridge. Technically crosses it off my list but with toddler in the backseat screaming like no one has ever screamed before, it wasn't quite the memorable experience I'd hoped. Closer to terrifyingly distracting but no one died so can't really complain.
-Collected our rental car in the middle of city. Pull out of the carpark, turn left, turn left again, then straight road for 3 miles. First time ever driving on the 'wrong side' of the car and road. "This shit is easy" I say to myself. Then I reach an intersection and turn on to the wrong side of the road. Heavy traffic, people honking and gesturing like I'm a complete fucking retard. Good times. What also may have required more thought was road rules. Four way stop signs... the fuck? Then once you figure them out, it's a fucking ingenious system... the first car to arrive has right of way or one at a time in a clockwise order. That shit could never work at home... drivers are far too self-important and their time too valuable to waste giving way to anyone.
Definitely needed longer in San Francisco. Four days wasn't remotely long enough. Everything you read says it's too expensive thanks to all the well-paid tech people who've moved in and that rings pretty true although cost of living didn't seem much higher than home. That said, it absolutely passes the liveability test. The people were nice, its modern, clean, beautiful. Just cool.
Alright let's get busy with a brand new update. This one will satisfy literally everyone, literally. Check it...
Two Italians chartered a small plane to fly to Canada for a moose hunting trip. They managed to bag six. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours". Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off.
However, while attempting to cross some mountain even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Mario and Tony survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Tony asked Mario "Any idea where we are?" Mario replied "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year".
--
Drinking a non-alcoholic beer is like muffing your sister, it tastes the same but something's not right about it.
--
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde. The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated". What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied "It's square and it has your picture on it". The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is" she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying "Okay, you can go. I didn't realise you were a cop".
--
Why did the English wear red coats in battle? A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French general began to question him. Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?" In his bland English way, the officer informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic. And that is why, from that day to this, all French Army officers wear brown trousers.
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
THE HUMAN BODY IS GOD DAMN AMAZING. HERE'S WHY...
-Nerve impulses to and from the brain travel as fast as 170 miles per hour.
-The brain operates on the same amount of power as 10-watt light bulb. -The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as an Encyclopaedia. The storage capacity of the brain in electronic terms is thought to be between 3 or even 1,000 terabytes.
-Your brain uses 20% of the oxygen that enters your bloodstream. The brain only makes up about 2% of our body mass, yet consumes more oxygen than any other organ in the body, making it extremely susceptible to damage related to oxygen deprivation. -The brain is much more active at night than during the day.
-Scientists say the higher your I.Q. the more you dream. -The brain itself cannot feel pain. While the brain might be the pain centre when you get hurt, the brain itself does not have pain receptors and cannot feel pain.
-80% of the brain is water. Your brain isn't the firm, gray mass you've seen on TV. Living brain tissue is a squishy, pink and jelly-like organ thanks to the loads of blood and high water content of the tissue. -Facial hair grows faster than any other hair on the body. If the average man never shaved his beard it would grow to over 30 feet during his lifetime.
-Every day the average person loses 60-100 strands of hair. Hair loss will vary in accordance with the season, pregnancy, illness, diet and age. -Women's hair is about half the diameter of men's hair.
-The fastest growing nail is on the middle finger. And the nail on the middle finger of your dominant hand will grow the fastest of all. Nail growth is related to the length of the finger, with the longest fingers growing nails the fastest and shortest the slowest.
-There are as many hairs per square inch on your body as a chimpanzee. -Blondes have more hair.
-Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails. The nails that get the most exposure and are used most frequently grow the fastest. -The lifespan of a human hair is 3 to 7 years on average.
-Human hair is virtually indestructible. If you've ever wondered how your how clogs up your pipes so quick consider this: hair cannot be destroyed by cold, change of climate, water, or other natural forces and it is resistant to many kinds of acids and corrosive chemicals. -The largest internal organ is the small intestine. Despite being called the smaller of the two intestines, your small intestine is actually four times as long as the average adult is tall.
-The human heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood 30 feet. -The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razorblades. Hydrochloric acid, the type found in your stomach, is not only good at dissolving the pizza you had for dinner but can also eat through many types of metal.
-The human body is estimated to have 60,000 miles of blood vessels. The distance around the earth is about 25,000 miles, making the distance your blood vessels could travel if laid end to end more than two times around the earth. -You get a new stomach lining every three to four days. The mucus-like cells lining the walls of the stomach would soon dissolve due to the strong digestive acids in your stomach if they weren't constantly replaced.
-The surface area of a human lung is equal to a tennis court. In order to more efficiently oxygenate the blood, the lungs are filled with thousands of branching bronchi and tiny, grape-like alveoli. These are filled with microscopic capillaries which oxygen and carbon dioxide. The large amount of surface area makes it easier for this exchange to take place. -Women's hearts beat faster than men's. The main reason for this is simply that on average women tend to be smaller than men and have less mass to pump blood to.
-Scientists have counted over 500 different liver functions. Some of them include: production of bile, decomposition of red blood cells, plasma protein synthesis, and detoxification. -The aorta is nearly the diameter of a garden hose. The average adult heart is about the size of two fists, making the size of the aorta quite impressive. The artery needs to be so large as it is the main supplier of rich, oxygenated blood to the rest of the body.
-Your left lung is smaller than your right lung to make room for your heart. -You could remove a large part of your internal organs and survive. The human body may appear fragile but it's possible to survive even with the removal of the stomach, the spleen, 75 percent of the liver, 80 percent of the intestines, one kidney, one lung, and virtually every organ from the pelvic and groin area.
-The adrenal glands change size throughout life. The adrenal glands are responsible for releasing stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. In the seventh month of a foetus' development, the glands are roughly the same size as the kidneys. At birth, the glands have shrunk slightly and will continue to do so throughout life. In fact, by the time a person reaches old age, the glands are so small they can hardly be seen. -Sneezes regularly exceed 100 mph.
-Coughs clock in at about 60 mph. -Women blink twice as much as men do.
-A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball. The average bladder holds about 400-800 cc of fluid but most people will feel the urge to go long before that at 250 to 300 cc. -Approximately 75% of human waste is made of water.
-Feet have 500,000 sweat glands and can produce more than a pint of sweat a day. -During your lifetime, you will produce enough saliva to fill two swimming pools.
-The average person farts 14 times each day. -Earwax production is necessary for good ear health. While many people find earwax to be disgusting, it's actually a very important part of your ear's defence system. It protects the delicate inner ear from bacteria, fungus, dirt and even insects. It also cleans and lubricates the ear canal.
-On any given day, sexual intercourse takes place 120 million times on earth. With about 4% of the world's population having sex on any given day, it's no wonder that birth rates continue to increase in many places all over the world. -The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.
-The three things pregnant women dream most of during their first trimester are frogs, worms and potted plants. Pregnancy hormones can cause mood swings, cravings and many other unexpected changes. Hormones can often affect the types of dreams women have and their vividness. The most common are these three types, but many women also dream of water, giving birth or even have violent or sexually charged dreams. -Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born.
-Babies are always born with blue eyes. The colour of your eyes depends on the genes you get from your parents, but at birth most babies appear to have blue eyes. -A foetus acquires fingerprints at the age of three months. Those fingerprints will not change throughout the person's life and will be one of the last things to disappear after death.
-Every human spent about half an hour as a single cell. All life has to begin somewhere, and even the largest humans spent a short part of their lives as a single celled organism when sperm and egg cells first combine. -Most men have erections every hour to hour and a half during sleep. The combination of blood circulation and testosterone production can cause erections during sleep and they're often a normal and necessary part of REM sleep.
-After eating too much, your hearing is less sharp. -About one third of the human race has 20-20 vision.
-If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it. In order for foods, or anything else, to have a taste, chemicals from the substance must be dissolved by saliva. If you don't believe it, try drying off your tongue before tasting something.
Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to campaign donors.
About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened to you?" asked Hillary. "Well" the driver replied "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me".
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary. The driver replied "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it".
Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realised that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, Charlie got home and realised her predicament.
They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts.
Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her. Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before".
The Doctor replied "Actually, I've seen lots of them... I just never saw one mounted and framed".
FALLING OUT? THESE BAD BOYS ARE MORE CHANCE OF FALLING IN!
Why is MyFreeCams.com one of the most awesome websites in the history of forever? Firstly, there are hundreds of hot models online at any given time AND you can watch their live webcam feed in HQ with sound AND chat. Secondly, you don't need a credit card or have to install any dodgy software - it's all absolutely free! And finally, why do I sound so fucking excited? Because MyFreeCams really is that brilliant. Click here to check it out now!
THE HUMAN BODY IS GOD DAMN AMAZING. HERE'S WHY... (CONTINUED)
-Women are born better smeller's than men and remain better smeller's over life. Studies have shown that women are more able to correctly pinpoint just what a smell is.
-Your nose can remember 50,000 different scents. Humans can identify a wide variety of scents and many are strongly tied to memories. -Even small noises cause the pupils of the eyes to dilate.
-Everyone has a unique smell, except for identical twins. Part of that smell is determined by genetics, but it's also largely due to environment, diet and personal hygiene products that create a unique chemistry for each person. -The ashes of a cremated person average about 9 pounds. A big part of what gives the human body weight is the water trapped in our cells. Once cremated, that water and a majority of our tissues are destroyed, leaving little behind.
-By the age of 60, most people will have lost about half their taste buds. -Your eyes are always the same size from birth but your nose and ears never stop growing.
-By 60 years of age, 60-percent of men and 40-percent of women will snore. Normal snores average around 60 decibels, the noise level of normal speech, intense snores can reach more than 80 decibels, the approximate level caused by a jackhammer breaking up concrete. -A baby's head is one-quarter of it's total length, but by age 25 will only be one-eighth of its total length.
-Monday is the day of the week when the risk of heart attack is greatest. Researchers theorise that it's a combination of too much fun over the weekend with the stress of going back to work that causes the increase. -Humans can make do longer without food than sleep. Provided there is water, the average human could survive a month to two months without food depending on their body fat and other factors. Sleep deprived people, however, start experiencing radical personality and psychological changes after only a few sleepless days.
-A moderately severe sunburn damages the blood vessels extensively. Studies have shown that it can take four to fifteen months for them to return to their normal condition. -Over 90% of diseases are caused or complicated by stress. Stress could also be increasing your chances of having a variety of serious medical conditions like depression, high blood pressure and heart disease.
-It takes 17 muscles to smile and 43 to frown -Babies are born with 300 bones, but by adulthood the number is reduced to 206. The reason for this is that many of the bones of children are composed of smaller component bones that are not yet fused. This makes it easier for the baby to pass through the birth canal. The bones harden and fuse as children grow.
-We are about 1 cm taller in the morning than in the evening. The cartilage between our bones gets compressed by standing, sitting and other daily activities as the day goes on. -The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. It is the strongest muscle in your body in proportion to its size. Every time you eat, swallow or talk you use your tongue, ensuring it gets quite a workout throughout the day.
-The hardest bone in the human body is the jawbone. -You use 200 muscles to take one step. That's a lot of work for the muscles considering most of us take about 10,000 steps a day.
-The tooth is the only part of the human body that can't repair itself. The outer layer of the tooth is enamel which is not a living tissue. Since it's not alive, it can't repair itself, leaving your dentist to do the work instead.
-It takes twice as long to lose new muscle if you stop working out than it did to gain it. It's relatively easy to build new muscle tissue and get your muscles in shape, so if anything, this fact should be motivation to get off the couch and get moving. -Bone is stronger than some steel. This doesn't mean your bones can't break as they are much less dense than steel. Bone has been found to have a tensile strength of 20,000 psi while steel is much higher at 70,000 psi.
-The feet account for one quarter of all the human body's bones. Of the two hundred or so bones in the body, the feet contain a whopping 52 of them. -About 32 million bacteria call every inch of your skin home. Germaphobes don't need to worry however, as a majority of these are entirely harmless and even helpful in maintaining a healthy body.
-Humans shed and regrow outer skin cells about every 27 days. Skin protects your delicate internal organs from the elements and as such, dries and flakes off completely about once a month so that it can maintain its strength. -Three hundred million cells die in the human body every minute. While that sounds like a lot, it's really just a small fraction of the cells that are in the human body. The total number of cells in the body is 10-50 trillion so you can afford to lose a few hundred million without a hitch.
-Humans shed about 600,000 particles of skin every hour. -Every day an adult body produces 300 billion new cells. Your body not only needs energy to keep your organs up and running but also to constantly repair and build new cells to form the building blocks of your body itself.
-Every tongue print is unique. Next time you're committing a crime, try not to leave a tongue print behind. Each tongue is different and yours could be unique enough to finger you as the culprit. -Your body has enough iron in it to make a nail 3 inches long. If you were to take all of the iron out of the body, you'd have enough to make a small nail and very severe anaemia.
-The most common blood type in the world is Type O. Blood banks find it valuable as it can be given to those with both type A and B blood. The rarest blood type, A-H or Bombay blood due to the location of its discovery, has been found in less than hundred people since it was discovered. -Human lips have a reddish colour because of the great concentration of tiny capillaries just below the skin. The blood in these capillaries is normally highly oxygenated and therefore quite red. This explains why the lips appear pale when a person is anaemic or has lost a great deal of blood. It also explains why the lips turn blue in very cold weather. Cold causes the capillaries to constrict, and the blood loses oxygen and changes to a darker colour.
-The colder the room you sleep in, the better the chances are that you'll have a bad dream. -Tears and mucus contain an enzyme (lysozyme) that breaks down the cell wall of many bacteria.
-Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil. -Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't. Studies have shown that fear causes the ears to produce more of the sticky substance, though the reasons are not yet clear.
-It is not possible to tickle yourself. The reason behind this is that your brain predicts the tickle from information it already has, like how your fingers are moving. Because it knows and can feel where the tickle is coming from, your brain doesn't respond in the same way as it would if someone else was doing the tickling. -The width of your armspan stretched out is the length of your whole body. While not exact down to the last millimetre, your armspan is a pretty good estimator of your height.
-Humans are the only animals to produce emotional tears. -Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
-Women burn fat more slowly than men, by a rate of about 50 calories a day. Most men have a much easier time burning fat than women. Women, because of their reproductive role, generally require a higher basic body fat proportion than men, and as a result their bodies don't get rid of excess fat at the same rate as men. -Koalas and primates are the only animals with unique fingerprints.
-The indentation in the middle of the area between the nose and the upper lip is called the philtrum. Scientists have yet to figure out what purpose this indentation serves, though the ancient Greeks thought it to be one of the most erogenous places on the body.
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Walter, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened, Walter?" she asks anxiously. "What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my hunting trip. I get home... and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Olga, naked with Joe Koverski in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Walter!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Olga would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened".
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Walter, there I told you there must be a simple explanation... "She never got your email!"
Ira Kaplan, hadn't returned to the old neighbourhood since he went off to fight in Vietnam. During a business trip to New York he visits his old neighbourhood on Elsmere Place in the Bronx.
Everything has changed over the years. Where once there was Edelstein's Delicatessen, there is now a McDonald's. Where Fleischman's Dry Cleaning used to be, a Korean nail salon and spa now is. Where Ginsberg's Department Store was, there is now a Gap.
Nothing is the same, except for the narrow storefront of Klonsky's Shoe Repair, which, dimly lit as ever, is still in business.
As Kaplan passes the shop, he recalls (such are the quirks of memory that he does not know how) that just before he was drafted to go off to Vietnam, he had left a pair of shoes with Mr. Klonsky that he never bothered to pick up. Could they, he wonders, possibly still be there?
A small bell tinkles as he enters the dark shop.
Mr. Klonsky, who seemed old 40 years ago, shuffles out from the back. He is hunched over, wearing a leather apron, one eye all but closed.
"Excuse me, Mr. Klonsky" Kaplan says "but I used to live in this neighbourhood, and 40 years ago I left a pair of shoes with you for repair that I never picked up. Is there any chance you might still have them?"
Klonsky stares at him and, in his strong Eastern European accent, asks "Vas dey black vingtips?" "They were indeed" Kaplan only now recalls.
"And you vanted a halv sole, mit rubber heels?" "Yes" says Kaplan. "That's exactly what I wanted".
"And you vanted taps on the heels only?" "Yes, yes" says Kaplan. "Amazing! Do you still have them?"
Mr. Klonsky looks up at him, his good eye asquint, and says "Dey'll be ready Vendsday".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and might help to confirm your belief in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race...
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty building site. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the site.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.
At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing $10 in 50 cent coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.
At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
"You must have worked very hard to earn all this" said the teller. The little girl proudly replied "Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house". "My goodness gracious" said the cashier "And will you be working on the house again next week?"
The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously: "I think so. As long as those wankers at Boral deliver the fucking bricks on time".
Hasam and Habib are street beggars. They beg in different areas of London.
Habib begs just as long as Hasam but only collects £2 to £3 every day.
Hasam brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib says to Hasam "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?" Hasam says "Look at your sign, what does it say?"
Habib's sign reads "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support". Hasam says "No wonder you only get £2- £3!"
Habib says "So what does your sign say?" Hasam shows Habib his sign. It reads "I only need another £10 to move back to Lebanon".
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network!
-Check out the site archives. NARF!
-Next update will be next Thursday. Do you know when that is? Do you?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will shoot up your kids school.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't do what other people tell you to. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
Welcome to a very mysterious and powerful update whose mystery is exceeded only by its power.
So how was everybody's? Can for once say mine was relatively drama and hassle free. No seriously. Probably the most notable thing to mention is the Xmas break was simultaneously exhausting and relaxing. We got some roasting weather, some beach, some catching up with mates, some beer drinking, some post-Xmas sales, some gardening, even all 7 Star Wars films.
Thankfully it's now all over. Why thankfully? Because somewhere sort of early November we took off on a month long break. Came back, spent a few days putting together the Xmas update and then squeezed in all the stuff above bringing us until this week. It's pretty much the longest break I've had since leaving high school. Anyway... a few weeks back I used this whole blog section to regale you guys with tales of time spent traipsing around the U.S. If you somehow missed my words then you can find them here. Meanwhile the rest of us will carry on...
Arrived to New York City after a 4 hour train ride from Boston. Very glad we went this option. The train goes through some beautiful country, its relaxing plus you avoid any airport aggravation in the form of annoyingly thorough TSA checks. Didn't take long to find our apartment. It was 3 blocks from Times Square. Ah Times Square. The lights. The billboards. The people. We've all seen a kajillion TV shows and movies shot there but to actually go and experience it for yourself... well it's just so... commercial. Anything but magical. As we came around a corner bunch of assholes dressed up in oversize Disney costumes ran at us to pose for pictures. The GF and kid happily smiled away not realising it was about to cost us $10. There was a few times we got nailed like that. On one occasion finally decided to get hotdogs from a street vendor. "2 of those please mate". He makes and hands them over. "$16 dollars"... more than $22 Aussie. Lesson: always ask the price first because they will rip you.
Speaking of food... 2 of the most awesome things ever eaten in my life happened in NYC. Firstly, Shake Shack. I'm a burger maniac and could happily eat them day and night. Shake Shack perfectly nails what I want in a burger - the way the grease and salad and pattie and cheese and fries and shake combine is like nothing else. It was pure perfection. Enough said. Secondly, the very next morning I woke up at stupid o'clock for no apparent reason and quietly snuck out to head for Dominique Ansel Bakery. Never heard of it? He's the dude who invented cronuts which are a deep-fried cross between croissants and doughnuts. You can't just waltz in and grab one - they make a limited number each day and you have to line up like a freezing idiot at 5am to get one... unless you were smart enough to pre-order online, which I had no idea was possible. I've tried the knock off versions of cronuts elsewhere and there is no comparison. You may as well be comparing a piece of stale bread. They are insanely amazing in every way. To the point of even if you hate the idea of visiting NYC then it would still be worth going just to try one. Should mention that there is some pretty fucking special pizza to be had too. Munched through my fair share and was usually impressed. Oh and one more that ruled was the Halal Guys food cart. Not hard to find and seriously how the fuck do they make the food so delicious?
Conversely, there is plenty of shitty food to be had. We ate at a Little Italy restaurant that was a fucking disgrace to Italy and Italians. It was so bad that they factor in their own tip on the cheque because no way anyone is leaving one by choice. Also anything we ate from a diner was disappointingly gross and overpriced. Special mention for the owner of a brioche doughnut chain that told me his products were voted best in the city. "Better than cronuts?" "Cronuts?" They were comparatively inedible.
Alright this is going way long so let's start doing shit in point form. Go:
1) The Intrepid Air, Sea and Space museum just happened to be right near our apartment. Had never heard of it before accidentally stumbling across it... and it was fucking amazing. Basically every military jet and helicopter I've ever wanted to see is parked on the deck of a retired aircraft carrier. There's also a Concorde and submarine there. Oh yeah and the Space Shuttle Enterprise too.
2) The only celeb I saw on our whole trip was in NYC. The bull dyke who plays Big Boo on Orange Is The New Black walked past us. Smaller than I expected. She's my favourite character so should have stopped her but erred on the side of I doubt celebs love it when asstards come up to them in the street.
3) Walking the Brooklyn Bridge was a major highlight. Brooklyn itself was great and regret not having more time there.
4) Top Of The Rock is the only tall building tour we did. It's a long way up and provides a spectacular view of the city. Totally worth the money. Protip: roll up with a baby and stroller and the staff will queue jump you past a few hundred people trying to kill you with their minds.
5) Got to do the Star Wars Costume Exhibition. Just about every costumes you can imagine and weapons from all the films and characters on display. Would struggle to describe just how much I loved this without tearing up.
6) Star Wars insanity. I've been a huuuge SW fan since forever buiy found it overwhelming and inescapable. The cross promotion even with brands/companies/chains that couldn't not possibly be further removed from the SW universe smacked of desperation.
7) Got chatting to a custodial dude in the New York Public Library. Nice guy but as he wished me all the best I dropped my phone and then sunglasses whilst trying to catch it. Both smashed to pieces. Cunt.
8) Most people we talked to guessed our accent was South African. It isn't.
9) We deliberately timed NYC to be there for Thanksgiving and the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. The parade was great although the gap between floats and balloons coming by is strangely long. But that isnt what I'll remember - the security and police presence, barricades, counterterrorism people, OTT weaponry etc was out of control. Talk to anyone for more than a couple of minutes and the subject of a terrorist attack always came up. Everyone is just waiting for something to happen... especially the cops. Wasn't long after the Paris attacks too so hard to know if that's the norm or what.
10) Holiday [read: Christmas] displays and decorations in the major department stores are crazy elaborate.
11) Transport was a budget killer. The subway isn't all overly reliable or efficient so if we wanted to do anything that required travelling more than walking distance, it would have to be in a cab. This is 100% because we had a baby with us by the way. Uber wasn't worth using as it takes them forever to get to you in the heavy traffic.
12) No we didn't get to Katz's Deli. Yes I know it was on Man Vs Food. It was on the list but believe it or not there is other shit to eat!
At the risk of never finishing this section lets wind up. Liveability factor... couldn't handle it long term. Whilst there is endless options of cool shit to see and do it's a huge city that is always busy/noisy. Too much of too many good things perhaps. Polar opposites from home where everything is spread out and more relaxed. The people would fuck me off before long as well - tourists everywhere is one thing but the non-native New Yorkers who try hard to perfect that 'I'm so fucking cool' disinterested facial expression are tedious. We get it, you're better than everyone who doesn't live there.
Alright let's do this. First update of the year. Check it...
We have opened a new Gym/Workout center Jan. 1. We are calling it "Resolutions". Two weeks from now we plan to re-open the building as a pub.
--
Drinking a non-alcoholic beer is like muffing your sister, it tastes the same but something's not right about it.
--
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde. The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated". What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied "It's square and it has your picture on it". The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is" she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying "Okay, you can go. I didn't realise you were a cop".
--
Why did the English wear red coats in battle? A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French general began to question him. Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?" In his bland English way, the officer informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic. And that is why, from that day to this, all French Army officers wear brown trousers.
--
Two lifeguards are working together on a beach when one of them notices sharks circling a woman who has drifted out a little too far. He begins to get up to race to her rescue when the other lifeguard grabs his arm and holds him back. The first lifeguard says" Why are you holding me back? We have to go save that woman!" To which the other replies "Don't worry. That woman is my mother-in-law". "Are you trying to kill her?" "Although the idea may be tempting, that is not my intent. Just watch". With that, the sharks organise themselves beneath the woman, and ride her on their backs all the way to shore, safely depositing her. "What in the world gave you the notion that would happen" asked the first lifeguard. "Professional courtesy".
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
IMMATURE WAYS TO ANNOY PEOPLE
-Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper, 99 copies. -Specify that your drive through order is "to go".
-If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. -Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
-Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up". -Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think".
-Practice making fax and modem noises. -Highlight irrelevant information on scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
-Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. -Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
-Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. -Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
-Adjust the tint on your TV so all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way". -Staple papers in the middle of the page.
-Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. -Honk and wave to strangers.
-Decline to be seated at a restaurant and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register. -Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and re-route whole streets.
-Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now". -Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No wait, I messed it up" and repeat.
-Ask people what gender they are. -While making a presentation, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
-Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars and see if they slow down. -Sing along at the opera.
-Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. -Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook.
-Mutter something about "psychological profiles". -As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
-Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub". -Name your dog "Dog".
-Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training". -Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
-Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment. -Tell 1-800 operators they sound gay and ask for a date.
-Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks. -Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
-Order a side of pork rinds with your fillet mignon. -Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
-Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register. -Repeat everything someone says as a question.
-Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's road maps. -Inform everyone you meet of your personal 9/11 conspiracy theories.
-Light road flares on a birthday cake. -Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
-At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. -Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling as they read.
-Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray. -While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
-Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. -Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September. Put your Christmas light up in October.
-Change your surname to "Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. -Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
-Chew on pens that you've borrowed. -Wear a lot of cologne.
-Sing along at the opera. -At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhwing-batter!"
-Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend". -Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
-Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles". -Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
-Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn. -Make appointments for the 31st of September.
-Invite lots of people to other people's parties. -In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage".
-Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy". -Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
-TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE. -type only in lowercase.
-dont use any punctuation either -Tell people their accent isn't fooling anyone.
-Drum on every available surface. -Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
A man is talking to his best friend about married life. "You know" he says "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there's always that doubt". His friend says "Yeah, I know what you mean".
A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend. "While I'm away, could you do me a favour? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there's always that doubt".
The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town. Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend. "So did anything happen?" "I have some bad news for you" says the friend. "The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they turned off the light".
"Then what happened?" says the man. "I don't know. It was too dark to see". "Damn, you see what I mean? There's always that doubt".
Some years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco. Mensa, as you know, is a national organisation for people who have an IQ of 140 or higher.
Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local cafe. When they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa minds.
The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally, came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their solution.
"Ma'am" they said "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..". But before they could finish, the waitress interrupted. "Oh sorry about that".
She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
Why is MyFreeCams.com one of the most awesome websites in the history of forever? Firstly, there are hundreds of hot models online at any given time AND you can watch their live webcam feed in HQ with sound AND chat. Secondly, you don't need a credit card or have to install any dodgy software - it's all absolutely free! And finally, why do I sound so fucking excited? Because MyFreeCams really is that brilliant. Click here to check it out now!
-Set alarms for random times. -Learn Morse code and have conversations with friends in public consisting of "Beeeep bip bip beeeep bip".
-Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavour off. -Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
-Dress only in clothes coloured Hunter's Orange. -Wear your pants backwards.
-Begin all your sentences with "ohh la la!" -Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music".
-Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-landscape mode. -Pay for your dinner with pennies.
-Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. -Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
-Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador". -Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
-Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One". -Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
-Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. -Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk into it.
-Drive half a block. -Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
-Cultivate a Norwegian accent. -"Forget" the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was "real funny".
-Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes". -Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "The Final Coutdown", "Who Let The Dogs Out" or "Call Me Maybe".
-Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. -Ask to "interface" with someone.
-Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket". -Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture".
-Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims. -Never make eye contact.
-Never break eye contact. -Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, pronouncing the results.
-Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice. -Occasionally bark in a high-pitched voice.
-Say "okay, you're gay" to anything someone says. -As people talk, smell their shoulders.
-When in a conversation, look out the window, then say "Wait, start over. I wasn't paying attention". -Say to people, "Did you wear deodorant today?"
-Place your shoes on the table. -When talking to someone, look at a spot about two inches to their right.
-When standing near a "high-class person," ask them, "Excuse me, but do I have a booger hanging on my nose? I thought I picked it off". -Switch your neighbour's lawn furniture with someone else's.
-Call into work and tell them you have something better to do today. -Buy goldfish and ask the clerk if they come with chips.
-Sample every flavour of ice cream and tell the clerk what you don't like about each one. -Pick your ear wax and ask if you could use their sleeve to wipe it off.
-Insist completely ridiculous things are true - like Bush is still President. -Speak in a strong Welsh accent.
-Wear odd shoes. -Learn "Ice Ice Baby" by heart and recite it endlessly.
-Disagree strongly with everything anybody says. -Throw stuff at people walking past your house.
-Keep changing the TV channel every two seconds. -Insist that Celine Dion is better than the Beatles.
-Whenever anyone says something, laugh loudly as if they have just told and extremely funny joke. -Phone McDonald's and try to make a reservation for that evening.
-Spend an entire weekend pretending you are R2D2. -Phone random numbers and tell them you are holding their daughter hostage.
-Recite Pi. -Pretend you have gone completely deaf.
-etirW sdrawkcab. -Walk into people's houses, go straight to the fridge without saying hello, and help yourself to their food.
-Speak so quietly that people always have to get you to repeat it. -Loudly recite people's most embarrassing secrets in restaurants.
-Play the electric guitar very loudly and badly, then when the neighbours ask you to turn it down, play even louder. When they come round to complain again, say, "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you asked me to turn it up! -Try to fit the word "cornucopia" into every sentence you say.
-Drive on the wrong side of the road. -Secretly learn to play the piano, then go to a friend's house who has a piano. Claim you've never played before then play Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring perfectly the first time. Then say, "I guess I must kinda be a natural".
-Go canoeing and sing the Hawaii Five-0 theme. -Claim that until recently, you thought Michael Jackson was a woman.
-Wear your cap backwards and say "Yo, wazzup?" a lot. -Go to a Metallica concert wearing a Michael Bolton T-Shirt.
-Take photos of people walking down the street and then run away. -Down a can of Coke in one and then burp loudly.
-Bark like a dog whenever anyone says the word "the". -Wire up people's cars so the horn comes on as soon as their car is started.
-Continuously mumble during a conversation. -Move people's bookmarks ahead three pages when they aren't looking.
-Send your friends to Orsm.net. -Copy and send this list to as many people as you can.
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A man went to a French restaurant. The menu was in French and he spoke no French. When the waiter asked his choice, he told the waiter to bring out the restaurant's specialty.
The man had a truly fantastic meal. The waiter asked if the man wanted dessert. He responded that the waiter should bring out the restaurant's specialty. The waiter said that it was the peach poosay, and he would order it for him.
A short time later, a waitress came out with a covered silver platter. She took the cover off and there was a peach that had been quartered and pitted. The waitress proceeded to raise her skirt and take a piece of the peach and push it in and out of her vagina! She then picked up the rest of the pieces and did the same thing with them.
The man called the waiter over an asked "Am I actually expected to eat the peach after that?" The waiter responded "Why, no, Monsieur. You eat the poosay".
A sailor on shore for the first time is fucking yoinks, decides he needs to find a woman, so he goes to the cheapest, dirtiest, dingiest brothel he can find. There was an old stove in the corner with a filthy old encrusted pan boiling something brown and runny which smelled slightly savoury with overtones of vomit. Hanging on the front were the whore's worn huge grey pants. The ammonia had burnt away the gusset and left a map of Cyprus on the front and the stains in the rear were too heavily impressed, no detergent could shift it.
He was greeted by a fat smelly whore dressed in a heavily spunk soiled pale grey nighty, which was most probably white a few decades back and a fag sticking out of her scabby lips. Well any port in a storm, and all that, he decides it will do.
She lifts up her nighty releasing a smell quite similar to garbage on a hot day mixed with the heavy stench of urine and a bit of shit. The old hag removed her nighty over her head to reveal her breasts which were around a foot long and hung round her waist like a couple of condoms filled with puke. Her belly was scarred with so many stretch marks, it looked a little like the London Underground map through a mist of grime.
She farted. She farted again only this time a little bit of poo came out. She kicked the tiny turd under the coffee table without flinching.
He turned to look at the coffee table. There was some silver paper, a burnt spoon and a needle nesting neatly next to a baby's feeding bottle. He also noticed several used condoms on both the floor and the coffee table. The remains of a take-away were visible and the remaining contents had begun to turn mouldy.
She opened her mouth to speak and a sound that only a chimp could relate to uttered "You want it rough or smooth?"
The young sailor scratched his head a stared down at the little piece of toilet paper stuck to her enormous twat. Quicky, he answered "What's the difference?" The ghastly woman looked him square in the eye with her one working one. She belched. She belched again on this time a little bit of sick came out. Then she answered him thus. "Rough you take me how I is. Smooth, I pick the scabs off and you ride in on the pus".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Little Martin is four years old. One day while he was pestering his mother, she said "Why don't you go across the street and watch the builders work, maybe you will learn something".
Martin was gone about two hours. When he came home, his mother asked him what he had learned. Martin replied "Well first you put the goddamn door up. Then the son of a bitch doesn't fit so you have to take the cock sucker down. Then you have to shave a cunt hair off each side and put the mother fucker back up".
Martin's mother said "Wait until your father gets home!"
When Martin's father got home, Martin's mum told him to ask Martin what he had learnt today.
When Martin told him the whole story, dad said "Martin, go outside and get me a switch". Martin replied "Get fucked. That's the electrician's job!"
Sarah was in the fertilised egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Sarah's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.
Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet, by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network!
-Check out the site archives. Honestly why wouldn't you? It's like a free bag of 15 years of awesome drugs.
-Next update will be next Thursday. No [more] slacking around here.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray say mean things about you TO YOUR FACE.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and GO 2016 GO. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
