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| orsmupdate 2010.02.25-22.45 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. My name is Orsm and I approve this update.
Extremely tired and highly agitated is the theme of this week. Tired because I've haven't stopped in what feels like forever and agitated presumably as a side effect. Not entirely a bad thing - the latter did provide some amusement after being called 'a cunt' by three separate female friends. Charm... some of us just have it.
So it looks like I may have jinxed the entire state of Western Australia last week by calling out summer. If you weren't around for those eloquently penned words, I basically claimed that the summer had been pathetic in terms of heat. Honestly until now I didn't realise my blog carried that much weight in the universe. Anyway, in retaliation the heat has been applied with gusto over the last few days and will continue to do so for the next few, including Saturday... this only being significant because I'll be at wedding number five for the season, outside, dressed in 'cocktail' attire, in the heat of the day. Hanging for that let me tell ya...
Had to laugh at the morons feverishly calling talkback programs this week. Over the weekend a UFC event was held in Sydney as well as being broadcast on free to air TV. This inspired all sorts of poorly formed opinions relating the sport to violence in schools, on our streets and apparently the downfall of society. What they don't seem to realise is UFC has been around for ages, not to mention also in similar forms here in Oz. All that's changed is it was shown on TV. Okay so we're probably all guilty of criticising things we don't understand but once again the do-gooder crowd is sticking their noses in where they don't belong and it's ridiculous. If you don't like it, don't watch it, don't ruin it for everyone else. Simple.
Time to run through my life and it's events for the week. Admittedly it was probably a lot more fun living it than reading about it so if you're smart you'll scroll down a bit and get to the content...
Friday... busy. Half the day helping a friend with some computer stuff and the rest working. That evening, already destroyed from the preceding days, I was reluctant to do much but got talked into heading out. Destination was a city pub with a whole bunch of people I'd never met. Friends, friends which means you essentially have the same conversation about what you do, where you live and how you know such and such a dozen times. Somehow all seems frivolous knowing you'll probably never socialise with let alone see them again but on the other hand they mostly had nice breasts so... yeah.
Early start Saturday to get all my shit done prior to the wedding that afternoon. Began with vehicular cleaning because, if you weren't aware, my self worth is directly tied to the appearance of my car. Mad dash afterwards to purchase grocery items, home to shower and then off straight away to pick up friends for the aforementioned wedding. Ceremony was in a park, Kingly in stature, overlooking the city and river. Short and sweet... done in less than ten minutes. Reception was a few hours later at a brewery on the river and it was pretty bloody fantabulous - met some acrobats, beer was consumed and a fun time was had... by me anyway. Once you reach that certain point of drunkenness you assume everyone is having as good a time as you are.
By the time I got up Sunday morning plans were underway for a dim sum brunch which turned out to be a masterstroke in light of a looming hangover. From there I went visiting - grandmother, mother, friend, back to mothers and finally some time entertaining the pooch before collapsing in a heap on the couch. Weekend rating: 8.75/10 [points deducted for lack of 'me' time].
Alright let's get on with the update. With much love this puppy went together so with much hope you will enjoy it. If not then I think you'll find the problem is with you... not my update. Check it...
If you've been reading my site for any
period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie
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so... it's because Newbie
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Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes
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that love to get their gear off and show what they've got...
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Don't even think about paying for porn on the
net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on
the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn?
Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us
who get
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accept paying for porn the less free
porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!
There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...
Cool Game - I Want Butts! - Psycho Professor - Random Babes - Avatar Insanity - Can Opener - Pornstar Carmen
Lucky She's Cute - Tell The World - Spicy Gallery - Amazing Ass - Darth In Love - Natural Beauties - Audrina Patridge
Smokin' Hot - Ashley Gellar - CubeStormer - Spring Break Tips - Bikini Surfing - Pony Musical - Crack Whore Fail
I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Gran's dinner. I feel sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.
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The International Olympic Committee today voted unanimously to award Barack Obama with a gold medal in skiing. The head of the IOC defended the award stating that they have never seen anyone go downhill so fast.
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Speaking at the Staff Meeting, a very pert and pretty female engineer named Renee told the male manager of the Division, "I'd like to get something off my chest." "What's that, Renee?" "Your eyes."
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One day, mum was cleaning junior's room, and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine, some rope, leather gear, etc. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him..."
ORSM
VIDEO
FUN WITH PUNS
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the Eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating, recurring dreams. First I'm a tepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a tepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, They're
twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
| ZEINA HEART |
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A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you."
The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer.
A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"
The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Go ahead!"
ORSM
VIDEO
| DARE DORM |
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The victim of an awful automobile accident was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital, and the emergency nurse was ordered to prepare the body for the undertaker. Removing his clothes, she discovered that the young man had died with the most massive ERECTION she had ever seen.
Unable to take her eyes off it, she finally yielded to temptation, took off her panties, straddled the stiff and proceeded to enjoy herself. She was just getting down from the table when a second nurse came in and saw her and promptly reprimanded her for her obscene behaviour.
"What's the harm?" shot back the first nurse. "I enjoyed it, and HE surely didn't mind it. Besides, he can't complain and I can't get pregnant. Why don't YOU give it a try too?" "Oh, I can't possibly," said the second nurse, blushing. "First, he's dead and second, I've got my period. Anyway, listen, the doctor wants you."
And so the first nurse left. The second nurse got to work, but soon found herself terribly excited by this massive hard-on and finally climbed on top of it.
Just as she was starting to cum, she was astonished to feel the man climax too! Looking down and seeing his eyelids starting to flutter, she exclaimed in shock, "I thought you were dead!" "Lady, I thought I was too," said the man, "until you gave me that blood transfusion."
| BEACH BOOBS |
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Tommy's house is packed with relatives for dinner. Grandpa calls 6 year old Tommy and starts asking about school, girlfriends and other stuff he can think of. After a while, grandpa notices that Tommy is losing interest in the conversation so he pulls out two bills from his wallet to see if he can keep him interested. A ten and a twenty dollar bill. He shows both bills to Tommy and tells him that he can keep any one he chooses. Tommy reaches over and grabs the ten dollar bill.
Grandpa is pretty surprised and upset about the unwise decision his grandchild made, pulls out another ten dollar bill to see if it was a mistake. Again, he tells Tommy to take one of the bills and keep it. Tommy grabs another ten.
Grandpa again is surprised and upset.
He takes Tommy over to one of the uncles and shows him how dumb Tommy is in choosing the ten over the twenty. Grandpa goes on and on showing every uncle and cousin and each time Tommy chooses the ten over the twenty. Grandpa finally shows the stunt to daddy. Daddy's quite surprise but doesn't pay too much attention at the moment.
A few hours later, daddy who is very concerned about Tommy's poor decision, walks up to him and asks him if he knows the difference between a ten dollar bill and a twenty. "Of course," answers Tommy.
"So why did you always choose the ten over the twenty?" asks dad. Tommy, with a wide smile answers, "Well dad, if I would have chosen the first twenty dollar bill, do you think grandpa would have played the game fifteen more times?"
| INTERESTING ROCKS... YES... ROCKS... |
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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!
READER MAIL
If you've never submitted something then don't be shy - I almost never bite and rarely publish an email address unless the sender is a complete and utter cocksmoker. We're always on the lookout for just about anything you can staple to an email including funny videos, ex or current girlfriend pornography, jokes, random pictures or pretty much anything you think is entertaining. All you gotta do is click here.
Paul wrote:
Subject: ray??
hey orsm, what happened to your friend ray?? i looked forwards to finding out what would happen to me if i didn't tell my friends about orsm. now i feel there is no need to tell everyone as there is no longer a risk to my social life/famliy/life........
It went something like this... one Friday morning Ray messaged me. Ray: "yeah busy. fuck off".
Orsm: "choke to death on your tranny mums cock faggot".
Ray: "deleted" ... and I haven't heard from him since! |
Monk wrote:
Subject: Reader Mail
Contributors have always amazed me. "Hide my details" but it's OK to show my dick !! |
Dee wrote:
Subject: Kentucky Pic
Hey mate, Not sure if you're a basketball fan, but that guy with the misspelled jersey is only the biggest name in college basketball and will most likely be the No.1 draft pick in the NBA in June. He is unbelievable... check him out..his name is John Wall. This is him in highschool. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
hi love the site! here's a pic of my gf, she wants to know what you all think!!! no details please, thanks!!
I approve but also need to point out that the position of the wrist kind of makes it look like she has a penis. -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: yo orsm- like melons?
Here is a pic of the massive titties that belong to my gf, and hope your sight regulars will enjoy, cheers, and keep up great work. hide details please. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: cool truck
My cell phone photo can't do this semi-trailer justice. The image is so large when you walk past it... her face is 3 feet high,not to mention the long legs... wild!
What was on the other side of the truck...? -Orsm
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Lucas wrote:
Subject: WHY?
Photo taken on cellphone at 12h30 at St Lucia, South Africa, in 34°C on
a slope of ± 10°. We know the wheel was invented, but we don't know WHY!
Maybe the barrow was tired... -Orsm
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PC wrote:
Subject: Year of the Tiger
Here's a pic i snapped of a cute tiger statue showing everyone what he thinks about the year of the tiger. Location:Sun Yat Sen's Memorial in Taiwan. Enjoy the new year! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Tessa Virtue - Canadian Gold Medal Ice Dancer nip slip
This was in one of or local newspapers.. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Climategate subliminal numbers
G'day ORSM. Interesting Climategate subliminal found in the QLD Climate Smart product launch. Details private please.
An amazing coincidence or skeptical webdesigner... like climate change I gues we'll never know. -Orsm
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nailers wrote:
Subject: CL Guy
Craigslist guy.
I often wonder if CL has any use beyond providing entertainment. -Orsm
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Supaduck wrote:
Subject: And it's a Harley!
There exists numerous types of limos, possible and impossible, but this one is really original, fancy and quite beautiful. |
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trug8tor wrote:
Subject: pics
Jen |
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B-RYAN wrote:
Subject: Iowa - a great place to visit! Feels like I'm in Canada.
Mr. Orsm, Saw Travis' picture of the recent Eastern U.S. snow fall. Thought I would share some Midwest pictures from our storm earlier this season. Stay tuned this spring.... all of this snow melt is likely to cause some crazy flooding. Cheers. |
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John wrote:
Subject: seriously, wtf ?
hey orsm, you might use this for next week's random shite orwhatever... it's a kid's magazine. with customary freebies. Only this month, the 'silly putty' comes in a container remarkably shaped like a vibrator. Fuck? what next? a razor blade, 20 grams of icing sugar and a rolled up $50 note? |
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Supaduck wrote:
Subject: fire
recent scrub fire just north of Wellington |
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Samantha Gay wrote:
Subject: Road crossing
Most of us have to drive through access gates at some point of our driving
careers. We have had numerous incidents with gates swinging in the wind and hitting vehicles. This guy caught a gate that was probably hidden by the tree line as he rounded the corner. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: EX booty call
Hey second time I send you stuff. This time is this girl EX booty call but all I got from her was some head and not even all that she couldn't even make cum. But I got to play with them big ass nice tits. Please don't post my info, and keep up the good work. |
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Will wrote:
Subject: Australian Citizenship test..
Hi. Please complete the attached test and send back for marking. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Fucking the wife
Recent session with the wife giving her tight pussy a good hard fucking [and] A short video of me giving my wife a nice facial which she really enjoyed. |
| DARE DORM |
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There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the groin and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the groin and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the groin. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you." The Scotsman said, "Keep the damn egg!"
ORSM
VIDEO
There once was a husband and wife couple who, trying as hard as they could, were unable to produce little children. After consulting everyone who would listen to their problem, they were still unsatisfied. Finally, they consulted their family priest.
"My children," the priest began, "The Lord will listen to your prayers, and I am sure that you will be blessed with children shortly. In fact, I am planning a stay in Rome, and while I am visiting the Vatican, I will light a candle for you." "Thank you, Father, thank you!" said the couple.
Before leaving, the priest turned and said, "I am sure everything will work out just fine for you. My stay in Rome will be for quite some time - 15 years. But when I return, I will be sure to pay you a visit."
And so, 15 years came and went, and the priest returned to the States. While resting on his porch one mid-summer morning, he remembered the promise of paying a visit that he had made 15 years ago. Upon arriving at the residence of the two troubled people who sought his council years previously, he rang the doorbell. Sounds of crying and screaming children filled the air! Overjoyed by the thought that their prayers had been answered, he entered the house. More than a dozen children filled the house from top to bottom!
In the midst of all the chaos, stood the wife.
"My dear," the priest said, "your prayers have been answered! And where is your husband? I wish to congratulate him too on your miracle!" "He just left for Rome," she said in a very desperate tone. "Rome? Why did he go to Rome?" asked the priest. She hesitated, sobbed, and finally blurted out, "To blow out that fucking candle!"
| KYLEE AND THE FREAKY BALLS |
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RANDOM SHITE
Exciting, interesting, awe-inspiring, brilliant, bubbly, entertaining, noteworthy, hypnotising and mesmerising... are all words I would use to describe my personality. It's just a coincidence that this week's RS shares the same traits. Check it...
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Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try." "That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help." "He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?" "Of course I did!" replies the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight." "Where did it go?" asks Arthur. "I don't remember."
| THE PARIS OPERA |
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Guy goes into a pub and orders 3 double whiskies. Barman says, "Are you ok mister?" Guy says, "I've just found out my son is gay!"
The next night same guy goes into pub and this time orders 6 double whiskies.
The Barman asks, "What's happened now?" Guy says, "I've just found out my other son is gay!"
The guy goes into the pub for the third night and this time orders 9 double whiskies! The barman says, "Isn't there any one in your family who likes fanny?" Guy says, "Yes - my daughter!"
ORSM
VIDEO
This is the end. All that remains is:
- Check out the site archives. I fucking dare you!
- Next update will be next Thursday as long as I can fit it into my busy schedule.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Mohammed will put a Jihad on you.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ??? . Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2010.02.18-22.38 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. No egos were harmed in the making of this update.
I've just been outside and the sun is nowhere to be seen which, being 7pm, has triggered some sort of disappointment spiral. I can't help but feeling summer has short changed us this year... that and the fact a majority of retards voted against permanently implementing daylight saving last year. This whole summer has been a little lacklustre in terms of extreme heat - plenty of warm days but the unrelenting, sizzling annoyances which I so look forward to whinging about have been rare. Truly a shame but believe me I'll make it up come winter...
Now that I think of it - I don't even know why it matters. Long days/short days. Good weather/bad weather. Except for lunch with a friend on Monday I haven't left the house all week. Beyond that it's been bulk quality time spent exchanging loving gazes with my partner of almost 10 years. She's a beautiful girl... you all know her as Orsm.net.
Did you guys notice the changes to the image galleries? The sadly missed next/previous function is now restored and an anonymous commenting function has been added also. There are still a few bugs being worked out and plenty more features to be added but for the time being it's one more thing crossed off a very, very long to-do list. Famous last words they may be however the planned upgrade to videos shouldn't be too far away now either.
I'm going to jump straight into a weekend wrap here. The original plan was to conjure a stunning social commentary that 'really makes you think' but it's pretty clear that I don't, nor ever have, possessed that kind of writing prowess...
Saturday was good. You got that? It was good. It began with cleaning the car top to toe before heading off to do some shopping and then home to get ready. Destination: Greek Church in the city for a wedding which all I can say about it is holy fuck... in terms of how many people were there anyway. Apparently well over 200 and the church was packed. Interesting ceremony too. Lots of colour and singing and noise but didn't understand a fucking word.
The reception afterwards was at a house right near the ocean so that combined with a glorious West Aussie sunset made an amazing backdrop and provided ample excuse to drink and be merry... which we did until about 10pm when my little circle decided to call it a night. Sacrilege to leave a wedding [and free source of beer] so early and whilst I probably could have lasted a few more hours, standing drunk in a corner when I don't really know anyone isn't something I particularly enjoy.
The first half of Sunday was spent feeling a bit sorry for myself. Not quite a full-fledged hangover but also not quite peak physical condition. Not that I know how peak physical condition feels on any other day but there was definitely a lingering alcohol induced greyness. Anyway, warm day that it was I made a trip to the hardware store with every intention of attacking several odd jobs and maybe even a little gardening although the reality upon returning home was more closely tied to couch and TV.
After that was cruise time - picked up and dropped some friends off at the Good Vibes festival thing. I came close to buying a ticket a few weeks back but at almost $200 and the chance I wouldn't be interested after the previous days wedding decided against it. Actually turned out to be a wise choice because it seemed to me the age of the attendees was barely mid-teens. Ultimately I'd end up feeling like creepy old guy.
Took a quick drive down the coast from there then lapped through the city before heading homeward to do the gardening I'd neglected earlier. Probably all worth it too because that one hour of green-thumbedness Sunday evening has the lawn green and roses sprouting for the first time in months. And after reading that sentence I suddenly wonder what I've become... lawn and roses over hot girls and live music... seriously!? Fuck - maybe I'm gay...?
Okay I can't put it off any longer so let's do this. You'd better pull on the rubber gloves, grab some tissues and bone up because this update is fucking fantabulous. Someone should write a thesis about it but until then - check it...
Don't even think about paying for porn on the
net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on
the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn?
Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us
who get
it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and
accept paying for porn the less free
porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!
If you've been reading my site for any
period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie
Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do
so... it's because Newbie
Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today.
Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes
of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people
that love to get their gear off and show what they've got...
did I mention it's all free too? Check
it now!
There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...
Phage Wars - Suicide Girls - Hottie Gallery - Reporter Attacked - Hottest Redheads - Bus Brawl - Kitchen Fuckers
Gamer Girlz - Angry WOW Nerd - NASA Plan - PlayBabe - Seduction - Nikki Benz - Google's FU - Glorious Girls
Walmart Rampage - Tila Tequila - Amazing Bods - Sex Tape Fail - Tramp Stamps - Fuck You! - History Of Everything
I watched as the 'other' woman delicately inserted her fingers into my wife's pussy. Understandably, I decided to have a wank. Midwives eh, no sense of humour...
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Toyota have announced that they will be taking part in Formula 1 this year after all. They reckon they'll be unstoppable.
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"Hi Mom, How are you?" "Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the hardware store?". "Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call." "Oh my God - what happened!?" "Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head." "What on earth? Why did you do that!!?" "Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker..."
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A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room. Then, the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room. "What the heck's wrong with you?" He demanded. "This woman is 68 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant???!!!" The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said "Does she still have the hiccups?"
ORSM
VIDEO
QUOTES FROM THE MANAGEMENT
"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
-Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp.
"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
-Lykes Lines Shipping
"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
-Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company
"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
-Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service
"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
-Plant Manager, Delco Corporation
"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
-R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3MCorp.
"Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
-Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
-Shipping executive, FTD Florists
"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
-Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division
"My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected."
-CIO of Dell Computers
We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above."
-Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division
One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
-New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards
As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "Pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.
-Taco Bell Corporation
| MONIKA |
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A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants." Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubblegum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an "F" and ends in "K" that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth grade... I got the last seven questions wrong..."
ORSM
VIDEO
| DARE DORM |
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QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!
Can you cry under water?
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialised?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
Why does the phone only ring when you're taking a shit?
| BUSTY |
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|
After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?" "In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."
Later, after examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" She replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."
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|
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READER MAIL
Damn good mail bag this week. That's all I have to say about that.
If you've never submitted something then don't be shy - I almost never bite and rarely publish an email address unless the sender is a complete and utter cocksmoker. We're always on the lookout for just about anything you can staple to an email including funny videos, ex or current girlfriend pornography, jokes, random pictures or pretty much anything you think is entertaining. All you gotta do is click here.
Jason wrote:
Subject: Ex GF pics 151
Dude, I totally agree with you that this one is perfect, that body is an absolute 10. But you say you don't understand why anyone would break up with that. There's a simple expression: No matter how good she looks, no matter how hot the body is, there's always some guy sick of putting up with her shit. |
John wrote:
Subject: re Update 11.2 - cop cars
The photo of the Kiwi cop car and 2 destroyed bikes... The CUNTstable driving that car pulled a 3 point turn on a narrow road, right on a blind corner, but within 100 metres of an off-road turn bay, to chase a speeder going the other way. The 2 bikers had no chance, and spent months in hospital. The CUNTstable was ordered to pay the injured bikers $30,000 each, lost his licence and was fined by the courts. He also lost his job (was said to have 'retired'). Less than 12 months later, the CUNTstable was picked up by his ex-colleagues driving whilst still disqualified AND drunk. No wonder the NZ police are often shown little respect. |
Chris wrote:
Subject: Gday Mr Orsm
My brother... Filmed 2 doors from my mum's house at 8am on a sunday morning. He got the brains and the looks, but I got the massive cock.
Drugs = bad. -Orsm |
bill wrote:
Subject: x 4
My mate Sean just come back from Thailand, takes a girls home and she say's i need to show you some thing before we go any further. He goes you better not have a dick that's all!
I'm sure nature has a logical reason for this... -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: No details please.
Who says our children ain't learning? 3 out of 4 ain't too bad
How is it possible to make this mistake...? A typo I get but three of them are right... -Orsm
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Matt wrote:
Subject: Sarah Palin on Google
Hi Orsm guy, always love the site. I love how Google fills in the blank for you and I wanted to see what happened when I typed "Sarah Palin." Can you imagine she actually has a prayer of a shot at presidency in the US? If that happens in 2012... well... armageddon will be upon us. Cheers from the UK. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: fun in the snow
Making some fun in the snow. Please withhold info. ORSM RULES!
This pic will haunt my dreams for years to come. Thank you. -Orsm
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Aaron wrote:
Subject: Some funny shit
So the attached pictures are from a work Christmas party/kegger we had. A coworker and i bought the spongebob dick cake for our other co workers. I made a bet for 50 bucks that the annoying slut bitch that works with us would eat Spongebob's dick.. I won the bet.also here is a retarded Music Video My band Denver County Death March, made called 'Hannah Montana's Blood'. Thanks! keep Rocking the Site! |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: RS / Readers Emails
Assisting some mates with messages for their wives for Valentines. |
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John wrote:
Subject: some stuff for you
some stuff i hope you find funny enough for the website. first one is a google FAIL ! Artistic impression of a Luge athlete...on the same day the guy dies practicing. second one is a question and answer forum in a business section.. |
Loz wrote:
Subject: Crash
Helicopter crash near Broome. pretty lame
So so bad. -Orsm
|
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Del wrote:
Subject: A man's home entertainment center
A man's home entertainment center. This one covers all the bases. Feel free to use this in your update. |
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Benjamin wrote:
Subject: haha check this out
note where it says she's "fit" i'd send you just the screenshot, but my computer is a bitch, it won't save them. just thought i'd share it for RS or something. Cheers. |
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Nathanal wrote:
Subject: 9th Feb 2010
Happy 9.02.10 Day Everyone!
I probably should have posted this last week when it was funnier... -Orsm
|
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Travis wrote:
Subject: Snow in the eastern U.S.A
Been a long-time fan, etc. etc. Anyway, as you may have heard the easter U.S. has been experiencing a lot more snow than normal and many folks are having difficulty. I have a dozen or more pics I could share but this one was the most amusing. Post it if you like. I have a much larger version if you like but I think this one gets the point across. |
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ryan wrote:
Subject: check this weird ass cow out
my mate took these photos of a cow at his work, from bratty, albury
No Seriously - WHAT THE FUCK? -Orsm |
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Mal wrote:
Subject: Extra-ordinary
Wally-Hermès Yachts is the new company created by french luxury brand Hermès and monaco based yacht maker Wally to build this yacht with enormous dimensions: the WHY 58x38. The yacht, an area of 3400 m2 with seating for 12 passengers and 20 crew. This is a "green" yacht. |
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Benjamin wrote:
Subject: more chick pics
Thought I'd share a few more for your followers. God I love my skills for getting these!
Vagina. -Orsm
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Steven wrote:
Subject: 1936 Stainless Steel Ford!!
This is the 1936 Ford Tudor Sedan built for and owned by Allegheny Ludlum Steel. This is one of only four in existence and is the only one currently in running and road worthy condition. The car is in exceptional condition, with the interior and even the frame looking great. The cars were built for Allegheny Steel as promotional and marketing projects. The top salesmen each year were given the honor of being able to drive them for one year. The V8 engine (max 85 hp) ran like a sewing machine and was surprisingly smooth and quiet. We were also told the dies were ruined by stamping the stainless steel car parts, making these the last of this type Ford ever produced. |
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jason wrote:
Subject: my-ex
Hi there, Nothing to fancy. As requested by my ex, and as usual please withheld my email add. Tnx.
More vagina. -Orsm
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Mike wrote:
Subject: New record Northern Pike in Canada!
This is a new record Northern Pike in Canada. He caught it on Turtle Lake. Check this thing out.. The man (in the photos below), was fishing and caught a 36" Pike. As he was reeling it in, a 56" - 55 lb Pike tried to eat it !!!!! He landed them both in the same net. The last picture is unreal. |
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OneMan wrote:
Subject: New Camaro SS Crash
Although these pictures are of a vehicle accident they exemplify how things in other situations can be deceiving. If you approached this scene from the driver's side, the damage doesn't looks so devastating. However, if you approached from the front or the passenger side your would have a totally different impression of the scene. Fortunately there was no passenger in the vehicle at the time of the accident. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pics of the Mrs
hey Mr Orsm, I've been a visitor for some years and look forward to the Thursday update, but on this occasion thought you might like a contribution - my wife. Not bad for a 42 yr old I would say (but then the tits cost me about 4grand GBP - works out at about 100 quid a go so far, although trying to get that down over time...) - her face isn't really blurry, but I thought I should at least make a token effort of preserving the rest of her modesty. Strangely. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: NWA188 Pilot License Revocation Letter
Hi, long time listener first time caller (almost) i love your show. Please see the attached Christmas card issued by the FAA. keep up the good work. hide the deets please. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Last meal
Mickey had been there for a while, put one trap and ran camera twice for 90 minutes, this was on it second time
I hope the cheese was worth it... -Orsm
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Mark wrote:
Subject: What's that beeping sound??
I think this is probably wrong: This is a single engine Cessna landing with gear up. No gear out the pilot's window. Incredible!! The klaxon going off in this video is a warning to the pilots that the aircraft is in the landing configuration and the gear is not down and locked. These two pilots are having a wonderful social conversation instead of doing the pre-landing checklist. The ending is a good look and sound of what a gear-up landing sounds like. |
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| DARE DORM |
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ORSM
VIDEO
SAUDI MARRIAGE COUNSELING
A Saudi couple, Ahmed and Layla, preparing for their wedding, meet with their Mullah for counselling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
Ahmed asks, "We realise it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together." "Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" "No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."
"Well, okay," says Ahmed, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?" "Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Allah Akbar! Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man. "Allah Akbar! Mafi Mushkila (no problem)," says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?" Ahmed asks. "Sure," says the Mullah. "Allah Akbar. Go for it!" "Doggy style?" "Sure! Allah Akbar!" "On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes! Allah Akbar!"
"Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?" "You may indeed. Allah Akbar!"
"Can we do it standing up?" "No, absolutely not!" says the Mullah." "Why not?" asks the man. "Because that could lead to dancing!"
| BARBIE AND MACKENZEE |
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|
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THE SOLUTION TO SENIOR HEALTH CARE
While discussing the upcoming Universal Health Care Program the other day, I think we have found the solution. I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you are a senior you need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care. A new hip? Unheard of. We simply can't afford to take care of you anymore. You don't need any medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc. Let's take care of the young people. After all, they will be ruling the world very soon.
So here is the solution. When you turn 70, you get a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need! New teeth, great! Need glasses, no problem. New hip, knee, kidney, lung, heart? Well bring it on. And who will be paying for all of this. The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. And, since you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income tax. And if we all do our part we can end up in the same prison and have one hell of a social life. I really think we have found a perfect solution!
| CLASSIC METAL |
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The young Farmer Brown made an appointment with the family doctor, regarding sexual problems he was having with his wife. "Now listen, Luke." the doctor advised, "You have to be more loving to your wife. Give her lots of hugs and kisses. Show her how much you care." "Well, I do the best I can, Doc," the fellow cried. "You see I'm up before the sun rises, working in the field until dusk. I'm just too tired."
The doctor thought for a moment and then said, "Take a shotgun with you next time you work in the field and shoot it off every time you're feeling a bit frisky. When your wife hears the noise, she'll come a-runnin'."
About a month later Farmer Brown went back to the doctor.... this time really depressed. "What's wrong?" asked the doctor. "Didn't you take my advice?" "Yep, I sure did, and everything was going great until hunting season started last week," moaned the farmer. "I haven't seen her since."
ORSM
VIDEO
As fatigue sets in it is time for me to go so if you've made it this far through the update maybe you have space for a little more...
- Check out the site archives. Just do as you're told.
- Next update will be next Thursday. That's kind of my thing...
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and congrats D&B. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
|
| orsmupdate 2010.02.11-22.37 |
|
Welcome to Orsm.net. Kicked the brown door in... painted it white on the way out.
Stumbled upon an interesting way of dismounting my bed this morning. My eyes pop open at 7.45, I take a moment to lie there, think through the day ahead and decide to get started with a visit to the water closet. I roll out of bed, foot on to the floor, transfer weight and -slip-... smash my arm into the TV cabinet which doesn't break my fall but instead punches a whole in the wall and continue to nail my shoulder and head all in one fell swoop and yes I'm still sore. You know those buttered floor pranks? Exactly the same except the people responsible are the stinky cleaning ladies for washing the floor with something slippery. Time to call immigration on those bitches.
Moving on... if I listed my fears spiders would rank right up there which is why since Sunday night I've been creeped the fuck out. I opened a kitchen cupboard and sitting there on the back of the door, seemingly without a care in the world, was the biggest Huntsman in the history of that world. I squealed. Fearless, he didn't move. Out comes the bug spray and unloaded half a can thus ending his days of scaring people. Now with any other spider that would be all well and good except this particular brand of eight-legged-cunt I have experience with. Many previous battles over the years have taught me that in the weeks following the death of a Huntsman, another will show up in the same spot. I figure this usually is a buddy or wife or bounty huntsman looking to avenge the death so now I have to be on the lookout 24/7 - toilet, bed, couch, under the desk, in my shoes... nowhere is safe and ALL possible places for a reprisal attack and until one appears, terror alert level will remain high.
The other thing I wanted to put my [not so well thought out] words to was the Roo storm in a tea cup at the Olympic Winter Games. Long story short - the Aussie team hung a huge Boxing Roo flag from the athletes building, the IOC allegedly got all pissy because it's a registered trademark and therefore not allowed and demanded it be removed. It turned out after some consideration the flag can now stay. I don't really know where to land on this one. It's great for the Aussie team to see the flag and take some inspiration but it reminded me of all the controversy at the 2k Olympics in Sydney when sprinter Cathy Freeman won the 400m event and did a victory lap draped in the Aboriginal flag. Obviously both very different flags with vastly different meanings but you can understand why they take issue with this stuff.
Let's run through my excruciatingly jam-packed week. Jump back to Friday which began with a trip to the bank. When I got to the teller [20ish, blonde, big tits] my brain flashed back to a few nights earlier and the dream I had about her - every door I walked through she was there. The dream had a whole stalking vibe even though I wasn't which back in reality land made me feel like a creepy old man and avoid eye contact. Fri-ni was supposed to be a quiet one in but somehow without my doing or any input transposed into dinner with a mate followed by hitting the town later for a few quiet lagers.
Saturday was chaotic. Race off to do food shopping, home to work for a while, then off to a bucks party which was made all the more better by the nude beer wenches. Bailed late arvo to do some shit then back later for the stripper and more beer. Glad I made it back in time too - nothing quite like the humiliation poured upon the groom by a naked girl with a rubber glove...
Sunday was pretty standard - dog beach first thing, wash car and attack garden for a few hours. I did intend on going for an afternoon cruise but for at least the 7 millionth time managed to flatten the car battery during the aforementioned washing. Do you think I would have learnt by now? Weekend rating: 7.5/10.
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I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the instruction "finish off on her face" didn't mean what I thought it did.
--
My black-eye and fat lip suggests that 'up the backside'... was definitely the wrong answer, when my girlfriend asked "Where are you taking me for my birthday?"
--
A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It's opened by a little twelve year-old boy who has a lit cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm. The salesman say, "Hello, son. Is your mum or dad home?" The little boy responds, "What the hell do you think?"
--
An Aboriginal guy was driving along the road when he noticed that one of his rear tyres had gone flat. With a sigh and a curse he pulled over, got out the car jack and wheel brace and started undoing the nuts on the wheel. Just after he started, a Subaru going along at high speed stopped in front of his car, brakes squealing. Out hops a big Islander bloke carrying a baseball bat. The Islander proceeds to smash the side window of the guy's car. With that he jumps up and starts yelling "What the fuck are you doing bro!?" The Islander replied "Cool it, bro. If you takin' da wheels don't put no shit on me for takin' da CD player!"
ORSM
VIDEO
TIME TESTED TIPS FOR THE KITCHEN
1. For cleaning smelly hands after chopping onions or garlic, just rub them on a stainless steel spoon. The steel is supposed to absorb the odour.
2. Fresh coffee beans can also absorb nasty odours from your hands.
3. If you happen to over-salt a pot of soup, just drop in a peeled potato. The potato will absorb the excess salt.
4. When boiling eggs, add a pinch of salt to keep the shells from cracking.
5. Never put citrus fruits or tomatoes in the fridge. The low temperatures degrade the aroma and flavour.
6. To clean cast iron cook wear, don't use detergents. Just scrub them with salt and a clean, dry paper towel.
7. Will milk curdle if it is allowed to boil? It turns out that this age-old piece of wisdom isn't true, after all. Milk that has been boiled is perfectly safe to consume.
8. To clean an electric kettle with calcium build-up on the heating element, boil a mixture of half white vinegar and half water, then empty.
9. When storing empty airtight containers, throw in a pinch of salt to keep them from getting stinky.
10. If you are making gravy and accidentally burn it, just pour it into a clean pan and continue cooking it. Add sugar a little at a time, tasting as you go to avoid over-sugaring it. The sugar will cancel out the burned taste.
11. Burned a pot of rice? Just place a piece of white bread on top of the rice for 5-10 minutes to draw out the burned flavour. Be careful not to scrape the burned pieces off of the bottom of the pan when serving the rice.
12. Before you chop chilli peppers, rub a little vegetable oil into your hands and your skin won't absorb the spicy chilli oil.
13. If you aren't sure how fresh your eggs are, place them in about four inches of water. Eggs that stay on the bottom are fresh. If only one end tips up, the egg is less fresh and should be used soon. If it floats, it's past the fresh stage.
14. To banish ants from the kitchen, find out where they are coming in and cover the hole with petroleum jelly. Ants won't trek through the jelly. If they are coming under a door, draw a line on the floor with chalk. The little bugs also won't cross a line of chalk.
15. Before making popcorn on the stove or in an air popper, soak the kernels in water for 10 minutes. Drain the water, then pop as normal. The additional moisture helps the popcorn pop up quicker and fluffier with fewer old maids.
16. Don't store your bananas in a bunch or in a fruit bowl with other fruits. Separate your bananas and place each in a different location. Bananas release gases which cause fruits (including other bananas) to ripen quickly. Separating them will keep them fresh longer.
17. To keep potatoes from budding in the bag, put an apple in with them.
18. If you manage to have some leftover wine at the end of the evening, freeze it in ice cube trays for easy addition to soups and sauces in the future.
19. To clean crevices and corners in vases and pitchers, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets. The bubbles will do the scrubbing.
20. After boiling pasta or potatoes, cool the water and use it to water your house plants. The water contains nutrients that your plants will love.
21. When you clean your fish tank, the water you drain can also be used to water your house plants. The nitrogen and phosphorus in fish droppings make aquarium water a great fertilizer.
22. When defrosting meat from the freezer, pour some vinegar over it. Not only does it tenderize the meat; it will also bring down the freezing temperature of the meat and cause it to thaw quicker.
23. The substance in onions that causes your eyes to water is located in the root cluster of the onion. Cut this part out in a cone shape, with the largest part of the cone around the exterior root section.
24. Taking the top layer off of an onion can also reduce the amount of eye-watering misery.
25. Toothpaste is a great silver cleaner.
26. Baking soda isn't as effective a deodorizer for the fridge as that baking soda company would like you to believe. Activated charcoal is much better at absorbing fridge and freezer odours.
27. Baking soda is an extremely effective cleaner, though. Use it with vinegar to deodorize drains and clean stovetops and sinks.
28. A favourite tip of thousands of grandmas: when you nick your finger while cutting veggies, wait until the bleeding stops and paint on a layer of clear nail polish. It will keep juices out of the wound and won't fall off into the spaghetti sauce like a bandage.
29. The jury is still out on what to put in the bag of brown sugar to keep it from going hard: a slice of apple, a piece of bread, and a shard of a terra cotta pot have all been used.
30. Got a nasty invisible splinter from your kitchen tools? Put a piece of adhesive tape on the area and then pull it off to remove the splinter.
31. When you burn yourself in the kitchen, just spread mustard on the affected area. Leave it for a while and it will ease the pain and prevent blistering.
32. For aluminium pans that are looking dull, just boil some apple peels in them. This will brighten up the aluminium and make your house smell yummy.
33. To keep cookies fresh, savvy grannies like to put some crumpled-up tissue paper in the bottom of the cookie jar.
34. If your salt is clumping up, put a few grains of rice in with it to absorb excess moisture.
35. To clean fruit stains off of your fingers, rub them with a fresh, peeled potato. White vinegar can also do the trick.
36. Keep iceberg lettuce fresh in the fridge by wrapping it in a clean, dry paper towel and storing lettuce and paper towel in a sealed baggie in the fridge.
37. If your loaf of bread is starting to go stale, just put a piece of fresh celery in the bag and close it back up. For some reason, this restores a fresh taste and texture to the bread.
38. Always keep an aloe vera plant in your kitchen. It's invaluable when you scrape your arm or burn your finger. Just break off a leaf and rub the gel from the inside on the injury.
39. When making a soup, sauce, or casserole that ends up too fatty or greasy, drop in an ice cube. The ice will attract the fat, which you can then scoop out.
40. To reuse cooking oil without tasting whatever was cooked in the oil previously, cook a 1/4 piece of ginger in the oil. It will remove any remaining flavours and odours.
41. If your milk always goes bad before you can finish it, try adding a pinch of salt to the carton when you first open it. It will stay fresh days longer.
42. Water that has been boiled and allowed to cool will freeze faster than water from the tap. This comes in handy when you're having a party and need ice pronto.
43. Remove tea or coffee stains from your fine china by mixing up a paste of baking soda, lemon juice, and cream of tartar. Rub it over the stains and they'll come off easily.
44. If two drinking glasses become stuck together after stacking, it's not impossible to unstick them. Just put ice in the inner glass and dunk the outer glass in warm water. The warm glass will expand and the cold glass will contract, making the glasses separate easily.
45. For splinters under the fingernail, soaking the affected finger in a bowl of milk with a piece of bread in it is said to draw out the splinter.
46. Did grandpa ever give you a drink of cola for an upset tummy? It turns out that this is actually a pretty effective remedy. The sugar and carbonation can soothe many tummy problems - but it can also exacerbate others.
47. Putting salty bacon on a boil is said to draw the poison out of boils.
48. To help old wooden drawers (without runners) open and close smoothly, rub a candle on the tracks.
49. A cotton ball soaked in white vinegar and applied to a fresh bruise will reduce the darkness of the bruise and help it disappear sooner.
50. Drinking cranberry juice and eating blueberries regularly will help stave off urinary tract infections.
| LAURA LION |
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STORY #1
Many years ago, Al Capone virtually owned Chicago. Capone wasn't famous for anything heroic. He was notorious for enmeshing the windy city in everything from bootlegged booze and prostitution to murder.
Capone had a lawyer nicknamed 'Easy Eddie'. He was Capone's lawyer for a good reason. Eddie was very good! In fact, Eddie's skill at legal manoeuvring kept Big Al out of jail for a long time.
To show his appreciation, Capone paid him very well. Not only was the money big, but Eddie got special dividends, as well. For instance, he and his family occupied a fenced-in mansion with live-in help and all of the conveniences of the day. The estate was so large that it filled an entire Chicago City block.
Eddie lived the high life of the Chicago mob and gave little consideration to the atrocity that went on around him. But Eddie did have one soft spot, however. He had a son that he loved dearly. Eddie saw to it that his young son had clothes, cars, and a good education. Nothing was withheld. Price was no object.
And, despite his involvement with organised crime, Eddie even tried to teach him right from wrong. Eddie wanted his son to be a better man than he was. Yet, with all his wealth and influence, there were two things he couldn't give his son - he couldn't pass on a good name or a good example.
One day, Easy Eddie reached a difficult decision. Easy Eddie wanted to rectify wrongs he had done.
He decided he would go to the authorities and tell the truth about Al "Scarface" Capone, clean up his tarnished name, and offer his son some semblance of integrity. To do this, he would have to testify against The Mob, and he knew that the cost would be great. So, he testified.
Within the year, Easy Eddie's life ended in a blaze of gunfire on a lonely Chicago Street. But in his eyes, he had given his son the greatest gift he had to offer, at the greatest price he could ever pay. Police removed from his pockets a rosary, a crucifix, a religious medallion, and a poem clipped from a magazine.
The poem read: "The clock of life is wound but once, and no man has the power to tell just when the hands will stop, at late or early hour. Now is the only time you own. Live, love, toil with a will. Place no faith in time. For the clock may soon be still."
STORY #2
World War II produced many heroes. One such man was Lieutenant Commander Butch O'Hare. He was a fighter pilot assigned to the aircraft carrier Lexington in the South Pacific.
One day his entire squadron was sent on a mission. After he was airborne, he looked at his fuel gauge and realized that someone had forgotten to top off his fuel tank. He would not have enough fuel to complete his mission and get back to his ship.
His flight leader told him to return to the carrier. Reluctantly, he dropped out of formation and headed back to the fleet. As he was returning to the mother ship, he saw something that turned his blood cold; a squadron of Japanese aircraft was speeding its way toward the American fleet.
The American fighters were gone on a sortie, and the fleet was all but defenceless. He couldn't reach his squadron and bring them back in time to save the fleet. Nor could he warn the fleet of the approaching danger. There was only one thing to do. He must somehow divert them from the fleet.
Laying aside all thoughts of personal safety, he dove into the formation of Japanese planes. Wing-mounted .50 calibre's blazed as he charged in, attacking one surprised enemy plane and then another. Butch wove in and out of the now broken formation and fired at as many planes as possible until all his ammunition was finally spent.
Undaunted, he continued the assault. He dove at the planes, trying to clip a wing or tail in hopes of damaging as many enemy planes as possible, rendering them unfit to fly.
Finally, the exasperated Japanese squadron took off in another direction. Deeply relieved, Butch O'Hare and his tattered fighter limped back to the carrier.
Upon arrival, he reported in and related the event surrounding his return. The film from the gun-camera mounted on his plane told the tale. It showed the extent of Butch's daring attempt to protect his fleet. He had, in fact, destroyed five enemy aircraft. This took place on February 20, 1942, and for that action Butch became the Navy's first Ace of W.W.II, and the first Naval Aviator to win the Medal of Honor.
A year later Butch was killed in aerial combat at the age of 29. His home town would not allow the memory of this WW II hero to fade, and today, O'Hare Airport in Chicago is named in tribute to the courage of this great man.
So, the next time you find yourself at O'Hare International, give some thought to visiting Butch's memorial displaying his statue and his Medal of Honor. It's located between Terminals 1 and 2.
SO WHAT DO THESE TWO STORIES HAVE TO DO WITH EACH OTHER? Butch O'Hare was Easy Eddie's son.
ORSM
VIDEO
| DARE DORM |
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Some years ago, in a small coastal Irish community, Paddy married a woman, Maggie, half his age, All was well at first until Maggie took delivery of a 'woman's' magazine and began to read things about sex. It soon became clear that she had never climaxed during sex and, according to her Grandmother, all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.
To resolve the problem, Paddy and Maggie went to see the Veterinarian since there was no doctor within thirty miles who could be relied upon not to gossip.
However, the Vet didn't have a clue about people. But he did recall during hot summers, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. Apparently, this cooled her down and helped her to relax. So he recommended they hire a strong, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, should cause the young wife to cool down, relax and possibly achieve the sought after climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave a huge bath towel over them as the Vet suggested.
After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet who suggested she change partners and let the young man have a go while Paddy waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice shouted, "And dat, me auld son, is how ya wave a feckin' towel".
| SLIP + NIPPLE = SLIPPLE |
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A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary-Agnes, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says," Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Catherine, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl's is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Agatha! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Brenda sticks her ass in it."
| STUNNING UNDERWATER |
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READER MAIL
I often get emails from you guys telling me you would send more stuff but don't because I've probably already seen it. Dudes - that's what the delete button is for. Believe me I know how to use it. Honestly it doesn't worry me if you want to bombard me with the most stupid, inane shit imaginable. It's all welcome and all good. Just click here and make an Orsm happy.
Matt wrote:
Subject: Ship Docking Fail
Mr. Orsm, That video is actually the first step in dismantling a decommissioned ship. I read a book about it about a year ago -"Breaking Ships" by Roland Buerk. Dismantling a ship is an ecological nightmare so, these days, it's usually done in Bangladesh or some other third world country where the safety and environmental laws are non-existent. . .deaths are regular occurrences but, the workers have no choice because there is no other way to earn money. They run the ship aground as hard as they can at high tide and at low tide, an army of barefoot, largely illiterate men tromp through knee high muck to get to the ship and begin to pull it apart. They salvage EVERYTHING!! Those who have the basic training, man torches and begin cutting it into pieces that are just small enough to be carried back through the muck by a single man. Often times, when these cutters are cutting in a hold or near a fuel tank, there are massive explosions that cost men their lives. But, I DO believe the families of these men get a dollar or two for their loss... literally, a dollar or two. |
< with held> wrote:
Subject: Re: Padlock cracking system
In response to last week's reader mail with the padlock cracking system, I'm amazed to say it actually works! I had an old Masterlock padlock that I hadn't used in 8 years sitting in the garage, locked because I couldn't remember the combo. I tried that system as described in the reader mail, and sure enough, it actually worked! Took a quite a bit longer than 5 minutes but it's pretty neat that it does indeed work. Withhold info. |
Cam wrote:
Subject: Men at Work
Heya ORSM, Pretty disgusted Aussie after the court ruling re Men at Works "Down Under" song. We need to mass email this Larrikin Music and let em know what a bunch of money hungry turds they are. This song is iconic and should have been left alone. |
psycheman wrote:
Subject: interesting name
As a funeral director, don't know what could have been done to change the name. He must have had an interesting life growing up. |
Loz wrote:
Subject: 9th Feb 2010
Happy 9.02.10 Day Everyone!
I should have seen this one coming... -Orsm
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Benjamin wrote:
Subject: haha check this out
note where it says she's "fit" i'd send you just the screenshot, but my computer is a bitch, it won't save them. just thought i'd share it for RS or something. Cheers. |
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Adrian wrote:
Subject: iPad
I just couldn't resist.... |
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Alasdair wrote:
Subject: Poor choice of advert
I suspect it'll take more that an RAC car mechanic to sort out a fighter jet after it's crashed into a field, although the Royal Navy should consider it - the policy only costs £28. Wonder if they'll do nuclear submarines at that price too? |
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Aaron wrote:
Subject: Emailing
News Fail !!!
Ooops my bad! -Orsm |
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Travis wrote:
Subject: Snow in the eastern U.S.A
Been a long-time fan, etc. etc. Anyway, as you may have heard the easter U.S. has been experiencing a lot more snow than normal and many folks are having difficulty. I have a dozen or more pics I could share but this one was the most amusing. Post it if you like. I have a much larger version if you like but I think this one gets the point across. |
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chris wrote:
Subject: yahoo sports
orsm best site on the web. kepp up the good work.
was checking yahoo sports wednesday....this caught my eye. bet his mom is proud!! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
DOCTOR VOODOO. Keep it private please
A doctor who can solve high blood pressure, cancer and manage court cases simultaneously... now that's what you can a one stop shop. -Orsm
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Mikey wrote:
Subject: How much more stupid can we get?
G'day! This is a warning sign that resides on the beach at Northwestern University near Chicago. How much stupider can we possibly get, that we have to tell people that swimming in a huge, deep lake can be dangerous! Duh! I wonder how many dumbshit lawsuits were filed before they decided to put that sign up? |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Some pics of the ex
I think you'll like these... Hide the details please.
Absolutely perfect. I always wonder why anyone would break up with someone this hot. -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Killa
Hi ORSM, Can anyone who understanc Chinese tell why these Orientals were Un-headed? They say your family pays for the bullets used, how true could that be? Please do not show my details.
GRAPHIC CONTENT WARNING! -Orsm
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Bjørnar wrote:
Subject: Divers chasing the Google-car
Today Google launced the Google Street View in Norway, and these are some of the images found. Two divers relaxing in the sun, and suddenly the google car comes along and ruins their day :) Enjoy the pictures. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Contribution-love
Hey Mr. ORSM, Regular viewer, first time contributor, please enjoy my collection entitled "Shit London". Oh and I am from London, England. And do withhold my details. Muchas Gracias! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Mat Van
Ho,ho, ho. If you think these will entertain your loyal subjects, post them,. If not, knob off! Withhold my details please.
Cool custom...? Maybe not. -Orsm
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Richard wrote:
Subject: Fucking EX-WHORE!!!
She's showing everybody else. I might as well too. |
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OneMan wrote:
Subject: Pics
WHO SAID HOON LAWS DON'T WORK |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Deer
Mike, a man I have been training lives in northern Calhoun County. That county is deer heaven; I have never seen so many in herds. Anyway he called last night and said that in the little creek in front of his house, 2 deer had been fighting up the hillside and became locked together and ended up going down the hill and into the creek. [continues] |
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Vadkan wrote:
Subject: Agro-drift in snow by Vadkan
Hi Mr ORSM! It's winter in Hungary! Thanks.
Boys and their toys... -Orsm |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: The "Eyes Right" Command - A lone Belgian boy salutes Canadian troops
This is truly amazing.... I just loved this little boy. He waited and waited until the soldiers finally came by him. It gave me shivers. A lone young Belgian boy is waiting to salute the Canadian troops passing by who had been attending a memorial service. Such class from our Canadian troops - watch what they do for this little boy. The "Eyes Right" command is the biggest compliment troops on parade can pay and is reserved for dignitaries in reviewing stands. Every now and then something just makes ya' smile!!!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Real HSE... Brilliant
Mostly common sense but there are a few pearlers mixed in. Funny shit.
Feel free to pick your nose in public, its socialy accepted... -Orsm |
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| DARE DORM |
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A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book but about every 15 seconds or so, he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.
His mother says "Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while." Billy says "I'm fine, mummy. I just haven't gone potty' yet."
Mother says "Okay you can stay here a few more minutes. But Billy why are you hitting yourself on the head?" Billy says "works for ketchup."
ORSM
VIDEO
A little old lady gets on a flight carrying a bag, purse and a little dog in a box. She sits down and puts the box on the seat next to her.
A stewardess approaches the lady and says, "I'm sorry Madam, but you can't keep the dog here. I'll have to take it and put it in baggage." Without any choice in the matter she agrees.
During the flight the stewardess looks in on the little dog, and finds the dog is dead. She informs the pilot who notifies the airport who tells the director who decides that they will get another dog to replace the departed one. The little old lady would never know.
When the plane lands and she goes to the baggage hall to claim her box, they bring her a box with a new dog, an exact replica of her old dog. "This is not my dog!", she exclaims.
"Why yes it is," the captain tells her. "See, it has the same markings." "This is not my dog", the lady insists. "How do you know this isn't your dog?" asks the captain. "Because... my dog was dead!"
| MELISSA LAUREN ROCKS YOUR WORLD |
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A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the little dog realises that he is lost. Wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard "that was close, that dachshund nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes but the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" Instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet...
And just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says, "Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
| IT'S A SIDE CAR THING |
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A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is - an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?" She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Okay bro's that's all from me. Hopefully the countless hours spent staring blankly into my monitor managed to keep you amused for a few minutes. If not, get fucked.
- Check out the site archives. Every update, video, joke, pic, porn and RS for the last 10 years stashed away for your viewing pleasure.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Know this.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will give you Aids.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and happy weddings... Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2010.02.04-22.54 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Boom-shaka-laka.
I say this in the hope I don't jinx myself but we're getting towards the tail end of two consecutive weeks of awesome. Everything going my way lately is a feeling I'm enjoying cautiously. The best part is it should only get better from here... at least for the duration of February anyway.
The next four weekends are fully booked with a buck's party this Saturday, a wedding on each of the subsequent weekends, friends back in town and the possibility of the Good Vibes Festival thrown in for good measure. I figure no matter what happens at least there'll be some serious boozing. I just wish it was hotter. We haven't had rain for a few months, something I cherish when it comes to vehicular vanity, but the scorching days are few and far between lately. The weather is just 'pleasant'. Fingers crossed we get nailed in the next month or two.
Let's just jump right into some sort of coverage of the last week shall we? It's no secret my ego only survives in the knowledge that hundreds of thousands of you guys flock here to read about my goings-on...
Saturday started off with a trip to the dog beach - our first since my poor pooch had a bingle with another mutt leaving a huge gash in her leg. Good to get on the sand again and with 'pleasant' conditions people and dogs were sparse compared to usual. From there it was home to get cleaned up and then off to do the standard weekly shop although what should have been a thirty minute zip in and out turned into several hours of bumping into friends, socialising and the phone ringing constantly. What can I say - when you're popular, you're popular...
Sunday was a madhouse. Surprising no-one I dragged myself out of bed early to wash the car before heading off to meet my cousins new bub... the first on that side of my family, compared to eleven on the other side. The point is it's more of a big deal. The other point is everyone around me is either popping out fuck trophies or getting married or both. Cute baby though and I can't remember the last time I felt quite so creepy as when I went into the nursery which just happened to be full of numerous topless women being suckled upon. Literally nowhere to look without hitting big milk filled boob and in the spilt second it takes you to realise what you're actually looking at, the boob owner was already glaring back. Even for a breast connoisseur like myself it was all too much.
From there it was a dash back to base so I could seize upon the opportunity of someone with a tow ball to move an old mattress from my house. This is why tow ball, ute or truck ownership is a bad thing - once your friends find out and there goes your weekends. I segued the delivery of the damn thing into a cruise. Absolutely superb warm day outside so did the long lap down and back up the coast via the Big Day Out. Did anyone go? I need to go next year... if not least for the scenery. Honestly can't remember the last time I saw chicks wearing so little or looking so slutty. Keep up the good work girls!
The other thing to come out of my little lap around town was the number of people driving expensive luxury cars, particularly BMW's. Any signs of a recession or cautious spending seem to be gone with an X5 or 3-series everywhere you turn. I must be doing something wrong. I don't want one anyway so whatever...
We hit the pub later in the afternoon. Not insanely busy which was probably attributable to the BDO sucking forty thousand people out of the population but if still a frickin' awesome way to round out the weekend. Oh I do love summer.
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Game On - Lohan Nude - All ABout Tits - Aussie Godess - Had To Hurt - Adriana Lima - Man Cans - Diiirty 8-Teen
Webcast FAIL - Perfect 10 - Amazing Boobs - Porn Kills - Random Funnies - Star Wars Rap - Breast Supporter
Simply Brilliant - Epic Prank - Beautiful Beer - Precision Driving - Chain Reaction - Going Down - WOW In Real Life
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well... she's there."
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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither doc," said the husband, "but she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
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Kids know far too much these days. This morning whilst in the doctors waiting room, I saw a little girl playing with her Barbie & Ken dolls imitating the doggy position. I bent down and told her, "You'll end up with little baby dolls if you keep doing that". She replied, "I don't think so. He's doing her up the arse!"
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I've just put a deposit down on a new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911" and now 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!
ORSM
VIDEO
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asks her sympathetically, "whatever's the matter, pet?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning, I got a "phone call saying that my mother had passed away".
The boss, feeling incredibly sorry for her, says "There, there. Look, why don't you go home for the rest of the day? Or take the rest of the week even? Just take some time off to relax and get some rest".
"Thanks, boss, but I think I'll be better off here" says the blonde. "I need to keep my mind off it and the best chance I have of doing that is if I stay here and get on with some work".
Her boss reluctantly agrees and a couple of hours pass by before he decides to check on her again.
When he sees her, she is crying hysterically once more. "Are you sure you're OK?" he asks her. "No", exclaims the blonde, "I just received a horrible phone call from my sister and her mum has just died too".
| LET'S HEAR IT FOR CAROL |
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Guy walks in to a pub and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says. "You dirty bastard!" shouts the barmaid, "Get out of here before I get my husband!"
The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off." She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!"
Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again. "One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now - what do you want?" "I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup."
The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs off to fetch her husband. "What's up love?" he asks. "There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off", she says. "I'll kill him! Where is he?" storms the Husband.
"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off" she screams. "Right. He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.
"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all" she cries! The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on. "Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically. "Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink 15 pints of Guinness..."
ORSM
VIDEO
| DARE DORM |
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OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF MEN...
"I'M GOING FISHING" means "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"IT'S A GUY THING" means "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" means "Why isn't dinner already on the table?"
"UH HUH SURE, HONEY," or "YES, DEAR..." means absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" means "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." means "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU ARE WORKING TOO HARD." means "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." means "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS" means "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES" means "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS! I JUST CUT MYSELF IT'S NO BIG DEAL" means "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING" means "And I sure hope I think of some pretty good reasons soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT" means "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" means "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU" means "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE" means "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realise it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC" means ""Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE" means "No one will ever see us alive again."
| SELF SHOT HOTTIES |
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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich then?" The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
| CAVIAR |
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READER MAIL
Mail mail... tonnes of it. At this point the only way I'll ever get through the backlog is to start another website. This of course means more to choose from which means quality content for your dirty little fingers. It's win/win.
That said, I often get emails from you guys telling me you would send more stuff but don't because I've probably already seen it. Dudes - that's what the delete button is for. Believe me I know how to use it. Honestly it doesn't worry me if you want to bombard me with the most stupid, inane shit imaginable. It's all welcome and all good. Just click here and make an Orsm happy.
Chris wrote:
Subject: Pitch invader
Mate what's going on out west? Some homeless fucktard gets himself all sauced up, runs out on the pitch and tackles a professional sportsman who's just trying to do his best to represent his country (all the while with a ridiculous shit-eating grin on his face) and all the bludger gets is a $500 fine and a "please don't come back"? In Sydney that oxygen thief would've at least copped a $5500 fine and I'm pretty sure security would've socked the piece of shit a few times on the way off the ground. What this situation really highlights is an urgent need for the return of Andrew Symonds to international cricket. A meaty Symmo shoulder to the face would have sorted that dole bludging cunt out quick smart. The most sickening part is that the chromosomally-challenged hobo's mates probably all think he's a champion and are putting in $50 each to help with the "fine." |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Response to Brent's number game...
Sup man. Just wanted to say great mind puzzle. You gotta add the two numbers together and multiply it by the first number and wallah - While normally content to solve puzzles and keep it to myself, I just found it interesting that I JUST smoked a bowl of kine bud before trying it. Im STONED and I
figured it out on the first try. AND im an American. 'Nuff said. Seeya man, keep it up the good work! No details plz..
Added some names of people who asked to in an updated version here. Will not be adding any more sorry. -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: "PISS OFF" rant
Hey ORSM,
In response to the author-unknown "PISS OFF" rant from last week, it takes a special kind of retard to firstly object to being called racist, and then immediately tell Indians, Japanese, Muslims, Sri Lankans, Croations and the English to get out of what he considers his country. The only kind of people Australia needs less of are bogans, it's just a shame no other country would be willing to take them off us. (Before anyone asks, I was born here, as were my parents, my grandparents, and I'm not sure how far back after that. NOT THAT IT SHOULD MAKE A DIFFERENCE.) |
Ian wrote:
Subject: Re the PISS OFF dialogue
G'Day Mr. Orsm. That's one of the best things I have read in a long time, you'll get a lot of complaints about it, but fuck em! It's about time all this political correctness bullshit is thrown out the window. What ever happened to free speech in this country? All these other countries are great at criticising, but stick it to them and all they do is whine, As Ronnie Johns/Chooper says, Harden the fuck up! |
Arland wrote:
Subject: Airport/Border Security
Pure Genius, Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners. Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you. It would be a win-win for everyone. |
Micah wrote:
Subject: LULZ
So the wife and I were watching to catch a predator and this guy "sent lude pictures of his penis to an operator posing as a 13 year old girl." They forgot to blur part of the picture....
Can't be...? -Orsm
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Bruce wrote:
Subject: New drink
Cheers from Canada. I don't suppose this drink would sell very well in Australia.
Drinking this will make you complain like a little bitch. -Orsm
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Mike wrote:
Subject: brewery
Gday mate, loved your Australia day pics, we've got a unicorn brewery here in Manchester its been going since the late 19th century and still family owned
CHEERS to Brad who graciously supplied me with the beer in the first place.
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Shane wrote:
Subject: Kentucky has some road problems
Might be a good day NOT to drive... |
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Johnny wrote:
Subject: MR 1337 Crash
Hey, Saw this funny crash involving a red head, red lancer, red license plate of MR 1337.... obviously not that 1337. Cheers
He pretty much sealed his fate when he bought the plates. -Orsm
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ejh3 wrote:
Subject: Inguinal Hernia. All this from coughing.
I had a heavy cough. Bad. Coughed repeatedly for a couple of weeks and finally went to the dr's. He said I had broncotius. 2 weeks after that, my groin area started to swell. Went to the Dr's office again. Inguinal Hernia. From Coughing. The picture is the result of the hernia surgery from 2 days ago. All from Coughing... WTF.... PS: My nuts are swollen and discolored. A picture for another day... |
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xitz wrote:
Subject: England, can you believe it?
You mAy think I am playing with your leg, but no, I am not...
If you were observant this was in the the West Australia on 28/1/2010.
One may think this UNUSUAL, but when you think about it...
The Queen of the realm with a husband who opens his mouth before putting his brain in gear.
The heir to the throne who loves horses, married a divorcee who looks like a horse and has a son who isn't his son.
And the second successor to the throne who can't get a job outside the Army?
Long may we sing "RULE BRITTANIA' |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: reader mail
What up from California, land of the criminals. This pic should help some wogs or whatever you call them down there. Hide the info mate. |
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OneMan wrote:
Subject: WATCH THE ROAD!!!
Of all the assholes that we see on the road, I think this is my favorite |
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Power Tripper wrote:
Subject: Fisheries Boat
Fisheries on patrol Coral Bay.
You gotta watch out for those freak waves. Anywhere, anytime. -Orsm |
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Eduardo wrote:
Subject: Fail! Fiestas en Palmares!
*GETTING SUPER DRUNK ....... $200.00.
*LEAVING THE PARTY IN YOUR COMPANY CAR ....... $0.00.
*MOTEL ROOM....... $0.00.
*CONDOM .......$5.00.
Waking up in broad daylight with people taking pictures of you, sleeping naked with the condom still on in your company car ....... PRICELESS!
Translated this the best I could.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: crazy ho
Met this one online. Fucks like a madwoman until she tells me to sod off. She is from Jackson, Mississippi. No info please. |
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Brent wrote:
Subject: Dallas Copper Thieves
Hey my friend just e-mailed me this. Haven't seen it on your site. It says these two guys were attempting to steal copper wires in Dallas, Texas, but little did they know at the time that it was connected to 13,200 volts of electricity! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: justis girl
please dont show my info.
Info hidden, vagina shown. -Orsm |
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Labrador wrote:
Subject: Dive Trip
Some pics from my dive trip to the Abrolhos Islands Last week.
Spectacular. -Orsm
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Bill wrote:
Subject: Bugatti Water Car From Texas Now
I don't know if I ever told you, but I am what they call in the states a "high dollar loss" insurance adjuster. Not bad actually flying all over the states, that's why I get all those wrecked car pictures. If a job comes about taking pictures of wrecked (drunk) chicks, ill put a good word in for you mate. Remember the Bugatti that the retard drove into a saltwater lake? Here a few of the insurance photos from the loss. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Some chick from Tumblr.com
Basically, shes a fucking slut, and she deserves to have her pictures spread around. no details please. |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Today's Video
Some of the Grunts will remember that the 60 in the sixties came with an asbestos glove and extra barrels. Fully auto; it went through barrels real quick and you could tell because the barrel got red hot and the rounds lost trajectory... |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Lighting up the bad guys
You are right... I like this better then "nanny nation" helmet cameras. Had a guy acting up near Melbourne yesterday at the hospital here. They called the Rockledge PD and they could not control him either and tasered him. He died... now the media is screaming and the PD is investigating. Damn if you do; damn if you don't... wonder if jesse, al, etc. are on their way... |
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Stuart wrote:
Subject: Welcome to the Highlands & the snow...
Diary of a Londoner who moves to the Highlands. The language is a bit naughty, but the story is funny... See attached. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: bridge collapse
Hey Orsm, Love the site! This is the video captured by city-wide surveillance camera system in
Istanbul, Turkey. This incident happened on 26.01.2010 on one of the main highways. The driver had no idea that he was driving the truck's damper raised. When it hit the highway-pass, a section of the bridge collapsed, along with the people inside. Notice the person on the "left" side of the bridge freezing in his tracks, seeing the truck drive like that, and without even having a chance to react, collapse with the bridge! He was injured, no fatalities. The fact that there was snow & ice that they meant less traffic than normal, most probably averting a much more serious disaster. |
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| DARE DORM |
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ORSM
VIDEO
An Englishman's wife steps up to the first tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any," she replied.The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers! Why not?" "I can't afford any on the money you give me" she protests. He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 10. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet Mudder, Maggie! Where the fook are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any!" The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says "Well, fer the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."
| TORY LANE |
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A blonde went into a post office to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $10 she exclaimed "I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother." The man, eyebrow arched deviously asked "Anything?". "Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said. She did.
He then said "Now get on your knees." She did. "Now take down my zipper." She did. "Now go ahead... Take it out..." he said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands. Then paused… the man closed his eyes and whispered... "Well... go ahead." The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips tentatively and said "Hello. Mum... can you hear me?"
| MISTY MORNINGS |
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A couple is newly married and they love each other very much. Unfortunately, they get in a terrible car accident and although the man emerges from the wreckage unhurt, his wife is seriously injured and falls into a coma.
Devastated, the man waits by his wife's bedside 24 hours a day cleaning her and changing her diapers. Months pass and the woman's condition does not change. The man fears the worst.
One day after months of waiting, the man gets bored and feels up his wife's breast as it had been ages since he'd had any sexual contact. The wife suddenly arches her back and gives out a moan. Shocked and excited he rushes out the door to find a doctor.
The man explains what happened to the doctor and the doctor responds: "Sir, that's absolutely amazing. Perhaps it is sexual stimulation that will bring your wife out of the coma. Sir, I would like you to continue with this experiment. Please, have oral sex with your wife and see if she responds. I'll wait outside the room until you're done"
So the doctor steps out to give the couple some privacy. They wait for several minutes. Suddenly the man rushes from the room crying and is inconsolable. The doctor grabs the man and asks what happened?
The man looks at the doctor "Doctor my wife is dead. I had oral sex with her as you asked... and now she's gone." The doctor asks "But... how is that possible?" The man replies "She choked..."
ORSM
VIDEO
Wake up... it's time to go...
- Check out the site archives. Because you want to.
- Next update will potentially be next Thursday.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and be excellent to eachother. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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