Can you cry under water?
A: Yes, keep it to the bath or pool. Public water is too filthy already, what with all the fish shit.

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
A: It costs more to interject your opinion where it's not wanted.

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
A: If so, then I want I want to hang out with all the blond chicks who drowned skinny dipping when they forgot they couldn't swim.

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
A: To let you know that the people who order the ingredients for the pizzas you buy from the franchises don't give a shit, and you shouldn't either if you're ordering it.

What disease did cured ham actually have?
A: Life. Sure is hard to eat a live pig, what with all the whining and struggling.

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
A: Because back in the 60's we could get our kids to carry out with a simple, "Yes, sir."

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
A: The original person who said it was referring to stillborns.

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
A: Yes, unless the judge is deaf, but hopefully he's only blind.

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
A: Because when you're in a theater and don't like the movie you have to walk out, but people on TV can simply be turned off.

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
A: Because they're looking for the brain they lost that would've told them this idea was a bad one in the first place.

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
A: They're just making sure the hidden camera is still working.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
A: Because when you get the bra off you hope they never put another on, but when they get their monthly you hope they have a whole lot of panties.

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
A: It's for when you want someone to leave after they've spent the night.

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
A: Because Jimmy also invented the publicist.

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
A: He hasn't fucked Mary Anne yet.

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
A: Because Micky was sick of the missionary position by the time he got Pluto.

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
A: Fresher is better, never mind the fact you'd try to kill that fucking bird too the first time it laughed at you after falling 100 feet.

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
A: Abortions. Pro-life is just a tactic to keep other people from hording in on the market.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
A: No. Politicians are proof of this, despite their constant claims otherwise.

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
A: Because there's a group of philanthropists waiting to see if a six year old is smart enough to figure something like that out.

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
A: Because I didn't get the secret scholarship.

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
A: Because once it's passed the hemisphere and up your ass you feel like your butt was hammered.

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
A: Dog's don't normally have that problem. Go brush your fucking teeth.

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
A: We secretly think electronic objects have souls, and pressing down on the remote hard is warning it that we're about to get very mad and throw it if it doesn't shape up.

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
A: Hello, evil! Duh.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
A: Because the large number of stars we can see with the naked eye can be easily construed as four billion by the same people who stick their fingers on wet paint.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
A: Because Cheetah pulls. Hard.

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
A: Guns make good souvenirs. Shattered bullets do not.

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
A: They're Japanese. Who the hell knows why they do anything they do?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
A: To an Englishman that is the height of hilarity. If only the person saying lisp was also a man wearing a dress....

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
A: Those were the testosterone filled sex maniacs. The rest of us all got religion.

Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
A: To hide your filthy bath water with a thin veneer of pretend cleanliness.

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
A: No. Accept it.

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialised?
A: Because somehow wishing that food will appear and endlessly searching the fridge is easier than putting on pants and going to the market. Either that or you don't have any money.

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
A: I think these are the same people who check to see if paint is wet after having already been reliably told it is.

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
A: Not enough wet paint on the finger tip.

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
A: I don't know, but apparently they were so determined they were willing to die trying.

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
A: It's your fault. If you're so unskilled you're dropping shit off the table as you set it down you shouldn't bother trying to grab it when it falls.

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
A: So we're still acclimated when summer comes around again, otherwise we'd be totally fucked the first time it hit 90.

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
A: Because the father-in-law was kind enough not to kill you when he learned you were putting it to his kid.

Why does the phone only ring when you're taking a shit?
A: Because when you answer the phone you're probably gonna take more shit, and as we all know when it rains it pours.