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| orsmupdate 2010.01.28-22.41 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Aint no thang.
I'm loving life this week. Absolutely. It's one of those rare ones where everything was cool, no major dramas and the only people who really bugged me were anyone talking about tennis. Had to happen eventually so I'll enjoy it while it lasts.
As for the tennis... well what can I say except fuck the Australian Open. The next person who asks me "Do you know who won?" or "Did you watch the tennis last nite?" gets a slap to the mouth. Not only do I not care, I go out of my way to avoid it. Obviously the grunting is unbearable but tennis players in general annoy me. The ego's on Hewitt and Tsonga alone are enough to ruin any night in front of the TV. Amazing athletes they are but it's a little bit too much 'Does my dick look big in this?' for my liking.
Moving on. I had my doubts last week about Australia Day activities being anything worth looking forward to but a Monday night phone call from friends suggesting we do a BBQ [at my place] changed that. Ended up just a few of us hanging out for the day drinking, eating and catching up before heading off to watch the Skyshow, which is basically just fireworks for half an hour over the river and city. We lobbed at a park about four kilometres away with a thousand or so other people. No alcohol bans, perfect vantage point and no several hour nightmare trying to exit the city with all the shmucks who got up close and personal. All up it was an awesome Oz Day. Pics here if you're really interested.
Shall we do weekend? Let's do weekend. Starting with Saaaaat-errr-day...
After doing the standard grocery annoyance it was home to recommence work on the long running, not quite finished kitchen renovation I started back in September. It's mostly just a wall or two that needs to be reclad and then tiled but as these things go you tend to live with them. That and the fact there is an asbestos issue. Tip for the day: don't ever buy an old house. That afternoon we decided to attack the lower half because I keep managing to irretrievably drop shit into the wall cavity - cutlery, spice jars etc. Thankfully we got it done and it only took four hours, two trips to the hardware store and one argument [which I won]. At this rate I should have the top half done by years end...
Sat night was overtly social. Started off with a drinks at a mates place and then off to a party I'm pretty sure I was accidentally invited to - got an obscure SMS during the day asking me if I was coming which I turned into her actually really meaning to message someone else who already knew about the shindig. Ultimately it was a good way to make the birthday girl feel bad. Sorry Em.
Sunday was a recovery sleep in followed by a car washing epic lasting several hours which turned into gardening plus countless other tasks outside and around the house. I swear to fucking god it never ever ends. There is always something to do out there. You could keep a team of handymen busy for weeks and still not get everything sorted. Tip for the day: don't ever buy an old house. After that I moved activities indoors, out of the heat and -talking of there always being something to do- sat down to work for the rest of the day before embarking on more social excursions in the form of family and cousin visiting. Good weekend and another stellar example of how summer days should be whittled away.
And with that I say we get on and do the update... the good stuff. Put this nonsensical, uninspired drivel behind us and concentrate on why you actually came to Orsm in the first place so... check it...
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Husband says to wife "Do you fancy playing a rape game?" Wife says
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--
A wee Irish boy is sat crying by the side of the road. A lady eventually wanders by and asks, "What's wrong, son?" The boy says," Me Mama just died." "Oh bejaysus," says the kindly lady, "Do you want me to fetch Father O'Reilly?" The wee boy quickly replies, "No thanks, missus. Sex is the last ting on moi mind roight now...
--
Please DO NOT call Muslims "Towel Heads". Those are NOT towels on their heads. They are small sheets like the kind used on a baby's crib. Now that you are aware, you must start calling them "SHEET HEADS". You don't have to thank me. I'm just doing this as a public service...
--
Two Native American Indians were walking through the desert. One suddenly stops and puts his ear to the ground. He stands up, looks off into the distance and says "buffalos come." The second says "How do you know?" The first replies "face sticky!"
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A couple comes up to a wishing well. The guy leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a penny. His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well, and drowns. The guy says, "Wow... it works."
ORSM
VIDEO
THE GARDEN SNAKE
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbour who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch... Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbour man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbour's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbour lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbour and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbours saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her.
| HOLLY MORGAN |
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PISS OFF
To the Americans who think they are in a position to call us racist from across an ocean, PISS OFF. Australian comedy and advertising is for Australian consumption and if it doesn't make any reference to America, tough for you. Just remember, you gave the world two George Bush's and the KKK. If you don't like out version of comedy, PISS OFF.
To the Indians who don't like the speed of police investigations, PISS OFF. You get the same treatment as everybody else. Australians in general don't condone violence against others. India can't guarantee security within its own borders, so you are in no position to judge us. If you don't like that, PISS OFF.
To the Japanese who are killing whales in Australian waters, PISS OFF. This is not scientific research. Go kill whales in your own waters. And if you don't like the fact that we will send protestors to harass you at every turn, PISS OFF.
To the Muslims who come into this country and then complain about how we dress, act or do anything, PISS OFF. If you want to wear clothing that covers your face, if you want to live under Islamic law and if you want to live in your own little enclaves, go and live in an Islamic country. Australia is happy to accept any religion, but don't try and change us. Australia is a nation based on Christian principles. If you don't like it, PISS OFF.
To Sri Lankans who are coming over here on the never ending stream of boats, PISS OFF. This country is happy to accept legitimate refugees, but if you can afford 15 grand to pay people smugglers and bypass a dozen other countries, don't expect to be welcomed with open arms. There is a legitimate refugee system and there are other more deserving people waiting in refugee camps. If you can't stand to wait in line like the others using the system legitimately, PISS OFF.
To the Croatians and Serbians who want to come to this country and bring your politics with you, PISS OFF. Your violence at soccer and tennis matches is a disgrace. Sure, you had lots of problems in your homeland. You came here for a better life. So leave the hatred and politics behind. We will welcome you, but if you bring your crap with you, we don't want you. PISS OFF.
To the English who come over here and never stop complaining, PISS OFF. We ceased being a convict colony over 100 years ago. We don't want to hear how great the job market is in London, how cheap the houses are or how you don't like the Australian climate. The solution is simple. If you think things are so much better in England, PISS OFF.
To any nationality that wants to come to this country. This is Australia. We have our own culture, language, way of dress and attitudes. We champion the fair go and will welcome people of all nationalities, languages and religions. We will embrace you and enjoy sharing your culture. We will welcome you to our neighbourhoods. But if you want to change us, PISS OFF. If you want to live in your own little enclaves and not integrate, PISS OFF. And if you don't even live in this country and want to complain about the way we do business, PISS RIGHT OFF. Get your own country in order before you even try and judge us.
I'm bloody Australian and proud of it. And if you don't like that, PISS OFF.
-Author Unknown
ORSM
VIDEO
| DARE DORM |
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While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "You've gotta be kiddin' me." "No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, okay..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, watch, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."
| SUCK IT |
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A group of 40 years old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner.
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.
| CHOCOLATE INSANITY |
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READER MAIL
The mail influx over the last couple of months has been immense and thanks to a couple of late nights I'm through most of it. Not everything has been posted yet but I'll try find the space in coming weeks. Unfortunately it's impossible to reply to everyone and every question - there just aren't enough hours in the day!
If you would like to submit, contribute, respond or just say your bit then you may do so here - we're always happy to be plastered with porn, pics of your bitch Ex, random shit, video clips, funny shit, cool links or email forwards - whatever it is, it's all welcome! Just click here and make the magic happen.
newo wrote:
Subject: Store "closed due to Matyrdom"
R.E.: "Store Closed. A must see" from this weeks update, the Imam Ali was not a terrorist on the 9/11 flights, but a religious figure in the 7th century. You can read about his photo here. People have to stop believing all the bullshit that comes through their inboxes. |
Liam wrote:
Subject: Imam Ali [Ref: Reader Mail 14-01-10]
Jesus mate, it took all of two seconds to Google Imam Ali.. He'd have had a job flying a plane considering the bloke was born 1400 years ago. Great site, keep up the good work |
Kris wrote:
Subject: harvest party
hi orsm, this is the youtube video of one of our workmates wearing a mankini after about 5 midstrengths. |
John wrote:
Subject: Obama getting snubbed correction...
Hey Mr. Orsm, You posted a video of Obama getting "snubbed" by russian delegates. I was interested in why, and I found it to be taken out of context. Anyways, just thought I'd let you know! Great site, been following it for years!
Was pretty obvious. Posted more for schitzengiggles . -Orsm |
glenn wrote:
Subject: Idaho Kitties i just want to set the record straight about these photos .
These photos where actually taken here in colorado by a friend of my fathers! the following is the original email sent out! oh and if you look at the second photo from the top the front end of the white truck has colorado plates! |
Fine Brothers wrote:
Subject: Video- LOST Mysteries Song!
Hello there orsm! With LOST returning for its final season in a week, we proudly present a music video recapping all of the many mysteries LOST is yet to answer in hopes the writers will not let all the fans down. LOST: Answers?!
Absolutely hanging out for Lost. I'm betting they'll leave us hanging with half the stuff unanswered. Cool clip. -Orsm |
ejh3 wrote:
Subject: Lost an arm looking for golf balls? 1.21.10
If you go to Snopes, it gives you the correct data... Seems like the guy was actually snorkeling nearby (if you look in the first picture, next to the left knee of the guy in the red shirt, you see the snorkel) and that's where the attack took place. He staggered over to this group who helped him... |
Mark wrote:
Subject: Idiots!
I'm so fucking sick of these dead cunt fuckwits who insist on putting an apostrophe before an 's' to indicate who the fuck knows what. "Speed kill's." What in the name of all the world's useless black nigger cunts does that mean? Why in the flying fuck put an apostrophe there? What cunting purpose does that serve? It doesn't indicate a plural, or possession. Don't these ignocunts ever read a book? Don't they see that there are rules of spelling, sentence construction & grammar? It's really very simple. Observe. Learn. Follow the rules. I despair for our future. All these fucking dumb cunt Middle Eastern pig fuckers and drug-dealing fucking parasitic yellow cunt Asian boat people are destroying our language with their pig-ignorance and downright stupidity & laziness. I was taught English at school. I know how to construct a sentence and how to make myself understood. (Despite this current rant!) Ah, that's good. I feel so much better now. I've been a grumpy old man since I was 6 years old. I hate nearly everything in the world, and I appreciate the opportunity to get this particular annoyance aired. |
The Dreamleader wrote:
Subject: Apple
Hi Orsm! Still loving your site after all these years. Is this the latest product from Apple? The iCar? |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: BJ Hotel
About 2 k's from Hard Rock Hotel in Pattaya. Take your own wench if you want a happy ending though. No details please |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: amazing deal!
One of the best listings Ive ever seen. please hide my info. |
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Terry wrote:
Subject: Bernadette's Body after 122 years
These are the pictures of St. Bernadette who died 122 years ago in Lourdes, France and was buried; her body was only discovered 30 years ago. After church officials decided to examine it they discovered her body is still fresh until today and if you ever go to France you can see her in the church in Lourdes. Her body isn't decomposing because during her lifetime, the Mother of Jesus would always appear to her and give messages and advice to all mankind on the right way to live on this earth. Many miracles have taken place in this place of Lourdes and still do until today. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: boobies
Just some more nummies I found on Facebook. Enjoy! BRRRRITSKIE!(keep info private please)
StalkBook wins again. -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: License plate
Hey mate, long time reader, first time contributor. You know the story. Spotted this license plate the other day, thought you'd get a kick from it. Cheers, please hide my info if you decide to use this.
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Savannah Dragon wrote:
Subject: my whore ass wife
this bitch cheated on me while I was gone to basic training so if you don't wanna be screwed like I got screwed don't fuck with her if you would like to see more pics or vids e-mail me at savannahdragon7@aol.com |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Swedish cops
This is how the Swedish Police stop criminals!!!! P.s. The criminals weren't injured.
Swedish cops don't take kindly to motorists driving and using the phone. -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: found this somewhere
you know what you do. just keep me anonymous
More chins than a Chinese phone book... -Orsm
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OneMan wrote:
Subject: Funny letter boxes
While in Tasmania last week, i found a few funny letterboxes which I thought were very photo worthy. cheers |
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Denim Dan wrote:
Subject: Hurr Hurr. She's not, but...
Check out this tranny I met in Norway recently - how's the RACK on her/him
If that's a tranny then I'm now bisexual. -Orsm |
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Mark wrote:
Subject: Some pics for you.
You uploaded my photos from Sculpture By The Sea in Sydney a while back. I took these shots at my local servo yesterday. They're only iPhone shots but they're OK. Not sure if it's the sort of content you're after, use them if you like. It's completely up to you. And don't you just hate it when someone runs past just as you take a shot? Well, maybe not every time . . . . . More of the same [here]. |
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CJ wrote:
Subject: The Answer!
So this is why they are always smiling at the Rio Carnival!
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Paul Carol wrote:
Subject: Ex Girlfriend
Hi Orsm. I've been checking through some old pics and came across these of an ex from around 20 years ago. I remember her a fantastic fuck. She didn't care where we shagged! If you look closely in one pic you can see a spiders leg trying to break free. Enjoy! |
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Sami wrote:
Subject: Sunk Boat
Mindarie Marina Saturday morning they were dragging this upturned boat back in, god know's what happened to it? But they managed to get it turned over fairly easy..
Forget the trashed boat... the public humiliation would be excrutiating. -Orsm
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Stuart wrote:
Subject: ATC / BA Boeing 777 Crash at Heathrow
Air traffic control tapes from the BA038 Boeing 777 that landed short of runway 27L at London Heathrow. |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Lucky deputy
A Los Angeles Sheriff's deputy rookie walked in on an armed robbery inside a convenience store and never noticed the robber hurriedly stuffing his handgun back inside his pants before walking out. The deputy and her training officer had responded on a 911 hang up from a pay phone outside the store. The T.O. stayed in the car and sent the deputy inside to ask the clerk what was going on. When caught, the suspect told detectives he didn't kill the deputy because he didn't feel she posed a threat. |
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ken wrote:
Subject: Javelina video from the Bellah Ranch in West Texas
Mr. Orsm. Crikey, Mate, we're being overrun with javelina, and they're eating all of the deer corn.
WTF is a Javelina...? -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Updated version of the real man's bbq
You've probably been emailed a few JPGs of the real man's bbq. I checked it out and realized (fucken American spelling autocorrect) it was a recent listing so took the opportunity to PDF it up. For the easily confused, the first question asked is on the last page, the last question on the first, couldn't be fucked splicing it together...
I'm only posting this in the hope people will stop emailing it. Easily one of the most forwarded emails for the last year! -Orsm
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Sami wrote:
Subject: Bushfire
Bushfire near Karratha, WA. Scary driving through when you dont know what you're driving into!
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Brent wrote:
Subject: I got it. Can you?
Please look at the following problem: They say only people with an IQ with 120 and over are able to figure this out. If:
2 + 3 = 10
7 + 2 = 63
6 + 5 = 66
8 + 4 = 96
Then: 9 + 7 = ??? [The number you find out is the password to open the attachment.] |
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| DARE DORM |
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ORSM
VIDEO
A Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.
More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!" After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.
"I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life." "How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" sobs the Porsche owner.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you?" The Londoner looks down in horror. "FUCKING HELL!" he screams...."WHERE'S MY ROLEX????..."
| KAGNEY |
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Southern Baptists John and Marie went to the same Baptist church. Marie went every Sunday and taught Sunday school. John went on Christmas and Easter and, once in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays.
On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Marie and he noticed what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, John leaned forward and said, "Hey, Marie, how about you and me go to dinner next Friday?" "Why Yes, John, that would be nice," said Marie.
Well, John couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his car, and on Friday he picked up Marie and took her to dinner, the finest restaurant in town. When they sat down, John looked over at Marie said, "Hey, Marie, would you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, John was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Marie," said John, "Would you like a smoke?" "Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Poor John was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his car and was driving Marie home when they passed the Holiday Inn. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. "Hey, Marie," said John, "How would you like to stop at this motel with me?" "Sure, John, that would be nice," said Marie. Well, John couldn't believe his luck.
He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in with Marie.
The next morning John got up first. He looked at Marie lying there in the bed. "What have I done? What have I done?" thought John. He shook Marie and she woke up. "Marie, I've got to ask you one thing" said John. "What are you going to tell your Sunday school class?" Marie said, "The same thing I always tell them... you don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."
| HUNTIN' RIGS |
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During a recent Stars in Their Eyes episode, a young man in a wheelchair rolls on to the stage, and the host introduces him as Simon.
Host: "It's very brave you coming out here in your wheelchair - can you tell the audience what happened?" Simon: "About a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really big accident. Unfortunately, my uncle was killed outright, but I survived, trapped in the car for 6 hours and had to be cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours, but they couldn't save my legs."
Host: "That's terrible, but I see you have legs now, are they artificial?" Simon: "No, whilst in hospital, the doctors advised me that the uncle who had been in the car with me had passed away, but that his legs were fine, and that with all the advances in medical science, they could graft his legs onto my body. I have been having physiotherapy for 6 months, and I hope to be walking again by the end of the year."
Host: "That's fantastic. So, who are you going to be tonight?" Simon: "Well tonight I am going to be Simon and Half-Uncle."
ORSM
VIDEO
I do believe I'm done. Done expect for this last bit that is. How 'bout that...?
- Check out the site archives. They're not exactly vacuous.
- Next update will be next Thursday. True dat.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll punch you in the bum.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and try not to post shit no one cares about or makes you look stupid on FaceBook. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2010.01.21-22.53 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. An assault on uncommon decency.
I make it hard for myself at times. This whole blog thing is much, much easier when I devote an odd moment here and there to thinking up shit to fill this section with. It makes Thursday nights less stressful and occasionally works out that that everything is finished a couple of hours before deadline... that opposed to sliding into completion around 11pm. Fuck [some] Thursdays.
That reminds me - you guys email me almost constantly about the next/previous thing on the image galleries. Have been busy with this for far too long and we're so frickin' close it kills me but it's a case of one problem after another. Some technical stuff was majorly botched in the process [not by me] which was somewhat frustrating but fingers crossed it's all sorted soon. If not I'll sell the domain to the guy who offered me $500 for it a while back and move on with my life...
Amazing/scary how quickly Australia Day has come up. I'm barely over the Xmas/NY stuff. Tuesday is a public holiday which commemorates the Poms arrival and subsequent declaration of ownership a few years back. These days however it's basically just a good excuse for Aussies everywhere to have a BBQ, get drunk and watch fireworks.
So what am I doing for it? Currently nothing - feeling rather disinterested in the whole thing... at least until someone presents me with something worth doing. Last Oz Day was a cruise, quiet beer and fireworks from afar. Speaking for me and me alone, there was a time where it would have been sacrilegious to waste the day... or any day off for that matter. If you didn't push festivities to the absolute max and roll into work the next day dishevelled and woeful you just weren't trying hard enough. Now quiet and relaxed is more important so work the next day isn't an ordeal. How things change.
Moving on to my week. So damn busy with stuff that wasn't all that exciting I'm struggling to contain myself. Let me continue that struggle whilst I tell you all about it...
With the warning for some seriously hot temperatures over the weekend, genius within decided it would be better to get all the running around and errands done Friday. Turned out to be the right move as Saturday was the first of three consecutive over 40°C [104°F] days however this all turned to shit around lunchtime when a friend lobbed on my doorstep 'needing my help' to go and buy an iPhone. Uhuh...? What followed was 90 long minutes standing around while the sales staff tried to do the connection and another couple of hours of shopping. Note to self: never ever go anywhere near the shops with females. Ever.
Sunday is usually kicked off with a car washing extravaganza but due to the heat that stupid shit was quickly forgotten about. Instead I hid inside under the aircon doing work stuff [aka surfing the web, looking at porn etc]. Admittedly kind of sad but as much as I'm enjoying the hot days this year there is a limit. Mid afternoon was a lap along the coast which was as much about getting out of the house as it was perving. The rest of the day was spent hanging out with various friends, the consumption of Baskin Robins 'peanut butter chocolate' and laughing uncontrollably at that Wipe Out show. All up a rather agreeable Sunday.
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--
Little Vito was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said to him, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little Vito replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little Vito answered, "No... he minded his own fucking business!!"
--
A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute." The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute". She asked, "What happened to beautiful?" The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
ORSM
VIDEO
A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on board bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time.
He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry driver pulls over. "Where they going?" asks the Irish chap.
"Do us a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me" says the driver, "and here's a hundred quid for your troubles."
"Grand, happy days," says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck and gets on his way.
The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him down again.
"What are you playing at," he fumes, "I told you to take them to Chester Zoo!"
"I did just dat and we had a grand time," says the bemused Irish fella, "but der's still fifty quid left so we're going to the pub..."
| CRISTA MOORE |
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OXYMORONS
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is whack?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
Why is 'phonics' not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
ORSM
VIDEO
| DARE DORM |
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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the Bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain."
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in." "When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says ANYTHING during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a mountainous stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mum horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father stands and shouts "OKAY OKAY! I"LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!!"
| LET'S LEZ THINGS UP |
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember!" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have been released today."
| RECYCLED HOUSE |
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READER MAIL
Ever so slowly catching up on the backlog of email and thankfully so - some absolutely stellar submissions of late, it was almost criminal to have them tucked away unseen. That said, if you would like to be one of the cool people and have your wares displayed for the world to see then simply --> click here <-- and simply email me. Simple.
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marc wrote:
Subject: Kwinana Centrelink Motorsport Team.
1986 VL Holden Commodore. Modifications include chopped springs, mismatched rims, Victoria Bitter dash mat, fluffy dice, and HOLDEN RACING sticker on windscreen. A second "arc it or park it" sticker is to be added. The Nissan 3.0 has been removed and A WORKED 202 engine resides under the bonnet, and modifications include a 2nd hand air filter, and I cut the muffler off to make it louder. I've also fitted fluoro spark plug leads, cos they look tops. The team has HEAPS of spare parts, from the 3 Commodores parked on bricks out the front its rented facilities (State Housing) in Kwinana. |
Vee wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Hey Mr Orsm. Great bit of branding on this fruit box, lil' guy in the picture knows
what's going on ;) Cheers
Everyone knows you can't go wrong with BJ's and melons. -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Another facebook idiot
A post about idiots little did he know it was about him. Please hold my details Thanks!
Oh - so I'm not the only one with FB 'friends' I hate? -Orsm |
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cj wrote:
Subject: For sale: One Pain In The Ass Fiance ...
Goodday Mr. Orsm, I emailed you the link to this but I thought I would send you the HTML just in case the page gets pulled down - I hope you can see this. Sounds like someone is just a little bit fed up, and quite drunk, as well. Have a great week! Regards. |
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simon wrote:
Subject: HOW NOT TO FISH
A little photo of some poor fishing techniques - how not to do it.
Hope you threw him back. -Orsm |
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TORQ wrote:
Subject: She has a warm heart :)
My R1 - ooooh - I love those colours ...
Some definite Pride colours there dude... -Orsm |
Grant wrote:
Subject: sign posted on private property
Hi. Didn't stick around to find out.
Maybe it was just warning you off a guy who likes long, philisophical chats. -Orsm
|
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Radar wrote:
Subject: Wikipedia hates Haiti
Hi, I managed to jump onto wikipedia just at the right time a few days back to find this. By the time I refreshed the page, it was gone, but I was quick enough to get a screen cap. I have no idea how long it was up for. Enjoy. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: A whore who loves being fisted
This is a whore who has fucked just about everybody in town. She lives in a project in Mississippi. Withhold info please
One for the chubby lovers. -Orsm
|
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David wrote:
Subject: Granny Smith Gold Mine
Mack vs. CAT - the CAT won |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: (no subject)
thought you might like to use these first time contributor hide the details please
I do. I do like them. -Orsm
|
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mike wrote:
Subject: What Elin probably wishes for Tiger!
Some motivation to keep em in the fairway. From South Carolina. Don't go fishing for your golf ball. What is a Golf Ball Worth?
An arm and a leg apparently... -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Please do not publish my email addy. Cheers dude..
Here are some pics from the Clipsal... Behind the Scenes with the Clipsal Girls.. Great Job.. |
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Bobby wrote:
Subject: locked horns
The power of these deer is incredible to drag a dead deer around for a few days. On November 6, a relative, Dona Viereck, called to tell us that she was driving to Canton , South Dakota and had seen a buck in the distance with his head down. It wasn't moving, and although she honked the car horn repeatedly, he wouldn't raise his head. [continues] |
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Stuart wrote:
Subject: Best Duct tape story... ever!
During a private "fly-in" fishing excursion in the Alaskan wilderness, the chartered pilot and fishermen left a cooler and bait in the plane. And a bear smelled it. This is what he did to the plane. The pilot used his radio and had another pilot bring him 2 new tyres, 3 cases of duct tape, and a supply of sheet plastic. He patched the plane together, and FLEW IT HOME! |
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terry wrote:
Subject: Batmobile
Forget the Batmobile, Here Is the Bat-Limo |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Speed Kill's
A 18yo was killed when her black Porsche 911 Carrera clipped a Honda she was trying to pass on the right at more than 100mph. Driving southbound when she suddenly switched lanes and lost control of the Porsche and then cut across the center median, careened across several lanes of traffic and crashed into a tollbooth. The 20yo driver of the Honda was taken to a local hospital and treated for minor injuries. The cause of the accident is under investigation. |
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Benjamin wrote:
Subject: some pics for your site
Greetings, i have more to share with you. this time its a psycho bitch that thought i was trying to get with her daughter cause i was giving her some relationship advice. use what you want, as allways, i don't care of my details are public. let the world know i'm exposing hoes one at a time!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: SA Ebony Whore
Thought you'd like some of these pics of this South African ebony whore performing great deep throat, as well as showing of her large amazing tits and over-sized areola. Please withhold my email/details....
Oversized? They are fucking HUGE. -Orsm
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| DARE DORM |
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ORSM
VIDEO
24 THINGS ABOUT TO BECOME EXTINCT IN AMERICA
24. YELLOW PAGES
This year will be pivotal for the global Yellow Pages industry. Much like newspapers, print Yellow Pages will continue to bleed dollars to their various digital counterparts, from Internet
Yellow Pages (IYPs), to local search engines and combination search/listing services like Reach Local and Yodel Factors like an acceleration of the print 'fade rate' and the looming recession will contribute to the onslaught. One research firm predicts the falloff in usage of newspapers and print Yellow Pages could even reach 10% this year -- much higher than the 2%-3% fade rate seen in past years.
23. CLASSIFIED ADS
The Internet has made so m any things obsolete that newspaper classified ads might sound like just another trivial item on a long list. But this is one of those harbingers of the future that could signal the end of civilization as we know it. The argument is that if newspaper classifieds are replaced by free online listings at sites like Craigslist.org and Google Base, then newspapers are not far behind them.
22. MOVIE RENTAL STORES
While Netflix is looking up at the moment, Blockbuster keeps closing store locations by the hundreds. It still has about 6,000 left across the world, but those keep dwindling and the stock is down considerably in 2008, especially since the company gave up a quest of Circuit City. Movie Gallery, which owned the Hollywood Video brand, closed up shop earlier this year. Countless small video chains and mom-and-pop stores have given up the ghost already.
21. DIAL-UP INTERNET ACCESS
Dial-up connections have fallen from 40% in 2001 to 10% in 2008. The combination of an infrastructure to accommodate affordable high speed Internet connections and the disappearing home phone have all but pounded the final nail in the coffin of dial-up Internet access.
20. PHONE LANDLINES
According to a survey from the National Center for Health Statistics, at the end of 2007, nearly one in six homes was cell-only and, of those homes that had landlines, one in eight only received calls on their cells.
19. CHESAPEAKE BAY BLUE CRABS
Maryland's icon, the blue crab, has been fading away in Chesapeake Bay. Last year Maryland saw the lowest harvest (22 million pounds) since 1945. Just four decades ago the bay produced 96 million pounds. The population is down 70% since 1990, when they first did a formal count. There are only about 120 million crabs in the bay and they think they need 200 million for a sustainable population. Over-fishing, pollution, invasive species and global warming get the blame.
18. VCRs
For the better part of three decades, the VCR was a best-seller and staple in every American household until being completely decimated by the DVD, and now the Digital Video Recorder (DVR). In fact, the only remnants of the VHS age at your local Wal-Mart or Radio Shack are blank VHS tapes these days. Pre-recorded VHS tapes are largely gone and VHS decks are practically nowhere to be found. They served us so well.
17. ASH TREES
In the late 1990s, a pretty, iridescent green species of beetle, now known as the emerald ash borer, hitched a ride to North America with ash wood products imported from eastern Asia. In less than a decade, its larvae have killed millions of trees in the Midwest, and continue to spread. They've killed more than 30 million ash trees in south-eastern Michigan alone, with tens of millions more lost in Ohio and Indiana. More than 7.5 billion ash trees are currently at risk.
16. HAM RADIO
Amateur radio operators enjoy personal (and often worldwide) wireless communications with each other and are able to support their communities with emergency and disaster communications if necessary, while increasing their personal knowledge of electronics and radio theory. However, proliferation of the Internet and its popularity among youth has caused the decline of amateur radio. In the past five years alone, the number of people holding active ham radio licenses has dropped by 50,000, even though Morse Code is no longer a requirement.
15. THE SWIMMING HOLE
Thanks to our litigious society, swimming holes are becoming a thing of the past. '20/20' reports that swimming hole owners, like Robert Every in High Falls, NY, are shutting them down out of worry that if someone gets hurt they'll sue. And that's exactly what happened in Seattle. The city of Bellingham was sued by Katie Hofstetter who was paralysed in a fall at a popular swimming hole in Whatcom Falls Park. As injuries occur and lawsuits follow, expect more swimming holes to post 'Keep out!' signs.
14. ANSWERING MACHINES
The increasing disappearance of answering machines is directly tied to No 20 our list -- the decline of landlines. According to USA Today, the number of homes that only use cell phones jumped 159% between 2004 and 2007. It has been particularly bad in New York; since 2000, landline usage has dropped 55%. It's logical that as cell phones rise, many of them replacing traditional landlines, that there will be fewer answering machines.
13. CAMERAS THAT USE FILM
It doesn't require a statistician to prove the rapid disappearance of the film camera in America. Just look to companies like Nikon, the professional's choice for quality camera equipment. In 2006, it announced that it would stop making film cameras, pointing to the shrinking market -- only 3% of its sales in 2005, compared to 75% of sales from digital cameras and equipment.
12. INCANDESCENT BULBS
Before a few years ago, the standard 60-watt (o r, yikes, 100-watt) bulb was the mainstay of every U.S. home. With the green movement and all-things-sustainable-energy crowd, the Compact Fluorescent Lightbulb (CFL) is largely replacing the older, Edison-era incandescent bulb. The EPA reports that 2007 sales for Energy Star CFLs nearly doubled from 2006, and these sales accounted for approximately 20 percent of the U.S. light bulb market. And according to USA Today, a new energy bill plans to phase out incandescent bulbs in the next four to 12 years.
11. STAND-ALONE BOWLING ALLEYS
Bowling Balls. US claims there are still 60 million Americans who bowl at least once a year, but many are not bowling in stand-alone bowling alleys. Today most new bowling alleys are part of facilities for all types or recreation including laser tag, go-karts, bumper cars, video game arcades, climbing walls and glow miniature golf. Bowling lanes also have been added to many non-traditional venues such as adult communities, hotels and resorts, and gambling casinos.
10. THE MILKMAN
According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, in 1950, over half of the milk delivered was to the home in quart bottles, by 1963, it was about a third and by 2001, it represented only 0.4% percent. Nowadays most milk is sold through supermarkets in gallon jugs. The steady decline in home-delivered milk is blamed, of course, on the rise of the supermarket, better home refrigeration and longer-lasting milk. Although some milkmen still make the rounds in pockets of the U.S., they are certainly a dying breed.
9. HAND-WRITTEN LETTERS
In 2006, the Radicati Group estimated that, worldwide, 183 billion e-mails were sent each day. Two million each second. By November of 2007, an estimated 3.3 billion Earthlings owned cell phones, and 80% of the world's population had access to cell phone coverage. In 2004, half-a-trillion text messages were sent, and the number has no doubt increased exponentially since then. So where amongst this gorge of gabble is there room for the elegant, polite hand-written letter?
8. WILD HORSES
It is estimated that 100 years ago, as many as two million horses were roaming free within the United States. In 2001, National Geographic News estimated that the wild horse population had decreased to about 50,000 head. Currently, the National Wild Horse and Burro Advisory board states that there are 32,000 free roaming horses in ten western states, with half of them residing in Nevada. The Bureau of Land Management is seeking to reduce the total number of free range horses to 27,000, possibly by selective euthanasia.
7. PERSONAL CHECKS
According to an American Bankers Assoc. report, a net 23% of consumers plan to decrease their use of checks over the next two years, while a net 14% plan to increase their use of PIN debit. Bill payment remains the last stronghold of paper-based payments - for the time being. Checks continue to be the most commonly used bill payment method, with 71% of consumers paying at least one recurring bill per month by writing a check. However, on a bill-by-bill basis, checks account for only 49% of consumers' recurring bill payments (down from 72% in 2001 and 60% in 2003).
6. DRIVE-IN THEATERS
During the peak in 1958, there were more than 4,000 drive-in theatres in this country, but in 2007 only 405 drive-ins were still operating. Exactly zero new drive-ins have been built since
2005. Only one reopened in 2005 and five reopened in 2006, so there isn't much of a movement toward reviving the closed ones.
5. MUMPS & MEASLES
Despite what's been in the news lately, the measles and mumps actually, truly are disappearing from the United States. In 1964, 212,000 cases of mumps were reported in the U.S. By 1983, this figure had dropped to 3,000, thanks to a vigorous vaccination program. Prior to the introduction of the measles vaccine, approximately half a million cases of measles were reported in the U.S. annually, resulting in 450 deaths. In 2005, only 66 cases were recorded.
4. HONEY BEES
Perhaps nothing on our list of disappearing America is so dire; plummeting so enormously; and so necessary to the survival of our food supply as the honey bee. Very scary. 'Colony Collapse Disorder,' or CCD, has spread throughout the U.S. and Europe over the past few years, wiping out 50% to 90% of the colonies of many beekeepers -- and along with it, their livelihood.
3. NEWS MAGAZINES AND TV NEWS
While the TV evening newscasts haven't gone anywhere over the last several decades, their audiences have. In 1984, in a story about the diminishing returns of the evening news, the New York Times reported that all three network evening-news programs combined had only 40.9 million viewers. Fast forward to 2008, and what they have today is half that.
2. ANALOG TV
According to the Consumer Electronics Association, 85% of homes in the U.S. get their television programming through cable or satellite providers. For the remaining 15% - or 13 million individuals -- who are using rabbit ears or a large outdoor antenna to get their local stations, change is in the air. If you are one of these people you'll need to get a new TV or a converter box in order to get the new stations which will only be broadcast in digital.
1. THE FAMILY FARM
Since the 1930s, the number of family farms has been declining rapidly. According to the USDA, 5.3 million farms dotted the nation in 1950, but this number had declined to 2.1 million by the 2003 farm census (data from the 2007 census hasn't yet been published). Ninety-one percent of the U.S. FARMS are small Family Farms.
| SARAHHHH |
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"Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says. Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.
After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?" Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday."
| MAD FACIAL HAIR |
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A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. The Doctor asks what happened. The woman says "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp..." The Doctor says "I have a really good medicine against that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling
with it. Just gargle and gargle".
Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.
The woman says "Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me". The Doctor replies "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!!"
ORSM
VIDEO
The time has come.. to do the outro...
- Check out the site archives... because honestly - what else do you have to do?
- Next update will be next Thursday. Pertinent deity willing.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and happy Australia Day. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2010.01.14-22.51 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. If you want to know how the pro's do it - don't feel like you can't ask...
Holy frikin' Thursday. How glad I am this week is almost over. It's been one thing after another and far from the 'this is gonna be my year' start I was hoping for. Everything is either breaking, annoying or some combo thereof.
For starters, I'm starting to feel like there's a conspiracy against me perpetrated by the powerful earth moving lobby. Up until today, for the last week and a half some ballbag with a front end loader has been busy on the block behind my house. It's not even that big an area so I can't help but wonder what the fuck they're doing. Surely this amount of activity has to result in a missile silo or at very least an incredibly deep mass grave. The rumble of him and his wanker mates in their huge trucks carting sand away since Monday last is inescapable no matter how loud I crank the tunes.
This is a common theme in my little world - the past few months has seen activity across the road, down the street, down the street and behind me and now directly behind. It's for this reason I'm praying for another economic meltdown which will hopefully bring an end to all construction.
Remember a couple of years back I had a several month battle with LG over a faulty refrigerator? Of course you don't... but I did and it was a huge fucking imposition which made me swear of their products forever. With this in mind you can understand why anger levels were pushed to an all time high when the still-kind-of-new replacement fridge shat itself a few days ago although surprisingly they came out and fixed it an hour after I called. Can you say speechless? Thumbs up Electrolux.
It didn't end there. Next thing to clap out was the air-conditioner. Not majorly - all that was required was some testing, minor repairs and I'm cool again. Add to this the reticulation which also requires the attention of a professional and don't even get me started on Samsung and their incompetent, retarded warranty claims staff. The saga of a dead LCD monitor has been going since August and it's still no closer to resolution. Unbelievable. Fuck you Samsung - I'm buying Sony in future.
So let's do the numbers for January shall we? $200 for air, $150 for fridge, couple of c-notes on wedding presents, $850 for the dogs injury and we're only half way through. There'd have to be a thank you card in the mail from Visa any day now. It may very well be time for a second job...
Moving on... I find myself filled with fervent adulation for the Australian media and their reporting of the earthquake tragedy in Haiti. Apparently the most important part of this terrible event is not the 100,000 people presumed dead, nor the countless others left homeless, lives in taters - the most reported fact today has been the 'one Australian missing'. Gee... as long as they find him alive and well I can rest easy tonight...
Okay enough ranting. Shit hasn't been ALL bad. Friday was my cousins wedding. Second one on my social calendar for the week and a highly enjoyable, albeit family oriented experience. Tiny ceremony and lunch by the river which went most of the day then home for a freshen up before heading out to a friend's birthday party. Total about 15 hours of celebrating and a model for perfect Friday's everywhere.
The weekend was spent close to home. I put my efforts towards sorting through my CD collection. Incredible how many songs I'd forgotten, how terrible some of the stuff I loved back in the 90's was but by the same token rediscovered some amazing tracks you just don't hear anymore. Sunday began with cleaning the car and by some stroke of energy segued to gardening, wedding and ant eradication. As usual fingers pessimistically crossed that will be the last of it for a while...
Alright enough with the blog nonsense... blonsense? It's time now to prepare yourselves for a stunningly stellar Orsm update. Many Bothans died to bring you this so... check it...
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My girlfriend and I were making love when she looked up at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies." So I turned her over on all fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled out, flipped her back over and came all over her face and hair. I never saw her again after that night. I guess we don't watch the same movies.
--
Confucius say: "Treat your woman like a vacuum cleaner, if she stops sucking, replace the bag."
--
A guy gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. As the cop is writing up the ticket, the guy asks, "Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?" "Yes" replies the cop. He then asks, "Can you arrest me for thinking something?" "No" replies the cop. "Well then," says the man, "I think you're A CUNT!"
--
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
ORSM
VIDEO
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% beginning January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organisation of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."
Mr Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"
Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands where he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathise with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.
Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that. It's too much of a mouthful to swallow".
Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.
| CELESTE, CHARLIE & KELLE - DOES ANYONE CARE WHICH IS WHICH? |
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To: ALL STAFF
From: THE MANAGEMENT
Subject: The Use of Bad Language in the Work Place
It has been brought to the attention of the management that some people have been using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to complaints from some of the employees who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated in the work place. However, because we appreciate the importance and value of staff being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with other employees, the Human Resources section has compiled a list of 'phrase replacements' so the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without offending our more sensitive co-workers.
"You fucking loser" becomes "Well that was unfortunate"
"No fucking way" becomes "I'm fairly sure that's not feasible"
"You're fucking kidding" becomes "Really!"
"Tell someone who gives a fuck" becomes Have you run that by anyone else?"
"No cunt told me" becomes "I wasn't involved in that project"
"I don't have fucking time" becomes "Perhaps I can work late"
"Who fucking cares" becomes "Are you sure that's a problem"
"Eat shit and die" becomes "You don't say"
"Eat shit and die motherfucker" becomes "You don't say, Sir"
"Kiss my arse" becomes "So you'd like me to help you"
"He's a fucking prick" becomes "He's somewhat intensive"
"She's a ball busting bitch" becomes "She's an aggressive go-getter"
"You haven't got a fucking clue" becomes "You could use more training"
"This place is fucked" becomes "We're a bit disorganised today"
"What sort of fuckwit are you" becomes "You're new here aren't you"
"Fuck off shithead" becomes "Well there you go"
"You're a fucking wanker" becomes "You're my superior, I respect you"
"Fuck off dickhead" becomes "I no longer require your help"
"Fuck off" becomes "I'll see to it and get back to you"
"How did you get this piece of shit to work" becomes "Well done"
ORSM
VIDEO
| LOVELY LATIN-AH'S |
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Two fishermen were adrift in their rented boat due to an engine failure. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.
One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!"
| GIRLS WITH BIG BOOBS |
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CLARKSONISM'S
Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...
- "I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch."
- "The last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany."
- Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: "It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom."
- On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car. It begins with 's' and ends with 't' and it isn't soot."
- "The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite."
- "The air conditioning in a Lambo used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw."
- "Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"
- "This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying 'Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.'"
- "I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"
- Clarkson's highway code on cyclists: "Trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong."
- "Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe... probably because they don't have wheel-chair access."
- "Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show… so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"
- On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory."
- "Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer."
- "I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty to be on my plate at supper time."
- "There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face."
- "Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under her tweed pants. I do, and it helps."
- "You cannot have this car with a diesel. It's like saying, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lap dance, she's a woman!"
- "Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President."
- On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."
| WINTER WONDER |
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READER MAIL
With almost four weeks of email sitting quietly in my inbox waiting for its day on the main page, there was practically no chance of me getting through it all. I got about half way which, considering the volume, is not a bad effort. You guys have been busy bombarding me and for that I thank you all muchly. Honestly if there were no stigma attached I may even consider giving a blowjob to some of you.
I'm also all about cleaning house at the moment too so if you feel like it click here to unearth a huge Overflow of mail from last year which I never got around to putting anywhere.
If you would like to submit something for RM, RS or any other acronyms then you may do so here.
Lee wrote:
Subject: Liscense Plate Picture
My buddy found took this picture in St. Peters, Missouri. Obviously they didn't think this plate all the way through. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: WHERE'S WHITEY
Remember the kids, puzzle book "Where's Wally's. This is Durban beach 26 December 2009. -+ 20 thousand people. On New Years day it was reported to be packed with 70(seventy) thousand people. Don't have any pictures of that day, quite scary!'The Star' newspaper did print one. Look it up on there web page. Please hold my details, thanks and come enjoy the would cup. |
Bill wrote:
Subject: EBAY
EBAY feedback
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JD wrote:
Subject: Crazy Canadian
Dear ORSM, Been enjoying my Sunday coffee while visiting your site for many years. Thanks for the entertainment. Driving around my town, Edmonton, Alberta, Canada and came across this fool riding his side car motorbike. Road are horrible and it's minus 13 |
Jd wrote:
Subject: FB Revenge
OK here is the deal, this dudes sister busts him for having beer in his room, his parents ground him for 3 months, he finds her "Hook-Up-List" and posts it on Facebook, then tags thepeople involved... |
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h.d wrote:
Subject: Random Shit Oo
Here I had find a funny Picture on a german single site.... Looks like Planet of the Apes. ;) |
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Roger wrote:
Subject: French Cheese from Alaska
Hi Orsm. Thought you might find the attached vaguely amusing. Raclette is a kind of cheese, apparently the kind you fish out of the "pristine rivers of Alaska". This is not photoshopped, you can see it by searching "gourmet food" on Amazon.com for "Raclette". |
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Dubs wrote:
Subject: Snowed in
Great Brittain 07 jan from NASA
Looks delicious. -Orsm
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connors wrote:
Subject: Tattoo
My mates nickname is wombat so he got instructions tattoo'd on his side so you can make your own "origami" wombat. Orsm.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Picture of 'orsm'
Hi, first time poster, long time viewer. Many thanks for the hours of weekly viewing. I found this while out driving, and would like to share it with everyone. Please withhold my details. Thank you
Wonder how many times he's been asked "Hey do you run that website?". -Orsm
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Gord wrote:
Subject: Tiger's not unfaithful, just uneducated.....
As he approached a billion dollars in net worth, Tiger Woods decided that he needed some advice to deal with his fortune. He figured that who would be better to talk to than Bill Gates right? Super rich, does all the right things. So one afternoon Bill & Tiger sit around and Bill starts telling Tiger all about the good things he does with his money such as the Children's Vaccine Program, the Global Health Program, the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation etc. and Tiger is amazed by the generosity of the Microsoft Man. He asks Bill why he does it and Bill says "well Tiger, there is little that your fortune can do for you in your heart, but to be a philanthropist is the best a man can do with this much wealth". Unfortunately, by the time Tiger got home, he couldn't quite remember that long 'ph' word that Bill had used, so he went to his computer to see just what it was that Bill Gates had recommended to feel truly good about himself...... unfortunately, he clicked on the wrong line...... (made that one up myself, beat that for originality) |
James wrote:
Subject: Merry Xmas!
From the pool @ hard rock hotel Bali
I hope the pool was cold and the beer was warm. Bastard. -Orsm
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Jason wrote:
Subject: my gay mate
Here is a pic of a dude we know doin what he does best. taking it. He is the ranga. :-)
That's all ranga's are good for really. -Orsm |
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Eric wrote:
Subject: slippery when wet
Found this pic on facebook, thought someone else might like to see it.
I get it...! -Orsm
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Ben wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Silly spelling error
Ameringlish... -Orsm
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Store Closed. A must see
Freedom of speech is fine but the freedom to purchase where we want is satisfying. In Texas yet? I can't believe it is there to close for the day. In Houston... Harwin Central Mall: The very first store that you come to when you walk from the lobby of the building into the shopping area had this sign posted on their door. The shop is run by Muslims. Feel free to share this with others. Imam Ali flew one of the planes into the twin towers. Nice huh? Try telling me we're not in a Religious war! |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Getting ready for the Olympics!
Vancouver B.C, Canada. I would like to share this gorgeous picture with you. |
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Kirumburu wrote:
Subject: BillBoard
Hi, Nothing say welcome like"Do Not Kill Me". Karibu is actually a Swahili word meaning Welcome. |
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Dazza wrote:
Subject: Priceless !!!
Hi ORSM. I have just see your website for the first time and enjoy allot of the jokes, pics and video's You have on there. I got this email from a mate living in the USA yesterday. Keep up the good work on your website! This is a picture of an event during Sunday's game during a timeout at the Texans/Jaguars game this past Sunday. |
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Michael wrote:
Subject: This week's update... WORTH YOUR TIME!!
These were found in several Denver-area grocery stores. some genius with a lot of know-how made new labels for Gatorade and managed to get them delivered to a number of stores. One of the people involved was caught, and indicated that there was no malicious intent AND that the product itself was not tampered with. The fellow who did it said that his intention was "to create conversation." Apparently, the Feds are getting involved with this, as label tampering might be a federal offense. Brilliant, regardless! |
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| DARE DORM |
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ORSM
VIDEO
A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighbouring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door "Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked. "No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?" "No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No sir, He went with Mum and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad." "Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."
| LUX KASSIDY |
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One rainy night in Spring Hill, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the kerb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered. "Milton Road", answered the woman. "OK", he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?" "Well ma'am", replied the driver, "I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?" Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"
| SMART ANSWERS |
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BLACK HURRICANES
It appears that members of the African American community have found yet something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman from Florida has complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names. She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal.
She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in language that street people can understand because one of the problems that happened in New Orleans was, that black people couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation, due to the racially biased language of the weather report.
I can hear it now: A weatherman in Miami and Tampa says... Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket! Bitch be a category fo'! So grab yo' chirren, yo' Ho, be leavin yo crib, and head fo' da nearest guv'ment office fo yo FREE shit!
ORSM
VIDEO
Alright let's do this...
- Check out the site archives. If you were a friend you would.
- For no other reason than I said so, next update will be next Thursday.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time stay off the chems if you dare. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2010.01.07-21.38 |
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Orsm.net. Something for everyone... except commercial fisherman.
Jesus fucking Christ - back already. It wasn't supposed to be this way but with the pressures of life, snotty Orsm surfers and a bulging mail inbox my holiday break, not unlike a teenage pregnancy, was ended prematurely. All I'm saying is that when I break down nervously and/or die it's you dudes who will be blamed and/or haunted. Admittedly though, whilst I would have preferred to be sitting on my butt for a while longer the downside is allowing the pile of stuff needing my attention to grow. It's a nasty trap I've knowingly fallen into many times which generally elicits a martyr type response when anyone asks how I'm going. Ie. "How you going? "Good... really busy though. Can't seem to get on top of things after the holidays".
Speaking of which... the last couple of weeks off have actually been a little slice of nice. It started with the present shopping gayness which -amazingly- was all sorted in one morning. Every other shopping trip following was mostly to do with breasts. Christmas Day was superbly low key. Matter of fact, everyone I've spoken to had a low key Xmas. A sign of the times perhaps? I went as far as skipping lunch and doing family stuff either side. Definitely better than the typical gut-busting of high-bad foods. As for prezzies... got the alarm clock radio I wanted and an angle grinder. Score.
The gap between Xmas and New Years flew by in a big blur but it definitely wasn't wasted. In between some ridiculously hot weather I managed to squeeze in a whole day of video games, several cruises down the coast, two days by the pool, the beach, a couple of lunches, some QT with the fam, series 3 of The Wire, and caught up with various friends who I haven't seen for far too long.
I don't really know how it is elsewhere but here there are two ways to celebrate the New Year - have a massive NY's Eve or a massive NY's Day. It is possible to do both but [I'm told...] vast quantities of drugs are required. I went for the New Years Eve thing because that's what I always do and a daytime party in sweltering heat has never really appealed.
Anyway our night kicked off at the same city bar we rocked in the 99/2000 NY. Was a fucking great time, got just a little bit loose and suddenly it was 2am closing time. It was about this time I bailed my mates as they were homeward bound. WTF dudes? Destination a club on the other side of the city. Now, if it were day it would have been a nice walk but at night you're a good chance to get bashed by an ice junkie so I toddled off to the cab rank to join the very loooong sloooow line. About halfway down my phone rang with the news my club friends were bailing home too. WTF dudes? Okay next option... party a few suburbs away I'll go there. Jump forward, I'm finally in a cab, its 4am aaaand... I was all out of puff so home time it was. WTF Orsm? Not quite the exciting adventure I was hoping for but at very least the cab line did provide almost endless entertainment of nasty drunk girls unashamedly flashing their bits and sleazy guys chasing them.
As for how my New Year has started - hit and miss applies. Firstly, scratched my wheels on a curb. Not fucking happy. Secondly, dog and I hit the beach Monday morn where she accidentally collided with another mutt as it ran past. A very large gash, $850 vet bill and a lot of guilt on my part, thankfully there'll be no permanent damage. Thirdly, first wedding of the season was later that day and it was easily the best one I've been to this year. Congrats Jon & Cath.
Okay I say we get busy with the update - who's with me? To start the new decade I've assembled a big mother-fucker that'll make you laugh harder than Aids. Check it...
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Don't even think about paying for porn on the
net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on
the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn?
Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us
who get
it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and
accept paying for porn the less free
porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!
If you've been reading my site for any
period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie
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Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today.
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did I mention it's all free too? Check
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Get Tanked - Backflip Ouchies - SciFi Godess - Near Death - American Pie's - Today's Awww - Finger Pussy
Crazy Ho - Buy An Island - News Bloopers - Chicki's Hottest - Geronimo!! - Perverted Dad - Epic Boobs
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My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her, can eat whenever she wants and all provided at no cost to her. She visits the doc once a year for a check-up plus whenever else is necessary. She lives in a nice house that is much larger than she needs but is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep and receives these accommodations absolutely free. She lives like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever - the tab is picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day. I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me - Holy crap! My dog is an Aboriginal!
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Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on eBay?? I put in a bid for a "Mickey Mouse outfit" and now it seems I am only six minutes away from owning the bloody "Fremantle Dockers Football Club"...
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Excellent news I've just discovered Twitter. It's my girlfriends sensitive area between her Twat and her Shitter.
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A guy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked. "Probably" said the guy "she burns everything else!"
ORSM
VIDEO
A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One Australian soldier is better than ten Taliban."
The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then calls out, "One Australian is better than a hundred Taliban soldiers." furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The Australian voice calls out, "One Australian is better than one thousand Taliban". The enraged Taliban commander musters a thousand fighters and sends them over the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire rings out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.
Finally one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There's two of them!"
| TEEN SLUMBER PARTY |
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A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?" The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job." The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap!
No hand-job is worth that kind of money!" The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes." "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" "Yes." "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes." "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed in awe of the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?" The hooker replies, "$1,500." "I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up!"
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?" The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us: All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows? "Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
"No," the hooker replies, "but I would... if I had a pussy."
ORSM
VIDEO
| DARE DORM |
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Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California, was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Congressman Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.
The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory. On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889'.
So Judy recently e-mailed Congressman Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle. Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:
"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honour when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
Now that's what you call POLITICAL SPIN!
| GIMME A SMOOCH |
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AUSSIE BLONDE
A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. "I'm sorry," St Peter said; "But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals."
"That's cool" said the blonde, "What does the Entrance Exam consist of?" "Just three questions" said St Peter. "Which are?" asked the blonde.
"The first," said St Peter, "is, which two days of the week start with the letter "T" "? The second is "How many seconds are there in a year?" The third is "What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"
"Now," said St Peter, "Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me."
So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, "I have." "Well then," said St Peter, "Which two days of the week start with the letter T?" The blonde said, "Today and Tomorrow."
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question. "Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?" St Peter went on, "how many seconds in a year?" The Blonde replied, "Twelve!"
"Only twelve?" exclaimed St Peter, "How did you arrive at that figure?" "Easy," said the blonde, "there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds."
St Peter looked at the blonde and said, "I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision." And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. "I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"
The blonde replied: "Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer..." "Really!" exclaimed St Peter, "And what is the answer?" "It's Andy." "ANDY??" "Yes, Andy," said the blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked "How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?" "Easy" said the blonde, "Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited "til his billy boiled."
And the blonde entered Heaven...
| THE QUEEN VICTORIA |
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READER MAIL
Massive mail booya. Normally I wouldn't post this much but to make it look like I've been busy, this is a whole bunch of submissions from '09 that for one reason or another yours truly didn't get around to posting. Don't let that deter you however - there is so much cool shit below you'll walk funny until Easter.
If you would like to submit something for RM, RS or any other acronyms then you may do so here. Oh and FYI everyone who has emailed stuff over the last couple of weeks - I will get it up throughout Jan. And with that... check it before someone else does and you miss out...
mark wrote:
Subject: some newspapers never learn
Todays daily telegraph
Isn't that just a touch of unfortunate... -Orsm
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Tomas wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Hey, Check out this fortified wine from Jundah in Queensland.
How could anyone not be sold by that? -Orsm
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Locky wrote:
Subject: building company
Hey man. Saw this on my way home from Melbourne the other day and had to look twice. Turns out its a building company... Cheers
... and something you do when lonely. -Orsm
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Paul wrote:
Subject: Cock fish sauce
Hey Mr. Orsm, Great site. Keep up the good work. A co-worker of mine brought this in to work to make a stir fry. Couldn't pass up the opportunity to take pic and send it to you. Hope you can use it. |
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mike wrote:
Subject: But do they bloom?
Captured at 115th and Allisonville Rd. in Fishers ( Indianapolis ).. The sign is real and was up for two hours before someone stopped and told them how to spell PEONIES! |
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Ben wrote:
Subject: random shit
Hey Mr Orsm, A good pic of my m8 yakkin cause he cant handle his piss haha... orsm site keep it up
POWER chuck. -Orsm
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Gary wrote:
Subject: grasshopper trying to rip off me hog
i catch this prick trying to rip off me hog... the biggest fucken grasshopper i've eva seen. |
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Ronnie wrote:
Subject: The saddest and most depressing picture in the universe!!!
Keep up the good work. Publish my details if you want |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Hi ORSM, Another deadly fire. Nairobi's been experiencing strange fires. Supermarket, trucks in fuel stations etc. This one was of an overturned petrol tanker. The poor villagers decided to get free petrol form the truck until one clever gent decided to take a puff to celebrate his luck.... PS: I'd give anything to get my hands on the turbaned guys tape, wouldn't you? |
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J pimp wrote:
Subject: golden shower
Here's some fireworks they were selling for new years . I wonder if R Kelly bought them LOL :) |
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Chris wrote:
Subject: Do you have a match?
My brother and his seperated-at-birth twin... |
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Dave wrote:
Subject: Never endin
Love your site... Followed it the last three years every week. I got up from the toilet this morning and found this neverending turd... Had to share it... Dave from texas...
Can safely say I have never done one like that. -Orsm
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Gary wrote:
Subject: Strange car!
Saw this car in Woodstock, Cape Town.It even had a rhino horn on the bonnet! |
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Neilski wrote:
Subject: Unfortunate Ad Timing
I was just checking the news, and happened to find this. Personally, I've never had a blue on Aussie day :) |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Mr. Orsm! Thought you might chuckle at the attached
Long time fan yada yada yada...finally something I can contribute yada yada yada...hide email yada yada yada |
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Kevin wrote:
Subject: Great Ingredients
New one for you Mr. ORSM. Chinese noodles are getting better, love the packaging company! More good stuff to come, great update this week by the way, amazed you didn't bitch about the heat, every other Aussie I know is! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: For Mr. Awesome - Insane Craigs List Post for Free Children
Greetings from the USA. I saw this in the free section of Craig's List last night. Now there are a ton of laws prohibiting the sale of children, but apparently, you can give them away free! Please keep my info private, but the pic is yours. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Now We Know
The Say a lot of things about your land here in Kenya. Now we know !!! This is where all confused fellows were shipped to! Hide my details. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Some shit for you
Long time reader first time submitter. This might be good for a quick laugh... and "intelligent" advertising is fucking ridiculous and its giving me the shits, all they do is suck in people who don't know anything about the internet and deep rape there computer with useless advertising...THAT IS NOT PORN RELATED!! the least you can do is have fun with it. cheers. don't stop with the good fight, u rock. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Beavers Holding Hands Video
Fab site dude!! Keep up the great work! Just watched the "Beavers holding hands" vid. For those who didn't know, they're sea otters not beavers. Just wanted to let you know. On another note. Saw this in a local paper, (Kelowna B.C. Canada). In these economic times I guess you gotta do what you can to make a living! Please withhold my details. Thanks. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Whats with the fuckin mask?
Dunno if shes trying to sleep or what but at least use a fucking blur or mosaic filter instead of that dumb ass mask. Withhold email please. Ta |
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Mr Duck wrote:
Subject: A story with a happy ending!
This nineteen-year-old ex-cheerleader (now an Air Force Security Forces Sniper) was watching a road that led to a NATO military base when she observed a man digging by the road. She engaged the target (i.e., she shot him). Turned out he was a bomb maker for the Taliban and he was burying an IED that was to be detonated when a US patrol walked by 30 minutes later. It would have certainly killed and wounded several soldiers. The interesting fact of this story is the shot was measured at 725 yards. She shot him as he was bent over burying the bomb. The shot went through his butt and into the bomb which detonated; he was blown to pieces. The Air Force made a motivational poster of her. And the last thing that came out of his mouth..was..his ass! Allahu Akbar! |
Cory wrote:
Subject: Car stereo
saw this when i got into my car the other day! i think is funnier then any getto rigged stereo ive seen before. thanks. hide info please. |
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Rich wrote:
Subject: Emailing
My Birds Tits |
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Eddie wrote:
Subject: vulgar vegies
This a real coconut on display at the San Francisco Conservatory of Flowers. The picture was taken in May of 2009. I am not ashamed of my interest in flora, go ahead and let my details be known. |
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Richmond Medic wrote:
Subject: road sign
Hey Orsm Dude! Checking your site since 99!.....saw this sign between Jamestown and
Williamsburg, Virginia. (Where the US started, for you yankees). Had to laugh. |
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Ed27th wrote:
Subject: Going to Six Flags....
Admission to Six Flags....... $65..00
Popcorn and a soda at the refreshment stand....... $9.00
Paint-on tattoo...... $7.00
A set of tits that can handle 5 Gs on a roller coaster and still look firm.
PRICELESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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Al wrote:
Subject: Hitler's Stealth
By World War II's final months, the Ho 2-29's designers had begun work on a larger version, the Horten 18. The 18 was meant to be an intercontinental bomber able to take the war to the U.S. mainland and even deliver an atomic bomb. But by early 1945, aviation historian George Cully said, "The Germans had run out of pilots, petroleum, and time." |
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cunnox wrote:
Subject: Illegal Immigrants
ATTENTION: ALL S.A. CUSTOMS OFFICIALS - Beit Bridge Border Post. Be on the lookout for a family of 23 Zimbabweans. They may try to cross the border illegally. Driving a '52 Chevy......Red with White top. |
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Dave wrote:
Subject: I did not even know it was for sale
I guess it's true you can get anything on E-Bay. |
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Bill wrote:
Subject: at least it was clean dirt.
I'm following this guy down the highway and as you can see on the front of my truck, I have been pelted with clean dirt blowing out of the back his truck. At least it was clean dirt and not dirty dirt. I'm sure the early pioneers of America swept the dirt floors of their log cabins to keep them clean, and you can be sure if the kids or the dog tracked in dirty dirt, there would be hell to pay. |
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ejh3 wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Don't have a clue to what this was about, but I thought it was an "interesting" photo... enjoy |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: roadkill
Hi MR ORSM, I went to our local shopping market to get some food for dinner, and i came across this stomach churning item...... cheers mate, hide email/details please. |
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Gordon wrote:
Subject: Hunting trip picture
We went hunting over the three day weekend and killed these two plus three smaller ones. I can't remember how many shots it took, but it was a lot. |
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Mark wrote:
Subject: RS
Took me a minute to figure this out :)
Assuming it's a bunghole with some sort of vaginal insertion happening I got it pretty quickly... -Orsm
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Terry wrote:
Subject: Railroad: Whitehorse, YT to Skagway, AK
The scenes are from Whitehorse , Yukon to Skagway , Alaska. Some wonderful photos of the train, from the train, and the surrounding rugged landscape. The accompanying music is by Patsy Cline. If you let the photos advance at their own pace you will time the music until the end. |
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Supaduck wrote:
Subject: Bambi karma
"Sighting" in your expensive new deer rifle ! 1. Shiny new, high-powered deer rifle..............$ 1,200.00. 2. Quality, high-powered scope........................$ 550.00. 3. Bore sighting device.....................................$ 140.00. 4. Hospital Visit...............................................$ 4,893.00. 5. Forgetting to remove the bore sighting device prior to actually shooting the damned thing? Priceless. Deer 1, Hunter 0.
GAME OVER "Life's tough......It's even tougher if you're stupid." |
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Me wrote:
Subject: The New Bendigo Marketplace Car Park Fuckup
Hey Mr. ORSM! I had heard rumours that the new Bendigo Marketplace car park had been constructed in a rush to be able to open before Christmas. Apparently the brand new concrete they poured has cracks all through it but I don't have any evidence. What I do have is a few photos taken with my mobile phone of the brand new concrete structure actually bowing under the weight. You can actually see that one section has dropped about 6-7cm and is presumably only being held up by the extra supports. I was told by someone who worked on the construction not to park above or below the new car park for fear it would fall and kill us. Now I see why. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: london pics
hey bro, great site ,read every week. ere are a couple of pics taken in London thought you could use them for random shit or reader mail. hide my details etc. |
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Terry wrote:
Subject: GUNBUS 410
The Gunbus 410 cubic inch V-Twin motorcycle is complete. The monster engine placed in a motorcycle frame of comparable size looked impossible and many who saw the photos were skeptical of the bike ever being finished, but I guess Clemens F. Leonhardt is one of those persistent guys who ignores the naysayers and
keeps at his work. The fuel-injected, 45 degree 6728 cc/410 cubic inch V-Twin runs through a 3 speed transmission with reverse and actually looks pretty good in its finished state. In fact, everything looks good! It puts out 523 foot pounds of torque. |
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psycheman wrote:
Subject: Something to ride in the SNOW
Mr. Orsm, This is what crazy folks do in the winter here in North America. Fair dinkum! Something to ride in the SNOW NOW THIS IS HOW TO TELL IF A MAN IS GOING THROUGH HIS SECOND CHILDHOOD. ?? |
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Steven wrote:
Subject: Security on computers
Maintain secrecy and privacy when using your computers... so ingenious. No one can see your passwords or whatever you're typing. No one can see whatever you ' re typing or which website you're surfing. |
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Jay wrote:
Subject: Snow
We could live in Saskatoon, Canada |
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Mr Duck wrote:
Subject: SE England
Today, in our armchair travels, we take you to SE England. Don't forget your toothbrush! |
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Doug wrote:
Subject: Thanks HEAPS!!
Here's a mix, she has awesome real tits!! Some are off my shitty phone cam, so they are a little 'grainy'.....interested if anyone else 'knows' her.... |
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Retard Loser wrote:
Subject: This is interesting shit
A perfect example of homo. Please do not show my email on your website. thank you. |
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Supaduck wrote:
Subject: In-flight refuel Over pressurization
AND OLD 707 WORTH, $25 MILLION DAMAGE BY A CONTRACTOR (PLUG LEFT IN FUELVENT SYSTEM) |
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MUMMY LUV wrote:
Subject: Torpedo Shot - I'll try again
Attached is a controlled Mk 48 torpedo weapon shooting at a stationary ex HMAS TORRENS. It was fired from a Collins class submarine. Some have seen this shot before, some haven't. The ships company if they were onboard the TORRENS would have no chance at all. TORRENS would have carried in excess of 220 personnel. |
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Gordon wrote:
Subject: GRAPHIC!! The losers in a Mexican druggie's shoot-out just across ...
Mexican coke dealers shootout aftermath in Matamoros Tamulipas across from Browmsville Texas last week. The University at UT Brownsville had to be closed temporarily due to the stray rounds coming over the river/border, hitting some campus buildings. |
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Stuart wrote:
Subject: American English...
American English. A recent rally in response to the news that immigra nts could be 'let off' the language tests to obtain residency/green cards in the US showed the
world how good the Americans are with the English language. |
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OneMan wrote:
Subject: Chopper accident
This is VERY graphic bud...
I get a headache just looking at it. Don't ever tell me I can't empathise with someone! -Orsm |
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| DARE DORM |
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ORSM
VIDEO
Jim was driving through the country when he saw a sign reading, "Apples $5 each." "That's a lot of money for one apple!" he thought, so he stopped to see what's up.
Jim asked the farmer, "Why are your apples so expensive?" The farmer replied, "Because they are special peanut butter and jelly apples. Here, try one." Jim took a bite and said, "Yep that tastes like peanut butter, all right. But I can't taste any jelly." The farmer said, "Turn it around!"
Jim did, gave it a chomp and, sure enough - jelly! "These are great; give me a dozen!" The farmer said, "If you like those, how about a ham and cheese apple? Here, try this," handing Jim an apple from behind the counter.
Jim bit into it, and said, "Son of a gun. Ham!" He turned it around and took another bite. "Yep. Cheese. You better give me a dozen of these, too." As the farmer gave him the bag of apples, he said, "You know, I've got some really special apples under the counter, but they're fifty bucks a piece."
"Fifty bucks?!" exclaimed Jim. "What are they?" "These are pussy apples," said the farmer. "Here. Try one." Jim took a bite and spat it out, saying, "Ugh! This apple tastes like shit!" The farmer said, "Turn it around!"
| MICAH MOORE |
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Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. When he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry'. 'Moishe Plotnik?' he wondered. 'How does that belong in Chinatown?'
He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking drycleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, t-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo 'Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry'.
The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase.
The tourist asked, "Can you explain how this place got a name like Moishe Plotnik's Laundry?" The old man answered, "Ah... evleebody ask me dat. It name of owner."
Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here now?" "It me, me him!" replied the old man. "Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a Jewish name like Moishe Plotnik?" "It simple" said the old man. "Many, many year ago I come to thes country. I standing in line at "Documentation Centre of Immiglation." Man in front of me was Jewish man from Poland." "Lady at counter look at him and say to him, '"What your name?' He say to her, 'Moishe Plotnik.' Then she look at me and say, 'What your name?' I say, 'Sam Ting.'
BEAUTIFUL TIBET |
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One day a little cat was walking through the park when he came across a pond. He peered into the pond and noticed that at the bottom of the pond there was a little cocktail sausage. The cat was feeling quite peckish so as the water wasn't that deep he reached in with his little paw and hooked the sausage out and ate it.
The next day the cat was walking through the park again and he peered into the pond again - there was another sausage but this time it was a normal sized one so the cat reached in but this time he had to put his whole arm into the pond. The cat hooked the sausage out and ate it.
The next day the cat looked into the pond and found an enormous Cumberland sausage at the bottom of the pond - it looked so delicious but it was so deep that he had to really stretch to get it, then SPLOSH - he fell in.
The moral of the story is: The bigger the sausage - the wetter the pussy.
ORSM
VIDEO
Time for me to blow this joint. Ciao for now.
- Check out the site archives.
- Next update will be next Thursday. W00t?
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise you're a cunt.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and be good... and stay off the chems... and be good. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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