Have to admit feeling a little anxious today as I prepared to introduce this newest creation to the world. It's been a very long work in progress and the result is, as I'm sure everyone will agree, overwhelmingly spectacular.
I'm pretty happy for this year to be ending. It's gone quite a lot shitter than I'd anticipated with more downs than ups. Jan. 2nd I ended up in bed for 5 days with some throat infection thing that was oh-so-much more. I couldn't see a GP to get treated until I got a COVID test which was a challenge given how sick I was + the rules back then were different; you needed a referral to get tested and I as mentioned, that was a problem. About 3 weeks after that, finally back to full health, I had a cycling accident. Spent the day in hospital and a month hobbling around trying not to split my stitches open. I approached the bike manufacturer to cover it under warranty which they denied. I wrote to them explaining in detail why it was on them and never heard back so paid to get the bike repaired and eventually sold it. Literally the next day they called to say they'd reviewed my letter and agreed it was on them and were giving me a brand-new upgraded bike... all I had to do was give my old bike to them. Never laughed so hard in my life. Next up was some pinched nerve thing in my arm which made moving a mouse and typing hurt like a mofo. Month or two later was the ill-fated server move (which still gives me nightmares). Apols again for that one. To kick winter off I managed to fry the electrics on our car through accidental stupidity. Mostly from then on, the downs were less extreme... that is if you call a month without a coffee machine due to, again, accidental stupidity, less extreme. Hopefully 2022 unfolds slightly better although with the state borders finally reopening in Feb. and COVID definitely heading our way, I'm prepped to chuck that out the window.
I feel compelled to share what was the best shit on TV all year (according to me). Everyone should immediately drop what they're doing and go watch Vigil, Mr Inbetween and (honourable mention so the Yanks don't feel left out) Tacoma FD. What you should not waste your time with is the abomination that was the Soprano's movie; The Many Saints of Newark. Probably the most disappointed I've been since The Sopranos ended.
Alright dudes I reckon its time to do Orsm in review. Let's start with the TOP 5 MOST VIEWED PORN CLIPS. If these are the most watched then there's obviously a very good reason for that so get busy rewatching or enjoying what you may have missed...
Next up is the TOP 5 MOST VIEWED SEXY/NSFW VIDS. These clips are such a mixed bag and generally involve nudity in some way but not sex. It's a small distinction but worthy of its own category.
The TOP 5 MOST VIEWED GENERAL [NON-PORN] VIDEOS are always a surprise. Absolutely impossible to know what'll tickle you guys on any given day which in some ways makes the winners even more interesting.
Moving to the bottom of the list, the TOP 5 LEAST VIEWED VIDEOS and I realise I could say the exact same words I used for the TOP 5 MOST VIEWED GENERAL [NON-PORN] VIDEOS. I actually think some of these clips are pretty great which is why they were posted in the first place. Ironically, reposting them now will make their views go up soooo...
The TOP 5 DON'T WATCH THIS VIDEOS needs no introduction. You are either man or woman enough to handle them, or you are not. If nothing else we should be grateful that there are some fucking weirdo fuckers out there and we're nothing like them.
Taking a squiz at the TOP 5 IMAGE GALLERIES its easy to see why these were popular.
Random Shite is the heart and soul of Orsm and just about guaranteed to be the most popular thing in any update so without any further words here are the TOP 5 RANDOM SHITES...
**UPDATES WILL RECOMMENCE MID-JANUARY 2022**
Alright, well, this seems like the right moment to get busy with the final update of the year and in true Christmassy fashion, here goes...
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the place was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was. In a calm voice, the husband said "Honey, you remember the jewellery store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?" The wife choked up and started to cry and said "Yes, I remember that jewellery store". He said "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it".
-- Hoping to get a 4k tv after Christmas. Making my New Year's resolution 3840 x 2160.
--
A man goes to see his boss. "Boss" he says "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning tomorrow before my mother-in-law arrives for Christmas. My wife needs me to help with cleaning, moving and hauling stuff". "COVID has us short-handed" the boss replies. "I can't afford to give anyone a day off". The man says "Thanks boss, I knew I could count on you!"
-- For Christmas, I gave my wife an alarm clock that swears instead of beeping. She's in for a rude awakening.
--
What's worse than sitting on Santa's lap and he gets a woody? When he stands up and you don't slide off.
-- A couple went Christmas shopping with their three young children in tow. After hours of traipsing around toyshops and hearing their kids ask for every item on the shelves, they were totally fed-up. Weighed down with the bags, they squeezed into the crowded lift to take them up to the car park. The husband sighed aloud to nobody in particular "Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be arrested and strung up!" A voice from the back of the lift replied quietly "Don't worry sir, I believe they crucified him".
--
Young Timmy rushed out on Christmas morning, anticipating that he'd be getting a new Nintendo Console this year. "Surprise!" shouted his parents. "We know you wanted video games, but we think you need to get outdoors more. We got you this set of fishing gear! Unfortunately, it was rather expensive, so we could only get you the lures and bait. We'll get you the poles for your birthday". Poor little Timmy was devastated, as he'd never even fished before in his life. He sadly opened the tackle box, but to his surprise, there was a Nintendo Switch inside! He had been completely fooled! Both Timmy and his parents laughed. They had gotten him with the old "Bait and Switch" tactic.
-- A father and his son go out to fell a tree for Christmas. When the tree is felled and being brought back, the son asks "Dad are you going to put the tree up yourself?" "No, son, I'm going to put it up in our living room".
--
I was in the pub on New Year's Eve, A woman stood up and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. As the clock struck midnight, the barman was almost crushed to death.
-- A lad went looking for a job on a turkey farm coming up to Christmas. The boss said "All I have is a job wanking turkeys. It helps keeping them relaxed and they put on weight". So the lad took the job. After the first day he was nearly worn out coming to finishing time. He saw a massive turkey waddling across the yard going "Gobble gobble gobble". "Well" says the man "you can fuck right off! You'll get a wank like the rest of them!"
--
The community theatre recently posted auditions for Aladdin and a Christmas play. On audition day, local news reporter Thi Xix Hao spotted someone crying outside the audition room. "What's wrong?" he asked. The dejected man looked up. "You look familiar" he said. "I am local news reporter, Thi Xix Hao. You also look familiar to me". "I am Chad Kroeger, lead singer of Nickelback" the man said in between sobs. "Ah" said Thi Xix Hao. "So what troubles you?" "Never made it as a wiseman. Couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing. And, Thi Xix Hao, you remind me..."
-- I was browsing in a department store, looking for Christmas gifts. A salesman soon spotted me and came to my assistance. "Can I help you, sir"? he asked. "Yes, I'd like to see what wristwatches you have for sale" I replied. "Analogue?" he asked. Me: "No, just the watch please".
--
Yesterday I was telling my students how hard it was growing up poor. I told them that around Christmas we always started to be really naughty so that Santa would leave a lump of coal in our stocking. That way we could be warm on Christmas Day. One little wise-arse in the back row asked why we didn't just ask for a heater. I gave him a nasty look and said "We didn't have any outlets in our dumpster".
-- The Three Wise Men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed. Joseph said "Write that down, Mary, it's way better than Fred!"
--
A young teacher explains to her class of third graders that she is a born-again Christian. She asks the class if any of them are born-again Christians too. Not really knowing what it means to be born-again, but wanting to please and impress their teacher, many little hands suddenly shot up into the air. There's just one girl who doesn't raise her hand. So the teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. The girl says "Because I'm not a Christian". The teacher asks "So what are you then? " The girl replies "I'm an atheist". The teacher's a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks the girl why she's an atheist. The girl says "It's just that my family isn't religious. My mum's atheist, and my dad's atheist, so I'm atheist". The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason!" she says loudly. "What if your mum was a moron? And your dad was a moron? What would you be then?" "Then," says the girl "I'd be a born-again Christian!"
-- I remember last year listening to two blondes on the train. First blonde: "I see Christmas day is on a Friday this year". Second blonde: "Bloody hell, I hope it's not on the thirteenth then".
--
My wife was so upset when I brought a basket full of cadaver feet home from the morgue the week before Christmas. I thought they'd make great stocking stuffers. Women. I just can't read 'em.
Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last-minute shopping done.
I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.
As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12-years-old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred-dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong.
He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and two sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to save two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home.
He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred-dollar bills and disappeared into the night.
"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said "I did". "And nobody came to help you?" I wondered. The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. "How loud did you scream?" I inquired. The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered "Help me!"
I realised that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help. So, I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.
Christmas was coming and Little Johnny's mum and dad took him to the mall to see Santa Claus.
Johnny walked up and sat on Santa's lap and said "Santa, for Christmas I want a GOD DAMN new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my GOD DAMN bed. I want a GOD DAMN new baseball glove, and I want it put under the GOD DAMN Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a GOD DAMN new bike and I want it put under a GOD DAMN tarp in the GOD DAMN shed!"
Santa, in complete shock, pulled Little Johnny's parents aside and said "In all my years, I have never seen a little boy with such a foul mouth". His parents replied "We know, but we have no idea what to do about his behaviour. We've tried everything".
Santa thought about it and said "Here's what we'll do to teach him a lesson; every place that Johnny asked for a present, we'll put a pile of dog crap".
The parents agreed to try Santa's plan.
On Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and immediately looked under his bed. Seeing the pile of crap, he ran downstairs to the Christmas tree and checked underneath.
Finding another pile of crap under the tree, he ran out the door and threw open the shed door. Finding a tarp in the shed, he quickly pulled back the tarp and found yet another pile of crap.
Johnny walked out of the shed and started looking all around the yard. After a while, his parents asked him sarcastically "So Little Johnny, what did you get for Christmas?"
Without missing a beat, Johnny looked at his parents and said "I think I got a god damned dog, but I can't find the motherfucker!"
This year in Heaven the Christmas celebration was also a costume party. Everyone dressed up.
Many people came as movie characters, from Gandalf the Grey (and White) to Jason Bourne to Black Widow to Harry Potter.
Alan Rickman went as Hans Gruber, which made St. Peter exclaim "See, Die Hard IS a Christmas movie!"
St. Peter was dressed as the "Fragile" lamp from A Christmas Story.
Moses showed up as Charlton Heston's version of himself, while Charlton Heston dressed up as an ape.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg came as Hermione Granger. Although she insisted that she was dressed as the book character, not the movie character, which explained the teeth.
There were also some great couple's costumes.
Alex Trebek and Sean Connery dressed up as each other and re-enacted bits from the Celebrity Jeopardy sketches.
The Wright brothers dressed up as the Super Mario Brothers.
Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds came as Captain Kirk and Mister Spock.
Prince dressed up as Dave Chappelle's version of Rick James and David Bowie came as "Super Freakonomics".
Naturally, everyone was looking for the guest of honour. If anyone would have a fantastic costume, it would be Jesus. However, try as they might, no one could figure out Jesus' costume among the multitudes of party guests. There were, of course, plenty of people who dressed as Jesus, and some wondered if Jesus had gone full meta. He didn't, but as it turned out Charlie Chaplin did dress up as Jesus and placed third in the Jesus look-a-like contest.
Finally, as the party was drawing to a close, it was time for everyone to unmask.
Joan of Arc was the one dressed as Bigfoot. Alan Turing was Predator. Richard Pryor was the Burning Bush. Thomas Jefferson and John Adams, who had long since made up and become the best of friends, were the unicorn.
Eventually there was only one costume left.
As Jesus pulled off the Matt Damon mask, everyone realised that Christ was Bourne on Christmas Day.
With Christmas upon us I would like to share a personal experience with you about drinking and driving.
As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a 'social session' out with friends.
Well, three days ago I was out for an evening with friends, and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine.
Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.
Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.
ORSM VIDEO [101 OUTSTANDING TITTY DROPS EDITION]
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It was December, and a posh hotel was hosting a chess convention.
The convention had rented out the hotel's entire separable ballroom, and the first day had, thus far, gone smoothly, with all but the quater, semi, and ultimate final rounds decided in the tournament.
The time came for a break, and the entire convention shuffled out of the ballroom into the foyer so employees could convert the chess tables to banquet tables for the evening's dinner, and otherwise clean up.
Several of the games in the round of sixteen had been close, featuring especially dramatic end games, and everyone was excited about the prospects for the final rounds. The 8 quarter finalists boasted about their victories that day and previously, and slowly the normally quiet convention's volume grew to a dull roar, disturbing the other hotel guests. Guest after guest complained to the hotel staff, until finally the hotel manager came out and asked to speak to the president of the chess convention.
"Oh, hello, what seems to be the matter?" "I'm sorry but you and your attendees need to quiet down or leave until the banquet is finished being arranged".
"What? Why?" "You're all causing quite a ruckus, and I'm afraid my other guests can't abide chess nuts boasting in an open foyer".
There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.
Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.
Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.
Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf's exile, the chief gave him an ultimatum, to learn civility, or banishment.
Sulkily, Rude Ulf approached Old Sven the Wise, who was a most civil and scholarly gentleman for guidance.
None were more surprised than Rude Ulf when he discovered his voracious hunger for knowledge, and Old Sven happily obliged.
Rude Ulf was taught to read and write, of the ways of the land, of nature, and of tactics of war from the tomes of faraway libraries.
However, Old Sven was old, and barely 30 moons later, he lay on the cusp of death. With his dying breath Old Sven forced a promise from his student to bear the torch of progress and knowledge, for their ways could not last.
A great change came over Rude Ulf, which was sorely welcome, and the village came to accept that the Rude Ulf of yore was no longer, and welcomed him once more.
The name of Ulf came to be feared across the kingdoms as a peerless tactical warrior, with sharp axe and an even sharper tongue, and thus the legend of Ulf the Red that bathed in the blood of enemies was known far and wide, though some of his closest would still refer to him as Rude Ulf in jest.
The impressed chief shunned all suitors, and set his sights on giving his daughter's hand in marriage to Ulf the Red, and they were happily married barely a moon later.
Amidst the festivities, no one noticed the forlorn figure slinking away from the merriment.
With time, the chief passed, and the reign of Ulf the Red began in earnest.
He neither sought pillage nor plunder, and sought to change the old ways. Instead of making enemies of the realm, they would turn swords to plowshares, and pillage to tillage.
So it came to be, that the era of blood and steel must be put behind them by edict of Ulf the Red.
This caused a certain unrest amongst stubborn purists, and they stoked the embers of civil war. However, the rebellion was quelled swiftly and decisively.
Despite the result, there were those that whispered amongst themselves, that Ulf the Red was sent by the trickster god to shut Valhalla's banquet doors and doom the village.
Thus, a plot was hatched, and it became the duty of the forlorn man to infiltrate the current chief's castle and remove their barrier to transcendence.
On the night of the plot, Ulf the Red welcomed the infiltrator with open arms and invited him to stay the night, for the would-be assassin was none other than Erik the Strong that had known his queen since childhood, and had fought beside him in many battles.
When the clouds hid the moon, in tiptoed Erik, with axe in hand, but the shifting clouds allowed moonlight Erik to bear witness to irrefutable progress.
Sprawling maps with markers littered the table, with all manner of strange contraptions and tiny scale models of wood placed across them. Spiderwebs of waterways and roads connected tiny villages, plans and diagrams filled with detailed drawings and arcane script promised foresight. Bags of seeds, drawings of animals, plans for irrigation and domestication were all meticulously laid out.
This was not the chambers of an emissary of the trickster god, but that of someone ensuring that they need not fear winter ever again without lifting a single blade.
Overcome with awe, Erik fell to his knees, weapon falling with an echoing clang on the stone floor, rousing the queen from slumber.
Wherefore art the chief, enquired Erik.
The chief has visited the village by the creek, to negotiate our future, replies the queen without a hint of fear, for she had known Erik ever since they were children when they promised to marry.
Erik was a proud warrior, but he broke down and confessed, knowing full well the punishment of death, that he had misunderstood Ulf's intentions, and truly, Rude Ulf... no Ulf the Red had the best interests of men at heart.
Guards flood the chamber bearing torches to escort Erik to the dungeons, and the queen tearfully cries out, why, why did Erik confess under pain of death?
Looking back at his past beloved, with a tear in his eye, Erik revealed: "Rude Ulf the Red knows reign, dear".
A father took his son Billy to the mall to see Santa.
They stood in line a while, and finally the boy was able to meet Santa and sit on his lap.
"What would you like for Christmas, Billy?" asked Santa. "An X-Box and a Hobbit game," Billy said. "Okay, we'll see what we can do about that," said Santa with a big smile.
Later on that day they also went to see Santa at the Sears mall.
When Santa asked Billy what he wanted for Christmas, Billy said "An X-Box and a Hobbit game". "Will you be a good boy and do what your daddy tells you?" Santa asked.
Billy turned to his dad and said "Let's go back to the other Santa, Dad". "Why, Billy?" asked his father. "Because I didn't have to make any deals with that one".
A multinational company held a reception to celebrate Christmas.
The waiter gave each guest a glass of champagne, but on inspection each guest noticed that their glass contained a fly.
The Swede asked for new champagne in the same glass. The Englishman demanded to have new champagne in a new glass.
The Finn picked out the fly out and drank the champagne. The Russian drank the champagne, fly and all.
The Chinese ate the fly but left the champagne. The Israeli caught the fly and sold it to the Chinese.
The Italian drank two thirds of the champagne and then demanded to have a new glass. The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish.
The Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in the champagne, which he then donated to the Englishman. The American sued the restaurant and claimed $50 million in compensation.
The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the throat and shouted "Now spit out all that you swallowed!"
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"
The father, surprised, answers "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20's, a woman's boobs are like melons - round and firm. In her 30's and 40's, they are like pears - still nice but hanging a bit. After 50 - they are like onions".
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry".
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers "Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree - mighty and hard! In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch - flexible but reliable. After his 50's - it is like a Christmas tree".
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes - dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration".
I walked into the store the other day, and immediately noticed the girl working there.
She was conventionally attractive and had really big breasts. I mean, really big.
I was just there to browse around, but I couldn't help myself. Something made me go over to this girl, and I nervously asked "Excuse me, sorry if I'm being rude, but... are those real or fake?"
Strangely, she didn't seem surprised at all, she just smiled and said "You know, I get asked that a lot. You're probably the fifth today". "Really? Well, that's a relief. I thought it might have a strange question. It's just... I know they're probably fake, they just look so real!"
"They do, don't they?"
"And so big!"
"Well, you can get them in all sizes. But I like a bit of fullness". "I agree. If you're already doing it, may as well go all the way!"
"That's right! They're not cheap, and you'll only do it once in your life anyway". "Yes! But really, even standing this close I can't tell they're not real. This is amazing!"
"Well, I see them every day, but even I am fascinated sometimes!"
"Good to hear, because I always thought it was kind of cheap". "Cheap?"
"I mean, normally you can tell it's plastic from a mile away, but this time I had to get really close before I could tell". "Like I said, you're not the first. I've had lots of guys here today who just stand there and stare. But I know what they're thinking".
"Okay, well... do you think I could... this may sound weird, but can I touch them? Just to check how they feel?" "Sure, go ahead, touch all you want!"
I gently stroked my hand over them, squeezed a little, and closed my eyes to imagine the real thing. I couldn't tell the difference.
"Wow, they even feel real!" "Yes!"
"I've always been opposed, thinking it was just crap". "Well, they've come a long way. But you get what you pay for".
"Still though, I'm not 100% convinced..."
"I used to think the same, but since I made the investment last year I haven't regretted once".
"But what about the smell?" "Of course, you don't get the same smell, but on the other hand they're more allergy friendly. Plus, you don't have to deal with creepy crawlers".
"Oh, I didn't think of that. Well, you got me. I'm going for fake!"
And that's how I bought my first plastic Christmas tree...
Two brothers went to their grandmas for Christmas.
The younger opened up his gift and was delighted to find a nice scarf his grandma had knitted for him.
The older found a card with his name on it. Inside it read "Merry Christmas, Love Grandma".
Later that night the older brother complained to his brother "Why does grandma love you so much more than me?" "She does not! Why would you say that?" responded the younger. "Because every year you get a gift and all I ever get is a card". "That's not true, I've seen you get gifts!" scolded the younger.
Rolling his eyes, the older demanded "When I was little, but it's been years. All I get is cards. In fact, I will bet you next year I get a card again". "It's a bet then, let's make it $100" smiled the brother. "$100 I get a card again next year. Deal!" the older glared back.
The next year came around and they both rushed to the tree.
To the younger's delight, below the tree was a package with his older brother's name.
He chuckled "Hope you brought my money big, bro".
After dinner the older brother retrieved his gift. As he opened it a smile came across his face.
The younger brother nudged closer and peeked inside. He too smiled "Hah! That'll be $100, you got a sweater! Told you!"
Smugly the older pulled the present out and with a grin he said "No I don't. This isn't a sweater, I got a cardigan".
Norma and Sonia were talking about their grandchildren after the holidays.
Norma said "My daughter-in-law stopped making my grandchildren send their 'thank you' notes. Each year I sent the grandchildren a card with a generous cheque inside. I always received a lovely `thank you' note. However, since my daughter-in-law stopped making the grandkids send thank you notes, I never hear from them".
Sonia said "My daughter-in-law never made the grandchildren send `thank you' notes. I too send them a very generous cheque. However, for the past several years, I hear from them within a week after they receive it. In fact, they each pay me a personal visit".
"Wow" remarked Norma. "I wish mine would do that". "You can, Norma, you can".
"How?" Norma asked. "Simple. Do what I do. Don't sign the cheque".
After 2 years of selfless service, a man was despondent that he has not been promoted, transferred, had a salary increase, any sort of commendation and that the Company is not doing anything about it.
So he decided to walk confront the HR manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told him of his concerns. The manager looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying;
Manager: "My friend, you have not worked here for even one day".
The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.
Manager: "How many days are there in a year? Man: "365 days, and sometimes, 366".
Manager: "How many hours make up a day?" Man: "24 hours".
Manager: "How long do you work in a day?" Man: "8am to 4pm. 8 hours a day".
Manager: "So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?" Man: "8 of 24 hours... so one third".
Manager: "That is nice of you! What is one third of 366 days?" Man: "122" (1/3 x 366 = 122 in days)
Manager: "Do you come to work on weekends?" Man: "No, sir!"
Manager: "How many days are there in a year that are weekends?" Man: "52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days".
Manager: "Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?" Man: "18 days".
Manager: "Okay! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove those 14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?". Man: "4 days".
Manager: "Do you work on New Year's day?" Man: "No, sir!"
Manager: "Do you come to work on the Queens Birthday holiday?" Man: "No, sir!"
Manager: "So how many days are left?" Man: "2 days, sir!"
Manager: "Do you come to work on Australia Day?" Man: "No, sir!"
Manager: "So how many days are left?" Man: "1 day, sir!"
Manager: "Do you work on Christmas Day?" Man: "No, sir!"
Manager: "So how many days are left?" Man: "None, sir!"
Manager: "So, what are you claiming exactly?" Man: "I have understood, sir. I did not realise that I was stealing Company money all these days".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside.
There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading "Over 35" and "Under 35".
He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said "Over 35".
He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches".
Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night".
Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street.
The moral of this story is "Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed".
Well THAT is fucking THAT. Not only for the update and this week but also for the year.
**UPDATES WILL RECOMMENCE MID-JANUARY 2022**
Big, huge, massive THANKS to each and every single one of you who surfed by or contributed or bad mouthed or whatever this year. Its all appreciated in the maximum way possible I swear.
-Follow me on Facebook. Umm... yeah... yep... yeah.
-Check out the archives. Do you realise what you're missing out on?????
-Next update will be next Thursday. Just kidding - see you guys in a couple of weeks.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET or you and I are gonna have words.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and Merry Fucking Christmas. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2021.12.16-20.34
Welcome to well fuck...
I'm torn between loving and hating this time of year right now. It really should be all festive and shit but life is just out of control. There's an ever-increasing list of hurdles to overcome between now and Christmas; most of important of which, and of course, is the Orsm Christmas update. I was tempted to pull some all-nighters and smash it out today thereby giving me next week off but all the other mission and socially critical stuff would have fallen by the wayside. The ironic part is I think my time management skills are actually not too bad. Long story short - next Thursday is the last update of the year. It's going to be big, amazing and should under no circumstances be missed. As for today's update... well its no slouch either. This may be the most videos ever squeezed into an update ever. Let's see how the server enjoys it shall we? Anyway, lets do this. Check it...
A man and his wife were getting dressed for a big event. After putting on her dress, she asked her husband "Does this dress make my ass look fat?" The husband sighed, and asked his wife "Honey, do you promise me you won't get mad, no matter how I answer?" His wife said "I promise, I'll never bring it up again". The husband looked her over and said "I fucked your sister".
--
A dog walked into a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof". The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price". "But" the dog replied "That would make no sense at all".
--
I watch zombie movies to prepare for weird events, however unlikely it may be. The same is true for porn.
--
A concert promoter walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Now that they are easing the COVID restrictions have you been able to plan any big events?" the bartender asks. "Well, we're planning a Foreigner reunion concert for later this summer. But we're still going to require mandatory temperature checks for everyone that enters the venue" the promoter says. "If you're hot-blooded, they'll check it and see".
--
A man realised he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman. "Anything from $2 to $2,000".
"Can I see the $2 model?" said the customer. The salesman put the device around the man's neck, and said "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down into your pocket". "How does it work?" asked the customer. "For $2, it doesn't work" said the salesman. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder".
--
A gorilla walks into a bar and says "A scotch on the rocks, please". The gorilla hands the bartender a $20 note. The bartender thinks to himself 'this gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks' and gives him $2 change. The bartender says "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here". The gorilla replies "Well, at $18 a drink, I ain't coming back, either".
--
A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down because he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh, I really don't care or mind" said the waiter with a smile. "We don't have an air conditioner".
--
After picking up food for his daughter's cat, George spied a new bowl for the pet and grabbed it too. "Shall I have the cat's name written on the side of the bowl?" offered the pet shop store owner. "No, don't bother" replied George. "He can't read anyway".
--
My son has been eating electrical cords. My partner said, we need to ground him until he conducts himself better.
--
So David is finally engaged, and is excited to show off his new bride. "Ma" he said to his Mother "I'm going to bring home three girls and I want you to guess which one is my fiancé". Sure enough twenty minutes later, David walks in the door with three girls following behind him. "It's that one" said his mother, without blinking an eye. "Holy cow" exclaimed David "how in the world did you know it was her?" "I just don't like her" she replied.
--
A young lady and her new boyfriend were in a club having fun. She didn't know her ex-boyfriend was in the same club watching them. After few minutes, she stood up and told her guy she needed to use the toilet. When the ex saw her walking to the toilet, he hurriedly walked to his ex-girl's boyfriend and he asked him "How do you feel enjoying a second-hand material?" The new boyfriend smiled and said "I don't feel anything because when you just pass the first 3 inches, the rest is still new".
I was driving down the road the other day when a huge crow slammed into my windshield and broke its neck. It was stuck there on the windshield blocking my view. There was a cop behind me and I felt a little nervous with a dead crow blocking my view, so I turned on the windshield wipers. The dead bird flew straight up and over my car and landed on the cops windshield. His lights suddenly came on. I pulled over and the cop starts to write me a ticket. When I asked him what the ticket was for, he said "Flippin' me the bird".
--
I was sat at the bar waiting to meet a bird that I'd been chatting to over the Internet earlier, when I got a tap on the shoulder. "Are you Steve?" the woman asked with a smile. "You're fucking gorgeous!" I burst out in delight. "Yes, I am Steve". "That's brilliant" she replied. "There's some fat bitch over there looking for you!"
--
So, I'm standing next to this woman on the elevator. I asked her "Can I smell your pussy?" She replies "NO!" I say "Must be your feet"...
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench.
He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.
So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says "Sorry to
bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time". Flattered, the man responds "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
"Well" the woman says "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favourite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999 my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12-years-old, it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden".
The man can't believe it. "I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each other's' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavilion!"
Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough" says the woman "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain, how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favourite author".
Now the man is really taken aback "Get out of here. I was an English major in university! I specialised in 19th century American literature, this is like my fourth- or fifth-time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain".
They both can't believe it; this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Okay" the woman says "well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favourite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favourite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"
The man puts down his fruit and responds "It's a date".
In the town square, he sees a crowd where a man has set up a booth with an old flea-bitten donkey standing next to it along with a sign saying: Make The Donkey LAUGH And Win $50! Only 10 Cents A Turn!
The hobo watches several people try making him laugh, mostly by jumping up and making faces but the donkey doesn't so much as twitch.
The hobo walks up to the man, holds out a 10-cent coin and says "Do ya mind if I have a go?"
With so many people having failed the man is happy to pocket the hobo's money and says "No one has managed to make the donkey laugh in over ten years, so you're welcome to try".
The hobo walks over to the donkey, who is disinterestedly munching on some hay, he takes hold of his ear and whispers something into it. Suddenly the donkey's eyes light up and he begins to bray with laughter, he falls to his knees then rolls over onto his back kicking his hooves in the air.
He laughs and laughs so much the crowd joins in.
The man is amazed and hands the hobo his winnings but before he can ask him how he did it the hobo has disappeared.
The following market day the man is back but with a new sign: Make The Donkey CRY And Win $50. Only 10 Cents A Try".
All day people come forward and part with their dimes and try all sorts of tricks to make the donkey cry but no one comes even close.
Then the hobo arrives.
"Do ya mind if I have a go?" he asks.
The man has had a good day with so many people trying that he forgets that it was the hobo who won the $50 last time and agrees to let him try.
The hobo walks over to the donkey and once again he whispers something into his ear but this time, he opens his coat and points. Suddenly the donkey's face clouds over, he begins to sob uncontrollably, he falls to his knees in an agony of despair and looks fit to die of grief.
The man is dumbfounded. He rushes to the donkey in an attempt to comfort him. He reaches into his pocket for the $50 and says to the hobo "What did you do to him? I have to know! How did you beat me twice?" "Well" says the hobo "I won the first $50 by telling him my dick was longer and thicker than his. The second I won by showing him".
A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane.
They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak.
He is just about to get frisky when she says "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee". Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, pointing he replies "Okay. Why don't you go behind that hedge".
She nods in agreement and disappears behind the hedge.
As he waits, he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror "My God Mary... have you changed your sex?" "No" she replies. "I've changed my mind... I'm having a shit instead".
Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.
One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "Teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what colour your knickers are". She replies "Okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it".
But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.
After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue".
"Nope. You got it wrong" she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear.
"Well come with me out to my dad's car. He's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money".
She follows him out. When they get to the car, she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear.
His dad exclaims "That little fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"
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He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please".
The barman took his order and the panda went to sit down.
Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.
All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and *BANG!* shot the waiter.
The barman came over and said "Wha... wh... you just shot my friend!!"
The panda calmly replied "Do you know what I am?" "Why yes" the barman answered. "You're a panda". "Good" the panda nodded "Now go home and look up 'panda' in the dictionary".
And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.
The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlightened on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.
After a while, he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition: PANDA | /ˈpandə/ noun: A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.
A group of Irish friends arrive on vacation in the Caribbean.
Being typical Irish, the first thing they do after checking in and dropping off their luggage is to find a bar and get a drink. In the bar, they meet a group of attractive Nordic ladies, proceed to join tables and get to doing some serious drinking together.
A few rounds in, things are not going very well. The ladies seem to be slamming drinks one after the other without showing signs of slowing, while the gents' legs are starting to buckle. Now, the boys were very tired, and hungry after the flight, nobody can really blame them for a sub-par performance, but it's in front of ladies - it's damn shameful!
Eventually, they overdo it trying to compensate.
Come morning, they all start waking up sprawled out on the floor and across the furniture, all in the room of one of them - the one who dragged the rest of his buddy's home to the hotel after the bar.
They start rubbing their bloodshot eyes, and one by one begin recalling the embarrassment of the previous night, and feeling really sorry for themselves. Then the host of the room exits the bathroom. Looking a little worse for wear, but overall, still there.
He goes "Not to worry, gents, I've made sure the good name of Ireland remains untarnished after the events of last night!" His friend says "What? You out-drank them? That's great news!" He replies "No, that I could not do. But I told them we were all Scotts!"
I am a reporter for a major monthly publication. Generally, I write human interest articles. Last year I was given the privilege and granted an interview with the Pope.
Upon entering the Pope's office, I was greeted warmly with a handshake and a hug. The Pope and I had an amazing conversation that lasted approximately 30 minutes.
During the entire time I was interviewing the Pope, my eyes kept glancing at a phone set into a nook on the wall. The phone appeared to be made of solid gold. The phone seems so out of place in that office that I continue to stare at it, wondering what that phone was, and where the other end went to.
At the end of the interview I asked the Pope "Your Holiness, I couldn't help but look at that phone on the wall, and wondering, where does it go?"
In response the Pope raised his eyes and pointed skyward.
"Excuse me your holiness, are you saying that that phone goes straight up to God?" "Yes, my son that's exactly right" the Pope replied.
"Well, your Holiness this may sound rash but do you think there's any possibility that I might speak to him?" "Why yes my son, you may. I will leave you alone for 10 or so minutes so that you may speak with him" the Pope replied.
After leaving the room I picked up the phone, and had the most amazing conversation of my life with you know who.
After leaving the office I found the Pope was in the outer office waiting for me to finish.
"Your Holiness, that was a most amazing and life-changing event for me. Is there anything I could do to repay this kindness and privilege that you have granted me?" "Well, my son, you could leave a donation, maybe $5,000 would be enough" the Pope replied.
Pulling out my cheque book I eagerly signed the check for a $5,000 donation to the church.
Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago. This time I was sent to Israel to do an interview with the chief Rabbi of Jerusalem. The interview went very much like the interview with the Pope I had the year earlier. However, once again when I went into his office, I saw an identical phone in a niche on the wall behind the Rabbi.
Once again at the end of the interview I asked the Rabbi "Rabbi excuse me but I have to ask you this question, last year I was in Rome and had an opportunity to interview the Pope. He had a similar phone on the wall and granted me the incredible privilege to speak to God on his phone. Do you think it might be possible that I may use your phone to once again speak to him...?" "Yes my son, you may use my phone and speak to him if you wish" the Rabbi responded.
Once again I was left alone for approximately 20 minutes to speak with God.
At the end of the conversation, I left the Rabbi's office and entered his secretary's office, where the Rabbi was waiting for me to finish.
Speaking to the Rabbi before I left I said to him "Rabbi, last year when I was with the Pope he requested that I make a donation to the church for the privilege of using his phone. I would be more than willing to make a donation to you for the same privilege. How much should I write the check for?" I asked. "Well my son, $5 would be enough to cover the cost" the Rabbi responded. "$5...? Last year when I interviewed the Pope, he asked for a donation of $5,000. Why are you only asking for $5?" I inquired. "Well you see my son, from here it's a local call".
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A couple had been married for 50 years.
The man had a large cardboard box under the bed. His wife had noticed this box but never thought much of it.
One day, however, curiosity got the better of her, and she opened it. She found 2 empty beer cans and a bag with some dollar bills and coins.
That night, she asked her husband what this was about.
"Well" he replied. "If you want to know the truth, each time I was unfaithful to you during our marriage, I put an empty beer can in the box".
She was shocked but decided to control her anger and look at the bright side. "I guess two times in 50 years is not terrible, it could have been a lot worse".
He agreed.
Then she asked "But what about the coins and dollar bills?" "Each time the box got full of cans, I would recycle them and put the money there".
A policeman sends his wife and kid to a resort for a holiday.
After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room, he wanted to make love to his wife and gave her 'the look'. Whispering under her breath, the wife says "No darling, we can't do it here, our kid is watching!" Husband replies "You're right, let's go to the beach".
After a while they make their way to the beach, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman walks up to them.
"Put your clothes on immediately, shame on you, you can't do that in public!" Embarrassed, the husband admits "You are right, but I had a moment of weakness. We hadn't seen each other for an entire week. Now, I'm a policeman too, and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me".
The cop thought for a second and said "Don't worry... you are a colleague and it's your first time. But this is the third time I caught this woman making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay".
Paddy and Murphy have been away camping for a week and it's their last night before they return home, so they spend the evening in this country pub which was a couple of minutes' walk from the campsite.
Shortly after arriving in the pub a freak storm of torrential rain and high winds occurs. Paddy and Murphy aren't bothered as they are having a great time downing pint after pint and joking with the locals.
At closing time, the storm has subsided somewhat and they both make their way back to the campsite but to their dismay, their tent has blown away. Even though they've had a few drinks Paddy suggests taking the car and finding a hotel. They jump in and head off down the road.
All of a sudden an old man's face appeared on the passenger side and taps lightly on the window. Murphy screams out "Eeeeekkk! Look at my window!! There's an old guys face there! I think it's a ghost, Paddy!"
The old man kept knocking, so Paddy says "Well open the window a little and ask him what he wants!"
So Murphy rolls his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said "What do you want???" The old man softly replied "You got a cigarette?"
Murphy, terrified, looked at Paddy and said "He wants a cigarette! "Well offer him a cigarette! HURRY!!" Paddy replies. So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells "Step on it!!" rolling up the window in terror.
Now going about 100 kilometres an hour, they calm down and they start laughing. Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window and there is the old man again!
"Aaaarrrgh! There he is again!" Murphy yells. "Well see what he wants now!" yells back Paddy. He rolls down the window a little bit and shakily says "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.
Murphy throws his lighter out the window, rolls up the window then yells "STEP ON IT!"
They are now going about 150 kilometres an hour, shocked at what they had just experienced, when all of a sudden... there is MORE KNOCKING!
"OH MY GOD! HE'S BACK!"
He rolls down the window and screams out "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" in stark fear. The old man gently replies "You want some help getting out of this mud?"
Well dudes that me done. Finished. Finito. Murder she wrote. Oh except this bit...
-Follow me on Facebook.
-Check out the archives.
-Next update will be next Thursday.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2021.12.09-20.40
Welcome to nut spacing grip grids and splay-flexed brace columns against beam-fastened derrick husk nuts and girdle plate Jerries, while plate flex tandems press task apparati of ten vertipin-plated pan traps at every maiden clamp plate packet. Knuckle couplers plate alternating sprams from the t-nut to the SKN to the chim line.
I'm just going to come out and say it - this is a killer update. Smashed like a mofo this week and was surprisingly uninterrupted, especially compared to the past couple, so what you dudes are about to embark on is something that'll take you to the highest of highs, titillate in ways you didn't know were possible and, once its all said and done, leave you begging for more. All part of the Orsm experience. Check it...
John got off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said. "I'll be ready in a few minutes" she said. "Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through". The dog followed John onto the balcony and started rolling over. John made a hoop with his arms and Spot jumped through - over the balcony railing. Just then John's date walked out. "Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?" "To tell you the truth " he replied "Spot seemed a little depressed to me!"
--
This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. There are two sheriff's deputies there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife. The guy says "Sure" and shows him a picture of his wife. The sheriff says "I'm very sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck". The guy says " I know, but she has a great personality, and she's an excellent cook".
--
My girlfriend and I have this new deal where she has to lose a certain amount of weight, or I get to have sex with the woman of my choice. To celebrate our new deal, I've ordered us in some pizzas.
--
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says "I'll give each of you just one wish" "Me first! Me first!" says the administration clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world". Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life". Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up" the Genie says to the manager. The manager says "I want those two back in the office after lunch".
--
A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny Spanish hotel when I started to feel ill. Needing a doctor, I rang reception who said they'd get the hotel doctor to visit. I was rather surprised that such a small hotel would have a house doctor, and was just telling the hotel manager this when my room door burst open and in leapt a man yelling "Nobody expects the Spanish Inn physician!"
--
A farmer had three beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said "I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?" "No" the farmer said. The second beau came to the door and said "I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?" "No". The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ""Hello, my name is Chuck". The farmer shot Chuck.
--
I was offered sex with a 21-year-old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.
--
I brought my grandmother to one of those fish spa centres where the little fish eat your dead skin, only cost $45. Was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery!
--
Miss Hamlet is teaching the 6-year-olds new words. "Contagious" she says. Can anyone use "contagious" in a sentence? Mary puts up her hand and says "The corona virus is very contagious!" "Well done" says miss Hamlet "Next?" Timmy put his hand up and shouts "Chicken pox are contagious!!" "Good job!" miss Hamlet says "Anyone else?" "Me, me, me!!!" Shouts little Johnny. "Yes, Johnny, go on..." says miss. "Well last weekend, our neighbour was painting his whole fence with a paint brush. Dad looked out the window and said "Fuck, that's gunna take the cunt ages!"
--
The other day, I was walking through the mall and noticed that a new Muslim Book Store had opened. I wondered exactly what was in a Muslim bookstore so I went in. As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me. I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?" The clerk said "Fuck off! Get out and Stay out!" I said "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
--
Two men are in a rowboat. After being shipwrecked in the middle of the Pacific. The first man looks over to the second and says "We should paddle to the west. It is the way the ship was going. They'll probably look for us first over there". The second man nods and says "We could do that, or..." The first man interrupts the second "or, we could paddle to the east! We haven't been traveling too long, it is probably a shorter distance!" The second man nods and says "We can do that, or..." The first man interrupts again "Or we can paddle south! Most of the islands around here are to the south!" The second man nods and says "We can do that, or..." The first man interrupts again, getting quite upset "Or what!? Where do you think we should paddle to?" The second man says "Heck if I know, but, if we're gonna paddle anywhere, I need the goddamn oar!"
--
An emergency call was made to the local police station. "Come quickly" gasped the voice "a burglar is trapped in the bedroom of an old spinster". "We'll be right there" said the desk sergeant. "May I ask who's talking?" "It's me, the burglar, come quick!"
--
Deep in the heart of Sherwood Forest, Robin Hood was lying in bed in his cottage, only a few days from death. "Little John" he croaked "give me my bow and arrow and open the window. I will fire the arrow and wherever it lands, please bury me there". And indeed, a few days later, Robin died and having promised to carry out his final wish, Little John and the rest of the Merry Men buried Robin on top of the wardrobe.
--
I was sitting next to an elderly ecclesiastical gentleman on a plane recently who was doing a crossword. After a long pause in his labour, he turned to me and said "Can you think of a four-letter word describing a woman ending in u-n-t" "Aunt" I suggested. "Ah yes..." he said.
While doing my supermarket shopping this morning, I saw a guy buy ten 6-packs of San Miguel, 20 Paella ready meals, 10 boxes of Tacos and 3 Sombreros. I said to myself, Hispanic buying.
--
A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and had to let loose a big noisy fart. Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her "Do you by any chance have today's paper?" The lady looked at him and said "No, but the next time we pass by a tree I'll grab you a handful of leaves".
--
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the ducks former owner "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
--
Fred, a lifelong racist living in the western suburbs of Sydney, is in a major car crash. When he comes round three days later in hospital, the surgeon says "I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is you have had two pints of African blood and two pints of Muslim blood". Fred screams "What the hell is the good news then?" "Your penis is six inches longer and you are top of the housing list".
A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.
Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly. He says "I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony".
The three sinners, knowing the lives they've lived, look at each other nervously awaiting judgement. They know their pasts are not worthy of the heavens, but they don't feel they deserve hell either.
Jesus takes a look at a holy book sitting atop a gleaming marble pedestal.
"In this book I see the names of all humans, all I have to do is look up your name and I shall see the life you've lived!"
Flipping through the pages Jesus mumbles to himself as the three sinners wait to hear their fates. "It seems" Jesus finally speaks "that none of you deserve to be here. In fact, you have all wasted your days on earth doing nothing but chasing after the lusts and fruits the devil hath provided for you to feast. I'm sorry but you do not belon-"
"WAIT!!!" screams the sex addict. "Give us one more chance to prove we're worthy!"
"Yeah! We won't let you down again!" finishes the alcoholic.
Jesus thinks for a while, pondering what to do. Then at last, he comes up with an idea. Summoning three rooms behind three doors he leads the sinners to them.
"Behind these doors are the tools you have used to sin against God. You will spend one hundred years in these rooms. Once I return, if you have not sinned, you will be welcome into heaven. Do you agree to my terms?"
All three nod and agree enthusiastically, happy to gain a second chance.
So, Jesus leads them each to their room to spend the next century.
Upon arriving at the first door, it opens. This room is for the sex addict. It is full of beautiful woman and beds to lay on. Jesus bids him farewell and shuts him in the room.
At the second door upon opening, they see a giant room full of booze. Any kind that you could think of as far as the eye could see! Once again, Jesus bids the alcoholic farewell and shuts him in the room.
Finally, they reach the third room and open the door. This last door opens up to a field of marijuana. There are plants everywhere and bowls and bongs to pack them in as well.
"Good luck". Jesus says, shutting the pot head into the room.
A hundred years pass and Jesus goes to check on the three sinners. Hoping for the best, but not very confident in them as a hundred years is a long time!
Arriving at the first door he opens it to find the sex addict, lying in a bed surrounded by women. You can see that he has failed, many of them are pregnant.
Just like that, he closes the door, pulls a lever and casts the sinner to hell!
Coming to the second door. He opens it and is blasted by a thick smell of liquor. There are broken bottles everywhere and the alcoholic, clearly as drunk as can be, is lying in a pool of the foul-smelling liquid.
Shaking his head, Jesus closes the door and over again, pulls another lever casting the alcoholic to the deepest depths of hell!
Upon arriving to the third door, Jesus is in poor spirits expecting the same to be seen from the pot head. He opens the door and all is still. Looking around, the pot head is nowhere to be seen.
All around him there are bongs and bowls packed full of weed. Mountains of joints and blunts rolled to perfection. But not a single puff has been taken.
Finally, Jesus stumbled upon the man, soaked in his own tears, he looks up at Jesus who is clearly surprised and says "Jesus please! I'm sorry, take me to hell if you must but please, will you PLEASE give me a lighter!?"
A woman decides to pick up a dozen bagels for her co-workers.
She stops by a local bakery on the way to work and there is a huge line. She waits a while, gets up to the front, and tells the man behind the counter "I'd like a dozen bagels please". "I'm sorry, but we're out of bagels". The woman says never mind then and proceeds to leave the store.
On the way back to her car though she thinks 'Wait, it's a bakery, they'll make more'.
So she gets back in the long line and waits and waits, and when she finally gets back up to the front she says "I'd like a dozen bagels please". The man recognises the lady and says, a little more irritated than before "I'm sorry lady, we're out of bagels".
The woman walks away in a bit more of a huff, gets back to her car and actually starts it before deciding that she didn't like that guy's attitude, and if they don't have bagels by the time she gets up to the front of the line again she's going to complain to the manager.
So she walks back, waits in the line, and as soon as she gets back up to the front the guy behind the counter looks at her and says "Look, let me see if I can put this in terms you can understand. Can you spell 'cat', as in 'catastrophic'? "
The woman is a little puzzled and says "Uh, yeah, C-A-T".
"Good, now can you spell 'dog' as in 'dogmatic'?"
"Yes, D-O-G".
"Great, now can you spell 'fuck' as in 'bagels'?"
Confused, the woman replies "There's no 'fuck' in 'bagels'"
A skinhead and his girlfriend were walking down main street when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewellery store window.
"Wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said. "No problem, baby" the skinhead said, throwing a brick through the glass and grabbing the ring.
A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a black leather jacket in another shop window.
"What I'd give to own that!" she said. "Sure thing, darling" the skinhead said, throwing another brick through the window and snatching the coat.
Finally, turning for home, they pass a Mercedes car dealership. "Boy, I'd do anything for one of those!" she said to her boyfriend. "Damn, baby!" the skinhead cried. "Do you think I'm made of bricks?"
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The farmer says "I could put you up for one night, but you'll have to stay in the barn".
So he spends the night there and the next morning the farmer comes in, he says "Were you comfortable?" He goes "I had a great time; I talked to all the animals". The farmer says "You talked to the animals?" "Yeah I spoke to the chickens, they say you collect the eggs every morning exactly at five minutes after six". "That's exactly right".
He says "The horse tells me his name is Otis, you've owned him for 10 years".He says "That's incredible".
Then the salesman said "I spoke to the cow, the cow says that her name is Elsie and you milk her every morning at exactly 8:30".
"And then I spoke to the sheep". And the farmer goes "Now look here, those sheep are lying".
A man was driving through town with his windows down when he heard a man at a small roadside stand yelling "Lobster tails! Get your lobster tails here only two dollars!"
The man hit his brakes and pulled over. He walked up to the salesman thinking this must be too good to be true.
"Are you really only charging two dollars for lobster tails?" "Yessir! Whaddya looking for, a long one or a short one? Both only two bucks".
"How about the longest one you got!"
The man handed the salesman two $1 notes. The salesman thanked him and instructed him to sit in a nearby chair as he knelt down under the counter. The man thought that was strange, but complied, happily awaiting his lobster tail.
After a minute, the salesman popped up from under the counter with a large book. He opened the book to the front page, cleared his throat, and began to read...
She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.
"What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said "Oh, I use hole in the trunk of tree". Horrified, she said "Tarzan you have it all wrong... but I will show you how to do it properly".
She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide.
"Here" she said "You must put it in here".
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony.
Eventually she managed to gasp "What the hell did you do that for?" "Me checking for bees" said Tarzan.
ARE DOZENS OF ASTONISHING HAND BRAS SOMETHING YOU MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN? WELL CLICK ON...
It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?" "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognising the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment...
Father O'Malley then replied "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Three middle aged ladies were sitting around the porch one day bragging about their husbands' sex drive when one decided that they should refer to their lovers as a soft drink.
The first lady began "My husband is like a 7-Up, he's got seven inches and it's always up!"
The second replied "My man is like a Mountain Dew, when he mounts me he always knows what to do!"
After a moment the third woman says "My man is like a Jack Daniels".
"That's not a soft drink" one woman exclaims "That's a hard liquor!"
Without hesitation the lady shouts "That's my Fred!"
Two gay blokes are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection.
The gay men are fascinated by this. One of the men just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours nonstop. When he's done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage.
An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital. Next day his friend visits him in the hospital and asks "Are you hurt?"
"AM I HURT?" he shouts "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called, he hasn't written"...
They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer".
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type".
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "The sign says you have to be good with a computer".
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.
By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said "I realise that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job".
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual".
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said "Meow".
Well folks that is me 100% totally and utterly spent. The update is over too by the way. If you loved it, and ever if you didn't, read on...
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. Rapidly approaching the 1,000 update mark all conveniently saved for your perusing pleasure.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Second last for 2021!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll stone you to death.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2021.12.02-20.00
Welcome to chewing off more than you can... chew.
Blech. Ever have those days/weeks/lives where you're over it and just want to get on with shit? Me right now. So let's do exactly that... but first allow me to promise you what will be the most incredibly entertaining, fulfilling, satisfying and uplifting experience you will EVER have - today's Orsm update. Check it...
So a 1024MB Memory Card walks into a bar. The Memory Card spots a piano, sits down at it and starts playing some incredible music. After a number of songs, mostly original, the Memory Card gets up and the bar goes wild with cheers and applause. The bar owner was incredibly impressed and runs up to the Memory Card and says "Buddy, you were INCREDIBLE! If you come back tomorrow, I'll split the night's till with you!" "No can do..." says the Memory Card. "I'm limited to one gig!"
--
Chuck and Jan arrived at the Registry Office to fill in the forms required for their wedding in two weeks' time. As Chuck wrote his name, the clerk told him he could not accept a nickname. He had better go next door to the Births, Deaths and Marriages Department to check out his full Christian name. So Chuck went next door and a few minutes later came back and duly filled in his name as Charles. But then it was Jan's turn and she was also told to go next door and confirm her full name. In this case it was Janette. "It's a good thing I'm thorough" said the clerk smugly "or this marriage wouldn't have been legal and any kids you might have had would be technical bastards". "What a coincidence" said Jan "that's exactly what the bloke next door said about you".
--
Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says "Did you see that?" "No" the second guy says. "Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead" the first guy says. "Oh" says the second guy. A couple of minutes later, The first guy says "Did you see that?" "See what?" the second guy asks. "Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there". "Oh". A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?" By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says "Yes, I did!" And the first guy says "Then why did you step in it?"
--
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure. So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die.
--
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden, this great big dude comes in and *WHACK!* knock's the little guy off his bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says "That was a karate chop from Korea". The little guy thinks "GEEZ" but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden *WHACK!* the big dude knocks him down AGAIN. This time he says "That was a judo chop from Japan". So the little guy has had enough of this. He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returns. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and *WHACK!* knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!! The little guy looks at the barman and says "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Bunnings!"
--
At the end of the human biology class, the lecturer conducted a quick question and answer session to check that everyone had been listening to his lesson. "You over there, the girl in red" he said pointing "which part of the body becomes 10 times its normal size under emotional stress?" Flushed with embarrassment, the girl refused to answer, so another student volunteered. The pupil of the eye, sir". "Correct" replied the lecturer and he turned to the girl, saying, Young lady, your refusal to answer my question indicates three things. One, you haven't been listening to my lecture, two, you are obsessed with sex, and three, you are going to be very disappointed".
--
I was at grocery store yesterday, this thick grumpy lady was on the check-out, face like a slapped arse and all the charisma of a jellied eel. I came to pay; I had only bought milk and bread but had no change. "$1.03 please". "Sorry, this is all I've got" as I handed her a $20 note. "Haven't you got anything smaller, 'cos it will take all my change, and I don't wanna count out $18.97?" she replied and pulled a stroppy face. "I've got nothing, if that helps" I replied. She didn't get it so I thought fuck it, I'll pay by card. "Shall I pay by card?" I asked. "Don't do me no favours" she snapped. I kept my cool and just put my PIN in. "Any cash out?" she asked sarcastically. I couldn't resist it... "Oh yes, $18.97 please".
--
A brunette goes to the doctor and says "Everywhere I touch it hurts". He asks "What do you mean?" So she showed him what she meant. She touched her knee and said "Ouch!" Then she touched her chest and said "Ouch!" Then her shoulder "Ouch!" The doctor looks at her and asks "You're really blonde, aren't you?" She replies "Yes, as a matter of fact I am. How did you guess?" Doctor says "Well your finger is broken".
--
While on holiday, the Seven Dwarfs visit the local convent to buy some souvenirs. They meet up with the Mother Superior and Dopey stops to talk to her. "Excuse me, your holy one, do you have any short nuns here?" Mother Superior is quite puzzled by the question but replies "Not very short, some around 5 foot". "Are you sure there aren't any nuns about 3 foot in height?" he persists. "No, no, no one like that". As the dwarfs leave, the Mother Superior follows them quietly down the road to try and discover the reason for such an odd question. She overhears the other dwarfs asking him what was said, and he replies "She said they don't have any". On hearing this, the dwarfs fall about laughing and chanting: "Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!"
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So" he said "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe". Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000". The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!"
--
Saw an old man collecting trolleys in the supermarket car park, I felt sorry for him, he must have been pushing 70.
--
The mafia have boiled a man to death in an industrial pasta cooker. Police are undergoing tests to aldentify the victim.
--
Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mummy, mummy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother. "He thinks a lot" replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness. Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked "So why do you have so much hair?"
A mailman walked down the street and saw Little Johnny playing in a pile of shit, had it between his fingers and smeared over his body.
The mailman asked him what he was doing and Johnny looked up and said "Making a mailman".
This pissed the mailman off, he went up the street and saw a fireman. He told the fireman what the boy was doing and what a smart A*s the kid was, the fireman said that he would have a talk with the boy.
The fireman walked up to Little Johnny and asked him what was he doing playing in pile of shit, Johnny looked up and said "Making a fireman".
This pissed the fireman off so he left to tell a cop. The cop said that he would have a talk with the boy.
The cop asked Little Johnny "What are you doing, playing with a pile of shit?"
Little Johnny looked up and said nothing.
The cop said "You told the mailman and the fireman that you were making a fireman and a mailman, why don't you tell me that you are making a cop?"
Little Johnny looked up and without a grin said "Because I aint got enough shit".
The year is 2024 and it's time to decide a new President of the United States.
There are three candidates for the American people to choose from: Joe Biden, looking to hold onto the Presidency, Donald Trump, looking to regain it, and Obama in a sombrero and fake moustache calling himself "Juanbama".
The people cast their votes and when they're all counted up, the realise it's a complete three way tie in both electoral and popular votes, and the people have no idea what to do.
After much deliberation, it is decided that they will have a literal Presidential race - 1 lap around the White House, with the fastest being the next Commander in Chief, all of them being timed by a Secret Service member.
Up first is Trump. He walks up to the starting line and proclaims "This will be the greatest lap around the White House, in the history of the White House. In fact, this could be the greatest lap in the history of laps run, in the history of anywhere".
He sets off, but as he's not in the best of shape, it takes him a while, and he finishes in 19:46.
Up next is Joe Biden. He starts of great in the opening five minutes, running at a great speed for a man of his age, but after that he forgets what he's doing and finishes the race as a leisurely stroll, finishing at 20:19.
And the final racer is Juanbama. He gets ready to run and when he hears the whistle he sprints at full speed, going as fast as he possibly can. By the time he reached the finish, he is exhausted, but he powers on and collapses over the finish line.
"What was my time?" he asks the Secret Service member. "10:36" he replies. "That's gotta be some kind of record" says Juanbama. "No" says the Secret Service agent "Bush did 9:11".
George was planning on going out with 'The Boys' when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.
Wife "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt".
George: "But Honey, I promise that I won't drink a drop of alcohol all night!"
So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze.
George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shit-faced. After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chunks all over his shirt.
George "Shit! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!"
Bill, George's best pal, gave drunkass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.
Bill "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned".
So, when drunkass George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room.
Wife: "I KNEW that you would spew all over that new shirt!"
George "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned".
His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.
Wife: "Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollars come from?"
George: "Oh, that's from the guy who shit in my pants".
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In this experiment they put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling. Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable.
Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up. Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder. One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious, but, undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder. All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why. However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.
A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him. This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it. However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new monkey.
One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced, eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder. All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.
And that's how very many company policies and procedures get established.
WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE
Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding - with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.
Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!
After the brothel burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "The Power Of Prayer".
But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means".
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit".
The electricity man called round at number 71 Burswood Road to turn on the power for the new tenants.
After knocking at the door for some time it was eventually opened by a small boy.
"Where's your mum, son?" he asked. The little boy didn't answer but just pointed at the stairs.
So, thinking there was something wrong, he went up the stairs and walked into the bedroom. There on the bed was a woman being shagged by a huge billy goat. He rushed back down the stairs, badly shaken by what he had seen, and stammered at the little boy.
"Son, son, do you know what's going on up there, do you know what they're doing?" The boy just looked at him and then said "Na-a-a-a-a-a".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A transvestite hooker is getting ready for his night out.
He puts on his fish-net stockings, a red mini-skirt, and his tallest red heels. While he's at his street corner, this hulking guy approaches him and belts out "How much for sex?" The transvestite tells him that it's *that* time of the month, and offers oral instead. The huge guy thinks it over for a minute or two and then counters with "How 'bout anal?" Too intimidated to say no, the transvestite leads the john into an alley to have sex.
While the john is going to town, the transvestite can't help but start to get excited himself and gets an erection. Right as the john is getting ready to climax, he reaches around to give the hooker some pleasure when his hand encounters the stiff member.
"Hot damn" he yelled out "in one end and out the other!"
Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty.
"Hello" said the Father "And how is Mr. O'Donovan, didn't I marry you two years ago?" "You did that, Father".
"And are there any little ones yet?" "No, not yet, Father" said she.
"Well now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you". "Thank-you, Father". And away she went.
A few years later they met again.
"Well now, Mrs. O'Donovan" said the Father "how are you?" "Oh, very well" said she.
"And tell me" he said "have you any little ones yet?" "Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles - ten in all!" "Now isn't that wonderful" he said.
"And how is your lovely husband?" "Oh" she said "he's over in Rome to blow that bloody candle out!"
The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said "I would like to withdraw $500".
The female teller told her "For withdrawals less than $5,000, please use the ATM". The old lady then asked "Why?" The teller irritably told her "These are rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a queue behind you".
She then returned the card to the old lady.
The old lady remained silent... but then she returned the card to the teller and said "Please help me withdraw all the money I have".
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance.
She nodded her head, leaned down and said to the old lady "My apologies mam, you have $3.5 million in your account and our bank does not have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?"
The old lady then asked "How much am I able to withdraw now?" The teller told her "Any amount up to $300,000".
The old lady then told the teller that she wanted to withdraw $300,000 from her account.
The teller did so quickly and handed it to the old lady respectfully.
The old lady kept $500 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $299,500 back into her account.
Don't be difficult with Seniors... they will outwit you.
Well humans, that’s Orsm done and done for another week. I'd like to remind y'all that there are only three more updates remaining this year. Woo-fucking-hoo!
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. Or at least has been known to.
-Check out the archives. They don't get better they get best.
-Next update will be 'some point' between Wednesday and Friday... but not either of those days.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET or I'll make a big song and dance about it.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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