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Welcome to greed-shaming.
There are over 30 Easter Eggs in this update. How many can you find?
For someone who once loved Christmas, slowly grew to hate everything about it, and has more recently come to like it again, in spite of this, I've always tried hard to do Orsm Christmas updates right. Or in this year's case, OVERdo them right. Given this is the last update for 2017 I went all out and made it as big as possible so you guys have plenty to keep you occupied until we resume in the New Year.
I always like to take the opportunity to run through stats come December and see what's what; see what you guys got the biggest kicks out of. Some people do this religiously but not really my thing... or at least not as much as it used to be. There's always some surprises and if I were smarter, I'd probably play more to what brings in mad pageviews. For the most part Orsm has always been about what *I* found interesting. Wouldn't do it otherwise. Let's take a look shall we?
Let's start with the TOP 5 MOST VIEWED PORN CLIPS. These generally start with 'amateur' in the title. Can't quite remember when, but this was enough to trigger some guy who went on a commenting spree and correctly noted/complained that certain clips weren't actually amateur porn. True... but it's my fucking site and I find putting 'amateur' in the title a pretty convenient way to let everyone know the clip is porn... also, most importantly, that's how it's always been done. Capisci? Before we start, honourable mention for this clip. Absolutely no idea why but it was the fourth most viewed clip on Orsm this year. Alright here goes...
Next up is the TOP 5 MOST VIEWED SEXY/NSFW VIDS category. The last of which is my fave because fucking look at her!! Grab some tissues and tell your penis to get ready for another beating...
A considerable amount of time goes into posting clips each week and obviously it's not all porn. There's typically 70-80 new vids in each update and the majority aren't porn at all. So this brings us to the TOP 5 MOST VIEWED GENERAL/NON-PORN VIDEOS category. Here goes...
Whilst poring over the stats I scrolled all the way to the bottom and looked at what didn't do well. Here's the TOP 5 LEAST VIEWED VIDEOS for 2017. I don't think they are that bad! Ironically too, bringing attention to them will likely lift them from bottom place. This must be why they say all results are final. Take a squiz...
There's typically 5 or 6 galleries in each update and it's impossible to tell which will be the most popular. There's definitely some effort in putting together fapworthy images which you guys will hopefully love. Sometimes I'll include something a bit odd and sure enough, that came in second most smashed gallery for the year. Each to his own. So... here are the TOP 5 IMAGE GALLERIES. Enjoy...
It's anyone's guess what will titillate most with Random Shite. If for some reason you haven't figured it out - it's random. There could be anything in there. Could be something funny or sad or sexy or stupid or stuff you may not understand. RS isn't trying to make a point nor is there a deliberate theme... it's just 50 random images and the TOP 5 MOST POPULAR RANDOM SHITE'S were...
Managed to crank out 50 updates this year [including this one]. Only missed updating one week in May to have some time off following arrival of child #2. The most viewed update was the Orsm birthday update in September.
Alright that'll do with the stats. We should definitely get on with the brand new final update for the year. It is a bloody monster. Have been slowly working on it for weeks and then non-stop since last week. If you don't like it, aren't entertained, impressed or any other adjectives, then I would suggest you have deep emotional problems and are a bad person who should seek help. Just jokes. Merry fucking Christmas. Check it...
LOL WOT?!Around The 1:50 Mark She Denies A Handful Of The Colonel's Secret Recipe. Uh Uh. If That's Her Idea Of Cutting Back On Carbs, I'd Love To Know How She Celebrates Thanksgiving... - Humanity FailInhumanity Is A Free Porn Tube Updated With The Best Free And Bizarre Porn Videos Every Day! - Horny Huh?The Things Ya See At A 7/11 In Arkansas! - Mastur-SessionWhat A Fucking Solo Show This Chick Puts On... - Crazy PussyNever Stick Your Dick In Crazy - Sexy BitchAlex McGregor - Topless South African Model And Sexy Bitch - Oh Look At Me!Katie Salmon Topless On A Paddleboard - Sexy TanlinesBusty Babe Ali Rose Getting Naked To Read The Morning Paper!! Wait... What? Yeah, I Know... That Doesn’t Really Make Any Sense But I’m Not Complaining. -
Punch FuckingDamn, This Wife Likes It Nice And Brutal - All OverParaglider Falls To His Death - Sex Kitten"Are You Sure We're Allowed To Be Doing This On The Internet?" - Girl On GirlThe Hottest Girl On Girl Action You'll See Today - HeadcaseSomebodies Emo Sister Is Really Into Anal! - AshamedDelivery Boy Is Ashamed Of His Boner - Busted!Couple So Horny They Pulled Their Motorbike Over For A Quick Fuck. No Way They Were Going To Care About An Audience! - Pix DumpFunny Pictures DCLXXXIX From Phun - Rihanna NipsRihanna Has Nipples... Fascinating. The Titties Get Bigger And That’s A Good Thing... You Know To Offset The Thick Thighs... - No ChanceThe Accident Occurred During The Height Of The Tower Crane To Throw Workers On The 18th Floor Of 20-Storey. South Korea
She FineGenevieve Morton Is A South African Model. She Made Her Debut In The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue And Was Voted The Sexiest Woman In The World In 2012 By FHM. - Bad BoyfriendsA Brand New Compilation Of Asshole Boyfriends Utilizing Their Volunteer Cumdumpsters As Physical, Emotional And Sexual Punching Bags. - F-ing IdiotAnother Girl Instantly Regrets Tattooing Her Eyeballs - Model TitsSveta Utkina - Titty Model - School SlutBusty Asian School Girl Jade Kush Has Been Sent To The Principal’s Office For Being A Very Naughty Girl!!! She Must Be Punished!! - Decent RackNicky Whelan Breasts In See Through Blouse - Crowd SexedI Think It's Safe To Say This Bachelorette Party Got Wayyyy Out Of Control! - Outdoor AnalHot Amateur Nicole Outdoor First Time Anal While Filming... Except I Think None Of Those Things Are True And This Is A Girl Who Knows Her Craft Like A Boss! - Lesbian OrgyLesbian Orgy With Lux, Celeste, Mia And Angie
Today at the gym I asked a girl what her New Year's resolution is and she said "Fuck you". So, I'm pretty excited about 2018.
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James and Neil were fortunate enough to have a season ticket to watch Manchester United. They could not help noticing that there was always a spare seat next (A16) to them and they had a friend who would love to buy a season ticket, especially if all three could have seats together. One half-time Neil went to the ticket office and asked if they could buy the season ticket for A16. The official said that unfortunately the ticket had been sold. Nevertheless, week after week the seat was still empty. Then on Boxing Day, much to James and Neil's amazement the seat was taken for the first time that season. Neil could not resist asking the newcomer "Where have you been all season?" "Don't ask" he said "the wife bought the season ticket last summer, and kept it for a surprise Christmas present".
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My son has just asked me why his friends Aziz and Tariq didn't get any Christmas presents off Santa. So I told him "Son, you're 10 years old now and you're old enough to know the truth about Santa... he fucking hates Muslims".
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My girlfriend told me last Christmas she wanted something surprising and sexy. Turned out she didn't mean rape.
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It has been reported that due to the negative impact the slow recovery has had on economies all over the world, this Christmas, Santa Claus will have only two "Ho's" not three as is the custom. Additionally, it was reported, that if the recovery continues at its current slow rate, in 2018 Santa might have to do with only one, Ho.
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I asked the wife what she wants for Christmas this year "Some chocolate and a nice surprise would be lovely" she replied. Kinder egg it is then.
ORSM VIDEO
| IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE |
WHAT RUNINED CHRISTMAS...
Christmas brings out the worst in people. I don't know why. Many just can't cope and it manifests in weird ways ways that torture their loved ones. Thank god its only once a year. Reading through these you end up somewhere between holy crap that was funny and holy crap that's messed up.
-My mum got me size zero jeans. I'm a size six. When I looked at her, confused, she smugly said "Oh, I know you're not that thin, but these are something to work towards!" Also, my mother is a cunt.
-One Christmas morning we woke up and OH MY GOD a kitten was under the tree! This was the best thing we had ever seen. But the kitten took one look at us and started throwing itself around the lounge, tearing the presents to shreds. We started crying when it kept running into the windows. Our parents came down, and yelled, 'WHO LET THIS CAT INTO THE HOUSE?!' Turns out it was a wild kitten that climbed in the window in the night and got stuck inside.
-Last year, my very unreliable Tinder crush invited me to a New Year's Eve party, but, of course, accidentally gave me the wrong address, then didn't pick up his phone. Luckily, the apartment I arrived at was also having a party, and a great one at that. I stayed and ended up meeting my current boyfriend. Fate!
-Another Christmas my Mum wanted to go to a concert that was out of town. Christmas Eve, we were each handed a five dollar bill as our Christmas present. Then my parents took off to Dallas for the concert. They left my 17 year old brother to babysit 6 kids. He locked us up in the basement with no heat and took off with his friends. He came home at 2AM and told us to not tell mum and dad what he did. Next day, when my parents came home, one of my siblings ratted my brother out and we were all whipped for lying. Great memories.
-One Christmas, I somehow managed to get it together and have all my gifts wrapped and ready days in advance. I couldn't wait to head home and impress my family with my thoughtfully selected array. I was going to be a hero. But when my brother came to pick me up, I was, of course, running late. Frazzled, I threw on some clothes, loaded the bags with the gifts into my arms, and started down five flights of stairs. That's when I tripped, and the presents proceeded down two flights on their own - my heart dropped at the sound of vases breaking. And that was the year I gave my family broken glass for Christmas. But hey, since then no one gives me a hard time about assembling my gifts the night before".
-I was married to this one guy, but I was pregnant with this other guy's baby (total God but he was using me.) Anyway, me and the husband hit the road and I went into labour and I wound up giving birth in a barn... I'll never forget that Christmas. And neither will you.
-OxyContin addicted cousin cut her wrists at the dinner table with the turkey carving knife. What a mess. True story.
-One year, our family friends were over for Christmas Eve. After my sisters and I went to bed, our parents and their friends had a bit too much red wine. The husband yacked all over my older sister's Christmas gifts just after my mum put them out. They were stained red. My mum sure had fun explaining that one.
-The worst is probably the year my two brothers in law got into a fist fight and one ended up spending the night in jail. I had to call the cops and spend the evening comforting the toddlers who were old enough to know something was going on, but too young to fully understand or even express their feelings. It was a rough year.
-Imagine a Big Catholic Family: My grandparents, their six kids and their significant others, and a total of 14 grandkids. All I remember is my uncle swinging the door open, striding in wearing a shiny sequined purple shirt, holding his partner's hand, and yelling at the top of his voice "DAD, I'M GAY". Then my grandpa, standing up from his chair, walking over to the liquor cabinet, opening it, and taking out his big bottle of Crown Royal whisky and taking a swig. I love my family. :)
-The worst I can remember is when I was ten, when I wrote a letter to Santa asking him to help my mum quit smoking. My mum, of course, read the letter, and she took me aside and told me never to bring that up with her again. And that's how I found out there was no Santa.
-While we were opening presents my ex put wrapping paper on a lit candle. We all tried to put it out, but lit pieces of paper flew around the living room so he started grabbing them with his bare hands and running to the sink. The smell of burnt skin and paper filled the house most of the day.
-The first Christmas my (now ex) husband and I spent together, we decided to buy a real Christmas tree for our apartment. To cut a long story short, it transpired that the tree was covered tiny black worms that fell out all over our sitting room floor. In all my Christmases I've never seen worms on a tree like that before, it was honestly horrible and I don't really mind bugs or wormy creatures. We had to get rid of the tree ASAP, it was too stressful thinking of the worms continually dropping off the branches onto the floor.
-We came home from Christmas Eve Mass to discover that our dog had gotten into the box of stocking stuffers and eaten over a pound and a half of chocolate. We made him vomit, and then my husband and I took turns staying up with him all night to let him out every 5-30 minutes. I was seven months pregnant at the time".
Got a good one to share? Email me! I'll add it to next years list!
CHRISTMAS AMATEURS: PART 1 |
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Previously on Orsm: XMAS AMATEURS #12 - XMAS AMATEURS #11 - XMAS AMATEURS #10 - XMAS AMATEURS #9
A CHRISTMAS STORY FOR PEOPLE HAVING A BAD DAY
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, "'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
ORSM VIDEO
EIGHTEEN BOTTLES
I received 18 bottles of whisky last Christmas, and was told by my wife to empty them or else! I said I would, and proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I drew the cork of the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass which I drank.
I extracted the cork from the second bottle, and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass which I drank.
I withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whisky down the sink, which I drank.
I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink, and poured the bottle down the glass which I drank.
Next I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it, then threw the rest down the glass.
Then I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle, corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by, I counted them again.
Finally, I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.
1 am not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am, and I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know which is me, and the drunker I stand here the longer I get.
I really felt terrible the next day but I thought I had better help the storm and strife making the
RANDOM SHITE #1
XMAS SHITE FROM THE ARCHIVES - 2016 #1 / #2 - 2015 #1 / #2 - 2014 #1 / #2 - 2013 #1 / #2
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ORSM VIDEO
WHAT RUNINED CHRISTMAS... [CONTINUED]
-2008, I came down with swine flu and had to wear a surgical mask. My deadbeat dad went to jail. And on Christmas morning I found my beloved pet parakeet dead on the bottom of his cage. My neighbours looked out their back window that day to see a sobbing 17-year-old in a pink bathrobe and SARS mask saying a funeral for a dead bird in the middle of a blizzard.
-This was actually really funny. It was from my Grandmother. I unwrapped it and it was a little tin box. I opened the box and there was a fake gift card there, like an indication of this is where you put the gift card. And I just looked at her like... what is it or what's going on? And she goes "It's a gift card holder. You can put all your gift cards in there". And I just started laughing saying "Noooo, you are supposed to put a gift card in here to give to someone!"
-The Christmas tree broke in half while I was sitting on the floor next to it. It fell on my head, an ornament broke, and it cut my head open.
-Straight A student, never got in fights, helped in the community, never talked back, helped around the house and paid for everything I owned with jobs since I was 12. Sister got a Game Gear along with games etc. as her stocking stuffer, let along her other presents. I got a piece of coal. After the laughter died down I asked if I could open my real presents to be told that WAS my present. When asked why and what I did to deserve it I was told 'you didn't do anything wrong, I thought it would be funny.'
-My grandmother has bipolar disorder and in a manic state she'll spend over 24 hours straight shopping/gambling/spending money. So one Christmas she brings us BOXES and BOXES of presents, all from a discount store in Florida. All of the girls get grandma shirts: sequined beach scenes, pastel colours. Mine had a dolphin with a wreath around its neck. My father got a statue of Santa fishing. My uncle, a very skinny guy, gets three XXXL shirts of Santa at a tiki bar. Grandma even bought herself some three-inch red and feathery heels. Oh, and she bought a new car.
-I had gotten home from college I found myself with some excess cash. I decided to invest in some new video games for myself and had them sent to my house. The strange thing was I had only received half of the games. I emailed the suppliers and told them I hadn't gotten my packages yet and was growing quite sad. Well Christmas morning came around and I was opening up my presents. I got to the one from my older brothers. I tore the paper away and open the box. Inside there were several other packages that had been mailed to our house. With my name on them. My brother had taken half of my games and hid them from me until Christmas... Worst present ever.
-Christmas 1997: I ended up in the ER after running through a glass door. The scar on my forearm burns with every Christmas song played.
-My step-father, when I was really young, got it into his head that he was supposed to replace my father. So when, at 5 years old, I refused to call him dad (because I still had a relationship with my father) he got pissed and gave up on me. His entire family treated me like shit. My younger brother, who was his kid, was thankfully spared, but I dreaded the holidays because of it. I distinctly remember watching my brother open piles of awesome presents only to receive for myself one of those cheap make-up kits from CVS/Dollar Store and a used, opened Jamaican Barbie. Her face was even scuffed. There is no better way to tell a little girl that you hate her than to give her a used Barbie. What kind of adult mistreats a child for something out of their control, I will never understand. My children will never be allowed to interact with him or his family.
-My uncle discovered a skunk in the garage one Christmas. The men came up with a genius plan to cover it with a towel so its 'stink' couldn't escape. It failed miserably. All 25 of us spent that Christmas crammed in my grandparents' back room farthest from the garage. We had towels tied over our noses eating crackers while the Christmas meal sat cold on the table because it smelled so bad.
-I could not afford to go home for Xmas living in LA. Went to a bar Xmas eve and picked up this pretty hot guy, he kept telling me he was married and never did this before but wanted to try being with a guy which I thought 'yeah right'. We get going and at some point he decides to shove a finger up my ass and just does... fucking literally rips me a new one. There I am 2000 miles from home on Xmas eve with a douche bag closet case and a badly bleeding asshole... merry fucking Xmas. I get rid of him, drive myself to the emergency room trying to think of what story I am going to say and when I get there I am so tired and over it when they asked what happened I tell them "Some straight guy's first time and he shoved his fat finger up my ass without a hint of lube". The doctor at least was cool about it; he laughed said "I honestly have never heard that one before".
-My dad's work had a Christmas party where everyone brought food, and the next day my whole family was sick. My dad vomited on the tree. Nothing says holidays like tree vomit.
-My brother asked for nothing from my parents but a single pair of socks for 4 years straight. 5th year comes around and pulls a wild "this year I want a MacBook". When my dad replied that it was too expensive my brother quickly shot back "Well I know you have the savings from only buying my socks for all those years. He was 14 then. Fucking schemer.
Sauces can be sampled here, here and here.
ORSM VIDEO
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A DIFFERENT NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS...
Twas the night before Christmas, and geez it was neat,
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, and the phone was off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I am in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post; the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel" he said with a smile"
The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile.
He walked to the kitchen; himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.
A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split".
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch,
Saying "Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"
CHRISTMAS AMATEURS: PART 2 |
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Previously on Orsm: XMAS AMATEURS #8 - XMAS AMATEURS #7 - XMAS AMATEURS #6 - XMAS AMATEURS #5
One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots.
The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?" Billy-Bob replies "Well sheriff, it's a long story!" Sheriff says he isn't in a hurry and that Billy-Bob should tell the story.
Billy-Bob continues "Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a cuddling. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did".
"Inside the barn we started a kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill so we did".
"Up on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and then Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots. Then Mary-Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and said "Okay Billy-Bob, go to town..."
CHRISTMAS AMATEURS: PART 3 |
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Previously on Orsm: XMAS AMATEURS #4 - XMAS AMATEURS #3 - XMAS AMATEURS #2 - XMAS AMATEURS #1
A foursome is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of women are hitting from the ladies' tee.
The ladies are taking their time and, when finally, the last one is ready to hit the ball, she hacks it about 10 feet.
She then goes over to it and hacks it another 10 feet.
She looks up at the men, who are watching, and says apologetically "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this past winter didn't help".
One of the men immediately replies "Now, there's your problem. You should have taken GOLF lessons instead".
| PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW |
We've all experienced deja vu in our lives, that feeling of having already experienced the situation before, but did you know there are many variants of Deja Vu that you may have throughout your life?
DEJA BOO: The feeling that I've been frightened like this before
DEJA COUP: The feeling my government has been overthrown like this before.
DEJA CLUE: The feeling that colonel mustard has done it in the billiard room with the lead pipe before.
DEJA DO: The feeling my hairdresser has given me this cut before.
DEJA EAU: The feeling I've smelled this perfume before.
DEJA FU: The feeling I've been kicked in the head like this before.
DEJA WHO: The feeling I've known who was on first before.
DEJA JEW: The feeling I've wandered in the desert like this before.
DEJA KNEW: The feeling that I remembered this information before (before the test, that was).
DEJA LOO: The feeling I've been to this bathroom before.
DEJA MOO: The feeling I've drank this milk before.
DEJA MU: The feeling I've calculated the mean of this population before.
DEJA NEW: The feeling I haven't experienced this before. (AKA "Vuja De" - Nothing like this HAS EVER happened to me before.)
DEJA OOH: The feeling I've exclaimed at these fireworks before.
DEJA POO: The feeling I've stepped in this before.
DEJA Q: The feeling I've encountered this entity before.
DEJA RUE: The feeling I've regretted this day before.
DEJA STEW: The feeling that this is made from the pot roast my mom served the week before.
DEJA TOO: The feeling that I've experienced this before, also.
DEJA TWO: The feeling that I've experienced this before, twice.
DEJA WOO: The feeling that heather has yelled at someone like this before.
DEJA YOU: The feeling that YOU have experienced this before.
DEJA ZOO: The feeling that the monkey has done this in public before.
DUH-JA-VU: The feeling that the answer was so obvious, that you *surely* should have known it before. DUH!
RANDOM SHITE #2
OLDER SHITE: 14th December - 7th December - 30th November - 23rd November - 16th November - MORE >
The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette". The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.
Little Susie said "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche". The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.
:ittle Johnny stood up and said "I would want silicone". The teacher said "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?" "Because my mum has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"
CHRISTMAS AMATEURS: PART 4 |
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A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain the definition of the word 'definitely' to her class. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.
The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's grey and cloudy".
Another student says "Grass is definitely green". The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either".
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No... but that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion". So the student replies "Then I definitely shit my pants".
ORSM VIDEO: FACIAL EDITION
A guy ends up with an older woman at a bar last. She looked pretty good for a 55-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. They drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a "Sportsman's Double"? "What's that?" the guy asked. "It's a mother and daughter threesome" she said.
As the guy's mind began to embrace the idea, and he wondered what her daughter might look like, he said "No, I haven't". They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink "tonight's your lucky night". They hopped into a taxi and went back to her place.
When they arrived back at her place and they walked into the front door, she turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs "Mum... you still awake?"
Well that's me done for the year. Absolutely huuuuge/monumental thank you to everyone who contributed something. Much appreciate every effort to drop me a line and only wish I were better at responding. Honestly it's not deliberate, there are just a million things going on that push checking mail down the priority list. To combat this I've set a Gmail tab to open every time I open Chrome. Hopefully that will remind me to be more attentive to emails. Otherwise you're probably better off messaging me via the Orsm Facebook page!
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. They're amazing. That is all you need to know.
-Next update will be next Thursday, 4th January 2018! *NO UPDATE ON 28TH DECEMBER*
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will eat everyones Christmas lunch. That's everyone reading Orsm who don't spread the word. All of you. And he'll do it too. How can I be sure of this? Because Ray is fat. Matter of fact Ray is so fat that saying he is larger than life is actually pretty hurtful for him. At his size he isn’t here for the long haul...
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and Merry Christmas. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
