What totally sucks about taking a week off is no matter how much you prepare and work ahead there is ALWAYS the motherload waiting for you upon return. #captainobvious It wasn't even that long away - basically only 4 days and this week has been a nightmare. Really can't help but feel a bit like the couple of weeks I'm G-ingTFO'a here in a November might not be worth it. #humbrag Thankfully then it's the run to Christmas and that'll be a nice break for everyone, including me. #christmas #hashtagsdontworkonorsm #checkit
A woman goes away on vacation and has her brother watch her cat. On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going he tells her that the cat is dead. The woman immediately goes into hysterics, really upset and says "You can't tell a person bad news like that. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be okay. The third day you could have said that she died from complications". The next day the brother calls the woman up and says "I have news". "What?" "Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down..."
--
A man goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him "I have some bad news and some very bad news". The man says he'd like the bad news first and the doctor says "You only have two days to live" "Oh my gosh" the man says "Then what is the very bad news?" "I meant to tell you yesterday"
--
John told his wife "I've got a problem". She stopped him right there. "No dear, we have a problem. We're in this together John. We married for better or for worse. Therefore, your problem is our problem". John sighed in relief. "Well, now it's hardly worth mentioning". But his wife was insistent. "Go ahead John'', tell me. What's wrong?" John replied "Somehow, we got your sister pregnant!"
--
A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000". The idiot says "Okay". The genius then asks "How many continents are there in the world?" The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5. The idiot says "Now it's my turn: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?" The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. The genius says "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?" The idiot hands over $5.
--
Milton came into his wife's room one day. "If I were, say, disfigured, would you still love me?" he asked her. "Darling, I'll always love you" she said calmly, filing her nails. "How about if I became impotent, couldn't make love to you anymore?" he asked anxiously. "Don't worry, darling, I will always love you!" she told him, while buffing her nails. "Well, how about if I lost my job as vice president?" Milton went on. "If I weren't pulling in six figures any more. Would you still love me then?" The woman looked over at her husband's worried face "Milton, I'll always love you" she reassured him. "But most of all, I'll really miss you".
--
There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory. Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer. They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought "This should impress him!" He showed his son a machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages". The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?" The father, furious, thought and said "Yes son, we call it your mother".
--
Starfleet HQ: "Remember, when you land on that planet and meet their leader, don't laugh because he's only 12 inches tall". Captain Picard: "How do you know the leader's height?" Starfleet HQ: "We've been informed that he's a ruler".
--
Maria is a devout Catholic - no birth control for her! She gets married and has seventeen children and then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later and has twenty-two children by her second husband before he dies. She also dies soon after her second husband died. At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens, and says "At last... they're finally together". A man standing next to him says "Excuse me, Father, but are you referring to her and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND husband?" "Neither" the priest says politely. "I mean her LEGS".
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit gay.
--
An 18-year-young woman arrived home very late from a first date with a guy. Her angry mother asked her where the hell she'd been all night. "Mum, I'm an adult now" said the woman "and I think I am in love!" "What do you mean?" queried the concerned mother. "It was your first date!" "Yeah" replied the daughter "but I sucked his dick and then he fucked me in the ass!" "That's not love my daughter!" explained mother "that's lust!" "Then what's love?" asked daughter. Mother replied "When you get fucked in the ass first and then suck his dick, that's love!"
--
Woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid then I was petrified.
--
Two guys were discussing life in general over drinks one night. "My grandfather lived to be 96". "Ninety-six? What finally got him??" "Liquor and women". "Well, that just goes to show ya" snickered the one guy "both will get you in the end". "Well actually, no, it's not what ya think. Towards the end, Grandpa couldn't get either one, so he just laid down and died".
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
KNOW YOUR EMOTION
Ever felt a certain way but not quite known how to describe it? Well thanks to this helpful list that won't be a problem anymore...
PÂRO: The feeling that no matter what you do is always somehow wrong.
ANEMOIA: Nostalgia for a time you've never known.
ELLIPSISM: A sadness that you'll never be able to know how history will turn out.
ALTSCHMERZ: Weariness with the same old issues that you've always had - the same boring flaws and anxieties that you've been gnawing on for years.
HEARTWORM: A relationship or friendship that you can't get out of your head, which you thought had faded long ago but is still somehow alive and unfinished.
FITZCARRALDO: An image that somehow becomes lodged deep in your brain.
MAUERBAUERTRAURIGKEIT: The inexplicable urge to push people away, even close friends who you really like.
ENOUEMENT: The bitter sweetness of having arrived in the future, seeing how things turn out, but not being able to tell your past self.
JOUSKA: A hypothetical conversation that you compulsively play out in your head.
LIBEROSIS: The desire to care less about things.
ANECDOCHE: A conversation in which everyone is talking, but nobody is listening.
DEAD RECKONING: To find yourself bothered by someone's death more than you would have expected.
LACHESISM: The desire to be struck by disaster - to survive a plane crash, or to lose everything in a fire.
NODUS TOLLENS: The realisation that the plot of your life doesn't make sense to you anymore.
HANKER SORE: Finding a person so attractive it actually pisses you off.
VELLICHOR: The strange wistfulness of used bookstores.
GNOSSIENNE: A moment of awareness that someone you've known for years still has a private and mysterious inner life.
OPIA: The ambiguous intensity of looking someone in the eye, which can feel simultaneously invasive and vulnerable.
MONACHOPSIS: The subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place.
MIMEOMIA: The frustration of knowing how easily you fit into a stereotype, even if you never intended to.
FATA ORGANA: A flash of real emotion glimpsed in someone sitting across the room.
SILIENCE: The kind of unnoticed excellence that carries on around you every day, unremarkably.
KAIROSCLEROSIS: The moment you realise that you're currently happy which prompts your intellect to identify it, pick it apart and put it in context.
AMBEDO: A kind of melancholic trance in which you become completely absorbed in vivid sensory details.
ADRONITIS: Frustration with how long it takes to get to know someone.
VEMODALEN: The frustration of photographing something amazing when thousands of identical photos already exist.
EXULANSIS: The tendency to give up trying to talk about an experience because people are unable to relate to it.
RÜCKKEHRUNRUHE: The feeling of returning home after an immersive trip only to find it fading rapidly from your awareness to the extent you have to keep reminding yourself that it happened at all.
CATOPTRIC TRISTESSE: The sadness that you'll never really know what other people think of you, whether good, bad or if at all
RUBATOSIS: The unsettling awareness of your own heartbeat.
MIDSUMMER: A feast celebrated on the day of your 26th birthday, which marks the point at which your youth finally expires as a valid excuse.
KENOPSIA: The eerie, forlorn atmosphere of a place that is usually bustling with people but is now abandoned and quiet.
ONISM: The frustration of being stuck in just one body that inhabits only one place at a time.
RIGOR SAMSA: A kind of psychological exoskeleton that can protect you from pain and contain your anxieties, but always ends up cracking under pressure or hollowed out by time.
NIGHTHAWK: A recurring thought that only seems to strike you late at night.
MAL DE COUCOU: A phenomenon in which you have an active social life but very few close friends
DAGUERREOLOGUE: An imaginary interview with an old photo of yourself.
XENO: The smallest measurable unit of human connection.
AVENOIR: The desire that memory could flow backward.
OCCHIOLISM: The awareness of the smallness of your perspective.
SEMAPHORISM: A conversational hint that you have something personal to say on the subject but don't go any further.
KEYFRAME: A moment that seemed innocuous at the time but ended up marking a diversion into a strange new era of your life.
CHRYSALISM: The amniotic tranquillity of being indoors during a thunderstorm.
KUEBIKO: A state of exhaustion inspired by acts of senseless violence.
VELLICHER: The strange wistfulness of used bookshops.
SONDER: The realisation that each passer-by has a life as vivid and complex as your own.
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well" he said "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack". The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says "You never told me that you were such a religious person".
He then leans over to her and says "You never told me that your father was a pharmacist!"
A duck walks into a convenience store. "Hi" he says "got any duck food?" "No" replies the clerk. "Okay" the duck says, and leaves.
Next day, the same duck walks into the same convenience store. The same clerk is there. "Hi, got any duck food?" asks the duck. "I told you yesterday, no!" the clerk says. "Okay" says the duck, and leaves.
This continues for a couple of days until finally the clerk can't take any more.
"Look" he snaps "we didn't have any duck food yesterday, we don't have any today, and we won't have any tomorrow! And if you come in here and ask me for duck food one more time, I'm going to nail your bill to the floor!" Then he kicks the duck out of the store.
A few weeks later, the duck comes back. "Hi" he says "got any nails?" The clerk is taken aback. "No" he replies. "Great!" says the duck "Got any duck food?"
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When you occasionally have a really bad day and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. It all started one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it.
A man answered, saying "Hello". I politely said "This is Rod. May I please speak with Sally?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Sally's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an arsehole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'arsehole' next to it and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell "YOU'RE AN ARSEHOLE!" It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'arsehole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're interested in the Caller ID service?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said "That's because you're an ARSEHOLE!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me and then stuck his middle finger out the window and waved it around. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first arsehole, (by this point I had is number saved in my favourites), I thought I had better call the BMW arsehole, too.
I said "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is". "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 71 Burswood Road. It's a modern white house and the car's parked right out in front". "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don" he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after 5". "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don... YOU'RE AN ARSEHOLE!" Then I hung up and added his number to my favourites list, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call.
But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So I came up with an idea. First I called Arsehole #1. "Hello". "You're an ARSEHOLE!" But I didn't hang up. "Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah" I said. "Stop calling me!" he screamed. "Make me!" I said. "Who are you?" he asked. "My name is Don". "Yeah? Where do you live, DON?" "Arsehole, I live at 71 Burswood Road, a white house and to make easy for you, my black BMW is parked out front!"
He said "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers". I said "Yeah, like I'm really scared, ARSEHOLE. Bring your lunch!!"
Then I called Arsehole #2. "Hello?" he said. "Hello, arsehole" I said. He yelled "If I ever find out who you are!" "You'll WHAT?" I said. "I'LL KICK YOUR ASS!" he exclaimed. I answered "Well, arsehole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now!"
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 71 Burswood Road and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down on Burswood Road. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Burswood Road. There I saw two arseholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, a police helicopter and a news crew...
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs.
She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a second opinion.
The second doctor gave her the same answer.
So she went to a third doctor and said "Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin!"
The doctor checks her out and says "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you don't have crabs... the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies!"
Two friends were arguing in a bar one day. Harvey, the first guy, was bragging how he knew everybody. He knew everyone, and everyone knew him. There wasn't a person that he hadn't met.
Bob, even though he was his good friend, didn't believe him. "Harvey, you can't know everyone". He said. "I bet you don't know the Mayor". Harvey said "Sure I do". He pulled out his cell phone and dialled a number. After a moment he said "Hi, this is Harvey. Could you tell my friend Bob here who you are?"
He hands the phone to Bob. The voice on the phone was unmistakably the Mayor, who said to Bob "How's my old friend Harvey treating you?" Bob was taken aback. He talked to the Mayor for a few moments before he handed the phone back.
"OK, you win that one. But I bet you don't know the President!" he challenged. Harvey smiled and dragged his friend out to the car. "We're going to DC!" he said.
A few hours later, they pull up to the White House. The security guys immediately recognised Harvey and let him through. Just then, the President came out of the front door walking his dog. Harvey leaned out the window and waved. Then, to Bob's chagrin, the President walked right over to the car and talked with Harvey for a good fifteen minutes.
Bob was starting to get a little perturbed. He figured that maybe Harvey only knew people in the US. So he said "I bet that you don't know the Pope...."
Harvey just grinned and drove to the airport. The next day, they were standing outside the Pope's residence. Harvey didn't think that he'd be able to get Bob in, since the security was so tight. But Bob agreed that if he saw the Pope and Harvey together in the Pope's window, then he would admit that Harvey knew everyone.
A short while later, Harvey walked out onto the balcony, arm in arm with the Pope. The Pope waved to the screaming crowds in the street. Harvey looked down into the crowd, trying to find Bob. To his shock he saw his friend collapsed in an unconscious heap on the ground. He quickly rushed down to see what had happened to his friend.
"Bob, Bob!" Harvey shook his friend. "Are you okay?? What happened?"
"Yeah. I'm okay". he replied. "But that was quite a shock..."
"What? When you saw me up there with the Pope?" Harvey asked.
"No "said Bob. "When the guy next to me in the crowd said "Hey, who's that guy up there with Harvey?"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.
After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim and Scott "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way".
At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing.
At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first" he said. "I left the room key in the car!"
CHANGING ROOM SELFIES BECAUSE "DOES MY BUM LOOK BIG IN THIS?"
Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming "Maggie, cud ya be sewin' on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I canna button me pants". "Oh Angus ... I've got me hands in the dishpan. Go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin' ya with it".
About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs.
Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus.
The little lady looks at him and says "Me God, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?" "Aye" says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did. Everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite of the wee thread, Mr. MacDonald walked in".
A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show.
The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says "I have had a lovely time.
You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful climbing rose. May I call on you tomorrow?" She agrees and a date is made.
The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face.
He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asked. She said "I looked up "beautiful climbing rose" on Google last night and it said...
"Best suited for rooting against a brick wall or fence, no good in an open bed".
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Septbembeererr marks 17 years of Orsm. I don't know how many updates that is but they're all there!
-Next update will be next Thursday. Also known as Thursdayyyyy.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will put you down King Kong Bundy style. How do I know this? Put it this way Ray is so fat that its challenging for him to reach his butthole and wipe after taking a shit.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and swallow, swallow it all. Good boy. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2017.09.21-13.41
Welcome to the fundamental question: will I be as effective as a boss like my dad was? And I will be, even more so? But until I am, it's going to be hard to verify that I think I'll be more effective.
Enjoy this biggest of the year, server destroying, I'm taking a couple of days off, update. Check it...
The judge turns to the woman and says "I see you're divorcing your husband on the grounds he's an uncouth slob." "Can you give me an example of this?" "Yes, your Honour" replies the wife. "Whenever we go out, he always drinks tea with his pinkie sticking out". "There's nothing wrong with that madam. In fact, it's considered good manners in some circles to drink tea with the little finger sticking out" says the judge. "But your Honour" replies the woman "I wasn't talking about his finger".
--
A shy, drunken, innocent young man walked up to a beautiful young woman in a pub and said: "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" "Yes I do" replied the beautiful young woman "But go ahead, as I'm sure you're going to ask me anyway". "Okay" said the shy, drunken, innocent young man "How many men have you slept with?" "That's my business" snapped the woman. "Oh, right!" said the bloke "I didn't realise you made a living out of it!
--
A group of expectant fathers sat nervously in the hall. A nurse beckoned to one of them and said "Congratulations - you have a son!" Another man dropped his magazine, jumped up, and cried "Hey, what's the idea? I got here two hours before he did!"
--
I was in a pub recently and I told that joke about what to do when an epileptic has a fit in a bath - throw the washing in. Well, everyone pretty much cracked up, except this one guy, who said his brother was an epileptic and died in a bathtub. Feeling pretty bad about the joke I just told, I said "Geez, I'm so sorry mate, how did he die?" To which the guy answered "He choked to death on a sock".
--
I was in a pub last night and there was this fat bird dancing on one of the tables. "Nice legs!" I said, to which she replied with a shy smile "Really? Thank you so much!" To which I said "Yeah, any other table's legs would have snapped or collapsed by now".
--
The teacher noticed that Johnny had been daydreaming for a long time. She decided to get his attention. "Johnny" she said "If the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are sixty cents a dozen, how old am I?" "Thirty-four" Johnny answered unhesitatingly. The teacher replied "Well, that's not far from my actual age. Tell me... how did you guess?" Oh, there's nothing to it" Johnny said. "My big sister is seventeen and she's only half-crazy".
--
I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman. When he came to his question "Disregarding anything about cases you may be asked to represent the people on a jury, how many of you here today dislike lawyers?" Before the pregnant pause became too long, the judge announced "I do".
--
Occasionally at the restaurant where I work there are extra desserts, and the staff are given some to take home. Once I brought home two pieces of cheesecake for my son and daughter. Katie had a piece that evening. The next day her older brother found her watching TV and eating more cheesecake. "Are you eating my cheesecake?" he demanded. "Oh, no" she replied sweetly "I ate yours yesterday".
--
Chris and Frank were having a beer at the neighbourhood bar. "What's the matter?" asked Chris of his pal. "My girlfriend just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin" said Frank. "Why's that?" asked Chris. Frank took a deep breath and said "Because it's brief, unexpected, and usually a disaster".
"It's about time I told you an important thing" I said to my 15 year old son. "What is it dad?" he asked. "You were adopted" I murmured. "That's impossible!" he exclaimed "We look the same". "Well" I replied "That's because we are fucking Chinese".
--
What is the difference between Russia and reality? Trump has connections with Russia.
--
Mum walked into the bathroom one day and found young Johnny furiously scrubbing his dick with a toothbrush and toothpaste. "What the hell do you think you're doing, young man?!" she exclaimed. "Don't try to stop me!" Johnny warned. "I'm gonna do this three times a day, because there's no way I'm gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my sister's".
--
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well, not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing really.
--
"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common" said the new tenant's neighbour. "Why on earth did you get married?" "I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract'" was the reply. "He wasn't pregnant and I was".
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
ORIGINS
I was going to Google through this list to verify accuracy but you know what? Its more interesting this way... plus I'm not going to be the first person to blissfully believe something that aint true. This list is at least plausible. Feel free to bombard my email telling me otherwise!
-Early aircraft's throttles had a ball on the end of it, in order to go full throttle the pilot had to push the throttle all the way forward into the wall of the instrument panel. Hence "balls to the wall" for going very fast. And now you know the rest of the story.
-"Mad as a hatter", meaning to be completely crazy, dates back to the 17th and 18th centuries. In 17th century France, poisoning occurred among hat makers who used mercury for the hat felt. The "Mad Hatter Disease" was marked by shyness, irritability, and tremors that would make the person appear "mad."
-In medieval England, it was customary to give a guest a cold piece of meat from the shoulder of mutton, pork, or beef chop when the host felt it was time for the guest to leave. "Giving the cold shoulder" was a polite way to communicate, "You may leave, now."
-During WWII, U.S. airplanes were armed with belts of bullets which they would shoot during dogfights and on strafing runs. These belts were folded into the wing compartments that fed their machine guns. These belts measure 27 feet and contained hundreds of rounds of bullets. Often times, the pilots would return from their missions having expended all of their bullets on various targets. They would say "I gave them the whole nine yards" meaning they used up all of their ammunition.
-In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are more difficult to paint therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg".
-"Barking up the wrong tree" means to have misguided thoughts about an event or situation. This apparently came from hunters when their dogs chased prey up a tree. The dogs bark, assuming that the prey is still in the tree, when the prey is no longer there.
-During colonial times, early Americans would ask their servants to rub their oak floorboards "the right way". The wrong way (not wiping them with dry fabric after wet fabric) would cause streaks to form and ruin them, leaving the homeowner annoyed. If you'd "rubbed them the wrong way" you'd rubbed them the wrong way!
-As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October). Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term "big wig". Today we often use the term "here comes the Big Wig" because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.
-In the late 1700"s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The "head of the household" always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the "chair man". Today in business, we use the expression or title "Chairman" or "Chairman of the Board".
-Being "caught red-handed" dates back an old English law that ordered any person to be punished for butchering an animal that wasn’t his own. The only way the person could be convicted is if he was caught with the animal’s blood still on his hands.
-Back when road transportation was not developed, ships would be the only transportation and means of trade. At times, the ships would get stuck during the winter because of ice formation. The receiving country would send small ships to "break the ice" and clear a path for trade ships. This gesture showed affiliation and understanding between two territories.
-Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told "Mind your own bee's wax". Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term "crack a smile". In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt. Therefore, the expression "losing face".
-Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman, as in "straight laced" wore a tightly tied lace.
-It was a customary religious act in ancient India - the devout would throw butter balls at the statues of their gods to seek favour and forgiveness. Thus to "butter someone up" was born.
-The British Naval hero, Admiral Horatio Nelson, had one blind eye. Once when the British forces signalled for him to stop attacking a fleet of Danish ships, he held up a telescope to his blind eye and said, "I do not see the signal." He attacked, nevertheless, and was victorious. He had "Turned a blind eye".
-Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the "Ace of Spades". To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't "playing with a full deck".
-Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV"s or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to "go sip some Ale and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. "You go sip here" and "You go sip there". The two words "go sip" were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term "gossip".
-At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in "pints" and who was drinking in "quarts" hence the phrase "minding your P"s and Q's".
-In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem... how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations. However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys". Few landlubbers realise that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey thus, it was quite literally "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey".
-"You're quiet - cat got your tongue?" The English Navy used to use a whip called "Cat-o-nine-tails" for flogging. The pain was so severe that it caused the victim to stay quiet for a long time. Another possible source could be from ancient Egypt, where liars’ and blasphemers’ tongues were cut out and fed to the cats.
-Back in early times North America when the Puritans were in conflict with the Native Americans. When negotiating peace, the Native Americans would bury all their hatchets, knives, clubs, and tomahawks. Weapons were buried and made inaccessible. They would literally "bury the hatchet".
Ron, an elderly man in Florida owned a large farm for several years He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him "We're not coming out until you leave!" Ron frowned "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked".
Holding the bucket up Ron said, I'm here to feed the alligator".
Have you ever wondered what the difference is between grandmothers and grandfathers? Well, here it is...
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time, pancakes, ice cream, candy - just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed. Luckily, grandma wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked. "Not really, papa, it was boring. We didn't see a single arsehole, dole-bludging piece of shit, horse's arse, tree hugging socialist left wing green prick, blind bastard, dipshit, rag-headed Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"
IT'S NOT CREEPY THAT I LIKE WATCHING YOU SLEEP... IS IT?
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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night.
He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say "We can't tell you. You're not a monk". Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply "We can't tell you. You're not a monk".
The man says "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk".
The monks reply "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk".
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a grey-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self-deception".
The monks reply "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound".
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says "The sound is beyond that door".
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say "This is the last key to the last door".
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Why the long face?" The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death".
The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself". The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?" The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy". The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.
A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously. "Nope! I just fucked your wife. Whiskey please!"
36 CHICKS SHARING IN UNINTENDED AND WONDERFUL WAYS
Two male friends were out hiking one day. One of the friends step behind a tree to take a piss.
As his penis was hanging out, a rattlesnake jumped out of the bushes and bit it.
He fell out near his friend, moaning and holding his penis, crying "A rattlesnake just bit my penis. Quick, call a hospital on your cell phone and find out what to do".
When his friend got a hold of a doctor he was told, he would have to suck out the poison. He went over to his fiend and his friend said "What did the doctor say?"
He looked at his friend's penis then back at his friend and said "He says you're going to die!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt". And you know what? He's right.
His birthday is coming, so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlour and get the words "Beautiful Butt" tattooed on her ass. She walks in and tells the tattoo artist that her husband thinks she has a beautiful butt. He looks and says "You do have a beautiful butt".
She tells him she wants "Beautiful Butt" tattooed on her ass.
The artist says "I can't fit that on your ass, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I will tattoo the letters BB, one on each cheek, and that can stand for Beautiful Butt". She agrees and gets it done.
On the man's birthday she is waiting for him when he comes home from work, wearing only a robe. She stands at the top of the stairs and when he opens the door she says "Look, honey!" She takes off the robe, bends over, and the man yells "WHO THE FUCK IS BOB?"
A Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.
The Taliban terrorist asked "Do you have water?
The Jewish man replied "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5".
The Taliban shouted hysterically "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment - I spit on your ties. I need water!
"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5".
"Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!"
Okay" said the little old Jewish man, it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need... Go In Peace!
Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead and gasped "They won't let me in without a tie!"
A southern gentleman went to Las Vegas. Sitting in a cocktail lounge, and sipping on some bourbon, he beckoned the waitress and said quietly "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady. Can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of aass?" "Wow, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.
Then she looked around the room, smiled and said "Sure, why not? You're an attractive guy, and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to your room?"
When they returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress smiled at him and asked "Will there be anything else?" "Why yes" replied the southerner. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me. It was real sweet and right neighbourly of ya. But where ah come from down in Luzianna, we lahk our bourbon real cold, so ah still need a piece of aass for mah drink".
DOES NUDITY CANCEL OUT A RESTING BITCH FACE? CHECK THIS GALLERY TO DECIDE FOR YOURSELF...
"Doc" says Steve "I want to be castrated". "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement. "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!" "I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind - either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor!"
"Well alright then" says the doctor "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there" says Steve "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me". "Well" said the patient "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised".
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed "Shit! THAT'S the word!
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.
On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The brunette thinks "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert".
The blonde thinks "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast".
The Frenchman thinks "I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake".
The Englishman thinks "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French cunt again".
One day at the bank, Hillary Clinton walked in to a bank. She went up to the teller and said. "I'd like to cash this cheque". The cashier said "Do you have any ID?" "No, I don't, but ask anybody here and they'll tell you that is who I am. Don't you recognise me?"
"I'm sorry, ma'am we do have strict rules that require an ID... can you do something to prove you are Hillary without an ID?"
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"Well, the other day, Tiger Woods came in without an ID. He took one swing with a golf club. It is all he needed". "Hmmm... nope can't do something like that".
"Another time, Dale Earnheart Jr. came in, without an ID. He drove my car so fast he broke the record, and I cashed his check. So, what can you do to prove yourself without an idea?" Hillary thought and thought... finally she said... "I don't know, I'm clueless. I can't think of a thing".
The cashier replied. "Will you want that cheque cashed in hundreds, Hillary?"
Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex.
"You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems" Linda told her friend. "That's amazing!" Mary replied "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist" said Linda. "Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!" responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"
Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again.
"So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?" Mary asked. "Things couldn't be better!" Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"
With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist.
After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you" he said. "But doctor" Mary complained "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?" "Well, OK" the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios".
And I'm done folks. That's the Orsm 17th birthday update done and dusted. If you loved it, hated it or didn't bother then drop me a line and say so. Email here or one of the Orsm socials.
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Worth it.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Will I tell you again?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will eat YOUR young. His appetitie is insatiable too but it hasn't done him any favours. To put that into perspective its important to know Ray is so fat that the police use him as a barrier for ISIS truck attacks at concerts.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't do what I say. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2017.09.14-17.55
Welcome to now go home and get your fuckin' shinebox!
Two women from the Australian Christian Lobby knocked on our door yesterday. They were going house to house distributing propaganda - a pamphlet listing the ways that legalising gay marriage will change the classroom. The GF is the one who actually answered the door, fobbed them off and came told me about it. I raced out there to shoo them away from the neighbour's houses, telling them that no one in our street was home, everyone is voting yes and to stop spreading hate. Possibly overstepped the mark because no idea how my neighbours feel on the issue but too bad. Annnnyway these bible bashing hags looked at me like I was insane. Just couldn't wrap their heads around why someone would not want them on their doorstep to listen to hear their spiel.
And that's the thing.
It's none of theirs or mine or anyone else's business who someone chooses to marry. It should be that simple. Live and let live. Don't tell people what to do with their lives, just worry about your own shit and get on with your own. And that's why I'm a yes vote.
Alright let's get rolling with the update. Had good fun putting this mofo together. There are so many awesome new vids, 76 to be exact, so many brilliant new galleries and jokes and Shite and god knows what else that you will be busy for hours getting through it all. Sucks to be you huh? Check it...
A man rushed into a bar and ordered a double martini. The man downed it with one swallow, put a five-dollar bill on the bar, and turned and rushed out of the bar. The bartender picked up the five-dollar bill, folded it carefully, and tucked it in his vest pocket. Just at that moment he looked up at the boss standing in the doorway staring at him. Doing a bit of fast thinking, he said "Hi boss, did you see that fellow just now? Came in here, bought a double martini, gave me a five-dollar tip, and rushed out without paying".
--
A guy was speeding down the road and got pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper said "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?" The driver looked at the trooper and said "Do you see the woman sitting in the passenger seat?" The trooper said. "Yes". "That's my wife" the driver said to the trooper. "Do you see the woman sitting in the back seat?" The trooper said "Yes". "That's my mother in law. She lives with us. They just had a big spat and she said she was moving out. I'm trying to get them home before they make up!!" The trooper wrote him a warning and then gave him an escort home with lights flashing.
--
A scruffy young man was questioned by one of New York's finest for peddling dirty pictures. "But you're mistaken" said the kid. "These pictures aren't dirty". Selecting one, the policeman said "Do you mean to tell me this isn't a dirty picture?" The young man responded "Don't be such a prude, officer! Haven't you ever seen five people in love?"
--
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?" The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models". The old lady then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk... aaand rrunns by bbaatteries? The clerk responds "Yes we do". She asks: "Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offffff?"
--
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
--
A pirate walks into a bar. Oddly enough, he has a ship's wheel sticking out of the front of his pants. He waddles uncomfortably up to the bar and orders a beer. Everyone is staring at him. The bartender serves him his beer, and inquires "Excuse me sir, I can't help but ask. I notice you have a ship's steering wheel stuck in your pants. Isn't that kind of uncomfortable?" The pirate replies: "Arrrh! It's drivin' me nuts!"
--
There were three guys talking at break time. Two of them were talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remained quiet. After a while one of the first two turned to the third and says "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow said "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees".
The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked. The third man took a healthy swallow of his cup of coffee, sighed and said "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'"
My wife's just been checking to see if she has everything ready for her first solo parachute jump tomorrow. I said "Have you got a spare pair of knickers with you?" "What, in case I shit myself?" She replied with a laugh. "No". I said "In case your main chute doesn't open".
--
I was at the doctors the other day, and he said "I've good news and bad news". Me "What's the good news?" Doctor "The good news is they are naming a syndrome after you".
--
A politician is walking down the street when he is suddenly attacked. The assailant says "Give me all your money". The politician says "Do you know who I am? I'm an important government official". The mugger says "Fine, give me all my money".
--
Teacher: Billy, give me a sentence starting with "I". Billy: "I is..." Teacher: "No, Billy. Always say 'I am'" Billy: "All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet'".
--
My favourite sex position is the JFK... I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.
--
In Texas, for the second time in a month, a man was arrested for publicly masturbating. Not surprisingly, the man doesn't want a lawyer because he claims he can get himself off".
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her "Hey lady, you are really ugly". Well, the lady is furious!
She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her "Hey lady, you are really ugly". She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her "Hey lady, you are really ugly".
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and warned she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her "Hey lady".
She paused and said "Yes?" The bird said "You know".
36 SEXY SNAPCHATS THAT A BRO SOMEWHERE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO SHARE...
A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lilies.
Tut-tut!" said the passer-by to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help".
So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked "What are you doing, my friend?" "Fishin', sir". "Fishin', eh? Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"
The old man stood up, put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.
His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"
The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied "You're the sixth today!"
Gina walks into a bar and orders two shots. She downs the first one..."This is for the shame" and then the second one "This is for the glory".
She then orders two more shots. She drinks the first one. "This is for the shame" and then the second one "This is for the glory".
She is about to order two more shots when the bartender stops her. "Ma'am, I was just wondering... what's this about shame and glory?"
Well" she replies "I like to do my housework naked. But when I bent over to pick something up, my Great Dane mounted me from behind".
"That must be the shame" the bartender said. "No, that was the glory. The shame is when we got knotted together and he dragged me around the front yard for forty minutes".
MAYBE YOU'RE NOT REALLY A LEG GUY BUT THAT'S ALL ABOUT TO CHANGE...
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-I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice.
-Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? My sense of decency.
-I consider 'on trend' to be the clothes that still fit.
-Pulling n 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
-Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
-I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.
-The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
-My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance for idiots that needs work.
-When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
-The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it".
-Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
-Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
-These days "on time" is when I get there.
-I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
-'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.
-Even duct tape can't fix stupid. but it sure does muffle the sound.
-You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
-Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
-One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young.
-You're more likely to get cautioned by the doctor instead of by the police.
-Lately, I've noticed people my age are so much older than me.
-One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
-'Getting lucky' means walking into a room and remembering why I'm there.
-I've travelled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.
-When I was a child, I thought nap time was punishment. Now it feels like a mini vacation.
-Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me - I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
- Some days I have no idea what I'm doing out of bed.
-I thought growing old would take longer.
-Aging sure has slowed me down, but it hasn't shut me up.
-I still haven't learned to act my age.
-You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.
-I have days when my life is just a tent away from a circus.
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A blonde went into a worldwide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed "I don't have that kind of money!! But I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!"
The man arched an eyebrow. "Anything?" "Yes, anything!" the blonde promised.
With that, the man told her to follow him. He walked into the next room and ordered "Come in and close the door".
She did.
He then said "Get on your knees".
She did.
Then he said "Take down my zipper".
She did.
He said "Go ahead... take it out".
She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands. The man closed his eyes and whispered "Well... go ahead!" The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding it close to her lips she said loudly "HELLO? MUM? Can you hear me??"
Two rednecks were looking at a mail order catalogue and admiring the models.
One says to the other "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?" The second one replies "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"
The first one says, with wide eyes "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one". The second one smiles and pats him on the back. "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalogue, I will get one, too".
Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from that catalogue?" The second redneck replies "Naw, but it shouldn't be long now. They sent all her clothes yesterday".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.
The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.
Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic!"
BODY PAINT... INSTEAD OF CLOTHES... NOW THAT'S A GOOD IDEA...
A wife was sitting peacefully in her cosy armchair sewing her husband's socks.
Her husband came in to the room and glanced at what she was doing, and started badgering "HONEY be more careful! PLEASE WATCH WHAT YOU ARE DOING! You don't want to poke YOUR finger! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU! Don't look up when YOUR'E SEWING! There you go now slow and steady, nice even stitches.
The wife puts down the needle and thread, looks up at her husband, and says "What the hell is wrong with you? Do you know how many times I've sewn socks before?!"
"EXACTLY THE POINT I WAS TRYING TO GET AT" hollered the husband "DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I'VE DRIVEN A CAR BEFORE!?"
NOT JUST A PRETTY FACE [HINT: SHE HAS A PRETTY VAGINA AND BOOBS TOO]
Well... I thoroughly enjoyed puttng this update together.
In other news, next weeks update is already massive. Like way, way bigger than this one. I know this because I'm taking a few days off and have been working on it for ages. Long story short - don't bloody miss it!
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Officially 17 years of updates preserved for your viewing [read: masturbational] pleasure.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Can I tell you again?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will sit on your favourite chair and break it. Why? Because Ray's a mean cunt. Also Ray is so fat that his kidney stones are the size of baseballs.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and LMD. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2017.09.07-19.41
Welcome to I DO WHAT I WANT (if that's okay with you, honey?)
I'm not even going to make out like I had a chance of writing a blog up the top here today. Shit started working against me first thing Monday morning... and that's after spending most of the weekend in front of the computer. Still, worse things could be worse. At least I'm not black......................... JOKING! Settle down.
Goin'ta post this fat stack of jokes instead and hope that it keeps you dudes happy... and of course it will because the alternative could have been no update at all! Check it...
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" "Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked. "That's the one!" "That's great!" the manager cried "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?" "Oh" the clerk replied "after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me..."
--
A pastor got up one Sunday to preach and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program". The pastor continued "The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets".
--
A man came to the emergency room with a series of long, jagged tear marks on his cheek and neck, as though he had been clawed by some large animal. "What happened to you?" asked the doctor who was examining him. "Chain saw accident" the man replied. "Well, you're lucky" the doctor said; "I've seen worse". "It wasn't turned on" the man replied.
--
A woman converting to Islam is like a black person converting to slavery.
--
While working as an airline customer service agent, I got a call from a woman who wanted to know if she could take her dog on board. I told her the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a $50 charge and provided her own kennel. I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over. "I'll never be able to teach him all that by tomorrow!" she said, and hung up.
--
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
--
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice "Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled. "I can't dear" she said. "I have to sleep in daddy's room". The little boy replied with a shaking voice "The big sissy".
--
Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night". The priest says "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says "That he did, Father". The priest says "What did he ask, Mary?" She says "He said 'Please Mary, put down the gun.'"
--
The sweet young gal took her seat on opening day of her college class. The young man behind her tapped her on the shoulder and said "What are you doing, wearing a football jersey?" The blonde replied "Why, I bought it and own it, why shouldn't I wear it?" He said "You're not supposed to wear it unless you've made the team". "Oh" she replied sweetly "Whom did I miss?"
--
I walked into a bookshop and said to the girl behind the counter "I'm looking for a book by Shakespeare". "Which one?" She replied. "William, you thick cunt".
--
My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia. Unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?" I told him "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well... ya know". The guy on the help line replies "Ah, bummer mate!" I say "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You've saved my honeymoon!"
A Mosquito landed on my wife's face... easiest decision of my life...
--
A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits. The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employee's pay. She said "My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five year's salary for life insurance and a month's sick leave AND they paid the full premiums". "I can't help but ask why you would leave a job with such benefits" the interviewer replied. The woman shrugs her shoulders and said "The company went bankrupt".
--
A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl - that means no sex before marriage. But he doesn't care, he loves her. After a year or two of dating he decides it's time to propose. So he heads to her father's house to ask his permission. "Hello, sir, I'm here to ask for your daughter's hand" A bit sceptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks "And why is that?" The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh... "Well, it's just that mine have gotten tired".
--
The wife and I were standing in the kitchen when our young son was struggling to get the lid off of a tub of yogurt. "For fuck's sake!" he exclaimed as he eventually wrestled it open. The wife turned to me and said "Mmmm... wonder where he gets THAT from..." To which I replied "Out of the fucking fridge you stupid bitch, where the fuck else would he have got it from?"
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
This gay guy named Nigel is totally in love with his doctor. Much to the doctor's chagrin he makes an appointment at least three times a week with imagined illnesses and the doctor sends him away telling him not to come back unless he's really sick.
So one day Nigel goes to the doctor and when the doctor sees him he says "Oh God no, what is it this time Nigel?"
Nigel replies in a very mincing tone "I seem to have gotten something stuck up my back door!"
Doctor: "Oh Jesus, why me? Alright pull down your pants and bend over".
Nigel obliges and the doctor has a look "Oh shit, there's definitely something up there, it looks like a stick... a stick with thorns on it... there's more than one, oh this is disgust... there's heaps of them!"
The doctor grabs some forceps and finally gets hold of everything stuck in there and, shocked, pulls a dozen roses out of Nigel's arsehole.
Nigel, still bending over, looks back at the doctor and squeals "Go on, read the card, READ THE CARD!"
Quasimodo is retiring from Notre Dame Cathedral and is auditioning bell-ringers. He runs an ad in the French Gazette. A guy from a nearby village applies. Quasi explains to the applicant that to ring the bell, he must grab the rope as high up as possible, pull it down to the floor and then let go.
"Go ahead, try it!" he says.
The guy grabs the rope and pulls it down to the floor, but fails to let go and the rope yanks him up and he bangs his head on the bell on his way up, knocking him unconscious. He falls out of the window to the street below, and to his death.
A crowd gathers below and Quasi runs down to where the dead applicant is lying dead in the street. A passer-by asks "Hey Quasimodo, you know this fellow?" "No" says Quasimodo "but his face rings a bell".
About a month later, the brother of the dead applicant comes to the Cathedral to apply for the same job. Again, Quasimodo explains how to ring the bell. "Try it!" he says.
And again the applicant grabs the rope but forgets to let go, banging his own head on the bell and falling to his death on the street below.
Again, Quasi races down to the street and another pedestrian asks "Yo, Quasimodo, you know this guy?" "Nope, but he's a dead ringer for his brother".
A drunk comes into a pub and announces he has no money left. To overcome this he challenges everyone there that he can drink two pints of snot for a real pint of bitter.
The publican passes two pint mugs around the pub, each customer puts a finger on one side of his nose and blows the other nostril into the mug.
The mugs are now full to the brim, so the publican passes them to the drunk.
e picks up the first one and downs it in a little under 12 seconds, very impressive.
The other patrons start to feel a little queasy.
The drunk picks up the second pint and starts to drink the snot.
After two thirds have gone down the hatch the drunk stops and contemplates the mug.
"Knew you couldn't do it" said the publican...
"Gimme a chance" says the drunk "I'm just chewing the lumpy bits!"
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A guy goes out for a drive in the country and goes up a hill, down a hill, up a hill, down a hill, up a hill, down a hill, up a hill, down a hill, up a hill, down a hill, and runs out of gas. He walks to a nearby farmhouse where he asks for some gas, and the farmer gives him some but insists he stay the night because it's too late to walk back to his car. The man agrees and spends the night.
In the morning he's about to leave when the farmer offers him some Cheerio's for breakfast. The man accepts, eats his Cheerio's, and leaves.
The next day another guy goes out for a drive in the country and goes up a hill, down a hill, up a hill, down a hill, up a hill, down a hill, up a hill, down a hill, up a hill, down a hill, and runs out of gas. He walks to a nearby farmhouse where he asks for some gas, and the farmer gives him some but insists he stay the night because it's too late to walk back to his car. The man agrees and spends the night.
In the morning he's about to leave when the farmer offers him some Cheerio's for breakfast. The man accepts, eats his Cheerio's, and leaves.
The next day yet another guy goes out for a drive in the country and goes up a hill, down a hill, up a hill, down a hill, up a hill, down a hill, up a hill, down a hill, up a hill, down a hill, and runs out of gas. He walks to a nearby farmhouse where he asks for some gas, and the farmer gives him some but insists he stay the night because it's too late to walk back to his car. The man agrees and spends the night.
In the morning he's about to leave when the farmer offers him some Cheerio's for breakfast. The man accepts, eats his Cheerio's, and leaves.
The next day a guy goes out for a drive in the country and goes up a hill, down a hill, up a hill, down a hill, up a hill, down a hill, up a hill, down a hill, up a hill, down a hill, and runs out of gas. He walks to a nearby farmhouse where he asks for some gas, and the farmer gives him some but insists he stay the night because it's too late to walk back to his car. The man agrees and spends the night.
In the morning he's about to leave when the farmer offers him some Cheerio's for breakfast. The man refuses, and leaves.
Moral of the story? 3 out of 4 guys like Cheerio's.
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
IS FISHING BETTER THAN SEX?
-No matter how much beer you've had, you can still fish. -A limp rod is still useful while fishing.
-You don't have to hide your fishing magazines. -It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to fish with you once in a while.
-The Ten Commandments don't say anything against fishing. -If your partner takes pictures or videos of you fishing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet. Revenge Prawn isn't a thing!
-Your fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you fished with long ago. -It's perfectly respectable to fish with a total stranger.
-When you see a really good fishing person, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you fishing together. -If your regular fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you fish with someone else.
-You will not go blind if you fish by yourself. -When hiring fishing pros, you never have to wonder if they are really undercover cops.
-You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighbourhood to buy fishing stuff. -You can have a fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell fishing jokes, and invite co-workers to fish with you without getting sued for "fishing harassment".
-There are no fishing-transmitted diseases. -If you want to watch fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.
-Nobody expects you to fish with the same partner for the rest of your life. -Nobody expects you to give up fishing if your partner loses interest in it.
-You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favourite activity. -Your fishing partner will never say "Not again? We just fished last week! Is fishing all you ever think about?!"
A seventy-eight year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers "I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman".
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between the sobs and sniffles, he answers "You can't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favourite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and we have more sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love".
He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have a perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"
The old man answers, again through his tears "I forgot where I live".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters "I don't like Chinese..." "No rike Chinese?" asks the co-pilot "why not?" "You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"
"No, no" the co-pilot protests "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese". "Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!"
There's a few minutes of silence. "I no rike Jews!" the co-pilot suddenly announces. "Oh yeah, why not?" asks the captain. "Jews sink Titanic!" says the co-pilot. "What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain "It was an iceberg!" "Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg... all fuckin same".
36 GIRLS WHOSE AMPLE BREASTS CANNOT AND WILL NOT BE CONTAINED!
In California unleaded gas went to $4.00 a gallon last Thursday.
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. Fortunately, an Exxon station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.
The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait, and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas, and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptist ladies watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic".
VINTAGE NUDISTS BECAUSE WE LOVE NUDITY FROM EVERY ERA
A man was drinking in a bar. Next to him was a beautiful German Shepherd. He noticed a woman was admiring the dog and the man said "He is a lovely dog but I'm still training him".
"Oh!" she said "What sort of things are you training him to do?" "Well right now I'm training him to make love to a beautiful woman" he said.
The woman blushed and said "You're kidding me!" "It's true!" The man replied "I can prove it to you if you come outside". So she did.
Outside the man looked at the dog and said "Go on then, get on with it!"
The dog sat there and looked at him. The man tried for several minutes to coax the dog into making love to the woman to no avail, while the woman was doing her best to look seductive.
Finally the man said "Okay Rover" as he unzipped his fly "but this is the very last time I'm going to show you!"
A car was pulled over by a policeman. The driver hesitantly halts. The policeman told the driver that because he had been wearing his seatbelt, he had just won $2,000 dollars in the state-wide safety competition.
The policeman asks "Are you happy? What are you going to do with the money?" "Well yes, I will get some driving lessons and get a driver's license" the driver answered.
The woman in the passenger seat yelled "Oh, don't listen to him. He's a real jerk when he's drunk".
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned "I knew we wouldn't get too far in a stolen car".
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish "Are we over the border yet?"
A guy goes into a public washroom and has to use the only available urinal, between two elderly men. He glances to his left and sees the guy pissing, but there are two streams.
"What the hell is that?" he asks. "War wound. I took a bullet in the penis in North Africa. They were able to save my dick but they had to leave two holes".
Then the guy looks to his right and sees... three streams!
"What the hell is that?" "War wound. Germany, bullet in the penis, left three holes".
The two veterans then look over at the guy in the middle and see... 12 streams!
"War wound??" "Naah, my zipper's stuck".
Well...
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. If you can find something better to do with your time than the Orsm archives I'll post you an M&M.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Might I tell you again?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will get even fatter. You might not care but what you'll be doing is condemning a fat fuck to becoming even fatter. And how fat is he? Well put it this way - Ray is so fat he has stretchmarks on his fingers.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stop trying to look up my skirt at my nuts. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
