Killer update below. I've made some slight changes to the layout which will either bother everyone or no one. I'm going with the latter because that seems like the fastest route to this day finally being over. Ah cognitive dissonance my old friend.
My fuckwit of the week goes to some jerk at a concert I got dragged along to. Prob around 40, shaved head, black t-shirt, black jeans, pointy boots, back against the bar, drinking a pint. Classic little man complex - thought he was hard as all that. The flog was barely half my size. As I move through crowd past him, someone dancing bumps me, I in turn bump him, apologise, he just shakes his head at me. Oi mate - you're at a concert, you're going to get bumped. Kids, don't be a miserable cunt like that guy.
Half an hour later I was standing in the same area watching the band when I noticed an older couple searching for something on the ground. His missus was approaching frantic. Asked what they'd lost, then used my phone torch to help find her missing credit card. First thing the guy does? Exclaims "Buy this guy a drink! Whaddya having?" Good people. Kids, people appreciate when you show your appreciation.
Honourable mention for the woman who told us that AFL "was a bloody woman's game" Didn't have a coherent response when presented with evidence she was in fact a woman... at least in gender terms. When asked what she thought was a man's game she said American Football (NFL). Kids, ladies don't drink Bundy.
Okay we better get cracking before this update is any later. Enjoy. Check it...
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
--
Dentist: "I have to pull the aching tooth, but don't worry - it will take just five minutes". Patient: "And how much will it cost?" Dentist: "It's $90.00". Patient: "$90.00 for just a few minutes of work?"
Dentist: "I can extract it very slowly if you like".
--
Henry goes to confession and says "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women". The priest says "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing". "Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?" "No" replies the priest. "But it'll wipe that silly grin off your face".
--
A man and his blond wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee". Wife replies "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee". Husband replies "I can't believe that, show me". So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says "HEBREWS".
--
A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered". "Sir" replied the doctor "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're darned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"
--
Marty is the owner of a hugely successful chain of upmarket menswear shops. One day, Marty calls in one of his staff and says "Brian, when you first joined the company, you started as mail boy. Then, within three weeks, I promoted you to assistant to the mailroom manager and three months later you became junior buyer for the store. I promoted you again six months later to chief buyer and two years after that you became our general manager. I've now decided to retire and after careful deliberation I've decided to give you my job as chairman and managing director of the company. What do you say about that?" "That's fine" says Brian. "Is that all you've got to say?" asks Marty.
"No, you're right, I'm sorry" replies Brian. "I should have said, thank you, Dad, that's fine".
--
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his father he has a part in the play. The boy's father asks "What part is it? The boy says "I play the part of the Jewish husband". The father scowls and says "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part".
--
A third-grade school teacher was trying to explain to her class the difference between singular and plural. She said "What do you call it if one woman looks out a window?" Charlotte said "Singular".
The teacher said "That's right Charlotte. Now, what do you call it if three women are looking out of a window?" Little Johnny raised his hand and blurted out "A whorehouse!"
--
Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex when you're drunk". Husband says "That's not true... sometimes I want a kebab"
Grumbling about the distance between campus buildings, a daughter wrote home to her father, who happened to be a veterinarian, asking for money to buy a second-hand motorcycle. By the time the money arrived, she had changed her mind and bought a monkey instead. After several weeks, the monkey started losing its hair. Hoping her father would know how to cure it, she wrote him a letter. "Dad, please help. All the hair is falling off my monkey. What should I do?" A couple of days later, she received a reply from her worried father. It read "Sell the damn motorcycle!"
--
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully "Give me one last request, dear" he said. "Of course, John" his wife said softly. "Six months after I die" John said "I want you to marry Bob". "But I thought you hated Bob?" she said. With his last breath John said "I do!"
--
"Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately, it did not cause any serious internal injury. However, I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they may have to amputate my right foot". Wife's Response: "Who the hell is Paula?" And if you find that hard to believe, you've never been married.
A woman went shopping. At the cash counter, she opened her purse to pay. The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse.
He could not control his curiosity and asked "Do you always carry your TV remote with you?" She replied "No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me shopping today because of football match, so I took the remote".
MORAL: Accompany and support your wife in her hobbies.
The story continues...
The cashier laughed and then returned all the items that lady had purchased. Shocked at this act, she asked the cashier what he was doing.
He said "Your husband has blocked your credit card".
MORAL: Always respect the hobbies of your husband.
Story continues...
Wife took out her husband's credit card from purse and swiped it. Unfortunately, he didn't block his own card.
MORAL: Don't underestimate the power and wisdom of your WIFE.
Story continues...
After swiping, the machine indicated 'ENTER THE PIN SENT TO YOUR MOBILE PHONE'.
MORAL: When a man tends to lose, the machine is smart enough to save him!
Story continues...
She smiled to herself and reached out for the mobile which rang in her purse. It was her husband's phone showing the forwarded SMS. She had taken it with the remote control so he doesn't call her during her shopping. She bought her items and returned home happily.
MORAL: Don't underestimate a desperate woman!
Story continues...
On getting home, his car was gone. A note was pasted on the door: "Couldn't find the remote. Gone out with the boys to watch the premiership match. Will be home late. Call me on my phone if you need something".
Damn... he left with the house key too.
MORAL: Don't try to control your husband. You will always lose.
ANAL SEX: 30 GIRLS WHOSE BUTTHOLES ARE OPEN FOR BUSINESS
An Eskimo took a campervan holiday in New Zealand.
While driving around the admiring the views, the motor started coughing and spluttering and then died. The Eskimo got out and scratched his head. Not being mechanically minded, he didn't know what to do.
At that moment a Kiwi bloke pulled in to see what was wrong and if he could help. Friendly people those Kiwi's.
"What's up bro?" said the Kiwi. "I don't know"' said the Eskimo "It just stopped" .
"You're in luck bro. I'm a mechanic. I'll have a look for you" said the Kiwi.
The Kiwi lifted the engine cover and smoke billowed out into the cabin of the camper. Hot oil was all over the engine and dripping onto the ground.
"Ahhhh" said the Kiwi "I see the problem - you've blown a seal!"
"Yeah so what?" said the Eskimo "you bastards root sheep!"
NOTHING QUITE LIKE ENJOYING A COLD BEER IN A HOT SHOWER - ITS SHOWER BEER TIME!
The owner and bartender of a bar was so sure that he was the strongest man around, that he offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to the patron. Anyone who could squeeze two more drops of juice out of it, would win the money. Many people had tried over the years: weightlifters, truckies, footballers etc, but nobody had ever been able to do it.
One day, this scrawny little bloke came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit. He sat down, ordered a pint of VB, and started looking around the bar.
After reading the sign on the wall about the lemon challenge, he said in a small voice "I was just reading your sign and I'd like to try the bet".
After the laughter had died down the bartender said: "Okay..."
He grabbed a lemon and squeezed the heck out of it... then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little guy. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence... as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon... and six drops fell into the glass!
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his $1000, and then asked little man: "Do you mind if I ask what you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"
The little bloke quietly replied "I work for The Tax Department".
CHOOSE YOUR BUILDER CAREFULLY FOR DODGY FUCKERS ARE EVERYWHERE!!
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A woman asks her husband at breakfast time "Would you like some Bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and Coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra" he says "It's really taken the edge off my appetite".
At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra" he says "really trashes my desire for food".
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No" he says "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry".
"Well" she says "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving".
An elderly bloke was invited to an old mate's home for dinner one evening.
As they were sitting at the dinner table, he was amazed at how his mate preceded every request to his missus with endearing terms such as: 'Darling, Honey, My Love, Pumpkin, Sweetheart etc'.
The couple had been married almost 50 years, and clearly, they were still very much in love.
When the missus went back to the kitchen to get more beers for the blokes, the old bloke leaned over to his mate and said "I think it's amazing that, after all these years, you still call your missus those loving pet names".
The old bloke hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth" he said. "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago".
"And, I'm scared to death to ask the old bitch what it is".
A Vicar was staying overnight in a hotel. Before he went to sleep for the night, he had a read of the Bible. He was awoken next morning by the maid, with a cup of tea.
He said to the maid "Fancy a quick screw my dear?" The maid said "But you're a man of the cloth, that can't be right!" He said "It's all right dear, it says so in the Bible!"
She hopped into bed with the reverend gentleman and she screwed him relentlessly until they were both exhausted.
When she recovered, the maid got out of the bed and said "I'd like you to show me the passage in the Bible, where it says it's alright".
The vicar opened the bedside table drawer, took out the Gideon's Bible and opened the cover. Someone had written in there "Ask the maid if she fancies a fuck, normally she goes like the clappers".
I accidently shot a Golden Eagle while out Duck shooting and ended up in court.
Judge: "This is a very serious crime. Do you have anything to say in your defence?"
Me: "Yes your Honour, it was very misty and the light was fading and, once I realised the horror of what I'd done, I remembered what my late father said. 'If you kill an animal you must respect it's spirit and eat every part of it' so I took it home and fed my family for a day".
Judge: "Yeah... yeah... that's very moving young man and, under the circumstances, I'm prepared to admonish you but... just before you step down... I'm curious, what did it taste like?"
Me: "Hard to say Your Honour, kind of like a cross between an Osprey and a Peregrine".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A 77-year-old man is having a drink in a bar.
Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her.
After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.
Before the man has time to apologise, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's another condition".
Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words"
The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman.
He then whips out his wallet and puts $100 in her outstretched hand.
He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly "Paint. My. House".
PORNSTAR APRIL O'NEIL IN ALL HER NAKED GLORY... AND THAT SHE IS!
The marriage between the elderly farmer and his young wife was not working out too well, so the farmer consulted his doctor for advice.
"The next time you're down in the field ploughing and feel a yearning for your wife don't wait until lunch time or the end of the day, but quit what you're doing and go to the house" said the doctor. "I tried that" said the farmer "But by the time I get to the house, I am so tuckered out, it's no use".
The doctor thought for a minute "Take your shotgun with you when you leave the house in the morning and if you feel the urge, shoot the gun and she will come down there where you are".
A few weeks later the two men met on the street.
"How did it work out?" asked the doctor. "Fine, the first three days" said the farmer "But then hunting season opened and I haven't seen her since".
-Follow me on Facebook. Some of the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there as I see fit.
-Check out the archives. It really doesn't get much better... unless you are impossible to please then just ignore that statement.
-Next update will be next Thursday. See you then.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will feed you food that he has made... and by made I mean adulterated with his own semen.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and hands off my wine, cunts. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2019.03.21-19.51
Welcome to moral hysteria.
Arrrrgh... smashed by some sort of poop thing. Managed to inhale a buttload of poop stopper tablets and got a handle on it quite quickly but the exhaustion part remains. The highlight of course is weightloss - sure-fire way to shed a couple of kilos. Positive from every negative, right...?
Has otherwise been a pretty massive week. I'd go into it more in detail if there was even a skerrick of extra energy but I'll keep it to one particular enjoyable unsolicited phone call. Yet another Filipino 'account manager' buzzed me at about 7am yesterday. When she asked how I was I told her I was busy sucking my own dick. Without missing a beat she replies saying "I'm glad you are having a nice day". Now that's my kind of account manager.
Alright onward and upward. Not to blow my own trumpet or anything but it’s a tribute to my awesomeness that an update of this magnitude, this calibre, can still hit the internets given my current state. Check it...
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year". Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked "Will I be acquitted?"
--
"Ohhh man...!!" she moaned. "Give it to me now... I'm so fucking wet, give it to me now!" She could moan all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella.
--
"Doc" said the young man lying down on the couch "You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream - I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes". The psychiatrist nodded "And what do you do?" "I push them away!" "I see. And what can I do to help you with this?" The patient implored "Please break my arms!"
--
While two families were waiting in line to enter the museum, their two 5-year-old boys were getting acquainted. "My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Adam" replied the second. "My daddy is a doctor. What does YOUR daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua. Adam proudly replied "My daddy is a lawyer". "Honest?" asked Joshua. "No, just the regular kind" replied Adam.
--
After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious. "You're running around with another woman - admit it!" she demanded. "What other woman?" Adam shot back. "You're the only one here". That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest. "What are you doing?" "Counting your ribs".
--
Got dragged along to a club with the wife. There was a guy on the dance floor going mental, twerking, breakdancing, spinning, moonwalking, back flips, the lot. He was the centre of attention. My wife turned to me and said "See that guy? 25 years ago, he proposed to me and I turned him down". I said "Yeah? I see he's still fucking celebrating!"
--
I was going to give some money to a homeless bloke yesterday, but when I saw a sign around his neck that read "One day, this could be you" I put the change back in my pocket. I thought "Hmmm, maybe he's right. I might need it myself one day".
--
"My boyfriend and I had hardly finished one argument when I screwed up and started another one" said Jill. "How'd you do that?" asked Margaret. "Well" says Jill "you know when you're done with a big fight and your significant other suggests a little 'make-up sex'?" "Yeah" says Margaret. Jill replies "I guess it wasn't the right time for me to ask, 'Does it have to be with you?'"
--
Recently, a man stopped at my desk at the library asking for help. A woman had breastfed her infant and forgotten to "tuck herself back in". I walked over to Lady Godiva and as tactfully as I could, said "Ma'am, I'm very sorry, but we don't allow open drink containers in the library".
Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball. After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton! Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!" "What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine. "Bring me my wedge" Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"
--
NASA has just released a new theory on the cause of Mars changing from warm and wet to cold and dry. It got married.
--
I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill, but instead I bought a lottery ticket for a brand-new car. When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand-new car. We all cried, especially me, because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again.
Pedro and Maria got married. Pedro was a 'man about town' so to speak, but Maria was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees.
Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon.
So, that night they retired to his little shack. When Pedro was undressing Maria said "Oh Pedro, what is that?" Pedro being very quick thinking said "Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these". And, then, he proceeded to show her what it was for, and Maria was happy.
The next morning Pedro went off to work as usual. When he returned home that evening, Maria was on the front porch obviously upset about something.
"Pedro, you told me that you were the only man in the world with one of those, and I saw Gonzalez the gardener changing his clothes behind the shed, and he had one, too".
Thinking fast, Pedro said "Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my very best friend. I had two of them so I gave him one. He is the only other man in the world with one of those".
Maria being very stupid accepted his answer and they did their thing again that night.
Pedro went off to work again the next morning and when he returned home, Maria was very upset, stamping her foot on the porch. Pedro said "Maria, what is the matter now?" "Pedro, you gave Gonzalez the best one!!"
I'LL JUST LEAVE THIS HERE: MOTHERS AND DAUGHTERS 😍
A little boy who was obviously retarded was attending an elementary school which was not too far from the local high school. This was temporary as he was having problems in school and his mother hoped his grandmother would be more luck.
He attends the first day of school with no problem but he decides to stay after everyone leaves for a project, then afterwards he is walking home from school and he sees the high school and a lone car in the middle of the football field.
Curious, he goes up to the car where he sees a guy and a girl having sex. The guy was thrusting so hard his condom literally popped off and landed in the field. Without hesitation the little boy picks up the condom and continues to watch. The guy notices the condom is missing and sees the obviously retarded little boy holding it with a huge grin on his face.
He says to the little boy "Hey, gimme that damn thing back!" The little boy replies "No, its my twinkie!"
The man again persists "Give it back now or I'll kick your arse!" The little boy replies "But no, its my twinkie!"
Seeing the boy was obviously retarded he couldn't bring himself to beat him up so he finally says
"Look kid, if you give it back I'll give you $20 okay?"
Quickly the boy agrees and runs home as fast as he could. He flings open the door and his grandmother quickly greets him. He is so excited about the previous event he yells at the top of his lungs "Grandma, Grandma some guy gave me 20 dollars for a twinkie, even though I sucked all the creme filling out!"
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
"Fred" he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred" the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The biker replies "It's a long story, so stay with me". I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realised that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred".
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
nOPE - ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ATTRACTIVE ABOUT GIRLS WITH SHORT HAIR................................
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THE GHOST POO:
The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo on the toilet paper, but there's no poo in the bowl.
THE CLEAN POO:
The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo in the bowl, but there's no poo on the toilet paper.
THE WET POO:
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
THE SECOND WAVE POO:
This poo happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees and you suddenly realise you have to poo some more.
THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE POO:
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Poo". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
THE CORN POO:
No explanation necessary.
THE LINCOLN LOG POO:
The kind of poo that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER POO:
The kind of poo you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.
THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD POO" POO:
The kind where you want to poo, but even after straining your guts out all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.
THE WET CHEEKS POO:
Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
THE LIQUID POO:
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.
THE MEXICAN FOOD POO:
A class all its own.
THE CROWD PLEASER:
This poo is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.
THE MOOD ENHANCER:
This poo occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.
THE RITUAL:
This poo occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.
THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS POO:
A poo so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
THE AFTERSHOCK POO:
This poo has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.
THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" POO:
This is any poo created in the presence of another person.
THE GROANER:
A poo so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
THE FLOATER:
Characterised by its floatability, this poo has been known to resurface after many flushings.
THE RANGER:
A poo which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
THE PHANTOM POO:
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.
THE PEEK-A-BOO POO:
Now you see it, now you don't. This poo is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.
THE BOMBSHELL:
A poo that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to poo (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near pooing facilities.
THE SNAKE CHARMER:
A long skinny poo which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.
THE OLYMPIC POO:
This poo occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Poo.
THE BACK-TO-NATURE POO:
This poo may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN POO:
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T poo.
ENERGIZER vs DURACELL POO:
Also known as a "Still Going" poo.
THE NUCLEAR POO:
It's a Kind A Poo That Happens when you eat the ghost chili. Combo of The Bombshell and the second wave. this poo will ruin your bathroom and clears the house. WARNING: it will hurt your ASS & Rip ya a new One!
THE POWER DUMP POO:
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.
THE LIQUID PLUMBER POO:
This kind of poo is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Poo.)
THE SPINAL TAP POO:
The kind of poo that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.
THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" POO:
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Poos. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
THE PORRIDGE POO:
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two chooces: (a) flush and keep gong, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" POO:
When the bag of Dorito's you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.
THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" POO:
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" POO:
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course, you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.
THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURN STILL DANGLING THERE" POO:
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.
THE "YOU'VE GOT POO ON YOUR SHOES, YOU POO SHOE BASTARD" POO:
No explanation required.
Not too long ago, there was a woman who wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone. She decided to write him a letter saying she was tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. After writing the letter, she put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.
When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it.
After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialled a number. His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting with someone.
"Hey babe, I'm just changing clothes then I will join you" he said. "As for my wife, she finally figured out that I was cheating on her and left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and I had met earlier. See you soon, honey!"
Then he hung up and walked out of the room.
In tears and very upset, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter. Through teary and bleary eyes, she read "I could see your feet you idiot. I'll bring the car around, get dressed, we're going to dinner".
Want to contribute to, contact, agitate, titillate, correct my speling? Just click here and do *IT*!!
Upon getting to work one morning, seventy-five-year-old Marvin is reminded by his secretary that it's his wife's birthday today. At lunch, Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for her.
Unfortunately, he realises that life has been good and she has everything she needs. Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realises that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life. He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young.
Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee they has. Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife.
Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it. He'll wait in the kitchen. His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom.
Once the package is opened, she realises that this is something she has never had before. She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination. She thinks for a moment and then decides that she'll really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes on at all. So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark naked. She calls out "Marvin, come out to the hallway and look".
Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims, "All that money and they didn't even iron it!"
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour when the nurse walked out and said to a man sitting there "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"
The man replied "How about that! I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team". About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mrs. Smith had just had triplets.
Mr. Smith stood up and said "Well, how do ya like that, I work for 3M!"
When the nurse appeared next, she told the third man that his wife had given birth to quadruplets.
"That's amazing! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"
At this point the gentleman sitting next to me let out a little strangled gasp and hurriedly got up, obviously distraught. When I asked him if he was okay, he explained "I think I need a breath of fresh air". The man continued "I'm the casting director for 101 Dalmatians".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his career path, so they decided to do a small test.
They took a $10 bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they weren't at home.
The father told the mother "If he takes the money, he will be a businessman; if he takes the Bible, he will be a priest; but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard".
So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited nervously, peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home.
He saw the note they had left, saying they'd be home later. Then, he took the $10 bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also. Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality, then he left for his room carrying all the three items.
The father slapped his forehead, and said "Damn! It's even worse than I ever imagined..."
A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's home, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.
The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.
And we come to the end. Read on though... it may save you wondering a stupid question.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there... when I remember to post stuff that is.
-Check out the archives. They are bigger than my friend Ray's ego (if that's even possible).
-Next update will be next Thursday. Staring down April WTF!?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will not stop the harrassment until you agree Christchurch was most likely a false flag operation.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and eggs g'bad for you. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2019.03.14-18.34ish
Welcome to you're a freak with a microphone.
Update up early for once. Can't even begin to tell you guys just how much planning this took (I can actually - as far back as early-Jan). That of course equates to a lot of time to make something perfect even perfecter. Yes perfecter is a word. No you don't have to check. Anyway so without further dribbling let's move on with this staple of adult entertainment. Check it...
A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend "All that bull does is eat grass. Won't even look at a cow". "Take him to the vet" his friend suggested. The next week, John is much happier. "The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!" he told his pal. "Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbour's cows! He's like a machine!" "What kind of pills were they?" asked the friend. "I don't know, but they've got a peppermint taste".
--
My husband, who is an auto mechanic, received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking noise when going around corners". Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a clunk. He then made a left turn and a moment later he heard a clunk. He went back to the shop and opened the trunk and then filled out the work order. It read: "fixed clunk... removed bowling ball from the boot".
--
An old man walks into a bar and the bartender asks for ID. "You've got to be kidding" he said. "I'm almost 65 years old". The bartender apologised, but said he had to see the license. The old man showed his ID, then paid and told the bartender to keep the change. "The tip's for carding me" he said. The bartender put the change in the tip cup. "Thanks" he said. "Works every time".
--
To my friend's astonishment a police car pulled up to her house and her elderly grandfather got out. The patrolman explained that the old gentleman had been lost in the city park and had asked for help. "Why, Grandfather" my friend said "you've been going there for 40 years. How could you get lost?" The old man smiled slyly. "Wasn't exactly lost" he admitted. "I just got tired of walking".
--
I spotted a large man in a bar that had a muscular build except for his very small head. I could not help myself because it was so much different than the rest of his body. So, I asked him about it. He said that he was walking down the beach, spotted a bottle, picked it up and a Mermaid popped out.
She gave me a wish and I said "How about having sex". She said that was not possible because she was a mermaid. Then, I said "How about a little head?".
--
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back". "You're on, old man" the young man bragged replied. "Let's see what you got". The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said "Alright. Get in".
--
I stuck my finger in her hole and I could immediately feel it getting wet. As I pulled it out, she then started squirting and going down on me, and a sudden rush overcame us both. Shit... I really need to get off this fucking boat before it sinks.
LOOKING FOR A GOOD HOME. My girlfriend doesn't like my dog, so I appeal to you. She is a purebred from a wealthy area and I have had her 4 years. She likes to play games. Not totally trained. Has long hair so she's a little... high maintenance, especially the nails, but she loves having them done. Stays up all night yapping but sleeps while I work. Only eats the best, most expensive food. Will NEVER greet you at the door after a long day or give you unconditional love when you're down. Does not bite but she can be mean as hell! So... anyone interested in my 30-year-old, selfish, wicked, gold-digging girlfriend? Come and get her! Me and my dog want her re-homed.
--
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears several confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand". The new priest tries this. The old priest then suggests "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand, how did you feel about that?" The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest concludes "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No way! What happened next?'"
--
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture". The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay" he reassured the man "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway".
Three guys were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilise to scam our way in".
Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shot-put". He opens his gym bag to display a shot-put to the registration attendant.
The attendant says "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information".
The first guy gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin".
The attendant says "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"
The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up to the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus".
The attendant says "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself".
The third guy, an Irishman, walks proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed wire under his arm and states: "Shawn Gallagher. Ireland. Fencing".
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mummy" the little girl asks "How old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age" the mother replied. "It's not polite".
"OK" the little girl says "How much do you weigh?" "Now really" the mother says "Those are personal questions and are really none of your business".
Undaunted, the little girl asks "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" "That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My mum won't tell me anything about her" the little girl says to her friend. "Well" says the friend "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it".
Later that night the little girl says to her mother "I know how old you are. You are 32". The mother is surprised and asks "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 130 pounds". The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in Heaven's name did you find that out??"
"And" the little girl says triumphantly "I know why you and daddy got a divorce".
"Oh really?" the mother asks "Why is that??" "Because you got an F in sex"...
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
A young woman joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. She went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take her first jump from a plane.
The next day she called home to tell her mother the news.
"So, did you jump?" asked the mother. "Well let me tell you what happened" the girl said. "We got up in the plane and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen people got up and just walked out of the plane".
"Is that when you jumped?" asked her mother.
"Uh, no. The sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door".
"Did you jump then?" asked her mother.
"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last one left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt".
"So, did you jump...?"
"No. He tried to push me out of the plane but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally, he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy about six-foot six, and 130 kilo's". He said to me "Are you gonna jump or not?''
I said "No sir, I'm too scared. So, the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took out his junk. I swear, mum, it was about ten inches long and big around as a baseball bat! He said "Either you jump out that door or I'm sticking this bad boy right up your ass".
"So, did you jump?" asked her mother.
"A little at first".
HOW TO ENSURE THAT PERFECT ALL-OVER TAN? GET NAKED AT THE SOLARIUM OF COURSE!
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
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Two high school sweethearts were to be married soon after graduation. Part of the marriage proposal was that the new bride never, ever opens a small cedar box. The couple were so deeply in love, not opening a wooden box was no problem.
Sixty years later, as their anniversary approached, the wife wondered if she was still not allowed to open the box. After all, she had not even thought of the box for all these years and with their level of devotion and trust, what could be in that box that was so personal?
One day she finally asked if he remembered his instructions about the small box and whether or not he cared if she looked inside. He said "A promise is a promise, but after 60 years of devotion, what harm would it be, go ahead and open it".
She replied that she trusted him implicitly and did not really care what was in the box as what could such a small box hide anyway? However, being a female, she was curious and after a few weeks, peeked inside the box.
All of what was in there was three golf balls and several hundred dollars. As the husband was an avid golfer, this seemed innocent.
A few weeks later, curiosity got the better of her and she had to, well, just had to ask what was with the golf balls. He replied that each time he had an affair with another woman, he would put a new golf ball in the box. Well, three times being unfaithful in 60 years, oh well, that was almost acceptable.
A few days later she asked about the cash. He replied that the box was rather small and after every dozen golf balls, he sold them for a dollar per dozen.
EXPLAINED: SOCIALISM, CAPITALISM AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN
SOCIALISM:
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM:
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM:
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM:
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM:
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income
ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
SURREALISM:
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
A GREEK CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.
A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows
But you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows.
None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them, you claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION:
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the shit out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION: You have two cows.
They are unhappy and would rather live in Australia.
Want to contribute to, contact, agitate, titillate, correct my speling? Just click here and do *IT*!!
Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase "You've Gotta Be Kiddin' Me?"
Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Founding Father of USA, way back when
George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.
There were 33 in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Cox and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern.
He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.
Corporal Cox, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.
Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Cox and his lantern into the Delaware.
Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Cox, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favourites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted.
He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.
Another hour later, one of his men said "General, I see lights ahead".
They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.
What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak "Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort".
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said "Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"
Washington replied "Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Cox".
An elderly priest was speaking to a younger priest. "You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm! The front of the church always fills first now".
As the young priest nodded, the old priest continued "You also told me to assign a little more beat to the music because it would bring young people back to church. So, I supported you when you bought in that rock 'n' roll Gospel choir. Now, our services are consistently packed. "Thank you, Father" answered the young priest.
"I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth. "All of these ideas have been well and good" said the elderly priest.
"But, I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional". "But Father" protested the young priest. "My confessions and donations have nearly doubled since I began that!" "Yes" replied, the elderly priest. "I appreciate that, but the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n' Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
One day, Bob was touring Spain. After a day of sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied "Ah senor, you have an excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" Bob, though momentarily daunted when he learned the origin of the dish, finally said "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!"
The next morning, Bob returned, placed his order and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said "These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter promptly replied "Yes, senor. Sometimes the bull wins!"
Well... sorry guys this is hard to say and I know I've joke about it before but...
THIS IS THE LAST EVER ORSM UPDATE
... for this week.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there somewhat regularly/occasionally/frequently/sporadically/periodically. Except this week because I accidentally posts a pic showing penis and in Facebook jail for another day or so. Oops.
-Check out the archives. Not a single instance of misusing 'literally'.
-Next update will be next Thursday unless a great tragedy should befall me.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will pwn you at everything. He will say 'pwn' a lot too.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and you are now thinking about what my penis looks like. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2019.03.07-21.12
Welcome to testing very high on the strokability scale. Schwing.
Getting tired of this Michael Jackson stuff. I'm a fan from way back and always will be. I've blogged about him before; probably when he died. My opinion is he wasn't a molester; he had a fucked-up family, fucked-up childhood and fucked-up life. Ultimately lacked social skills, was lonely and lived in a bubble which meant he didn't know the boundaries all the rest of us do when it came to being close with people. Visiting Neverland would've been like when you go to a foreign country and are shocked by some behavior which is very normal to them but completely insane to you.
I won't be watching Leaving Neverland. By all accounts it'll destroy his legacy for me and, again, I don't think the accusers are to be believed. Have a read of this link on Forbes which lays out some facts which make it pretty bloody hard to trust MJ's main accuser, Wade Robson.
In the light of radio stations now banning his music I really hope these people who have come forward now aren't bullshitting. Terrible thing to deprive the world of his music just for their own financial gain.
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd off my soapbox. Dudes, what you're about to scroll into is a truly excellent update. I'm more than happy to sell and oversell it but what would be the point? All those hours of my blood, sweat and tears cobbling it all together and you can't actually get to it because I'm too busy holding you up. Tsk-tsk. Check it…
A heterosexual couple have won a high court case that gives them the right to have a civil partnership. Their next objective in their hopeless quest for equality is to find a gay baker, who will be legally obliged to bake them a cake with 'All queers are cunts' iced on it.
--
Martin had just received his brand-new driver's license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive" says the beaming boy to his father. "Nope" comes dad's reply "I'm gonna sit here and kick the fucking back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years!"
--
Wife: "Will you still love me when I'm fat and ugly?" Me: "You know I do".
--
A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain. "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?" "Throw out an anchor, sir" the student replied. "What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?" "Throw out another anchor, sir". "And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain. "Throw out another anchor, sir". "Hold on" said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?" "From the same place you're getting your storms, sir".
--
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe. Preosllnay I tinhk its cmolpete nenosnese......
--
Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place. "It's just too hot to wear clothes today" complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money".
--
Two guys are sitting in a bar. One looks over at the other and asks how his sex life is going. The second guy looks at him blankly for a moment and replies" Eh, I'm having social security sex". His buddy looked puzzled for a minute then finally asks "What the hell is social security sex?" "Yeah well I get a little every month but its not enough to live on".
--
For an experiment, a chemistry teacher takes out a $20 bill and put it's in a bottle of ethanol. He then asks his students if it will dissolve. A student raised his hand to answer. Student: 'No, it most definitely will not dissolve, sir.' Teacher: 'Really good! Now can you explain to the rest of the class why?' Student: 'You're so cheap, there's no way you would've sacrificed that $20!!'
--
A strange woman looked through my window this morning and saw me watching porn and masturbating furiously. Thankfully after about ten seconds of shocked embarrassing silence the lights turned green.
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything!"
--
A man goes to a shrink and says "Doc, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax" says the Doctor "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
--
The teacher asked Jimmy "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying "Because I heard my daddy tell my mummy, 'I am going to eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
--
Lori, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me" she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week". "I see" nodded the psychiatrist. "And you want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter?" "For God's sake, no!" exclaimed the Nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterwards".
They had been having a few beers at the bar together recounting old times when the call of nature caused them to line up at the same time, still deep in conversation.
But Fred could hardly ignore the fact that Charley was very well endowed.
"I say, that's a remarkable donger you have there old boy" Fred was prompted to remark.
"Wasn't always that way" replied Charley "Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days" he said. "I got this done over on Harley Street, London. Cost a thousand bucks, but as you can see, well worth every cent".
Fred was very envious. In fact, he packed his bag that night and flew off to the Old Dart first thing.
It was a good six months later before he ran into his old cobber once again and Fred could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken his advice and was well pleased with the result.
"But Charley, I will tell you something else" said Fred. "You were diddled, I got mine for $500, not a thousand".
Charley could hardly believe it. Same address on Harley Street, same doctor. Complaining that he had been ripped off, he asked Fred if he could take a look.
Once more they lined up at the porcelain, when Charley took a peek over the partition, the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared. "No wonder" he laughed. "That's my old one!"
He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years, having been high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past, without fail.
This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high, with the widower throwing admiring glances across the table... and the widow smiling coyly back at him.
Finally, during one dance, he picked up courage to ask her "Will you marry me? After about 6 seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes... YES I WILL!"
Needless to say, the evening ended on a happy note for the widower. However, the next morning he was troubled. Did she say Yes or did she say No? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall.
He went over-and-over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question, but for the life of him could not recall her response.
With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No?
"Why you silly man, she replied, I said Yes. Yes, I will! And I meant it with all my heart!"
The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat. Then she continued. "And I'm so glad you called, because I couldn't remember who asked me".
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim. After taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.
"You see" Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components".
Jim is sceptical, but intrigued.
Carl continues "For the last five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it".
So Jim asks "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?"
Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibres. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibres".
Jim, disgusted, says "You have got to be kidding me!"
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
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A man walks into a bar and sees a pudgy, disgustingly pimpled ugly man with the hottest woman he's ever seen.
Man walks up to the bartender and says "Wow, how the hell did that pimpled freak land a hottie like that...?" Bartender replies "Beats the hell out of me but the funny thing is, he's here with her every morning. Why don't you ask him?"
So the man finally gets up the nerve to approach the fat man and says "Excuse me but... I have to ask... how in the world did you land such a hottie?" The fat man replies "Well she's a prostitute."
The man is stunned.
"Well how did you meet her?" The fat man replies "Well she's here every morning at 9am sharp... be here and you'll get your chance!"
So the next day the man comes in and sees the woman sitting at the bar.
He sits down beside her and says "I'm sorry but I have to ask... are you a prostitute?" The woman replies "Its okay and yes... I am." "Wow... how much for a handjob then?" The woman replies "$700." "$700??!! Good God lady, don't you think that's a bit too much, shit!"
The woman says "Come to the window I want to show you something"
She takes him to the window and points to a red Ferrari outside. "You see that Ferrari?"
"Yeah... what about it?" "I paid for it by giving handjobs." "WOW!! That must be one hell of a handjob."
So he pays her the money and gets the best handjob ever... his legs shake and lips quiver.
Next day the man comes back and askes "How much for a blowjob?" "$800" "Holy shit, that's a lot of moolah!"
"Let me show you something" she says.
She takes him back to the window and points to 2 skyscrapers in the city. "You see those skyscrapers?" "Yeah". "I paid for those giving blowjobs." "WOW!!! That's one helluva blowjob!!"
So he pays her the money and gets the best blowjob he has ever had... his eyes roll back in his head and his feet tremble.
The next day the man gets up and empties out his entire bank acct.
He goes to the bar, sees the woman and says "I've got the best handjob and blowjob I have ever had in my life and it was from you! I've GOT to know how good that pussy is...? How much?? Name your price! I'll pay anything!!!!"
The woman says "Come here, let me show you something".
She takes him back to the window and points to an island resort with hotels and communities.
"You see that island over... with the lavish hotels and prominent communities?" He said "Yeah". She says "If I had a pussy I could buy that too."
Two Aussie window cleaners are working on the outside of a 6-storey airport building in Sydney.
One of them says "I want to piss, let's go down".
"Mate, just piss from here". "But there are people down there".
"See that fountain? Lean out and aim right there, no one will notice"
"No way, mate I'll fall down" "Don't worry mate, I'll hold you".
So he starts to piss but his mate loses his grip, and he falls to his death.
A year later in London, three blondes are in a cafe, talking about men.
"I'll tell you, the most sex thirsty men are Italians. When I was there on vacation, I couldn't make a step without them hitting on me!"
"No, it's Mexicans. Those sweaty hairy macho men undress you with their eyes every second!"
"That's nothing compared to Australians. I was there last year. Right after I walk out of the hotel, I sense something dripping from above. I raise my head, and see a man flying towards me, with pants down, holding his dick with both hands and screaming: CUUUUUUUUUNT !!"
Want to contribute to, contact, agitate, titillate, correct my speling? Just click here and do *IT*!!
Bill and Moe had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions. Their company employed over two hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes.
Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, the business failed, and personal debts forced both into bankruptcy. Bill and Moe blamed each other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms.
Five years later, Bill drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was discreetly wiping some crumbs from the table, a waiter approached. Bill looked up and gasped.
"Moe!" he said, shaking his head. "It's a terrible thing, seeing you working in a place as bad as this".
"Yeah" Moe said with a smirk. "But at least I don't eat here".
A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known area for 'parking'. He saw a couple in a car, with the interior light on. He got closer to the car and saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walked over to the car and knocked on the window.
"Yes, officer?" "What are you doing?" "Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine".
Pointing to the young woman, the cop asked "And her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugged "I believe she's knitting a pullover".
The cop was totally confused. "A young couple alone in a car at night and nothing obscene is happening? What's your age, young man?" "I'm 22, sir".
"And her, what's her age?
The young man looks at his watch and said "She'll be 18 in 20 minutes".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Three women die in a car crash and when they arrive at the gates of heaven St. Peter greets them and takes them to god.
"Okay" said God "I know all you three women have been very nice people throughout your life so you're free to do what your please in heaven - just do not step on the ducks".
Sure enough, when they go through the gates of heaven they're ducks everywhere and its hard not to step on them. Unfortunately, one of the women does...
"What was the one thing I told you not to do?" God asked her "I told you not to step on the ducks!"
And with a snap of his fingers she was handcuffed to the ugliest man she had ever seen in her life.
A couple of weeks passed and it as growing more and more difficult not to step on the ducks... and then the next women stepped on one.
"I told you not to step on the ducks!" God said to her when her found out. And with another click of his fingers she was cuffed to the ugliest man she had ever seen.
The third women was of course extremely careful and after 3 years had never stepped on a duck. All off a sudden however she was cuffed to the most gorgeous man she had ever seen. She said "I don't know what I've done but it must of been something good!?" And the man replies "I don't know about you but I stepped on a duck!"
An owner of a painting company needs to hire a painter for a job he is doing. So he goes down to unemployment to hire a painter. They tell him they don't have any - the only person they have is at the moment is a gynaecologist. He says that won't do, he needs a painter. They tell him they are sorry. He really needs an extra set of hands so he decides to take the gynaecologist.
Two weeks later he returns asking for the gynaecologist. They tell him that he has found employment and is no longer with them and that they now have painters looking for work. The owner of the painting company tells them that he really needs the gynaecologist. They ask him why?
He tells them that two weeks earlier he took the gynaecologist down to the job site and the front door was locked - he had no key. That guy painted the entire house through the keyhole!
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there somewhat regularly/occasionally/frequently/sporadically/periodically. It can actually be seasonal would you believe?
-Check out the archives. Chugga-chugga. Toot-toot.
-Next update will be next Thursday. In absentia, probably quite early but here nonetheless.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will tell everyone you have issues with control; feeling superior to people.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and my lawn. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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