Welcome to my dream, my wish. And it didn't come true. So I'm taking it back. I'm taking them all back.
I'm going to have to restrict how many words are written at the top here for today's update. Everything was going to plan, maybe even slightly ahead of schedule, then the phone rang and my afternoon got hijacked. Not to say it wasn't anything important, but it just how family shit rolls. If it helps anyone at all, I was going to write some stuff about how my one and only NY's resolution was to drink less; go dry until Easter/April. You guys'll be happy to know that's already been busted twice. The thing of note here is my body handles the day after quite well. Rarely suffer a hangover... which I think prompts the question "Why would you wanna stop drinking?". I'll consider that while you guys get busy checking it...
My wife said I show no sympathy for the children in slave labour. "You should try putting yourself in their shoes!" she said. So I went and bought a pair of Nikes.
--
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?" "I'm out of gas" the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. "Try it now" said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow!" the man exclaimed "what did you put in my gas tank"? The bee answered "BP!"
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Donald Trump was asked what the J stood for in Donald J Trump. He said "Genius"
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Rottweilers are great companion dogs. I bought a one for my mother-in-law. Despite the fearsome expression, huge teeth, constant growling and terrible breath, he's very fond of her.
--
A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it. A passer-by remarked "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman? "Oh, he still is" remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife".
--
A redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby. Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said to him "Congratulations, your wife has had quins, five big baby boys". The redneck said "I'm not surprised. I have a prick on me like a chimney". The nurse replied "In which case you might want to consider getting it cleaned. They're all black".
--
It was cold and pouring with rain but the boy's mother insisted he go and feed the animals on their freeholding before he could have breakfast. The boy went out in a dark rage, kicked the chickens, punched the cow and threw water all over the pigs. When he got back inside his mother was furious. "How dare you!" she fumed. "For that you get no eggs because you kicked the chickens, no milk because you thumped the cow and no bacon because of the way you treated the pigs". Just then, dad came down the stairs and nearly tripping over the cat, he gave the animal a mighty kick. The boy turned to his mother and said "Are you going to tell him or shall I?"
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Bloke goes to the doctor complaining that his dick has turned orange. "I've never seen anything like that" says the doc "What do you do for a living?". "Oh I'm unemployed" says the bloke. "So, what do you do all day?" asks the doc. "Sit at home watching porn and eating cheezels".
--
For some years the lawyer had been taking his holidays at the exclusive hide-away country hotel and carrying on an affair with the owner's daughter. However, on returning one year he discovered his mistress had given birth to twin boys. "Why on earth didn't you tell me?" said the astonished lawyer. "You know I would have married you and provided for the birth". She replied "That may be so. But when I told my parents I was pregnant, we talked over all the options. We all agreed it was better to have a couple of bastards in the family than a lawyer.
--
A son calls his mother. "Mum, how are you?" Mum replies "Not too good. I haven't eaten in 38 days". Replying with concern, the son asks "What's the matter, mum? Are you not feeling well? Have you been to the doctor?" Mum replies "Not that. I didn't want to have my mouth full of food in case you called".
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If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.
Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead man with a hard on, the first nurse says "I can't let that go to waste" and rides him. The second nurse does the same. The third nurse hesitates and explains she is on her period, but does him anyway. Then the man sits up and the nurses apologise saying they thought he was dead. The man replies "I was, but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion, I feel great!!"
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On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you! When we're sleeping, you don't touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either". "Fucking great" I thought "first day in here and I'm married already".
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After 10 years a wife started to think their child looks kinda strange so she did a DNA test and found out the child is not theirs. She told her husband what she found out, the husband replied, you don't remember do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, the baby pooped and you told me to go and change him, so I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.
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A man walks into a bar and he's really pissed off. The bartender gives him a drink and asks what the problem. All he says is "All lawyers are cunts!" A man sitting in the corner shouts "I take offense to that!" The pissed-off guy asks him "Why? Are you a lawyer?" He replies "No, I am an cunt".
--
If there was a competition for saggy tits, my wife would beat everyone. In fact, she'd wipe the floor with them.
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency.
The Social workers raise doubts about the living conditions in a circus, but the couple produce photos of their 50-foot luxury motor home, which is clean and well-maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The Social workers also raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills".
Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is a certified expert in Paediatric care, Welfare and Diet".
The social workers are finally satisfied and ask "What age child are you hoping to adopt?" "It doesn't really matter as long as they can fit in the cannon".
NOWHERE BETTER THAN THE BEACH TO LET YOUR VAGINA BREATHE, LADIES!
A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!
But the father loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
*Schwoooop* A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
*Schwoooop* Two arms pops out!
The bar goes wild, but the bartender is clearly disapproving.
The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"
The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
*Schwoooop* Two legs pop out!!
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says "That boy should have quit while he was a head".
IT'S BEST TO KEEP THE CLOTHING MINIMAL... SO YOU CAN DANCE GOODA..
-When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours. -Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
-When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 logins. -When you call the helpdesk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
-When I.T. support sends you an email with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing. -When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
-Send urgent emails all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery. -When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
-When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here. -When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.
-When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle. -When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
-When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?". That motivates us. -When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
-When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work. -Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy blew up".
-Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps. -If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.
-If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them. -When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?
-When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway. -Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.
-When you need to change the cartridge in a printer, call I.T. support. Changing a cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a Master's in nuclear physics. -When you can't find someone in the government directory, call I.T. Support.
-When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call I.T. Support. We love to hack. -When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the helpdesk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.
-When you receive a 300mb movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server. -Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.
-When an I.T. person gets on the elevator pushing $100,000 worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us up no end. -When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People in the Hong Kong Office like to keep abreast of what's going on.
-When you bump into an I.T. person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends. -Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.
-When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers somewhere. -In no way do we believe that end users are ungrateful. It hurts our feelings that one could even think such a thing on the basis of the above statements. In truth we wish to express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of wonderful end users portrayed herein, without whom none of this would have been remotely possible.
A guy is shipwrecked with Emma Watson. Eventually they become rather intimate. Repeatedly.
After six months Emma says "I am so grateful for everything you've done I want to make you happy. Whatever you want to do let's do it. No judgements. No boundaries".
The guy thinks about it for a minute and replies "Here. Take this baseball cap. Push up all your hair so it's under the cap". Emma nods and does so.
The guy continues. "Now take this Athletic tape and flatten your breasts against your chest. (The island had a remarkable assortment of tools. Go figure.)
So, Emma wraps her breasts and puts her shirt back on. "Anything else?"
The guy says "Now talk with as low a voice as you can".
Emma nods and replies in as deep a voice as she can muster "Okay. Now what?"
The guy turns to her and says "Hey guy! Guess what!"
Emma hoarsely says "What?"
The guy says "I'm fucking Emma Watson!"
ADMIT IT - YOU FUCKING LOVE THE FUCK OUT OF REDHEADS
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-Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks. -Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
-If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. -Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
-Get in the shower. -Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
-Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. -Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
-Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. -Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
-Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and Jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.. -Shave armpits and legs.
-Turn off shower. -Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
-Spray mould spots with tile cleaner. -Get out of shower.
-Dry with towel the size of a small country. -Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
-Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
-Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. -Walk naked to the bathroom.
-If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. -Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
-Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum. -Get in the shower.
-Wash your face. -Wash your armpits.
-Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. -Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
-Wash your hair.
-Make a Shampoo Mohican -Wee.
-Rinse off and get out of shower. -Partially dry off.
-Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time. -Admire willy size in mirror again.
-Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. -Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
-If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. -Throw wet towel on bed.
36 VERY GOOD REASONS WHY I'M BUYING A BOAT NEXT SUMMER!
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the centre aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"
A Rabbi and a Priest are out golfing. The Priest takes his first shot and gets a hole in one. He smiles, then tells the Rabbi it's his turn. The Rabbi takes his shot, and completely missed the golf ball. The Rabbi then shouts "Shit, I missed!"
The Priest shakes his head and says "I would like it if you didn't utter such unholy words".
The Rabbi shrugs and they continue playing.
The Rabbi goes for a second turn, and he misses the ball again and says "Shit, I missed again!" The Priest glares at the Rabbi and tells him sternly "This is your last warning. If you utter such unholy words once more, I will have to ask God to strike you".
The Rabbi shrugs and they keep playing.
The Rabbi goes again and sure enough, he misses the ball. Frustrated, the Rabbi shouts "Shit, I missed again!"
The Priest sighs and says "Sorry Rabbi, I'm going to have to ask God to strike you".
The Priest turns his back to the Rabbi, and starts praying to God. All of a sudden, a giant bolt of lightning hits the Priest and kills him on the spot.
The Rabbi is shocked but he then hears a booming voice come out of the sky saying "Shit, I missed!"
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
Dear Grandson,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed "For the love of God!"
"Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my grandson Jimmy in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back!
Jimmy burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So, I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises coming from his parents' bedroom, so he went to investigate. He was shocked to see what his mum and dad were up to.
"Daddy, what are you doing?" he screamed. "It's okay" said the father. "It's just that your mother wants another baby".
Excited at the prospect of a baby brother, the kid went back to bed, but a few minutes later he heard strange slurping noises and rushed back to his parents' bedroom, only to find his mum giving her husband a blowjob.
"Daddy!" screamed the kid "what are you two doing now?" "Son, there's been a change of plan" said his dad. "Your mum did want another baby, but now she wants a BMW instead!"
Officer Piper was saying his goodbyes to his family because his vessel, the HMCS Beauregard was taking to the ocean for a 6-month long mission.
Through teary eyes, he waved to his family, uncertain about the future, wanting to cherish the view of them waving to him because it would be so long before he saw their faces again.
Heavy hearted, he went to his chambers to as the vessel started its voyage. Longingly, he looked out the porthole window, hoping to catch one last glimpse of his wife and 4-year-old child standing on the dock.
But instead of smiling faces with tear stained cheeks, he saw water rising. 'Oh shit' he thought! I better alert the captain!
Running to the control room, he shouted to all his seamen. "Guys, guys, everyone, listen! We're taking on water! Something's going wrong! Get your lifejackets or we're all going to drown!"
Mass hysteria ensued, as the sailors all scrambled to find their life vests, lest they all sink down to the bottom of the ocean.
With a dozen seamen all running behind him, he reached the Captain. Panting from yelling and running and the sheer terror of the situation, he blurts out "Cap'n! We're going down! We're all going to die! I looked outside the window in my cabin, and we were already falling below sea level!"
The Captain looks back with a defeated posture. "Piper, you fucking idiot. We're on a submarine".
Well this update has been just delightful cobbling together. That vid with the naked crack ho pissing and shitting on the guys car will stay with me for a while though. Sadly, we just don't have that sort of fuckery in my suburb. Plenty of druggos and the like but they don't get much worse than arbitrarily kicking in car panels and door knocking for cash to buy meth.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm has been know to flow there from time to time.
-Check out the archives. My lifes work.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Gotta be happy with that.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will arbitrarily kick in your car panels and door knock your house for cash to buy meth
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2020.01.23-20.24
Welcome to Scrabble is a piece of shit.
I've been giving some thought to why I found this update particularly challenging to put together and then it hit me. It wasn't the update at all. It's the noise. The past 2 weeks have been pure, inescapable, cringey noise overload. Also I was forced to play Scrabble several times last week. I fucking HATE Scrabble. At this point I'm reasonably sure its had a psychological effect on me so if you hear about some guy committing suicide by covering himself in feces and using a funnel to fill his rectum with Huntsman spiders that was probably me.
That said, the update has turned out exceptionally well. So... happy for you guys. Check it...
Woman Weightlifter goes to the Doctors and says "I've been taking steroids and grown a penis". Doctor asks "Anabolic?" She replies, "No, just a penis!"
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A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next-door neighbour's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs. She finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking; what have you been doing?" She says "I've put the dog in our backyard, let's see how they like it!!
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I asked the wife "How come this loaf of bread has your name on it?" She said "Where?" I pointed "There! Ooops, sorry, my mistake. It says Thick CUT".
--
A man walks into a restaurant, he sees the special of the day, is cold stew and asks the waitress for a bowl of it. The waitress says "Sorry the guy at the next table just got the last bowl". "That's fine" he replies "I'll just have a cup of coffee" as he sits drinking the coffee, he notices the guy at the next table eating a sandwich drinking a coffee but not touching the stew. He leans in and asks "are you going to eat that?" "No, no, you can go ahead". the man says. He takes the stew and starts eating, not great, but not terrible, and it's free. About half way through the bowl he comes across a dead rat at the bottom of the bowl, he up and vomits back into the bowl. The guy at the next table leans over and says "Yea, that's how far I made it".
--
Scott Morrison has his name shortened to Scomo. Does this mean that Anthony Albanese should be Anal?
--
A famous admiral and an equally famous general were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down both eminent warriors were struggling helplessly in the water. The admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the general, using an oar. Catching his breath, he puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can't swim I'd be disgraced. "Don't worry" the general said. "Your secret is safe. I'd hate to have my men find out I can't walk on water".
--
Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says "Mas-tur-bate". Miss Rogers smiles and says "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful". Sarah says "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".
--
I just migrated from Syria a couple of months ago. This is a strange land. I was having sex with a woman just last night, but she kept screaming another man's name the whole time. Who is this Rape guy anyway?
--
The sales girl at the sex shop didn't bat an eyelid when a customer purchased an artificial vagina. "What are you going to use it for?" she asked. "That's none of your business" answered the customer, beetroot red and thoroughly embarrassed. "Calm down sir" smiled the sales girl "the only reason I'm asking is that if you're going to eat it, then there's no GST".
--
I was going through a few magazines the other day down at the local Mosque. I was really enjoying myself. Then the rifle jammed.
A lawyer calls his largest client to his office for an important meeting. When he arrives, the lawyer says to the wealthy art collector client "I have some good news and some bad news". The client: "I've had an awful day. Tell me the good news". Lawyer: "Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today. She believes they are worth at least $3 million". "Well done!" the tycoon says with a big smile. "Good news indeed! You've made my day. So, what's the bad news?" "The two pictures are of you having sex with your secretary".
--
I just realised... the word "nothing" is a palindrome. "Nothing" reversed is "Gnihton". Which also means nothing.
--
I just got home from work early and found the missus on a porn site. She'd better have a bloody good explanation when she gets home!
--
A sprightly 101-year-old cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbour that the secret of living a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the ripe old age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great grandchildren, five great-great grandchildren... and a 40-foot HOLE where the crematorium used to be.
Three guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years. I grant you each 3 wishes".
The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars". *POOF* he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact $1,000,000,003.50.
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive". *POOF* he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over $100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life". *POOF* his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth". *POOF* a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want". *POOF* his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die". *POOF* now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die". *POOF* his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him anymore.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever". *POOF* he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth". *POOF* he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.
First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years".
Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed".
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up".
WHEN THE OPPORTUNITY REVEALS ITSELF... YOU CAN'T NOT LOOK!
I think, I'm going to lose my driver's license... and all just because of a stupid police officer. The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:
OFFICER: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!" ME: "I assure you, I did not drink anything". OFFICER: "Okay, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?" ME: "A car". OFFICER: "Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?" ME: "I have no idea!" OFFICER: "So, you're drunk". ME: "But I didn't drink anything". OFFICER: "Okay, one more test - imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you. What is it? ME: "A motorcycle". OFFICER: "Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?" ME: "I have no idea!" OFFICER: "As I suspected, you're drunk!"
Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.
ME: "So... counter question - you're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?" OFFICER: "A prostitute of course". ME: "Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"
Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...
A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope.
There he was stood in a big long queue with a rather expensive suit on - hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps speak a few words with him.
The Pope made his way slowly down the queue and walked right past the American, not even noticing him. He then stopped next to a tramp, leaned over, whispered something in the tramp's ear, and made his way on again.
This pisses-off the American and so he agrees to pay $1000 to the tramp in exchange for his ragged suit, in the hope that the Pope will speak to him the next day.
The next morning the American is stood in the queue, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words.
The Pope slowly made his way up to the American, and when he finally reached him, leaned over and spoke softly into his ear, saying: "I thought I already told you to fuck off yesterday!"
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. He waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her, he found out she was working in a whore house.
The guy says to the cabbie "Wanna make a $100?" The cabbie says "Sure, what do I have to do?"
The guy replies that all the cabbie has to do is go inside the whore house, grab his wife, put her in the back of the cab, and take them home.
The cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later, the whore house door gets kicked open, and the cabbie starts dragging out this woman who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab.
The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man "Here! Hold her!"
The man looks down at the girl and yells to the cabbie "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE!"
The cabbie replied "I KNOW. IT'S MINE... I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!"
I COULD PUT UP WITH JUST ABOUT ANYTHING AS LONG AS SHE HAS A NICE RACK!
A man, his wife and daughter are arguing about who should pop down the shops for a pint of milk.
"I'll tell you what" says the man finally "whoever speaks first has to go and get the milk".
The others agree and silence ensues.
Ten minutes later, the girl's boyfriend walks in. "Hello everyone" he says, but there is no response.
"How about a cup of tea?" Still no one speaks, so he goes over to his girlfriend, gives her a lip-smacking kiss and leads her out of the door and up the stairs.
Half an hour later he returns looking a little flushed but still no one speaks. He decides to have a bit of fun so he goes up to the wife and gives her a kiss. He can't believe she doesn't say anything, so he takes this as a 'yes' and takes her upstairs as well.
Twenty minutes later he returns feeling quite knackered. As he passes the mirror, he catches sight of his bedraggled appearance and his hair which is now sticking up in the air. Needing to tidy up, he asks "Anyone got any Vaseline?"
At that, the man jumps up from his chair and rushes to the door. "You're right" he says "a cup of tea would be nice; I'll just pop out for the milk".
At the Sunday morning church service, the minister asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was terrible and the doctors didn't know if they could help him".
You could hear a muffled gasp from all the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children" she went on "and every movement caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a very delicate operation, which lasted for over five hours, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place".
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery that was performed on Tom.
"Now" she announced in a quavering voice "thank the Lord, after six weeks, Tom is now out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely".
All the men sighed with relief.
The minister rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said "I'm Tom". The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife yet again that the word is STERNUM".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.
Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS".
The agent replied "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out".
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?" she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said "Fuck YOU!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too".
A few years ago, I was driving along the road minding my own business when I saw the flash of what appeared to be a traffic camera in my rear-view mirror. I assumed that my picture had been taken for exceeding the speed limit even though I was pretty sure that I was not speeding.
Just to be sure, I went around again and passed the same spot, driving definitely below the posted speed limit but again the camera flashed. Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the camera once more, but the camera again flashed.
I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt and expired registration!
The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened?? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, MY WIFE Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened".
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation ... she never got your email!"
Well... to the end we have come. Read this last bit you will.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. They are bulging harder than a fresh hemorrhoid. Tastier too.
-Next update will be next Thursday. I could be anywhere do anything and I always make sure the update is goes up. I'm good at literally nothing else though.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will kidnap you and force you to play Scrabble endlessly until you suffer a complete mental breakdown. Also he'll put down triple word scores and do other gay Scrabble shit ensuring you literally never win... even though the joke will be on him because NO ONE wins playing Scrabble.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and the Scrabble board. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2020.01.16-15.11
Welcome to HERE... not here.
Must be the season for shit breaking. Think I mentioned this in my words last week but holy crap the past month has been an onslaught. At last count we're at atleast 4 major appliances having had a failure of some sort. I suppose this is where being a cheapskate learning how things work has paid off and its saved me from calling out a fridge repair guy, washing machine repair guy, dishwasher repair guy and pool repair guy. Wouldn't be complete without the cars needing attention too but thankfully there's insurance and warranty to fall back on for those. The upside though is that now pretty much everything has broken in some way or other there isn't much left that can shit itself... oh yeah except the Orsm servers. Sooo smooth sailing from here on out... right?
Moving on to all whatever. What I have for you dudes this week is a perfect update perfectly befitting the middle of January perfectly. I'm sure you will ALL agree. So go forth and enjoy. Check it...
Your best friend has three girlfriends. Their names are Doe, Ray, and Me. All 3 wants to do something special so they set up some dates. Three days ago Doe kisses him. Two days ago Ray gives him vaginal sex. Yesterday, who sucks his dick?
--
Dear Dr Ruth, I'm writing to tell you my problem. It seems I have been married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years. He makes love to me regardless of what I am doing; ironing, washing dishes, sweeping, even doing email, etc. I would like to know if there is anything that ucnn hlp m wth nd f unothel gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sld mpskdli dlks; a;ld ;;'cinsely ous mdyl
--
As a policeman, I deal with rape victims daily. Women really seem to trust me when I'm in uniform.
--
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large". Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows". The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks "And what are those?" The Aussie replies with an incredulous look "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
--
Man said to the psychiatrist - I keep dreaming that I'm making love to a packet of biscuits. What sort of biscuits? Don't know what you call them, but they're square and keep breaking. Oh, that's easy, you're fucking crackers.
--
I accidentally got locked in a mirror shop last night. On the plus side, it gave me time to reflect...
--
A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She says "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?" One of the Japanese men says "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry". The waitress says "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??" One of the other businessmen replies "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"
--
A guy walks into a gas station and buys a pack of cigarettes. He pulls one out and starts smoking it. The cashier says "Excuse me sir, but you can't smoke in here". The guy says "Don't you think it's kinda dumb that I buy them here but can't smoke them here?" And the cashier replies "Not at all... we also sell condoms here".
--
Two soldiers were having a chat during their free time. First Soldier "Why did you join the army?" Second Soldier "I didn't have a wife and I loved war. So, I joined. How about you? Why did you join the army?" First Soldier "I had a wife and I loved peace. So, I joined".
--
A penguin takes his car to the shop, and the mechanic says he needs an hour to check it out. So the penguin goes across the street to the 7-Eleven to kill some time and get an ice cream. Since the penguin has no hands, the poor little guy gets the ice cream all over his beak. He returns to the mechanic and the guy tells him "Looks like you blew a seal". "Oh no" says the penguin "Its just a little ice cream".
A bloke calls his wife from the emergency department. He tells her that his finger got cut off on the building site where he works. "Oh my God!" cries the wife "The whole finger?" "No" replies the bloke "The one next to it".
--
When my wife asked me to name all my sexual partners I'd ever had, I had to think back to when I was 16. I took a couple of minutes to list them off and eventually got to my wife. Looking back, that's where I should have stopped.
--
To the person who stole my glasses. I will find you. I have contacts.
--
I recently picked a new GP. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age (I've just reached 73). A little concerned about that comment I couldn't resist asking him "Do you think I'll live to be 85?" He asked "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer wine or hard liquor? "Oh not much grog these days and don't smoke" I replied. "I'm not doing drugs either!" Then he asked "Do you eat rib-eye steaks burgers ribs? "I said "Not really... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun? Like playing golf boating sailing surfing hiking or bicycling?" "No I don't" I said. He asked "Do you gamble drive fast cars have a lots of sex?" "No" I said. He looked at me and said "Then why the fuck do you want to live to 85 then?"
Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.
They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Mick says "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?"
Without a word Paddy slips over the side, only to find himself standing in water up to his knees. "Dis'll neva do, Mick. Let's row some more".
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again, but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.
Again Mick asks Paddy "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?" Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says "No, dis'll neva do". The water was only up to his chest.
So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface, gasping for breath. "Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?"
ALPHA: Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work".
BETA: Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work". It is worth noting that "Release 1.0" can also be translated as "still doesn't work but rent was due".
COMPUTER: Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format" error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy began working for IBM.
CPU: Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a old machine, a ferret if it's more recent and a ferret on speed if it's a "performance model".
DEFAULT DIRECTORY: Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to. The default directory exists in part to ensure you lose some important files when you (or a virus) reformat your hard drive.
ERROR MESSAGE: Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings.
FILE: A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet - except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.
HARDWARE: Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered, often without breaking.
HELP: What we all need. Actually, it is the feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything... but now it's their fault and they should buy more RAM.
INPUT/OUTPUT: Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognisable junk.
INTERIM RELEASE: A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance.
MEMORY: Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.
PRINTER: A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
PROGRAMMERS: Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create "user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.
REFERENCE MANUAL: Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.
SCHEDULED RELEASE DATE: A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.
USER-FRIENDLY: Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.
USERS: Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor. Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.
*NOVICE USERS: People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer. *INTERMEDIATE USERS: People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it. *EXPERT USERS: People who break other people's computers.
I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!
For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow. It was a beautiful ceremony. However, I did find some things strange.
For instance, the priest never said "You may now kiss the bride" but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.
As we passed, they all said in unison "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned.
As we walked away, I asked "Why did they tell us to kiss and not the priest?" My wife answered "In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"
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There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years". "Yeah" she replied "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together".
"I know" the old man said "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago". "Well" Granny snickered "What do you say... should we get naked?"
The couple stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey" the little old lady breathlessly replied "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago".
"I wouldn't be surprised" replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal".
Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.
She says "God bless mummy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa".
He asks her "Why did you say that?" "I don't know, I just felt like saying it".
The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.
A month later at bedtime, the daughter says "God bless mummy and daddy. And goodbye grandma".
Sure enough, the next day grandma breathes her last earthly breath!
The dad realises this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure what to do. He doesn't want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and grandpa were her parents).
Months go by and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime.
"God bless mummy..." she turns her head and looks straight at him "and goodbye daddy".
"WHAT!? Are you sure honey?" She nods.
The man's heart begins racing and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset that he can't sleep at all that night.
The next day he goes off to work, but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings and awaits the inevitable.
He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally, it is midnight and, drenched in sweat, he realises he has cheated death. He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled.
His wife is up and waiting for him.
"Where the hell were you today??!" He replies "Please don't shout. I've had an absolutely miserable day".
His wife then says "YOU had a miserable day!? I'M the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman drops dead on the steps..."
Fatima, my second wife was hairy - VERY hairy in those special places.
I arrived home from the pub and went into the bedroom. The wife was listening to her favourite music and in the half-light, I could just see she was naked. I quickly stripped off and lay on the bed. My hand moved over and I started to stroke.
"You are getting so hairy down there Fatima. Very soft and furry".
My hand began to wander.
"You are very tight, Fats. But a little dry".
I started to gently rub. Fatima said sleepily "That's the cat. I'm further over".
Fatima also loved phone sex. She would put the phone on vibrate and get all her friends to call. I came home and Fats was chatting to someone on her mobile. I went over and kissed her on the cheek.
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A wealthy Arab Sheikh was admitted to the hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, they needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.
Finally, a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a Thank-you card and a box of Chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a Thank-you card and a box of Chocolates".
To this the Arab replied: "Aye Laddie, but I have Scottish blood in me veins now".
A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It's 7:07 am.
He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside, he notices bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.
The man thinks "Hmm... all these sevens... I think the universe is trying to tell me something".
So, feeling that maybe this is his lucky day, the man cuts out early from work and goes to the race track. He reads the racing schedule and sees that in the seventh race horse # 7 is called "Lucky Universe". The man can't believe it. He runs up to the teller and bets all his money on the horse.
A frustrated customer calls tech support with a very tricky problem. She cannot print blue; it just doesn't show up. All the other colours print fine, except blue, which is very unusual.
The tech support person on the other end tries everything he can think of to help the customer. He asks her to reinstall the program, to reboot the computer, to turn the printer on and off.
None of it helped.
Finally, after hours of troubleshooting, he asks the customer if she can send a photo of her computer, the sys info screen, a screen shot of what she is trying to print and a photo of the printed result, the printer settings, the cable connections and everything on her computer desk.
She forwards the pictures by email and on receipt he instantly understands what the problem is and tells her "From now on, print on white paper instead of blue!"
Aaaand DONE. Can only speak for myself when I say I'm satisfied and gratified. Also quite like how those two words rhyme and wanted to use them in a sentence together.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there from time to time... and when I don't get a temp FB ban for posting someting like this. I've genuinely seen more provocative sexuality in a nursing home.
-Check out the archives. Or don't. You're a gigantic piece of shit if you go with the latter though.
-Next update will be next Thursday. ??
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will get this whole "Okay, Boomer" thing going with you... even though you aren't a Boomer... because he doesn't quite understand the meaning or correct usage. Look, my point is he will "Okay, Boomer" you frequentlly and it'll get fucking annoying fucking quickly.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and death to toxic cunts. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
Quite a bumpy start to the new year. Three out of four down with various ailments, I stupidly hurt my back lifting something probably twice my own weight, crazy time demands have well and truly reared their ugly head and there are people actively making my life hell. On the plus side, I've been drunk at least 4 times since Christmas so despite all the shit, still feel like I'm out on top.
Orsm Videos. Have been an ongoing source of issues for ages. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. Work perfectly for some and not at all for others. I've had all sorts of people tweak, tinker and fuck around with various things to no avail. So, this is a heads up to you guys to say I'm FINALLY going to invest some serious energy towards putting a new, RELIABLE system in place. Going forward this year I'm reclaiming Fridays as a 'work' day; for the last few years I was only doing Monday-Thursday's... sure, upwards of 14 hours on those days which is sort of only enough to get the update done each week. Hopefully with an additional day to do my thing I'll be able to get things running smoothly.
Fires. Did get a couple of emails wishing me safe. Cheers to you guys. Whilst it does appear that most of Australia is ablaze, thankfully there are no fires anywhere near me. Also, if anyone is to blame for the fires, it's the Greenies.
Alright dudes. Its time to get fresh with a brand-new update. If my calculations are correct, you'll reach a state of pure, orgasmic ecstasy long before you hit the end. Check it...
A Muslim woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her "The driver just insulted me!" The man says "He can't get away with that! You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you".
--
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to him and says "I didn't know you were into earrings". "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring" he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask "So, how long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in my car".
--
Had my first gig as a stand-up comedian at an old people's home last night. They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves.
--
Lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed. The cowboy grinned and said "Shur is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?" The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning, she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said "Well, thankya, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before". "Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit".
--
The barmaid screamed and yelled "Quickly, does anyone know CPR?" I raised my beer and shouted "I know the whole fucking alphabet!" Everyone laughed... well, except for the guy on the floor....
--
"You'll be fine" the doctor said after finishing the young woman's surgery. "But" she asked "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?" The surgeon seemed to pause and his face reddened as a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye. The girl was alarmed. "What's the matter doctor? I will be all right, won't I?" He replied "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no-one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out".
--
My fat wife of 30 years winked at me and said that we should have sex with the lights out tonight. And she wonders why I'm afraid of the dark.
--
I'm not saying the queues at the Hospital Emergency Department were bad... but there was a guy in there with a particularly nasty musket wound...
--
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values. Bill said "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Larry replied "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"
My wife went off tonight. She insisted that I need to pay more attention to the world and to what's going on around me. I said "Yeah... yeah! Okay, okay, I promise". So, in 2010, I'm going to try harder.
--
I called my boss this morning and said "I won't be coming in today. The car won't start". "What about the bus?" he asked. I said "I haven't got a bus".
--
The headmaster told me my son was thrown out of his Maths lesson because he refused to write down any number made up of 1s and 0s. I had to explain it's because he now identifies as non-binary.
--
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
Dave was bragging to his boss one day "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them".
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff "Okay, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it".
So, Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical.
After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else" Dave says. "President Trump" his boss quickly retorts. "Yup" Dave says "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington" and off they go.
At the White House, Trump spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up".
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House, he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis" his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years". So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope".
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'"
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the unsympathetic driver told him to get the fuck out of his cab.
He had no choice but to walk all the way to the airport.
Some time rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver.
So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" He asks. The driver says "$15" "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says "Get the fuck out of my cab".
So, he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15" "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab.
He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks "Hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds "$15" The guy hands him $15 and says "great let's go!"
And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.
I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...
Dear Dad' It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy.
She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, dad.
She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.
She sure deserves it!
Don't worry dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.
I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in Monaghan's flat in Dungarvan when Sean O'Toole loses €700 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Michael Lennon looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Sean's wife. Who will it be?"
They draw straws.
Cavan Colquhoun picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet and gentle and not to make a bad situation any worse." Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet! Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me" announces Cavan.
He goes over to O'Toole's house and knocks on the door.
Mrs O'Toole answers and asks what he wants. Cavan declares: "Your husband just lost €700 and he's afraid to come home."
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A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anaesthetic after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought you agreed not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself".
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathised because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.
The devil welcomes him and says "Let me show you around a little bit". They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys". The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says "No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!"
They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?".
They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn't be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don't want anyone to be lonely!"
As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulphur is in the air.
Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?" The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the Christians, I don't know why, but they prefer it that way".
A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is humbler, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.
The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable resource to have. The first kingdom sends 100 of its finest knights, clad in the best armour and each with their own personal squire. The second kingdom sends 50 knights, with fine leather armour and a few dozen squires of their own. The third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire.
The night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and party into the late hours of the night. The knights in the second kingdom aren't as well off, but have their own supply of grog and drink well into the night.
In the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and swings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. He fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight.
The next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hungover and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old weary, unable to get up.
In place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. The battle lasts long into the night but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing - the squire from the third kingdom.
And it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
FLAGRANT DISREGARD FOR THE SUN DOES HAVE AN UPSIDE 😎
A modern-day cowboy named Ken has spent many days crossing the South Dakota prairies without water. His horse had already died of thirst. He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie named Patty, but she is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull grey outfit. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie, "you know how I work. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this," said the Cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an IRS genie."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right. "OK! I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink."
*POOF* The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen, and he's surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"Okay, cowpoke, what's your second wish?"
"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."
*POOF* The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
" Okay, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says, "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
*POOF* He was turned into a tampon.
Moral of the story: If the U.S. Government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A scientist is driving along the highway, and sees a rabbit lying on the road after it had just been run over. He stops to check it out.
Since he just happens to be researching a formula to bring dead things back to life. He takes a can of his formula over to the dead rabbit, and sprays it on the rabbit.
Nothing happens.
He heads back to his car, grabs another can from the glove box, and again sprays the rabbit. The rabbit quickly comes back to life, somewhat stunned but alive nonetheless.
It starts hopping away, then stops and waves at the scientist, hops a few feet, stops and waves. It keeps hopping and waving until it disappears into the bushes.
The scientist is puzzled as to why the first can failed but the second worked. He looks at the label...
A gay couple, Jeremiah and Timothy, are traveling on a plane.
"What if we had sex?" asks Jeremiah. "Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward. Everyone would watch us doing it..." "Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
Jeremiah stands up and asks loudly: "Could I have a napkin, please?"
Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. Flight attendants pretend to not hear them, as they also don't give a damn.
"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Timothy.
So, Jeremiah and Timothy have wild sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.
"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!" "I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a napkin and he got fucked in the arse..."
The farmer and his wife are entertaining the local bigwigs when their son runs in and announces to his father in a loud voice "Dad, dad, the bull's fucking the cow".
After a moment of shocked silence, the farmer turns to his son and calmly says "Next time, son, be a little less explicit. You should have said: 'The bull is surprising the cow'. That sort of language comes from associating with riff-raff!"
Lo and behold, the following week the farmer and his wife are entertaining again when their son rushes in.
"Dad, dad, the bull is surprising the cows". "Well done, son, you've remembered what I told you, but you should have said the bull is surprising the cow... it can only surprise one cow at a time, you know".
"But he can, dad" insists the boy "He's surprising the fucking horse".
Well... fucking there you go for update #2 for the year. Only a cheeky 48 or so to go until this year is done too. May as well be tomorrow at this rate..........
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there... sporadically.
-Check out the archives. Literally every update ever lives there. So that's like 1 a week for the past 10+ years and once every 2 weeks before that multiply by 20 years and its over 1000 by now surely. Or if you convert it to the imperial syetm... A LOT.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Please be warned update time will be fluid. Good chance I'll be away from reliable internet access.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will make you his own personal profiterole.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and keep your testicles clean. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2020.01.02-15.30
Welcome to 2020.
Fucking here we are. A new decade and a new update. Both obviously very significant things.
I'm going to keep it as brief as possible today because its far too early in the year for anything else.
I started my new job today. My boss handed me a fiver and said "First things first, I need you to go down to the shops and buy me a glass hammer, a skirting board ladder and a bubble for a spirit level" I laughed and said "Do you really think I'm that stupid" He sniggered "What do you mean" I said "That lot is going to cost more than a fiver!"
--
I asked the librarian if there were any books on discrimination against people in wheelchairs. She replied "Yes, up the stairs, on the top shelf to the left".
--
My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. "How are you mate?" "Yeah I'm okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing". I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21-year-old twin daughters lying naked on the bed. I said "Your dads sent me up here to have sex with both of you. They respond "Get away with ya... Prove it". I shouted downstairs "Hey, mate! Both of them?" He shouted back "Of course both of them! What's the point in fucking one?"
--
After suffering depression for a long while, me and my wife decided to commit suicide together yesterday. Strangely enough, once she had killed herself I felt a lot better, so I thought... soldier on...
--
I tried to persuade my girlfriend to have sex on the hood of my Honda Civic but she refused. She said "If I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord". And now she isn't talking to me because, apparently, I ruined her birthday. I'm not sure how I did that - I didn't even know it was her birthday...
--
A redneck lion had to appear at the courthouse to prove he had been a good ruler of the animal kingdom. He was nervous about his first day in court, but his friends told him he'd be all right if he just focused on the questions the judge asked and answered them as best he could. The lion dressed up in his very best suit, and got to court right on time. He smiled at the judge and was very polite. He was a little shocked when the judge asked him "Are you a lion?" "No, madam" stammered the lion. "I swear, I'm telling the truth!"
--Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing. The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you." The first guy responds, "Well, I guess its the least I could do. After all, I was married to her for 40 years."
--
If only the young man had been more sexually experienced and better read! When she asked him if he fancied something from the Karma Sutra, he replied "Thanks, but not for me. Indian food makes me shit like nobody's business!".
--
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
--
My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila. "You're coming home now!" she screamed. "No, I'm not" I laughed. She said "I'm not talking to you I'm talking to the kids".
--
The shit just kept happening to me yesterday... first my ex got hit by a bus. And then I lost my job as a bus driver.
--
"Oh, doctor" he said "my wife thinks she's a chicken". The doctor gasped "That's terrible. How long has she been like that?" The husband replied "Three years". The doctor was horrified "Three years! Why didn't you bring her to me sooner?" The husband said sheepishly "Because we needed the eggs".
My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked the dinner, so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
--
There's a new edition of Monopoly out. Its called Millennial Monopoly. You just move around the board paying rent, and you never have enough to actually buy anything.
--
A man walking down the street meets an old friend with only one arm. "Where are you off to?" says the man. "I'm going to change a light bulb". "Isn't that difficult with one arm?" "Why? I've still got the receipt"...
--
The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters. So Trump can't tweet them.
A man wakes up in a slum with no memory of how he got there.
He wanders around aimlessly before he finds even one person who will talk to him. Some ratty beggar on the street turns out to be nice enough to explain where he is.
"You're in the afterlife!" he tells the man "But you must have been a real shithead when you were alive, because this is the fourth ring, and only the worst people come here".
All of a sudden, a siren goes off, one of those air-raid things. The man is terrified but the beggar gets up calmly and leads him to a big, dilapidated warehouse where thousands of other similarly unkempt souls are gathering. When the man asks why they're all here, the beggar points to a line of folding tables against the wall. Each table has some mouldy bread, cups of dingy water, and some bowls of broth so thin they could have just run out of cups. Only then does the man realise how hungry he is. A guard in heavy body armour blows a whistle and all the people arrange themselves into three lines.
The beggar is helpful enough to explain them for the man.
"That one's the bread line, that's the broth line, and that's the water line. All the food here is free, but if you want to get out of this maggot hole, you've got to work, because the gate guards into the third ring ask five hundred dollars to get through. I've heard the food is better there".
So, the man gets his food. It's abominable, and right then and there, he vows to make five hundred dollars and get into the third ring. Unfortunately for him, very few people need work in the afterlife, especially when all of them are saving up to emigrate. Even still, after ten years of hard work, eating the mouldy bread and indistinguishable soup and water, he finally saves up enough money. The guards let him through and he finds himself in the third ring. It's nothing too fancy, if anything, it's a bit below average for a real city, but to his eyes it is paradise. All the guards look much friendlier, and the houses and buildings, while not spacious or lavish, are at least up to code. And to his surprise, he runs right into a familiar former beggar as he crosses the street.
"What are the odds?" they both ask and they get to conversing. The beggar, it turns out, only managed to make it in himself a few months back.
Their conversation is interrupted, however, by what sounds like a school bell. When the man seems confused, the beggar leads him to what looks like a giant gymnasium. Here, people are gathering once again, and the man begins to understand. On a line of folding tables against one wall are stacks of hot dogs, big bowls of salad, and solo cups full of fresh lemonade. A cop shouts for everyone's attention and directs them all to stand in three lines. The beggar smiles at the man's wonder and points to each line in turn. "That's the hot dog line, that's the salad line, and that's the lemonade line". The man gets in each line in turn and gets himself his lunch.
While he's eating, basking in joy at not being stuck with old bread and water, the beggar encourages him "The best part is, halfway through the year, they switch from hot dogs, salad, and lemonade to chicken, chili, and hot chocolate. You can never get tired of it!"
Sadly, this proved not to be true. After only a few days, the man did again get tired of the same meal every day. But he knew firsthand that he could change his lot, so one day he went up to the wall of the second circle. This time the guards were asking for ten thousand dollars. Well, the man didn't like it, but he figured he had his whole afterlife ahead of him now that he was out of the fourth circle, and he could certainly take some time to save up. After ten years of hard work, it wasn't too difficult for him to keep up the work ethic, and only twenty years later, he went back to the guards of the second ring with the money in hand. He went through the gate and found himself in a glittering, clean city full of glass and steel.
And wouldn't you know it, but there, standing across the street was the same beggar, only now he was wearing a well-fitted suit. The man greeted the beggar as an old friend and they started talking again. Once again, their conversation was interrupted, only this time it was by beautiful church bells. "Come" the beggar told him "I'll take you to the evening meal". So the man followed and they entered a glamorous ballroom filled with beautiful attendees. Even the cops here looked good, dressed in suits and sunglasses like bodyguards. And sure enough, piled onto platters on huge mahogany tables against the far wall were plates of steak, bowls of the most delicious seafood soups, and glasses of champagne. One of the bodyguards cleared his throat loudly and politely requested that the attendees line up. Three lines were formed and the beggar pointed each line out in turn. "That's the steak line, that's the soup line, and that's the champagne line" and then he added "and apparently here, they change the meals FOUR times a year!"
The man rejoiced, ate, and was happy, and for once felt that nothing was lacking. Four changes a year was enough for him. But one day, out of curiosity, he went up to the bodyguards that guarded the gate into the first and final ring of the afterlife and found they were asking for a million dollars to pass. Well the man was a bit disturbed by this, after all, the second ring seemed perfect to him. "What is it" he thought "that could possibly be more wonderful than what I have here?" That question haunted him for weeks until he came to a conclusion. He was used to working hard and he had all of eternity to save up, so he wanted, just once to see what he could possibly be missing in the first ring.
Fifty years later, he returned to the guards with a million dollars. When he stepped into the first ring he fell to his knees. The architecture was glorious and inhuman, and the bodyguard had turned into shining angels. To his surprise, someone helped him up off the street and when he looked, he realised he recognized who it was--it was the beggar he met in the fourth ring, adorned in a golden robe and glowing, and when he looked down at himself he realised he looked much the same.
The beggar laughed jovially. "I got here only three years ago myself, but somehow I knew you would be right here behind me. I've come back to this gate every day waiting for you to make it in!" Suddenly, the air was filled with the sound of angelic choirs and the beggar led the man off to a gigantic palace made of crystal and cloud. The room was filled with radiant citizens of the first circle and angels prepared everything. Sure enough, there was a line of massive altars against one wall, spilling over with glistening golden dragon meat, a pudding refined from clouds and dew and silk, and an ice-cold tub of ambrosia and nectar ladled out individually into blindingly beautiful crystalline chalices. An angel fluttered from the ceiling and bowed silently to the assembled mass, who bowed respectfully back and then broke themselves into their lines on their own.
Smiling at the tradition, the beggar pointed to the first line. "That's the line for the dragon meat" he said before turning to the next line "and that's the line for angel dust stew" then he paused, confused.
"What is it?" the man asked his old friend. The beggar replied "There appears to be no punchline".
A man walks down a country lane and comes across this huge hole in the middle of the road.
He decides to see how deep it is and throws a small stone in, waits for the noise when it hits the bottom... nothing.
He looks around, finds another, larger stone and chucks that in... still no sound comes from the hole.
The man looks for something bigger and sees an old millstone next to the gate of a nearby field. Using all of his strength, manages to roll the millstone over to the hole and drops it in.
He listens out for the sound when suddenly there is a noise from behind him.
He jumps out of the way just in time to see a charging goat run from out of the field and fly straight down the hole! Quite shocked, the man sits down and tries to catch his breath, after all, he'd nearly been knocked down this hole by a goat!
A few minutes later, a farmer comes down the lane in his tractor, and stops to look at the hole.
"You should have seen what just happened!" says the man "I was just standing here, looking into the hole, when this huge white goat came charging at me! I managed to jump out of the way, but it fell in the hole!"
"That's very strange" says the farmer, that sounds like my Goat, Billy. But it couldn't have been him, He's in that field over there, tied up to an old millstone..."
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous.
Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey where am I?" To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane". The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East".
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.
While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season football tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said "What would you do?"
The cabby said... "I'd cover his arse with that blanket before he catches a cold!"
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Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused a new member, Frank, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would surely know what he was doing.
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night...
A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover's spot, famous for all obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"
The cop says: "What are you doing?"
The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine".
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater".
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane... and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says "I'm 22, sir".
The cop asks: "And her... what's her age?" The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes".
A Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, and an Englishman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land. They were lined up against a wall in front of a firing squad. The leader of the captors said "We're going to shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish".
The Scotsman responds "I'd like to hear "Scotland the Brave" played by the massed bagpipes of the Gordon Highlanders just one more time to remind me of the auld country.
The Irishman replies "I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the green hills of home, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell.
The Welshman answers "I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the valleys, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir".
The Englishman says quickly "I'd like to be shot first".
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Puddles the duck walks into a bar and says to the barman "Got any lemons?" "No, I haven't" says the barman, so Puddles walks out.
The next day Puddles walks into the bar and says to the barman "Got any lemons?" Again, the barman replies "No I haven't" so again Puddles walks out.
The next day Puddles walks into the bar and again says to the barman "Got any lemons?"
The barman is getting a bit annoyed now and says to Puddles "Look dickhead, ask if I've got any lemons again and I'm gonna nail your bill to this counter!!" Puddles, looking shocked, quickly walks out.
The next day Puddles walks into the bar and says to the glowering barman "Have you got any nails?"
"No!" says the barman. "Oh" says Puddles "Got any lemons?"
Giuseppe walks into work and says "Ey, Tony! You know who's-a George Washington?" Tony says "No, Giuseppe, who's-a George Washington?" He says "Hah! George-a Washington's the first-a President of-a United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a US-a citizen".
A couple of days later, Giuseppe walks into work and says. "Ey, Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?" Tony says "No, Giuseppe, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?" He says "Hah! Abraham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a US-a citizen".
A guy in the back of the shop yells "Yo, Giuseppe... you know who Fishlips Lorenzo is?" He says "No. Who's-a Fishlips Lorenzo?" The guy yells "Dat's da guy who's bangin' your wife while you're in night school".
And we're done. Pretty damn good way to start the new year if you ask me. But you didn't so there's that...
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. Better than .. being humiliated.
-Next update will be next Thursday. It's kind of a thing; Thursday's.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will milk you [you can milk anything with nipples].
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems aaaaaaaaand enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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