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| orsmupdate 2011.09.29-18.29 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. You sound like a fuck.
Another birthday done and dusted and out of nowhere I'm wondering what now? What is the world expecting from me? Am I getting better with age? And, do I need to change my tampon because a heterosexual Aussie bloke should never contemplate such things? It's not an emo breakdown. Some self-reflection probably isn't a bad thing. As Ferris said "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it". Makes sense but I'll leave the holistic analysis of my triumphs and challenges for later in the year. In the meantime let's focus on the day to day issues...
Nine months - a procrastination record even for me. That's about how long it's been since I was able to print anything with relative ease. With a new PC and switch to Windows 7 late last year, my 2002-era printer essentially became defunct thanks to lack of driver [software] support. Any normal person would've just toddled down to the local whatever, picked a shiny one and gone on their merry way... but that's not how I roll, making things hard is my sport. Every option and configuration must be considered followed by an exhaustive search for the best possible deal. Every now and then I'd take a few hours to research - being able to print text and scratchy pictures was fine but these days you have cooler toys such as wireless, auto doc feeders, multifunction, photo printing, iPhone support and so on. Of course not really needing any of these features, I needed absolutely all of them and being unable to find a printer that ticked all the boxes that was within a reasonable price range halted the search time and again.
Jump to this week and the new quest for PC speakers was on following an inexplicable 'frying' a few weeks back. The realisation I could be without audio for as long as I've been without a printer kicked in and after a tiresome process involving quite a bit of mind-changing and covering everything from 5.1 digital this, multiple connection that and remote control blah blah, I settled on a set that will make noise as required. The next day I chose a printer that will print as required. My point? People have actual problems yet I manage to complicate the simplest crap. Funny thing is when someone brings me a question I'm a mother fucking problem solving savant. Clearly I'm retarded.
Alright let's try and squeeze in some more info about my activities that you guys will be just as happy having scrolled past to get to the cool stuff...
Had planned to make Friday a cool do-some-of-my-favourite-things-because-its-my birthday day but didn't quite pan out that way. Firstly there was a couple of hours socialising with friends who are all mothers which basically means a lot of baby-centric conversation. Quick shop for food and then off to see Horrible Bosses which was actually much funnier than expected. Definitely worth a trip to the cinema or illegal download at very least...
Saturday began in usual busy fashion. First on the agenda was a thorough in and out cleansing of the vehicle followed by rapid preparation of a potato salad that I'm coerced [read: forced] into making for any barbecue to which I'm invited. Matter of fact that may be the only reason I'm invited sometimes. From there it was off to a friend's place for the football. West Coast versus Geelong and as predicted, we did go down leading to a Geelong versus Collingwood grand final this coming weekend. Dear god, please make Collingwood lose because they suck and we hate them. Amazingly had a few hours to myself after that and managed to get a few pestering chores out of the way before catching up with friends for birthday cake... so good that I feel fatter just thinking about it.
Had a family do Sunday morning. It's rare that everyone gets together these days but with four fam birthdays in the space of a week covering four generations it was a nice thing. Bailed there by lunchtime to catch up with mates at a pub for an afternoon of birthday acknowledgement. Slight departure from tradition - usually like hitting a noisy restaurant and getting torched on red wine but still managed to get drunk, eat fish and chips then pass out on the couch so all good.
And with that it's time to get the update happening. I won't bother crapping on about how this is without a doubt the greatest update to ever go up containing the hottest babes, most jaw dropping videos or out of control hilarious jokes... what would be the point in that? Just see for yourselves. Check it...
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OMG Zombies! - Sexual Roleplay - Facebook BABES - Sexiest Butts - Oh So True - MMA Hotties - Loves Her Toys
Chopper Explains - Kirsten's Cans - Fucking Great - Little Cunt - Swallows It - Slow Getaway - So Creepy - Bloody Hell
EPIC WTF - Cumpilation - Holy Titties - Sucked In - Messed Up - He Can't Fly - Tough Thai's - Kayley Hotness
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely ruined our 10th anniversary.
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A distraught young man made an appointment with a psychiatrist. "I was out of town on business" he told the doctor "and I wired my wife that I would be coming home on Tuesday, instead of Wednesday. When I got in I went straight home as fast as I could, and when I got there I found her in bed screwing my best friend!" The man then broke down into uncontrollable tears. The doctor considered the problem for a couple of moments then said "Maybe she never got your telegram".
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The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face. "What's the matter!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked. "It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble" said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled 'What perfect headlights'. Then you felt my thighs and murmured 'what a smooth finish'." "What's wrong with that?" asked the driver. "Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled 'who the hell left the garage door open?'"
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"Doc, I've got this problem" the man says. "My secretary, she loves to give blow jobs. Every morning when I get to work I get a blow job. She gives me a quick one before I leave for lunch. And before I leave work at the end of the day, she really works me over". "So what seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomaniac" the man continued. "I service her every morning when we get up. I go home for a quick half hour every day at lunchtime and then we have a marathon session each night before we go to sleep". "I still don't know what your problem is" said the doctor. "Well, every time I masturbate I get these dizzy spells..."
--
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
ORSM
VIDEO
LIFE IN THE AUSTRALIAN ARMY
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to mum and dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland)...
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter, Susan.
| RILEY EVANS HAS SOME SEXY CURVES |
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DIET TIPS FROM DR YEW TOK KHAK
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats and that it... don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer. It like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain = good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HARRROOOW!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!
ORSM
VIDEO
Two guys were walking down the street one day when they came across a small pair of gym shorts on the ground. They decided to put a sign up on the church bulletin board so the rightful owner could claim them.
The first one starts to write out the sign: 'FOUND: one pair of boys gym shorts'
"Hold on" says the second "Those are girls gym shorts". "No they're not" says the first "They're boys shorts!" The second grabs them from him and takes a closer look, "No, no... definitely girls gym shorts!"
The two of them are inspecting the shorts in turns and arguing. "Boys shorts!" "No, girls shorts!" "Definitely boys shorts!"... and so on.
The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can't help but ask them what the commotion is all about. The first guy tells the priest and asks him if he could sort out the argument.
The priest takes the shorts, has a good long sniff, and after pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men and says: "Definitely boys shorts!... but not from my parish!"
| DID I MENTION THAT YOU'RE CUTE...? |
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There are two idiots who work down in a dark mine while everyone else worked up in the light.
One day the first idiot asked the other idiot "Why do we work down here in the dark and everyone else works up in the light?" The second idiot replies "I dunno, why?" "I'll go find out" said the first idiot.
So the first idiot went up to the light and the first person he came to he asked "Why do we work down in the dark while you get to work up here in the light?" The guy said "Because we have something called intelligence". "What's intelligence?" asked the idiot.
The guy went over to a wall and put his hand flat upon the surface and said "Try and hit my hand". "You sure?" asked the idiot. "Just hit it" said the man. "Okay, but it's really gonna hurt" the idiot said making a fist with his hand and swinging it at the guy's hand. Just before the idiot hit the guy's hand, the guy took his hand away and the idiot hit the wall instead. As the idiot was shaking off the pain the guy said "That's intelligence".
So the first idiot went back down to his friend. The second idiot asked "So, why do we have to work down here in the dark and they get to work up there in the light?" "Because they have something called intelligence" explained the first idiot. "What's intelligence?" asked the second idiot. The first idiot looked around but it was too dark to see a wall. So he put his hand flat on his face and said "Try and hit my hand".
| FASHION DISASTERS |
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READER MAIL
If the spectacle of Reader mail is something you'd like to be part of and have your shit immortalised in the site archives for all eternity then seriously what the hell are you waiting for? Topping the list and in high demand are nude pictures
of your slutty ex or delicious girlfriend/wife/fuck toy, fucked/funny/cool/weird/whatever videos, pictures of pretty
much anything you can take a picture of and jokes that made you laugh so hard that both shit and piss ran down your legs. All you have
to do is click here. REALLY - IT'S THAT SIMPLE.
ejh3 wrote:
Subject: Tomb of Unknown Soldier Honor Guard
Orsm, This is in response to your reader mail sent in from Austin concerning a question on the TV show "Jeopardy" about the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. Some of what Austin said is true, some is not. Great site. Thanks.. I thought you might find the following article from snopes.com interesting.
Quite a few replies about this one, including this link. Sure, I could have fact checked it for myself but that's why I keep you guys around. |
A. BC wrote:
Subject: Strange Craigslist ad...
I'm not sure if this is real but I'm all for it.
Absolutely no way that could backfire. -Orsm |
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Shane wrote:
Subject: Riot gear
If you go to a riot make sure you bring your Ham
I never leave home without it... -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Crazy Neighbor
Hey... Great Site. Here is a pic of a Crazy Neighbor that tried to ruin my life.
Please hide my info. Thanks and keep up the great work.
She tried to ruin your life by getting naked? WHAT A BITCH! -Orsm |
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Michael wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Kinda sad... even more disturbing is the likelihood that more people in America know what Jersey Shore is, but not know how to the determine the area of a rectangle (e.g. to find square footage of a space to figure out how much carpet is needed...). |
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Michael wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Pic you might like
Unfortunate. -Orsm |
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Melissa wrote:
Subject: Emailing
melissa
They are some very big... tats. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: self shot
Here's a chocolate honey with double D's from upstate NY who loves white guys. Hide my info please. |
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kirumburu wrote:
Subject: Sign Specifically Targets Spiderman
Hi O, How now can you so blatantly dicsriminate against Spiderman?
This is blatant discrimination. -Orsm |
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STEPHEN wrote:
Subject: CAREFUL
Don't mean to disturb you, but I just had to show you the tits on this girl that I am with right now.
Call me gay but her tits weren't the first thing I noticed. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Enzo in the Atlantic (pics & video)
First time caller, long time listener, yadda yadda yadda. This is the 10th year for this local rally, cars keep getting better every year coming from all over the world...and it's not very often you see a 2 million dollar Enzo pitched out in the Atlantic....use as you see fit.
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Jd wrote:
Subject: crime in SA .....
The truth about why crime is so high in SA..... It's actually embarrassing!!!!!
Keystone Cops...? -Orsm |
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Bruce wrote:
Subject: Sample
Hope this works for you... i'm excited about seeing these posted!!!
I'm a little bit intimidated by her vagina. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: uhoh
looks like the cement truck guy was having a shitty day |
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gordon wrote:
Subject: black Ho
A black Ho i was banging
The pubes need some attention. -Orsm |
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Alpha wrote:
Subject: knockhill scotland race meeting
here are some photos of the race meeting held at Knockhill in Scotland on 31st july 2011 |
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Supaduck wrote:
Subject: Irene
American East Coast after Hurricane Irene |
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Tanya wrote:
Subject: Enquiry Fwd: Pics from 'Tanya'
Hello ORSM horndogs: Some of you may remember I posted some ass pics here a few months ago for a laugh, and ended up being mercilessly encouraged by ORSM readers to go full porn. I didn't have a camera, but some generous guys helped me get one, and the result was a 300+ pics of me flashing my cooch for strangers! Here are a few shots, hope you like them, and to those of you from my first posting: thanks again for your kind/complimentary/gross/lewd/sweet words, I love it! Everyone else- pls let me know what you think of my slutty alter-ego! P.S.: I also made a couple video clips, and if enough of you ask I just might post one?!?
Previous Tanya posts can be found here, here, here, here and here. Let me speak for everyone when I say we want more! -Orsm |
Colin wrote:
Subject: The Flatmobile !
It doesn't get anymore chopped or channeled than this!!! Flatmobile has a jet engine and does 100 mph (160 km/h). Flatmobile recognized by the Guinness World Records for lowest street legal car. It stands at just 19 inches (48 cm) tall. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: gf revenge. HOT photos. (I mean it)
Hey, First off, I would like to compliment you on your fine site. I think you could find some good use for a few of these pictures. Revenge driven, simply put. Turns out she's a crazy bitch (who could have
told?!) please keep my info private. Thanks, and enjoy.
God fucking damn. I think I love her. -Orsm |
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Shane wrote:
Subject: Flannery on the mark!
Ain't no CGI in my game, just a blind fold and some unbelievable tekkers!
Impressive. -Orsm |
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freak boy wrote:
Subject: newcastle
A while ago you were complaining about the nanny state and the early closing times that were to be imposed on the west. In Newcastle it has been a reality for a couple of years and it has fucked the place up completely. Initially there was a 70% drop in patrons visiting newcastle, and for that amount of loss of business there was a 30% decrease in violence. Which was heralded a great success by politicians police and the hospital alike. The fact that these figures indicate that the ratio of violent attacks per head has actually increased is immeterial. (ie: if 3 people out of 100 were victims of violence before the curfew, there is now 2 people out of 30 that are victims of violence.) meaning you are actually more likely to be a victim of violence and less likely to be helped by anyone. So now newcastle locks up at 1 am and then spits everyone out at 3am. the public transport system is fucked there are no taxis to get anywhere because everyone needs one at once. and assholes roam the street still only half pissed pinging off there heads not yet spent. here is a fine example attached from my works cctv on hunter street. Bless those nannys... |
ORSM VIDEO
A MODERN DAY ROMANCE TALE
He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear "Just relax".
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.
When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say... "Okay mam" said a voice "All done".
My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse. "You can board your flight now."
| HAVANA GINGER HAS BIG, WEIRD TITS... BUT YOU'D STILL GO THERE RIGHT? |
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A little old lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods. Suddenly a little white duck, all covered with poop, crossed her path. "Oh, dear" the lady said "come on, I'll clean you!" She took a Kleenex from her purse and wiped the duck clean. After finishing, she urged the duck away saying "Be careful next time!"
She walked on and another duck with poop all over it crossed her way. Again she took out a Kleenex and cleaned the little duck. She warned this one as well and the duck took off. Soon after, she encountered a third duck with the same problem. "Now I've had it!" she whined, "What have you all been doing?" And for the third time she played Florence Nightingale and tended to the duck.
She continued her stroll when suddenly she heard a voice from the bushes. "Hey, you, lady!" shouted Little Johnny, sounding in some distress. "Yes?" she replied. "Do you have a Kleenex?" Little Johnny asked. "No, not anymore" she answered, "I've just used them all". "Too bad. I guess I'll just have to find another duck" replied Little Johnny.
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A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an immigrant claimant outside the social Security office."My good man" the fairy said "I've been told to grant you three wishes since you've just arrived in Australia with your wife and seven children".
The man told the fairy "Well, where I come from we don"t have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them". The fairy looked at the man"s almost toothless grin and - PING!! He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth! "What else?" asked the fairy "two, more wishes, to go".
The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with a three car garage in Sydney with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here. PING!! In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music. "One more wish left for you" said the fairy, waving her wand.
"I want to be Australian with Australia clothes instead of rags, and shawl and I want to have white skin like the Australians". PING!! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans from Target, a dirty Bonds T-shirt and a greasy baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon. "What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed. "Where is my new house? Where's my Visa Gold Card?" The fairy said "Tough luck. Now that you are Australian, you're entitled to sweet fuck all like the rest of us!"
| KYRA DELIVERS THE PINK |
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The phone rings and the lady of the house answers "Hello". "Mrs Sanders, please?" "Speaking". "Mrs Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr Sanders arrived as well... we are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good..."
"What do you mean?" Mrs Sanders asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which".
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs Sanders. "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests once". "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The Medicare Help Desk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't fuck him".
ORSM
VIDEO
Aaaaaaaaand we'rrrrrrrrrre donnnnnnnnnnnne...
- Check out the site archives. They know where you live.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Tune in if you don't want the site archives on your case.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will fill a condom with ice cream and drop it where your kids play.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and eat more fibre. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2011.09.22-18.09 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. I am Jack's 38th update for the year.
I'll start with the best example of selling yourself I've heard all week - someone saying they were a chef... found out later that she worked at McDonalds. Watch yourself Gordon Ramsay.
Of the, I don't know, 50 or 60 fam and friends that contacted me with birthday wishes, 5 or 6 of them were actually in person or by phone. The rest made up of email, SMS and [mostly] Facebook. There's serious time savings not having to go through the almost scripted 'what have you been up to?', 'are you doing anything to celebrate?' chitchatty stuff but it's all just become so impersonal. I'm as good as anyone when it comes to the 'happy birthday mate' posts but electronic acknowledgement has become a huge copout for most of us - it takes all of a few seconds to type something and hit send. You get points for not forgetting, can avoid in-person contact, don't have to buy a gift and the recipient gets to blog about how popular they are. We should probably look forward to the day other significant events are handled in such a way - weddings for instance would be all the more easy if you weren't required to get dressed up and lose 8-12 hours eating, drinking and smiling. A simple 'congrats on the nuptials mate' posted on FB and you'd have your Saturday back.
As for the actual birthday itself... nothing especially special. Woke up, walked dog, worked, friend dropped by in the afternoon then pizza and cupcakes with sis, bro-in-law, female parent and GF. Presents thus far have been minimal although there is a bunch of stuff sitting in the other room which are to be opened one per day - something to do with 'birthday week' as opposed to 'birthday day' and I'm totally cool with that.
Okay let's rip the shirt off and slide onto everything else that doesn't matter in the hope I can stretch it out for a few paragraphs and thereby fill the space...
Beginning of course with Friday because I'm good like that. After a marathon socialising session, food shopping and an afternoon a fruitless few hours researching which computer speakers I should get to replace my recently blown ones it was off to the pub for after work drinks with a whole bunch of people I don't know or work with. Up until that point in my life I was under the impression that running an adult website was up there with the more vile professions going but some of the stories shared by these guys put that to bed, needless to say I now think of the anus in a whole new way...
Kicked off Saturday with a plate of motherfucking eggs. After a bit of time wasting it was back home to begin garden annihilation 2011 - right on cue, there's a poorly timed green collection approaching so it's a case of any spare minute to butcher as many trees and branches as possible and drag them to the roadside. Late afternoon a whole bunch of us got together for the semi-final. Need I remind all the doubters about West Coasts' meteoric rise from wooden spooner's to final contenders again? WELL... last year they finished last, this year they're currently 1 game from the grand final. Anyway... honestly one of the better games I've seen in a while and even better that we won by 3 points, wiping the smile of Chris Judd's defecting little face. Oh and to minimise the 'suck shit' emails that will surely flow in next week - I'm tipping Geelong to end our season this week by 15 points.
Nothing quite like waking up on a Sunday morning and lying in bed listening to an epic storm belt down. Eventually dragged myself out and headed out to smash dim sum before house hunting. Got it in my head that it's time to start thinking about getting the hell out of this ancient, dilapidated hole and for that to happen some [read: months and months and months of] research is required. It started ages ago registering for a couple of property alert emails. Was fine at first but I now seem to be on every list for 3 days in any direction. Occasionally there's a couple worth checking and that's how the afternoon was spent. Unsurprisingly, people are asking silly money for stuff that isn't worth it and/or completely sucks. Everything else isn't in the price range so all I can really do is hope for a major economic collapse to drag things back to reality. Australia... please re-elect Julia and the world's greatest treasurer so I can afford a home.
Picked up a cooking bug that evening and put my skillz to baking muffins and a particularly awesome pan-fried gnocchi. It may be time to face facts and admit I missed my calling. Watch yourself McDonalds.
Now is probably a good time to get cracking with whatever would normally start cracking at this part of the update. I decided to kill Reader Mail this week so I wouldn't be forced to sit in front of the computer all night on my birthday. Instead you guys get the motherload of videos. Let's see if the server holds up. Check it...
Don't even think about paying for porn on the
net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on
the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn?
Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us
who get
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porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!
Knight Age - Dirty Babes - Sweeeet Posters - Dead Hookers - Tennis Asses - Thong Heaven - Pornstar - Superb Suck
Asshole Cunt - Tasty Treat - LiLo Cleav - Anal Punk - Cum Target - Meh Whatever - Tough Wifey - Pure Magic
Razor Fight - It's Just Chuck - Boobies! - Exotic Drag - Vintage Porn - Sorry Babe - Revenge - Those Tits - ORLY?
Next time I see someone wearing an eyepatch I'm going to ask them if it was all fun and games up to that point.
-
"My brother just told me that there's a sperm bank in his neighbourhood that pays $40 for a donation". "Yeah, so?" "Don't you realise?" Phil cried. "I've let a fortune slip through my fingers!"
--
Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year". Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face then at the single flickering candle then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked "Will I be acquitted?"
--
Got a text from a mate recently. It read: "Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock. It just reaches the back of her sister's throat!"
--
It was mealtime during a flight. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. "What are my choices?" the man asked. "Yes or no" she replied.
--
A white boy and a black boy were playing in a sand box. The black boy say's to the white boy "My daddy just bought a brand new Cadillac. And when you push the horn it goes 'HONK-EE, HONK-EE'!" The white boy says" Oh yeah, well my daddy just bought a brand new chainsaw and when you fire it up it goes 'RUN-NIGGA-NIGGA-NIGGA'!"
--
Brilliant in its simplicity... back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women. In three generations, there will be no Greens Party.
ORSM
VIDEO
BEER BY SEVEN YEAR OLDS
A handful of 7 year old children were asked what they thought of beer. There were some interesting responses...
"I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets" -Tim, 7 years old
"Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice" -Melanie, 7 years old
"My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny" -Grady, 7 years old
''My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing" -Toby, 7 years old
"My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much" -Sarah, 7 years old
"My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool" -Lily, 7 years old
"I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting" -Ethan, 7 years old
"I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep" -Shirley, 7 years old
"My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense" -Jack, 7 years
| EMMA MAE GETS SOME DICK |
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An Arab had spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It got so bad that his camel died of thirst. He crawled through the sands, certain that he was breathing his last breath when, suddenly, he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered that he had a Manischewitz wine bottle. It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrewed the top, and out popped a genie. BUT this was no ordinary genie. This genie appeared to be a Hasidic Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, and tzitzis.
"Vell kid" said the genie "you know how it voiks. You got three vishes". "I'm not going to trust you" says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!" "Vott'ya you got to lose? Looks ta me like you're a gonner anyvay!"
The Arab thought about this for a minute, and decided that the genie was right. "Okay I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food and drink."
**POOF**
The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever seen and he was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "Okee-dokee kiddo, vat's your second vish?" "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
**POOF**
The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare old coins and precious gems. "Okay kid, you got just vone more vish. Better you should make it a good vone!" After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will always need and want me!"
**POOF**
He was turned into a tampon.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY: If you're an Arab doing business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be a string attached.
RANDOM SHITE #1
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied "No, Lord. It isn't".
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied "No, Lord"
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied "Yes".
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked her "Why are you crying?" "Oh, Lord. My husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Brad Pitt. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes!" cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied "Oh forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Brad Pitt, you would have come up with George Clooney. Then if I had said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes', you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Brad Pitt".
ORSM
VIDEO
Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself... television, ice cream, homework, video games... but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.
The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and without comment the game resumed.
For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further interruptions.
After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle "What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him all day!" "Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to jerk off".
| SELF SHOT |
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Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. After finishing all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.
The barman says "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it... your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time". Patrick replies "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin. When we all left home we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder".
The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.
Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.
One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he goes back to the bar for the second round the barman says "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss". Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh "Oh no" he says "Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me... I've quite drinkin'!"
| THE ART OF CARRYING LOADS |
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ORSM VIDEO
If you didn't read the above bit where I said NO READER MAIL this week because I wanted the night off for my birthday then shame on you and... that's about it.
If the spectacle of Reader mail is something you'd like to be part of and have your shit immortalised in the site archives for all eternity [or until I get bored of doing this and shut Orsm down] then seriously what the hell are you waiting for? Topping the list and in demand are nude pictures
of your slutty ex or delicious significant other, fucked/funny/cool/whatever videos, pictures of pretty
much anything you can take a picture of and jokes that made you fucking shit all over the inside of your jocks. All you have
to do is click here. IT'S THAT SIMPLE.
ENOUGH TO DRIVE A SANE PERSON MAD
-You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.
-The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.
-The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
-There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.
-You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
-There's a dog in the neighbourhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
-It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realise it till you walk across your living room rug.
-The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.
-You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
-Your tyre gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.
-A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.
-There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.
-You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
-The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.
-A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling (or braces).
-You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.
-The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.
-You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.
-You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
-You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
-People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.
-Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
-You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.
-You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.
-You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it.
-You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.
| SKYLYNN |
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Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard walks into a bank and asks to cash a cheque for $2000.
Teller: "No problem, mam. Could you please show me your ID?" Julia: "Well, I didn't bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need. After all, I am the Prime Minister of Australia..."
Teller: "Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, I must insist on seeing ID". Julia says: "Just ask anyone here who I am and they will tell you. They all know who I am".
Teller: "I am sorry, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them". Julia: "Is there some other way around this?" Teller: "Look, here's what we can do... a while ago now, Cadel Evans walked in here without ID. To prove he was Cadel, he rode around the block in under 30 seconds. Another time, Harry Kewell came in without ID. He yanked out his soccer ball and kicked it just almost 300m right down the street. After that spectacular kick we cashed his cheque. So, what can you do to prove to me that you really are who you say?"
Julia stands, deep in thought for what seems like the longest time and finally says: "My mind's a complete blank. Honestly, I can't think of a single thing". Teller: "Would fifties be okay, mam?"
ORSM VIDEO
A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL #1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL #2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL #3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
"From now on when I say BELL #1 I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL #2 I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL #3 we are going to make love all night".
The next night he came home from work and yelled "BELL #1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "BELL #2!" the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL #3!" they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL #4!" "What the hell is BELL #4?" asked the husband. "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE" she replied "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!"
| KELLE MARIE |
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A farmer walked into an attorney's office. The attorney asked "May I help you?" The farmer said, "Yes, I want to get one of those dayvorces". The attorney said "Well, do you have any grounds?" The farmer said "Yep, I got about 140 acres".
The attorney said "No, do you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said "Nope, I don't have a Case... I got me a John Deere".
The attorney said "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" The farmer said "Yep, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere".
The attorney said "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" The farmer said "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays".
The attorney said "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" The farmer said "No sir, we both get up at 4:30am".
The attorney then said "Well, is she a nagger or anything?" The farmer said "No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I want this dayvorce!"
RANDOM SHITE #2
They say less is more... this is not one of those times. Check it...
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There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, scary-looking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well... whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly as I burst into tears. "Come on, man" the biker says "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life" I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me".
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve... then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
| ERIN NICOLE |
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A priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realises that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief "This is a tree". The chief looks at the tree and grunts "Tree". The priest is pleased with the response.
They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says "This is a rock". Hearing this the chief looks and grunts "Rock".
The priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The priest is really flustered and quickly responds "Man riding a bike". The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilised and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied "My bike".
ORSM
VIDEO
Well if that didn't keep you guys occupied/enthralled/amused/astounded/entertained and a whole bunch of other words that mean mostly the same thing for a few minutes then you are either impossible to please/ungrateful/my friend Ray or a whole bunch of other words that mean mostly the same thing.
- Check out the site archives because they're really good and stuff.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Shall I say it again? Shall I!??
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will lift up your windscreen wipers every time he see's your car parked somewhere.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and do what makes me happy. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2011.09.15-18.32 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Munch my rug.
So I started last update with a mention of conflict, drama, interruptions and an endless slew of phone calls - somehow this week has been the exact opposite. So much so that I almost attained the productivity level of a webmaster on a high-grade speed/ice blend. Good to know at least that if so much of my time wasn't monopolised by stuff that isn't supposed to monopolise it, I'd be done all the more earlier. Absolutely no chance of it lasting however... there's some or many things booked every weekend from now until eternity and that's without all the tasks I need to squeeze in before then, including but not limited to: substantial garden eradication, replacement of patio roof, tiling and painting the kitchen. Definitely remember saying recently that I love this time of year but suddenly I'm not sure why...
It almost managed to pass me by without any sort of acknowledgment which would have been kind of sad considering September marks 11 years since Orsm was born. 11 fucking years. Have no idea where the time has gone although reading through the archives and the crap I've crapped on about would probably give me half a clue. Duh dickhead. Updates have gone from occasional to fortnightly to weekly and I'm currently kicking around the idea of changing to daily. Changing everything that is. There's been something like 11,000 videos, 20,000 Random Shite images and over 6,000 galleries posted. I actually feel kind of lucky that shit turned out this way - life pre-Orsm was boring, dirty and monotonous and it took being well and truly t-boned by some faggot 'hooning' in his grandfather's car to put me on the wondrous path to internet pornography. Ahh bliss.
While we're on the subject of birthdays, mine is this Wednesday and I'm expecting presents to rain down upon me. That is, you guys need to pony up and make sure that my wishes for expensive electronic gadgets come true. Failure to do so may result in a retribution spiral whereby I'll be forced to hide confronting gay content randomly in updates until I'm over it. Could be months. Consider yourselves warned.
It's patently obvious that the most important part of any update is the bit I spend waffling about the activities making up my life over the past week. Always thought you guys were here for the porn or whatever but clearly it just isn't so. I get literally thousands of emails every day from people saying they live vicariously through me. Big responsibility that it is, I'll have another crack at that now.
Beginning with Friday... the day started like many before it with the sun rising at the time it was supposed to. Exercised and pottered around the house before meeting a prolonged coffee/chat/gossip session about nothing in particular. T'was back to work for the duration ahead of a birthday dinner with people unknown to me in the gigantic shit hole of a suburb called Midland. I really don't fit in out there - don't drive a Ford Falcon with 18in chrome wheels, no tattoos, don't deal drugs and never been in jail. Admittedly, as judgy as I can be [read: am], everyone at the dinner was surprisingly cool and even had a decent time. The bonfire was especially awesome...
Early start on Sat-err-day saw us hit another farmer's market thing to stock up on vegetables and the like whilst resisting urges to devour hot, fatty foods. Next stop was the coast for a stroll then home again to tune in for the some finals football. Collingwood versus West Coast, the plan was for two of us to watch the game... that two expanded to eight, included my first babysitting experience, and segued into homemade pizza and red wine extravaganza. All up a sensational night/day combo.
Finally found an hour to wash the car Sunday morning. Very, very long overdue - think that makes three times in four months... considerably less than the once a week my poor baby is used to. Mad rush to get done and out the door for a rendezvous with friends at a brewery or winery or some such for lunch which chewed up half the afternoon and home again to hangout for a few before a barbecue with another set of friends entirely. And that was the weekend. Don't see how it would have been possible to spend any more time socialising if I tried. This is not necessarily a complaint.
"Enough with the Orsm-dribble dude. No one cares. Give it up!" said the surfer. So I did. Check it...
Don't even think about paying for porn on the
net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on
the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn?
Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us
who get
it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and
accept paying for porn the less free
porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!
Addictiveee - 1000 Boobs - Dorm Posters - Taking The Piss - Scar-Jo Leaked Nudes - Bitches - Great BJ - Pussy Play
Epic Cleavage - Parenting Fail - Busted Teen - Faaaaart - Ruski Porn - Psycho Freak - Mega Swell - Perfect 10
Miss Angola - Sluts With Guns - .....? - Ball-zilla - Bit Drunk - Bootch - Gorgeous - Sista's Brawl - Sluts Cooking
I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we lay there making love, I thought "These Taser guns are well worth the money"
--
Jim stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing. Finally his exasperated partner asked "What the hell is taking so long?" "My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony" Jim explained. "I want to make a perfect shot". His companion said "You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here".
--
Thought for the day: It's not all bad news for the Australian Labor Party… at least one of their members can organise a root in a brothel.
--
A Kiwi, an American, and an Aussie were sitting around having a chat. The kiwi turns to the other and says "The Sheep in NZ are so big that they take a whole day to be shorn". The others shake their heads in disbelief until the American turns around and says "That's nothing! Back in Texas the cattle are so big it takes a forklift to turn the steaks over on the barbecue!" The other two laugh until the Aussie says "Well in Australia the women have pussy's this big (making a hand gesture that even a fisherman would be proud of)". Laughing, the other two ask "Well how do you fuck them?" The Aussie replies "They stretch!"
ORSM
VIDEO
NOTES FROM THE EDGE OF LIFE
-Dear Noah, We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5. Sincerely, Unicorns
-Dear Twilight fans, Please realise that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that. Sincerely, Logic
-Dear Icebergs, Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch. Sincerely, The Titanic
-Dear America, You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment. Sincerely, Canada
-Dear Yahoo, I've never heard anyone say "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." Just saying. Sincerely, Google
-Dear 2010, So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?! Sincerely, 1985
-Dear girls who have been dumped, There are plenty of fish in the sea... just kidding! They're all dead. Sincerely, BP
-Dear Skin-Coloured Band Aids, Please make one for every skin colour. Sincerely, Black people
-Dear Scissors, I feel your pain... no one wants to run with me either. Sincerely, Sarah Palin
-Dear Customers, Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese. Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies
-Dear Ugly People, You're welcome. Sincerely, Alcohol
-Dear World of Warcraft, Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity. Sincerely, Parents Everywhere
-Dear Batman, What was your power again? Sincerely, Superman
-Dear White People, Don't you just hate immigrants? Sincerely, Native Americans
-Dear Saturn, I liked it, so I put a ring on it. Sincerely, God
-Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn, Please lknvfdmv.xvn. Sincerely, Stevie Wonder
-Dear World, Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars end there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok? Sincerely, The Mayans
-Dear iPhone, Please stop spell-checking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut. Sincerely, Every iPhone User
-Dear Trash, At least you get picked up... Sincerely, The Girls of Jersey Shore
-Dear Man, It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it? Sincerely, Elephants
| TASTY TEEN: MICAH MOORE |
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YOU THINK ENGLISH IS EASY?
-The bandage was wound around the wound.
-The farm was used to produce produce.
-The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
-We must polish the Polish furniture.
-He could lead if he would get the lead out.
-The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
-Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present
-A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
-When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
-I did not object to the object.
-The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
-There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row...
-They were too close to the door to close it.
-The buck does funny things when the does are present.
-A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
-To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
-The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
-Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
-I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
-How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people not computers and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why when the stars are out they are visible but when the lights are out they are invisible.
ORSM
VIDEO
An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?" Martha replied "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession but said "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?''
Martha said "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?" Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha said "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge". "I recall that" said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I
can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"Alright" Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes..."
| BIG BOOBS |
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|
A twin-engine plane has an engine failure and the altitude and speed are decreasing rapidly. The pilot speaks over the intercom... "I'm sorry it has come to this ladies and gentlemen, but unfortunately we are going to have to get rid of the luggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne".
Baggage is thrown out but still the plane's speed continues to decrease. Once again the pilot gets on the intercom "I hate to do this folks, but in order to save the majority we are going to have to start off-loading some passengers. The only fair way is to do this alphabetically so we'll start with the letter 'A'... Africans? Are there any Africans on board?"
There was no answer so the pilot calls "'B'... Black people, are there any black people on board?" Again silence.
'C'... Coloured people? Are there any coloured people on board?" Dead silence.
A little black boy sitting near the rear of the plane turned to his mother and said "Mum, ain't we African? Ain't we black?" Ain't we coloured?" She replied, "Yes son... but today we is we is niggers. Let them do the Muslims first".
| SHIPPING BIG THINGS |
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|
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Anthony wrote:
Subject: Juliar... ffs
Hey orsm, Great site... regular reader... just thought you should know about the Kernohan Stat Dec being a complete crock of shit and I reckon you could tell people. I don't love Julia but facts is facts and reporting the truth seems to be optional when you work at Murdoch's papers... and this is why I just want to punch imbeciles who refer to the PM as "Juliar". aside from that I'm guessing you're a little bit of a climate skeptic? I'm not but I install solar for a living so I have a vested interest that doesn't involve coal;) Check this link, it's well put;) Cheers... keep up the good work. |
John wrote:
Subject: Well, FRY my bacon!....HURRAY for Texas pig farmer
Gotta' love this guy!! A Muslim buys eleven acres of land next to a pig farm (a family farm that has been in Houston a long time) and NOW WANTS THE PIG FARMER TO LEAVE!!?? That takes a lot of nerve! So what's the pig farmer's response to that..... PIG RACES DURING FRIDAY NIGHT PRAYERS!! I love it! Don't mess with Texas - The clip is funny - even the news crew is laughing. |
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Ed27th wrote:
Subject: World's smallest political quiz...
So, you think you know where you stand, politically, this will take you all of 60 seconds to complete - very interesting. You'll be asked just 10 easy questions, and then it instantly tells you where you stand politically. It shows your position as a red dot on a "political map" so you'll see exactly where you score. The most interesting thing about the Quiz is that it goes beyond the Democrat, Republican, and Independent.
Surprisingly accurate. -Orsm |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Excellence in Bad Taste Journalism and Headline writing..
Someone dies at Macca's and they call it a McSad. WTF?? No contact details - Thanks |
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Kirumburu wrote:
Subject: Dont Even Try!
Hi ORSM, Been a while since I contributed something. If you don't post these, I will commit death on you!
McTasteful. -Orsm |
Brad wrote:
Subject: Christmas Island
Google maps Christmas Island. Hope you can make it out
For anyone who doesn't know - Christmas Island is where asylum seekers trying to enter Australia by boat are taken. Other humorous reviews can be found here. -Orsm |
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Jeremy wrote:
Subject: Fev
Couldn't make this up
Ah Fev... not the smartest guy in the AFL bud definitely amongst the more entertaining. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Wicked Camper
Wicked camper, spotted at Rainbow Beach Queensland. Hide details.
Can't think of a single non-sexual connotation for this one. -Orsm |
Brent wrote:
Subject: Fat Chick Sticker
One of my friends caught this at a restaurant this past week. I wonder, is she fat or pregnant? Or both?
Fat, pregnant and slutty. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: ex girlfriend -Alanna
Big fan of the site. Thought you may like the pic.....enjoy. Please dont show details
Excellent fun bags. -Orsm |
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James wrote:
Subject: Choda
My buddy got married a few weeks ago at Chateau Lake Louise and spotted the car in the photo while there (check the licence plate). Not sure if it'll make the cut for your site, but feel free to use it if you like it, though I damn near passed out laughing. If unfamiliar with the definition see urban dictionary. Cheers man & thanks again! |
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Alex wrote:
Subject: Their guy
Vladimir Putin (Prime Minister of Russia). Their Guy KINDA SUMS IT UP HUH? They've got Rambo, USA got Erkel.
Have always thought Putin had too much gay about him. -Orsm |
Troy wrote:
Subject: Kynton
This is from a while ago. Taking one of my nephew's home I had to pull over. |
 |
sean wrote:
Subject: the PARROT FLOWER
No botanical garden has one on display
other than the Queen Sirikit Botanical Garden
in Chiang Mai, Thailand. This is a flower from Thailand THE VERY RARE PARROT FLOWER... although they are indeed quite rare, Parrot Flowers do exist and the
photographs are genuine. |
 |
Austin wrote:
Subject: The Jeopardy Question no one could answer?" interesting
Jeopardy Question: On Jeopardy the other night, the final question was "How many steps does the guard take during his walk across the tomb of the Unknowns" -- All three contestants missed it! -- This is really an awesome sight to watch if you've never had the chance. Very fascinating. |
 |
L wrote:
Subject: Got any spare post-it notes?
There is a post-it war going in France... it's quite interesting! Employees of Ubisoft Montreuil, located just outside of Paris, decided to decorate their windows with Post-It note pixel art. Across the street, the folks at BNP Bank saw Ubisoft's (mostly game-themed) art and decided to one-up it with some creations of their own. Challenge accepted. Before long, the windows of both buildings were covered in sticky notes. |
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SEYMORE wrote:
Subject: flats in China
There's a housing complex in Hong Kong whose 100 rooms are each ten feet square. Many people in Hong Kong live like this, it is hard to believe but it is true. Surprisingly enough, some of the tenants are very old but they are still working. Despite the fact that China is rapidly developing economy, ordinary Chinese live far from easy. |
 |
SEYMORE wrote:
Subject: London Chaos August 2011
The fatal shooting of 29-year-old Mark Duggan by officers of the Metropolitan Police. Service on 4 August 2011 in Tottenham, North London, sparked an outbreak of riots in London. The ensuing looting, arson, burglary, robbery and disorder spread to other parts of England, mostly centred on several major cities. On 8 August, rioting and looting occurred in Birmingham, Liverpool, Nottingham, Bristol and Medway. More than 1,100 people have been arrested since the start of the disruption. |
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Greg wrote:
Subject: Powecruise 2011
"69KAM" was on the cover of Street Machine this time last year. The Qscan/Mercury Motorsport GTR has been Dynoed at 750hp at the wheels. They're hoping for 1000 when they crank it up to 30psi. The black & white Sylvia looks like a joke because it is - the dude was trying to drift, but every time it started to go sideways, he shit himself and got off the power. The blue Hilux with Full Race Fabrications down the side of it has a twin-turbo 4Lt lexus V8. It made 980hp before it tried to jump off the dyno - the owner says it's good for 1200 at the flywheel. The "Please Help" photo - the piece with "Donations Please" stuck to it was the remians of the gearbox extension housing. |
|
Bob wrote:
Subject: Colt Ford country Rapper
This is Colt Ford a country rapper in the U.S.A. Different but good. He raps about country.
My two least favourite genres of music. Hurts the brain. -Orsm |
sandrine wrote:
Subject: hook
Hi, he's awesome, The guy with a hook in the ass! ????????????????????? CRAZY ????????????????????????
WTF. That is all. -Orsm |
 |
ORSM VIDEO
A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends. "Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed. "Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He'll be so pissed if it's not ready on time".
When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf.
She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it. "Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day!"
Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her golf partners about it, and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed!?
Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?" The wife stoically replied "I didn't kill him. He fell off the windowsill while he was licking his arse".
| SIMONE STYLE TAKES IT UP THE... |
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The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3am, a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one!
Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock". When I asked him why he said "Well last night our clock cuckooed three times then said 'oh shit'. Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
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Bob and Ralph were fishing on the Newfoundland shoreline when Bob pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ralph for a light.
"Ya shure I tink I haff a lighter" Ralph replied with a Newfoundland accent and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
"Holy shit, man!" exclaimed Bob, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. "Where'd yew git dat monster?" "Well" replied Ralph "I got it from my Genie." "You haff a Genie?" Bob asked. "Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box" says Ralph. "Could I see him?"
Ralph opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the Genie Bob says "Hey dere! I'm a good buddy of your master. Will you grant me one wish?" "Yes, I will," says the Genie.
So Bob asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving
Bob sitting there waiting for his million bucks. Shortly, the Newfoundland sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks... flying directly overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks Bob yells at Ralph "What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!" Ralph answers "Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?"
| JAMIE LYNN |
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|
A woman marched into the doctor's office with a tiny miserable baby that was howling at the top of its lungs and demanded "Do something about this baby!"
After a quick examination, the doctor realised the baby was malnourished. He's obviously not getting enough milk" he said sternly "Is he being breast fed?" "Yes" replied the woman. "Then the milk supply isn't adequate. Please take your blouse off".
The woman obliged, and the doctor proceeded to give her a very thorough breast exam, kneading, rubbing, massaging, and sucking each breast at some length.
Finally, perplexed, he announced that he could see why there was a problem. "You aren't producing any milk at all". "Of course not" she responded" "It's my sister's kid" "Why on earth did you come?" asked the doctor in amazement. "I didn't cum..." she replied "until you started sucking on the second tit".
ORSM
VIDEO
That awkward moment when the update is over...
- Check out the site archives which contain eleven years of the finest porn, jokes, vids, porn, RS, Reader Mail and tonnes and tonnes and tonnes of porn and other stuff I can't think of right now.
- Next update will be next Thursday, albeit begrudgingly.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will make you the poster child for people smothered to death with his unsurpassable back fat.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and do not cum in your own face. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
|
| orsmupdate 2011.09.08-19.56 |
|
Welcome to Orsm.net. You know its spring because nipples.
Having an amusing week filled with a seemingly endless scrawl of interruptions, phone calls and who could forget the conflict and drama? Life would be boring otherwise - if everything was peaches all of the time it just wouldn't be any fun. I guess I'm just lucky to be surrounded by people who care enough to involve or make me the focus of such things...
So let's jump straight into a wrap of the week's events... and by events I mean shit I got up to that was far from interesting, exciting or blog-worthy. Beginning with...
Friday's are usually reserved to for errands and tasks that can't be squeezed into the preceding four days. So yep... I essentially get a three day weekend most weeks but before I'm labelled fat/lazy/stupid/slack/cunty/assholic, I should point out that it's more than made for with a 16-18 hour Tuesday and Wednesday and minimum 12 hour Monday and Thursday. Eight hour days don't exist in my world. Anyway for whatever reason the day was looking quiet so after getting some exercise done it was off to catch up with a friend then a few hours working [damn it] ahead of a late lunch with a mate... a lunch which involved seafood, alcohol and chcolate. Definitely not a complaint. And that was pretty much my day. I was discovered several hours later napping on the couch and didn't feel the need to improve on that in any way.
Unnecessarily early start Saturday kicked off walking the dog. Nothing too unusual about that except we're now pounding a new route. Why? Nesting season is why. Blogged about this last year - the arrival of spring means aggressive magpies and if you're stupid enough to walk a large dog even remotely close to a park or anywhere with lots of trees you should expect multiple aerial attacks from multiple aerial attackers aimed at your head. Anyone who's been swooped before will know just how much those fucking claws hurt and short of carrying a shotgun along to even the odds, there's not much you can do except stay well away.
First stop of the day was a café whilst the GF took care of some chiropractic needs. It also provided the first flash of nipples by a waitress clearly not aware that she was fully on display wiping a table... and then twice again dishing up food at the counter. This wondrous display was a sign of things to come because, gigantic grateful pervert that I am, there would be a further three more quality downblouse displays throughout the day. Not bad going.
The afternoon was uneventful made up of grocery shopping and house cleaning before something I had absolutely no part in organising - Wicked. I've never been to the theatre. No reason for it except if I'm ever asked for options, watching people pounce around a stage doesn't normally spring to mind. Anyway, I deliberately chose not to read anything about what was in store for fear of strong resulting pessimism. Worked out quickly it was a side story of The Wizard of Oz... how the Wicked Witch came to be... wicked. Okay so maybe I was one of only a handful of dudes in the entire place but it wasn't all that bad. That said, give me TIE Fighters chasing X-Wings or Sarah Connor running from Arnie any day. Unfortunately the whole thing was massively cheapened after the curtains came down and the cast took their bows with a plea for donations. I have no problem with digging deep except they wanted cash for an award scholarship. Forget sick kids or the homeless or anything worthy... please cough up so one of our peers can have a full and happy life in musical theatre. A bit rich [read: pathetic] after gouging a couple of thousand people for $130 a ticket.
The pleasure of a Sunday which wasn't fully booked and didn't require immediate departure of the homestead allowed for the rare pleasure of breakfast. Eggs were cooked and devoured with no consideration for the grieving chickens that bore them. Went on a mini-mission to look at some second-hand gym equipment later and then settled in for a nonchalant day doing odd jobs and chilling around the house. No Father's Day activities were entered into and for that I'm thankful. Instead a whole bunch of nothing took place... so much so that it doesn't deserve anymore time spent discussing which means it's about time to get on with an all new update. Check it...
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Worst Nightmare - De-Pantsing - Awesome Posters - Vagina Rap - Tub Fuck - Chopper - Holy Shit - Masturbation
Jizz Master - Birthin' Hard - Parenting Fail - Got Freaky - Oh The Pain! - RC 'Pick Up' - Titty Fuck - Angry Asian
WTF-ing-F - Gross Tara - Fat Slapper - Cop Flips Out - Butt Fucking - Bear Grylls - Crackwhore - Armed Robbery
I couldn't find that fucking thingy that peels the spuds and carrots, so I asked my kids if they have seen it... apparently she left me yesterday.
--
My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, stereo, iPhone, iPad and my laptop. Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my siblings. Well, she didn't put it quite like that... she actually said... "Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohamed."
--
I knocked at my neighbour's door today. I said "Your fucking cat keeps jumping into my garden and shitting and pissing everywhere". "Sorry pal, but there's nothing I can do" he replied "Cats just have an excellent ability to climb and scale large heights". "Not yours" I replied "Here's his legs."
--
Sesame Street's Bert and Ernie in same sex marriage. Today's programme was brought to you by the letters H, I and V.
--
There were three prostitutes living together - a mother, daughter and grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down. "How did you get on tonight, dear?" asked her mother. "Not too good," replied the daughter. "I only got $20 for a blow job". "Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!" "Good God!" said the Grandmother. "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"
ORSM
VIDEO
A plane crashed on a remote farm in the middle of outback Queensland. Panic stricken, the local police eventually mobilised and headed in force for the farm. When they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smouldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.
The sergeant and his men checked the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer mustering cattle not too far away as if nothing had happened and hurried over to the man.
"Gordon" the police sergeant yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible plane accident happen?" "Yeah. Sure did" the farmer mumbled unconcerned, getting off his horse.
"Do you realise that is the Prime Minister's jet?" "Sure do". "Were there any survivors?" "Nah. They's all got killed" the farmer answered. "I buried them all myself, took me most of the morning".
"Is the Prime Minister dead?" the Sergeant asked. "Well" the farmer grumbled... "She kept saying she wasn't... but you know how she lies".
| AUTUMN AND CHARLIE BRING OUT THE TOYS |
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This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and might help to confirm your belief in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race...
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.
At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her pay home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.
At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her work on the building site and the fact she had a pay packet.
"You must have worked very hard to earn all this" said the cashier. The little girl proudly replied, "Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house". "My goodness gracious" said the cashier "And will you be working on the house again next week?" The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously "I think so. Provided those wankers at the yard deliver the fucking bricks!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Senior Manager Administration was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked "What is the fastest thing you know of?" Acknowledging the first man on his right the man replied "A THOUGHT! It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of".
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man. "Hmm... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of". "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed".
He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of".
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said. Turning to Larry, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
Old Larry replied "After hearing the three previous answers. It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA". "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh I can explain" said Old Larry. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit in my pants!"
| WANT TO GET ALL UP IN THAT ASSSSSSS... |
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|
Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig. When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol'mate, how are we going to tell who owns which fookin' Pig?" Paddy says "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of the ears off my fookin Pig, and ten we can tell them apart". "Ah, dat id be grand" says Paddy.
This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the house.
"Paddy" he said "Your Fookin Pig has chewed the ear off my Fookin Pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell who owns which fookin pig?" "Well Paddy" says Paddy"I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll ave two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear". "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said, "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig!! Now, we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears!! How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?" "Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy.
"I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut de tail offa my fookin pig. Den we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin tail". "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
Another couple of weeks went by and... you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more. "PADDY" shouted Paddy, "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. HOW DE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!!" "Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "how's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one"
| UYUNI SALT LAKE, BOLIVIA |
 |
|
You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!
READER MAIL
If the spectacle of Reader mail is something you'd like to be part of and have your shit immortalised in the site archives for all eternity [or until I get bored of doing this and shut Orsm down] then seriously what the hell are you waiting for? Topping the list and in demand are nude pictures
of your slutty ex or delicious significant other, fucked/funny/cool/whatever videos, pictures of pretty
much anything you can take a picture of and jokes that made you fucking shit all over the inside of your jocks. All you have
to do is click here. IT'S THAT SIMPLE.
Doug wrote:
Subject: crane video
Longtime viewer of your site from Canada. The video of the crane that lost it's brakes had me shaking my head. All he had to do was lower the outriggers and let them dig into the pavement. Of course it would have cause damage to the pavement but still cheaper than all the crap he took out. Keep up the good work. cheers
It seemed so obvious but I'm wondering if some sort of total hydraulic failure knocked them out too. -Orsm |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: VAG specialist, not what you think
Hi there Mr O. You expressed some doubt as to what VAG stood for, well it is
*Volkswagen Aktiengesellschaft*, in other words the Volkswagen Audi group comprised of Volkswagen, Audi, Bentley, Bugatti, Lamborghini, Porsche, SEAT, and Skoda. |
Tim wrote:
Subject: Facts and figures
Might be of interest to the people who read your website since they like to talk about it, but the number of visa overstayers each year in Australia is in the tens of thousands compared to the number of asylm seekers. I can't find the figures on the number of backpackers overstaying their visa, but it is fairly common for people to rort the "working on a farm for 3 months" rule and get an extra year I have found out. Unauthorised arrivals and overstayers in Australia [here and here]. Not sure if I would want be the one to tell 1000 Tongans to go home. For some perspective the Italian island of Lampedusa is dealing with thousands of refugees at the moment, there are concerns another 300,000 could turn up.
|
<with held> wrote:
Subject: boat people...
The graphic says it all........ the libs brought in the pacific solution and the labour nobs stopped it...
Now known as the Pacific Unsolution. -Orsm |
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Colin wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Must be a damn good book!!
... or why you never go to the beach with an unihibited sister. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: random pics
The road pics are from a super remote indian village in northern california. The road workers must have been laughing their asses off! keep up the good work!! Hide my details so I don't get scalped by drunken Indians!!
Falls under the 'not my job' category. -Orsm |
Anna wrote:
Subject: Oktoberfest
Hi there, greetings from Bavaria again. Soon it will be Oktoberfest again and I have a nice picture for you, if you like this kind of pictures, here are more to find. P.S: yes, those are mine, gotta love the Dirndl P.P.S.: found some crazy 8-bit music |
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Tom wrote:
Subject: funny ad from gumtree
Hi mr orsm thought you might like this ad from gumtree.
If it weren't Balga I'd know for sure this was a joke. -Orsm |
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Ross wrote:
Subject: Boy dies after masturbating 42 times
A 16-year-old boy died after masturbating 42 times without stopping in Brazil. His mother told a local newspaper that she already knew about his son's addiction and that she planned to see the doctor, but the decision came too late. |
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Dubs wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Thought you might be able to use this pic of a mate of mine
For some reason REALLY want to know what the sign says. -Orsm |
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pacificwave wrote:
Subject: Most disturbing headlines
Sorry, I had to run to the bathroom and PUKE
Fatties need love too. -Orsm |
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Brad wrote:
Subject: sponge bob
I liked this, it looks like Sponge Bob is lubing up to have a wank looking at this chicks arse
Sponge Bob must have a thing for bad tattoos. -Orsm |
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pacificwave wrote:
Subject: This is too, too funny!
How FUNNY......and the sad part is that we would NOT be any worse off if such a transition were to take place!!! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: a favor..
Just thinking out loud here.. I've got this skank living in my building who stole my phone and is now texting my friends vulgar, racist threats from her own phone. She thinks she's my girlfriend but she's a true beast. I apologized to God for ever fucking her that time. Ever since last December she sends my friends endless crap, trying to separate me from my them. She threatens everyone I know and I cant do a fucking thing cuz I can't get this bitch's last name. I tried to file a petition for stalking and harassment but they won't file it without the full name. |
KevO wrote:
Subject: Some American Twins
Here ya go ! Some American Twins that I've got to play with ! Enjoy ! |
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mysmokinghotwife wrote:
Subject: my smoking hot wife
Here are some more pics for all of your loyal visitors... after 3 kids... you can only guess what i got for Fathers Day. feel free to email this address with your comments. She would love to know what you all think. we hope you all enjoy |
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Rushowen wrote:
Subject: Simply Amazing! Thanks to Mother Nature!
An unexpected side-effect of the flooding in parts of Pakistan has been that millions of spiders climbed up into the trees to escape the rising flood waters. Because of the scale of the flooding and the fact that the water has taken so long to recede, many trees have become cocooned in spiders webs. People in this part of Sindh have never seen this phenomenon before but they also report that there are now far fewer mosquitoes than they would expect, given the amount of stagnant, standing water that is around. It is thought that the mosquitos are getting caught in the spiders web thus reducing the risk of malaria, which would be one blessing for the people of Sindh, facing so many other hardships after the floods. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Russian facebook friend
Hey Mr.Orsm. finally I have made a facebook friend worth having. All her pics are public as well so anyone can check her out here. Not sure how these got past the facebook censors... Thanks for all the hours of entertainment over the years. Details private etc etc |
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John wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Ex - Girlfriend.
Mmm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Old ads you won't see today...
Maybe in Australia, but certainly not in the US. Old Ads You Won't See Published Today... |
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luis wrote:
Subject: Emailing
ibiza 2011
Always wanted to go to Ibiza for the music and drugs but this looks way better. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Juliar and her union mates.
Interesting? No details please
True or false its one more nail for poor Julia. In 11 years of Orsm, the only leader I've seen more stuff flying around about was Geroge Bush. -Orsm |
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Thethreethirteen wrote:
Subject: Unique video(s) I have taken
Hey Mr. Orsm! I am with you every week, your site never gets old! Anyway I took some photos and videos of various abandoned amusement parks and hotels and such around my area and thought you may find them of interest to your viewers. Probably the best one is of a "Econo-Lodge" hotel that has been abandoned since 1995 and has since become the only squat house in the world with a Jacuzzi room! :P You Tube Link [here]. Take care! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: bumble bee
Mr Orsm, in your debt - as always! Saw the spider-wasp battle so thought you might like the UK teeny spider vs cute bumble bee video I took. Typical UK, she gets hubby to tidy up! Not sure I'm too keen on being a bumblebee now! Hide details, keep up the good work etc etc |
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Brett wrote:
Subject: 747 crashes in suburban Street
Hi Mr Orsm Dude. Here is my latest video. I did this one purely to have some fun with effects. Thanks for your support. You Tube Link [here] |
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ORSM VIDEO
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called out-of-the-blue to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'. Wow! I was flabbergasted.
"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now" I said "I'm a bit older, a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have".
She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'. "Yeah". I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone... everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, grey haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
Anyway, she giggled and said "I've put on a few pounds myself". So I told her to fuck off.
| SASHA GREY GETS CHOKED THE FUCK OUT |
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On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.
Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer but to no avail for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to grab hold of the rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story: when you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks.
RANDOM SHITE
The doctor said "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles".
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought "That's what I need... a new suit". He entered the shop and told the salesman "I'd like a new suit". The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said "Let's see... size 44 long". Joe laughed "That's right - how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror the salesman asked "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said "Sure". The salesman eyed Joe and said "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16.5 neck". Joe was surprised "That's right - how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years". Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said "Sure". The salesman said "Let's see... size 36". Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old!"
The salesman shook his head "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"
| ALEXIS LOVE |
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The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick. So he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
"Hello?" "Is your daddy home?" "Yes, he's out in the garden" whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" The child whispered "No". So the boss asked "Well is your mummy there?" "Yes, she's out in the garden too". The boss asked "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered "No".
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message the boss asked "Is anybody else there?" "Yes," whispered the child "a policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman?" "No he's busy too" whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" "Talking to Daddy and mummy and the police dog men".
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background the boss asked "What is that noise?" "It's a helicopter" answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" demanded the boss. "The search team just landed a helicopter " "The... search team?" said the boss. "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... "ME!"
ORSM
VIDEO
I don't know how to say it... but that's update done and dusted for this week. After you've finished punching yourself in the face in distress you should probably read the following...
- Check out the site archives. I'll time you.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Right after the dessert course.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray kick you so hard in the vagina that there'll be a lasting, blood/pus discharge.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stop being a fucking lying cunt. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2011.09.01-18.49 |
|
Welcome to Orsm.net. Have any of you ever seen a chicken?
Goodbye winter, hello spring... he says as a storm rolls in. It's all good though. The weather has been warming up nicely for the last week or two, we're teetering on shorts and t-shirt conditions and the smile on my face is wider than a fat girls vagina. Also means I can stop holding back optimism for fear of jinxing anything... whilst winter definitely had some fuck-arse moments, it wasn't a patch on 2010. This up and down erratic behaviour leads me to believe winter was molested as a child. Or did someone payed it forward? Good for them.
I'm in a pretty damn awesome mood. Fully recovered from the [man] flu and slowly getting over the post-holiday blues. The 'total loss' outcome of my NAS which has been at a data recovery place for the past two months hasn't particularly phased me either... even though it was my failsafe and five terabytes of every photo I've taken for the last ten years, a plethora of personal files, thousands of random videos and god knows what else is now gone, I for some reason accept it's not the end of the world. Things could be worse right...? At least I'm not a retarded.
Congratulations today go to the Australian government who have made an absolute shambles of handling immigrants seeking asylum. After changing laws several years back the boats arriving have increased dramatically and with a hostile media reporting every single one of them, the government was under constant pressure to find a solution that deterred people smugglers. Earlier this year the Malaysia solution was proposed whereby they would take 800 boat people and we would take 4000 refugees. Oh and we'd cover the $300M bill. Yeah that makes sense. Ideally asylum seekers would be discouraged from making the trip knowing they wouldn't make it here anyway. Then yesterday the 'solution' had its day in court and was shut down like a little bitch after being deemed invalid based on Malaysia's human rights record. If that wasn't bad enough for the fools who masterminded the deal, Australia will still have to accept the 4000 refugees. You can imagine my surprise with reports that four Australia-bound boats left Indonesia this morning. What a gigantic cluster fuck.
The thing I find most intriguing about this are the lawyers who represent asylum seekers... the ones who brought down the swap deal. Cannot fathom what motivates them to dedicate all their efforts to getting refugees/illegals/whatever in. Surely there can't be any glory knowing public support is against them or is the money just that good? On the other hand maybe they're just into making the government look like idiots, which if that's the case, its mission accomplished.
Okay onto I whatever else. Let's talk about me shall we? I mean what's the point of having a blog if you're not going to crap on about yourself from time to time [read: constantly]?
Saturday was a day so unremarkable that it was perfect. Don't know what's gone on for the last few months but seems like there's always something which interferes with getting anything normal done and by that I mean the normal boring stuff you wait for a weekend to do. Anyway I'd been craving eggs like crazy [OMG am I pregnant...?] so we got an early start and smashed some down. From there it was off to a farmer's market thing. Basically just a bunch of stalls with food and fresh veg you are compelled to buy because it all looks so good. The rest of the day was more of the same... shopping for nothing specific ahead of a quiet night chillin' at on the couch. Like I said - unremarkable.
Another early start began Sunday and after walking the mutt it was out the door to do breakfast for a mates birthday. This is what birthdays have become... breakfast. There was a time when any event, no matter how small, was celebrated with copious amounts of alcohol and revelry but these days everyone seems to have kids in play so those drunken nights are becoming few and far between. Not necessarily a bad thing considering how hard hangovers nail me but such is the opportunity cost. Following that we headed off to another birthday thing, this one at a pub and involving beer so not all was lost. And that pretty much rounded out the last weekend of winter.
Alright now would probably be a good time to get this update going. I was going to mention how earth shatteringly brilliant it is but I'll just let you guys see for yourselves. Check it...
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Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us
who get
it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and
accept paying for porn the less free
porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!
Too Addictive - 2 Girls 1 WTF!? - Gaga Nude - Beastality FTW! - Humiliation - Crazy Crackhead - Busted! - Hit It Deep
Cockblocked - Spider Dog - So So Wrong - Perfect Pussy - Is He Wanking? - Abrupt Halt - One On One!
Fat Girl Fetish - Retard Tasered - Greatest Job - Cum-pilation - Hottie Whore - Slam Yourself - Hipster Fight
I met a girl in the park last night. We got chatting, and things were going well, so I thought I'd try my luck. I said "Simon says take your top off". Off it came. "Simon says take off your bra". Out came the titties. After I'd groped them for a while I said "Simon says get naked and bend over". I fucked her hard up the arse and came inside her. I then pulled up my pants and walked one way, as she ran off the other way, screaming. Its great having a knife called Simon.
--
You know that risky sprint you take from the shower to your room whilst naked? Yeah well, I just got back from the gym.
--
By the time I had finished I was out of breath, dripping with sweat and my skin was sticky to the touch. Standing up I caught a glimpse of my bright red face in the mirror. I was satisfied and I could tell by the look on her face that she was impressed with my performance. As I lit up a cigarette I said to her "That, my love... is how a real man finishes a vindaloo".
--
Friedman's worried that he might be gay so he goes to a psychiatrist. After a few sessions, the shrink says "I've got some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first?" Friedman says "Give me the bad news first". The psychiatrist says "You definitely have homosexual tendencies". Friedman says "After that, what could be the good news?" The psychiatrist says "I think you're kinda cute".
--
Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line she's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.
--
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing" the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled "Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!" St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?" "Couple of minutes ago".
--
A friend of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I asked, "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother has a moustache".
ORSM
VIDEO
One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked "I'd give $250 to spend the night with that woman". Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around and replied "I'll take you up on that offer". She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.
The following morning, the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money stating "If you don't give me the other $125.00 I'll sue you for it". He laughed saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds".
The next day, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented".
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honour, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property -a garden spot- surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon vacating the premises, paid only $125, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance".
The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defence, therefore, was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honour" he said "My client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labour performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted".
The young lady's lawyer answered thus: "Your honour, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon vacating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted".
In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125 or have the equipment detached and provided to the plaintiff for damages". The defendant wrote a check immediately.
| GIANNA MICHAELS HAS AN EPIC RACK |
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The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by her not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke up feeling much better and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked," Did you dance much?" He replied, I'll tell you; I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening".
You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life!"
ORSM
VIDEO
An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the Spokane Hilton. As he paid his bill he asked the manager "By the way what's with the Indian sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived".
"Oh that's Big Chief Forget-Me-Not" said the manager. "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as Big Chief Forget-Me-Not because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember even the slightest detail of his life".
The travel writer took this in and, as he was waiting for his cab, decided to put the chief's memory to the test.
"G'day, mate!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?" "Eggs" was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed.
He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget-Me-Not's great memory. One local noted to him that "How" was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than "G'day mate".
On his return to the Spokane Hilton six months later, he was surprised to see Big Chief Forget-Me-Not still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick.
"How!" said the Aussie. "Scrambled," said the chief.
| ASIAN GIRLS |
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In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to get out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of:
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defence's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all" the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom". He looked toward the courtroom door.
The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty".
The jury retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door". The jury foreman replied "Yes we did look... but your client didn't".
| WHY WOMEN LIVE LONGER |
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READER MAIL
If the dazzling spectacle of Reader mail is something you'd like to contribute to then seriously what the hell are you waiting for? Top of the hit list is nude pictures
of a cunty ex's or delicious significant other, fucked up vids of pretty much anything, pictures of pretty
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charlie wrote:
Subject: this got me laughing
has it gotten that bad down there? and here I thought down under might be the last corner of freedom left in the world. well, looks like we're all screwed.
Don't know if I'd agree with all of claims and facts the author presents although the nanny-state one rings more and more true everyday. We can thank Bob Brown his idiot cohorts for this. -Orsm |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Same sex marriage Labours way. Please withhold details
Probably need a vague understanding of politics in Australia to get this one, at which point it's quite humorous... if not, carry on. -Orsm |
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pacificwave wrote:
Subject: Entrepreneur dies
Read the following if you're in for a little mental exercise. SAD NEWS OUT OF NEW ORLEANS.
It seems that every couple of days New Orleans loses one of its treasured ENTREPRENEURS.
So drug dealers are known as entrepreneurs now...? -Orsm |
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Tim O wrote:
Subject: Should be posted every 2 miles on every 4 lane road or highway!
SERIOUSLY EVERY ROAD NEEDS THIS SIGN DAMN SLOW DRIVERS NEED TO STAY ON THE GOLF COURSE
It's not about slow drivers... it's about arrogance. People who hog the 'overtaking' lane are asking for a beating. -Orsm |
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pacificwave wrote:
Subject: Clinton endorses...
Bill Clinton announces his support of Michele Bachmann for president
Never heard of her but I'm sure she has the support of men everywhere. -Orsm |
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Tomas wrote:
Subject: Toowoomba rate payer
A bit of love from Toowoomba rate payer. This is so funny. Take off his contact details if you get so excited as to post. |
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Richie wrote:
Subject: 1 Big "CARt"
Greetings from the land of "Red Necks"(Alabama) again. I knew I would find you something soon. All I had to do was wait. Hope this was a woman and not a man driving. |
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Max wrote:
Subject: some people looking weird picture
Taken at the lowlands party in the weekend of aug 21 2011 in the netherlands...
The costumed ones are still less weird looking than the chick-dude in pink. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Prison Reservations
For your use as you see fit!! I was playing around with google earth. As I passed over the western coast of Washington state This information box popped up and this is what I saw. I guess if you're going to prison you might as well book today for the Best Rates!! Another great Thursday..... Thank you, No D-tails please |
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xitz wrote:
Subject: Railgun
It's obvious that projectile is going pretty fast as you can see the shockwave just ahead of it... But 7 times the speed of sound? that's some camera that took the action shot, eh wot?? anyway I thought it may be of interest... (Meanwhile the RAN is considering upgrading the 2" cannons on the foredeck of Australian vessels). U.S. Navy yesterday test fired an incredibly powerful new big gun designed to replace conventional weaponry aboard ships. Sci-fi fans will recognize its awesome power and futuristic technology. The big gun uses electromagnetic energy instead of explosive chemical propellants to fire a projectile farther and faster. The railgun, as it is called, will ultimately fire a projectile more than 230 miles (370 kilometers) with a muzzle velocity seven times the speed of sound (Mach 7) and a velocity of Mach 5 at impact. |
Andy wrote:
Subject: Advert
Hi. Been a reader of your site for some timenow and this is the 1st time i have sent you something, It sure made me laugh its a free paper that is delivered to our door and this ad really caught my eye.
Mechanic or gynecologist? I'll always wonder. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: helicopter
A helicopter in a burgerking. Love your site for many years. Please hide my info.
"We can either put a tree or a helicopter there". -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: 15 pictures for you
O: It has been awhile since my last submission. I showed these to a buddy and he encouraged me to submit them. It all looks great until she hits the ball!
Let's be honest - with an arse like that no one cares about how good a golfer she is. -Orsm |
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John wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Ex-Girlfriend
Guys: if your GF isn't camera shy then please document all relevant areas including tits and butt. Vagina alone is boring. -Orsm |
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Supaduck wrote:
Subject: Rovos Rail – Blue Train, the Pride of Africa
Capetown – Pretoria (1,000 miles). Price – Compartment for two. $1,300 each. Luxury Service Since 1923. Quiet travel at 58 mph. |
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Jeremy wrote:
Subject: always trust your best mate!
SHIT HAPPENS... THIS GUY SENDS AND E-MAIL WITH AN ATTACHMENT TO HIS BEST FRIEND... ...GUESS WHAT YOUR WIFE, LUCY, IS DOING RIGHT NOW...??? I'M SENDING YOU A PICTURE, SO YOU COULD SEE HER.... |
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Ross wrote:
Subject: Hot Rod Dentist
Orthodontist and car nut Dr. David Myers designed his Arkansas practice to resemble a 1950s diner/drive-in/service station. Myers built all of the furniture by hand with his father's help. A 1947 Mercury coupe fitted with a 1946 Ford grille and a surfboard roof resembles a woodie wagon and acts as the reception desk, while a 1956 Olds 98 and a pink 1959 Cadillac have been made into couches. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ex-Girlfriend Pics
She was always ready to fuck. Problem was she would fuck anything with a dick. Please hide my info. Always a pleasure viewing your site
I'm getting a ginger hippy vibe...? -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Kinda Funny
At least to me. If it's worth cutting out the last names to ya, feel free to post. My friend and I ARE NOT RACIST, but find it hilarious. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Video for ya'
Mr. Orsm, Dude, I absolutely love your site and look forward to every Thursday to see what you've got in store. Though a little long, its freakin' cool. Post it if you want just hide my info. Keep on rockin' brother...
The thing with the cigarettes and napkins was disgusting yet strangely funny. -Orsm |
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dan and lee wrote:
Subject: funny car ad
hey mr orsm, long time listener first time caller. saw this ad on my local kijjiji website for a used car. the description was so funny i automatically thought you might want to post it on your site. keep up the great work !!! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
just a little fun while on hols, please keep details hidden. love the site |
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Brett wrote:
Subject: The latest action feast
Hi Mr Orsm, Thought you may want to check out the latest action short I've done. Youtube link [here].
Auto-adulticide...? -Orsm |
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ORSM VIDEO
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.
"I'm sorry" he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is, to have a compulsion like this".
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst" the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get".
The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked while serving a glass of white wine. "I certainly did" the man said. "I've been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week".
He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face. The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel.
"The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good" he sputtered. "On the contrary" the man claimed "he's done me a world of good". "But you threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed. "Yes," the man replied "but it doesn't embarrass me anymore..."
| VALENTINA VAUGHN |
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Lisa, a strikingly beautiful young brunette, sat across the table from William, in a fancy restaurant. She smiled as William finished proposing to her. "I'm not sure, let me think about it" she answered. William was crushed but kept his composure.
After dinner they went to her place. The mood was romantic and William was eager to make love to Lisa. She stopped him and said "Before we get married or even make love I want you to buy me something". "Sure my love, you name it. A car, a pearl necklace, diamond earrings, you name it". "I want a solid gold Boy Scout knife". Stunned, William asked "But why? I can buy you anything you want. Why must it be a solid gold Boy Scout knife?" "I can't tell you but I won't make love to you until I get one".
William searched high and low but couldn't find such a knife. Desperate, he had a jeweller make one for him.
The next time they met at her place for a romantic evening, he again suggested they make love. Again she said she couldn't without first receiving the solid gold Boy Scout knife.
With a smile he handed her a small gift wrapped box. She carefully opened it and saw the knife. They went off to the bedroom where she opened a large hope chest at the foot of her bed. She placed the knife inside, but not before William saw the contents of the hope chest. It was filled with solid gold Boy Scout knifes.
"What's this? Why did you ask me for a gold knife when you already have so many of them?" "I can't tell you" she replied. After several minutes of badgering she finally relented and said "Someday I will be older. My hair will turn grey, my face will start to get wrinkles and my beauty will fade. Who will want me then? But, do you know what a Boy Scout would do for one of these knives?"
RANDOM SHITE
People do some weird shit but
I guess if they didn't there would be no need for RS. Check it...
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Two radical Arab terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a rabbi sat down in the aisle seat.
After take-off the rabbi kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said "I need to get up and get a coke". "Don't get up" said the rabbi, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you".
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the rabbi`s shoe and spat in it. When the Rabbi returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I'd really like one, too".
Again, the rabbi obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the rabbi`s other shoe and spat in it.
When the rabbi returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the rabbi slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours "Why does it have to be this way? How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
| AMY REID HAS PERFECT TITS |
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She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything - cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home... and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods.
ORSM
VIDEO
Well well well... here we are at the end. How does that make you feel? Sad? Depressed? Don't dispair because what you'll read next is sure to solve all your problems...
- Check out the site archives. I think they kind of have a thing for you. Plus - boobies.
- Next update will be next Thursday because that's how updates roll.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will rip off your head, shit down your throat and use your fingers to wipe his sphincter clean.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and never cry your tears into someone elses mouth. Never. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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