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| orsmupdate 2010.09.30-21.44 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. SomethinG... not somethinK.
What an awesome last week it's been. What a fascinating time in my life this is. I seem to be temporarily caught in some sort of 'everything is fucking peachy' period so trying to enjoy it while it lasts. September has flown by at speed, been insanely busy and mostly a whole lot of fun. Pretty much the ideal way to emerge from a long, shitty winter.
Finally figured something out recently. Late last year and into this year, every morning the pooch would burst into my bedroom at 6am. Could never work out why she started doing it and then one day she just stopped. Jump forward to a week ago and [annoyingly] it starts happening again. Initially thought it was to do with the season changing but after thinking back realised that the day before I'd changed the settings on my NAS. A NAS if you didn't know is a storage device - basically a big external hard drive which I was forced to get after suffering a few catastrophic computer failures and losing tonnes of data. Anyway the settings I changed were the auto on/off function. For whatever reason the -beeeeep- as it powers on at 6am everyday is a signal to kick open my bedroom door and wake me the fuck up. Highly annoying how one insignificant thing you do without thinking can cause so much sleep deprivation.
Had several emails from you guys scattered around the world asking me to explain what was up with the Aussie Rules Grand Final on the weekend. In a nutshell the final, which is traditionally held on the last Saturday in September, this year Collingwood versus Saint Kilda, ended in a draw. Instead of going into overtime like other sports codes, some sort of penalty shootout or whatever the game ended then and there with a rematch being scheduled for this coming Saturday. Quite amazing to see the reaction from the crowd at the game - 100,000 people instead of screaming and cheering the victor were instead stunned and almost quiet. The last time a draw happened was 33 years ago so most people watching either weren't born or couldn't remember what happens next.
Much public debate has followed. Everything is put on hold during finals month. Couples around the country wait until after the finals to schedule weddings for example. Would have to say plenty of them will be unimpressed when guests are a no show for their ceremonies. On the other hand, I'm all for it. Grand Final week all over again is a good thing. Even if you don't support the teams playing the final most footy fans will spend the day watching the game now we get that twice. Add to that having two teams so evenly matched that the game is drawn equals good football - it's boring when one team creams the other... unless it's Collingwood being creamed that is. Go the Saints!
Alright let's continue on with the weekend wrap but shift focus back to what's most important here - me. After getting back home from watching the footy with the fam it was time to get my shit sorted for the night ahead. We'd booked a restaurant in the city to celebrate my birthday and after embarrassingly changing the reservation four times finally made it there for 7pm. Three bottles of wine in hand, we got stuck in straight away without really considering that I really hadn't eaten all day. Drunkenness and merriment ensued. By the time our meals arrived I wasn't hungry so it was all sort of downhill from there. One highlight however was the restaurant staff bringing out some sort of desert for me... which erupted into a chorus of 'happy birthday' which almost everyone in the whole place joined in to sing. Pretty funny. From there it was off to a bar and finally home around 2am [apparently]. Didn't even have the energy to eat or drink anything before collapsing into bed. Bad move. The essential ingredients to any big night out are food and water because...
... woke up the next morning feeling close to death and spent most of the day on the couch nursing a hangover. Absolutely hate when that happens - barely a free moment during the working week lately, I try and make every second count on weekends. Did eventually emerge late afternoon to head to a BBQ thing and had a beer which again was another bad idea.
Thankfully woke up feeling much better on [public holiday] Monday and kicked off with some exercise around the lake. From there it was off to a family friends place. A casual call the day before explained they needed 'some help' moving stuff. Okay. What I didn't realise is the particular family friend is a hoarder of the worst kind. Four fridges, a washing machine and I don't know how much other junk dragged out to the front and piled up for collection. Frustratingly, two hours of hard work made absolutely no impact on what remains so bailed while I still could.
Tired again, somehow talked myself into washing the car when I got home. Stupid decision really but with so much dust floating around from construction on the block behind my house I had no choice. Following that was a trip into the city for coffee and catch up with a mate followed by mad lap down to Fremantle... but what else is new? These things have to be done and it was the final touch to one of the best weekends in forever.
Okay that went a bit longer than expected but fuck it... I know no one reads it so whatevs. Let's get on with the last update of the month marking ten Years of Orsm.net. Believe me when I say this is a fucking monster. By far the biggest in a very long time and I'll be surprised if the servers can hold up. Check it...
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RANDOM SHITE
Today we make an early start RS. There is a reason for this I assure you. Check it...
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Amid all the international outcry about cricket 'fixing' attributable to Pakistan and India, the headlines this morning of the New Delhi Times read... "Kalcutta Kings defeated by the English 20/20 team by six wickets and fourteen runs". The match will be played next Wednesday.
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I met a girl in the park last night. There was definitely something electric between us. I shagged her silly on a park bench. When I'd finished I couldn't help thinking "Fuck me these Tazer guns are worth every penny".
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I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw in a club last night. He put 7 poofters in a trance but dropped his microphone on his foot and shouted "Fuck me". What happened next will haunt me forever...
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Interesting piece of history. In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's bladder. In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the goat first!
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Driving down the road I saw a hitch hiker holding a sign that said 'Heaven'. So the good person I am, I hit him. Hope he made it.
ORSM
VIDEO
Dear Connie,
I know the counsellor said we shouldn't contact each other during our 'cooling off' period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me.
I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.
Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an arse that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before.
I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else.
Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagne. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.
Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Because I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is.
So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.
And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it.
Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.
Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is PLEASE!?!
Love, Mick.
| SAMMIE AND KAYLA |
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Charlotte, North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars and promptly insured them against, among other things, 'fire'. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires". The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason - that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued... and WON!
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous but the judge stated, nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be 'unacceptable fire' and was obliged to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the so-called fires.
After the lawyer cashed the settlement cheque, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON. Now with his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of 'intentionally burning his insured property' and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. Only in America!
ORSM
VIDEO
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. "I'd like to be twelve again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to a theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets... M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you prat!!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's going to get it wrong.
| FIERY REDHEADS |
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A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
So he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn".
| YOU'RE NOW HUNGRY... |
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A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be "$3,500 for small, $6,500 for medium, and $14,000 for large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."
RANDOM SHITE
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READER MAIL
Got something Orsm-worthy? Submit it! If your shit is good enough it'll be featured on the main page and then archived for all eternity. On the Orsm want list are pics of your terrible ex-girlfriend, tasty current girlfriend, jokes, funny videos and pretty much anything else you can staple to an email and send my way. All you must do is click here to make it happen.
Ciaphus wrote:
Subject: Hiya ugly fuck!
"all i can do is look forward to Christmas for a meaningful break." (orsm latest update.)
Why would any of you colonials want to wish for Christmas..??? By then the ENGLAND Cricket team will be handing you your asses and ponting will be looking for another job.. and You've got a girl for a prime minister!! When we have..ermm, a couple of blokes, who both went to a public school not known for bending over too far for the soap in the showers.. Now, where was i? Oh Yeah, get ready for a stomping you ozzie fucks. No 1 fan
Strangely, there's not a lot about this email I disagree with... -Orsm |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Good pic
Saw this in Schaumburg, IL. wish it worked. Great site, keep up the good work. Hide details please
Ingenious. May have to replicate that. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Found this in the trash
One of my buddies found this note in the trash. Thought you'd appreciate the complexities of the female mind.... Love the site, Keep it up! Please withhold my info.
Hilarious. 1. Why would someone need to write that stuff down. 2. Does the fact it was binned mean she didn't achieve anything off the list. 3. WTF is a 'moondoggie'...? -Orsm |
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Ado wrote:
Subject: The Brownlow
A night in front of the tele....free
1 stubbby of Carlton Draught....$2.50
Ten bucks on Juddy to win.....$150 for me
The look on Eddies face.....pure gold! |
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Neil wrote:
Subject: Robbie Knievel
I have four extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel's (son of Evil Knievel) event this weekend in Melbourne, if anybody wants them. Robbie is going to try to jump over 1,000 Collingwood supporters with a Caterpillar D-9 bulldozer.
Collingwood... the most hated club EVER. -Orsm |
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Gazza wrote:
Subject: who said the draw was a bad thing?
life is good, isn't it? withhold thanks.
Bet you're spewing you only put $10 on. -Orsm |
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Adrian wrote:
Subject: Fight
The Shortest Fight Ever |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Tattoo
Here you go. Tauranga Tattoo. Who the fuck would get a Mitsubishi tattooed on their arm. Please withold as usual...
If the Mitsubishi were green it would make sense... -Orsm |
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John wrote:
Subject: Obituary from my kinda guy!!!
Please read the obit !!! The hilarious part is highlighted in yellow !!!!
Ha. -Orsm |
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Eric N wrote:
Subject: Priceless Picture Submittal
I am attaching a picture that I hope you are able to post on your Priceless section. Not only is it funny (my opinion, but I think you will agree - just looks at her expression in the "interesting pic"), it is of a woman I took to Ireland with me a couple months back that now deserves this to be shared with the world! |
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Graham wrote:
Subject: BBC Audience Babe
Hi Orsm. Long time dipper into your weird and wonderful world - thought you might like this. During a recent BBC programme called Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow the camera was cutting to show members of the audience. I nearly fell off my stool when this babe appeared - unfortunately far too briefly! I was so impressed I tracked her down via the BBC iPlayer link and got a screen shot. The guy next to her looks like the comedian Alan Davies - might be why the camera was swung around at that point - or it might be the camera man thought this was too good to miss. Unfortunately the still doesn't convey the full effect as they wobble while she claps!!!! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Brazillian
At a function on the weekend. Unlucky I didn't win prize 16.... |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: On a signpost
Saw this walking thru town the other day! Thought people may get a larf or two out of it. Pls dont show details. Tar
I'm siding with the snobs on this one. -Orsm |
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Mark wrote:
Subject: Random shite
These blocks of flats are being knocked down in Dublin Ireland |
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Jason wrote:
Subject: Unbelievable photos
Officers with the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission (FWC) are investigating a boating accident that occurred Friday afternoon off the Jupiter Inlet in Palm Beach County. FWC investigators say a 48-foot charter fishing vessel, the Waterdog, with five passengers, a captain and a mate on board, was returning from a morning charter in rough surf. Witnesses saw the vessel hit a large wave and almost capsized on the way back to the inlet. The captain later died in hospital. None of the vessel's other occupants were injured. |
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Jason wrote:
Subject: Big Horn Sheep stroll on Buffalo Bill Dam amazing!
For those who aren't familiar with the view - it's the downstream face of the dam and those dots are bighorns WALKING ACROSS IT. They're licking the surface - salt, maybe? I'm just sitting here with my mouth hanging open.... Absolutely amazing
To save the 50+ emails which will inevitably come my way, I Googled this. Real story here. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: found pics on used computer
Bought a computer at garage sale and fould these pics..... please hide info
Cute tits. Also how come I never find porn? -Orsm |
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Sid wrote:
Subject: interesting crap
These photos were taken last weekend in Jerome, Arizona where my new girfriend and I had our first roll in the hay nudge-nudge-wink-wink. You can ask about these pics but the answer will always be "I don't know!". I guess it is supposed to be art? |
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mike wrote:
Subject: How to move 1.98 Million Pounds
That's a BIG LOAD! No mention of what gas mileage on the trucks towing. For the past few weeks, a "super heavy" load has been making its way from Hardeeville SC , enroute to Boiling Springs NC . It is a large electric generator destined for a clean coal power plant. The generator weighs in at 1.98 million pounds and isn't something you just jump on an interstate freeway with and truck it on down the road. [continues] |
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Darren wrote:
Subject: I just love this pussy it is very hungry all the time
hey orsm your site is great here is some more pics for you enjoy. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Mars landing photos
The truth is out there! |
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Hank wrote:
Subject: more silverstone racing 1 of 2
here are a few more shots from silverstone from the TR8 Squadron
Previous pics of this set can be found here. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Sharing Naked Pics
Wanted to share some images of this chick I've been banging. Hide my details.
God bless you for sharing. -Orsm |
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steven wrote:
Subject: It's that time again...
Brownlow Review 2010
Whoever puts these together is a master. [requires PowerPoint to view file] -Orsm |
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| DARE DORM |
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A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package."What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered. He was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.
Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed this warning: "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!" The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it."
The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!" The pig sympathised, but said, "I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers."
The mouse turned to the cow and said, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!" The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose."
So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap... alone.
That very night a sound was heard throughout the house - the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.
The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did no see it. It was a venomous snake whose tail was caught in the trap.
The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital.
When she returned home she still had a fever. Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup. So the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient...
But his wife's sickness continued. Friends and neighbours came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
But, alas, the farmer's wife did not get well... she died.
So many people came for her funeral that the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them for the funeral luncheon.
So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and you think it doesn't concern you, remember - when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk. We are all involved in this journey called life. We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another.
And the mouse however looked upon it all from his crack in the wall... and laughed.
ORSM
VIDEO
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out onto the patio table. Then, whilst tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him...
"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
Martha paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes and said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I bought that too with the insurance money!"
Again she paused for a few minutes and whilst tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,"Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes..."
| ASHLEY JENSEN |
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RANDOM SHITE
Can anyone say part-fucking-three!? That should keep you guys busy for a while. Check it...
An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbours dog whilst the neighbours went on their holidays. The only problem was that the spinsters own dog was a bitch that was in "heat" and the neighbour's dog was a male.
Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart. As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep the spinster was suddenly awakened by awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. She rushed downs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating.
They were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage. Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next. Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone.
The spinster explained the problem. The vet said, "I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the bitch."
"Oh," said the spinster, "Do you think that will work?" "Well," the vet replied, "IT JUST WORKED ON ME!!"
| BEAUTIFUL ANTARCTICA |
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A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy. So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500" he says.
This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
| SAMMIE RHODES |
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Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went." His wife sympathises. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help." "He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?" "Of course I did!" says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight." "Where did it go?" asks Arthur. "Can't remember."
ORSM
VIDEO
Aaaaand we're done. Gotta admit I'm pretty happy with this update. It well and truly eclipses just about any update I can think of. Probably not a good idea to get too used to it though - now that a month of marking ten years of Orsm has passed things will return to normal... I hope. Before you go please read the following:
- Check out the site archives. They're like the warm feeling you get when in love except on the internet.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Be here then.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray laud his imagined superiority over you. Sure it sounds like no big deal but trust me it's how I imagine being suffocated feels like.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and congrats Ben & Jane. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2010.09.23-21.26 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. People who try to sound smart by using 'literally'...
Literally what a fucking manic month it's been and much to my chagrin, about all I can do is look forward to Christmas for any sort of meaningful break. Okay you could point out I only returned from a holiday a month ago but I've definitely made up for it. So three looong months give or take... or more specifically - 14 more updates. It doesn't much help that the weather is absolutely glorious so thoughts of sitting in the sun sipping a cold beer whilst watching the breasts girls walk past instead of bulk QT with the PC are running rampant.
Moving on... busy as everything has been lately, let's get straight onto me, my life, week, weekend and... me. Starting with Friday. Decided it was about time to visit a GP. Cannot remember the last time I had any sort of consultation because 1) I'm generally healthy; 2) dislike doctors; and 3) people who clog up waiting rooms with frivolous ailments annoy me.
There were two things I wanted checked - the 'woozy' feeling I get when standing up sometimes, apparently not a big deal, and the lump on my back. Funny thing about that lump... it's been there for several years [like three or four] and has never worried me but after dropping some weight recently it's become more prominent... to the point my brain imagines a basketball-sized protrusion hanging nonchalantly from my back.
So I go in, sit down, explain what's up, he checks my blood pressure [all good], spends a few seconds poking and prodding the lump, declares it nothing dangerous, says he'll have to refer me elsewhere for removal... aaand $65 please. Eh? Barely a five minute consult, quick turn on the sphygmomanometer, no surgery and it costs $13 a minute. That's $780 an hour, or over $6k a day! Admittedly they probably don't see patients at that frequency but even at say half of that its $15k a week. My point? I don't really have one except to say that is fucking ludicrous.
After getting the morning exercise out of the way first thing Saturday I embarked on what can only be described as a chainsaw massacre. Badly timed as usual, we're due for a 'green waste' collection which basically means cut down as much shit as possible and they'll collect and take away for free. The next few hours were spent up a ladder butchering every branch within reach. The resulting offcut pile was so big that if it catches fire the smoke will likely be visible from space. Good feeling though... like I had actually achieved something, made something of myself...
Sunday was pretty awesome - it's good to make a day all about me occasionally so after walking the lake, detouring to get car cleaning supplies, dog food and washing the car I did exactly that. How? A cruise of course. Sure it's nothing I don't do every other Sunday but the aforementioned sensational weather was in abundance and there was eye candy along the coast everywhere. Which reminds me - stopped along the way at a chemist. The girl who served me, wearing a lowcut top, leaned so far forward and exposed so much of her breasts that I stepped back involuntarily... not once but twice. Excellent customer service. Will definitely shop there again.
Tuesday was my birthday. Starting to feel like I don't want to admit my age so let's forgo it this year. Anyway it wasn't a bad one except for the fact it was impossible to take the day off. Stoopid update. That's one thing I always try to do but never manage - you shouldn't have to work on your birthday but still found time to do lunch with one parent then see the rest of the fam for cake later. As for presents: cheese, a lamp and magazine subscription. Have got a dinner + big boozy nite planned with friends this weekend so if the prez situation doesn't improve by then I'll be requesting back some of the countless wedding presents I've forked out for this year. Fuckers.
That should probably do it for the blog babble. HOPEFULLY you're life is richer for having read it. REALISTICALLY I just wasted two hours writing a bunch of crap no one reads. With this in mind please enjoy the rest of the update... the fourth massive instalment marking Orsm's tenth anniversary. Check it...
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Cool Timewaster - Bad Girls - Inspirational - Dickheads Are Cool - Feeding Time - Sasha Grey - Hawt Camgirl
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The Pope gets shot on his visit to the UK and is rushed to hospital. On his way to the operating theatre he whispers to the nurse "Am I in Heaven?" "No" replied the nurse. "We're just taking a shortcut through the children's ward".
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After meeting Susan Boyle and Michelle McManus on Friday, the Pope said that he was not surprised that his priests in Scotland were shagging young boys.
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I mistook the Popemobile for an ice cream van today. I only realised my mistake when I read "Wouldn't Mind That Child" written on the back.
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NEWSFLASH: The Pope refused to kiss the tarmac when he arrived at Edinburgh airport because it was over eight years old.
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The Pope is teaching his young nephew how to wank. "This is great" said the nephew. The pope replied "Wait until you're 13, you'll then be able to use your own cock!"
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A paedophile, a homophobe, a hypocrite and a Nazi walk into a bar. The barman says "Hello your Holiness".
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What's the difference between the Pope and George Michael? One has a soul full of hope, the other has a hole full of soap!
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Eggs Benedict: Poached eggs, toasted English muffin, Hollandaise sauce, concealment of paedophiles, ham.
--
George Michael has been found in his prison cell with a chocolate bar up his arse. A prison spokesman said it was just a careless Wispa....
--
George Michael has been forced to give hand jobs to his fellow inmates before having to make hot chocolate drinks for them. He is now working on a new song about his time inside. It's called "Wank me off before your Cocoa".
ORSM
VIDEO
COMPLAINTS MADE BY HOLIDAYMAKERS
"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time. This should be banned".
A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact she had mistaken the 'Do Not Disturb' sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.
"On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."
"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."
A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a water hole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel 'inadequate'.
"The beach was too sandy."
An angry guest came down to the front desk of a Holland America Line cruise ship demanding a different room. The attendant tried to calm him down and find out why he disliked his cabin so much. He responded: "I paid a lot of money for this cruise and was promised a sea view, the only thing I can see through my window is the damned parking lot!" The ship had not yet left the dock.
"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."
"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."
"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."
"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."
"There was no egg slicer in the apartment."
"We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
"The roads were uneven."
"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."
"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."
"The brochure states: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We are all trainee hairdressers - will we be okay staying here?"
"There were too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."
"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."
"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
"I was bitten by a mosquito. No-one said they could bite."
"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.
"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."
A hotel guest complained that his hotel room overlooking Sydney's Manly beach was unsuitable because the sound of the sea kept him awake.
"Why on earth did they build Windsor Castle on the flight path of Heathrow?"
"The disappointment telling the children that the reindeer could not fly was incredible. You must state this clearly in your brochure."
"I realise that there is no electricity in the Wilderness Cabins, but there should have been somewhere to recharge my phone"
"I think that it is appalling that you cannot go white water rafting in a stretch of river with no rocks."
"You said that your local Slovenian reps spoke English, but you failed to mention the Slovenian accents"
An American lady tourist visiting the amphitheatre at Ephesus, Turkey, said: "If this had been built in America they would have put an elevator in."
"The sand was too hot. The brochure didn't tell us this."
At Machu Picchu I encountered a British tourist arguing with the entrance staff demanding a refund for his entry fee. His complaint, "There are too many clouds around the surrounding mountains".
"The leaves of the plants in the front garden are dusty."
"There is somebody living in the attic and he has poisoned the food in the freezer. We want it replaced."
An American couple had travelled to the north of Norway to see the midnight sun, but as they stood there they complained that it was the same sun as home in America and wanted their money back.
"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
| CARLI AND ZOE |
 |
|
A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realises that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The Priest is pleased with the response.
They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied, "My bike."
ORSM
VIDEO
A city gal and her new hubby move to the country. She had always wanted a horse. One day while in the next borough, she sees one for sale and buys it. It"s early, no one is around and she wants to "feel free" so she takes off all her clothing and starts riding along the lake.
Along the way she rides through a very small town. She doesn"t care, but a few old men are outside and they stare at her as she rides by. She"s so happy she gets on her cell phone and calls her husband and tells him she bought a horse.
He asks, "Is it a male or a female?" She replies, "I"m positive it"s a female". "Honey, you know nothing about horses," he asks, "how do you know it"s a female?" "Because as I was riding through a small town, some men were outside and I heard them say, "Would you look at the cunt on that horse!"
| THAT ASS |
 |
|
A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready.
A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat.
The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."
| THE ART OF BEGGING |
 |
|
Berkowitz is having a drink at his hotel when he spots a beautiful young woman at the other end of the bar. "Bartender," he says, "Give that lady whatever she likes, and put it on my tab."
When the drink is delivered, the woman gives Berkowitz a warm smile. A moment later he's at her side. "That was very kind of you," she says. "Won't you sit down?"
After a few minutes of small talk, she says, "Let me be honest with you. You're a very nice man, but I don't think you realise that I'm a professional. I'd be delighted to go upstairs with you for a hundred dollars. Now, if that's not what you had in mind, I certainly understand, and I'll say good-bye now, no hard feelings."
"I'm surprised," says Berkowitz. "But you're a beautiful lady, and I like you, too. I've never done something like this before, but sure, let's go upstairs."
When they get to Berkowitz's room, he says, "I was wondering. There's something about you that makes me think you might be Jewish." "Well, I am," she replies a little defensively. "Why do you ask?""Well, I'm Jewish, too," says Berkowitz. "And since we're both Jewish, I was hoping you would give me a discount." "Dammit," she replies, "I was afraid this would happen. Okay, twenty percent off. But I want you to know, at these prices I'm not making any profit!"
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READER MAIL
Got something Orsm-worthy? Submit it! If your shit is good enough it'll be featured on the main page and then archived for all eternity. On the Orsm want list are pics of your terrible ex-girlfriend, tasty current girlfriend, jokes, funny videos and pretty much anything else you can staple to an email and send my way. All you must do is click here to make it happen.
<with held> wrote:
Subject: re: bendigo bank ad
Morning Orsm dude, Thought I saw a 2nd spelling out of the word cunt on that advert. Bit ambiguous but at 17 secs, just as the guy pumps up the T, I'm sure its spelled out using a curly climbing frame thing, the chairs in the background and the bloke himself as the N. Love the site, keep up the good work and don't use my details please. Have a good un
I kind of see it... not as deliberate/obvious as the other one though. -Orsm |
Jay wrote:
Subject: Combat troops in Iraq are not gone
PLease don't fall for the "Combat troops are out of Iraq". Here is a letter from a family member in Iraq.....
Hey everybody I just wanted to send a quick update and give you the REAL story on what's going on over here with the troop withdrawal. The picture is of my crew and I on a break during a mission. The guy to the far left is my gunner (name removed) and the guy in the middle is my driver (name removed). They go with me on every mission and are great guys. The reason I'm sending this out is because I have had a few people ask if I left Iraq early because all of the combat troops are out of Iraq and I wanted to let everyone know the real deal. It's kind of ridiculous how the news is saying that the last of the "combat" troops are out of Iraq because of Pres Osama (I mean Obama ). He says that it was his campaign promise. Take our Brigade for example. We were originally called a HBCT (Heavy Brigade Combat Team).
Well since Obama said he would pull all of the "combat" troops out by Aug all they did before we left was change our name from a HBCT to a AAB (Advise and Assist Brigade ). We have the same personnel/equipment layout as before and are doing the same missions. The ONLY difference is that they changed our name from a HBCT to an AAB and that's how he is getting away with saying that he has pulled all of the "combat" troops out. It is really ridiculous what he's doing and he has ticked alot of people off. And it's funny how the media is buying all of it to. So no the last combat troops are not out of Iraq we are still here. There are other Brigades just like ours that are doing the same missions that are still over here. Sorry or going on about it but we are just sitting over here watching it and are like "You've got to be kidding me!" So anyway now you know the REAL story so that's why I'm not coming back early. You have to watch those liberals, they're sneaky! Anyways I hope everyone is doing well and I'll see you soon! |
Stefan wrote:
Subject: [No subject]
Some random shite I saw in Prague a few months ago... No details please
Well they do say art is subjective. -Orsm |
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Andrew wrote:
Subject: Julia Gillards Company Estate
Was just browsing the Autotrader - came across this...
For anyone who doesn't quite get this - Julia Gillard is Australia's new Prime Minister. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: i got a new tattoo
my new gf likes it! please keep my info quiet |
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Somecunt from Subi wrote:
Subject: Commonwealth Games
With the XIX Commonwealth Games in Delhi just around the corner I thought this photo very fitting.
Looks like no one is going at this point... -Orsm |
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Stuart wrote:
Subject: Caution
The word is on the street in England...
|
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Luke wrote:
Subject: They got worse
Somehow I ended up looking at these lookalikes. The one attached blew me away as I really thought it was AJ. [Source]
Angelina Jolie post horrific car accident maybe? -Orsm |
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f brown wrote:
Subject: park a car
park a car sorry not pic but he was blocking he must got to high
Nothing about this picture surprises me. 99% of people are too ignorant of other drivers both on the road and when parking. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Shit
Hey hey... awesome site. Take a look at the massive shit my 23 year old wife took! Please hide my details!
Emails like this are why I show up! -Orsm |
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Bill wrote:
Subject: Random Shite
Great site. Found this on the menu in a little asian restaurant in Munich |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Photo
Hey Orsm.... I love your set. I've drop in every week. Keep it up! Here's a pic of me and my girlfriends. We had a great time with the gal in the
middle. It was HOT. Please hide my details. Muah! |
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micah wrote:
Subject: you = bitch
hey mate, the wife stumbled across this one on netflix. enjoy! |
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seymore wrote:
Subject: teeth
I must admit that negroes have whiter teeth than we do.
Poor whitey. -Orsm |
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Adrian wrote:
Subject: Accident in Johannesburg
Hi Mr Orsm. Someone was watching over her for sure. This is a miracle, she should be dead! From Johannesburg (Egoli) in South Afrika. Unbelievable, this car was crushed between the fence and the lorry and when the lady driver was eventually cut free all she had was, apart from the distress and shock and a wrote off car, a cut finger. She can thank the Lord she is still alive. |
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Bishop wrote:
Subject: Very mad cows
Interesting photos from a ranch in the Kettle Valley area where every year they have to deal with some pretty weird stuff. This year, September, 2010, a bear had been bothering the herd and I guess enough was enough. Read on... |
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Gábor wrote:
Subject: Too long...
Hi! It's a new project in my premise. The 40feet container shifting with a multilift truck and a barrow. Hilarious. |
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Westy wrote:
Subject: Pics for the site :)
Gday Mr ORSM. Dump the clutch - ouch! Here is one good reason not to dump the clutch at 8500rpm! Keep these pictures in mind and remember some mechanical sympathy when driving. Cheers |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Photos
Hey Mr. Orsm! I work at a restaurant and these are credit card vouchers with some interesting names for y'all to gaze upon. Also... we run around a lot in this Texas heat and require something extra for our derrières. Love you! Withhold info please. |
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bernie wrote:
Subject: Pics from Vietnam
took the wife to Brunei, Malaysia, Vietnam & Thailand. Thought you might be interested in "some" of the 600 pics we took? Pic 1 is one of the many "strap on's". Pic 2 is what they do with tree roots. count the Elephants if you can? Pic 3 is of an extremly rare XA Harley, only 1011 got made. Pic 4 is a tree that took many years to grow like this and the Monestry has plenty. Pic 5 is in Chang Mai, Thailand and is one of the best places for Aussies (or anyone) to visit. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pics
Here's a few pics of my buddy's gf. Nice tits! As usual, withhold the details. Thanks Orsm!
H-O-T! -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Stuff for your site...
Attached is a little graphic my co-workers and I developed to explain current management style. Thought I'd share with the world... Keep rocking, hold my info, blah-blah-blah... |
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Steven wrote:
Subject: Serena
Serena Williams warming up before Wimbledon Final....xxx
Spat my drink out when I watched this. Hilarious. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: The Poison Pen Letter.
ORSM Mate, Something a bit weird but also funny happened this morning. I went out the front door of my house and found a letter (6 pages on note paper) stuck under the door mat. Seems someone got the wrong address. The attachment is a word for word transcription, emphasis and all. Cheers mate, keep up the good work. PS. I deleted the chicks surname because I don't want to be any part of this crap. |
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user.name wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Mate! Always loved the site and finally got an opportunity to do something fucken cool for you to add. Seriously if you pulled up to a basketball court in your lunch hour and found an old beat up shopping trolley would you do anything different? |
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| DARE DORM |
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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and, one night, he's doing a show in a small town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual Collingwood jokes.
Suddenly, a Collingwood supporter in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid Collingwood jokes. What makes you think you can talk about our players that way? Its men like you who keep supporters like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against Collingwood... pathetically all in the name of humour!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the supporter yells, "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but they end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese." "Oh, how childish," says the poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turns to the tall, shiny golden retriever and says, "How well can you do?" "Umm... I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the golden retriever. "My, my," says the poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?" The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile and a sly wink, turns to the golden retriever and the lab, and says... "Liver alone. Cheese mine."
| BIG RED: NIKKI RHODES |
 |
|
A wealthy trader from Wall Street stopped in at the local tattoo parlour in Key West, Florida and requested to have a one hundred dollar bill tattooed on his penis. The heavily tattooed tattoo artist looked at the extremely well dressed trader with a look of complete astonishment, and said "I've had strange requests, but this one tops the list. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your member with the picture of a one hundred dollar bill?"
The trader in his usual fashion looked at the burly artist and told him this account. "There are three distinct reasons I want this done and done immediately. One, I love to play with my money. Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow. Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow a hundred bucks, she won't have to leave home to do it!"
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Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.
Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.
Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.
"What on earth are you doing Mick" says Paddy. "Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin' bejesus out of me" says an obviously embarrassed. Mick, "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
| CAPTURE THE MOMENT |
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Feeling it was time for a shakeup, a large manufacturing company hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?" From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
| KENZIE MARIE |
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It was a weekend morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice sitting there fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, "What are you up to?" Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"
Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along. They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife up in a tree stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."
Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant, much less a deer. But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots.
Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, "Get away from my deer!"
Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. Once again he hears her yell, "Get away from my deer!" followed by a volley of gunfire.
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"
ORSM
VIDEO
The end.
- Check out the site archives before I punch you in the face.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Good chance it will be the biggest and bestest ever. DO NOT miss it... or do. Up to you really.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will ejaculate on pretty much everything you own.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and RIP Malcom Douglas. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
|
| orsmupdate 2010.09.16-21.18 |
|
Welcome to Orsm.net. You're so fat that Google wants to map you for Streetview.
Holy shit what an annoying week. I'm feeling all disenchanted and angry but I'm mostly non-violent so don't stress. Swear to god the damn phone has not stopped though. It'd be one thing if any of it was work related but it's been all social or "I need help with something" or whatever. I tell you being popular, intelligent and incredibly good looking definitely has its limits.
Another thing bugging the crap out of me more than usual is the whole 'Islam' issue which is encroaching more and more into every facet of our lives. Obviously with the Koran burning thing from last weekend we've been hearing plenty about it. People protested around the world, death threats made, that got cancelled and then some mung bean jumps on YouTube and smokes the pages of a Koran and a Bible which in turn created a couple more days of news stories. Can you say boring?
Day after day we're bombarded with more reasons that all Muslims are evil and day after day I care just a little bit less. Ultimately doesn't it come down to the person [or people] as opposed to the religion? Ie. If a person is a fucking moron does it make a difference what religion they are? And vice versa.
And before anyone calls me a Muslim sympathiser - the truth is I just don't care. I'm sick of hearing about it. Live and let live. Hate and ignorance are on the increase and so much of this can be blamed on the media. The moment a Muslim does something/anything it gets reported. I'm probably not innocent in all this either. Plenty of battles have been waged over the years in Reader Mail and I've essentially fuelled them by posting what you guys are saying, particularly responses and responses to responses. Probably time for that to change so we can focus on what's important [porn and racist humour] instead of hating each other.
Moving on... I can't work out why more people haven't noticed this. There's an ad on Australian TV for a bank. It's the usual fluff with a catchy tune and has been showing for quite a while during peak times. What's notable though is how the director has managed to subtly squeeze in the word 'cunt'. Not deliberate? Maybe but it's executed too well for me to think otherwise. Watch the clip and see if you can spot it otherwise here's a blurry screenshot.
Okay let's quickly run through my awesome weekend starting with Saturday. After working pretty hard to get my fitness up over the last few months, I'm now limited by how far the dog can go. She's showing signs of wear so the plan is to get some sort of gym equipment. Brother in tow we hit a local store and covered everything from free-weights to treadmills to home gyms. Actually learnt quite a bit and almost decided on a rowing machine which I'll get in a few weeks after a suitable amount of procrastinating has been done...
Ran into some friends whilst out and about later in the day. Chatting away I asked "So is the dinner thing still on for tonight?" which was met by a "What are you guys planning?!?". Ooops... seems I forgot it was a surprise birthday dinner. Sorry Fran. The bad thing is I didn't even make it to the dinner - plan was to meet them afterwards at whatever pub. By the time I was ready to join the festivities they were all too smashed and close to heading home.
Sunday was relatively relaxing. Lap around the lake first thing, parents place for a couple of hours, home to clean the car and garden, down the coast for a cruise then off to catch up with friends. Definitely didn't hurt that it was a picture perfect spring day either. Bring on summer.
Alright enough of my babbling. Let's get on with this monster update. Check it...
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Two young brothers, aged 5 and 6, are listening through the keyhole as their older sister is getting it on with her new boyfriend. They hear her say, "Oh, Jim, you're going where no man has gone before!" The six-year-old says to his brother, "He must be fucking her up the ass!"
--
General Public Notice: Please be advised I am sick to death of receiving messages about my dog after it savaged to death 3 Muslims, 2 Aboriginals and an Indian taxi driver. For the last time, he is NOT for sale!!
--
I walked in on the wife the other day struggling with the ironing board. She usually keeps it folded up and out of the way behind the laundry room door and then pulls it out on the rare occasion something actually needs ironing, like one of my dress shirts or a blouse she's planning on wearing. She was pulling and yanking on the thing when she saw me and declared, "You need to go out and buy me a new ironing board. It's almost impossible to get this thing's legs open." "Now you know what I have to deal with," I responded.
ORSM
VIDEO
A young gay man is confronted by some of his friends, and told that he may be drinking a bit too much and it seems like it may be getting in the way of his work and effecting some of his relationships. His friends are concerned that he may need to seek help. He took their feelings to heart and joined AA. At the end of a year of dedication he is clean and sober and gets his 'one year' pin.
He then thinks, he has wanted to stop smoking for awhile, could he use the same principles he used in AA to stop smoking? He sets himself on the path and does so.
By the second year when he gets his pin from AA, he is tobacco-free, and has a small dinner party to celebrate the fact. When he gets together with his friends, they are amazed at what good health he is in, and amazed that he is not only alcohol-free but also tobacco-free. They applaud his dedication.
About a year later, he has another dinner party and announces to all his friends that he is "no longer gay." His straight friends, as well as his gay friends, are totally amazed at this. No one believes he has managed to change so much in his life!
"Did you do the same things you did to stop drinking and smoking?" many asked."Was it just a choice of lifestyle change?" others asked. "Was it some type of religious revelation?" was even asked. "No, nothing so drastic," he replied. "It's just when I quit smoking, I found everything TASTED different."
| ERIN AND FAYE |
 |
|
A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/West Virginia State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Beckley WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. Lee, a drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied "You might as well take my ass to jail 'cause there ain't no way I can pass that test!"
ORSM
VIDEO
After 10 years of selfless service, a man realised that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no recommendation and that the Company is not doing anything about it. So he decided to walk up to his Human Resources Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager his observation. The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying "My friend, you have not worked here for even one day". The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.
Manager: How many days are there in a year?
Man: 365 days and sometimes 366.
Manager: how many hours make up a day?
Man: 24 hours.
Manager: How long do you work in a day?
Man: 8am to 4pm. 8 hours a day.
Manager: SO, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?
Man: 8 hours a day... 1/3 of the day.
Manager: That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?
Man: 122 (1/3x366 = 122 in days)
Manager: Do you come to work on weekends?
Man: No sir
Manager: How many weekend days are there in a year?
Man: 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays... 104 days.
Manager: Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?
Man: 18 days.
Manager: OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that 14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?
Man: 4 days
Manager: Do you work on New Years day?
Man: No...
Manager! : Do you come to work on Anzac Day?
Man: No...
Manager: So how many days are left?
Man: 2 days.
Manager: And do you come to work on Australia Day?
Man: No...
Manager: So how many days are left?
Man: 1 day, sir!
Manager: Do you work on Christmas day?
Man: No sir!
Manager: So how many days are left?
Man: None sir!
Manager: So, what are you claiming?
Man: I understand, sir. I didn't realise that I was stealing company money all these years!
| GIRLS KISSING GIRLS |
 |
|
Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via Facebook and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.
Rachel arrives first, wearing camel Versace, she orders a bottle of chilled Chablis. Clare arrives shortly afterwards, in grey Chanel, after the required ritualised kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of Chablis.
Then Sam walks in, wearing a faded old Barbour anorak, blue jeans and Wellington boots. She too shares the wine.
Rachel explains that after leaving school and graduating from Oxford in Classics she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London's leading law firms. They live in a huge house in North London, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in the hills above Monte Carlo.
Clare graduated from King's College and became a Consultant Gynaecologist. Her husband, Clive, is a leading A&E Consultant, they live in Dulwich and have a holiday home in Florida.
Sam explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Dougie, they run a tropical bird park in Norfolk and grow their own vegetables. Dougie can stand four parrots, side by side, on his willy.
Half way down the third bottle of Chablis, and several hours later, Rachel blurts out the her husband isn't Tim, he's Tom and he's a clerk for Islington Council, they live in a terraced house in Muswell Hill and keep a caravan in France.
Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are nurses in King's College, they live in Herne Hill and have a timeshare in Orlando.
Samantha says that she exaggerated too - the fourth parrot actually has to stand on one leg.
| SPARK PLUG FACTORY IN CHINA |
 |
|
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READER MAIL
Want to have you stuff featured on Orsm.net? Well it would probably be a good idea to email me first! We're always on the prowl for ANYTHING - pics of your skankvy Ex or tasty current GF, fucked up videos, funny ha-ha jokes, car stuff, scary stuff, stupid stuff - whatever! It's all welcome. Just do the clickety-click here and make the magic happen.
Matt wrote:
Subject: Emailing
At gym on bike. iPod on. Other patrons on both sides of me. I just farted but due to earplugs am unsure of the volume. Awkward |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: More on NBN
G'day ORSM bloke, The following is from an Expat Aussie now living in Asia that worked for OTC. His comments are uncensored and verbatim... [continues] |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Honor Killings
Yo orsm. Well an avid visitor for a long long time.............. Ramadhan just ended so back on line to check the updates........... hehehehehehhehehe [continues] |
Shontel wrote:
Subject: please hide my details
Hey Orsm, Been a reader of your site weekly now for a while, good stuff, love it. In reply to Subject: "So as to keep a alanced perspective; I thought you might like to see Christian and Western brutality at work, don't print my name or address please."
The difference is, this is a one off attack, by an obvious nut it has nothing to do with her culture or religion. However, the stonings, lashings, torture, honour killings and arranged marriages, not to mention the abuse/lack of women's rights we constantly hear about is all because of the people committing these depraved acts are muslims and grew up in the muslim culture. Find me an Atheist in the middle east that has killed his daughter because she didn't want to marry someone 40 years her senior. Find me an Atheist husband that gathered his friends and stoned his adulterous wife to death. Not all muslims are like this I'm sure, but you can't call the extremists a minority, rather it's the other way around. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Joy of facebook
G'day Mr.Orsm! Found this on facebook thought you might enjoy it and maybe share it to the orsm community. Hide details please.. Cheers!
Excellent tits. -Orsm |
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|
Lucas wrote:
Subject: Parking
How do you park a Ford Fiesta?
I've always wondered... -Orsm |
xitz wrote:
Subject: like this
The people of Michigan and New York need to take a lesson from the Spanish. In Spain, at Sevilla, local people found a way to stop the construction of a mosque in their town. They buried a pig on the site, making sure this would be known by the local press. The Islamic rule forbid the erecting of a Mosque on "pig soiled ground". The moslems had to cancel the project.. this land was sold to them by government officials. No protests were needed by the local people... and It worked !!! |
 |
atom wrote:
Subject: South Africa
Osama recruiting in Africa now?
Aww cute little baboon has a rifle. Time for someone to start a LOL Baboons website. -Orsm |
 |
V wrote:
Subject: Bloody Brilliant!
Gotta Love Oxford Street, Sydney for being able to get away with this one! I "thought" I saw it on my way a few weeks ago, but wasn't sure... so the next day, when there was less traffic, I had to stop and take the pic to share with you!! Maybe I should send it to Oprah before her arrival in Dec!! LOL!!! |
 |
SPC_75 wrote:
Subject: Dick's Pumping Service
Local concrete pumping business in Darwin NT |
 |
|
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Modern Malaysia
Hey buddy, Have been a regular since years. Here is something Malaysia truly Asia for the site. Took the snaps while dining out with a buddy of mine at TTDI Kuala Lumpur. Not a good sign of a muslim country eh? Sucks! |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Auckland ENgrish
Here you go Orsm. Thanks for putting up all my pics that I send you.
All that's missing is a 'Genious at werk' sign. -Orsm
|
 |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: orsm
Hi Mr Orsm. Got this off facebook, thought it was hilarious, Thank god he had white teeth or i wouldn't have noticed him... |
 |
Terry wrote:
Subject: No! I HAVEN'T SEEN YOUR LIPSTICK!
Why would you even ask me that? I'm insulted! Every time something goes missing around here, everybody looks at me! For your information, I don't even wear that shade - it doesn't flatter my complexion and it tastes terrible. Oops. |
 |
AL G wrote:
Subject: bluebonnets
Hellooooo Big "O". Been a long time since I sent something worthy ( at least I think this is). A Texan once told me not to pick the flowers along the road. Now I know why. KEEP IT UP DUDE......... |
 |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ex gf still sending me shit.
So heres the ex i sent you some pics of few years back. little more creative this time. And only gets better with age! yadda yah hide details bro. |
 |
Dick wrote:
Subject: Cannonball Run
Photos taken at the start of the Cannonball Run 2010 for motorcycles built before 1916. Location Wright Brothers Memorial in Kitty Hawk, NC
I must get some of those riding pants! -Orsm |
 |
Alex wrote:
Subject: Engrish from Brazil
Hi Orsm, Thanks for the years of faithful service. I finally have something to contribute from my trip to Brazil. Next time I'll get a good camera and focus on the women. |
 |
|
Thomas wrote:
Subject: Emailing
x girl
They some big tiddies. -Orsm |
Gordon wrote:
Subject: FOUND! A place to put OBAMAS photo
Where Obama's picture belongs |
 |
Nick wrote:
Subject: Emailing
ur viewers would like to see how Rescue's are carried out in South Africa by a dedicated groupof volunteers. These guys and girls go out of their way to perform extremely difficult rescues in extremely difficult situations and not a single one of them is paid for doing it... In conjunction with the South African Airforce these guys will go in day or night to extract people or animals in need of rescue and or medical attention, whether is mountain, urban or extra-urban they will be there... |
 |
Alexis Fan wrote:
Subject: The lovely Alexis Green
Hey Orsm,
Had to contribute this. Totally true. How lucky am I? This chick shared her pics
with me and I just had to share with you and the world. Her name's Alexis Green
and she's the hot totty that just moved in next door. She's a stripper and model
and want's to make it in the porn biz. I reckon she's got a future. What do you
think?
I think she looks exactly like Gianna Michaels albeit with smaller cans. -Orsm |
 |
Jeremy wrote:
Subject: South Africa derailment, how to derail a train proper
There's a train derailment.
If that's what they were trying to do, they did a great job. On the otherhand... -Orsm |
 |
Supaduck wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Never Seen 911 Slide Show
|
|
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
here are the last vids of my ex hope u enjoyed them
|
 |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pipeline Installation....
Good example of coordination and failure.
Very impressive. -Orsm |
 |
| DARE DORM |
 |
|
A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marvelled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence. "Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?" "I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks. "Only $4 apiece," says Green, The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough," says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back, and this time he's really angry. "Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!" "You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Two women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or so, they come to a stream. Unable to cross, they decide to walk along the stream and look for a narrower place. Fortunately they come to an old bridge spanning the stream. Deciding the bridge is safe, the two women proceed to cross. Halfway across, one woman stops and says to the other, "You know, I've always wanted to be like the guys, and pee off a bridge."
The other woman looks around and says, "Well, I don't see anyone around, now's your chance!" The first woman drops her hiking shorts and backs over to the side of the bridge. As she begins to urinate, she looks over her shoulder."Holy shit!" she exclaims, "I just pissed in a canoe!"
Alarmed, the second woman hurries over and peeks at the stream. "Calm down," she says. "That wasn't a canoe you pissed in, it was just your reflection."
| DANI WOODWARD |
 |
|
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The doctor is examining a patient who is in a great deal of pain. He puts his stethoscope up to the guy's thigh and hears, "Give me $10, please! I'm desperate! I have no money, and I only need $10!"
The doctor puts his stethoscope up to the guys' knee and hears, "Please! You've got to help me! I can get by with $5, even! Just $5! Please! I haven't any money, even $5 will help."
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| COOL CUSTOM BIKES |
 |
|
A tourist is walking on a country road, when a farmer comes along with his horse-drawn cart. "Excuse me, is this the road to Suwalki?" the tourist asks. "Yes, it is," says the farmer. "How far is it?" "Half an hour by cart." "May I ride with you?" "Certainly."
After half an hour, the tourist begins to grow uneasy. "How much further is it to Suwalki by cart?" he queries. "Oh, an hour or so." "What? You told me it was only half an hour away, and we have been travelling that long already!" "Yes, but in the opposite direction."
| STORMY |
 |
|
A wealthy trader from Wall Street stopped in at the local tattoo parlour in Key West, Florida and requested to have a one hundred dollar bill tattooed on his penis. The heavily tattooed tattoo artist looked at the extremely well dressed trader with a look of complete astonishment, and said "I've had strange requests, but this one tops the list. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your member with the picture of a one hundred dollar bill?"
The trader in his usual fashion looked at the burly artist and told him this account. "There are three distinct reasons I want this done and done immediately. One, I love to play with my money. Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow. Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow a hundred bucks, she won't have to leave home to do it!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Well that's pretty much that. I could go on but you've probably heard enough of me so I'll just leave you with this...
- Check out the site archives. You'll find every single update going back for the last 10 years... even the bad ones.
- Next update will be next Thursday. My OC ensures this is always the case.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will punch you in the dick.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and Happy Birthday to ME... this coming Tuesday... I'm expecting presents. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
|
| orsmupdate 2010.09.09-23.35 |
|
Welcome to Orsm.net. Wetter than a tween at a Justin Bieber concert.
Realised today that after spending most of summer drunk, it's been almost since then that I've managed to achieve the same state. Well since about April anyway. And I'm talking ridiculously, time of your life, embarrassing, wake-up vowing 'never again' drunk. I'm at that undesirable age where everyone is doing the family/kids thing which doesn't particularly suit me so I hereby call 'selfish' on all their behalves. Not even as if I'm that old but the comparison to say ten years ago is stark. Just about every Saturday was one of drunken shenanigans [that's how I remember it anyway...] whereas now I can barely even think up half a dozen 'crew' to muster for no particular occasion. Really makes me wonder if 1) my best years are behind me & 2) WTF are things going to be like in another ten?
And while I'm on the subject of thinking ten years into the future... as I mentioned last week, September marks Orsm's tenth anniversary. With yours truly at the helm since blast off, something I often wonder is how it will all end. Maybe I very quietly sell up and a new Orsm takes over, maybe the government's fantabulous internet filter forces me into retirement or maybe everything stops with a bang. Whatever the deal be warned I have a long history of ending things badly so I'll just apologise now for whatever happens...
Moving on... in case you weren't paying attention - Australia finally has resolve in terms of who will run the place. Unsurprisingly the two of the three independent seat winners put their vote towards re-electing the current government, albeit with the smallest margin possible. This practically guarantees the internet [read: censorship] filter which is quite possibly the most retarded thing I've ever heard. It also grants some of the scary parties [ie. Greens] with more power than they should ever have and ability to mandate their insane agenda.
No doubt plenty of people were happy but most of what I heard was outrage following Tuesday's decision. Ears pinned to the radio, talkback callers were far from impressed and my Facebook newsfeed erupted in disgust. This probably sums it up best: "Congratulations Julia Gillard on becoming the first elected female prime minister more than half the population did not vote for, and only then because 2 ministers who people voted for instead of Labor decided you were the lesser of 2 evils. I hope you feel proud".
Okay still got some space to fill so let's do some sort of me and my life's coverage... it's why you're all here for right? Vicariously and all that...
Friday and Saturday were happy-happy-joy-joy. No real reason why except everything went my way, there was no pressure and I was generally happy to be alive. It's usually at those times you have to be careful because someone or something is waiting around a corner to knock you down a peg or six but thankfully nothing evil eventuated. Anyway, while one side of the country was under water, it was clear blue skies and glorious warm weather so I started Saturday with a bout of exercise and a trip to the hardware store... you see, there's this fucking laundry tap which drips incessantly. It's been leaking forever and I'm reluctant to repair because it's a expensive and ALWAYS within a matter of weeks the cleaning ladies over tighten the taps and it starts dripping again. Honestly is it that hard to stop turning when the water stops? Apparently so.
Woke up relatively enthused and energetic Sunday so bundled the pooch in the car and headed to a place called Lake Monger for a walk/run. Very popular spot for others doing the same and always a few bits of eye candy to focus on and keep you motivated whilst staring discretely at their behinds. Spent the next couple of hours umm'ing and ahh'ing as to whether or not I should clean the car. Decided against it due to the forecast for rain... as usual it was wrong and not a drop did fall but I'd missed my chance by then anyway. The rest of the afternoon was broken up with the mandatory cruise down the coast to get coffee. One notable was how many old, hotted up cars were out - everyone enjoying the day and come to think of it they probably can't be driven without overheating in summer anyway. All up a fucking good, low key weekend. More like it please.
Alright enough of my shit. Let's get on with Rock-tember's second update - yet another burgeoning masterpiece awaits so prepare yourselves. Check it...
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Play Me - Breasty Babes - Raver Hotties - Epic Wedgie - Too Too Funny - Surf Insanity - Crazy Bitch - Too Much Pussy
Wedding Brawl - Peeping Tom - Hayden Panettiere - Katy Perry's Tits - Girls Of Golf - Exploding Elbow - Awesomeness
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The Pakistani Cricket team's hotel burnt down last night. Police are still trying to establish who threw the match.
--
A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby won't take it so she says, "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here." Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here". The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago!"
--
A bloke goes up to a fat chick in a pub. He asks if she's got a pen. She answers him "Yes! As a matter of fact I do". He comes back with "Does the farmer know you've got out?"
--
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings." "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in my car!"
ORSM
VIDEO
One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring. "Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks. "Well, she replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."
A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat. "Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks. She replies "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."
Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming red Ferrari. You guessed it - her share of the lotto winnings...
That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the bath plug.
"What's this?" she asks her husband. "Well," he replies, "We don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we??"
| GEORGIA JONES |
 |
|
AH KIDDIES...
NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a new starter handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents..."
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
POLICE #1
While taking a routine vandalism report at a primary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop? Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoelace?"
POLICE #2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
ELDERLY
While working for an organisation that delivers lunches to the elderly, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not darling?" asked dad. "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
DEATH
While walking along the pavement in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton wadding, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goooes."
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through it when suddenly, something fell out. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between its pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
ORSM
VIDEO
POSSIBLE HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2030
-Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognised as Mexifornia's third language.
-Spotted Owl plague threatens Northwestern United States crops and livestock.
-Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
-Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
-Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
-Iraq still closed off. Physicists estimate it will be at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
-France pleads for global help after being taken over by Algeria. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation.
-Castro finally dies at age 112. Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
-George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
-Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces weekly mail delivery to Wednesday only.
-Shipping figures released today by the Government show Christmas Island is now Australia's busiest Port.
-85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
-Average weight of Americans drops to 300lbs.
-Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
-Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
-Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
-Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
-New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
-Congress authorises direct deposit of previously illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
-IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
-Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.
| WESTERN AUSTRALIA [PART II] |
 |
|
John took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale and it read 117 so she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
| ART IN LIFE: THE NIP SLIP |
 |
|
A cowboy walks into the dentist's office and after an examination the dentist says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes." The cowboy grabs the doc's arm and says. "No way. I hate needles. I'm not having any shot!"
So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas." The cowboy replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."
So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "Here," he says. "take this pill." The cowboy asks, "What is it?" The doc replies, "Viagra." The cowboy looks surprised and asks, "Will that kill the pain?" "No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to while I pull the tooth."
RANDOM SHITE
I don't even know what to say about this... so I'll just leave it with 'check it' and be on my way...
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READER MAIL
There's enough mail this week to go and start a whole other site but what fun would that be for me... running one site is enough. Thanks however go to everyone who has filled my box. Every email is welcome no matter how many times I've seen it or how grossly offensive it is. Please don't stop there though - my ego is directly linked to the influx of various items from all corners and without it I'd lapse into a vegetative. Sooooo what do I want? What don't I want is probably easier so basically just avoid anything with cruelty and/or sex with kids and/or animals and you should be right. Got it? Greeeeeat. Now send!
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Please forward this on to the 5 independents that have the balance of power, as I don't have their email addresses.
Another Pink Bat fiasco 60 Billion??? WOW. This NBN was a beat-up from the start. This mob is just the worst this country has ever experienced. WHY isn't this in media?? [continues] |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Re: "Beware Australia; You're Next!"
Yo Orsm, Big fan of your site, not so much a fan of the ignorant shit people seem fond of sending you. In this case, the anti-Muslim crap that you get from those who just want to demonize all Muslims based on the actions of Muslim extremists. It's insulting to those of us who actually know something about Islam, just like it would be insulting to Christians to spread pictures in non-Christian countries insinuating that radical evangelical hate groups (like the Westboro baptist church) represent all of Christendom. Those people are definitely assholes, but they are not representative of 99% of Christians, just like clitoral mutilation is not advocated by 99% of Muslims. Such propaganda isn't much different than the posters that were used by the Nazis to fuel intolerance for Jews in pre-WWII Germany (for one example) and the people who spread them are no better than those who spread Nazi material, they just have a different target for their bigotry. Not saying that you're intentionally supporting this by posting it to your page, but wanted to give you the reason why I find such posts to be ridiculous at best, and fucking despicable at worst. Anyway, aside from the occasional distasteful submission, your site kicks ass, keep up the good work! |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Honour Killings
G'day Orsm, Again I'll bring you the inner workings of the Islamic faith. These beautiful, beautiful girls were killed by members of their own family. Why? Well mostly because they liked the Western style of life or would not marry an OLD bloke... God give me strength. Is the Islamic faith so blind that it cannot see? |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: So much for peace and western justice
So as to keep a balanced perspective; I thought you might like to see Christian and Western brutality at work, don't print my name or address please. |
Mikey wrote:
Subject: Yummy
G'day! This comic was in today's news... I got a chuckle out of it, but I have to admit that I love the stuff. I wish it wasn't so damn expensive here, and so hard to find. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Louis Black takes out Glenn Beck
I am sure Glenn Beck, our latest loudmouthed demagogue, has made it to
Australia. Here is Louis Black taking the man down a few pegs. |
Jamie wrote:
Subject: Q
Are you John Boogard?
Don't think so but I'll check. -Orsm
|
<with held> wrote:
Subject: climate change
The whole argument about climate change is getting overrun with graphs and bullshit from people with agendas on both sides of the fence. There are only two things that people should know about this debate. Number one is the climate is always changing. It always has and always will. Number two is that never in the history of the world has increased CO2 been related to an increase in global temperature. In fact quite often it has been the opposite. CO2 is food for plants. The more CO2 the better plants grow, the more Oxygen they produce. CO2 is what we breathe out. CO2 is not a poisonous gas that people would have us believe. We are made of carbon. The climate has changed in the last decade to what it was the decade before. But if you go back over rainfall records for the last one hundred years (a blink of an eye in the history of the world) there are years that are similar to recent years at the turn of the 20th century. No one thinks we should belch poisonous gas into the atmosphere or pour chemicals into the waterways. But lets not allow others to pollute our minds with the notion that CO2 is the root of all evil. Lets just get our fingers out of our arses thinking that we humans are the centre of the universe. |
Bosun wrote:
Subject: Traditional Healer
Thought you might like this traditional South African sick note, only submitted today as you will see, so it is fresh. I have already warned my staff that this would not be acceptable for 6 weeks leave. Cheers
Not acceptable!? Why on Earth not!!? -Orsm
|
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Mick wrote:
Subject: couple of picks
Self explantory. Couple of blokes going fishing................any questions?
Saves getting your feet wet... -Orsm
|
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Benny
Ben Cousins- Chinese Version
For anyone who doesn't know - this. -Orsm
|
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James wrote:
Subject: Mr Webmaster
Thanks for your weekly updates. It keeps me sane and I look forward to them every week. I have another random photo you may like to add. Just a number plate I saw when leaving Uni yesterday. I wish I got it first! |
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Nick wrote:
Subject: Rim Job number plate...
Im currently selling my car with similar plates..... wasn't brave enough to go the straight out RIM JOB. |
 |
Marcus wrote:
Subject: Floreat Forum Dodgy Subaru Filter Pod
Saw this Subaru Forester parked in a disabled bay at Floreat Forum shopping centre last weekend. Candidate for the "There - I fixed it!" award! I wonder if it's his Mum's car that he borrowed hoping she wouldn't notice?
That's true craftsmanship right there. -Orsm
|
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Things are looking up in the IT world - Check these pay rates.
Hi Mr ORSM, Long time viewer, first posting.... Keep up the good work... blah blah. Looking for a new job in the IT world I was stunned to find this gem posted on the MyCareer site. The IT industry must be back in the boom times if this entry is any indicator. |
 |
Vindictus wrote:
Subject: Random shite
Found this pic while surfing the web and the Google ad right above it made me wonder if they plan this shit. Awesome site, Cheers mate |
 |
Dee wrote:
Subject: amazon eve RE: 205cm 14yrold
Seeing video of that 14yr old nearly 7 footer....reminded me of this chick. KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK!!! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: gf pic
This is a picture some bird sent to me.. If you like it I'll send more!!! No details please..
Is it just me or does that look like it hurts? -Orsm
|
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|
Supaduck wrote:
Subject: 7.1 Earthquake
State of emergency called in Christchurch NZ. A quake with magnitude 7.4 struck just 30km from the city at 4.30am 04/09/10. [Pics and] heres a wee vid of what it did. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Black Ho
Please HIDE my email address. Here are some pics of a black ho I was banging recently. Look at those pussy lips!! |
 |
Mike wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Van Collision with moose
Oooops. -Orsm
|
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Hide the details please |
 |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics
Greetings! I'm sending some vid-caps of an ex. I hope they're good enough to post and that the picture content makes up for the image quality. I really enjoy the site and hope to contribute. Do with them as you like. No info please. |
 |
Steven wrote:
Subject: LOGGING TRUCK INCIDENT
Secured the load?!!! not me!!!! The driver was attempting to throw a chain over the logs to secure them & as you can see, hooked the 7.2 kv primary instead! He said the tires began to fry within seconds…..very lucky man... he could easily have been fried himself! Identify the hazards on your worksite! |
 |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: woman i was fucking - withold details please
here are a few pics of a woman I was fucking for a couple of years behind her fiancés back, right up until 2 days before she got married, if you look at the pictures closely you can see she has the engagement ring on. I even fucked her when he was ill in hospital with the possible fact that he wouldn't recover..... not spoken to her in over a year now but thought I should share the pics finally. please withold my details |
 |
Hank wrote:
Subject: Scottish race team
hope you will pop these up on your site for us. a Scottish race team known as the V8 squardron racing last weekend at Silverstone came home 2nd and 3rd in class. drivers were Willy Toy and Barry Riddell. thanks |
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tony wrote:
Subject: orsm
hey here is some more pix and vids of my ex loved to see u uesd my first lot seh is 44 and has the best tits what do u think ?????? pls dont show my details |
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Iain wrote:
Subject: Tiger Shark
Thought you could use this. A fisherman hooked a tiger shark after the shark ate another fish being reeled in. when the shark surfaced a human leg could be seen poking out of the sharks mouth. The fisherman decided to keep the shark and turn it over to the Royal Bahamas Defense Force. The incident took place on the southern part of New Providence, Nassau, Bahamas. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: ex gf
here are pics of my ex gf that still wants to fuck me even though shes married hide my details please
And you broke up with her because...? -Orsm
|
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: a new video for you
Hey Orsm, Thanks for all your hard work over the years. In 2009 I learnt how to fly choppers over your way in Perth. Since then I spend loads of time tearing around the country and filming special events. I wanted to share this recent vid with you and the world, it was filmed last week after the big dump of snow. Basically I flew all around the Kosciusko National Park with a small camera fixed to the nose of the chopper. Not all the footage came out cause of the glare but I still love it. The music is a fav track too, but I'm not sure it appeals to everyone! |
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| DARE DORM |
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|
ORSM
VIDEO
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."
He whips down his pants and says, "Look! It's still in the crate!"
| AMAZING PENCIL ART |
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|
A couple was going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, but just needed to put the dog out when the taxi arrives however as the couple walked outside the dog shoots back in the house.
They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver: "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!"
| MAN EATER: VERONICA RACQUEL |
 |
|
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Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mould and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and wreaks something awful.
Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I sure as fuck aint touching it..."
RANDOM SHITE
And now for part TWO. Call me generous if you must. No no... go on - I can handle it. Check it...
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course the wife agrees and they do it again...
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realises that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die." She says, "Of course, dear" and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..." At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Morris, enough is enough. I have to get up in the morning. YOU DON'T!"
| HEIDI BROOKS |
 |
|
ORSM
VIDEO
All done. Any questions? Here are the answers:
- Check out the site archives. They split their pants. We all laughed.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Don't hold me to it though.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will organise a bonfire at his local mosque to burn 200 copies of The Bible.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and go Dockers. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
|
| orsmupdate 2010.09.02-21.15 |
|
Welcome to Orsm.net. Haha that's so funny the last time I heard that joke I fell off my dinosaur.
Where to start, where to start. So much to get through today it's ridiculous. Let's do it this way - the most interesting thing to happen this week/month is that Orsm celebrates ten [fucking long] years on the web. The least interesting thing to happen is my joy associated with finding a spare light globe in a cupboard to replace the toilet light which blew over a week ago. Little victories... they're what I'm all about.
Moving on. I find it absurd that almost two weeks after Australians voted in the Federal election there is still no clear winner. If you don't live here or haven't been paying attention, after all votes were counted, neither of the major parties won enough seats to form a government. The onus then falls to several independents not affiliated with any party to choose a side therefore allowing a government to be formed. In the meantime the independents who won seats are being furiously courted to find out what it'll take to get their support and break the deadlock. This is where the absurdity comes into it - three or four people essentially have all the power which in some ways makes it feel like voters shouldn't have wasted their time voting.
Okay now I'll switch things back to me and my exciting life continuing with part two of my road trip... admittedly it's probably more interesting to me than anyone else but it beats having to think up something blog-worthy...
So starting where I left off - Albany. This is my third time there and it keeps growing on me. Albany is big enough that there's always something to do but not so big you don't feel like you're on a holiday. Anyway I kicked off my Sunday with a very long stroll along the coast. Nothing I can't do at home but it's not often you see whales basking just offshore. Spent the rest of the day traversing up and down the coastline before heading back to the beach at sunset to see two more pods of whales. Quite incredible that locals have that on their doorstep. The whales are probably happy the whaling station is no longer operating too...
Departed westward the following day for the tiny town of Pemberton. This drive is probably my favourite stretch of road anywhere - so many sights to see and take in that it's impossible to cover everything in a day although I tried. First was a stop in Denmark for a pie, raided a Toffee Factory, explored some of the incredible beaches, did the Valley of the Giants Treetop Walk which is a scary-as-fuck 40metre high structure weaving through the forest, Hilltop Drive and Circular Pool in Walpole before rolling into town around 5pm. Such an awesome day.
I drove through 'Pemby' last year and loved it so added a one night stop to poke around. Didn't disappoint either. Only had half a day to cover everything which was nowhere long enough but still managed to squeeze in the Big Brook Dam, 70 metre tall Glouscter Tree [which I chose NOT to climb], checked out but didn't ride the railway, quick segue out to a town called Northcliffe and back to Pemby to go fishing. Basically a trout farm where you hire tackle, head down to the pond and go hard. Ended up catching five in no time. Once you're done they either clean the fish so you can take home or cook so you can eat there. Very cool.
The next five days were spent in and around Dunsborough. Managed to squeeze a lot in including Gracetown where the surfer was taken by a shark the day previous, Augusta and Bornaup Forest. Also took some time to just sit on my butt and just relax which I really hadn't done the entire trip. Friends drove down on the Thursday to meet me which turned out to be a lot of fun. We hit a few restaurants, breweries, wineries, cheese and chocolate factories and another major highlight, got a winery tour by the head winemaker. Fascinating. We spent the Saturday night getting drunk and watching the election coverage. Good way to chillout before the [short?] 250km drive home the next day.
All up one of, if not, the best holidays I've ever had. Here's the route if you're interested. This actually brings me to something that's been annoying me. I could name probably 100 people [friends/family/acquaintances/cohorts] who have been, are in or are going to Bali this year. Following the terrorism mess there in years gone by it is ultra cheap so West Aussies are flocking there en masse. Seems ridiculous when you consider how much awesomeness we have in our own backyard. Note to all: visit Australia.
Okay enough of that. Time to get started with the update and let me say right now it is a fucking cracker [ie. good!]. I really haven't had the time to plan anything special to mark the Orsm 10th anniversary so I've made everything fatter, bigger and larger. Go forth and enjoy. Check it...
Don't even think about paying for porn on the
net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on
the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn?
Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us
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A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year old daughter. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age." "Curious about Sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"
--
Ramadan is here again. The one time of the year when Muslims cannot eat or drink within the hours of daylight, they just starve. Never has the term, "Not enough hours in the day" been more appropriate!
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I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army Soup Kitchen. All I said was, "will you bastards hurry up! Some of us have a home to go to".
--
Got my son an iPhone for his birthday the other week, and recently got my daughter an iPod for hers, and was totally excited when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for father's day. Got my wife an iRon for her birthday. It was around then the fight started...
--
I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas and a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him "I wish I had your fucking will power".
ORSM
VIDEO
So, the Muslim investors championing the construction of the new mosque near Ground Zero claim it's all about strengthening the relationship between the Muslim and non-Muslim world.
As an American, I believe they have every right to build the mosque - after all, if they buy the land and they follow the law - who can stop them? Which is why, in the spirit of outreach, I've decided to do the same thing.
I'm announcing tonight, that I am planning to build and open the first gay bar that caters not only to the west, but also Islamic gay men. To best express my sincere desire for dialogue, the bar will be situated next to the mosque Park51, in an available commercial space.
This is not a joke. I've already spoken to a number of investors, who have pledged their support in this bipartisan bid for understanding and tolerance.
As you know, the Muslim faith doesn't look kindly upon homosexuality, which is why I'm building this bar. It is an effort to break down barriers and reduce deadly homophobia in the Islamic world.
The goal, however, is not simply to open a typical gay bar, but one friendly to men of Islamic faith. An entire floor, for example, will feature non-alcoholic drinks, since booze is forbidden by the faith. The bar will be open all day and night, to accommodate men who would rather keep their sexuality under wraps - but still want to dance.
Bottom line: I hope that the mosque owners will be as open to the bar, as I am to the new mosque. After all, the belief driving them to open up their centre near Ground Zero is no different than mine. My place, however, will have better music.
| WESTERN AUSTRALIA by ORSM |
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A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple".
Then one day the local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
The Husband replied "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man.
"We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once'."
"We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my wife quietly said, 'That's twice'."
"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead."
I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you fucking crazy!?" She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once."
ORSM
VIDEO
An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbour's dog whilst the neighbours went on their holidays.
The only problem was that the spinsters own dog was a bitch that was on 'heat' and the neighbour's dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.
As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep the spinster was suddenly awakened by an awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. She rushed down to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating. The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage.
Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.
Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone.
The spinster explained the problem, the vet said "I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the bitch"
"Oh" Said the spinster. "Do you think that will work?" "WELL" the vet replied... "IT JUST WORKED ON ME!"
| JENNIFER HAS PERFECT CANS |
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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2010 CLK. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it.
If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape. He turns and asks: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
| BEACH BOOBIES |
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|
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How you doing?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
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READER MAIL
Another massive mailbag this today as I try and get through all the submissions for the past few weeks. Some very cool stuff to keep you guys occupied for at least a little while too.
Cheers to everyone who has been busy bombarding me. I appreciate every single email no matter how many times I've seen it or how grossly offensive it is. Please don't stop there though - greed is my defining trait and as such I demand more! What do we want? What don't we want is probably easier so basically just avoid anything with cruelty and/or sex with kids and/or animals and you should be right. Got that? Great. Now send!
< with held> wrote:
Subject: Video of Stoning
Mate, I'm a member of the Australian Defence Forces, and have deployed to the Middle East several times, and I would gladly put myself in harms way again to protect the innocents in this conflict. This video is proof that what we are doing in Iraq and Afghanistan, fighting the Taliban, is just and right. Any belief system that condones this sort of shit is FUCKING EVIL and needs to be 'prosecuted with maximum prejudice'. I can't believe that the bleeding hearts and do gooders in this and other countries in the coalition, want our boys to come home, when these sorts of atrocities are being commited daily by a minority intent on subjugating their country men (and especially women) for political and personal gain. I personally know of similarly bloody minded crimes committed by the would be rulers of Afghanistan. I was deployed to an Airbase in Southern Afghanistan, and we had an Afghani contractor working for us, carting gravel. His annual income, before the war, was about $US500 per year. The NATO coalition payed him about $US500 per week to cart gravel, during the upgrade of airfield facilities. This poor man camped by the base during the week, and went home to his family on weekends. He went home one Friday night, Saturday being the Muslim sabbath, so we expected him back on the job on Sunday. He hadn't turned up by Monday, so the security forces went looking for him. He'd been dragged out of his truck on Friday night, 2KMs from the base and executed by the Taliban. Poor bastard was just trying to earn a living and support his family. That is the reason why those of us that have been there, would gladly go again, to try and give these people their basic human rights to live in peace and improve their lives. |
bernie wrote:
Subject: Burning down Australia by Labor???
The wanker that put this Power Point display on how fucked up Labor is has obviously forgotten where the so called $20 million came from?? His great mate John Howard, the mongrel who disarmed the nation with the Gun Buy Back scam, is the same cunt that sold as many of Australia's assets as he could to make him look better....on paper anyway! The reality of Politicians is simple, they are ONLY in it for the huge pay packets and NOT AT ALL FOR US. shoot them all I say! How about keeping political wank fests like his off ORSM in future eh? |
Craig wrote:
Subject: Re: stupid-customers-02
Question; Why was one charged $75, and the other $85? Was the extra 10 bucks to open the fridge and turn the shelf around? |
Tom wrote:
Subject: shame on you
Hi, I think your jokes about the floods in Pakistan are truly nauseating. How can you laugh about so much suffering. You must have a clump of ice in stead of a heart or else have a very small brain. Or both. What I wish for you is the capacity to recognize mistakes and to become a better person. Sincerally, tom
Off-colour, tongue in cheek and wrong is the way things are done around here. -Orsm
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Dylan wrote:
Subject: EATING FRUIT [INTERESTING READ]
The mystery of a detoxifying substance- we have a liver to do the job already. Seems to have worked fine for many thousands of years and we are all still here. "...you must let it mix with your saliva before swallowing it" - Huh?? Why? What? "Drinking Cold water after a meal = Cancer! (Fats) will line the intestine." I've seen the insides of many intestines and none of them were ever lined with fat. I don't suppose it is dangerous nonsense, but it is nonsense. |
John wrote:
Subject: fruit and cold water
Both the fruit on empty stomach and cold water "facts" are false. [See here and here] |
Lars wrote:
Subject: Bridges In China
Hi mr. Orsm, Great site you have - I'm a regular visitor since 2001. But you have an error on your "Bridges in China". The 1st is the Millau Bridge in France.
The 2nd is the Great Belt Bridge in Denmark (I live in Denmark, Europe :) ).
The 3rd is the Oresund Bridge in Denmark.
The 4th is the Great Belt Bridge in Denmark, again. The Island in the
front of the picure is Sprogø. In the old days (100 yrs ago) they kept
the "not so nice" girls their. I don't know if the other bridges are correct. |
Norman wrote:
Subject: Jason's emissions!
Never let the facts stand in the way of a good story! The CO2 saved by grounding European flights back in April/May more than offset the emissions from the volcano. Full story here. Great site. Keep up the good work. Cheers |
Paul wrote:
Subject: re: Emissions
Your contributor just quotes the work of one author/scientist who also happens to be the director of 3 mining companies (see Wikipedia article). Far from being a green - give me V8s anyday over a Prius - I was actually checking this guys facts as I would have loved it to be the case. Immediately came across this article here which I think you will agree kind of sits that other bit on it's arse. Bugger... Cheers |
Nathaniel wrote:
Subject: RE: Subject: SB 1070 Rally, Phoenix, 7-31-10
I live in AZ. I am no fan of illegal immigration, but I lying bitches are even worse. Those are not Mexicans or illegal immigrants. Those are native Americans. I can't tell what is written on the flags, but I would guess they are protesting something different. At any rate, those are U.S. Citizens, not illegals. Mexicans and Pima Indians look distinctly different if you spend enough time around them. Secondly, it is not illegal to desecrate the flag. This issue went to the supreme court 20 years ago, and they ruled that burning or otherwise desecrating the flag is protected under the right to free speech. |
Irish wrote:
Subject: picutre
This is my mate Kimbo getting fucked over by his opposite number in a Perth comp rugby game two weeks ago. Everybody thinks he is a cunt anyway so please post so everybody else can see him getting fucked.
For some reason reminds me of Conan the Barbarian pushing that spinny thing around... -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Beware Australia - You're Next
It's too late to save us in the UK. Thanks to the touchy feely 'musnt offend anyone' lefty liberals rolling out the welcome mat for every tossbag scrounger and their unlimited scumbag families we are well and truly fucked as a country. Or maybe that should be cuntry. The last thing we can do for the world is to serve as a terrible example of just how much Islam can fuck over and drag down a modern western nation. This pic gives you and idea about the mindset we have to deal with. Never give up fighting this sort of shit. |
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Brad wrote:
Subject: Not My Mercedes thank God
In Warrigal Rd Moorabbin the other day and wondered what the noise was and it turns out the Mercedes was being reversed out and driven on the road with no tyre on the passenger side rear wheel. I hope the owner has the good taste to frequent your site. |
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joe wrote:
Subject: Spring
Spring is just around the corner...
How could I not post this? -Orsm
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Shaun wrote:
Subject: Great plate
G'day Orsm, A mate's girlfriend spotted this plate on the way to work this morning. Thought you'd like it for the website.
Took me a minute to work it out. Clever-Orsm
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martin wrote:
Subject: Welsh holiday a very old one
On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales. At lanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress, 'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us'. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?' The girl leaned over and said, 'Burrr-Gurrr-King'. |
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Your Friend Ray wrote:
Subject: RIMJOB
my mate nat took this pic in Toowoomba Queensland :P
Urban Dictionary defines a rim job as "an instance in which the tongue is rubbed in a circular motion around someone else's sphincter". WHY would anyone would have that on their car!? -Orsm
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xitz wrote:
Subject: Monster Crab caught in Darwin (June 2010)
THIS slumbering walloper with claws the size of an adult fist was caught last week with some quick thinking, a gaff and an esky. |
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guyla wrote:
Subject: You named it what?
I giggle (just a little bit) every time I see this! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Good Safety Topic for all you Off-Roaders !
This happened in Saudi a few days ago. In areas where there is fresh water under ground the locals dig wells and support the sides with concrete and stones to keep the sand from falling back in to the well. Some of these are up to 100 meters deep. This particular one was 60 meters deep and 4 meters wide, located outside the small town of Ryad in the center of Saudi. The guys went out in the desert for a bit of 4X4 fun on a Thursday when one of them drove in to the well and dropped 60 meters to the bottom with his V8 Cruiser. Rescue workers retrieved the car and the driver had a mild concussion from hitting his head against the wind screen. Hard to believe he is alive. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pics of Exes
Pics of a couple exes!! Keep my info private or these bitches be wildin!! 3 more emails to follow!
Couple of decent ones in there. -Orsm
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OneMan wrote:
Subject: Auto Parts Art-Wow!
These items below were all fabricated from junked 1950 and 1960 automobile parts by a gentleman in Australia. This is the man that converts scrapped parts of cars into sculptures worth thousands of dollars. The 46-year-old Australian artist James Corbett, creates these sculptures using salvaged old car parts. |
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Terry wrote:
Subject: Baby koalas
THE NEW BABY. A Koala's progress
File this one under "Awww how cuuuute"... -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: nipples
You are the man!! been a massive fan of your site for 5 years! - here some skanky nipples for my first post on the best site ever!! - PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT DISPLAY MY DETAILS
Big. -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: American Iron
Sure brings back some fond memories...
Fabulous Wheels! How about these car colors!
Will take the Series 62 Cadi please. -Orsm |
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justin wrote:
Subject: GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS (ENGINEERING FEATS)
World's largest, biggest, costliest, highest etc... |
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HomoSam wrote:
Subject: Diving pics
Hey dude. Here are some pics from my recent dive trip to Vanuatu.
FYI these are from the same person who snapped the Chuuk pics shown last update. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pictures
I sent you pictures of my wife last week and got her to take some more. I hope you like them. Please keep my info private. Thank You |
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greg wrote:
Subject: Powercruise QLD Raceway 2010
Went to powercruise #25 at QLD Raceway today, hope you can use these pics on your site. |
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Jason wrote:
Subject: Top Dad
What a wonderful father! You may be forgiven for thinking that any man would look proud after catching a large barracuda as he poses with the fish and his 14 year-old daughter at the marina afterwards. Then you may wonder why his daughter looks less than thrilled. 14 year old Coral Wira was sitting in a boat while her father fished. Suddenly she saw a silver flash in the air. The barracuda had thrown the hook and grabbed her arm. Father managed to kill the fish with a knife in the head. But Coral, needed 51 stitches. |
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| DARE DORM |
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|
ORSM
VIDEO
FUN WITH PUNS
-I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
-The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
-I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
-I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
-Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
-She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
-I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
-A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
-There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre that said 'Keep off the Grass'.
-No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
-It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
-A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
-I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
-A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
-He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
-Two silk worms had a race they ended up in a tie.
-A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
-Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
-A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.
-A backward poet writes inverse.
-In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
-I didn't want to buy leather shoes, but eventually I was suede.
-Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here. I'll go on a head."
-I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
-John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't stand behind.
-A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: "Keep off the Grass."
-The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
-Police were called to a day-care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
-The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
-To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
-When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
-Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
-A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was the nurse said 'No change yet'.
-I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
-What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
| STEEL FIXING IN INDONESIA |
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|
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A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful woman. That evening, the man brought Julia to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to the woman and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
She batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him. He said, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk...?"
| KYLEE REESE |
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Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:
My wife and I are travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George. Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.
I explode and demanded to know why the charge is so high. I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'.
I insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use. 'But we didn't use them," I said. ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay. I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir, this check is only made out for $50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied. "But I didn't...!" exclaims the Manager. I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."
| BEATRIX |
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A guy walks into a bar with his horse and offers $100 to anybody who can make the horse laugh. Only one guy says he can do it, and he whispers something in the horse's ear. Sure enough, the horse laughs his head off.
So the following week, the guy is back in the bar with his horse again, but his time he offers $200 to anyone who can make the horse cry. The same guy comes up to him then whispers to the horse and they go off to the bathroom. Amazingly, when they come back, the horse is sobbing.
The horse's owner goes over to the other guy, and says: "Hey, I just got to know - how did you do that?" "Simple," he replies, "last week I told him I had a bigger cock than him. This week I showed him..."
ORSM
VIDEO
And that girls and boys is how you do an update. Hopefully you've enjoyed surfing it as much as I did hammering it altogether. Now to answer any questions you may have please read the following...
- Check out the site archives. Ten fucking years of updates to entertain you!
- Next update will be next Thursday. Unless something bad happens to me that is...
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will go back in time and wait for you... wait until you're walking home from school and then entice you into his van with either a "Do you want a lolly?" or "Can you help me find my dog?" ploy. The memories of what happened next will haunt you forever and you won't even know it was Ray until you read about it all these years later on Orsm...
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and only three weeks until MY birthday so NOW would be a good time to start thinking of presents. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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