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| orsmupdate 2010.08.26-21.20 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. There is no excuse for excess nose hair.
Aaaaand I'm back. All up it was 13 days, 5 towns, 420 litres of fuel, 51 hours behind the wheel and around 2,500 photos snapped. I saw whales, goldmines, 2 oceans, countless beaches, dams, rivers a few storms and watched as the scenery changed from residential to agricultural to mining to pastoral to bush to forest to coastal to whatever. Sit back now and read all about and why the country I live in is so awesome or just scroll down to the update if you don't give a crap...
Tuesday the 10th. Time to absquatulate and I did exactly that after an insanely busy few days trying to get two updates finished. Destination Kalgoorlie which is a mining town 600km east of home. That was the longest leg of the trip and tended to get a little monotonous just sitting there for 6 hours but after hanging out for long to actually get away the smile on my face was immovable. Several small towns to stop at on the way which breaks things up a bit and provide excuse for a cigarette and leg stretch but mostly you just end up wondering how anyone could live out there. Rolled in to town around 4pm in agonising shoulder pain - of course the pain I complained to you guys about months ago had waited until then to return with gusto.
The next morning kicked off early with a trip to the Superpit which is Australia's largest open cut gold mine. Saw it for the first time last year and was blown away at the sheer size so it was a definite must-visit. From there I tracked down a massage place. Kal is known for is it's many brothels so I did several drive-by's to make sure what I wanted wasn't going to contain an erotic component. Anyway it didn't, a massage was had and pain was reduced.
Took a trip north afterwards to the Broad Arrow Tavern which is in the middle of fucking nowhere and notable for the graffiti scrawled on every possible surface, then back to the Superpit to watch the blasting and then to the Mining Hall of Fame which was pretty cool learning about the towns history and seeing all the old and new mining equipment. Tried going for a beer at the Exchange Hotel too [dozens of pubs there] but had one of those everybody-stops-and-looks-at-you moments upon walking in. Why? I was the *only* person not wearing some sort of high-vis [brightly coloured] clothing. In other words they were all workers wondering what the fuck this clown in normal clothes was doing in their pub.
Started Thursday with another massage. "You want hard or soft, boss?" the Chinese girl asked me. "Hard". Half and hour later I was almost in tears but holy fucking shit it was the best thing ever... relieved all the tension and was sore for the next few days but not again since. Departed south for Esperance straight after which was another 400km drive and probably the most daunting. Heavy rain the whole way and plenty of trucks and caravans to interrupt my steady 130km/h pace. Gotta love the lack of cops out there.
Sort of did the same stuff as last year in Esperance - had a very bad coffee which leaked all over my car [is it so fucking hard to use lids that actually seal?], scooted around stunning Cape Le Grande National Park for half the day and then traversed the Great Ocean Drive for a few hours. Honestly so much awesome scenery down there it's incredible... but not much else. Admittedly it would probably be the ultimate 'family' summer holiday ever if you like hitting the beach but during offseason everything is dead.
Got moving again after 2 nights there, this time headed west to Albany. Another 480kms, relatively clear weather and extremely taxing but the scenery is so awesome you kind of forget. Did a few detours along this trip too. One of the most memorable was Betty's Beach not all that far from Albany but isolated enough that you would almost say it's wasted to most people.
And that brings me to about the halfway point of my holiday and I'm out of space. Will save it for next Thursday in some way shape or form as well as some of the shots I took.
This weeks update... I felt a bit guilty switching to reduced mode while I was away so what you'll find below is the fattest offering all year. There's extra EVERYTHING so glove-up, grab some tissues and prepare for a veritable feast of Orsm flavoured entertainment. Check it...
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Katy Perry Hotness - Grotesque - I'm So Sorry! - Rihanna Cleav - Ph-owned - Real Rambo - Stripball - Kelly Brook
My teenage son told me that he had sex with the neighbour's daughter last night for the first time. "Well done, son," I said, "I hope you used something though?" He replied, "Yeah, a balaclava!"
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The guy who owned the local cinema group has died. His funeral is next Friday at 2.10, 4.20 and 8.40.
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A lesbian went for a smear test and the doctor told her, "That's the cleanest vagina I've seen!" The lesbian replied, "Yes, I have a woman in twice a week!"
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A friend of mine just started his own business, manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats. Apparently Prophets are going through the roof.
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A man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, I've got 5 penises" The doctor replies "Blimey, how do your trousers fit?" Man says "Like a glove!"
ORSM
VIDEO
THINGS EVERY 18-YEAR-OLD SHOULD KNOW
- If you are buying something that you will use often and for a long time, never go cheap. You'll end up replacing it sooner or paying more in maintenance costs than if you had spent more on good quality in the beginning. Plus, you'll enjoy the nicer product throughout its lifetime, rather than cringing every time you use something that is falling apart.
- Don't spend money on a credit card that you can't afford to pay back. The interest and late payments can put you in a hole that can take you years to pay back.
- Compound interest is your friend. Saving even a relatively small percentage of your income each year, starting at 18, can leave you in much better shape by the time you're ready to retire.
- If you're working with someone who can be bargained down on a price, it seldom hurts to try. The exceptions may be someone of exceptional talent, someone you're going to have to work with on a regular basis, or someone whose help you're going to need in a timely manner.
- Try to keep enough cash to pay your bills for at least six months in reserve. It will make your life immeasurably easier if your car breaks down, you have a surprise medical expense, or you get an opportunity to get a fantastic bargain.
- If you are under the impression that you just need to buy a collar and a bag of dry dog food every month and you're set, you're in for a rude awakening. Dogs tend to be much more expensive and time consuming than you'd think.
- Don't have any children or get married until you can support yourself first.
- Don't trade your vehicle in on a new one just a couple of years after buying it. Pay it off and ride it until the wheels fall off, all while putting that car payment in the bank.
- College is a lot more work than high school and your job will be a lot more work than college was.
- Start looking for a new job BEFORE you quit your old job.
- Don't take any job that only pays commission unless you're either an expert salesman or ready to spend months working without pay to gain the skills you need to become an expert salesman.
-Ideally, you should choose something you love to do so much that you'd do it for free and find a way to make it into a career.
- When asking for a salary, always have a figure you want in mind - and then ask for significantly more than that number. That way, you may get more than what you want and even if you don't, you have a better chance of getting the amount you had in mind than if you had blurted it out right off the bat.
- There's no shame in taking any honest job.
- Getting fired or laid off isn't the end of the world.
- If you're not happy with the job market, the government, or the schools in your area, remember that you can always move to another city or another state.
- Get your car serviced and check the oil and water regularly. It will save you thousands.
- Don't ever open a hot radiator cap or you can get seriously burned.
- The three keys to keeping a reasonably clean house: don't leave any dishes in the sink overnight; every time you have a full load of clothes, wash them, and take out the trash every time the can is full.
- When you move, sell, throw away, and give away as much as possible or you'll just end up moving boxes from one closet, where they have been sitting for five years, to another closet, where they'll be sitting for the next five years.
- Don't ever loan your friends money if you want to keep them as friends. After all, if they were good with money and were likely to pay you back in a timely manner, they probably wouldn't need the loan in the first place. If they really need the money, you want to help them, and you can afford it - just give it to them.
- Don't ever employ a friend. It will almost always end badly.
- When men have a problem and they tell you about it, they want to know how to fix it. When women have a problem and they tell you about it, they just want you to listen.
- If you ever get arrested, don't say anything until you talk to a lawyer.
- If you don't know the agenda of the people you're getting your news from, then you don't have the information you need to know if what they're telling you is true.
- Government is a necessary evil.
- Trust your instincts. They're usually right.
- If you think a doctor's wrong, don't hesitate to ask for a second opinion. Doctors make mistakes just as often as anyone else.
- Don't ever say anything that may offend someone who is going to be serving you food. You never know what they may stick in it when you're not looking.
- If you get into a business deal with someone who goes to unusual lengths to convince you of how honest they are, watch your wallet and make sure you have an iron clad contract.
- You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.
- If you want to do something exceptional, don't expect anyone to believe you can do it until you've done it. Unless you're already perceived as exceptional, most people won't believe in you. That's doubly true for the people who know you best and have therefore seen you at your most mediocre.
- You are not invulnerable and you are not going to live forever. You can make mistakes at 18 that you will have to live with for the rest of your life.
- Nobody owes you a living.
- You are not a victim.
- At a minimum, keep a basic "to do" list, a schedule, and a budget.
- If you want your life to have impact, focus it. Stop dabbling. Stop trying to do it all. Do less. Do only that which matters most. Never confuse activity with productivity.
- Ironically, successful people tend to fail a lot more than unsuccessful people. They also tend to ask a lot more questions.
- When trying to decide between two closely matched alternatives, always have a bias towards action. In the long run, it'll lead to your having a lot more experience, great stories, and a richer, fuller life.
| CARLI BANKS = WOW |
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A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied while he was away. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation.
The man there said, "Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... "The Magic Penis!" The Husband said, "The what"? The man repeated, "The Magic Penis," and pulled out what seemed like an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, "It looks like a dildo!" The man then pointed to the door and said, "Magic Penis, the door!"
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle.
Then the man said, "Magic Penis, return to your box!" and the penis stopped and returned to the box. The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.
After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said "Magic Penis, my crotch." The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck.
Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got into her car and started for the nearest hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked her for her license, then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, the woman said, "I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me."
The officer looked at her for a few seconds, shook his head and replied, "Yeah... right... now I've heard it all ma'am... Magic Penis? My arse...!"
ORSM
VIDEO
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stonewall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man glanced down with a furled brow "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time". Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
| DIVING IN CHUUK |
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PAKISTAN FLOODS
-The rescue workers at the Pakistan flood area say that the smell of bodies is unbearable. They expect it to get worse when they start finding the dead ones.
-A charity single has been released in aid of the Pakistan Flood Relief. It's called, "Raindrops Keep Falling On Ahmed."
- Rumour has it that the floods in Pakistan were started by a suicide plumber.
-There's a new curry been brought out in aid of the Pakistani flood disaster victims. It's a chicken bury auntie, served with nan dead and poppa gone.
- The BNP have donated 6000 crocodiles to the Pakistani flood appeal.
-The Queen has sent a letter of condolence to the Pakistani president. She wanted to mention that Britain has plenty of spare Pakis if they want some back.
-I bet little Mohammed doesn't have to walk 3 miles fetch water now! I think I'll ask for my $5 a month donation back.
-What do you call a Pakistani flood survivor? Mustafa dinghy.
-What goes around comes around. Pakistanis have been flooding Britain for years.
-From space, Pakistan looks like a giant bowl of coco pops.
-There is a new diet sweeping Pakistan. It's called swim fast.
- Charity single just released for the Pakistani flood disaster... Rain Drops Keep Falling On Ahmed.
| LET'S LEZ THINGS UP |
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READER MAIL
By the time I sat down at the computer on Monday there were 700 new emails to get through so it's been an extremely busy few days attempting to get through them all. That of course means a bonanza of quality submissions to keep you dudes occupied so go forth and enjoy BUT FIRST... click here to send me something. I'm not fussy - as long as you can attach to an email and fire it down the internets my way I'll be a happy man. On the 'do want' list is porn, pics of your ex, random shit, video clips, funny shit, cool links, email forwards or whatever else you've got lying around.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Stupid customers
Orsm, Can't reveal too much, but I work in the refrigeration service and repair industry. I was inputting invoices onto the system and came across these little beauties. The jobs were actually carried out immediately one after the other. Check out the suburbs they're in. I can only imagine what the service man was thinking. Strictly no details, thanks. |
John wrote:
Subject: "Nice"
I have no idea who & or where....... But I do know "My" assistance is required here! Keep up the sterling work Mr O |
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atom wrote:
Subject: Pic from the Mall in South Africa
Luv the site. |
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Chris wrote:
Subject: Freaky cow calf from my farm
Hello orsm, ive been reading your site for well over 4 years and have never contributed, well i work on a dairy farm and we had the freakiest looking calf born the other day. They are called bulldog calves but ive never seen anything like this. Obviously dead but the mother cow was full term, with absolutely no inbreeding this is what happened. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: rs
hi....... took this while driving around donegal a few weeks ago and thought of random shite. keep up the good work. i rate the update better than the fact that thursday is payday. you know what you're going to get paid, but random shite.... thats another story! keep contact details hidden! cheers |
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Matt wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Boring day at work. Withold email. Cheers. Auckland. NZ.
"Is there anything behind me? I can't quite see..." -Orsm
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Adam wrote:
Subject: funny picture again
It was nice to see my last pics were posted, heres Mind fuck pic i made off a friends facebook...... i think youll like it |
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wirth wrote:
Subject: Sort of a good thing, i think.
Ummm, this is sort of good, right? I mean getting kids out of their video screens and and back into exercise, just like when we were kids...
The moral decline of Canada right there in one short article. -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Reason why you should always write in your own language.
Your ORSMness, There is something we call thinking in your mother tongue, which is encouraged. Writing in your mother tongue on the other hand......
Engrish... South African style... -Orsm
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Shane wrote:
Subject: too funny to not share
When doing a search on eBay for Dog Training, I found this in the feedback section; Dog Training video Tutorial - Aggressive & Dominant
A very original way to tell the world you have a small wang. -Orsm
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John Gardocki wrote:
Subject: the nip slip
got to love it. Feel free to include contact info.
The simple things are always the best. -Orsm |
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david wrote:
Subject: Fuck Me...
Orsm, I'm a Sandgroper through and through (for those who don't understand what that is... get fucked)... went looking for the nightly news I missed the other night and on the web came across this!!! What the fuck, this is how fucking educated people are now, that this (spelling of INCONVENIENCE!!!!!!!) is what is permitted to be released to the world as copy... Again, fuck me! |
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Fred wrote:
Subject: Bad Cop, No Donut!!
A friend saw this and had to take the photo. I got it from her via cell phone photo to my email, and the only way I could get it to Copy/Paste was to a word document. I have her permission via IM to use the photo in any way I see fit. Blocking ONE handicapped access spot is illegal for the rest of us. This cop managed to block TWO at a single go!! When asked about the handicapped she said they could just park somewhere else. It isn't like she was on police business, either. She did her shopping and had lunch. Would have sucked for her if somebody pulled a hit and run that totaled her cop car in between two handicapped spaces while she was in the grocery store, but I wasn't driving by at the time. |
Jokes wrote:
Subject: FOR SALE 2 x Ipads
The latest thing.... I have 2 Ipads for sale at half the recommended retail price, they are both
brand new although one has been removed from the packaging only to take the photograph, the other as can be seen remains unopened both come with all paperwork and user instructionsetc. Unfortunately I cannot reserve either of them it will be first with the cash first served although to be fair I will limit it to one per person. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: FROM AN ARAB STUDENT TO HIS DAD
An Arab student sends an e-mail to his dad, saying: Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train. Your son, Nasser
The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad: My dear loving son, Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too. Love, your Dad |
David wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Broken 992 Loader
Very impressive. Would not have been easy to break. -Orsm
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Supaduck wrote:
Subject: SB 1070 Rally, Phoenix, 7-31-10
I find it difficult to accept anyone doing disrespectful things, but to do it to our flag - disrespectful is putting it mildly. Unbelievable! There was a time when anyone doing this would end up at least arrested and fined. These people are in our country, possibly (probably) illegally and then treat a symbol of our country in such a way. It is hard to believe our Federal Government is ignoring the laws made to protect our sovereignty, dignity and the citizens rights to expect our borders to be secure. [continues] |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
pics of ex, no details please, thanks! |
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Brian wrote:
Subject: Shagging Wagons Par Exelance
Neat eh? |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: ex girlfriend pix
hi orsm here is some ex girlfriend pix and vids i thought u could use on your site please hide my details love this site |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Bakkielorry
Whatever that is... I want one. -Orsm |
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Stooge wrote:
Subject: random pics from thailand trip
Heya Mr Orsm, Long time reader, 1st time poster. Here are some pics from my recent trip to Thailand. Keep up the great work. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pictures on a used ipod
I bought a used ipod at a local pawn shop. These were on it. Lesson to be learned, don't forget to erase the pictures too. Please hide my email and info. I'd like to remain anonymous. Long time viewer, great stuff, how you can use it. |
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greg wrote:
Subject: Lakeside Speedfest 2010
G'day, geat site blah blah.... Went to the Lakeside Speedfest up here in Brisbane today, thought you might be able to use some of these on your site. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: naked wife
I have been a fan of your site for many years. I thought you would enjoy some naked wife pictures. She in my opinion is very hot and I am lucky to be married to her. Please keep all my info private |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pics for the site.
Hi there, Please find attached some pics of a bird from work I was fucking when bored. Pls don't display my details on the site! Cheers. |
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Steven wrote:
Subject: How cool is this
from the owner/builder: it's got a 300 Litre fridge (2 kegs), CO2 system, spa pump, filter, and
heater |
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Jason wrote:
Subject: An airline with a sense of humour
WHAT A PITY KULULA DOESN'T FLY INTERNATIONALLY - WE SHOULD SUPPORT THEM IF ONLY FOR THEIR HUMOUR - SO TYPICALLY SOUTH AFRICAN. [continues] |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: "Dwyer's pride"
Enjoy these images of a girl that went to my high school, Don't worry, shes legal in these pics. They circulated years ago and now there back! Please DO NOT show my details at all. Hope you pick the ones you enjoy and post them on your site! Ive been comming to your site every thursday ever since I found you years and years ago. Awesome site, awesome articles. Keep doing what your doing and kick ass! Enjoy! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: HERE IT IS ---At Last
Burning down Australia by Labor. About sums up these pricks for me
And me... -Orsm |
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jacques wrote:
Subject: Funny Spoof on ANC Youth League President - and BBC reporter....
hi Orsm... dont know if you are aware of the absolute debacle with Malema chasing a BBC journalist from a News Conference in South Africa ? someone took the footage and added some video... quite funny :-) keep up the good work.. cheers |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Stoning
G'day ORSM bloke, Normally I regard myself as a moderate person when it comes to religion. The attached video shows a YOUNG girl being stoned to death because she refused to marry an OLD bloke. Sharia Law said that she must marry him or be stoned to death. The video is shaky and grainy but you will get the message long before the end. So much for a peaceful religion. As per usual please don't display my details... |
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Dave wrote:
Subject: very near miss CCTV
Mate, Check out the CCTV vision below. I'm sure you will like to use it on your site. My mate pulls out of his work in the black audi. Seconds later silver SS comes around bend, looses it, narrowly misses white van, takes out power pole, pedestrian next to pole runs for his life and is nearly killed. This all took place a couple days ago in Balcatta. Truly ORSM footage. |
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| DARE DORM |
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ORSM
VIDEO
Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbours and led an exemplary life.
As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close.
The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womaniser. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.
One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.
One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me but I have not seen him here in heaven." God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again." "You can see him if you wish," God said. "I will give you the power to gaze into hell."
So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.
The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell cannot be that bad."
God explained. "Things are not always as they seem... The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."
| CANDY LEE |
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The mayor of London was very worried about a plague of pigeons in the City Centre. He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of London was full of pigeon poop, the people of London could not walk on the pavements, or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and pavements clean.
One day a man came to the Town Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. "I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. OR you can pay me one million pounds to ask one question."
The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.
The next day the man climbed to the top of the Nelson's Column, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue London sky.
All the pigeons in London saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the bird. The London pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew eastwards out of the city.
The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man on top of Nelson's Column.
The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid London of the plague of pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million pounds and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question.
The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE question. The mayor asked: "Do you have a blue Paki?"
| SWAZILAND VIRGINS PARADE FOR THE KING |
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RANDOM SHITE
Fatter RS this week... because I have the power to. Cool huh? By the way I have the power to make it skinnier next time so don't annoy me. Check it...
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a look!
A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? "Feed them to the lions", he says to himself... because lions eat anything. So he hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moved on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South African bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage... because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to the other lions and says "What's the food like here?" The lions say "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees".
| KRYSTAL STEAL |
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A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?" The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."
| LOOOOVELY LISA ANN |
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Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy. The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?" Donald frowned and said, "No." Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?" "Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"
ORSM
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Holy crap am I glad that's over. The only downside of holidays is the mountain of work I come back to and this was by far the biggest one yet so let me skip the epilogue and wind out with this...
- Check out the site archives. They're better than Avatar.
- Next update will be next Thursday. For me it CAN come soon enough.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will fill up your toilets with cement.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and remember to trim your nose hair. I mean it. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2010.08.19-21.24 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Vote for Sex.
My friend Ray was supposed to take over the blogging duties this week. I asked him to write something on any subject he chooses and send it my way which, to his credit, he did. It was however about six lines of nonsensical babbling so far removed from anything readable that I decided not to put you guys through it. Instead you get me, albeit written last week.
As this update goes up I should be in the south west coastal town of Dunsborough. 250kms south of home and the last stop on my road trip it is by far my favourite holiday destination. If you ever visit Western Australia then make sure it's on your list.
Came across this website recently and spent a few minutes running through the quiz. No one more surprised than I, my views lie disturbingly close to that of the Greens Party which is odd because I can't remember a single thing they've ever said that I agreed with. Could be time to drastically reassess my views for fear of being labelled a dirty hippy...
While we're on the subject of politics [and when aren't I..] this weekend we have the federal election. History has taught me any commentary by yours truly runs the risk of some nasty emails but fuck it and fuck anyone who disagrees with what I say. Anyway I've been following the campaign closely looking for inspiration. That said I did a postal vote almost two weeks before you guys read this but whatever.
The thing that has shat me the most are the vote chasing policies being rolled out by both of the major parties that target pretty much everyone except me. Paid maternity leave, tax benefits for families, baby bonuses, childcare benefits, money for employers hiring oldies and so on. Bbillions and billions being splashed around for everyone and anyone that isn't young, single, without children and self-employed. Don't get me wrong - all these ideas are probably not a bad idea but perhaps selfishly I get annoyed working to support families when I don't have one.
Next is my favourite - the internet filter. Labor WILL implement a non-optional web filter affecting every internet user in Australia under the guise of protecting children from harmful content. The filter is the brainchild of a deeply religious, misguided Minster Stephen Conroy. Re-electing the ALP will effectively switch off anything the government doesn't like overnight. Bye bye Orsm? Maybe.
Don't even get me started on the Mining Profits Tax. Mining companies could definitely afford to share the wealth a little more but not at the detriment of Australia's economy.
I've been a Liberal voter all my life... until now. As I understand it, they also support the web filter but have gone one better by declaring that the National Broadband Network will be killed off if elected. Admittedly Labor's $43 billion plan to create the network sounds a little extreme but it's something that will benefit all of us in years to come.
So what to do? Rather than vote for the lesser of two evils, voting for the guy I don't dislike as much as the other guy, I unashamedly placed a '1' next to the Australian Sex Party. Someone told me that this was a wasted vote but for the same reason I didn't vote for Kevin Rudd in the last election, I won't feel a shred of guilt when the winner gets in and starts fucking the place up.
- CLICK HERE TO CHECK OUT THE AUSTRALIAN SEX PARTY -
Okay that'll do with my rant. Vote with your head this Saturday.
Let's get on with the update. No Reader Mail again this week because as mentioned I'm still away but everything should be back to normal come next Thursday. The update will absolutely still rock your world though - worked my [not so pretty] arse off on it so go forth and enjoy. Check it...
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--
Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium." "Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" "Absolutely not," he said. "How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not." "Season's more than half over," he said.
--
The fisherman went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby. Upon arriving, the Nurse says "Congratulations, your wife has had quints - 5 big baby boys!" The Caper says, "I'm not surprised, I have a penis on me like a chimney." The nurse replies, "You need to get it cleaned - the babies are all black."
--
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day. Anal sex makes your hole weak.
ORSM
VIDEO
MAKES SENSE
-Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
-Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
-We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
-The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
-If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
-Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
-Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
-Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
-Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
-Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
-If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
-If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
-If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
-If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
-Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
-I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
-A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
-A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
-I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it... so I said "Implants?"
-The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
-God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
-The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
-A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
-The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
-Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
-You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
-Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
-Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
-It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
-We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
-My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
-Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
-When in doubt, mumble.
-Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
-A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
-Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower. Ugly too.
-My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're
-I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
-There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
-I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
-I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
-You're never too old to learn something stupid.
-You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
-To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
-A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
-Virginity is like a soap bubble, one prick and it is gone.
-If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
-Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
-If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
-Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
| GLAMOUR GIRL KAYDEN KROSS |
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PHILOSOPHY OF SOCRATES
Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or are about to repeat a rumour.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you a few questions, sort of a test. It's called the Test of Three." "Test of Three?" "That's correct," Socrates continued.
"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?" "No, on the contrary..." "So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?" "No, not really..." "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.
ORSM
VIDEO
An Irish rugby fan is drinking in an English bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone. Sean hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife Coleen has just given birth back home to a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but our hero just shrugs and replies, "Dat's about average in Oireland... like I said - me boy's one of ya typical Oirish baby boys. He's gonna be a rugby player when he gets older. Probably in de front row!"
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of 'WOW!'.
Two weeks later, Sean returns to the bar. The barman says, "Say Paddy, aren't you the father of the baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? The chums here have been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?"The proud father answers, "Twenty pounds about now." The barman is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious.
"What the devil has happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
Sean takes a slow swig of his Guinness, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the barman and proudly says, "Had him circumcised!"
| NON-NUDE IS JUST AS HOT - RIGHT...? |
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MURDER OR SUICIDE?
This is old and a complete work of fiction but a good read nonetheless...
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS President Dr Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the Case:
On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.
Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
"Ordinarily," Dr Mills continued, "A person, who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide." That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands. In the room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr. Opus. When one intends to kill subject "A" but kills subject "B" in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject "B".
When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant and both said that they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, if the gun had been accidentally loaded. The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident.
It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist.
Further investigation revealed hat the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window.
The son had actually murdered himself, so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
| BRIDGES IN CHINA |
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ORSM
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| DARE DORM |
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After work, this gent went into a bar for a drink or two. Looking across the bar he sees a gorgeous redhead in a miniskirt and heels sitting with a short little warthog looking dude.
He calls the bartender over, and pointing to the two, says, "What's with beauty and the beast over there?" The bartender says, "She's like, 'paid for'".
He finishes his drink and goes home.
The next night, he's in the bar, and she's alone. He goes up to her and says, I couldn't help but hearing about how you make a living, and I have to ask - how much for a hand job? "75 dollars" she says. "Geez" he says "I can go home and pull it for free, what make you so special?" She says "Follow me".
They go out to the parking lot, and she points to a brand new Porsche and says "I own that free and clear because I give the best hand jobs in town".
He pulls out his wallet, and sure enough, she rocks his world.
Next night he's looking for her, and finds her. "How much for some head?" She says "That'll be 250". "Christ!" he says "I can get that downtown for 75, how good can you be?" She says, "Follow me to the lot".
She points to a luxury hi-rise condo building, and says "I own that free and clear by giving the best head in town. All repeat customers". "You take a check?" he asks and not long after is revelling in absolutely the best honk job he has ever had.
So next evening he's looking for this redhead. He finds her and asks "How much for some pussy?" Together they go again to the lot. "You see the skyline over there from Manhattan to Brooklyn?" "Yeah!" he says enthusiastically. "Well if I had a pussy, I'd own all that!"
| GIOVANNA |
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ORSM
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THE STORY OF ADAM & EVE'S PETS
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said "I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said "I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was happy. And the cat didn't give a shit one way or the other...
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On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out and he left."
The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?" Another month passed.
St. Peter finally returned looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it will take to find a lawyer!"
| WEIRDO WEDDINGS |
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A blonde went to the market one day to buy penny candy for her kids. She selects an assortment of hard candy and one of taffy's and asks the storekeeper, "How much is it?"
"14 cents," answered the storekeeper, after quickly counting up the pieces."14 cents!? For what?" asked the blonde. The storekeeper explained, "The 7 pieces of hard candy cost 7 cents, while the 14 taffy's, which are on special, are another 7 cents. So together it comes to 14 cents."
"I know different!" replied the blonde, indignantly. "7 + 7 is 11." "WHAT?" said the storekeeper. "7 + 7 is 11!" replied the blonde emphatically.
"And how do you come to that?" asks the storekeeper "I had 4 children by my first husband, before he died. Then I married a second time, and my second husband also had 4 children, from his first wife. Then, after we were married, we had 3 children together.""So, each of us had 7 children, and together we had 11 children. So, obviously, 7 + 7 is 11."
The shopkeeper gave her the candy for 11 cents.
| PLASTIC [NOT SO] FANTASTIC |
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EATING FRUIT [INTERESTING READ]
We all think eating fruits means just buying fruits, cutting it and just popping it into our mouths. It's not as easy as you think. It's important to know how and when to eat. IT MEANS NOT EATING FRUITS AFTER YOUR MEALS! FRUITS SHOULD BE EATEN ON AN EMPTY STOMACH. If you eat fruit like that, it will play a major role to detoxify your system, supplying you with a great deal of energy for weight loss and other life activities.
Let's say you eat two slices of bread and then a slice of fruit. The slice of fruit is ready to go straight through the stomach into the intestines, but it is prevented from doing so. In the meantime the whole meal rots and ferments and turns to acid. The minute the fruit comes into contact with the food in the stomach and digestive juices, the entire mass of food begins to spoil.
Greying hair, balding, nervous outburst, and dark circles under the eyes all these will NOT happen if you take fruits on an empty stomach.
When you need to drink fruit juice - drink only fresh fruit juice, NOT from the cans. Don't even drink juice that has been heated. Don't eat cooked fruits because you don't get the nutrients at all. You only get to taste. Cooking destroys all the vitamins. But eating a whole fruit is better than drinking the juice. If you should drink the juice, drink it mouthful by mouthful slowly, because you must let it mix with your saliva before swallowing it.
KIWI: Tiny but mighty. This is a good source of potassium, magnesium, vitamin E and fibre. Its vitamin C content is twice that of an orange.
APPLE: An apple a day keeps the doctor away? Although an apple has a low vitamin C content, it has antioxidants and flavonoids which enhances the activity of vitamin C thereby helping to lower the risks of colon cancer, heart attack and stroke.
STRAWBERRY: Protective Fruit. Strawberries have the highest total antioxidant power among major fruits and protect the body from cancer-causing, blood vessel-clogging free radicals.
ORANGE: Sweetest medicine. Taking 2-4 oranges a day may help keep colds away, lower cholesterol, prevent and dissolve kidney stones as well as lessens the risk of colon cancer.
WATERMELON: Coolest thirst quencher. Composed of 92% water, it is also packed with a giant dose of glutathione, which helps boost our immune system. They are also a key source of lycopene - the cancer fighting oxidant. Other nutrients found in watermelon are vitamin C and Potassium.
GUAVA and PAPAYA: Top awards for vitamin C. They are the clear winners for their high vitamin C content. Guava is also rich in fibre, which helps prevent constipation. Papaya is rich in carotene; this is good for your eyes.
Drinking Cold water after a meal = Cancer! Can you believe this?? For those who like to drink cold water, this article is applicable to you. It is nice to have a cup of cold drink after a meal. However, the cold water will solidify the oily stuff that you have just consumed. It will slow down the digestion. Once this "sludge" reacts with the acid, it will break down and be absorbed by the intestine faster than the solid food. It will line the intestine. Very soon, this will turn into fats and lead to cancer. It is best to drink hot soup or warm water after a meal.
A serious note about heart attacks HEART ATTACK PROCEDURE": (THIS IS NOT A JOKE! Women should know that not every heart attack symptom is going to be the left arm hurting. Be aware of intense pain in the jaw line. You may never have the first chest pain during the course of a heart attack.
Nausea and intense sweating are also common symptoms. Sixty percent of people who have a heart attack while they are asleep do not wake up. Pain in the jaw can wake you from a sound sleep. Let's be careful and be aware. The more we know the better chance we could survive.
ORSM
VIDEO
That is all folks. Everything back to normal next week but in the mean time this...
- Check out the site archives. It's what Jesus would do.
- Next update will be next Thursday, bro.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will do this to you.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems. That is all. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2010.08.12-whenever |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. You're like one of those 15 year olds who gets his first girlfriend and goes around telling his mates "You've never had a girlfriend. You wouldn't understand what it's like".
By the time you guys read this I should be in the beautiful coastal town of Esperance which is around 700kms from home.
Fuck I hate the last few days before holidays. At least 67,000 things to do and overwhelming sense that something is going to happen which ends the whole thing then and there. A car accident or family emergency or the website being catastrophically knocked offline... not to tempt fate of course.
To that a factor of guilt is added which generally overrides the excitement. The guilt -I think- stems from a question of entitlement. i.e. do I really deserve the extravagance of a twelve day break...? Seemingly the fact my average work week is 80+ hours doesn't count. Welcome to my mind boys and girls... it can be a demented, annoying place and I don't encourage anyone to visit.
Another 'thing' that I'm compelled to put myself through worst case scenario planning. Again not to tempt fate, IF I have a fatal accident what happens then? I need to leave info with someone - who gets dog, who gets my stuff, login details for everything and most importantly someone needs to delete the plethora of porn on my computer.
The obsessive compulsiveness also extends to planning of my little jaunt. 'Be overly prepared' is my motto and it covers everything from checking oil and water levels in the car to getting the house spotlessly clean [so I can relax when I get back] to making absolutely sure every possible music genre is covered on my iPhone... you never know when you'll get a hankering for some Elton John. I simply cannot help myself. If everything isn't perfect at the time of departure it'll bug me nonstop. Almost like wondering if you've left the iron on when you go out on a much bigger scale.
Moving on... kind of... I'll come back to me shortly.
True Blood. Feels like every time I check Facebook someone has a True Blood reference in their status. "Season 3 of TB starts today. ZOMG!" and so on. If it gets mentioned on conversation, eyes light up and expressions change followed by "Best show ever. ZOMG!". Have to admit that the whole vampire craze passed me by. Give me Seven of Nine over Buffy any day but I'm starting to wonder if it's time to rethink my objection to the blood suckers and see what True Blood has to offer. So let's try it this way - email me here with the name/series/number of one or two absolute must watch episodes that will convert me.
Okay back to me and more specifically my weekend but starting with Friday. I should have seen it coming - the morning walk was a little slow due to the dog having some mobility issues. Right on cue, right before I go away anywhere, a vet visit is required. This time it's a typical German Shepherd faulty elbow trait plus a rash on her VULVA not making it any easier.
Saturday was a battle of technology. After updating my phone to IOS 4 recently it's been nothing but crashes and slowness so I tried to rollback [no luck], then roll forward [failed], rollback again [no luck] before finally rolling forward and somehow making it work how it was supposed to after the initial update. Fuck you and your pretty-to-look-at-but-not-tinker-with software Apple. My next trick was to get my wireless broadband modem working. Won't bore you guys with the details suffice to say fuck you and your poorly-written-and-over-simplified software Telstra.
Sunday began with some exercise followed by cleaning the car [because clearly you cannot go away in a dirty car] which in turn was followed by a few hours of gardening, aka spraying litre after liter after litre of chemicals around the place to eradicate weeds. The rest of the day was spent sitting at the computer writing this blog which brings us too...
Time to get on with the update. Reader Mail gets the chop this week due to time constraints however it will return in two weeks. PLEASE keep your submissions coming here though. Okay lets do this. Check it...
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Got caught wanking while sniffing my mate's sister's knickers yesterday. Wouldn't have been so bad but she was still wearing them at the time. He went fucking ballistic! Made the rest of her funeral very awkward for both of us!
--
The old codger goes to see his Doctor who tells him that, to improve his blood circulation, he should take a pill a day, which he promptly prescribes, and that he can also drink a glass of red wine a day. A few weeks later the Doctor happens to meet the guys wife and asks her how he is doing. "Well," she replies, "he's rather behind with the pills... but he's about three years ahead with the wine."
--
Paddy and Murphy were talking one afternoon when Paddy tells Murphy, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Molly got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas and Molly got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darn me, if Molly didn't get pregnant again." Murphy asks Paddy, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Paddy says, "This year I'm taking Molly with me."
--
Girls: If you get a message from your boyfriend saying that he wants to "kick your puppy", don't call the RSPCA... he's just not very good at predictive text.
ORSM
VIDEO
THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK
"Britain is not an island... well, yes it is, but..." - Unidentified MP, on BBC Radio 4
"The President continues to surprise people, so I am not surprised to be surprised."-US Secretary of Defence Dick Cheney
"President Bush is due to address the nation in approximately 20 minutes precisely." -Peter Jennings, ABC News
"Mobile launchers are more difficult to detect because they move around, unlike fixed launchers." -Katie Couric, NBC News
"Continuous coverage of the war in the Persian Gulf will resume in a moment."-Tom Brokaw, NBC News
"We have good reason to believe he was stabbed. There was a sharp object sticking out of his chest". -Lt. R. Travis, Newburgh, NY, Police Dept
"The City of Rochester (Michigan) is considering a ban on smoking at the park because people are leaving their butts on the beach." -Announcer, WJR Radio, Detroit, MI
"Men between the ages of 18 and 25 must register for the draft on their 18th birthday."-Sign in a US Post Office
"This door must not be opened under any circumstances." -Sign outside a fire exit in a hotel
"We have to expect it, otherwise we would be surprised." -Unidentified general officer, re: Gulf war.
"Yo-Yo Ma and Bobby McFerrin together again for the first time." -Ellen Kushner on Caravan', WGBH radio, Boston
"It is mandatory that tenderers provide proof that the specified performance requirements are likely to be achieved by the proposed system." -Request for Quotation from unidentified prospective client
"President Union will address the nation on the state of the Bush." -Hampton Pearson, news reporter
"Sir James Spicer... has officially opened a lavatory at the Piddle Valley First School near Dorchester." -VNS #2244 Main News
"Tensions in Latvia... are tense..." -WBZ Radio, Boston,
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." -Miss Alabama in the 1994
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." -Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." -Brooke Shields
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -Hillary Clinton commenting on the release
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." -A congressional candidate in Texas.
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."-Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -George W. Bush, Texas Governor
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -Dan Quayle
"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided's could go one way or another". -George Bush, US President
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -Lee Iacocca
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." -Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -Dan Quayle
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -Al Gore, VP
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -Keppel Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
| LISA AND KARLIE LES IT UP |
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A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while.. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand? The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off and I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?" "Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit." "It was my first day with the hook", replied the pirate.
ORSM
VIDEO
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 ft. into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all. Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses. Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together. It was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences. But Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 ft. long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
"Damn!" I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think "Oh God please die... pleeeease die". But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day. He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire. I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realised a few things:
1. Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.
2. I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3. Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4. My left eye will not open.
5. My right eye will not close.
6. The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7. My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8. I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualise what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
| LOVE ME SOME VAGINA |
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At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities, as Jenny prepares herself for bed the 'expected' knock at the door came, she opens it and there is Roger... her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, after a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door and it's Roger again! He is ready for more 'action'. Surprised, Jenny consents. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep but before she knew it there was Roger knocking on the door again ready for more 'action'.
Once more they enjoy each other. His young bride says to him, "I Am thoroughly impressed that you can perform so much better than guys less than a third of your age. You are truly a great lover, Roger." Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: "You mean I was here already?"
| THE MEDITERRANEAN |
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ORSM
VIDEO
| DARE DORM |
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Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking "What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"
Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track." "What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector. "Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there," answers Tom.
"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector. "Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?" "In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station." "What if that had been vandalised?"
"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo. This puzzled the inspector, so he asked "Why would you do that?" "Because he's never seen a train crash."
| BRIGETTE |
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ORSM
VIDEO
"What is your name?" asked the teacher. "Mohammed"... answered the kid. "We are in Canada and, there is no Mohammed. From now on your name will be Bruce," replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohammed returned home. "How was your day, Mohammed?" asked his mother. "My name is not Mohammed, I am in Canada and now my name is Bruce." "Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you," and she beat him.
Then she called the father and he too beat him savagely. The next day Mohammed returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked: "What happened to you little Bruce?" "Well Miss, two hours after becoming Canadian I was attacked by two fucking Arabs...!!"
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I went for my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?
I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This aint rocket science."
Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"
Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?
My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!
"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed for the door.
"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vice alone are you?" I shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."
Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared.
And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked, part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass.
After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks." "You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved goodbye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
TWO HOURS later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry!" The power came back on and I *totally* forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
"And that, Your Honour, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps."
| DEAR GOD... |
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I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman Assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I answered honestly "No, this is my first time."
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was empty.
"Just a minute," she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
"Do these excite you?" She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.
She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time." So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW. I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?" She asked. I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her. She beat the shit out of me...
| EVERYONE WANTS SOME AJ |
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A guy is 72 years old and he loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?" The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his front pocket.
The frog said, "Hey, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride." He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
ORSM
VIDEO
- Check out the site archives. I'm all about the value-add.
- Next update will be next Thursday, live from the south west.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will perform a mulesing procedure on you. It may be painful but at least you'll never suffer flystrike.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and keep left or be tailgated it's up to you. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2010.08.05-22.43 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. It's hard for me to watch American Idol cause I have perfect pitch.
Kind of having a fucking great week. Must be excitement related to almost two glorious weeks of holidays starting next Tuesday... much needed and highly anticipated holidays might I add. Finally managed to get accommodation at five different towns booked yesterday so pretty much all that remains is to finish off the next couple of updates and I'm good to go. Only the universe resenting my happy state and making changes accordingly can mee me up now. Please Universe - don't do it... you're the best... I've always thought so.
The Indians are after me. One Saturday a couple of weeks back the phone rang. It was some woman with a thick accent allegedly surveying everyone in my suburb. As usual I said not interested but she persisted. The questions started off harmlessly until she moved on to my house, what its worth and what my income and profession are. At that point I gave a polite "Sorry but I'm not prepared to give that information so please move on". "No sir! We aren't using this information for any identifying purposes so just answer the questions!". Errr pardon? So I say "You've called me unsolicited, won't tell me who this survey is on behalf of or what the info will be used for. I'm not answering another thing!" Undeterred she persisted even more aggressively demanding answers. I started laughing which apparently made her realise the call was over so she asked my name and I told her 'John' and said bye-bye.
A minute later the phone rings... surely not. Different Indian woman this time: "Hello is this John?" "Yep it's me!" "Sir, I understand you weren't able to complete the survey with my colleague and we need the information. Could you please advise me of your profession and income?" Laughter was the next thing she heard right before a hang-up.
That hasn't appeared to have stopped them though. Each Saturday since they've called back asking for John. Really have to respect their pressure tactics. Honestly that first cunt who called would probably get what she wanted out of most people not prepared for the strongarm. Thank god for my mild paranoia and overzealous ways.
Moving on to... magpies. Bane of my existence. Saturday morning began with an extended walk along a route we've never taken before. What I didn't realise was magpie breeding season was well under way which means the little fuckers are particularly hostile. To protect their nests, perched high and out of reach, they swoop passersby. Basically they wait until you're facing away and fly past at high-speed, sometimes as a warning, other times aiming for your head and/or the dog. I've been lucky so far but I'm sure they'll get me eventually...
The other magpie issue is more local - at least 8-10 times a day for almost a year now I'll hear the familiar clicking on the glass doors behind me. This stupid little bastard still, after all this time, hasn't figured out what a reflection is and continually tries to attack himself. Admittedly it was cute for the first few months but now it's just annoying and he isn't helping his plight after recently discovering his reflection of the roof of my car.
Running out of space here so a quick callout to any West Aussies who have suggestions of places to see and go during my road trip. Destinations are Kalgoorlie, Esperance, Albany, Pemberton and Dunsborough so any and all ideas are welcome! Email me here.
Alright let's get cracking with the update. I won't bother trying to sell it because if you're already here it's redundant. Check it...
Don't even think about paying for porn on the
net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on
the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn?
Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us
who get
it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and
accept paying for porn the less free
porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!
If you've been reading my site for any
period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie
Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do
so... it's because Newbie
Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today.
Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes
of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people
that love to get their gear off and show what they've got...
did I mention it's all free too? Check
it now!
There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...
Good Game - Horny Teens - You So Dumb! - Slo-mo Destruction - Girls on Girls - High Paid Ho's - Gangbanged Teen
Perfect Breasts - Vibro Action - Anna Faris Nude - Love Jennifer Love - Katy Perry - Facial Abuse - Jelena Jensen
Crush The Castle - Pilot Pranks - Hawt Striptease - Sexy Ladies - Obliteration - Crazy Nipples - Worst Mistake
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on; it doesn't matter to me. I just love it!" Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding, I'm in the Labor Party too! What state are you from?"
--
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up suddenly and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
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Hey mate, really need your advice for a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that the missus has been cheating. The usual signs: phone rings, if I answer the caller hangs up, going out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid beside the shed behind the boat, when she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the car and noticed a hairline crack in the outboard mounting bracket... is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?
ORSM
VIDEO
INTERNATIONAL DATING GUIDE
CAUCASIAN WOMEN
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position. Then you promise to marry her but will probably abandon the idea.
JAPANESE WOMEN
First date: She"s shy, so you don"t get to kiss her at all.
Second date: She"ll take a bath in front of you and let you smell her panties.
Third date: You get to have kinky sex with her. Then she will bid you sayonara as that was her fling before getting married to a Japanese man.
MALAY WOMEN
First date: You get to touch that big breast of hers.
Second date: You get to home base with her.
Third date: You have to promise her that you are going to get circumcised. Then you will marry her and find out that you have to support her whole family. The only consolation is that you get to repeat the procedure three other times as allowed under Muslim law.
CHINESE WOMEN
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happened.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens either.
Third date: You don"t even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.
INDIAN WOMEN
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
BLACK WOMEN
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
JEWISH WOMEN
First Date: You get a dynamite blowjob.
Second Date: You get another great blowjob.
Third Date: You tell her you"ll marry her and never get head again.
MEXICAN WOMEN
First Date: You give her $20 and have really good sex.
Second Date: you give $25 and have really good sex with her younger sister.
Third Date: You give her $30 and have sex with her younger brother.
IRISH WOMEN
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
| IF GOD WERE A WOMAN... |
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"ASYLUM"
Today's program features another chance to take part in our exciting competition: Hop on a boat and WIN A FREE HOUSE!
We've already given away hundreds of millions of dollars and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor, The Australian Taxpayer. And don't forget, we're now the fastest growing game on the planet!
Anyone can play, provided they don't already hold a valid Australian Passport and you only need one word of English: ASYLUM
Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at $800 a week and a chance to earn thousands more by encouraging your family members to play too! This competition is open to everyone buy a ticket to Indonesia and catch the first available boat.
No application ever refused - reasonable or unreasonable. All you have to do is destroy all your papers or burn your boat once you enter Australian waters and remember the magic password: ASYLUM
A few years ago, 140 members of the Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown Goat Class from Kabul to Indonesia's gateway where agents were on hand to fast-track them to their boat trips to luxury accommodation.
They joined tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hotels all over Australia. Our most popular destinations also include the luxurious Curtin Detention Centre and world famous Christmas Island Resort.
If you still don't understand the rules, don't forget, there's no need to phone a friend or ask the audience. Just apply for legal aid. Hundreds of lawyers, social workers, counsellors and bleeding heart do-gooders are waiting to help and it won't cost you a penny.
It could change your life forever. So play today.
Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet activists, anti-Pinochet activists, Kosovan drug-smugglers, Tamil tigers, bogus Bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers, Somali guerrillas... COME ON DOWN!
Get along to the Indonesia fishing ports. Don't stop in Thailand or Bali. Go straight to Australia and you are GUARANTEED to be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners in the easiest game on earth. Everyone's a winner, when they play ASYLUM.
ORSM
VIDEO
A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."
The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."
The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."
The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.
The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right." The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left."
Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.
Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week."
A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."
The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."
"COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible"
The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way."
The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?" The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other thinks he's the President."
| GET 'EM OUT GIRLS |
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This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settled down, the man leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet." The wife takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first."
So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?"
No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours.
Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor. Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch."
| GIRLS OF THE ISRAEL ARMY |
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READER MAIL
Reader Mail will be taking a break over the next couple of weeks but please don't let that stop the barrage. I should have email access most of the time so feel free to entertain me with your emails. Everything will be posted as usual when I get back. As always you can keep me happy by filling my email hole with tits, jokes, video clips, tits, pictures and tits. All you must do is click here to make it happen.
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Twitter
Found this on Twitter and I thought You would like (please with held). The proof is attached, in case of delection. Cheers, mate!
Glorious boob. Girls take note - guys love this! -Orsm |
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Donald wrote:
Subject: Human's!!!!
Hi ORSM. Long been looking for something you might like; don't know about you but this makes me wonder about people, and just how much you can need a box! Thanks for the entertainment over the years, although I still have the burned-in image of that guy getting his head hacked off to thank you for! |
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Jason wrote:
Subject: A few interesting facts FYI
This makes interesting reading. Professor Ian Plimer could not have said it better! If you've read his book you will agree, this is a good summary. Australians showed sense in resisting the govt pressure to agree to a carbon tax the before the Copenhagen Conference - which seems years ago now. Are you sitting down? [continues...] |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: CraigsList post
from Phoenix, AZ. hide info pls :)
The question is he stupid and actually wants an iPad or stupid and wants an iPed... -Orsm |
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Cody wrote:
Subject: super baby
hi, Close friends of mine just had their 1st child about 8 months ago. i saw this photo of the baby on Facebook and couldn't stop laughing. The comment on the photo was, "please don't report us." |
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john wrote:
Subject: Chris Wangsaporn
Spotted this name in a Yahoo news story and had to stop to read it twice to make sure I read what I thought I read. No details please.
I could live with 'porn' in my name... be less happy about 'wangs'. -Orsm
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Matt wrote:
Subject: Old pic
Of my boy being photobombed by the cat. Withhold email address cheers
When asked for his opinion trhe cat replied "...". -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Black IS BEST!
Yo Orsm and its readers, Tapped my FIRST BLACK CHICK last week. Was the bomb.... Enjoy the pic. hide details and keep up great work Orsm |
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Gidge wrote:
Subject: A little contribution to your Prycless Theme
A little contribution to your Prycless Theme if its good enough. |
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SEYMORE wrote:
Subject: mailbox
since I've repainted my mailbox traffic is much calmer in the street... |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Great story
Please withhold info, thanks! Getting Messy at the Hardware Store... |
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Fred wrote:
Subject: Random
Hi, have been to Europe last year and found this funny sign in Germany. Love your work |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: photos
Hallo! Due to the very delicate nature of these undercover photos...there really isn't a "story" other than I think the world needs to be better acquainted with this woman. |
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Michael wrote:
Subject: A person's mind and desk....
Saw these photos on the Internet about a person's mind and his desk...
My desk is currently spotless.... -Orsm |
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OneMan wrote:
Subject: Old Watch Parts
It takes a lot of time to customise a great bike...
When watchmakers get bored. -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: To Bad He Died
The images, are shots I took in a Petrol station in Tanzania. They have car oil, brake fluid, battery water and booze on the same display. I kinda thought that weird! |
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OneMan wrote:
Subject: A-10
It's one of the modern-day Gatling guns. It shoots very big bullets. It shoots them very quickly. Someone said, "Let's put it in an airplane." Someone else said, "Better still, and let's build an airplane around it." [continues...] |
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OneMan wrote:
Subject: REAL-doll
$20,000 rubber REAL-doll
Even at $20k that's cheaper than a real woman... -Orsm
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Harald wrote:
Subject: Bike
New Bike from BTS Motorcycles Germany |
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a b wrote:
Subject: Ex Gf
Hey Orsm, Love the site. I've posted pics of an ex before, but here are a few more of a current beau. Hope you enjoy, we love the feedback!
Fucking hooooooot. -Orsm
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CJ wrote:
Subject: What a Train Set!!
This is the world's biggest train set which covers 1,150 square meters (12,380 square feet), features almost six miles of track and is still not complete. The set covers six regions including America, Switzerland, Scandinavia, Germany and the Austrian Alps. [continues...] |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Deuce days photos
Victoria, BC. Canada |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: some lovely girlfriend shots for the reader mail
I have sent a few other shots of my girl in for everyones viewing pleasure and I am sure these wont disappoint, as always love the site and keep the info private.
Awesome rack. -Orsm
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| DARE DORM |
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ORSM
VIDEO
Little Bruce and Becky are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Becky's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Becky are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Becky's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Becky." Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Becky makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.
"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?" Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little cunt is adorable.
| ZOE BRITTON |
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A stockman named Bluey was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in NSW when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a fancy suit, Gucci shoes, Prada sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the stockman, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Bluey looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not."
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Apple iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the stockman and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bluey.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bluey says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not."
"You're a senator in Julia Gillard's Labor Government", says Bluey. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the stockman. "You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep... now give me back my dog".
| LAN PARTY BABES |
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I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank...
I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.
I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle.
Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
| DEVON |
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Phil wanted a new birth control method and his doctor suggested a vasectomy. Phil agreed and the doctor said he could perform the operation in his office.
At a crucial moment during the procedure, one of Phil's testicles fell to the floor, and the nurse, who was wearing high heels, accidentally stepped on it and crushed it.
The doctor noticed a jar of pickled onions on his nurse's desk and realised it was the right size and weight, so he placed it in Phil's scrotum and completed the operation.
A few months later, Phil returned for a check up. When the doctor asked how things were going. Phil replied, "Pretty good, Doc. At least my wife's not pregnant, but there are some strange side effects. Every time we make love, my wife gets heartburn, when I pee, my eyes water and whenever I pass a hamburger stand, I get an erection."
ORSM
VIDEO
Well that's about all for another week folks. Hopefully you enjoyed surfing it as much as I did stick it altogether. If not, go fuck yourself. But before you do please read the following...
- Check out the site archives. They'll keep you warm on those cold nights.
- Next update will be next Thursday. So long as I have internet access...
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will eat everything on the buffet before you can even grab a plate.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and catch you on the flip. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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