Welcome to Orsm.net. Aioli.

It almost passed me by again without remembering but this September marks six years since Orsm.net was born. SIX YEARS! I can hardly believe it! Doesn't feel like that long [that's what she said] but here we are.

As you guys may remember last week was marked with the passing of another birthday for yours truly. It actually sucked more than last tear because the only break from getting the update finished was a brief interlude where my family dropped past with icecream cake. Seriously is there any better cake than icecream cake?

Present count = 2. A baking dish and a gift voucher. Yes I am unloved. I think that's an all time record actually. Not that I really give a crap... I end up telling everyone not to get me anything plus I'm impossible to shop for because everything I want is either too expensive or I don't want because my house is too small for more junk. Hey and let's not forget less presents means less having to conceal disappointment when you get something you hate...

Birthdays... I'm not a huge fan. I don't like much attention, hugs and kisses, anyone to sing happy birthday or even drop around. Just a quick call, email, SMS, whatever... I hate anyone going out of their way on my behalf but just an acknowledgement is more than enough. And did I get that? Fuck no!

It's rare that I get angry or annoyed and when I do it never lasts long. I have better things to do than sit around stewing over something but when a couple of my closest friends [you know who you are fuckers!] completely forgot it pushed my buttons in a big way. I can't explain why either... admittedly it all sounds like a bitchy overreaction right? I mean who gives a fuck? They just forgot - no big deal right? And with that I agree 100% but you feel how you feel I guess.

So two days later, late Saturday afternoon, half way through washing half the south west from my car I get visitors. At some point previous my friends had finally figured out why I'd bailed them for footy and why wasn't returning messages. It was all pretty funny by this stage... they came bearing cake, felt like assholes and even insisted on finishing cleaning my car so it didn't take much for me to forgive them. The best part? I've now got something to manipulate them with in the future. Ie. "I want to do this." "No." "But you forgot my birthday..."

Saturday was also the elimination round deciding who, the West Coast Eagles or Adelaide Crows, would make this weeks AFL Grand Final. I can safely say it was one of the worst games of football I have ever seen. How many fucking times do you need to handball it? Kick the ball LONG and ATTACK for fucks sake!

Miraculously the Eagles managed to come from behind in the last quarter and hold on to win which means we've got a rematch of last years Grand Final against the Sydney Swans. Hopefully we can get up and take the flag but if Saturday's game was anything to go by [and as much as it pains me to say this] I don't see them doing it. Sydney to win.

Back to last weekend... after I had listened to apologies for an hour or two and after the car was spotless we all decided to head out on the town for a drink. Probably about as short notice as you can get for a night on the town so there were only a handful of us but we still had an awesome time. The funniest part of the night was when we lined up to get a cab home and I got into an argument with a dyke over my flagrant use of the word 'dyke' whilst recounting a story where I may or may not of been assaulted by dykes at the same place two years ago. It ended with my asking her if she was calling me fat then me calling her a fat dyke and then telling her I would see her and her dyke mates at the local gay bar next week. What did she say? Who cares... she's just a dyke.

Wow that's a page already. I really had tones to crap on about this week but I shall spare you all and get on with it...

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Bono is at a U2 concert in Dublin when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says in to the microphone... "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." A voice from near the front pierces the silence... "Well, fucking stop clapping then!!"
--
A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced Port Adelaide supporter walks into Big W with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Big W – nice children you've got there - are they twins?" The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike, ya dickead?" "Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would fuck you twice!"

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A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted like iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet." No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.

There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes. "... don't tell me you've built a Golf Course."

ORSM VIDEO

Amateur Couple Fucking

Amazing Webcam Girl

Best Film Clip Ever?

Nascar Dummy Spit

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I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take any leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "...and where do you think you're going?" She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.

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READER MAIL
Mail male mayl... I usually write something here about how there has been a crap load of email from you guys this week which almost exploded my inbox. Now even though there was a crap load and my inbox did almost explode I'm not going to go on about it. That would be gay. I'll just say there was a lot. Oh by the way I apparently fucked up the Overflow last week so here is the link again.

Got something to contribute? Awesome because we love seeing whatever you've got including funny vids and pics, jokes, compromising pics of a tasty ex or current girlfriend, or anything else you can staple to an email and send. All you must do is click here and send away!

John wrote: Subject: Family-friendly fun by the Cairns lagoon There's nothing better than living up here in Cairns. Especially being able to spend lunch times down on the esplanade and enjoying the great views. Here's some pics a workmate took yesterday... Tuesday 19 September

Chris wrote: Subject: my exe s ass Hi man your site is great. hires my ex girlfriend pic that slut has now another guy thats why u got the pic now, its me and her, put it online if u can and lett me now what link. An ass that good and only one pic!? -Orsm

andreas wrote: Subject: my wife hi orsm. greetings from gremany. she is my wife.you can post Again - only one pic? What's wrong with you people!? -Orsm

Scott Barclay wrote: Subject: photos of signs Hi Orsm. I was recently in China where I took these photos. I'm reckon they make these signs deliberately. Brings in the tourists. -Orsm

Vertisun wrote: Subject: Dear Dad Hey Dad, a funny thing happened when I got home last night. You're gonna love this, I can see you laughing and saying "You silly Bugger" Ha Ha Ha! My foot accidentally slipped off the brake pedal and jammed down on the accelerator as I was coming up the drive. I'm really sorry, but I know you will find forgiveness in your heart. If you need me, I have spent the night out side the Naval Recruiting office and I'll be home in about 6 years. Your Son, David

<with held> wrote: Subject: RS pic Hey, love the site, keeps me entertained every week. Here is a pic I snapped whilst in Colorado - might be interesting. Please dont show my details. I like these kind of pics. Anyone got similar of their own wheels? Email me! -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: pix from the old harddisc hi mr. orsm! finally i found somethink to send....! found this on an old harddisc here in our office - seem's that the secritary forget to delete some pics before she was leaving the company.... enjoy - and share it to the world! all the best - keep on rockin the net! cheers a.

Austin Powers wrote: Subject: Typical holden driver :-) from a ford forum: "Came across this on the way back from woomera on a work trip. We were the first there (or well to stop) and found the young bloke lying on the side of the road. The lake was so boggy we couldnt get very close and only had rope long enough to reach and it wouldn't budge... When asked why he was on the lake he said 'I was trying to do a skaifey'"

<with held> wrote: Subject: Stupid Naive Ex So here are pictures of my stupid naive ex (18 now 19) from about half a year ago. Thinks he is king of the world and that he sets all the trends yet he makes his living sucking off old dudez and serving up icecream. I found out too late but busted him and stopped him from ex to the next after me from adding to his collection of trinkets to try to hide how poor he is. A expensive robe here, a picture of him leaning against someone else's car there, and poof he's a rich boi! He was stupid enough to leave me a lot of passwords to try to gain my trust and plenty more photos than this on my pc before I left his side and took everything with me leaving him to starve and suffer. Sometime soon afterward he slept with a 15 year old after getting lied to about their age and got caught totally off guard when he got owned online with the other photo included of him next to a stop sign. He came whining to me to help him from some young kid doing the same thing to him that he does to other guys. Smell the irony? I love when people take things back from him that mean something to him.

Beejay wrote: Subject: my psycho mate Hi Orsm. Have a mate who plays a kind of wargame called airsoft. He's a bit of a pyro and took it upon himself to make a home made rocket propelled grenade launcher. This video shows a 'small' rocket being fired. I'm pleased he's my mate and not an enemy!

Gav wrote: Subject: Great answering machine mesage.. Hey man.. this is an answering machine message from a bird called twink. Shes a minor tv celeb in Ireland. I think the Irish ex pat boys will like this... good example of a woman scorned I think..

<with held> wrote: Subject: Crazy dancing i love your site, i look forward to friday mornings so much. i had this guys parents in today buying a car. i think he was bored, just dancing to his own beat! i had to be sneeky with my phone. can i say hey to my mates Floppy, Wolfy and zaino?? oh wait i just did.

Monty Chapman wrote: Subject: dukes of haggard happy birthday man.. i will be making a good effort 2 get a video in each week.

West Locals wrote: Subject: westlocals Mister Awesome Orsm, This is a vid i made for calaisturbo.com.au an Australian based VL calais car group website. the song used in it is "Crazy - Gnarls Barkley" you cand find more vids on our website at westlocals.com. peace out and GO THE FARKIN EAGLES! "Were not here to play in a grand final, were here to win the premiership!"

<with held> wrote: Subject: from Greece (homade porno video!!!) Hey orsm that's cool site.... there is nice stuff to see. i send you a homade video that i find it from a friend. Do not post my email or any other info about me. Bye from Greece.

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy. Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shoite, Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

"Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?". Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?" "Mick phoned. You left your wheelchair at the pub."

ORSM VIDEO

Bush Loves OBGYN's

Armless Guitarist

Pole Dance Face Plant

Extreme Deathwishing

A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!" SoThe blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp.

Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out.. "SHIT... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

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The couple was each 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," St. Peter replied, "Remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play free, every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free-flowing beverages and a fountain of Champagne. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked. "That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at all?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins! We could have been here twenty years ago!"

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Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish people for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel Sharon, the Minister of Israel, sent a proposal to the College of Cardinals for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders, or their representatives, to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholics and the Jews.

The Pope then met with the College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal. "Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete. I am afraid that this would tarnish our image in the world."

The Pope thought about this and since he had never held a golf club in his life asked, "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?"

"None who plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "There is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout Catholic. We can arrange to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Sharon as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we will also win the match." Everyone agreed that this was a great idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honoured and he agreed to play as a representative of the Pope.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "This is Cardinal Nicklaus. I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the golfer. "Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I have played some terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked. "I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Woods."

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Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realised they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, well never forget you!'"

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A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

ORSM VIDEO

Body Armour Works

Weird Al: White & Nerdy

Smart Car GSXR Hybrid

Mickey Rourke On Pussy

Okay dudes time to pulling the pin on this update. Yes, the time has come for me to call it a night, find some dinner and get some sleep.

When will I be back? Well I gotta say if you haven't worked out by now that every Thursday is update day then you are gayer than David Tench. Anyway if you can't handle waiting that long then I highly recommend taking a walk through the Orsm Archives. Every single update going back until 2000 is safely entombed for your surfing pleasure.

Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and bring on Spring. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Welcome to Orsm.net. I am Jacks 29th birthday.

I remember checking the calendar this date last year and quietly saying ‘fuck' to myself. I've always hated working on my birthday but unfortunately I suffer from a medically diagnosed, untreatable condition known as Updatitis which means updates must be done on a Thursday, every single week no matter what. So when my birthday falls on one it more or less precludes me from acknowledging it in the traditional festive, alcoholic kind of way. Sucks to be me huh?

As you may have read last week I finally managed to escape for a few days. This little break was an extremely long time coming too and although it was only for four days it was long enough and far enough away to have the desired effect. I've been way stressed out lately, the kind you can feel in your face, the kind where you are always waiting and wondering what is going to fuck up next. It got me wondering how long before that stress manifests itself as some sort of psychiatric condition culminating with me setting fire to an orphanage.

Anyway I didn't actually think I'd be able to swing it and as I mentioned a while back the next foreseeable holiday is March 2007 for a wedding. So I busted my ass to get the update done plus take care of about a million other things that required my attention and I wasn't until late Wednesday morning that I knew if I could go or not. And then... somehow... everything fell into place... and I was gone.

My destination was a small touristy town called Dunsborough which is roughly 250 kilometres from home and believe me when I say there was an immovable grin on my face for every single millimeter of it. Not only was I escaping internet, email and work for a few days but I was headed to my favourite place in the world.

So how did I manage to amuse myself? Pretty much by sightseeing. The south west has some of the most awesome scenery you will ever experience so I basically just went touring. From leaving home to arriving home I racked up 1400 kilometres which incidentally is what I would usually clock up in around six weeks otherwise. I found some cool places too. Anyone familiar with the region will probably know Caves Road and for the first time I drove the entire length of it. Along the way I discovered a little area called Boranup which had a track that cut through the [without sounding like a fag here] most breathtaking forest I have ever laid my eyes on. The track took me probably 45 minutes to drive and even better it was raining which is something I will never forget.

I went on a bit of a photo taking rampage too. I'm still very much the novice when it comes to taking pictures but there were definitely a few good ones in the 400 hundred or so I snapped. You can see some of them here.

Upon returning I did cop some shit from a few people telling me I'm a weirdo fucker for going away solo. My reply to that was pretty much who else is better to go away with than yourself? You get to do exactly what you want when you want, don't have to wait for anyone and there's no one to piss you off and complain. Add to that I am more than comfortable in my own company. So someone tell me – is that really so odd?

On to this weekend... at the moment it's looking like a pretty massive one. Both of Western Australia's football teams are into the second last round of the finals. If they both win then it will be a west versus west grand final but if either of them loses then its season over. Whatever happens it will be a very football-centric weekend around here.

There may also be a drunken night on the town too. I can't remember the last one we had which means it was too long ago. Beyond that I've got crap loads of gardening that needs doing and my car is covered in caked on dirt and dust from my jaunt into the south west so that will surely sap up the remaining day light hours. Looking forward to it anyway!

Just wanted to give a quick shout out for the annual Make A Difference Ride in Perth which aims to help kids born with cancer. The ride will be held Sunday October 8th and is organised by my mates at Perth Street Bikes. This is an awesome event for a good cause so if you would like to attend or get more info check the website!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

How long have I been promoting Newbie Nudes? Forever! Why? Because it is the fucking best! Believe it or not there are over 400,000 active users, almost 1 million photos, and 17,000 videos AND it's growing by the day! So if you haven't checked out god's greatest gift to the internet and want to see and interact with real babes then Newbie Nudes is the place to be! Check it now!

The Napster Of Porn - Nancy Hall at FreePorn-Resource.com has been fighting for a free adult internet since 1999. As featured on Howard Stern and featured adult resource on the top major search engines. Surfers should never have to pay for porn ever again if they use her free adult comsumer resource.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Fantastic TaTa's - Virtual Villagers - Michael J Wannabe - Puppet Attack! - Real Or Fake? - Angry Manager

Celeb Pics - Pussy Parade - Party Of My Life - Sex Bomb Sarah - Aussie Babes Ass - Prycless 46 - String Puppetry

Macca's Chicks 2 - Horny Blonde - Christina - Posh's Nips - RateMyPix! - Amateur Porn - Cancun Lez

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into K-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The K-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to K-Mart... nice children you've got there - are they twins?" The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?" "No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"
--
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!" At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!" "Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

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Edward the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Pat, the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Pat the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Edward the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Edward the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme!

The next day, Pat the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Pat the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Edward the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Edward the Dragon Slayer. Pat the Physician then slipped Edward the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Edward worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Edward the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Edward the Dragon Slayer found Pat the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Edward the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Pat the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day, Pat the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's shorts. The King immediately summoned Edward the Dragon Slayer...

MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your bills.

ORSM VIDEO

David Brent At Microsoft

Jessica Simpsons Camel Toe

Schweaty Balls

Evil Parent

I GOT MY FLESH LIGHT AND ALL I CAN SAY IS FUCKING FANTASTIC!!
TRUST ME WHEN I SAY IF YOU LIKE YOUR PENIS THEN YOU WILL LOVE FLESH LIGHT! YOU WILL BE AMAZED!

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Australia, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard... but no ark.

"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed.

“I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to VCAT for a decision.”

“Then the electricity companies demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.”

“Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!”

“When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.”

“Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.”

“To make matters worse, the Tax Office seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.”

“So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, you're not going to destroy the world?" "No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him out of ten million bucks; his bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and the reason he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything that he'd ever have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million bucks is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about. That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The Attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

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READER MAIL
Someone please remind me to turn my email off next time I go away anywhere. When I got back and checked on Sunday afternoon to see what I'd missed there were literally 500 new emails waiting for me which took me all of Monday to go through and I still haven't finished!

With such a huge influx to deal with I've brought back the Overflow and it's absolutely huge this week. I'll have to keep it going in coming weeks because there is still masses of stuff submitted that needs to be seen! Anyway you can find the latest one here.

If you've got something Orsm-worthy laying around that you would like to contribute and have ogled by a few hundred thousand people then passed around via email for all eternity then we are always more than happy to receive naked pics of an Ex, crazy videos, jokes, pics of any shape, form or taste and pretty much any other random retarded stuff you have lying around. All you gotta do is click here and make the sending magic happen!

Beeno wrote: Subject: aussie soldiers G'day Mr Orsm. Love the site and check it out every week. Just a quick one about the latest Defence media triumph. Did anybody else notice what was on the wall behind the solider pointing the pistol at the mock Arab? The image was on just about every TV news service background and news website.

Melvos Love God wrote: Subject: Woman's Beauty treatment to make their skin glow - works for me Hey Mr. ORSM, Please see attached the following same advertisment, one was a banner on Orchard Rd, Singapore and one in the national paper. It is innocent enough, but if you are a lateral thinking individual is oh so much more. I will keep a copy of it and when am recieving a a blowjob from my wife I will produce this as evidence that it will keep her skin soft / supple and all round good thing to do.

CJ wrote: Subject: A Needy Neighbour: Hey Orsm. Sorry I missed your call... I was next door holding the ladder for a neighbour while she changed a light bulb!!!

Mike Collens wrote: Subject: drunk mate Gday Mr ORSM, Love ya work. Just thought you might like some “drunk of the month” shots of a top mate of ours during our trail bike riding adventures in Cervantes last weekend. What happens in the shack, stays in the shack…right?...........Wrong!

G Miller wrote: Subject: diving Greetings from Canada, Frequent visitor, first time e-mailer. Love your site man, keep up the good work. Jus thought I would send a sequence of pics I took of a friend hitting the pool. The look on the guys face beneath the board is pretty funny. Thanks and have a good one

Pete wrote: Subject: Scandinavian adventure Thought i would say hi and let you know what i've been up to. We have just come back from a fantastic 9 day trip in Scandinavia, through Sweden and Norway. Spent a weekend in Stockholm and the sun was out, lots of walking and lots of rivers and canals running through it, as there are many islands that make up Stockholm. Quite an appealing city.

markos ramirez wrote: Subject: London Carnival Pictures! you public my video so?London Upskirt Carnival:) thanks alot ORSM! Ill send you picture of the same carnival. there are two email with different picture was an amazing carnival!

<with held> wrote: Subject: More accidents Geez I love my job as a paramedic. I get to see the stupid shit people do their cars.

Andrew Wolhuter wrote: Subject: New Exhaust Repair shop Hiya Mr Orsm ... I am a huge fan, here are some pic's of one of South Africa's many high-tech exhaust repair workshops. If you hadn't of said this happened in SA I'd have sworn it was the same guys who service my car... -Orsm

Rick Ballinger wrote: Subject: porsche Hey Orsm. Here are some pic's of a The latest Porsche in New Zealand that's not even for sale yet I don't think the test day went to plan. Great site keep it up Ooops... -Orsm

Frankino Franikini wrote: Subject: Made In Praha 2006 Hi Mr Orsm. I have a great pictures for you .......Look what happens if you fall asleep to the sun. Great....... bye bye form Italy

<with held> wrote: Subject: Pics of my wife Love your site. just wanted to send some photos of my wife she does not know. Look over them and enjoy. Do not post my email or any other info about me. Now they are some big titties. -Orsm

pavlos moutsis wrote: Subject: video pefkochori greece 2006 hi. after 6 days fier in the region of chalkidiki northern greece the first big rain went thrue the village of pefkochori .the gray collor is the ash from the burned forest all this watter ends into the sea. Mmm chocolate. -Orsm

Claylon wrote: Subject: horny bitch Hey Mr. Orsm, I'm a big fan of your site, just want to share this video I captured from an old lady with a cam. Watch the whole video and see what a handy marker can do for a horny bitch like her. waaa ha ha ha,

Steve wrote: Subject: contribution Hi Orsm, Been loving the site for years and finally have something to contribute. Love the guys sense of humour. -Orsm

jeremy wogernese wrote: Subject: burnout video A couple of months ago i sent you a vid of my friends 60 ford pick up doing a burnout, here is my car, an 87 buick regal with a built chevy 355 too many goodies to list. Please post. I love the site, keep up the good work!

West Locals wrote: Subject: Another Locals Vid Got another Vid to add into the totally orsm archives of this website. This ones call "We're Not Street Kids" and the music in this video is. "Return To Innocence - Enya" and "All To Blame - Sum41" thanks for the support to everyone who likes the vids and thanks moreso to the ones who notify the police.

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own. The old farmer smiled and said," Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

ORSM VIDEO

Cool Rally Highlights

B52 Crash

Smart, Smart Doggies

Bra Faster

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

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A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the Sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 3 1,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

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RANDOM SHITE Thought it would be nice to do a big RS this week for no real reason other than I can. Does this mean I can fill it with more obscenity to piss you guys off? Probably, but there's only one way to find out! Check it... RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite biscuits wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite biscuits. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Aussie wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in crumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula...

"Fuck off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

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A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

NOTE: The husband's condition is stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.

ORSM VIDEO

Arab Driiift

Up Skirt Pranks

Great Fucking Mates

The Drummer Drums

Considering it's my birthday and I'm yet to make a wish I will do so now... in the next 24 hours over 70,000 people will hit this page so if everyone could tell at least 2 friends, family, colleagues, neighbours, arresting officers or random chicks with massive boobs to visit ORSM-DOT-NET then that would be fucking fantastic and make my birthday!

If you were wondering when I will return with a brand new update then Thursday is the day and as a matter of fact EVERY Thursday is the day. And if you cant wait that long then it's definitely time for you to hit the site archives. They are chock full of tens of thousands of Random Shite's, naked females and videos dating back six years. Trust me when I say it is the greatest archive of free entertainment on the internet – no bullshit!

Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and don't forget your mates birthdays!! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Welcome to Orsm.net. Coming to you live from beyond the update.

If you are reading this then it's already too late. Honer has put this update online and I am no longer among you. But more on that later...

Without sounding like too much of a drama queen last week was a black week for Australia. Not only did we lose Steve Irwin to the unlucky strike of a Stingray but the country was shocked again with the death of legendary motorsport icon Peter Brock.

When the first news started to filter out that he had been killed the general reaction was once again that of sheer disbelief. The same questions everyone had asked earlier in the week arose. How could this happen?

Brocky was one of those guys that transcended his sport. Whether or not you were into cars you knew who Peter Brock was. Everywhere he popped up fans mobbed him. He was a living legend and regardless of you being a Holden or a Ford boy everyone respected him.

All this has made me wonder who will be next? Who else would we never expect to suddenly depart? I can definitely think of a few that I'd like to see go though...

My weekend... petty damn average. I hate this time of year more than any other. The weather is still shitty and it's just generally depressing. At least the days are noticeably longer now.

Saturday... the house was long overdue for a clean so that's pretty much what I did. Admittedly my enthusiasm wasn't sky high but I eventually got it done and it's now possible to walk around with bare feet again. Most dog owners will know exactly what I mean when I say nice it's nice being able to hop straight into bed and not have to wipe dog hair and sand off my feet...

By far the highlight of my weekend was doing groceries later in the day. I got in there about 15 minutes to close so by the time I grabbed a few things the checkouts were packed full of people trying to get out. When I got to the front of the queue the checkout chick started scanning my shit and I told her I needed to get cigarettes. She calls to another girl who brings them over then she stops, looks me straight in the eye and says "can I see your ID please?". I stare back waiting for her to smile as if she were joking. "Are you SERIOUS? ... I turn 29 in a week!" I say. "Yes I need to check your ID." By this point everyone behing me was having a good chuckle and to be honest I wasn't sure if I should be offended or flattered but as she had particularly nice breasts I went with the latter. [See girls - good boobs is all it takes!]

Car problems again. Whodathunkit? The place where I get my baby serviced has been harassing me with letters, text messages and phone calls since July telling me I had to get a service done or my warranty would be voided. I do such low kilometers that I don't like getting it done exactly every six months but I've figured out that you can stretch it to almost eight without voiding anything.

Anyway I dropped it in for the 100,000k do over and went on my merry way. Later in the day I get a call saying the power steering pump was borked but not to worry because the [until now useless] extended warranty was actually going to cover it! Was he for real or was this just the lead up to an elaborate practical joke? They've done this before... the car goes in for a quick service and ends in me being dry-raped by a guy screaming "say my name, bitch!" while the rest of the service staff stand around pumping their fists in the air cheering. Okay so it wasn't AS BAD this time but I still got jabbed... the new pump may have been 'free' but guess who has to cough up for the oil and flush? This car so needs to go...

Now as I mentioned above - I am no longer with you! Why? Am I dead? No... I've escaped! As you read this I should be down south enjoying a few days off. There's been a mad scramble to get this update finished so I wouldn't have to endure a torrent of email abuse for skipping a week but Reader Mail was chopped due to time constraints however I'm sure you guys will survive without it!

The Napster Of Porn - Nancy Hall at FreePorn-Resource.com has been fighting for a free adult internet since 1999. As featured on Howard Stern and featured adult resource on the top major search engines. Surfers should never have to pay for porn ever again if they use her free adult comsumer resource.

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

How long have I been promoting Newbie Nudes? Forever! Why? Because it is the fucking best! Believe it or not there are over 400,000 active users, almost 1 million photos, and 17,000 videos AND it's growing by the day! So if you haven't checked out god's greatest gift to the internet and want to see and interact with real babes then Newbie Nudes is the place to be! Check it now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Hypnotic Boobies - Hot Naked Teen - Awesome Game - Fully Siiiick! - Lucky Bitch - RateMyPix! - Macca's Chicks

Public Flasha - FHM Model - Magnificent Ass - Tasty CamGurl - Amber Is Hot - What A Fag - Jessica's Rack

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we have no bread." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we haven't got any fucking bread." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any fucking bread, for Christ's sake. Ask me again and I'll nail your fucking beak to the bar you irritating bastard of a fucking bird!" Duck says: "Got any nails?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?"
--
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
--
The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The Boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." "Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."

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A man takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the window?" "Uh... yes sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a Genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie, "you've got it. It's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's YOUR wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in over a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about your feelings, Honey?" "You know I love you, sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of nonstop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "No Kidding," he said, "thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

ORSM VIDEO

Chasers Vs Televangelist's

Animators On Stewie

The Real Karate Kid

The Amazing Racist

I GOT MY FLESH LIGHT AND ALL I CAN SAY IS FUCKING FANTASTIC!! YOUR PENIS WILL LOVE FUCKING IT!

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 km's per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" "Only when he's been drinking!"

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A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

ORSM VIDEO

Baby Bruce Lee

Horespower Hero

Black/White Magic

Cop Attacked

51 THINGS GIRLS WANT GUYS TO KNOW

1. Saying "I love you" immediately before, during, or following sex doesn't count.
2. Real men drive stick shift.
3. I will leave if you lie.
4. You are cute in raglan-sleeved T-shirts (two-toned baseball undershirts).
5. I'm convinced I'm pregnant and obsess about it for a minimum of 24 to 48 hours before my period, even when I have no rational reason to think so.
6. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.
7. "Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look.
8. Most of the time when I fantasize, it's about you.
9. I'm terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her.
10. I get turned on simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you.
11. I expect you to call me.
12. Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants.
13. I'm scared of losing my independence.
14. I'm more forgiving of you than I really should be.
15. Oral sex is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card. Expensive shoes also do the trick.
16. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm not. (See directly above.)
17. If I'm not having sex with you, I'm: a). having a fat day. b). not feeling "connected" to you. c). blackmailing you to get something I want.
18. Shoes determine whether you're fashionable or not.
19. I own a Debbie Gibson CD, and I'm not afraid to use it.
20. When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing.
21. A man I love plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up date and impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when we're just going to the movies.
22. You look hot in hooded clothing items.
23. You should never tell me what to do.
24. If I slept over, you owe me breakfast.
25. My breasts love much licking and sucking.
26. If you ask me out directly, I will say yes.
27. I'm very impressed when you ask for my advice.
28. I'm unimpressed with a man who doesn't take the lead.
29. When in doubt, go with the shirt that matches your eye color.
30. I want to be Madonna.
31. Women get urinary-tract infections easily, so watch (and wash) your fingers.
32. I'm in heaven when you hold my hand.
33. You're sexy when you're shaving, fixing things, wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby.
34. I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now.
35. Surprises, especially gifts for moi = more loving.
36. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you - and for you to recognise this.
37. If I'm not feeling loved, I will start looking....
38. Discussion of ex-gf's and ex-bf's should be avoided at all times.
39. I like it when you tell me what you're thinking, even if you don't know yourself.
40. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months, earns major bonus points.
41. I love it when you're sweaty.
42. It's best to consult your gal pals for gift ideas.
43. A lady should always be greeted with kisses.
44. I like porn.
45. I'll always love Orsm more. That's just the way it is. Sorry. Deal with it.
46. I love holding your buns in the palms of my hands.
47. Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public.
48. It's cheating as soon as you're doing something with her that you wouldn't want me to see, hear, read...
49. For the record: I'd rather you break up with me than cheat.
50. I remember everything about our relationship.
51. You should know all this and more with-out my telling you.

ORSM VIDEO

Billiard Dominos

Falling

Overshot The Runway

Amazing Climber

A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!" "Hey, mind your language!" says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - it's a Fucker fish!"

Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. "Look at this huge fucker" says the priest, spotting the bishop. "Language please! This is Gods house," replies the bishop. "No, no - that's what this fish is called," says the priest. "Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner".

So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.

"My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked. "No, sister that's what the fish is called - a fucker," says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!"

The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it. "Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest. "And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says " You know what?, You cunts are alright."

NOW THIS IS WHAT I CALL HOT... Andrea - Andrea - Andrea - Andrea - Andrea - Andrea - Andrea - Andrea - Andrea - Andrea Andrea - Andrea - Andrea - Andrea - Andrea - Andrea

An Aboriginal found himself in a brothel in Kings Cross and decided to approach a prostitute. He asked her, "How much do you charge for the hour? "$100," She replied. "Do you do black feller style?" Not knowing exactly what this was she refused.

He tried to sweeten the deal and said, "I'll pay you $300 to do it black feller style". Again she declined. Being the persistent type, he laid down the final offer, "I'll give you $500 to go black feller style with me! What do you say?"

Finally she agrees thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've been there and done that, and had every kind of request from weirdo's from all over the world. How bad could black feller style be?" After several intense hours of every possible way and position, she turned to him and said. "That was fantastic, but I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the black feller style' come in?"

The Aboriginal opened a can of beer and replied, "I'll pay you next Wednesday when I get me dole check!".

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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in prison and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey... I love you, too!"

HOW DOES A RETIRED AIRLINE PILOT AMUSE HIMSELF? The Cosmic Muffin - The Cosmic Muffin - The Cosmic Muffin - The Cosmic Muffin The Cosmic Muffin - The Cosmic Muffin - The Cosmic Muffin

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers..." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast..."

ORSM VIDEO

Musical Skates

Soldier Pranks

Garden Whacker

Insane Down Hill

That's a wrap, people! Yes I am all done and dusted for another week and as always hoping that I've managed to keep you away from whatever else it is you're supposed to be doing...

To those of you wondering when I will return with a whole new one then Thursday is the day and matter of factly every Thursday is the day. If that still isn't enough then click here and have a surf through the site archives. There's six long years of updates showcasing some of the most amazing stuff you will ever see! Seriously!

Before I bid you all farewell please show me some love and support the site by telling your family, friends, neighbours, co-workers, pets and English-speaking Muslims about this fucking fantastic website you found called ORSM-DOT-NET!.

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and RIP Brocky. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Welcome to Orsm.net. Crikey!

I swear there are some people you just think will never die. Steve Irwin was one of them.

Monday was a day of disbelief for most people. At around lunchtime I got an SMS from my brother saying that the Croc Hunter was dead. "Bullshit!" I replied. The next hour was manic. The net slowed to a crawl, email went haywire and the phone rang - everyone in shock or trying to confirm if it were true or not. How could it be? Superheroes don't die...

To be completely honest I didn't watch his show much. He was a crazy fucker and I could never quite relax watching him mess with natures nasties. One particular episode springs to mind... he was playing with a very deadly, very angry snake that defends itself by spitting poison in its prey's eyes. The thing was going nuts but what did Steve do? He wore sunglasses!

That said you really had to admire the guy. He was passionate, probably the greatest ambassador Australia has ever known, took life by the horns and cherished his family above all else. We should all hope to be regarded as highly and get as much out of our own lives.

Anyone that says he had it coming to him or he deserved it is a bloody idiot. He knew what he was doing and it was always done with the best intentions. The Croc Hunter had a lot to give to the world and he'll be sadly missed. One thing is for sure though - 44 is far too young to die.

Moving on... our Prime Minister made a comment this week that some Muslims living in Australia were refusing to integrate into society. By that he meant many of them are not learning to speak English and without it can't get a job or interact. The result was the Islamic Council and various others getting all bent out of shape saying he was alienating Muslims.

At the risk of being labeled a racist or bigot or whatever I say regardless of your ethnicity or religion if you don't want to integrate, if you don't want to share our values, if you don't want to adopt the way of life then please fuck off back to where you came from. I'm sick of it. Don't bring your shit here and fuck up a good thing.

Anyway on to my week... it's no secret that's the only reason you guys come here...

It didn't actually hit me how thrashed I was from until Friday evening. Last week was killer - I got tonnes of work done but pulled some extremely late nights doing it so come 7ish and I was ready for some relaxing. Bad luck really because it was a mate's birthday and we had dinner and a huge night on the booze planned. So we head out to some fancy Indian restaurant in the city where I must say the food was awesome but the place was a little too oobie-doobie for my liking.

A few hours later we were all finished. The problem was that after eating a rather heavy Indian meal pretty much the last thing anyone wanted to do was head out on to the town so we bailed home. In the end it was decreed - you either go out for one or the other but not both.

The rest of the weekend was nice and uneventful. A sleep-in, some grocery shopping and a couple of DVD's. Just what the doctor ordered. With Fathers Day on Sunday we had a family lunch thing at the old boys place. Good food, a couple of beers and that was about it.

I think that's enough dribbling... let's get on with the update shall we?

How long have I been promoting Newbie Nudes? Forever! Why? Because it is the fucking best! Believe it or not there are over 400,000 active users, almost 1 million photos, and 17,000 videos AND it's growing by the day! So if you haven't checked out god's greatest gift to the internet and want to see and interact with real babes then Newbie Nudes is the place to be! Check it now!

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Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Tasty Teen Boobies - Hidden Expedition - Ringtone Inspector - Eva Mendes - Musical Cats - New Kids Books

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Got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'magic`. "Wow!" I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise to the challenge!!! "Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waist line that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute! "Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!" she giggled... So I told her to fuck off.
--
The man brought the girl back to his apartment, took off his clothes, and said, "I'd like you to meet my little friend." She took a look, gathered up her clothes, then said, "Call me when it grows up."

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Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden... POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!!!" Then POOF!! She was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows." Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, FRED! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!"

ORSM VIDEO

Big Boy Tazered

Tara Reid Fucking

The Croc Hunter

Hello Can You Hear Me?

I GOT MY FLESH LIGHT AND ALL I CAN SAY IS FUCKING FANTASTIC!!
TRUST ME WHEN I SAY IF YOU LIKE YOUR PENIS THEN YOU WILL LOVE FLESH LIGHT! YOU WILL BE AMAZED!

On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

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Need some advice on what could be a life changing decision. Thanks in advance guys.

I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been cheating on me. The usual signs - phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my g/f. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.

Should I take it into a panel beater or should I buy some filler and try to repair it myself?

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READER MAIL
Staying true to form you guys have been busy punishing my inbox this week. Seems like everyone wanted to have their say on something plus there is a whole crap load of other cool stuff which is sure to delight.

Anyway if you would like to be an Orsm submitter and maybe even have your stuff featured in next weeks Reader Mail then stop wasting your time and send me something! Stuff we love includes naked pics of an Ex, crazy videos, jokes, pics of any shape, form or taste and pretty much any other random retarded stuff you have lying around. All you gotta do is click here and send, send, send!

Andrew wrote: Subject: Urgent! ...Steve Irwin... Dear ORSM Dude, Hopefully this will make it to you in time for this week's update should you see fit to include it. Basically, as the world now knows, Steve Irwin is no longer with us. I was surprised just how much coverage it got in the UK, cos there are still LOADS of people that haven't heard of him over here (anyone without satelite TV for a start) - it was really quite impressive the way his passing seemed to get to everyone. He was a bit of a loon, but a lovable loon that gave a shit about his environment and the animals within it. Television, and the natural world, will be that bit sadder without him. The attached five pictures are my homage to him ...the first two are just nicked from the web, and are included here cos they're topical. However, I've created the last three out of respect for him. No offence meant to his family or your countrymen.

Mark wrote: Subject: RS its a number for a law firm in Wisconsin called Hammett Bellin & Oswald LLC... But the area code has changed to 920... it was 414. see this is what happens when you have too much time on your hands... THANKS ORSM anyways the answer is 414-720-0000 I actually assumed this was an ad for Google! -Orsm

RODGER ROBINSON wrote: Subject: IMO Simon This picture is in memory of my friend and companion, Simon. He and I had our pix posted in March 2006.Will you please post the last image of my dear friend.Rodger with a "D" Gorgeous dog. -Orsm

Boyd wrote: Subject: bad advertising! Hey orsm, thanks for wasting many hours of my life. Got a page from a local catalogue for a big electronic store. Don't think i would buy this set top box, maybe one for the ladies

Mark Rider wrote: Subject: Only in Texas Mr. Orsm, We took a drive out to Bum Fuck Texas for the Labor Day weekend to visit some relatives on their ranch. About 60 miles west of Fort Worth we stopped at a rest stop, and they had this sign in front of the grassy area for exercising pets. I can't believe that this would be necessary, but I guess there are folks hauling cows or horses that have tried it. Hope all is well with you!

holden149 wrote: Subject: 8/31/06 Dude, your site is the best Anywho, just thought i'd send you some pic's of a lounge My best mate and I made using a VS Commadore I think it's KooL but the wife say's i gotta get rid of it. Thats mint. Have always wanted to make one. -Orsm

Rooster wrote: Subject: Is 330 MPH fast enough for ya? Just spent the weekend at the US Nationals in Indianapolis and got some cool video of the Top Fuel Dragsters. Nothing like the smell of Nitro Methane and seeing a car go 1/4 mile in 4.5 seconds at 330 Mph. Thought you might like to post the vid. Great site, keep it up. Almost as fast as my car. Honestly true story I swear. -Orsm

Daws wrote: Subject: Funny Video recorded sunday hey man got a vid of my mate jumping through a door. I reckon its pretty funny!! Let us know if ya wanna chuck it up. Im a perth boy aswell. Wickid site by the way dude keep it up Looks like fun but I gotta ask - why? -Orsm

markos wrote: Subject: carnival! just for you And I thank you for this! -Orsm

Sebastien Doucet wrote: Subject: Cool young guitarist Hi Orsm! Great site! Here's a little something cool. This guy is 15 years old! Amazing. -Orsm

George has decided to get married, but not just to anybody. He wants to marry a virgin, a good girl that hasn't fooled around and won't ever. After a bit of thinking, he makes up this scheme to tell "good girls" from "bad girls".

One day, as he's going down the street, he spots Janice, one of the three young women on his "eligible" list. He walks right up to her, pulls down his pants and flashes her. "Well, Janice," he says, "what do you reckon this is?" "Why, it's a dick, of course," replies Janice instantly. Obviously, Janice has been with men before, thinks George, and he cuts her off the list.

Next on the list is Christine. After finding her, he goes on and flashes her too. "Tell me, Christine, what do you think this is?" "It's your dick, George," answers Christine. Off the list goes Christine.

His final hope is in Mary. He finds her and proceeds to the flashing. "Mary, what do you think this is?" asks George. Mary looks at his dick for a whole minute, then finally answers. "I honestly don't know, George, I'm sorry." "ARE YOU SURE?" asks George again, unbelieving. "Here, study it all you want, just be sure." Mary takes her time and studies George's organ for a full quarter of an hour. "Sorry, George, I still can't tell what it could possibly be."

George is thrilled, and proposes to her. A few weeks later, they are married. It's their first night together. They both go to bed, naked, and George feels it's time to explain a few things to his wife. "Mary, I'm going to learn you something very important. See this thing here, between my legs. That's a dick." You call THAT is a dick?" gasps Mary. "You should see John's!"

ORSM VIDEO

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So this guy wants to have a luau. He needs a pig for a luau, so he goes to a pig farm. He asks the farmer for a twenty-pound pig. The farmer goes into the pen, searches around awhile. He picks up a pig, puts the tail in his mouth, and begins swinging the pig around for a few seconds.

He puts the pig down, and says, "Nope, not quite twenty pounds." He picks up another, puts the tail in his mouth, swings the pig around awhile, and declares, "This one's twenty pounds!" He brings the pig out, and the man says in a shocked tone, "You can't weigh a pig like that!"

"Sure I can," said the farmer, "Watch this." He called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig. The boy came over, picked up the pig, put its tail in his mouth, and swung it around awhile. He put the pig down and said, "This one weighs twenty pounds."

The man still looked perplexed, so the farmer told the boy to get his mother so that she can weigh the pig. After five minutes, the boy returned alone. "She can't come out just yet," the boy said. "She's weighing the mailman."

HOW ISLAM PUNISHES AN 8YO FOR STEALING Cruel & Unusual - Cruel & Unusual - Cruel & Unusual - Cruel & Unusual - Cruel & Unusual Cruel & Unusual - Cruel & Unusual

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup. As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems.

Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said, "Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolise and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!"

The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologise if I offended you but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."

"Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?" "Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips."

"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?" "Well, I really don't know ...."

"I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person." "Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity - it's out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."

"Well let's go inside and settle this". "No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it." "You're on!" said the guy.

The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please".

The bartender sighed and said, "Is that fucking nun out there again!"

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A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.

After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar - A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. "First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it... In one second the sharp lime taste hits... at two seconds the Baileys curdles... at three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.

This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?" She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge!"

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The madam had assembled some of her girls for the men in town for the pharmacists' convention. "This is Dolores," she smiled, "for $250 I can promise you an exciting evening starting with a hot tub."

"And this is Connie, available for $375. She's rigged an Oriental Swing in her room. Now lovely Maria," she continued "can be yours for both straight and kinky sex, including bondage. She's yours for the night for only $300."

"And if you take a fancy to tantalizing Jenny here, why she can..." "Just a minute." interrupted one of the druggists. "Don't you have any generic fucks?"

ORSM VIDEO

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Well kids that's all for this week. All finished and if my tiredness is anything to go by then this update was actually worth the time it took to surf and you will all be itching for more!?

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Until next time be good, stay off the chems and RIP Croc Hunter. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.