Welcome to Orsmnet. Keeping it real since around 4pm today.

Saturday... what can I say about Saturday? As I mentioned last week this was the day of the AFL Grand Final - Eagles versus Swans... west versus east... us versus them.

The plan for the day was to do some chores and head into the city to watch the game at our local although it didn't turn out like that. You ever have those days where you wake up just angry at the world? That was me on Saturday. For no apparent reason I just wanted to hurt something or [even better] someone. It was about then I decided that I would hang home and watch the game by myself... and thats I did.

The good thing about going solo for such things is that there's no one to interrupt, no one to make noise, no one to block the screen and you always get your favourite seat. Not that it mattered too much on the day though because if you're an Aussie you'll be [possibly painfully] aware that the Eagles were sadly defeated. I don't want to say I told you so here but if you hit the September archives you will see I did! No matter... there's always next year right?

The rest of the day was spent exercising the dog and attacking the weeds that have taken a hold outside. The odd thing about weeding [which I was dreading] is that I actually found it quite relaxing and a good way to clear my head plus the only distraction to speak of is spotting a new super-weed that needs my urgent, violent attention. I cranked up the radio, put on my gardening gloves, grabbed my de-weeder thingy and within a few hours managed to half fill a wheelie bin. Good shit.

Sunday was a better day. I woke up at 8am but stayed in bed for a couple of hours being lazy and watching TV - one must do these things occasionally. After that it was lunch with some friends at a restaurant I have been meaning to try for frickin ages then a cruise up and down the coast before heading home to get ready for evening ahead.

The evening ahead was of course drinks with the crew to celebrate the passing of another year for myself and a couple of mates with similar birth dates. Over all it was a good nite... I got drunk [but not spastically] and had a good time - what else can you ask for?

The next day was [thankfully] a public holiday... I think this one may even have been for the Queens birthday too! Allow me to explain that: every time there is a public holiday approaching everyone always seems to think it's for the Queens birthday. We have 4 of 5 pub hols a year... surely she doesn't celebrate it that often?

Once again a nice late alcohol induced sleep in was how I spent the morning but after that it was back to weeding. More, more, more weeds. Ever get so badly sunburnt your skin peels? It was like when you start picking at it... start at one edge and you just keeps going and going and going obsessively more and more. The only reason I actually stopped is due to the bin being full. Weather permitting I'll be back out there again this weekend so if anyone would like share this rewarding experience please let me know.

Before we get on with it... the little Easter egg competition I ran last week. There was a winner and I will email him tomorrow. There were a couple of runners-up so I will try and find something for you guys too. As for the correct answer - It was 28. By the way, thanks to all you assholes who guessed I was over 30!! Anyway let's get on with this update shall we...

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Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident". "OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!" His staff sit stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks... ''How many is a Brazillion ??!"

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There was a gentleman living in a small village who had a stomach disorder that required him to drink the milk of a nursing mother.

Well, there weren't too many women in the village nursing babies and even fewer who would agree to allow a grown man to suck on their breast. But low and behold, the poor man finally found a rather buxom young girl who had recently given birth and was willing to help him out--for a price.

The man was desperate because his condition was growing worse, so he agreed to pay the woman the amount of money she demanded. After all, the woman had a newborn baby to care for and the father had abandoned them to their fate. The first day was a bit awkward as the man showed up and, with a bit of anxiety and embarrassment, leaned over and began to suckle the woman's breast. Well, weeks went by and the awkwardness began to fade. One day, the woman realised that the man's suckling was beginning to arouse her sexually.

It became almost unbearable and finally, in a sensuous voice, she said, "Is there anything else you'd like?" The man paused in his suckling for a moment, looked up at her, and said, "Yeah, got any cookies?"

ORSM VIDEO I thought I had better post another Cassidy vid on account of you guy's seem to be going mental for her. What's so good about a hot blonde with huge boobs and a gorgeous smile anyway? If you all like this I'm sure you will let me know if you wanna see more of her in the future. Check it... - The Amazing Cassidy Returns -

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A man working in a pickle factory has a tremendous urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. He is so overwhelmed by this desire that sometimes he is just barely able to contain it. He becomes very worried and goes to see a psychiatrist.

The doctor mentions a similar case in which a man wanted to put his hand on a hot stove." "What happened? Asked the man. "The patient did put his hand on a hot stove," says the psychiatrist, "and he burned himself. But after that he never had the desire again. So my advice to you would be: if you have the urge to put your penis into the slicer, follow your impulse and try it." "All right," says the man, and he leaves.

At his next appointment, the doctor asks him if he followed his advice. "Yes, I did", says the man. "I stuck my penis into the pickle slicer." "And what happened?" asked the doctor. "Well," replies the man, "We both got fired."

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READER MAIL
Another week, another massive influx of email from you guys out there on the interweb. I'm sure that the Reader Mail section is slowly getting bigger and bigger each week too but I daren't complain about it because the day I wake up and find my inbox devoid of naked girlfriend pics, funny jokes, stupid videos or random other cool shit is the day I turn my computer off and walk away forever... so keep sending me your stuff!

^SaLaD FiNgErS^ wrote: Subject: Some distubing pic just for u Mr.Orsm...hope you like Hey Mr.Orsm. Love your site, been a frequent visitor for the past year now and would like to try to impress you with some thing of mine. Here are two pics which i took to my friend when we went to a small vacation in GOZO this summer.....Its the same guy in the photos in one pic he is showing his natural talent by balancing a broom on a certain part of his body, the other one is quite a sad pic (notice the strange smile on his face!).... it makes you think doesn't it!! :P i'll let you decide for ur self!

Swanx wrote: Subject: Orsm bridges Hello Orsm, Brilliant site you have mate.I was just looking at the latest update from th 22nd Septmeber, when i cam across the Amazing Bridges. There is a brilliant bridge just down the road from me linking Newcastle upon Tyne and Gateshead going over the Tyne bridge. It's known by a few names such as the Eye, and the Gateshead Millenium Bridge.

Jay wrote: Subject: Funny Picture of Cheney Hey Orsm, I'm a regular reader of your site, and a fellow Aussie. Thanks for your slog in putting your site together without fail every week. I noticed this on Google News, and I thought it's worth a screenshot. Hope you find this as funny as I did!

<with hold> wrote: Subject: perfect set Mr Orsm. I have been a fan of your site for years and have always wanted to send in some sexy pics of my girlfriend, but have always been threatened with death by scrotal blood loss. Then, after this last photo, she agreed to let one past the censors. Hope it brings a little joy to the readers. Keep up the great work on your site.

<with held> wrote: Subject: Easter eggs I couldn't find no easter eggs at all. heaps of hidden links to some good movies and shit... but no fricken' easter eggs. I want chocolate!!! Oh OK, here's a pic I found...... its a mates missus... old pics, and she don't look this good now, but anyways. If you put it up, no details, huh.

Pat wrote: Subject: Pic I found in the Chicks n Stuff galleries Found this pic in the galleries. I found it amusing. Cheers. Probably the most incredibly immature email I have ever received... keep up the good work. -Orsm

H wrote: Subject: London Hi Orsm, I have attached two pictures that I found whilst scouring the internet post-London bomb attacks. They show a Brit SAS trooper kitted up in London.

<with held> wrote: Subject: Topless in jeans Hello Mr Orsm!, Great site mate!, have been a fan for yonks. Here are some pics of my beautiful wife of three years, her last relationship was an absolute boring sexual experience, so i've helped spiced her life up a bit!(heh heh). there is nothin like a women in jeans!, yum. keep the good work coming mate, you're a legend!

DtM wrote: Subject: Hurrican Katrina Before and after shots of Shell mars Platform in gulf of mexico.

Greg wrote: Subject: hey Orsm this is my car Hey Orsm my name is Greg and I have been checking your site out for a few months now and all I can say is keep it coming, anyways this is my 1981 Pontiac Firebird Trans Am and I hear people talking about it and staring at it all the time, just wanted to share it with everyone, her is my website for more pictures and info about it.

Kristian Fox wrote: Subject: Want to take a senic drive? There was a really good documentary on the construction of it on Discovery or TLC a month or so ago. It's located in southern France, and is the highest bridge in the world. See [here] for details of location and construction. It is a truly amazing piece of engineering, especially considering the method used to span the distance between the piers. By the way, the red towers you see in the photo were removed following completion of the bridge.

Gentreau wrote: Subject: More amazing engineering Here's some pics of the newly built Millau viaduct in France, it carries the motorway across a valley at som 300m high. Us the pics if you want, but dont mention my details, ta. We've actually had this before but it's so damn impressive you guy's get it again. -Orsm

Craig wrote: Subject: Jammed nose wheel on plane The plane that recently landed with a jammed nosewhell.... Pics Amazing! -Orsm

Chuditch wrote: Subject: my pet cars Please find attached pictures of my pet cat approximately 2 months before we had her put down. The horrible festering, drippy, bleeding cave appearing on her nose is from some form of cancer. She is nearly 20 years old in these photos and the cancer had begun to rapidly errode her face. It was very depressing having to put her down because this was the only thing wrong with the old girl.

DtM wrote: Subject: Favour Hey Guys!!! Could I ask you a favour on behalf of an old friend? I've known him for ages and he's worked in the media industry for a number of years. He is interested in a job as a sales rep or some such job if you know of any going. I would greatly appreciate any advice you might be able to offer. Would you mind having a brief glance at his CV (I've attached it) just to see whether you think he might be suitable for anything you know of?

Craig wrote: Subject: Radio station interview. A compressed file of some dude singing on a talent contest on Adelaide radio. very well done. you should like.....

dee wrote: Subject: another lebron clip hey orsm, thought i'd follow up that previous lebron clip [him shooting from full court] with this awesume dunk. enjoy!

Adrian wrote: Subject: ......BOMB FOOTAGE...... Hey all_ Heres some actual underground CCTV footage from London bombings... Looking at the date stamped on the clip I am pretty sure this is the Madrid bombings. Scary stuff. -Orsm

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He was 80, she was 20. It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying: "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said "You are truly amazing. How do you do it?" Again he said "You've got to keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse then said: "Well, well, well, you certainly are quite a man!" He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The nurse then said "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black!"

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A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?" "Just a couple of minutes ago..."

ORSM VIDEO

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A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $1,000 bills!

Then, there's a knock at the door. . . He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one, "I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire, but why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me..."

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After 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood, the mailman was going to retire. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced!

When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast... eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All of this was just too wonderful for words", he said; "But what's the dollar for?"

"Well", she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said 'Screw him. Give him a dollar'... the breakfast was my idea!!"

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Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home. Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60- year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6:30." With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?" "I don't wake up until 7:00."

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I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" "NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!"

By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!"

I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE FUCKING DEAD!"

Well guys I think that's a wrap. I'm tired, hungry and can't think of anything I would rather do right now than get the hell away from the computer. As usual, with some luck, I've managed to keep you away from whatever else it is that you're supposed to be doing right now and if that's the case then mission accomplished. Anyway, all I ask in return is that you tell your friends and family and send them here to share the love!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ensure hands and feet remain within the vehicle at all times. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Welcome to Orsmnet. Answer me this... if it's my birthday - why are there so many Easter Eggs hidden around here? And I tell you... if you can work out how many eggs there are you'll have worked out how old I just turned, then all you've got to do is be the first one to email me and you will score yourself a 1 year membership to NewbieNudes.com! I'll try and dig up some prizes for the runners-up. Conditions: the eggs are only hidden on THIS page, one guess per person, no cheating & no-one who knows me in real life can win. Begin.

Wow what a huge week. Let me take you through it because I'm sure that's the one and only reason you guys are here... right? First up I have to touch on my favourite [taboo] subject - politics. To be honest this is probably the most interesting I have ever seen Australian politics be. Usually its one side saying 'we are going to do this' followed up by the fat, whining-prick of an opposition leader saying 'that is the wrong way to do it' or 'we had the idea ten years ago'. Not this week though... the ex-opposition [Labor] leader Mark Latham has gone on a mission to garner publicity for his upcoming book by telling the country how fucked the Labor party and its members are. If you want a good laugh click here [requires pdf] to see some of what Mr Latham had to say. Whether or not it's true I don't know but it gets full marks for entertainment value.

Last Friday was the dreaded trip to the doctors I had been avoiding. First problem - new doctor. The only GP I had ever actually liked retired a few years ago. She was an older Asian lady with a bedside manner that was somewhat lacking and she always tried to sell me whatever alternative treatment would net her a few extra bucks but she was competent and I trusted her.

Anyway I rocked up and began what I thought would be a minimum half an hour wait however much to my surprise it was more like four minutes. Amazing huh!? I didn't actually manage to catch his name [due the complexities of it] but oddly enough he was an older Indian guy that lacked a warm bedside manner and didn't mess around. I quite liked him.

My ear? I think the actual quote he used was "I don't think I've ever seen such a clean ear... no wax at all... but you definitely have an ear infection"... for which he prescribed ear drops and antibiotics so the point of my story here is: I can keep digging those ear cleaner thingies into my head because they DO work after all.

Next up came the weekend where we the only thing that mattered was the AFL [*cough* only real code of football *cough*] preliminary final. Two games played with the two winners heading to Melbourne this weekend for the grand final. Much to my delight my favourite team - the West Coast Eagles - won and are on track to win their first premiership for 11 years against the Sydney Swans this Saturday. Hopefully the Eagles walk away with it but if not I'm just happy it wasn't one of the Victorian teams!

The rest of the weekend was about as slack as they come. I pottered around the house, cleaned some stuff, watched some DVD's, washed the dog and walked her a couple of times... basically any excuse I could find to avoid doing the gardening. Believe me when I say this - the weeds are out of control around here to the point I am almost scared to go outside. Think 'Day of the Triffids' and you'll understand what I'm getting at...

Moving on... I don't know why I didn't get to it earlier in the month but September marks five years since Orsmnet began. As the long time readers amongst you will know it didn't resemble anything close to what you see today and we should all look skyward and thank the big guy because it was a frickin' abortion by comparison. Huge thankyou's as always to everyone who contributes and surfs by each week for a look. Hopefully the site will still be here in another five more years, bigger and better than ever!

Still with the birthdays... mine was yesterday. Woo-fucking-hoo... another fucking year older! I think my main accomplishment in the last twelve months has been to lose more hair than in any other year. Presents? I got a wall clock [not as gay as it sounds I swear] and a gift voucher. Yes... I certainly am unloved this year. If you would like to show me your love and appreciation my wish list can be found here! And to my asshole mates that forgot to call me - thankyou for saving me the cost of a call when your next birthday comes along...!!

The only downside of the day was that I spent most of it at a funeral [RIP Mrs. S] which put a damper on things but the rest of it wasn't too bad. I had a couple of happy birthday well-wishers swing by in the afternoon but it pretty quickly went back to sucking again, spent glued to the computer working on this damn update. Not to matter... I fully intend on making up for it this weekend watching the grand final on Saturday and then by hitting the town on Sunday nite. Anyway, on with the update...

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Jesus walked into a hotel, slammed a handful of nails on the counter and said, "Can you put me up for the night?"
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Disney is bringing out a new underwater adventure movie set in New Orleans... 'Finding Negro'.
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Walking into the bar, Darryl said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one. I just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah?" said Ben "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Darryl replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees." Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?" She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chicken shit!".

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I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic. "Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!

"Yeah," I said, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute! "Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"

So I hung up on the fat bitch.

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BARRY HALL FREE TO PLAY AFTER MURDEROUS RAMPAGE

Sydney forward Barry Hall is free to play in the AFL Grand Final this weekend despite having killed three people before last week's preliminary final against St Kilda. It has been discovered that Hall stopped off at a 7-11 last Friday night and ruthlessly gunned down three people who were holding him up in the queue by taking too long to pay for a packet of Mentos.

But the AFL Tribunal ruled last night that because Hall had been on his way to the game at the time of the incident, contact could be deemed to be 'in play'.

They further ruled that his conduct could not be considered 'deliberate', only merely 'reckless', insofar as it was reckless how he had pulled the gun from his pocket and fired off about 30 rounds.

Finally, they also ruled that because the bullets struck the victims mainly in the chest, contact was not head-high and should therefore be considered at the lower end of the scale of offences.

This still left Hall with a total of 1,674,265 points, or a total suspension of 12-15 years, with time off for good behaviour. But there was a 25% reduction for Hall's guilty plea, and a further 74.9% reduction because of the AFL's naked determination to give Sydney the best possible chance of winning the Premiership.

The end result is that Hall will not only lead the Swans onto the field this weekend, but has also been promised several unwarranted free kicks to be taken at a time of his choosing to compensate him for pain and suffering.

An AFL spokesman said they were happy that justice had prevailed. "Nobody wants to see a Sydney player, errrr, sorry, any player miss an AFL Grand Final," the spokesman said. "Unless, of course, it's a Collingwood player, in which case it's just funny.

"But we think in this case it's a good result for football. It's certainly a good result for Sydney, and therefore a good result for us. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go and help the Swans cheer squad with their banner."

The spokesman did concede, however, that the Hall decision had caused problems for the League. "Hell yeah, it meant we also had to let Gaspar off for his blatant elbow as a square-off. So don't think we haven't suffered."

ORSM VIDEO This is impressive. To some people this vid will just be some lady playing with sand but I've always admired people who have the creative ability to turn nothing into something and when it's done right in front of your eyes it's even more spectacular. Check it... - Sand Fantasy -

I'VE BEEN PLUGGING ALL SITE ACCESS FOR SO LONG NOW I THOUGHT IT WAS ABOUT TIME TO BUY A MEMBERSHIP AND CHECK IT OUT FOR MYSELF! WHY THE HELL DID I WAIT SO LONG? THIS IS AWESOME! CLICK HERE & CHECK IT OUT!

Three men were working on a high-rise building project in Melbourne- Steve, Bruce and Bluey. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a carton of Fosters. Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?". "Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?". "Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'. She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.' And I said, 'I'll bet you a carton of Fosters you are'..."

HOT MAMMA Alixa - Alixa - Alixa - Alixa - Alixa - Alixa - Alixa - Alixa - Alixa Alixa - Alixa - Alixa - Alixa - Alixa - Alixa - Alixa

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

READER MAIL
The competition for Reader Mail was fierce this week. There was so much feed back on so many subjects from so many people that I was forced to bring in a professional consulting company to perform a full audit of all my email and run market analysis surveys to help me figure out what to include... true story I swear. Anyway if you'd like to contribute something for reader mail, send me some cool pics you snapped, an absolutely hilarious joke, a video of someone hurting themselves or absolutely anything at all then all you may do so right here.

Lee wrote: Subject: You may want to use this for the next update This crocodile was found in New Orleans swimming down the street. 21 FT long, 4,500 lbs, around 80 years old minimum. Specialists said that he was looking to eat humans because he was too old to catch animals. This crocodile was killed by the army last Sunday at 3:00 pm, currently he is in the freezer at the Azur hotel. The contents of it's stomach will be analyzed this Friday at 2:30pm.

Jansen van Vuuren wrote: Subject: ( Thursday morning 08 Sept. 05 ( 07 h 00.) Good day, this bloke actually survived this accident. Car over Harrison bridge JHB CBD. It is about a 20 foot drop

JB wrote: Subject: Crazy chick i know Hey, been visiting your site for a few years now, just wanted to contribute and send in a picture of this crazy chick I know... She used to work with me a few years ago. Anyway, she got drunk one night and let me and my friend take pictures of her... She's pretty hot, i have some more pics if your interested. Please do not post any of my info online. Not really sure where you would post it if you put it on your site, I think it would be a good random shite pic...

Dutchman wrote: Subject: Bryan Habangalot With the resent Tri Nations rugby my friend was so impress with Bryan Habana's performance that he wanted to shag the poor guy. Now the good friend I am I tried my best to organize it but all I could manage was Bryan Habangalot. 11inches of black pleasure!

Shawn wrote: Subject: Whyte Ave in Edmonton This pic was taken a few years ago during my university days in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. This was on Whyte Avenue, a party strip for students at the U of A. I had just purchased the 151 proof rum at the liquorstore on the left. Not sure if this was before or after getting kicked out of the bar.

Todd in Texas wrote: Subject: pic of my girlfriend's rack Hey ORSM!!! I've been a ling-time fan. You're site is the absoulte best. After years of reading your updates and seeing pics of other guys' girlfriends, I thought it was time to share my own, hope you enjoy.

keith wrote: Subject: site top site. seen this sign in a toilet at a servo on the freeway in sydney thought it was a funny sign for a dunny.

Herbie wrote: Subject: 275 Hello to all ORSM friends. In the last time you show some picture with speedometers. I think it's time to raise the speed. Look at the rev counter. There goes some more. The highest speed was exactly 300 KM/h. But sorry, no picture.

Adrian wrote: Subject: 230 kph Porsche 944 turbo se heading south on the M5 in England early one morning. The Porsche dealer told me that folding in the wing mirrors and not having a full tank of gas would have given me a few more mph.. now how did he know that?

Squiffy MacWithers wrote: Subject: "Fast" cars. Dear Mr. Orsm, I have always been of the belief that Americans can't build fast cars, and now it seems, neither can the Australians. You build all these big 3 and 4 litre V6's and V8's (I believe that's what a BA Falcon is), and people think it's fast when they reach the dizzying heights of 180km/h. As you can see from the picture I sent, my 1.05 litre, 4-cylinder, 45hp VW Polo (yes it's so basic it doesn't even have a rev counter) could quite easily reach 180km/h. I would send in a pic of the needle up there, but as I've had my licence less than 2 years, if I get caught speeding, it's bye bye licence. So please stop sending in pictures of your "fast" cars until they are doing at LEAST 150mph (whatever that is in kilometers). That would be impressive; seeing something that could actually outrun my weedy little car. 1. Just because you speedo goes to 180km/hr, it doesn't mean your car will. 2. We don't have autobahn's here and the highest speed limit on highways is 110km/hr. -Orsm

Michael Mike wrote: Subject: speed Hello Mr. Orsm, first of all great side, thanks for this! Basically I keep on seeing these speedometers ... this is daily business here. Take a look, this is taken at the autobahn. Keep up the great work.

Ken Hall wrote: Subject: SS comodore at speed Hey mate, Thought you might like this, This is from my mates SS comodore with four of us on board out the back of singleton NSW. Speed verified by GPS. We only slowed down because we ran out of road. This was then celebrated with some nice circle work. Keep up the good work on the site.

Damon wrote: Subject: Self-Explanatory Thought you might like this pic from Fraser Island, which has currently gone the rounds here in SE Qld. Keep up the good work. Cheers How the hell did someone manage that? -Orsm

Kev wrote: Subject: katrina The company my wife works for had an office in south western Louisiana. When the people that worked at that office went back to see what was left, they took some pictures, put it into a power point presentation and send it out to everyone that works for the company. So now I am sending it to you - enjoy.

<with held> wrote: Subject: Video of Speed Limiter, about 235KM/H Hey Mate, Good site. Very good site. People seem to be sharing their speed limiter experiences. Attached is a video of me and a mate coming back from Collie which is in the south west of WA (as you'd know). It's my 1989 N13 Pulsar (now sold) with a CA18DET (turbo motor out of a Silvia). It went quite well. Speed limiter was set to 225km/h on the delco kalmaker computer. Also had 17" wheels, which meant the car was travelling 4.6% faster than what it thought it was. The speedo dail wasn't 100% accurate, but the sensor is. You see the car hit the rev limiter (in the vid it all just stops happening). So 225km/h + 4.6% = ~235km/h. Not bad for an old Pulsar!

Jay wrote: Subject: Is this real? I don't know if this is real. I just found this on another site. An Australian TV campaign targeting people who take bets on eating expired food. They claim the dude died 4 hours after this video was shot. Does anybody know if that's for real?!

GIRLS ON WEBCAM ABSOLUTELY FREE!

Billy was at school this morning in the outback and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true. "No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for Australia but I was just too embarrassed to say."

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A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My son, you shouldn't be doing that," said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married." The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said, "Yes, Father."

About 10 years later, the priest was in his study when a young man in his early twenties came in. "Yes, my son?" said the priest. "Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then." "And what was that, my son?"

"Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married," said the young man. "That sounds like something I probably would have said," said the priest. "Did you take my advice?" "Yes I did, Father, but there's only one problem." "What's that, my son?"

"Well, I have a 55-gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married, what am I supposed to do with it?"

ORSM VIDEO

Gorgeous George

Celine [Idiot]

Napoleon Dynamite

The Prez Speaks

THE CAMERA'S OUT, THE CLOTHES ARE OFF & THE PARTY'S ON - CHECK THIS OUT!

Picture a beautiful California Morning on the beach, the sun has just risen over the ocean, the sand pure white, the ocean a beautiful shimmering blue with the morning sun shining over it.

A stunning young blonde girl is jogging along the beach in very brief Puma shorts and a crop top that barely covers her voluptuous breasts. A mile or so down the beach jogging in the opposite direction is a young (mid twenties) fit looking young guy. He's wearing just jogging shorts. As he is jogging, in the distance his eye catches a glimpse of something on the sand.

As he jogs further he sees it's yellow. He gets closer and closer and discovers it's a tennis ball. He stops, picks it up and discovers that it is a new tennis ball. He thinks, hey a wind fall. He doesn't want to carry it and having no pockets he just stuffs it down his shorts and continues jogging.

A short while later as the girl jogging in the opposite directions draws closer, from a distance she can see the bulge in his shorts. She gets to within twenty feet and stops dead in her tracks and stares at his crotch fascinated. When the guy is just in front of her he sees she is staring at his crotch so he stops. She points at the bulge in his crotch and exclaims, "What's That!" He says, "It's A Tennis Ball" She replies... "Geez, I bet that's painful, I had tennis elbow once and that really hurt like hell!"

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW IS THAT GIRLS LOVE FUCKING GIRLS!

RANDOM SHITE I don't quite know how to prepare you guy's for this week's RS. All I can tell you is that over the years I have seen the internet a dozen times over but there are definitely a few things in this bunch that will remain with me for many, many years to come. Check it... RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

Pete met Suzanne in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Suzanne invited Pete to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other. After a short while, Suzanne began tenderly stroking Pete's manhood.

Surprised but appreciative, Pete comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more? Suzanne replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine... "

DADDYS DIRTY LITTLE GURL Eve - Eve - Eve - Eve - Eve - Eve - Eve - Eve - Eve - Eve Eve - Eve - Eve - Eve - Eve - Eve

An Amish boy and his father were in the new shopping mall for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that could open and move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't quite know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an ugly, fat, old lady moved up to the wall and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady strolled in between them into a very small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the door light up.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and began to light up in reverse order. Finally the walls opened up and a gorgeous 24 year old blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young blonde, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

THERE IS A GOD & HER NAME IS... Ariana - Ariana - Ariana - Ariana - Ariana - Ariana - Ariana - Ariana - Ariana - Ariana Ariana - Ariana - Ariana - Ariana - Ariana - Ariana

A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.

A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.

A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on.

Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?"

"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex... but a talking frog is pretty cool."

Well boys, girls and small children I think that about does me for this week. I am completely and utterly buggered and looking forward to my bed and the long weekend that is going to follow it. Once again I'll take the opportunity to remind you to go swing past my damn wish list and pick me up something for my birthday which you all seem to have forgotten. Bastards...

Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and come on the Eagles!!! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Welcome to Orsmnet. Pop.

It's been a pretty crappy week around here with lots going on my in little world and with those that share it but out of respect for them and everything else I have decided to bore you by talking about my poor little ear...

I've been thinking back to the last time I had any sort of problem with my ears and all I can come up with is somewhere between the age of 8 and 14. It was summer holidays and I caught some sort of ear infection [probably from spending ever day in the pool] which caused an extreme amount of pain. I distinctly remember mum driving me to the doctors and me screaming at her to hurry because it hurt so much. To this day I still don't think I have experienced pain comparable to that but it was a long time ago, a lot of shit has happened since then and who the fuck really knows right?

At some point last week my left ear started playing up - popping but it was happening continuously. Pop pop pop pop pop. No pain thankfully but it was more irritating then that Schnappi Crocodil song. I didn't worry too much about it because it only happened a few times and for short periods and oh yeah I don't like [read: trust] doctors either so I decided to sit it out and hope what ever is going on would magically repair itself. Wishful thinking.

Jump forward a few days to this week and it started increasing not only in annoyance factor but also in duration. So off I go to the chemist and they sell me some ear candles [completely useless] and ear drops [even more completely useless] to clear what the chemist chick reckoned was a build up of wax inside my head.

Now I don't know about you guys but I'm pedantic about cleaning my ears with those little stick thingies every single day and I explained this to her but smart alec know it all that she was told me how that is the worst thing you can do as it pushes the wax deeper down. Makes sense I guess.

Anyway as this week has progressed and its gotten worse and worse and pop pop pop and worse and pop pop pop... Anyone that I've mentioned it to has taken much delight in telling me that I need to go to the doctors so they can 'syringe it'. Greeeeat... two of my least favourite things. Okay so it's probably mostly psychological - the needle won't be three foot long, it won't be rusty, it wont require a hammer-like device to access my ear canal and it wont be administered by some guy called Dr Death... but you never know.

As I write this it is driving me absolutely fucking pop pop crazy and there is absolutely pop pop nothing I can do to stop the pop pop pop pop pop. Funnily enough I had an appointment booked for this morning but circumstances conspired against me and I had to cancel it. If I was smart I would have made it for later in the day but nooooo [I'm not smart]. I get the feeling I am in for a very long and sleepless nite and it's all because I wanted clean ears.

Before I get on with the update I just wanted to plug this for all the Perth people reading... Perth Street Bikes has organised a cruise this weekend to raise funds for people with spinal injury. If you're up for a cruise and would like to show some support click here for more info!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Ever thought about joining one of those adult personal sites? You sure can meet some kinky women on them. But if you want to know the secrets of succeeding on these contact websites, you gotta check out this guy's amazing report. Implement his sure-fire tactics, and you will be shagging dirty bitches in your area tomorrow. Save yourself the time and money by simply following the advice of a guy who has already done the hard work for you. Go get those women now!

Tired of being the pervert standing by the escalator at the mall? Upskirt Mania shamelessly shows you the hidden pussy you crave. Violators won't be prosecuted but they may be condemned to a whole lot of pleasure up skirt not upstate.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Sorry Dude! - Flying Car - Weak As Piss - Naked Boxers - Swimsuit Babes - Tasty Tara - Grenade Exectution

Goddess Aria - Swimming Roo - Take The Plunge - Thats What You Get - Great Asses - Ass Whoopin

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A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name. "My name is Carmen," she told him. "That's beautiful," he said. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men. What's your name?" she asked. "Beerfuck," he replied.
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Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk... Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon.
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Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk... Specificity; British Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder; Transubstantiate.
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Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk... "Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you". "Nope, no more booze for me". "Sorry, but you're not really my type". "No kebab for me, thank you". "Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?". "I'm not interested in fighting you". "Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing" "Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool". "Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street". "I must be going home now as I have work in the morning".

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A blood lab technician calls to give information to Mr. Smith about his recent blood test, but Mrs. Smith answers the phone.

The lab technician says, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your husband to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it's either bad news or terrible news!"

"What do you mean?" said Mrs. Smith. "Well, one Mr. Smith tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's test is."

"That's terrible!" said Mrs. Smith. "Can we do the test over?" "Normally, yes. But you have Blue Cross Health Care, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"What am I supposed to do now?" said Mrs. Smith. "Blue Cross Health Care recommends that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

ORSM VIDEO Okay so the movie is a few years old now but I still hold this once scene from Cruel Intentions II as being one of the greatest of all time. It has all the key ingredients that combine together ensuring a satisfied viewer... those of course being: hot naked twin sisters with big boobs in the shower. A truly awesome spectacle. Check it... - The Twins Shower Scene -

I'VE BEEN PLUGGING ALL SITE ACCESS FOR SO LONG NOW I THOUGHT IT WAS ABOUT TIME TO BUY A MEMBERSHIP AND CHECK IT OUT FOR MYSELF! WHY THE HELL DID I WAIT SO LONG? THIS IS AWESOME! CLICK HERE & CHECK IT OUT!

A teacher gave her class an assignment: They were to have their parents tell them a story with a moral. The next day the kids came to class, and one by one, told their stories:

Little Kathy raised her hand first and said, "We live on a farm and have hens that lay eggs for market. Once we were taking a basket of eggs to market on the front seat of the pickup truck and we hit a big bump in the road. The eggs went flying and broke all over everything."

"And what is the moral to that story?" "Don't put all your eggs in one basket." "Very good," said the teacher.

Then little Tammy raised her hand and said, "We live on a farm, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs once, but when they hatched, we got only ten live chicks. And the moral to that story is, don't count your chickens before they are hatched."

"That was a fine example, Tammy. Johnny, I believe you had your hand up next."

"Yes Ma'am. My daddy told me that my Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete before the blade broke off. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens!" said the horrified teacher. "What did your daddy tell you was the moral to that terrible story?" "Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

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READER MAIL
So much email this week... unfortunately for me most of you guys picked up on something that I didn't - hairy legs. My excuse is that I was extremely tired and didn't look too closely at the pic. More on that below.

Aside from hairyness there has been plenty [and I mean plenty] of other cool shit filling my inbox and I would like to thank everyone who has taken the time to email me... you guys rock! For all the rest of you, I am still waiting. If you'd like to have your say, send me naked pictures of your girlfriend, your car, a joke or whatever then all you gotta do is click here.

bob barker wrote: Subject: orsm, comment Heya ORSM. love your site, but was scared by a pic you posted in your last update... it's an emailed one titled "anal" and guy goes on about how it was a photo of his "girlfriend". Did u look at it? Does that picture look like a girl to you? I have my doubts, and am a firm believer that when one takes an anal photo, that a pussyshot must be included to confirm that it really is a female being fucked. If the photographer was indeed really doing anal with a female, perhaps he can re-send with a pussy shot. til then, here ya go.

Axel wrote: Subject: Great Escape - Answer to the questions Hi Orsm, It's been a few years now that I read your site every friday morning. I can't start at work on friday without orsm.net first. You rock man. I like to give an aswer on this... The 'Great escape vid" is taken from this movie: B13 - Banlieue 13 - Produced by Luc Besson. The guy who escapes is David Belle. Hi started doing this stuff years ago in his neiberhood along with the guys from Yamakasi. Another french movie about that urban "running-jumping"-thing... ;-) To give you guys a good picture of the man, here is a little movie about him. It's done by the french channel TF1.

<with held> wrote: Subject: Boogerman Mr. ORSM, Here is a picture of a guy I used to work with...... Please do not post my e-mail address.

[MAD]Goose_69 wrote: Subject: Crazy Japanese Tourists I took these pictures at the Columbia Icefields on the Athabasca glacier (Alberta, Canada) at around 7000 feet. Not sure what is going on but that is a rather large video camera to be lugging around out there.

Prape McPrape wrote: Subject: Retouching of Bec Cartwright pic I was going through some of the RS archives, and came across a picture of a supposed Bec Cartwright on the toilet. I brightened it up a bit, and unless my eyes deceive me..

CHAOS wrote: Subject: cool pic Hi Mr. Orsm. Here's a cool pic of my gf ....a liitle bit of photoshop (inner shadow and smart blur ) hope you like it. Size : 36C Good boobs - shitty pic. More please! -Orsm

justin wrote: Subject: Pic a pic of my ex GF's breast took me all day to gether to let me take it A fine example. Thank you and your ex. -Orsm

James Hilton wrote: Subject: Hey Mr. I've been coming to your site every week for the last couple years and it's my second favourite website in the whole wide world, besides google. :) This is the first time I've emailed you and it's for a complaint about something I hate seeing. Plagiarism! In the latest Random Shite you have a picture that some dipfuckingshit has decided to make, based on the original. ITS NOT EVEN FUNNY NOW YOU DENSE FUCKING SHIT HEAD! Here's the original. I think I got it from orsm.net over a year ago. If that's the case, why do you put this new lame shit up? I've noticed you occasionally make an update with the same set of photos from the previous one.. Great site. Love the funny movies. :) This happens because of the tens of thousands of pics that come my way every year it is impossible to remember what I have seen, what I have seen 100 times, what I haven't seen and what is on the site. -Orsm

AJ wrote: Subject: Site Submission Hi Orsm. Thnxz for a highly entertaining site. Attached a sign from an office block that I frequent, when visiting clients. Hopefully entertaning enuff to make it onto ur site. Cheerz Maybe I am dum but I don't get it... -Orsm

<wth held> wrote: Subject: LOOTING in new orleans Been a fan of the site for a while look forward to the weekly updates, i seen this picture of the looting that took place in a wal mart in lousiana after Hurricana Katrina thought you might enjoy, i please withhold my info from the site

mag oo wrote: Subject: speedo Hey Orsm. It's pretty hard to hold a camera and drive at 180+. No cool story for these pics. Just had my camera and wanted to see what the car could do - 89 Silvia. The speed limiter kicked in just after the second pic.

Scott Castledine wrote: Subject: I bet the editor is glad he missed this one Quality Tasmanian journalism... I added the identifying masthead and the arrow - the rest is "as scanned".

dave wrote: Subject: having a smoke Just thought you might have a laugh at this hope you put it on your site have been a fan for years keep up the good work ps please don't put on my email addressee thanks

Nathan Rooney wrote: Subject: more burnout vids Hey orsm, got another burnout vid for ya, was at a burnout comp/show and shine last easter, i didn't win, but i was the only car to drive 300k's and stilll enter the comp! but i do burnouts for me, not for anyone else!

dfhgdf hffdhfd wrote: Subject: big boobed drummer I dont know if you have seen this but its a video of the drummer from a band called 100 Percent. Quite good to watch. I was going to add audio to the clip until it occurred to me why it was removed in the first place... -Orsm

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Fred and Mary had got married but couldn't afford a hotel, so they had gone back to his mum and dads for the night. In the morning, Fred's brother, little Johnny, got up and had his breakfast.

As he went out of the door to go to school, he asked his mum if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replied, "No". Johnny asked, "Do you know what I think?" His mum replied, "Never mind what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny later came home for lunch and asked his mum, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" "No," his mother had replied. Johnny had again said, "Do you know what I think?" Again, his mum had replied, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, he came home and asked, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" No," his mother had tersely replied. Johnny said, "Do you know what I think?" His mum again replied, "OK! What do you think?" He said, "Well, last night Fred came in for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue!"

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The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls". I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. shit.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

ORSM VIDEO

Levitation

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Pussy Massage

Automated Response

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Paddy applies for a job, but the foreman won't employ him until he passes a little maths test. "Here's your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Irishman says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks. "Haven't you got a brain? Tree and tree and tree makes nine," says the Irishman. "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Apply the same rules using the number 99, this time."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dere you go." The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat equals 99."

The boss starts getting worried that he's actually going to have to give the Irishman the job, so he says, "All right, final question: same rules again, but represent the number 100." The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Dere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the illustration and bursts out: "You must be stupid if you think that represents a hundred!" Whereby the Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, saying: "A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So now you've got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat makes one hundred... So, when do I be starting the job?!"

THE CAMERA'S OUT, THE CLOTHES ARE OFF & THE PARTY'S ON - CHECK THIS OUT!

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Two Arab mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now" "Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now though" mum confides. "Oh so sad dear" says the other.

"And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21" "Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born". "He's a martyr too" says mum quietly. "Oh gracious me..." says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18", she whispers. "Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school". "He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says... "They blow up so fast, don't they?"

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President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar. A fellow walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?" The bartender says, "Yep, that's them." So the fellow walks over and says, "This is a real honor! What are you doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III." And the fellow says, "Really? What's going to happen?" Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims.....and one blonde with big tits."

The fellow exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?" Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you no one CARES about the 140 million Muslims".

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Once there was an Indian his given name was "Onestone," so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone! After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night but, Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

And what is the moral of this story? "You can't kill two birds with one stone."

On that note - I'm outta here. I highly recommend tuning back in next week... Orsmnet celebrates 5 long years in service and my birthday is around then too. Anyway I'm planning a huuuge update to mark the occasion so if you don't come back life will most likely suck from then on.

Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and give up the cig's [trust me you'll feel better]! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Welcome to Orsmnet. May the Ors' be with you.

I'm happy to report there hasn't been too much happening around these parts. The weather remains completely screwed which has limited pretty much all activities to indoors only and I'm starting to go a little bit out of my mind with it too. Forget the fact the over grown trees outside my room bang against the air conditioner with each gust of wind and wake me up every few minutes... forget the fact the dog hates me for not taking her out for a walk because of the cold and rain - its all about Spring and sunshine and warmth why the hell they aint here yet...

The past weekend was nice and relaxed. Friday nite was spent watching the West Coast Eagles scrape home against Sydney and not much else. For anyone else who is following the AFL I'd like to go on the record by saying as much as I'd like to see the Eagles take out the premiership this year I don't think they will do it. /end of my 2 cents

Saturday nite we went ten pin bowling. If there's one thing I can say about bowling it's that I completely suck and I always lose... which was two things but you get the idea. I actually had more fun seeing how far I could hurl the ball before it made contact with the lane. Believe it or not this made all the difference and my accuracy improved. The only concern with what I will call 'range heroics' is that you are more likely to miss-target and end up bouncing into another lane...

Most of Saturday was focused around de-junking [oh dear God when will it ever end?!]. I'd been forced to go back home and rid the cupboards in my childhood bedroom of the stuff I was storing there... a whole three [3] boxes! Why it couldn't stay there I have no idea but I did take the opportunity to express this on several occasions.

After the team of removalists I contracted for the job had finished loading all three [3] boxes into my car I brought them back here and commenced sorting through. I think its safe to say there was a lot of useless shit in there that I didn't need - what the hell was I going to do with phone bills from ten years ago anyway? There were also a few piles of magazines I couldn't bring myself to part with - Garfield, MAD, Street Machine plus a dozen Ralph mag's. I spent my childhood reading them over and over and it wouldn't feel right to turf them out.

Then there were my old high school notes. I distinctly remember all through school as the end of each year approached someone [read: me] would make a comment about how they couldn't wait to burn their notes once school was over. This was always done within earshot of the teacher for that particular subject so they'd know just how much we [read: I] disliked their class. The retort was always something to do with regretting it and the possibility of the notes coming in handy one day... advice I foolishly yielded.

So here I am 11 years after finishing high school and I haven't used them once. I didn't even know I still had them for that matter. Okay so we didn't have Google back then but what the fuck was I going to use semester 1, term 2 Geography notes for anyway? Geography notes, meet the bin. Bin, meet my Geography notes. I'm sure you two will be very happy together!

Unfortunately I still have a few folders of stuff to go through - more old phone bills, more old bank statements and more school stuff. To be honest I think the only good to come from keeping them is that flicking through them I remembered things long forgotten. Teachers I had, classes I took and how easy you have it in school compared to when you're all grown up... maybe there is some point keeping them...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Tasty teens, webcam wonders, nightclub escapades and all of it caught on camera at Teenrave.org. I had my doubts when I was told about Teen Rave thinking it would be just another zero content website but oh how wrong I was. Do yourself a big favour and check out TeenRave.org. It's Orsm approved!

Like gangbangs but not so glad to see the lads' gonads? Go to Girly Gang Bang for group sex starring all-girl troupes with non-stop no boys allowed action. It's all strap-on dildos and nibble digitsworking each chick into a feverish pitch of multiple lesbogasms in front of her girlfriends.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

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Mum walked into the bathroom one day & found young Johnny furiously scrubbing his penis with a toothbrush and toothpaste. "What the hell do you think you're doing, young man!" she exclaimed. "Don't try to stop me!" Johnny warned. "I'm gonna do this three times a day, because there's no way I'm gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my sister's."
--
"How come you're late?" asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress walked into the bar. "It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm Street and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course. "What did you do?" asked the bartender. "I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
--
Things that are *ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE* to say when you're drunk... Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you; Nope, no more booze for me; Sorry, but you're not really my type; No kebab for me, thank you; Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?; I'm not interested in fighting you; Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing; Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool; Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street; I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

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It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

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A police officer was following a car that was swerving all over the road. The office pulled it over and asked the driver, a guy, to submit to a Random Breath Test; he asked him to blow in the bag. The guys says he can't and pulls out a card saying he's an asthmatic. The police officer says that he'll have to accompany the officer to the station for a blood sample, to which the he says he can't and pulls out a card saying he's a haemopheliac and can't give blood. The officer, frustrated at this says that it will have to be a urine sample. Again the guys says he can't and pulls out an AFL Umpires card signed by Andrew Demetriou and Jeff Gieschen indicating he is an AFL Umpire and no-one can take the piss...

Later the constable reports back to his Seargant and explains the situation and how they had pulled over this guy driving all over the road, but had had to let him go. The Seargant goes berserk... "An AFL Umpire??!?!? He wasn't driving drunk, he's fucking BLIND!"

ORSM VIDEO The first time I ever heard of Ipecac was a while back on the Family Guy. I was left wondering what the hell this stuff was exactly and if it really did induce uncontrollable, non-voluntary vomiting... then this little video came along. I swear I never would have believed it unless I saw it with my own two eyes. The guy is a sick fuck but the vid is amazing. Check it out... - The Ipecac Challenge -

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Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly.

"Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board - he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.

Climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?" "Bejasus, I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

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READER MAIL
There's been plenty of cool shit flooding my inbox this week which has done an excellent job of distracting me from whatever else I was supposed to be doing - please keep it up! If you'd like to be one of the 'cool people' and send me some pics of your car, a funny joke, a video of you antagonising someone or naked pics of your best friends mum then you may do so here.

<with held> wrote: Subject: crack lips Mr. Orsm, Great site. I've been holding on to these pics for a while now and think it's time to share them. This is a crack head who got into a fight with another crack head over a bicycle. You might be wondering what could possibly cause such damage to a man's lip. Well, it so happens that, while locked in mortal combat, this man got a little too close to the other. His lip was BITTEN OFF. Gonna be difficult to suck on that pipe now I guess.

JB wrote: Subject: speed limiter Hi orsm. here's a pic of me and a mate in his new BA falcon company car on our way back from batesman bay at about 1 am hehehe. we got from the servo at the summernats to hazelbrook in the bluemountains in under 2 and a half hrs :-) thanks for reading orsm cya

<with held> wrote: Subject: anal hi, thought id send this in as a surprise for me girlfriend. she reads this website too so thought id send in a pic she'll recognise. this is me giving her anal a few months back. didn't want to send a face pic because she'd castrate me for that but this should be an interesting surprise. thanks

Marty Mcfly wrote: Subject: link to new orleans media racism Orsmmmm!! hows it goin mate! Ive got a pretty interesting link here that shows the media portraying racism in the new orleans disaster. PS. need more asian porn!!! There's a few of these getting around. Several more here. -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: 98 Degree Tattoo Ever wonder why most boy bands get back together after so many years apart? Well it seems that 98 degrees isn't going to be on that "band wagon" if you will. Check out Nick Lachey's upper right arm. There used to be a 98 degree tattoo there, now it's something comletely different. Must be a sign of the times, or a sign that they really did suck that bad!

Franco wrote: Subject: a tourist in Paris.. Yo Mr Orsm, Sup man, long time visitor 3yrs + .. 2nd time i contribute [probably coz am lazy] :-D .. anyways, we went from UK to Paris for the last Bank Holiday Weekend [27-29/08/05], we had lot of Auzies and kiwi's on the coach and we all get'n pissed from morning till next morning and having a laugh all day [in 3 nights we had about 8hrs sleep]... on the sunday we visited this stunning church and while we were comming out i spotted this stunning chick/ass/g-string on the stairs and without thinking i took a picture and my mate took 1 too and then she got up and left with her boyfrind or woteva.. anyways, NjoY the VieW & keep up the nice work champ.

eweotter wrote: Subject: will work for..... You see them everywhere, people that will "WORK FOR" this or that..... i thought i might get a step ahead of them this time..... I'll invite you over next time I'm having cabbage... there'll be be free gas for all! -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: Wine holder Yo dude, Fucking ace site........... keep up the good work......... oh yeah, attached is my wife with wine holder(s) Please don't publish my email address

Craig wrote: Subject: Interesting Australian ISP logo Heya, Stumbled accross this logo for Westnet the other day, it reminds me of the now defunct goatse.cx website image. Figured it might be good for a laugh. Cheers! Keep up the good work. I overlayed the Westnet logo on the Goatse pic. Westnet.cx perhaps...? -Orsm

GILBERT wrote: Subject: First F/A-22 Delivering to Langley AFB Once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return. They just look so god damn cool. -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: Minnesota Black Bear vs. Bird Feeder Hard to believe us Minnesotans put our birdfeeders on cables streached between two trees to keep the squirrels and raccoons out. Well, I guess this isn't neither of those =) Rats! Back to the drawing board. Maybe a birdfeeder hung from a helicopter... yeah, that's the ticket!

Kevin wrote: Subject: Look where the money really goes! Attached is another reason why we are almost paying £1 or over 1 EURO per litre for Fuel. Certainly need something to focus our minds! This is actually an urban legend. Only reason I am posting it is because the pics are cool! -Orsm

Scott wrote: Subject: Couple of Things.... So I was pokin thru your site and I saw some cool shit! The 500 ft stoppie tho... Matt Gorka holds the record I believe. I have a video of a 900+ foot stoppie. It's insane. Oh and that roller coaster, was that Six Flags in Denver? That superman ride feels so unsafe. You're not locked in very securely, and you get jostled about and I felt like I was gonna fall out. The other rides are fun because you feel secure. You can't have fun when you feel like holding on for dear life!

Stu wrote: Subject: Reverse piercing Hey Orsm. I thought I would give something new a try, and test out my pain threshold. It's surprisingly lower than I had first thought. I think the attached pdf will show why. If it's worthy of your site, go ahead and post it. ps: In case you were wondering... It turns out that it's not possible to do home liposuction by attaching a vacuum cleaner to a bleeding nipple. Ya learn new things every day!

VoRn wrote: Subject: Another vid Hey Sir Orsm. Got another vid, this one is from when we were on leavers and we fart bombed the girl's room every night for 5 days. They all left the house a few days after this. Anyway, this was me filming the aftermath of the bombings, enjoy! Love and Pandas. Talk about angry... -Orsm

Alex wrote: Subject: We better win this next test match.... Bloody Poms If there is any reason (other than the obvious) why Australia should win this next test match.......... then this is it. Bloody Poms Couldn't agree more! -Orsm

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A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of the countries.

Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French Admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.

He then asked: "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."

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A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on the London Underground next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked," Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised." I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".

ORSM VIDEO

Bitch Bash

Road Rage Issues

Ball Skillz

Skater Stacks

THE CAMERA'S OUT, THE CLOTHES ARE OFF & THE PART'S ON - CHECK THIS OUT!

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

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A little boy from Adelaide had gone to Rome on holiday with his family hoping to see the Pope. Anyway, a couple of days after they'd arrived the Pope was doing a tour of the city in his Pope mobile. The little lad was a bit worried that the Pope wouldn't be able to pick him out in the crowd, so his Mum said "Don't worry, the Pope is a footy fan, so wear your Crows jumper and he's bound to pick you out and talk to you."

So, they're in the crowd, but the Pope mobile drives past them, and stops a bit further down the street where John Paul gets out and speaks to a little boy in a Port Power jumper. The lad is distraught and starts crying. His Mum says "Don't worry, the Pope's driving around tomorrow as well, so we'll get you a Port jumper and then he's bound to see you."

The next day arrives, and the boy's got on his new Port jumper. The Pope mobile stops right by him, John Paul gets out, bends down and says to the lad "I thought I told you to fuck off yesterday!"

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A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Cool Pics - Cool Pics - Cool Pics - Cool Pics - Cool Pics - Cool Pics - Cool Pics - Cool Pics Cool Pics - Cool Pics - Cool Pics - Cool Pics - Cool Pics - Cool Pics - Cool Pics - Cool Pics

The woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful." His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"

ORSM VIDEO I'm pretty sure that I'm not the only one who loves videos of tasty young lesbian girls and I'd be wasting everyone's time if I didn't finish off an update with the aforementioned. This week I will arouse you with Melissa, Alissa doing some sensual de-virginising of luscious Carolina. This rocks. Make sure you check here for more too! - Girls Hutning Girls: Carolina -

Well girls and boys I'm all said and done for another. This was the most enthused I've been doing an up for a long time. Why can't they all be like this? Anyway, on that note I'm outta here. Make sure you are back here next week and make sure you bring all your friends or I will break your fingers!

Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and be good to your mother. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Welcome to Orsmnet - where quitting is for quitters.

So how the hell are you guys? Despite some gay guy in an XR8 trying to pick me up at the service station, my week, as usual, has been pretty damn uneventful. No one has succeeded in annoying me and it's still too fucking cold.

And then there was the weekend which was a whole lot of fun and we did hit the town for a blinder. We started early at some Vietnamese restaurant in the city for dinner. Two of my friends were doing a joint birthday thing so instead of a nice quiet dinner there were twenty of us squeezed around two tables. The food was half decent, beer was consumed and an all in childish food fight was almost became a reality. I thank common sense for providing the necessary restraint.

After that we walked down the street to our regular hang out to carry on drinking... and that we did. Pretty much all the crew were there and you can guarantee when you stick everyone together like that for some hardcore partying shit is going to get out of control. Beer, tequila, spirits... all that stuff ends up going down the hatch like it were water.

As the nite progressed I gradually got drunker and drunker until I had to sit down and close my eyes. I promise I wasn't sleeping - it as all I could do to stop the room from spinning at such a violent pace. Kind of embarrassing really and not something I particularly like doing. After that I got a lift home from my much loved mate and slept hard well into the morning.

Surprisingly when I finally got myself up I didn't feel too bad. No major hangover to speak of and nothing a couple of hour's veging out in front of the TV couldn't fix. It did give me some time to process the nite before though. Mulling it over in my head it became clear that I stopped having fun when I got too drunk... which I admit sounds completely fucking obvious but if you've never thought about it then probably not so much...

That evening I turned on 60 Minutes which I pretty much never do and it just so happened that the first story was all about binge drinking [you can find it here]. Basically the point to come out of it was that consuming 8 drinks or more in a session is considered a binge... oh yeah and binging is a bad thing. Oddly enough 8 drinks is about where I start having fun...

Thinking back over the last few years, every time I've gone out for a big nite it's been with one goal - to get as drunk as possible. Somehow, somewhere along the line I got it in my head that if I want to have fun when I go out, mass amounts of booze need to be consumed. I'm quite sure I don't have a drinking problem - I practically never drink unless it's a social occasion and I can only think of one time in my life that I've had a beer when no one else was around.

My goal now is to be a good little boy and refrain from getting absolutely smashed for the rest of the year... try to keep myself under the 8 drinks mark next time we go out. The biggest problem is going to be the spate of birthdays coming up over the next month [including my own]. September is traditionally my drunkest month of the year so it will be a good chance to test my will power. Anyone want to take bets on how long I will last?

I'm the first to admit I don't like linking to sites that are better than mine but when someone as old school as RexMag.com asks me to show you guy's the love who am I to say no? RexMag is your one stop for oh I dunno... a coupla billion videos, MILF's, tasty models and dirty hot wives! It's the coolest e-zine online that all you boys and gals are going to love! Check it.

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

It's time again for wild college partying folks, and GroovyBus! is feeding the freshman girls all the booze and "stuff" to get em loosened up. This week's GroovyBus.com update includes a wild blonde red cup tipping girl who wants more than a single pee pee to tickle her back teeth - of coarse this was a suprise to her boyfriend.... where parties begin and exgirlfriends are made - GroovyBus! displays the un sober videos of the intoxicated overconfident college girls from a college frat party near you. What ever you do - DON'T MISS THE 'BUS!

Searching for chicks turning monster dick tricks? Look no further than Mr Biggz where interracial giant cock meets tiny white pussy. It's like trying to fit a foot long sausage into the center of a buttermilk biscuit covered in sauce. It's messy but it's fun to watch someone try.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Amazing Magic - LOTRgasm - Take That, Bitch! - Jessica Alba - Ass Pounding - Sexy Stripper

Hard Mofo's - Back Your Shit Up! - Tupac Lives - Parachute - Horny Nissa - LesBeFriends - Keyra's Ass

GIRLS ON WEBCAM ABSOLUTELY FREE!

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."
--
Moishe is driving in Jerusalem. He's late for a meeting, he's looking for a parking place, and can't find one. In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says: "God, if you find me a parking space, I promise that I'll eat only kosher, respect Shabbas, and all the holidays." Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him. He turns his face up to heaven and says: "Never mind, I just found one."

Amanda & Sabrina - Amanda & Sabrina - Amanda & Sabrina - Amanda & Sabrina - Amanda & Sabrina Amanda & Sabrina - Amanda & Sabrina - Amanda & Sabrina - Amanda & Sabrina - Amanda & Sabrina Amanda & Sabrina - Amanda & Sabrina - Amanda & Sabrina - Amanda & Sabrina - Amanda & Sabrina

Dear Alcohol, First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work daiquiri, a glass of wine on the weekend, you're even around in the holidays, or hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese, onion and mustard (washed down with WINE and topped off with a Kit Kat after a few sweet chilli and sour cream red rock chips)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black and blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 minutes to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for a previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership. Thank you, Your biggest fan.

ORSM VIDEO Back in early July I posted a vid of Cassidy. To be honest she's the kind of chick I could be very happy with and by the reaction I got from you guys I'm no Robinson Crusoe - gorgeous face, awesome eyes and really big boobs. Anyway, in the spirit of keeping you guy's happy here she is again. Check it... - The Absoutely Magnificent: Cassidy -

I'VE BEEN PLUGGING ALL SITE ACCESS FOR SO LONG NOW I THOUGHT IT WAS ABOUT TIME TO BUY A MEMBERSHIP AND CHECK IT OUT FOR MYSELF! WHY THE HELL DID I WAIT SO LONG? THIS IS AWESOME! CLICK HERE & CHECK IT OUT!

This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.

The priest says, "Oh ok, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language. The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.

"Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church." The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?" The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I hooked my drive well left into the trees." The priest said, "And that's when you swore."

The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree." The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"

The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away." The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"

The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole." The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!"

Snake Vs Wallaby - Snake Vs Wallaby - Snake Vs Wallaby - Snake Vs Wallaby - Snake Vs Wallaby Snake Vs Wallaby - Snake Vs Wallaby - Snake Vs Wallaby - Snake Vs Wallaby - Snake Vs Wallaby

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

READER MAIL
If you're new to this site then you're probably wondering what 'mail' is. Mail has been around in one form or another for at least the last 3 years and is generally used to forward obscene jokes, deliver pornography and occasionally for the abuse of someone not physically located nearby. In its electronic form people are able to send the above items to me for display on Orsmnet! Amazing isn't it? If you wish to 'mail' me something then you may click here to do so.

<with held> wrote: Subject: chuck hello orsm. here is a picture i got of one of my friends after he tried to beer bong a 40 oz. of mickey's... i guess this is what you could a money shot. ps, please don't post my name or email - thanks!

Mital wrote: Subject: Metal Sculpture Hey, been reading your site for a bit. Some funny shit sometimes so it makes the week a little easier. After seeing that last e-mail from the guy with the sculpture I wondered if you've seen the "Cloud Gate" sculpture in Chicago? If not I've attached one picture and here's a link to more. It's in Millenium Park and while it already opened to visitors they've been working on it a little more to weld all the seams and grind them smooth and polish the whole thing so it'll be one seamless metal sculpture. Not sure if any of your readers want to see this kind of stuff, but it's more impressive in person than you would think.

DtM wrote: Subject: safety moment gotta love this industry A legend is born. -Orsm

Philip Adamson wrote: Subject: Canada's CN Tower Defining the Toronto skyline, the CN Tower is Canada's most recognizable and celebrated icon. At a height of 553.33m (1,815 ft., 5 inches), it is Canada's National Tower, the World's Tallest Building, an important telecommunications hub, and the centre of tourism in Toronto. A mate of mine is into amateur photography and for those who have never seen the CN Tower ... Here's a picture of CN Tower. Apparently he worked very hard getting the right angle and distance, light, speed and location to get this wonderful photo of the CN Tower. For his next project, he is working on a picture of the Calgary Tower

Jansen wrote: Subject: Our intelligent Police Hi, I know there's people from the previous disadvantaged group and they did not get the same education as the advantaged people , but apartheid can't be blamed for plain stupidity

<with held> wrote: Subject: Irony?? Hey Mr.ORSM! I have been regularly checking out you updates for a year now and I love it! (I have also checked out most of the updates from years past and they are all just as great. I stumbled upon this article a while ago and I thought the advert was hilariously ironic considering the article. I hope to see this picture in your mail or RS sections!! (My 2 favorite sections by the way.)

Jerzey wrote: Subject: Right around the corner from the baseball Hall of fame here in the states. Did a double take when I saw it and then ran to get the camera. Try the www address this isnt a spoof at all. please leave out my email address.

Robert James Hoffman III wrote: Subject: Quick pic from Robert wasn't sure if you'd enjoy this or not. It gave me a chuckle. It's in a parking deck at Paramount studios- but my goodness, that phrase has probably gotten more guys successfully laid than any other phrase in history.

Garry wrote: Subject: Homer Simpson Stolen from Aus Hi, Love you site, Visited the Red Centre this year took this photo of the Olgas from the right angle and what do you know Homer laying down on the job. He is ours we want him back.

Tom T wrote: Subject: hung up dogs I shot these two dogs standing in a street alley after doing the dirty deed.. They were both tired from trying to go their separate ways, and occasionally one would try to pull away but it must've hurt too much. Notice that the sheepdog is obviously a Wyoming dog, since it's wearing the mandatory yellow bandana. Casper Wyoming USA

Tofie wrote: Subject: Kalk Bay - Taken on Saturday This was taken on Saturday. Just down the road from me. Severe winter at the moment

Brian wrote: Subject: Public Nudity - Edgewater Hi the gallery from Kieran was very good but there were a few snaps (front on) that were a little dark... So with what I had to work with her are the improved versions. Great site I have been visiting for years... p.s. Do we indeed have a little art-work on the left breast.

<with held> wrote: Subject: Cops Called on Stormtrooper A 501st Legion trooper from the Midwest Garrison had the pleasure of meeting Janesville's finest during the JVL-CON this weekend in Janesville, WI. Someone decided that the guy dressed in white plastic was trying to rob the Ramada Inn and called the local police. According to the 501st, 2 squad cars and 4 officers greeted the trooper. The misunderstanding was soon cleared up and the trooper released.

DtM wrote: Subject: Hurricane katrina Hurricane Katrina broke an Alabama oil rig's moorings and pushed it under a bridge

_4L_Do_Amor wrote: Subject: emule pics Hello Mr. Orsm! I came across a pack of photos from Swingers in emule (this is the ed2k link or just search your emule client for SafeMode and you will find lots of private amateur photos); anyway, I found some funny photos I think you will like for your site. P.S.: I love your site!!! Please don't ever let it die...

corey wrote: Subject: 'Stang Power Hello there, Mr. ORSM. I'm a freshman in college at UNL (University of Nebraska at Lincoln) in the U.S. I figured after being a fan of your site for years now, I want to have a contribution! With you being the Ford guy you seem to be, I thought you may appreciate this example of true muscle power. My father and I restored a 1968 Raven Black Mustang Fastback. It was originally a 390 big block car, but we upped it to a 428 cobra jet. We've done a crap-ton of upgrading various components of our car, with more on the way as soon as some money is available. If you were curious to any other upgrades, you can go ahead and email me back asking me! I'm attaching several pics of my beast at a local burn out contest we ended up winning pretty easily. And just so you know, the reason the paint job looks poor is because it is the original paint that came on the car.

zgrondz wrote: Subject: Perkele! A Rare Species spotted! Hello, mr. Orsm. Been reading your site for about a few centuries now and I've finally come to a conclusion that since us Finnish human hazards have not been properly introduced to your most respective readers I thought that they might have an interest to our nations native habits presented here in this video. As you can see, it's a rather rare species called the Finnish Vodka Diver (also known as Perkele) being lured out of its natural habitat called the Infernal Sauna by a pair of very cunning photographers.

Lucifero wrote: Subject: illegal street racing in pakistan Werd Mr. Orsm, Ofcourse Pakistan has always been #1 in illegal crap, the morons proved to beat the latest with the oldest. Check out how a 1982 corolla beats a mazda rx8. Rx8 driver wets his pants after loosing "with shame" ofcourse. :P

Mads Lauritzen wrote: Subject: Helicopter film Hey Orsm. Here's another little film me and my mates did. It's the sequel of "Pit stop" and "Spin" that you can see here.

Dan wrote: Subject: wiz sparkie sliders Hey Mr ORSM! This is a vid of one of my mates on a 99 (i think) Fireblade. It was taken on the old Pacific Hwy in NSW, he has Wiz Sparkie knee sliders on. Keep up the good work with the site and ignore all the wankers.

GIRLS ON WEBCAM ABSOLUTELY FREE!

Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist, visits the red light district of Oklahoma City and enters a large brothel. It's only his second time in Oklahoma. The Madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady over to entertain the prospective client. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!

Seeing this, the Madam sends over a more experienced lady over to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He again whispers in her ear and she screams "No!" and walks quickly away!

The Madam decides that only the most experienced lady, Lola, would do! Lola looks a bit tired, but there is nothing she hasn't done already and absolutely nothing would surprise her. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams "No!" louder than the previous two smacks him as hard as she can and runs away!

Madam is by now, absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She asks, "What did you want to do, to make them run away like that?" Bob said "I just asked if I can pay in Canadian Dollars".

AWESOME MILF BOOBIES Erica - Erica - Erica - Erica - Erica - Erica - Erica - Erica - Erica Erica - Erica - Erica - Erica - Erica - Erica - Erica

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses. As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well.

This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity. Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation.

She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."

George W., ever the Texas intellectual and gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."

ORSM VIDEO

Vida Guerra's Ass

The Great Escape

Naomi Robson

500ft Stoppie

ALL THEY WANTED WAS TO BE FAMOUS - ALL THEY GET IS THE FUCK OF OUR THEIR LIFE!!!

DATING RITUALS

WHITE WOMEN
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight. Second date: You get to grope all over and make out. Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. 20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant. Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs. Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-karat ring. 5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex. 6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

JEWISH WOMEN
First Date: You get dynamite head. Second Date: You get more great head. Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.

CHINESE WOMEN
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens. Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again. Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realised nothing is going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN
First date: Meet her parents. Second date: Set the date of the wedding. Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner. Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner. Third Date: You get to pay her rent. Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car. Second Date: She's pregnant. Third Date: She moves in. One week later: her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.

The POINT: DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN!?

TEEN HITCH HIKERS: SEE WHAT THESE HOTTIES WILL RIDE JUST TO GET A RIDE!

RANDOM SHITE Long and hard - the way your sister likes it and also the best way to explain the process involved in conjuring this weeks RS... so check it out [like I did your sister]... RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.

They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."

Roller Crazy - Roller Crazy - Roller Crazy - Roller Crazy - Roller Crazy - Roller Crazy Roller Crazy - Roller Crazy - Roller Crazy - Roller Crazy - Roller Crazy - Roller Crazy

Patrick, who was holidaying from Ireland on Sydney beach couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

"Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man...you'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!

So he went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?" "Damn, Mate!" said the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!!"

Toni & Roxanne - Toni & Roxanne - Toni & Roxanne - Toni & Roxanne - Toni & Roxanne Toni & Roxanne - Toni & Roxanne - Toni & Roxanne - Toni & Roxanne - Toni & Roxanne Toni & Roxanne - Toni & Roxanne - Toni & Roxanne - Toni & Roxanne - Toni & Roxanne

Tony Blair started jogging near his home in Chequers. Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"Fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb. "No! Five pounds!" Tony would fire back.

This ritual between Tony and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Tony realised she'd bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a darn good explanation for the 'Boss'.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Tony became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. Tony tried to avoid the hookers eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from the pavement, the hooker yelled "See what you get for five quid!!?"

ORSM VIDEO You guy's went nuts when I posted a pic of these lovely ladies at the top of last weeks update. My inbox filled with email after email wanting to know who the gorgeous redhead was so I decided to go one better with a clip of her! If you want to see more clips then I suggest going here for the full length movie. Check it... - Destiny, Ashely & Roxetta -

Well boys and gals it's that time again - time to wind this update to a close so I can bring some closure to this long, cold week and let the weekend begin. I don't know about you guy's but all I have on my mind lately is summer, summer and summer. This probably doesn't apply to all you bastards lapping it up in the northern hemisphere but you'll be suffering what we have been for the last few months soon enough. Anyway make sure you tune back in next week for more Orsm goodness and don't forget to tell your friends!

Until next time, be good, stay off the chems and happy Fathers Day for this Sunday if you're a dad. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.