Welcome to never underestimate the power of human stupitystudipity stupidity.
I had my first "Karen" encounter at the weekend. I'm sure most will understand what that means by now but people are still misusing the term - getting screamed at because you or someone else is stupid doesn't make them a Karen. Being entitled and unreasonable does. Anyway, so I was out taking a ride... on my bike; a leg-propelled contraption with wheels that one uses for the purposes of exercise and/or moving between 2 or more locations. I was doing a short route because 1) fatigue from the previous days riding [ohh look at me] and 2) windy AF. My route loops around this huge reserve comprised of ovals and trees, a lake, skatepark, all that sort of recreational stuff. Very popular place in the area. There's one particular section which is long, straight and flat. Along the straight is a FOOT path and about 3 metres away running parallel is a BIKE path. Common sense tells us this is to provide safety for pedestrians and cyclists alike. The bike path is painted with a hashed line in case anyone is too fucking stupid to know which is their side and there are even signs indicating as much.
As I turn on to the straight, there in the distance is Karen. My guess is she saw me from a good couple of hundred metres away. Her body language changed and she moved momentarily to the side. Not sure what caught her eye first - could've been my bright red shirt, large frame, 800 lumen strobe or perhaps massive cyclist ego, but she saw me. Did this prompt Karen, her dog or her kid to move over? Nope. Kept on keeping on blocking the whole path - both sides. I kept cycling. Closer and closer, closer and closer and she/they just aren't moving. So I keep going... until its clear she's not budging. Hit the brakes. Slow from a hard-fought 30km/h to barely walking pace, on my correct side, on the BIKE path, clearly visible... and as I go past, say nothing... except give that hand gesture where you roll your wrist so your palm is facing the sky. A polite way to say "Umm wot?". Karen didn't like that. "WHAT'S YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM?" she screams, followed by more indistinguishable screaming as I cycled away. Okay sort of a non-event, right? I'm generally non-confrontational plus there were people everywhere so I'm not going to hop off my bike and get into an argument with a woman walking with a kid. No matter what happens, I'm going to look like a bully. People hate cyclists. Cyclists hate cyclists.
But it has bugged me no-end for the past couple of days. I've posted shit loads of "Karen" videos on Orsm and never thought too hard about it. What kind of a piece of actual shit goes out looking to start shit with random people? [I thought that behaviour was limited to meth heads and cashed-up FIFO workers..?] Is her life so devoid of happiness? Did she feel empowered because she had a big dog in tow? There has to be more to your pathetic life than deliberately being a cunt to strangers? Like SURELY??? Okay maybe if I was doing something wrong then, go for it. Also, great role modeling for your little kid you shitsipper. The whole 30 second 'event' was pure, crazy, unnecessary, unprovoked cuntiness.
Was in a store a couple of days before that. Chatting away to the lady behind the counter I mentioned I'd been coming there for years and she'd served me plenty of times but probably had no idea who I was. She apologised saying she deals with so many customers it's impossible to remember names etc. and spends half her life thinking maybe she recognises strangers. So when she goes out anywhere, rather than risk being rude or offending anyone, she just smiles at everyone; is friendly to everyone. Great way to see the world be and I'll continue to shop there.
Meanwhile where ever Karen is, whoever's day she's ruining, I hope she's miserable, stuck in a domestic violence relationship, suffers frequent brutal diarrhea, is shunned by her family, dumped by any remaining friends, develops a gambling problem, gets a flat tyre, has a warranty claim denied, her house gets broken into, miscarries, accidentally burns dinner and loses a winning lottery ticket she sorts that shit out because its no way to live your life.
Alright, folks. Enough of my diatribe. This update is simply smashing and it would be assholic to deny you guys from experiencing it any longer. So go forth and enjoy. Check it...
My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books. I told him that he's only got his shelf to blame.
--
Me: "Darling, to me, you are like a neutron star". Her: "Awww, is that because I brighten up your world and your love for me burns as hot as the sun?" Me: "No, it's because you are the densest thing in the fucking universe".
--
I can't believe it, at the age of 30, I finally lost my virginity! I've tried everything over the years to get laid. But, ironically, it was rather anti-climactic to be honest. Sex really isn't all it's cracked up to be - and it's taken me a whole week before I could sit down again.
--
A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby. He went to his wife and said "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered". When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded "Have you been fooling around on me?" His wife confessed "Not this time".
--
Being that it's Halloween, I normally wouldn't think twice about it, however there was a distinct difference between this pirate and any other I had seen before. He had a large steering wheel attached to his belt buckle. I must say that I was intrigued so I approached this pirate and politely asked "Excuse me, Mr. Pirate. What's the steering wheel on the front of your outfit supposed to be for?" To which he replies: "ARRRRR, I don't know matey, but it's drivin' me nuts".
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.
Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field.
The situation looked hopeless to her - how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? Depressed, she hung herself.
When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parent's and the cow were dead. He decided to go down to the river and drown himself.
When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, then I will restore your parents and the cow to you".
The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to get it up again.
So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, then I will make everything right".
And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river also.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parent's dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row".
The young son replied "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"
Finally, she said "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health". Then the young son asked "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
Trump's being driven through a backroad out to the White House one night when suddenly, the car lurches to a halt.
The driver explains that a pig from a nearby farm wandered onto the road and he hit it. Trump is a bit annoyed, but tells the driver "Just go to their house, tell them you're my driver, and apologise".
A while later, the man returns, seeming incredibly satisfied. Trump asks how the family reacted, but the driver said they seemed in good spirits and even gave him some of their dinner.
Back on the road, the driver hits another pig that wandered onto the road.
He goes and tells the farmer's family, but when he comes back, he says the family was overjoyed and gave him a bottle of liquor.
The driver hits a third pig that was on the road, but this time, Trump secretly follows him to see why the people would be so happy.
When the farmer comes to the door, the driver announces "I'm President Trump's driver, the pig is dead!"
WONDERFUL AMBIENCE, GREAT FOOD AND EXCELLENT FLASHING. WOULD DINE HERE AGAIN. 10/10
Chicks exposing themselves in restaurants previously on Orsm: #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
There was a woman named Betty Lou, whose life had recently fallen into a downward spiral of horrible luck.
She had been laid off after working for the same company for several years. She began binge eating to cope, and as a result become terribly overweight. This made it more difficult for her to actively seek employment, so she mostly just stayed at home. Even her husband ended up leaving her, unable to deal with the changes. Betty Lou was ready to give up, but she decided to try speaking with a professional to help her get her life back on track. She decided that she should see a doctor first to address the weight issues.
She mopes into the local doctor's office and says "Doctor, I'm fat. I'm depressed. My husband left me. I have no job. Please, I'll do anything to be like I was before". The doctor says "Alright Ms. Lou, I'm going to put you on an experimental diet. That should help get your weight under control. After that, we can address your other issues. Now... this may sound odd, but from now on, you'll do all of your eating by inserting your food... umm... rectally".
"RECTALLY?" Betty Lou repeats. She is stunned, but eventually she nods and agrees. The doctor tells her to return after one month. Betty Lou leaves the office and follows the doctor's orders exactly.
One month later, a much thinner Betty Lou strides through the doors of the doctor's office. The receptionist almost didn't recognise her. But as Betty approached the front desk, the receptionist noticed something else different. Betty Lou had not stopped wagging her hips since she walked in. She was doing a sort of bounce-step when she walked, and when she stood still, she rested a hand on her side and shook her hips widely, but in perfect tempo.
The receptionist sends Betty Lou back, and when she sees the doctor she blurts out "Look, Doc, look! I'm thin again, I got a job as a model making more than I was at my other job, and I even got a new boyfriend who is much younger than my ex-husband! I'm doing much better all because I'm taking my food rectally!" all the while continuing to bounce her hips.
The doctor replies "That's wonderful, Ms. Lou! I can see that it has had results. But... uh... Ms. Lou, you seem to have developed a minor tick.. You haven't been taking any drugs, have you...?"
Betty Lou chuckled. "No Doc, of course not! I'm just chewing a piece of gum!"
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met".
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16" he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears.
"Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to prison for 20 years?" "I remember that, too," she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today".
TARGET LOCKED. PERMISSION TO FIRE. BOMBS AWAY. TARGET DESTROYED!
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
A sixteen-year-old boy came home with a new Tesla and his parents began to yell and scream "Where did you get that car?!"
He calmly told them "I bought it today". "With what money?" they demanded. They knew what a Tesla cost!
"Well" said the boy "this one cost me just fifteen dollars". So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a Tesla for fifteen dollars?" they said. "It was the lady up the street" said the boy. I don't know her name. They just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Tesla for fifteen dollars".
"Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother "she must be a child abuser! Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on".
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Tesla for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well" she said "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. "I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back". "He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his Tesla and send him the money. So I did".
The medics rushed Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently due to a massive heart attack.
The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to the Intensive Care Unit, where therapy continues.
After a couple of days, Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like".
Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife.
"Doris, you'll never believe it! I'm completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before - wild, passionate sex! You'll love it!"
Doris thinks for a minute and says "I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my conscience if you die while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was okay, maybe I would have such sex with you".
Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor's office.
His doctor tells him "Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription pad: 'Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad, and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz'.
Now, I'll just address this. By the way, Sol, what's your wife's first name?"
"Uh, Doc, could you just make that 'To Whom It May Concern'?"
There was this little boy about 12-years-old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.
He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it".
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.
Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course the Madam said "No".
He said "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want".
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner, leaving me at home with a babysitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When mum and dad get back, dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump the babysitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when dad gets home from the babysitters, he and mum will go to bed and have sex, and mum will catch it too. In the morning when dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the cunt who ran over my FROG!"
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE HOW YOGA PANTS ARE JUST EVERY DAY CLOTHES NOW?
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you".
She answers "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive".
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me". She responds "Well, let's see what we can do about that... #1 you have to be single and #2 you must be catholic".
The cab driver is very excited and says "Yes, I'm single and catholic!" "Okay" the nun says "pull into the next alley".
The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child" says the nun "'why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish". The nun says "That's okay. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now and looking for a girl with big tits.
One evening a man walked into a fast-food chicken place and bought a nine-piece bucket of chicken. He took his chicken to the park for a romantic dinner under the moonlight with his lady.
Upon reaching into the bucket, however, he received a surprise. Instead of chicken he discovered what was apparently the restaurant's night deposit - around some nine thousand bucks!
The young man brought the bucket back to the store and asked for his chicken in exchange for the money.
The manager, in awe of the young man's honesty, asked for his name and told him he wanted to call the newspaper and the local news station to do a story on him. He would become a local hero, an example of honesty and morality that would inspire others!
The hungry man shrugged it off "My date's waiting. I just want my chicken".
The manager's renewed amazement over the young man's humility almost overwhelmed him. He begged to be allowed to tell the story on the news. At this the honest man became angry with the manager and demanded his chicken.
"I don't get it" the manager responded. "You are an honest man in a dishonest world! This is a perfect opportunity to show the world that there are honest people still willing to take a stand for what is right. Please, give me your name and also the woman's name. Is that your wife?"
"That's the fucking problem" said the young man "my wife is at home. The woman in the car is my girlfriend. Now let me have my chicken so I can get out of here!"
A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents' room, and he decided to investigate.
As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mum and dad shagging for all they were worth.
"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing?" "It's ok" his father replied. "Your mother wants a baby, that's all".
The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face.
Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving oral gratification to his father.
"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing now?" "Son, there's been a change of plan" his father replied. "Your mother did want a baby... but now she wants a BMW".
Well... that update was fucking fun sticking together. They're not all like that so I'ma call out the ones that are.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. Okay I've been slacking it in that but also, in my defense, I haven't been slacking at all. Priorities, peoples!
-Check out the archives. No no but I mean like really check them out.
-Next update will be next Thursday. You have a choice - you can vote RED, you can vote BLUE... or you can stay home and check the update.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will find a way to blame you for Crocs.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and *burp*. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2020.10.22-20.12
Welcome to the best revenge is murder.
Somehow find myself in the unusual [or is it: unnerving?] position of having the update wrapped more or less on schedule today. This is good because after last week's clusterfuck I've sorta managed to pull it all back together. Musta been all those pesky days this week starting pre-7am and knocking off after 11pm. Okay sure, it isn't a solid 16 hours, you have to gimme allowances for taking a shit, scratching my arse and fingering by own butthole but the TLDR is: long days. ANY-way... I'ma capitalise on this windfall... by beginning work on next weeks update... and let this update do all the talking. Check it...
A man lost at sea is found on an island 20 years later. The sailors that find him are surprised to see three large buildings on the island. They ask the man why he built the buildings. "This first building is my house" he says. "I was able to set up a crude aqueduct to create some form of indoor plumbing". The sailors are impressed and ask about the second building. "This second building is my church" he says "I am a Christian and my faith is very important to me". The sailors nod in understanding and ask about the third building. "Oh, that one" the man says. "That's the church I USED to go to".
--
A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized. "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak". Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory".
--
A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off. A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a shag before you go?" She screamed "NO! Bugger off you filthy old bastard!" He shrugged and turned away saying "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then".
--
I was offered sex from a beautiful 21-year-old chick today. In exchange I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner on my Facebook wall. Of course, I declined because of my morals and strong willpower. Which is just as strong as AJAX. The super strong bathroom cleaner, now available in lemon scent and vanilla.
--
Sam died. His Will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased" she said. "I'm sure you're right" replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?" "All of it" said Helen. "Thirty thousand". "No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?" Helen answered "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone". Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!" "Two and a half carats".
--
On my way home yesterday, I stopped at the garage to get a brew and as I walked up, I noticed these 2 police officers watching a woman who was smoking while putting her petrol in. I saw her and thought, is this lady stupid, crazy, or both, especially with the police standing RIGHT there. But anyways, I minded my own business and went inside and got my brew. As I was paying for my drink, I heard someone screaming! Like I'm talking violent death screams!! I looked outside and I saw that this woman's arm was on fire! She was swinging her arm, running around going nuts!! Like she was bat shit crazy. When I got outside, the police had the woman on the ground and they were putting the fire out! Then they put handcuffs on her and threw her in the police car. I was thinking, arrested?? Shouldn't she be in an ambulance, not a police car? And being the nosey arse I am, I asked the copper what they were arresting her for? The officer looked at me, dead serious, and said "WAVING A FIRE ARM"!!
--
A little boy went running into his grandfather's hospital room Excited, he shrieked "Grandpa! Make a noise like a frog!" The grandpa replies "Why?" Still excited, the little boy replies "Because Grandma says that as soon as you croak, we're going to Disneyland!"
--
A Texas Farmer is visiting a Vermont farm. The Texan asks the Vermont farmer "How big is your farm?" The Vermont farmer points to a big bush and says "Well that there is one end and it goes over to that barn, then back up to that road you can see there, and were sitting right on the fourth corner". The Texan ponders this for a moment before the Vermont farmer asks "Well how big is your farm?" The Texan explains "Well say I get in my car at about 6 am, and leave one end of my farm. If I drive all day, I should reach the other end by about dinner time. The Vermont farmer looks up and replies "Yeah. I had a car like that once".
My pregnant wife's car broke down at a set of traffic lights the other day. An 8 months pregnant woman trying to push her car to the kerb, and no one stopped to help. I was so disgusted I got out and helped her myself.
--
When we went on holiday to Ethiopia, we couldn't believe it when we saw these Mursi women with enormous plates in their lips. I asked one of them "Doesn't that hurt or make eating difficult?" She replied "Shmsh thids rusgh grffshugguh midgh drufss thif... "
--
As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife. She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"
--
I got some anti gloating cream off the doctor. All I want to do is rub it in.
Timmy was turning 14. His family was very wealthy, so Timmy often got expensive gifts for his birthday. But for some reason, this time Timmy asked for one ping pong ball.
Timmy's father was confused on why Timmy would ask for something like this, but whenever he asked Timmy what he was planning to do with it, Timmy always said "I need it for something" and never gave any other information.
So when Timmy's father went to the store to buy his gift, he bought one ping pong ball, just like Timmy asked.
After Timmy's 14th birthday, he never once used the ping pong ball he asked for. The father just assumed it was some fad at school to have their own ping pong ball, and it went out of style. But one year later, on Timmy's 15th birthday, Timmy asked for 1 package of ping pong balls. His father again was very sceptical about buying it, and offered many other things like a new gaming console, new shoes, or a new phone, but each time, Timmy denied his offer and kept with the package of ping pong balls.
For Timmy's 15th birthday, he bought him one package of ping pong balls, just like Timmy asked.
Again, the year went by, and Timmy never once used his ping pong balls. And again, every time the father asked why he wanted them so much, all Timmy said was "I need them for something" and never gave his father a straight answer.
Next year, Timmy was turning 16-years-old. Timmy's father was sure that this year, since Timmy would be getting his license, that he would want something like a new car, since the family was wealthy and could afford it. But, same as always, Timmy asked for ping pong balls. But this time, he asked for a car full of ping pong balls. This time, the father felt a little better about getting him the ping pong balls since he would be giving Timmy a car with them too, and maybe he would actually use that.
So, on Timmy's 16th birthday, Timmy's father got him a car full of ping pong balls, just as he asked.
But the whole year after that, Timmy never used the car or the ping pong balls.
And one day, a few weeks before Timmy's 17th birthday, Timmy got very sick. The doctors said he didn't have much longer to live, so Timmy decided to tell his father the purpose of the ping pong balls before he passed away.
"Father, I want to tell you the reason for all the ping pong balls".
"Yes, son?"
"The reason I wanted all those ping pong balls is because-"
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are working on a skyscraper.
The Englishman opens his sandwich box and exclaims "Bloody hell, ham and cheese again! I swear, if I have ham and cheese again tomorrow, I'm going to throw myself off this building!"
The Scotsman then proceeds to open his sandwich box and exclaims "Aye, I've got fucking chicken-mayo again. If I have this tomorrow I'll throw myself off this building as well!"
The Irishman opens his lunch and says "I've got bacon again! If I have bacon again tomorrow, I'll join you in jumping off this building!"
So the next day the three men open their sandwich boxes and all have the same filling as the day before, so they all, for the purpose of this joke, jump from the sky scraper to their deaths.
A few days later at the funerals of the three men, their wives stood weeping.
"If I would have known he didn't want ham and cheese then I would have mixed it up!" said the Englishman's wife.
The Scotsman's wife nodded "Yes, If I knew he didn't want chicken mayo then I would have made something different".
The Irishman's wife was crying harder than all and simply said "I just don't understand... Paddy made his own fucking sandwiches".
36 BABES BOOBS 'FALLING OUT' IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEEDED TO SEE, WHEN YOU NEEDED TO SEE IT.
Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper.
The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver says "Why'd you do that? The trooper says "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready". Driver says "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here".
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.
He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.
The passenger says "What'd you do that for?" The cop says "Just making your wishes come true". The passenger says "Huh?"
The cop says "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say "I wish that sucker would've tried that shit with me!"
A man, his wife and daughter are arguing about who should pop down the shops for a pint of milk.
"I'll tell you what" says the man finally. "Whoever speaks first has to go and get the milk".
The others agree and silence ensues. Ten minutes later, the girl's boyfriend walks in.
"Hello everyone" he says, but there is no response.
"How about a cup of tea?" Still no one speaks, so he goes over to his girlfriend, gives her a lip-smacking kiss and leads her out of the door and up the stairs.
Half an hour later he returns looking a little flushed but still no one speaks. He decides to have a bit of fun so he goes up to the wife and gives her a kiss. He can't believe she doesn't say anything, so he takes this as a "Yes" and takes her upstairs as well.
Twenty minutes later he returns feeling quite knackered. As he passes the mirror, he catches sight of his bedraggled appearance and his hair which is now sticking up in the air. Needing to tidy up, he asks "Anyone got any Vaseline?"
At that, the man rushes to the door.
"You're right" he says "a cup of tea would be nice, I'll just pop out for some milk".
THERE'S FEW BETTER WAYS TO GET NOTICED THAN A SKIN-TIGHT DRESS
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church since his confirmation.
After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come today?" Murphy said "I got to be honest with you Father, last night, I misplaced me hat and I know that me wife will be asking me where it is. I know that McGlynn has a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn comes to church every Sunday. I also know that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church; so, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat".
The priest said "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?" Murphy said "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all".
The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said "After I talked about 'Thou Shal Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"
Murphy shook his head and said "No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou shall not commit adultery' I remembered where I left me hat".
GIRLS WITH GREAT TITS AND SKIN COLOURED NIPPLES BE LIKE...
When I was about 9-years-old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn't even know.
When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass. Then a man approached me and said "Enjoy life kid, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn't enjoy it".
Then he passed his hand over my head and left.
My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person.
When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me!
I was so traumatised I couldn't sleep properly. I had terrible nightmares. I was terrified of being alone. I couldn't sleep without a night light for many years. I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years. It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear.
Years later, I discovered something incredible that changed my life... the dead guy had a twin.
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed 'Dad'.
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:
"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Josh.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!"
THINK ABOUT IT - BIKINI BRIDGES IS ESSENTIALLY DOWNSKIRTING
A woman received a call that her daughter was sick.
She stopped by the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said "I don't know how to use this".
She bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP.
Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up. A bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?" He said "Sure".
He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said "Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man".
The man replied "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday, I was in prison for car theft".
The woman hugged the man again sobbing "Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a professional!"
A crazy homeless man was in a grocery store shouting at customers.
A woman was waiting to be checked out. The homeless man pointed at the older gentleman in front of him and said "Angus beef won't help you in bed!".
The older man gathers his items and quickly leaves.
The woman gets nervous as she puts her items to be scanned. The homeless man surprisingly is silent but stares intensely at her. She quickly places her items carrots, cucumbers, wine, cheese, and sausage.
Suddenly the homeless man points at the woman and shouts "You're a single lady looking to get laid!" The woman was perplexed since he was correct!
She begins looking at her items to see if anything gave it away. Perhaps the man was an unfortunate Sherlock Holmes. As she gathers her things to leave, curiosity got the better of her and she quickly asks the homeless man how he knew.
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so the pastor stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his wage.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke
"Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us".
Silence fell over the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice...
"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers".
The entire congregation said "Amen".
LILLY BANKS IS PROOF THAT BLONDES WILL NEVER GO OUT OF FASHION 😍
Joe was a housekeeper who had this habit of drinking from his boss' wine bottle and replacing it with water. The boss, James, did suspect him but tolerated it for a while. But when this became a daily routine, James decided to do something to trap Joe.
Accordingly, James replaced his drink with a French wine which changed colour when water is added to it. Joe, not aware of the trap, took a few swigs and added water as usual. The wine changed colour from red to milky white. Joe realised he was in for trouble but was determined to get out of it.
James told his wife about Joe's misdoings and that he would make Joe accept his follies.
So he shouted "Joe!!" Joe answered from the kitchen "Yes boss?" James: "Who drank my wine and added water in the bottle?"
There was no answer from the kitchen. The boss repeated the question, still no answer. The angry boss marched to the kitchen and threatened Joe "What the hell is going on? When I call your name, you respond with 'Yes Boss' and when I ask you a question, you remain silent. What impertinence!!"
Joe said "It is like this. In the kitchen, you can hear only your name being called. You don't hear anything else that is said, I swear".
James "How is that possible? All right, I will prove you wrong. You stay right here in the hall with Madam, I will go to the kitchen and you ask me a question, OK?"
So the boss went to the kitchen.
Joe shouted "Boss!!" Boss: "Yes Joe?" Joe: "Who becomes intimate with the maid in Madam's absence?"
Silence. No reply.
Joe again: "Who made the maid pregnant?"
Again, no reply.
Joe, yet again: "And who arranged for her abortion?"
James came running from the kitchen and said "You are right Joe. When one is in kitchen, one can't hear anything but one's name. That's bloody strange!"
Well children folks, that's us d-o-n-e DONE for this week. IDK why but this was one of the more enjoyable updates I've smashed out for a little while. Honestly they're all pretty cool but sometimes one just tickles me in all the right places a little more. Endolphins, bitches!
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. It's what Satan wants. Ask your local devil worshipper.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Expect that one to be online several hours early.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will tell everyone that about really awkward and ambarrassing thing that happened to you at the place that time that he promised he never would.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems.. but enjoy them of you choose to ignore that. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2020.10.15-20.54
Welcome to *SHOTGUN!*
By some standards this week has been a clusterfuck. The cool part is I foresaw it months ago and planned ahead but as these things go, it got way, WAY messier and is now going to have knock-on effects for weeks to come. I guess that's what weekends, nights and any downtime is for, right? Additionally, we added a new addition to the fam this year. With all the extra responsibilities picking up slack in the lead up and then the aftermath, I fell behind and it took me a good 3 months to catch back up and into a manageable update routine so I wasn't getting thrashed just all the time. That, this week, a pandemic, fuck me it never ends. But hey - I'm happy, healthy, sleeping pretty well and there's a brand-new update right before my very eyes. Check it...
After an excitingly hot 69 session with his girlfriend, Jerry remembered he had a dentist appointment. He was afraid the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth several times, gargled a crapload of Listerine and flossed very thoroughly as well. As he arrived at the dentist, he sucked on a fistful of strong mints. His turn came up and the dentist said take a seat. Feeling confident and relaxed Jerry opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close enough and said "Man did you have a 69 before you came here??" Sheepishly Jerry said "Why? Does my breath smell like pussy?" The dentist replied "No your forehead smells like shit!"
--
A man spoke to each of his three sons when he sent them to college. "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a gesture of appreciation, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die". And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a financial planner, and a lawyer, each successful financially. When their father died and they saw him in the coffin, they remembered his wish. First, the doctor stacked 10 crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased. Next, the financial planner placed $1,000 there in 20 crisp $50 bills. Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He slowly reached into his pocket, removed his chequebook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.
--
Two men were walking through the woods when a large bear walked out into the clearing no more than 50 feet in front of them. The first man dropped his backpack and dug out a pair of running shoes, then began to furiously attempt to lace them up as the bear slowly approached them. The second man looked at the first, confused, and said "What are you doing? Running shoes aren't going to help, you can't outrun that bear". "I don't need to" said the first man "I just need to outrun you".
--
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true" he bellowed "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question. "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said "Sir, please answer the question". "Oh" the startled witness said "I thought he was talking to you".
--
The census taker knocked on Donna's door. She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age. "But everyone tells their age to the census taker" he said. "Did my nextdoor neighbours, Miss Maisy Hill and Miss Daisy Hill, tell you THEIR ages?" she asked. "Certainly" he replied. "Well, I'm the same age as they are!" she snapped. "As old as the Hills" he wrote on his form.
--
As I stood swaying from side to side at the British Airways ticket desk last night, the guy looked at me and said "Can I help?" "Yes" I slurred, unzipping my superman costume and pulling my wallet out "One ticket to Amsterdam please". "You're unable to fly, sir" he replied "You're far too drunk". I said "I know mate, that's why I'm getting a plane.
--
A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men. He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, whereas women use 20,000 words per day. His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say. Her husband looked stunned. He said "What?"
--
Two young boys were talking about how much tougher their dads were than the other. The first boy says "I saw my dad carry a fridge out of the house all by himself". The second boy says "Oh yeah, my dad eats glass... I heard him say to my mum the other night in bed 'turn out the light and I'll eat it'".
My friend just hired a limo for $1000 but it didn't come with a driver. Imagine spending all that money with nothing to chauffeur it!
--
I walked up to a female member of staff in Tesco today and said "Do you know where the Weight Watchers meals are?" "I'm afraid not" she replied "It's my first day". "Fair enough" I said "Let me show you".
--
An English major was being released from prison. The nice-looking female clerk was about to give him the $100 they give to all released prisoners. Since the inmate had not had female attention for a long time, he suggested that she could keep the money if she would have sex with him. He was immediately rearrested and thrown back into jail. Everybody knows you should never end a sentence with a proposition.
--
A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally, his exasperated partner says "What's taking so long? Hit the damn ball!" The guy answers "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here".
Four people are sitting at a bar. A native American, a trucker, a business woman, and a Google employee walks up to these people, and asks them "Do any of you know of an important problem facing our society? If so, then we can make a doodle of it and put it on our search homepage to raise awareness for it".
The Native American says "I know of one. There's a company that is putting an oil pipe through our sacred land".
The trucker says "Oh those evil corporations. My company is laying off all of the truckers because they are automating their fleet".
The business woman says "That's terrible. I can sympathise because my company is hiring and promoting men over all of the women at my company.
The trucker says "Oh I hear this all of the time. 'Why care about truckers who are mostly men when women are being oppressed in this society'. That's classic 'whataboutism'. At least women will have jobs. I can lose everything.
The Native American says "Oh I hear this all of the time. 'We should help hardworking Americans who are losing their jobs. Why care about Indians when they're all getting paid by the government anyways?' That's a strawman argument. Our afterlives are in peril. This is an oppression of our religion".
The business woman says "Oh I hear this all of the time. 'Family planning is unethical because my religion says so'. No religion is more important than my body. That's just a red herring.
The Google employee says "Okay, okay, I can solve this. We'll just celebrate Pac Man's 40th".
A man is put on trial for the charge of stealing his neighbour's pig.
After both sides rest, the jury leaves to deliberate, and an hour later it returns.
"Have you reached a verdict?" the judge asks. "We have, your Honour" the foreman says "We find the defendant not guilty, but he still has to give the pig back".
The judge informs them that that is an invalid verdict. "If you find him not guilty, then that means you don't believe he stole the pig. If he didn't steal the pig, then how can he give it back?"
He orders them to continue deliberating until they can render a clear verdict of guilty or not guilty.
An hour later, they return.
"Have you reached a more consistent verdict?" the judge asks.
"We have, your Honor" the foreman says "We find the defendant not guilty... and he gets to keep the pig".
here's proof that cyclist don't need all that stupid lycra
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved 'I love you, Sally'.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said "We've got to give it back". Sally said "Finders keepers".
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money and knocked on their door.
"Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" Sally said "No".
Jerry said "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic". Sally said "Don't believe him, he's getting senile".
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said "Tell us the story from the beginning". Jerry said "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."
The first police officer turned to his partner and said "We're outta here!"
A woman comes home and tells her husband "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone". "No more headaches?" the husband asks "What happened?"
His wife replies "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat:
I do not have a headache.
I do not have a headache.
I do not have a headache.
It worked! The headaches are all gone".
"Well, that is wonderful" replies the husband.
His wife then says "You know, you haven't exactly been a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says "Don't move, I'll be right back".
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says "Don't move! I will be right back".
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says "Don't move, I'll be right back".
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying:
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife!"
His funeral service will be held on Saturday.
I WONDER WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE WITH HER CLOTHES OFF...
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
I had 12 bottles of whisky in my basement. However, my wife did not approve of this ownership of liquor, so she asked me to dispose of it in the sink. And since I didn't dare oppose her, I commenced my precarious mission thus:
I pulled the cork out of the first bottle, and poured the contents down the drain, except for one glass which I drank.
Then I pulled the cork from the second bottle, poured the contents in the sink, except for one glass, which I drank.
Then I pulled the cork off the third bottle, poured one glass, except for the content, which I drank.
Then I pulled the cork out of the fourth sink, poured the bottle in the glass, which I drank.
I then pulled the cork out of the next glass, poured the cork in the bottle and pulled the glass.
After that, I pulled the cork out of the bottle, poured the sink in the bottle and put the cork in the bottle with the glass and pored the whisky on the bottle.
When all the bottles were empty, I had to support the house with one hand while I counted bottles, corks and glasses with the other hand. I got 29, precisely.
To be absolutely sure, I counted once more. This time I got 74 again.
When the house was passing by, I counted everything again, and lastly all the houses, bottles and sinks, except for one cork that I poured in the house and drank...
WHAT IS IT ABOUT A GOOD BOOK THAT MAKES CHICKS WANNA GET THEIR GEAR OFF?
An old Jewish man was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel from the Soviet Union.
When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.
Customs: "What is that?" Old man: "What is that? What is that?! Don't say 'WHAT is that?' say 'WHO is that?' That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!"
The official chuckled and let the old man through.
The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin.
Customs: "What is that?" Old man: "What is that? What is that?! Don't say 'WHAT is that?' say 'WHO is that?' That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from coming to his historical homeland".
The official chuckled and let him through.
When he arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust.
Grandson: "Who is that?" Old man: "Who is that? Who is that?! Don't say 'WHO is that?' say 'WHAT is that?' That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!"
There was a company that sold a great variety of fishing equipment and supplies.
One of their new products was a rod to be used out at sea, with a special reel mechanism to catch larger fish.
Now, there was a new employee who was in charge of printing buyers' names onto the reel by hand and with a quill and ink, as this was a very expensive and exclusive product aimed at the wealthy or extravagant. For the most part, the employee's calligraphy was on spot, he inked without splotches and the company's customers were very satisfied with their personal sea rods. The only thing unusual about him is that he insisted on sitting on a platform with an upside-down moose head as a base while doing his work, instead of the stool that would be normally provided.
When it came time for his supervisor to give his first report on the exclusive sea rod construction process, it was as follows:
"The construction of the rod and reel is coming along perfectly. Our clients are satisfied and performance reports are much higher than anticipated. However, I do have one thing to note: Our sea reel quiller is on the moose".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
"Oh, No!" Tom Smith gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived?
Tom could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Alex kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded.
Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly.
"Alex! Alex!" he whispered to himself.
He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did.
He shook his head and felt his gut tighten. He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much.
Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.
In desperation, he took another step then cried out "Alex!"
From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad?" he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.
"It's time to get up and get ready for school" Tom sighed "and, for goodness sake, clean up this room!"
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son".
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives, in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the bloody R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old Abbot "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies "The word was....... Celeb-RATE!"
AND NOW FOR A LITTLE ASHLEY CHUBS... BECAUSE SOME PREFER THEM CUDDLY.
A man was walking in the desert, however he is now lost. He has survived for two weeks already, but he is craving for sex.
In week three he sees a camel. Because the man is so desperate for sex, he turns a bucket he collected upside-down and starts thrusting towards the camel. The camel however doesn't like this and walks a few steps forward. There, the man tries again, but the camel walks forward again. The man tries this occasionally for another two weeks, but never succeeds.
Then, suddenly he sees a beautiful girl. The most beautiful girl the man has ever seen. The girl, who is also surviving in the desert, waves to the man. The man waves back and they meet. The girl hasn't drunk any water for two days, so she asks the man for some water. The man however hesitates because he hasn't much water left. To convince the man, the girl says if she gets a bottle of water, she will do everything the man wants. While the man still craves for sex...
So, the man decides to give the girl a bottle of his water. The girl thanks the man very much and starts drinking the water. Once the girl is hydrated, she says that she will do everything the man wants her to do.
The man says: "I hope I don't ask too much, but will you please hold that camel for two minutes?"
Well folks, we made it. That's 42 consecutive Thursday updates for the year; 10 more to go til the Christmas break. When you think of it like that, it's practically here. Matter of fact why wait? Let's all just call it now and head for the nearest beach or pub for the next 12 weeks. Me = an ideas man.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. Don't be the only one who hasn't.
-Next update will be next Thursday. God willing or won'ting.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will ghost you... because he's a narcissist and thinks that's how he can hurt you.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and frosty. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2020.10.08-18.08
Welcome to guarantees not guaranteed.
I've flown the coop this week so busted some nuts to get everything done and dusted ahead of time. After all, I couldn't live with myself leaving you guys Orsm-less for a week. What it means though is literally anything could, and probably has, happened in the world since now/then and my words would be like 6 plays behind. Like if I shared my thoughts about The Donald's COVID diagnosis and what I think is about to go down... but forward already happened... and Putin's getting sworn in as the next U.S. President in about 39 minutes... well I'd sound a bit silly. Of course that's never happenedbefore thugh. Folks, lets do the update. It is marvellous; splendid even. Check it...
My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for the paramedics to give him a blood transfusion. As he was dying, he kept insisting "be positive" but it's hard without him.
--
A fat woman and a skinny woman were sitting together at a restaurant. "Men prefer thin women" said the skinny woman. "Really? Did your boyfriend tell you that?" said the fat one. "No, your boyfriend told me that!"
--
The wife said to me last night. "If you turn the bedside lamp off, I'll take it up the arse". Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first...
--
Australia were playing New Zealand at the MCG at the end of a very bad summer season. The phone rang in the Australian dressing room. "This is Mrs Trevor Chappell calling from Sydney. Would I be able to speak to my husband?" The bloke who answered said "I'm sorry but you've just missed him. He's just gone in to bat". She said "That's fine. I'll hold".
--
An elderly man in Louisiana owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked". Holding the bucket up he said "I'm just here to feed the alligator".
--
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole". The grandfather replies "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole". The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars". The grandfather replies "I know. That's from your Grandma".
--
Dave's best friend passed away recently. Grieving before his grave he said "Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?" A month later, Dave's wife gave birth to a boy. As his child grew older each day, he realised he looks a lot like his best friend. Dave's really happy that his prayer worked.
--
While attending a "Sex, Love & Intimacy - Weekend workshop" Dave and his partner, Ann, listened to the instructor declare "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other". He then addressed the men "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?" Dave leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered "It's Self Raising, isn't it?" The divorce goes through next week.
--
Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking over a bridge. Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings. With a sideways glance, Robbie pulls aside her G-String, and bonks her senseless! He stands back and tells Elton "your turn". Elton bursts into tears. "What's up?" asks Robbie. Elton sobs "My head won't fit through the railings!"
--
My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarms.
My wife has started having the fetish of taking boxing gloves to bed with her. The doctor thinks she's going through the menopause. Personally, I think she's going through a rocky patch".
--
A drunkard stumbled out of the local pub at closing time, just as a nun, dressed in full black habit, was passing by. The drunk reared back and punched the nun square in the jaw, knocking her out cold. A crowd of spectators rushed over and gasped in horror at the unconscious nun. Just then the drunk stumbled forward, pointed a finger at the nun and said... "You're not so tough, batman!"
--
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhoea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhoea". The widow replied "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was".
--
"So" said the doctor "roll up your sleeve for the inoculation". "Can't I have it in my backside?" "Of course you can, but I'll inoculate you first, OK?"
There was a youth who lived in Russia. He was orphaned at the young age of 5. He only had one mother, Mother Russia. With no one to take care of him, he was left to fend for himself. He was poor and worked in the coal mines, to earn a mediocre salary to last him a day or two.
One day after a hard day at work, he walked down a sidewalk. Suddenly, a large signboard caught his eye. The advertisement read: "SWIMMING LESSONS! 10 SESSIONS FOR 100 RUBLES". Reading the signboard, he was motivated to upgrade himself, and learn a new skill, in order to get out of poverty. So for the next few weeks, he worked harder, he worked extra hours, and surpassed all the other miners. After 3 weeks, he had saved enough money for the swimming lessons.
"Alright everyone, we will be learning how to kick" the instructor told the group. "Please do not enter the deep pool... HEY! What are you..." But the youth jumped in the deepest part of the pool and swam like a dolphin. Everyone, including the instructor, stared at him in shock and awe. The youth had a natural talent for swimming, which even he himself did not know about.
After the swimming lesson, the youth, who had even surpassed his instructor without even having any experience, thought "Screw it, I don't have to go for these lessons anymore. I'm too good". He didn't bother going for the rest of the lessons. You see, he was uneducated and didn't think he was wasting his money. So back to the coal mines he went.
Another fine day after another hard day at work, he walked down the same sidewalk. He looked at the signboard again, but this time it read "DIVING LESSONS! 10 SESSIONS FOR 500 RUBLES". "Well! I'm good at swimming, but maybe diving lessons can help me escape poverty!" he thought. So for the next few months, he worked his ass off. Again. Working extra hours and extra hard, after 3 months, he finally earned enough to pay for the diving lessons.
"When you dive, you make sure your body is streamli... HEY! No going over there! That's for expert divers only!" the diving instructor barked. Ignoring the instructor, the youth went up the ladder and went to the highest diving board. It must have been 10 metres high or something like that. "Get down now!" the instructor yelled. He jumped. He must've done a pretty good job, because he didn't make a big splash at all, just a tiny ripple in the pool. The instructor was shocked, because that was some Olympic level shit.
Somehow, the youth had a flair for diving as well. Since he was so good, he didn't bother going to the rest of the lessons. So back to the coal mines he went.
Another fine day, he walked down the exact same sidewalk. But this time, the sign read "GO TO THE LAND OF THE FREE, AMERICA, FOR ONLY 10,000 RUBLES!" Holy shit, he thought, 10,000 rubles was a lot of money. But he was determined to secure his freedom, and escape from poverty. He was going to get that money, no matter what.
It was a rough 3 years. It took blood, sweat and tears, but he managed to get the 10,000 rubles, to get a ticket to get on the damn ship to America.
As he boarded the ship, all the rich people and sailors stared at him in disgust. What was this poor, dishevelled person doing on the cruise? He ignored the stares, because he was very happy that he was going to be free.
And then, something caught his eye. A pool. And a diving board. On the deck. He nearly fainted in shock. "This must be destiny! Why did I go for those swimming lessons? Why did I go for those diving lessons? Everything is coming together!" he thought. There was only one thing he could do now.
He took off all his clothes, excluding his underpants, to protect his dignity.
And then he climbed the ladder.
And climbed.
And climbed.
Finally, he reached the top. The deck seemed to be a mile down. Everyone was craning their necks to look at the guy at the top of the diving board.
This is what I've always been waiting for, he thought. He took a deep breath.
And another deep breath.
And another deep breath.
And just for good measure,
he took another deep breath.
And then he jumped.
He was falling for about 6 seconds, but somehow, he missed the water completely, and straight up slammed down on the deck. He stayed there motionless. A few women screamed; others fainted.
"I'm a doctor!" someone rushed to the scene.
Surprisingly, he stood up, with no more than a scratch. "Don't worry, Sir, I'm fine". He told the doctor with a smile.
A Hippie is walking by and sees a businessman looking over some construction that had been started on a plot of land.
The Hippie is alarmed and exclaims "What are you doing?!"
The businessman responds by saying that this piece of land was bought by his company. The land was good and the foundation was perfect for a storefront, and his crew would be here shortly. The Hippie tells him that he can't build on this plot of land because it's magical! The businessman is skeptical so the Hippie points at the rock on the far side of the land, where the businessman has yet to build anything.
"You see that rock?" "Yeah, so what?" says the businessman. "That rock used to be on the left side of the land. Now it's in the back".
The businessman doesn't get the big deal.
The hippie goes "Well, how do you think that happened?" The Businessman says "Well, obviously someone moved the rock".
The hippie laughs and challenges the businessman to move it. So, they go over to the rock and the businessman gets ready to pick it up. He can't. He tries rolling it, he can't.
As the businessman fails to move this rock, the Hippie tells him "I told you, this plot of land is magical. Only I can move this rock".
The businessman is in disbelief. "How the hell can you move this rock? It's impossible to budge!" The Hippie says "The only way to move the rock is with my orgasm".
The businessman is disgusted. "I don't believe you. This is my land, I don't care about a stupid rock! I'll get someone from my construction crew to move it for me!"
The Hippie just laughs and says "Let me show you!"
The Hippie whips his dick out and starts stroking it. The businessman can't believe the Hippie is doing this, but he can't look away.
Soon the Hippie gets ready to orgasm and the businessman is completely mesmerised now.
As the Hippie cums, the whole ground shakes, it becomes too blurry for the businessman to even see what's happening! But he feels the piece of land rotate 90 degrees. By the time the Hippie finishes cumming, the plot of land has stopped moving and both the Hippie and businessman are on the right side of the land, along with the rock. The businessman is amazed, almost speechless.
The Hippie zips up and says "Do you believe me now?"
The businessman regains his composure and finally says "The foundation was good and the climax had me hooked... but I did not see that plot-twist cumming!"
The Pope gets off a plane at JFK international airport.
He tells the limo driver to get in the back.
"Why?" the limo driver replies. "Because I'm the fucking Pope!" says the Pope.
Next thing you know the limo's going over the Brooklyn Bridge at like 30 over the limit.
Cop pulls him over. Pope rolls down the window.
"Water you whining about?" says the Pope.
Before the Cop can speak he, he goes back to his car, radios his chief "Eh Chief, we got someone drivin' too fast in a caa" "Well did you get his name?" says the Chief. "That's the thing, he's an important guy, should I write him a ticket?" says the cop. Chief says "How important?" Cop says: "Important!"
Chief goes: "Is he more important than the mayor of New York City?" "You betcha" goes the cop.
"How bout the governor?" says the chief "Pshhh the governor ain't shit!" says the cop.
"That Trump guy?" goes the chief. "That's the thing, I dunno" says the cop.
"Well then who the hell is he?!" the chief insists. The cop yells "I dunno Chief but whoever he is, he's got the Pope drivin' for him!"
The chief of a tribe has terrible gas pains that won't go away. They've tried every remedy they know, and nothing is working. Finally, the fastest runner in the tribe agrees to travel outside the forest to a modern city and visit a pharmacy. He takes off running and gets there within an hour, walks up to a pharmacist, and says "Big chief. No fart".
The pharmacist looks at him for a moment, then reaches behind the counter and pulls out a small bottle of pills. He pays for the pills, takes the bottle, and runs back.
The next day, the runner arrives again at the pharmacy. He tells the pharmacist "Big chief. Still no fart".
The pharmacist realises this must be a more serious condition, so he goes in the back and gets something stronger. The runner pays for it and leaves.
The next day, the runner shows up again, looking urgent. He exclaims "Big chief, still no fart!!"
Just as the pharmacist is about it to answer, another man taps the runner on his shoulder "May we speak outside a moment?"
They step outside together and the man continues "I've seen you running back and forth the last few days. I am a shaman that lives just in the woods between your village and this city. I have something that will cure your chief quick. Let's go together and get it".
They both head to the shaman's hut. The shaman hands him a small pouch of powder and says "Just place a little bit of this under the tongue. This will cure your chief fast".
The runner thanks him, takes the pouch, and runs back to his tribe.
The next day, the shaman sees the runner sauntering back, looking dejected. Surprised, the shaman asks "Big chief, no fart? Still?"
But the runner shakes his head slowly and says "Big fart. No chief".
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
"Hi there, I would like to change my name, please" the man says. "I see... why exactly do you want to change your name?" the clerk asked. "Well, I was named after my father but he abandoned us while I was a baby so I don't feel any connection to it". "I understand but we can't change your name without any kind of documentation to request it. But what exactly is your name?" the clerk questioned with suspicion. "My name is John Shit".
John presents a valid ID card.
"Right... hmmm.... do you mind if I speak to my boss? I'll be back in a bit"
A few minutes later "So, I've spoken to my boss and he has agreed that we can change your name right now without needing any documents and for free!" "Wonderful! I've been waiting for this moment for years!" John gleefully exclaimed.
"So what would you like to be called?" "From now on, I want to be called Anthony Shit. I think it sounds quite majestic!"
I mowed the lawn today, and after I'd finished, I sat down with a cold beer. It was a beautiful day and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
The wife walked by and asked me what I was doing? and I said. "Nothing".
The reason I said that, instead of saying 'just thinking darling' was because then she would have asked "About what?"
At that point I would have had to explain to her that men are deep thinkers, which would have led to more questions.
Then I thought about the age-old question of whether giving birth is more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Well, after another beer, and some more thinking, I think I may have come up with the answer.
Getting kicked in the nuts is much more painful than having a baby; and my reasoning is: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say "It might be nice to have another child, but you will never hear a guy say "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts".
A nymphomaniac could never find enough men to satisfy her so she decided to buy her own dildo.
Now she had an old boyfriend who stocked some unique sexual aids and went along to ask him for something extra special". As it happens, I've just had this dildo delivered" he said. "It's from Hawaii and it's got strange powers. All you have to say is "Dildo G-Spot" and it will do the business".
So she took it home, unwrapped it and said "Dildo G-Spot" and the dildo jumped out of the box and up between her legs. It was the most fantastic feeling she'd ever had but when she wanted it to stop, it wouldn't. Her boyfriend hadn't given her the right words to say and she was now feeling very knackered and he was out at work.
"There's only one thing to do" she thought to herself. "I'd better get to the doctor's".
So she jumped in the car and drove as fast as she could to the surgery but on the way a policeman stopped her for speeding.
She explained her predicament, in between having another orgasm, but the policeman looked at her as if she was mad. "If I believed that, I'd believe anything!" he said "Dildo my ass!"
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.
While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Green Bay Packer Tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said "What would you do?" The cabby said "I'd cover his arse up with that blanket before he catches a cold!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
WORK VS PRISON: WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE?
IN PRISON: You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK: You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON: You get three meals a day. AT WORK: You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON: You get time off for good behaviour. AT WORK: You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
IN PRISON: A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK: You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON: You can watch TV and play games. AT WORK: You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON: You get your own toilet. AT WORK: You have to share.
IN PRISON: They allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK: You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON: All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK: You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON: You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out. AT WORK: You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON: There are wardens who are often sadistic. AT WORK: They are called supervisors.
IN PRISON: You have unlimited time to read jokes. AT WORK: You get fired if you get caught.
A retired Jewish man is walking on the beach, when he sees a bottle in the sand. He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie comes out.
The genie promises to grant him one wish.
The man pulls a crumpled map from his pocket and shows it to the genie. He says "Peace in the Middle East, that's my wish".
The genie studies the map, but looks concerned. He hands the map back and says "I'm sorry, sir. I come from the Middle East myself, and these conflicts have been raging since even before my time. Bringing peace to that region is beyond my powers. Do you have another wish?"
The guy thinks and says "Well, I've been married for forty years, and in my whole life I've never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish".
The genie pauses for another moment and then says "Let me see that map again".
A Texan man moves to Alaska to find more oil for his company to drill.
He gets bored one night and goes to a local bar. There he sees a sign which reads "Impossible Challenge: Free beer for life for the winner!"
Out of curiosity he asks the bartender about it "Hey bartender, what's the challenge?" The bartender said "Don't even bother, friend. No one has ever made it past the second challenge, dead or alive".
This piqued the man's interest, so he asked what the challenges were. The bartender described it to him. "First, you have to chug a fifth of Jack Daniel's in under 10 minutes. Second, there's a polar bear outside with a rotting tooth. You have to go pull out it's tooth". The man cuts him off saying "Jesus Christ, dude! What's the third challenge?!" The bartender says "the third challenge is you got to go to the shack behind the bar and have sex with the elderly Eskimo woman until she orgasms".
The man doesn’t even have to think about it and accepts the challenge.
Bartender says "Your fucking funeral, buddy!" and hands him the bottle. He chugs it in no time before drunkenly asking "Okay done... so-so-so... *burp* where's the polar bear?" The bartender gestures to the back door "He's asleep next to the dumpster". The man walks out and the bartender shakes his head solemnly.
The bartender hears the bear roar... and roar and roar... and then silence. He looks at the guy surprised seeing him alive without a scratch. "Damn dude, you got some balls!" the bartender says. In response the man says "Yeah dude, that was tough, but once I got into the motion of it, the bear calmed down. So where's the old Eskimo lady again?" The bartender told him and once again, he was off.
The bartender laughed at the idea that someone might actually complete the challenge. He heard the old lady scream and thought "Wow, he actually fucking did it". The guy comes in and drops something on the bar and proudly yet drunkenly says "Final challenge complete! Here's the old hag's tooth!"
Well fellas and gals that's another superb Orsm update motherfucking done and motherfucking dusted.. and I'm not even here!
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. But, well, oh you know...
-Check out the archives. The best archives in existence.
-Weather permitting, next update will be next Thursday.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will bring you down a peg or two... or three.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and do you wanna suck my nuts? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2020.10.01-19.59
Welcome to good things happening to bad people.
And its Thursday just like that. The same can be said for October too. Only 3 more months left of 2020... at which point we'll be able to wipe the slate clean and put all the shit behind us... like I'm definitely sure things'll be better going forward. Def no chance of second, third or fourth waves... or even new pandemics entirely. Nope. Everything is going to be alllllright. Speaking of shit that's alright, here's a brand-new update. I've worked my nurries off on this bad boy so enjoy it and enjoy it hard. Check it...
Day 19 of the quarantine. My wife called out from the living room and said "Do you have a sharp pain in your chest like someone has a voodoo doll and is stabbing it in the chest?" I said "no". She replied "How about now?"
--
My six-year-old daughter was watching me shave this morning. "Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired. "Because mummy likes me with nice smooth skin" I explained. "Does it hurt?" she asked. "No, not at all" I said "Unless I cut myself". "And then do you put a Band-Aid on?" she asked. "No, I just stick a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts" I told her. "But don't they just fall off?" "No, sweetheart" I replied. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on".
--
Had dinner once with the family and one of the grandkids needed his food cut up, so I whipped out the pocket knife and sliced up the asparagus and meat for him. About 5 minutes later, his mum said "Oh my God! Was that your deer skinning knife??!" "Don't be ridiculous. It's too small for skinning deer". "Thank God". "It's my squirrel skinning knife".
--
A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. However, every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing back down. This goes on for a while, when his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells "You need more tail". The father turns to his son and says "Son, I'll never understand your mother. Yesterday, I told her I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a kite!"
--
A salesman knocks at the door and a young boy answers. The little boy says "Please be quiet, sir. My mother is a prostitute and works all night. She sleeps during the day". The salesman scratches his head and says "Well, I'll be a son of a bitch". The little boy replies "I'm a bastard myself, but I don't go around ringing people's doorbells and telling them about it".
--
A woman was standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off. A homeless drunk stopped and mumbled "If you're about to kill yourself, how about a shag before you go?" The woman was angry and said "No! Sod off you filthy old bastard". The tramp turned to leave and said "No problems, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then".
--
Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher. "Johnny" she said "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?" "My daddy said it" he responded. "Well, that doesn't matter" explained the teacher. "You don't even know what it means". "I do, too!" Little Johnny retorted. "It means the car won't start".
--
After twenty years of uncertainty I've finally been diagnosed with bi-polar illness. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
--
My wife cooks the meanest pasta. Last night it mocked my tiny penis and insulted our ginger son.
--
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy "Son, how old are you?" "Eight" the boy replied. The man continued "Do you know what these are used for?" The boy replied "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four". "Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin. "Yes". the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of that".
--
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall. ''Excuse me, I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'' The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said "Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?" "I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere".
I was squashed up next to a stunning Asian girl on the tube and I could feel myself getting hard. We were that tight together she couldn't help but notice it. "Your cock is very hard, isn't it?" She said to me "Yes, I'm very sorry " I told her "Don't be" she replied "mine is as well".
--
I was home a couple weeks ago and my dogs were in our fenced in back yard doing whatever dogs do when no one is paying attention to them. I'm just watching TV when I hear a knock on the door. I go over and open the door and there's a cop standing there. He says "Hello, I'm Officer Jackson. Have your dog's been in your backyard all day?" I tell him that they've been out there for 2 or 3 hours and ask if everything is okay. He says they received reports of some dogs in my neighbourhood chasing kids on their bikes. He was called to come find the dogs in question. I simply explained to him that it couldn't be my dogs, as neither of them own bikes.
--
I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in. I asked the trainer standing next to me "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there. The trainer looked me over and said "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby".
--
What's the difference between a gay and a microwave? A microwave won't brown your sausage.
There are two trees in the forest; one a birch, one a beech. They have grown up together from saplings to fully grown trees. They always had a healthy rivalry going, arguing about everything from the weather to the composition of the soil.
In their older years a little sapling started to sprout between them and the birch said:
"Hey, I bet you that's the son of a birch".
"No sir, you are mistaken. That is the son of a beech".
This went on back and forth for years, son of a birch, son of a beech. Until one day a woodpecker flew up to the top of the beech tree and started pecking.
The beech tree said "Hey woodpecker, could you do us a favour? Me and Mr. Birch have a bet about that sapling down there. Could you check it out and tell us if it is a son of a beech, or a son of a birch".
The woodpecker replies "No problem. I can figure this out for you guys!"
The woodpecker flies down to the sapling, pecks at it for a minute, and flies up to the beech tree.
The beech asks "So, what's the verdict? Is it a son of a birch, or a son of a beech?" The woodpecker replies "I don't know what all your fuss was about, but that was the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in".
When Harriet had been declared missing, Jeffrey Pritchett knew things had gotten far out of hand.
"Did she find out about him and Angela? Where was she? What had she done?" thought Jeff, when the police arrived.
Unable to provide any satisfactory replies to them, he became the primary suspect and spent the night in jail.
The next morning, in court, matters were made worse when witness after witness came to the stand testifying to all sorts of horrible threats that the accused made to his wife.
Finally, Jeff's lawyer got up to the stand. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have something quite exciting to tell you. If you would all please direct your attention towards the door behind me on my left, you will see the supposedly dead woman walk in on her own two feet".
There was a loud murmuring in the courtroom as all eyes turned towards the door.
After a few seconds of anxious waiting, the lawyer said "To be honest with you, nobody is going to be walking through the door. However, the fact that your eyes all turned towards the door makes it quite obvious that you are not sure beyond the shadow of a doubt about my client's guilt".
Pleased with his closing statement, the lawyer contentedly sits back for the verdict.
To his surprise however, the jury decided that the man was guilty.
"But how could you say that he is guilty? Didn't I prove it to you?" questioned the lawyer.
"It is true that we all turned towards the door" one old lady explained "but there was person who didn't".
"Who's that!?"
"Your client!"
BELIEVE ME, GUYS - GIRLS GETTING READY TO GO OUT IS THE BEST THING YOU'LL SEE TODAY 😍
GIRLS GETTING READY TO GO OUT previously: #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
A tourist gets pulled over by a cop in Russia.
Cop: "You were speeding! I am going to confiscate your driver's license and I'm calling for a tow truck to take away your car".
Tourist: "But I need to get to the airport and the car is a rental!"
Cop: "I don't care".
Tourist: "Please be reasonable, you can't do this!"
Cop: "Well, you can file an appeal. Here write it on this paper, but it has to be in Russian".
Tourist: "But I don't know any Russian!"
Cop: "Not my problem".
The tourist takes the piece of paper and starts pacing around the car. In desperation, he takes a $50 bill out of his wallet, wraps it in the paper and hands it to the cop.
Cop: "I see you already wrote half of the appeal! And you said you didn't know any Russian!"
As he's walking a ridge he sees a large brown bear in the thick brush below. He takes aim, fires and the bear drops into the underbrush. The hunter climbs down the rocky face of the ridge in search of his quarry.
As he is skulking around, he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns and the bear snatches his rifle and pushes him to the ground.
"You missed me. Forest law says that I am now allowed to eat you. However, if you would prefer to live, I could fuck you in the arse and let you go?"
The hunter thinks it over and opts for sodomy. The bear obliged and leaves with the rifle.
The next day the hunter is thinking it over and decides to go back to that ridge and kill the bear for this atrocity. So, he gets a bigger gun and sets out.
After a few hours he spots the bear in the valley, aims, and fires. This time the bear lets out a roar as he falls into the brush. The hunter runs down to confirm the kill and as he is pushing through the brush, he feels a tap on his shoulder.
"You missed me. What's it gonna be?" As the hunter is readying himself for the afterlife, he thinks of his friends and his dog and decides he wants to live. So the bear fucks him, takes his gun, and runs off.
The next day the hunter is thinking it over and he just can't let the bear get away with this. So he gets a grenade and suits up in camouflage. He knows the bear will expect him to be on the ridge so he heads straight for the valley and waits. He waits for a while when he feels a tap on his shoulder...
"Mate, I don't think you're coming out here for the hunting"...
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise...
BUMP... BUMP...
Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly... it was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster...
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him.
Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair. Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase...
The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges.
The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.
In a last-ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet. He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin... still it came...
BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH...
He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it... still it came...
BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH...
He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it... still it came...
BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH...
He grabbed some Vick's cough mixture and threw it... the coffin stopped.
A rich woman wants to commission a well-renowned artist to paint a portrait of her. She arranges to meet with him to discuss terms.
She tells him "Money is no object, but I have only one condition. I want you to paint me in the nude".
This takes him a bit by surprise, as he is a married man "Uh, I apologise ma'am, but I don't think I can agree to that-"
"I'll pay you ten thousand dollars!" she interrupts him.
Again, he is taken aback and considers "Well... let me ask my wife first, and if she consents then we have a deal".
They agree and he goes home.
The next day, the artist returns. He gives the lady the verdict "All right, my wife says it is fine, but you'll have to let me keep my socks on so I have somewhere to wipe my brushes".
An old man and his wife were getting on a bit, the old man's hearing had gone a while ago but now things had stopped working downstairs. The wife said to him "Gerald" for that was his name "Gerald, I have womanly needs, you need to go to doctor, maybe we can get you some Viagra".
"What?" replied Gerald "Doctor!" shouted his wife...
So later that day at the doctor's office. The wife explains the marital problem that poor Gerald is having.
"Hmm this is serious" said the doctor.
"What?!" asked Gerald "He said it's serious!" replied the wife.
The doctor continued "I am going to need to do some tests. I need a the full works; a blood sample, a urine sample, a faecal sample and a sperm sample".
"What he say?!" asked Gerald....
The wife replied "HE NEEDS YOUR UNDERPANTS!"
PERVING ON MUMS - THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED TO BE DOING RIGHT NOW
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Three little old nuns are attending a church service in Rome when, in a freak accident, a giant crucifix falls from the old plaster wall and kills them.
When they arrive at the Pearly Gates Saint Peter says "I'm SO sorry, Sisters, that was a freak accident and wasn't supposed to happen "Unfortunately, your Earthy bodies were too horribly mangled for us to just send your souls back, but we do have a protocol for cases like yours. What we do is, we let you choose a person on Earth. You get to inhabit their body, but unfortunately, it's only for six months".
"Okay, Sister Giuseppina, you first. Who would you like to return as?" "Sophia Loren" says Sister Giuseppina.
Saint Peter types into his workstation for a few seconds and Sister Giuseppina disappears in a puff of smoke.
"Okay, Sister Lucrezia, you're next. Who would you like to be?" "Gina Lollobrigida" answers Sister Lucrezia. Again, Saint Peter types on his keyboard, and Sister Lucrezia disappears in a puff of smoke.
"Sister Benedetta. Who would you like to return as?" "Sarah Pippolini" she says.
Saint Peter types for a few seconds, frowns, and types some more. "I'm sorry, Sister, I'm not getting a match for anyone with that name".
"Sarah Pippolini, Sarah Pippolini!" the little old nun cries imploringly, shaking a newspaper under Saint Peter's nose.
Saint Peter takes the newspaper and reads it.
"No, you see, Sister "Saint Peter explains. "This says, the Sahara Pipeline was laid by twelve thousand men in six months!"
Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.
One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"
The silver-haired Marcie looked up to see a distinguished-looking, white-haired gentleman and replied "Why certainly" and moved over gently to give him room to sit down.
For the next two hours, the two sat and talked about everything. They discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the same big band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had had long, happy marriages, had lost their spouses during the previous year, and in general agreed about almost everything.
Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly "Ma'am, may I ask you two questions?" With great interest and anticipation, Marcie replied "Why certainly!"
The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and spread it out on the ground before her. He very gingerly got down on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes.
"Marcie, I know we've only known each other for a couple of hours, but we have so much in common. I feel I have known you all my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?"
Marcie grabbed at Jimmie's hands and said "Why, yes, I will marry you! You have made me so very happy!" She reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek. Then Marcie said "You said you had two questions to ask me. What is the second question?"
Jimmie scratched his neck and said "Will you help me get up?"
Tim goes to his doctor for his annual physical while sitting in the examining room he notices a large machine with a lot of lights and buttons looking more complicated than the space shuttle cockpit.
The doctor walks in and explains that this new machine can diagnose every possible ailment with just a urine sample.
Tim produces the sample the doctor puts it into the machine. After a few moments of flashing lights and whirring noises the machine produces a small printout.
The doctor informs Tim that he has tennis elbow.
"Tennis elbow? That's ridiculous! I have never even played tennis, doc. I think your machine is broken!"
The doc explains that this machine is very accurate but if Tim would like to submit another sample tomorrow, that would be alright.
So the doctor gave Tim a sample cup to bring home to make it easier.
On his way home Tim got really angry about the whole thing, pissed off at the whole notion that a machine could replace a doctor so he decides to teach this doc and his machine a lesson.
He gets home and has his wife and daughter pee in the cup. He pees in the cup, somehow he even gets the family dog to pee in the cup! He takes the dipstick out of his car and swirls that in the cup, and to top it off Tim rubs one out into the cup!
The next day Tim feeling father smug watches as the doctor puts the sample in the machine. He laughs to himself as all the lights and noises are going on and when the printout surfaces he braces himself for the win that is coming.
"So what's the verdict?" "Well you're overdue for an oil change, your daughter is pregnant, your wife has gonorrhoea, your dog has worms and if you don't stop jerking off that tennis elbow is never going away!"
Well folks, if you're reading this it means *I* AM ARE ALL *THE* DONE! Hopefully you dudes enjoyed surfing it as much as I enjoyed spening an insane amount of hours on it.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there... when I get around to posting stuff that is..
-Check out the archives. They'll take you places you didn't know were possible.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Coming to you live from... somewhere far, far away.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will have your children sent to America... to learn about politics.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ??. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
![[Masks] Another Dickhead Anti-Masker](/thumbs/[masks]-another-dickhead-antimasker.jpg)
![[masks] Hooking Up In 2020](/thumbs/[masks]-hooking-up-in-2020.jpg)
![[masks] She's Deeply Offended Being Asked To Mask Up](/thumbs/[masks]-shes-deeply-offended-being-asked-to-mask-up.jpg)
![[masks] Anti-Maskers Going Full Retard](/thumbs/[masks]-anti-maskers-going-full-retard.jpg)
