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| orsmupdate 2013.10.31-19.10 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. This is not a Halloween update.
... and that's because despite what supermarkets, various retailers and the tiny-minded would have us believe, this is not America and Halloween isn't a thing here. How long until we celebrate 4th of July or even Ramadan? WHEN WILL THE MADNESS END!?
Moving on. This isn't a sad and depressed rant - there's definitely some comic value in it all... it would be funny if there weren't. Not sure if my tactic of trying go with the constant stream of bad/annoying/upsetting crap that's gone on in my world over the last year is helping me in any way. The rationale being not to let it get to me because things could be worse but for fuxake... if things don't stop fucking up at some point then I'm going to run out of things that can fuck up.
I've looked on gobsmacked the last few days as a friend got a new car, won an all-expenses paid holiday to the other side of the world [same city as her sis just happens to live in] and then score a $500 bonus from work just because. Don't get me wrong - I'm very happy for her but meanwhile my car has fucked itself to the tune of $1500 and counting, Fleetwood Mac [my all-time favourite band] cancelled the tour which I've been hanging out and talking about constantly for months oh and a chance to make a pretty significant change was snatched from right under me. Let's not forget the fucking magpies singing literally all night long RIGHT outside my bedroom window. Sleep deprivation - its a motherfucker.
One of the positives however is the arrival of spring. The weather has been gloriousing itself for a while but only lately has it truly awesified with yesterday the hottest October day in over 4 decades. Had been looking forward to that although summer is going to be a struggle in this house. I refuse to use the a/c because its huge system designed to cool a large area and costs a fortune to run so that'll be interesting. The plan is to tough it out but we all know once the temp gets into the high 30's that cold air will be switched on faster than you can say "No fatty don't!!"
Alright lets run through everything else beginning with Friday night. The stars aligned because I somehow found myself at home solo with my choice of viewing. That never happens. Went with R.I.P.D. which fucking sucked and fell asleep half hour in anyway. Total wasted opportunity.
For the last 18 months I've meaning to get along to my nieces swimming lessons and that's how Saturday begun. Surprisingly very entertaining too. Amongst the various activities they float a big piece of foam in the middle of the pool and the 2 year olds have to walk across it before diving in and swimming to their parent. Fascinating seeing each kids completely different style of accomplishing the feat. Everything from run then dive head first to crawl and carefully ease backwards without getting their head underwater. Something to do with risk taking behaviour.
Following the shenanigans I was talked into taking the aforementioned niece for the rest of the Saturday. Has been a while since I had any QT with her so zipped over to collect the nappy bag, install the baby seat and off we went. Had noticed some signs around our area for a school fete. Nothing unusual about that except it was the primary school I'd spent 7 years of my childhood attending. Curiosity got the better of me so we walked over for a look. Have been living kinda nearby for the past 7 months but had stayed away, mostly to avoid bumping into any old teachers and the awkward "I run a porn website for a living" conversation. Long story short I spotted 3 of them. It's been a long time since I left there so weird to see them still alive and kicking. As a 12 year old they were all 'oldies' but strangely now realise they weren't actually that old back then at all. Niece had a good time too - we were there close enough to the end that a giant bag full of toys and a buttload of playdough only cost $5. Favourite uncle status reaffirmed.
Don't know how it happened but that night magically freed up once again - GF out and about I had my choice of viewing. Went with Pacific Rim which fucking sucked and fell asleep half hour in anyway. Total wasted opportunity. Rinse, repeat.
Kicked off Sunday with an 8.5km walk along the coast. Could not have asked for a better day except for the god damn flies. By the end I actually had sore arms from swatting so much. Home for a shower and on the road to visit my gran. 2 minutes down the road my poor car had a brain fart. Lights on the dash flashing, beeps were emanating and an ominous 'contact dealer' message appeared. Haven't seen that one before. Managed to get it home and swap cars, visit gran and then went on to meet friends for lunch. Rest of the day was spent hanging around the house and trying to fix the car. It's been at the mechanics since Monday. They're saying its some transmission control thingy. Probably could have handled that but there's now a problem with a leaking battery that's completely fucked a whole bunch of wiring. I honestly think the previous mechanics sabotage shit to get themselves more work. Dodgy cunts.
Okay that's about it. Probably could have shortened that down but fuck it. Actually running ahead of schedule this week. Anyway... check it...
Theft Punk - Make It Stop - Just Insane - Food-gasm - Impressive - Wild Twerk - Don't Judge - Flawless - Decline
Pipi Sextape - Suck Shit - Heroic - F-ing Japs - Fiiight!! - Dirty Squirts - Tits Out - Big Mouthed - Stugots
Dead Celebs - Haggard Hel - Throat Vaj - Normal Sex - Idiota - Space Dildo - Fantasy Fuck - Swimsuit FTW
I woke up this morning, got dressed and went into the kitchen, where my wife was already fixing breakfast. I looked to see what she was cooking, and I see one of my socks in the frying pan. "What are you doing?" I asked her. She said "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk". Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking to myself "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock".
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Due to solar radiation, the flag left on the moon in 1969 is now completely white. Now everybody will think the French got there first!!
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Personnel Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?" Old Man: "Honesty". Personnel Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness". Old Man: "I don't really give a shit what you think"
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My daughter asked me "How did you and Mummy get together?" I said "I was eating in a restaurant when this beautiful woman walked straight past me and caught my eye. I knew straight away that I wanted to marry her". She said "Then what happened?" I said "She wasn't interested so I ended up with your mother instead"
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting Flies" he responded. "Oh! Killing any?" she asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females" he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".
ORSM VIDEO
STRANGE SUPERSTITIONS AND OLD WIVES TALES
-You must get out of bed on the same side that you get in or you will have bad luck.
-Many people believe that washing dishes and doing laundry on New Year day will lead to a death in the family. And most of them even do not wash their hair thinking it unlucky.
-Hold your breath while going past a cemetery otherwise you will breathe in the spirit of someone who has recently died.
-It's bad luck to let someone rest their foot on your chair while gambling. If anyone tries, it's customary to challenge them to a gunfight
-It's good luck to wear an article of dirty clothing when sitting down to gamble.
-Seeing an ambulance is very unlucky unless you pinch your nose or hold your breath until you see a black or a brown dog.
-It is said that if you are out fishing and stop to count the number of fish you have caught at any time you will not catch anymore that day.
-The ancient Greeks used to believe that if you had sex while a North wind was blowing you would produce a male child. A Southern wind would produce a female child.
-It is bad luck to light three cigarettes with the same match.
-After the famous Battle of Waterloo many people were afraid to wear or grow violets because they had been Napoleon's favourite flower.
-If you bite your tongue while eating it is said to mean that you recently told a lie.
-If your right nostril is itching a female visitor is coming to see you or if it is left nostril a male visitor.
-It's bad luck to walk under a ladder. This superstition came from an early Christian belief that a leaning ladder formed a triangle with the wall and the ground. By walking through a triangle it is said that you violate the Holy Trinity.
-A knife placed under the bed during the childbirth will ease the labour pains.
-In some parts of Britain it is said that eating the tongue of a dog will cure your ulcers.
-The settling down of swarm of bees on the roof indicates that the house will burn soon.
-It is believed that kissing at midnight on New Year's Day increases the affections and attachments that will continue throughout the year.
-If you catch a falling leaf on the first day of autumn you will not catch a cold all winter.
-To wear new clothes on the Easter Sunday brings good luck.
-If a dead person's eyes are left open he or she will find someone to take along with him.
-Evil spirits can't harm you when you stand inside a circle.
-If a pregnant woman steps over a grave this ensures an early death for her child.
-In sports there is something called the playoff beard which means that players on a team will not shave until there team is either eliminated or they win.
-Pick a dandelion that has gone to seed. Take a deep breath and blow the seeds into the wind. Count the seeds that remain on the stem. That is the number of children you will have.
-If you keep a spider in a walnut shell and place it around your neck it will act as a repellent against a plague.
-A horseshoe hung in the bedroom will keep nightmares away.
-In baseball you should never talk about a no hitter game that is currently going on because it could jinx it.
-It is said that if you don't cover your mouth when you yawn then you may be letting evil spirits into your body.
-If a mirror in the house falls and breaks by itself, someone in the house will die soon.
-In England it was once a custom to pass a newly born baby through the rind of a cheese.
-Cutting of fingernails on Friday or Sunday bring bad luck.
-It is believed that the direction of wind during the sunrise on New Year's Day decides the luck for the coming year. Wind from east predicts natural calamities and wind from west predicts wealth but death of a person of great national importance. Wind from south predicts prosperity and wind from north predicts bad weather. No wind means prosperity and joy throughout the year.
-There is an old tradition in England that bread which is baked on Christmas Eve will never go mouldy.
-Many Native American tribes considered owls to be symbols of good luck, prosperity, and long life.
-A British superstition says that if you carry an acorn somewhere on yourself it will prevent you from growing old.
-To dream of a lizard is a sign that you have a secret enemy.
-It is said that if another woman is having problems conceiving then all she had to do to ensure success was to hug a pregnant woman.
-Finding a Cricket in your house brings good luck.
-Twitching of left eye signifies a death in the family.
-A wedding ring should absolutely never be dropped during the ceremony because this will bring bad luck, and whichever of the couple dropped the ring will be the first to die.it is equally important that neither of the couple picks up a dropped ring. The person preforming the ceremony should do it.
-Hold your breath when you pass by a graveyard or you may breathe in the spirit of someone recently buried.
-If a broken clock suddenly chimes in the house there will be a death in the family.
-Don't bury a woman in black or she will return to haunt the household.
-If you dream of a birth, someone in the family will die.
-It is still common belief that the wedding ring shouldn't be removed once it is put on.
-A bird in the house is a sign of a death.
-At slot machines, touch the seat to see if it's still warm, and only play if it is.
-Dropping an umbrella on the floor means that there will be a murder in the house.
-Pictures of an elephant bring luck, but only if they face a door.
-If you spill salt throw some over your left shoulder to hit evil spirits in the eye.
-If a ferret, stoat or weasel jumps over the tummy of a pregnant woman then the child will be born with a birthmark.
-Breaking a mirror brings bad luck for seven years. To prevent it, you should run the pieces in a stream.
-If a robin flies into room through a window, death will shortly follow.
-A dog howling at night when someone in the house is sick is a bad omen.
-If cows lift their tails it is an indication of the coming rain.
-If the buried person was good, flowers will grow on his/her grave. If the person was bad or evil, weeds will grow.
-Wear a blue bead to protect yourself against witches.
-If you pull out a white hair, ten more will grow in its place.
-If you are not getting married, never wear white to a wedding or you will bring bad luck to the bride.
-Wearing blue is bad luck for actors, though it's okay if it's worn with silver.
-In the theatre, a yellow clarinet in an orchestra will bring disaster.
-Don't walk over someone why they are laying on the ground because it will stop them from growing taller.
-You should spit on the new baseball bat before use to make it lucky.
-If a black cat walks towards you it will bring good luck. If it walks away from you it takes away your good luck.
-Never take a broom along when you move. Throw it out and buy a new one.
-If three people are photographed, the middle person will die first.
-The sudden falling of a comb while combing your hair is an indication of coming disappointment.
-A loaf of bread should never be turned upside down after a slice has been cut from it.
-It was once thought that if a woman wanted her child to be fair skinned she should look at a corpse.
-If 13 people sit down to eat together, one of them will die before the year is over.
-"Ladybug ladybug fly away home" was said to the ladybugs instead of killing them because they represented the Virgin Mary.
-Rub a penny on a wart and it will disappear.
-Use white cotton thread to tie a knot for each wart. Bury it, and when the string rots, so too will your wart.
-In Europe they say that if you have small ears it means you are a mean person, but if you have large ears you will have a generous nature.
-Leaving your shoes upside down or upon the table is considered as bad luck.
-Many people believe that if they wear new clothes on New Year Day they will receive more new garments during the year.
-People wear red coloured clothes as they believe red is symbolic to happiness and bright future.
-If you see three butterflies together they will bring good luck.
-Before slicing a new loaf of bread, make the sign of the cross on it.
-A person who dies on Good Friday or midnight on Christmas Eve will go straight to heaven.
-If a friend gives you a knife, you should give him a coin, or your friendship will be severed.
-They say if you drop a scissors on the floor you lover is being unfaithful.
-People believe that loud noise scares the devil which is why New Year's is celebrated with as much noise as possible. In many countries church bells rung at mid night for this reason.
-If the first butterfly you see in the year is white, you will have good luck all year.
-Welsh coal miners used to believe that if they washed the coaldust from their backs it would weaken their spines.
-Babies born on 1st January is considered to be the luckiest persons throughout their lives.
-In Damascus yo-yo's were once banned because the people thought that they were causing a drought.
-When travelling it's a good idea to wear a St Christopher Medal. It is supposed to keep you safe.
-All windows should be opened at the moment of death so that the soul can leave.
-Scottish lore says to keep a knife under your pillow to avoid having fairies carry you off while you sleep.
-Step on a crack, break your mothers back.
-Think of a list of names of people you would consider marrying, then take an apple and twist the stem while reciting the names. Whoever's name you call out when the stem breaks is the one you will marry.
-Eat some cherries and keep the pips. Count the pips while calling out the following - tinker, tailor, soldier, sailor, rich man, poor man, beggar-man, thief, doctor, lawyer, Indian Chief- when you reach the last pip, you'll know the occupation of your future husband.
-Cut an apple in half and count the seeds to find out how many children you will have.
-If a young girl sees a sparrow on Valentine's Day she will marry a poor man and she will be very happy. If she sees a goldfinch, she will marry a millionaire.
-If you ever drop a black ace on the floor while playing cards, quit the game. If you happen to drop the black ace and it falls on a mirror and breaks it, buy life insurance.
-If a clock which has not been working suddenly chimes, there will be a death in the family.
-It is said that the luckiest things for you to find are horseshoes, four-leaf clovers and teeth.
-If you kill the bee which is trying to enter into your home, you will have bad luck.
-If you mention something terrible or that you wouldn't want to happen, knock on wood.
-An acorn at the window will keep lightning out
-You should never start a trip on Friday or you will meet misfortune.
-If you dream of running there will be a big change in your life.
-If an unborn child kicks on the left-hand side of the womb it is a boy and if on the right-hand side, it is a girl.
-Parsley should be picked and never cut and it should be grown from seed and not transplanted... and under no circumstances should you give it away or bad luck will fall upon you.
-Sage will grow well in the garden of a woman who dominates her husband.
-Hold a buttercup under your chin and if there's a yellow reflection on your skin, it means you like butter.
-Sandalwood, ylang ylang, jasmine, and vanilla are very effective for attracting males.
-Garlic wards off vampires.
-The number of X's in the palm of your right hand denotes the number of children you would have.
-Do not buy your husband shoes or he will walk right out of your life.
-If a rat runs around the feet of a pregnant woman this is very bad luck.
-The Indians from Peru, South America used to wash their babies in llama urine to ward off evil spirits.
-It's bad luck to leave a house through a different door than the one used to come into it.
-Pointing at a funeral procession will cause you to die within a month.
-If your hand itches it means that you are going to run into some money.
-If your ear itched in the inside, someone was talking about you.
-Keeping a hat on the bed causes bad luck.
LOVE THAT FUCKING THIGH GAP |
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A guy goes to see his doctor about a problem that he has. Once in the surgery, the doc asks the guy what is wrong with him. The guy replies "well doc, you see I've got this problem and it's really quite embarrassing". "Go on" says the doctor. "Well" continues the guy "I've got an orange penis!" "Never!" says the doctor "I'm sorry but I don't believe you".
So the man pulls down his trousers and underpants, 'whips it out' and sure enough there for all to see is a bright orange penis. "Well I never" says the doc. "This is a form of a rash that I have seen in other parts of the body, but never 'there', and it's normally caused by great amounts of stress in a person's life - can you tell me about your work life?"
The guy replies "Well, I got sacked two months ago..". "Ah!" says the doctor "so that must be the problem". "Well I don't think so" replies the guy "I really hated my last job - the hours were terrible, the work was boring and my boss was a total prick. Now I've got a new job with better pay, better hours, it's interesting and my boss is cool".
"Okay" says the doc "So that isn't the problem. What about your home life?" To this the guy replies "Well, I'm currently going through a divorce from my wife". "Ah!" says the doctor "so that must be the problem". "Well I don't think so" replies the guy "She was a real bitch, my ex-wife. All she did all day was nag, nag, nag - I'm so glad to be rid of her".
"Okay" says the doc "So that isn't the problem. What about your social life?" To this the guy replies "err... well I don't really have one - most nights I just stay home, watch porn and eat Cheetos..."
ORSM VIDEO
A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.
Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologises for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you".
Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the lawyer sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive". "Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!"
The lawyer is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy... but I only lived to be forty".
"That's simply impossible son" says Saint Peter. "We've added up your billing hours".
CHANGING ROOM SELFIES |
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A young Navy Officer was in a bad car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing three Master Chiefs for the Command Master Chief position. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him "Do you notice anything different about me?" The Master Chief answered "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I need to know whether this impacts your hearing on that side". The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear". The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with a Seabee Master Chief. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the other two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the Seabee Master Chief said "Yes. You wear contact lenses".
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Master Chief. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked. The Seabee Master Chief replied "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one fucking ear".
BABY SWING THAT AXE |
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READER MAIL
Got something Orsm-worthy? Submit it! If your shit is good enough it'll be featured on the main page and then archived for eternity. On the Orsm hit list are pics of your terrible ex-girlfriend, tasty current girlfriend, jokes, funny videos and pretty much anything else you can stick to an email and send my way. To make it happen all you must do is click here.
Fisheyebass wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Amarillo Texas Restaurant Is Moving... And Boy Is He Pissed!!
Nothing like a humble exit... -Orsm |
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Jamie wrote:
Subject: Joker pumpkin
You liked my Ron Swanson pumpkin two years ago. Here is my attempt this year: Jack Nicholson's Joker. No filter, no Photoshop. Just stuck it over a lamp. Hope you like it! Thanks! |
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Hilton wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Hide details please.
Why boobs were invented - targets. -Orsm |
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Fiscal Cliff in US
and that is the best explanation ever for the USA, probably the best explanation you will ever see anywhere, just so much common sense, I know, the morons in the government don't have that luxury, especially Numb Nuts-In-Chief |
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Phillip wrote:
Subject: reader mail contribution
hey joogs, I was just having crib with a few mates while they were blasting and didn't realise Paul McCartney is one of the 'victims' on our new smoking packs.
See what smoking does to you? -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: ya.. keep my details hidden please
here is a fun pic of a girl I know.. her ex sent me this picture.. she is 26 in this photo and she has fucked literally everyone i know.. please do NOT post my details.. I've been a fan of this site for years.. I have much more to show in the future.. Keep on killin' it Mr. ORSM!!!! BOOM!
Shapely. -Orsm |
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Justin wrote:
Subject: SWISS INNOVATION ...
To keep Muslims off trams. |
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wade wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Hellboy tribute......
The longer I look at this the less sense it makes. -Orsm |
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Greg wrote:
Subject: Emailing
G'day ORSM. don't like your new RS format but thought you might like this. HOW TO PUSH A FORD WITHOUT SLIPPING. |
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Brian wrote:
Subject: I think I found your primary school photo
I'm 99% sure that's you in the back row, right hand side.
Spot the ADHD kiddie. -Orsm |
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Marcus wrote:
Subject: Stolen Wheels
3 month old car damage 1 night in hamburg/germany :(
Positive from every negative... at least this is an excuse to upgrade to 22's. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Saw these and took pics for you I didn't attach last time so here they are for sure hold information sorry |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Facebook find
Found these browsing facebook. No details plz.
I'm fairly certain FB doesn't allow porn but whatevs. -Orsm |
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Do you know what these things are?
The wording at the bottom is so true, and our children will never know that freedom. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Find
Howdy Mr Orsm. Found a usb at the Geraldton airport with some interesting stuff on it, know the dark haired girl lives not far from Gero and is on a couple of dating sites. Will forward some more after I have a good look :) Usual mate please hide the email address.
Terrible, terrible tits. -Orsm |
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Yao wrote:
Subject: Pics for you
On the internet she just called the "Aussie Girl" but folder on repaired hard drive was named "Michelle", also had pics of the guy who brought the system in too so I think she is his GF or Ex
She looks like a twit. -Orsm |
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Kel wrote:
Subject: The Spanner Man
How cool is this guy??? He lives near Boort, Victoria, Australia and does it all by himself from a wheel chair. Amazing |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
A few more |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: DO NOT MISS THIS FOR SURE!!!!!!!
ok y'all........ I just listened to this man!! YOU HAVE GOT TO DO THE SAME!!! Please do not miss this preacher talking.... a BLACK PREACHER telling the TRUTH!!!!!!! Everyone needs to hear this!!!! WOW. This is the final chapter on George and Travon. This black preacher tells it like it is. Listen up Al & Jessie |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Sudden
Sometimes one thinks one has the right to become complacent
Life... its a motherfucker. -Orsm |
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Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running".
ORSM VIDEO
Lucky is in the midst of a long dry spell in Las Vegas. Eventually he gambles away all his money and has to borrow a quarter from another gambler just to use the men's room. He finds a stall that happens to be open and pockets the quarter.
Believing that his luck has finally changed, he puts the quarter in a slot machine and hits the jackpot. He takes his winnings and goes to the blackjack table and turns his modest winnings into a million dollars.
Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Lucky goes on the lecture circuit, where he tells his incredible story. He tells his audiences that he will always be eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever finds the man he will share his fortune with him.
After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and says "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the quarter". "Yes, I remember you well, but you aren't the one I'm looking for. I mean the guy who left the door open!"
SURVIVORS OF SEXUAL ASSAULT
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A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands. "At this new bar" he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day Google's it, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes it is" bartender answers. "Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do". "Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do". "What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"
RANDOM SHITE
Seems that the new RS format tested last week was a success - definitely a few of you guys who didn't love it but majority rules so looks like its here to stay. Anyone who wants the old way back simply has to click on the first pic and its how it used to be. I'll also fix the code so you can save pics. Check it fuckers...
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Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered.
Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he started kissing and hugging her I figured 'Sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick - a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it, she got really scared - her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen. I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house! Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats - they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 30 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet".
TYLAR JACOBS SAYS HELLO |
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There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen".
The Mayor started to laugh, realising that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week".
ORSM
VIDEO
Well... I could go on but what would be the point? You have to accept when the update is over and read the following for info on where and how to get more Orsm...
-Check out the site archives else I'll SNAP!
-Next update will be next Thursday. Seventh last for the year. Woohoo.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will rub faeces on all the internal and external door handles of your house.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and just do what I say - okay? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2013.10.24-18.54 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Do you wanna listen to some Hanson?
A lot going on at the moment but what else is new? Actually you might say that the most which could be going on, is going on. Between annoying fuckfaces and house and family and house and this website and house I'm under just about the most pressure I can be. The trick is to juggle it all without letting the stress levels blow. If that happens then some low level erratic behaviour may follow and loved ones might start to think I'm a bit of a cunt. Probably unfortunate more for them than me and particularly lately too now that a binge Sopranos re-watch is underway because apparently my behaviour has changed along with it. My joking aggression has increased [ie. threats to kill have increased], 'g' has been dropped from the end of words [ie. fucking becomes fuckin'] and there's been a strong preference for Italian dishes... and if t don't like it I'll make the hoo-ah dead.
This is kind of standard for me. Immersion has strange outcomes. I remember playing one of the earlier versions of GTA. Maybe Vice City. At the time [in real life] I drove an old piece of shit Land Cruiser and whenever I went out on the roads I had to actively remind myself it was not a game and deliberately shunting idiots out of the way or using the footpath as an entertaining additional lane would have a greater effect on my life than changing my wanted level. The same pitfalls likely await with the planned re-watch of Breaking Bad. Really have to wonder how long before I have to rationalise whether to cook a batch of Blue Sky... or not.
Okay let us move on. Let's skip to Saturday. A few weeks ago when I crapped on about having to load one tonne of cement bags onto a trailer and take them away, you didn't have to be a genius to work out it would come back to bite me. And it did. When the trailer was required elsewhere it was my problem to make it happen. So out of bed at 6, southward to collect the tow car, then past the house build to collect a pallet, then home to unload the cement onto the pallet, hook up the trailer, take it back to whence it came, swap cars and head for home. Two hours all up. Thankfully it was leisure time from there. We organised a thing out in the Swan Valley for a couple of friends' birthdays. To take them out for high tea. So to clarify - the GF organised, I was just a tagalong. There is nowhere in the multiverse that a version of me would suggest lavender flavoured scones. Could almost feel my penis turning into a vagina with every mouthful. The jaunt coincided with Oktoberfest so afterward we stopped at some winery. Chock full of people lapping up the subpar wine and cheese samples. From there it was off to a brewery which was surprisingly deserted. Found a comfy place to sit and hung out for the next few hours eating some non-lavender tainted food and enjoying a pint. Good way to spend a wet and blustery morning and early afternoon.
That night we had a dinner invite from one of the GF's work friends. I don't have many 'work' friends and the ones I do don't live close or for that matter in Australia at all. Long story short, dinner invites from outside immediate friend or fam circles don't really exist for me. So off we went. Just us and them at their house. All very nice and civilised, great food and wine, good conversation, we even said grace. What's strange about that is its the first time I've ever been anywhere that someone said grace. What are you supposed to do here exactly? Just lock fingers together, smile and hope no one says anything.
Early start again Sunday to punch out a walk along the coast before loading the car up with tools and heading off to do stuff at the house. "You just have to reposition two conduits. Simple" he said. Of course these things never are. A hammer, drill, chisel, angle grinder, cable ties and quite a bit of blood and scratches eventually had the conduits moved about 2 inches. We then just had to clean the whole site up and go on our merry ways. Rest of the day was spent chained to the computer ploughing through this very update and ticking off the 7 day work week stat.
Alright I'll stop there. Really could go on for way longer; had way more to cover. We hit milestone points on the house this week plus there's been a whole bunch of other crap going on around me mostly too boring to mention here. We'll just leave it as what you guys are about to consume below is far more titillating than what you've just read through. So with that in mind and perhaps penis in hand... check it...
Freak-o-Lantern - Trainwrecked - Fertilise Eggs - Hypnotic Tits - I'm Sorry - Slammin' Gran - Boat Fails - Cuuurves
Virgin God - Party Trick - I Fapped - Ur An Asshole - DO WANT - Sexy Beast - It's Cheesey - BOOM - I'm Crushed
Fuckable - WHOA-lapse - What A Gal - Squirt Butt - Teen Hottie - Unlucky - Bikini Sluts - Creampied - Big Trouble
Mummy takes little Johnny to the zoo. As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection. "What's that, mummy?" asks the child. "Nothing, Johnny, nothing" says the embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on. A week later Johnny's dad takes him to the zoo and the same thing happens. "What's that, daddy?" he asks. "That, son, is an elephant's penis" his father replies. "Mummy said it was nothing" the lad says. "Your mother's spoilt, son" said his dad.
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After two weeks on a desert island with only each other for company, Bob and Geoff are getting horny. "Look" says Bob "Neither of us are gay, but if you pretend to be a woman for me, when I'm done, I'll pretend to be a woman for you". Geoff reluctantly agrees and suffers 10 minutes of painful humiliation as Bob gives it to him as a male. When it's over, Geoff asks Bob for his go. "Fuck off" Bob replies "I've got a headache".
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Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks "Do you still get horny?" The other replies "Oh sure I do". The first old lady asks "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies "I suck a lifesaver". After a few moments, the first old lady asks "Who drives you to the beach?"
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This morning I was beaten up by a woman. I was in an elevator when this busty woman got in.
I was staring at her boobs, when she said, would you please press 1...? So I did. I don't remember much after the punch hit me.
ORSM VIDEO
THE TIME TO GET FIT HAS COME
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started.
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY
Started my day at 6:00am.Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woohoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!!
WEDNESDAY
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia on both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasal whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap, too.
THURSDAY
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine. The cunt.
FRIDAY
I hate Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little wanna-be-cheerleader queer. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from, you bastard).The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrill voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the freaking Weather Channel.
SUNDAY
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the BASTARD) will choose a gift for me that is fun... like a root canal, a mammogram or a pelvic exam.
AMY BROOKE |
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Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with queenly large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by both the King and Queen as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick...
Moral of the story - Pay your fucking bills!
ORSM VIDEO
DEAR ALCOHOL
I thought I'd take a minute to discuss some troubling factors with you. First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours... your many sides and dimensions are mind-boggling (different than beer goggling, which I'll touch upon shortly.) Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when needed-the perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game... and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately, I've been wondering about your intentions. You see, I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, but I feel that your influence has led to unwise consequences briefed below for your review:
-PHONE CALLS: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity occurs at 5am.
-EATING: Now, you know I love a good meal, though cooking is far from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kebab with chilli sauce couple with a pot noodle and some stale crisps (washed down with chocolate milk and topped off with a couple of chocolate bars) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went a bit too far this time.
-CLUMSINESS: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me I need to do yoga more to increase my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down the stairs. Completely unnecessary. Similarly, it should never take me more than 30 seconds to get the front door key into the lock
-PICTURES: This is a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are heretofore banned from being placed on my head in public: Indian Wigs, Sombreros, Bows, Ties, Boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, bras
-BEER GOGGLES: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not. PLEASE do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. This is similar to the old "Hey, you're in my class" syndrome circa 1996 at SU, and should heretofore be rendered illegal. Coupled with this is the phrase "Let's shag". While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth block that would keep this thought from being a statement, especially in public.
Further, the subsequent hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a little penance for our previous evenings' debauchery may be in order, but the 2pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that if the proper steps are proactively taken on my part (i.e. water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be quite minimal and no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day, for that matter) activities. Come on now, it's only fair - you do your part, I'll do mine.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our relationship for some years now, and want to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when we just don't know what to do with the extra money in our pockets. In order to continue this relationship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday at 5pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership. Thank you for your prompt attention to these matters.
Sincerely - your biggest fan
SEPARATION EFFECT |
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An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar - a man. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out "My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!" The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.
The Irishman calls out "Hey! You!! Are you Jesus?" The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus" he says. The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me". So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.
The Englishman then calls out "Errr... excuse me sir, but would you be Jesus?" Jesus smiles and says "Yes, I am Jesus". The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.
Then the Australian calls out "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?" Jesus nods and says "Yes, I am Jesus". The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a pot of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.
A while later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. "Oh God, the arthritis is gone" he says. The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. "By jove!" he exclaims" The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a miracle!" Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face. The Aussie stands up, starts walking backwards and screams "Fuck off, mate! I'm on workers comp!!"
EMBARRASSED GIRLS |
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READER MAIL
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. He staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink - he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him. The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely - but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
ERIN NICOLE DELIVERS THE PINK |
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A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a Sydney casino when he met up with a striking but quite short and slim young woman.
Sure enough they got on famously and ended up in bed.
The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to the races at Randwick that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.
In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her boobs.
The bloke looked through the race book and found 'Two Abreast' on which he placed $100 at 5-1. It won by two lengths.
In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes. He put the lot on 'Eyeliner' at 10-1 and was then $5000 in front.
In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing her crotch. He backed nothing.
After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races 2 and 4.
"What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?" she asked "It paid a fortune". "Shit!" he said "I thought you were telling me the favourite was scratched!"
ORSM VIDEO
Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah right!" she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him and the woman sleeps soundly.
The next morning he wakes from a drunken stupor and stumbles into the bath room. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says "I don't know where we were Max, or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!"
PEUGEOT 406 TO FERRARI LIMO |
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MARKETING EXPLAINED
The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, most people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing". Here it is:
You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say "I'm fantastic in bed". That's DIRECT MARKETING.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says "She's fantastic in bed". That's ADVERTISING.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed". That's TELEMARKETING.
You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say "May I" and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed". That's PUBLIC RELATIONS.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says "I hear you're fantastic in bed". That's BRAND RECOGNITION.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend. That's a SALES REP.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's TECH SUPPORT.
You're on your way to a party when you realise that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the centre and shout at the top of your lungs "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's JUNK MAIL.
RANDOM SHITE
Testing a different RS formt this week. Love it? Hate it? Lemme know here...
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A very pretty young speech therapist was getting absolutely nowhere with her Stammerer's Action Group. She had tried every technique in the book, but still they stammered and stuttered.
Finally, totally exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and our eyes water".
The Englishman immediately piped up "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham" he said. "That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist "Who's next?"
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "G-g-g-g-g-g-gl-lasgow". "That's no better either, Hamish. Now, how about you, Paddy?"
The Irishman took a deep breath, counted to 5 and eventually blurted out "London". "Brilliant, Paddy!" said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said... "d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".
AS FAR AS BRUNETTE'S GO... YOU'D HIT IT... |
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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer "Ask him where the money is". The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido "Where's the money?" Guido signs back "I don't know what you are talking about".
The lawyer tells the Godfather "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about". The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido "He'll kill you if you don't tell him". Guido trembles and signs back "Okay! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house".
The Godfather asks the lawyer "What did he say?" The lawyer replies "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger".
ORSM
VIDEO
Okay boys, girls, women and children that is me done. I'm outta here. Murder She Wrote. When I'll be back plus a whole bunch of other pertinent info can be found below...
-Check out the site archives. They're the horse cock of the internet.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Just because that's a day that suits me.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will burn the entire state down, destroying hundreds of homes and runing thousands of lives JUST to mess up your day.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and... I'll tell you when you're a bit older. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2013.10.17-19.15 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. This is my boy Leroy.
Do you ever have those weeks where the last, the very very last, thing you want to do is write the blog bit at the top of your update? Welcome to my world. It's not a case of feeling emo or whatever - I just don't have anything particularly interesting to contribute to the world aside from a totally sick update... and that despite feeling a bit fat at the moment [something I imagine to do with being a bit fatter at the moment], a troublesome shoulder and recurrently inexplicably itchy forearm, my health and associated services feel 100%. And just to clarify that - my contribution is not good health, rather that my health is good. Everyone get that..?
So let's start with the house build; bane of my existence. The 2 things dominating a fuckload more of my time than is reasonable are solar and security. Firstly solar - electricity prices are ludicrous and it upsets me every time a bill comes in. The obvious solution is solar and of course there's a kabillion companies offering a kabillion different systems and configurations. You can make enquiries and research like there's no tomorrow but ultimately its impossible to be completely confident you're choosing the right one. Anyway almost a year ago I got a quote from a local company. Everything seemed good, the guy knew what he was talking about, explained things clearly and I'd more or less chosen to go with them... until I dropped back in there last week to engage them. If you've ever looked into it, the solar sales pitch is that the cost of systems is falling frequently. Nuh-ahh! not these guys. Price for the same thing up by a third! "But don't forget as the cost of electricity increases the system will save you even more!" So what happens if the carbon tax is scrapped and the cost goes down? Wankers are so fucking full of shit. There's a mad rush now to suss out who is next best and can deliver something for a price that doesn't make you jump like an unexpected penis is entering your body. All that stands in my way is a buttload of inquiry emails and phone calls from wafflers. Funnily enough I already had to cross a couple off the list for being too stupid. I use Chrome as my browser and in the autofill form function my phone number is stored with a leading +61 instead of 0. This way it works when someone overseas is calling. Whilst I thought +61 is common knowledge, I got emails back saying my number doesn't work and they can't call me. Urgh.
Next frustration, although much less so, was security. I want something kind of basic; if someone breaks in then sirens should sound and maybe a light could flash. Nuh-ahh! "I've added a few things you may want to consider". Suddenly we're talking remote control via the internet, speaker cabling to every room, CCTV, even video intercoms throughout. All very cool but pass, pass, pass and pass. The possibilities for wasting money and destroying budgets are truly endless. I've already got a little project [read: grand plans] to network cable the fucking bejesus out of everything so I can future proof and not rely on Wi-Fi so as long as I have that I'm good.
Moving on to weekend and whatever else. Beginning Saturday which started with best intentions of exercising, we made it almost as far as the coast when the news report said something about a washed up whale carcass. Suddenly I was Ahab - headed north to try and find the blubbery mess apparently providing a banquet for a shiver of sharks but didn't find much except an ominous oil slick and lots of other unsuccessful whale hunters. The carcass washed up hours later and had to settle for TV pictures instead. From there it was hardware store and chiropractor to treat the shoulder ailments. Helping - yes. Fixing - no. Next was an impromptu catch up with friends masquerading as an excuse to punish some dim sum. Rest of the day was deliciously low-key. Fixed a couple of computers and spent the duration working contently before making a guest appearance in the kitchen and enjoying a quiet night in.
Sunday started with some glorious weather, coastal exercise and 6km of 'Are they real or fake?'. Arrived home to find a couple of these bad boys sitting on the kitchen bench, lovingly whipped up by our Asian house mum without even asking. Living the dream. Parked it on the couch watching the end of a movie we'd fallen asleep watching the night before ahead of a grandma visit and a very civilised afternoon tea thingy with friends. All up a relaxing weekend and one I'm happy to repeat anytime the high powers will permit.
Orright fuckers. That jumble of words didn't come out as boring and cunty as I was expecting although, admittedly, that is a subjective and biased opinion. What I'm trying to say is that in my mind I deserve the fucking Nobel Prize in Literature. While we all ponder that let's begin something amazing. Check it...
Sniper - Make It Stop - How Dare You? - Pantsless - GTA5 Awesome - Not To Hot - Niiice Tits - OMG Sorry! - What A Fag
Anal Lez - Splendid Curves - Porn Opera - Got Freaky - So Lucky - Senseless - Cute As! - Body Mods - Busted
Drug Fuct - Emo Slut - Timberrr! - Verbal Diarrhea - Not Cool - Bad Teacher - GrandMILF - Fat Fuck - Nip Slip
Leading drug companies have announced that live rabbits will no longer be used in scientific experiments. Muslims will now be used instead. A top scientist has stated that the advantage of using Muslims is they breed just as fast as rabbits, but you don't get fond of them!
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A man was driving down the road and noticed a woman tied to some train tracks. He gets out, runs over to the girl and unties her then puts her into his truck. Later that day his roommate comes home and he comes out of the bedroom and says: "Dude, you wouldn't believe what happened today. It's been the luckiest day of my life. Absolutely awesome". "What... what? The roommate asks. I found this girl tied to some train tracks and then I brought her home and have been banging her all day".
"Really? No way. Did you get any head?" "No, the train took care of that".
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My girlfriend is getting sick of my yodelling. She says most other men just groan when they ejaculate.
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This lady goes to the gynaecologist but won't tell the receptionist what's wrong with her, just that she must see a doctor. After hours of waiting the doctor sees her in. "Okay lady, what is your problem" the doctor asks. "Well", she says "my husband is a compulsive gambler and every nickel he can get his hands on he gambles. So I had five hundred dollars and I stuffed it in my vagina but now I can't get it out". The doctor says "Don't be nervous. I see this happen all the time". He then asks her to pull down her underwear, sits her down with her legs wide, open puts his gloves on and says "I only have one question. What am I looking for? Bills or loose change?"
ORSM VIDEO
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY
DAY 752: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape and the mild satisfaction I felt from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761: Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair... must try this on their bed.
DAY 765: Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm... not working according to plan.
DAY 768: I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called 'shampoo'. What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771: There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odour of what they call 'pizza'. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of 'allergies'. Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774: I am convinced that the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time...
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY
8:00am: OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:00am: OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40am: OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30am: OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30am: OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00pm: OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00pm: OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30pm: OH BOY! BATH TIME! MY FAVORITE!
4:00pm: OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00pm: OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30pm: OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
UNDERWATER |
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The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!" "Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!" "No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!" "Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"
Once in the boat, they marvelled at the size of the monster. "Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen". "Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?" "Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!" Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.
While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip. "Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!" Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary "Father!" "It's Okay, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is-a Son of a Bitch fish!" "Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?" "Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a Son of a Bitch". Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner. "I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch" she said.
As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing Sister?" "Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishops' dinner". "Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset but please watch your language!" "No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish". "Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch".
On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent. The new Bishop said "This is great fish, where did you get it?" "I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest. The Bishop's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing. "And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister, as the Bishop's eyes widened even more. The Bishop sat silent in disbelief. The Friar added "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!" The new Bishop looked around at each of them. Slowly a big smile crept across his face as he said "You fuckers are my kind of people!"
ORSM VIDEO
An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a café when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said "You Australian folk eat the whole bread?"
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied "of course".
The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't".
In the States, we only eat what's inside. ? The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia".
The American had a smirk on his face.
The Australian listened in silence. The American persisted "D'ya eat jam with your bread?"
Sighing, the Australian replied "Of course".
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seed and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia.
The Australian then asked "Do you have sex in the States?" The American smiled and said "Why of course we do". The Australian leaned closer to him and asked "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away, of course!"
Now it was the Australians turn to smile. "We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?"
SEX IN PUBLIC |
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A big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognise any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments he announced "Bear". Then he felt the bullet hole and declared "Shot with a .308 rifle".
He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle".
Of course he was right again.
Throughout the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"
His wife angrily replied "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties, fiddled around a bit and loudly announced "Skunk, killed with an axe".
MUSIC FESTIVAL SHENANIGANS |
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READER MAIL
Ever submitted to Orsm? Believe it or not updates don't just magically happen so I need you dudes to flood my inbox with whatever the hell you like. Got a cool email forward? Send it my way! Smutty pics of your goddess girlfriend or evil Ex? Send them my way! Disturbing video? Send it my way! Jokes? Send them my way! All you must do is point your mouse here and get involved!
Jason wrote:
Subject: Revenue collecting pigs
You want to talk about the bullshit that the pigs do rather than going out for real law enforcement or patrolling highways to find truly dangerous drivers, how about the shit they pull in my province. Every few months they'll put a blitz on where they randomly pull over any and all commercial trucks for paperwork inspections. They change regulations on this paperwork all the time with no notice so nobody ever knows how it's supposed to be done until you're pulled over. I'm looking at over a grand in fines because even though I had all the prudent driving time info filled out, I didn't give details on my off duty and on duty time. This is a total invasion of my privacy but in the interest of "safety" I'm required to allow that violation. And even though he knows the half dozen permits that are required to put the fucking truck on the road are paid up and in order, here's another fine for not having a piece of paper in the truck telling him what he already knows. And here's another one for the business for allowing me to have these mistakes. What really pisses me off is that I was doing nothing wrong, I was driving perfetly safely. It was a "random" inspection, then he reads me the fucking riot act about safe operation. I was driving safely asshole, how the fuck does paperwork affect my driving. What the fuck does this pig care though, he got his money. He just heads back to his pig hole looking for the next victim. Meanwhile on this trip, I saw at least a dozen instances of actual dangerous driving that he may have seen and been able to do something about if he wasn't just sitting in that pig hole.
Can't be entirely sure but I think this is a follow up to this. -Orsm |
PJ wrote:
Subject: Decisions, Decisions
Local Shopping Centre in Brisbane. My kind of place.
If you have the option then the choice is already made... isn't it? -orsm |
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Simon wrote:
Subject: Facebook pic
Haven't had much luck surfing facebook for boobie shots... Until today. Love the commentary. Nice to see a young chick proud of her body! Keep up the good work, ORSM really is the best website in the universe.
My life would be pointless without them. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: funy
can t take credit for this one orsm but fuck its funny. no deets ta
Marry this girl. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Vagina Pie
WOW, what a deal. I wonder if it tastes better warmed up? Hide the details. Thanks
Can only imagine what the vaginas are from. -Orsm |
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Joe wrote:
Subject: Bruising
Poor chick. The harder I'd smack her, the harder she'd ask for it. As a bonus, a nice peach. Please hide details, thanks
Whatever she did, she won't do that again. -Orsm |
Ross wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Working out the bill. Who ordered that? |
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Bill wrote:
Subject: fences
What's wrong with this picture?
Makes sense. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pic
"Hey look! I fixed it." Hold the deets.. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Is that a horn?
Please withhold my info
Phalluses. Bitches love 'em... -Orsm |
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Michael wrote:
Subject: Man Gets Penis Stuck In Toaster, Firefighters Carry Out Hard Rescue
I guess the Brit's have a new way to butter their toast. |
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Brian wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Speed dating in New Zealand
What's the joke here? -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Double Fisting
Now I have your attention I found this in a pub in Kuala Lumpur. I am not sure if the pun is intended but I was surprised when my wife picked it up. Please don't share my details. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Meaty accident
Here's the aftermath / remain of a mechanic standing who was standing near a Boeing 737 at El Paso International Airport in Texas when he was sucked into one of the engines and killed.
That's kinda of... awesome. -Orsm |
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Justin wrote:
Subject: 25 Sites round the world
25 places where I would rather be sitting right now than behind my computer!
Agree. -Orsm |
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Justin wrote:
Subject: Sydney Opera House in Multicoloured lights
Festival of lights in Sydney 2013 |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Stars & Their kids
I know you like this stuff. Stars & their kids......... |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Cock Lightsabre!
Hey! First time poster, LONG time fan.! I found myself with 3 glowsticks and an upcoming 30 mins of boredom... So i improvised! Hope you enjoy, Hide the deets please ;)
As long as it was done JUST because you were bored then that's probably okay... -Orsm |
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Gene wrote:
Subject: Halloween
It must be getting Close to Halloween........ |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: girl pics
Hi Mr orsm love the site keep up the good work got more pics for you me and this bitch meet online and traded numbers and started talked we where making plans to me then a few days be for we where going to meet the bitch tells me she is moving in with some other guy so i was like really you talk to me this hole fucking time and you have been seeing someone else this is what that bitch gets her pic's for everyone to see hide the info thanks. |
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Kel wrote:
Subject: Past Images of Perth
For those of us of more mature years who enjoy a little nostalgia, these are a great set of reminders of the past. The not too distant past.
Assume these are from Lost Perth but cool nonetheless. I miss the blue house. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: dear orsm
just me n the mrs, the toothbrush is electric and buzzy for her pleasure, hide details please. long time fan
Electric toothbrush you say... -Orsm |
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Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!
My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the vet. He found that the problem was hair in its ears so he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the pharmacist tells her: "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days". The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms".
The pharmacist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days". The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs, either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer". The pharmacist says "Stay off your bicycle for a week".
ORSM VIDEO
A man goes to a golf pro for some advice on his grip. "Well, what should I do?" asked the man.
"Hold the club gently" the pro replied "just like you'd hold your wife's breast".
Taking the advice, he took a swing, and POW, he hit the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The ecstatic man went back home telling his wife the good news about his lesson, and, the wife couldn't wait for her lesson.
The next day, the wife went for her lesson. The pro watched her swing and said "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard".
"What can I do?" asked the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's manhood".
The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing, and... THUMP! The ball skipped down the fairway about 15 feet.
"You know, that was a lot better than I expected" the pro said. "Now, take the club out of your mouth, and, hold it in your hands.
OBJECT OF MY DESIRE: NIKKI BENZ |
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There are three cops that go to the same bar after work every night. Two of the cops are veterans and one is a rookie. One night the rookie and one of the veterans are sitting around and the third one comes into the bar with the biggest crap-eating grin on his face.
The other two cops ask him "Why are you so happy?"
He tells them "Well last night I had the best sex in my life with my wife. I had my service revolver cocked and loaded under the pillow. When I was about to come, I fired a shot into the air. Her pussy got really tight and we both came at the same time".
The next night, the other veteran comes into the bar with a crap-eating grin on his face and tells the other veteran "Thanks for the advice. Last night I had the most incredible sex with my wife.
I was doing her doggy style and when I was about to come, I fired my pistol. We both had a spontaneous orgasm. It was great".
The next night, the two veterans see the rookie come into the bar, mad as hell, kicking chairs as he makes his way over to them. The rookie says "Well I took your advice! My wife and I were doing sixty-nine and I fired my gun! That woman almost bit off my fucking dick and she crapped in my face!"
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An old man, Mr Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Barton asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Barton" said Mr Goldstein "My penis died today, and I am very sad".
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied "Oh I'm so sorry, Mr Goldstein, please accept my condolences".
The following day, Mr Goldstein was walking down the hall with his penis hanging out of his pyjamas, when he met Nurse Barton.
"Mr Goldstein" she said "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like this. Please put your penis back inside your pyjamas". "But, Nurse Barton" replied Mr Goldstein "I told you yesterday that my penis died". "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pyjamas?" asked Nurse Barton. "Well" he replied. "Today's the viewing".
WHATS UNDER THE TOWEL... |
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God creates the world and Adam. One day he looks down, and Adam is sitting under a tree, lonely. So God goes down and asks what's wrong. Adam says "It's really nice here, but I'm bored". So God creates all the creatures and brings them before Adam. Adam names them all and God thinks everything is okay.
God looks down the next day and sees Adam sitting under the tree again, so he goes down and says: "Adam, didn't you like the creatures I created for you?" Adam says: "Yeah, they're great, I mean the dog was really cool, but... you know... I can't talk to them or anything".
God thinks for a minute and then says: "Adam, tell you what... I'll create the perfect companion for you. She'll be everything you need, do everything you want, be your everything. But there's a price!" Adam asks what the price is. God replies "Well, it'll cost you an arm and a leg".
Adam thinks about it for a minute, and then says: "What can I get for a rib?"
ORSM
VIDEO
Okay done. I'll leave you with these parting words...
-Check out the site archives. Satisfaction guaranteed absolutely.
-Next update will be next Thursday ya know?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will take your mom to Bonetown [then post the pics of her giving him gobs and her big, fat, hairy cunt on Orsm].
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and... you can't make me. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2013.10.10-19.38 |
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'Welcome to Orsm.net' The Musical.
I'm not even sure where to begin today. It's been a big week. There's been some high, some lows, some victories, some disgraceful behaviour, some alcohol and even some extreme shoulder pain. In other words a fairly typical 7 days.
My story starts Friday. T'was a normal Friday for this time in my life - early walk along the coast before jetting off to the building site and inspect what was going on. The good part is that shit proceeds to fly along and it looks as if we may just have something with a roof come years end. Oh and a side note - we still don't have money from the bank 100% completely locked down. At maybe 8 or 9 months [I've lost count] this may be the longest and most incompetent mortgage application in history. I see now why businesses are fire bombed.
But I digress, from the bank it was the first of 4 grocery store visits for the weekend. I admit I find it impossible to walk past a real bargain so when the supermarket has the rice crackers I live on for half price... well its just too much to resist okay. Anyway as I was loading the trolley the phone rings. Its our builder/father and he has some spare time to help me finish off plumbing fitting selections. Not an opportunity to be missed, I raced to meet him and do what was required. Couldn't have worked out better either - not only is it months of research, magazines, brochures and store to store around town, but its him off my back. Oh and it freed up my Saturday morning. That night was the first of three of the GF's social events. Started at a pub that came highly recommended but kind of sucked and moved on to a dumpling house that make me happy long time.
Standard Saturday started with a coast walk. Home afterwards to whip up some motherfucking eggs before hitting the shops to try find some new, less tatty trousers. Unsuccessful, I moved on to the supermarket for cracker stock up round 2. Also unsuccessful it was homeward to begin beautifying oneself for the rest of the days activities. Once that process was completed, once the I-forget-how-to-tie-a-fucking-kneck-tie freakout was overcome, it was in the car and southward to Fremantle for a wedding. Somewhere in there came the realisation I've been to so many weddings that its almost possible to recite Corinthians 13:4-8 without reading from the programme. Love is patient, love is a douche.
We had a couple of hours to kill after that and with the reception a half hour drive away in the city, that's where we found a pub to hangout and escape the rain. As for the reception itself - great people, blingy, witty speeches, hot bridesmaids, good music, free flow booze, even a motherfucking candy buffet! Even being sat at the same table as the GF's ex which I thought might be awkward but was good. The only thing I can really complain about is the unfairness of having me there. I've met the bride a few times over the years and the only time I've met the groom was at the engagement party but for the bride to have her friend there, my other half, they have to invite me too, probably at a cost upwards of $150. Multiply that by however many partners and you can see why wedding budgets blow out. Next time I'm sending her solo. Seems only fair.
A soggy Sunday morning put an end to plans of walking off the mini hangover. Instead tidied the house before heading off to the shops. Oh yeah while we're here lets duck in to the supermarket for some half price crackers [I really do love them]. What happened next was one of the most disgusting things I've seen for a long time. An aboriginal woman walked up, grabbed a handful of chocolate bars and walked out of the store. Just like that. It was so blatantly obvious and without any attempt to conceal that you would literally need to be blind not have seen it. A mum was standing nearby with her young kids who asked "If she doesn't have to pay, why do we?" A good question. Unbelievably this continued. She walked in and out helping herself to whatever she wanted, then palming it off to her friends. Meanwhile those 'friends' stood outside the store screaming and swearing at their kids, generally being a menace. Somewhere in there one of the staff must have said something or was maybe spotted watching her because she spent a while eyeballing them menacingly. Filthy and mean looking thing she was too. After that, after finishing the 'shopping' they knocked off a few bottles from the liquor store and went on their way out of the mall screaming "CUNT" at random people. I can't actually imagine a way to show any less respect for 'the white man' than what they did. Not a single fuck was given and we have to pretend like they're not doing anything wrong so as not to be come to their attention. It's depressingly common to hear of a person going about their business being beaten by a group of aboriginals. The most insane part is that not once did security challenge any of them. Those guys stayed well clear. Would fucking LOVE to see what would happen if I tried anything like that...
The next activity of the day was yet another GF event in the form of her dads birthday which was just a casual lunch at a very, very shitty suburban café, aka another stunning example of someone who has absolutely no love or appreciation for food or service, opening an eatery and expecting people to charge people good money for the privilege. You sir get a dislike on Urbanspoon.
Was mid-afternoon by the time we rolled home and rather than let you-know-who rob one more minute, I grabbed a bucket and sponge and washed the car. It's been ages since a proper hand clean was done plus nice to finally have a few hours all to myself and not to mention a stellar way to wind down the weekend.
Alllllright fuckers. Admittedly that went a tad longer than was reasonable but not to worry. To make up for it you guys are about to embark on the greatest update ALL WEEK so without any further fuck around, without any more thinly veiled self-praise for one's own efforts I simply say - check it...
Happydemic - I Want Her - We Got Him - U Go Gramps! - Ur Dum - Nipply As - 2 Girls 1 Vid - Boobsman - De-Virginised
Miley Nude! - Dildo Fail - Whaaaat?? - Legendary - Moaner - Party Trick - Wrong Hole - GoPro Ambush - We're Over
Well Spoken - Cum Haters - Mime Porn - He's Gifted - Wow Awkward - Mariah Tits - ♥ Star Wars - Dad, Chill - First Anal
Everyday Dan would come home and slap his wife on the ass and say "Best Butt, best butt". This continued day after day. So as a surprise for her husband she went to the tattoo parlour. "Can you tattoo 'Best Butt' on my ass?" she asked. After hearing the price and having little money she could only afford to put a "B" on each cheek. "That's good enough, that'll do". The next day her husband came home and she flipped up her skirt and revealed her surprise... "Who the hell is Bob?"
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What's the definition of disgusting? Shoving 7 oysters up your grandma and sucking out 8.
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A blonde police woman pulls over a blond female driver. "Sorry, but you were speeding back there and I'll need to see your license and registration please". "What's a license?" As she's fumbling through her purse. "It's a small square/rectangular thing with your picture on it". "Oh, here it is". As she hands the cop a small pocket mirror. "I'm sorry, you can go now. I didn't know that you were a cop".
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Why does Beyonce sing to "to the left to the left"? Because black people have no rights.
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How are an alcoholic and a necrophilia alike? They both like to crack open a cold one.
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I am an American and I'm sick of people making jokes about America being the stupidest country ever, personally I think Europe is the most stupid country!
ORSM VIDEO
SEXUAL RECORDS
-Lisa Sparxxx is an American porn star who set a world record for the biggest gang bang, consuming a total of 919 cocks in a single day.
-The woman to set the world record for most sexual partners in one day shagging a whopping 620 men in just 10 hours. The average time of intercourse was less than 58 seconds. Male porn star Jon Dough was supposed to have sex with 101 women in one day but only managed to do 52. He did knock the others two weeks later though.
-Indian farmer Nanu Ram Jogi has 4 wives, and is the oldest father in the word, fathering his 21st child at the age of 90.
-Shaun Stewart was 12 years old when he got the world record for being the youngest father.
-Jonah Falcon from Brooklyn possesses the largest penis in the world. It measure at 9.5 inches in length when flaccid and 13.5 inches when erect.
-LA resident Michelle Monahan swallowed almost 1 litre of semen, subsequently needing to a stomach pump. She became the first person to have this recorded, and therefore wins the award for the woman to swallow the most semen. Where that quantity of semen came from remains unclear.
-Ciu, also known as 'Grandma', resides in Tai Pei and is the oldest living/working prostitute at 82 years old. She stays on the market by charging ten to twenty times less than the going rate for younger meat.
-Chris Nicholson proudly holds the record of removing the most bras in one minute. Chris managed to whip off 20 bras, using just one hand. That means Chris was able to remove one bra every three seconds.
-The youngest girl to give birth was 5-year-old Lina Medina, born in Peru in 1933. Incredibly this girl began menstruating at age 3, and despite being impregnated in the 'usual' way, has never revealed who the father is. Her father was arrested and imprisoned on suspicion of incest, but was later released due to lack of evidence. The baby was delivered by caesarean because Lina's hips were too narrow.
-The Largest Vagina in the world measuring 19 inches [deep?] belonged to Scottish giantess Anna Swan. She grew to be 7'8 inches tall at age 19, and later met a giant man measuring 7 feet tall, they became the tallest couple in the world in 1872.
-In 1300 BC, King Menephta came home from battle after successfully beating the Libyans. To celebrate his success, he asked his men to chop the penises off each member of the defeated army. He arrived home with 13,000 dicks.
-Horst Schultz holds the records for the greatest height (12 feet 4 inches) and the greatest speed of ejaculation (42.7mph).
-42-year old Russian mother Tatiata may appear normal, but it turns out she likes lifting weights... with her vagina. Tatiata suffered from weak pelvic muscles after the birth of her first child and tried lots of things before reading about women who used wooden balls to strengthen their weakened area. These days Tatiata can pump some serious iron, lifting 14 kilograms worth of weights.
-The female gangbang world record is owned by a woman named Houston who had intercourse with 620 men in one day! A video was made of this historic event. As it took about 10 hours (with a few very brief breaks) to do it, the average time of intercourse was less than 58 seconds. Source I downloaded one of these giant gangbangs and was surprisingly turned off. If anything changes, I'll be sure to give this a look.
-Japan has set a new world record for the largest orgy at 500 people. 250 men and 250 women consensually had sex in a warehouse, with a camera crew recording the entire event.
-In one case reported in 1967 a girl had an acute allergic reaction to human sperm. She came from a family with a long history of various kinds of allergy, including eczema, asthma, and dermatitis. A short time after her first sexual experience she developed a rash and asthma - her lips, eyelids, tongue, and throat became swollen, she had violent pains in the pelvis and finally lost consciousness. Most of these symptoms appeared every time she had sexual intercourse: they began within half an hour and lasted well into the next day. So no chance of a facial then...?
-42 year old Russian woman Tatiana Kozhevnikova, has the world's strongest vagina. She broke the record by lifting almost 31 pounds with her intimate muscles, which she exercised for 15 years to achieve the results.
-When it came to busting a nut, Louis the 15th didn't shy away from throwing a few stacks at his hoes. Some of the major items, apart from board and lodging on a luxurious scale, were indemnities paid to families, dowries for those who were married off, the maintenance of illegitimate children.
-Masanobu Sato set a world record for the longest masturbation at the World Masturbate-a-thon held in San Francisco in 2009. He went for 9 hours and 58 minutes.
-The largest natural breasts belong to Annie Hawkins-Turner with an insane 102 ZZZ breast size. Her under breast measurement is 43 inches and her around chest, over nipple measurement is a staggering 70 inches with each booby weighing in at a back breaking 56 pounds.
-The record for largest augmented breasts belongs to Maxi Mounds who boasts an impressive 61 MMM cup size. For those who aren't familiar with bra sizing that's an under breast measurement of 91.44 cm (36 in) and an around chest-over-nipple measurement of 153.67 cm (60.5 in)'!
-Valentina Vassilyeva a wife of a Russian peasant Feodor Vassilyev set the record for bearing the most children. She gave birth to 16 pairs of twins, 7 sets of triplets and 4 sets of quadruplets between 1725 and 1765, in a total of 27 births, and 69 children.
-In one hour, one woman enjoyed a mind blowing 134 orgasms - the highest number ever recorded! But considering the difference in anatomy the guy who achieved 16 ejaculations in one hour didn't do such a bad job either.
-Moulay Ismail Ibn Sharif holds the record for most children fathered. The record has stood since the 17th century when he added a whopping 1,042 offspring to his harem of about 500 wives.
SEX ON THE BEACH |
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Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up. He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it's a law of nature that buttered toast always falls butter-down. He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest. He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat. He won't say what it is but wants Father Flannigan to see it with his own eyes. He brings Father Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
"Well" says the priest "it's pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top". "No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that".
"Well" Father Flannigan says "it's certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, etc".
An investigation of some rigour is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese, but by scientists sent from the Curia in Rome. The final ruling is a negative, however. it reads...
"It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy's room, quite outside the normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this case we have declared no miracle. For it possibly resulted from Murphy's having buttered the toast on the wrong side".
ORSM VIDEO
To prepare for his big date, a young man went on top of the roof of his apartment building in order to get a little colour for himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.
Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get sunburned on his 'tool'. Being very determined the young man decided not to miss his date because it was with a hot blonde. So, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze, feeling this should resolve his painful situation.
The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home-cooked dinner, after which they retreated to the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn really started to sting.
After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused. A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain so he went to the kitchen, and poured a tall, cold glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and sighed as the feeling of immediate relief set in.
The blonde upon hearing this sigh wondering what he was doing, wandered into the
kitchen to find him with his 'love muscle' immersed in a glass of milk. With a look of understanding the blonde exclaimed "So, THAT'S how you load those things".
MOTHERS & DAUGHTERS |
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A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!" And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened". "Fine, go ahead" she sobbed" but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And the husband began - "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same".
The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
BIKINI BRIDGES |
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READER MAIL
A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies.
The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Oklahoma hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said "This duck ain't from Oklahoma. This is a Kansas duck. You got a Kansas huntin' license, boy?"
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kansas hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't no Kansas duck. This duck's from Arkansas. You got a Arkansas license, boy?"
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Arkansas hunting license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain't no Arkansas duck. This here duck's from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin' license, boy?"
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly "Just where the hell are you from, boy?"
The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said "You tell me!"
YOU READY BABY? HERE IT CUMS... |
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A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into.
The firemen yell to the brunette "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" So the brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, the brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the redhead. "Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the redhead. "No! It's brunettes we can't stand! We're okay with redheads!" "Okay" says the redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.
Finally, the blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!" "No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the blonde. "No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!" "Look" the blonde says "nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it..."
ORSM VIDEO
Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!
In this out of the way village there was a man called Onestone. This wasn't his real name but everyone called him it because he had only one testicle.
After years and years of this torment Onestone cracked and said "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him Onestone anymore.
Then one day a girl forgot and said "Good morning Onestone". He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest, where he shagged her all day, he shagged her all night, he shagged her all the next day, until she died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant business.
Years went by until a woman returned to the village after many years away. She was overjoyed when she saw Onestone and hugged him and said "Good to see you Onestone".
Onestone flew into the promised rage. He grabbed her around the neck and took her deep into the forest where he shagged her all day, shagged her all night, shagged her all the next day, shagged her all the next night... but she wouldn't die!
So what's is the moral of the story? You can't kill two birds with one stone!
SERIOUS HOTNESS: ROXY DEVILLE |
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Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital. Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".
Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw. So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies "He's out in the Rehab again exercising". And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.
And very soon Mick comes back to work. But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says "He's dead". Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in". "No" says the nurse "Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.
RANDOM SHITE
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An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End On their way to Kakadu. He was describing the abilities of the Australian aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, or beneath the sea. The Americans were incredulous.
Then, later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air. The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.
"Jacky" said the tour guide "what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"
The aborigine replied "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute. It's red. The left front tire is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has dents in every panel. There are 9 black fellas in the back, all drinking warm beer. The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.
"Wow, man! How do you know all that?" asked one American. The Aborigine replied "I fell out of the fucking thing about 15 minutes ago!!"
MINDY MAIN strips down. Nudity ensues. |
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A trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe and placed his order. He said "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards".
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No" the cook said. "Three flat tires... mean three pancakes. A pair of headlights... is two eggs sunny side up and a pair of running boards... are 2 slices of crisp bacon!"
"Oh... okay!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked "What are the beans for, blondie?" She replied "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
ORSM
VIDEO
I think that about does it for today. Of course anyone who doesn't agree should read the following or simply STFU...
-Check out the site archives. One of us will be glad you did. Hint: its you.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Its kind of a thing around here. Thursday = new update. Learn it.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will shut your government down for the lulz.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and please remain seated until notified otherwise. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2013.10.03-thetimeisnow |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Allow your mind to be changed.
Running behind this week. Like spectacularly behind and whilst I'm really not sure how or where it all went bad, I realise that I don't actually care and will just be happy when this month is over. Yes I'm aware we're only 3 days in. There's so many poorly timed and/or unnecessary events coming up that its almost in my best interests to walk away from running this website and concentrating solely on a career as a social butterfly and house builder.
Seem to recall some cautious happy not all that long ago... a string of quiet weekends, some downtime here and there; generally I was relaxed. Hurtle forward to now and things have taken a turn for the worse. Everyone needs and answer, everyone needs something done, the fucking motherfucking phone will not stop and the benefits of sleeping are giving way to what has to get done on any given day... except the last 2 nights where I've fallen asleep at the computer.
But it could be worse. I still have my health, somewhat.
Saturday was the beginning of the insanity. Managed to squeeze an early morning walk along the coast before heading off to hit a whole bunch of bathroom supply stores. The pressure was applied the day before with a phone call saying our list of selected fittings was needed ASAP. Annoying because I'd asked for at least a weeks' notice but it wasn't to be. The next few hours were spent hopping place to place working it all out. The only thing we really nailed down though was a bath tub. You'd think with so much choice it would be easy. The opposite is true. It's more like with so much choice, most of it is shit. We eventually landed in an Asian owned store full of cheap Asian fittings and found exactly what we [read: I] wanted. Next came the haggling and chance to put the skills learned during our Hong Kong trip last year to use. Luckily these guys weren't as ruthless or cunning as their HK counterparts so after some back and forth we basically ended up with 2 for the price of 1 and a $100 voucher for our next purchase. I'm sure they still made money but at least don't feel like we got touched up.
It was football grand final d next and we scurried off to watch with friends. The next few hours were a bit depressing for everyone... except those [of us] hoping for a Hawthorn win. What was even more fun however was bombarding various Freo supporting mates after their loss. Hopefully this gives an appreciation as to why Eagles fans continue to point to our trophy cabinet. Humbly, what I'm trying to say is, suck shit.
Not sure if it's the living quarters or change of season or high stress levels or what but I'm finding it impossible to sleep past 6am. That's on the good days. Others, like Sunday, it's before 5. Hung in bed for an hour before finally hitting the road to borrow the ute, then back home to attach the trailer, then picked up my brother before rolling up at the house before 8. It was all go from there with one very simple task - remove the rubble pile. What followed was 4 trailer loads and 3.6 tonnes loaded by hand and carted off to the rubbish tip. Worked out later that despite doing it by hand to save money, dumping at the tip is the least cost effective method. A skip bin would have been way cheaper, something the tip staff pointed out after the last load. If were weren't exhausted enough by the stage we had to then load a tonne of leftover cement bags into the trailer and take them away. Home by 3.30 I collapsed on the bed and didn't move.
Monday was a public holiday and of course it was rained out which dashed hopes of any exercise... which was completely okay because every single muscle in my body ached. With a few hours up the sleeve it was in the kitchen with my trusty Asian offsider to do the weekly soup cook up. Next we headed out for coffee with friends before rolling around to the parents place for a casual family thing. All fairly low key and relaxing and come to think of it probably what messed up my schedule. Family... they just aren't worth it!
Okay time to get on with the rest of your update. Last week came very close to busting the record for visitors in one day [set 3 weeks ago]. Clearly that's good for my ego so if you love what you see then feel free to tell your mates. But before you do that - check it...
Ripple.0 - Dramatic - Douchebag - Free Chocolate - Thank You - Immoral Act - Battlefield - GTA Irony - Faptastic
Vac-Packed - Voluptuous - What The!? - Trolling Sluts - Analpain - Model Tits - Cool But Fake - Blowback - Strange Fam
Porn Addicts - Earthworm Jim - Weeee! - Her Curves - Hardcock - Swallow! - Lipo Fail - I'm Headless - Jodie Marsh
A guy in driving down the road and picks up a hitchhiker. "Hop in sir!" the drivers says. One mile down the road the driver smells something really bad and asks the guy "Hey, did you crap your pants?" The hitchhiker says "No!" Two miles down the road the driver smells it worse now and says, "Are you sure you didn't shit your pants?" The hitchhiker says "Yes, I'm sure… I didn't". Three miles down the road the driver can't stand the smell and yells "Get out!" The hitchhiker gets out. The driver says "I don't believe you. Pull your pants down". So the hiker pulls his pants down and there's shit literally everywhere. "I thought you said you didn't shit your pants!?" "Oh... I thought you meant today".
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What do you call a Greek who is falling off a building? Con descending.
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There once was a little boy who was celebrating his 11th birthday. He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father. "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today" the boy said. The father has no clue and finally gives up. "I'm eleven!" the boy exclaims. Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today". "Let me give it a guess" grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers. She plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers and says "You're eleven years old". "How did you know?" the boy asked. Grandma replied "I heard you tell your father".
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I was watching some porn last night and there was my sister getting it from three guys. I was so embarrassed that I didn't know whether to switch it off or carry on wanking.
ORSM VIDEO
STUPID DEATHS
-Alex Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a 20" long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had had enough of her husband's strange sex practices and one night during a prolonged session of 'fun' she snapped, pushing all 20" of the vibrator into Alex's anus until it ruptured several internal organs and caused severe bleeding.
-A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he ran' accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
-Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake.
-While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
-Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her father's coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was given suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn't realise what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later.
-Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
-David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girlfriend after he attempted to "have his way with her" his unwelcome advance was met with a prompt kick in the chest and then 4 shots from a doubled barrelled shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends') father had given it to her an hour before the date started, just in case.
-Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
-Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his rent for 8 years. Land lord Kirk Weston clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realised just how long it had been since Mr Halos paid his rent.
-After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.
-Mary-Lee Cooper, 11 years old, was killed by her 1 year old sister who climbed on top of her while she was sleeping, suffocating her.
-Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2am so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.
-Megan Fry, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered onto a live firing, fake town simulation. Seeing all the troopers walking slow down the street Megan Fry has jumped out in front of them and yelled. "Boo!" The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting their target. "She just looked like a very real looking target" one of the troopers stated in his report.
-Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
-Fiona Given, 17 years old, was killed by a hit man hired by her ex-boyfriend after she broke off their relationship. The hit man was promised to be paid $500,000 for the task. The hit man killed the boyfriend after he found out that the 16 year old high school student, whose father was in jail for rape, and mother worked as an ironing lady didn't have access to $500k.
-Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit happens'
So BOTTOMLESS |
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A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00. "But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer. "Okay" says the bartender "If you said you paid, you did".
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it".
Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over and says "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose". "Don't bother me with your troubles" the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way".
ORSM VIDEO
One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying there on a cloud.
She spoke "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing.
He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before. She also spoke "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure. She stated "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now!
He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud. "Take me now or climb the ladder to success" she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed caught the best of him.
He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry. Apprehensively, Harry whispers "Who are you?" The biker answers "I'm Cess".
TAN LINES |
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An old station hand named Billy was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in the outback when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Bryony suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the old man "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Billy looks at the young man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The yuppie then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany...
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spread sheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to Billy and says "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves".
"That's right. Well, you'll be helping yourself to one of me calves, then, since you won it fair en square" says Billy.
He watches the smartly dressed yuppie select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the man gingerly picks it up & stuffs it into the boot of his car.
As the yuppie is carefully brushing the dust and hair off his suit, Billy says "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what work you do & where you come from, will you give me back my calf?"
The yuppie thinks about it for a second, wondering what this wrinkled up dirt encrusted uneducated old man could possibly know? He grins and then says "Okay, old fella, why not? I'm a believer in fair play".
"You're a politician and you work in Canberra" says the old timer. "Wow! That's correct" says the yuppie "but, tell me how on earth did you guess that?"
"No guessing required" answered Billy "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars' worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog".
Sweet everything! |
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READER MAIL
Massive RM this week and the reason for this is simple - too many quality submissions not to post them all. If it getting through this lot keeps you busy for even a fraction of the time it did me then you're doing well.
Have you submitted today? Much revered by your fellow Orsm readers are pics of you juuuuust about anything, girllfriend porn, ex-girllfriend porn, fucked and funny up videos, car stuff, cool stuff, non-PC jokes, stories of random happenings and pretty much anything else you can stick in an email and ship down the internets. Simply click here and make it happen
Dave wrote:
Subject: Pass The Butter ... Please
I'm sure that you have received a ton of emails concerning the subject entry on your orsmupdate 2013.09.19 and, therefore, this email is not needed. But, just in case, here is Snopes' link which discusses the subject. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Speed Kills Your Pocketbook
This vid is in Canada but it reminds me of here in Australia. i see 3To 4 Highway patrols cars a day booking dangerous Drivers (doing 5to10 ks over the limit (or revenue raising) or just hiding around a corner or
mostly at the bottom of a hill or behind trees.) pleas hide info,.Do wot ever you think with this vid
Speed limits are set according to what the stupidest driver in the crappiest car in the worst conditions can handle. For the other 2% of us that don't fall into this category its just too bad and nothing will ever change. -Orsm |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Careful what you put on fb....
The usual stuff, longtimefan, first time poster, keep details private. I used to work at a freezerstorage here in Finland with the one with tits showing. Couple of years back during Midsummers Eve celebrations, she posted this pic on fb. Long story short 15 min later it was taken down, but did the one thing any male would do in that situation :) May your women be hot and your beer cold. And not the other way around. Your fan 4 ever from Finland |
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Annette wrote:
Subject: hmmm
mum took this pic of miley at a concert
I don't get it. She cops so much shit but she's giving us exactly what we want. -Orsm |
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DANIEL wrote:
Subject: Emailing
My girlfriends "beautiful" baby.
Ugly little cunt isn't he... -Orsm |
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Brian wrote:
Subject: Why I hate seagulls
Why I hate seagulls . . . . !!!
This sort of thing happens to me more than I'd like to admit. -Orsm |
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Bill wrote:
Subject: meals on wheels
I always thought the "Meals on Wheels" was an outstanding program. Now I am convinced !!!! A person could assume that he was born in the wrong decade !!! |
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Grant wrote:
Subject: New meme
Just did this up and have not stopped laughing.... You are still making my Fridays better since 2001 so hope this ads another piece. Cheers |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Ammunition Shortage
Deer season is coming, so I thought I'd better send out a reminder about what a Whitetail looks like! No need to thank me, I'm just doing a public service. |
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Michael wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Talent
Speaking of fuckwits. -Orsm |
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Brian wrote:
Subject: They are getting sneaky - new speed cameras - look out !!
This new style speed camera is on the highway leading into Cairns. It's one of many that will be installed over the next 12 months throughout Qld. They sure are getting sneaky... |
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Brian wrote:
Subject: Emailing
new beach fashion
Right. -Orsm |
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Brian wrote:
Subject: Emailing
My friend's wife hates poker night
Wrong. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: US Gov Update / hilarity ensues
Update on the US situation for you Aussies/eveyone else. Screenshot of www.Usa.Gov today. Notice the "Government made easy" logo. Regards |
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Willem wrote:
Subject: Never thought they were real.....
Hi m8, Pic taken in South Africa. Cheers
I'm proud to say I had to Google what that meant. -Orsm |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Kenyan Massacre
Nice place for a holiday though. |
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Anthony wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Just sold my iphone on ebay.
What a bunch of wank. |
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Adam wrote:
Subject: Brownlow Report (x's 2 )
I know, I know - but anyway - again for another year
Love these. Prob make no sense to anyone outside of Australia or who doesn't follow the footy. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Getting warma. Hide details please
Just vagina? Tsk tsk! -Orsm |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Not One World. No Joke......Been There
You know you are in the ghetto when you see this !!!!!!!!!!!!! *WORK HARDER*Millions on Welfare*Depend on YOU* |
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Bill wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Can You Believe? |
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Kel wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Africa is not for sissies! |
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xitz wrote:
Subject: ONE HELL OF A MUSEUM
An interesting European museum, even then an Australian Wirraway features.... |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Got this on a friend's computer. Please witheld my name |
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Neil wrote:
Subject: Fishing Quiz
TEST YOUR FISHING KNOWLEDGE. I MYSELF GOT THEM ALL CORRECT,. DUE TO MY VAST FISHING EXPERIENCE. GOOD LUCK. Fishing Quiz For The Masters Not As Easy As It Looks. Pass this quiz and consider yourself a Master Angler! |
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Great historical pics
SOME VERY RARE OLD PICTURES ENJOY! |
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Donnie wrote:
Subject: huh
a bit closer than the previous ones
Eh? -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pic's
hi Mr orsm love the site i started talking with the girl online and traded number and she sent me some pic's of her self thought you may like them plez hide my info thanks |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
LOADING CAMRYS FOR OVERSEAS DURING A LONG NIGHT.
Good luck explaining that to the boss. -Orsm |
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Bill wrote:
Subject: female fire hoses
Guess drinking all that good German beer enables one to do this. Probably not a lot of house fires in their neighborhoods either.... |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
girl vids. hide the details please |
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Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!
ORSM VIDEO
Toward the end of the golf game, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up trashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden... POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. AS A MATTER OF FACT you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!
Then POOF!! she was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend "Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows".
Dave shouts back "DON'T SWING, FRED! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!"
WHAT U LISTENING TO? |
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Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree" the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me". "Excuse me?" the accountant said". I worry about a lot of things" the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back". "I see" the accountant said.
"And how much does the job pay?" "I'll start you at eighty thousand". "Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?" "That" the owner said "is your first worry".
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A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire" said the photographer "and make three or four low level passes". "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.
After a long pause the pilot said "You mean you're not the instructor?"
CRACK WHORES |
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Two lovers fall on hard times and decided to rob a bank together. The first lover plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second lover in great detail.
The robbery begins. The first lover drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to the other lover "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?" "Perfectly" he said.
He goes in the bank while the other waits in the getaway car. One minute passes, two minutes pass... seven minutes pass - and the first lover is really stressing out.
Finally, the bank doors burst open and out he comes. He's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time he gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.
As the guys are getting away, the first lover says "I thought you understood the plan!" The second lover said "I did! I did exactly what you said!" "No, you idiot" he replied. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"
ORSM
VIDEO
And that's it. This update was a labour of love and I'm too fuckered to write anything else so I leave you with this...
-Check out the site archives. Bitches love 'em.
-All things being equal, next update will be next Thursday.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will have something to say about that... he does everything else!
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and think globally, act selfishly. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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