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| orsmupdate 2013.11.28-19.08 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Act a certain way, get treated a certain way.
Fucking fuck knows what's wrong with me but I've been exhausted all week. Diet hasn't changed, exercise the same, sleeping okay - everything is sameish except I'm tired all day and come 11pm, its curtains wether I like it or not... as in fall asleep in front of the computer and wake up drooling down my chin. Maybe I'm up the duff? Actually... one thing that does spring to mind is the fact I suddenly crave beer more than ever before. I'm typically an infrequent drinker but at the moment if there's any chance of bending an elbow, count me in.
This is the worst pile of mutilated muck I have heard in ages. Almost as bad as this.
We're in overdrive with the house build right now. Matter of fact that's how today started - onsite at 6.30am to assist the rubbish removal. A gigantic, wasteful pile it was too. I think the bricklayers assumed bricks had been over-ordered and were subsequently far less than sparing. Sure enough the quantities ended up being perfect and they ran out forcing us to order more. The result was an expensive pile of broken bricks and dried cement being hauled away to landfill. There's always going to be waste but annoying when its so much and when its coming out of your own pocket.
Beyond that, we finally have half a roof. By Christmas it should be a full roof which means I can get in there over the holidays to begin running my network and speaker cabling. Right now is probably the most exciting point of the build thus far - everything has taken shape and we're not relying on a plan to 'try and visualise'. Can actually see where the bed goes, how big and small things are, where I'll shit and so on.
Alright lets move on. Life is ridiculously social right now and everyone has come out of hibernation looking to socialise. That's all well and good and I'm down for it because winter was cunt. Anyway what this has translated to is a spate of dinners and breakfasts. Last Thursday night - dinner with friends. Next was a Friday night revisit to the hawker's market thing we smashed a few weeks ago. Again with friends although the plan with that one is between now and April when it finishes running for the season is to try as many of the dishes/cuisines/whatever as possible. Pics here.
It continued Saturday - breakfast with friends at their place. Great to catch up with them and the flies. The city seems to be under a fly invasion of late apparently due to easterly winds blowing the little fuckers out of the desert or where ever. They're impossible to avoid and taste terrible. Rest of the day saw some grocery acquisition before rolling home to put up the Xmas tree. Yes - already. Let's be clear here - I would be cool not having one at all. Unfortunately, people who provide various body parts unique only to females have other ideas. IE. she would be happy if the tree stayed up year-round. The compromise is putting it up 4-5 weeks prior and just accepting the blinding, flashing light. Friends rolled by in the afternoon, stayed into the evening and that was Saturday.
A Sunday morning coast walk was just what the doctor ordered. Of course we ran into long lost
friends and blew 20 minutes chatting. After getting home and showering it was city-bound to smash some dim sum before visiting my gran and getting my shit sorted to go work at the house. Yet another round of site cleaning and required a long game of musical cars [and trailers] to accomplish. Home mid-afternoon for a shower and rest before the inevitable... our house mums birthday was that day which meant a house full of inbound family. To complicate matters we had to bail for a my family catch-up/dinner along the coast. This is where the highlight of my weekend came - I was parked in... which lead to being chucked the keys to an Aston Martin Rapide for a few hours. Long story short - oh how the 1% live...
Okay done. Enough of the blog babble, the narcissistic prattle. Let us move on to better and entertaining things. I'll preface this weeks update by saying what your about to devour below is surely going to come close to being one of the best updates all year. You may notice the Reader Mail gets the dick today simply because it made my life easier to do so. It'll be back next Thursday. Hope you guys understand. If not - please GFY. Check it...
Mob Roadster - Mind Blown - Home Alone - News Bloopers - Troll The FBI - Porno Fail - Perfect 10 - Cosplay Tits
I Want Her - Big Mistake - Rock Bottom - Drunk Shag - What A Cunt - The Impossible - Time To Go - Long Cunt
Dayum!! - Double View - Holy BJ - NFL Boobs - Retro Porn - Disgusting! - Detained - Nasty Slut - Comment Wars
After his annual physical, the sexually active bachelor was waiting in the doctor's office for the results. "Well" said the doctor "I have good news and bad news for you". "The way I feel, please give me the good news first" replied the bachelor. "The good news" announced the doctor "is that your penis has grown an additional four inches since your last exam". "Great!" the man shouted "What is the bad news?" "It's malignant" replied the doctor.
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In bed with my Chinese girlfriend I happened to remark that her fanny seemed to be getting bigger. She went mad and said "You always clittysizing"
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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner". She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to" she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue". "What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, its just a statue" she replied nonchalantly. "The Martin's bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too". No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here" he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Martin's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water".
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Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says to them "I must tell you something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent". "Thank God" says an elderly nun in the back. "I am so tired of
chardonnay".
ORSM VIDEO
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN'S VOCAB
"FINE" is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (NEVER use "fine" to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)
"FIVE MINUTES" is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it's an even trade.
"NOTHING" means something and you should be on your toes. "NOTHING" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "NOTHING" usually signifies an argument that will last "FIVE MINUTES" and end with the word "FINE".
"GO AHEAD" (with raised eyebrows) is NOT permission; it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "NOTHING" and you'll have a "FIVE MINUTE" discussion that will end with the word "FINE".
"GO AHEAD" (normal eyebrows) is NOT permission either. It means "I give up" or "DO WHAT YOU WANT BECAUSE I DON'T CARE". You will get a raised eyebrow "GO AHEAD" in just a few minutes, followed by "NOTHING" and "FINE" and she will talk to you in about "FIVE MINUTES" when she cools off.
"LOUD SIGH" is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement. Very frequently misunderstood by men. A "LOUD SIGH" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "NOTHING!"
"SOFT SIGH" again is not a word, but a verbal statement. "SOFT SIGHS" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.
"OH" followed by any statement - is trouble. Example: "Oh, let me get that" or "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night". If she says "OH" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "FINE" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. ("OH" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie). Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrow "GO AHEAD" sometimes followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.
"THAT'S OKAY" is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "THAT'S OKAY" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "THAT'S OKAY" is often used with the word "FINE" and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "GO AHEAD". Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.
"PLEASE DO" is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "THAT'S OKAY".
"THANKS" is the woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome".
"THANKS A LOT" is dramatically different from "THANKS". A woman will say "THANKS A LOT" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "LOUD SIGH". This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "LOUD SIGH" as she will only tell you "NOTHING".
WATER PARK PERVING |
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There were four university students taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go to Sydney and visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to the Uni until late Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their Professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tyre and found there was no spare in the car. As a result, they missed the final.
The Professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.
The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought!
Each one in separate rooms, thought this was going to be easy... then they turned the page. On the second page was written...
For 95 points: Which tyre? _________
ORSM VIDEO
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering agonies on his way to his final moment, he suddenly smells the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, gripping the wall; he slowly makes it to the kitchen.
There, piled on a tray are his favourite scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon.
"Fuck off!!" she said... "they're for the funeral".
GAMER GIRLS ARE ALL PART OF THE GAME |
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AVIATION WISDOM
-When one engine fails on a twin engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.
-Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.
-Never trade luck for skill.
-The three most common expressions in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?" "Where are we?" and "Oohhh shit!"
-Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
-Progress in airline flying: Now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.
-Airspeed, altitude or brains. At least two are needed to successfully complete a flight.
-A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is an outright lie.
-I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.
-Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!
-If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter - and therefore, unsafe.
-Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.
-Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything about it.
-When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.
-Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.
-Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavour to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.
-The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.
-A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum.
-If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.
-If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it - ride the bastard down.
-Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing (sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location Kadena, Japan).
-You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.
-Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
-There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime (sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).
-The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time.
-What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If the ATC screws up, the pilot dies.
-Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.
-If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
-Basic Flying Rules: 1. Try to stay in the middle of the air. 2. Do not go near the edges of it. 3. The edges of the air can be recognised by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.
-You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.
I'M THINKING... BLONDES... |
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ORSM VIDEO
An old woman walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post. As she stood there brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed "hey old woman, have you ever danced?" the old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to".
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said "Well, you old bag, you're gonna dance now" and started shooting at the old woman's feet.
The old woman prospector -not wanting to get her toe blown off- started hopping around. Everybody was laughing. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman's hands, as she quietly said "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's behind?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said "No ma'am... But... I've always wanted to".
THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid.
yahoo! answers insanity |
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A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked 'How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said "About 2 hours". The guy left but did not return that day.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said "About 3 hours". The guy left and again, did not return that day.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said "About an hour and a half". The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said "Hey, Bob, do me a favour follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back later.
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes from laughing and said "Your house!"
ORSM VIDEO
A teacher asks her class "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Ralphy. He replies "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot". The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking!"
Then little RALPHY says "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: one is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone". To which Little RALPHY replied "The correct answer is "the one with the wedding ring on "but I like your thinking!"
tasty bitch: MARISSA MENDOZA |
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One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.
After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asks "What are them cows up to honey?" The husband, a bit flustered, answers "Why can't you see? Them cows, they're roping!" She replies "Oh, I see!"
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again the bride asks "What are them horses doing honey?" The husband answers again "Them horses, they're roping!" She replies "Oh, I see!"
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis. "Oh my!" she cries "What is that?"
"Well, darlin'" he chuckles proudly "That's ma'rope!"
She slides her hands down further and gasps "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks. "Honey, those're my knots!" he answers.
Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says "Stop honey, wait a minute!" Her husband, panting a little, asks "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?" "No" the bride replies "undo them damn knots, I need more rope!"
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When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter".
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said to the long line "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him".
God turned to the one man "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?" The man replied "My wife told me to stand here".
HARMONY ROSE |
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says "Kemo Sabe, look Towards sky, what you see?" the Lone Ranger replies.
"I see millions of stars" "What that tell you?" asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says "Astronomically speaking, It tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent".
ORSM
VIDEO
The time has come for some hard questions... I'll do my best to answer them.
-Check out the site archives. One of the most abused lines in the universe is "You don't know what you're missing". That said, I cannot think of a single thing of which it is applicable to than the Orsm archives.
-Next update will be next Thursday... although I could handle an early start to the holidays...
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will nom down like he's a shark and you're a surfer. He will do this without compunction.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and fuck you Ketut. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2013.11.21-17.46 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Fade to black. The audience goes apeshit.
Maybe I just forget and maybe I do the same thing every year but holy crap I'm looking forward to the Christmas holidays. As usual - no plans to go away or do anything more than play video games and hit the beach to stare inappropriately at breasts. Its been a tough 12 months and any escape from the reality that doesn't leave me with chronic diahorrea [thank you Jakarta; campylobacter] will do a world of good.
This might just be the highlight of my week. The video shot by an indignant little prick of a cop swearing at him about swearing has caused massive public debate. There are so many ways to look at it that I can't make up my mind who's the bigger dick. Here's why: 1. its clear the guy is known to police. Whether he's a serial helmet flouter or been busted before for burglaries or what is unclear. 2. the guy has a big mouth and doesn't do himself any favours. 3. the guy needs to show some respect 4. the guy had a good point. 5. the cop made his point badly. 6. the cop threatened him with rape. By the time all was said and done though, SURELY two cops on annual salaries in excess of $70k have better shit to do than warn people about not wearing bike helmets? Take a drive around Perth... people drive like fucks and get away with it so you have to wonder how much of what was going on in the video was legitimately trying to protect him from injury and how much was harassment.
Next. Now that its finally over, I was just going to ignore the whole mechanic fiasco and move on with my life. A fourth post about exactly how to push my buttons seems unnecessary but received a few emails from you guys about it so lets everyone get some closure and put it behind us.
By the time last Thursday rolled around the spare parts had -finally- come in and the mechanics could -finally- fit them. I was beyond irate by this point so when they called to say that there'd be an additional charge for a gasket which was left out of the original quote, I seized the opportunity to be 'difficult' and okayed the work... then called back an hour later saying I wouldn't have gone ahead with the original job had I known it would be a $100 more. Long story short - they wore it. In hindsight quite childish but I'd reached that point.
Didn't actually go to pick the car up until mid- morning Friday. Paid the bill, barely got 2 words out of the customer rep and she went off to get my car. As I walked over it was immediately obvious that they'd left my car sitting outside for the last 3 weeks. I know this because it was washed 2 days before they got it so clean and shiny was now a thick layer of dust with hand and general rubbing-against marks leftover by the mechanics. What better way to say 'fuck you' to a customer than handing their car back absolutely filthy? This is called 'being passive aggressive' and was the last straw.
Seemed pointless raising it with them so instead took my experience online and left reviews on their Facebook page, Google and so on. Didn't want a single thing out of them except to know they fucking suck at customer service and sure enough, earlier this week the phone rings and its some guy asking where they went wrong, how they can do better, so they can train staff etc. "Where did you go wrong? Well let me tell you..." What a giant load of wank. Here's the first thing anyone should tell their employees: when a customer is losing his shit, go tell a manager. Hopefully they have half a clue about sorting it out because waiting until after someone is fucked off seems like an unproductive way to do your job.
And with that lets get on with a whole new update. I'm happy to forgo any sort of weekend rap this week because it was unremarkable in almost every way, except perhaps for this Saturday sunset. Alright done. Go enjoy yourselves below, or don't but just make sure you check it...
Home Sheep - Fit Goddess - In The Shit - The Undercroft - Clever Ad - Crazy Hail - Funky Beats - Facist - Tightass
K-TF-O! - On The Spit - Typical Japan - Scorned - Serial Psycho - Beach 'Babe' - Still Perfect - Epic Boozies - So Stupid
Dignity Fail - Cum Hater - Its Too Big - Racist Pigs - The Twins - Hood Porn - Bad Omen - I'm Speechless - Insta-diet
Trevor the Auckland sheep farmer was balls deep into his favourite ewe, when his dog came up and started to lick his arse, although this made him come quicker, he couldn't help but think that dogs were dirty bastards.
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I felt my wallet go from my back pocket, I spun round glaring at the black bloke behind me and said "Okay where's my wallet?" "Oh right" he says "I'm the only black man here so it has to be me does it?" "No offence Winston" I said "But we're on a fucking tandem".
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A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!" The dentist thought to himself "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain". So the dentist asks him "Which tooth is it sir?" The man turned to his wife and said "Open your mouth Love, and show him..."
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A golfer who was known for his bad temper walked into the pro shop one day and plunked down big bucks for a new set of Woods. The staff all watched to see what would happen after he used them for the first time... more than half expecting he'd come in and demand his money back. But the next time he came in, he was all smiles. "They're the best clubs I've ever had" he said. "In fact, I've discovered I can throw them at least 40 yards farther than I could my last ones".
ORSM VIDEO
BEER FACTS EVERYONE NEEDS TO KNOW
-A pint of Guinness has fewer calories than Coors and Budweiser and has more flavor than them. Guinness draft has fewer calories than a serving of skim milk, which has 135 calories. It also has fewer calories than a serving of orange juice, which contains 183 calories. Twelve ounces of Guinness contains only 125 calories.
-The global beer industry is forecast to have a value of $496.6 billion in 2014 compared to the global wine industry which is expected to reach $327.8 billion in 2016.
-It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" or what we know today as the "honeymoon".
-Back in 2009 a small Michigan microbrewery called Dark Horse turned down a potentially huge endorsement deal with Nickelback. The spot would have involved a delivery truck pulling up to a frat party with crowd shots of kids holding the beers. Dark Horse ultimately declined because they hated like Nickelback.
-Snow Beer in China is the most popular beer, with 74.8 million barrels sold in 2012.
-Germany serves beer ice cream in popsicle form. Sadly its alcoholic content is less than that found in a standard beer.
-In the Czech Republic, the average person drinks 346 12-ounce bottles of beer per year - the most of any other country.
-Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb".
-The moon has a crater named Beer.
-Pale lagers and pilsners account for the top 10 most popular beer brands in the world.
-In 1962, Iron City beer was the brand used to test-market the concept of tab opening aluminium cans. By 1970, over 90% of all beer cans were self-opening.
-In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts so in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's".
-At 65 percent alcohol by volume, Armageddon from Brewmaster in Scotland is the world's strongest beer.
-A beer lover or enthusiast is called a cerevisaphile. Cenosillicaphobia is the fear of an empty glass.
-Beer helped Joseph Priestly discover oxygen. He noticed gases rising from the big vats of beer at a brewery and asked to do some experiments.
-Prohibition, beginning on January 16, 1920, lasted 13 years, 10 months, 19 days, 17 hours, and 32-1/2 minutes, and was rescinded on December 5, 1933, at 3:32 p.m.
-At spas in Europe, you can literally bathe in beer as a physical and mental therapeutic treatment.
-Beer was the reason the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock. It's clear from the Mayflower's log that the crew didn't want to waste beer looking for a better site. The log goes on to state that the passengers "were hassled ashore and made to drink water that the seamen might have the more beer".
-Beer contains high levels of silicon, which have been found to increase mineral density in bones, according to researchers. In other words - drink more!
-Centuries ago in England, pub visitors used a novel innovation that enabled them to get their beer served quickly. They used mugs with a whistle baked into the rim, the whistle being used to summon the barmaid. It has been suggested this practice gave birth to the phrase "wet your whistle".
-Oktoberfest originally started as a festival celebrating the 1810 marriage of Crown Prince Ludwig.
-At the start of Bavarian Beer Week in Germany, an open-air beer fountain dispenses free beer to the public.
-After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armour or even shirts. In fact, the term "berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.
-Beer is easiest on the kidneys among alcoholic beverages because it has the highest water content. In other words - drink more!
-Germany is home to a beer pipeline. Taps in Veltsin-Arena are connected by a 5km tube of beer.
-During the European Middle Ages and the Renaissance, beer was often a nutritional necessity and was sometimes used in a medicinal setting. It could be flavoured with almost anything, from the bark of fir trees to fresh eggs and thyme. Everyone drank beer, including children.
-Nobel Prize winner Niels Bohr was given a perpetual supply of beer piped into his house.
-In 1740, Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and called Admiral Vernon, Old Grog, after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore. The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy", a word still in use today.
-The Code of Hammurabi decreed that bartenders who watered down beer would be executed.
-President Theodore Roosevelt took more than 500 gallons of beer with him on an African safari.
-At the Wife Carrying World Championships, first prize is the wife's weight in beer.
-In the middle ages "nunchion" was the word for liquid lunches. It was a combination of the words "noon scheken", or noon drinking. In those days, a large chunk of bread was called lunch. So if you ate bread with your nunchion, you had what we still today call a luncheon.
-A cloud near the constellation Aquila contains enough ethyl alcohol to fill 400 trillion, trillion pints of beer.
-Fried beer won Most Creative Fried Food at the 2010 Texas State Fair.
-By the 1900s most saloons were owned by breweries. The bartenders earned $10 to $15 per week, with Sunday bringing in the most business.
-Coined in the early 1900s, the word "alcoholiday" means leisure time spent drinking.
-Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
-The builders of the Great Pyramid of Giza were paid with a daily ration of beer.
-In the 1980s, a beer-drinking goat was elected mayor of Lajitas, TX.
-There is an Egyptian beer, called 'Bousa' that is brewed from millet and has been a favourite drink of many for over 3,000 years. Modern Ethiopia has a version made from wheat. It has been hypothesized that this might have been the origin for the word "booze". Other spellings used are boza, bouza, and booza.
I'M DIGGING THE STOCKINGS |
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You think you have lived to be 80 plus and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked "Are you a real pilot?" He replied "Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?"
She said "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women".
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked "Are you a real pilot?" He replied "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian".
ORSM VIDEO
A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him. He said "Take the dog for a walk".
GIRLS WHO CAN LICK THEIR OWN BOOBS |
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CRISIS ON SESAME STREET
NEW YORK (AP) - Big Bird, the famed friendly Muppet of Sesame Street, has apparently gone on a rampage. Several Muppet's are known to be dead: including Bert - long-time friend, room-mate and occasional lover of Ernie. The bird is now reportedly holding Maria hostage in a five floor tenement near Hooper's store. New York city SWAT teams have surrounded the building.
NEW YORK (AP) - Big Bird, Sesame Street Muppet, is reported dead at this hour after a 1.5 hour hostage stand-off with New York police. Kermit the Frog, Sesame Street Muppet on the scene, reports that as police stormed the five story tenement where the bird was holding Maria, Big Bird flew out an upper story window at them in a Kamikaze like attack. Police SWAT units brought the bird down in a hail of automatic weapons fire.
NEW YORK (AP) - The professor and his assistant, Beaker, Muppet chemists, have reportedly found angel dust in Big Bird's feed. Big Bird was killed by police early this morning after the bird went on a killing spree on Sesame Street. Maria, taken hostage during the ordeal has survived unharmed. Three Muppet's were killed by the bird: Prairie Dawn (a friendly, pigtailed muppet girl-child), Oscar the Grouch (a green garbage-dwelling grumpy Muppet) and Bert (the famous paper clip collector and pigeon friend). Authorities say that the bad seed was purchased the local Hooper's.
NEW YORK (AP) - Police are asking motorists to stay away from Sesame Street today as tensions are running high among the Muppet's. Many reportedly are outraged at the tainted food supply and at how the police handled the situation. According to bystanders on the scene at the time, Mr Snuffleupagus pleaded the police to be allowed to talk Big Bird. Instead the police stormed the building with deadly results.
NEW YORK (AP) - Violence erupted again today on Sesame Street as thousands of humans driving home enraged Muppet's. In at least one case, ten Muppet's pulled a motorist from his car and beat him with large Styrofoam letters.
NEW YORK (AP) - Police and fire units have been called to Sesame Street. Reporters on the scene describe a nightmarish atmosphere. Furry Muppet's ranging in size from only inches to seven feet in height are looting Hooper's store and firebombing the entire neighbourhood. Orange and blue firelight is rising over many buildings. Cardboard backdrops and storehouses full of numbers and letters are burning to the ground. Muppets are taunting fireman and police from windowsills above the street with counting and alphabet songs.
NEW YORK (AP) - Morning light has brought an eerie calm to Sesame Street after a night of rioting. Smoke rises from most buildings. On the street, lifeless crumpled fur lies in mute testament of the night of wild outrage. Unknown numbers of Muppet's have died or been shot to death by police in full riot gear. The Count was reported running down the street crying and yelling "Ten, Ten lifeless Muppet bodies". No humans were hurt in the rioting although several people reported rug burns.
NEW YORK (AP) - Ernie, gay friend and roommate of the murdered Muppet Bert, broke his two day silence today with a eulogy address at a mass Muppet funeral. The following is a complete transcript of his address: "I come here today to honour a man I loved. A man who was loved by millions around the world. Bert was a giant among Muppet's. His paper clip collection was viewed with awe by many of the world's leaders. Just one year ago, as President Clinton campaigned on Sesame Street for the Muppet vote, it was Bert who told us all "Anyone who can hang as many paperclips together as Bill Clinton, can certainly run the country". I also came here today to honour Big Bird. Bird was such a loving creature. His large size and colour alarmed many who first met him, but it was his innocent and curious nature which taught us all to love him. Bird wouldn't have wanted us to remember him or memorialize him with violence. All he ever wanted was for all creatures to 'just get along' with each other. Big Bird has come to a bad end, friends, but it wasn't his fault. It was just some bad seed.
WHAT'S WITH THE BITCH FACE? |
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ORSM VIDEO
BLOW JOBS: WHAT GIRLS SAY
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - no, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER okay to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my block of chocolate.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behaviour to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathise or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".
SOMETHING SOMETHING BRIDGETTE SOMETHING... |
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BLOW JOBS: WHAT GUYS SAY
1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!
6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.
7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavour country.
8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!
12. Make hay when the sun shines. Its "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old AND fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".
13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?
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ORSM VIDEO
A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied in a loud voice: " NO I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The guy then responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ... THAT'S TOO MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".
LIFE ON THE GANGES |
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A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.
The Taliban asked "Do you have water?" The soldier replied "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5". The Taliban shouted "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!" "Okay" said the soldier "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need".
Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration and rasped... "They won't let me in without a fucking tie!"
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A farmer goes in half with a friend to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. A couple of weeks later the friend comes by to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't look at the cows. His friend suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.
The following week his friend returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks delighted "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbour's cows!" "Wow" says his friend "what did the vet do to that bull?" "Just gave him some pills'" said the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asked his friend. "I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint".
SANDRA ROMAIN |
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A 90-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
George replies "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off".
"Wow, that's incredible" the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel" he says "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof, the light goes off?"
"Oh shit!" exclaims Ethel. "He's pissing in the refrigerator again!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Well that happened. I guess all we can do now is...
-Check out the site archives. If you knew what you were missing you'd already be there.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Just sayin'.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will make sure you celebrate your birthday all by yourself.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and STOP THE CLOCK! STOP THE CLOCK! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2013.11.14-19.12 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Call me daddy, bitch!
I started last week's update with the words "Going on two weeks and unbelievably, I'm still carless". Unfortunately that part of the story remains unchanged except we're now going on three weeks. It got to Friday lunchtime and I called yet again to ask what time I could pick the car up. You can imagine my disbelief when it emerged they now had to wait for ANOTHER part and it wouldn't arrive until Wednesday. I lost my shit at that point. SERIOUSLY WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? I probably could have kept it together but when someone 'sighs' or says "Mm-hhhm" every time you ask a question or ask them to go find out an answer or when someone's massive incompetence is impacting your life and they have the gall to give you attitude, then gloves are off.
The most ironic thing is at the end of every phone call I'm sure she bitches to her co-workers just how much of a cunt I am but let's face facts - there is no repair of any locally-made car that should take THREE weeks. Following a front end bingle last year, the panel beaters had the car back to me in less than a week. Secondly, not once did they do a single thing to minimise my frustration. A simple "Look this is completely out of our control [or we messed up parts ordering] and we're really sorry" would have gone a long way. I couldn't even get through to, or a return call from, a manager. My next step will be to start paying to promote factual, non-defamatory posts on Facebook and Ad Words. After such a bad experience I feel it important to warn others thinking of using their "service".
Aaaand breath. This whole thing has left me fucking angsty. Last time I didn't have a car was years ago when I got wiped out by a retard. My car was a write-off and along with it went my freedom and independence so this almost feels like the same thing except back then I relied on mates to transport me around the place. Nowadays though everyone is busy with their kids and whatever so it's the GF or nothing which is a nice way of saying I'm mostly confined to the fucking house.
Speaking of the house. The last couple of weeks have been low activity but apparently that fires up again tomorrow with some bricklaying. In the meantime I spent half of Friday site cleaning. There was a monstrous pile of rubbish which needed moving so rather than repeat mistakes of the past and cart it to the local tip one trailer load at a time, we ordered a skip bin had everything finished in a fraction of the time for half the cost.
Saturday started as low-key as a Saturday can start - stuck at home all morning. Not such a bad thing considering I'd stumbled in around 2am very, very drunk after an all-sorts-of-awesome boy's night. Made the most of it fixing and updating a mates website. The niggling on that one has been going for months. Finally made my exit around midday. Drove the 20 minutes to pick up tow car and trailer, drove 20 minutes back, load a tonne of cement bags on the trailer, then ran them over to the new house and unload. The next task was to jackhammer a giant chunk of waste concrete left over by a concrete mixer. If only it weren't a giant chunk the operation might have been so much easier. So chunky it was that a sledgehammer had absolutely no effect and the jackhammer wasn't much better. Okay so it was the cheapest, most useless one ever made but that's no excuse for the hammering bits to detach and embed in the chunk. Sadly, an Excalibur moment did not follow and they remained deeply embedded... until Monday when a loader lifted the entire chunk and placed it in the skip. Could have saved me hours dammit.
That night, southward to Fremantle to some tapas restaurant. This relates back to what I blogged last week about customer service in this city. This particular restaurant has okay food and it could never be confused for fine dining but makes up for it with exceptional staff and service. They're pleasant, friendly and attentive. Far cry from the mentality of most other businesses these days. All it takes really.
Punched out a coast walk Sunday under attack from flies. Less than a minute after I said those fateful words "I just don't want to swallow a fly" one kamikazied himself right down my throat. That embarrassing moment when you're standing on a footpath with dozens of people nearby coughing and grunting. Next up was dim sum with the fam before returning to the beach for a swim. Still bordering on a too cold water temp but bikinis were out in force so its something I'm prepared to suffer through. Rest of the day - visited my gran, visited friends and like this seemingly unending clutter of words, that was about it! On with the update. Check it...
Drawfender - Delivery Prank - Lesbians React - Third Hand - Good To Know - GTA IRL - Dirty Girl - Miley Vaj - Worst Tats
Bitch Scream! - Abnormal - Oops My Bad - W-T-FUCK - Sucker Punch - Fuck Toy - Beautiful Gasm - Jittery - Sinister
Revenge BJ - Heisted - I WANT! - We Told You! - Squirty As - Drunk Slut - Boner-ific - Incredible - Need 2 Know
Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said "Maggie - put your hat and coat on, lassie". She replied "Awe Jock that's nice - are you taking me tae the pub with yae?" "Nay" Jock replied "I'm switching the heating off while I'm out".
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A man notices his thirteen-year-old son has been walking around for a week with a hard-on in his pants, and figures the boy needs some relief. He gives the kid twenty dollars and says "Take this to the whorehouse at the other end of town, and have some fun". Well, the whorehouse is a good hour walk each way, but the boy returns in only 45 minutes. The father says "Where were you?" "Well" says the boy "When I walked by Grandma's house she asked where I was going and I told her. She said 'Why don't you just come in here instead, and I'll do you for free'. So that's what I did".
The father, outraged, screams "Are you telling me you fucked MY MOTHER?" "What's the big deal?" says the boy "You fuck mine!"
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If Cinderella's shoe fit so perfectly why'd it fall off?
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Woman: "Do you drink beer?" Man: "Yes" Woman: "How many beers a day?" Man: "Usually about 3" Woman: "How much do you pay per beer?" Man: "$5.00 which includes a tip" Woman: "And how long have you been drinking?" Man: "About 20 years, I suppose" Woman: "So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 am I correct?" Man: "Correct" Woman: "If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?" Man: "Correct" Woman: "Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?" Man: "Do you drink beer?" Woman: "No" Man: "Where's your Ferrari?"
ORSM VIDEO
ROOMMATES FROM HELL
-I had a flatmate in Cairo that was OCD. If I left ANYTHING at all out of place he would duct-tape it to my door at night while I slept. He did this a couple times with my shoes and all the time with pens, notebooks, even bowls of cereal I may have forgot in the sink.
-My freshman year roommate used to masturbate when he thought I was asleep and I had to cough really loud and move around so he knew I was awake to get him to stop.
-My second freshman-year roommate fell asleep listening (loudly) to the Lord of the Rings soundtracks on her computer speakers. I love LOTR but waking up to the music from battle sequences at 4am is terrifying.
-A girl we vaguely knew got kicked out by her landlord, so we let her stay at ours for a few days. On the first night, she screamed at me for opening a packet of crisps "the wrong way up" then tied bundles of herbs to all the doors for a reason she never fully explained but as far as we could tell, was to keep witches out. Thankfully she didn't stay long.
-One of my college roommates briefly dated a guy who seemed a little eccentric, but nice. One Saturday morning, she had to run an errand - he was hungover and decided to hang out in our living room until she came back. Not really a big deal. But eventually my boyfriend and I had to run out too, leaving him alone in the apartment. I was pulling out of the parking lot when I realised I left my wallet on my desk. My boyfriend offered to run back in and grab it for me. When he opened the door to my bedroom, he found the guy crouching in the corner, next to my closet. Without any pants on, wearing one of my scarves.
-One flatmate kept pet white rats who would crawl all over him. Quite cute. Then they had a litter of babies. Even cuter. Except we went round after the pub one night to silence and a strange smell. Found him in his room, high on meth, surrounded by eight rat corpses. He'd broken their necks. One by one.
-At college my first year roommate used to masturbate in her sleep. I would wake up to find her moaning with her hands down her pants playing with herself. She had been totally unaware that she did this because she never shared a room with anyone growing up. This went on for 6 months. She even tried putting mittens on but she would take them off in her sleep. Finally, after therapy, doctor visits and many sleepless nights, the college decided they had to give her a single. Longest 6 months of my life.
-Freshman year. She didn't respect me or my things. One day I came home after a long, late night rehearsal (I'm in theatre), and there were two large black gentlemen asleep in my room. One of them was in my bed. She was nowhere to be found. I'm a little white girl, but I have a short fuse. I woke them up screaming and said to get out of my room. Thankfully they confusedly obliged. I then locked myself in for the night. She apparently hadn't taken this too well. I came home late again the next night from rehearsal. The room was trashed. I learned from a neighbour that she had brought the same men back, drank all night, and made a lot of noise. I then found broken glass in my bed and a bizarre substance that I could not identify but reeked awfully. I also found a small mountain of broken items under my bed. In this treasure trove, I found my favourite mug smashed to pieces, some of my silverware bent to hell, some of my papers torn up, and the broken bottom of her lava lamp. It was lava in my bed? Then I notice something small and charred in the lava lamp stump. It also reeked. It was kind of iridescent, but very burnt. I looked around the room thinking about what it could be. My eyes fell on an empty fish bowl. Her beta fish was no longer there. I moved out before I found a new place to live. She replaced me with a girl from down the hall who had almost been expelled for strangling her old roommate. I hope they enjoyed each other!
-My roommate and his GF are the weirdest people I've ever met. He goes into the bathroom and takes a poop, and his GF just walks into the bathroom with him. While he's taking a dump, they both start having a conversation and she starts screaming that his poop smells. I don't care how in love you are, you should do number 2 by yourself.
-One time I left for the weekend. When I came back to the dorm my roommate greeted me with "I was sleeping on your bed and accidentally got period blood on it. No big deal though".
-I let my roommate borrow my dishes and when she washed them, she dries them off with the towel she uses on her body after she showers!
-My first roommate was naked all the time. She used to try to hug me while she was naked. She also, within the first two weeks of living together, told me we would live together after we graduated and that she planned on going on all trips to visit my boyfriend at the time, who was in the navy. I also got really sick that semester and needed surgery, which put me really behind in my classes. I wasn't sure I would catch up which really stressed me out. She walked in on me crying once and then told the RA that she thought I might be suicidal and possibly anorexic. My illness caused me to lose a lot of weight. This spread to the rest of the floor and made things very uncomfortable for me for a while.
-I had one that after I told her that I wasn't going to be wearing a particular piece of lingerie for Valentine's Day took it from my bedroom, cut the tags off and shortened the straps. [I'm much taller than her] and then hid it in her room. She lied to my face about having it and another roommate and I had to search her stuff to get it back.
-I had a roommate with a crazy live in boyfriend. One night the boyfriend got angry at the roommate for going to a party with co-workers so he set the house on fire in the middle of the night -my boyfriend and I fast asleep inside- and fled. That was a fun night.
-My Iranian flatmate's friends from Africa and the Middle East used to have parties... and one by one, little by little they stole almost everything from the house including my bicycle, router, took a piss in our bath tub, in the toilet brush holder etc. Took hard drugs every other day and they were students, supposedly. Now this Iranian guy's bike is locked to my radiator until he gets my bike back (won't happen because in reality they weren't even his friends so they basically effed him over along the line) plus he had to clean up his friends piss from the bath tub.
-I walked in this morning after a long night to see that the TV was gone - MY TV! Turns out one of my roommates decided to take it to another room so they could watch a movie. Really?
-My roommate is always complaining that she never has any money and that she is a poor college student. Here is some advice: don't spend THIRTY FOUR dollars on a solar powered water bottle.
-I was going on vacation over the time that rent was due, so I post-dated a cheque for my roommate. Told her "DO NOT CASH THIS UNTIL RENT IS DUE". She agreed. I went on vacation. Card declined. Checked my bank account. She had cashed the cheque two days early. Her excuse? "When I normally cash a check, it takes 2 days to clear! I didn't think it would go so fast!" She cost me $300+ in bounced fees, I ended up having to close the account because I would be having overdraft fees for months, new cheques etc.
-In college, I got a new roommate. People would say "Hi Katie" and she would say "That's not me, she's my twin". However, she wore a coat with the name Katie on it. She had no pictures of this twin and her twin never visited or called. Turns out there was no twin, she had gone to the school previously and had a bad reputation and didn't want people to know it was her. She was a little strange.
-She took my expensive makeup, lied about having it, and then accused me of intruding in her space when I found it in her bathroom.
"My flatmate failed to realise that you had to boil potatoes before mashing them. I walked in on him hitting a potato with a masher.
-I don't have a roommate but I have a bunch of hall mates and the girls bathroom is right outside my door whereas the boys bathroom is all the way down the hall so when I'm drunk and need to piss, I go in the girls bathroom and piss on all their toilette paper. I think its the funniest thing in the world so I guess I'm the weird roommate.
-My roommate got caught smoking weed in my dorm room while I was away for Christmas break. He used all the expensive cologne that my dad bought me and burned a candle that I was saving as a gift for someone. Also whenever I buy soda or food he gets into it after smoking pot saying "I thought you would be fine with it" or "You gave me one so I thought it would be okay if I had another one". Then when I want to borrow a computer cord for an hour or two he says no. "Why?" I ask. "Because I'm not in the mood". Funny he is never in the mood to give but always in the mood to receive.
GIRLS ON BIKES |
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COMPANY POLICY
Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water.
After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water. This continues through several more attempts. Pretty soon, when an ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes all try to prevent it.
Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.
Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.
After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes, which have been sprayed with cold water, have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs.
Why?
Because that's the way they've always done it and that's the way it's always been around here. And that's how company policy begins...
ORSM VIDEO
There was once an Irish actor who did Shakespearean plays, but had aged and could no longer remember his lines! After many years, he finds himself in the Halifax Theatre in Canada, where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress".
The Irish actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he was practicing his line over and over again.
Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress".
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried "You have ruined me!"
The Irish actor was bewildered "What happened, did I forget my line?" "No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"
REDHEADS... nom or fail? |
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HAVE YOU GOT WHAT IT TAKES TO JOIN THE PUBLIC SERVICE
Hello. Welcome to this year's public service entrance exam.
I see that all of you have been able to find yourself a seat and a desk so obviously you've got what it takes to be public servants. Should you pass this exam and become a member of the public service, you will enjoy not only the esteem and envy of all your friends but also a unique package of fringe benefits, including: an early retirement scheme which allows you to retire while still turning up for work; flexitime which enables you to decide when you don't want to work at work and when you don't want to work away from work; plus free use of government stationery this has been facilitated by the introduction of eight-items-or-less lanes as you leave the building.
I must at this stage warn all examinees that anyone found cheating or copying from their neighbour's paper will be automatically assigned to ASIO - regardless of whether they fail the intelligence test. ESPECIALLY if they fail the intelligence test.
MATHEMATICS
Please answer the following questions in the spaces provided on your answer sheet.
1. If you went to lunch at 12 noon and came back to work at 2.30pm how long have you had for lunch?
-The answer of course, half an hour.
2. If one public servant takes 3 hours to process a 321/L3/MX1 form how long would it take two public servants to process the same form?
-The answer is, of course, four hours.
For those of you who failed the maths test, you are still be eligible to become a tax policy adviser.
MULTIPLE CHOICE
1. If you are about to take your lunchbreak and a female member of the general public comes with an inquiry, you should address her by saying:
a. Can I help you, madam?
b. Can I help you, miss?
c. What can I do you for, mate?
d. How's tricks, doll-face?
The correct answer is: None of the above. This is a trick question. If you are about to take your lunchbreak, you shouldn't talk to her at all.
2. If a member of the general public phones up with a complaint and you realise that the file on this matter has been lost, you should say:
a. We are looking into the matter
b. Can I get back to you on this one?
c. The matters have been referred to another committee.
d. I haven't had a chance to look into it yet.
The correct answer is that you should tell them that they have the wrong telephone extension.
SPELLING
Spell the following words:
a. Tea
b. Sickie
c. Lunchbreak
d. Go-slow
This is the end of the examination. Please sign your exam paper illegibly and pass it to those collecting them, while denying that you have ever seen or heard anything about it.
WET T-SHIRT |
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READER MAIL
You know the deal. This is where reader submissions from people just like YOU are posted. Its everything/nothing and I'm okay with that. If you'd like to be a part of it then whatever you can stick in an email and send scurrying towards me down the internets is very welcome. All you must do is click here and make the magic happen. Anyway... lets do it...
<with held> wrote:
Subject: R8
So, first thing you see when you see the state of this R8? Well we thought that they must have been doing a turbo conversion.. Nope.. This is what you need to do, to do the "simple" task of REPLACING THE AIR CONDITIONING COMPRESSOR! WTF?!
Spoke to a mate who is in the know about this stuff. Apparently the back end of these type of cars [Audi, Lambo etc] are easily removable. Undo a dozen or so bolts and the whole thing just drops off. In other words it looks worse than it is. -Orsm |
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Joe wrote:
Subject: Craigslist in Cincy
looking for hung guy to flash my wife
Cannot think of a single way in which this could end badly... -Orsm |
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DontAsk wrote:
Subject: Emailing
At the end of the Melbourne Cup on Tuesday, studies show:
-Between 90% to 100% of the horses will have bleeding lungs. 56% will have the blood pushed up through their windpipe and, in severe cases, out their nostrils (exercise induced pulmonary haemorrhaging)
-Approximately 86% will be suffering from stomach ulcers, as a result of not being given the opportunity to naturally graze and level out their hydrochloric acid secretion which is produced throughout the day in grazing animals. (Race horses are kept in stables up to 22hrs a day and only fed 2-3 times daily.)
-Most will end up being killed for dog food at a knackery (horse abattoir) when they are no longer financially viable
-The horses in the race would've been of the roughly 30% bred for the racing industry which "made it". The remaining 70% would've already been killed, simply because they couldn't run fast enough or for sustaining an injury from being physiologically pushed too young and/or too hard. 18,000 horses are killed each year as the result of horse racing in Australia. Please reconsider your support of this industry. |
Paul wrote:
Subject: OB GYN
Hello Mr. O. Hope all is well. What a great name for an OB- GYN doctor!! Perfect for random shite!! Stay cool and as always, loved the site for years now. |
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phil wrote:
Subject: Stewie in the mens room
Hi, attached is a couple of pics I took last night in the mens room in Harrison Ar.
Someone drew a pic of Stewie Griffin on the restroom air freshener. I thought it was
kinda clever. Thanks
Banksy? -Orsm |
Mike wrote:
Subject: Florida Driver's License Eye Test
FLORIDA DRIVERS LICENSE EYE TEST FOR ELDERLY MALES: ........... YOU MUST ...... Identify the woman from North Dakota. Study this photo ~ you only have ..... TEN MINUTES to pick her out ~ or ~ lose your FLORIDA drivers license ...... Yeah, I know, this is a tough one! |
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Steve wrote:
Subject: IMG
Hey Orsm, Devon's version of Fuckbook !!!!! Win !!!! Steve UK
No such woman exists... not any attractive ones anyway. -Orsm |
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scott wrote:
Subject: Halloween
americanized
I would have missed that if it weren't for the comment. -Orsm |
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Bill wrote:
Subject: Emailing
updated Halloween terminology |
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Kirum wrote:
Subject: Balling Like a Jaluo
Jaluos, in East Africa, are know to be all flashy and showmanship is in their blood. |
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Brian wrote:
Subject: Emailing
nuts are too tight.... (carefull)
Fucking hell. Forget how it got on there... HOW THEY GONNA GET IT OFF? -Orsm |
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Billy wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Be well my friend...
Yeah... not a good look. -Orsm |
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Andy p wrote:
Subject: Face book
Just found this on face book wtf. Love the site keep up the good work |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
News of the day. Please withold Name. Cheers |
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robert wrote:
Subject: Jims mowing?
Jim, he's an ideas man! |
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ronald wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Her pussy and my dick she is beautifull. kind regards ronald&chantal
Would have just been happy with vaj pics. Thanks though. -Orsm |
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Marc wrote:
Subject: Botched boobjob
Debbie, had her breasts enlarged 15 years ago when she worked in the adult entertainment industry, increasing her chest size five times to a J cup. After the surgery she developed an infection in her right breast, and the surgeon who conducted the operation was nowhere to be found. Seeking new medical help, a different doctor agreed to remove the infected implant and skin — but only operated on one breast leaving her with one J cup and one smaller boob. |
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URGHH wrote:
Subject: Bizarre and Astonishing Facts!
We are willing to make a safe bet: You've probably haven't heard of most of these interesting yet bizarre facts! Well this is your chance to learn some things that will wow your friends and family! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ex girlfriend
Here are some pics of my ex, Caroline. Please hide my details. Enjoy, I did ??
Sorry dude - not hot. -Orsm |
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THORNTON wrote:
Subject: ANC
Here is what a peaceful ANC demonstration looks like. 31 October 2013. All the stores in the area get pillaged. Any car found on the street is wrecked, anyone who does not partake in the looting is attacked, But don't worry this is all in the name of Piece!!! And when you ask an ANC member what the protest is for: "To get free stuff baba". The real reason: To have free housing and land for the unemployed. That land will be taken by force from those who won it!!! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: The ex
Pic's of the ex. Please withhold details
That's more like it. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: 3D Latte Art
So clever. Some People Should Never, Ever Quit Their Day Jobs.
Kazuki Yamamoto is a Japanese barista who constructs eye-popping works of 3D art using just foam and coffee. |
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xitz wrote:
Subject: RIO'S WELCOME SIGN FOR THE 2016 OLYMPICS
"Solar City Tower" built atop the island of Cotonduba, will be the welcome symbol to the 2016 Olympic Games in Rio de Janeiro. It will be seen by the game visitors and participants as they arrive by air or water.
Concept only but still cool. -Orsm |
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Lads wrote:
Subject: Parasite
This is what can happen if you eat too much protein.. Especially pork meat but can be from anything. Google it. The risk is a lot higher for bodybuilder's who take a lot of protein supplements.
Aint nothing right about that. I'm too scarred to Google if its true. -Orsm |
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<with held>
Subject: Emailing
ORSM prob just a random camslut with but epic tits hold details. bro
Amazing. That is all. -Orsm |
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Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!
Air Force one arrives at Heathrow, out steps President Obama who strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the outskirts of London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage pulled by 6 white horses. They continue into London to the cheers of the crowds.
Suddenly, the rear right horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers must use handkerchiefs to cover their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to the President "Mr President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand that there are something's even a Queen cannot control".
Obama, always trying to be 'Presidential' replied "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses...
ORSM VIDEO
Two Kiwi's are working on a Building site in Auckland. Phul (Phil) and Muck (Mick).
Anyway Phul turns to Muck and says "Cawww I've gotta take a piss, but there's nowhere to go, eh" "Walk out to the ind of thit plank" replies Muck "I'll stand on this ind and balance ut" "Are You sure Muck?" "Yis, no worries" "100%?" "YIS!"
So out goes Phul to take a piss and the lunch siren sounds, Muck forgets what he's supposed to be doing and steps off the plank and Phul is a goner.
A few days later an Australian, a Frenchman and a bloke from IN ZID (New Zealand) are sitting in a bar discussing which of their respective nations chase women the hardest.
Wazza the Aussie says "Mate I've been known to miss a piss up session down the pub with me mates trying to crack on to sheilas!"
Pierre, the Frenchman says "No no no! Ve French chase ze women with much zest and give them gifts of love like French champagne to win their affection. It is us vor sure!"
Meanwhile Bob (the Kiwi) sits laughing and says "You blokes are both wrong! The other days I was walking past a building site in Auckland following these two gorgeous looking birds and this bloke came plummeting from the sky with his dick in his hand screaming "CUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTT!!!"
FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS |
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NOT SURE I AGREE...
Say a guy asks you out. Stop and think about your comparative economic situations. The odds are, he makes more money than you do. Guys don't generally date "up", and even if professionally you're at the same level, he's getting paid more money for doing the exact same job. So he can afford to pay for you. (Frankly, if you're hoping to marry and have children with this man, he's making enough money to support a family when you have to take a maternity leave and raise his offspring.) But, in case you need more justification, read on:
Now, for him to ask you out, think about how you looked when he saw you. Your haircut? It cost more than his. Your clothes? Not only are they more expensive, but women's fashions change more rapidly than men's, so you've spent far more money getting dressed. And when you take it to the dry cleaners, or the laundry, they charge you more, even though there's less fabric. Even if every line item in your wardrobe was identical, think about the two items that you have that he doesn't: that bra (and probably not a cheap one, you were wearing - the Wonderbra, or he wouldn't have bothered in the first place) and pantyhose. Expensive, and they run.
Oh, did I mention cosmetics? So, it's cost you a lot more money, just to get to the point where he's inclined to ask you out. And HE asked YOU out. In business, if someone asks you to lunch, they're paying, right? You don't even think about this, do you? Okay. So, he comes to pick you up. That apartment of yours?
Because you're a woman, you have to think about living in a safe (read: more expensive) neighbourhood. You insist on an "upper" apartment, which is at least $100 more a month. How about the pepper spray in your purse, or the cell phone for emergencies? How many guys have that stuff to defend themselves from those marauding bands of female rapists and muggers? How about all the times you've valet parked because you don't want to walk a block or two in THAT neighbourhood? If you live in New York, all the times you've taken a cab home instead of the subway because it's not safe for a woman to be out at that hour?
You go out, you let him pay. It goes well, because even if they bitch and moan about it, paying does make them feel like a man so he keeps asking you out. So, why not reach for the wallet now?
Are you planning to have sex with him? So, that annual check-up you get just to make sure that all the parts are working properly? Unless your gynaecologist knows the insurance scam, that's at least $100 a year that's not covered. And then, there's the birth control issue. Okay, at first, maybe for a while, you're using condoms. He might even be paying for some of those, at pennies a pop. But we've done the math. We know what the failure rates are there. So even if Trojan Man is paying a visit, we're probably employing a backup method. You read Cosmo. You know. Everything is expensive and laden with hideous, probably not entirely known, side effects. The only inexpensive, side-effect-free method of birth control is the word NO. Which doesn't always work, and that's expensive and really shitty if it fails.
So there you have it. He asked you to dinner, he picked the restaurant, let him pick up the tab. Be a charming companion - you know the expression "dining out on that story..." If you want to do something nice for him, make him dinner once in a while.
Buy really nice lingerie. Stock up on his favourite brand of condom. Pay for your half of the vacation. But never, ever, pay for the date. No amount of fancy sushi at can possibly compensate for what it cost you to get your butt in that chair. I'm all for equality, and letting a guy buy you dinner once in a while is a very fair way to even out the financial (and psychic) costs of being an attractive female that men want to buy dinner for.
RANDOM SHITE
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There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror admiring his body and noticed that he was sun-tanned all over, with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that. He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried himself in the sand... all except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.
A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady began to move the penis around with her cane.
Remarking to the other little old lady she said "There really is no justice in the world". The other little old lady asked "What do you mean by that?" The first little old lady replied "Look at that... when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat".
CASSIA RILEY |
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When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different. A farmer drove to a neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mum home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town".
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No, he went with mum and dad".
The Farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message".
"Well" said the farmer uncomfortably "No, I really want to talk to your dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment then says "You'll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard".
ORSM
VIDEO
Plenty of heart and soul in this update so hope you enjoyed it. If not it probably means I should give up my day job. While we all ponder that please read the following...
-Check out the site archives. Its the only place you can find them.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Same Bat time, same Bat channel.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will post negative comments on your companies Facebook wall.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and try not to be such a baby. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2013.11.07-18.58 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Is there anything Nutella can't do?
Going on two weeks and unbelievably, I'm still carless. What a debacle. I could probably live with the fact I'm being squeezed for every possible cent but when that comes oh-so-much attitude it fucks me off the maximum amount. I called the cuntface "mechanics" last Friday [day 5 of having my car] to see if there would be any chance it would be finished that day so I could organise a ride there. Not an unreasonable question especially considering they hadn't bothered to call me for 3 days. "Look" she says in the most condescending tone you have ever heard "I'm REALLY GOOD at keeping my clients up to date so I'll let you know when I know anything". What a fucking twit. High opinion of yourself much?
Funnily enough as it turns out that high opinion was for shit. Having heard zilch I called them again on Tuesday - still waiting for parts. "It's an Australian made car - how can you possibly not have parts yet?" "The part is coming from over east. By road". "What the...? Why not by air?" "You have to specifically request" "How come you didn't tell me that?" "Umm". This boys and girls is what it sounds like when you're being lied to. In reality its probably a $2 part that is broken but why fix it for $2 when you can hold the car for 2 weeks therefore implying its more serious than it actually is and stitch this guy up for a coupla grand right? All she has done is ensure I'll never go back there and will tell everyone I know to avoid also.
My next call was today. "Hi. Yeah your part JUST came in". An amazing coincidence that it arrives moments before I call. "So when will the car be ready?" "Maybe tomorrow". "I don't understand... the car has been there for 2 weeks. Would appreciate it being prioritised?" "We'll try. Thanks"... and hangs up the phone. See where I went wrong there? Since puberty, Big Pair Of Tits Service Girl has most likely rarely had to deal with guys that didn't want just want to titfuck her. Anyone that doesn't stroke that precious ego and get all gooey in her presence is treated with contempt.
And that is the epitome of all aspects of customer service here in Perth. You get charged top dollar to be treated like an imbecile. What Australia sadly lacks is a tipping culture. I used to think that countries which have that are stupid but have in recent years come to see the beauty - incentive. Here there is absolutely none because you get paid regardless.
My next highlight of the week was completely car related too. After spending all Friday confined to the house I was desperate to get out and do just about anything. The GF called from work with the idea of a hawkers market in the city. Sounded lame but as mentioned, desperado. Unfortunately the only way I was getting anywhere was via public transport. Ironic because I've spent a lifetime bagging it out. Why? Another major problem with this city is public transport and that's because poor city planning has allowed a relatively small population to sprawl out over a large area therefore the infrastructure is not entirely... awesome. Also, surely it would be impossible to make it all the way into the city without the obligatory "Got a smoke?" and subsequent beating that has become commonplace from a certain indigenous race nowadays. Long story short its hard to [read: you can't] live without a car. Anyway it got to late afternoon and I walked the few hundred metres from home to a bus stop, waited a couple til a bus rolled by, hopped on and rode to the nearest train station and voila...10 minutes later I was in the city. Almost too easy and perhaps a tiny bit humbling. Would go as far as to say if the only place I EVER had to go was the city then the car could potentially never come back. But alas...
The hawkers market ended up being kickass. Right in the city centre was a crapload of food tents with all types of weird and wonderful dishes. Everything from paella to dumplings to crocodile sausages. Spent a couple of hours there - first working out what looked best and then overindulging. Oh and for the record - croc sausages not that nice. Highly recommend checking out if you get a chance.
In between some fervent exercise, some cooking, quite a bit of house cleaning, a surprise party, the first ocean swim since last summer, even some shoe shopping, the rest of my weekend was spent working. Why? Scored an invite for Melbourne Cup day thing on Tuesday and had to make up for it is why. Destination: up and down the river on a big shiny boat drinking beer and just generally having a relaxing time. Every facet of life has been so ridiculously busy this year that simple shit like hanging out with mates has almost become a luxury. In other words I'm always very happy to do that when the opportunity presents.
Alright enough polly-waffle. Lets get on with the rest of the update and if you must know, what you're about to consume below is going to keep you fuckers occupied and amused more than anyone would reasonable expect. BY THE WAY - have hopefully resolved the motherfucking video issues now. Have upgraded the player and that should give better compatibility to most browsers as well as mobile users. Any problems please let me know! Okay onward and upward. Czech it...
Astroback - F-ing Insane!! - Locksmith Tales - Suck It Fag - Genius - Mind BLOWN - Ya Losers - No Dicks!! - Wonder Tits
Dat Ass - Prego Bloje - Cat Fight - Hi Cunt - Wild Party - Obliterated - Perfect 10 - Cum Targets - Happy Tears
Doubt That - Smash Her! - Ass Omelette - Splaaat! - Amaza-boobs - Nude Raider - Street Justice - Long Dong
A man took a young woman to an X-rated movie, purchased some refreshments and showed his date to her seat. Soon after the onscreen action started, she put her hand on the man's lap. Looking over at him, she remarked: "I see this is getting you excited too. But how come it's so cold?" "Because you're jerking off my choc bomb!" the man replied.
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Rape isn't funny unless you're raping a clown.
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We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately. It was raining so I couldn't play golf, go drinking or fish, so I talked to my wife for a few hours. She seems like a nice person.
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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbour's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the vet gave him... but they kind of taste like peppermint...
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A blind rabbit, and a blind snake meet in the woods. They start talking, and eventually become friends, and they agree to meet on a regular basis. On one of these meetings, the snake says "You know, we have talked a lot, but I am blind, and I don't know what you look like, do you mind if I feel you?" The rabbit agrees, and the snake feels him"... You are soft and cuddly, with a little cotton tail. Are you a rabbit?" "Why yes I am... may I check you out?" "Certainly" The bunny says "Hmmm, you seem to be cold and slimy, and you are choking the life out of me... are you by chance a lawyer?
ORSM VIDEO
SMART-ASS ANSWERS II [CONTINUED FROM HERE]
-A lady lost her handbag during a day of shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented "Hmmm... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty singles". The boy quickly replied "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have change for a reward".
-A rookie Police Officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with a more experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people in town who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and immediately observed a small crowd standing on one corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said "Let's get off the corner". No one moved, so he barked again "Let's get off the corner now!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked "Well, how did I do?" Pretty good "replied the veteran "considering this is a bus stop".
-A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.
-I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino and I wasn't sure how the machines operated. "Excuse me" I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?" The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button and operate the release handle. "And where does the money come out?" I asked. He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying "Usually at the ATM".
-When I went to get my driver's license renewed our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture". The woman beside him peered over his shoulder, then reassured him "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over, anyway".
-A college teacher reminded her pupils of the next day's final exam. "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-arsed kid at the back of the room raised his hand and asked "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said "Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand".
-"It's just too hot to wear clothes today" Jack says as he stepped out of the shower "Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money" she replied.
-A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you" she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place... and maybe stay for breakfast. The next morning she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible! "You know" he said "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No" she replies "You just happened to catch my eye".
-A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail. Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please" the father said. "Two round trip, three one way".
-A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The assistant replied "I'm afraid not, madam, they're all dead".
-A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them with a sack over each bird and only the legs showing. He sat right on the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible.
-The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him. When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him "The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued".
-I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle and a cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked jerk off. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires! So I called him a horses arse, he finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I could only imagine what the owner of the car will think when he sees all the tickets!
-A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she said "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub".
-Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss" he says "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff". "We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off". "Thanks, boss" says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"
-A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles". "She did" he replied. "But where the hell was I going to find a fake Jeep?"
SWIM ANYONE? |
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One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person".
Suddenly, the man realised his seat was right next to the Pope himself. But still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to him.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his bag and began working on it. "This is fantastic" thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance.
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the man and said "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?
The man was in shock. He could think of only one word that fit the description and he was not about to say it to the Pope. So the gentleman thought for a while longer, then it hit him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'".
"Of course!" said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
ORSM VIDEO
Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint.
Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them "I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind".
"Quattro is just the name of the car" the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers - this car is designed to carry five persons". "You can't pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here" she replies with a smile "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on".
The driver is now very cross and replies angrily "I've had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!" "Sorry" responds Tracey "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in a Fiat Uno".
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Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.
Dorothy said "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer".
Edna says "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there? A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvellous dinner - lobster, champagne, dessert, and after dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me - THREE times!"
Dorothy is shocked "Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn't go?" "No no no!" says Edna "I'm just saying, wear an old dress!"
BLACK GIRLS |
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The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (the equivalent of a 4-star general in the US) gave a lecture on Potential Problems and Military Strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions.
An officer stood up and asked "Will there be a third world war? And, will Russia take part in it?" The general answered both questions in the affirmative.
Another officer asked "Who will be the enemy?" The general replied "All indications point to China". Everyone in the audience was shocked.
A third officer remarked "General, we are a nation of only 150 million, compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese. Can we win at all... or even survive?"
The general answered "Just think about this for a moment: In modern warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters, but the quality of an army's capabilities. For example, in the Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs and Israel was always victorious".
After a small pause, yet another officer - from the back of the auditorium asked "Do we have enough Jews?"
WOULDN'T MIND A SLICE OF VALENTINA VAUGHN |
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A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"
Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her "I think Harry can go to the third grade". Ms Brooks says to the principal "Let me ask him some questions". The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms Brooks: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs".
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets".
Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants". The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer Harry replied "Bubble gum".
Ms Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands". The principal was trembling.
Ms Brooks: "What word starts with an F and ends in K that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck".
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the Teacher "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong..."
ORSM VIDEO
A woman who was a tree hugging greenie purchased a piece of forest near Collie, WA.
There was a large tree in one of the highest parts of her forest. She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to the local casualty department to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded "What took you so long?" He looked at her and said "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Department of Land, Water and Biodiversity Conservation before I could remove some old growth timber from a recreational area adjacent to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due policies lobbied for by the Green Party, they turned me down!"
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LITTLE RASCALS...
-A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move" answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know" explained the boy "I leaned over and went 'Psssssst!' and it didn't move"
-A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am".
-A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later..."Da-ad..." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?" "No, you had your chance. Lights out". Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad...." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to smack you!!" Five minutes later..."Daaaa-aaaad..." "WHAT!" "When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?"
-After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home... but I want to stay with you guys".
-An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said "Well I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says "For Heaven's sake, Dylan! Come in or stay out!"
-A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied "Because people are sleeping".
-One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice "Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear" she said. "I have to sleep in daddy's room". A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice "The big sissy".
-One particular four-year-old prayed "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets".
-It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied directly into the minister's clip-on microphone "Yes and my mum says it's a bitch to iron".
-A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3 The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say "Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait". Kevin turned to his younger brother and said "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
-When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said "Mummy, you are getting fat!" I replied "Yes, honey, remember mummy has a baby growing in her tummy". "I know" she replied, but what's growing in your bum?"
-A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said "Did God throw him back down?"
-A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine..." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped "What are you doing?" The little boy answered "I'm doing my math homework, mum". "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked "Yes" he answered. Infuriated the mother asked the teacher the next day "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied "Right now we're learning addition". The mother asked "And are you teaching them to say 'two plus two that son of a bitch is four'?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four".
-One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read "... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class "And what do you think the farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said "I think he said 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
-A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
-A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply "I'm Mr Sugarbrown's daughter". Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say "I'm Jane Sugarbrown". The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School and said "Aren't you Mr Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied "I thought I was but mother says I'm not".
-A little girl asked her mother "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough". The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
-A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut eating a snack cake. The barber says to her "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin." She says "Yes I know... and I'm gonna get boobs too!"
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A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her while stationed in Saudi a few months ago. So she sends him this care package. He is excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of homemade cookies and a DVD of his favourite TV shows.
He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some episodes of South Park. Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees sucking his best friend's privates. After a few seconds, he does his business in her mouth and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough. She then looks at the camera and says "By the way, I want a divorce".
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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, and then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his free drink, he asked the bartender "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. Again, the man reaches into his pockets and pulls out the tiny rat and the tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and again proceeds to play the blues.
The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his many free beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry" the man replies "he's not for sale". The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No" he insists "he's not for sale". The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash.
The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it". The man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist".
ORSM
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And that's it. Do yourself a favour and read on.
-Check out the site archives. YOU CAN DO IT!
-Next update will be next Thursday. C U Next Thursday.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will make your face pregnant.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and pretend like you didn't notice and move on. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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