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| orsmupdate 2013.05.30-19.52 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Bad, worse, worst.
A few weeks ago I crapped on about dickheads. This week has been no different. You know the type.. they always know more than you, don't give a crap about anyone but themselves, are annoying, need a punch in the face and have one goal in life - to annoy. Oh and they're everywhere.
Dickhead #1 was your typical local council employee. Called them to say they were sending mail to the wrong, soon-to-be demolished address. The guy checked on their system and confirmed they did indeed have the correct address. When I said there was still mail going to my old address he said "no". Nothing I could say would convince him.
Dickhead #2 is the guy at my bank for never ever ever calling back when he promises to, lying and being overwhelmingly inept. On the other hand, if he's trying to suck then he's doing a stellar job.
Dickhead #3 is the 'service' rep at the mechanics. When dropping the car off I told him to make sure the tyres were inflated to X-psi. He refused on the grounds it was too high. I said they were a non-standard fitment and needed to be that high. No amount of "Okay I get it okay okay okay" stopped the ramble about why he wouldn't do it. I next told him "No service reminder sticker. They annoy me. Don't put it on AT ALL". "Well where do you want it then?" "I just said I don't want one..." "How will you know when it's due for a service?" "The barrage of reminder text messages and phone calls are good enough" "But..." and on like that it went until the following day when he called me to authorise various repairs. Sure enough it's the biggest gouge you have ever seen so jump on the phone to ring around elsewhere for prices, including their own spare parts department. To absolutely no one's surprise, on just 4 of the items, stuff which I can [and did] myself in less than 10 minutes, there is over $120 in labour factored in which works out to an hourly rate of $720. Oh and they left the sticker sitting loose in the cup holder.
Dickhead #4 was the bitch I got stuck behind this morning. Driving her Wicked Campers van, big peace symbol painted on the spare tyre cover, in the right hand lane, 15kmh under the speed limit, oblivious-to-the-world look on her face, and a sign on the back which read 'the closer you get, the slower I drive'. Fuck her.
Dickhead #5 is the media as a whole. By far the biggest news story in Australia this week has been that of a 13 year old girl racially abusing an aboriginal football player, calling him an ape. Firstly, the kid was a run of the mill feral-as-fuck Collingwood supporter so the use of 'ape' should really be considered her just not trying hard enough. The player objected and the girl was ejected from the stadium. As always, the media has given the story legs for far longer than necessary... and then got to do it all over again after the president of another football club reignited things by essentially by calling the same player a gorilla days later. I wonder if everyone who feigned outrage at the comments are the same one who call English people 'poms', Americans 'yanks' and Italians 'dings', even redheads 'rangas', without thinking a thing of it. Either way I say is boo-fucking-hoo. People should harden the fuck up. Being taunted by opposition and supporters is and always has been part of the game. The 'ape' in question is on a salary of $586,000 a year. For that sort of coin I'll let anyone call me whatever they like and cry myself to sleep every night on my giant pile cash.
Dickhead #6 is me, the biggest dickhead of all, for expecting anything different.
Anyway on to other shit. Woke up in the early hours of Saturday morning in agony for no apparent reason. Was fast asleep on my front, much as I am every night, then suddenly a twang between my belly and groin. Managed to get back to sleep after a while but it wasn't pleasant - figured either an appendix or hernia issue. Painfully dragged myself out of bed a few hours later and headed north to meet my sister and her various attachments for a coffee. Next was hardware store and onto my gran's to do some repairs. A drain pipe was blocked and the world was ending. Poured a bunch of chemicals down and eventually got it flowing again. World saved. The rest of the day was a litany of tasks and chores which warrant no dedication of space or words.
Was supposed to do some charity walk thing Sunday but that was shit canned due to the hernia/appendix/whatever issue. Went out to smash some motherfucking eggs instead. Seemed like a worthy trade-off. Home afterward to begin some maintenance. The whole house is about to get repainted after a hose in the laundry burst a few months back and flooded the joint. Long story short, insurance is responsible for painting everything but they won't fill cracks etc so that's where I come in. Ended up in the kitchen later cooking up an array of fattening treats. This year has been so absurdly busy that I mostly live on pre-prepared packet crap so always jump at any chance to cook anything. The GF had some lame ass jewellery party on which meant a house full of girls ogling shiny stuff. I really don't get these things - jewellery, cosmetics, hand bags et al. Chicks eat it up and the reps must make a fortune. Safe to say if someone could come up with something similar for guys they would do well.
Alright that went on way longer than was reasonable so without further ado, lets get on with what we have to get on with. Check it...
Flip And Go - Bully Pwnd - Bad For You? - Captain Idiot - Yeah Whatevs - Lady Love - Pure Virgin - Ghetto Hoes
Awesome - Fucking Nuns - Angry Ma - Go Deep - Brainwashed - Whoa WTF - She Loves It - Just Gorgeous - Show Tits!
Gold Finger - WHY?? - Poor Anus - Friendly Fire - Priorities - Just STFU - Lucky Day - Wow Cleav - Oh Shit - Weirdo
I knocked on my neighbour's door this morning and said "I'm terribly sorry, but I've just hit your cat". "Oh no" she cried "Is he in a bad way?" "Put it this way" I said "My cricket bat snapped in half".
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Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and getting dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says "I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick". Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?" Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner".
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A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr Schwartz" said the mortician "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity". And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into his briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe" he said as he opened his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screamed "Schwartz is dead!"
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Why don't the All Black's fans take their girlfriends to football matches? They're worried they'll jump the fence and eat the grass.
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A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol. Police say it's definitely race related...
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Young lad is in the bath with his mum. He looks down between her legs and asks "What's that mummy?" She says "That's where your father hit me with an axe". He says "He must be a good shot he got you right in the cunt".
ORSM
VIDEO
I'M LOVING IT...
-About one-third of Mexico's sesame seed crop is purchased by McDonald's for its buns and there are roughly 380 seeds on each one.
-McDonald's feeds 68 million people per day, that's about 1% of the world's population.
-McDonald's calls people who eat at their restaurant more than once a week "heavy users". Nutritionists say that McDonald's should not be visited more than once a week.
-McDonald's daily customer traffic is more than the population of Great Britain.
-When McDonald's was listed on the Tokyo Stock Exchange in 1986, it set a record for opening-day trading volume of a non-Japanese company, with 615,750 shares changing hands.
-McDonald's' iconic golden arches are recognised by more people than the cross. A survey found that 88% could identify the arches and only 54 per cent could name the Christian cross.
-By one estimate, a mere 6% of the Big Mac's price comes from the cost of its ingredients - the rest of the price coming from labour costs, rent, utilities, packaging, etc.
-The Queen of England owns a retail park in Slough, which has a drive-thru McDonald's.
-McDonald's' $27 billion in revenue makes it the 90th-largest economy in the world.
-Today show weatherman Willard Scott was the first Ronald McDonald.
-The $8.7 billion in revenue from franchise stores alone, makes McDonald's richer than Mongolia.
-The Egg McMuffin was modelled on eggs Benedict.
-Ronald McDonald's shoes are size 29 EEE.
-The food from McDonald's is sweet, and this is not using the word sweet as a slang word like cool meaning something good or enjoyable. There are only nine foods on the McDonald's menu that do not have sugar in them.
-McDonald's hires around 1 million workers in the US every year. This estimate from Fast Food Nation assumes a 700,000 domestic workforce with 150% turnover rate.
-McDonald's fries can taste really good, especially when they are fresh. However, one of the reasons that they taste so good is that McDonald's coats their fries with sugar so they get a golden-brown colour when they are fried.
-McDonald's can be found in 119 countries and territories on 6 continents operating over 34,000 restaurants, employing more than 1.7 million people.
-The Happy Meal was first rolled out in 1979 and featured McDoodler stencils, McWrist Wallets, ID bracelets, spinning tops, and McDonaldland character erasers. St. Louis Regional Advertising Manager Dick Brams is credited with the Happy Meal concept, and is known as the "Father of the Happy Meal".
-McDonald's has 761,000 employees worldwide, more than the population of Luxembourg.
-With more than 85,000 people employed by McDonald's Australia, the company is one of the largest employers and trainers in the country.
-It has been found that children recognise the golden arches of a McDonald's before they learn to speak. McDonald's has to advertise like any business, so it is understandable that they want the restaurant to be recognised.
-There is a ski-through McDonald's in Sälen, Sweden.
-According to company estimates, one in every eight American workers has been employed by McDonald's.
-Worldwide, McDonald's sells more than 75 hamburgers every second.
-In Japan, Ronald McDonald is known as Donald McDonald because there is no "r" sound in Japanese.
-You would have to walk for seven hours straight to burn off a Super-Sized Coke, fries and Big Mac.
-The smallest McDonald's is also in Japan, in the Ginza district of Tokyo, measuring just 492 square feet. The largest is in Beijing, measuring 28,000 square feet and seating 700 customers.
-McDonald's is the world's largest distributor of toys, with one included in 20 percent of all sales.
-Well-known ex-McDonald's employees include George W. Bush's first chief of staff, Andrew Card, Amazon.com founder Jeff Bezos, Robert Cornog, retired CEO of Snap-On Tools, astronaut Leroy Chiao, Jay Leno, Sharon Stone, Shania Twain, Jay Leno, Rachel McAdams and Pink.
-For the next three years, McDonald's is going to open one restaurant every day in China.
-If you visit a McDonald's and order a hamburger, you expect to get a beef patty on a bun with whatever other toppings come on the burger. However, in India, cows are sacred. This means that McDonald's does not use beef patties in India. Instead, burgers are made with mutton.
-With all the talk of dead-end "McJobs", McDonald's actually provides its employees comprehensive benefits, including medical, dental, 401k matching, and offers workers a program called Mc$ave, a money market fund.
-The only place in the lower 48 that is more than 100 miles from a McDonald's is a barren plain in South Dakota.
-McDonald's represents 43% of total U.S. fast food market.
-Americans alone consume one billion pounds of beef at McDonald's in a year - five and a half million head of cattle.
SHORT SHORTS |
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Three sheep shearers, Tom, Dick and Harry, arrive in Perth, having finished their shearing season and receiving their wages.
Flush with funds and in need of a woman, they head to a high class brothel to get themselves sorted out. Having not been there before they asked the Madame what the rates were. She replied "We have $100, $200 and the $300 special".
Tom, always a bit careful with his money, decides to take the $100 option. The other two wait at the bar to see how it goes and get a report back from Tom before making their decision.
Half an hour later, Tom reappears with a huge grin on his face. "Well?" asked the other two. "Well" said Tom "she put a ring of pineapple around my old boy, ate it off very seductively, then we did the business. It was fantastic".
Dick, heartened by this excellent report, decides he will try the $200 option. Tom and Harry wait at the bar while he disappears with the lady of his choice.
Half an hour later, Dick reappears with a huge grin on his face. "And?" asked the other two. "And" replied Dick "she put two rings of pineapple around my old boy, ate them off seductively, and then we did the business".
Harry, intrigued by how much the other two had enjoyed themselves and curious about what the $300 might involve, opted for the top of the range and disappeared with the lady of his choice.
Ten minutes later he reappeared looking very forlorn and disappointed with the world. "What's the matter mate?" asked Tom and Dick. "After what we got for $100 and $200, your deal should have been spectacular!"
"Well" said Harry "it started off okay. She put three rings of pineapple around my old boy, then a dollop of cream and a cherry on top. And it looked so good I ate it all myself.
ORSM
VIDEO
So the cowboy goes out to seek his fortune on the frontier of the old West. He finally settles on a ranching town near the very edge of civilisation. So near, in fact, that there aren't any women to be found for love nor money.
Well, he's young and full of hormones, and after a month, he starts getting randy, so he goes to the saloon to ask around. After a couple of sort of nervous, whispered conversations, it comes out that you use the sheep.
Well, our hero isn't real happy about this, but he's really desperate. He buys a bottle to nerve himself up. He goes and finds the nearest flock, and decides that if he's going to do this at all, he's going to do it right. He spends most of the afternoon picking out the prettiest sheep in the flock. He shampoos her wool and ties ribbons around her neck. Puts a little bell on her collar. He's also getting pretty drunk. By evening, he's done cleaning up the sheep, and not thinking real clearly. He's so proud of the way the sheep looks, he decides to take her in to town and show her off at the saloon.
He walks in with the sheep, and the room goes quiet. Everybody's staring at the guy. And not just staring, but kinda recoiling in shock and horror. He's ashamed, but he's drunk enough; he slurs out "Whassamada, I thought ever'body went out to the sheep?" Finally, one old timer pipes up. "Yeah, boy, but you got the sheriff's girl!"
ALL EYES ON THE BRIDE |
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A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed.
"Damn, Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims. "I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it". "What do you mean?" Jim asked. "Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it".
Jim agrees and the two say good bye.
A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was. Jim replied "I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!"
"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?" "Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco". "Crisco!!?" Bob exclaimed. "Dammit, Jim, Crisco is shortening!"
MORAL OF THE STORY: Always follow the recipe!
| JAELYN FOX |
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READER MAIL
Got something Orsm-worthy? Submit it! If your shit is good enough it'll be featured on the main page and then archived for all eternity or at least until I have had enough of this whole internet/website caper. On the 'send to me now or suffer the consequences' list are pics of your terrible ex-girlfriend, pics of your tasty current girlfriend, jokes, funny jokes, funny ha-ha jokes, disturbing video clips, pictures of jokes and video clips and pretty much anything else you can attach to an email and send hurtling down all seven layers of the OSI. To make it happen all you must do is click here.
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Customer Service fail, best story ever.
My grandmother passed away thirteen years ago. It was a Sunday morning, I was at home skipping church with my entire family when my grandfather showed up, my grandmother had fallen and wasn't responsive. I think we made the normal 2 minute drive in under a minute, she had fallen, it wasn't looking good. I quickly dialed 911. I stuttered on my directions a couple times and totally restarted. The operator hung up. It was one of those surreal moments where everything else became non existent. Then only thing in my existence was the telephone, and myself. I looked over and handed the phone to somebody else and said "they hung up". I hope that operator has to watch a loved one pass away with their entire family at some point. Love the site!!
What a cunt. -Orsm |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Stupid Question
Hello again, Orsm. Hold deets please... In a reply to Anthony's question, "Am I missing something?", the answer is yes, he's missing a whole lot. Like about 200 years and over 40 Presidents who didn't contact each and every family of fallen soldiers during their terms, but acknowledged more 'trivial' things in the public eye. This is nothing new. Any more stupid questions? |
d p wrote:
Subject: Subject: REGGIE - A BLACK LAB
Concerning this week's reader mail about Reggie the black lab, folks might want to read this. Not likely a true story. Keep up with the rest of the great stuff each week though. |
Jeff wrote:
Subject: Funny Vid
Whats up Mr. Orsm.... I've been a fan for several years, and I finally have something to contribute..... Look at the 5:00 minute mark of this Video... Pretty Funny.. Thanks.... and keep up the good work..
Was that a nugget? I think it was a nugget. -Orsm |
Mike wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Lunch at Subway?
I'd have to carefully consider what to do with that. -Orsm |
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Tomas wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Article Placement
Can't be an accident. Somewhere an editor is laughing. -Orsm |
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Paige wrote:
Subject: :)
As spotted at a Hyatt in Orlando
Can only wonder what those riipples were caused by. -Orsm |
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Brian wrote:
Subject: Superb Letter
For all those people who've had trouble with bureaucracy or officialdom!
Ha champion. -Orsm |
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GeonJay wrote:
Subject: Pic
A friend posted this on Facebook. I'm not sure which "two" she is talking about...
I'm going with "in the pink". -Orsm |
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xitz wrote:
Subject: THE TITANIC
We think of the Titanic as a HUGE ocean liner. I did too until I saw this. Size comparison -- Titanic vs Allure of the Seas Cruise Ship. Not all that big, was it? |
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Peter wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Love the website, heading seems a bit strange "Authorities still searching debris to ensure no survivor remains". Ain't that America
Because fuck them that's why! -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
I've got to have this ute
Presumably not a Labor voter...? -Orsm |
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Michael wrote:
Subject: Aberdeen City Council @Work, Painting SLOW on pavement.
Somebody must have had a great day at work. Great Northern Road Bus Stop. Here a Comparison to Google Maps. |
Glenn wrote:
Subject: Troll
Here he is. The real Troll. Glenn from Sweden. (actually its my cousin...) |
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Kel wrote:
Subject: Mosquito? Looks like one but is not
Take a closer look if a "mosquito" lands on you. Amazing. Is it, or isn't it - take a look... then read below. Have you figured it out yet? This is an "INSECT SPY DRONE" already in production. This device can be controlled from a great distance and is equipped with a camera and microphone. This device can also land on you and is equipped with a needle capable of retrieving a DNA sample with the pain of a mosquito bite. It's ALSO capable of injecting a micro RFID tracking device under your skin.
Big brother just got a lot smaller. And while the feds haven't given them to our police departments. YET, how long till they do? Technology without scruples gives cause for concern.
I'll save everyone having to look this up on Snopes... -Orsm |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: father of the year candidate
Here is one candidate for father of the year...... found on facebook (please withhold my email, details. thanks) |
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Bill wrote:
Subject: think her nipples get hard...
When she sucks cock?
Serious nipples are serious. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Banana Car
The owner of the banana car is a neighbor of mine. Attached is a recent
pic. They want to drive it around the world. Read more at bigbananacar.com. Hide my details, please.
This car should have made the new series of AD. -Orsm |
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Brian wrote:
Subject: Emailing
REMEMBER THE GOOD OLD DAYS OF FOOTY ..................... |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Hey Orsm my boyfriend loves your site. Here are some of my pics he will love to see them on your site. I will send more if comments are good. Xoxoxo
Well that's pretty much fucking perfect and let me speak for everyone when I say if we don't get more then I'll hunt you down and kill you beg for more. -Orsm |
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Kel wrote:
Subject: Ten Unique Graveyards
Have you ever wondered what happens to decommissioned machines and other similar facilities that people once used? Some of these objects are being recycled, and many of them are piling up on the so-called Object Graveyards and there waiting to be completely eaten by the ravages of time. Places of natural decomposition of such objects can be unusual tourist destinations and sites to capture amazing photos. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: skanky ex photos
Love the site visit every week to see whats new and check all the ORSM videos out. Thought I would send some photos of me skanky ex-wife. who decided to root one of my works mates while I was away for work and got busted doing it by my youngest kid.. Skank whore.. Keep the details a secret please. Cheering
Who else thinks the vagina is a bit scary-looking? -Orsm |
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Austin wrote:
Subject: LOVE STORY ....A story in pictures you won't forget easily
Love Story... AND IT BEGINS.... If he is a hero........... She is an angel
Amazing. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: years ago I sent you pics of a mall...
that was closed and abandoned. last weekend, "we" went to a maximum security prison that was closed and abandoned. please hide the details.
Love stuff like this. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pics
My girls a freak and I have so many pics. Here's a little preview but these up on the site and ill send u as many more as u want of what ever u want. I love the site have been visiting it for around 10 years now and would love to see some of my own pics up here. Please keep my email private.
GREAT ass. More welcomed/demanded ASAP! -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Chavs rappin'
Had to send you this mate, these lads live near me. They're a good bit older now, unfortunately for them someone just dug this old classic up from the depths of the closet and posted it all over facebook haha!! :) Withhold details please. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: "You're not gonna believe this, Robbo!"
Box eating on a Melbourne train. Keep my details private, etc.
Thank god for the internet because most of us never see awesomeness like this. -Orsm |
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Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!
ORSM
VIDEO
Little Johnny's father decided it was time for 11-year-old Little Johnny, to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlour. He introduces Little Johnny to the madam, and explains that it's time for his indoctrination to sex.
The madam says "You've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to see to this personally". So she takes Little Johnny by the hand and leads him upstairs, where she completes his deflowering.
Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam says "Since this is your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave. I'm going to give you a manicure".
Two weeks later Little Johnny and his father run into the madam on the main street. Little Johnny is acting a little shy, so the madam smiles and says "Well, Little Johnny, don't you remember me?"
"Yes, Ma'am," Little Johnny stammers "you're the lady that gave me the crabs and then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em".
THE ART OF CARRYING LOADS |
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A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please!" the man says.
The shop assistant climbs up the ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he would really like two loaves. After she retrieves the second loaf of bread and descends the ladder, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man "Is it raisin for you too?" "No" stammers the old man "but it's quivering a little.
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Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.
One said to the other "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling".
Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically "We're selling assholes". Without skipping a beat, the old timer said "You must be doing well. Only two left!"
| GIRLS WHO DIDN'T WEAR BRA'S... |
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A young man finally got a job at the Post Office. He was full of energy and eager to please. The supervisor agreed to work with the new employee, even though he had been warned that he was still immature and knew nothing of the job.
The first job the supervisor gives the young man is in sorting, and much to everyone's surprise, the new employee separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur. The supervisor was very pleased and asked the young man to come into his office at the end of the day.
He said "I just want you to know that we are all very proud of you. You're one of the fastest workers we have ever had". The humble young man said "Thank you, sir. And tomorrow, I'll try to do even better".
"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do better?" The young man smiled proudly and said "Tomorrow, I am going to read the addresses!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Well my work here is done.
-Check out the site archives. Untold joy awaits.
-Next update will be next Thursday. No promises though. I've never had a server migration go smoothly and the one currently underway is proving to be no different.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will make you and all of them eat a shit sandwich.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and.. I think you know. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2013.05.23-19.20 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Something witty or that makes you think goes here.
In the grand scheme of things, todays update is a gigantic accomplishment... in that it actually happened. No way could there have been more obstacles to sticking it all together even if a higher power did like me. Monday feels like an eternity ago. Not even sure what I got up to but vaguely remember having to go out that afternoon. A quick trip which shouldn't have taken more than an hour on Tuesday turned into a four hour ordeal I've sworn to never again speak of and same shit Wednesday - thanks to a motherfucking water heater pilot light, some stupid bitch at the post office who clearly believed she was a god and various other demands by various other people. And while this is happening there's a million questions firing at me. Everyone needs an answer on something. More "Can you come/go and do X for me?" or "You need to have X sorted ASAP" as opposed to "Would you like a shoulder massage?" Another significant challenge is trying to stay illness-free whilst the GF writhes around in bed, off work, battling a chest infection and asthma. The only surprising thing is that I'm not exhausted.
Admittedly these are probably all sounding a bit like first world problems and that's probably because they are. If you could ask someone who lost everything they owned in the Oklahoma tornado, the soldier who was callously butchered in London by those Muslim fucktards, anyone who works at Ford Australia or even the people who were accidentally served caustic soda instead of salt on their fast food orders this week, what they think of some dumb fuck who is feeling a little overworked and overstressed you would most likely get some interesting answers that put things in perspective. How about I just STFU because shit could be worse...
Moving on. A while back the GF touted an idea. I kind of brushed it off because it wasn't really my thing. What was it? Personal training. Basically you pay a guy to meet you in a park and torture you for an hour. I protested on the grounds you can get that for free on any given night in Perth's eastern suburbs but alas that's how Saturday began - 8am on a very wet school oval where I experienced [read: was subjected to] burpees, squats, boxing and other stuff I was too fatigued to retain. All completely new to me and as utterly destroying as it was, I felt great afterward. Little sore though which was good because a chiro visit followed. Was also the GF's birthday weekend which meant numerous social activities were planned; the first of which was some motherfucking eggs at my favourite café. Next we headed for the city and find new shoes. The current pair had almost worn through to my socks so overdue for replacement. Amazingly we were done in 15 minutes - a new record. Normally it's a struggle to find anything I like or if I do they don't have my size etc. From there it was home to relax for a few. Quite well timed in that my body was starting to pay for the personal training. That night - out for tapas which was awesome. Set price and unlimited dishes. All the training was undone in a single meal but not a single fuck was given.
As expected I woke up [ridiculously] sore on Sunday however it was at an unprecedented level. Muscles I later found out have names like abs, quads, lats and triceps were in a world or hurt. Apparently the best way to remedy is exercise through it so drove down to the coast for a walk. Safe to say it didn't help a single thing. Next up was dim sum with friends and fam. Took along my just arrived Blair's Death Sauce to see just how tough the other big-talking "I love chili" attendees actually were. Suffice to say I walked away victorious... and with burning and swollen lips. All worth it though.
Managed to squeeze in a few hours working after we got home interspersed with friends dropping by to say g'day before heading over to see some other friends for birthday cake. The afternoon was eventually interrupted for an airport run - half an hour drive to the parents, load them up and then out to the airport. Next trick was to swing by mother dearests to setup a fax machine and TV because they absolutely HAD to be done that day. Of course they did...
Despite whatever I mentioned above about Monday, it will always be remembered as the most pain you can be in. Well that might not be true. Having your testicles sliced open would be worse but imagine you're a straight guy who gets raped by a guy with a huge schlong. Then imagine your body is your asshole after that rape. Failing that, imagine being hit by a car. Welcome to my world. Any movement in any direction inflicted excruciation and an obligatory '"urrrrggghhhh". Definitely made worse by trying not to engage the sorest muscles and instead compensating with others... then they hurt too. Anyway due to a bunch of reasons and excuses the next training session is a few weeks away so will have to go through all of this again. Expect some whingy, whiny words about it.
"Orright stop speaking Orsm you dick. No one cares!"... said everyone. Good advice so why don't we get on with the update which almost never was. Check it or don't. Do what you like but after that - check it...
Old School - Everyone Matters - Scary In POV - My Porn's Gone - Did U Spot It? - Wow Just Wow - Vaj Slip - Official Ho
WTFing Japs - It Hurts! - Best GF Ever - Call The Police - Sorry Mate! - Family Fun - Too Creepy - Fascinating
Drug Fukd - Unfknblvbl Ass - Big Bada Boom - Game OVER - Fire Angel - In Your Face - Cleavage - So So Gross
What's the difference between regular blood and period blood? You can't eat regular blood with a fork.
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This guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change. All of the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news. Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him. "Oh no!" he moaned "This means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!" "Of course you will" one of the doctors soothed. It'll just have to be someone else's, that's all".
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I was going through a few magazines the other day down at the local Mosque. I was really enjoying myself until the bloody rifle jammed!
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On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him "You dumb shit, get a hearing aid! You're supposed to turn your CLOCK back!"
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During sex my girlfriend suffers from temporary paralysis from the waist down. Whenever I put my dick in her she never feels a thing. So I decided we should got to a doctor. Reluctantly my girlfriend agreed, and came along with me. The doctor asked her "Do you know if this runs in the family?" My girlfriend replied. "I don't think so. It never happens when I'm with his brothers or his friends".
ORSM
VIDEO
TALES OF CUSTOMER SERVICE FAILS
-When I was 18 years old, my mother died of lung cancer. She had clothes that she had purchased during her illness that she'd never even taken the tags off to wear. My father asked me to return the clothes to where she bought them from. I did not have the receipts. The cashier was very rude in the way that she was asking me "Why can't you just get the receipts from your mum to get the credit?" I then told her that she had just died and she proceeded to look into my face and say "Well, you don't look too sad about it".
-A few years ago, a friend and I were shopping at the mall. We decided to go into Victoria's Secret to browse. I was overweight at the time. I had seen a really nice bra and panty set and I said to my friend "They shouldn't be so discriminatory. They should make this in our size". I then heard the manager tell us "Maybe if you lose some weight we would have things that fit you". That was the last time I was in a Victoria's Secret.
-Last year I went to Books-A-Million to buy a children's book for a grandchild. I went to the customer service podium in the centre of the store and gave the title to a clerk and asked where to find it. She waved her arm in the direction of the children's book section and said "Over there". As I walked away, I heard her turn to her co-worker and say in an aggravated] tone "She didn't even TRY to find it on her own".
-I set my stuff on the counter to pay. The cashier had to go check a price. She returned with a manager, who was obviously having a bad day and I was told that I could not buy five of the things. I wanted to know why not. She said "I can't sell you these". She said that until corporate faxed the prices none of them could be sold. I asked why they were out and she responded "Our shipment came in yesterday". I said "I know they will be gone the next time I come in" and she said "I don't know what to tell you. I cannot sell them to you".
-I had a problem with a new piece of electronic equipment and called for assistance. The first technician I talked with insisted that there was nothing wrong with his company's equipment, that it must be my fault. When I explained that everything in the network had worked perfectly until I powered the new item up, he laughed at me. When I asked to talk to his supervisor, he responded with the infamous two letter expletive and hung up. I called back and spoke with a different tech who was able to resolve the problem in a matter of minutes and who then asked his supervisor to join us on the line. When I told the supervisor of my earlier experience, she asked me to give her one day so she could resolve the problem. She called back in less than fifteen minutes to tell me that she and the call centre manager had reviewed the tape of the call, fired the original technician and promoted the second one to a customer service training position.
-I was trying to get some information from the local cable company, Comcast, about my bill. I couldn't understand the different groupings of channels which had no explanation just names like Extended Package. She couldn't explain it and kept getting the same channels in different groupings. I said, very politely "I don't understand your explanation, is there someone else who can explain it to me so I will understand it". She replied "You're stupid". Then she hung up.
-In our large grocery store, I asked about the cinnamon buns that were in the sample dome. The employee I asked said that they were very fattening and I could do with losing some weight!
-I explained to a DELL rep that I had 12 new laptops that would not power on no matter what I did. His answer to me was "What do you want me to do about it?" I said "Excuse me?" He clarified by saying "If they don't power on I can't trouble shoot them and if they aren't powering on it has to be something you did to them that made them not work".
"You will have to go online to and fix this". I replied "Seriously? I am talking to customer service - a real live human being and you can't do a thing for me? "Yes ma'am, you need to go online to do this". So I asked her "What, exactly, do you do?" Silence.
-Big UK-based insurance company: "It's not our fault that you have this problem - it's yours".
-I'm still fuming from my experience with Travelocity/ABC Airline this morning. Woke up sick as a dog, needing to catch a flight at 7:00. I've probably booked one hundred flights with Travelocity and I have always paid the $20 insurance if changes ever come up, including unexpected illness. I have never actually used this insurance but was happy to have it until I was told from ABC Airline "I'm sorry, there's nothing we can do for you". And, then again from Travelocity "I'm sorry, there's nothing we can do for you". Lesson learned. Don't buy Travelocity's insurance. Or, better yet, avoid Travelocity.
-A pharmacy customer service rep refused to authorise one of my meds. When I told her I had been waiting 2 weeks and explained the effects of not having them, she said "Maybe you should see a doctor about these new symptoms".
-My father passed away. I called a credit card company to cancel his account. I said "My name is Debra. My father Pat passed away and I am the Executor of the Estate. I am calling to cancel his account". The service rep replied "Well, I need to talk to Pat". I said "Listen very carefully. He's DEAD - now if you want to talk to him, you'll have to figure out how to. GIVE ME YOUR SUPERVISOR!" The supervisor got on the phone and I said "Do you have a connection with God?" She cracked up laughing - she had heard about the conversation.
-I called HP customer service about a new printer that wouldn't interface with my Mac, even though the company swore it would easily work. After hours of being on hold and being told that I had obviously done something wrong or just couldn't understand, the rep told me "Yeah, really not my problem, lady". So I went to Apple. They figured out the problem - and were nice.
-I was checking out at Wal-Mart, with my elderly mum and small kids in tow. A pair of $8 shoes I was buying rang up for $10. I questioned the clerk on the price at which time she said "No they rang up for $10. You can go back there and check it yourself". I wasn't about to do that, so I just settled up for the $10. Got home and pulled the shoes out of the box and guess what. The actual price tag on the shoes said $8! Next day I went back to customer service and happened to be waited on by the same clerk at which time she said "That wasn't my fault - it was the cash register. I can't help you". I had to find the store manager to get the issue resolved. He not only gave me all my money back, but he let me keep the shoes.
-I was hosting a party for 150 people and needed catering prices 7 weeks prior to party to review bids, select caterer and determine another venue. I had a drop-dead due date and explained that. When I contacted the caterer for prices because they hadn't contacted me by the morning of the due date, my main contact was on vacation and left no information. I was fuming. Obviously, they did not get my business. When I finally reached the caterer to determine how they could have made such an error he said "I decided you didn't need it by your due date". I was appalled.
-I lost my cable service for 3 days. Apparently, it was a system wide failure and thousands of customers were affected. During the course of my conversation, I said something like "Please just credit me for 3 days worth of service". The rep said "We can't do that. Do you know how much it would cost us if we credited everyone for the past three days?"
-I was speaking with a customer service representative about a problem I was having. I said "I know it's not your fault". She said "That's right. It's not my fault". She is the representative of a company. She should accept responsibility even if it's not her personal fault!
-There was a charge on my Citibank MasterCard from a vendor who renewed my $400 membership without asking me. I spoke with the vendor and he agreed to send a credit into the credit card company for the charge. Since the credit card bill was due in 15 days, I called the credit card company to ensure that I wouldn't have to pay $400 up front only to have it credited back later. The CSR who answered the phone went into a typical long drawn out scripted answer. I asked to speak with a supervisor and after waiting on hold, the supervisor started another scripted answer. I said "I am a busy person and I just need a simple direct answer". He replied "I am sorry you called when you were busy. We are open 24 hours a day". I stopped using that card.
i'm ALL ABOUT THE SIDE BOOB |
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A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible". "What do you mean?" said the pirate "I feel fine".
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before". "Well," said the pirate "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now".
The bartender replied "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" The pirate explained "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really".
"What about that eye patch?" "Oh" said the pirate "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye".
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit". "It was my first day with the hook".
ORSM
VIDEO
The Australian Medical Association has weighed in on the Prime Minister's health care proposals:
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
Pathologists yelled "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said "Oh, Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Enterologists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn't hear of it.
The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said "This puts a whole new face on the matter."..
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Canberra.
UR FRECKLES ARE HAWT |
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A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town it was a sure thing that their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behaviour.
The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman. The husband said "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!"
The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8-year-old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly "Where is God?" The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone "Where is God?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face "WHERE IS GOD?"
At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home slamming himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said "What happened?" The younger brother replied "We are in BIG trouble now. They can't find God and they're blaming it on us!"
SLUTS IN THE CEMETERY |
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ORSM
VIDEO
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' topless blonde came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father! Good Morning, Father!" nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them and said "Good morning, Father! Good morning, Father" and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said "Just a minute, young lady". "Yes, Father?" "We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?" She replied "Father it's me - Sister Kathleen!"
CHUBBIES: CUSHION FOR THE PUSHIN'... |
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said "I do. Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside".
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better". Tonto said "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again and claims "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy says to him "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know - you left your Injun running"...
ORSM
VIDEO
Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A guy gets hit by a car and goes to hell. When he gets there, the devil is standing in front of 3 doors. The devil says "It's your lucky day. I'm gonna give you a chance to get out of hell. You have to complete 3 tasks.
"Behind this first door is a 1-gallon jug of Jack Daniel's. You have to drain it in one drink.
"Behind the second door is a 600 lb. grizzly bear with a sore tooth. You have to pull the tooth out.
"Behind the third door is a nymphomaniac. When you've completely satisfied her, you can leave."
The guy figures it's worth a shot, so he goes in the first door and manages to drink the whole jug of liquor. He goes in the second door, shuts it, and the most horrible commotion can be heard from inside the room. 20 minutes later, the guy finally comes out. His clothes are torn to shreds, and he is sliced and scratched head to toe.
Finally he manages to say, "Okay where's that girl with the sore tooth...?"
CUSTOM LICENSE PLATES |
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GROANER OF THE DAY
An unemployed idiot saw a 'Help Wanted' sign outside a large convention centre. He went in and applied for the job.
"We have a major business convention tomorrow - some of the most important executives in the world will be coming! I need someone who will take care of security, check the invitations, give directions, etc. You will stand at the front door. Can you do it?" said the manager. "Oh, yes sir!" said the excited idiot.
The following night the manager gave final instructions. "This is a job description and a list of your duties! You need to be paying attention! I need your full cooperation! You have to do this job correctly! I have put these directions on this paper!" he said, handing it to the idiot. "Remember! The guests remain on the convention floor! ON THE FLOOR! We don't want them wandering around the rest of the building! The rest of the centre is being used! And keep things clean! Be careful! And you are security! So keep order! Do what you have to to KEEP ORDER!" "Yes, sir!" said the idiot enthusiastically.
An hour later, the convention was going well and the manager was greeting the executives. Then he heard something strange. He went outside and his mouth dropped open in shock. There he saw a very distinguished middle-aged gentleman, an impeccably dressed and dignified business executive in a $3,000 navy blue pinstriped business suit, carefully knotted red silk tie and matching pocket square, starched white shirt, hundred dollar haircut and silver cufflinks.
However, the corporate executive was barefoot! In addition, he was down on all fours and cleaning the floor with a scrub brush on his hands and knees!
The idiot, now the security guard and greeter, was yelling orders. In one hand he held a pair of highly polished Italian leather loafers. In the other he held a pair of black silk business socks.
"Please! This is a Savile Row suit! It's getting wet!" begged the executive. "And when can I put my shoes and socks back on?" "No questions and get to work! You'll get your fancy shoes back when I tell you and not before!" snapped the idiot as he slapped the soles of the executive's bare feet. The executive shuddered and kept scrubbing, carefully keeping his tie out of the water.
The manager ran over to the businessman and helped him up. The executive's face was beet red with anger and humiliation.
"You will be sued! This is an outrage! He pushed me down and pulled these right off my feet! Give me those! He told me to start scrubbing or he would use his gun!" yelled the executive, and he grabbed his shiny expensive shoes and socks from the idiot.
"What are you doing?!" shouted the manager to the idiot, in shock. "How dare you?!" "But I'm just following directions, sir! You said 'Keep things clean! Keep order!'" The manager pulled at his hair with both hands. "You don't even have a gun!" The idiot grinned. "Yeah, but it sure scares them when I say I do!"
The manager screamed "He is one of the leading financiers in the country! He was barefoot on all fours in his Savile Row suit!" The idiot said "But it says right here 'Keep guests on the floor at all times! No exceptions!'"
The manager groaned. "But what about his shoes? Why did you take them away from him? Are you crazy? "Are you INSANE!?" "Oh, no, sir! I'm an idiot!!" said the idiot proudly. The manager tried to calm down. "But why did you force him to take off his shoes and socks? Why? Why?!" The idiot pointed at his job description. "Work hard! Absolutely no loafers will be tolerated!'"
Then the stunned manager saw another pair of polished executive loafers on the floor - but no one was wearing them. "Don't tell me... someone else?!" sputtered the manager.
The idiot cheerfully pointed up. A few feet above was another very well-dressed business executive in another expensive suit and tie. He was tied to a ceiling lamp fixture, which had been hooked up under the jacket of his Brooks Brothers pinstriped suit and attached to his suspenders. His bare toes dangled just above their heads. His face was furious with rage and embarrassment, but he couldn't speak because his silk socks were in his mouth. He was struggling furiously.
The manager was now in such shock he couldn't speak. He just pointed. The idiot grinned and slapped the bare feet of the businessman, who spun around and flailed helplessly.
"This one put up a big fight, and wouldn't take his shoes off! So I finally had to do it myself and then stuff his socks in his mouth. It says right here 'Maintain a quiet and orderly atmosphere!'"
"But why... why did you put him up there?" the manager forced out in a whisper. "Sir, it says right here! 'Anyone who makes trouble will be immediately suspended!'"
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A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drives in and comes to the door. "Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milkweed in your pasture. Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?" "You don't get milk from milkweed!" the farmer replied.
"Oh yes" said the young man "I have a degree in Agriculture from Texas A&M, I know all about it".
"Well, help yourself" said the farmer.
He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk.
The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle vine on the fence row. I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?" "You don't get honey from honeysuckle!" said the farmer.
Again, the young man explained about his degree from A&M, so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey. Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey.
The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's house. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some pussy willow trees down by the creek". The farmer said "Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you!"
| B-B-B-BAILEY |
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These two guys had both just gone through ugly divorces and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.
They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year". The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys asked "What's that board for?" The trader said "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this". They said "No way! We've sworn off women for life! Women are nothing but trouble". The trader said "Well, take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year". "Okay" they said and left.
The following year this guy came into the trader's store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year". The trader said "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?" "Yeah" said the guy. "Where is he?" asked the trader. "I shot him" said the guy. "Why?" "I caught him in bed with my board!"
ORSM
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Can hardly believe we made it but won't crap on again about how much of a miracle it was this update came together on time. Definitely wouldn't want to take any opportunity to point out just how good I am at this shit either. That wouldn't be cool. Seriously though I can see exactly the same shit happening all over again next week so whilst you don't think about that, I'll leave you with the following...
-Check out the site archives. You can say no buuuuut we have ways of making you...
-Next update will be next Thursday. At this rate, not something I'd be comfortable promising.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will laugh about you behind your back with his mates.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and challenge stupidity. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2013.05.16-18.22 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Don't want to blow my own trumpet but holy fuck I am amazing.
Dickheads. They're everywhere and I seem to attract them en masse. Very much a recurrent theme for the last few months come to think of it. I'd love nothing more than to get to a Friday and [unsarcastically] think to myself 'well that was a really great week'. At this rate its unlikely to happen anytime soon - it would take the phone not ringing, no one wanting anything, not having to be anywhere, quite a bit of alcohol and BJ from a different girl every day.
Cunt of the week award goes to the bank cunt whose cuntiness is annoying the cunt out of me. Not only has he managed to fuck me off, my brother and old man have had dramas as well. In several brilliant displays of ineptitude he's actually annoyed us all individually. You kind of have to hand it to him in some ways. Feeling very frustrated but on the other hand I'm an officially rated level 10 passive aggressor so more than happy to turn his uselessness into my entertainment. I also do spiteful quite well so great pleasure will be taken making sure his bosses know how fucking hopeless he is.
One thing I've never understood about people - if your job is too hard or you hate it or whatever, why stay? Why make us suffer you? If you don't want to be there do the world a favour and fuck off. Bad experiences are what make people never come back. Something customer service something I think it's called...? Reminds me of when I bought a bed a few years ago. Finally found the mattress I wanted from a small family run business. Price was right, salesman was great, then it came time to pay and the accounts woman just happened to have a ginormous personality disorder. Fucking nightmare bitch. Accused me of trying to rip them off and refused to back down when I proved that she gave me the wrong payment details. Honestly the only way the bed could be any more comfortable is if it were made from boobs but I've never recommend them to a single person based on her attitude. Different story when you're dealing with a large corporation - you can't hurt them though at very least you can feel better making sure you gave an idiot a shitty day.
Still a bit more space to fill so may as well whip through weekendly events. Chilly Saturday kicked off far too early with a mission to get the last lot of stuff out of the old house. Particularly a very large wall unit I built a few years ago. Way too much time and effort went into it to let it be destroyed during the impending demolition so met my little helper there at 8am and set about disassembling. Didn't take long but fair effort to get the fucker loaded on to the trailer along with various other junk destined for the parents place. Once there it was unloaded, rehomed in the garden shed and we filled the trailer up with junk for transport back. Mutually beneficial - I dump my junk there, they dump their junk at my place so it gets hauled away later. Once back at the house the process began again with the next stop being my sisters. Continued like that until midday. Just in time to shower and head out for lunch with the olds. Smashed out some groceries and headed home to clean the house and do nothing overly exciting for the night.
Mother's Day this year was uncharacteristically drama-free. I'd had no luck with a present so stopped to get flowers on the way to a low-key breakfast thing. Roll up. Hi mum. Happy MD. Here's some flowers. "I already have flowers. Is there someone else you can give them to?" Completely normal in my family, doesn't make you ungrateful - if you don't like the gift then ask for a redo or whatever. No one is offended. The GF, somewhat horrified, operates completely differently - even if you hate a gift, accept it, smile and say thanks. Maybe even waffle on about how much you love it. This transcends to various other things. How do you find them the perfect gift if you can't work out what they like? Or how can you cook a meal they love if they say they love everything [but don't eat it]. Drives me insane.
The rest of the day was a lot of fun. Party at our place to celebrate the GF's birthday that went into the night. Ended up with about 15-20 people drinking, eating and having a good time whilst shooting each other with Nerf guns. If I could finish every weekend that way I'd be a happy man.
Alright let's get on with the update. I had a shitty day yesterday, spat the dummy and almost bailed out on finishing it but came to my senses in time to put together something I think will make a large number of penises happy. So go on - check it...
Word Rage - Epic Last Day - Like A Boss - Un-Words - Bitch Crazy - Who's Your Buddy? - So F-ing Dumb - Ass Is Ass
Full Retard - Indestructible - It Hurts! - Bounced - BIG Toe - Nasty Slut - What A Fag - Legend - Alpha Babe - Sniped
Just Gross - Wacky Slut - Emo Idiot - Angelina Tits - Swallow - Interrupted - Pleasing - Snow Queen - Ur So Tasty
I heard on this morning's news that Rolf Harris has been arrested for playing his didgeridoo in A minor.
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I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said "Nice legs". The girl giggled and said with a smile "Do you really think so?" I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.
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Two gay guys were caught in the act in a public park by a policeman. As the cop tried to arrest them for their act of public indecency, they bolted away. The cop pursued after them and managed to catch one of them. He told him "When I catch your boyfriend I'm going to shove this nightstick right up his ass". Just then a voice calls out from behind a tree. "Yoo-hoo, Officer. I'm over here".
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There was a young man who went to the doctor and said he wanted to get married but he was worried about the small size of his member. The doctor advised him to go and stay on a farm, dip his wick in milk several times a day, and have it sucked by a calf. Some months later when they met in the street, the doctor said "How's your marriage?" "Oh, I didn't get married doctor, I bought the calf instead".
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Two sanitary pads were floating down a sewer drain, and were approaching two tampons. Before the pads and tampons reached each other, one pad said to the other "Should we say hi to those two tampons?" The other pad responded "Err... nah... they're stuck up cunts".
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One guy says to his buddy "What is a dilemma, actually?" The buddy replied "Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that. Imagine that you are lying in a big bed with a beautiful young woman on one side and a gay man on the other. Who are you going to turn your back on?
ORSM
VIDEO
DISGUSTING FOOD FACTS
-We've all got the occasional hair in our food at one point or another. Ingesting unwanted hair is more likely to occur at fast food restaurants… and it's not just the hair that grows on the top of heads that you need to worry about.
-Apparently, real strawberries are expensive. So fast food companies like McDonald's choose to use a ridiculous concoction of 50 chemicals to effectively imitate the flavour of one real-world food. These chemicals include ethyl acetate, phenythyl alcohol and solvent.
-Before reshaping, foods like chicken nuggets, hot dogs, bologna and pepperoni look like a disgusting sludge of pink paste. This is done through a process called mechanical separation, which is a cost-effective way to 'smooth out' bone remnants left after the de-boning process. The process results in excessive bacteria, which is fixed by washing the meat in ammonia. To cover up that delicious ammonia flavour, the meat is then re-flavoured artificially and dyed to resemble to type of meat it once was.
-Chewing Gum contains lanolin, something found in skincare products. It softens up your hands, and your chewing gum. Lanolin is the oily secretion found in sheep wool. Every time you chew, you're chewing sheep sweat. Those sheep are also very likely to have been dipped in insecticides on the farm. These pesticides can accumulate in fat tissue, which researchers worry could affect the breast milk of new mothers.
-FDA laws allow for an average of 30 insect fragments per 100 grams of peanut butter. In that same half cup of peanut butter, you'll also find at least one rodent hair (on average).
-Shellac is a type of finishing product that is typically used to improve the shine of wood and furniture. However, it can also be used to improve the shine of certain foods, such as jelly beans. Where does shellac come from? Why, it's secreted by an insect in Thailand called the Kerria Iacca of course! Jelly Beans also contain artificial food dyes, most of which are derived from petroleum materials. Orange and purple dyes have even been shown to slow down brain function, and cause behavioural problems in kids.
-Food production companies have long sought ways to combat unhealthy microbes found on processed foods such as lunch meat and hot dogs. A few years ago, the FDA approved the use of bacteriophages (aka viruses) that help kill these dangerous microbes. So, basically, viruses are purposely being added to your food to improve shelf life.
-While cocaine was taken out of Coca-Cola long ago, the current formula is still formulated to get you high. Each can of Coke contains 10 teaspoons of sugar. This is 100 percent of your recommended daily intake. In normal circumstances, the extreme sweetness of this much sugar would immediately cause you to vomit uncontrollably. However, since all that sugar is addictive and keeps you coming back for more, Coca-Cola adds phosphoric acid - an ingredient that cuts the sweetness to manageable levels.
-A more accurate name for Kraft Singles and other packaged cheeses is 'cheese-like substance'. Any cheese product labelled as processed or pasteurised includes additives, chemicals and flavourings that account for up 49 percent of the total product. As a result, that cheap cheese in your grocery store has just enough real cheese in it to allow companies to call it cheese.
-Mushrooms are obviously always better fresh than canned. The plastic lining of those cans contain BPA, a chemical linked to heart attacks, obesity and cancers. Canned mushrooms have an extra surprise. The FDA allows 19 maggots and 74mites in every 3.5 ounce can off mushrooms. While maggots won't hurt you, they aren't very appetising.
-Choosing to 'eat healthy' at a fast food restaurant isn't necessarily a good idea. To prolong crispness, packaged salads are dusted with Propylene Glycerol, a chemical commonly found in antifreeze. In its concentrated form, the chemical has been known to cause eye and skin irritation.
-Many fast food chicken items contain beef additives used to enhance flavour and juke health stats. Chicken McNuggets, the Wendy's Grilled Chicken Sandwich, and KFC Grilled Chicken Sandwich are a few examples. Check the ingredients, and you'll see no sign of such atrocities. That's because such beef additives are listed as 'extract' or 'essence'.
-When you pick out that nice red steak at the grocery store, you're choosing it because it looks fresh, but will it taste as fresh? It's hard to know because a lot of meat is treated with carbon monoxide to help retain its natural colour. That doesn't mean the meat is bad, but it does mean that it's not as fresh as you'd been led to believe.
-The meat industry has become reliant on antibiotics. Reason? Poor diet and living conditions mean that many animals that make it on to our table were really sick. For example, 13 percent of feedlot cattle have abscessed livers.
-L-cysteine, an amino acid, is a common ingredient used as a processing aid in bread products. The main sources for the manufacture of this additive are human hair and duck feathers.
SEXY ATHLETES |
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Two guys in a bar. One says "Did you hear the news - Mike is dead!" "Woah what the hell happened to him?" "Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and BANG! He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof. Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window".
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No no, he survived, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones".
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"
"No no, that didn't kill him - he survived that too. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid-air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him".
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him".
"Man, what a way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted. 10,000 volts shot through him".
"Now that is one awful way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he..." "Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?" "I shot him!" "You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?" "He was wrecking my fucking house!!"
ORSM
VIDEO
SICK JOKE WARNING
A man walks into the office of a talent agent, he walks up to the agent and says "I've got an act for you. It's me and my family and I'd like you to represent us". The agent says "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute". The man says "But, this is really something special, not your normal family act". The agent says "Okay, describe it to me in 5 minutes".
So the man begins "Well, my wife and I run out on stage in clown make up and she begins to juggle 4 live kittens. Of course my wife isn't a very good juggler so she drops 3 of them and then eats the 4th. Whole. She's got an amazing set of jaws on her. As she's doing this I've stripped down to my birthday suit and I'm erect because seeing kittens being killed and eaten whole always turns me on. So I go behind me wife and begin to do her from behind. Well, she gets the kitten stuck in her throat and so I have to do it harder to make it come out. It does and it goes flying, normally clears the first few rows and lands on the lap of an audience member. 9 times out of 10 it's still alive.
As soon as the cats gone flying my 12 year old son and 9 year old daughter run across the stage. My daughter of course being on fire. So myself and my son piss on her to put there fire out, we have to drink a lot of fluids before the show and the timing is crucial here - so far though no mess ups. So my daughter is no longer on fire and covered in piss. Of course I love seeing 9 year old girls covered in urine after being on fire so I'm still erect. However I let my son have his way with his sister first. He's young so he busts a nut pretty quick, all over the family dog that has jumped from the ceiling dressed in a Nazi uniform.
It's about this time, as I'm nailing my wife from behind that I need a shit because of the laxative I take beforehand. So I shit into a couple of those things you put pies in, still doing my wife. I'm very multi-talented. So I get these 4 shit pies lined up, normally a fairly good consistency. Not too runny, I make sure I eat enough solids for it not to be too runny.
I then pull out of my wife and spray my load all over her back before picking up a pie and smashing it into her face. My son grabs one and pretends to throw it at his mother but throws it at his sister who does a triple front flip landing face first into another pie. Then I get the last pay and launch it into the crowd as far as I can as our dog does the goose step across the stage.
So we stand there, covered in shit, clown makeup running a bit and there's normally some blood and of course cum. So we stand there naked and then deliver a barbershop version of 'Baby Got Back' before the lights go down.
The man looks at the agent and says "Well, that's the act. Do you like it?"
The agent just sits in silence. You could cut it with a knife. Finally, he replies "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?" To which the man replies, with an eager grin "The Sophisticates".
WOMAN - GET BACK IN THE KITCHEN!! |
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Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what - metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured".
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth...
Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there". The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
What was in the prince's pants? M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
| MONIKA SWEETHEART |
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READER MAIL
Got something Orsm-worthy? Submit it! If your shit is good enough it'll be featured on the main page and then archived for all eternity or at least until I have had enough of this whole internet/website caper. On the 'send to me now or suffer the consequences' list are pics of your terrible ex-girlfriend, pics of your tasty current girlfriend, jokes, funny jokes, funny ha-ha jokes, disturbing video clips, pictures of jokes and video clips and pretty much anything else you can attach to an email and send hurtling down all seven layers of the OSI. To make it happen all you must do is click here.
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Bomber #1 Photo
Your response to the submitter's photo seemed to be questioning the injuries sustained by the bomber. As a Paramedic here in the US, I can explain the major trauma you see:
1 - The dark red going down the face and right side of chest/shoulder is from being run over by the car. The high speed chase causes the tire rubber to super heat, which created the burn on his body.
2 - You will notice two white lines with orange tips on each side of the upper chest. These are 14ga IV needle catheters that were used in attempt to decompress any air from the pleural cavity.
3 - The large gaping wound on the left chest is from the trauma surgeon in the ER. I have seen this twice before. With the major thorasic injury and multiple gunshot wounds, the only chance of survival was for the trauma surgeon to make a large incision, spread the rib cage (essentially breaking them) and perform a cardiac massage with his/her hands. Every time I've seen this, it was still not survivable.
Hope this clears up some of the injuries. Love the site! (No identity details please)
Killer email! But I always come back to the Princess Diana crash pic. Real or not? Either way I just hope the fucker suffered. -Orsm |
Anthony wrote:
Subject: Am I missing something?
When a soldier is killed in the line of duty, his family eventually gets a flag and a note conveying sympathy and respect and from the United States Government. When a Black pro basketball player announces he is a cocksucker, he immediately gets a personal phone call from the President congratulating him for his courage. Am I missing something? |
joe wrote:
Subject: dinosaur exam
That is the kind of tests and answers you get when the libtards are in charge of the education system. I will bet that the aussie education system has things like this to make sure the aboos graduate.
Not true. Aboriginals don't go to school. -Orsm |
Shaun wrote:
Subject: Important notice from SAPS
Hey Orsm, Just thought I'd let you know that crying child with the address on the paper is a crock-of-shit hoax that's been going around for about eight years. Google it, it's never happened. Plus, the same bullshit story is suppose to have taken place in South Africa, the US, Australia etc.etc. All just nonsense. Keep up the good work. |
One wrote:
Subject: Power generator powered exclusively by gravity
Hey Awesum, check this shit out fella... If this is not BS, then it's one hell of a concept.
Gravty powered generator. Amazing if it actually works. -Orsm |
Pat wrote:
Subject: A subtle hint?
Hey man, My brother has been bothered by this crazy lady for years - no matter what he says she doesn't seem to get it. Anyway this pic is one of his latest attempts. Enjoy.
Funny because it is totally fucking true. -Orsm |
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Jezza wrote:
Subject: Vitamin D
Hi, great site man. Seeing your "GOTTA GET YOUR VITAMIN D" photos today has reminded of the pic I took in Cuba last month, I think it's awesome. Feel free to crop it to take the ugly chic out and share it... cheers
These kind of submissions are always welcome. What you waiting for fuckers? Email me! -Orsm |
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Brian wrote:
Subject: Emailing
And you thought your day was going poorly...
Picture reminds me of my life at the moment. -Orsm |
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pns2sw wrote:
Subject: Google street view
Saw this on Google earth, it on Av. Bernardo Veira de Melo near Rua Argentina Castelo Branco in Recife in Brazil. I hate to think what they do to your car there. |
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Neil wrote:
Subject: More errors
The news item shown last week had an error highlighted but there is another one.... "Police said a white swan taxis "maxi taxi" was between driven on Mandurah Road between 10am and 10.30am" etc etc. Methinks the news site needs a new proofreader.
I completely missed that. Story must have been one of those brain testing ones that proves we can still make sense from things that don't. -Orsm |
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Potx wrote:
Subject: RS
I am beginning to wonder about my fellow citizens intelligence levels. thanks |
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Awesome Friends...
Look for the cat as it makes its way down from the roof to the dog... Then, check the explanation at the end. The story behind this picture is: Every day- at the same time- she waits for him... Sometimes the dog barks to call him. He comes... they rub and greet each other and they go for a walk. They have done this for 5 years and no, they don't belong to the same owners. The owners didn't know until neighbors seeing them together so frequently commented to the cat's owner, who then followed the dog home, which was a distance away- not in a house close or next door. How it started no
one knows. Wouldn't it be great to have friends like this - always there... no words needed... they just intuitively recognize the value of each other in their lives and act accordingly... |
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Michael wrote:
Subject: Equal Courtesy
NO idea if there's ANY truth to this, but it nonetheless raises a valid point.
Makes it so much harder when both sides come up with good arguments. -Orsm |
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Justin wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Saving his porn??? |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Hellö
A friend of mine made this hoodie as a present for his 2yr-old niece. The parents (huge motörhead-fans) asked him to give her "something for a girl but not too girly". Please HIDE my details. Great site! |
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Ben wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Pic for Random Shite - No need for CGI. Cheers
Probably wouldnt have made the last few Spider-man films any worse. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Funny Photo
Please hide my info. Loved your site for YEARS, and I finally have something worth contributing. Saw this banner when I arrived at my local airport. I don't know why I never thought to say, "I'm a lubrication engineer," when picking up women at bars. I think every man believes he IS a lubrication engineer. So many jokes to be had. Thanks for making the internet more interesting for me over the years! |
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Kel wrote:
Subject: Superannuation Imbalance! - WHAT A MOB OF HYPOCRITES!
See if I care if you don't vote for me!!! And courtesy of today's Australian – the location of wealth is not always measured in surveys. Surely now we Australians must understand why we are in so much debt. This is just the tip of the iceberg when you consider all past politicians who are enjoying retirement on a big fat pension. |
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Kel wrote:
Subject: Ouch
Kim Jung Un had NO military experience whatsoever before Daddy made him a four-star general. This snot-nosed twerp had never accomplished anything in his life that would even come close to military leadership. He hadn't even so much as led a Cub Scout troop, coached a sports team, or commanded a military platoon. So he is made the "Beloved Leader" Of North Korea. [continues] |
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Craig wrote:
Subject: Tool shed
I don't know where this takes place, but I think its Canada. Past on to me, and knew you would get a lot of valuable ideas from it. the story: I bring you this for your viewing pleasure. Do-it-your-selfers may get an extra special kick out of this one. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: photo
Hi, I've been lurking around your site for numerous years Thought you might like to see some photos of a ex a few years ago. please hide my deatails |
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Kel wrote:
Subject: Strange Old Vehicles (some not seen before)
Someone reached way down into the archives to retrieve these pictures. |
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Brian wrote:
Subject: Gf
A few pics of my gf. She wants to know what people think. Maybe she'll be persuaded to send in more interesting pics if people want
Really is impossible to say for sure without seeing boob. -Orsm |
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Brian wrote:
Subject: REGGIE - A BLACK LAB
If you take the time to read this, be sure to read it through to the end including the final quote!!! A Really Great (and true) Story - Well Worth the Reading! |
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Jd wrote:
Subject: SAPS The truth why crime is so high in South Africa
UPSIDE DOWN GOGGLES ? AND NO WHITE EX-COPS MAY BE ALLOWED BACK INTO THE SO CALLED "SERVICE " BECAUSE Whites JUST DON'T WANT TO LOSE THIS WONDERFULL CRIME FIGHTING - Sleeping LIFE.!!!!! 400KGS. HIGHLY TRAINED DRIVERS - FLYING SQUAD ON CALL - BUT IMMOBILE ! |
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Tanya wrote:
Subject: Tanya Pics
Hey ORSM guys: Just dropping by for a flash for my ORSM homies. Some of you might recall I- as a shy and betrayed ex-g.f.- sent in some ass shots as a laught and a dig to my asshole ex who likes this site. With the amazing response and many requests from guys all over the place, I am now a full-pro nudie web chick, and it's thanks to you ORSM horndogs. Enjoy these recent pics (I'm 37!!!) and drop a line with comments of suggested poses (I'm out of ideas)...
Gotta love the nipples. Previous Tanya pics can be found here, here, here, here and here. -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: video....
Video of 2 rally dudes on the 2013 Rally of the Lakes, Killarney, Ireland who forgot that you also need a car....... Please hide details, Cheers |
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Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!
ORSM
VIDEO
A young man goes to buy the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GT. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks "What kind of car ya' got there sonny?" The young man replies "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money" says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 kilometres an hour!" he states proudly. The old moped driver asks "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem" replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes, and the young guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it and within seconds the speedometer reads 160kmh.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly Whoosh! Something whips by him going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250kmh. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped!
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275kmh. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He's feeling pretty good
Until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 kmh. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the moped ploughs into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out. Unbelievably the old man is still alive! He runs up to the mangled old man and says "Oh My God! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers... "UNHOOK... MY... SUSPENDERS... FROM... YOUR... SIDE VIEW... MIRROR!"
OH YOU GOT INK? WHAT'S THEIR RETURN POLICY?? |
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THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY...
-What's this doing here?
-Okay, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
-I didn't hear anything in med school about small, hissing reptilian creatures crawling through the patient's stomach.
-Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
-Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
-Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingie.
-Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
-Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
-Damn, there go the lights again...
-Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
-Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.
-The left vein's connected to the... right aorta... the left brain's connected to the... stomach bone...
-At least he doesn't have brain damage... wait... now he does
-Has anyone here used one of these before?
-Hey Beavis...heh heh...check it out...BOING OING OING!!!!
-I'm gonna need one of you guys to start whispering in her ear. Tell her to "Move away from the light".
-Look on the bright side, at least his wife won't have to worry about getting pregnant...
-This is the part where I always get stuck.
-Thank god for malpractice insurance!
-Someone call the janitor and tell him to bring a mop.
-Wait a minute. If this is his spleen, what's that?
-Stand back! I lost a contact.
-Could you stop that thing from beeping? It's throwing off my concentration!
-That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
-I should have brought my glasses.
-Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
-Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's pretty clean, right?
-Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
-Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
-Don't worry. I think it's sharp enough.
-She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!
-Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
-FIRE! FIRE! Everybody out!
-Max! MAX! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
-Oh, no! Anybody seen my Rolex?
-I hate it when there's stuff missing.
-What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?!
-And now, I'll remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
-This patient has already had kids, right?
-What do you mean you want a divorce?!
-Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!
-Oops.
-Let me ask your opinion, nurse...
-I thought we started with four clamps?
-Has anyone ever seen one of these?
-What do you mean, it's upside down?
-Oh, man! I think I'm gonna be sick.
-This is what happens when cousins marry.
-You think we can sew it back on?
-Put on Dr Kevorkian's new CD.
-Is that supposed to be yellow?
-I learned that when I studied to be a vet.
-Not bad for someone who failed med school huh?
-What does the AMA know? I still think I can do it.
-Whoa. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten so drunk last night.
-Does Tab A go into Slot C or Slot F?
-They never let us practice on real people in med school.
-That proves aliens have taken over our bodies.
-He looks like my ex-wife's attorney. The one who got her the house, the car, the money... he even got her!
-Don't worry, he'll never know. He's out!
-Okay, make a wish and pull.
-So that's what a girl looks like!
-Back in a minute. Gotta put more money in the meter.
-What he doesn't know won't hurt us.
-Uh, ya want fries with that?
-Who ordered the pepperoni?
-Tilt that TV this way. I can't see the game.
-The voices in my head keep telling me not to do this.
-I think my Alzheimer's is getting... uh...
-Oh, yeah? If you think you're so good, you do it!
-CLEAR!!
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Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away
"I may look like just an ordinary guy" he said to her "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million".
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
NUDE PROTESTERS |
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A couple was going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled up, but just needed to put their Labrador bitch out when the taxi arrives.
However as the couple walked out of the house, the dog shoots back in the house.
They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say good-night to my mother".
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!"
The silence in the cab was deafening.
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Oh look at that. Update is FINISHED which means I am DONE.
-Check out the site archives. You know you want tooooo....
-Next update will be next Thursday... as long as the server move goes smoothly. If not then just be patient whilst DNS updates. I assure you I'm not gone.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will act totally nonchalant no matter what you tell him.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and please don't take anything I've said here seriously. Or do. I don't give a FUCK. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2013.05.09-17.40 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. If you make me an offer I can't refuse, I won't be able to refuse it.
There is no possible way this week could possibly have been any busier. Hasn't been a single spare minute. A peak-hour mission to the eastern suburbs, another to the CBD, ridiculous hours in front of the PC, a meeting, endless papers to read and sign, an incredibly badly-timed and prolonged internet connection dropout and phone calls. Countless fucking phone calls. For someone that doesn't really need a phone to do their job it sure rings a lot. We're at the point that embarking on the new house build is consuming obscene amounts of time and effort. Apparently going to get worse before it gets better too so not exactly sure how that will affect my life - silly things like sleep are down to less than 5 hours a night and don't get me started on how quickly I can go from feeling the urge to shit to being back at my desk. I'm probably a prime candidate for a heart attack in coming years which is why the diet is back on in full swing. That said....
Without a doubt one of the stupidest things anyone can do is diet through the cooler months. In some ways it's actually easier compared to summer because everyone is less social which means less going out and opportunity to eat badly. What you contend with however is lower overall food intake which means less for your body to metabolise so you generate less heat. Long story short - your extremities freeze even when it's not that cold. This is something fat people don't experience. They can go through winter with the minimum layers of clothing and barely feel a thing. Summer obviously doesn't have the same perks and the aircon gets a workout. I used to be _way_ fatter than I am now and the difference is fucking staggering. Whereas once winter was a pleasure, it's now a nightmare and as the cold slowly bears down I'm beginning to wonder if a thinner body and the extra years 'healthy' people supposedly live for are even worth hanging around for.
Okay let's move on to more self-indulgent blogging and social insight. If you're still with me and haven't already scrolled down to the rest of the update then lets continue my riveting summary of the week's events beginning with...
Saturday was one of those rare days I was totally content. Everything just went my way. Most of it completely insignificant but enough to feel like the world isn't against me for a change - it was just a good day. Can't ask for much more than that. As usual it all began early. Will never know why I wake up early on the weekends yet oversleep my alarm during the week.
Anyway first stop was chiropractor. Finally have visits down to fortnightly which means back and shoulder woes have improved enough that I'm not sitting at the computer in pain 17 hours a day. Next was back to the old house to load the car up with some various bits and pieces. From there it was off to my grans house to slyly cram more of that stuff into her garage and spend some QT learning how to make red eggs. Actually not that hard...
Swung past to see friends' afterward for a quick coffee and chat before heading back to the old house again and loading the car up... again. Honestly just when I think everything is done more crap appears. Will unsurprisingly be back there this weekend hopefully for the last time [although I doubt it]. Was mid-afternoon by the time I got home which left me about ten minutes to scoff lunch and head back out. This for a rescheduled birthday coffee with male parent.
Home once again late arvo to finally grab a few minutes chilling out before it all started again. First trick was to decorate a cake. Yes, a cake. Have absolutely no interest in baking... not until chocolate is involved that is. Grating and spreading it all over the creamy multi-tiered behemoth ultimately left more choc going into my mouth than over the cake. Nom. Activity for the night was a 60th birthday party. Had been pre-warned I wouldn't know anyone there which wasn't exactly enticing but whaddya know - ended up being a great night. Thankfully not everyone at an old person's birthday is old and thankfully a bunch of drunk 20 year olds dancing late into the night provided plenty of entertainment.
Sunday kicked off with a family bash. Didn't quite get the attendance that was planned but good to put the important ones together. Got to meet my nephew for the first time too. It's a baby. It's cute. He didn't say much. Awesome. Eventually escaped to do a grocery run and head home to repair some shitty furniture that I just happened to be unlucky enough to break. Halfway through the phone rings. Old man has a spare ticket to the football. OH YES PLEASE. Think the last home game I managed was about 8-9 years ago [its hard to get tickets here] so jumped in the car and off I went. Had a great time too - the seats were a few rows back from the boundary so we had an awesome view of the action. Combine that with some beers and an overdue win by the Eagles it was all worth sacrificing sitting around the house doing chores.
Alright enough enough! Am happy to say I'm exceedingly happy with how today's update turned out. Love just about everything about it [except for being the poor cunt who had to stick it all together]. Think what I'm trying to say is keep me in mind when you pleasure yourself to it. Now fuck off and check it...
Turbo Rally - Kid Goes OFF - Crush On You - Honest Trailer - Taxidermy Crazy - Meaningless - In Ur Ass - Mr Schlong
80's Porn - Miley Nips! - Bad Split - Wank Attack - Parody Porn - RPG Execution - Teen Mom - Wild Lez - Nude Transit
Meltdown - Vaj Pounding - [Se]Xbox - Punishment - He Got Guts - Karma - Karma Too - Cum Swallow - Alba Boob
This bloke woke for the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a rag head Muslim sneaking through his neighbour's garden. Suddenly his neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly. He then began to dig a grave with a shovel. Stunned and astonished he returned to bed. His wife asked "Darling you're shaking, what is it??" You'll never believe what I've just seen' he said... 'That bastard next door has still got my bloody shovel!'".
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Angela Merkel, the German Chancellor, arrives at Passport Control at Athens airport. "Nationality?" asks the immigration officer. "German" she replies. "Occupation?" "No, not this time I am just here for a few days first".
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My porn star friend recently passed away. As a mark of respect, we had his ashes scattered over his wife's face.
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I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, standing beside me. I gave her a loving smile and said "Get that trolley over here love. They're doing 3 cartons of beer for the price of 2".
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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied "Just doing what you said, Doc: "Get a hot mamma and be cheerful." The doctor said "I didn't say that! I said "You've got a heart murmur... be careful".
ORSM
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ADVERTISING FACTS
-The most complained about ad in Australia in 2010 was an ad from the Advanced Medical Institute about erectile dysfunction. To advertise the effectiveness of the drug, the ad showed a wife using her husband's erection as a step stool to reach something out of a high cupboard.
-Ice cubes in beverage advertisements are typically made of acrylic so they won't melt under hot photography lights or move around. Bubbles are made by adding detergent, and water is added so light will filter through better.
-A York University study revealed that U.S. pharmaceutical companies spend twice as much on advertising as they do on research.
-The famous Marlboro Man ads began in 1955. The Marlboro Man actually included a variety of masculine figures such as athletes, gunsmiths, and captains, but the rugged cowboy image proved the most marketable. Three men who appeared in the advertisements later died of lung cancer, earning the brand the nickname "Cowboy Killer".
-TV commercials during Super Bowl XLV in 2011 are estimated to have cost $3 million for a 30-second spot.
-More than $500 billion a year is spent on advertising worldwide.
-By the time a person in the United States is 65 years old, he would have seen an estimated two million television commercials.
-In fashion advertising, women are often pictured lying on bearskin rugs, wearing furs and feathers, or dressed in tight-fitting leather clothing. Some researchers criticise these kinds of ads because they feature women as "prey".
-Women's bodies are often "dismembered" in ads and shown only as "body parts". This type of representation has been criticized for objectifying women and contributing to the underlying culture of violence toward women.
-In 1900, the standard billboard was created in America, creating a billboard boon along streets and highways.
-Many researchers argue that advertising is the most powerful art form on Earth.
-Over $15 billion a year is spent in advertisements directed toward children in the U.S.
-Though the commercial '1984' which launched the Apple Macintosh computer, ran just one time on American television, during the Super Bowl, it has had a lasting impact on advertising. Directed by Ridley Scott, the commercial was the first example of event marketing, or when a promotion deserves as much coverage as the product itself.
-One Kirshenbaum & Bond sidewalk ad in New York reads "From here, it looks like you could use some new underwear". This type of advertising is termed guerrilla or stealth advertising to label a breed of edgy urban advertisements.
-The first advertisement widely believed to be the first to feature a homosexual couple aired in 1994 when an Ikea ad featured two male companions shopping together for furniture.
-A Disney ad which showed a woman with the words "lift my shirt to see more" over her breasts was banned in 2009. It was an advertisement for the film Adventureland.
-Most watches displayed in advertisements are set to 10:10 because the hands of the watch frame the watch brand name and they make a smiling face.
-The American Psychological Association (APA) reports that children under eight years old are not able to critically understand advertisements and that they regard them as truthful, accurate, and unbiased.
Fast food companies (soda, fast food, and cereal) in the U.S. spent about $1.6 billion in advertising in 2006.
-In 2006, soda companies spent an estimated $492 million in advertising. In contrast, the Milk Processor Education Program, which sponsors the "Got Milk" ads, spent about $67 million.
-The average child in America watches over 40,000 television commercials in a year, or over 100 a day.
-Advertisers consciously try to create a 'nag factor' by bombarding kids with ads encouraging them to buy certain products in order to become popular. American children ages 12-17 will ask a parent for products they have seen on television an average of nine times until parents finally give in.
-In a national survey, more than half of the children who responded reported that buying certain advertised products made them feel better about themselves.
-The very first U.S. paid advertisement was a 1704 ad in the Boston News Letter which advertised an estate in Oyster Bay, Long Island.
-Researchers note a correlation between sexual imagery in children's ads and an increase in eating disorders among girls.
-In 2008, approximately $2.6 billion was spent on political advertising in the U.S. - the largest ever during a presidential campaign. Obama's campaign spent $70 million on ads for the primary and $240 million for the general election. McCain's campaign spent $10 million for the primary and $126 million for the general election.
-In 2006, Microsoft spent over $11.5 billion on advertising. That same year, Coca-Cola spent $2.5 billion, Yahoo spent $1.3 billion, eBay spent $871 million, Google spent $188 million, and Starbucks spent $95 million.
-In 2000, U.S. Internet advertising revenue was $8.1 billion. In 2011, that figure jumped to $32 billion. In 2013, the figure is expected to reach $42 billion.
-Advertisers often use a technique called "affective condition" which means they take a product and place it next to other things consumers feel positively about. For example, a detergent ad will juxtapose their brand with babies, sunshine, flowers, or other similar items. Repeatedly showing their brand with these items makes consumers feel good about the detergent too.
-Advertisers appeal to several common psychological themes to motivate people to buy their products. Some of the most common psychological appeals are to self-preservation, sex, self-esteem, fear, authority, and imitation.
-Studies show that repeated exposure to a stimulus that is barely perceptible creates an "exposure effect" which increases positive feelings toward the object. For example, even though most people do not click banner ads, the ads still positively influence the way people feel about the product. In fact, the "wear out" effect of banner ads did not appear even after 20 exposures.
-Food advertisements often use food stylists to style food for advertisements. For example, food stylists for roasted chicken will pull the skin tight on the chicken and sew it up with a needle and thread. Then they will stuff the chicken with wet paper towels, which keeps the chicken plump and creates steam. The chicken is then roasted just enough to make the skin bumpy while the insides remain raw. The bird then is painted a golden brown.
-In advertisements for children, child actors are typically older than the target audience. For example, a commercial for 8-year-olds will show 11 or 12 year old models playing with an 8 year old toy. Advertisers use older children as role models, as an image of what younger children will want to be like.
-Microsoft allegedly paid the Rolling Stones $9 million to use their hit "Start Me Up" in its Windows 95 advertisements. Additionally, unknown songs by new artists can become hits overnight because of their association with a popular advertisement. For example, Cansei de Ser Sexy's "Music is My Hot, Hot, Sex" became popular when Apple used their song to advertise its iPod.
-The first American magazine advertisement appeared in Benjamin Franklin's General Magazine in 1742.
-Life was the first magazine to make $100 million per year in advertising.
-In 1938, radio surpassed magazines in generating advertisement profits.
-Pre-recorded advertisements became possible in 1956 with the invention of videotape recording.
-Interpublic, WPP, and Omnicom Group are the top three largest advertising companies in the world.
-Many kids are plugged in to some kind of media for more than seven hours a day, which means their exposure to advertising is at record levels.
-Because the Mars candy company found the character ET in the movie ET: The Extra-Terrestrial so ugly, they refused to allow M&M's to act as a lure for the creature. Instead, Reese's Pieces were used. Sales for Reese's Pieces went up 65% once the film was released.
-Doyle Dane Bernbach's "Think Small" ad for Volkswagen at the end of the 1950s is considered particularly brilliant because it took a German car initially created for Hitler and successfully sold it to post-war Americans.
-Viral advertising uses blogs and emails to promote a product. For example, Dove's "Evolution of Beauty" campaign was an overnight viral sensation when more than a million people watched a time-elapsed video of a model being made beautiful on YouTube.
-"Ambient ads" which legally and illegally advertise on unexpected places, such as store floors, washroom stalls, or sidewalks, have been so successful that marketing firms have actively sought out new and shocking places to display their products. Researchers note that this use of "edgy" space intensifies a sense of distrust and alienation because it makes people suspicious that any human interaction may be a commercially staged event designed to get us to buy something.
-A new study finds that the best strategy for advertisers trying to persuade a sceptical audience is to leave out facts and focus more on emotional ads. On the flip side, it found that those who are less sceptical are more persuaded by more information-based ads.
-The 1970 Crying Indian advertisements helped usher in not only Earth Day but also the Environment Protection Agency (EPA). It also motived 100,000 people in the first four months of the ad to request a booklet on how to reduce pollution, helped reduce litter by as much as 88% by 1983, and is described as one of the 50 greatest commercials of all time.
-Before the printing press, advertisements were often vocal announcements. The invention of the printing press in 1440 ushered in the advent of modern advertising.
-The largest group of advertisers is food marketers.
-Controversy arose when ABC and Fox censored a sexy Lane Bryant ad for plus-size lingerie but allowed a Victoria Secret ad to air unedited. Lane Bryant claimed that there is a bias against plus-size women in lingerie.
-Most Victoria Secret models in advertisements are a size 2, with a 34"-36" bust, 23" waist, and 34"-35" hips.
-Advertisers are expected to spend $4 billion on Facebook in 2011, of which $2.19 billion will come from U.S advertising.
-Researchers report that women's magazines have 10.5 times more ads and articles promoting weight loss than men's magazines do, and over 75% of women's magazine covers include at least one article title about how to change a woman's body by diet, exercise, or cosmetic surgery.
-Ronald McDonald was first introduced in 1963. In 2010, the advocacy group Corporate Accountability International argued that the clown has hooked kids on unhealthy food for nearly 50 years, creating an epidemic of diet-related diseases.
-Using sex to sell a product is not new. Advertisers have used sex to sell products since the early days of modern advertising. For example, pictures of naked women were placed in tobacco ads in the 1800s.
GOTTA GET YOUR VITAMIN D... |
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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie stood and walked to the podium.
She said "I would like to give praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him". You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.
"Phil was unable to hold me or the children" she went on "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place".
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil. "Now" she announced in a quivering voice "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely". All the men sighed with unified relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. After a few brief moments, a man stood up and walked slowly and with some difficulty to the podium. He said "I'm Phil". The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum".
ORSM
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A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub for a drink with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box "Would you like to go down the pub with me today? We will have a good time".
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again "How about going down the pub with me?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede's box and shouted "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the pub with me?
This time, a little voice came out of the box "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my fucking shoes on!"
IF YOU DIDN'T ENJOY LAST WEEK'S BAD TITS... HERE ARE SOME NICE TITS... |
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Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in the front yard, my neighbours stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog. During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be Prime Minister someday.
Both of her Parents, (Labor supporters) were standing there, so I asked her "If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?" She replied... "I'd give food and houses to all the Homeless People".
Her Parents beamed with pride. "Wow, what a worthy goal!" I said. "But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that!" I told her. "What do you mean?" she replied. So I told her "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house".
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?" I said "Welcome to Australia".
Her parents aren't speaking to me anymore…
WHITNEY STEVENS: ON COCK |
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ORSM
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Reader mail gets the dick this week. Don't stress - it'll be back next update but in the meantime you guys get the motherload of new videos. Should keep you busy for a few. If not and if you think you can do better then feel free to email me and submit whatever the fuck you like. Ex GF pics, jokes, videos, social commentary, abuse, funny pics, random shite, constructive and unconstructive criticisms, cool links, threats to sue - all welcome. Just click here and do it!
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin". The husband replies "That's no big thing in this day and age".
The wife continues "Yeah, I've been with one other guy". "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods". "Tiger Woods the golfer?" "Yeah". "Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him".
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" says the wife. The husband says "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food". "Tiger wouldn't do that". "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time". The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "What are you doing?" She says. The husband says "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food". "Tiger wouldn't do that". "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time". The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"
DECENT: LISA MARIE |
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A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour "What's the camel for?"
The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel". The captain said "Well if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me".
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it anymore so he told his Sergeant "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!"
The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain's quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town".
ORSM
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Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!
The couple were 85 years old and had been married for 60 years. They were far from rich but managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now".
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing" Peter replied "remember, this is your reward in Heaven". The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is heaven" St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day!"
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flow champagne - everything! "Don't even ask" said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy". The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked. That's the best part" St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!" The old man pushed "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to" was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...?" "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself".
The old man glared at his wife and said "You and your fucking Bran Flakes. We could have been here years ago!"
BIG DOGS |
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An attractive blonde from arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude". With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an yelled "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked "What did she roll?" The other answered "I don't know - I thought you were watching".
RANDOM SHITE
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A hungry bloke walks into a seedy Glasgow cafe. He sits at the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chilli.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks "If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?" The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says "Nah, ye can go ahead".
Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli back into the bowl.
The old Jock says "Aye, that's as far as I got too".
EVERYONE HAS AN IPHONE |
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An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it". And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he
dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husbands client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight" she said.
He whirled around and screamed "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Well my work here is done. As usual I have NO idea how this bad boy came together in time. Was very much plagued by constant interruptions so t'was a challenge to stay focussed. That said I think we can all agree this update will be long remembered as one of the greats. The Christina Hendricks' boobs of updates perhaps. If you agree you then below are some answers to questions you may have...
-Check out the site archives. It's what Christina Hendricks' boobs are doing right now.
-Next update will be next Thursday. See you then? See you then.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will lock you in his basement for the next 10 years. Yadda yadda yadda... I hope you like sex slavery.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and go on then. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2013.05.02-18.18 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Copacetic.
You May not believe it's May. For at least one hemisphere that means shit is getting colder and time to go searching for the winter attire is nigh. That's despite us recording the hottest April since Jesus got his first handjob behind the school shed. What I most look forward to this winter is being in a house that isn't the coldest in the world. The old piece of shit house held that title for the years I spent there. Probably didn't help tearing up the carpet when I first moved in but in my defence it had that old person body odour [or is it urine?] smell. Thankfully we're just weeks away from demolishing and no one will have to suffer it ever again.
I'm somewhat addicted to a 'crime reports' Facebook page that's centric to my home city, Perth. That's despite being banned a few months ago for either mocking idiotic grammar or ridiculing stupid/misinformed/bleeding heart commenters - I'm not really sure which. The theme of the page is people posting reports about crimes they have been victim or witness to. Anything from car thefts to home invasions to violence to antisocial behaviour. Fascinating some of the posts which comes up. Its stuff we normally wouldn't hear about because the crimes aren't newsworthy enough for the media to bother with which in a roundabout way brings me to the next point. Despite a Nazi-esque admin banning people for racist comments etc, OP's are free to state the race of the bad guy perp and that's something the media doesn't or perhaps isn't allowed to do. For instance they won't say "aboriginal male". Wouldn't want to offend anyone after all! Instead they use the much more ambiguous "dark skinned male" at least until the person/s have been accurately identified and even then it's infrequently reported. Regardless, the page has made abundantly clear that that the minority indigenous population commit more crime than we were lead to believe by media and police.
Holy shit though you would never realise there is so much crime around the place. No doubt it's been that way for a very long time but now thanks to the power of social media we have infinitely more access to the information. As a resource to learn how a house was broken in to, what was stolen, how avoid making the same mistakes or provide crims opportunity, it's fantastic. People will become more vigilant. On the other hand you could argue its fear mongering - whereas once we were blind to all the goings-on, now everyone is paranoid that their turn is coming soon. Behaviour and choices will be affected if people think they'll definitely get bashed on the way to by milk. Where this ends up is anyone's guess.
Moving on to me, me, myself and later we'll circle back to me.
Has been a particularly challenging week. Mentioned last update that I'd come down with a cold or chest thing or whatever. That ailment escalated to incredibly annoying levels over the weekend which basically destroyed any chances of doing anything productive. So much so that I was [and remain] barred from visiting my newborn nephew who arrived in the early hours of Friday. Cute little dude from what I can tell but until this thing clears up its pic and Skype access only.
The weekend therefore kept me mostly housebound except for a couple of hours spent obtaining groceries Saturday morning. Returned home from there and parked it in front of the computer for the day working working.
Same deal Sunday however didn't manage to leave the house at all. Shuffled between computer and couch with the only reprieve coming later in the day - parents swung by for a 'hello'. And that was pretty much it. Totally fucking boring and achieved nothing. Minimal life satisfaction. Hate the world.
Alright let's move on. Just in the nick of time too. No one wants to read me waffle on any longer. Not even me. So update you now will I. Of course what you're about to find below is magnificent, highly entertaining, remarkable and enlightening in every possible way. But I don't want to oversell it so I'll just say check it...
Galaxy Siege - Duhhhhh - Rescue Fail - Maximus Thor - Ramen CRAZY - Lamp Tramp - SuperTits - Gone - No English
Super Soaked - Slut Wheel - What The Shit?! - Fart Frolic - Full Racist - Tali-bomb - Too Thin? - Unfknblvbl Bod
Franken Porn - Painal - Lucy Pinder - Angry Sex - Party Time! - Legendary - Sexual No No's - Lactating Lez - Life/Art
A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says "Can I smell your pussy?" The woman looks at him in disgust and says "Certainly not!" "Hmmm" he replies. "It must be your feet, then".
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A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher asked "What's the problem, Carol? I hope it's not homework again". "Well, uh, yes, it is" replied Carol. "I was stupid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane". "Carol, you're right, that wasn't a very bright thing to do" said the teacher "but this once I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in". "Oh, but that won't work" said Carol, looking even sadder. "You see, the plane was hijacked..."
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What does a 9 volt battery and a woman's arsehole have in common? You know it's wrong, but you're going to end up touching it with your tongue.
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A man was telling his neighbour "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It's perfect". "Really" answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty".
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A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?" The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".
ORSM
VIDEO
BRITISH GCSE EXAM ANSWERS
The following are quotes from British GCSE exam answers by 16 year olds. Various answers have been collated together by subject (just in case you think the answers in each topic were from just one candidate) and they were compiled by the examiners themselves.
-Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies. The Egyptians wrote in hydraulics. Egyptians lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sahara is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
-The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of Adam and Eve's children, Cain, said "Am I my brother's son?"
-Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread (which is bread made without any ingredients). Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
-King Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
-The Greeks were a highly sculptured people. Without the Greeks, we would not have had history. The Greeks also had many myths.
-Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of that name.
-Socrates was a famous Greek teacher, who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from a large dose of wedlock. After his death, Socrates' career suffered a dramatic decline.
-In the Olympic Games, the Greeks ran races, jumped, and hurled the biscuits. They also threw the java.
-History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
-Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. Caesar was murdered by the Ides of March because they thought he was going to be made king. Caesar's dying words were "Tee hee, Brutus".
-Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
-Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak. She was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offence.
-The writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses, and also wrote literature.
-Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
-Queen Elizabeth 1st was known as the Virgin Queen. As a queen she was a great success. When she exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah".
-It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
-The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. Shakespeare never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. Shakespeare wrote tragedies, comedies and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
-Miguel Cervantes wrote at the same time as Shakespeare. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton, who wrote Paradise Lost. After his wife died, Milton wrote Paradise Regained.
-During the Renaissance, America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing in the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Fe.
-Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean. This was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
-One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally, the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay taxis. Delegates from the original states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Benjamin Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards. He later declared "A horse divided against itself cannot stand". Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
-The Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution, the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
-Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14th, Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believed the assassinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. The incident ruined Booth's career.
-Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
-Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
-Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions, and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was a very large man.
-Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. This was why he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.
-The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but Josephine was a baroness so she could not have children.
-The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire was in the East and the sun sets in the West.
-Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on the thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Queen Victoria's death was the final event which ended her reign.
-The 19th Century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. In agriculture, Cyrus McCormack invented the McCormack Raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
-Louis Pasteur discovered the cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers.
-The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
A WORLD OF WONDERFUL CAMEL TOE |
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Jack decided to go skiing with his friend, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realise it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed" she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house".
"Don't worry" Jack said "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light". The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from a lawyer. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the solicitors of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend...
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?" "Yes, I do" said Bob.
"Did you, ER, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Well, um, yes!" Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, I have to admit that I did".
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned bright red and he said "Yes, look, I'm sorry mate. I'm afraid I did". "Why do you ask?" "She just died and left me everything!"
ORSM
VIDEO
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organisation. Very Impressive!
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant 'Steve's Place' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired "Why the spoon?" "Well" he explained "the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes.
After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift".
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now". I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter"Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly "After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well" he whispered "I don't know about the others... but I use the spoon".
GIRLS IN GLASSES... SEXY FTW! |
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THE 5 QUESTIONS MOST FEARED BY MEN
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every single one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (ie. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below, along with possible responses.
QUESTION #1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you". This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
A. Football.
B. Golf.
C. How fat you are.
D. How much prettier she is than you
E. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
QUESTION #2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order "Yes, dear". Inappropriate responses include:
A. Oh yeah, shit loads!
B. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
C. That depends on what you mean by love.
D. Does it matter?
E. Who, me?
QUESTION #3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:
A. Compared to what?
B. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
C. A little extra weight looks good on you.
D. I've seen fatter.
E. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
QUESTION #4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:
A. Yes, but you have a better personality
B. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
C. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
D. Define pretty
E. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
QUESTION #5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a BMW car and a Boat").
PARIS DAHL IS ALL THAT AND MORE |
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READER MAIL
Got something Orsm-worthy? Submit it! If your shit is good enough it'll be featured on the main page and then archived for all eternity. On the Orsm hit list are pics of your terrible ex-girlfriend, tasty current girlfriend, jokes, funny videos and pretty much anything else you can staple to an email and send my way. All you must do is click here to make it happen.
John wrote:
Subject: BOSTON STRONG
I'm a Massachusetts resident, lifelong New Englander, and Boston sports fan. This is what happened at the first major sporting event in Boston after the bombings. Please share it as another shot heard 'round the world, and let it be known that we are BOSTON STRONG! Enjoy your site! Thanks. |
Norman wrote:
Subject: Springtime
The weather's getting warmer so I thought I'd get myself a new girlfriend. Dated this woman last night and she gave me a pretty acceptable blowjob. I thought she might be OK, but then I remembered, one swallow doesn't make a summer. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: dinosaur exam
how stupid are religous nuts. This is an actual exam from some kid in americ-uhh.. note the mark given for clearly incorrect answers.
I'm not convinced Islam is the only religion brain washing kids... -Orsm |
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Ken wrote:
Subject: Catfishing in West Texas
Light tackle. Spinner bait. |
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Important notice from SAPS
Please distribute this email to as many as you can, it might save a life.
Fuck me. WTF is wrong with people over there?? -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Demotivational
Gidday Mr ORSM. Long time fan of the site, always amuses me so I thought I'd finally contribute something. Found an interesting pic and made it into a demotivational... love these things. Hope you like it and long may you rein. Hide my details please. |
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Bill wrote:
Subject: TIGER WOODS
Same old story..... different result
Luckily didn't cost him quite as much this time. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Cosplay. Please hold details
Jessica Rabbit yes please. -Orsm
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That Guy wrote:
Subject: Emailing
So erm what gender was the guy ? ? ? ?
Well I'm glad they cleared that up. -Orsm |
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Tel M wrote:
Subject: rolf harris
Can you guess what it is yet :) |
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Sheldon wrote:
Subject: cuba photos
Hello! Love your site! Here are a couple pics from a business trip to Varadero Cuba. Enjoying the ocean and the cohiba's. I even made a cameo at someones beach wedding!!! Cheers! |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Dominos pizza
Was at Domino's Pizza the other day picking up one of those new chef specials when I saw this. Please withhold name |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: 6 wheeler hummer
Don't see this everyday.... |
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Brian wrote:
Subject: masturbation
facts and figures
No way that one about suicide and auto erotic asphyxiation is correct. Wish I was a kangaroo though. -Orsm |
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Stuart wrote:
Subject: Terrible surname
Saw this in the hotel lift on a recent trip to Texas. Apparently Texas is full of Kuntz. Loved the site since 2001
Its not just Texas... -Orsm |
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Bill wrote:
Subject: Bomber #1
Where are the tire marks? His brother ran over him on the getaway... maybe that brushburn on this face and right shoulder indicates a little dragging along the ground, laceration on the left side of the chest has me guessing that it was blunt force trauma due to an explosive device piercing the chestwall and going through the ribs... |
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Grant wrote:
Subject: Emailing
WMD exposed |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
I think I have a possible suspect in mind for one of the Boston Marathon bomber douchbags....(see photos). Looks like the dude from "Summer School" circa 1987... Hide my details, please. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Got to love sluts from Murgon QLD. NO details right? |
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Justin wrote:
Subject: Emailing
20 biggest animals |
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xitz wrote:
Subject: Ever had the urge to eat a whole train?
Here's a 'brown study' for you? Do you like trains? Do you like chocolate? Well, this could be for you! All aboard!! A train made entirely of chocolate has set a new Guinness World Record as the longest chocolate structure in the world. The sculpture, on display at the busy Brussels South station, is 34.05 meters long and weighs over 1250 kilos. Maltese chocolate artist Andrew Farrugia spent over 700 hours constructing the masterpiece. That's an awful lot of chocolate! |
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Brian wrote:
Subject: Lions on Safari
Lions on a camping trip.....(nice Kitty) |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Meanwhile, in Canada... |
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Brian wrote:
Subject: Emailing
From Russia With Love. |
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Tim wrote:
Subject: Emailing
a few old pictures of my other half
That bush! -Orsm |
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Kel wrote:
Subject: Only Italians Are Able To D!o This
Only Italians Are Able To Do This! Seriously, these guys are a m azing!!! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Just a short vid!
Hi Mr Orsm, This is my first time posting anything and I love your site!! Please hide my details, just put Amethyst as the name.
A few close up masturbation vids this week. Let me just say DUDES PAN OUT! Vaqinas by themselves are boring. Let's see what else we're working with. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: KR Masters
girlfriend Masters herself. please hide details
Ha 'master's. -Orsm |
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Jim wrote:
Subject: Emailing
pussy toys. please hide details. Thanks |
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Brett wrote:
Subject: Emailing
How People Will Communicate In The Future. This could actually come true. Enjoy:) [Youtube link here]
Come true? Aren;t we already there? -Orsm |
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Michael wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Applied Physics during a Workshop (Gas & Oil Industry)
No idea how that works but very cool trick. -Orsm |
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Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!
ORSM
VIDEO
One day, an American was touring Spain. After his day's sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied "Ah senior, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's balls from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, when he learned the origin of the dish said "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied "I am so sorry senior. There is only one serving a day since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, He called to the waiter and said "These are very tasty but I notice that they're much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter promptly replied "Si senior! Sometimes the bull wins!"
BAD TITS CANNOT BE UNSEEN |
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Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country. The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane. She read books about how safe it was, and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up.
Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.
"Tell me" she said suspiciously "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?" The actuary looked through his tables and said "A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand".
She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the odds of TWO people having a bomb on the same plane?" Again he went through his tables. "Extremely remote" he said. "About one in a billion".
Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office. And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.
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A suspicious looking man is stopped at border control while driving a motorbike with a bag on the back.
The customs official at the border crossing asks the man to produce his identification, which he does, and it all checks out fine. He then asks "What's in the bag?" The man on the bike replies "Sand". Lo and behold, when the bag is checked, it just contains sand.
Having remembered the odd case of the man on a motorbike with a bag of sand, the guy at customs recognises the same suspicious man coming to the same border crossing twice a month for 6 months, always with a bag of sand, and always with the right identification.
After those 6 months, curiosity gets the better of the customs official, and the next time he sees the man on the bike he stops him for a chat.
"Listen mate" he says. "You've been coming here every 2 weeks for 6 months, always with a bag of sand that checks out. I can never find anything on you, but I'm convinced you are smuggling something across the border. If you tell me how you are getting away with it and I promise I won't arrest you, I'm just curious".
The man gives him a long stare, but eventually says slowly "Are you sure you won't arrest me?" The custom official swears to God that he will not tell a soul, and it's only to stop him wondering about it.
"Fine" the man says. "I HAVE been smuggling something over the border". "What is it?!" cries the customs official. The man replies "Motorcycles!"
VINTAGE PORN |
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Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. "Was the other Indian crazy or what?" The Indian replied "No, it is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.
Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Like the others, he then heard an answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read... NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN
ORSM
VIDEO
Well I am done. The fact I'm able to say that is a minor miracle. Just could not get my shit together this week very happy to be able to write these words... and these last ones...
-Check out the site archives. If you're an archive virgin then prepare for enthrallment.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Same Bat channel. Same Bat time.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will crush you with the full weight of his incredible ego.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't go in dry. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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