Welcome to Dominos. First we start with a classic crust covered with smooth tasty Cheddar, a soft wafer thin crust, delicious creamy cheese, a mound of bacon, another wafer thin crust, lashings of liquid cream cheese, a puddle of oil covered in cheese followed by a tasty layer of pizza crust covered in even more cheese. After that we crumb and deep-fry the base then its time to choose your favourite toppings starting with bacon, mayonnaise, cheese, cream cheese, liquid cheese, cheddar and oil. Then it's just a matter of topping the whole thing off with a generous layer of cheese and you're ready to eat!

How are we all this week? Good? I'd love to say I am fan-fucking-tastic but I've been getting attacked by random headaches which is quite rare for me. Add to that and a distinct inability to get to sleep at night and that about sums up the last week.

Things have actually been nice and quiet with the most exciting thing being the haircut I got on Tuesday night. Why is that exciting you may ask? Mostly because the last time I had one was back in August and even then it was only just a trim. Admittedly I was reluctant at first because the whole long hair thing had really grown on me but having hair as long as it was really amplified the fact I am losing the stuff at a rapid rate. Now that it's been butchered I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I've never been happier.

It's that time of the year again... more fucking car problems! I swear to god my baby hates me and I have absolutely no idea why. Come to think of it, it may be something to do with the fact my much loved transportation has become spiteful and jealous towards me after declaring my intentions to finally upgrade to something less troublesome in a few months after winter has passed.

What was it this time? What wasn't it may be a better question. The last couple of times its been serviced they have told me about a 'minor' oil leak from the engine and up until recently I ignored it because a) I didn't want to blow any more cash on it than I had to and b) there were no oil drops on the driveway where I park the damn thing... until recently. Plus I was starting to smell burnt oil when I was driving - obviously the leak had intensified and was now burning up on the exhaust manifold. There was also the relatively recent problem of an extremely noisy front wheel bearing that has been driving me absolutely insane.

So I drop it in yesterday bright and early Wednesday morning hoping that these 'minor' problems would be sorted by mid-afternoon. I wait patiently all day and then the call comes and as always its bad news. "Umm yeah... we pulled your car apart and we've noticed its leaking from several other places too. It's going to be a much bigger job than we thought so we will have to keep your car over night and start again on it tomorrow". Of course you do. Why am I not surprised? "I guess it's not covered under the extended warranty either is it?" I said. "No." Of course not.

Today comes and after hearing nothing all day I call them an hour before closing to find out what was going. They tell me to head down so I organise a ride and prepare myself for the inevitable disappointing news and of course I get it. Firstly, they haven't been able to replicate the incessant ringing noise which closely resembles that of a train travelling at speed that I described in detail and a check of the front end identified sweet fuck all. Of course even after taking the manager for a lap around the block I couldn't get it to happen again. Of course the next time it started [and didn't stop] was on the way back home. Of course.

As for the leak... thankfully it no longer exists which is a shame because I could have used some of the oil to lube up and make the ass fucking I got on the bill a bit easier.

The new car thing is something that's bugging me. I've been on about it for so god damn long now but as I mentioned above I'm not quite ready to get it happening just yet. That hasn't stopped me from researching though - I refuse to get fucked over on a dud again so I plan on knowing exactly where I stand when the time finally comes. So what kind of wheels am I thinking? Well that's a secret but if someone decides they would just like to just give me AUD$150k then it would definitely be one of these.

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

The Napster Of Porn - Nancy Hall at FreePorn-Resource.com has been fighting for a free adult internet since 1999. As featured on Howard Stern and featured adult resource on the top major search engines. Surfers should never have to pay for porn ever again if they use her free adult comsumer resource.

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Hot Latin Goddess - Prime Suspects - Fucking WRONG! - Chix Dump - RateMyPix - Fiery Arse's - Tasty Ella

Badonkadonk! - Insane Bass - Paris Hilton Flash - Hilarious - Stutter Rap - Bitchy Bitches - Ooops!! - Cool Signs

I will go down on you and make you extremely happy. But only long enough to make you think it is going to get better. Then i will come back up and fuck you like no other!! Sincerely yours, Gas Prices.
--
There were two old men sitting on a park bench passing the day away talking. One asked the other, "How's your wife?" The second old guy replied, "I think she may be dead!" The first man asked, "What do you mean you THINK she's dead?" The second explained, "Well...the sex is the same but the dishes are starting to pile up."

HOW HOT CAN YOU GET? KATERINA HOT... Katerina - Katerina - Katerina - Katerina - Katerina - Katerina - Katerina - Katerina - Katerina Katerina - Katerina - Katerina - Katerina - Katerina - Katerina - Katerina

Three guys at a classy golf course are waiting for their friend to show up in order to complete their foursome. After waiting several minutes and at risk of losing their tee time, the three notice an oddball standing by the clubhouse all by himself, carrying a bag of clubs. The three of them look at each other, shrug their shoulders and figure, "Why not?"

They ask the stranger if he would like to play with them, and with a thick Italian accent, he agrees. While playing on a green, one guy asks, "So, what do you do for a living?" The Italian guy responds, "I'm a hit man." Not believing the guy, they begin to laugh.

"No, I'm not kidding," he replies, "take a look at my sniper rifle here in my bag, it costs $1000 every time I pull the trigger." The three golfers begin admiring the rifle and the huge scope that is on top. The first guy jokingly says, "I bet I can see my house from here with that thing!"

As a friendly gesture, the hit man hands him the gun and says "Here, take a look." The first guy takes the gun and looks toward his house through the scope, just past the next hole.

"Hey!" he yells while looking through the scope, "My wife is naked with the neighbour and they are kissing!" He asks the hit man, "How much for you to pull the trigger?", the hit man replies, "$1000."

The guy then yells, "Okay, I'll give you $2000; I want you to shoot my neighbour in his penis for obvious reasons and I want you to shoot my wife in her mouth for always nagging me!"

With that, the hit man takes his rifle, loads it, and takes aim toward the guy's house. He is sitting there for a long time, just looking through the scope. The guy yells, "What the hell are you waiting for?" The hit man says, "Hold on here, I'm about to save you a thousand dollars!"

ORSM VIDEO

Krystal's Boobs Unleashed

Katie Holmes Naked

Big Brother Hottie

Glock With Drum Mag

NOT GETTING ENOUGH OF THE REAL THING? FLESHLIGHT WILL CHANGE THE WAY YOU GET OFF FOREVER!

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $1,000 bills. Then, there's a knock at the door.

He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one," I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire, but why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me.

RUNNING OF THE BULLS Mad Dash - Mad Dash - Mad Dash - Mad Dash - Mad Dash - Mad Dash - Mad Dash Mad Dash - Mad Dash - Mad Dash - Mad Dash - Mad Dash - Mad Dash

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

READER MAIL
I say it every week but it happens every week - with so much quality mail coming my way you guys make it just about impossible for me to pick which reader mail to post on the main page and my inbox has the stretch marks to prove it!

If you would like to contribute and possibly have your shit featured on Orsmnet then we are always more than happy to receive anything that involves nakedness of your ex or current chick, crazy videos, insane pics or fuck-ass-funny jokes! All you must do is click here and make the magic happen.

Clayton wrote: Subject: big ass bruise Thank freedom for sites like this. This crazy asshole had been drinking whiskey for two days straight and went skiing in harsh, way below freezing conditions in just that vest and pants. April fools day, Breckenridge, Colorado. He tried to do a 540 in the park and didn't make it. He landed his hip, ass, and thigh on the binding of his ski and this is what he had to show for it. What a beauty.

Brad wrote: Subject: fire demons Hey Orsm, I took this photo of a bonfire at a bush doof on saturday night. Scared the crap out of me when I checked the LCD preview! The one on the left has a tail draped over its right shoulder... And for the record there are no alterations to the image. I can actually see it... scary. -Orsm

J.R wrote: Subject: orsm pic Hey Mr Orsm. I found this number plate while on holiday in dunsborough. I though it must be the most unlucky number plate ever. Non personalised aswell. Love J.R

<with held> wrote: Subject: Pics for ORSM Hi Orsm, most awesome site mate. I have some pics of my better half and we thought you might like them. Would be cool to see them on your site if you could. There may be more to come.. Please keep my details private. Thanks mate.

Mark wrote: Subject: Fw: Truck vs Police car Crash At Benalla Apparently the SS had only 26k's on the clock before it was turned into a convertible.... this made the major news state wide ,BUT Alas, the copper wasn't in the crumpledoor! Mass carnage! -Orsm

Traz! wrote: Subject: Hey! Heres some pics of my ex ;) Hey mr orsm great site. iv got some pics of my ex enjoy! Take them all if u want them

TM wrote: Subject: Me & The Missus Hey there, I just love your site. So many things to look at so little time. Here are some pix of the wife & I doing what comes naturally. Keep up the good work.

Kane Dennis wrote: Subject: spanish punani One of my Spanish mates flicked these photos on to me of a friend/dirty slut of his that he has been chatting with on line. Dont know if hes for real or not but the truth is that she is damn hot so what else is there to do but share them with the rest of you dirty dogs out there!

Anthony wrote: Subject: Aerobatics Hey guys check out this world championship aeroplane aerobatics out in Japan, its awesome. Just click on the link, its a pretty big file but well worth it. Don't forget to turn your speakers up!

A man is driving home from work when he sees a car on the side of the road, on its roof, and flames all around. He stops his car and walks over to the wreck. Inside is a beautiful woman in the car who's bleeding to death, so he rushes her to the hospital. Six months she lies in the hospital, and he is with her every day and every night. He donated blood regularly to keep her alive.

Eventually, she recovers fully, and they get married. Life is good for a few years, until one day she gets fed up and decides to leave him. He only loves money, and she knows she is just a trophy wife.

She comes down the stairs, struggling with her two suitcases, reaching into her pocket for the keys to the Jaguar, "I'm leaving you," she says. "Oh really, and how are you going to leave? The keys in your hand are for the Jaguar I paid for. It's my car. You are not taking it anywhere."

"Fine," she says, and ! throws the keys at him. "And those bulging suitcases? The clothes you are wearing? Everything I've paid for. They are my suitcases and my clothes. You're not taking them anywhere."

"Fine," she says, throws the suitcases at him, strips off her clothes and throws them at him, too. "And the blood in your body? I sat with you for six months in the hospital. You know half of the blood is mine. You're not going anywhere."

With that she quickly sticks her hand down the front of her panties, pulls out her tampon, throws it in his face and says... "I'll pay you back in monthly instalments!"

ORSM VIDEO

Polter-Stewie

Evolution Dance

The Art Of Kissing

Incredible Obscenity

Dear Mrs. Johnston, our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras.

MEMO Re: Mr. Mark Johnston - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Mark Johnston has done while his spouse is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's cart's when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, Code 3 in housewares... and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the foetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

RANDOM SHITE Sin, sex and vulgarity make up this weeks RS and I am awfully proud to claim responsibility. Reckon you can handle it? Check it... RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

I'VE BEEN PLUGGING ALL SITE ACCESS FOR SO LONG NOW I THOUGHT IT WAS ABOUT TIME TO BUY A MEMBERSHIP AND CHECK IT OUT FOR MYSELF! WHY THE HELL DID I WAIT SO LONG? THIS IS AWESOME! CLICK HERE & CHECK IT OUT!

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.

She asked Ben what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo choo." She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use "Big People' words."

She then asked little Alex what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT."

SOME PEOPLE HAVE TOO MUCH SPARE TIME Canstruction - Canstruction - Canstruction - Canstruction - Canstruction Canstruction - Canstruction - Canstruction - Canstruction

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke." "Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too." Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

ORSM VIDEO

The Retriever

Kooky Proof Of God

Shark Fucking A Whale

Pain Imminent

Guess what girls and boys? This is the bit where the update comes to an end - the fruition of countless hours of hard work by little old me. Impressed? If you are, and you're a female with big boobs then you should definitely email me naked pics of yourself immediately.

If you're reading this then it's probably safe to say you've scrolled all the way down the page and are possibly even wondering when I will return next. The answer to that question is next Thursday... unless the headache which is currently pounding my brain morphs into some sort of a haemorrhage and kills me. In the mean time feel free to tell the world about this fucking awesome website you found called O-R-S-M-DOT-NET!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and keep it in your pants, son. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Welcome to Orsmnet and welcome to the site that is literally so big people have become lost in and never heard from again. Impressive huh? True story too - honestly I swear.

Well how are we all this week? Good? Me, I'm doing just great. Everything is more or less normal which is a nice change. What have I been doing? As usual I have been a busy boy - the mix of work and social life is still completely skewed but rather that than being bored and unmotivated I guess.

Anyone out there watch the Danny Green versus Anthony Mundine fight on Wednesday night? Being a West Aussie I was obviously hoping Green would kick Mundine's big-mouth, showboater ass all over the ring however it wasn't to be. Twelve rounds of screaming "Come on, Danny! Hit the bastard!" just wasn't enough to see the good guy win.

I've got to admit though I did actually enjoy watching it. Boxing is one sport I have never really gotten in to but with pretty much anyone and everyone I came across in the days leading up talking about who they thought would win it was hard not to get drawn in to the whole thing. I'm definitely looking forward to the rematch.

I'll now spend a few paragraphs crapping on about my week. Prepare yourself.

I woke up Saturday wondering what to do first. There were a million things which needed doing so after some careful consideration I decided to start with the one that was bugging me the most. This turned out to be more carport related shit. Basically one end needed to be clad with plastic sheeting - pretty straight forward and only took me a few hours but success was achieved relatively painlessly.

After that it was in the shower then off to the shops to take care of a Mothers Day present, a forgotten about birthday present [sorry Di!] and to buy some new sunglasses. I was in and out in about 45 minutes with everything except glasses and that was because despite how many tasty, cleavage-exposing chicks frequent the place I end up annoyed with how busy it is... that and snobby little bitches who think they are gods greatest gift to retail just because they sell glasses. "Oh those are $620" she says implying I couldn't possibly afford them. How about from now on every assuming little wench who thinks they are special because they hand people pieces of plastic all day gets to go and fuck themselves? How does that sound?

I got moving Sunday with a spring in my step ready to tackle the ever present garden problem. I figure I will start by mowing the lawn. As soon as I got outside I realised I had destroyed my line trimmer a few weeks ago so the next hour was spent back inside hunting for the receipt as it's only a few months old and still under warranty. Finally found it, went and swapped it and even ended up with the latest model. Sweet.

The next four or five hours [I can't believe it myself] were spent mowing and edging and trimming and blower-vaccing. Thus far the one main thing I have learnt about this long, messy process is I would have been far better off sticking with the lawnmower guy. Unfortunately I'm kind of screwed now because I have pretty much every piece of equipment I need and it will be wasted if I get a guy to start doing it again.

I don't really have too much planned for the coming weekend. I know there is a birthday party for a friend on Saturday night buy beyond that I don't have a clue. I wouldn't mind hitting the dog beach on Sunday for what will most likely be the last time before next summer but that will all depend on how cold it is. Whatever happens I'll just be happy if I can dial in some couch time for a few hours...

Before I get cracking with the update I should point you to the Chopper video page. After countless requests I have added the final two clips [that I know of] so stop fucking asking! Anyway... on with it...

The Napster Of Porn - Nancy Hall at FreePorn-Resource.com has been fighting for a free adult internet since 1999. As featured on Howard Stern and featured adult resource on the top major search engines. Surfers should never have to pay for porn ever again if they use her free adult comsumer resource.

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Jenna Jameson - Addictive Game! - Hilarious Scare - Webcam Babe - Sport Bloopers - Tasty Blonde - Dodgy Menu

String Bikini - Race Biffo - RateMyPix! - Veronika - Fast KO! - Foamy Eats Out - Crazy Bitch - Bugatti Veryon

A man says to his wife get ready, you me and the dog are going fishing today. Wife says I don't want to go fishing Man offers her 3 choices. "One, we go fishing. Two, you give me a blow job or three, you take it up the arse." The wife chooses the blow job and after a couple of minutes of sucking say's "this tastes like shit" to which the man replies "yeah... the dog didn't want to go fishing either."

ONE SERIOUSLY FINE BLONDE Destiny - Destiny - Destiny - Destiny - Destiny - Destiny - Destiny - Destiny - Destiny Destiny - Destiny - Destiny - Destiny - Destiny - Destiny - Destiny

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?" The guy responded, "What do you think!? I'm in hell!" "Hell's not so bad," the demon said.

"We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?" "Sure," the man said, "I love to drink." "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!" The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked. "You better believe it!" "You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer, no biggie You're already dead, remember?" "Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble." "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do." "Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow."

"You into drugs?" The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean..." "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!" "Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realised Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?" "Errr... No..." "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

ORSM VIDEO

Ma & Pa Math

Opinionated Nudity

Rough Justice

Newbie Biker

NOT GETTING ENOUGH OF THE REAL THING? FLESHLIGHT WILL CHANGE THE WAY YOU GET OFF FOREVER!

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. Sometime later, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50." Now she's feeling really good about herself.

She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?" "I promise I won't." she says. "I was behind you in line at McDonalds."

INTO THE SLIPSTREAM Slipstream - Slipstream - Slipstream - Slipstream - Slipstream - Slipstream - Slipstream Slipstream - Slipstream - Slipstream - Slipstream - Slipstream - Slipstream - Slipstream

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

READER MAIL
I really must say that this is probably one of the best Reader Mail's ever. You guys have porned my inbox up to the max and I've been all smiling like a dickhead all week long.

My cries last week to bombard me with whatever you guys had on hand obviously didn't fall on deaf ears either - so much so that the Email Overflow had to be emergency resurrected this afternoon when I realised there was far more cool shit than I could fit on this page. You can find it here.

As for everyone else who has never taken the time to send shit my way then you should be ashamed of yourselves! Lucky for you I'm prepared to forget all about it if you make up for it now and send some email my way. What do we love most? Girlfirends. Ex's. Nudity. Porn. Smut. Sex... or practically anything else you can attach to an email whether it be dead or alive! Click here to make it happen!

Jeremy wrote: Subject: Emma Sexy Dance Mr Orsm... lets just say I'm a long time fan, first time writer, that out of the way, this week i checked out the Emma Sexy Dance video... and yes... it was.... i guess.... the thing that made me laugh to tears though.... was the KID! Thanks for teh orsm site, and keep up the chems mate ;)

<with held> wrote: Subject: dirty bitch hey love your work mate. while a mate of mine and i were going to the shop in Deer Park for smoko the other day a chick got our nunber of the sign writing on the car and started texting us. here are the results Where might one find this 'Deer Park'? -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: Photos Hi, I'm a massive fan of your site & look forward to the updates!! Here are some pics of mine that I'm pretty proud off.... XOXOXO Congratulations on the good boobs! -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: Re: Sub-normal ex-husband. Dear Mr Orsm and friends, It has been brought to my attention that the above cretin has not only somehow acquired an old photo of me, but has plastered it over the net. I know for a fact that he, like me is an avid visitor to your quirky yet funny true to life site and no doubt you will be on his list to post me in order to unleash some diatribe calling me a witch! I am therefore sending you the said photo which by the way in his detached brain he finds sexy. How on earth sewing his sodding socks is sexy, I really don't know, but there you are.

<with held> wrote: Subject: Pic of wife My darling wife reads your site, often in the company of her friends. I wonder whether she'll be able to keep her face straight when she recognises herself ! Better not publish my name so she can pretend to her friends that it's not her. (but it is!!!)

<with held> wrote: Subject: No Name thanks. To enlighten the rest of the worlds readers of this site... This guy made yet another one of his piss poor jokes about the name of an Australian singers deceased father. The justifiably infuriated singer then Challenged him to a charity boxing match. ( Nice idea ) But you guessed it .......... He did a runner. Turns out he even got the name Wrong... What a pussy of a guy.. Quick with the mouth. Slow with the hands. At least if he stepped up and got pounded you could have some respect for him. He would be hiding behind a legal team right now... What a true glass house he lives in.

<with held> wrote: Subject: gf's ass. pics of the gf's rear. no details please. cheers. Very nice. Any of you boys out there got a decent GF who can beat this? Lets see them! -Orsm

Gabo Polanco wrote: Subject: from mexico some pics of my classmates... from mexico.. xcelent lil ho's Umm... wow! Fucking fantabulous!! -Orsm

Shane McKenzie wrote: Subject: Wedding of the year - Coburg Hi ORSM, I'm sure you'll have a chuckle over this one, so Melbourne!!!! FULLY SICK MATE!!!! Steretypes... gotta love em... -Orsm

Todd Quatier wrote: Subject: Beer Video Sorry if I'm the 10,000th person to point this out, but the "Amateur tv commercial" almostanythingforlove.wmv is a parody (rip off?) of this ad. Both excellent clips. -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: BBC Fuck up Hi, Great site. Did you see this one? Some 'guy' goes to the BBC for an interview and is confused for another 'guy' and is walked straight on to BBC news 24 for a live interview. He thinks it is part of his job interview, and you can see him dropping shit in his pants. Stupid woman for not even listening - typical!

kenz wrote: Subject: super hero battle alright buddy. love the site, especially the chopper stuff thats just class. thought you might like to have a look at me and my mate at the irb 7's in singapore. batman vs superman!!!!!!

Ian Shilly wrote: Subject: Orsm video!!! Hi, love the site, thought everyone would appreciate this video thats doin the rounds via bluetooth from the toilets of a bar in Liverpool, UK, called Mood. Unisex toilets in there as well!!! Dirty slut. Hahaha. Enjoy :-) Okay so she may be a slut but at least she is a hot one! -Orsm

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds!" "And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!!"

SUPREME TEEN Brandy - Brandy - Brandy - Brandy - Brandy - Brandy - Brandy - Brandy - Brandy Brandy - Brandy - Brandy - Brandy - Brandy - Brandy - Brandy

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said "Waiter, I'm a little confused, but these are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

RANDOM SHITE I don't know what to say about RS this week - trying to decide what to include was tough work. Do I go for max gross-out or just keep it clean and amusing. All I can tell you is that it's somewhere in between. Check it... RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

I'VE BEEN PLUGGING ALL SITE ACCESS FOR SO LONG NOW I THOUGHT IT WAS ABOUT TIME TO BUY A MEMBERSHIP AND CHECK IT OUT FOR MYSELF! WHY THE HELL DID I WAIT SO LONG? THIS IS AWESOME! CLICK HERE & CHECK IT OUT!

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

SMOKIN' OLDY Tatoo Granny - Tatoo Granny - Tatoo Granny - Tatoo Granny - Tatoo Granny - Tatoo Granny Tatoo Granny - Tatoo Granny - Tatoo Granny - Tatoo Granny - Tatoo Granny

A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared intently at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. So she met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her next question: "Will I be acquitted?"

ORSM VIDEO

Luckiest Retard Ever

Soccer Freak

Sex Line Prank

Pit Bull Attack

As the priest said to the boy - I'm done. Another update done and dusted and not a moment too soon it seems. Turns out that taking Wednesday night out of my working week to go watch the Green/Mundine fight messed my shit up and I honestly thought I wouldn't get everything finished in time. Its days like today I start thinking I should just say 'fuck it' and skip a week. Of course not long after that it occurs to me that the bitchy, snide emails that will inevitably pour in asking where the fuck the update is will outweigh piece of mind I would otherwise have. This, folks, is known as a viscous circle.

Anyway if you are wondering when I will return with a whole new update the answer is next Thursday. If you find yourself unable to keep yourself amused in that time I suggest taking a surf through the Orsmnet site archives. They go back almost six years and it's all fucking free!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't be a stooge all the time. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Welcome to Orsmnet. It was recently reported in the media that amongst the first requests following food and water from the trapped Tasmanian miners was an internet connection so they could check out the latest Orsm update... who could blame them?

I'm feeling more relaxed than last week - a little less stressed and little less manic. It was a long few weeks and if it hadn't of been for the weekend I quite possibly would have gone insane. Whether or not working like a dog to get shit done was all worth it still remains to be seen but I'm just glad everything has returned to normal.

The Sexpo thing I mentioned last week... to cut a long story short I did make it down there for a short while... albeit much against my will. For starters the parking situation around the Convention Centre is an absolutely debacle. After 45 minutes of being stuck in traffic and driving around looking for a spot that wasn't on the other side of the city I finally found one and headed in. I'm generally an impatient asshole when I have to do something I don't want to so by this point I just wanted to leave. Unfortunately I had shit to do there.

Anyway, upon walking through the entrance pretty much all you see is tonnes of stalls selling lingerie, sex toys and condoms and that's about it. There was a big stage thing in the centre where they apparently have strippers doing shows but it was deserted while I was there. Basically I did what I had to and left but for the most part it was a gigantic waste of time.

So what did I get up to on the weekend? SWEET FUCK ALL!! After a mini sleep-in on Saturday I decided my time would be best spent pottering aimlessly around the house all morning. After that it was time to do some DVD shopping - I settled on 'Crash' and I can say it was an awesome movie. If you haven't seen it then I highly recommend it.

After that I headed to some friends house and watched the AFL Western Derby over a couple of beers. Despite the fact my team lost it was pretty much an ideal Saturday.

Sunday was mostly more of the same except for a few hours working in the morning. Beyond that it was a slack day. There were a few times it occurred to me that maybe I should get up and do some stuff around the house or wash the car or whatever but it wasn't too long before reality kicked back in and I realised it wasn't going to happen. All up a good battery recharging weekend.

This week has been kind of interesting too. For the first time in almost a year I have people living in the same house as me. I have my sister and her boyfriend occupying the spare room for the next few weeks.

To be completely honest, I thought that after having it so good for so long sharing a house again would piss me off and mess up my rhythm but I have actually quite enjoyed it. Sure it's only been a few days but thus far it really hasn't been a drama.

On to this weekend... as far as I know the social calendar is nice and empty and despite the fact Mothers Day is on Sunday I don't think there is anything planned... at least not yet anyway. No doubt that will change on the day but I'm not opposed to doing the family thing for a few hours.

Owing to the fact I haven't had time to do much around the house for the last few weeks the list of chores has become so big it's decided to find an agent and go pro... I've got about then thousand things to do which as usual includes the standard lawn mowing, weeding and gardening. This of course is all thanks to the fact the cold, wet weather [also known as late autumn/winter] hasn't kicked in yet and we're still copping heaps of sun every day. Enough dribbling... on with the update...

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

The Napster Of Porn - Nancy Hall at FreePorn-Resource.com has been fighting for a free adult internet since 1999. As featured on Howard Stern and featured adult resource on the top major search engines. Surfers should never have to pay for porn ever again if they use her free adult comsumer resource.

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Perfect Jiggly Boobs - Jessica Alba Bikini - Bow Man - Sexy Babushka - Shane Warne Pics - The Beast - Sex-Ed

Classic Prank - Topless Poker - Stick Fighter - Those Crazy Japs - RateMyPix! - Free Kick Challenge - Deer Decoy

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we are in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No." She answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" "Yes." She replied. Then I said, "I'd like to phone a friend." That's the last thing I remember.
--
An AFL umpire has been hit by a fire truck in Launceston. Apparently he didn't hear the siren.
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What's the difference between a priest and a Beaconsfield mine manager? One gets miners stuck in a shaft. The others get his shaft stuck in a minor.

JUST LEZZIN' OUT Anna & Kat - Anna & Kat - Anna & Kat - Anna & Kat - Anna & Kat - Anna & Kat - Anna & Kat Anna & Kat - Anna & Kat - Anna & Kat - Anna & Kat - Anna & Kat - Anna & Kat - Anna & Kat

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realising that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled 'WHAT?'"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

ORSM VIDEO

Barge Arse

Sam Newman: Fuckwit

Crazy Hateful Bitch

German Big Brother Porn

NOT GETTING ENOUGH OF THE REAL THING? FLESHLIGHT WILL CHANGE THE WAY YOU GET OFF FOREVER!

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

"Look, it's not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, and as fate would have it, with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... two days... and then three days. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said... "Okay, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"

Winter Wonder - Winter Wonder - Winter Wonder - Winter Wonder - Winter Wonder Winter Wonder - Winter Wonder - Winter Wonder - Winter Wonder - Winter Wonder Winter Wonder - Winter Wonder - Winter Wonder - Winter Wonder - Winter Wonder

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READER MAIL
For some reason you guys were a bit quieter on the email front this week. Did I do something to upset you all? Come on - there's no need to be like that! Don't cry about it.

That said there was still plenty of good stuff to keep me amused and you will find it below. If you would like to contribute and have your dastardly deeds posted on Orsmnet then we're always happy to receive any sorts of vids, naked pics of a tasty ex, jokes or pretty much anything else you can fit in an email! All you must do is click here and send, send, send!

Del wrote: Subject: Canadian pic This is pretty much a normal sight here in Canada. haha... keep my details private but sign me as "Del" tnx Irrefutable evidence that there really is gold at the end of every rainbow. -Orsm

Thaine wrote: Subject: a follow up on that ass Hey O. heres anutha pic of that ass we gotta love :) I asked for more last week and I got it... oh how I love my job. -Orsm

ejh wrote: Subject: Bikeweek in Daytona Love your site. This was taken during Bike Week in Daytona, Fl. She was just kicked out of a bar (the bouncer's hand is on the right) I asked her what she did to get kicked out, so she showed me. I asked her to marry me but she wouldn't do it.

Jason LaRev wrote: Subject: what happens when u fall asleep on spring break Whats going on, heres a few pics of my friend steve O when he fell asleep one night on spring break, kinda funny i guess. u should throw these up on the site. HOLLA!

sam franzway wrote: Subject: Dog For Sale - check out the size of this sucker Dog For Sale: Answers to the name of Dolly. FREE to approved home, will eat anything, excellent guard dog. Loves other small-dog breeds. Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more kids, thieves, murderers, rapists or molesters left in the neighbourhood. Your help will be appreciated....

GILBERT ROUNDS wrote: Subject: Now that's an Easter Bunny!! was this done with photo shop? He weighs in at 22 pounds and measures a little over 3 feet. He is a breed of rabbit called German Giant (how appropriate!). This is his owner, Hans Wagner, struggling to hold him up.

Sam Loughran wrote: Subject: Dirty Pick UP Here is a pic of a girl my flat mate roots whenever things are going bad for him, i hope things never go this bad for me .... Same. -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: A Strange Item From Japan Hey Mr. Orsm. Been Reading you site since it began, and I have to stay I love every bit of it. Every Thursday sees me coming back to check out your updates. I am an Aussie living in Japan, and here is a strange item that can be found in the snacks sections of most supermarkets here, for the tidy price of 100yen (AU$1). The name, the colour and the physical makeup of this product just spell disaster in my book! I saw it, and instantly thought of reader mail - so out came the trusty mobile-phone camera. Thanks champ, keep up your good work!!

Benno wrote: Subject: Dacked!! Attached is some CCTV footage of a drunk customer who got dacked out the front of a Caltex store in Freo. Apparently he then crossed the highway with his pants down around his ankles, ha ha ha!! Enjoy Mr. Orsm. P.S. If your'e wondering how I got this footage, don't ask its a long story but it all started with a hi-five...

<with held> wrote: Subject: Amateur tv commercial Dear orms, I've only been a fan of your site for 6 months or so but you are doing a great job of keeping us entertained. The file I have sent you was produced for a contest for a beer company here in Calgary, Alberta Canada. It won 2nd prize the other night. Just thought that your readers might enjoy it.

Rabbit wrote: Subject: Cyclone Monica Hey man been a fan for fucking ages, love your work You are God who walks among men. pictures of cyclone Monica's devastation on Darwin. Cheers mate This file requires PowerPoint to view. Click here for the free viewer if you don't have it installed. -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: Emma Hi there, Thought you might enjoy this clip for the orsm site, basically is a girl called Emma from Great Harwood, Lancashire doing a little dance routine in her bedroom. The viedo image is currently making its way to everyone's mobile phone in the area. Enjoy!!!!!

A gay couple is driving along one afternoon, and while stopped at a stop sign, they are rear ended by a big semi. Furious, the guy in the passenger seat throws his purse on the seat, gets out of the car, goes back to the truck and starts banging on the door.

The truck driver opens the door and the gay guy, standing there with his hands on his hips, says, "I'm gonna sue your ass, Buddy!" The truck driver, being a truck driver, laughs and says, "Suck my dick!"

The gay guy stands there for a second, then his eyes get real big and his face just lights up. He runs back to the car, and says excitedly to his lover, "You won't believe it, he wants to settle out of court!"

ORSM VIDEO

Bedroom Acrobatics

Hot Pole Dancer

Mechanical Pussy Licker

Dum Blonde

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

Man: "Hello"
Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
Man: "Yes"
Woman: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it?”
Man: "A grand, sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models, I saw one I really liked."
Man: "How much?"
Woman: $90,000."
Man: "Okay but for $90,000, I want it with all the options."
Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing... the house I wanted last year is back on the market - they're asking $950,000."
Man: 'Well, go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. I not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is clearly a pretty good price."
Woman: "Okay I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
Man: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape... He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

RANDOM SHITE I think half the fun of this section is that you can look at a pic and wonder why the hell I included it. Half the time I don't even know! Check it... RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

I'VE BEEN PLUGGING ALL SITE ACCESS FOR SO LONG NOW I THOUGHT IT WAS ABOUT TIME TO BUY A MEMBERSHIP AND CHECK IT OUT FOR MYSELF! WHY THE HELL DID I WAIT SO LONG? THIS IS AWESOME! CLICK HERE & CHECK IT OUT!

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say, I would like it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then, looking over his glasses, he casually asked, "Is that one word or two words?"

Kelle Maree - Kelle Maree - Kelle Maree - Kelle Maree - Kelle Maree Kelle Maree - Kelle Maree - Kelle Maree - Kelle Maree - Kelle Maree - Kelle Maree Kelle Maree - Kelle Maree - Kelle Maree - Kelle Maree - Kelle Maree

A man takes a day off from work and decides to go out golfing. He's on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron". The man looks round and doesn't see anyone so he tries again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 Iron. Boom! He hits a birdie. He's shocked!

He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing! You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 Wood," was the reply. The guy takes out a 3 Wood and boom! A hole in one! The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life, and asks the frog, "OK, where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, Black 6."

Now, it's a million-to-one shot that this will win, but after the golf game, the man figures, "What the heck?" Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sets the frog down and says, "Gee, Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit. Kiss me." He figures, "Why not?" After all it did for him, the frog deserves it. In a flash, the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world.

"And that, Your Honor, is how that girl ended up in my room."

THE DANGER OF GETTING BLIND DRUNK AND EATING CURRY... Laxative Effect - Laxative Effect - Laxative Effect - Laxative Effect - Laxative Effect - Laxative Effect Laxative Effect - Laxative Effect - Laxative Effect - Laxative Effect - Laxative Effect - Laxative Effect

The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was told by his boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack. His choice was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support.

That night, the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his employees he would lay off.

Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the one. Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two employees to arrive. At 8:55 Mary walks into the office. "I've got a difficult decision" the VP says, "I either have to lay you or Jack off."

"You'll have to jack-off," Mary says, "I've got a headache."

ORSM VIDEO

Bill Bailey

All Fall Down

Training

Look At Raoul

Game over man... game over! Yes I hate to do it to you guys but I am done for another week. All the heart and soul I could muster went in to producing this bad boy. Many Bothans died.

In case you were wondering, I will return with a big, bad-ass, brand-spankin' new update next Thursday. In the mean time you can do your part by spreading the word about this absolutely fucking fantastic website you found called WWW-ORSM-DOT-NET!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't get trapped in a mine for two weeks. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Welcome to Orsmnet. Game on.

Before I get started I would just like to say that when I find out who called me at 6.30am this morning, interrupting the only good nights sleep I have had in weeks, I am going to make you pay...

If you think all the way back to last Thursdays update you will quite possibly remember me crapping on about how all I had been doing was sitting in front of the computer working my ass off. Sadly, little has changed. It's at the point where I'm actually starting to miss my friends and family... despite the standard "how come it only ever seems to be ME who calls YOU?" line that closely follows the sarcastic "hi, remember me?". Maybe I don't miss them that much after all...

The good news is that after this weekend shit should start to settle down a bit. If it doesn't, well fuck it because I'll no doubt end up suffering through a big 'burnt-out' phase in the next few months.

Speaking of this weekend... its Sexpo time again. What the hell is Sexpo? According to their website "Sexpo is a four day public event looking at all aspects of health, sexuality, and adult lifestyles...". To be honest I'm quite unenthused about the whole thing and only going because I have to for work [and I get a free pass]. Apparently there's all sorts of weird and wonderful shit that goes on so I'll be sure to take the digicam and post the results next week.

A few months ago we installed some new stats software on the Orsmnet servers. Basically we can see all kinds of cool shit like what sites have linked to us, how many people hit the site and what are the most popular files and pages. All very interesting. Okay so to the average Joe it probably sounds pedantic wanting or needing to know all that stuff but ask almost any webmaster and they will be able, at very least, to tell you how many hits their site has done in the last day, the last week as well as records for the same things.

The stats I love the most are for the vids which get posted week to week on Orsmnet. In April alone you guys managed to chow down over 2 million files! What that equates to in bandwidth I will leave for another day suffice to say it's a frickin' shit load.

Somewhat surprisingly, most popular was the Rock Bitch video which contained a rather explicit 'live on stage fisting' of some chick by the bands female lead singer. It didn't do much for me but you guys seemed to love it to the tune of over 160,000 times. Crazy.

Next up was probably my favourite of the month - Worst Porn Ever. This gem featured an older, very unattractive [I think] Indian man having his way with a girl that just wasn't into it. Disturbing and yet still downloaded upward of 120,000 times.

The third most popular was definitely something you don't see everyday. A bunch of Japanese girls trying to see how many of themselves they could squeeze into a phone box... naked. God knows we've all wanted to do this at some point in our lives [squeezed into a box with naked women I mean] and downloads of this clip nudged 95,000.

The annoying thing about this is that on a few occasions throughout the month we had server problems. Turns out that with the ever increasing obliteration they endure around update time everything maxes out and videos stop working. In other words the numbers could have been better. Anyway enough dribbling... on with the update...

The Napster Of Porn - Nancy Hall at FreePorn-Resource.com has been fighting for a free adult internet since 1999. As featured on Howard Stern and featured adult resource on the top major search engines. Surfers should never have to pay for porn ever again if they use her free adult comsumer resource.

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Boobie Suck - Boobie Grab - Prime Suspects - Fucking Tapped - RateMyPix! - Fat Song - Magic Ceiling - Sky-Chopper

Dance Naked - Carmen Electra - Smart Birds - Nubile Evalynn - Auto-Door - Stairway To Heaven - Freestyle Bikin'

Two IT guys were chatting in a bar after work. "Guess what, mate," says the first IT guy, "yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde girl in a bar." "What did you do?" says the other IT guy. "Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off." "You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy. "I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop." "Really? You got a new laptop?"

SHE COULD TURN A GAY MAN STRAIGHT... Renata - Renata - Renata - Renata - Renata - Renata - Renata - Renata - Renata Renata - Renata - Renata - Renata - Renata - Renata - Renata

A Greek parks his brand new BMW in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car a truck comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off.

More than a little distraught, the Greek grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the Greek starts screaming hysterically "My BMW, my beautiful black BMW is ruined! No matter how long at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"

After the Greek finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust: "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Greeks are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life." "How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the Greek.

The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you?" The Greek looks down in absolute horror: "Fucking HELL!!!!!! He screams... "Where's my fucking Rolex????"

ORSM VIDEO

Chasers Do It Again

Big Package [Hilarious]

High Speed Roll Over

Animalia

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Ralph arrived at his Internal Revenue Service audit accompanied by his attorney. Going over his records, the IRS official said, "Well, sir, it appears that you live at a much higher level than your reported employment income. How do you explain that?" Ralph replied, "I love to gamble and I usually win."

The sceptical official gave him a disbelieving look. "I can prove it," said Ralph. "How about a demonstration?" The official thought a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead." Ralph said, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thought a moment and said, "No way! It's a bet!" Ralph removed his glass eye and bit it. The official's jaw dropped. Ralph said, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The official could tell Ralph wasn't blind, so he took the bet. Ralph then removed his dentures and bit his good eye. The stunned official was now three grand in the hole!

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asked. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on your desk and piss into that waste basket by the door over there and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but there's no way this guy could manage that stunt, so he agreed again!

Ralph climbed up on the auditor's desk, missed the wastebasket completely, and pretty much peed all over the desk. The official grinned.

He had just turned a huge loss into a huge win! But then he noticed that Ralph's attorney looked ashen and was visibly shaken. "Are you okay?" he asked. The man replied, "Not really. Before we arrived, Ralph bet me twenty thousand dollars he'd piss on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

AUSSIE MUSCLE Holden SST - Holden SST - Holden SST - Holden SST - Holden SST - Holden SST

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbours feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had the bastard buried upside down..."

Flintstones House - Flintstones House - Flintstones House - Flintstones House Flintstones House - Flintstones House - Flintstones House Flintstones House - Flintstones House - Flintstones House - Flintstones House

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READER MAIL
As I continue to try and clear the logjam burdening my inbox from the last few weeks, the Reader Mail section is again on the chubby side. With so much cool shit coming my way I would be doing you guys a huge disservice by not posting it. The best part is I still have a tonne of stuff lying around yet to come.

That said you should all feel free to keep bombarding me with pretty much anything you like. Pics, vids, jokes, stories - anything you can attach to an email and send my way is all good. To do so all you gotta do is click here and make the magic happen.

Anthony Gatt wrote: Subject: Tasmaina Mining Disaster First photo of the trapped miners Took me a minute to work this one out... -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: Work Retaleation One of my friends wrote the word FAG on my locker at work... so this is how I got him back, it was up for 2 days straight... so everyone saw it... it was FUCKING GREAT!! That's just wrong. Brolliant but wrong. -Orsm

Thaine wrote: Subject: Re: pic Pic of a girl jst outa school spent a few good days with. her ass is well ya. amazing and she said shed like every1 to c it.. so orsm was a good place to post. Great ass. I think everyone would like to see more too! -Orsm

mag oo wrote: Subject: Pics Hey ORSM. Some pics from when I went to Amsterdam, Prague and Brussels last year. Cheers Sometimes they just make it a little too easy... -Orsm

Marc wrote: Subject: Mining pics Mining is a dangerious industry. here are some pics you may be interested in. A few million $ damage at Coppabella Coal Mine in Central Qld.

John wrote: Subject: a real burn out! Hey O', Was boating around Moreton Island (east coast) at Easter when we saw a little smoke coming of the beach so we though we'd take a quick look - 'was an otherwise perfect day. Just thought the effect on the paint was pretty cool.

Andrew wrote: Subject: Urgent! Dear Awesome Dude, You have inspired me! ...one of your pictures last week was truly inspirational. We, in the UK, have a FAR greater problem with freeloading bastards invading our shores then you do (I think), so the "We're Full" approach appealed to me. Here are four that I created...

<with held> wrote: Subject: pics of a friend part 2 Hey! Back in December I sent in some pics of a friend. Here are some more, although these are nowhere near as graphic, they are a bit more teasy instead. I hope you like them enough to post. No details please, and as always...keep up the great work.

West Locals wrote: Subject: Perth Local Hey there Mr.Orsm big fan of your sight yaddayadda yadda.. but really, well done, i think this is a humour haven for alot of people. anyway, im a Perth grown fellow and i have a video me and my mates made filmd around Perth. it is from my website westlocals.com and alot more videos like this can be found there. thanks for your time - westlocals"

You-do-it Sales wrote: Subject: The Pig You Never know what you might see at America's Unique Electronic Store, "You-do-it" Electronics Center. ZOMG! A Piggy Van! I seriously want one...!! -Orsm

casey wrote: Subject: random chick Hi there, this is some footage of some chick that me and 3 of my mates picked up out the front of a local pool hall in narre warren in victoria, she was waiting out the front by herself sitting in the gutter, she accepted the challenge to take all 4 of us on the same time, in her bedroom.

<with held> wrote: Subject: SU-27 Air show Hi Orsm, Just got sent this and thought you would appreciate. No idea when it was, or where it was (sounds russian?) but great footage! Sorry if you have seen it, or if it is really old, just thought it you might like to post it.

A blonde went to a helicopter flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the choppers were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly.

The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away.

He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said: "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."

Bodypainted - Bodypainted - Bodypainted - Bodypainted - Bodypainted Bodypainted - Bodypainted - Bodypainted - Bodypainted - Bodypainted - Bodypainted Bodypainted - Bodypainted - Bodypainted - Bodypainted - Bodypainted

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America. He bragged he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He also bragged he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and housework. He said there was nothing done the first day, a lot more on the second day, but by the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The third man had married an Australian girl. He bragged he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and housework too. He said on the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a landscaper.

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A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?"

"Are you nuts?!!" she replies and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again. "Listen, you! I'm not that kind of woman! Got it???!!!"

So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmm. $10,000 dollars, eh? Okay, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most beautiful, perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them he grabs them, starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them... but not biting them.

The woman finally gets very annoyed and asks, "Hey!!! Are you gonna bite them or not!!?" "Nah", he replies. "Costs too much!"

THEY SOME BIG TITTIES... Nikola - Nikola - Nikola - Nikola - Nikola - Nikola - Nikola - Nikola - Nikola Nikola - Nikola - Nikola - Nikola - Nikola - Nikola - Nikola

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family where invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie." Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful - the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision." "That's great", said Little Johnnie, "cos he'd be fucked if he needed glasses ..."

ORSM VIDEO

Ugly Baby

Cheeky Monkey

Awesome Stack

New Invention For Women

Well kids that's me done. The time to declare this update finished has arrived and I'm pretty damn happy about that. Hopefully you've managed to waste maximum time here instead of doing whatever else it is that you're supposed to be!

In case you were wondering, I will be returning next Thursday with the sole aim of cranking out a bigger and better update than this one... that is of course if you thought this wasn't too shabby to begin with. In the mean time all I ask is that you dedicate your time, energy and perhaps even life savings to telling the world about ORSM-DOT-NET!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stay don't play in mine shafts. Enjoy. Mr Orsm.