Welcome to people danced in the streets and hugged one another. There were fireworks.
I'm honestly so fucking tired that it's some sort of low-level miracle the update has actually happened. Admittedly you could say that for a lot of things. I'm not going to write a list or anything... just take my word for it that you could. Yeah? Good. In other news, there isn't much other news... which is probably a good thing. And it does make me wonder if my brain tiredness is a factor in there being no news. As in, there is but I can't think of anything significant that's happened/happening right now. And with that accumulation of words, we shall dive into this deliciously brand-new update. Check it...
I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.
--
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. Frustrated with her irrationality, he finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch. The next day the wife, feeling bad about what happened, decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest. "How much is it?" she asked. "$150" he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so. "But it comes with an inscription" he said. "What kind of inscription?" she asked. "Whatever you wish" he explained "but one of the old golfers favourites is: NEVER UP, NEVER IN". "Oh, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place!"
--
A man walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist "I have a date this weekend with two smoking hot models. I want to be able to stay hard the whole time I'm with them. I'm looking for something stronger than Viagra!" The pharmacist says "Well, I do have this new experimental drug. It works instantly and is guaranteed for three days without side effects. I have to warn you though, it's only been tested in the lab and I need you to sign a waiver". The man says "That sounds perfect!" He signs the waiver and takes the drug. Monday morning comes and the same man waddles into the pharmacy with his pants down to his ankles. His penis is bright red and looks like chopped meat. He asks the pharmacist if he has any pain relief cream. The pharmacist motions to the man's penis and asks "Is it for... that?" The man says "No. The girls cancelled on me at the last minute and now my shoulders are killing me".
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I had a friend over to my house and he told me he could hear my garbage can chattering away. He asked me if I knew what it was saying? I told him I did not know, as I never listen to trash-talk.
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On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Mary goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning". Horrified, Mary tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong". She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
--
A man is dying. He lies in his bed with his wife next to him. He says to her: "You remember when I lost my job some years ago?" "Yes". "You were by my side". "Yes". "And when our son died in a car crash?" "Yes". "You were by my side". "Yes". "And now I'm dying of cancer you're still by my side". "Yes". "You know what?" "No". "I think you bring me bad luck".
--
A drunk was zigzagging his way through the streets at 4 AM. Two policemen in a car decided to approach him. One cop asked "Where are you going at this time of night?" "I'm going to a lecture". "A lecture?! At this time of night? What about?!" "About the effects of alcohol and drugs on the human body. The damages caused by living a reckless life. The degradation that free love and sex bring to a marriage. The negative impacts of all this on the central and peripheral nervous system. The dangers of a live without God in your heart..." One of the policemen stops him: "Okay, okay, we get it. But who's giving such a lecture at this time of night?!" "My wife, as soon as I get home!"
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My friend's been ill in bed for the past couple of weeks, so I went round today and took some DVDs and a bottle of wine. Fingers crossed he won't notice they're gone.
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Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are discussing Jock's wedding. "Ach it's all going well, I've got everything organised, I've even bought a kilt to be married in". Archie says "That's braw, what's the tartan?" Jock says "I'd imagine she'll be in white"
--
A man and a woman go to a restaurant for their third date. The restaurant has a nice feeling to it and the food looks absolutely delicious. A waiter comes and asks "Does the nice couple want anything to drink?" The woman says "I'll have a water". And the man does too. "That will be $3 for a glass half empty and $6 for a glass half full" says the waiter. The man is absolutely baffled by the price "You make us pay THAT MUCH a glass of water?!" The woman says to the man: "Babe, look at it from the positive side!" The man just wasted 6 dollars.
During WWII a badly injured British pilot has to bail out over occupied France. He's found, in very bad shape, and transferred to the medical wing of a German prisoner of war camp. After a week, the doctors tell him that the infection in his left leg means they're going to have to amputate. "Okay" says the airman. "Just, if you would, do me one favour. Drop the leg over my airbase in England". The Germans think this is an odd request, but they can't see anything particularly wrong with it so they agree. The following week, the infection has spread to his right leg and they decide they have to amputate that too. The airman makes the same request for the amputated limb to be dropped over his base and they agree. By the third week, the infection has spread to the unlucky airman's left arm, and they announce they have to take it off too. The man again asks the Germans to drop it over his base but, this time, they refuse. "Nien, zis ve cannot do". "Why?" asks the airman, confused. "Ve zink you are trying to escape!"
--
I asked 100 women what shampoo they would prefer to use while taking a shower. They all replied "How did you get in here?"
--
A travelling salesman knocks on a house door and a 9-year-old boy with a glass of brandy in one hand and a fat cigar in the other answers. "Hello little boy, are your mum and dad in?" asks the salesman. "What the fuck do you think?" replied the boy.
The priest see's this and brings the boy inside to treat him. The boy having a concussion stays the night in the church.
In the middle of the night, he hears a blood curling scream. The next morning, he asks the priest what the sound was and says "I am sorry my child I cannot tell you for you are not a priest".
A few years later the same child now a teenager is skateboarding by the same church. He crashes and has another concussion. The same priest brings him in and has him spend the night. In the middle of the night, he hears the same blood curling scream.
The next morning he asks the priest what the sound was and says "I am sorry my child I cannot tell you for you are not a priest".
A few more years go by and the child now in college is driving by the same church when he crashes his car. Again, he has a concussion. Again, the priest brings him into the church and has him spend the night. Again, in the middle of the night he hears a blood curling scream.
The next morning, he asks the priest what the sound was and says "I am sorry my child I cannot tell you for you are not a priest".
After this the young man is upset and needs to know what the sound is. So he quits college and goes on to become a priest.
He then returns to the church he approaches the priest and says "Father, I have taken my oath and I am one with the church can you please tell me what that blood curling scream is?"
The priest reaches into his robes and pulls out a red key. He tells the young man to go to basement and unlock the door.
So, he goes there, unlocks the red door and sees a red hallway, goes down it to see a red staircase and at the bottom is a blue door. So, he goes back up the red stairs, the red hallway to the priest and says "Father, there is a blue door".
The priest gives him a blue key.
The young man goes back down the red hallway, down the red stairs to the blue door, he opens it and sees a blue hallway. He goes down the blue hallway, he sees blue stairs down them, he sees a green door.
So, he goes back up the blue stairs, down the blue hallway, up the red stairs, down the red hallway. He tells the priest "Father, there is a green door.
So, the priest pulls out a green key.
The young man goes back down the red hallway, down the red stairs, down the blue hallway, down the blue stairs and opens the green door. He sees a gold hallway and goes down it and he sees a gold staircase and goes down it, he sees a gold door. So he goes back up the gold stairs, down the gold hallway, up the green stairs, down the green hallway, up the blue stairs, down the blue hallway, up the red stairs, down the red hallway and back to the priest.
He says "Father, there is a gold door".
The priest pulls out a gold key and hands it to the young man.
Before he leaves this time, he asks "Father, are there anymore doors after the gold one?" The priest Replies "No my son, once through that door you will have the answer to your question".
So, for the last time the young man goes down to the basement, through the red door, down the red hallway, down the red stairs, through the blue door, down the blue hallway, down the blue stairs, through the green door, down the green hallway, down the green stairs, through the green door, down the gold hallway, down the gold stairs, and finally to the gold door.
He puts the key in, turns it, pushes the door open, and you know what he sees...?
A man is sleeping next to his wife, when he hears a loud knock on his door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3 AM!
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time" he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realise the man was drunk.
"Hi there" slurs the stranger "can you give me a push?" "No, get lost! It's 3 AM. I was in bed asleep!" says the man before slamming the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost!?"
"But the guy was drunk!" says the husband. "It doesn't matter" says the wife "he needs our help and it's the Christian thing to help him!"
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts "Hey, do you still want a push?" He hears a voice cry out "Yeah please".
Still being unable to see the stranger he shouts "Where are you?" And the stranger replies "Over here... on the swing".
The friar puts a sign outside that said 'BELL RINGER WANTED - TRYOUTS SATURDAY MORNING'.
Saturday morning rolls around and there were three people lined up out front of the church waiting to try to ring the bell.
A tall, muscular man, a skinnier, frail man and an average sized man.
The friar took them all up one at a time and handed them the hammer to hit the church bells with.
The muscular man grabbed the hammer in one hand, slammed it into the bell, and nearly shattered both with the force behind the swing.
The friar said that they'll have to keep looking.
The frail man could barely pick up the hammer. He swung it pitifully and managed to *ting* the bell.
The friar just shook his head and chuckled, thanking the man for coming.
The average sized man refused the hammer.
Before the friar could question it, the man reared his head back and slammed it into the bell, producing a ring of such pure tone and quality it brought a tear to the friar's eye. While he was wiping the tear from his face, the man, stumbling from the impact of skull to bell, accidentally tripped and fell off the bell tower to his death.
Well, the townsfolk had heard the beautiful bell, and a small crowd had gathered beneath the bell tower around the man's body.
Collectively, they said "Who is he, Friar? What happened?"
The friar shook his head sadly and said "I don't know, but his face rings a bell".
BUT... it isn't over because they still needed a bell ringer!
So the next morning, when the friar opened the doors in the morning, a man approached him and said "Friar, you don't know me, but the man who died yesterday was my brother. I'd be honoured if you'd let me ring the bell today in his honour".
The friar nodded and led the man up the bell tower, handing him the hammer.
With a nightly swing, the man slammed the bell, producing again a high-quality ringing tone.
Unfortunately though, he slipped while off balance and fell off the bell tower too and died.
Again, people were gathered around and they all asked as one "Who is he, Friar? What happened?"
The friar looked at them all in turn and said "I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for his brother".
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He'd just moved to the neighbourhood and was enjoying retirement after years of working for the U.S. Forest Service. He was sitting in his favourite easy chair, reading a particularly engaging book, when the doorbell rang.
Smokey sighed, set the book face down (his sister was always so mad at him for doing this as it ruined the spine, but seeing as this was essentially the latest in a series of airport bestsellers, he didn't feel like he was damaging anything particularly worth saving (though he had to admit it was pretty compelling, if a bit tawdry) and got up to answer the door.
When he opened it, there was a ram standing there, with a stack of fliers in his arms.
"Hello sir or madam would you like a.... OH! It's you! You're Smokey! I love your work!"
"That's quite alright, thank you" Smokey said "Now what can I do for you, young man?"
"Oh gosh, I'm so flustered" said the ram. "I never expected to see a celebrity on my first day!" "First day of...?" said Smokey. "Oh! Sorry, yes!" the ram stammered. "My sister and I just opened a new flower shop down the street and I was just handing out these brochures and it would just mean the world to us both if you would take one!"
Smokey looked down at the coupon in the ram's hand, then back up to his face.
"Sorry, kid. I'm not going to take this".
The poor ram was shocked "You're... not?"
"Now, if your sister was here, I'd accept it from her, but not from you".
"Wh... but... I don't understand...? Why my sister?"
Smokey got a serious expression on his face and looked the ram dead in the eye.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barrack Obama meets a man with a beard.
"Are you Mohammed?" he asks. "No, my son, I am St. Peter; Mohammed is higher up".
Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again "Are you Mohammed?" "Why, no" he answers "I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still".
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again, he discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Jesus, the Christ... you will find Mohammed higher up".
"Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man, oh man!" Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs ever higher.
Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly magnificent looking man with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question: "Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing. "No, my son... I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega, but you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?" Obama says "Yes please"! As God looks behind him, he claps his hands and says "Hey Mohammed, two coffees!"
Many years ago on a long Trans-Continental flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit. When she got up there, she found four crew.
She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the navigator and his responsibilities were to keep the aircraft on its track across the earth.
She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the flight engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any aircraft or engine system problems to keep the aircraft operating smoothly.
She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the Captain he was responsible for everything in the aircraft and to fly and direct everyone in it.
She turned to the First Officer and asked "Well young man, what is your job?" He replied "Ma'am, I am the captain's sexual advisor".
Somewhat shocked, she said "I beg your pardon young man, but what do you mean by that?" "Very simple ma'am. The captain has told me on a number of occasions that when he wants my fucking advice, he'll ask me".
Well, if you're wondering how we got here then I have no answer. Might I suggest the Orsm Archives though?
-Follow me on Facebook. *NOW* would be a good time to do that.
-Check out the archives. Also *NOW* would be a good time to do that.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Prolly...................... just jokes - it will.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll bring my friend Ray back............... just jokes.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
And we're back. And what could be better than that? Well... nothing of course. Nothing except this update itself that is. And suddenly we are right back where we started. Check it...
"I caught my twelve-year-old son looking up women's skirts today" I told the barman after my second whiskey. "That's pretty normal for a twelve-year-old, isn't it?" he asked. "Not on Amazon it isn't" I said.
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Mrs Biden bought Joe a parrot for his birthday. She told Kamala Harris, the deputy president "The bird is so smart, Joe has already taught him to pronounce over 200 words". "Wow. That's pretty impressive" Harris said "but do you realise that he just says the words... he doesn't really understand what they mean?" "Oh, that's okay" Mrs Biden replied "neither does the parrot".
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My wife is going to a fancy dress party as a Rastafarian. She's asked me to do her hair.
I'm dreading it.
--
Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep.
Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different. A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. "Doc! " Joe says "it's amazing! I'm cured! "That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says "you seem to be doing much better. How? "I went to see another doctor" Joe says enthusiastically "and he cured me in just ONE session! "One?! " the psychoanalyst asks incredulously. "Yeah" continues Joe "my new doctor is a behaviorist. "A behaviorist? " the psychoanalyst asks "how on earth did he cure you in one session? "Oh, easy" says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed".
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Quit my job working in the helium factory. I wasn't going to be spoken to like that.
--
This guy was watching TV whilst his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper. Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air-conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself". So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea. The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?" "Huh? I thought you were out of town".
--
The other day I was waiting in line to use the local ATM. I was really in a hurry to draw some cash, but this old lady was at the machine, pressing all the buttons, inserting and removing then re-inserting her card, and just couldn't seem to get done. Eventually, she turned around and asked me "Excuse me young man, could you perhaps help me check my balance?" To which I replied "Sure my dear" before proceeding to push the old bitch off her feet.
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A couples happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma. For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding. Finally, the old girl passed away. On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years". His wife looked at him aghast. "*MY* Aunt Emma!" she cried. "I thought she was *YOUR* Aunt Emma!"
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A frightened investor goes to his financial planner and asks if he's at all worried about the volatility of the markets these days. The planner replies that he sure does! In fact, he says that he sleeps like a baby. The frightened investor was amazed! "Really? Even with all the fluctuations?" "Yup! I sleep for a couple of hours... and then I wake up and I cry for a couple of hours".
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A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realised that toucan play at that game.
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Worried that they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the apartment next door, the mother said to her son "Tony, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Piper is?" A few minutes later, Tony returned. "Well, is she alright?" asked the mother. "She's fine, but she's rather annoyed with you" remarked Tony. "At me?" the mother exclaimed. "Whatever for?" Tony replied "Mrs. Piper said it's none of your business how old she is".
John told his wife "I've got a problem". She stopped him right there. "No dear, we have a problem. We're in this together John. We married for better or for worse. Therefore, your problem is our problem". John sighed in relief. "Well, now it's hardly worth mentioning". But his wife was insistent. "Go ahead John, tell me. What's wrong?" John replied "Somehow, we got your sister pregnant!"
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Doug is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him. He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak: "My son "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses". "My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end". "My son "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre". "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river". The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realise his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property". Sarah replies "Property...? The arsehole had a paper route!"
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I've been trying to talk to my fish about his feelings, but he's being a little koi.
--
A missionary in Swaziland is summonsed to the tribal main tent. The Chief says "Holy man, my wife just gave birth to a white child. Everyone in the village is black, except for you". The missionary begins to sweat until he notices a herd of goats outside. "Chief, every once in a while, God makes his creation different from the others. Look at the goat outside. All of them are white, except for the one black one". The chief leans into the missionary's ear and whispers "I'll let you off the hook this time, but you keep quiet about goat, okay?"
A man was driving on the freeway when he saw a sign that said 'WHISTLE BLOWJOBS - 10 MILES'.
"Whistle blowjobs?" he thought to himself, wondering what that was all about.
"They suck your dick while they whistle? That's impossible!"
Then he passed another sign: 'WHISTLE BLOWJOBS - 5 MILES'
And another: 'WHISTLE BLOWJOBS - 1 MILE'
At this time he was so curious about it that he started to consider the idea.
'WHISTLE BLOWJOBS - TURN RIGHT' the last sign said.
Then he turned right, and saw a small wood cabin on the woods, with a beautiful blonde woman on the front.
"Hey!" he said. "Hey there, honey!" she replied.
"You do the Whistle Blowjobs yourself? What's it all about?" he asked.
"Yes honey, I do! And I'll suck your dick while whistling the tune of really famous pop songs" she said.
The man was astonished "How could it be possible? Imagine the control you would need to have to perform such an act. Imagine the skill that woman must have on her mouth and tongue!"
He got so curious that he had to try it "Oh lady, I want one!"
"$100" she said. "$100? That's pretty expensive..." "Not expensive for my whistle blowjob, honey!" said the woman.
So, he accepted and walked inside the cabin.
Then the woman said "To perform the act I need all lights out, so you don't see exactly what I'm doing and the magic aint ruined". "Okay!" he replied, already laying down and pulling down his pants.
Then the woman started sucking his dick, every movement perfectly executed, then she started to whistle the tune of Californication by the RHCP.
The man was really fucking surprised - how could that be possible?
When she finished, he asked for another round, for another $100.
"Ma'am, could you do it while I'm standing?" "Yeah sure" she replied, and started blowing him while he was standing.
But this time the man was in arm's reach from the light switch, willing to discovery how such incredible blowjob was done.
As soon as she started, he flicked the light switch, illuminating the room, just to see her glass eye sitting on the table next to him.
In 1996, Peter was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1996, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
She is recently retired, and last week, she went on a trip to a secluded beach resort. She started hiking on a trail, got lost, and slipped and hurt her ankle. She was quite worried, because it was in a secluded spot and she couldn't move. Luckily, after a half hour, four men came along and rescued her. They were quite strong and good at first aid. She found out that they were professional firefighters who were on a month-long training course in advanced first aid and live saving techniques.
They splint her ankle, take her to their beach house, make her dinner and carry her to bed.
Over the weekend, in between their training drills, the four young firefighters are very attentive to her, making her meals, carrying her to the patio of the beach house so she could enjoy the view, and even massaging her injured leg.
In fact, their treatment is so good, that after a few days, she can move. It turns out it is only a sprain, not a break. With a little help from the muscular firefighters, she can even walk back from the beach.
She tells the doctor that if it was a break, there was no way that she could have ever made it back up the hill, and would have had to stay with the firefighters for the entire month.
The doctor takes a look at her ankle and says they knew what they were doing, because it looks good enough to walk on.
"Usually for something like this I might prescribe a steroid or strong NSAID, or a topical antibiotic if the abrasions are bad, but you look pretty good. So... what do you want me to give you?"
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A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry all his purchases home.
While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot".
The old lady suggested "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in the other hand?" "Why thank you very much" he said and he proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time!"
The little old lady looked over cautiously then said "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?" The farmer said "Holy smokes, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens".
A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...
"Dear, dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and mum.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry, dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Mark.
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Steve's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my school report which is on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!!!"
Well that was a satisfying way to do Thursday don't you think?
-Follow me on Facebook. If nothing else, it seems like the right thing to do.
-Check out the archives. Quick! I mean it - QUICK!
-Next update will be next Thursday. Last one for March. MARCH!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I am going to take it personally.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
Welcome to if everybody is in on it, I'd have to be in on it, too...
I'll just keep this brief, brief, because all the information you need before entering can be condensed down to this: here is a brand new update, go enjoy. Check it...
--NO UPDATE NEXT WEEK. ORSM WILL RETURN ON THE 16TH MARCH--
A tourist is traveling abroad in Europe. She sees two guys on the street and asks them in English how to get back to her hotel. After seeing the confused looks on their faces, she asks them again but in German. Again, they give no response. As they look at each other in confusion, she tries one last time in Spanish. They remain silent as they shake their heads. As the tourist sighs and leaves in frustration, one of them says to the other, in French "Maybe we should learn another language?" His friend can't help but laugh. "Why? She knew three, and none of them helped".
--
A woman is rushed to the hospital in critical condition. Her husband waits patiently in the waiting room. After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and asks her assistant for a wrench, which understandably concerns the husband. Then, after a couple more moments, the doctor re-enters the room this time asking for a screwdriver. The man grows worried and begins to pace in circles. Then, a little later, the doctor bursts through the doors screaming for a hammer. At that, the husband, in a state of frenzied terror, runs up to the surgeon and asks, ''Doctor, what the heck is wrong with my wife?'' "I don't know yet" replies the flustered doctor "I can't get my damn bag open".
--
A gas station owner in Alabama was trying to increase his sales so he put up a sign that read: Free Sex With Fill-Up. Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10 and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time". A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again, he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time". As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex". Bubba replied "It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week!"
--
A little boy walks into a pet store, and asks the keeper "Hey mister, can I get some boyd seed?" The shopkeeper says "Pardon me?" to which the little boy repeats "Hey mister, can I please get some boyd seed?" The shop keeper says "Well, it's called BIRD SEED, not BOYD seed, so you go home and practice, and come back when you can say it properly..." The little boy leaves and comes back two days later. As the shopkeeper approaches, the little boy asks "Hey mister... can I PUH-LEASE have some boyd seed?!?" Again, the shopkeeper explains to him it is called BIRD SEED, not BOYD seed, and he is to go home and practice, and come back when he can say it properly. Two more days pass, and the little boy again enters the pet store. The shopkeeper approaches him and the boy asks "Hey mister... do ya wanna buy a dead boyd?"
--
There's a space mission to the moon with two monkeys and a woman on board. Control calls "Monkey number one to the monitor". The monkey is instructed to release the pressure in compartment one, increase the temperature in engine four and release oxygen to the reactors. The monkey does everything right away. A few moments later Control calls again "Monkey two to the monitor". The second monkey is instructed to add carbon dioxide to room four, stop the fuel injection to engine three, add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and analyse and transmit solar radiation readings. The monkey does as instructed. A few minutes later, Houston calls again "Woman, please approach the screen. She sits down and immediately interrupts the dispatcher: "I know, I know, feed the monkeys, and don't touch anything.
--
Three ladies are playing the 4th hole at a members-only country club when a naked man, wearing a bag over his head, jumps from the trees and runs across the green. The three ladies look and are in shock at the size of his manhood. The first lady says "Well... he definitely is NOT my husband!" The second lady looks at his manhood and says "He for sure is not MY husband!" The third lady takes a good look and says "He's not even a member of this club!"
--
A Jewish woman mourning her husband rings the local paper to insert an ad. Not wanting to spend much, she instructed the helpful operator to insert "Jacob is dead" in the death notices. "We have a special on today, two lines for the price of one, would you like to write something else?" The widow thought for a little. "Okay, sure. Jacob is dead, Volvo for sale".
--
Johnny walks into his parents' bedroom and sees dad with mum bent over the dresser, doing what parents do. Johnny is shocked. Dad notices and says "Johnny, go back to your room!" Mum and dad finish up and dad heads down the hall to see how Johnny is doing. When he opens the door, there is Johnny pushing grandma up against the dresser pretending to hump her. Dad says "Johnny! What the hell are you doing!?!" Johnny turns around and says "Not so funny when it's your mum is it!!"
--
A man and his wife are growing older, and the doctor tells them their memory isn't that great. He tells them they should start writing things down to remember better. At home, the wife asks for a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. She tells her husband to write it down, to which he responds that he can remember. She then asks for crushed nuts on top, and again insists that he should write it down. The husband, again, says he can remember. The wife then asks for a cherry on top, and insists the husband writes it down. The husband says "No, I'll remember. Ice cream with whipped cream, crushed nuts, and a cherry". The wife says "Okay" and the husband goes to get her ice cream. A few minutes later, he appears from the kitchen with scrambled eggs and bacon. The wife looks at the plate in disbelief before asking "Where's the toast?"
I fell down the stairs in the airport the other day and hurt my arm. Nothing serious just an airline fracture!
--
A fireman came from work one day and told his wife "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks". "From now on" he said "we're going to run this house the same way". "When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we're going to make love all night". The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled "Bell 1!" and his wife took off her clothes. "Bell 2" and his wife jumped into bed. "Bell 3" and they began to make love. After two minutes his wife yelled "Bell 4!" "What the hell is Bell 4?" the husband asks. "Roll out more hose" she replied "you're nowhere near the fire!"
--
A man was having marital problems. So he went to his shrink. The shrink says "When you get home, throw down your briefcase, run to her, embrace her, take off her clothes, and yours, and make mad passionate love to her". In two weeks, he was back in the shrink's office. The shrink asked "How did it go?" He said "She didn't have anything to say, but her bridge club got a kick out of it".
On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first.
'14 days to execution', Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled. If there were ever a time for divine interference, it was now.
That was when everything went dark.
'This must be a power shortage,' Franz mused to himself. 'Wait, the backup generators obviously aren't working either, or maybe just not yet. Maybe the electric doors are unlocked?'
Optimistically, Franz pushed on his cell door, which did give way!
Adrenaline now coursing through his veins, Franz realised that this was it. He got to his feet and ran through multiple corridors, none of which had working doors. Then, he spotted a lone guard running up the corridor, obviously out of breath.
With a quick punch and jab, the guard was down on the floor, and Franz snapped his neck with the adroitness of a practiced fighter and killer, which he was after all. The commotion in the rest of the prison, added to the noise of the rain, covered the noise generated by the quick melee.
Searching through the guard's possessions, Franz was delighted to find not only a wallet, but car keys! After quickly donning the guard's gear, he ran towards the exit of the prison unstopped by anyone and drove to his freedom.
300 miles away and in a small town of different state, Franz finally stopped to get what he needed after abandoning the car in the deep woods and taking along a bag-pack. 'They'll never find me now,' he reasoned. It was then that he saw an extremely elegant lady with flaxen hair, walking down the street.
Franz was tall, dark, handsome, and extremely charismatic. Knowing his strengths, he approached the lady, posing as a bag-packer. Over a short but sweet conversation, he convinced the lady, Elise, to let him stay the night at her place.
Once the television came on in the morning though, bearing Franz's mugshot and a 'shoot on sight' recommendation, it quickly dawned on Elise that she was harbouring an Eastern-European gangster who was also a wanted serial killer.
"NO WAY!" Elise shouted at Franz, as Franz begged her to give him a chance. Ordinarily this would have just meant one more dead body. But over the night, Franz realised that he really loved Elise. Besides, from a pragmatic point of view a dead body popping up in this town would be of no help to himself, especially when the police search was centred 300 miles away.
Using every last drop of his linguistic virtuosity, Franz told Elise the very sad story of a child in a family of gangsters, who was born solely to be a mere pawn in the web of crime lynchpins. He managed to convince Elise to harbour him for just a few days.
Those few days turned into weeks, then months, and eventually years.
Using a stolen identity, Franz and Elise were able to build a new life together and enjoy everything that normal couples would. They toured the alpine paradises of Switzerland, and the caverns of Sonora. They enjoyed Italian operas, and American soaps. They engaged in extreme sports and watched spectator games.
But the one thing they shared a particular partiality for was comedy, in all its forms.
After 13 years of sheer unadulterated bliss though, Elise was hit by the sudden discovery that she had late-stage cancer, and only a few months to live. The first few days after the revelation were marked with intense anguish and bitterness for the couple. But as they slowly accepted Elise's cruel fate, the couple were able to push forward and live their lives to the fullest, despite the impending tragedy.
Gradually though, Elise's energy waned, and the couple went from spending their time out rappelling and rock climbing, to spending never-ending nights in the ICU.
One night, as she was coughing up blood, Elise whispered laboriously to Franz "I think this is it. I don't think I'll get past tonight. Can you get him to come?"
Franz fumbled for his mobile phone and made a quick phone call.
Over the last few months, Franz had managed to get a famous comedian to promise to do a stand-up routine for just himself and Elise, and he was now redeeming the promise he had extracted. After all, humour was the one thing that he shared with Elise most profoundly, and both of them wanted to spend their last day together, enjoying what they loved most.
A mere 5 minutes later, there was a knock on the hospital door. A surprised Franz opened the door and found himself staring at an entire SWAT team and down the barrels of their guns.
In that moment, he knew the game was up. Instantly he fully felt the delayed tiredness of all the last few months.
"Is it him?" Elise mumbled from her bed quite hoarsely and inaudibly. And as the last 14 beautiful years flashed in his head, Franz tiredly replied "It's not the joke. It's the execution".
But the general gist was this: whoever can maintain the longest flow of curse words wins...
And so, a Britton, a Frenchman, a Russian and an Aussie get into the finals. Each have their own booths to psyche up and prepare for the final.
The Brit goes into the booth, walks out and starts his swearing combo.
The crowd is pleased.
Next, the Frenchmen goes into the booth, walks out and lets out a magnificent cacophony of curses, that would make our lady of Paris weep in tears.
After that, the Russian goes into the booth. He emerges, after a while and spews a violent bile of verbal vice that would make angels of both Catholic and Orthodox church to blush.
The Aussie goes as the last one. He enters the booth. All of the sudden, as he's still in the box, he starts to throw the most horrid combination of visceral, virulent and abhorrent words ever known to the mankind, linked in an exquisite chain of depravity.
The crowd is silent, and after a moment of silence, the Aussie steps out of his booth and says "Uh, sorry you blokes, my shoelace got untied, but I think I'm ready to go now".
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".
"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.
"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now" I said "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus, I don't really have the energy I used to have".
She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".
"Yeah" I said "just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone... everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby, grey haired, older men were sexy and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
Anyway, she giggled and said "I've put on a few pounds myself!"
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A psychology professor at an esteemed university decided to have a costume party for his birthday.
Every student was invited but would only be let in if they were dressed as an emotion. This confused but intrigued his class as they were all very astute and eager to party.
The night of the party arrived and the first guest came dressed in all red.
"What emotion are you?" the professor asked. The student responded "I'm rage! RARRRRGH!!"
The professor was impressed and let him in.
The second guest arrived, dressed in all green.
"I'm envy! Nice house!" she said.
She was promptly let in and shown around.
A few hours pass and the party is really going when the doorbell rings. It was the two Jamaican exchange students. Both totally naked. One had his dick in a bowl of custard and the other had a pear on the end of his dick.
"What's going on!!" the professor exclaimed "this is supposed to be a costume party! You guys are naked!?"
To get a feel for his audience, the lecturer asks "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience".
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks "So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Ahmed replied "Shit, from way back there I thought you said goats".
Well dudes, that's me done for this week aaaaaand next week too actually. To keep yourself occupied during this un-Orsm absence there's always the Orsm archives.
-Follow me on Facebook.
-Check out the archives.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Just kidding. No update next week while I take some time to do something important.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll pull out.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
![[Trainwreck Porn] Old Lady Neighbour Still Loves Dicks](/thumbs/trainwreck-porn-old-lady-neighbour-still-loves-dicks.jpg)
