Welcome to tight butthole.

It's been a bumpy couple of weeks. This isn't a bitch session or a woe is me or any of that but I do feel like complaining about how tough my luck is...

It started early last week. My neck was still sore as fuck from whatever happened to it. Slept funny or drugged, punched and kicked by a preg and hormonal GF. Impossible to rule one of the other out but life goes on. Then on the Tuesday, a gastro poop/spew virus attacked. Nine times out of ten when I get these it's just poop but this one was all powerful and provided a thorough cleanout plus deletion of a couple of kilograms. It all but cleared up by Wednesday however the butthole clenching wasn't over - it reappeared for a vigorous second round Thursday morning and persisted well into the evening.

If the pain of a sore neck, shitting, and vomiting weren't wearing thin, I was booked on Friday for a gastroscopy. That's the one where they stick a tiny camera down your throat to look at your stomach and oesophagus. And why? Remember not long ago I was crapping on about my breathing being fuckered for a quite a while now? That. I was convinced it's a reaction to dairy products however my doctor had other ideas - could be a hernia or this or blah blah. Basically she got in my head and wouldn't it be stupid not to rule everything out...

SO... Friday... I follow the instructions about not eating (wasn't a problem because thanks gastro) and roll up to the hospital almost an hour early to begin crapping myself in preparation for going under a general anaesthetic. Only ever had one once and that was NOT enjoyable. Cannot bear the thought of not being in control of my own shit. Ahh control freaks.

Annnnyway I check in, get weighed, change into a gown thingy, am plonked in a bed, run through my medical history, confirm I've only had water and... "Oh you've had water?" "Yes. Just a little bit. I'm dehydrated after pooping up to40 times yesterday". The nurse goes to check with the anaesthetist who bumps me to last on the list because fasting for 6 hours means fasting for 6 hours! That INCLUDES water. Fucking fuck.

I end up sitting in a bed for almost 4 hours. Waiting, not particularly enjoying the anxiety a control freak facing unconsciousness may subject them self to. Finally though my turn came. They wheel me in and attempt some small talk while I sit there quietly panicking, knowing this is how it all ends. "Roll over please. You may start feeling slee...."

Next thing, back in recovery. "Sir, wakeup!" Immediately I'm awake and alert and asking the nurse if I can go now. Umm nope. Explain I feel fine and am ready to bail. Nope. Eventually negotiate her down from an hour to half an hour. Then the doctor appears and tells me the gastroscopy all went well - didn't find anything and all is as it should be down there. "Oh by the way you woke up a couple of times during the procedure and tried to pull out the scope". "Whoa serious?" "We just gave you more drugs". Thankfully don't remember a thing but can only imagine it looked something like that scene from The Island (2005) where the hulking black dude runs through the hospital with all the tubes attached. Also, happy that my reflex is to try and pull things out of my throat that aren't supposed to go down there. Good to know in case I'm ever date raped... by a dude.

I legged it as soon as Nurse Grumpy 'permitted' me. For future reference: they don't like it but can't stop you leaving if and when you choose to. And they'll only call the cops if you try and drive post-anaesthetic. Probably not unreasonable.

After being more or less non-functional Friday afternoon, I wanted to make the most of Saturday. Got busy early doing a bunch of stuff around the house. Mowed the lawn and kept moving outside all day. At some point however there was a twinge in my lower back. An unpleasant one. Decided to just power through it because 1) I'm no namby-pamby girly man 2) It gives me something to blog about. Both these reasons, it turns out, were bad. Saturday night through to now have been some of the most severe pain I've experienced in many years. Apparently a bad reaction to the anaesthetic.

And there you have it. Bit of a horror show! Speaking of which... when I was too young, my older cousin was babysitting us. What better time to introduce a kid to Children of the Corn (1984) right? The meat slicer scene gave me nightmares for a very long time. Freddy Krueger in A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) did the same. Honourable mention for Poltergeist (1982). Basically any horror film where kids are tormented by some sort of insane higher power has been a touchy subject ever since. Then I watched the trailer to the remake of Stephen King's IT and all that shit came flooding back. Check it if you love a good horror mindfuck! Meanwhile I'll be trying to nt fall asleep.

Alright let's update. Check it...

Terrifying!Stephen King’s IT Remake Trailer Just Dropped And It’s Ready To Fuck Up A Whole New Generation - Feral CuntsDid This Family Overreact? Tourists Destroy Hotel Elevator After Kids Get Stuck - Butt GlitterButt Glitter Is The Hottest New Trend On Instagram And Will Soon Be Festival Fanny Fashion Wear - Aussie LulzAussie Bloke's Naughty Joke About Cyclone Debbie Hitting Town Of Bowen - Looks Great!Netflix’s Live-Action Death Note Movie Trailer Drops – Teases Horror, Death, And Willem Dafoe - Creep ModeTwo Hot Ladies Were Grinding On Each Other Until Some Creep Ruined The Moment - Go Big!!If You're Gonna Go, GO BIG! - IdioticDo You Think This Woman Deserved $20,000 After Police Tased Her During Arrest? - Porn AlienAss Effect: A XXX Parody With Rachel Starr As One Of Those Sexy Blue Aliens! - Mariah TitsMariah Carey Nipples Though See Through Black Top

Dirty BitchFreaky Jeopardy Contestant Accidentally Exposes Her Dirty Mind On Live TV - Hot/SexyHot And Sexy Girls With Hot And Sexy Butts #79 - Eminem's KidHer Name Is Hailie Scott, She Is Eminem’s Pre Fame Daughter Who Played A Character In His Music While He Was Ripping Her Hooker/Stripper Mother Apart, All In Efforts To Be The Most Accessible Rapper To Demented White Trash Who Like Beating Their Wives... - Beaner BangSo, This Is How Mexicans Lose Their Virginity? - WhackedMan Is Assassinated On The Street Standing Right Next To Young Girl Carrying Her Backpack - In The Vaj!Right In The Vagina! - Hawt TeenLet Me Flash You My Cute Little White Cotton Panties - Buttends - OrgasmicGirlfriend Jerks Him With Lube - Pic DumpPhun's Funny Pictures #224

Nu-uhhh!!Awesome Employee Refuses To Let Shoplifting Thug Get Away - Tiny TeensNever Seen A Girl With Such A Tight Wat Grin From Ear To Ear While Getting Stretched Out That Hard. - ButtsexAnal Sex With Euro Schoolgirl With Cumshot - ThreesomeThis Sexy Slut And Her Whore Of A Friend A Attempt To Manhandle This Dudes Fat Cock And Get The Business And Of A Full-Blown Facial. - Nude ModelCharlotte Carey Showing Her Tits And Nipples And Bush On Her Own. She May Only Have 33k Followers ATM But She Knows With Her Willingness To Get Nude She Will Hit 100k! - "Docking"Lesbian Docking... Is A Thing Now? - ShockingFather Assassinated In Front Of His Kids - VaporisedWatch This Group Of People Being Vaporised By A Missile - Sweet TitsArianny Celeste Caught Topless On The Beach - Falling OUTDemi Rose Celebrating Her Birthday In A Skimpy Dress

A women is accused of attacking her husband with several of his guitars. The judge asked "First offender?" She replied "No, first a Gibson then a Fender".
--
There's a group of mates who always get together on Fridays after work for a drink. One Friday, Jeff showed up late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp. Then he turned to Bob and said "Times are getting tough my friend, I mean, just today my wife told me that she's going to cut me back to only two times a week... I can't believe it". At which point Bob put his hand on Jeff's shoulder and said reassuringly "You think you've got it bad, she's cut some guys out altogether!"
--
A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor" she said "I guess I let myself go". The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad". "Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo".
--
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery. "How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well" said the wife "you are planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?"

ORSM VIDEO

Fuck And Facial By The Lake

Brutal Arm Wrestling Injury

Well That's The End Of Leg Days

Knee Is Reset On The Pitch

Down Her Throat On A Sidewalk

MechWarriors Are Finally Here

Monster Truck Epic Moves

These Cunts Are Off Their Heads

Double Teamed And She Goes At It

Casually Saves His Mates Life

Man Sacrifices Himself To Wolves

Its Called A Meteor Pizza

Things Escalate Dramatically

A Special Kind Of Asshole

Bewildering Breath Test Stop

Sometimes You Just Need 2000hp

There was this guy who went abroad to buy a dog. It was a rare breed and he had to go through a lot to get it. Even though it was small, it was a breed known for being protective and watchful.

So he goes, buys the dog from the breeder, and gets on a ship to come back to the States. There is a really bad storm and the ship is thrown off course. They end up in some tropical waters eventually, but the damage to the ship was too much and it sinks.

As the ship was sinking, he grabs the dog and a few pieces of wood, but he is pretty bruised and as the ship goes under he gets knocked on the head and passes out, holding a piece of debris and the dog but unconscious.

He eventually wakes up and looks around and realises he is in sight of land. The dog is still with him and he starts to lamely paddle. They eventually wash up on the shore and lay there for a minute before they start exploring.

Days go by, then months. They set up camp and live their life, this guy and his dog. Every day the guy goes a little farther inland to try to see if there are any people around, but he never sees anyone - just birds and small animals.

So they eat what they can pick, catch or kill, living off the land and it isn't too bad.

One day, as they were making their way inland, all of the sudden the trees open up and they come upon a clearing. This is the farthest in they had ever ventured, and he was surprised to find a small flock of sheep grazing in the tropical sun. He thinks that there MUST be folks around if he is seeing sheep, but he looks and looks and never finds another human being.

So he gives up on finding anyone around, the sun is starting to set, and he wants to go back to camp before nightfall, but his dog has run off. He then looks at the flock of sheep and has an idea.

Now, he isn't the kind of guy who gets into animals, but he is LONELY. The feel of a woman is a distant memory and he suddenly feels desperate. So he finds a female sheep, drops his trousers, and is about to do the deed when all of the sudden the dog comes tearing through the underbrush like crazy BARKING BARKING BARKING! Just nuts this dog is. So he gives up, pulls his pants back up, and takes the dog back to camp.

He tries this a couple more times and each time the dog is crazier than the last - barking and circling around him while he is standing there with his pants around his ankles - so he begins to give up on the idea.

He wakes up really early one morning and looks over - the dog is still asleep. He realises if he ever had a chance, this is probably it. So he very quietly gets up and sneaks off to the clearing.

He finds his sheep, drops his trousers and BARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARK!!

So he sighs and gives up. They go on as they did before, each time going more inland, but he doesn't try the sheep business again. He never finds another person and resigns himself to his loneliness - at least he has the dog for company.

One day, a few months later, he and the dog were walking down the beach to fish a bit when he sees something off in the distance. DEBRIS! Debris means people! So he picks up his pace and when he gets to the pile he can't believe his eyes! In front of him is an unconscious, beautiful, naked woman covered in seaweed and next to the log she floated on. He is dumbstruck.

He pulls her up and revives her. He brushes the long hair out of her face and looks into her eyes as she comes back to life. She is weak, but appreciative - She reaches up and returns his look, putting her hand on his cheek, and says "You have saved me... cough cough... you saved my life! I don't know how I can repay you... I would do anything for you... (she holds his gaze)... anything..."

The guy looks into her eyes and says... "Well, if you wouldn't mind holding my dog for about 15 minutes I would be right grateful..."

36 very hot women who don't mind sand getting in their BEACH VAGINA

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BEACH VAGINA previously on Orsm: #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1

A guy is sitting in a bar having a drink and sees a beautiful blonde haired girl across the way making eyes at him. He goes over and says "Excuse me Miss, may I buy you a drink?" "Sure" she says "have a seat".

The man sits down and they get to talking.

"You know" the man says "This is kind of a funny subject, but my wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed". "REALLY?!?!" the girl says "My boyfriend just left me because I was too kinky. Do you want to go back to my place and get a little kinky?" So they finish their drinks and leave.

When they get to the girls house, she says "Wait here I'm going to slip into something a little kinkier". She comes out from her room wearing a leather teddy, with a whip in one hand and handcuffs in the other, but the guy is grabbing his coat and heading for the door.

She says "Wait a minute, I thought we were going to get kinky!" He says "Jesus lady I already shit in your purse and fucked your dog. What more do you want me to do?"

ORSM VIDEO

Nails It On Every Level

Don't Piss Off The Plough Guy

Having Fun In Some Amazing Waves

Unexpected Surgical Discovery

Trans Bro

Buggy Suspension Testing

Whoa That Had To Hurt

Pipe Strength Demo Is A Fail

Down For Some Doggstyle

That's The End Of That Forklift

Heroin Overdose Whilst Driving

YOU FORGOT MY FRIES!

One morning, a young nun woke up, got out of bed, and dressed for the day ahead. She then left her room and headed downstairs for breakfast.

As she walked down a corridor, she passed two older nuns, one of whom said "You got out of the wrong side of bed this morning".

The two older nuns then walked away giggling. The young nun was puzzled by this, but shrugged it off and carried on.

She then passed another older nun who also said "You got out of the wrong side of bed this morning". before walking away giggling.

As the young nun continued to make her way down to the dinner hall, she kept on passing her fellow sisters, all of whom made the same "You got out of the wrong side of bed this morning" comment and walked away laughing.

By the time the young nun got to the dinner hall she was so livid she bumped into the Mother Superior in the doorway.

The Mother Superior was just about to open her mouth to say something before the younger nun cut in, saying "Don't tell me, 'I got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning' right?"

The Mother Superior shrugged and then said "I wasn't going to say that. I was going to ask, what are you doing with the Bishop's shoes on...?"

EVER WONDER WHAT HAPPENS IN HOTELS...?

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ORSM VIDEO: PARENTING EDITION

Watch Her Explore Her Body

Alexa STOP!! LOL

Man Threatens To Beat Up Mother

And That's What You Get

Steals The Popes Zucchetto

Mum Abused For Breastfeeding

Little Boy Helps Mum Fight

Walking On A Ledge Very High Up

Deals With A Very Large Cock

Parent Brawl At Football Match

Little Dude Mobbed By Birds

Fat Little Fucker Loves His Food

Childhood Ruined

Scares The Shit Out Of A Midwife

Eat Your Worms Please! Nom Nom!

Terrified Of Cocks

Larry Lobster and Sam Clam where best friends. They did everything together. The only difference between them is that Larry was the nicest Lobster ever and Sam, well let's just say he was not so good.

Larry and Sam did so much together that they even died together.

But Larry went to heaven and Sam went to hell.

Larry was doing well in heaven and one day St. Peter came up to him and said "Larry, you know you are the nicest clam we ever had up here. Everyone likes you but you seem to be a bit depressed. Tell me what is bothering you, maybe I can help".

Larry said "Well, don't get me wrong Pete, I like it up here and everything, but I really miss my good friend Sam Clam. We used to do everything together and I really miss him a lot".

St. Peter looked at Larry with pity and said to him "I tell you what, I can arrange it so that you can go down to hell tomorrow and visit Sam all day. How would that sound?"

This made Larry very happy and he got up bright and early the next morning and grabbed his wings, his harp, and his halo and got in the elevator to hell. When the doors opened he was met by Sam. The hugged each other and they were off.

You see, in Hell, Sam owned a disco. The spent the day there together and had a great time. At the end of the day Larry and Sam went back to the elevator together said their goodbyes and Larry got back in the elevator and went up to heaven.

He stepped off the elevator and was greeted by St. Peter who blocked the doorway to heaven. He looked at Larry and said "Larry Lobster, didn't you forget something?" Larry looked around and said "No, I don't think so I have my halo and my wings".

St. Peter looked at him and said "Yes, but what about your harp?" Larry gasped and said "I Left My Harp in Sam Clam's Disco".

ORSM VIDEO

Works That Extremely Wet Puss

This Is So F-ing Stupid

Moo-ve It Cows!! :-(

Love Triangle Disintegrates

Love Watching Her Play

Royal Guard Loses Patience

Illegal Parkers Be Gone

Stadium Super Trucks Are Awesome

Facial For This Cute Little Blondie

Rolls Royce Make Farm Vehicles?

Careful Who You Try To Race

Probable Aftermath Of...

Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

So a rabbi, a priest, and a minister are attending a conference in another town, and they stop at a bar at the end of the day. The priest pulls out a deck of cards and pretty soon they've got a little poker game going - only to be busted by an overzealous policeman enforcing the town's strict anti-gambling laws.

So they're hauled before a judge the next morning, and everybody's kind of embarrassed about it, including the judge.

"Look" he says "just tell me you weren't gambling, and I'll let you go".

"Well" says the priest "gambling seems to me to imply some sort of intent to win money or with the idea that it would exchange hands at the end of the evening, whereas considering a hypothetical situation such as the one we were engaged in where the money is taking on more of the role of a token merely for tracking the interplay of the game and the relative..." and so on.

"Fine" says the judge "You can go".

The minister steps up. "It seems to me that given divine foreknowledge of all events, even if we mortals are not so gifted raises the question of whether gambling as a concept can really..." and so on also, and is similarly dismissed by the judge, just leaving the rabbi in the courtroom.

"Well?" asks the judge. "Rabbi, were you gambling?"

The rabbi looks around and shrugs his shoulders. "Gambling? With who?"

TELL YOUR BOOBS TO STOP STARING AT MY EYES!!

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Previously on Orsm: DOWNBLOUSE #4 - DOWNBLOUSE #3 - DOWNBLOUSE #2 - DOWNBLOUSE #1

One day this guy comes to work at a sex toy shop. His boss leaves for the day and puts him in charge of the shop. About an hour later a black haired lady comes in and asks "How much for your black dildos?" The guy says "30 bucks". "And how much for your white dildos?" asks the lady. Again the man says "30 bucks for the black and 30 bucks for the white".

She takes the black one and leaves.

A while later a brunette comes in to the store and asks "How much for your white dildos?" The man responds "30 bucks". She asks "And how much for your black dildos?" "30 bucks for the white and 30 bucks for the black" replies the man.

So she takes the white one leaves.

About an hour later a blonde walks through the door and asks "How much are your dildos?" The guys says "All our dildos are 30 bucks". Then she looks up behind the man on a shelf and ask "How much for that orange one?" The man responds "Oh, that one is special. That will cost you $250".

The blonde agrees and takes it.

Later that day the boss come back and asks "So what did you sell today?" The man says "I sold a black dildo, a white dildo, and a 2 litre of Fanta for $250!"

RANDOM SHITE

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OLDER SHITE: 23rd March - 16th March - 9th March - 2nd March - 23rd February - 16th February - 9th February

Guy goes to see the doctor with a sore dick.

The doctor does some tests and looks grim. "I'm afraid it's Guinea Plague" he says "I'll have to amputate".

"No!" says the patient "I want a second opinion!" "That's your right" says the doc "but you need to deal with this immediately".

The patient goes to another doctor, who tells him the same thing. Desperate, the patient then goes to an alternative medicine practitioner.

"Hmmm, looks like Guinea Plague" says the alternative doc "I recommend a holistic blend of herbs and essential oils, along with some deep meditation".

"So, you won't need to amputate?" asks the patient. "Goodness me no" says the alternative doctor. "Wait three weeks and it'll fall off by itself!"

PARTY GIRLS ARE ALMOST TOO MUCH FUN

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Previously on Orsm: PARTY GIRLS #1

Paddy is passing by Mick's barn one day when through a gap in the door he sees Eddie doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right rubber boot, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

"What on earth are you doing Mick?" says Paddy.

"Jayzuz Paddy, ye frightened the livin' shite out of me" says an obviously embarrassed Eddie. "Me and the missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department and the marriage counsellor suggested I do something sexy to a tractor!"

ONE OF THE HOTTEST GIRLS HE HAS EVER FUCKED

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PREVIOUS SOLO GIRLS: KARINA - STEPHANIE - IVY - NANCE - ALANIS - JANE - JUSTINE - LENA - MASHA - OLIVE

ORSM VIDEO

Cums In His Wife's Butthole

Enjoys Watching A Ridiculous Fight

Blows Straight Through An Intersection

Escalator Has A Major Brainfart

Bad Pussy! :-(

Driving And Streaming Not Even Once

Car Ploughs Through A Wall

Beware Flying Ice

Decent Selfie Fuck Video

Boom Gate Booms A Dog Walker

I've Fallen And Can't Get Up!

Snake Killed Itself Killing A Croc

Well ...

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. I've been very clear on this being something you need to do.
-Next update will be next Thursday... unless I don't make it back from my boy's weekend away. Then next update will be never.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will sit on them. Bad idea. Why you ask? Well let me tell you. Its because Ray is so fat that he successfully sued the 'you're so fat...' Facebook group for vilification.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and no flat chicks. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Welcome to always the first place you look.

Severe gastro. This masterpiece'll just have to do...

An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out. He gives him the advice "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had sex with my wife. It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too!" Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The phone is ringing off the hook and computer running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice?" "I did" answers the employee "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!"
--
Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said "Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air!" The other hooker looked at her and said "No, I just burped".
--
Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all". He opened the note, and read "Asshole, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
--
Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In pain she screamed "What the hell did you do that for?" Tarzan replied "Always check for bees".
--
A guy was playing golf, a golf ball hit him in the balls and he passed out. His friends took him to the doctor. The man asked him "Well, what do you think, doc?" The doctor replied" We're going to have to put in a support for about a week". He then takes four tongue depressors and ties them all together with string. The man's face looked disappointed, he told the doctor "But tonight's me and my wife's honeymoon". The doctor replied "You're going to have to bear with it". Later that night, the man and his wife were in bed. She took off her shirt and grabs her breasts "No one has ever seen these before". The man pulls out his wang and says "Well mines still in the crate!"
--
There was a shoe sales man sitting in his store when a beautiful woman comes in. He looks at her and can't stop staring. While helping her try on a pair of shoes he glances up her skirt to find she isn't wearing any panties. He started thinking and something slipped out. The man said "I'd like to fill your pussy with ice cream and lick it all out!" Hearing this the woman runs out to tell her husband. She says "Honey, this shoe salesman said he'd like to fill my pussy up with ice cream and lick it all out!" "Now go kick his ass!". The husband replied "Dear, anyone that can eat that much ice cream, I ain't fuckin' with!"
--
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it". "Dear" the wife hissed, spitting out her gag "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!"

Killer ClownStephen King "It" Gets The Green Light For A Remake And Horror Fans Are Excited... Terrified But Excited.- Stop Posting!When You’re An Idiot And Want To Share Your Stupid With Everyone On Facebook - Bosozoku GirlsThe Bosozoku Biker Girl Gangs Of Japan – Tattooed Outlaws With Varnished Nails And Badass Bikes - McHackedSomeone Hijacked The Mcdonald's Twitter Account And Went Nuts - Sooo Good!Proof: Country Girls Are The Best Girls - Dirty MindMan With Dirty Mind Fails Spectacularly On 'Wheel Of Fortune' - CuckedWannabe Swinger Gets Cucked Instead - LOL IdiotsThis Is Why No One Takes Campus Cops Seriously - Phun ButtsBonus Butts #78 - NastyWTF: Black Bitch Rubs Her Cunt In A Public Bus

Smackdown'sWhen You’re A Trump-Bashing Celeb But The Country Doesn't Agree - Nice SlipIreland Baldwin Nip Slip On The Street Barefoot - The HotnessNatasha Legeyda! She is naked in her backyard, in the back of a car and inside her house in this one. No Matter Where She Is Naked She Looks Amazing. - Shit'erself"Yooo She Shit Herself!" LOL The Poor Girl. Not Only Does She Get Her Ass Beat But She Also Loses Control Of It Too - Spectacular!Dioni Tabbers Is A Ridiculously, Insanely Stupidly, Amazingly Hot Dutch Model You've Never Heard Of. This Is Her Naked! - Office BabeOffice Secretary In Stockings Fucked On Desk - Goth QueenDid Not See That Coming! Holy Fuck! This Chick Has One Of Those Bodies You Definitely Can't Look Away From. - Really CuteReally Cute Best Friend Wants To Have Sex With Me - SenselessMan Repairing His Truck Executed With Point Blank Shots To The Head.

Oh My GodSo What You're Saying Is, "Oh My God". - Sex KittenShe's Packing! Huge Knockers Unleased When This Busty Teen Takes Off Her Top! - Killer TitsTeen With Killer Titties And Big Nipples - OrgasmicSwedish Girl Gets Forced Onto A Huge Cock... And She Takes The Whole Damn Thing! - FuckableAlina Lonska Titties Photoshoot - Holy Shit!!Dead Guy In A Cement Truck. Would This Count As Concrete Evidence Against The Suspect? - Favela LifeGirl Fight In The Favelas. Nobody Wins. - RandomnessFunny Pictures DCXLVIII - Naked YogaNaked Yoga With Lucie Wilde Aka Busty Buffy! - See-ThruAbbey Clancy Nipples In See Through Lace Dress

A young man went up to his father and asked him "Can I have twenty bucks for a blow job?" His father said "I don't know. Are you any good?"
--
A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment. "I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget" said the woman "especially with the size difference and all". "Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes" said the midget. The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times. "If you think that was good" said the midget with a smirk "Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"
--
A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he asks. "I'm having a heart attack" cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling, his 4-year-old son comes up and says "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You bastard!!!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?"

ORSM VIDEO

GF Gets The Long Prong

Idiot Almost Takes His Own Head Off

Testosterone Isn't Muscle

Not Every Repo Is Successful

Drunk Hottie Takes Her Top Off

Handbag Lets You Cheat At Cards

How Bloody Good Is This Pilot

Big Vs Little Dude: Who Will Win?

Get Where They Need To Be

Well This Is Awkward

Tragedy Awaits

iPhone 6 Explodes Going For Repair

She's All Hips And Curves

You Don't See This Everyday

Heartstopping Brush With Death

That's An Enormous Cock

A little boy is excited because the circus has come to town. They had a parade with a band and animals and clowns! Oh, the clowns were fabulous! He was so excited that he got a ticket right away.

The show began and there were stunts and people on the high wire and trained animals. Then out came a tiny car and out from it poured an endless stream of clowns who did the funniest things you ever saw. It was absolutely hilarious.

Then all of a sudden the clowns stopped and started looking around, all puzzled. They searched high and low and still they kept going. Finally one clown stopped and addressed the audience "We seem to have lost our horse and we need help finding him. Would the person in row 32 seat H please stand up?" The boy notes that he is in that seat so he stands up! The clown says "Ah! We've found the horse's ass, now we need to find the rest of the horse!"

The audience roars with laughter and the boy turned beet red. He tore from the tent in humiliation, mostly because he didn't know what to say! He decided that would never happen to him again. He pulled out his most recent copy of Boy's Life and found an ad for a book for snappy comebacks, so be bought it. It arrived and he proceeded to memorize it in its entirety. He had he local librarian borrow similar books that he also memorized.

As he grew up, he practiced his snappy comebacks, but was he ready? No! He went to a college that allowed you construct your own major, so he majored in Snappy Comebacks. He studied Moliere, Shakespeare, Henny Youngman, Phyllis Diller, all the greats. He earned his major. Was he ready? No. He went on to get a PhD in snappy comebacks. Was he ready? No. He started publishing papers presenting a full taxonomy of snappy comebacks, classifying them by type, cultural reference, social import and final impact. Was he ready? Yes.

He returned to his home town and waiting for the circus. When it arrived, they had a parade with a band and animals and clowns! Oh, the clowns were fabulous! He got a ticket right away for the same seat.

The show began and there were stunts and people on the high wire and trained animals. Then out came a tiny car and out from it poured an endless stream of clowns who did the funniest things you ever saw. It was absolutely hilarious.

Then all of a sudden the clowns stopped and started looking around, all puzzled. They searched high and low and still they kept going. Finally one clown stopped and addressed the audience "We seem to have lost our horse and we need help finding him. Would the person in row 32 seat H please stand up?"

The boy notes that he is in that seat so he stands up! The clown says "Ah! We've found the horse's ass, now we need to find the rest of the horse!" And he says in a loud, steady voice "Fuck you!"

REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES

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Previously on Orsm: CURVES #2 - CURVES #1

A fellow named Dennis is at the movies, seeing a new film that's the talk of the town. It's a few weeks into the film's run, so it's just him and a couple other people in the theatre, as well as a man who is sitting next to a large dog. He figures this is a service animal or something, and pays it no mind.

But as the lights dim and the movie starts, his attention goes to the dog more and more. A fascinating thing happens: The dog appears to understand the film perfectly. Its tongue hangs out in a wide doggy smile when a character tells a funny joke. It growls apprehensively when the villain shows up. At particularly sad moments, it lets out a little sad howl. At the end, when the hero triumphs it gives a few happy barks of celebration.

At this point Dennis is much more interested in this strangely singular dog than in the film itself.

When the credits roll and the lights come up and everyone is sort of shuffling out of the theatre, he decides he simply must talk to the owner of this impressive creature.

"Sir" says Dennis "Sir, please pardon the intrusion. I just wanted to come over and say that I find your dog's behaviour simply unbelievable!"

"Frankly, so do I" says the man. "He hated the book!"

ORSM VIDEO: GIRLS BEHAVING BADLY OR GOODLY BUT MOSTLY BADLY EDITION

Curvy Wife Takes Control

Funny/Childish Golf Fight

The Future Of Pissing Is Here

How To Catch A Very Angry Snake

Cum Junkie

Absolutely Munted

Can't Feel His Face When...

Enjoys Some Inhalants On The Bus

Pleasure The Hell Out Of Each Other

Big Hard ATV Rollover

Rap Battle Translated To English

Little Crackhead

A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring and inquires "Are you looking at my pussy?" "Yes, I'm sorry" replies the man and promises to avert his eyes. "It's quite alright" replies the woman "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you". Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

The man, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do. "I can also make it wink" says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me" suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, the man replies "Good grief! Can it whistle too?!"

OH HOW I LOVE A WINDY DAY

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Previously on Orsm: WIND DO YOUR THING #3 - WIND DO YOUR THING #2 - WIND DO YOUR THING #1

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ORSM VIDEO

Office Girl Fucks Her Boss

How To Refuel A Woman

Fat Bitch Trashes A Store

Stop Resisiting FFS!!

Public Pussy Rub Is Kinda Awkward

Skanks Fight It Out In A Taxi

WTF Is This Crazy Bitches Problem!

Girls Settle It With One Punch

Kneeling Where She Belongs...

Club Skanks Fight It Out

Twerking On A Moving Car

Inexplicably Rams A Clothing Store

He Can't Get It Hard For Her

Psycho Bitch Goes On The Attack

Stupid Bitch Gets Her Cat Stoned

Husband Finds Wife Cheating

A guy is driving around the back woods when he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks. "Yep" the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping".

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals". "I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired".

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars" the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a fucking liar. He never did any of that shit.

ORSM VIDEO

Body Like WHOA

How To Wastefully End Your Life

Burns His Mates Ferrari

I Want This Gun

Singer Strips Nude During Concert

What A Tough Little Dude!

Japan's Monorails Are Quite Amazing

Guard Takes Out A Bank Robber

Special Encounter

Wife Hid Her Lover On The Roof

Trashes Hospital After Mum Dies

Jumping Off An Old Shipwreck

Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked "What is this Father?" The father, never having seen an elevator, responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is".

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number... and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son... "Go get your mother!"

BLINDFOLDED AND TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF...

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Did you know that Eagles mate for life? Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead! Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.

So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all the dove would say is... "I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!" Well this so got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.

He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is... "I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was... "NO! The duck didn't say THAT you pervert! What the duck actually said was "I'm a Drake, you made a mistake!"

RANDOM SHITE

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OLDER SHITE: 16th March - 9th March - 2nd March - 23rd February - 16th February - 9th February - 2nd February

There I was, sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man" the biker says "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying". "This is the worst day of my life" I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all... I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

WE ALL HAVE OUR REASONS FOR HATING MODELS... UNTIL THERES A WARDROBE MALFUNC THAT IS...

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CATWALK NIP SLIPS previously on Orsm: #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying "I know the whole truth". Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her "I know the whole truth". His mother quickly hands him $20 and says "Just don't tell your father".

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with "I know the whole truth". The father promptly hands him $40 and says "Please don't say a word to your mother".

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying "I know the whole truth". The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says "Then come give your daddy a great big hug!"

PLOUGHING KARINA

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PREVIOUS SOLO GIRLS: STEPHANIE - IVY - NANCE - ALANIS - JANE - JUSTINE - LENA - MASHA - OLIVE - DARIA

ORSM VIDEO

Geisha Takes Care Of Biz Solo

Might Be BAD For Your OCD

Gotta Love This Giant Tacho

Sets His Own House On Fire For Revenge

Fucks The Fuck Out Of Her Face

Emergency Vehicles In Germany

Golf Cunt

Uber Driver Fights A Cyclist

She's Just Using Him To Get Off!

Kidnapped Woman Makes An Escape

Dare Devil Or Fucking Idiot?

Arranged To Marry An Absolute Pig

Well...

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Only a cunt would not.
-Next update will be next Thursday... unless the gastro kills me.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will use his considerable size to fuck you up. Probably want to avoid that though. Why you ask? Because Ray is so fat that he saved over 200 people last week with a single blood donation. [Sadly they all died not long after because their bodies couldn't handle such high cholesterol.]
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and clear watery poop. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Welcome to illegal pirate radio oi oi!

I'ma just jump straight into the weekend because it was big and the only thing worth talking about from the past week...

 Saturday was a very full day. Much to do, much to accomplish and all that. Firstly, the GF was away on a girl's weekend. Secondly I had agreed with a seller to collect an Ikea wardrobe from their house at 10.30 which was about an hour away. Would've been a far, far shorter drive to actual Ikea but at three times the price. To make this happen I had to farm out the child but even before that had to squeeze in a GP visit, vote in the state election and coerce the trailer out of our nextdoor neighbour.

GP was thrift except for the actual getting out of the house. Why there is a sudden urge to 'play with my toys' and associated dummy spit whenever it isn't allowed I'll never understand. It was straight home afterward and off to cast my vote. Got there about 10 minutes after the polls opened and clearly everyone had a similar idea - the line was at least 300 people long so bailed. Next was the trailer. We have one of these fucking things except its old, probably not roadworthy and challenging to get at. That sounds vague - basically next time I use it, it may not be allowed back to where it currently lives so if there's an easier option, take it. Decided to ask our neighbour. Had to approach the right way because as many times as I've seen that little trailer towed away behind someone else's car is how many times he has complained about them. Rarely complains about anyone unless that trailer is involved. All justifiable - stuff like how it comes back broken/dirty/scratched/whatever. He hand built himself and is very proud of it. Actual heartbreak when it comes back scathed. I went armed with chocolates and compliments. Social engineering on a neighbourly level.

Anyway... in quick succession I hooked up, the kid was collected and we set off on the long drive south and east to a part of the metro I've never dared to venture. Found the house easy enough, spent a while chatting and then carefully loaded up. It was obvious we needed a bigger trailer but still managed to make everything fit. Headed back the long way avoiding freeways and anything which would rattle the wardrobe to destruction. We stopped about 10 minutes down the road to grab a drink... turned out to be a good thing because as we entered the Macca's carpark, the tailgate, which no one had noticed was unsecured, fell off. Oops. Would never ever have realised or found it otherwise. No idea how I'd have explained it either.

The round trip absorbed almost four hours but was worth the effort. [The saving offsets the huge loss on selling the treadmill]. Rest of the afternoon was spent cleaning the wardrobe, getting it ready to install and mowing lawn, gardening, voting etc. Come evening I was fucking exhausted but with the GF and kid out I could do anything. Anything. Anything. That meant alcohol in some or all forms. Organised a mate, got my shit together and met at a pub near the city. Had a beer, caught up and after establishing that food was essential in light of barely having eaten all day and tiredness, we went off to do that. Of course as we walked out and I checked my phone for messages is when I totally didn't notice how the floor stepped down. So my body went down to take a closer look. Hard. In front of hundreds of people.

Remember last week I blogged about having a fucked neck? Well after some chiro and lifting cupboards all day it was surprisingly coming good. Had some movement back and wasn't saying "Oww" as much. Well the stack fixed that. It was properly banged up. As was my knee. Oh and my wrist. A man only has one choice to make at that point: go home or drink through it. The choice was obvious...

I woke up Sunday morning wondering WTF had happened and feeling pretty average. And by average I mean "Am I still alive?" Hangovers are one thing but the pain after falling so spectacularly, so publically was brutal. Couldn't move. Lay in bed for a couple of hours. Finally mustered the willpower to go shower which triggered an involuntary reappearance of Saturday night's dinner and drinks. Got cleaned up, somehow drove to the massage place where a tiny Chinese woman put some of my shit back together. Ate junk food, watched TV and remained productively defunct for the duration. Normally I'd say 'never again' after such a night but it was a seriously good fun and its rare to escape the asylum and get one. Guess we'll see how things go for the coming weekend.

Okay enough. I you've made it this far then trust me it only gets gouda. The update is heaving and splitting at the parts that split. Check it...

Naked AthletesNaked Athletes: ESPN Body Issue Shows The World’s Elite Sports Professionals Without Clothes- SharkacheScuba Diver Finds Shark Straight Out Of A Horror Movie - Nasty BitchesWomen Reveal The Weird And Gross Things They Do When Their Partners Aren’t Around - Murderer LOLWho's The Bigger Jerk, The Biker Or The Trucker? - Sex ChallengeDo Their Porno Dreams Come True? Fuck No. Instead, Four Average-Ass Mother Fuckers Attempt To Make Sex With The Prestigious Christy Mack, And Each And Every One Of Them Brutally Embarrasses Themselves. - HosedFourth Shooting In 24hrs. California Has Been Busy... Just Another Day In The Sun... - Trump's BitchMelania Trump Is The Hottest First Lady We’ll Ever Have - Fffffuckk!Sad: Monster Truck Flattens 20+ People - What A KnobStreet Racing May Not Be Your Thin

Douche Pig"Do Not Tase Him!" Power Tripping Cop Fights With EMT - Boobies OutRussian Pop Star Nadeea Volianova Boobies In Mesh Top - Shower LucyThe Super Hot Lucy Li Taking An Outdoor Shower!! Amazing To Look At. This Set And Her Set Is Awesome! - Point BlankMan Kills His Victim With A Shotgun At Point Blank Range. - Model NudesNatalie Biehl Is An Aspiring Model, Getting Those Free Topless And Nude Shoots Out There, Because It’s How You Get Noticed, And We Should All Be Okay With That... - DruggosSynthetic Drugs: Not Even Once! - Celeb ButtsDid Someone Say Celeb Butts? No? Oh Well Here's A Buttload Anyway! - Teen SoloLonely Abril Pleasures Herself - AnaledSome Girls Will Say They Don't Love It Up The Butt But If This Compilation Is Anything To Go By That Simply Isn't True - SquirtingHot Squirting Threesome

Well Played!Police Officer Tells Of Technological Advancement That'll Help Reduce Road Rage - Kinky AFThis Dudes Bizarre Garage Project Is Pretty Awesome... - Prom ShagWe Were Both Ready To Get Rid Of Our Virginity Pledge After Prom. She Bends Over And Wanted Me To Pop Her Hymen From Behind. It Was Our First Time So It Didn't Take Very Long. - Couch SexSkinny Dutch Babe Gets Drilled On The Couch - Epic FacialsOutstanding Compilation Of Amateur And Pornstars Getting Their Faces Destroyed With Huuuuge Cumshots. This Is Peak Porn. - April RoseTumblr Babe April Rose Has Been Making The Rounds Lately And With A Body Like That Its No Wonder. I Love It When A Truly Hot Babe Also Has A Kinky Side. - Mischa ToeMischa Barton Cameltoe In Bikini Bottoms - Great RackAmanda Seyfried Titty Flash - He Lived!How The Fuck Did He Survive? - RIP DudesRocket Hits A Group Of Police In Falluja. Yeah They Aint Getting Up.

Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover "Please do me a favour. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?" His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says "I don't feel anything". Bruce says "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out". So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch. He says "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass". Bruce starts singing "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
--
The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face. "What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked. "It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble" said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured 'What a smooth finish'". "What's wrong with that?" asked the driver. "Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, 'Who the hell left the garage door open?'"
--
Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F. "One day we should get her for this" said the first boy. "I agree. We'll grab her..." said the second. "Yeah" said the third. "And then we'll kick her in the nuts!"
--
The grieving widow goes to her local newspaper to submit an obituary. The man behind the counter tells her it will cost $5 per word. She thinks for a moment and says "Fred's dead". The man then informs her there is a five word minimum. She' says "Okay... Fred's dead. Buick for sale".

ORSM VIDEO

Everyone Happy With Ass To Mouth

Construction Site 'Disagreement'

Murder Suspect Promotes His Mixtape

This Is SO Disgusting

Squirting Classes Are A Thing

One Legged Swordsman Is Badass

Racer Wipes Out F-ing Beautifully

Gotta Keep Your Bitch In Line!

A Bloody Good Rogering

Unlucky

WTF You Stupid Woman?!?

Stunning Electrical Meltdown

On Phone To Her Husband Whilst...

Muslims In Europe...

Cyclist Clips A Kangaroo

Cyclists Having A Windy Day

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

Well, you first gotta understand that this chicken had a hard childhood. His father left when he had yet to hatch. His mother looked after him for a few years, but she was a druggie and didn't do that great a job. Eventually she sold him into slavery in exchange for a hit.

For a few years he worked as a slave labourer on a farm just north of the border. The man who owned the farm was about as cruel and sadistic as they get, but to all outward appearances he was the model of virtue and a pillar of the community, so nobody suspected that he had seventy slave chickens working for him.

Eventually this chicken snapped and murdered the farm owner by pecking open his jugular vein. He left the farm. Shortly after the owner's family found out who killed him and put up a one million dollar bounty, payable to whoever found, tortured and killed the chicken. Fearing for his life, the chicken headed up north.

He fell in with the chicken mafia, and worked as a hitchicken and general muscle for a few years. He slowly earned enough money to rent a house and get established, although he had to keep his head down to avoid getting noticed. He met a nice hen, and they started dating.

Now, the chicken was getting tired of killing other chickens for a living. He'd been attending night school part time, and had been told by his teachers that he was real smart. They wanted to give him a scholarship to go to college overseas, even.

That never worked out, however. The chicken's girlfriend got pregnant, and he decided to stay in the country to care for the resulting chicks. He tried to quit the mafia. His bosses were not very pleased about his decision, and told him it would be a shame if anything bad happened to his family. The chicken bought a strong lock for his apartment, although he still constantly worried about his family. The chicken got a job in an office. It was mind-numbingly boring, but it paid the bills and didn't involve killing anyone.

Two years later the chicken got two strokes of bad luck. Firstly, the company was going through hard times and had decided to lay him off. Secondly, he had developed severe respiratory problems; the doctor said it had something to do with exposure to agricultural chemicals from his days as a slave. When he went home to tell his wife the bad news, he found she wasn't there. She had taken the children and left to be with another chicken.

Well, the chicken went out and got good and drunk that night. He was standing outside a bar, watching the cars streak across the nearby highway, when he thought that it would be good to die. He didn't have much to live for, and his life insurance policy would help his kids more than he ever could now. His death had to look like an accident, though.

The highway! That was it! He would get run over, and be 'accidentally' killed.

The chicken staggered out over the road, trying to position himself in front of the largest vehicle possible. They swerved around him, furiously honking their horns and yelling obscenities at him. The chicken staggered on, and before he realised it he'd crossed the road and had reached the other side.

The chicken still wasn't dead, however. He slumped to the ground, weeping bitter tears.

And THAT is why the chicken crossed the road!

36 PICS OF PEOPLE DISPLAYS AFFECTION IN PUBLIC - PDA'S!

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Previously on Orsm: PDA's #4 - PDA's #3 - PDA's #2 - PDA's #1

So there was this farmer, his son, and the only animal on their farm that survived the winter: a duck.

One day the farmer is sitting down paying off last month's heating bill when he realised that they were broke. He told his son to go into town and sell the duck for as much money that he could get.

So the boy started off to town. He came up to a prostitute that was uglier than the ass of the duck he carried in his arms. The hooker looked straight at the boy and said "The fucking begins at $10, you got $10?" The boy had no money, so he started to walk away, but the hooker stopped him and said that she would accept that duck in his hands instead of $10.

The boy gleefully accepted, so they went off and had sex.

An hour later, as the boy was leaving, the hooker pleaded that he fuck her again because it was the best fucking of her life. She offered him the duck back, and they went at it again.

Another hour passes, and the boy heads home, duck in hand. On the way, the duck gets spooked and flies from the boys hands. It flew directly into the path of an oncoming car, obliterating the duck.

The man driving gets out and apologises for the boys duck. The man hands the boy 25 dollars for his trouble and goes on his way. Later, the boy goes home and hands his father 25 dollars. The father notices that his son looks exhausted and asks him "What happened?" The boys reply was this: "I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and 25 bucks for a fucked up duck".

ORSM VIDEO

Takes It In 2 Holes Simultaneously

Fine Victim Is Very Very Angry

Speeding Dickfuck Wipes Out Horses

The Strongest Man

Good Dog Or GREAT Dog?

Retaining Wall Spectacularly Gives Way

Its A Two Man Job...

Builder Push-ups

Blonde Fucks And Gets Fucked

Third World Building Site Hoist

Croc Pops Into A Backyard Pool

Almost Saved It!!

A man is waiting in line at Grand Central Station, wanting to get back to Pennsylvania for the holidays. The line is very, very long, and he literally waits for hours. Exhausted, he reaches the front of the line, only to see the woman behind the ticket window is a gorgeous blonde woman with, quite frankly, the largest natural breasts he's ever seen.

Stunned, he blurts out "Hi, I need two pickets to Titsburgh.'

The woman looks at him, wide-eyed, not sure what he's said. The man hasn't realised a thing, and thinks she might not have heard him. He says it again, louder, not realising his mistake "I just need two pickets to Titsburgh".

This time, he hears himself, and realises what he said. The woman, convinced of what she heard, looks angrily at him.

The man is stunned, and says "I'm so sorry, I'm really tired, I just want to get home, and I just need to pickets to Titsburgh". He slaps his hand over his mouth, again stunned at what he's said. The woman is starting to call security, and the man feels doomed. Suddenly there's a touch on his elbow, from behind.

He turns around, and there's an older man, white hair, white beard, wearing a tweed jacket, with suede patches on the elbows. The man says "Son, relax, I'm a psychologist. What's happening to you is called a Freudian Slip. You mean to say one thing, but what's really on your mind comes out. In fact, it happened to me just last night. I meant to say to my wife, 'Honey, would you please pass the salt'. Instead, I accidentally said 'YOU FUCKING BITCH! YOU RUINED MY LIFE!'"

NOTHING REALLY SAYS 'I LOVE YOU' LIKE EJACULATING ON HER FACE...

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FACIALS previously on Orsm: #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1

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Practicing Her Deepthroat

Did Not See That Coming OMG

Anything You Can Do...

Groom Seems Like Bit Of A Cunt

Extreme Penetration

All Against One: Who Will Win?

Reverse Brain

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Loves The Taste Of Her Own Pussy

Man Destroys Easter In Bizarre Protest

Groom Looks... Not That Happy

Almost Has His Head Torn Off

Street Fuck In Broad Daylight

Ski Lift During A Fierce Wind Storm

Fairground Ride Collapses

Sensational Water Balloon Shot

One day, 7-year-old Little Johnny is on the playground, when he overhears two older boys talking about "Blue Velvet". Being an inquisitive sort, Little Johnny walks up to them and asks them "What's Blue Velvet?"

They proceed to kick his ass.

The recess teacher sees Little Johnny bruised, bloody, and crying. She asks him "What happened, Little Johnny?" to which he replies "Those older boys beat me up, just because I asked them what Blue Velvet is". "As well they should have!" she states. "Get your ass to the Principal's office, right now!"

Confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny goes to the Principal's office.

"Now son, just what happened?" "Well, sir, two older boys beat me up, and then the recess teacher sent me to you, all because I asked what Blue Velvet is". "Little Johnny, you are expelled. Get the hell out of my school!"

Expelled, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders home at midday. His mother answers the door, exclaiming "What happened?!" "I was beat up, yelled at, and expelled from school, all for asking what "Blue Velvet" is". Little Johnny's Mother slams the door in his face. From behind the closed door she yells "You're never welcome in this home again!"

Homeless, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders along Main Street wondering what to do, when a Policeman pulls up. "Get in" he says. Little Johnny does so, and as they start driving, the Policeman asks what happened. "Well, sir, I got beat up, yelled at, expelled from school, and thrown out of my home, all because I wanted to know what Blue Velvet is".

The Policeman brings the car to a screeching halt, and throws Little Johnny out, saying "You are no longer welcome in this town. Don't let me catch you around here again!"

Banished, homeless, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders the highway on the edge of town, when a trucker pulls over and motions him into the cab.

As they drive away, the Trucker asks what happened. "Well, sir, I got beat up, yelled at, expelled, thrown out of my home, and banished from my town, all for asking what Blue Velvet is".

"Is that so?" says the Trucker. "Well, hell, I can tell you what Blue Velvet is". "Really?"

"Sure". The Trucker stops the truck. "See that Hotel over there on the other side of the Highway? If you go into that Hotel, go up to the Third Floor, walk down the hallway, and knock on the second door on the right, there's a woman in there who can tell you exactly what Blue Velvet is".

"Gee, Thanks, Mister!" replies Little Johnny, smiling for the first time all day.

Little Johnny jumps down out of the truck and runs across the Highway when *BAM* he is hit by a car and killed instantly.

The moral of the story? Always look both ways before crossing the street.

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Oh Well At Least She Looked Back

Motorist Runs To Save An Old Man

Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

So, a man is in the hospital, waiting for his wife to give birth. He's pacing back in forth in the waiting room, waiting for the birth to be over, when suddenly the doctor bursts into the room.

"Sir! Sir! Come with me! I have amazing news!"

The man rushes into the operating room with the doctor. The doctor snatches the baby out of the bassinet and holds it up. "Sir. It's unbelievable, but your baby CAN FLY!"

The doctor holds the baby over his head and tosses it up into the air. The new father watches in horror as his newborn collides with the floor, making a sick, wet thud.

"YOU SICK BASTARD!" he shouts. "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

"No, I swear it. It's phenomenal! Just watch!" says the doctor. He lifts the baby again. He winds up and gives it another throw. This time, it bounces off the wall and then hits the floor, leaving a bloody smear on the wall.

"OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!" shouts the new father, aghast at the doctor's behaviour and the trauma he's witnessing.

"Trust me, sir! It's simply amazing!" says the doctor. He opens a window and hurls the baby out where it plummets nine stories and punches a baby-shaped hole in the roof of a bus.

"YOU SONOFABITCH! YOU KILLED MY BABY!" screams the father.

"Meh. Don't worry about it. It came out dead" says the doctor.

I WANT THAT SIDE BOOB SO DAMN MUCH!

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Previously on Orsm: SIDE BOOB #5 - SIDE BOOB #4 - SIDE BOOB #3 - SIDE BOOB #2 - SIDE BOOB #1

A teenage boy takes a quadriplegic girl on a date to dinner and the movies. At the end of the night out, he drives her back home and they start making out in his car. He tells the girl he feels uncomfortable doing this where her parents could come outside and catch them in the act. She says not to worry because she has a place they can go.

So he helps her in her chair and she tells him to wheel her into the backyard. When they get in the back, she shows him a huge weeping willow tree that they can hide under and says he can do whatever he wants to her.

Under the tree, she shows him two branches that can prop her up and he has his way with her.

When they finish, he dresses himself and her, puts back into her chair, wheels her to the front door, and knocks.

When her father sees the young man, he thanks him. The boy feels very uncomfortable because of what he just did to the man's daughter and asks "Why are you thanking me?" "Because son" the father answers "You're the first boy to take her out of the tree".

RANDOM SHITE

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OLDER SHITE: 9th March - 2nd March - 23rd February - 16th February - 9th February - 2nd February - 26th January

A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard.

"I'm lost" said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly" the Chinese man said "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man". "OK" said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest". "Well, that's pretty crappy" he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about".

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle". In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost".

DENIM IS VERSATILE BUT ONLY SOME ARE TRULY BORN TO WEAR JEANS

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Previously on Orsm: BORN TO WEAR JEANS #2 - BORN TO WEAR JEANS #1

BOYCOTTING THE USA

Muslim immigrants are boycotting the USA by the thousands, showing their outrage with Donald Trump's proposed law of stopping all further Muslim immigrants till they can clearly check who they are.

In the small town of Guadalupe, AZ, south of Phoenix, Mohammed Abad is one of those who is punishing the U.S.A. by leaving. As he loaded his stolen car with his stolen belongings, four wives and fourteen children, the 21 year old Mohammed Abad told a reporter through an interpreter: "It's a matter of principle. I refuse to be supported by a state that treats me like a criminal!"

The effects of the exodus are being felt by American retailers, who are reporting dwindling sales of Halal certified products and goat meat. Also hit hard are the state hospitals, which have reported a dramatic decline in births and emergency room visits.

Mohammed Abad told a reporter through an interpreter that he and his family are moving to Australia, where the government will pay for everything, where hard working people, through their taxes, will support him and his family with dignity.

LETTTTTTT'S GET READY TO STEPHANIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

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PREVIOUS SOLO GIRLS: STEPHANIE - IVY - NANCE - ALANIS - JANE - JUSTINE - LENA - MASHA - OLIVE - DARIA

ORSM VIDEO

Marvellous Titties And Ass

Stripper Dwarves Rocking The Club

Unsuccessfully Pulls Out A Stump

Robbery Foiled By A Badass

Curvy Grinding And Shaking

How Fit Girls Emerge From Water

Boy Vs Horse: Who Will Win?

When You Cant Afford A Ferrari...

Married Couple Make A Sextape

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They Save A Stuck Snake

Delivery Guy Gives Zero Fucks

Well...

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives for all the everything ever again.
-Next update will be next Thursday. COCK!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will crush you. Not in a fun, joking way either. Ray is so fat that the Enterprise depleted all its dilithium supply trying to move him with its tractor beam.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stay off the lawn. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Welcome to redheads have stinky motors.

I almost started by saying it'd been another quiet week however hasn't been the case at all. I blame lack of sleep and everyone but myself...

My mission to offload as much unused used furniture through selling sites like Gumtree and Facebook has been all-encompassing. This has been going for a while now although only in the past week has there been success. If they make a Million Dollar Listing Australia I'm a shoo-in. Have managed to offload a desk, bedside tables, *finally* someone committed to buying the treadmill meaning we just need to find a cheapskate to buy the baby cot. You'd think a cot in excellent condition with all the bits advertised for $100 wouldn't attract many/any lowballs? Its already horrendously cheap to ensure a fast sale yet sure enough "Would you accept $40?". Cunts.

Ultimately Saturday and Sunday were two very long days of dragging stuff to the garage, cleaning and polishing it up, assembling and disassembling, taking pics, posting online and dealing with enquiries. Add to that a whole lot of kid duty with the GF called into work over and over, some gardening, some sweltering humidity and by the end of it I was utterly fuckered.

Monday was a public holiday which is fantastic for most people but I had an update to get happening... which was a shame because a seriously annoying browser hijacker [virus] smashed my PC. Fucking thing took half a day to completely remove. Of course while that was happening and frustration levels were rising, the front door fell off its hinges. Like literally fell off and could've fucked someone up [it's a big door] or if nothing else, let any rando waltz in. Fixed that. Back to the update. Next the guy rolls by to collect the desk except he's injured and needs me to load it in his tiny car.

The day kept going that way so by the time I got anything substantial done was in the evening. Eventually made it to bed around 1am... an hour later our phones started ringing. We've had a GF's cousin living with us for 4 or 5 months now. She's basically the perfect house guest - helpful, respectful, responsible, doesn't drink, smoke, take drugs or put a foot wrong ever. She's one of the few people in the world who I'm happy to share a house with. Annnnnnyway, her friends had her phone. They'd brought her home blind drunk and needed help to move her off the front lawn to inside. There was a lot of vomiting, some crying and it was all kinds of hilarious but no one got much sleep. The tiny bit I did nab resulted in a serious crick in my neck so the nights since have been a painful debacle. So yep - I'm tired but can at least say I've had far worse weeks. Can't ask for much more than that... well I could and wouldn't get it which'd be annoying and make it a bad week sooo...

Could probably just skip right to the update after all that... or post a bunch of jokes instead. Have a read of them while you decide which you prefer. Check it...

I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That's 7 years in a row now.
--
This guy goes into a whorehouse and tells the mistress he wants to eat out a girl for the first time. She sends him up and he meets this deadly blonde chick. She whips down her pants and he starts licking her twat. Minutes later he feels something in his mouth and spits out a corn niblet. Thinking this is normal, as he has never done it before continues eating her out. Minutes pass and he finds a piece of carrot in his mouth. Still thinking this is normal he continues. Soon after he finds a piece of meat and stands up. "Excuse me miss, but are you sick?" She looks at him and replies "No, but the last guy was!"
--
A man was driving down an Alaskan road and his car broke down. He phoned the Alaskan Mobile Fixit Service and they arrived shortly after. He service man opened the bonnet and after a while the repair man said "It looks like you've blown a seal". The man replies "No, it's just frost on my moustache".
--
A guy who married this woman. Unfortunately, his dick was too small, so every time they had sex he used a pickle instead of his dick. For seven years he has been doing that. One night his wife suspect that something is wrong so while they are having sex she quickly threw the cover and turned on the lights! So the woman said "What the hell is that, are you using a pickle on me. I am shocked, and for seven years you have been doing that, you piece of shit". So the man said "Shut the fuck up! It's been seven years and I never asked where the hell those kids came from!"
--
A large, powerfully-built guy named Raymond meets a woman named Polly at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, Raymond stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, Raymond flexes his muscular arms and says "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" Polly begins to drool. Raymond then drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" Polly is just aching for action at this point. Finally, Raymond drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, Polly grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. Raymond catches her before she is able to leave and asks "Why are you in such a hurry to go?" Polly then replies "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"
--
A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it. Realising his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen!"
--
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?" she blurts "What makes them so special?" "There is three colours" he replies "Gold, Silver and Bronze". "What colour are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily. "Gold of course" says the man proudly. The wife responds really "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"
--
A young male virgin, a shy college freshman, was lucky enough to have a roommate who was considerably more experienced with the opposite sex. When the bashful boy broke down and explained his predicament, his roommate offered to set him up with the campus floozy. "Just take her out to dinner and a show, and then let nature take its course" he explained. "This girl really knows how to go from there". The roommate arranged the date as promised, and the freshman took the co-ed out for a delightful evening of dining and dancing. On the way home, he parked his car in a dark lane, broke out in shakes and a cold sweat and blurted out: "God, I sure would like to have a little pussy". "I would, too" the girl sighed. "Mine's the size of a bucket!"

Get Schwifty32 Rick And Morty Memes To Help You Get Schwifty And Laugh Your Ass Off- Killer AssWoman Ends Up Topless On Brazilian Game Show After Going Down Water Slide - Classic Rock‘Interstellar Overdrive’ - The Night Frank Zappa Jammed With Pink Floyd At A Music Festival In 1969 - Enhanced ToeFrench QVC Channel Criticized For Selling Shorts That Accentuate Camel Toe Look - Town BikeUsually It's A Good Thing If Everyone Gets Laid At A Party... But Not When They All Fucked The Same Chubby STD Collector. - Perfect TanEducational TV Show In Brazil Teaches How To Create Perfect Tan Lines With Tape - NOPE!!!Insurance Scam? Girl Lets Friends Break Her Leg - She's 18?!This Talented 18-Year-Old Woman Is Already Adulting At An Extremely High Level - SensationalSexy Black Babe Dancing - U PotatoWhen You Try To Corner Like A Stormtrooper On A Speeder

IncorrectHow Muslim Women Wash Their Kitchen - Deliberate SlipFarrah Abraham Boob Slip At Bathing Suit Photoshoot - Skanky AFBritish Reality Star Jemma Lucy Walking Topless On An Amazing Beach Somewhere In The Caribbean! - Hipster TitsGrace Hartzel By Terry Richardson - Hipster Model Tits - Revenge..?Cheated Girl Gets A Different Kind Of Revenge - Banging TeensTeens Love Money: The Hardcore Compilation - Amaza-BJAlabama Bombshell Is A Pro At Sucking Cock... And Thankfully Eating Cum Is What Really Makes Her Happy :-) - Teens DefiledLola Melnick And Her Cute Teen Friend Get Their Asses Pounded! - Butts #76Phun Butts Gallery #76

Tight PussyTightest Pussy He's Ever Seen... Was She Worth A $6000 Vacation? Oh Hell Yea! - Wife ShareWife Can't Believe She's Fucking A Young Stud - On CockTalk About Over Achieving... This Chick's Got Some Balls Squatting On The Monster. - Full NudeBeate Muska Is The Future. If You’re Going To Work Your Way To Being The Next Victoria’s Secret Girl, You Might As Well Do It Through Nude Shoots! - Love HerMeet Your New Obsession For The Week - Phun LulzFunny Pictures DCXLVI - Playboy BabeHailey Lynzz Is An Model Who’s Decided To Step It Up And Pose For Playboy! She Looks Great. Her Boobs Look Great. Her Ass Looks Great. Her Vagina Looks Great. All The Qualities You Need To Be A Good Nude Model! - BralessCatrinel Menghia Braless In See Through Evening Gown - SpectacularTwo People Are Dead After A Train Crashed - Busted UpWoman's Leg In An A Painful Position.

A woman walked into a very busy butcher's shop. Looking at meats and poultry on display, she suddenly grabbed hold of a dressed chicken, she picked up one wing, sniffed it, picked up the other wing and sniffed it, picked up one leg, sniffed it, picked up the other leg, sniffed it. Just as she finished sniffing the second leg, the butcher walked up to her and said "Madam, could -you- pass such a test?"
--
Business was good at the local whorehouse and the madam decided to partition one of larger rooms. After the work was complete the carpenter asked for payment but was put off. After several weeks he still hadn't been paid and he regularly threatened "Pay me or I'll rip out the partition". Finally the madam offered to pay him in trade. "Take any girl in the house and have your pleasure with her". "I'll take you". "Me? I'm an old lady. Take one of those young, good looking chicks". "I want you". So he took her upstairs and removed all her clothes, laid her on her back and put one finger in her pussy and one finger in her butt. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I told you before. Pay me or I'll rip out the partition".
--
Two women walked into a department store, stopped at the perfume counter and picked up a sample bottle. One sprayed the perfume on her wrist and smelled it. "That's nice, isn't it?" Sharon said waving her arm under her friend's nose. "Yeah. What's it called?" "Viens a moi". "Viens a moi? What's that mean?" A clerk offered some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me.'" Sharon took another sniff. "That doesn't smell like come to me" she said, offering her arm to her friend again... "Does that smell like come to you?"

ORSM VIDEO

Very. Hot. Fucking.

Steals A Car From Busy Workshop

How To Beat A Parking Ticket

Helicopter Flies Without Blades Moving

TV Host Likes To Do It Nude

Airplane Is A Disgusting Health Risk

Drive By Shooters Miss!?

Cook Can Do His Job Blindfolded

Wakes Him Up To Get The Dick

King Crab Devour An Octopus

Expresses His True Feelings

Good Coach Or Bad Sport?

OMG Giant Kit Kat!!

SUCK SHIT ASSHOLE!

What?! Why!? Noooo!!

Spectacular Crash After Losing Control

COMMON MISCONCEPTIONS

Like probably everyone reading this, I'm far too smart to have any misconceptions. After all I've only ever been wrong once - the time I thought I was wrong. Obviously I wasn't.

-Alcohol may make your skin feel warm, but this apparent heatwave is deceptive. A nip or two actually causes your blood vessels to dilate, moving warm blood closer to the surface of your skin, making you feel warmer temporarily. At the same time, however, those same veins pumping blood closer to the skins surface causing you to lose core body heat. In others words, alcohol wont warm you up.

-Despite the tiny eyes and nocturnal lifestyle, none of the roughly 1,100 bat species are blind.

-Dropping a penny from a tall building will not kill you. A penny only weighs about a gram and it tumbles as it falls. Because of the tumbling and the light weight, there's so much air resistance that the penny never really gathers that much speed before it hits its terminal velocity. A gram of weight travelling at a relatively slow speed might hurt a little if it hit you on the head, but it's not going to kill you.

-Handling a baby bird won't make its mother reject it. Most birds have a very poor sense of smell, so in most cases are unable to even notice human scent on baby bird.

-Unlike what you see in sci-fi movies, there is no fire in outer space. Fire needs oxygen to exist, and there is no oxygen in space.

-There is no rule that states you have to wait 24 hours before reporting a missing person. The person will be recorded as missing and their details made available to other police forces within 48 hours.

-While many believe that de-oxygenated blood is blue, it is actually a myth because human blood is always red - although the level of redness does differ depending on how oxygenated it is.

-Sailors used the North Star, Polaris, for navigation not because of its brightness, but because it's the only star that does not appear to move over night. Polaris is not a single star, but is a triple-star system. It doesn't even top 10 of the brightest stars in our night sky.

-Goldfish can actually remember more than 3 seconds. They can be trained to respond various ways to certain colours of light, different kinds of music and other sensory cues.

-As with any exercise after eating, swimming right after a big meal might be uncomfortable, but it won't cause you to drown. However, it is good advice to stay out of the pool right after a big meal as the digestive process does divert the circulation of the blood towards the gut and to a certain extent, away from the muscles, meaning swimming could feel harder.

-When the sun reaches the end of its life in about 4 billion years, it will not explode. It will slowly expand and eventually swallow Earth in the process.

-It is a proven fact that bulls only see blues and yellow. They only react to the red cape because of the movements that flutter around.

-There is no concrete evidence that says eating more chocolate can cause pimples.

-Many believe shaving body hair makes it grow back quicker but shaving hair doesn't change its thickness, colour or rate of growth. Shaving facial or body hair simply gives the hair a blunt tip which might feel coarse or 'stubbly' for a period of time as it grows out.

-Twinkies do not have an infinite shelf life like most believe. It's about 45 days.

-Frankenstein was not the monster. It was the name of the monster's creator.

-Waking a sleepwalker won't cause them any physical harm but could leave them startled or disoriented which is why many people believe it is best not to disturb them.

-Albert Einstein didn't fail maths at school but he did fail an entry exam to a school. In fact, he actually excelled at mathematics throughout his schooling and even considered becoming a mathematician for a time.

-Salty water doesn't boil quicker than unsalted. Salt water requires more exposure to the heat in order to boil than plain water, so the boiling point is elevated and the time it takes to get the water to boil increases.

-The adult housefly can live up to one month in the wild, not 24 hours as is believed.

-Despite what TV has taught us, small meteorites are cold when they hit Earth - in fact many are found with frost on them. Not quite the soldiering fireball we thought. A meteorite has been in the near zero temperature of space for billions of years, so the interior of it is very cold. A meteor's great speed is enough to melt its outside layer, but any molten material will be quickly blown off, and the interior of the meteor does not have time to heat up because rocks are poor conductors of heat.

-Eating cheese before bed gives you nightmares? Cheese is believed to give you more emotionally charged dreams but not necessarily nightmares.

-Going out in the cold with wet hair will make you catch a cold is nothing more than an old wives' tale.

Enjoy a good common misconception? You can find more of these in the Orsm Archives here.

30 GIRLS WHO KNOW THE POINT OF HAVING WINDOWS...

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Previously on Orsm: WINDOW FLASHING #1

Three blokes enter a disabled swimming contest.

The first has no arms the second no legs and the third has no body, just a head.

They all line up, the whistle blows and *splash* they're all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first.

He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue the head guy. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts "Three goddamn years I've spent learning to swim with my goddamn ears, then five seconds before the whistle, some bastard puts a swimming cap on me!"

ORSM VIDEO

Sweet POV Reverse Cowgirl

Look At These Animals Catch A Train

What A Fucking Champion!!

Don't Invade My Privacy!!

Impressed By Her Boob Control

Everything Is Easier When You're...

She Freaks Out Swimming With Sharks

Busier Than A 1 Armed Man In A...

Squirming Whilst Being Eaten Out

Singer Covers The 5th Element Diva

Not Everyone Can Ski Lift

Jail Will Kill You

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today! You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession".

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop" says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!" said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen" said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!" said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

ASIAN GIRLS... ARE SPICY!

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ASIAN BABES previously on Orsm: #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1

Why is MyFreeCams.com one of the most awesome websites in the history of forever? Firstly, there are hundreds of hot models online at any given time AND you can watch their live webcam feed in HQ with sound AND chat. Secondly, you don't need a credit card or have to install any dodgy software - it's all absolutely free! And finally, why do I sound so fucking excited? Because MyFreeCams really is that brilliant. Click here to check it out now!

ORSM VIDEO

Pigtails Goddess Showing Off

Vandal Doesn't Give A Single Fuck

PD Attack Brought Under Control

90yo In The Gym Is Kicking Ass

Two Dancing Girls Are Sensational

Huge Chunk Of Mountain Gives Way

Avalanche Stops Metres Away

Snow Clearing The Easy Way

Bangs An Expensive Escort

Bagels Are Huge Troublemakers

Thanks GOOGLE!

Crane Goes Over Without Warning

Sickfuck Mandrill Rubs One Out

Druggo Beat Boxer Is Surprisingly Good

What AT&T Predicted In 1993

Dad Needs To Harden The Fuck Up

A man is telling a story... "I was playing golf, and even though I am usually a pretty good player, I was playing horribly that day. As I was about to tee off at the fourth hole I heard a voice say "three wood". I looked around and no one was behind me so I took my stance. Then once again I heard "three wood". I looked down and there was a frog at the corner of the tee box, and he was telling me to use my three wood. I thought it was stupid but I was playing so badly that I thought nothing could hurt me so I took out my three wood. It was a long par four, and I hit the ball straight 250 yards with that three wood. Since the frog seemed to be lucky I picked him up and took him along with me. At the next whole he told me to use my five iron. It was a par three and I got my first hole in one ever. I made a least a birdie on all the rest of the holes, and all I had to do was listen to that frog.

That night I took the frog to the casino in my hotel. We played Roulette. I put my money where the frog said and won on every spin of the wheel. After that I was tired so I went up to bed. I took the frog out of my pocket and put it on the dresser. Suddenly it looked at me and said "Kiss me". Now I wasn't about to kiss a frog, but he said it again. So I kissed the frog and he turned into the most beautiful girl you have ever seen in your entire life. And that your Honor is how that fourteen year old girl ended up in my hotel room".

BIG BOOBS ARE ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT!

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BIG BOOBS previously on Orsm: #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1

ORSM VIDEO

Slides Her Lips Up And Down It

Robs A Restaurant With A Banana

Ahh CHOOOO... LOL!

Driver Horrifically Killed

Signs Your Night Out Is Ending Badly

Most Fun You Can Have In A Jeep

Gator On The Move With Lunch

Lay's For When You Aren't Hungry...

Fingerbangs A Sweet Orgasm

Instant Regret When The Pain Starts

Turkey Behaviour Is Just Bizarre

Attacked And Hauled Off By A Ghost

Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counselling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the counsellor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 100 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 then 10 then 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counsellor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.

Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counsellor spoke to the husband "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays".

A GALLERY OF ATHLETES YOU WOULD DEFINITELY BONE

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Previously on Orsm: SEXY ATHLETES #3 - SEXY ATHLETES #2 - SEXY ATHLETES #1

An elderly couple came back from a wedding one afternoon and were in a pretty romantic mood.

While sitting on their loveseat, the elderly woman looked at her companion and said "I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had". The old man feeling a bit obliged leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek.

Then she said "I also remember when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity". The old man again feeling obligated reached over and gently placed his hand on hers.

The elderly woman then stated "I also remember when you used to nibble on my neck and send chills down my spine". This time, the old man had a blank stare on his face and started to get up off the couch. As he began to walk out of the living room, his wife asked "Was it something I said, where are you going?" The old man looked at her and replied "I'm going in the other room to get my teeth!"

RANDOM SHITE

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OLDER SHITE: 2nd March - 23rd February - 16th February - 9th February - 2nd February - 26th January - 19th January

One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered. "Union Station" answered the woman. "You got it" he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?" The driver replies "Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare".

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said "Does this answer your question?" Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked "Got anything smaller?"

THE SEPARATION EFFECT

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Previously on Orsm: SEPARATION EFFECT #3 - SEPARATION EFFECT #2 - SEPARATION EFFECT #1

THOUGHTS ON AGING

-You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
-You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling and you didn't do anything the night before.
-The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
-Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
-It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
-You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
-Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
-When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.
-You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.
-Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.
-You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
-The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
-Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?
-You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
-Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
-By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
-A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
-You know you're into middle age when you realise that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

here's some moisty named IVY getting nude and doing stuff we like

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PREVIOUS SOLO GIRLS: NANCE - ALANIS - JANE - JUSTINE - LENA - MASHA - OLIVE - DARIA - CHARLOTTE - RITA

ORSM VIDEO

Sexy Dance? Don't Mind If You Do!

Extreme Pimping Has Taken Place

What Should I Do With My Booger...?

I Don't See What The Problem Is?

Dad Is ALWAYS Smarter

How To Break Both Ankles

Mum Caught And Embarrassed

Impossible To Care Less

Webcams Are A Privilege Not A Right

Never Seen It Done Like This Before

Racer Driver Is Stoked

Pug Got Itself Stuck In The Toilet

Well...

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Check it to wreck it, let's begin
-Next update will be next Thursday, the 75th day of the year, the 11th update of the year.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray who is humungously overweight, will crush you. Ray is so fat that "you're so fat" insults to him are like water off a really, really, really, really fat ducks back.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and whatever you do, DON'T VOTE GREENS. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Welcome to the cumshots are absolutely real. The porn is fake.

It's been a relatively uneventful week. Really very little worth mentioning... so I'll do it anyway. Besides a drunken boys night out and breakfast with mates I haven't managed to get out of the house all that much. Instead, people have come to us. Felt like there was someone over or around for the whole weekend. Probably a good thing because too many dickheads out there. Sure, there's too many dickheads in here but it's my house and they have to do what I say. Ha who am I kidding? No one does what I say.

My most amusing encounter came driving along one morning when a coffee van pulled out on me. Not exactly drive it like you stole it but if he did have a fresh coffee, it definitely got spilt. Okay so I didn’t have to jam the brakes on to avoid hitting him however braking was required... so I did what any self-respecting king of the road [read: world} would and tailgated him. Wholeheartedly admit I'm an aggressive and spiteful driver... but you have to be for so-so-so many reasons. The people of this fine city all lead VERY important lives. Their time is MUCH more valuable than anyone else's. They have to be somewhere NOW. In other words, Perth drivers are rude, selfish cunts. Why in the world would you wait for traffic to clear when they can just brake? Don’t you know who I am!??! Annnnyway I pulled up next to the coffee man at the next set of lights. He looked across... and shook his head at me. I smiled and nodded. Gotta admit I've wondered what his version of the story could possibly be? "Fuckwit tailgated. Perth drivers are rude, selfish cunts".

Happy to report that after three months of restricted breathing it is finally back to normal. Three fucking months of being unable to take a deep/satisfying/full breath. Like someone is sitting on my chest. Any idea how frustrating that gets? Kind of like asthma but not asthma. Hello anxiety. Helloooo am I dying? Saw the doctor a few times. More or less useless. Blood test, blood pressure and whatever all fine. Ventolin made no diff. Various medications made little diff. Chopped various things out of my diet. Ate more protein. Less fat. No alcohol or carbonated drinks. Reduced sugar. All no noticeable diff. NO spicy food. NO coffee. :-( Three fucking months of limited exercise. Was beginning to think it was just going to be like this now.

And then I reduced my dairy intake. The exact opposite of what I'd been doing. Holy shit I love dairy products. Ever tried to consume less dairy? It's hard - there's moo juice in anything worth eating. Sure enough though, as less went in things began to right themselves. Only wish I'd realised it sooner - have been nailed with the stupid breathing thing once or twice a year for YEARS. Never for more than a week or two max though. Have even blogged about it and got all sorts of theories from you guys. Never once did I make a dairy connection. So what now? Obviously no way I'm eliminating it from my life but will at least be more mindful. No big glasses of milk and back to espresso shots only. Hopefully whatever has built up in my body [Casein? Cow hormones?] will begin to drop and I'll be less sensitive. Also never thought I would admit it but almond milk isn’t THAT bad...!!

Moving on. I've managed to get a monumental amount of update related stuff done which is actually a relief. We recently sat down and worked out what's ahead. There's a bunch of significant family, extended fam and friend events like babies, birthdays, celebrations and that sort of shit. In my mind it screams as being an OTT expensive 12 months. To pay for them both in time and money people will have to, you know, work. So that’s what that’s about. First up there's a fishing trip in April. So that’s an update which needs forethought. Want to take a few weeks paternity leave in May. Talk of heading south for a mates 40th in July. Then need to find a couple of weeks for an Asia holiday too. Pretty soon you need a holiday because you're stressed from working so hard to take fucking holidays. Hmm.

Okay let's get on with the update. Hard to say what you guys will enjoy the most. With 68 new videos, a shit load of images, hilarious jokes, copious nudity, gigantic archives and so much more it's probably doesn’t really need selling right? Check it...

Barn Find FTWLost Bob Marley Live Tapes Discovered & Restored After Spending 40 Years In A Damp Basement - No Smoking!Engine Failure Fills Jet Blue Cabin With Smoke - Free Pablo!Narcos Season 3 On Netflix “The Blow Must Go On!” Release Dates, Spoilers, Cast, Trailers & More - Fart KINGThe King Of All Fart Jokes - LOL JapanHe May Be Smaller Than A Fourth Grader But This Little Nigga Is Huge In Japan Right Now. His Name Koheynishi, He's 23 And He Shoots, Directs And Even Stars In His Own Line Of Jav Titles. - FINALLYThe Man Who Made This Is A Tech-Wizard - Silly CuntAwesome Skater Trick... Too Bad He Could Only Perform It Once. - ObnoxiousWhen The Two Worst People On The Train Get Into It - Drunk FailYeahhhh, That Was A Third Floor Window - Dem ButtsEnjoy This Butt Load Of Butts Courtesy Of Our Mates At Phun

Still Hot AF!Busty Legend Petra Verkaik Is Stripping Out Of A Long Black Dress! I’m Trying To Come Up With A Good Way To Describe Her Boobs But I’m Just Hyperventilating... - Quality BodHere’s Esme Bianco, Who Is Known As Ros From Game Of Thrones, Posing Topless! - Flute VaginaGirls Playing Flute With Their Vaginas - Fat AttackShooting A Fat Man At A Hot Dog Stand? That Ain't Right - Brain DamageIdiot Gives Himself Brain Damage - Cum TargetInnocent Young Blonde Gets Her Holes Filled - TittypocalypseHere's A Simply Brilliant Gallery Of The Biggest Boobs You Can Find On The Web - Teen FucktoyUniform Amateur Sucking Old Mans Dick - ShootoutMan Shot Dead During An Argument Inside Gas Station In Georgia

Pizza ToolA Day In The Life Of A Pizza Tool - 3 Things3 Things That Never Belong In A Girl's Ass - Beach BabesI Don’t Know Who Charlie Newman Or Julia Almendra, But Apparently They Are Models And This Is Some Shoot For Some Fashion Brand…That I Am Loving... - Sexy BitchThis Girl Has One Fucking Gorgeous Body And Doesn't Mind Showing It Off To Her Boyfriend. Sigh. Better Grab The Lotion... - Brazil BootyBrazilian Booty Jade Jantzen Takes A Huge Load - Killer BewbsBikini Candids Of Charlotte McKinney Hanging Out At The Beach In Miami! Pretty Damn Good! - Off ChopsMeet High As Fuck Miguel. Miguel Was Shot Today, But The Bullet Flew Through His Cheek - Funny PixFunny Pictures DCXXX - StunningAshley James Nipples In See Through Burgundy Dress - Deaf DearMaybe This Deer Knows Something We Don't

Two men are sitting in the doctor's office. The one looks at the other one and says "What are you here for?" The man replied "I have a red ring around my pecker. What are you here for?" The other man said "I have a green ring around my pecker". The doctor called the man with the red ring first in his office and examined him. As he was walking out he told the other guy it was no problem. The doctor called the man in with the green ring around his pecker and examined him. The doctor says "Your pecker is gonna fall off and you are gonna die". The man says "What?? You told the man with the red ring he was okay, but I'm gonna die??" The doctor said "Yes but there's a lot of difference lipstick and gangrene!"
--
A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your cunt?" "Fuck off, no you can't smell my cunt!" the woman yells back at him "Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused "it must be your feet then".
--
There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down. "How did you get on tonight, dear?" asked her mother. "Not too good" replied the daughter. "I only got $20 for a blow job". "Wow!" said the mother "In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!" "Good God!" said the Grandmother. "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"

ORSM VIDEO

All The Way To Pound Town

Warning: Don't Abuse Inhalants

Workers Caught Some Gypsies LOL

Little Dude Lost His Fish

Wild Rio Carnival After Party

Guy Jumps Into An Oil Pit

Girl Firing A Mini Gun Wow

Skydiver Loses Consciousness

Slender Blonde Receives Couch Cock

Who Is Handling Who?

Sumo KTFO In Record Time

Incredible NYC Subway Singer

Do Not Touch My Butt!

Linesman Got Fucking Fried

Meatgasm Imminent

Poor Fish Is Going To Be Bloated

TINDER DATING DEBACLES

There's really only two times anyone is grateful to be in a relationship. 1) when there is penis touching involved. 2) when you hear about what some people go through on Tinder and dating in general. The problem is getting in a relationship in the first place because you can't have one without doing the other. Oh the humanity. That may sound pessimistic but it's completely and utterly 100% true. Ask these poor mofo's...

-Someone once started a conversation with "dominate me" which I thought was a bit much. Another woman had a Tinder account just to look for another woman to have a threesome with her boyfriend. There are a lot of sex fiends out there. Use caution when you swipe right, kids.

-My friend, bless her heart, she's got so many Tinder stories. Once a guy wanted to bring his mom on the first date. Another bragged about stealing money from his kid sister's piggy bank, and yet my friend still had to pay for his dinner. Another was a guy on house arrest who, after a few times hanging out, turned into a total monster and would not stop harassing her and basically verbally abusing her. She ended up blocking him. I love her, but I worry about her sometimes.

-My friends signed me up to Tinder and after a week of chatting to a tall, dark, handsome guy, we agreed to meet up. I waited outside the bar expecting the same hunk I'd seen in his pics. To my horror, a man with a filthy mop of shoulder-length hair, a stained t-shirt and a floor-length silver coat, and his opening line in a thick Yorkshire accent was "Ya alright, sorry I'm late, just been round 'corner to take out a mortgage, gonna need one to be able to afford this date". Feeling too awkward to make an escape, I followed him inside the bar. He ordered a beer and I asked for a cocktail, to which he commented "Of course you do, typical of a girl like you. Don't you work in fashion?" Feeling a little taken aback I replied "Yes" to which he retorted "and don't you think that's a bit immoral, that whole industry is corrupt". Five more minutes of awkward and somewhat aggressive conversation followed, during which he told me about his day spent drinking since 11am and how he worked on oil rigs at sea often not seeing a woman for months on end. Finally, the lovely guy next to me smiled and asked if I was OK. I jokingly shook my head with wide eyes which seemed to anger my date: "Oh typical... typical girl, presumes that everyone fancies her" WHAT?! This was the last straw. "I need to go" I said to him even though I knew we had been in the bar for only 15 minutes. I didn't care. I ordered the bill and once he was trapped with his card in the machine, I ran.

-I met this guy on Tinder and we had a couple really fun dates. I was pretty into him, so on our third date, I decided I wanted to have sex with him. He took me out for a really nice date and then he invited me back to his place for a glass of wine. One thing led to another and we started making out on his couch, fully clothed. But this lasted FOREVER. I was ready to go, if you know what I mean... I didn't want to make out the whole night. So I decided to take matters into my own hands and I took off all of my clothes. Then he sits up, still fully clothed, and looks at me, and says "I can't have sex with you, I have a STD". Possibly most awkward moment of my life. I tried to be super nice about it, but I promptly got dressed and left.

-Started seeing a girl off Tinder. It was going well for about two weeks and thought she was pretty cool. Then things started getting weird. She used to always joke about killing me. I thought it was okay the first few times but then it got annoying. I told her to stop and she kept doing it. I don't know if it was because she thought it was funny that it freaked me out or what. Anyways told me she has a shotgun in her room. Yikes. Long story short I told her I didn't want to see her anymore. She didn't like that. For the next three weeks she's absolutely hounding me. Calls me constantly, shows up at my work asking for me, keeps coming over to my apartment. She actually knocked on my door for 30 minutes. When I didn't answer she went around back and started knocking on my bedroom window. Got really concerned for a while but eventually she gave up.

-I'm slightly on the large side and I don't try to hide it. So I was talking to a nice guy on Tinder and we hit it off straight away. We met up at a bar, he saw me and the first words he said to me were "Oh, I didn't know you were fat". I turned around and walked out.

-Showed up to the restaurant, waited about 30 minutes. Ordered myself some food and was about to leave when he texted me: "There's a liquor store across the street from the restaurant, can you pick me up 2 six packs?" I told him I wouldn't. He says he's decided to play Frisbee with his dog instead. Deleted app, went to liquor store, picked up wine and went home. He texted me for a month or so after to tell me he's just bought tickets to see me dance (I'm a retired ballerina, haven't been in anything for a few years). Then he texts me an hour after and tells me how great I was on stage. I never responded".

-Tinder date with a "famous" chef where I was taken to a dive bar, where he promptly starting talking about how famous he was. We drank and watched sports, he proceeded to tell me "You're cute" and this eventually went to "I am going to make you bleed". He then invited one of his friends to come along. I went outside and he came up to kiss me. I was drunk, so I kissed back. Eventually he proceeded to tell me how he was "being charged with battering his ex-girlfriend, but he totally didn't do it". Eventually when it came time to pay the bill "he lost his wallet". Of course, I get stuck with it. "I'll pay you back". Needless to say I never got a payment. Then he leaned up against me. I thought he was trying to kiss me again, but I looked down, and he was peeing on me. In the street. Peeing. On. Me. I swiftly, being too inebriated to drive, went and got myself a hotel room and a hot shower. Never again.

-Went on a date with a guy. He seemed nice enough. Met up a few days later at my place to have a TV marathon. We had the sexy time... it had been quiet a few months since I had last had the sexy time. He started humping my foot while going down on me. I had to tell him to stop. He keep humping my foot and pretended he wasn't. I ended up flipping him over and jumping on top until I was done. I made him jack himself off to finish. He kept trying to meet up again even after I said I wasn't interested. He finally got it when he messaged asking what he did wrong and my reply was "YOU HUMPED MY FEET!!"

-My buddy isn't the smartest man. He picked a chick up and drove to a motel. They were walking into the room and she says "I forgot my purse in the car do you mind if I go grab it?" He says "Yeah" and tosses her the keys. 5 minutes later he walks outside wondering where she is and his car is gone.

-I had been talking to this girl who was in DC for the summer. She asked if I'd go see Old Crow Medicine Show up near Baltimore out in the boondocks. I figured it would be a fun festival, so I bought a ticket. After I did, I couldn't contact her. Like, Tinder, text, smoke signals, giant carrier eagle. Nothing worked. I assumed she'd text me when I got to the concert that Saturday. Nothing. So, I spent the day at a concert festival alone (well, until I ran into a few friends from school and ended up hanging out with them), saw OCMS, and then dropped by a friend's place on the way home to get laid, because I'm not about giving up.

-I got matched with a girl named Erika. Normally I don't swipe right on girls with no bio, but at least she had a college listed and she was cute. But with nothing to go on, I thought of a clever line: "I don't follow politics too much, but I keep hearing Donald Trump yell "Make 'Erika Great again". Not sure what he's on about. You look pretty fine to me". All my friends thought it was great... still no response 2 days later.

Want more of these Tinder dating debacles? Find them here and here in the Orsm Archives.

Sources: Reddit, others and unknown.

DON'T BE EMBARRASSED! WE WANT TO SEE YOU NUDE!!

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EMBARRASSED GIRLS previously on Orsm: #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husband. The women were asked "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text to their husband "I love you, sweetheart".

The women were then instructed to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received back. Here are the12 replies:

-Who the hell is this?
-Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
-Yeah, and I love you too. What's up with you?
-What now? Did you crash the car again?
-I don't understand what you mean?
-What the heck did you do now?
-Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
-Am I dreaming?
-If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
-I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
-Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

ORSM VIDEO

Really Stretches Out Her Butthole

Tragic Showground Accident

Saboteur! Haha

LOL Nice One Jesus

Class. She Has None.

I Am Just So Impressed!

Baby Drinks Directly From A Cow

Bomb Disposal Fail

Unloads Bigtime In Her Mouth

14yo Aussie Rangles A Snake

This Is Just Fucking Dumb

Cat Rescue Was... Unsuccessful

A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.

"My love" he wrote "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?"

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying "Why don't you learn to play this?"

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!" She kissed him and said "First let's see you play that harmonica".

SEXY SNAPCHATS THAT WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE SHARED

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Previously on Orsm: SEXY SNAPCHATS #3 - SEXY SNAPCHATS #2 - SEXY SNAPCHATS #1

Why is MyFreeCams.com one of the most awesome websites in the history of forever? Firstly, there are hundreds of hot models online at any given time AND you can watch their live webcam feed in HQ with sound AND chat. Secondly, you don't need a credit card or have to install any dodgy software - it's all absolutely free! And finally, why do I sound so fucking excited? Because MyFreeCams really is that brilliant. Click here to check it out now!

ORSM VIDEO

She Makes Him Blast A Massive Load

I Guess She Isn't A Monkey

We Can All Relate

Didn't See The Hammer Bro?

Generous Sideboob

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They All... Wait For It...

During a recent international sports meet, one of the Scottish track and field coaches was entertaining some friends and colleagues in his hotel room. As so often occurs the libations were used up before it was time to end the festivities.

After receiving directions to the nearest liquor store, the Scottish coach departed the party.
Upon arriving at the store, he noticed that there were only three or four people waiting in the queue.

Immediately ahead of him were two men dressed in military fatigues and heavily bearded. He overhead one of them ordering several bottles of Scotch and rum. Upon being told the value of his purchases, this fatigue dressed individual told the clerk that he was with Fidel. Immediately the clerk produced a book and had the individual sign for his purchases. To say that the Scotsman was intrigued would be an understatement.

The other individual in front of the Scotsman proceeded to order at least twice what his companion had ordered. Upon receipt of his total he also told the clerk that he was with Fidel. Same book, same procedure as the first fatigue clad individual.

By this time the Scotsman had figured he was on to a good thing. He ordered bottles of this, that, cigars, cigarettes etc. Upon being presented with his bill he told the clerk that he was with Fidel.

The clerk told him that he could not be with Fidel.

"Why not?" said the indignant Scotsman. "Because you do not have the beard and the big cigar" the clerk replied. Pausing for only a moment, the Scotsman reached down, lifted up his kilt and proudly announced "SECRET SERVICE!!!"

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Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?" He declines. "It's this Viagra" he says "it's really taken the edge off my appetite".

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of homemade soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?" Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra" he says "It's really taken the edge off my appetite".

At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes...?" Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite".

"Well, then" she says "Would you mind getting off me? I'm fucking STARVING!"

RIO CARNIVAL... IT'S JUST ABOUT THE NAKED GIRLS RIGHT?

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Previously on Orsm: RIO CARNIVALE #2 - RIO CARNIVALE #1

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madame "Is this a union house?" "No, I'm sorry it isn't". "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20".

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.

His search continued as long as you want to draw things out, until finally he reached a brothel where the Madame said "Why yes, this is a union house".

"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20".

"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night". "I'm sure you would, sir" said the Madame, gesturing to a fat fifty-year-old woman in the corner "but Ethel here has seniority".

RANDOM SHITE

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OLDER SHITE: 23rd February - 16th February - 9th February - 2nd February - 26th January - 19th January - 12th January

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast.

At the very first chance, they corner him and ask "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They are knocked over, but continue to ask.

"So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age" Bob replies. "What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles and says "No, I told her I was 90".

NOT EVERYONE CAN build A BIKINI BRIDGE BUT THOSE WHO CAN...

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Previously on Orsm: BIKINI BRIDGES #3 - BIKINI BRIDGES #2 - BIKINI BRIDGES #1

A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day, she dials her home and a strange woman answers. The woman says "Who is this?" "This is the maid" answered the woman. "We don't have a maid" said the woman. The maid says "I was hired this morning by the man of the house. The woman says "Well, this is his wife. Is he there?" The maid replied "he is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was his wife".

The woman is fuming.

She says to the maid "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" The maid says "What will I have to do?" The woman tells her "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the jerk and the witch he's with".

The maid puts the phone down; the woman hears footsteps and the gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone "What do I do with the bodies?" The woman says "Throw them in the swimming pool".

Puzzled, the maid answers "But there's no pool here". A long pause and the woman says "Is this 555-4821?"

TEEN ✓ TASTY ✓ NAKED ✓ NOT SO INNOCENT ✓

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PREVIOUS SOLO GIRLS: ALANIS - JANE - JUSTINE - LENA - MASHA - OLIVE - DARIA - CHARLOTTE - RITA - JULIA

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Well...

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-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will use his fat to hurt you and no one wants that. Why? Ray is fat. REALLY fat. Actually Ray is so fat that his pool is filled with gravy and his house with chips.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and C U Next Thursday. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.