Orsm.net... dirtier than John Hopoate's finger...

How exciting. The first update with my brand new computer however I must confess I've been overdoing it a bit. In the last week I've probably spent more time staring blankly into my monitor than Jesus did healing people but such is the sacrifice of a new toy.

My biggest downfall is being a [wannabe] perfectionist. Every single little thing must be installed, setup and working exactly how I like before I will use it. Yes I annoy myself.

Unfortunately the initial setup wasn't without some gremlins. We set aside pretty much all of Friday to get it done. I spent the morning running around getting the last parts I needed and came back to my place to begin.

Assembly only took a few hours but whilst everything was all over the place [and for the record mostly still is] I decided to pull apart my other computers, de-dust them and clean up the shit load of cables behind my desk. Anyway, much to my surprise when we fired her up for the first time everything worked a charm although the excitement was short lived. The driver disc supplied by Asus was [a] defective [piece of shit] which cost us several hours trying to get around. We were both stuffed by that stage so ended up calling it a night around 11pm to resume the next day.

Thankfully Saturday is when it all came together. We found the drivers we needed online and had it running in no time. Sweet. The rest of the weekend was consumed with installing the plethora of programs I use day to day. By far the most frustrating thing isn't installing them, it's going through each one and trying to remember how I had them configured on my other system. It drives me fucking crazy and takes forever.

At the moment its up and running almost how it should be and is a billion times better than my old machine. The trick is to enjoy it while it lasts because you can guarantee that in a year or so I'll be sick of it and looking for shit to upgrade...

On to this weekend and I've got to admit I'm hanging out for it in a big way. In an ideal world I would spend the four days committed to doing as little as possible with the aim of achieving a true vegetative state and becoming one with the couch. Sleeping in, watching DVD's and revelling in cold air conditioned comfort would be top priority just the way God intended. In reality there's no chance it will pan out like that but it doesn't hurt to dream...

Tomorrow is going to be a day chock full of washing my car, gardening and getting the house in order for an inspection with the new owners next week. Which reminds me... I hope this guy is as laid back as our current landlord. This April marks three years that I've lived here and I doubt we've seen him more than half a dozen times. No rent inspections, no hassles, nothing. It's as if he didn't exist and the only time we had any contact is when someone had forgotten to pay their rent or something needed fixing. Good deal and the last thing I can be bothered with is a nosey landlord.

At this stage Saturday is all quiet but Sunday should be good. We're doing the family Easter breakfast thing. In other words, bacon, egg's and hot cross buns. As is the norm, there's a friends birthday the same day and I'm hoping to take the opportunity to drink, get drunk and possibly embarrass myself somehow.

The only other thing that I want to do is take a drive out to the hills and see the Mundaring Weir Dam. Why? I have absolutely no fucking idea is why. I haven't been there for years and was just one of those random idea's I got stuck in my head a few weeks back and have been wanting to satisfy ever since. You wait... it'll be an hour drive there, get out of the car, have a cigarette, get back in the car and come home. I have issues...

Anyway enough senseless dribbling about nothing and let's get moving with this update shall we? Before you go too far check out the Chicks & Stuff section! Updated pages start here.

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

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I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Orsm Fan Sign - Amazing Landing - Rubber Man - Teen Barbie Gets Naked - Dancing Webcam Slut

Girlfriend Caught On Cam - Stripping Blonde - Random Blah - True Babes - Smack Fest!

A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied. "Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! Hel-LLLO! It's only 25 cents!"
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A husband suspects his wife is having an affair. He needs to go on a business trip for several days, so he decides to set a trap for her. He puts a bowl of milk under the bed. From the bed springs, he suspends a spoon. He has it calibrated so that her weight on the bed will not drop the spoon into the milk. But, if there's any more weight than that, the spoon will drop into the milk and he will detect it upon his return home. He comes home several days later. The first thing he does is reach under the bed and retrieve the bowl... which is now full of butter...

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Indeed, an award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 737's had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.

He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS". The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: “May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14.

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "Fuck You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

ORSM VIDEO This week's featured vid is an instant classic and goes a long way to proving no matter how good you think you are, you're probably wrong. This poor fool is giving a lecture on gun safety. He spends plenty of time self-promoting and ensuring that the attendees think he's a bad ass. What should happen next? The inevitable of course! Check it... - Gun Saftey Lecturer: Professional Idiot -

One morning, Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having brunch at a restaurant. The attractive waitress asks VP Cheney what he would like, and he replies, "I'll have a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."

And what may I get for you, sir?" she asks George W. He replies, "How about a quickie?" "Why, Mr. President," the waitress says, "how rude. You're starting to act like former President Clinton!!"

As the waitress storms away, VP Cheney leans over to President Bush and whispers, "It's pronounced 'quiche'."

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READER MAIL
I've had some kick-ass email come my way lately and as you read on you will see what I'm on about. Guys please keep it coming! If you've want to have your say, got some funny pics, a vid or jokes to send then you may do so by contacting me here.

chris & jannes wrote: Subject: ORSM ONE i love orsm.net. perhaps for your update. Absolutely fucking awesome! This made my day! -Orsm

Clayton wrote: Subject: hey there hey orsm, just wanted to let you know that your site is awesome, i look forward to your updates every week, so here is a little something i hope you can put on your next one. This just kind of freaked me out. See if you can work out why! -Orsm

Pricey wrote: Subject: Skippy the bush Kangaroo Hey Orsm, Thought you could use these pics of our great aussie animals having dinner. For all those potential tourists this only happens to backpackers & japanese and american tourists that camp in the bush on days ending with "Y". enjoy. Snake 1 Roo 0

Stanley Wall wrote: Subject: Clipsal 500 Adelaide V8 Supercar Babes Orsm!, I have been fan of your site for a number of years now too many that I have lost track. Back when you first featured Holly out and about in Scarbs. Also I know you have a big fan base at Murdoch University Engineering at Rockingham (Say hi to the boys Sir Orsm.) However now I have been relocated to S.A. and I was privileged to get to go to the Clipsal 500 in a corporate box.

Mark wrote: Subject: Another unseen countdown Hi Orsm, Just seen the picture sent to you of the lovely carol vorderman from countdown in england. I think this is a better one. Thanks Mark from Lincoln, England

C Stevenson wrote: Subject: A couple of funny flashes... Here are a couple of flash things i made out of boredom. Keep up the good work have been a loooong time viewer! The first one was the initial trial (it's me), the cat is pretty funny. The second one is a little better with the music choices. The graphics are quick and dirty just because i wanted to get the coding tight and was in a hurry. Take care!

LAKIS wrote: Subject: ...too freek!...:-) ...just be natural, in every moments of your life, no matter as you can go down! P.S:....thank you very much to ORSM, its the best strange site on the internet!!!!!! ..greetings from Italy!!!!!!! Where does the line between nudist and exhibitionist start and end? -Orsm

Trev wrote: Subject: readers mail (a challenge) Hi Orsm. I scanned a scorpion on both sides & saved the images. My challenge is to see if your readers can continue scanning bugs & insects. It'll be interesting to see what they can come up with, I'm guessing getting a frog on both sides might be interesting & messy

<with held> wrote: Subject: Big ol' titties These pics are from Comstock Rock 2004 in Nebraska. This big-titted bitch loved to show 'em. The guy in the second pic is my best friend. Just to illustrate how big this chick really is, my buddy plays offensive line in college and he's not a small guy! Hope you can post this! Love the site!

mark wrote: Subject: world funniest comedian this was out-selling the entire top 20 singles last week put together. his name is peter kay and the song is an oldie by tony christie he's the uk's top comedian at the moment and it was all done for charity I have no idea who any of those people are but it does have a certain catchyness about it. -Orsm

Robert Jordan wrote: Subject: Surely you will like this... A while back I sent you a mix I made of Foo Fighters and Glenn Frey, "Times like heat" I made a parody of the Bee Gee's How Deep is your ... (well, you'll see)... check it out :)

Toby wrote: Subject: hey ORSM got some cool vid for you Whats up ORSM!!!!!!! I was in Geelong Vic last week and was lucky enough to see the Australian offshore power boats these things are truly ORSM like your site I have attached a vid of one of the boats doing a filp ORSM stuff you might want to edit it a little

<with held> wrote: Subject: Mini Racing After looking at your web site for while I have noticed you like classic mini's. Heres a vid of my wife narrowly loosing to a V8 Camero at the motorplex. The mini has been bored to 1330cc and has a road race cam and 45mm twin choke webber. Ran low 17s the night this vid was taken but had crappy Hitachi Carbs the wrong size so was not running well. We are hoping to run 16s now we have the webber fitted. I will be racing it again on the Fast friday coming up on the 11th.

Cobus Kriel wrote: Thought you might like this: South African Baseball!!! Subject: Thought you might like this: South African Baseball!!! Here are some clips on how to play some Bushy Baseball South African's... enough said... -Orsm

Ali + Clay wrote: Subject: Benny Hill Burnout Dear Orsm, My mates and I made this little burnout video, its shot to the music of benny hill, if you wanna show everyone that would be orsm. (Just can you re host it or my webspace willl crash). Cheers. Boys and their toys... -Orsm

A grade school teacher in Tennessee asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Little Donald raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Donald before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate", so she called on him. Donald said, "My aunt ANGIE has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."

BEIJING 2008 CONCEPTS Beijing 2008 - Beijing 2008 - Beijing 2008 - Beijing 2008 - Beijing 2008 - Beijing 2008 - Beijing 2008

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear, "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realising that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could barely keep a straight face when I murmured to her: "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!"

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either...

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ORSM VIDEO

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Missile Test

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Stupid Cats

An out of work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I've got you a job" says his agent. "That's great" says the actor, what is it?" "Well" says his agent "it's a one-liner" "That's okay" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything; What's the line?" "Hark I hear the cannons roar" says the agent. "Hark I hear the cannons roar?" the actor questions. "Yes, hark I hear the cannons roar" confirms the agent. "I love it" says the actor "When's the audition?" "Wednesday" says the agent.

Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark I hear the cannons roar". "Brilliant" says the director, "you've got the job, be here 9 o'clock Saturday evening".

The actor is so ecstatic he got the job that he leaves and heads straight to his favourite bar and goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening, after his bender, and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar".

He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the bouncer. "Who the hell are you?" asks the bouncer. "I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'" "You're 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"" "Yes, I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'" "you're late, get up to makeup straight away."

So he runs up to make up continually repeating his line; "Hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar".

"Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl. "I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'" "You're 'hark I hear the cannons roar'?" "Yes, I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'" "You're late, sit down here" and she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you're about to go on"

So he dashes down to the stage continually repeating his line; "Hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar".

"Who the hell are you" asks the stage manager. "I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'" "You're 'hark I hear the cannons roar'?" "Yes, I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'" "Get on there, the curtains about to go up!"

So he tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full. Suddenly from behind him comes an enormously loud blast. BANG! The actor shouts "HOLY CRAP WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!!!!!"

RANDOM SHITE In the spirit of Easter I've decided that this weeks Shite shall contain no gore and no gay. Why? Because I can. On the other hand I'm completely full of shit and you guy's are in for a wild ride. Check it... RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

GOOD: A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 10-year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change.

BETTER: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST: A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window and flipped open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realised what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

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Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver." After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed" she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

ORSM VIDEO This vid will give you a good Easter smile. It comes to you guy's from my friends at AdultShop.com. If you have never taken the time to check out their site then I can highly recommend it but be careful though... like a black hole you will get sucked into it and get stuck there checking out their stuff... - Happy Easter! -

Well guys that's all from me for this week. I'm tired and have had enough for this week so I'm out of here. Until next week, be good, stay off the chem's and have a safe and Happy Easter. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Welcome to Orsmnet. Not nearly as gay as joining Elton John for a romantic candle lit dinner.

I finally took the plunge and bought all the bits and pieces I need to build a new computer. This time it's a full upgrade - the whole box and dice... except keyboard and mouse but give me a few weeks and I'll see what I can do.

You guys may remember not too long before Christmas I was complaining in my own special way about not having a computer that could handle all the latest games that were coming out. Basically to play any of them I was going to have to cough up the cash for a new video card but after much procrastinating, forcing myself to 'grin and bare it' and the realisation that I only played one game last year, I stuck with the one I've had for almost three years now.

Three years... it never ceases to amaze me how quickly hardware becomes obsolete. I remember when we put my current machine together it was the latest and greatest. A year after that it was time for a mini-upgrade [added RAID] and since then additions have been limited to extra hard drives, speakers and a new LCD.

Thinking back, my very first PC was a Pentium 3 500Mhz with 128megs of memory and an 8 gig hard drive. I remember everyone practically drooling all over it because of how fast and modern the thing was. After that was a Duron 850Mhz with 384 megs of memory and a 40 gigabyte hard drive which we laughed at thinking that I would never come close to filling that much space. Then it was my current computer - a Pentium 4 2.2Ghz with 1 gig of memory and 120 gigabytes of storage which over time has been expanded to around 560 gigs. Like I said - amazing how far it's all come in the last five or six years.

My new toy has got all the fruit too. Pentium 4 3.6Ghz, 2 gigs of memory, 500gigs of storage, RAID, SATA, a huge video card plus a stack of other goodies to make it all happen... and having said that its just occurred to me that I've most likely bored you guys to death with a whole bunch of useless facts and figures probably only interesting to me but then again what else is new?

The main reason behind the upgrade was that my current computer can't keep up with me anymore. There's a whole stack of programs I use to build and run the site and it's a pain in the ass not being able to have several of them running at the same time and still function properly. Add to that the amount of virii and spyware floating around the web these days and the shit you need to have running in order to keep yourself protected, everything was gradually becoming slower and slower and slower.

The only annoying part of building this new system is having to wait not only for parts to arrive from over east but also until this update was out of the way. I know myself well enough to know that if I started banging it all together before Friday then there is no chance you guys would be reading this right now... yes it's a sick, depraved world I live in where I'd rather wait a few days to play with my new toys than disappoint you guys by missing in update. What the fuck have I become and an even more pertinent question: what the fuck is wrong with me?

Anyway moving on... since I dedicated pretty much all of my blog last week to the wedding we had on this past weekend I may as well update you guys on how it all went down. The short answer is: uneventful. The long answer has something to do with group dynamics, interpersonal relationships and a whole bunch of other boring shit that no one really cares about.

Perhaps I can sum it up this way: it was too fucking hot to be standing outside watching a wedding; I don't like celebrants; I was bored for most of the time; we didn't mix with the dark side of the family aside from a hello and goodbye; I lost $75 at the casino; I didn't get drunk; it gave me the opportunity to identify which members of my extended family to never bother with again; and 9 hours is far, far too long to be stuck in any social situation when its not all about you...

I probably sound like an ungrateful prick who should be happy he got an invite in the first place and that I am... both of those things... but truth be known it wasn't THAT bad. If anything it was an awesome opportunity to catch up with a lot of people I haven't seen for ages and at very least have a perv on some of the hot wedding chicks...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

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It's time for a raunchy all girls slumber party, so don't forget your toothbrush and of course, your giant dildo and handcuffs! Remember you're getting in bed with faith and she's looking for something rougher than a pillow fight - you'll be knocking tits together and grabbing hold of wet pussy soon enough!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

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Two hillbillies, Hubba and Bubba, were walking through the grassy fields of Alabama. Suddenly, Bubba stops when he sees a sheep with its head jammed in a barbed wire fence. "Hoo-yah!" cries Bubba, "Now ain't she purty?" He quickly hurries over to the sheep, drops his pants and hastily has his way with the sheep. When he is finished, he pulls up his pants and steps back and says to Hubba, "Ok, it's your turn now." Hubba pulls down his pants, walks over to the sheep, and jams his head into the barbed wire fence.
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A young man was so paranoid about the size of his penis that he could never work up the courage to have sex. Then one day he fell in love with a nurse. One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of his problem. "Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse. I won't laugh." Blushing the man drops his trousers. "It's OK," she said. "I've seen lots smaller than that." "Really?" the relieved man asked. She nodded. "Yes," she chuckled, "I used to work in the maternity unit."

Milla & Alex - Milla & Alex - Milla & Alex - Milla & Alex - Milla & Alex Milla & Alex - Milla & Alex - Milla & Alex - Milla & Alex - Milla & Alex - Milla & Alex - Milla & Alex Milla & Alex - Milla & Alex - Milla & Alex - Milla & Alex

On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, "And why don't you get me a whisky you bitch."

The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whisky for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee. As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, "And get me another whisky you slut."

Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whisky but still no coffee for the man. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrot's approach, "I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee wench, I expect you to get it for me right now or I'm going to slap that disgustingly ugly face of yours!"

Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by 2 burly stewards. Plunging downwards to the ground the parrot turns to the man and says, "For someone who can't fly, you sure are a lippy bastard."

GORGEOUS VIV Vivian - Vivian - Vivian - Vivian - Vivian - Vivian - Vivian - Vivian - Vivian - Vivian Vivian - Vivian - Vivian - Vivian - Vivian - Vivian

An employee comes into her manager's office to take a day off from work...

The manager replies, "So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1-hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!"

ORSM VIDEO Lucy Liu. Most of us will know this Chinese sex kitten from Charlies Angels or Kill Bill and many may even have fantasised about engaging in acts of lewd sexual behaviour involving her which is lucky because that's exactly what this video is - little Lucy giving some guy the blow job of a life time! If you thought Paris Hilton was good at this you aint seen nothing yet! Check it... - Lucy Liu Giving Head -

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When a male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied. "Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?" "No, it's turned black."

SPRUNG! Car Sex - Car Sex - Car Sex - Car Sex - Car Sex - Car Sex - Car Sex - Car Sex - Car Sex Car Sex - Car Sex - Car Sex

I keep getting emails from you guy's asking me what the catch is with MyFreePaySite.com and I'm here to set the record straight - THERE IS NO CATCH AND ITS ALL FREEEEEE!!! You won't end up with a massive credit card or phone bill or tonnes of junk mail or anything else you don't want. All you need to do is signup with an email address - it's that easy! They'll even let you sign up with a Hotmail or Gmail account.

So what's stopping you? You'll get access to all the celebrity sex tapes, thousands of free pics, live cam girls and more streaming video than you could ever possibly download and like I said - ALL FREE so stop reading this and click here to check it out now!!

READER MAIL
Due to the sheer volume of mail that's come my way of late I've taken the liberty of piling a whole crap load of the stuff that was too good to delete but didn't fit on the main page over on the OverFlow. For all the rest of you guys who wanna send something my way or have a bitch or whatever then you may do so here.

<with held> wrote: Subject: I think I've got the answer for this: Uwe wrote: "... What the fucking hell is that ??? The story i heard about it was that this human-animal-monster (???) was an victim of the tsunami in thailand...." It's really spooky to look at, but I think that it's just a Leopard Seal (Hydrurga leptonyx)

a b wrote: Subject: Ex-Girlfriend Hey Orsm, this is my second post to you, please post these photos of my ex-girlfriend Lucy here in England, for everybody to see. Okay, so I cheated on her with her best friend, no need to throw it back in my face huh !? She's a fuckin' hot bitch as you can see, tiny little bundle of sex ! She is very dirty, I will send some more pics for you soon. Your site rocks mate, shame about the spyware though :o(

<with held> wrote: Subject: Last Root Here is a picture from my last root 2 months ago. The wife must be starting menopause early or something. She just isn't interested anymore. Anyway I had fun.

<with held> wrote: Subject: my pic for you Mr. ORSM- I really enjoy your site! It is the one site that I check daily! I am attaching a pic that I think you might enjoy. Hopefully, I will see it on your site sometime! Thanks!

Kurt Huber wrote: Subject: Scary School... This link was in CollegeHumor.com, and I already knew this was a scary place, but reading over the rules sent a distinct chill up, down, and around my spine. For kicks, I clicked the "Home" link at the top of the page, and was greeted with an image and text that was completely incongruous. Seeing how far their heads are stuck up their asses, I'm NOT surprised they didn't think anything of the combination, but I found it hilarious. The picture is attached.

A Fan wrote: Subject: german bitch Hey MR. Orsm, I have some pics of a german Bitch. She fuck with everyone... it was so funny to meat her last year when I was in Germany. Pleas don't post my address!

Tom wrote: Subject: Cool Mule Thought your viewers would enjoy something a little on the wild side. This mule kicks ass! From Tom in Oregon Whoa... I never knew those little fuckers were vicious! -Orsm

John Donald wrote: Subject: Mr. Compassion Saturday afternoon, I was sitting on my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife, mow the lawn. Amanda from next door was so upset at this that she came over and shouted "you should be hung." I took a slug from my bottle of Corona, wiped the cold foam from my lips,lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses, stared directly at this nosey woman and calmly replied, "I am, that's why she cuts the grass." After a few days I felt really bad so I went and bought my wife a riding mower to show my sensitive side. I am so proud of the deal I got, I have attached a picture.

Jeff Rankin wrote: Subject: G-Day Great site, Warms us in the cold Winters here in Seattle. Love the RS portion, thought the attachment might work, you decide. (taken at our cabin on a slow snow year). Thanks for the laughs and lezzies....

Mick Draper wrote: Subject: Valla Beach Hot Rods Hey mate here's more of the shots from Valla. Some wicked aussie muscle and a bit of of US beef too. That should cover it...Hope you get some you like for the site. All Photos were taken by my mate 'Tank'. Some awesome machinery in there. The first lot of pics can be found here. -Orsm

Richard wrote: Subject: b2 bomber shot down over london video i enjoy your site a lot. found this video and even though it is fake i think it is cool to watch. Very well done... until you see the tank anyway. -Orsm

Tim and Ed wrote: Subject: Retards Hey Mr Orsm, My flatmate made this a while ago, and we thought you might like a laugh. Its the result of a few parties we had down here. Love the site, keep up the great work :)

Bob Bob wrote: Subject: Crazy Drifting movie Mr Orsm, Here's another nifty little movie, at least the visuals are nifty (my stereo was cafuffeled when I watched it. Nice! Too much fun! -Orsm

Ingolf wrote: Subject: Yo Orsm hello there good sir. i am a very loyal fan of your site, going on 2 years now, information, entertainment, masterbation . anyway im sure that there a few people that browse your site that play counter - strike, the half life mod. anyway heres what i encountered a while back while playing. this black guy who came on using his mic. this is just a little clip, the whole thing is around 15 mins long. thanks and enjoy

GIRLS ON WEBCAM ABSOLUTELY FREE!

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After approximately 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five times.

At the sixth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady answers, "We just love the chocolate around them..."

Oops - Oops - Oops - Oops - Oops - Oops - Oops - Oops Oops - Oops - Oops - Oops - Oops

A young man called peter invited his mother for dinner. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Peter's flat mate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between peter and his flat mate than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, peter volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but i assure you, Simon and i are just flat mates.

About a week later, Simon came to peter saying, "ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure," said peter, so he sat down and wrote: Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you "did" take the frying pan from my house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the frying pan, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love Peter.

Several days later, Peter received an e-mail from his mother which read: Dear Son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Simon, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Simon, but the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the frying pan by now. Love mum.

ORSM VIDEO

Live In Concert

Peg The Dyno

Give Me Porn

Thats What You Get

In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, combined with an abundance of green, yellow and red vegetables. He did this so that Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Whip and Peter's Ice Cream. And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" And Woman said: "I'll have one too... with sprinkles." And lo and behold, they gained 10 pounds.

And so God created the healthful yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad." And Satan presented crumbled Blue Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said: "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep-fried squid rings, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and fried chicken so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol sharply increased.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man packed on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan introduced cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretchy lycra jogging suits.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?" And Man replied: "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed... and created quadruple by-pass surgery. Satan chuckled and created the public health system.

RANDOM SHITE Random Shite. An eclectic composition that will arouse your senses and manipulate your desires... you'll laugh and you'll cry... you'll scream with delight and you'll cower in fear... you'll love it and you'll hate it but first you have to click the links... you MUST click the links... RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies". Toward the end of the service, he asked his congregation, "How many of you have forgiven their enemies?" About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. As it was past lunchtime, this time about 80 percent held up their hands.

He then repeated his question again. All responded, except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones," inquired the preacher, "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly. "Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-three." She replied.

Oh Mrs. Jones, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are. Would you please come down in front of this congregation and tell us all how a person can live ninety-three years and not have an enemy in the world." The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches!"

What The? - What The? - What The? - What The? - What The? - What The? - What The? What The? - What The? - What The? - What The? - What The? - What The? - What The?

Today is my baby girl's 18th birthday. I am so glad that this be my last child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all those damn payments! So I call my baby girl LaKeesha, to come to my house and when se get there, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take this cheque over to yo momma house and tell her this be the last cheque she ever be gettin" from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the 'spression on yo momma's face."

So my baby girl she take the cheque over to her. I be anxious to hear what she say and what she look like. Baby girl walk through the door, I say, "Now what yo momma say 'bout that?" She say to tell you that 'you ain't my daddy'...and watch the 'spression on yo face..."

April Flowers - April Flowers - April Flowers - April Flowers - April Flowers April Flowers - April Flowers - April Flowers - April Flowers - April Flowers - April Flowers April Flowers - April Flowers - April Flowers - April Flowers - April Flowers

Well guys I think that more or less does me for another week. I actually managed to crank this puppy out on time for a change so believe me when I say I'm just as shocked as you most likely are.

Anyway until next week be good, stay off the chem's and save Schappelle! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Orsmnet... sicker than Aids.

Its hard not to open each update with something like 'wow this week has gone just so damn fast' but I promised myself I wouldn't do that this week...

So what's been going on in my little world? It's actually been a relatively event free week which is unusual. Last weekend was a long weekend so I kept myself busy doing not much although we finally managed to go out shooting for the first time this year. Weapon of choice was a .45 calibre Springfield 1911 pistol and 12 gauge pump action shotty. Lot's of fun... just a shame that the .45 is high as we'll be able to shoot in this country. The rest of my weekend was rather low-key. Saturday night was my cousins 30th and the majority of Sunday and Monday was spent catching up on sleep, cleaning the car and doing random housework stuff.

Talking of houses... I got a call from the real estate agent selling this place a few days ago. Turns out after several offers from different people, a whole lot of confusion, plenty of fucking around and two months of home opens, this place has sold to an investor. What does that mean for us? We can stay as long as we like conditional to giving six weeks notice before moving out. What does this mean for me? I need to keep looking for a place to call my own. For one reason or another it's taken me months to get my finances and paperwork in order to a point where I can approach a bank and not get laughed at and that magical day is tomorrow so wish me luck!

This weekend... not too sure if I'm looking forward to it or not. Normally a family wedding is something that most people would eagerly await but knowing my extended family, the whole thing is poised for disaster. This is actually hard to explain without using names and going into specifics about my heritage but for the sake of privacy that's the way it's got to be... use your imaginations to fill in the blanks!

Jump back about four or five years to my cousins wedding... despite my dad almost setting the bride [his niece] on fire the day went off without a hitch... except for one small thing. Of three families on my dad's side, one was deliberately not invited to pre-wedding drinks. At the time I remember my brother, sister and I not thinking too much of it and getting on with the rest of the day.

The following days and weeks is where the shit hit the fan and everyone was fighting with each other over what took place. He said, she said. He did, she did. Grandparents, siblings and pretty much anyone who may have had an opinion was dragged into it whether they liked it or not.

Since then that one family, the family of the bride, has been mostly ostracised because of all the shit and bad blood that was caused... or depending on which way you look at it those of us in the other 2 families have been from them. We don't interact, family events are a distant memory and the only communication between us has been at funerals. And all for what? So someone could take advantage of a situation and flex some muscle. Or maybe it wasn't that at all... who knows?

If it were up to me things wouldn't be this way. Everyone would have been made to sit down in a room years ago and thrash out their differences until everything, no matter how petty, was resolved. It's sad that in a family that used to be so close crap like this can happen and even sadder that it's gone on for so long.

The wedding this weekend is for my cousin who is part of the very same family that all this shit originated with. And I guess a few of you guys are wondering why we are even invited to this thing in the first place right? The answer to that is: it beats the hell out of me! There's been a great deal of speculation and conspiracy theories thrown around but the one I'd most like to believe is that someone has seen this as an opportunity to put the bullshit aside and make amens by bringing everyone back together again. Time will most definitely tell...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Hey, Mister Bus Driver, I think there's a of couple schoolgirls over there that need a ride. I think I saw some young, hairless muff showing as the one bent over to pull up her knee socks and the other knelt to help her. It won't be wasted soon enough school bus chicks will climb on board and let that sweet, pink pussy slide up and down your pole - after all girls love an experienced driver.

I want full length, high resolution videos. I want high quality pictures, and complete photo sets. I want live webcams where the performers actually do what I tell them- and I want it all Free! Thanks to the Ultimate FREE Site Database I've quit lame, sample sites, and instead enjoy Top Quality Porn that is only available to members. All sites are completely free and cover all styles - from Teens to S&M, Blondes to Blowjobs and many, many more!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Best Ass EVER! - Super Troopers - Farting Preecher - Perth 2005 BDO - Naked Workout Hottie - HOT Cat Fight

Britney Spears Video - 2 Girls French Kiss - Trivia - Stripping Webcam Teens - Hot Webcam Sluts

A man with stomach pain goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him its constipation and he'll have to use suppositories. The man is instructed to drop his pants and bend over, whereupon the doctor shoves the tablet up his ass. "You'll have to do the same thing every six hours for a week," says the doctor. Later that evening the man is having difficulty inserting another suppository and asks his wife for help. He tells her what to do, then drops his shorts and bends over. She proceeds to put one hand on his shoulder and with the other shoves the suppository home. "Damn!" the man screams. "What's the matter?" she asks. "Did I hurt you?" "No," he replies, but I just realised that the doctor had both hands on my shoulders."

BLONDE PRINCESS Katerina - Katerina - Katerina - Katerina - Katerina - Katerina - Katerina - Katerina - Katerina Katerina - Katerina - Katerina - Katerina - Katerina - Katerina - Katerina

A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden that didn't like hillbillies.

The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Oklahoma hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Oklahoma. This is a Kansas duck. You got a Kansas huntin' license, boy?"

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kansas hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't no Kansas duck. This duck's from Arkansas. You got a Arkansas license?"

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Arkansas hunting license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said this ain't no Arkansas duck. This here duck's from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin' license?"

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly "Just where the hell are you from?" The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, expert."

ORSM VIDEO This video kicks ass. I guess you'd say it's a view on how things may be in a bleak future but one thing is for sure – it'd be fucking cool seeing robots policing the streets and taking out bad guys when ever shit went down. For anyone interested, I did a bit of research on it and found it was filmed in Johannesburg, edited with Adobe Premiere and effects were done with Photoshop and composited in Combustion. Check it... - Tetra Vaal: Robots On The Beat -

Paddy was walking through a town one day when he saw a shop with a notice in the window. The notice said "We sell everything". Paddy could not believe this so he went inside. He walked to the counter and asked the salesperson, "Do you really sell everything?" The salesperson said "Yes, everything".

Thinking this was too good to be true Paddy said "OK then could I have a jumper for a chicken?" The salesperson said "A jumper for a chicken?, hold on I will have to check the stock out the back".

Five minutes later, the salesperson returned with a brown paper bag. "Here you go, one jumper for a chicken". "How much?" asked Paddy. "Three quid." replied the salesperson. "Three quid for a jumper for a chicken - excellent." said Paddy.

So away he went as happy as Larry. When he got outside he thought to himself that maybe he was done, so he looked inside the bag. At the bottom of the bag was a condom. He was mad and stormed back into the shop.

He screamed at the salesperson "Hey, I asked you for a jumper for a chicken and you have given me a condom – what's going on?" The salesperson replied, "Sorry mate, I checked in the back and we seem to be all out of jumpers for chickens, all we had was a pullover for a cock."

CAN YOU BE TOO PRETTY? Pavlina - Pavlina - Pavlina - Pavlina - Pavlina - Pavlina - Pavlina - Pavlina - Pavlina - Pavlina Pavlina - Pavlina - Pavlina - Pavlina - Pavlina - Pavlina

I keep getting emails from you guy's asking me what the catch is with MyFreePaySite.com and I'm here to set the record straight - THERE IS NO CATCH AND ITS ALL FREEEEEE!!! You won't end up with a massive credit card or phone bill or tonnes of junk mail or anything else you don't want. All you need to do is signup with an email address - it's that easy! They'll even let you sign up with a Hotmail or Gmail account.

So what's stopping you? You'll get access to all the celebrity sex tapes, thousands of free pics, live cam girls and more streaming video than you could ever possibly download and like I said - ALL FREE so stop reading this and click here to check it out now!!

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READER MAIL
My favourite section of the site changes at random and at the moment its is definitely Reader Mail... despite that fact I spent 16 hours yesterday combing through everything that you guys have sent me over the last couple of weeks. Crazy. Anyway, if you've got something to say or something you'd like to see on the site then click right here to send it to me!

cantankerous wrote: Subject: werd to the mothership connection! a hoi hoi there mr orsm... Perth is too fucking hot this time of year... hope youve got air con... meh neway here are some pics from the perth big day out a couple weeks back... (post if u please) like every year it was a fucking sensational day, full of good music, chemicals and attractive women. wasnt too hot either for once! some say the line up was up to shit in comparison to previous years, others say too many crush zones and too many ppl... i say woo dee yay! i cant wait for 2006!!! seeu all there.

Mick Draper wrote: Subject: Hot rod meet Hey mate, here are some shots from the Hot rod Show at Valla Beach, NSW, North coast October 2004. Hope you like em. I'll send you a few more emails with the rest.

<with held> wrote: Subject: californian girl thought you may be looking for some content for your great site. some pics of a girl I met in California last year ;-) Wow she's hot! -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: ORSM dude~ hehe please post this up! Hey dude~ I love ur site.. me n my friends always spent countless hours surfing ur site even when we have deadlines the next day! SO anyway, i just wanted to send you this picture of a gross housemate of a friend of mine. She's a cheapskate skank which resorts to using tissue papers instead of pantyliners and leaves it around in the bathroom for everyone to see every fucking day! Wut a sight to look at when you're brushing your teeth... :D *yes, even to the male occupants of the house* I DONT FUCKING KNOW wut the hell is that brown thingy that comes out of her saggy cunt, but look closer and u can see 2 inch long pubes... :P Please share it with the world. And don't disclose the email please :D

<with held> wrote: Subject: some cunt hiding Spotted this in one of your picture galleries, and it had to be done mate. Do not display my details please. Maybe my mind isn't yet warped enough but never in a million years would I have noticed that... -Orsm

Simon Atlas wrote: Subject: Seymore At the F1 in melbourne G'day Orsm. Spent 4 days at the F1 GP looking at car and bitches. Well I got lots of photos but wanted to show you theses 3 sluts walking around the track. We tried to get better photos but they wanted $10 for a photo WHAT SLUTS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe some got better photos for you

Mike McDonough wrote: Subject: Time to tune in to Fox channel Lauren Bowden is a special reporter to FOX CAROLINA sports. You can usually catch her on the sidelines of our high school football show Friday Night Blitz. She is also reported from the SuperBowl, interviewing celebrities and sports figures from across the country. Lauren attends Clemson University and is the daughter of Clemson Head Football Coach Tommy Bowden. Watch for Lauren to bring you unique stories from even more sporting events in the future!

Johnee wrote: Subject: Graphic games Who ever thought Michael Jackson would get oral from boys, especially in video games? Let alone Pitfall Harry and a snake... sicko! Here's the link if you don't believe me...

<with held> wrote: Subject: Yummy Perth Girl, lol Mmm...what's wrong with this picture? Perth girl? Let's see some more please!! -Orsm

Uwe wrote: Subject: What the fuck is that ??? Hi there, I'm from Germany and a big fan of your site and i think that this pic is really good stuff for your site...... What the fucking hell is that ??? The story i heard about it was that this human-animal-monster (???) was an victim of the tsunami in thailand....i think it's a perfect thing for the X-Files Lt. Mulder and Scully......... Best regards from Germany and thanks for your incredible site

Kieran wrote: Subject: 2 Girls + 1 Pole (1) You've probably seen these floating around the net, but if not, here you are. Another one to come... I could be so happy with a girl like that... -Orsm

Robert Hoffman wrote: Subject: Yet another from VD boy... I don't think I've sent this one to you. Its a fuckin wild music video I made. Kick ass vid... I need to learn how to edit properly and put shit together like this. More @ Rob's site here.

Daniel wrote: Subject: my share Dear Mr. ORSM, As a visitor on your very original website for the last couple of months I thought it would be nice to share something with you and your viewers. It's a bit big file but absolutely worth watching. This gives me a thrill. Would LOVE to know how this guy does this stuff... amazing! -Orsm

hary elmagdy wrote: Subject: Flying bodies in saudi arabia Dear ORSM , find inculded a video file for a mad driving cars in saudi arabia, se how the two men flew from the car, many thanks to you and sorry for my weak languge. After seeing some of the driving guys these do I'd be suprised if this wasn't a regular occurrence. -Orsm

Tim wrote: Subject: CP RAIL EMPLOYEE IN REGINA,SASKATCHEWAN CANADA TAKING HIS CALL FOR WORK Hey Orsm, Thought you'd get a kick out of this. This poor guy waits for a call, doesn't get it, then has a few drinks with his friends. As soon as he's got a few in him, he gets called for work. His reaction is hilarious. He doesn't know what to do.

Puttana Crime Family wrote: Subject: Bombay Sapphire vid for orsm.net Hey mate. Back in November 2004, some of my mates and I went down to Dunsborough for the annual leavers celebrations. Anyway, to cut to the chase, we have this one "mate" who is a bit odd to say the least! After he failed to pick up any sluts on the last night we were down there, he proceeded to vent his anger on a strawberry and a Becks bottle as the attached video clearly shows. He uses his drunkenness as an excuse, but this isn't the first time he has done it, after sausages on leavers 03 and aluminum cigar cases on Australia Day 04. I am sure that anyone who frequents nightspots in Freo or Northbridge would recognize this face...

lobo wrote: Subject: stoopid hip hop kid hi mr orsm, i found a video of a 13 yr old gansta rapper. the video is in german, so u wo'n't understand what he is saying, but believe me, he's not saying much, except the word "hurensohn" which means "son of a bitch". anyway, keep up the good work

WORTH A SURF
Every now and then I like to take some time and throw out some links to other sites I think you guy's may enjoy. This week is one of those now and then's...

Ania & Fran - Dump-A-Link - Malicious - College Drunkfest - Brain Damaged

Double Agent - Jarkey - College Pre-Party - Heaven 666 - Fut Nut - Porn Pixie

A Maori goes into a brothel in Amsterdam one night and finds himself a prostitute. He asks her, "How much do you charge for the hour bro?" "$100," she replies. So he asks, "Okay do you do Maori style?" She says "No!"

He then asks her, "I'll pay you $200 to do it Maori style?" She again says no, not knowing what Maori style is! So he then offers her $300. Again she declines his offer. So finally he says, "I'll give you $500 to go Maori style with me!"

Finally she agrees thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over 10 years now, I've been there and done that, had every kind of request from weirdo's from every corner of the world. How bad could Maori style be?"

So she goes ahead and has sex with him, doing it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several intense hours they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "That was fantastic. I've never enjoyed it so much. But I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'Maori style' come in?"

The Maori replies... "I'll pay you next week"

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A brunette, a redhead and a blonde all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed their boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they'd leave right behind her. After all, she never called in or came back to the office when she left early, so how was she to know?

The next day, they all three left the office right after the boss left. The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the health club before meeting her dinner date. The blonde was happy to be home, but when she got to the bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS.

Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day at coffee break, the brunette and redhead decided they were leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was coming with them. "NO WAY," she exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday!"

ORSM VIDEO

Stupidity Prevails

Hung Like A Black Man

Racktacular

Dizzy Kitty

Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a petrol station that had been closed for the night. They approached one of the petrol pumps and the younger of the two aliens addressed it. "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The petrol pump (of course) didn't respond. The younger alien started to get mad at the lack of response and the older one said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated the greeting.

Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I will fire."

The older alien again warned his comrade, "You don't want to do that - you really don't want to make him mad!" "Rubbish," replied the younger alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and fired.

There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared outward and towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt and crumpled mess 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Thirty-five Earth minutes later, when he finally regained consciousness, refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna, he looked dazedly up at the wiser one, who was standing over him, slowly shaking his big green head.

"What a ferocious creature," said the young fried one. "It damn ear killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler onto the crispy, peeling flesh and shared some knowledge. "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy," said the wise old alien. "When a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't mess with him."

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GIRLS ON WEBCAM ABSOLUTELY FREE!

A young guy was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a big brass gong next to the bed. "What's a big brass gong doing in your bedroom?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the young guy replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup," replied the young guy. "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the guy replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For fucks sake! Don't you know it's three o'clock in the morning!"

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A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children. The judge asked for his side of the story, too. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from the chair and replied: "Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"

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Well guys that's I hate to say it but the mammoth effort you've just wasted your time surfing is all I'm good for this week. If I managed to keep you from whatever else it was that you were supposed to be doing then my work here is done!

Until next time, be good, stay off the chem's and remember that anything you do to annoy me is not cool. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Orsmnet. Can't beat the feeling... or so I'm told...

Another week zips by and we're tearing towards a long weekend. Don't ask me what this one is for - I have no idea what any of them are nowadays but I do know that we get Monday off and that's a bloody good thing.

It wouldn't be a normal weekend if no one was celebrating a birthday so as you would expect there's three of them on the hit list for this weekend. First up is Friday night for one of my best mates and through some weird coincidence [or not] we're playing lawn bowls instead of getting all boozed up or doing dinner or whatever.

The coincidence reference I make is to us playing bowls last weekend for another mate's buck's party. Funny how I never get around to playing it even once in my life then suddenly do it twice in a week.

Anyway, I went into it not expecting too much and came away with a newfound respect for the old farts that play it all day long. Surprisingly it's actually kind of technical figuring out the right angle to aim the bowl, how hard to throw it and all the while trying to guide it through a gap between other bowls 20 or 30 metres away. This is where the fun came into it - between the three of us playing each other we had 5 balls each at one stage so traffic became a little congested and competition rose accordingly. Add beer and you're having a good time...

The only thing that kind of sucked was how the rest of the night panned out. The plan was to bail that, swing past mine for a shower then hit the town in a big way. We did all of that except go hard once we made it into the city. I think after spending a few hours bowling, eating, getting mildly drunk and then sobering up it was all too hard to climb back on the horse and recommence activities. This is a lesson anyway - the best nights you have are the spontaneous ones, not when they've been over planned.

Complete change of subject... it's pretty rare that I have to do it but over the last few months with the drama's I encountered trying to get my servers back, plus a few unrelated bits and pieces, I've found myself having to call various companies in the US. Fedex, UPS and Amazon to name a few.

My usual way to begin a conversation is to say something radically simple like: 'hi, how are you?'. No biggie, just trying to be polite - I'm a catch more flies with honey type of guy. The response from most of the operators I've spoken to is one close to shock. It's like they don't know how to answer this curve ball trick question I've thrown at them... like they're so used to dealing with obnoxious assholes, when someone asks them a normal friendly question they have a mini-meltdown and have to think hard about the answer.

I guess there's the argument that phone operators aren't paid to have social chats with random callers and they most likely have to meet time requirements on the calls they receive but surely there is an equal argument for setting a positive tone to a conversation. Wouldn't it keep customers happy and lead to more business?

Admittedly I don't really care how some woman on the other side of the world is going or for that matter any operator I speak to anywhere but it'd be nicer knowing they had more interest in helping me get what I want instead of ending the call.

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Watch while she stands naked in the sun with her back ever so slightly arched and legs spread apart as she perches on top of her spiked stilettos. See how the light dances across those full breasts casting shadows across that tiny waist and softly caressing the surface of her perfect ass; finally the light makes the moist mounds of her luscious babes porn pussy glisten. Let your shaft lead you to the light at the end of that tunnel.

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I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

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I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic. "Wow!" I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge! "Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute! "Anyway", "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" she giggled... so I told her to fuck off.
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NEWSFLASH: Camilla Parker Bowles says that she is very happy to be getting married, but says that she has turned down the Queen's offer of a free weekend in Paris with car anddriver.

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Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension".

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother". The fairy godmother replied "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall It be?" Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome a young man." Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered... "I'll bet you're sorry you neutered me."

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Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The Mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny." Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "We are so thankful! The Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision." "That's great", said Little Johnny, "coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses."

ORSM VIDEO Anyone who has ever picked up a skateboard will have a good idea just how hard it is to do some of the tricks you see the pro's make look so easy. I lost track of how many grazed elbows and knees I got as a kid whilst finding out for myself. Sure, I was completely shit and my board was a $20 job from Kmart but it leaves you with a great admiration of people like the bloke in this clip. Check it... - Skate Or Die -

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him." So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, 'intelligence'?" The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!" The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, Take your shovel and hit my hand."

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READER MAIL

Torsten wrote: Subject: Winter in Europe Hi Orsm with this picture you can imagine how winter is in europe. This picture rocks. By the way cool site. Picture was taken in Genf/Versoix. Bye bye

<with held> wrote: Subject: a chick i fucked around with Yo ORSM ! your site rocks! I have enclosed 3 pics for your site of a girl here in Holland i "screwed" around with in a former job (she was a collegue), took me a bloody good time to convince her to let me take the pics and then i had only a crappy digital camera.... After i left the job she totally ignored me and probably fucks some other co workers....

Mike Moore wrote: Subject: Anger management Great site you got. Heres a little sign we came upon in our little fucked-up town in dear ol' West Virginia. Guess someone got a little pissed of eh? Oh well, better them tards than us. Keep up the great work.

kim wrote: Subject: Gift hey dude ive seen ur website and it really rocks dude. can u pls post this dick of a filo guy named paeng aka MK in www.phlippines.com.au you can post my email dude so that everyone can contact me if they want another copy of his lymph and tiny dick. thanks dude

Rocco wrote: Subject: Excellent Rock Saw Hi, This company makes giant rock saws. Basically this thing cuts massive blocks of stone hanging off a excavator. Thought you might like to put it on the site.

DtM wrote: Subject: Temsah Platform Eni informs that during the drilling operations on the gas production platform of Temsah, operated by Petrobel on behalf of Eni/leoc, EGPC and BP, a fluid release occurred and subsequently the installation went on fire. The platform of Temsah is located in the Mediterranean Sea, about 60 km from Port Said in Egypt. However, all the staff of the platform had been timely evacuated and without any casualty before the fire broke out.

Majd. H wrote: Subject: Terrorist Dear Orsm: i always thought that terrorist r very dangerous and that they just wana bomb people, but i change this idea after i have met this friendly terrorist trying to terrorism me wiz BEER.

<with held> wrote: Subject: Hi there! Got treated like shit by a girl I met online and we pretty much quit talking for a while. Then she did it again when we tried to patch things up. Just thought I'd provide a public word of warning to others who might be fucked over by this chick. She's nice to look at, that's for sure, but she's a cunt on the inside. Guess the best packaging is used for the worst presents, huh?

Crossy wrote: Subject: bunny girl Hey Mr Orsm! Thought u'd like to see who i pulled last week. I went to a party with a magician and he pulled this cute little bunny out of his hat.... and believe me, she was doing some pulling of her own later that night!

Ralph wrote: Subject: LIKE N/ NUTS THE VIDEO Hi Orsm here is a little number along the lines of numb nuts the video. Its my sons Sensei showing off just being the usual wanker. You might like to include it on your ORSM. Reminds me of Blood Sport [ie. best fight movie ever!]... -Orsm

Martin wrote: Subject: Oh yeah! Found this cool clip. It's a wet dream of every person who ever got his/her hands on a firearm. Great site, keep up the good work! Want. -Orsm

Michael wrote: Subject: ORSM.NET Content 4 U The first is a video file taken on a Mobile Phone. I always leave my Bluetooth on with the phone name BlueJacq Freak just encase. (Just encase you are not aware) BlueJackqing is when you send a something to another Mobile Phone anonymously. I.E you see someone with a 6310i drinking a coke. You create a contact in your contacts of your phone with the first name mmm Nice coke! If you hit the jack pot when you send this contact via Bluetooth (BT) a 6310i will appear on your list. Hit send and watch it pop onto their screen and we completely freaked out by what just happened. Sony Ericssons are the best for this but it is possible to do it with others. Most manufacturers handsets will allow a contact to be received without authorising it by the receiver. However for Video files and photos the receiver has to accept the connection on their handset. In this case I was sat in a Bar in London when I have a message pop up saying receive connection from Li. I said yes and this was the video file send from the toilets.

Chris wrote: Subject: Hey Mr O Hey Mr O. Vid for the site - one is of a mate of mine - he doesn't drink, this is him being 'normal' what makes it worse is he's a teacher!!!! What a looper! -Orsm

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added,

"And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here."

"Where are you from, son?" "Texas, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Texas?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players down there." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Texas." "No shit???" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

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Three blondes are talking about their boyfriends. "It's funny," says Samantha, "Peter's balls are always cold as ice when I'm sucking his dick." "You know what?" replies Jenny. "It's exactly the same with my Richard..." They turn to the third blonde and ask, "When you blow Chris, are his balls cold, too?"

"Ugh! That's disgusting! I never put Chris's thing in my mouth!" "You're crazy," one of the blondes pipes up. "A good blowjob is the best way to keep a guy. You should try it." She says she'll think about it.

The next morning, they meet at the cafe and the blowjob novice is sporting a wicked shiner. "Whoa!" the first blonde asks. "How did you get that black eye?" "Chris hit me when I was blowing him," she says. "What on earth for?" the second blonde asks. "I don't know," she replies. "All I did was tell him how strange it was that his balls were so warm, seeing as how Pete's and Richard's are so cold."

ORSM VIDEO

New From Ikea

Dangle Berries

Fast Shooter

PingPong Madness

A father, son and grandson go out to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reach the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approaches them. She explains that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency which called him away and asks the trio whether she can join them.

Naturally, the guys all agree. Smiling, the blonde thanks them and says, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you wants to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear or tell off-colour stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."

With that the guys agree to relax and invite her to drive first. All eyes are fastened on her shapely behind as she bends to place her ball on the tee. She then takes her driver and hits the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green. The father's mouth is agape. "That was beautiful," he said. The blonde puts her driver away and says, "I really didn't get into it and I should have faded it a little."

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots (she was closest to the pin) the blonde takes out a nine iron and lofts the ball within five feet of the hole. The son says, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly." The blonde frowns and says, "it was a little weak. I've left a tricky little putt."

After the son buries a long putt for a par, dad two putts for a bogey and granddad overruns the green with his pitching wedge, chips back and putts for a double bogey, the blonde taps in the five-footer for a birdie.

The guys all congratulate her on her fine game. She puts her putter back in the bag and says, "Thanks, but I really haven't played much lately, and I'm a little rusty. Maybe I'll really get into this next drive."

Having the honours, she drives first on the second hole and knocks the hell out of the ball, and it lands nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. And for the rest of the round she continues to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they get to the 18th green, the blonde is three under par, but has a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turns to the three guys and , "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year old Royal Salute Scotch in him, fix him dinner and then show him a good time the rest of the night."

The yuppie son jumps at the thought. He strolls across the green, carefully eyes the line of the putt and finally says, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."

The father kneels down and sights the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darlin'. You want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and run it left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."

The old grey haired grandfather walks over to the blonde's ball on the green, picks it up and hands it to the her. "That's a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?"

Remember, age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill every time!

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A surgeon was retiring from his long and rewarding career as a specialist in circumcision. Throughout his career, he had saved the foreskins of his patients in specimen jars as mementos, and now wished to fashion them into a souvenir. So he brought his hundreds of specimens to a leathersmith, and asked him to craft an article of fine artistic quality. "I'll see what I can do," said the artisan, "Check back with me in one week."

The surgeon returned one week later, eager to see what magnificent article the leathersmith had made for him. The leathersmith presented him a wallet. "All those foreskins and you only make me a wallet?" exclaimed the surgeon. The leathersmith replied "Yes, but if you stroke it, it becomes a briefcase."

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A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier. A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe.

They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened. "Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, "Saddam Hussein is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash!" He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, "George W. Bush is a moronic deceitful, lying piece of trash too!" "We were standing in the middle of the road shaking hands when the truck hit us."

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Almost didn't make the deadline for this bad boy but somehow it all managed to come together just in time to hopefully keep you guy's happy whilst I go about my business for another week...

And now for some shameless self promotion... if you'd like to show me your love and gratitude for thousands of hours I pour into Orsmnet bringing you something new and exciting every week then swing by my wish list and buy me shit!

Anyway that's about all from me. Until next time, be good, stay off the chem's and for the love of god don't you think it's time you took your annual bath!? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.