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| orsmupdate 2011.06.30-17.27 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. You probably get this a lot... this isn't the real Caesar's Palace is it...?
How very cliché it is to begin yet another update with my thoughts on the weather but like when chocolate is involved, I just can't help myself. The last month has been the wettest start to winter in six years which I'm more than content about. The rain and associated cloud have kept the cold at bay meaning it's possible to function without wearing 47 layers of clothing and having to constantly moan about how much I 'hate this shit'.
Moving on. I've been under pressure to make a trip to visit my besties in Jakarta for over 4 years now. No real reason why I haven't managed to get my shit sorted and head up but with a 'now or never' scenario thrown at me it looks like I'll be on a plane for the first time in more than two decades sometime in the next month or two.
So first things first - have to get a passport sorted and that's how Friday kicked off. To make this happen a trip into the city to get a copy of my birth certificate was required. I came up with the ingenious idea of getting the GF to come with me... instead of trying to find parking she could just chuck laps around the city whilst I went to get the certificate. Departing the car I left her with the one and only thing anyone who is allowed behind the wheel is told: "watch the wheels". Regular Orsm reader will know that I'm ridiculously [perhaps pathetically] car-obsessed. My car is my baby, my pride and joy and my favourite feature are the oversize boots sitting snuggly under the guards and as such the whole "watch the wheels" thing has almost become a running joke.
Anyway fifteen minutes later I was done, got picked up and noticed a considerably different mood in the car. Headed out of the city to continue with the passport stuff. As we arrived at the shopping centre and parked there was a brief mention of something 'bad' I'd done recently then an eruption of tears followed eventually by a "You know how you always say 'watch the wheels'...?" Apparently there was an incident with a truck forcing her to take evasive action which in turn lead to the destruction of my previously unblemished left rear rim. The term 'gutter rash' doesn't quite cover it.
Here we have a prime example of 'crying is blackmail'. Most surprising was that I didn't get angry - it's one of those things you nervously joke about but accidents happen, it wasn't deliberate and after a few minutes was actually kind of funny... plus I'll be able to laude it over her to get what I want whenever it pleases me.
Early start to exercise on a magnificent post storm Saturday morning. A breakfast with friends was arranged at a place I've wanted to go to for ages. Despite the good company it was an experience tarnished by the worst coffee in the history of the world. I actually sent it back only to get a worse one in return. How café owners don't understand that coffee is the most important thing to get right mystifies me. You'd expect that 95% of the breakfast crowd are going to partake in bean-based beverages so if the coffee is good, the rest should take care of itself. Rest of the day was I was the tagalong with a mate who is currently house hunting. Definitely not the most awesome way to spend a day although lessons were learned. Firstly, the prices people are asking for gigantic piles of crap are outrageous. Secondly, perspective on what I will [and particularly won't] be able to afford was gained when the time comes to escape the current shit hole.
Slept in Sunday after a mildly late night on the town. Managed to get moving by midmorning and visit my niece ahead of what was supposed to be a 'quick' handyman job at a friend's place. There have been subtle, constant reminders for the last month that a TV wall mount had to be fitted and it was impossible to stall any longer. Maybe it's just an indication of my abilities but these 'quick' jobs never go quite according to plan, always involve an unplanned hardware store visit and stretch out for twice as long as you would think. Sure enough that's exactly what happened and by the time it was all done I sat on the couch to enjoy my handiwork only to realise the mother fucker was ever so slightly and ever so embarrassingly crooked. Sigh. I've promised to fix it this weekend which should buy me at least another month...
After feverishly working half of Monday we offered to take some friends kids for the afternoon and do a Zoo trip. Very new experience for me and bit of a reality check - not only are kids exhausting but they're expensive too. Lost count of how many times requests [read: harassment] for ice cream were made and can't imagine what that does to a parents patience when repeated every single day for all eternity. Whole thing was a lot of fun though.
Okay let's move on with the update. I still don't have my NAS back which is making life a little bit more challenging. On the upside the data recovery people seem to think chance of full recovery is very good so biding my time and remaining positive. As for what you'll find below - I have no doubts it will keep you guys amused, occupied and entertained so go forth and enjoy. Check it...
Don't even think about paying for porn on the
net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on
the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn?
Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us
who get
it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and
accept paying for porn the less free
porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!
Kill Hard - Babes On Babes - Meet The Medic - Lick The Floor - Amazing Bod - Crazy Japs - Stuck - Diiirty Granny
Teen Pussy - Today's WTF - Miranda Kerr - Moto GP Hilarity - Die Bieber! - Fascinating - BB Pwnd - Possessed
Over Corrected - Epic Lasagne - Webcam Hottie - Butch Bitch - Water Birth - Classy Girl - Retard - Yep He's Dead
I'm a teacher in an all-girls school and this morning one of the teen girls came to my office and said "Sir, I went to the doctors yesterday with a sore eye and he told me to take my bra off, is this normal?" "Yes, don't worry It's perfectly normal" I replied, "Now drop your knickers, I need to check your homework.
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My girlfriend's father gave me a nudge earlier when she had walked out the room and whispered "Have you thought about popping the question to my daughter then or what?" "Can I do that?" I asked. "Yeah of course" he replied. "You have my consent". "SARAH!" I shouted, "Can we have anal sex tonight?"
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Next time you're going down on a girl just remember one thing... the clitoris is just a little undeveloped penis!
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I asked a friend to get hold of some Viagra for me as I had a hot date, I saw him a couple of days later and he asked how I'd got on. "Amazing" I said "ten times... ten times!" "You're lucky you didn't break your back!" he replied. "My back? I'm lucky I didn't break my fucking wrist. She never showed up!"
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I was sitting at the traffic lights on the highway yesterday, next to a car load of Muslims, when a big semi-trailer drove right over the top of their car! "Wow!" I thought, "That could've been me"... so I went and got a truck licence!
ORSM
VIDEO
INGENIOUS ANALOGIES
-The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
-The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
-He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
-The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
-She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
-She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
-"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
-Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."
-The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
-The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
-She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
-Her pants fit her like a glove, well, maybe more like a mitten, actually.
-Fishing is like waiting for something that does not happen very often.
-It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
-He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
-The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr on a Dr Pepper can.
-It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
-He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
-The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
-Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
-They lived in a typical suburban neighbourhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
-John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
-He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
-Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
-Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
-He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
-The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
-The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
-The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton.
-He was as bald as one of the Three Stooges, either Curly or Larry, you know, the one who goes woo woo woo.
-The sardines were packed as tight as the coach section of a 747.
-Her eyes were shining like two marbles that someone dropped in mucus and then held up to catch the light.
-The baseball player stepped out of the box and spit like a fountain statue of a Greek god that scratches itself a lot and spits brown, rusty tobacco water and refuses to sign autographs for all the little Greek kids unless they pay him lots of drachmas.
-I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don't speak German. Anyway, it's a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don't know the name for those either.
-McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
-From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
-Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
-Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
-His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances, like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
-He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
-She grew on him like she was a colony of e-coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
-She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
-Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
-Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre.
-From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
-She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
-She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
-The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.
-His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
-He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
-The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
-Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
-He felt like he was being hunted down like a dog, in a place that hunts dogs, I suppose.
-Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
-They were as good friends as the people on "Friends."
-Oooo, he smells bad, she thought, as bad as Calvin Klein's Obsession would smell if it were called Enema and was made from spoiled Spamburgers instead of natural floral fragrances.
-She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain, and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the recipe, and on top of that you can't sing worth a damn.
-Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
-It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
-You know how in "Rocky" he prepares for the fight by punching sides of raw beef? Well, yesterday it was as cold as that meat locker he was in.
-The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
-The sunset displayed rich, spectacular hues like a jpeg file at 10 per cent cyan, 10 per cent magenta, 60 per cent yellow and 10 per cent black.
| CAPRI ANDERSON HAS A GORGEOUS VAGINA |
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A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker and because of the grief they have experienced. He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line the last guy in the line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says "Make 'em all ugly again!"
ORSM
VIDEO
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?" His wife replies, "Angie referred me to a hypnotist and he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat: I do NOT have a headache. I do NOT have a headache. I do NOT have a headache".
"Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone." "Well, that is wonderful," proclaims the husband.
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says "Don't move, I'll be right back".
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says "WOW! - that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back, and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. "OH MY," she proclaims. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him in the bathroom. She sees him standing at the mirror and saying "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife".
| FILTHY DIRTY HIPPIES |
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LITTLE JOHNNY ON MATH #1
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like you're thinking." Then little JOHNNY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little JOHNNY replied, "The correct answer is "the one with the wedding ring on," but I like you're thinking."
LITTLE JOHNNY ON MATH #2
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father?" "The teacher asked "How much is 2x3,"" I said "6", replies JOHNNY. "But that's right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?"" "What's the fucking difference?" asks the father. "That's what I said!"
LITTLE JOHNNY ON ENGLISH
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" JOHNNY says "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful." Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
LITTLE JOHNNY ON GRAMMAR
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is "urinate." Please use the word "ur-I-nate" in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit and then says, "You're an eight, but if You had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"
LITTLE JOHNNY ON GRAMMAR #2
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My Father bought my Mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Johnny. "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!""
LITTLE JOHNNY ON GETTING OLDER
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat six candy bars at a time?" Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business.
ORSM
GALLERIES
Was digging through some old files and found a whole bunch of unposted images so rather than delete them, I thought you guys may get some enjoyment. No promises as to the hotness or quality are hereby intended - this is one of those 'completely subjective' things. Either way I will keep dumping until the stockpile is exhausted. Check 'em...
You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!
READER MAIL
My inbox looked like a vagina belonging to a girl in one of those '500 penis challenge' videos this week. Such has been the influx of email and below you will find whole bunch of submissions that I deemed worthy but first...
If you want to contribute to Orsm and share something with the world then pics or video of a bitchy Ex or delicious girlfriend, demented shit, fucked up shit, funny shit, jokes, random videos, random shite or any other assorted media then you should stop whatever you're doing and email it my way very, very quickly. And how to do this? It's simple - just click here. Check it...
Chris wrote:
Subject: Mr Orsm
Hey Mr Orsm, I noticed something on your site this week. You have two videos of two people dancing, one is an old vid and the other pretty recent. This one and this one. What are the chances that they are the same person??? Look at it closely, they look the same, could it be???? Just thought I'd my two cents worth.
Uncanny and dare I say it, irrefutable. -Orsm |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Vancouver Roits
The Guy Kissing the girl is an Aussie, he is a lover not a fighter, first Aussie I ever met who did'nt like to fight Ha! Ha!............... Crazy bunch of Bastards. |
carl lewis wrote:
Subject: some truth?
Hi. my name is carl lewis I am the average person, but i feel i have a special insight as to why they wont legalize pot: 1) problem number one for the government is HEMP not pot. 2) if pot is legalized they would have to legalize hemp. they are from the same family. 3) so why are they afraid of hemp? hemp was a crop that was manditory to grow as a new comer to the new world. it was a manditory crop.
4) the constitution is written on hemp paper. 5) hemp will grow under almost any condition without any extra water pestaside or cultivation care. 6) hemp is a crop that rejuvinates the soil it is grown in once its tilled back into the soil. 7) hemp seed has a very high nutritional value.
8) hemp fibers can be added to concret to make it stronger. 9) hemp fibers can be made into cloth,and they are softer with ware. 10) hemp can be change to biofuels easier and more eficiently then corn. 11) hemp can take the place of paper saving many trees.
THE reason they wont legalize pot is not pot its hemp. hemp can disrupt the cotton industry, the paper industry, the energy industry, the animal feed industry. the bio fules industry. pretty much if it can be done with corn. cotton, or paper it can be done with hemp. |
Blair wrote:
Subject: Classic and hot tv commercial from the 80s
I remember this one from 1981. It's a fucking great commercial - they way beer is meant to be advertised! I've played it over half a dozen times, and the more I hear the song, the more I am convinced it's Jimmy Barnes singing it. Anyone of your readers know for sure? |
Ev wrote:
Subject: Wow...Thirsty Faucet...Reality...
That plumbing response you posted from me (Evan). and then the information cited under it (Gordon).the Perth plumbing thing. acid and stuff being poured down the drain. My first thought was: "No F'nShit!!!" My second thought was: "Dammit! I wish I didn't have an Imagination that has a 'Department of Randomly Using Weird Information to Figure out Easy Ways to Eliminate Mass Populations'." |
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Gordon wrote:
Subject: Re: that video
Orsm, yes it would be entirely possible for somebody to put chemicals back into the main given the right circumstances eg in that video clip. Imagine an 18 storey apartment block,say 6 apartments per floor,average 2-5 per dwelling.If a person saw their kitchen tap syphoning like that and they decided time had come or for whatever reason sprung to mind,then simply a matter of holding a glass or larger container of chemical will do it.As said previously when the water service resumes the chemical mixes and 540 people could die if all went to plan.Based on 5 per unit that is. The reason for all this being possible is;
1.Privatisation of water corporations,in previous times when the governments controlled the " water board" inspectors checked plumbers work and if they were'nt happy the plumber did to the inspectors liking.The "water board" then assumed responsibility for the public's wellbeing at our great expense.
2.After privatisation more fittings,tapware and sanitary fixtures became available because the "water board" no longer had jurisdiction over what was installed and tapware,fittings etc were'nt tested and stamped by the "water board." Now tapware such as mixer taps like in your kitchen and bathroom don't have any backflow protection measures as was the case previously.
3.With more people in the world more building,plumbing,electrics etc are needed,so the wise governments made plumbing licenses for one easier to get,to the detriment of the industry as they are discovering now.Previously only a nominated amount were granted a license and there was no right of appeal if you thought you'd passed all the tests.As with any industry the more people involved the more "shonky" operators are involved.Also too the people whose attitude says fuck it,I don't have to live here why should I do a good job and the ignorant who are too dumb to understand.
Just a few reasons to choose a licensed plumber with a good reputation,when they call ask to see their plumbing contractors license and don't accept any other license.Plumbers are expensive,but people probably forget that plumbing employers pay big for workers comp,public liability etc and then plumbers wages which are in line with the cost of living.I've sent a pic from a recent pub upgrade we did,if you look at the bottom left you'll see 2 brass valves,these are the backflow prevention devices I spoke of.The 2 valves are connected to washdown points in the bar,toilets and kitchen of pub,so staff attach a hose and wash the place after the close of business.You can imagine in a pub there's gonna be maybe vomit,maybe a toilet blocked with someone's undies(it happens) so if there's a cross connection from the hose to the water supply eg a hose left in toilet pan one or both of these valves activate and break the syphonage or suction.Once the syphon is broken the backflow stops and the public's safe.These valves are costly and are registered with the water corporation,they are tested annually to comply with regulations.Another reason why beer etc is so bloody costly. |
Hans wrote:
Subject: Tattoo fail
G'day mate ..... withold deets, please. Found this pic on the interwebs ...... thought you could use it. Great site, been visiting for years, blah blah blah ....
All this proves is that girls with big/nice tits don't have to be good at spelling. -Orsm |
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Bill wrote:
Subject: Random Shite
Saw this outside a thai restaurant in Koblenz, Germany
Apparently very popular with the gay community. -Orsm |
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Jeremy wrote:
Subject: You might find this useful
York council builds fence through goal posts
If you think of the fence as a net then it's all good. -Orsm |
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Phill wrote:
Subject: Boobs on ebay
Hello, Saw this as a subtle dropping in of boobs to an ebay auction and thought of your site, might provide some diversion :)
Sex sells... -Orsm |
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Emir wrote:
Subject: Random shite
in sedona, arizona. Please hide info
A win for apathy. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: picture
this is a picture of my little brother. i told him for being so stupid as to be photographed the way he's dressed i was going to post it all over the internet and make him famous lol. i would appreciate it if this made it into random shite or at least into reader mail. thanks bro and hide my details pls if it goes into reader mail |
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SEYMORE wrote:
Subject: more from seymore
Guy and hot air balloon. We rose with a sigh, the air above... |
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Higgs wrote:
Subject: Picture if my ex
Mr Orsm. Long time viewer , when I was younger I found some of your random shite pictures on someones work computer. Thank you for all the laughs and mind blowing ladies. Here's my ex that won't stop bugging me. Stupid iPhone won't let me send more then one picture at a time in email though. Won't allow me to watch your videos on it either. Stupid technology. Anyway , enjoy. Your loyal follower Up in Cold Canada ! |
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Ross wrote:
Subject: Cheap SS Commodore for sale
For sale VX Commodore sedan slightly damaged but has only 27klms on the clock. As new motor and front end. The police car had just been delivered to Benalla Police Station and was out on its first job attending an accident when rear ended by a semi. |
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Kel wrote:
Subject: on a street down under
Scroll slowly ..... What is it made of? |
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Jeff wrote:
Subject: Pictures from Road America
Orsmness, I spent last weekend at the SCCA (Sports Car Club of America) June Sprints at
Road America - 6/17/11 to 6/19/11. Attached are some pictures to share with
everyone!
Great pics. I'll take the Viper please. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Rank chick sketch
Love it !! Especially the last one. This is the funny guy who wrote the story about the missing cat... he's now getting into drawings..
Did a search for David Thorne [missing cat guy] but couldn't find anything linking him to these. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: me ;)
Here are some pics this girl sent me. Huge tits and nice muff too. Please withhold my info!!! Thanks love the site for years now!!! |
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Neb E wrote:
Subject: my Ex
I see no problem, I prefer the mail section hope he got lots of views! Sometime next month or so I'll send him a link to the fist posting :)
Previous images of this guy can be found here, here and here. -Orsm |
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Greg wrote:
Subject: Shannons sports & musclecar spectacular 2011
G'day. I took some photos today at QLD Raceway. Hope you can use 'em on the site. Note the "950HP" Mustang - they're not headlights poking out of the grille..... The #17 Rothmans Porsche 962c is NOT a replica, the 05 Marlboro VK is. The owner of the VK runs a model & memorabilia shop just down the road from my place, says it owes him almost $90k and 1000 man hours. The Driver sitting on the wheelarch of the 962c being interviewed is Thomas Mezera. |
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sean wrote:
Subject: a Warning !
Attached pdf well worth a look at (mercury poisoning)
Safe to say that the foot picture is going to haunt my dreams for a while. -Orsm |
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xitz wrote:
Subject: Machinery loading instruction
Often in life one comes across those that are so negative they find a fault in anything new and are fence or wall builders, blockers that always have a reason or an excuse and just see things as being too hard... and then there are those that see a problem as a challenge, look for a way over, under, around or through to a solution. This is called Progress |
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ORSM VIDEO
The largest condom factory in the States burned down. President Obama was awakened at 4 am by the telephone. "Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."
Obama: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in from Mexico." Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... the Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about the UK?" Obama says "Okay, I'll call Cameron and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans."
Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested... all coloured with Union Jacks with small writing on each one: MADE IN ENGLAND - SIZE: SMALL
| JANA JORDAN |
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Two gay guys are going to the Zoo in Sydney. They come across a gorilla and notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this.
One of the men just can't bear it any longer, and he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for two hours non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by.
When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.
A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?" "AM I HURT?" he shouts "Wouldn't you be...? He hasn't called... he hasn't written... nothing!!"
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After having dug to a depth of 100 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 200 feet and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists' discovery of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."
One week later, A local newspaper in Texas reported the following: "After digging as deep as 300 feet in his pasture near Lubbock, TX, Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless."
| TYRA BANXXX |
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An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realised he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle, and went "bang, bang". Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver". The doctor replied "My point exactly."
ORSM
VIDEO
That'll do us. I could go on but let's not ruin it and skip to the following...
- Check out the site archives. Don't pretend like you have something better to do. I used to be you.
- Next update will be next Thursday... because that [truth be known] that leaves me with a three day weekend.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will tie a chain around your ankles and drag you behind his pick-up truck.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stop settling. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2011.06.23-18.44 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Now serving all day breakfast.
One of the most annoying things about being slightly obsessive compulsive is my tendency to hoard. Being aware of it, I fight the urge to collect and keep junk however it generally only applies to things tangible. Admittedly there is crap stashed unobtrusively around the house that I probably don't nor will ever have a use for but it's more or less in line with what most would consider normal. That said, the same does not apply to data. Files don't take up anything more than hard disk space so you can have lots of them without feeling overwhelmed by a mess of rubbish and this suits me quite nicely.
I learnt a lesson a few years back in the form of a catastrophic PC failure. It took me weeks to slowly recover and thankfully got everything back. It was at the point I bought a NAS device [Network Attached Storage] which is basically just a big external hard drive configured in such a way that if one of the drives fails you don't lose your data. Jump forward to a couple of weeks ago when one of them failed. I noticed it straight away and set about trying to track down a replacement which for one reason or another wasn't that straight forward. So I left it for a couple of days... and then a couple of days after that the inevitable happened - a second drive failed. It's a heartbreaking feeling when you realise what that means. More than 10 years of every photo I've taken, family info, email and PC backups, porn, Orsm content and god knows what else all apparently lost forever. The NAS is now in the hands of a data recovery specialist for 'evaluation' - worst case scenario $4000-7000 which will be a huge shame because there is no way I am forking out that sort of money to get my data back. The moral of the story is whilst its obviously my fault, I still blame Seagate for making shitty enterprise level drives that can't stand up to the rigours of a single user.
Moving on. Two things that are annoying the bejesus out of me lately. First is the climate change debate. I now cringe every time someone says 'carbon price'. We've reached the point where so many dickheads are throwing out opinions as fast that it's impossible to give a single fuck about anymore. Second, are people who say shit like "Twitter or Twatter or whatever it's called". All you do is make yourself sound old and out of touch. Computers, iPhones, social media and even the internet aren't big evil things. Learn to adapt.
Okay let's spend some more time talking about me. Beginning with Friday - for the third week in a row it was back to the GP. With the arrival of my niece I was told a Whooping Cough injection was required. First time I had seen this particular doctor... and also the last. Felt it important to question the accuracy of his scales [because there was a 4kg drop from the Friday previous] compared to the other set I'd weighed myself on and he replied "Because they're digital". Gave him my best 'are you serious?' scoff which he didn't seem to appreciate and was ushered out soon after. Wanker.
Thursday had seen yet another newborn enter the world, this one belonging to two of my closest friends. A call went out late Friday afternoon for a 'wet the baby's head' get together. Despite an attempt to stay dry lately I agreed reluctantly and we started with dinner at a pub, a few beers, the transition to spirits, a stop at wine bar and finally up the road to another pub where we sat talking about unimportant things, reminiscing and watching a couple of clearly underage girls humorously try for over an hour to get in. Ended up being one of those very glad I went out nights though and the baby's head was well and truly wetted.
After being dropped off in my car the night before I was without transport until the girls popped by to collect me en route to some farmer's market thing. Saved by the rain, we instead headed for a shopping centre in search of coffee. Critical error on my part because there just happened to be a whole bunch of women's clothing stores that absolutely had to be scoured. A couple of hours later we were back on the road to meet up with some other friends ahead of another hospital stop to meet the aforementioned bub. Somewhere in there I agreed to go along to the wheelchair basketball season opener. All the standard jokes about spastics, retards, cripples, lazy etc were made in advance but to go there and see these guys with your own eyes is actually a humbling experience. The realisation of just how much we take our own mobility for granted sets in quickly. Hopefully I'll remember it next time I can't be bothered doing something I'm capable of.
Sunday morning was glorious and did not resemble anything resembling winter. I know this because every person I came across at the dog park said so. From there it was home to do some very quick gardening, off to visit friends and then lunch along the coast. The succession of too many late nights caught up with me that afternoon and a nap on the couch was required which rounded out yet another magnificent weekend.
Okay that'll probably about do it with the blog portion. As I've said many times - if you were smart then you've already scrolled down to the good stuff. I'm surprisingly satisfied with how this week's update turned out, especially considering the loss of so many important site-related files. Anyway... check it...
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Scary Thumb Dance - Crackhead Love - Kate Upton Tits - Burger Brawl - Grub - Ooops...! - Great Boobs
Beachball - Zombie Rifle - Bitch Slapper - Supreme KO - Crazy Nigga - Cereal Killer - Killer Legs - Comin' Through
My wife had a job interview at a camera store the other day. Before she left, she knew I'd have a joke lined up, so on her way out she said "Please don't give me any of your silly puns like 'you're a snappy dresser' or 'it'll be over in a flash' etc etc". Annoyed with her interrupting me I punched her in the face, and said "That bruise should develop in about an hour and if you interrupt my jokes again, well, you get the picture..."
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Teacher to class "Children, we are all descendants of Adam and Eve" Pupil "But Miss, my mummy and daddy said we came from the apes". Teacher "Stay out of this one Leroy, I'm not talking about your fucking family".
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Man... this Father's Day sucked. I didn't even get laid... damn kids. Once they turn 12 they get a mind of their own...
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I was feeling down earlier so I dipped my Muslim friend in bleach, I thought I'd try to lighten Mahmood.
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A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself "May I buy you a cocktail?" "No thank you," Maxine replies "Alcohol is bad for my legs". "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?" "No, they spread".
ORSM
VIDEO
SEX DEFINITIONS
SEX PENSION
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having pension sex." "Pension sex?" "Yeah, you know... I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell". "My dear" the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is...?" "The problem is" she complained, "it wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him and replied "You're never home!"
CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for small, $6,500 for medium, and $14,000 for large. The man was sure he would want a medium or large but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yelled, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'". "Yeah?" she replies "When you die I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last'".
WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said "This will make you happy tonight". He was right! When he went out of the bedroom I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
ELDERLY SEX
One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defence. She began coolly "Yes, your honour. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex... he could also fly.
| JAMIE HAMMER |
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A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches and had various bandages on his body and limbs went first.
"Well" he said "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation!'
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.
He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory he claimed "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul and just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!"
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors hanging out of him. He was in really bad shape!
The Rabbi looked up and said "Looking back on it, maybe circumcision wasn't the best way to start!"
ORSM
VIDEO
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied "They're lookin' to get married so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want".
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well..." said the man "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice... pigeon-toed". The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls. So the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well... " the man replied "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell... cross-eyed". The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming "She's perfect! Just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!"
So they were wed right away and nine months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified - the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human imaginable. A total disappointment. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well..." explained the farmer "She was just a weeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her".
| BOOBS: THE REASON BEACHES WERE INVENTED |
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Irish Fire Fighter Paddy was walking along the street during his once-in-a-lifetime visit to New York when he rounds a corner and there's a high rise building on fire. Paddy, ever the kind-hearted and resourceful Irishman, runs up to the building to see if he can help and notices a bunch of people trapped five stories up.
Paddy yells to the people "I'm Patrick Sean Michael Fitzpatrick, an Irish Fire Fighter on holiday. I'm also a Rugby Union fullback! If you jump out one at a time, I'll catch you!"
One lady, in desperation, is the first to jump and sure enough Paddy catches her. Then a man sees that Paddy catches the woman and jumps. Sure enough, Paddy catches him as well.
Then a black man jumps out and crashes to the sidewalk. Paddy didn't even attempt to catch him. Paddy looks up and yells, "Don't be throwin' down the burnt ones!"
| ORSM VIDEO: LEXXXI TYLER GOES SOLO |
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After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the supermarket. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the supermarket...
Dear Mrs Jacobs, Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
JUNE 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
JULY 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
JULY 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
JULY 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away". This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
AUGUST 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a box of SMARTIES on lay-buy.
AUGUST 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
AUGUST 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
AUGUST 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" Paramedics were called.
SEPTEMBER 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
SEPTEMBER 10: While handling knifes in the kitchen department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
OCTOBER 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
OCTOBER 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
OCTOBER 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
OCTOBER 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'*
OCTOBER 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"
| WEIRDO WEDDINGS |
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READER MAIL
Must say I'm quite impressed with the submissions this week... actually makes me look really popular when someone looks at my phone and sees the email icon showing 92 new messages. Please keep it up. It's what cool/good/awesome people do.
SO... if you want to contribute to Orsm and share something with the world then pics or video of a bitchy Ex or delicious girlfriend, demented shit, fucked up shit, funny shit, jokes, random videos, random shite or any other assorted media then you should stop whatever you're doing and email it my way very, very quickly. And how to do this? It's simple - just click here. Check it...
Evan wrote:
Subject: Thirsty tap....
After reading that plumber on the thirsty faucet.. Imagine if someone could, from their house tap, pump gallons upon gallons of poisons or chemicals, or even dirty "nuclear-laced" water into a cities water supply. Just mercury or high lead content water. Damn, that scares the Shit outta me. If water comes out of a water main, then it can go back in. |
Gordon wrote:
Subject: that video
So you got your arse bunged by a plumber and you'll now live with the problem if it arises. Please consider the following situations; a couple of years ago I did a "backflow prevention" job at a prominent university in Perth. They'd had to shut the drinking fountains down as people were complaining about the water having an odd taste and some people actually were sick. After investigations we found that the chem labs on a 2nd floor were using acids and they use a tube from the outlet of the lab tap set down to phials in the sink. When we cut pipe 2 floors below to do the work we found unsurpisingly that the water in the phials was sucked back up (as in the video) and therefore entered the potable water service. Once resealed the water went back on and as the sink taps were now closed where did the water come out next? The drinking fountains and staff and student toilets, potable water or drinking water. Also 2 floors down are the dilution pits where the lab sink water runs initially before disposal to sewer. On lifting the lids of the pits the acid smell was strong, small wonder people were ill etc. There have been deaths from "cross connections" of potable water supplies, not common or even common knowledge but I'm sure there'd be howls of protest if you or family etc were affected. |
DIN9LE wrote:
Subject: Idiot sighting
A friend of mine bought a bar and told me to come in and check out his new barmaid. My wife and I stopped in and I walked up to the bar and ordered 2 Buds. I asked her how much for the beers and she told me, "I have to ring them up." She went to the cash register and rung up the purchase turned around and said, "That'll be 6 dollars." I'm sure she wasn't hired for her math skills.
Idiot Sightings posted last update can be found here. -Orsm |
RH wrote:
Subject: An actual picture of the Joplin Tornado
That was not the tornado at Joplin. That pic was taken a few years ago near a small town close to Sioux City Iowa. That tornado killed a couple of Boy Scouts at a camp out.
Got similar emails from a few people. Thanks also be to David who sent this. -Orsm |
Spare wrote:
Subject: Something silly !!
See if you can touch his nose with your cursor... |
ursonegro wrote:
Subject: nipslip of j-lo
hi orsm, here is a nipslip of jennifer lopez at wetten dass! location: mallorca, spain 18.06.2011
We've waited patiently for a long time to see what was under the hood. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Employee guidance
I tried and I tried, but all I managed to do was rub my ass all over the faucet. Better luck next time I guess. Hide my info.
Can't quite work out what kind of business would require such a level of cleanliness... -Orsm |
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Greg wrote:
Subject: I have a question...
Nagasaki 1945, after the atomic bomb... Nagasaki 2011, following earthquake and tsunami. What the fuck is that arch made of??
Apparently untrue as Nagasaki was not affected by earthquake/tsunami. -Orsm |
Mike wrote:
Subject: You know what to do!
GO CANUCKS GO !!!! |
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Dave wrote:
Subject: Amid the chaos a couple kiss in the street
That looks to be a bit more than kissing. At any rate, looks almost staged. I was rooting for the Bruins, can't say I was shocked, happened before against the Rangers. |
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Wayne wrote:
Subject: A photo you might like to put on your site
If you put on your website can you email me back to say when it goes on ?... I have more too. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Aye fella, fantastic site. love your work. so when your lecturers tell ya not to reference wikipedia in uni assignments, this is why. hide the deets please
I had no idea she was so old. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Stop signs
Hey mate, Long time fan first t...etc.. Saw the stop sign in random shite and saw it in rome myself along with this one. Hide my details. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Laptop "scorll" lock button
I got a laptop awhile back (2008) and the thing is a little buggered. I should have known from the start, but I didn't catch on until early last year. My GF at the time pointed this out, and she posted it on Failblog. I figured it was at least worthy of some sort of mention by you. I wonder if this was some sort of foreshadowing of things to come. For what it's worth, it still works, it just isn't quite right (the battery says it is dying when it isn't) Here is the pic. Chinese manufacturing at its finest!! |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Scientists are baffled - What was missing in Japan?
There was an article in the US World Report regarding the orderly behavior of the Japanese citizens and the absence of looting after the earthquake, tsunami and nuclear nightmare. Social scientists are baffled by the total non-existence of looting and savage behavior in Japan considering the magnitude of this catastrophe. They conferred with human study organizations as well as sociology experts throughout the United States. Finally, after days and days of studies and meetings, they came to a conclusion. Guess what's missing in Japan! |
Michael wrote:
Subject: volcanic ash
EMB-190 in Argentina after the volcanic ash storm
With several appearances of the volcanic ash cloud over Australia in the last two weeks, this is what I've been expecting my car to look like. Fuck volcanos. -Orsm |
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James wrote:
Subject: More GF Pics
Hi Mr ORSM. More GF stuff.
Thank you good sir. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: sweet ride
i saw this sweet ride today... hide the info please
Good taste... not everyone has it. -Orsm |
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Neb E wrote:
Subject: my Ex
thank you for posting the pics and the link to last weeks pics :)) one day I'll send him a link (not now, he'd email and bother you) I may send a few more but you mostly have all the good ones ;)
Previous images of this weirdo can be found here and here. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: worls gayes fight ever!
Here is a vid of the worlds best fag fight. what happened is my bro Dallas was upset thet Larry stole his pillow and the following comensed. Beer bottle to the head needed a little medical attention but other than that a few broken hearts and several sprained penile implants. |
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Brett wrote:
Subject: Billy The Bear Ep 3
Hi Mr Orsm, Thought you may want to put up the third instalment of Billy the Booby Trap Bear. Thanks and as always a great site! YouTube link [here].
Looking forward to ep 4. Anyone who missed the first couple - part 1 is here and part 2 here. -Orsm |
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ORSM VIDEO
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..." "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!"
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs Smith. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that". "Don't I know it," said Mgrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus" he said. "Oh, my God!" Mrs Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look". "Four and five deep!?" said Mrs Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh... equipment?" "It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away." "Tripod?" "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
| EVE LAURENCE IS BEST SERVED NAKED |
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A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life. A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into laughter. When all eyes stared at him he said "I am so sorry - I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynaecologist!"
RANDOM SHITE
It's not a big deal. Surf through the pics and blow your mind. Check it...
The guys were all at camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they agreed to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said "Man, what happened to you? He said "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night".
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes bloodshot. They said "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Steve's turn. Steve was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said "Well, we got ready to sleep. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night".
| MELISSA LAUREN |
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TO WHOM DOES THE LAND OF ISRAEL BELONG?
An Israeli sense of humour at the UN set the record straight. An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile.
A representative from Israel began "Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses: When he struck the rock and it brought forth water he thought 'What a good opportunity to have a bath!' Moses removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them!"
The Palestinian representative at the UN jumped up furiously and shouted "What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren't even there then. The Israeli representative smiled and said "And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech..."
ORSM
VIDEO
I'm almost sad to say that brings us to the end of another update... almost. Can't remember the last time I had a week as productive as this one and I'm generally pretty productive so hopefully you guys enjoyed what you just finished wasting some time on. If not, then I suspect the problem is with you...
- Check out the site archives. Because come on - what else do you have on that's more important than a plethora of free porn, videos, jokes and random shit? Nothing right...?
- Next update will be next Thursday. If my mummy let's me.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray put your dick in liquid nitrogen.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and was there really any reason to do that...? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2011.06.16-18.16 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Is there a difference between not knowing and knowing you don't know...?
Once upon a time, at this time of year, I'd waltz around contently in not much more than shorts and a t-shirt but as I've now become a summer person and rue winter, the cold it brings and everything is represents, it seems pertinent to list a few things I'm currently hating: toilet seats are always cold; towels don't completely dry between showers; it's impossible to keep the car clean; increased electricity bills due to constant heater use; untanned, pale skin; girls show less cleavage/leg; leaves falling from trees create a mess; and it's way harder to drag yourself out of bed in the morning.
Keeping true to current form I'm on the tail end of another gigantic week. More hours than I care to remember have been spent in a hospital than any non-sick person should ever have to spend but thankfully that has come to an end for the time being... and by that I mean until my besties pop out their third child any minute now. The first hospital visit took place last Wednesday to see a friend. My sis also checked in the same night for baby delivery however the unborn child had other ideas and she was sent home. That made Thursday feel particularly long waiting to find out if I was to become an uncle or aunt. All was finally revealed though with a 1am phone call and I'm now officially an aunt...
I've been finding it hard to maintain my routine lately due to everyone wanting or needing something and the thing most suffering is my [now] much loved morning exercise. Friday was another example of this and I was instead on the road early to battle peak hour traffic and selflessly give my time for such people. Was another to the GP afterwards, this time to get a couple of warts burnt off. Nowhere near as painful as expected and the one hour wait to be seen was enjoyable in that it was the first time I'd had to just sit and do nothing in almost forever. From there it was time for a long overdue dentist visit. This was a lesson in not asking questions you may not want the answer to because the 'cleaning' I booked in for turned into an orthodontist consult after mentioning a tooth that was sort of bothering me. A knowing smile behind the surgical mask, dollar signs in his eyes, the recommendation was for braces. I'm torn about this one - 'cosmetically' my teeth really aren't that bad but the annoyance is fixable. My only stipulation is that they would have to be on and off within 6 months which apparently is doable... even though I know that like a woman, dentists will say anything to get your money. Decisions, decisions...
Finally got to meet my niece that afternoon. Tried having a chat but ended up a little disappointed that she didn't really have much to say... was wearing my best aftershave and everything.
With one of my best mates in town we tried to book a round of golf for the Saturday morning. Must've called eight or nine courses but everywhere was fully booked. Who'd have thought such an incredibly frustrating sport was so popular...? A few of us instead got together and did breakfast which was pretty much the perfect way to start a weekend especially compared to walking around a freezing golf course. The afternoon was low key with most of it spent going from one side of the hospital to the other of between friend and sister/bro-in-law/baby whilst making fart jokes in the elevators. How to turn a girl bright red in less than one second? Point and say "Do NOT fart again! There are other people in here this time!"
The evening was all kinds of awesome. It's been a long time between boy's nights so we began at a city restaurant which was my first experience in a fine dining establishment. The food was amazing, wine spectacular, service outstanding but the highlight was the hand dryer in the men's bathroom. Apparently these are quite common but have never come across them before. We hit one of the newish boutique micro-bars which are starting to appear around the city later and then our regular/favourite bar before making it home by 3am-ish. Good night was good.
Woke up early from a weird dream the next morning. Something to do with accidentally pushing over the much disliked Federal Communications Minister... he's the one who is behind the Internet Filter and National Broadband network, funnily enough two things I strongly oppose. First port of call after I dragged myself out of bed Sunday morning was [not surprisingly] the hospital. Thankfully my final visit and this time to transport sicky friend plus the plethora of flowers home. Rest of the day was spent catching up with friends, watching the footy and even squeezed in a greatly needed afternoon snooze. Magic.
Alright enough with the babblings of a guy you don't really care about. Everything below here has been lovingly compiled, assembled and put together in a way that should provide hours of entertainment and pleasure as well as keeping you away from whatever else it is you're supposed to be doing so go forth and enjoy. Check it...
Don't even think about paying for porn on the
net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on
the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn?
Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us
who get
it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and
accept paying for porn the less free
porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!
Too Addictive - Vagina Ain't Handicap - Girls Gone Wild - Moombahton! - Oktoberfest Girls - Free BJ - Gigantic Jugs
The F Bomb - Crackhead Lulz - Miranda Kerr - Tough Mum - Brave Baby - Stoopid Blonde - Angry Elephant
Voluptuous - I Can't Look! - Heroin Cock - Punishment - Ninja Glock - Clown Protest - Well Past It - Hard Landing
How does every ethnic joke start? With a look over your shoulder...
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My new aboriginal neighbour popped his head over the fence today and said "Hey bro, what's going down?" I said, "The value of my fucking house you black prick!"
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When asked in a recent survey, 90 per cent of Australian men responded that their most memorable and joyous moment in life was being present at the birth of their first-born child. Obviously none of them have ever seen a Nigerian being run down by a road train.
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Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, "Bugger that - knowing my luck, I'd win one!"
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What do you call 1000 Somalis in a fast flowing river? Black current.
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I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I rooted a sheila called Penny - spooky or what?
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The missus asked me "When you're on a boy's only trip away, do you think about me?" Apparently "Only to stop myself coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.
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Lady Gaga's personal assistant has been docked a month's pay, after he allegedly groped her backstage after a show. He was lucky he didn't get the sack.
ORSM
VIDEO
IDIOT SIGHTING #1
I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400. I said "May I have large bills, please?" She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size". When I got up off the floor I explained it to her....
IDIOT SIGHTING #2
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey!" I announced to the technician, "it's open!" His reply "I know. I already got that side".
IDIOT SIGHTING #3
We had to have the garage door repaired. The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time - a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower". I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not! Four is larger than two!"
IDIOT SIGHTING #4
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said "You gave me too much money". I said "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter and said "We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing". The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
IDIOT SIGHTING #5
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!" I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
IDIOT SIGHTING #6
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce'. He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
IDIOT SIGHTING #7
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded "That's why we ask".
IDIOT SIGHTING #8
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita.
IDIOT SIGHTING #9
At a good bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing' our manager commented cheerfully "This is fun. We should do this more often".
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
IDIOT SIGHTING #10
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less.
IDIOT SIGHTING #11
How would you pronounce this child's name? "Le-a" Leah?? NO. Lee - A?? NOPE. Lay-a?? NO.
Lei?? Guess Again. This child attends a school in Kansas City. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. It's pronounced "Ledasha". When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name she said "The dash don't be silent."
IDIOT SIGHTING #12
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
IDIOT SIGHTING #13
One of my friends once had his photos taken at a local photo shop. The next day he went to pick them up but the person at the desk refused to give him his photos without the purchase slip and the photos themselves were not enough to convince him that it was actually the right person wanting his photos back.
IDIOT SIGHTING #14
I had been Christmas shopping. It was past 9pm, most of the stores had closed and I was tired and hungry. I came across one of the better-known fast food chain restaurants which was still open, but was about to close in 15 minutes. I hurried in and saw, to my dismay, that while the counter and dining room areas were still lit, the entire kitchen area was dark and very empty. I asked the counter girl if I could still get something to eat. She answered that although she couldn't cook me anything, they did have some hamburgers in the warmer. I ordered two hamburgers, plain. The girl grabbed her microphone and said to nobody "Two hamburgers, please, plain." Then she walked around to the dark and empty kitchen, took two hamburgers out of the warmer, walked back to the counter and served them to me.
IDIOT SIGHTING #15
I went to a clothing store and bought a skirt for $7. With tax my total came to $7.51; I handed the cashier $8.01 and she had to take out a calculator to figure out how much change she had to give me back. I told her she owed me 50 cents.
IDIOT SIGHTING #16
One of the requirements of borrowing money from the bank I was working at was to confirm the income of the individual either by way of pay stub or a letter from your employer. A young fellow came in one day and told me he wanted to borrow some money but he was training to be a professional wrestler so didn't have a steady stream of income. I asked him to get a letter drawn up confirming the amount and return to the bank as soon as possible. He wasn't clear on this so I told him he needed a piece of paper from his employer, saying how much money he makes, and it should have letterhead at the top of the page. Well, the next day he did return, with a letter done up in his own hand writing, saying "I, John Smith, make $1000 a month", and the word "Letterhead" clearly hand printed at the top of the page.
IDIOT SIGHTING #17
I work in a small town in Mississippi, right across the state line from Memphis, TN. At lunch one day, I was at Sonic and when the man asked for my order over the intercom, I told him that I wanted a BLT with cheese, no mayo. To which he promptly asked, "Would you like Lettuce and Tomato?"
IDIOT SIGHTING #18
I used to live in Hawaii on the island of Oahu and was the manager of a large tourist gift store. Customers would come up to me and see my manager name tag and ask. "Oh, Do you live here in Hawaii? I would respond... "No, I commute back and forth from California everyday".
| HANNAH HILTON |
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A little boy and his parents go to the circus... just as the elephants begin to enter the centre, the dad gets up from his seat and heads off to get the family some popcorn. As the elephants begin their performance, one of the male elephants sees a female elephant and starts to become aroused.
The little boy sees this and asks his mother "Mummy, what's that on the elephant?" "That's his trunk" the mother replies. "No mum not that! On the back there?" asks the lad. "Oh, that's his tail," responds his mother. "No mum! I know what the trunk and the tail are, I mean underneath the elephant," pipes the boy pointing to the creature's nether region.
The mother blushes and responds "Oh that's nothing. Where's your father?" Just then the father returns with the popcorn and the mother quickly speeds off to the restroom to avoid further questioning by her son. So the boy asks his father the same. "Daddy what's that under the elephant, not the tail or the trunk but UNDER him?"
Without hesitation dad replies "Son, that is the elephant's penis". "But mum said it was nothing!" states the bewildered youngster. The father puts his arm around the boy's shoulder and says, "Son, I spoil that woman!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: "God, please give me the strength to cross this river" and POOF! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice that is.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed: "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river" and POOF! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river" and POOF! HE WAS TURNED
INTO A WOMAN!!!
She checked the map, hiked one hundred metres upstream... and walked across the bridge.
| UP THE DUFF |
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An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says "Seven Points". His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "Its fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score..." After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says "Aha! I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says "Touchdown, tie score". Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally soils the bed.
The wife says "What the hell was that?" The old man says, "Half time. Switch sides".
| ORSM VIDEO: PUMA AND FAITH LEZ THINGS UP |
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One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
"Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the postman comments.
David, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing "WHO AM I."
The postman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?" "Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The postman laughs and says, "Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it." "Probably a good thing you did," David responded. "Your name came up 7 times..."
| SUN CITY RESORT, SOUTH AFRICA |
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READER MAIL
Okay so when I mentioned that the new mail notifications were driving me a little bit insane last week, it was not a veiled plea to send me less email. Things were a touch quieter which absolutely sucks balls. For some reason updates always turn out better when I'm under the pump so again I urge you all to pump my box like it was a whore's vagina. That said, there has still be enough quality submissions to keep everyone amused for a while.
SO... if you want to contribute to Orsm and share something with the world then pics or video of a bitchy Ex or delicious girlfriend, demented shit, fucked up shit, funny shit, jokes, random videos, random shite or any other assorted media then you should stop whatever you're doing and email it my way very, very quickly. And how to do this? It's simple - just click here. Check it...
Gordon wrote:
Subject: thirsty tap
hey orsm,how's it? I don't wish to sound pedantic and boring, but the thirsty tap video clip bothers me. I'm a plumber, so one of my jobs is to make sure this can't happen. If ya think about it in depth, it means ya might cop someone else's chemicals from elsewhere. If anyone sees it happening, report it promptly please.
After being bent over and having my bunghole gently tickled a few weeks back by a plumber to do a job that I could have done myself for less $20, I'd now be inclined to just live with such a problem. -Orsm |
Austin wrote:
Subject: U N B E L I E V A B L E
I don't know. Maybe we should follow our beloved president and understand that it is WE WHO HAVE Voted against THEM. We should send NASA to work with them to show them that "YES WE CAN BECOME ANIMALS LIKE THEM. This list is just some of the Muslim countries voting against us. The list of all of the countries voting against US is quite a bit longer. Just the way he likes it. Read and scroll all the way to the bottom. What is wrong with us?? [continues] |
John wrote:
Subject: Deer Picture in Memphis FRONT PORCH OF A HOUSE
This is what all the flooding is doing to the wood work in Memphis!
Oh deer... -Orsm |
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justin wrote:
Subject: How to spot a meth lab - important info
Police Advisory/Neighbourhood Watch - How to Spot a Meth Lab..... As a law enforcement officer I have been approached by several people lately wanting to know how to identify a Meth Lab. Below is a picture of four Labs. I think it's pretty obvious which one is the Meth Lab. I hope this helps. Let me know if I can be of any further service in this matter. |
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Ev wrote:
Subject: Planking...
Sounds stupid. But this is funny. Peace
Humorous that the death of one idiot has provided so much joy to so many people. -Orsm |
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Brian wrote:
Subject: Submission
Going through my LinkedIn account and saw this as a possible new connection to make. The stars and moon had to align just right for his name, title and company to all fall into place. |
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Al wrote:
Subject: got teeth?
found on ebay... came up while looking for shipping a certain size shipping box for mailorder.. it's a strange world we live in.. |
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Tomas wrote:
Subject: Remote Control Helicopter
Used for crop spraying. $120,000 over 4 yrs to lease. No buying option due to military restrictions.
Have absolutely no use for it but at the same time desperately want one. -Orsm |
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John wrote:
Subject: An actual picture of the Joplin Tornado
I found this on the Facebook page of a friend that lives in Joplin. This was supposedly taken by someone at the St John's Hospital.
"Ohh look at the pretty tornado" -Orsm |
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Jd wrote:
Subject: find the cat
I FOUND THE CAT CAN YOU........... Its really there!!!
Once you see it... -Orsm |
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John wrote:
Subject: funny screen shot from Yahoo7
ex-head? so he USED to give head?? lol |
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Lou wrote:
Subject: A text I received
This is why you double check a number before tou text a picture of your shortcomings. Bet this wee putz wishes he did.
I'm sure he has a great personality though. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: snow
Hello Mr. ORSM, We had a little snow at our ski resort on Vancouver Island. The condo shot has no relation to the damaged building. The photos of the house were taken at the third floor level. The guy didn't have a building permit and didn't know how to build for an 800cm. snowfall. The building was on sidehill and the snow creep just pushed it over. |
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James wrote:
Subject: Some More GF Shots
Hi MR Orsm. Thanks for using my pics last week. Here are some more GF shots. Hope you enjoy these.
I think we need to see boobs. -Orsm |
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Kel wrote:
Subject: Very Rare cars
Beautiful vehicles - works of art. cheers
Wouldn't mind this or this. -Orsm |
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Jd wrote:
Subject: TREATING A BLACK EYE...
A black eye (periorbital hematoma) or 'shiner' (colloquial) is bruising around the eye commonly due to an injury to the face rather than an eye injury. The name is given due to the color of bruising. The so-called black eye is caused by bleeding beneath the skin around the eye. Sometimes a black eye indicates a more extensive injury, even a skull fracture, particularly if the area around both eyes is bruised (raccoon eyes) or if there has been a head injury. [continues] |
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xitz wrote:
Subject: Sky Park - Amazing................
This came to me from a friend in the USA, I just love how she states it was built from the transfer of funds from the US... more likely she forgot to say United States of China!! Amazing...who would have imagined this was possible 15 years ago.. especially in the Asian countries. There are many big technological wonders coming out of India and China fueled by the transfer of wealth from the US to Asia. In Singapore, opened Sky Park June 24 in Singapore, opened a new wonder of the world. "Sky Park" Marina Bay Sands is located on the 200-meter height on the three skyscrapers, as if on three pillars. Here is the most expensive in the world of casinos, bars, restaurants, the largest outdoor swimming pool, 150 meters long and even the Museum of Modern Art. |
Iain wrote:
Subject: CHEVY PLANT
Hey mate, thought you could use this. This incident happened in the Oshawa CP Rail yard which ships out the GM vehicles. One of the car men who attaches and detaches the car haulers, accidentally unhooked a set of train cars without having the brakes applied. The Oshawa rail yard has a slight incline to it, so when the set of cars was unhooked from the engine it started to roll down the hill, it smashed through the stop block and then through the fence and continued into the parking lot where GM stores the new vehicles that come off the line. Over 300 vehicles were damaged. |
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Austin wrote:
Subject: Tinian Island, Pacific Ocean
It's a small island, less than 40 square miles, a flat green dot in the vastness of Pacific blue. Fly over it and you notice a slash across its north end of uninhabited bush, a long thin line that looks like an overgrown dirt runway. If you didn't know what it was, you wouldn't give it a second glance out your airplane window. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Hi i found these photo's this slut sent to my boyfriends (now ex) phone, thought
you might like to post them. This girl was friends with one of my uni mates and
used to hang around our group a few years ago until she slept with almost every
guy including my friends fiance and another girls boyfriend. She is a total
slut since she likes sharing these pics with other womens men so much im sure
she won't mind sharing them on your website
|
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Neb E wrote:
Subject: my Ex
thank you sooo much for using the pics, guess you couldn't use the one to bad :( if I make any others with the shots I have do you mind me sending them. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Cool Bar Crew
Hey ORSM, If you haven't already had this on your site, well worth an add, some bar tenders with way too much time on their hands!!! |
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ORSM VIDEO
Recently a routine police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.
To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication. The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken." "I doubt it" said the man "tonight I'm the designated decoy".
| CELESTE STAR |
 |
|
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain-smoker, and one was a homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.
The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctor's words.
As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.
The homosexual looked at the chain-smoker and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead".
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A traveller in England on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by Australian Customs Agents at the airport.
"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent. "I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the bloke. "Sure mate, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.
"But I can prove I'm an Australian!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Bob Hawke tattooed on one side of my arse and Paul Keating on the other." "This I gotta see!" replied the agent.
With that, the bloke dropped his strides and showed the agent his behind.
"By hell, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Melbourne!" "Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Melbourne?" The agent replied "I recognised Julia Gillard in the middle."
| ANETA: A TASTY EURO WE'D ALL LIKE TO GET INTO |
 |
|
His request approved, the news photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him on the tarmac.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut and shouted "Let's go!"
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot "Fly over the valley and make low
passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides".
"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm a photographer for CNN" he responded "and I need to get some close up shots".
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally he stammered "So, what you're telling me is... you're NOT my flight instructor!?"
ORSM
VIDEO
"Can it be over already?" you ask glumly. Sadly yes but don't worry - I got you guys covered. Read:
- Check out the site archives. You'll find the previous 23 updates from this year plus the previous 10 years of updates before that. Cool huh!?
- Next update will be next Thursday... and every Thursday after that, until the end of time, or until I shut down the site, get bored or until I die.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will infect you with aids, wait until you die and then protest your funeral with the Westboro Bapist Church.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and rug up. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
|
| orsmupdate 2011.06.09-17.54 |
|
Welcome to Orsm.net. Common sense... not very common these days.
Pretty sure this is the all-time highpoint of my life. Some long-term goals are finally being realised, or are at least within reach, and so many good things are happening that it all feels a bit surreal. The realist/pessimist within knows it can't possibly stay this way forever but for the moment I'm just going to sit back and enjoy.
Keep hearing a radio ad about plain packaging for cigarettes. Our glorious leaders are trying to bring in laws to make cigarettes packets generic and less appealing to kids. Apparently a few decade ban on advertising, bans on smoking in pubs and restaurants, extortionately high prices [read: taxes] as well as requiring retailers to have displays completely covered isn't enough therefore smokers will soon be forced to carry around ugly poo-green coloured packets instead. Littering the airwaves like discarded cigarette butts, the ad campaign is being waged by tobacco companies and their main argument is that it'll be easier for black market cigs to be sold and avoid taxes. I'm not really sure how this is a bad thing though... as long as I can find somewhere to buy cheap smokes I don't really care what the packaging looks like.
Okay onto the effervescent activities of my life for the last however long. Has not been a single unoccupied minute and I'm cool with that. Let's start with Friday shall we? My criteria for deciding when a GP visit should take place are quite simple - must be at least three things I need attending to [or one really serious one]. So off I went thinking it would be a 5 minute in-and-out deal but it ended up closer to 45 with strict instructions to not go anywhere else before getting some x-rays done. So that was next and thankfully I'm completely healthy. Zipped off to meet up with my incredibly oversized, pregnant sis for a coffee afterward, obtained grocery items and spent the rest of the day working ahead of dinner that night in Fremantle. Why we had to go so far for steamed veg and prawns remains unclear but good way to kill some time before joining friends for some humorously antagonistic bowling.
Managed to get talked into breakfast with friends at a shopping centre/mall/whatever that I've spent years avoiding because it's kind of grotty and the people who frequent it kind of scare me. The trick in such situations is to stick to coffee only and thereby minimise your risk. Had most of the afternoon to kill so went to visit friends and again ended up sitting in a café enjoying a quiet wine and letting them enjoy my company.
Saturday night began with a surprise 40th birthday party. Have to hand it to them - the birthdayee had absolutely no idea it was coming and not sure I've ever seen someone so surprised and happy. From there was a choice I had no say in - karaoke. Have never been close to a karaoke joint because it doesn't appeal and as I only knew one person there, definitely wasn't going to grab the mic and invite mockery upon thyself... and yes I get the fact it's not about being a good singer but if it were a bunch of my mates and a lot of alcohol was involved it may have been a different story. Was instead befriended by an 8yo in the group who spent the next hour using my arms to play noughts and crosses and give me 'I love my mum' and 'I am BFG' [Big Friendly Giant] tattoos. Next stop was a city pub. Honesty why people choose to sit in beer gardens when the temperature is below retarded defies me. Maybe I need to toughen up because even with three layers, a scarf and my testicles fully retracted I watched almost in awe the plethora of barely dressed slutty girls strut around completely oblivious to it. And they reckon we need a carbon tax... could stand to be a few degrees warmer if you ask me.
Sunday was the first chance I'd had to properly wash the car in what felt like months. Still not quite enough time to get my baby perfect but enough so that I can drive around without feeling like people are judging me [like I do others]. From there went to catch up with a mate and watch the footy and then back into the city to some sort of waterfront bar place to catch up with others. Wanted a quiet one on the couch that night but it wasn't to be. First stop was a pub... then a club... then a bar. All meant to be just a quiet drink at each and being nominated driver this suited me however the girls had other ideas and much champagne was consumed leading to a very real threat of vomit being sprayed across my car interior. Funny and at the same time terrifying.
Monday was a public holiday. Not too sure what it was for but that 'don't look a gift horse in the mouth' thing applies. The social insanity continued with a breakfast catch up with friends and then later my first time at the cinema for as long as I can remember. Talking 10 years or more. My aversion to the cinema has something to do with not being able to hold the remote control, the noise that other people make and of course it's never as comfortable as your own couch. We saw The Hangover II. If you loved the first one you will be as impressed. If not then it's just more of the same. The tranny scene was fucking hilarious though. All up and without a doubt the best weekend I've had all long weekend and maybe forever.
Alright that went way, way longer than it was supposed to. Sucks for you guys that I had something to say I guess. Anyway let's get cracking with another kick-ass update. Some serious hours have gone into this puppy so please go forth and enjoy. Check it...
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Super Hotties - Awesome Titties - Shark Whisperer - Bad Ass Bitch - Love & Marriage - Playing Dead - Real Fatty
I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts "That's just for starters!"
--
Sky News are reporting that the Irish have joined in the attack on Libya. They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement. It was a mortar attack.
--
My son asked me today "What's the difference between a crow and a blackbird?" I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped tails whereas a blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive arse.
--
I was feeling down earlier so I dipped my Muslim friend in bleach. I thought I'd try to lighten Mahmood.
--
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?" they inquired. "A tough call" nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"
--
In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came over and says "Curry Ok?" I said "Go on then, just one song then bugger off".
ORSM
VIDEO
ENTIRELY USELESS, ABSOLUTELY UNVERIFIED BUT APPARENTLY TRUE FACTS
-Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the western Pacific.
-Barbie's full first name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
-Blondes have more hair than dark haired people do.
-The two longest one-syllable words in the English language is "screeched. & strengths."
-Belgium is the only country that has never imposed censorship for adult films.
-A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue.
-Bees kill more people a year than sharks do.
-Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow film down so you could see his moves.
-A hippo can open its mouth wide enough to fit a 4 foot tall child inside.
-The two longest one-syllable words in the English language is "screeched. & strengths."
-Brazil is the only country to have played in every World Cup soccer tournament.
-Bulls are colour-blind, it is the motion of the cape which angers them.
-Babe Ruth kept a lettuce leaf under his hat to keep cool during a game.
-Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from blowing sand.
-Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American.
-Broccoli and cauliflower are the only vegetables that are flowers.
-Certain frogs can be frozen solid then thawed and continue living.
-China has more English speakers than the United States.
-By age sixty, most people have lost half of their taste buds.
-Cheese is the oldest of all man-made foods.
-Before 1850, golf balls were made of leather and were stuffed with feathers.
-Bill Clinton is the only President ever to be elected twice without ever receiving 50% of the popular vote. He had 43 percent in 1992 and 49 percent in 1996.
-Children grow faster in the springtime.
-"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
-By the time a child finishes elementary school she will have witnessed 8,000 murders and 100,000 acts of violence on television.
-A healthy human eye can distinguish between 500 shades of gray.
-Banana plants are the largest plants on earth without a woody stem. They are actually giant herbs of the same family as lilies, orchids and palms.
-Casanova wore condoms made of linen.
-A man and woman in Mexico city were engaged for 67 yrs and finally married at the age of 82 yrs.
-Back in the mid to late 80s, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered 100% compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator.
-A Horse has 18 more bones than a Human.
-Barbers are forbidden by law from shaving a man's chest in Omaha, Nebraska.
-Both George Washington and Thomas Jefferson grew cannabis sativa (marijuana) on their plantations.
-A kangaroo can jump up to 3 meters high and leap up to 8 meters.
-Theaters in Glendale, California can show horror films only on Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday.
-You can't plough a cotton field with an elephant in North Carolina.
-In Lehigh, Nebraska it's against the law to sell donut holes.
-Under the law of Mississippi, there's no such thing as a female Peeping Tom.
-Anti-modem laws restrict Internet access in the country of Burma. Illegal possession of a modem can lead to a prison term.
-Lawn darts are illegal in Canada.
-In Idaho a citizen is forbidden by law to give another citizen a box of candy that weighs more than 50 pounds.
-Every citizen of Kentucky is required by law to take a bath at least once a year.
-It is against the law to whale hunt in Oklahoma. (Think about it...)
-A Venetian law decrees that all gondolas must be painted black. The only exceptions are gondolas belonging to high public officials.
-In the state of Queensland, Australia, it is still constitutional law that all pubs (hotel/bar) must have a railing outside for patrons to tie up their horse.
-According to law, no store is allowed to sell a toothbrush on the Sabbath in Providence, Rhode Island. Yet these same stores are allowed to sell toothpaste and mouthwash on Sundays.
-Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.
-All of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.
-A coat hanger is 44 inches long if straightened
-The word 'byte' is a contraction of 'by eight.'
-The word 'pixel' is a contraction of either 'picture cell' or 'picture element'.
-The two longest one-syllable words in the English language is "screeched. & strengths."
-Cat's urine glows under a black light.
-The average ear of corn has eight hundred kernels arranged in sixteen rows.
-The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.
| CASSIA RILEY |
 |
|
A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his mum to come out. While waiting the little boy gets bored, and just when mum comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.
"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?" The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten.
For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend.
One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want." "What do you mean?" he asks. "Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.
"HELL NO!" he cries, "you've got teeth down here!" "Don't be ridiculous," she responds "there's no such thing as teeth down there!" "Yes there are," he says, "my mum told me so".
"No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek. "No I'm sorry" he says. "My mum already told me that ALL women have teeth down there."
"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there" The boy takes a good long look and replies "Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"
ORSM
VIDEO
DEFINITIONS FOR WORDS OLD AND NEW
Read closely, and perhaps slowly, to understand...
ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds.
ABDICATE: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
ARACHNOLEPTIC FIT: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do.
BALDERDASH: A rapidly receding hairline.
BEELZEBUG: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.
BOZONE: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.
BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with.
CATERPALLOR: The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
CASHTRATION: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
CIRCUMVENT: An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
COFFEE: The person upon whom one coughs.
CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate.
COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
DECAFALON: The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
DOPELER EFFECT: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.
To attempt an explanation while drunk.
EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
FLABBERGASTED: Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
FLATULENCE: Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
FOREPLOY: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
FRISBEETARIANISM: The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
GARGOYLE: Olive-flavoured mouthwash.
GIRAFFITI: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
HEROES: What a guy in a boat does.
IGNORANUS: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
INOCULATTE: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
INTAXICATION: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.
KARMAGEDDON: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes, and it's a serious bummer.
LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money.
LYMPH: To walk with a lisp.
MISTY: How golfers create divots.
NEGLIGENT: Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
PARADOX: Two physicians.
PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm.
POKEMON: A Rastafarian proctologist.
POLARIZE: What penguins see with.
PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
RECTITUDE: The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
RELIEF: What trees do in the Spring.
RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.
SARCHASM: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.
SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official.
TESTICLE: A humorous question on an exam.
WILLY-NILLY: Impotent.
| SMALL AREOLA |
 |
|
The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought 'what the heck' and I started jumping up and down along with her.
She said "I have some really great news!" I said "Great. Tell me why you're so happy?" She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down and told me that she was pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her "That's great I couldn't be happier for you!"
Then she said "There's more!" I asked "What do you mean there's more?" She said "Well, we are not having just one baby... we are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said "Well, that was the easy part. I went to the pharmacy and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!!"
| ORSM VIDEO: NIKKI BENZ GETS HERSELF OFF |
 |
|
An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, "A hamburger, chips and a coke," and turns to the emu, "What's yours?"
"Sounds great, I'll have the same" says the emu. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please" He reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, "A hamburger, chips and a coke." The emu says, "Sounds great, I'll have the same." Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the emu. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?" "Well, love" says the truckie, "a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there." says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, "What's with the bloody emu?" The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say".
| PIMPIN' AFRICAN STYLE |
 |
|
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READER MAIL
A rather large email week and for this I thank all you bastards from the bottom of my whatever. I had to turn the email push notifications off on my phone at one point but this is probably what you'd call a good problem to have so please - feel free to bombard the bejesus out of me with anything and everything.
Want to contribute to Orsm AND annoy me at the same time? That stupid 'ting-ting' sound Outlook makes every time a new email arrives bugs the crap out of me so if you've got pics or video of a hot Ex or current girlfriend, demented shit, fucked up shit, funny shit, jokes, random video or any other assorted media then you should email it my way and know you've agitated me from afar! And how? Its simple - just click here and make the magic happen.
Craig wrote:
Subject: -The Basenji is the world's only barkless dog.
What about the Dingo....? |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: This woman would be kind of scary
Supposedly there is an English woman she doubles with called Cristal. One bloke tried them both together and ended up with his foot in one of the ladies vaginas. [continues] |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Snake photo (black snake eating a rattler)
Orsm, Just wanted to help anyone out wondering what type of snake was depicted. I know that you'd called it a "black snake". At first glance, I'd immediately thought that it may be a King Snake. There are several species of king snakes but, the ones found through TX & most of the southern US seem to all have a resemblance to what's in the snap. I hope that this helps. These are some really beneficial reptiles. Along with Blue Indigos, they'll eat other snakes, especially rattlesnakes. What a cool thing indeed!
I think we can all agree that no matter what species that fucker is, its far too big/ugly/dangerous to be roaming the streets. -Orsm |
junk wrote:
Subject: Hello!
No words. (not me by the way.)
Jesus? -Orsm |
 |
James wrote:
Subject: Finally
Hello Mr. Orsm, Like so many other people, I'm happy to finally have something worthwhile to contribute. Not too long ago, an F5 tornado ripped through the heart of Joplin, Missouri killing a record number of people (over 150 last I heard). Here's a picture that illustrates just how powerful that F5 was up close. Think you could put a rubber hose through a tree? |
 |
Ross wrote:
Subject: Plonking; not to be confused with the other current craze!
Hi All, Just thought I'd make a suggestion about something to do over the long weekend........... A new craze – it's called "plonking". You plonk yourself down in a deck lounger with a glass of plonk and get someone to take your photograph. Apparently it's a real hit with the over 60's. (I'm very advanced, I've been practicing for years!) |
 |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Random shite or what ever!
Please do not display details! cheers, love your site!
This planking thing is out of control. -Orsm |
 |
xitz wrote:
Subject: in Ireland
Wasn't it beautiful how the Irish (not the Belbastions) completely ignored her presence in their country, but then look at this and you'll realise why - even the Irish don't believe in Leprechauns... |
 |
Greg wrote:
Subject: I want to work there
Brazilian woman wins the right to watch porn and masturbate at work
If she were hotter and 10-15 years younger I doubt her employer would have minded. -Orsm |
 |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: The facade of facebook
Hey Orsm. I met a girl on facebook and we became fairly close online. I got the chance to meet her in person. We started fucking and then I find out she's bangin two other guys while with me. I don't play that game. She made some pretty stupid mistakes by choice. One was sending me this picture in an attempt to turn me stupid. Another was telling me her facebook password at one time. Some of her friends have now been deleted, her password was changed, one of the other two guys now has a message in his inbox telling him how much she likes using people, including him and I deactivated her account. Here she is for all to see. The Facebook whore. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: News funny
Hi Mr Orsm. had to add a funny to this one, the mother has a slip of the tongue, just
like her daughter it seems. Thanks for the lols. Probably better hide the deets please.
Ask a stupid question... |
 |
James wrote:
Subject: Kebab flavour crisps
This made me smile :) I found these in a shop in Andorra..... Tasted good too.
No extra garlic sour cream fail. -Orsm |
 |
Skin2fan wrote:
Subject: Update
Thank you for broadcasting my last submission, about a year ago. Thought [this] pic maybe interesting for your glorious site. [It] is my latest GF who looks after my naughty needs. |
 |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: macho man article and ad
Hey Mate, Long time, first time etc etc... Saw this (see attachment) while reading about the Macho man's untimely death in a car accident.. Check out the "special promotion" underneath the article.. Love the site, keep up the awesome work. Please hide my details. |
 |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Facebook pics
The things people post online. This is a photo shoot that appeared on a friend's profile, not sure who the chick is. Either way, almost naked still counts, right? Cheers.
Almost naked definitely still counts... -Orsm |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: How Did...?
How Did He Get In There? |
 |
Neb E wrote:
Subject: RE: my Ex
My Ex bf was posted on your site long ago. He whined and cried and you took him down. I took all these pics and I created them, I own them and I would really like it if you'd use them. I give you 100% rights to the images. |
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James wrote:
Subject: Ex-Girlfiend
What-up? All the way from South Africa some random selfshots of my ex-girlfiend. Enjoy. |
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Kel wrote:
Subject: Meet the Millers
Consider the strange story of Alex and Imogene Miller of East Orange, VT. They eked out an existence on a small farm. Alex would scrounge rusty nails from burnt buildings to repair his roof. He drove a ratty VW Beetle, and when it died, he found another even more ratty, and another...the rusting carcasses littered his yard. Alex died in 1993, and Imogene died in 1996. The local church took up a collection so they could be buried in the churchyard, and the state began the process of taking the farm for taxes. That would have been the end of a sad story, except.............. [continues] |
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mike wrote:
Subject: MISS. RIVER flood PHOTOS
Old Man River on the rampage! [continues] |
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gordon wrote:
Subject: GF pics
Hey. Here are some pics of my gorgeous Indian GF. She is the SEXIEST girl in the world and I adore her.
As far as Indians go - I'd hit it. -Orsm |
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habs 'r us wrote:
Subject: Dog video
Hey man! Just wanted to send you my dog video. love the work, cheers! [Youtube link here]
My pooch on the other hand, sniffed her Kong once and never went near it again. Afterall why bother working for your food when it's just easier to harrass me? -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Dumb fucking bitches
These two dumb fucking cunts got caught stealing $150 from the Girls Scouts selling cookies and don't think they did anything wrong. The world needs to see what two fucking idiot cunts look like. Send it on PLEASE!!!!!! |
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ORSM VIDEO
There was a guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine. She was very pretty and he liked her a lot.
One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly, and she was absolutely gorgeous.
He began to like her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But, he was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.
He decided that there was nothing for him to do but to break up with Lorraine and date the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
One day as they were walking along the river bank, Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.
The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing... What was he singing, you ask??? "I can see Clearly now Lorraine is gone..."
| VERONIQUE VEGA |
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|
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just got married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director" she answered. "Interesting" the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled and explained "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
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The Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon returning, her father cussed her, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your mother through!?"
The girl, crying, replied, "Daddy... I became a prostitute..." "WHAT? Get out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family! I don't want to see you ever again!"
"Okay, daddy as you wish. I just came back to give mother this beautiful fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-room mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you daddy the spanking new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club... and an invitation for you all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."
"Now what was it you said you had become?" Girl, still crying, "A Prostitute Dad... sniff, sniff." "Oh! Be Jesus! - You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a bloody PROTESTANT! Come here and give your old man a hug!"
| JESSICA JAMES' VAGINA KIND OF SCARES ME |
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Bob visited his doctor, seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.
"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your butt.
Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others, in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious, you will not dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar". "Thanks doc, I will try it."
And Bob did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. "What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" answered the doctor.
"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," replied the Bob. "What is that supposed to mean?" demanded the doctor. "Well, I do not smoke cigars anymore, but now I cannot go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my butt".
ORSM
VIDEO
And that is that so standby for these final words while I get the hell out of here...
- Check out the site archives. BECAUSE I SAID SO!
- Next update will be next Thursday. BECAUSE I SAID SO!
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET BECAUSE MY FRIEND RAY SAID SO!
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and would Iestyn pelase grace us with his or presense...? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2011.06.02-18.something |
|
Welcome to Orsm.net. I am be spastic.
Oh where and how to start. Has not been a single spare minute since I put down the pen and dashed out the door upon finishing last week's update and the only way it could possibly get any better is if my soon-to-be niece or nephew hurries the hell up and pops out. All going to happen on his or her own terms though apparently... frequent 'H-U-R-R-Y UPPPPP' messages to my sister aren't having the desired effect. Does he or she not know that I'm impatient?
Anyway for no particular reason... what I've remembered this week was how awesome it is to wake up to rain and just lay in bed enjoying the toastiness that the covers provide. What I've realised this week is 'what did I do to deserve this?' is only ever asked when things turn to shit. And what I've discovered this week are the Jezabels.
As there hasn't been much that's taken my interest news-wise lately, let's just rip into what's been going on in my little world. Can probably skip all the way back to last Thursday where the pressure to get finished was applied early in the day. It used to be a case of Monday until late Thursday were chaotic in regards to getting the update sorted but with some backend changes life is a bit easier nowadays. News of this somehow leaked out and I end up unwillingly obligated to do stuff. So that's what I did... met friends at some little bar I never knew existed which was, surprisingly, almost packed.
Could not sleep that night. Not sleeping is gayer than four guys walking down the street all wearing bike pants and holding hands. Talking 4am before I eventually crashed which kind of screwed plans for any sort of significant exercise the next morning. From there it was off to meet friends. Friday was for a long while a just an hour long trip to grab groceries however its more or less morphed into a mothers club - me, two pregnant friends, another with child and the father/my best mate. Basically instead of walking around with my headphones in sipping at a smoothie, I get conversations about Braxton Hicks.
After ditching all but one, the rest of the day was light and social before heading out to a very, very shitty restaurant thanks to another one of those deal website vouchers. Had this idea of making a recreational activity out of dining at so-bad-it's-good restaurants but after the vile and inedible concoctions that were presented, the idea clearly needs more thought. As we were in the city, took the opportunity to do some late night shopping... also known as 'I'll follow while you look at shit'. Discovered some totally random basement bar afterward. A low-key experience except for the underage drunk girl who walked in to use the bathroom, was carried out by bar staff, vomited in front of us and who we later saw being attended to by police whilst the boyfriend claimed not to know her.
After discovering the joys of sleeping pills that night a solid seven hours were spent tucked up in bed. Raced out to meet a friend for juice and coffee ahead of more couch shopping. If there's a better type of shopping I'm yet to find it - all you have to do is walk to a display and sit, rinse, repeat. Even better when you're not making the final decision or paying too. Bailed there midmorning to head for the airport to pick up another friend. Was already cutting it fine with timing, didn't help that the flight was delayed. Raced home, ironed, got changed, and jumped on Youtube to try and relearn how to tie a tie. Couldn't do it... and it didn't come back to me until the exact moment my bum hit the pew. Back in the car and moved at light speed towards a wedding where I wouldn't know a single person... a wedding at a church surrounded on four sides by a cemetery... a bit odd. The highlight though was the priest's metaphor for a happy marriage which called upon 'sand paper and bunny blankets'. Don't ask me, I still don't know. Was also the shortest ceremony/reception in the history of whatever too - 1pm start, 5pm finish and not a single drunk person in sight.
Another sleeping pill induced sleep lead me to a picturesque Sunday which began by smashing an 8km walk around the burbs. Home for a quick shower, picked up the girls and made a beeline for the city to do partake in some dim sum action. Mirroring numerous previous Sundays we went straight from there to the hipster café I love so much and -believe it or not- more couch shopping. The afternoon was awesome. Someone suggested Kings Park which is a huge expanse of bush and park land bordering the CDB and overlooking the river... and there we sat doing absolutely nothing. Such a simple thing I so rarely think to do. The rest of the day was whittled away with more hot beverages, an unexpected happening and later the Monaco GP. All up pretty much the best weekend I've had in a while.
Okay enough with the Orsm babble. I know some of you guys read my crap, I still don't know why. The good stuff is below so now would be a good time to grab the latex gloves, a box of tissues and get ready for a fucking cracker. Check it...
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The trouble with quotes on the internet is that it's difficult to discern whether or not they are genuine. - Abraham Lincoln
--
An old guy, not in the best of shape, was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing. He asked the trainer that was nearby "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?" The trainer looked him up and down and said "I would try the ATM in the lobby..."
--
Thor, The God Of Thunder, woke one morning and opened a bleary eye after a three day orgy of bacchanalian debauchery. He noticed a beautiful slave girl standing at the door of his room. Squinting at her painfully he said "I'm Thor." "YOU'RE thore...?" she says "I'm tho thore I can hardly pith!!!"
--
I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse. I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.
--
I was sexy dancing in front of a bird I was trying to pull in a club, I could see she was giving me the eye as I bust out some of my best moves. Eventually she came over, she whispered "Thanks to you my knickers are dripping wet. "I said "Oh really..." As I threw in a few more moves. She said "Yeah, me and my mates have just been pissing ourselves watching you dance!"
--
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They've imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and are going to drill for their own oil.
ORSM
VIDEO
INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT DOGS
-All dogs can be traced back 40 million years ago to a weasel-like animal called the Miacis which dwelled in trees and dens. The Miacis later evolved into the Tomarctus, a direct forbear of the genus Canis, which includes the wolf and jackal as well as the dog.
-Ancient Egyptians revered their dogs. When a pet dog would die, the owners shaved off their eyebrows, smeared mud in their hair, and mourned aloud for days.
-Small quantities of grapes and raisins can cause renal failure in dogs. Chocolate, macadamia nuts, cooked onions, or anything with caffeine can also be harmful. Apple and pear seeds contain arsenic, which may be deadly to dogs.
-Dogs have sweat glands in between their paws and noses.
-Dogs have three eyelids. The third lid, called a nictitating membrane or "haw," keeps the eye lubricated and protected.
-A dog's shoulder blades are unattached to the rest of the skeleton to allow greater flexibility for running.
-Puppies are sometimes rejected by their mother if they are born by caesarean and cleaned up before being given back to her.
-The phrase "raining cats and dogs" originated in seventeenth-century England. During heavy rainstorms, many homeless animals would drown and float down the streets, giving the appearance that it had actually rained cats and dogs.
-During the Middle Ages, Great Danes and Mastiffs were sometimes suited with armour and spiked collars to enter a battle or to defend supply caravans.
-The shape of a dog's face suggests how long it will live. Dogs with sharp, pointed faces that look more like wolves typically live longer. Dogs with very flat faces, such as bulldogs, often have shorter lives.
-The most dogs ever owned by one person were 5,000 Mastiffs owned by Kubla Khan.
-The most popular male dog names are Max and Jake. The most popular female dog names are Maggie and Molly.
-Weird dog laws include allowing police offers in Palding, Ohio, to bite a dog to quiet it. In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.
-Those born under the sign of the dog in Chinese astrology are considered to be loyal and discreet, though slightly temperamental.
-In Iran, it is against the law to own a dog as a pet. However, if an owner can prove the dog is a guard or hunting dog, this restriction doesn't apply. Muslim reticence concerning dogs is perhaps due to the fact that rabies has always been endemic in the Middle East.
-French poodles did not originate in France but in Germany ("poodle" comes from the German pudel or pudelhund, meaning "splashing dog"). Some scholars speculate the poodle's puffs of hair evolved when hunters shaved the poodle for more efficient swimming, while leaving the pom-poms around the major joints to keep them warm.
-The name of the dog on the Cracker Jacks box is Bingo. The Taco Bell Chihuahua is a rescued dog named Gidget.
-The first dogs were self-domesticated wolves which, at least 12,000 years ago, became attracted to the first sites of permanent human habitation.
-Dogs were frequently sacrificed there because they were plentiful, inexpensive, and easy to control. During the July 25 celebration of the Kunophontis ("the massacre of dogs"), dog sacrifices were performed to appease the ancestors of Apollo's son, Linos, who was devoured by dogs.
-A puppy is born blind, deaf, and toothless.
-The Basenji is the world's only barkless dog.
-A dog most likely interprets a smiling person as baring their teeth, which is an act of aggression.
-The origin of amputating a dog's tail may go back to the Roman writer Lucius Columella's (A.D. 4-70) assertion that tail docking prevented rabies.
-President Franklin Roosevelt created a minor international incident when he claimed he sent a destroyer to the Aleutian Islands just to pick up his Scottish Terrier, Fala, who had been left behind.
-Within hours of the September 11, 2001, attack on the World Trade Center, specially trained dogs were on the scene, including German Shepherds, Labs, and even a few little Dachshunds.
-It costs approximately $10,000 to train a federally certified search and rescue dog.
-The smallest dog on record was a matchbox-size Yorkshire Terrier. It was 2.5" tall at the shoulder, 3.5" from nose tip to tail, and weighed only 4 ounces. Zorba, an English mastiff, is the biggest dog ever recorded. He weighed 343 pounds and measured 8' 3" from his nose to his tail.
-Hollywood's first and arguably best canine superstar was Rin Tin Tin, a five-day-old German Shepherd found wounded in battle in WWI France and adopted by an American soldier, Lee Duncan. He would sign his own contracts with his paw print.
-At the end of WWI, the German government trained the first guide dogs for war-blinded soldiers.
-A dog can locate the source of a sound in 1/600 of a second and can hear sounds four times farther away than a human can.
-A person standing still 300 yards away is almost invisible to a dog. But a dog can easily identify its owner standing a mile away if the owner is waving his arms.
-Touch is the first sense the dog develops. The entire body, including the paws, is covered with touch-sensitive nerve endings.
-Eighteen muscles or more can move a dog's ear.
-In Egypt, a person bitten by a rabid dog was encouraged to eat the roasted liver of a dog infected with rabies to avoid contracting the disease. The tooth of a dog infected with rabies would also be put in a band tied to the arm of the person bitten. The menstrual blood of a female dog was used for hair removal, while dog genitals were used for preventing the whitening of hair.
-There are an estimated 400 million dogs in the world. The U.S. has the highest dog population in the world. France has the second highest.
-Dog nose prints are as unique as human finger prints and can be used to identify them.
-Dogs in a pack are more likely to chase and hunt than a single dog on its own. Two dogs are enough to form a pack.
-Dogs can see in colour, though they most likely see colours similar to a colour-blind human. They can see better when the light is low.
-Petting dogs is proven to lower blood pressure of dog owners.
-Dogs have lived with humans for over 14,000 years. Cats have lived with people for only 7,000 years.
-The average dog can run about 19 mph. Greyhounds are the fastest dogs on Earth and can run at speeds of 45 mph.
-One female dog and her female children could produce 4,372 puppies in seven years.
-The most popular dog breed in Canada, U.S., and Great Britain is the Labrador retriever.
-The oldest dog on record was an Australian cattle dog named Bluey who lived 29 years and 5 months. In human years, that is more than 160 years old.
-Dogs with big, square heads and large ears (like the Saint Bernard) are the best at hearing subsonic sounds.
-Dogs can smell about 1,000 times better than humans. While humans have 5 million smell-detecting cells, dogs have more than 220 million. The part of the brain that interprets smell is also four times larger in dogs than in humans.
-Some dogs can smell dead bodies under water, where termites are hiding, and natural gas buried under 40 feet of dirt. They can even detect cancer that is too small to be detected by a doctor and can find lung cancer by sniffing a person's breath.
-Dogs have a wet nose to collect more of the tiny droplets of smelling chemicals in the air.
-Dogs like sweets a lot more than cats do. While cats have around only 473 taste buds, dogs have about 1,700 taste buds. Humans have approximately 9,000.
-Different smells in the a dog's urine can tell other dogs whether the dog leaving the message is female or male, old or young, sick or healthy, happy or angry.
-Male dogs will raise their legs while urinating to aim higher on a tree or lamppost because they want to leave a message that they are tall and intimidating. Some wild dogs in Africa try to run up tree trunks while they are urinating to appear to be very large.
-Dogs are about as smart as a two or three-year-old child. This means they can understand about 150-200 words, including signals and hand movements with the same meaning as words.
-A lost Dachshund was found swallowed whole in the stomach of a giant catfish in Berlin on July 2003.
-Golden Retrievers may improve a person's chance of attracting a date. The best dog to reportedly attract a date is the Golden Retriever. The worst is the Pit Bull.
-One survey reports that 33% of dog owners admit they talk to their dogs on the phone or leave messages on answering machines while they are away.
-Thirty per cent of all Dalmatians are deaf in one or both ears. Because bulldogs have extremely short muzzles, many spend their lives fighting suffocation. Because Chihuahuas have such small skulls, the flow of spinal fluid can be restricted, causing hydrocephalus, a swelling of the brain.
-Intense grief over the death of a pet dog is normal and natural. The grief suffered after a pet dog dies can be the same as that experienced after the death of a person.
-There are almost 5 million dog bites per year; children are the main victims. Dog bites cause losses of over $1 billion a year.
-A person should never kick a dog facing him or her. Some dogs can bite 10 times before a human can respond.
-The most intelligent dogs are reportedly the Border Collie and the Poodle, while the least intelligent dogs are the Afghan Hound and the Basenji.
| GOTTA LOVE LAURA LION |
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A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation etc in rather explicit offensive terms. The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an 'AH' in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer says "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defence attorney asks "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?" Officer responds "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top".
Lawyer: "Officer is there any particular marking or quotation on this ticket you don't normally make?" "Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an 'AH' underlined". "What does the 'AH' stand for, officer?" "Aggressive and hostile, sir." "Aggressive and hostile?" "Yes, sir." "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?" "Well, sir, you know your client better than I do."
How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client.
ORSM
VIDEO
A Florida Man walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then, the gator will close his mouth for one minute. Then, he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A blonde woman timidly spoke up... "I'll try it. Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"
| VAGINA SLIP |
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|
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?" Ole demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any!"
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says "For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies "I can't afford any on the money you give me". Patrick reaches into his pocket and says "For the sake of decency, here's a 20 - go buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where de hell are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any". The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love "o decency, here's a comb... tidy yerself up a bit!"
| ORSM VIDEO: HOLLY WELLIN TAKES CARE OF BUSINESS |
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Employee: "Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?" Boss: "Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?" Employee: "Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years". Boss: "Yes". Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first".
Boss: "A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time".
Employee: "I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade".
Boss: "Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?" Employee: "Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!"
Boss: "Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?" Employee: "Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!"
| STREET NAMES |
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READER MAIL
Want to contribute to Orsm AND annoy me at the same time? That stupid 'ting-ting' sound Outlook makes every time a new email arrives bugs the crap out of me so if you've got pics or video of a hot Ex or current girlfriend, demented shit, fucked up shit, funny shit, jokes, random video or any other assorted media then you should email it my way and know you've agitated me from afar! And how? Its simple - just click here and make the magic happen.
Jay wrote:
Subject: Crop Dusting hogs - with "00" buck!
These people have one hell-of a HOG PROBLEM....the guy doing the shooting must be shooting double 00 or bigger. I don't know what a helicopter costs per hour, but it must pay. Hogs are extremely short sighted, but hearing and smell are excellent, which makes them very difficult to hunt. I'm surprised there are so many out during the day... mostly night marauders. Go here.
Absolutely incredible. -Orsm |
Supaduck wrote:
Subject: Helicopter landing
How would you like to try to land on this moving platform? Imagine catching up to a ship moving into the wind at 20kts with a gusty 30 knot headwind and gusts moving over the cabin at 50+ gusting to 0 or Stopping and pitching up and down 15' or more, these pilots have brass balls syncing these movements is just about nuts, and this is just a test to see if the machine is capable. MOVIE ONLY: NO SOUND! The cockpit video shows the boat rolling, not the helo. The rotor blades appear to moving backward as a result of the film "framing speed". |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Reader Mail / Subject: Birds Nest
Dear Orsm, The Birds In Question Are Known As "Hornero" Birds, Or Oven Birds, And Are Native To Uruguay, Argentina, And Most Of Southern South America. Here Is The Wiki On It. Having Lived In Uruguay For 4 Years, I Have Seen Plenty Of Them On Telephone & Utility Poles. |
Not A Vowel wrote:
Subject: This is hilarious
Why you shouldn't attempt shaving off your hairy arse-hole. [continues] |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Nips
Facebook Nip Slip. Hide details please.....
How come I don't have any FB friends who do this...? -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: This was a real ad!
Sorry for it being so small but I saw it on my phone and wanted to screen capture it before it got flagged. Hide the details.
Any money she's fat and ugly. -Orsm |
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Skin2fan wrote:
Subject: Update
This is a real anathema, tis a tree in Kent totally taken over by caterpillars that have woven silk around it's whole structure, locals are calling it the "Ghost Tree". |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Right, well apparently the women are Lechers too
you know same old sam old here in the US....but the name is classic.....hide my info. Cheers
Letcher the Lecherous... -Orsm |
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Rick wrote:
Subject: Stunning News
Could they not have chosen their words more carefully!? ALL GOOD THINGS, I RECKON, MUST COME TO AN END! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Funny google news headline
Just scanning the top news and ran across this.. Congrats canada!! No deets please. Long time fan. Keep up the good work.
But if she was wearing a short skirt... -Orsm |
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Ed wrote:
Subject: Tea Party Plot to Kidnap the President
Secret Service Uncovers Tea Party Plot to Kidnap the President. OH, LIGHTEN UP..... I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING! |
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xitz wrote:
Subject: Defective stamps
Australia Post have created and marketed a new stamp displaying a picture of the current Prime Minister of Australia, Ms Gillard. The prime minister had requested a recall of the stamps following concerns that they weren't sticking. Australia Post recently suspended a recall of the stamps after the findings of a special Senate Committee were released. The Prime Minister was told that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes and the enraged Prime Minister demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing and spending of $1.85 million, a special Senate Committee led by the leader of the Greens, Bob Brown, presented the following findings- 1) The stamp is in perfect order. 2) There is nothing wrong with the adhesive. 3) People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp. |
Lucas wrote:
Subject: Who needs a Garmin?
Who needs a Garmin when you can have this? Strictly in South Africa only. |
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Mark wrote:
Subject: Lucky
Dunno which game lodge this was taken at but appart from the male KUDU being frigging lucky the bloke who took these pics was even more lucky. This shit never happens to me!
The great escape. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: sulies boobs
Good day Mr Orsm, found these on a friend of a friend's page on good old facebook. Don't know or care why he chose to share them, but I felt it my duty to share them with you! No info please! |
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Supaduck wrote:
Subject: Bobcat on top of a Saguaro Cactus
The images are incredible. A bobcat that has scampered to the top of a saguaro cactus -- and it was quite a climb! The photos were captured in Gold Canyon , on the foot of the Superstition Mountains. The bobcat was trying to get away from a mountain lion that was stalking it. He darted up a 40-foot saguaro, and there he stayed for the remainder of the day. |
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xitz wrote:
Subject: home sec
South African home security
Did some research and: "Located on the outskirts of Warsaw, Poland, 'The Safe House' by Katowice-based architectural office KWK Promes is a two-storey residential house that aims to provide a feeling of maximum security for the residents". -Orsm |
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Arland wrote:
Subject: Why they say never kill a black snake.........
WOW---here's a real life nature story for ya!!!--fascinating.. This is from a friend living in Stuart Florida. I've been told not to kill black snakes because they kill poisonous snakes, but this is the first time I've actually seen proof....! The guy who snapped these photos said the rattler was still rattling all the way down!!! burp...? |
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Craig wrote:
Subject: Sth Hedland roundabout
mate sent me these.... Troopy and roundabout Sth Hedland,,
"Did we hit something?" -Orsm |
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Jeremy wrote:
Subject: Who painted these pictures?
A young man's dream to be an artist was crushed when his application to enter the fine arts academy was
rejected .... his crushed dream turned into a tragic nightmare for the world... Who painted these pictures? The person who painted these pictures wanted to attend the Viennese academy of Fine arts and become famous as an artist. If he had been accepted by the academy, world history would have been very different. His name was Adolf Hitler. |
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Kel wrote:
Subject: Now THAT is a truck
One for the boys. A bit of a long read but well worth it. This thing is amazing. I wonder how much these cost.........
Looks cool but the colour is just so gay. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Cool video - Bear stalking a hiker
Love the site! Bear stalking a hiker. Hide the details as normal :)
How the fuck does it end!? -Orsm |
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ORSM VIDEO
This has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this!
I was due for a smear with the doctor later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the facecloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the facecloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the doctor said "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal - some shopping, cleaning and cooking.
After school when my 7 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mummy, where's my facecloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard... she replied "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter saved inside it".
NEVER going back to that doctor ever!!
| JENNA HAZE |
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A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were on their way to Heaven. God told them that the stairway to heaven was 1000 steps, and that on every 5th step He would tell them a joke. He told them not to laugh at any of the jokes along the way or else they would not be able to enter heaven.
The brunette went first and started laughing on the 45th step, so she could not enter heaven. The redhead went next and started laughing on the 200th step, so she could not enter heaven either.
Then, it was the blonde's turn. When she got to the 999th step and God was about to tell her she had passed the test and was free to enter Heaven, she started laughing. "Why are you laughing?" God asked. "I didn't tell a joke." "I know," the blonde replied. "I just got the first joke".
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There was this guy who loved nothing better than to sit at nearby bar for long evenings and get stoned with his cronies. But his wife was a social climber, and was prone to having her 'ladies' in for bridge etc.
This one night she didn't want him to be around embarrassing her, so she told him to stay out as late as he wished, just don't come in and make another scene.
Well, he came in the back door a little early, as she was preparing tea and some delicate little sandwiches, and was infuriated at his early return home. "You keep your mouth shut, and go upstairs to bed" she told him. "Oh, relax" says he "I'll just take a cup of coffee, say good evening to the ladies, and I'll be gone". "Just keep your mouth shut," says she again.
Well, when she finally went back into the living room, all the ladies were gone, and he sat there alone.
She 'flipped' and told him she was going to divorce him and take everything he had, but he said, "Wait a minute, you have to hear my side of the story". "I came in here, sat down, and said good evening to the ladies, and they carried on. One lady said she was having trouble with mice in her house, and another lady suggested she stuff their holes with steel wool, and all I said was, who is going to hold their little legs while you do it?"
| EVA ANGELINA... STILL GOT IT |
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A blonde went into a pet shop and asked the owner if he had any parrots. The owner replied, "Sorry, I don't have any at the moment". "Damn and blast!" said the blonde "I have been invited to a fancy costume party for the first time in my life, and I have been told to be as authentic as possible, hence the need for the parrot explained the blonde.
"Well" said the owner, "if you come back here next week, specifically on Thursday, I am expecting a shipment from South America and I'll be able to supply you with a parrot, guaranteed". "Damn and blast!" said the blonde, "I can't come on that day or for some time after". "Why not?" asked the owner. "Because that is the day I'm having my leg amputated!"
ORSM
VIDEO
And that girls and boys is update #22 done and dusted. It was a pleasure slapping the little bastard together for you viewing pleasure. If that wasn't enough then please do yourself a favour and read the following...
- Check out the site archives. They're what happens when you put everything awesome in one place.
- Next update will be next Thursday but you already knew that.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will force feed you so he can harvest your liver to produce a delicious foie gras.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and welcome to whatever being out of the friend-zone is called. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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