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| orsmupdate 2010.06.24-21.27 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. I DON'T NEED HUGS.
Ah so where to start. If you thought I wasn't going to give my two cents on the demise of our PM you'd be wrong. For anyone not paying attention it goes something like this - a new government is elected back in late 2008 and Kevin Rudd anointed Prime Minister/Ruler of the Universe. In that time he becomes the most popular PM ever until recently when it all began to fall apart. Amongst other things, ridiculous policies, failure of various government initiated programs, asylum seekers, broken promises and perceived [or actual] arrogance suddenly see Rudd's popularity freefall massively to the point his own party loses confidence that he'll be able to carry the next federal election later this year. Jump to last night and it's announced the Deputy PM will challenge for his position and waking up this morning that's exactly what has happened. Bye bye Ruddy, hello Julia Gillard.
So we finally have a woman PM and even though she's a ginger it was hard -no matter which side of politics you fall- not to be somewhat impressed with her press conference today. Kev's farewell speech was a little too teary for my liking but on the other hand I've never been dethroned in such a humiliating and undignified fashion.
I find all this shit all absolutely fascinating and it brings me back to the very first time I became interested in politics - Mr Dickson's grade ten Social Studies class. He came in one day and explained in detail how the then PM Bob Hawke was ingeniously manoeuvred out of power by his number two Paul Keating. Despite the fact I can barely recall any of it [should probably read a book on the subject huh?] it's still probably the highlight lesson of my education.
Anyway now the speculation begins all over as to which party can win the next election. What was arguably a done deal yesterday may have swung back the other way. Generally I try and avoid voicing my opinion on such sensitive topics because the hate mail calling me an imbecile gets a bit much but as far as I'm concerned, nothing would make me happier than the current government crashing and burning at the next election for one single reason - the 'proposed' internet filter which is simply censorship disguised as protecting kids. Actually there's probably more than that one reason but that'll do for the moment...
Moving on to more important issues. Namely me, my life and of course the events of the last week or so...
After doing the mandatory morning stroll in wet conditions Friday I realised my socks were wet. I mention this seemingly irrelevant tidbit of information because it more or less dominated the next 24 hours of my life. My socks were wet because my shoes had worn through the soles. Most likely because the same shoes I exercise with are the same shoes I wear everywhere every day. So the morning was spent online trying to find a pair I liked and then tracking them down. Would actually have been happy to buy the fuckers online but the only places which carried anything good don't ship to Oz and it's made even harder thanks to my bigfoot configuration. Finally had some luck by late morning and headed off to the city to continue investigations. Three hours and a lot of walking later it was mission accomplished.
Saturday started much the same way after deciding it may not be a bad idea to get a separate pair for exercising. Off to the city again, this time early and amazingly had another pair sorted in no time. Speaking here as a chronic procrastinator when it comes to pretty much any expenditure, getting two new pairs for less than my now destroyed pair cost was practically orgasmic.
Sunday was kicked off with another taxing walk followed by vacuuming the car, washing the car and polishing the car. In case I haven't already said this - fuck knows where my energy is coming from lately but I figure like an erection, it should be utilised. After that was all behind me I repeated the weekend pasts activities with a lap down the coast to vibrant Fremantle to get some coffee and kill some time...the highlight of which was a crazy lady walking down the 'cappuccino strip', thousands of people around, screaming 'Advance Australia Fair' and verbally attacking whoever was stupid enough to make eye contact. Had to laugh as she chased a taxi driver [clearly not Aussie] down the street trying to advance her cause sprouting racist remarks too. And with that...
... let's get on with the update before I can write anymore. Whatever the opposite of writers block is, I've got that bug today which can obviously be a dangerous thing to a man with an audience and ego the size of mine. Common sense has prevailed however and I'll get stuck into what you will surely agree is the best update of the year thus far. Check it...
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Puzzling - Teen Titties - Naked Mum - Luvlee Larissa - Porn Mode - Katy Perry - Trek Tok - Pathetic - Hentai Porn
Face Cleavage - Floor Fucking - Boobs Out! - Sex On Wheels - iPhone 4 - Salma Tits - Kid Gets Owned - Vehicular Fails
Police Brutality - Make You Drool - Balance Fail - Tarantula Cocktail - Animal Battles - Auto-Tuned - Megan Fox
The Socceroo's visited an orphanage in South Africa this morning. "It's so good to put a smile on the faces of those constantly struggling and facing the impossible." said Jamal Umboto, aged 6.
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A man applying for a job at a Mildura lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job. The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this; have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?" He replied: "I've been divorced three times, bought a Pajero and I voted for Kevin Rudd."
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Paddy tells Mick he's thinking of buying a Labrador. "Fook off" says Mick, "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
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Son asked his mother the following question: "Mum, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure." The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?" The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."
ORSM
VIDEO
THINGS A BURGLAR WON'T TELL YOU
1. Of course I look familiar. I was here just last week cleaning your carpets, painting your shutters, or delivering your new refrigerator.
2. Hey, thanks for letting me use the bathroom when I was working in your yard last week. While I was in there, I unlatched the back window to make my return a little easier.
3. Love those flowers. That tells me you have taste... and taste means there are nice things inside. Those yard toys your kids leave out always make me wonder what type of gaming system they have.
4. Yes, I really do look for newspapers piled up on the driveway. And I might leave a pizza flyer in your front door to see how long it takes you to remove it.
5. If it snows while you're out of town, get a neighbour to create car and foot tracks into the house. Virgin drifts in the driveway are a dead giveaway.
6. If decorative glass is part of your front entrance, don't let your alarm company install the control pad where I can see if it's set. That makes it too easy.
7. A good security company alarms the window over the sink. And the windows on the second floor, which often access the master bedroom-and your jewellery. It's not a bad idea to put motion detectors up there too.
8. It's raining, you're fumbling with your umbrella, and you forget to lock your door - understandable. But understand this: I don't take a day off because of bad weather.
9. I always knock first. If you answer, I'll ask for directions somewhere or offer to clean your gutters.
10. Do you really think I won't look in your sock drawer? I always check dresser drawers, the bedside table, and the medicine cabinet.
11. Helpful hint: I almost never go into kids' rooms.
12. You're right: I won't have enough time to break into that safe where you keep your valuables. But if it's not bolted down, I'll take it with me.
13. A loud TV or radio can be a better deterrent than the best alarm system. If you're reluctant to leave your TV on while you're out of town, you can buy a $35 device that works on a timer and simulates the flickering glow of a real television.
14. Sometimes, I carry a clipboard. Sometimes, I dress like a lawn guy and carry a rake. I do my best to never, ever look like a crook.
15. The two things I hate most: loud dogs and nosy neighbours.
16. I'll break a window to get in, even if it makes a little noise. If your neighbour hears one loud sound, he'll stop what he's doing and wait to hear it again. If he doesn't hear it again, he'll just go back to what he was doing. It's human nature.
17. I'm not complaining, but why would you pay all that money for a fancy alarm system and leave your house without setting it?
18. I love looking in your windows. I'm looking for signs that you're home, and for flat screen TVs or gaming systems I'd like. I'll drive or walk through your neighbourhood at night, before you close the blinds, just to pick my targets.
19. Avoid announcing your vacation on your Facebook page. It's easier than you think to look up your address.
20. To you, leaving that window open just a crack during the day is a way to let in a little fresh air. To me, it's an invitation.
21. If you don't answer when I knock, I try the door. Occasionally, I hit the jackpot and walk right in.
SOCCER: THE WORLD GAME
I picked up these photosets a while back and never really got around to posting them but with the World Cup in full swing I thought now was as good a time as any. Okay so not all of the chicks are up to usual Orsm standards and it would probabay be a safe bet to say some/none of them are from the countries they seem to represent but hopefully we can all agree nudity is the winner here. If you guys are good I'll try and post the matching videos next update. Check it...
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, ''What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not Have a Headache. I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone!" The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife..."
ORSM
VIDEO
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
Angered, the bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street. The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him then throws him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, give me the bill." In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies "FOR YOU!!?? No way! You get too violent when you drink!"
| OKAY SO WHO LIKES THE CHUBBY ONES? |
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The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip &Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!" Then I would say, "It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?" "I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."
| WHEN BIRDS ATTACK |
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READER MAIL
Topical mailbag this week. Good to see I'm not the only person who's been annoyed to death by those fucking vuvuzela's.
Ever submitted to Orsm before? It's not a big deal, your email doesn't have to be a big production - just click here and send me your shit. What am I looking for? Well obviously the more highly entertaining, thought provoking, sardonic, everything/nothing the better but I'll happily settle for boobs, jokes, random pics and funny videos. Simply click here to make it happen.
El Duder wrote:
Subject: DRAGSTER FACTS DEBUNKED
That is all. I am officially done bitching and ranting. Thank you though, for giving me something to do this morning. Other than that I would have been super bored. [ continues] |
Denis wrote:
Subject: Top Fuel vs Corvette
Hi Orsm. Had to check your figures (I'm an engineer, that's what I do) - 200 mph works out to be 293.33 feet/sec, so 1/4 mile, 1320 feet takes 4.5 sec. This is pretty close to the record, so I think the fueler and the 'Vette would cross the line together. Assuming the fueler didnt break something. As to power output, there are also precious few dyno's that could take 6000+ hp at 7500 anyway. Probably an educated guess, based on how fast the beast is acellerating once the clutch has locked up, with due allowance for wing drag, plus blower and fuel pump. Impresive, anyway. |
< with held> wrote:
Subject: Airline food photos.
Mate check the first photo of the airline food ones. No wonder it's good. The stuff in the little tub is called VAJ. Would be good if we got that all the time on international flights. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Thai Green Curry Pebbles
Man this is a video of a song i did for a friend who was leaving the country to get married. I had a crush on her and we really got along. She told me a lot of stuff including how her poop was. She used to tell me that she shits pebbles. And every meal I ever saw her eat was Thai green curry so.... I thought of no better subject for a song than her thai green curry shit. Check this out, her name is neha.
Dude... drugs much? -Orsm
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Paul wrote:
Subject: Sure way to stop the flow of oil in the Gulf.
PUT A LARGE GOLD BAND AROUND THE FLOW PIPE. IT'LL QUIT "PUTTING OUT" IMMEDIATELY. |
PAUL wrote:
Subject: BP's final option
makes about as much sense as anything they have tried so far! |
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Jason wrote:
Subject: MacGyver
BP's only chance to plug that hole... |
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PAUL wrote:
Subject: A picture worth a thousand words ...
A picture worth a thousand words.... Enough said. Boy-oh-Boy, this needs to travel around the U.S.A. Don't let it die folks!!!
Funny and sad. -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Not So Pleasant in Pleasantville
Searching online for inexpensive accommodations just outside Atlantic City, I happened upon this little gem in the seemingly tranquil setting of Pleasantville, NJ. Gotta love the review posted by 'daves wife'. Here's a link to some more detailed info on the area. It pays to research online! Plese hide my info... |
Brent S wrote:
Subject: coffee stand sign
Saw this sign here in Seattle WA last weekend at the local drive thru bikini barista coffee stand there is a lot of these types of stands in the area, bikini's, g-strings, pasties, etc ,I got a kick out of this sign |
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Timmy wrote:
Subject: TOWIES IN NZ
Exceeding the maximum allowed parking time in NZ is an offence not taken lightly, and just coz the truck's full don't think you'll get away with it either! Ha ha, check it out. |
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Shane wrote:
Subject: Interesting stuff for your site
Noticed an interesting score during the world cup recently:
Unfortunate... -Orsm |
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Glenn wrote:
Subject: Moti Poster
I finally got to contribute to the world of demotivational posters thanks to a pic I got off your site. |
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Jokes wrote:
Subject: The Vuvuzela
Nuff said |
Stuart wrote:
Subject: The correct time to blow a vuvuzela...
The correct time to blow a vuvuzela... bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz |
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Shane wrote:
Subject: English keepers thoughts before USA scored.
One of the guys here at work doctored this up... |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Chicks Dig The Cup - Part 2 - C thru H
Four years have passed, and the World Cup has returned. And so have I with my "Chicks Dig The Cup" collection of pics. The real downside to this World Cup is that, for some of the matches, the temperatures are not very warm. You can tell in the match photos taken of the fans, the women are more covered up than the past two tourneys. Oh well, what can you do? Here are some of the pics I have found this tournament. |
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Stuart wrote:
Subject: world cup pics...
World Cup pics - some funny ones. See attached. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: ex
withhold ;p |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Few more pics and I'm done.
Hide info of course. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Wife Self Shots
Hi Orsm, Here's a collection of self shots the wife has sent me by text over the years. Been caught out a few times opening them in front of work mates. Use as you see fit but withhold my details. Cheers mate, keep up the good work... your site is by far the best on the inter-web. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Train Wreck in Canada
Great site, long time viewer first time posting. Train wreck in Nova Scotia, Canada. 14 cars derailed 5 tankers filled with propane and butane, and the one in the woods hydrogen peroxide. with hold info please |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pictures
see pictures of my slut Nicole - she wants to be exposed to the world. Please do not post my contact information |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Chrissi
This is a whore named Chrissi from Toccopola, Mississippi who likes to fuck around on her truck driver husband while he's on the road. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: More Ganga Pics
Yo Mr Orsm Second time posting on your site some ganga sent me these pics added her randomly from a sex group on facebook her other pics matched too. Hide my details but show the world what gangas in Sydney have to offer hahahaha serves her right lol |
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Tomas wrote:
Subject: Why You Should Not Use A .50 Caliber Round As A Hammer
Did Darwin allow for modern weapons when writing his hypothesis?
That may leave a scar. -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Fenny Flicker
Video going round at work bout an employees missus. Hide details |
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Mark wrote:
Subject: Kev the Wrecker
Don't know if you've seen this yet. You've probably heard of most of the broken promises though. Kev the Wrecker |
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| DARE DORM |
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ORSM
VIDEO
Two aliens landed at Ceduna near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you." The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You shouldn't do that! I really don't think you should make him mad". "Rubbish", replied the cocky young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire.
There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a prickly pear bush.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older alien who was standing over him shaking his big greenhead.
"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, is that you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear".
| PRIYA IS A SQUIRTER |
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A Russian and Ole the Norwegian wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal.
Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has". Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished'. Ole nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.
The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face... I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."
So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!" "Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"
| BEAUTIFUL VENICE |
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A boy was watching his mother take a bath. As she got out to dry off, he notices her upper torso he asks, "Momma what are those?" She replies, "Son those are my breasts."
As she turns her back to him, he asks "Momma what is that?" She replies "Son that is my derriere."
As she turns to slip on her robe he spies her nether region and asks, "Momma what is that?"
She replies "That son is none of your business!"
Later the boy is playing by the kitchen door, and the father comes in from work hungry. The father hollers toward the kitchen to the mum, "Hey, honey, what's for dinner?" She replies "None of your business." The son, shaking his head, says, "YUCK!"
| CARLI BANKS |
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Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad calls President Obama and tells him, "Barack, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner."
"What did it say on the banners?" Obama asks. Mahmud replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN."
Obama says, "You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner."
"What did it say on the banners?" Mahmud asks. Obama replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."
ORSM
VIDEO
Well dudes that's about all I got. Some serious love and hours went in to sticking this update together so hopefully it was worthy of your time. Alternatively if you didn't enjoy it then GOOD because that's what I was trying to do...
- Check out the site archives. You'll be glad... or you won't... only one way to find out though.
- Next update will be next at some point between Wednesday and Friday, but not on either of those days.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will start by befriending you. After some years of building a strong relationship he'll encourage you to enter politics, aim for the top and all that. With Rays help you'll begin rising through the ranks. Eventually you'll become Prime Minister of Australia with Ray as your Deputy. That's when the bad advice will start except you won't think its bad advice because Ray is so trusted. This will go on for a few years and one day, after public opinion has turned against you, he'll challenge you for the leadership. The next day you'll be out of a job. Humiliated. Devastated. And why? Well that's just the lengths Ray will go to.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and umm yeah. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2010.06.17-21.17 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. A litany of excellence.
Quick week. I don't even know where it went and now that I think of it, probably good that the cooler months are passing at such a rate. Probably safe to say that this phenomenon is occurring due to the ridiculous hours I've spent chained to the PC. Why? Because I'm starting to plan my annual road trip hopefully for some time in August so the idea is to get as far ahead as possible so nothing screws it up.
Soccer... I know pretty much anyone with a mouth has voiced their opinion over those annoying Vuvuzela horns but can someone please explain to me what it's all about? WHY are the locals so attached to the fucking things? WHY buy a ticket to a game only to spend the whole thing pissing people off? Does it mean something? Is it the African 'Aussie Aussie Aussie' equivalent? Hate to say it, hate to sound petty but that crap has made any and all games completely unwatchable. Honestly my biggest fear is that they become a worldwide fad - can think of nothing worse than trying to watch an Australian Rules game while some retard hammers a Vuvuzela incessantly.
Okay got lots to crap on about so let's jump straight to my weekend and its associated activities starting with Friday. An absolutely freezing 2.7°C morning was begun with a long walk... something which felt almost defeatist because at that temp it's impossible to break a sweat. Following that was a day of impromptu shopping. Firstly some winter clothing because everything I own is too old and grotty or not season appropriate. Second was a bed quilt. Very domesticated of me admittedly but with the EOFY stocktake sales in full swing it was an opportunity not to be missed. Reason: I'm sick of waking up throughout the night shivering.
Hit some Irish pub that night... the kind that's been there for over 17,000 years, you've driven past 4,500 times and never been to. We've fallen into a Friday evening drinks thing lately. Not every week but enough to become a thing. Maybe there's some novelty attached in that working from home and having isolationist tendencies has meant I never really had that phase of my life unlike my white collar mates did/have. The closest I came was Friday arvo Raunchies at the Wangarra Tavern during my tradesman years. Who remembers that place...? It was always a competition to see who could go home with the most stickers removed from the strippers' bodies using your teeth. Ah good times...
Kind of hit an impasse on Saturday as far as major works around the house were concerned - have done as much as I can by myself and now need to hang back for assistance. Still managed to find a few small things to keep me amused before heading off to a help a mate setup his new home theatre system. Why I was even asked I don't know. Why I agreed is even more mystifying. "But you work with computers - same thing right...?" It took the better part of the day, a frustrating trip to buy cables and all I managed was to get everything plugged in. Beyond that it's anyone's fucking guess how the cunt works.
Watched one of the best, most nasty, most awesome films I've ever seen that night. The Human Centipede starts with two girls who break down in the middle of nowhere. They knock on a door, one thing leads to another and a maniac surgically connects them to another guy...arse to mouth. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry for most of it but if you can say anything it's that they do cover everything and answer all questions in regards to the 'mechanics' of the procedure. Highly recommended viewing.
Sunday was kind of all about cleaning and tidying. After the mandatory morning stroll I took the pooch to the dogwash for a thorough de-stinking... then home to clean the car... then spent a while raking up leaves and sorting the garden... then did some laundry... then tidied the house. Not how any normal person would choose to spend a day but I did back it up with a cruise down the coast. The goal was to find decent ground coffee which was achieved... except I ground the beans incorrectly and it tastes like arse. I suppose it was a wasted trip but at least gives me something to do this coming weekend... and something to blog about next week...
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It's Game Time - Naughty Teens - Shark Attack - Go Brazilian - YES To Butt Sex - Bad Parenting - Intense Orgasm
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Police in Auckland just announced the discovery of an arms cache of 2,000 semi automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 20 tonnes of heroin $50 million in forged NZ banknotes and 25 trafficked Thai prostitutes all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in Manukau. Local residents were stunned. A community elder said, "We're shocked. We never knew we had a library!!
--
At a QLD state of origin training session, Billy Slater gets the ball and runs around Folau, Thaiday, Inglis, Thurston, Tonga and Civoniceva. Mal Meninga shakes his head and shouts, "Cones, Billy. I said go round the fucking CONES."
--
Playboy just offered Sarah Palin $4 Million to pose nude in the January issue. Michelle Obama got offered 50 Bucks from National Geographic...
--
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, and running around, enjoy the fine arts, appreciate gourmet cooking and classical music, and even how to invest in the stock market," said the man. "Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend. "I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
ORSM
VIDEO
TOP FUEL DRAGSTER FACTS
-One Top Fuel dragster 500 cubic inch Hemi engine makes more horsepower than the first 4 rows at the Daytona 500. They have over half again as much horsepower in one cylinder as a Dodge Viper has in all ten. No one has ever successfully run one long enough on a dyno to get a horsepower reading. Current estimates are right around 6,000 horsepower.
-Under full throttle, a dragster engine consumes 1-1/2 gallons of nitro methane per second; a fully loaded 747 consumes jet fuel at the same rate with 25% less energy being produced.
-A stock Dodge Hemi V8 engine cannot produce enough power to drive the dragster supercharger. The fuel pump alone requires more horsepower to turn than the average street car produces.
-With 3000 CFM of air being rammed in by the supercharger on overdrive, the fuel mixture is compressed into a near-solid form before ignition. Cylinders run on the verge of hydraulic lock at full throttle.
-The 1.7:1 air/fuel mixture for nitro methane produces a flame front temperature measures 7050 degrees F.
-Nitro methane burns yellow. The spectacular white flame seen above the stacks at night is raw burning hydrogen, disassociated from atmospheric water vapour by the searing exhaust gases.
-Dual magnetos supply 44 amps to each spark plug. This is the output of an arc welder in each cylinder.
-Spark plug electrodes are totally consumed during a pass. After the run, the engine is dieseling from compression plus the glow of exhaust valves at 1400 degrees F. The engine can only be shut down by running the car out of fuel. There is no way to cut off the fuel; the engine stops only when it blows or the tank runs dry.
-If spark momentarily fails early in the run, unburned nitro builds up in the affected cylinders and then explodes with sufficient force to blow cylinder heads off the block in pieces or split the block in half.
-In order to exceed 300 mph in 4.5 seconds dragsters must accelerate an average of over 4G's. In order to reach 200 mph well before half-track, the launch acceleration approaches 8G's. To put this in perspective; a top fuel dragster, parked next to a Super Hornet on the steam catapult on the deck of an aircraft carrier, would be in the water and sinking before the Super Hornet was halfway down the deck.
-Dragsters reach over 300 miles per hour before you have completed reading this sentence.
-Top Fuel Engines only turn approximately 540 revolutions from light to light!
-Including the burnout, the engine must only survive 900 revolutions under load. They only survive about 80% of the time.
-Redline at 9500 rpm.
-Assuming all the equipment is paid off, the crew worked for free, and for once NOTHING BLOWS UP, each run costs an estimated $1,000.00 per second.
-The engine is entirely rebuilt every run, or every 900 revolutions. New pistons and rings, new rods, new rod bearings. Sometimes a new crank. The crew does this in about two hours between rounds.
-The current Top Fuel dragster elapsed time record is 4.441 seconds for the quarter mile. The top speed record is 333.00 mph (533 km/h) as measured over the last 66' of the run.
-Putting all of this into perspective: You are driving the average $140,000 Lingenfelter "twin-turbo" powered Corvette Z06. Over a mile up the road, a Top Fuel dragster is staged and ready to launch down a quarter mile strip as you pass. You have the advantage of a flying start. You run the Vette hard up through the gears and blast across the starting line and past the dragster at an honest 200 mph. The 'tree' goes green for both of you at that moment. The dragster launches and starts after you. You keep your foot down hard, but you hear an incredibly brutal whine that sears your eardrums and within 3 seconds the dragster catches and passes you. He beats you to the finish line, a quarter mile away from where you just passed him. Think about it, from a standing start, the dragster had spotted you 200 mph and not only caught, but nearly blasted you off the road when he passed you within a mere 1320 foot long race course.
| JENNIFER WHITE - FUCK YEAH! |
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Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy." Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink.
"Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor. "I'll sleep on it," I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked. "Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!" "Is that so!?" With a bit of an attitude he said, "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!!!"
ORSM
VIDEO
EVER WONDERED WHAT DOCTORS WRITE IN MEDICAL CHARTS?
-The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
-The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the paediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
-Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
-She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
-The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
-Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
-Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
-A midsystolic ejaculation murmur heard over the mitral area.
-The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
-Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
-She is numb from her toes down.
-Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
-The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead.
-When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
-Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
-She has no rigors or chills but her husband says she was very hot in bed last night.
-She can't get pregnant with her husband, so I will work her up.
-Whilst in Casualty she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
-The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.
-On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
-The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
-I will be happy to go into her GI system, she seems ready and anxious.
-Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
-I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
-The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
-Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
-The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
-Healthy-appearing, decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
-The patient has no past history of suicides.
-The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
-Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
-Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.
-The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
-She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
-The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary oedema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
-Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year.
-He had a left toe amputation one month ago. He also had a left-knee amputation last year.
-By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling much better.
-The patient is a 79-year-old widow who no longer lives with her husband.
-The patient refused an autopsy.
-Many years ago the patient had frostbite of the right shoe.
-The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.
-Occasional, constant infrequent headaches
-Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
- Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
| OH IT BE SHOWER TIME |
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A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!" SoThe blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp.
Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out.. "SHIT... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"
| AIRLINE FOOD... NOT ALL BAD! |
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READER MAIL
This week's mail bag is almost fatter than my friend Ray... almost.
Have you ever submitted to Orsm before? It's not a big deal, your email doesn't have to be a big production - just click here and send me your shit. What am I looking for? Well obviously the more highly entertaining, thought provoking, sardonic, everything/nothing the better but I'll happily settle for boobs, jokes, random pics and funny videos. Simply click here to make it happen.
<with held> wrote:
Subject: "the Soccer World Cup"
You CUNT, it's *_football_*!
Only if you want to say it incorrectly. -Orsm
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Re Naming Technology
Hi mate, I read this with amusement: "COMPAQ - using COMp, for computer, and PAQ to denote a small integral object." Actually the answer is that the computer's objective was to steal sales from IBM, so they named it COMPAQ which stood for *COMPA*rable *Q*uality! I'm an oldie but goodie - I was in the game in that era (80's) so this one I know for a fact. |
Stephen wrote:
Subject: I call bullshit
Sorry, but I have to call bullshit on the maggott-leg pics. I saw these on rotton.com at least a year ago, and I know that that type of infestation never occurs on healthy tissue, no matter how nasty. This person is definitely a victim of necrosis, probably from diabetes. Maggots live on dead flesh, not on dirty, live skin. |
M S wrote:
Subject: Re: teabag morons in Chicago
Just so you know, the people in those protest pictures are uninformed idiots. Taxes have gone DOWN for 95% of Americans this year, and the huge corporate bailouts that they're protesting? They were enacted by George W. Bush before he left office, not Obama. Taxes in America are currently at the same level they were under Reagan in the 1980's. But why let some facts get in the way of a good temper tantrum? The problem is, these people had no problem with Bush's wild credit-spending spree for 8 years, or the unfunded waging of two open-ended wars (most want to declare war on MORE countries like Iran and North Korea, with no way to fund them), or the war on drugs that accounts for huge amounts of wasted tax money, but as soon as an african american Democrat is elected and starts trying to PAY for the things we need in this country (like our broken, corrupt health-care system), they are suddenly patriotically opposed to all taxes and government programs. The fact is these people are deliberately ignorant, misinformed morons and they shame our country with their bullshit. It's bad enough to have to tolerate these people in real life, I really wish I didn't have to see it on a site which I enjoy like yours. Just my two cents. But other than that, keep up the good work, man! |
xitz wrote:
Subject: BP!!!
In 1999 BP used this promo throughout the USA, like true Poms they backed their word???
How could anyone hate a company with such foresight? -Orsm
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happy wrote:
Subject: BP
Love the site, been a fan for years. Found this and thought you might like it. |
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Beer Slammer wrote:
Subject: Kevin Rudd Fail
Thought you might like this one mate :)
So simple yet so poignant. -Orsm
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Jason wrote:
Subject: Album
Peter Garrett's New Band and Album Cover? |
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Terry wrote:
Subject: A TALE OF TWO CITIES
First pic is Lahore in Pakistan... and the second is downtown London. Worrying isn't it? |
CJ wrote:
Subject: Read the message on the shirts
Some fans from Stockport County FC talking to the local Police. |
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PAUL G wrote:
Subject: Great Gift Idea for Fathers Day
Father's Day is Sunday, June 20th. Here's somthing EVERY Dad would enjoy, hint, hint !! |
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Benjamin wrote:
Subject: omg haha
read the post, the look at the pic. wtf? that's the butchiest bitch i've ever seen married to a man |
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Brad wrote:
Subject: IMG
It doesn't matter how you spell it, it still sounds the same. Cheers
Umm... -Orsm
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just wrote:
Subject: 2 Pics
The only way I could convince my friend to let me send in a pic of her with a finger in her pussy was to also send one in of my cock...
Hate to admit it but it does seem only fair. -Orsm
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Shane wrote:
Subject: Trouble understanding how to use a toilet?
The Victorian Government is here to help!
The fact they have to explain it is the same reason I -no matter what- won't use public toilets. -Orsm
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Stuart wrote:
Subject: Offside
Attention all women - the offside rule explained...
Hopefully this clears things up for the bitches... -Orsm |
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Paul wrote:
Subject: Saffron
Check this out! Was shopping at Woolies the other day and saw this thing in a glass vial then saw the unit pricing! Why would you risk growing drugs when you can grow this shit! That's almost $135,000 a kilo!
If I calculated it right that's three times more expensive than gold. -Orsm
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Adam wrote:
Subject: Funny Picture
These two [are] are my buddy, last party, he decided it would make a cool pic to light sparklers he held in his buttcheeks.... sparklers flame more than we use to apparently
"Do it dude...!! What's the worst that could happen!?" -Orsm
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Dale wrote:
Subject: Bad to The Bone
CHECK THIS OUT!!! MADE BY AN ORTHOPAEDIC SURGEON. LOOK AT HIS HANDS AND FEET. THIS IS AMAZING! I STILL CAN'T FIND THE GAS TANK THOUGH. This guy has far too much money and time on his hands. How would you like to see this coming at you in the rear view mirror? |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: g/f's boobs
please hide the details.yes i taps this evry night and every morning before we go to work!
Bless you kind sir for sharing. -Orsm
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Mike wrote:
Subject: NHL Ice Crews
Do the American NHL teams know how to sell the game or what?
I for one am now prepared to give it a shot. -Orsm
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OneMan wrote:
Subject: If you have way too much time and packing tape...
An Austrian artist has built a replica Porsche GT3 out of tinfoil and sticky tape and mounted it on a bicycle. Depending on how fast you can pedal, it might outrun a 914.
Cool as long as it's not some sort of elaborate 'green' message. -Orsm
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Terry wrote:
Subject: How a Bowl Should be Licked
How sweet. The owner grabbed a camera instead of chasing the puppy away. I'll bet someone had a major bellyache shortly after this... but how adorable... |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: SKANK
Thought I'd show you an old skank that is married yet emailed her photos to me on a dating website in NZ. She wanted me to fuck her then cum all over her tits, but when I saw the fucking state of her cunt, I thought NOT!!! Really, wouldn't you think her husband would
introduce her to some wax or at least a fucking razor blade!!!! |
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lucas wrote:
Subject: Don't Mess with an Australian Redback Spider!!
An office receptionist got the shock of her life earlier this week when she found a 70cm long snake entangled in the web of a deadly red back spider. The snake, which had obviously died from the spider's poisonous bite, was off the ground and caught up in the web. It is believed the snake got caught in the web on Monday night. But it did not take the red back spider long to bite it. A red mark on the snake's stomach was evidence of where the spider had started eating it. Throughout Tuesday, the spider checked on her prey, but on Wednesday she rolled it up and started spinning a web around it. She also kept lifting it higher off the ground, while continually snacking on it. Come to Australia, where our spiders eat our snakes ! |
OneMan wrote:
Subject: Only 6 of these available - Be quick
The Lamborghini of the ocean is here. Your standard super yacht, this is not! It's the Stand Craft 122 super yacht, complete with its own onboard supercar.
Sure you're getting a killer boat and sweet car, but the world's hottest couple don't come cheap. The Stand Craft 122 super yacht will set you back just over $30 Million. But billionaires take note, there's only six of the aquatic weapons up for sale, so be sure to get your hands on one quickly. |
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| DARE DORM |
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Jack couldn't get his girlfriend to agree to marry him, until one day his grandfather died, leaving him $10 million. Oddly enough, the next week, his girlfriend, Diane agreed to marry him.
After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men's names! Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men.
Finally, he decided to confront her."Diane," he said, "the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me $10 million when he died!" "Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "I don't care who gave you the money!"
ORSM
VIDEO
A woman was looking at the animals on display in a pet store. A few minutes later, a man walked in and said to the shopkeeper "I'll take a Construction Monkey, please".
The shopkeeper nodded and took a monkey out of a cage. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the man, saying, "That'll be $5,000." The man paid and left with the monkey.
The surprised woman went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?
"The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that's a Construction Monkey. He can drive trucks, set forms, erect steel & equipment and run pipe. All with no back talk or complaints. He's well worth the money."
The woman then spotted a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one" replied the shopkeeper. "That's a Project Foreman, he can read drawings, answer RFI's, supervise and inspect quality. A very useful monkey indeed."
The woman looked around a little longer and found a monkey with a $50,000 price tag. The shocked woman exclaimed, "This one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world can it do?"
"Well," said the shopkeeper, "I've never actually seen him do anything except drink beer and play with his dick. But his papers say he's a Mining Engineer."
| SUNNY STREET? ROAD? AVENUE? NO IT'S SUNNY LANE... |
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Doing a rollcall on the first day back at school at Bankstown Primary, the teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:
"Mustafa El Ekh Zeri?" "Here."
"Achmed El Kabul?" "Here."
"Fatima Al Chadoury?" "Here."
"Abdul Alu Ohlmi?" "Here."
Mohammed Ibn Achrha?" "Here."
"Mi Cha El Mey Er?"
Silence in the classroom. "Mi Cha El Mey Er?" Continued silence as everyone looked around the room. She repeated, "Is there any child here called Mi Cha El Mey Er?"
A boy arose and said, "Sorry Miss. I think that's me. My name is Michael Meyer."
| FOUNTAIN FUN |
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In a small town in Texas, the local madam operated a telephone service. The police finally arrested her and seized her big black book in which her talent was listed. Each officer on the force was assigned a group of the names in it and told to check them out.
After a week, the Chief called a meeting to get their reports. When it became the turn of Detective Ralph to tell what he had found, he said, "I'm sorry, Chief, but I think I should disqualify myself. One of the ladies on whom I called is an eighty-four-year-old woman. She is so charming that I have to tell you that I have fallen in love with her."
"Damnation, boy!" exclaimed the Chief. "I sure am surprised at you. You've been a policeman almost all your life - and here you are, falling for the oldest trick in the book."
| TIFFANY TAYLOR |
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A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.
The nervous Sergeant said, "Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel." The Captain said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild and insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
"No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are."
ORSM
VIDEO
Aaaaaaand... CUT! That's all I got for you dudes this week. No doubt you're exhausted after getting through all of that but fear not, there is more. Read on...
- Check out the site archives. Last one in is a rotten egg/cunt.
- Next update will be next Thursday. I haven't missed one since the last time I missed one.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will try to make your mouth pregnant. He'll do whatever it takes. Whatever is required so you learn your lesson. He's that kind of guy. Matter of fact Ray is like a brother to me. And when I say 'brother', I don't mean like an actual brother, but I mean it like the way black people use it. Which is more meaningful I think.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and smile like you fucked her sister. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2010.06.10-21.45 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. There's been a new twist.
I'm feeling very much torn between having looked forward to winter for months and feeling the cold more than any other year in my life to date. Not sure why the change - could be that I've dropped some kilo's or that I've forgotten how chilly winter is. I'm actually thinking about getting a pair of gloves to keep my fingers warm although it's still not clear as to how my sexuality will be affected doing this. Am I just being prudent or will they immediately make me love cock? Whatever happens, no matter how cold it may get, I absolutely will not be one of those guys who wears a scarf. The next ice age could arrive and I'd still not make that faux pas.
So I'm wondering how many of you guys are excited about the Soccer World Cup... or even give a shit? Most people I've spoken to have little interest which could just be an Australia thing or maybe a my circle of friends thing. Not all that surprising with the media coverage casting pessimism over the Aussie squads chances. That said, I'll be dragging myself out of bed in the middle of the nite to watch a game or two but I'm guessing the real entertainment is going to come from the natives running amok on the tourists. Actually it probably wouldn't be a bad idea for the betting agencies to start taking money on how many tourists will be bashed, beaten and killed...
The weekend was a big blurry blur. Same as last however many consecutive weeks, the stream of minor renovations and repairs continued around the homestead. Saturday for instance was all about the kitchen [again]. This time requiring some sawing, fitting and plastering to fill a few gaps. As usual not hard, but fiddly and time consuming. Somewhere mixed in there was the mandatory hardware store run before returning to replace the bathroom extraction fan... yet another job that was way harder than it had to be because whoever installed the original fan hard wired the damn thing in. Usually it's just unplug and plug but apparently that would have been too easy. My next feat was the kitchen ceiling which had a significant sag in one area so much gluing and bracing was done to pull the fucker back up. I'll find out this weekend if it was successful. If not, the worst that can happen is the whole thing will collapse killing me...
We hit the town that evening for a friends going away party. Good night, good time and all that although a couple of noteworthy events. First was some girl I was chatting to... can't quite explain just how old I felt the moment she told me she was 'almost 19'. Second was when I was walking up the stairs and spotted an extremely drunk girl in high heels attempting to walk down. No way she was making it down without injury so, chivalry abound, offered a hand. She accepted, I grabbed her wine glass, wine bottle and arm and lead the way. And then "My name is Aliesha and I have a boyfriend". WHY DO GIRLS DO THIS? Don't want to fuck you Aliesha... but did you see what happened to Tom Cruise's face in Vanilla Sky? Safely on the ground the conversation devolved into 10 minutes of defending myself on why I think the iPad is overrated before the bouncers chucked her out for being too drunk. Aaaaand... vindicated.
Sunday kicked off with a brisk 3.5km walk. Part of my new health kick regime which also serves to tire the dog out so I won't be harassed all day. Once home it was time to begin sanding the kitchen walls again... thankfully now 95% done which means I can finally start tiling. It's coming up five years living here and that's how long ago I stripped the original poo-olive-brown tiles. Foresight or...? Spent some QT with the garden once finished inside and then cruised down the coast to Fremantle solely to get a Boost Juice. Whether that's pathetic or entirely reasonable remains to be seen but clearly they put something highly addictive in their Raspberry Ripe which makes you crave one so very, very badly.
I pretty much wasted the Monday public holiday... well not wasted... just didn't utilise. Early morning walk in near-arctic temperatures then home to find something interesting to do. Somehow that turned into working and listing shit on eBay until it was all over and considering we don't get another one until September, no doubt I'll regret that.
Alright that'll do with the mush spewing out of my brain. Let's get on with the update. Prepare yourselves for a fucking cracker too. Check it...
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Best Game Ever - Showmanship Fail - Huge Teen Tits - U Want Nudity? - Today's Awww - Obey Me Bitch! - Badonkadonk
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Sucker Punched - Epic Titties - Miley - Disgusting - Graveyard Shift - Normal-fornia - Redneck KungFu - Glee Upskirt
I think it's very sad that Adriana Xenides has died. I'm not even going to make a joke about it. That would be _n_ppr_pr__t_.
--
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship."How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively. "I would like it infrequently" she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered "Is that one word or two?"
--
A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. Once at the fancy place, to his dismay she ordered almost every most expensive item on the menu. She ordered appetisers (everything from calamari to escargot), lobster, prime rib, champagne... the works! Finally he asked her, "Does your mother feed you like this at home?" "No," she answered, "but my mother isn't expecting me to suck her cock either."
--
A little known fact: The first testicular guard [ball box] was used in cricket in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. It took 100 years for men to realise that their brains could also be important...
ORSM
VIDEO
DEAR WIFE/SWEETHEART/GIRLFRIEND/PARTNER/WHOEVER
1. Between 11 June and 11 July 22010, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you Aare aware of what is going on regarding the World of Soccer, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.
2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).
3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me.
4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill oaf my drink or something to eat. You are out off your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell on the floor... It won't happen.
5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge ait all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on (excluding your body parts), and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6amm, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.
6. Please, please, please!! If you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOTT say "get over it, it's only a game", or "don't worry, they'll win next time"". If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called "words of encouragement"" will only lead to a break up or divorce.
7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the half time scores is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying "one" game; hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse too "spend time together".
8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if II have seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again, Manny times.
9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because: a) I will not go, b) I will not go, and c) I will not go.
10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.
11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to something we can all watch?" because, the reply will be, "Refer to Rule #2 of this list".
12. And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank God the World Cup is only every 4 years". I aim immune to these words, because before and after this comes the Champions League, Premier League, Italian League, Spanish League, KPL, FAA Cup, Euro Cup, etc.
PS. If you get stuck on the road call the Police or ANYONE but me. Thanks.
| GEORGIA JONES |
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|
NAMING TECHNOLOGY...
ADOBE - came from name of the river Adobe Creek that ran behind the house of founder John Warnock.
APACHE - It got its name because its founders got started by applying patches to code written for NCSA's httpd daemon. The result was 'A PAtCHy' server - thus, the name Apache.
APPLE COMPUTERS - favourite fruit of founder Steve Jobs. He was three months late in filing a name for the business, and he threatened to call his company Apple Computers if the other colleagues didn't suggest a better name by 5 o'clock.
C - Dennis Ritchie improved on the B programming language and called it 'New B'. He later called it C. Earlier B was created by Ken Thompson as a revision of the Bon programming language (named after his wife Bonnie)
CISCO - it's not an acronym but the short for San Francisco.
COMPAQ - using COMp, for computer, and PAQ to denote a small integral object.
GNU - a species of African antelope. Founder of the GNU project Richard Stallman liked the name because of the humour associated with its pronunciation and was also influenced by the children's song 'The Gnu Song' which is a song sung by a Gnu. Also it fitted into the recursive acronym culture with 'GNU's Not Unix'.
GOOGLE - the name started as a jokey boast about the amount of information the search-engine would be able to search. It was originally named 'Googol', a word for the number represented by 1 followed by 100 zeros. After founders - Stanford grad students Sergey Brin and Larry Page presented their project to an angel investor, they received a cheque made out to 'Google'!
HOTMAIL - Founder Jack Smith got the idea of accessing e-mail via the web from a computer anywhere in the world. When Sabeer Bhatia came up with the business plan for the mail service, he tried all kinds of names ending in 'mail' and finally settled for hotmail as it included the letters "html" - the programming language used to write web pages. It was initially referred to as HoTMaiL with selective upper casing.
HP - Bill Hewlett and Dave Packard tossed a coin to decide whether the company they founded would be called Hewlett-Packard or Packard-Hewlett.
INTEL - Bob Noyce and Gordon Moore wanted to name their new company 'Moore Noyce' but that was already trademarked by a hotel chain, so they had to settle for an acronym of INTegrated ELectronics.
JAVA - Originally called Oak by creator James Gosling, from the tree that stood outside his window, the programming team had to look for a substitute as there was another language with the same name. Java was selected from a list of suggestions. It came from the name of the coffee that the programmers drank.
ORSM
VIDEO
Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution. This place had an annual contest picking two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they got them correct, they're deemed cured and free to go. Jon was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly.
The doctor said, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?" Jon said, "I'd be half blind." "That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?" "I'd be completely blind."
The doctor stood up, shook Jon's hand, and told him he was free. On Jon's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the exam to his friend Amanpreet. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers. So Amanpreet came in.
The doctor went thru the formalities and asked, "What would happen if I cut off one ear?"
Amanpreet, remembering what Jon had said was the correct answer said, "I'd be half blind."
The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on.
"What if I cut off the other ear?" "I'd be completely blind," Amanpreet answered. "Amanpreet, can you explain how you'd be *blind*?" "My hat would fall down over my eyes..."
| CATWALK NIP SLIPS |
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|
EXERCISE
Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell he is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I joined a health club last year... spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say "Well, she looks good doesn't she."
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years... just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour, and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
| MONACO |
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|
You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!
READER MAIL
Reader mail is where I post all the cool stuff you guys bombard me with. There is one catch however - you must actually bombard me. Feel free to go all Hiroshima on me. I'm always eager to get my grubby little hands on just about anything you can ram down the internets and fill my inbox with SO if there's some kinky pictures of your ex-girlfriend, fucked up jokes, funny video clips or just about anything else you would like to share with your fellow Orsm'ers then simply click here and make it happen. We [humanity and I] will be glad you did but until then check it...
Matt wrote:
Subject: There is no way that bird is 16 problem.
Gday Mr Orsm! Just thought i should sadly let you know that the pictures of that chick attached to the Saints Girl submission arent of the real Saints Girl. Even though shes damn hot unfortunately she lives near Mentone and isnt preggers at all! Source: got her on facebook ;) |
Lance wrote:
Subject: Grateful Dog
The Grateful Dog video was great, and it reminded me of my own story with a small bird caught in the stairway behind an apartment I used to live in. It's has long been my opinion that animals are better at communicating and complex thought than we humans give them credit for, and it shows when they are caught in situations they can't get themselves out of. Indulge my story, if you will, and draw your own conclusion. [ continues] |
Sir Fuzzman wrote:
Subject: Adriana Xenides
Hey Mate, Long time first time.... Here's a dodgey photoshop i did on my iPhone....hope ya at least find it amusing..... Love ya work! Cheers. |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Gary
Gary Coleman's Casket
Dead celebrity jokes... the lowest form of comedy, the highest form of humour. -Orsm
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Ed27th wrote:
Subject: I'm feelin' the pain.....
A lot of guys I know will be out of touch for several weeks starting immediately. They have been very upset about the impending damage to the Louisiana coast, so when they received the call for help in clean-up and saw the picture of the oil soaked creatures that are washing up on the beach at Grand Isle, They immediately decided to answer the call. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: 3D Pregnancy
ORSM, Give this one a try. I wonder what would have happened if she'd gone to see Avatar!!! Do you think it's too soon to ask Whoopi Goldberg if she's heard from Patrick Swayze? Just sayin'.......... No details please......... |
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Steven wrote:
Subject: caption competition, what do you think ?
Seb says "i was pulling right" Webber say's "yes you dumb kraut, that's where i was you fuckwit" |
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Ron wrote:
Subject: USELESS STAIRS
Saw these at a Casino resort. WTF?
Umm... -Orsm
|
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Chris wrote:
Subject: Something for your site...
I found this while searching for information on various cuts of beef. Cuts of beef indeed. Keep up the great work!
If I drooled when seeing that does it make me gay? -Orsm |
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Uhuh wrote:
Subject: slogan
some people shouldn't write slogans... OMG I larfed ! just terrible !
How cruel. Why can't they grow unimpaired people too? -Orsm
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PAUL wrote:
Subject: Oil Leak
HOW TO PLUG THE OIL LEAK IN THE GULF |
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SS wrote:
Subject: Quote of the day
You'll like this - no-one else I know will.
Funny because it's true. -Orsm |
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Greg wrote:
Subject: Iraqi child seat
Taken a few days ago near Basra. Cheers
|
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OneMan wrote:
Subject: maggotz
Ok.. after looking at this guy ... all i can say is OMFG. i think i told you about this homeless guy -well if i didn,t he walked of the street into hospital nobody wanted to go near him as he stank so bad eventually a doctor came in and took him into the room you see now and cleaned him up the maggots were only superfiscial -it was because he had not had a shower in so long |
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Brett wrote:
Subject: Attempted hijacking in Benoni
Attached are crime scene photos taken by the victims of an attempted hijacking in Benoni. While returning home, the husband and wife were blocked in in their driveway by a white Audi with three armed bravo males. Luckily, their son was home at the time and in an effort to protect his parents, he opened up with his personal firearm on the three robbers, emptying his entire mag - 17 rounds. (It's a pity he didn't have any more mags on him...). He hit one of them square in the head - dead, the second one he injured critically, and it seems the driver was only slightly wounded and managed to drive off with his buddies. They recovered the Audi in a parking garage of a shopping centre not far away. From the photos it becomes quite apparent what damage the shooter inflicted on the robbers - one poor armed robber lies dead in the Audi. According to police, the shooter single-handedly took out one of the armed-robbery gangs that had been terrorising the neighbourhood for ca. four weeks prior to the incident. And according to the family, they have only praise for all the police officers that were involved in this incident. They say the police acted highly professionally and went out of their way to assist the distressed family. This is clearly a prime example that many police officers in this country are still willing to do their jobs and to go that extra mile to help those in need! |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Something to contribute.
This girl dumped me by just ignoring me. If she would have picked a better way to end things than I wouldn't have to release the pics she let me take. Hide info plz.
Too skinny anyway. -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pic you may want to use.
Here's some pics of an ex, please feel free to use them if you can........ great site. please withold my details. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Yes sir
it took me all of half hr for this dirty little slut from the u.s. i meet online to send me these snaps. hope you enjoy. and please keep me anonymous!!!
Tasty little morsel. -Orsm
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bernie wrote:
Subject: old chev pics
Gday ORSM.
The pics attached are from Dorrigo NSW and the old chev is used regularly and whats in the back makes you wonder??
hope you can use them?? |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Photo's of my girl
Love the site for years. First time submitting. Photo's of my girl... She's hot, and hot-blooded. Keep the details private, if you would.. |
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terry wrote:
Subject: The Backlash has started - you have to see these pics
They just keep getting better! It's sad what is happening - the disgust that has built up, but we do need to stand up and be heard. In Chicago just as B. Obama was arriving and got into a terrible traffic jam. I didn't see ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN, MSNBC covering this, did you? Wonder why... Those who have visited Chicago will recognize the downtown area. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: ex
;p withhold info
I strongly approve of breasts this big. -Orsm
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Some Guy wrote:
Subject: A Violinist in the Metro
this isn't a feel good story...more about how stoopid peeple are... which makes me feel good... so it is a feel good story I suppose... Yay! |
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| DARE DORM |
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ORSM
VIDEO
Joan, who was rather well-proportioned, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're resting on the dining room skylight."
| HOW GOOD IS BRIGETTE!? |
 |
|
RANDOM SHITE
Complaints as to what ends up in RS will only strengthen my resolve! I bet you still check it though...
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Farmer john lived on a quiet rural highway. But as time went by the traffic built up to an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day farmer john called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care! Just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers erected a sign that said: SLOW - SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later farmer john called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers! The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW - CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So farmer john called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" the sheriff told him, "sure thing, put up your own sign."
He was willing to let farmer john do just about anything to stop him calling everyday to complain.
The sheriff got no more calls from farmer john. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give farmer john a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." he hung up the phone. The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... It might be something that we could use to slow down drivers..."
So the sheriff drove out to farmer john's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray painted on a sheet of wood: NUDIST COLONY - GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS!
| SKINNY IS THE NEW UGLY |
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An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing" it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open!"
| CHARLEY CHASE |
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One Day a bright yellow toad is hopping around feeling miserable because he's not like other toads, when he bumps into the Good Fairy God Mother. He says to her "I'm unhappy! I don't like being yellow can you make me brown like the other toads?" She says "Sure thing!" and -POOF!- the little toad turns brown.... except for his "willie".
He asks her, How come his willie is still yellow and she says "I don't do willies, you'll have to go see The Wizard of Oz to get that fixed". So off he goes...
A little while later, along comes a purple bear and asks her "Can you change me to brown? I don't like being purple and the other bears are all brown. -POOF!- the bear turns brown except for his willie!
He says "Why is my willie still purple? She says "I don't do willies you'll have to go see the Wizard! The bear asks "Where is he?" and the Fairy God Mother points and says "Just follow the Yellow Dick Toad!
ORSM
VIDEO
Well that's all I'm good for. Hopefully you've enjoyed surfing through this bad boy as much as I have sticking it altogether. If not, then as I have said before - it's more than likely a problem with YOU...
- Check out the site archives. DO IT.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Unimaginative I agree.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will outline for you a paradox so confounding that it will have a knock on effect in every aspect of your life.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and keep warm. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2010.06.03-22.18 |
|
Welcome to Orsm.net. Whuck?
Update day they tell me...? In case you were wondering, I'm upbeat and perky although a little on edge. I mentioned last week something about construction starting on houses directly behind me. I'm all for shit like this because apparently it drives property values up but what I'm not enjoying is 7.01am every morning. That's the time diggers begin digging, mixers start mixing and fucking sand compactors commence compacting. I'll deal with it for the moment [because I scored a brand new higher fence out of it] however I'm guessing the novelty will wear off pretty quickly...
Funny trying to chat to the builders actually. They came past a few weeks back to notify me about the fence. I'm easy going with this stuff - been around by it my whole life, worked on plenty of construction sites and whatever so I know what the deal is. Never really been on the adjoining property end however so chatting to the builders was a unique experience. Why? Because they by default regard you as a potential problem and as such it's just about impossible to ply information out of them. Not as if I was asking for detailed plans or costing's but the responses to my stickybeaking were met with very guarded, very cautious one word answers. Understandable and probably for the best... won't feel like such a prick when I have to hurl abuse at them down the track.
Moving on... I'm finally starting to get interested in this oil well disaster in the Gulf of Mexico. Not that I don't care the environment is being destroyed but I'm so far removed from the chaos and carnage that until now it's been just another oil spill. What I have found most fascinating though is the public relations strategy from BP in terms of getting ahead of the story. Live internet stream of the busted well spewing oil into the ocean plus information being released constantly as to exactly what they're doing, where they're failing, why nothing is working and so on.
Without giving anyone a pat on the back, I honestly can't remember the last time a company was so forthright. As a comparison, a few years back in Western Australia's north there was a huge blowout on a gas mining facility. Massively affected the states gas supplies, damaged businesses and polluted some stuff and -if I remember correctly- the company or whoever it was in charge of the mess pretty much went to ground over the whole thing. It wasn't until months later that the cause and any significant info was released... and that about sums up how most fuck-ups are handled.
With that in mind I wonder what the science is behind taking this route. It's very much a "Yep we messed up and just want you to know we're doing everything possible to fix it" approach that seems almost ingenious. It won't make anyone fill up at their petrol stations more than they otherwise would but it may stop people from driving past them.
Okay let's do the weekend wrap while there's still space. God knows I'm feeling talkative this week and could ramble on for at least another six or seven paragraphs but I'll spare you poor bastards the mediocrity of my writing...
Stay at home Saturday was a highly productive day. After putting around the house for a while deciding what to do I just started doing stuff. Same as where this whole 'get organised' thing started a while back, I went room to room doing what needed to be done. Fix shelving unit here, tighten a screw there, clean out this, reorganise that etc. Can finally say that this shithole is starting to take shape and be something I'm almost not ashamed of. That got me through until late afternoon which left just enough time to wash the car for the first time in weeks. Like I said - productive day. The kind where after it's done you walk around with a big gay smile feeling like you've achieved something even though you're the only one who cares.
Was sort of dreading Sunday. The ongoing saga of the never-finished kitchen renovation was about to enter its messiest phase by way of sanding the wall filler off. So I sealed up all the doors to the area and begun. If you ever had the pleasure of doing this you'll know how much of a cunt it is... not because it's hard, but because that ultra fine dust ends up everywhere so basically an hour sanding gives you that plus more in cleaning. Almost better off living with shitty walls... almost.
From there was a few hours outside in the glorious sun savaging the garden. The epic storm from a few months back flooded parts of the garden washing away all the mulch which has caused weeds to sprout everywhere. They were dealt with and re-mulched followed by some hedge trimming, poop collection and leave raking. It occurred to me at some point in amongst there that I hadn't left the house all weekend so did something I haven't done in ages and went for a cruise. Lap down the coast, through the cappuccino strip and weaved my way back home. Perfect way to end a weekend.
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If there's one thing you can say about Gary Coleman it's that he lived a short life...
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Two Muslims in a Toyota Tarago have driven off a cliff in Sydney. Police officers attending the scene said it was an appalling tragedy, as the vehicle was capable of seating seven.
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The new 3D TV is that realistic, the other day I was watching a documentary, on Aborigines of all things, actually it was quite interesting, but I ended up falling asleep in front of the TV. When I woke up my wallet was gone!
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I still remember play time at school, a bit of footy, sneaking a quick cigarette and trying to finger girls behind the bike sheds... I fucking loved that caretaker's job.
ORSM
VIDEO
PUNS FOR THE EDUCATED
1. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire... and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
5. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression: "He who has a Tate's is lost!"
6. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologised profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
10. A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
| AUDREY BITONI - AMATEUR STYLE |
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LETTER FROM SCOUT CAMP
Dear Mum, Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down. That's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent. Signed, Your Loving Son.
ORSM
VIDEO
One sunny day in January, 2013 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here." The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama." The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"
The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it." The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."
| UPSKIRT |
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The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door...
Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
In fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Finally, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't smoke or drink
7. Don't want to wear your clothes
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college
10. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children
| COME FLY WITH ME |
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READER MAIL
Reader mail is where I post all the cool stuff you guys bombard me with. There is one catch however - you must actually bombard me. Feel free to go all Hiroshima on me. I'm always eager to get my grubby little hands on just about anything you can ram down the internets and fill my inbox with SO if there's some kinky pictures of your ex-girlfriend, fucked up jokes, funny video clips or just about anything else you would like to share with your fellow Orsm'ers then simply click here and make it happen. We [humanity and I] will be glad you did but until then check it...
Jason wrote:
Subject: Excellent letter
This one got sent to me. It's written from the Canadian perspective, but applies to any great county infested with the vermin known as the "Entitled" immigrant. [continues...] |
bernie wrote:
Subject: Austar cunts
Gday ORSM.
I would like to warn ALL Aussies of the mongrels at Austar and maybe wake people up to the rorts and bad attitude.
I was a customer for many years but when I tried to cancell my account due to overseas travel, I was stung for almost $500.
after complaining to the so called "customer service" I got hold of some cunt called barbara. This slut is just a typical mouthy yank bitch that very happily informed me to take Austar to court if I didn't like the over charge!!
Im in the process of making a web page dedicated to shutting Austar down and deporting the mouthy yank? I also have a great time when I see them trying to sell Austar at a shopping centre. I walk up and introduce myself and then try and talk a potential customer out of signing up. I make sure the Austar sales team knows who I am and give them my Bis card hoping it will get back to Austar.
The way I see it, if I can talk 1 person out of signing, then thats about $1000 they will lose. so far Ive talked about 6 out of signing. they advertise "free TV" but NOTHING is free when these arsholes are concerned. |
TheMonk wrote:
Subject: The Cock Inn
If I'm not mistaken this particular Cock Inn has the address:- *The Cock Inn*, Church Lane, Sarratt, Hertfordshire. [Not: The Cock Inn, ERBUM, Tillet, Herts.] See this article..... |
John wrote:
Subject: Faceplant from stationary position lmfao
Hi Mr ORSM, longtime reader 1st time joiner-inner lol this is a vid of my mate falling on his face in our local in Liverpool, UK. Thinks he's so cool trying to chat that bird up then BAM on his kipper! hahahaha What a dickhead. Cheers.
Looks like he managed to not spill his beer. Champion effort. -Orsm |
P B wrote:
Subject: Jonesy.
Same dog that was sitting at the desk. I've now trained him to mow my lawn. His name is Indiana Jones. We call him Jonesy.
Let me be the first to say 'awwww'. -Orsm
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psycheman wrote:
Subject: Taken Tuesday in Dallas
Seems not everyone is satisifed with the choice for Pres. |
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Adrian wrote:
Subject: THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS.....!!
This is what happens when you buy second hand clothes and have no idea what is written on them!!!... LOL! |
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Jeff wrote:
Subject: What teacher would do this
My son's kindergarten teacher gave this as an in class assignment, I about lost it when I read it. That's my Boy.
A+. -Orsm
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V wrote:
Subject: Brothel menu from 1912
In the name of history... get a look at those PRICES!!! Brothel Menu from 1912 ...THIS IS DIFFERENT. Well at those prices, hmmmmm, sounds like a good deal!! |
patrick wrote:
Subject: Children need help
Funny headline found on the web... Be sure to see the advertisement to the left of the headline. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: IInet internet filter story
Thought this was worthy of a look. Story about IINet and internet filtering, thumbnail and brief outline. Then when i cliked on the story i got filtered......or so it seems. |
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OneMan wrote:
Subject: Special moment.
"Miss me yet? How's that 'Change' you wanted going?"
Haha. Johnny we miss you. -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Just some random photos
Hold the Details Please! And the pickles too. Long time reader first time poster I Work for some fucked up backwards Company called Kiwirail, the first picture shows a worksite stop sign with the call sign beneath it, another worksite on the system has BRO as the call sign, i guess its so the Maori drivers understand what to do. The second picture shows the EXTREMELY massive penalty for pulling the brake lever on the train. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: scottish wellies
thought you would like this shot we mocked up to see if there was a market. had a lot of intrest as can be imagined in scotland. intrestingly most of it came from aberdeen and the area
Good for holding the sheep steady while you... clean it...? -Orsm
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PAUL G wrote:
Subject: SILICONE VALLEY
Don't know how you pick a winner. Maybe thats why they all have trophies. I'M NOT SURE WHAT THEY HAVE WON, BUT WHO GIVES A SHIT...? |
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AC wrote:
Subject: Gotta love Wiki
hahahaha dont think it will be long before it gets changed!!! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Belfast
A recent trip to Belfast - Bless the Northern Irish - tell them how it is!!!!!!!! Keep my details hidden please |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: funny homeless person with sign!
Hey I love the site!! I make it part of my Thursday to check out the updates! I was driving to a A's baseball game in Oakland California and I noticed this homeless guy! People were chucking quarters at him haha! Please hold the info! Thanks! |
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xitz wrote:
Subject: World Cup fever begins...
What the guys can expect and look forward to: Italy, Germany, USA, Korea, Portugal, Brazil, And finally... ENGLAND!!!!! |
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Jared wrote:
Subject: slut ex gf that cheated on me at the bar
do what you want with them my name is jared i live in independence mo i have more if you would like them and i also have some video let me know if you like and i will send more. hope that you put them up cause i know she looks at the site |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Black Gallardo & Feral Bogan.
I went to to Eastern Creek racetrack in Sydney on the weekend for the Australian GT Championship. This black Gallardo Spyder was parked in the paddock. I quite liked it, but its appeal to me was significantly diminished when I saw the Bogan Beast that it gave birth to. Where's the stereotypical
hot babe that these normally attract? For the sake of my continued existence on this planet, PLEASE don't include my contact details. I'd hate to get on the wrong side of this particular item, which I can only describe as "possibly human, possibly female." |
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OneMan wrote:
Subject: Giant Archaeological Find in Greece
Fact or fiction, this makes for great reading. These photos are amazing! Its sad that you will not hear about this on the news! These astounding photos are from a recent archaeological discovery in Greece; This totally unexpected find furnishes proof of the existence of "Nephilim". Nephilim is the word used to describe the giants spoken of in biblical times by Enoch as well as the giant David fought against (Goliath). It is generally believed that most of these Giants came about when the fallen angels had union with earthly woman. Note the incredible size of the skull... |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Porsche
Orsm, Check out this sweet chromed Porsche. I bet owning one fo these would send you loopy you fucking clean freak. No deets. Onya.
It's true - my OCD couldn't withstand the torture of an all chromed car. -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: ex girl again
withhold my info |
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Paul wrote:
Subject: pics for you
Greetings from Bundaberg.... Here are some photos of my bro in laws Sako A7 .243 hunting rifle after it exploded in his face Sunday 30th May 2010. Cause is not yet confirmed, but it goes a little something like this....... Entire breech blown wide open. Scope rail has been ripped from the rest of the gun. Stock blown into many pieces, even the magazine was bown to pieces which were later found. The bolt managed to stay where it should but it has also been destroyed. $1700 rifle, $300 Leupold 3-9x30 scope. Injuries: cut to right cheek from who knows what, cuts to webbing of right hand. |
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Mal wrote:
Subject: There is no way that bird is 16 hahah
This is the email doing the rounds. Can't verify accuracy of details are correct but seems as though someone has done some serious research... The girl was a student at Frankston High, but her parents are
quite wealthy and the girl in question presents very well i.e. not a
typical Frankston local and does not look 16; She now lives in an inner city apartment with a 27 year old and they go out regularly; Her facebook page suggests she's 19 and has modeling type pics. she also claims on there to be a model; Police probing apparently uncovered that she's nailed 17 guys in the past 2 months since the St Kilda boys met her in Sydney, the majority of which are AFL players, c grade celebs or athletes etc; One of the St Kilda boys (who is def Sam Gilbert and Armitage) thought he was seeing her exclusively! i.e had no idea about the 16 others she'd put away during this time. You'd hope he didn't introduce her to the parents!; Dayne Beams previously counted her as his girlfriend i.e. prior to Round 1 and may still also have been casually 'seeing' her since; She won't submit to a DNA test and is obviously unsure as to who the lucky father is!; Girl on the left, just before she fell pregnant to those dirty rotten sainters (Armitage & Gilbert) |
Shane wrote:
Subject: Accident due to poor lighting
If we all just took health and safety a bit more seriously, lives could be saved...
How could this sort of thing till be happening in 2010? -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: video
head video ex girl. withhold info |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Night club toilet shag
Video Was blue tooth to me, shot at Newcastle night club years ago. Cheers, hide details |
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| DARE DORM |
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ORSM
VIDEO
MEN VS WOMEN
NICKNAMES
- If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
- If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
- When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
- When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
- A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
- A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
- A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
- The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
- A woman has the last word in any argument.
- Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
- A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
- A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
- A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
- A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
- A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
- A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
- Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
- Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
- Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
- A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
| ALL ABOUT OLGA |
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|
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Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"
Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too. But, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for about the last five years I've been a hooker." "I see," Ed replied thoughtfully. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
| YOU LIVE LIKE A PIG |
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Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.
The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it... your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."
Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."
The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.
Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way... ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me... I've quit drinking!"
| ITTY BITTY TITTIES |
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At the end of a tiny deserted bar in downtown Detroit sat a huge black man. He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.
After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the big black man. Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"
At this, the massive black man leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the shit out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat.
Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the black man, and said, "I've never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?" "I don't know," the black man replied. "Something about a job."
ORSM
VIDEO
I'm kind of sad this is the end. No really I am. Really. Why don't you believe me? Honestly if I had my way this website would be one continually rolling update but unfortunately it's physically impossible to spend anymore hours at the computer so sadly this army of one must bid you all farewell and catch you next time... after these messages that is...
- Check out the site archives. You absolutely will find what you didn't know you were looking for.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Or as I like to call it - Thursdaaaaaay.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will start lacing your food with massive quantities of hair replacement drugs until you grow so much hair and become so disturbingly hirsute that you are ostracised from your friends and family and eventually society. In a rage you'll scale a tall building stopping only to capture a stunning blonde woman you're inexplicably drawn to before being shot by fighter jets and falling to your death. You have to agree - Ray is very creative when it comes to spiting people.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and woof . Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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