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| orsmupdate 2011.07.28-19.21GMT+7 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. It's after six. What am I... a farmer?
Okay I'm kind of cheating with the intro to this week's update. Usually you guys get the blog and whilst I know many live their lives vicariously through it and thereby me, I'm off doing far more interesting things. So that leaves a void which needs to be filled and as much as the idea of spending a few hours of valuable time away conjuring something worth reading, I took the easy way out and decided to fill it with a whole bunch of short jokes instead. Let's face it - by taking this route I save you guys from hearing yet another person's waffle about topics including: the phone hacking scandal, massacre in Norway, train crash in China, death of Amy Winehouse, Cadel Evans TDF victory, America's debt crisis, the carbon tax and whatever I've been up to. Anyway... check it...
My mate asked me the other day what ringtone I have. I said that I've never really looked but would expect it to be a light brown.
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Like many people, I love this time of year... it's the only time you can watch porn with the volume on max and your parents think you're watching the tennis.
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I knocked on my neighbour's door this morning and said "Can I borrow your bathroom?" He said "Of course you can. Come in". Five minutes later I came out and said "Thanks mate". He said "No problem, what's wrong with your bathroom?" I said "Nothing, but my wife keeps moaning at me about shitting in the sink".
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Someone called me a rich cunt today. Mate I nearly dropped my can of petrol.
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A gay guy walks into the doctor's office. He takes off his clothes for examination. When he takes his clothes off the doctor sees a Nicoderm patch at the end of his penis. The doctor says... "Hmmm, that's interesting... does it work?" The man answers "Sure does... I haven't had a butt in three weeks!"
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A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams. Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news. "The good news," he explained, "is that your fiancée has a particular strain of gonorrhoea that I have only heard of once before". The guy paled. "If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?" "Well," the doctor elaborated, "the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog's vet".
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So I hear Thailand has its first female Prime Minister... or has it?
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A farmer gets a phone call from his son. "I've hit a pig and its stuck under the front wheel, still alive..." "Shoot it" says the farmer "and then bury it..." Twenty minutes later he gets another call. "Done that, now what do I do with his speed camera and motorbike?"
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A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said "You're beautiful". Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!" The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful' it was now 'cute'. She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?" The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off!"
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There were three morticians trading stories in a bar one night. The first one says "What a day I had today. The guy wasn't wearing his seat belt and his head flew into the windshield. Took me all day to make the face look natural". Not to be outdone, the second mortician says "You think that's bad? I had this guy in who got hit by a train while he was riding his bike. Took me TWO days to put all the pieces back together!" The third mortician just shook his head. "You guys have it easy," he said. "I had this female parachutist whose chute didn't open. She landed on a flagpole, it took me all week just to wipe the smile off her face!"
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Paddy and Mick find three grenades so they take them to a police station. Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy says "We'll lie and say we only found two."
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Mother in law says to her daughter in law "The baby doesn't look much like my son". "Sorry" says the daughter in law, "But this is a fanny between my legs, not a fucking photocopier".
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Sadie was in her backyard hanging up her washing when Sarah, her next door neighbour, poked her head over the fence and said "I don't like being the one to have to tell you this Sadie, but there's a rumour going around that your husband Max is chasing the shiksas". "So what?" said Sadie. "But at his age!" said Sarah, "He's over 70 isn't he?" "Nu, so he's seventy-two, so what?" replied Sadie, "Let him chase girls. Dogs chase cars, but when they catch one, can they drive it?"
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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off. I said "Son, that's three schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether".
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The doctor explains to the heart patient that he would be able to resume his sex life as soon as he could climb two flights of stairs without becoming winded. The patient listens attentively and then says "What if I look for women who live on the ground floor?"
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - Kit Kats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.
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The young secretary was describing her evening's exploits to a friend. "After dinner" she said "he wanted to come back to my apartment but I refused. I told him my mother would worry if I did anything like that". "That was smart" her friend said, approvingly, "Then what happened?" "He kept insisting, and I kept refusing," the secretary said. "You didn't weaken your resolve did you?" asked the friend. "Not one bit. In the end, we went to his apartment. I figured, let HIS mother worry..."
--
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit gay.
ORSM
VIDEO
ALCOHOROSCOPES
If you have finished relating your birth signs to ANIMALS, BIRDS, FRUITS, COLOURS, NUMBERS and what not, here is something FAR MORE relevant. Based on your Sunsigns, Alcohoroscopes explains your expected behaviour AFTER YOU GET DRUNK!
ARIES: Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don't know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to closing-time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you - so long as you haven't gone and done anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.
TAURUS: Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-China-shop inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that the Bull is by any means a teetotaller- god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, ER, gregarious (full of loud mouth soup, some would say) and is extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.
GEMINI: Gemini's can drink without changing their behaviour much - they're so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's just hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and allusion, then doing something to belie an extremely advanced state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Gemini's possess the magic ability to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) with several people at once. They like to order different cocktails every round - repetition is boring - and may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement.
CANCER: Cancer is a comfort drinker - and an extra wine with dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it, Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists - and, in true Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get 'tired and emotional' (read: weepy when lubricated). But there's nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favourite Cancer. Even your second-favourite Cancer will do. The sign also rules the flavour vanilla, and you'd be adored if you served up a vanilla vodka and soda.
LEO: Leo likes to drink and dance - they're often fabulous dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware they're darling -Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit, probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they get over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue - and perhaps not with the one what rung them. But Leo's not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and expects a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to you the next day.
VIRGO: Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less than other signs, sure - but it could also lead to drinking booze neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely get fully shellacked - but, oh, when they do! Virgo's controlled by the intellect, but there's an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose when walloped. It's dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friend used to declare, 'I'm going to drink myself into a low-level of intelligence tonight.' A toast to the sub genius IQ!
LIBRA: 'I'm jusht a social drinker,' slurs Libra, 'it's jusht that I'm so damn social?' Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favour of Good Libra (with Insta-Frienddevice set to 'on') or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble -including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with every man/woman in the room or even blacking out the night's events entirely. Oops!
SCORPIO: Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for they'll smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they're hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them seethe sauce as something to savour in itself, and not as a personality-altering tool - though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally, they're fascinating drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts. They also remember everything - especially what you did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.
SAGITTARIUS: In vino veritas - and, for Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness: When buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many of their own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?). They're the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else - like a nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun. Good-natured hijinks are sure to ensue (including a high possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call).
CAPRICORN: Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast, money-hungry and status-thirsty - no wonder they get left off the astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star: independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to please. And if they make money being themselves, who're you to quibble? But just like most rock stars, they're either totally on or totally off, and they generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up and enjoy the after party, especially if they can hook-up with a cute groupie.
AQUARIUS: Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well(except for water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism, and if they get an idea while sizzled, they're more stubborn than a stain or a stone. If they're throwing a party or organizing an outing, however, they're too preoccupied with their duties to get combative - and they make perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they're usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the best designated drivers (if you can get them before they start raising their wrist). Aquarius is fascinated by drunk people and capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober.
PISCES: If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard that you share a sign and an addictive personality -with Liz Taylor, Lisa Minnelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On the other hand, they're fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation or in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas and windup in bed together for days. The phrase 'addictive personality' can be read two ways, you know...
| LORENA SANCHEZ IS A MAJOR DISTRACTION |
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A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale". He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running".
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired".
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars".
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit".
RANDOM SHITE
Far be it for me to ever oversell anything but smashing out an update with an RS TWO-PARTER probably doesn't need an oversell anyway. Check it...
One day, Little Johnny's teacher, Miss Figpot asked the class "Children, if you know the answer, please raise your hand! Tell me things you can suck!" "Ice cream, ma'am!" Little Mary answered.
"Good, Jane". Miss Figpot said, "Anyone else?" "How about a lollipop!" said Steven. "Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!" the teacher said. Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered "A lamp!"
The teacher and all of the students wondered about Little Johnny's answer. Then the teacher asked him, "Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?" "Well, last night when I passed my parents' bedroom" Little Johnny answered, "I heard my mum say, turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it".
ORSM
VIDEO
An Irishman is walking along the beach one day, and he sees a bottle laying in the sand. He picks it up and starts to brush it off, and out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since you have freed me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes".
The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "I'm feeling a might thirsty, I think I'll be wishing for a pint of stout".
POOF! There is a pint of stout in his hand. He drinks it down, and starts to throw the bottle, when the genie says "I'd look at that bottle again before I threw it if I were you".
So he looks at the bottle, and it is magically filling back up with stout. The genie told him, "That is a magic bottle, and it will always fill back up after you finish it".
The genie then asked "What other two wishes can I grant for you?" The Irishman looks at the bottle in his hand and says, "I'll be taking two more of these".
| GIRLS GO PEE-PEE |
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An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor was amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked "How do you stay in such great physical condition?" "I am Scottish and I am a golfer" said the old fellow "and that is why I am in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky and that's it".
"Well," said the doctor "I am sure that helps but there has to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?" "Who said my dad died?" The doctor was amazed. "You mean you are 80 years old and your father is still alive. How old is he?"
"He is 100 years old" said the old Scottish golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a wee whisky and that is why he is still alive. He is a proud Scot and a golfer too".
"Well" the doctor said "that is great but I am sure there is more to it than that. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?" "Who said my grandad is dead?" Stunned, the doctor asked, "You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?"
"He is 118 years old," said the old Scottish golfer. The doctor was getting frustrated at this point: "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?" "No. Grandad couldn't go this morning because he is getting married today". At this point the doctor was close to losing it. "Getting married!? Why would a 118 year-old bloke want to get married?" "Who said he wanted to?"
| MEXICAN WEATHER GIRLS |
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ORSM VIDEO
Reader Mail is on a temporary hiatus. If you are wondering why then maybe you should have been paying closer attention. If that answer doesn't particularly help you then taking a look back through the last few weeks' archives might. Reader Mail will however be back in a couple of weeks and it would make life a hell of a lot easier if you guys took a moment to drop me a line with just about anything you can jam into an email and flood my inbox with. It's all very easy too - just click here.
To fill the chasm of emptiness you guys are undoubtedly feeling I've cobbled together a bunch of awesome video clips which should keep you amused/busy/entertained for a while. Check em...
A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day".
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on.
He checks out the Chinese hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the American hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in.
Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the American devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day".
"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?" "Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Government employee, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to sleep".
| RENE MILLER |
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A Scotsman moves to Chicago and attends his first baseball game. The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run!"
The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers "RUN! RUN!" The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans.
The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls "Walk!" The batter starts his slow trot to first base. The Scot stands up and screams "Run, ye lazy bastard, RRUNN!" The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down, a friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains "He can't run - he's got four balls". The Scot stands up and screams "Walk with pride, Laddie! Walk with pride!!!"
RANDOM SHITE
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This guy is really into blow up dolls and calls a mail order supplier and says he wants something absolutely realistic. The supplier says "I have just the thing, 'Lifelike Tina' So realistic you can't tell the difference!"
The guy orders one. Meanwhile the supplier is looking at the box and cannot believe how realistic 'Lifelike Tina' looks, so he decides to blow it up. Once inflated he gets really turned on and thinks, "What the hell!" and has sex with the doll.
Washing it afterwards, he neatly packages it and sends it out to the guy. A month later the guy calls up, "You know that 'Life-like Tina' blow up doll you sent me? I cannot tell you how happy I am". Supplier says "That's great!" Guy replies "Yeah, it's a totally believable experience". Supplier says "Realistic then?" Guy: "Yeah, so realistic I got syphilis!"
| ELIZABETH AND JUAN |
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Winston is walking along the cliff-top at Beachy Head when a white guy says to him "Excuse me, would you mind holding my hang glider for a minute while I get my flight suit on?" Winston says "yeah no problem man," and takes it from him.
Just as he takes hold a huge gust of wind lifts the glider and Winston into the air and over the edge of the cliff. Plummeting towards the rocks below, Winston hangs on to the glider and manages to get it flying. He has no idea how to control the thing though and quickly disappears from view.
Two hours later he was gliding over a farm in Cornwall. Two farmers were in the field below shooting pigeons and they hear Winstons cry for help. Looking up, one says to the other "What the fucks that?" His mate says "I don't know but let's shoot it!"
They both fire towards the hang glider and after a few seconds one of the farmers says "Did we hit it?" "I think so" says the other "it's dropped the nigger anyway".
ORSM
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In case you were wondering and even if you weren't...
- Check out the site archives. They're where you'll find the droids you are looking for.
- Next update will be next Thursday... or Wednesday or Friday or whenever it pleases me to put it up. Control through power - that's what I'm all about.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will reduce you to scrap.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and something something something. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2011.07.21-20.06 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. I really want you to leave, but I don't know how to say it without sounding like a dick...
I forget what bored feels like, to have nothing to do and nothing that needs doing. I also forget what sitting on the couch and zoning the fuck out is like. Has been far too long since this simple pleasure was embraced and don't see it happening anytime soon. There's also the issue of general chores which have fallen by the wayside. The house is a pigsty/disgrace and outside, long neglected of any attention other than saying "I really need to do some stuff around here", looks like the aftermath of a gigantic storm that magically planted hundreds of weeds. Also wouldn't mind finding a couple of hours to wash the car. Shitty weather notwithstanding, once in the last two months is a pathetic effort - my poor baby is harder to look at than a yeast infection run wild.
Speaking of which - saw something on the news about a flu outbreak sweeping the nation so staying faithful to my obsessive compulsive tendencies I'm now worried about contracting some sort of virus or bug or other hindrance before exodus next Wednesday. Every cough, sneeze, slip on a wet floor, is a cause for concern. Seem to remember blogging something similar ahead of road trip last year. There were a few close calls with ass-tard drivers but did manage to get away unimpeded. The thing running in my favour at least is a confinement to the house and in particular, computer, although this is one of those times I envy those of you with real jobs. When you want holidays, you put in for leave and go... there's someone else to take up the slack but holy fucking shit this has been a nightmare. The biggest concern is internet access and whether or not it'll be restricted so the hours spent working this week have been nothing short of obscene. If I didn't need a holiday, I definitely do now.
Anyway I should probably put the call out for travel advice. With never having been to Jakarta before and Singapore not for over two decades, I have absolutely no idea what to see or where to go so any ideas or suggestions are welcome. Beyond that the plan is to just walk around, explore and try not to get blown up by terrorists. Email me here.
Okay so moving on to more stuff about me. This is after all my blog and it pleases my ego to spend time talking about how I spend my time...
Friday was cold and stormy so the groundwork to steer clear of people and distractions was laid. After getting some food shopping done it was home late morning to work... something which lasted well into the evening. And that was Friday. Wooo...
First port of call Saturday was the travel agent. I'd spent way too much time searching online for flights and accommodation but ultimately, inexperienced traveller and all, didn't trust myself not to fuck something glaringly obvious up. This is one of those times its good to know someone because the whole process was then made substantially easier plus it worked out cheaper than what I had found on the net. Thought it was meant to be the other way around...?
Next was a trip into the city to drop the girls off at a food and wine festival I so desperately wanted to go to, past a friends place for a quick hello and home once again to park it at the PC and continue on. That lasted until around 6 when the 'can you come pick us up now please' call was received which then segued into a dinner thing. Can't remember if I had one or two glasses of vino with my meal but sure enough we got stopped at a booze bus on the way out and breath tested. Surprisingly I registered a 'negative reading' which, in my mind, is carte blanche to drink way more when it's my turn to drive in future.
Sunday wasn't really too different. Managed to remain tethered to the homestead by giving up my car to the GF which ensured peak productivity was achieved. Funny thing about cramming four weeks of updates into two weeks... if I pull it off successfully there isn't any reason I can't operate like that all the time and essentially only work half the year...
Alright enough with the whatever about the whatever. Let's join hands, get on with today's update and forget about the world for a while. Alternatively you can skip quickly through it and send me abusive email because you disagree with something posted on a website that is provided completely for free. Check it...
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Just had a bloke at the door asking if I wanted to buy raffle tickets for black orphans. I told him "No. With my luck I'd probably win one!"
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So this man goes home to his blonde wife and one thing leads to another and they find themselves in the heat of passion and he gets into position and then he says to his blonde wife "This is the way your sister likes it too". And she goes crazy, well it's great for little bit and then she proceeds to kick the crap out of him and scream all kinds of nasty things at him and then just sits there crying. He sits there bleeding and hurting in many places and says to her "I don't know what you are so upset about - you don't even have a sister!"
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Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre".
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Alex was a sports fan whose face was always either buried in the sports pages or transfixed by the television screen. One night as he lay in bed next to his wife watching a football game, she got up, walked across the room and unplugged the TV. "Hey!" Alex shouted "What do you think you are doing?" "I'm sick of sports! I'm sick of TV!" she replied. "You haven't touched me in months. We're going to talk about sex right now!" "Okay okay. So..." he asked after a moment "how often do you think Buddy Franklin gets laid?"
ORSM
VIDEO
INTERESTING FACTS FOR THOSE WHO THINK THEY KNOW EVERYTHING...
-If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on the right side of your mouth. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on the left side of your mouth.
-To make half a kilo of honey, bees must collect nectar from over two million individual flowers.
-Heroin is the brand name of morphine once marketed by Bayer.
-Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is considered an insult!
-People in nudist colonies play volleyball more than any other sport.
-Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel in 1952, but he declined.
-Astronauts can't belch - there is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in their stomachs.
-Ancient Roman, Chinese and German societies often used urine as mouthwash.
-The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. In the Renaissance era, it was fashion to shave them off!
-Because of the speed at which Earth moves around the Sun, it is impossible for a solar eclipse to last more than 7 minutes and 58 seconds.
-The night of January 20 is "Saint Agnes's Eve", which is regarded as a time when a young woman dreams of her future husband.
-Google is the common name for a number with a million zeros.
-It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!
-Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years.
-Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.
-If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.
-Each year 2,000,000 smokers either quit smoking or die of tobacco-related diseases.
-Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals
-Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.
-The song, Auld Lang Synge, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the New Year.
-Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.
-Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450°F.
-The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.
-Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.
-The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.
-Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.
-The University of Alaska spans four time zones.
-The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.
-In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.
-Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.
-Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
-A comet's tail always points away from the sun.
-The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.
-Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.
-The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.
-If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.
-When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.
-In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.
-Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.
-Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.
-The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.
-The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.
-Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.
-Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy...
-Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.
-Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.
-For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off.
-The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.
| VERONIQUE VEGA MAKES ME EXCITED |
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|
A man went to his doctor full of anger. "Doc" he said "I feel like killing my wife. You've got to help me. You've got to tell me what to do".
The doctor decided on how to best handle the case. "Look" he said "here are some pills. You take these twice a day and they'll enable you to fuck your wife six times a day. If you do this for thirty days, you'll fuck her to death".
"Wonderful, doc," said the grateful patient. "I think I'll take her to Miami Beach so there won't be anything to interfere with us and no one will be suspicious. He left with a bottle of pills in his hand and a smile on his face.
Nearly a month passed. The doctor flew to Miami Beach for a medical convention. There, on Lincoln Road, he saw his patient coming along in a wheelchair, just managing to move forward. And his wife, looking good, getting into her car.
"What happened?" the doctor asked. "What happened?" "Don't worry, doc," the patient reassured him, "she don't know yet but two more days and she'll be dead".
ORSM
VIDEO
Two men dressed in Airline Pilots uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming...
The plane starts moving faster and faster down the tarmac and the people sitting in the window seats realise they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the runway. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says "You know Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die".
| DRUNK GIRLS |
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|
The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys. The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he's sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished. The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him a $5.00 bill. The boy looks at the money and says to the priest "Thanks very much Father... you're a virgin". The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark.
The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it's a really hot day and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing. The priest looks at the job and this time gives the lad another $5.00 bill. Once again the lad looks at the money and says "Thanks very much Father, you really are a virgin".
At this stage the priest decides to take action. "Tommy" he says "that's twice you've called me a virgin. Do you have any idea what the word means?" "Yes," says the kid, "a tight cunt!"
| SHIPPING ACCIDENTS |
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READER MAIL
I'll just forewarn you guys now that being out of the country and therefore away from computer will see Reader Mail absent for the next few weeks. Depending how I go for time, it may be here as normal next update although with a ridiculous amount of stuff to get done between now and departure it's looking unlikely. That of course is no excuse for you guys to stop the unrelenting bombardment - I can still check mail via my mobile and there are few things I like more than finding a healthy slathering of pics of a horrible ex or delicious girlfriend, warped shit, crazy shit, funny shit, stinky shit, shit jokes, shit videos, shit, shitty shit, random shite or any other type of shit that can be transmitted by email. To do this is simple - just click here. Check it...
pacificwave wrote:
Subject: Water Boarding
If you've never seen a water boarding demo check this out. This is unreal! Watch it and understand why we have the best military in the world. There is no permanent damage done but the response is immediate. A much more humane and effective way to obtain critical intelligence quickly without brutalizing the prisoner. Sure beats electrocution, ripping off finger nails, acid showers, whippings/beatings, cutting off limbs, removing eyes & tongues, drilling out teeth, dislocating shoulders, burning, and other barbaric methods. Playboy.Com journalist Mike Guy underwent water boarding by a trained member of the U.S. military in the site's new Lab Rat feature. Mike Guy bet that he could endure 15 seconds of the interrogation technique used on al Qaeda chief Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and Abu Zubaydah. Watch the results.
Love how he talked it up before starting. -Orsm |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: answers about the ex-grilfriend pics
"Was she chubby and lost weight or did it go the other way AND is that why you're no longer with her...? -Orsm"
She was a hot little piece, then she fell in love with Mcdonalds. When she did, boy did she balloon. Only thing I miss was her freaky abilities. She loved threesomes (both ways), anal, she swallowed. She wanted to be in a gangbang as well. Oh well, right? |
Adam wrote:
Subject: an eBay listing worthy of your site
Read down to the part about "Her or the Car". Priceless.
PDF copy here in case the auction is removed. -Orsm |
Ian wrote:
Subject: Mate pissed himeself at the pub.
went to the pub a few weeks ago for a mate's birthday and one mate obviously had a few too many, love your work mate.
"What!? I just spilt my drink!" -Orsm |
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JH wrote:
Subject: I hope this is a joke...
Would you still hit it if she was cute? haha
So pretty much the exact opposite of this chick...?-Orsm |
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Norman wrote:
Subject: Emailing
The lunatics have finally taken over the asylum
Meanwhile, most other people were busy not wasting their lives with retarded crap. -Orsm |
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Grant wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Never takes long for the artists to get going
Not a flattering photo of the guy from Simply Red... -Orsm |
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xitz wrote:
Subject: Who's the boss now? -open with discretion
SHE'S HAVING DONE TO HER WHAT SHE DID TO HIM. AND WHAT THEY BOTH DID TO AUSTRALIA..
Not as if they didn't both deserve it though. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: smoking mom
orsm dude check this example of a soon to be amazing mother
Still no cure for stupidity and selfishness apparently. -Orsm |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Good one!
In Canada we have our priorities. I think this says it all. |
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Uwe wrote:
Subject: nice ass.
hey mr. orsm, a nice view from germany - something for your side ? greets uwe |
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David wrote:
Subject: Random or what...
Indian Military Picture... Mine detection. Cool shoes.
Now they know how chickens feel. -Orsm |
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Shawno wrote:
Subject: something for your site
Hi love your site been a fan for years. Found this at my local shop hope you can use it.
Always enjoy a bit of creative vandalism. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Funny Number plate
Just a quirky number plate I saw on the Highway. Hide details please. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: G'Day Cairo Uni Pics (not what you think : (
Dear Mr. ORSM, I've enclosed some pictures of Cairo Uni's graduating classes. This is one of the best examples of creeping Sharia. See what happens as time goes on. Get it? The last picture is of Friday prayers in a public school cafeteria in Toronto Canada in 2011. Note the boys are way up front then the girls behind them and lastly menstruating girls must sit in the back and not participate. The West has become so PC and multiculturaly insane that this is what we are all going to get if we don't stick our heads up, look around and educate ourselves. We can't rely on the mainstream media or our politicians to give us the truth. It's out there if you look for it. Profit (misspelled on purpose) Mohammed, I got your dhimmitude and jizia tax hangin' right here..... Please keep my details private. Cheers and keep on being infidel, Proudly Kuffar |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: GF Pics
ORSM. Been a long time follower and thought it was time I gave something back so I've attached a couple of photos of the GF. Please keep details confidential & keep up the good work! Cheers
Bless you good sir. Excellent breasts and muff happening there. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: crashed sub
Dude longtime fan. these are the uss san fransisco. pics from a while back but i havent seen em on orsm so use or dont. Cheers bro. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Love the site, makes me piss myself on many occasions (literaly sometimes). Anyway, got some stupid bitch to send me these pics online as part of a bet with my work mates, she only knew me for about a day before she wanted to meet up for sex! Didn't even realise the pics i was sending back were not of the same person! Anyway, can you withold my details? Thanks
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James wrote:
Subject: 2011 TDF
2011 TDF Johnny Hoogerland Ouch
Footage of what actually happened can be seen here. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: A great "Institution"
Hi and thanks for a very entertaining site. My wife and I look forward to it every week and have done for years. We've been married for 36 years and with her approval we attach some photos taken of her in the last few years, some of which you may consider for inclusion on your site. Though she is a very sexy extrovert the possibility of "going public " for the first time fills us both with anticipation and delight. We are proof you can have a great sex life into later years. We have two children and my wife is 56.Marriage... what a great "institution"! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
girl friend in the shower.
What is it about wet naked girls that is so hot...? -Orsm |
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ThirstySwagman wrote:
Subject: Beer Maids
Enjoy. We'll be taking plenty more like that in about 2 months. :-) Gets a bit difficult to hold the camera straight though after 5 or 6 Steins... but that's work I guess. More at ThirstySwagman.
This is the motherload for cleavage lovers. Some of them are unbelievable. -Orsm |
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justin wrote:
Subject: Astronaut Wheelock Pics.
You may have seen these already but worth another look.
Amazing images. Requires MS PowerPoint or you can get the free viewer here. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Lightning storm from an airplane..
Greetings again from the Beautiful California. A friend just posted this up on YouTube. Check it ! Stash the details, The wife wouldn't understand. |
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Pierre wrote:
Subject: Lightning caught on film. Really close.
Hi y'all, here's a link to an online video of a storm that passed by here on july 12th. At around 1m48, a lightning bolt strikes down and you see a spark come over the person's balcony, at 1 or 2 feet. It may be only a camera aberration, I can't tell. The picture is still really cool. Here's another one showing a car being lifted up from water overflowing a storm drain. 30 mm of rain fell on Montreal (Québec) in 45 minutes on july 18th. The accumulated water volume was too much for the drain pipes under the street. The worst part? The car's owner had gotten a parking ticket an hour earlier. That white speck in the windshield is the ticket. When it rains, it pours. Imagine if there wasn't a car, how high would the water have gone? Love the site, you've kept my right wrist in shape for many years now. Have a great winter. Cheers. |
Andy wrote:
Subject: Guard dog nearly breaks up liquor store robbery
I hope for these guys sake that they don't get caught. They will never live this one down in jail. |
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Brett wrote:
Subject: Cool magic trick
Hello Mr Orsm, I thought you might like my cool magic trick I did. Youtube link [here].
Easy. You used a teleporter...? -Orsm |
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Alan wrote:
Subject: lambo
I was driving down the road and caught this lambo on fire and no one around. This guy came up and hosed it down. It was at a corporate office of a tire company in Scottsdale.
I'd find that a lot less amusing if it were my car... -Orsm |
ORSM VIDEO
The convent had been presented with a new car, a red Mini Metro, the pride of its breed. Sister Lucy, the only qualified driver, became the chauffer. Every Saturday she would drive the Reverend Mother into town for the shopping.
All went well until a holiday weekend when the town was so packed with people and cars that it became evident that there was no earthly place to park. "Don't worry, Reverend Mother," said Sister Lucy. "You go into the supermarket and I'll drive around the block until you come out".
Off sped the car and the Reverend Mother bustled around the store shopping quickly, then rushing back to the curb side. There she stood for five minutes, ten, twenty. No sign of Sister Lucy. Where could she be? Eventually the Reverend Mother approached a patrolling policeman. "Excuse me, Officer," she said. "Have you seen a nun in a red mini?" "No," replied the officer "but these days nothing would surprise me!"
| THE GIRL OR THE CAR? |
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Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that". The other student says "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class".
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think".
The first student said "I think it's Peltry Syndrome". The old man said "You thought... but you are wrong". The other student said "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome". The old man said "You thought... but you are wrong".
So they asked him "Well, old timer, what do you have?" The old man said "I thought it was GAS... but I was wrong!"
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A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cab driver if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cab driver agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cab driver tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money!"
"HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your Packer season tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cab driver and says "What would you do?" The cab driver replies "I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold!"
| AUBREY ADAMS IS A LITTLE HOTTIE |
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FACTS ABOUT OLD MEN AND WOMEN
Q: Where can guys over 65 find youthful, pretty women who are interested in dating them?
A: Look in the library [under Romantic Fiction].
Q: How can a guy cope during his wife's menopause?
A: By staying busy. If you're mechanically inclined, you can remodel the garage. When you are finished you will have a flat in which to live.
Q: How can a woman raise the heart rate of her 65+ year old spouse?
A: She should tell him she's with child.
Q: What can an older woman do for the wrinkles on her neck?
A: Don't wear a brassiere. The additional hanging 'weights' will take out the wrinkles.
Q: How can older people remember where they parked their cars?
A: Use the Valet service. They have to remember where your car is.
Q: Do older people have problems storing their short term memories?
A: No, they have problems retrieving the memories from storage.
Q: Do older people have deeper sleep?
A: They do, but normally their deep sleep happens in the afternoon.
Q: Where can older people find prescription eye glasses?
A: On top of their heads.
Q: What is the most often used sentence uttered by older people when they visit antique shops?
A: "Gee, I have one of these".
ORSM
VIDEO
That's a wrap people... except for this stuff:
- Check out the site archives because it's the right thing to do.
- Next update will be next Thursday from another country entirely.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray crush you with his mind vice.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and always wipe once more... you know... just in case you missed some. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
|
| orsmupdate 2011.07.14-18.35 |
|
Welcome to Orsm.net. Hi Celeste.
Time is not my friend at the moment. With dates finally [read: pretty much] locked for an overseas departure at the end of the month, the pressure is on big time. That leaves me less than two weeks to get flights booked, somehow complete four updates, coordinate two or three separate people to dog sit, tackle the mountainous pile of papers covering my desk, buy climate appropriate clothing and god knows what else - no doubt there are a million other things that I haven't thought of yet too. The whole inexperienced traveller thing is about to come in to play. Just thinking about it is exhausting... which is kind of a shame because I am already exhausted.
Funnily enough, as much as I'm looking forward to heading into the great unknown, it puts to bed any chance of making my annual road trip. Me, my car and the open road is something I've been hanging out for since the last one. Admittedly the lures of a foreign country, experience to a different culture, the shopping and chance to spend some QT with friends will probably make up for it. I suppose there's even the possibility of enjoying travel to other countries more than traipsing around the local countryside which could be some sort of a game changer.
Okay let's slide gracefully into a few paragraphs about the recent activities of my life, lessons learnt and maybe even a little bit of narcissism...
Fuck knows what woke me at an ungodly 5am Friday morning but going back to sleep was an option apparently not available to me. That shit is gay. Rather than waste it though, I took the pooch for a pre-dawn stroll. Don't think I've ever done that and with good reason - it's creepy as fuck... even with German Shepherd protection there's strong fear of being attacked or raped. Next on the agenda was yet another doctor's appointment. This time to get blood test results and news that in the last 18 months I've managed to pull everything they test for back into line. Cholesterol, kidney, liver etc are all perfect. Good to know that I can now let myself go again...
Met a friend afterward for the first of many coffee dates that weekend. What was supposed to be a quick catch-up which turned into three hours of various retail-related activities. I struggle with this - being a guy I should by default dislike anything that pertains to shopping yet time and time again I find myself wandering around with a bunch of stuff to do. The rest of Friday was work related stuff before a nice little dinner with the SO.
The plan for Saturday was to work. No distractions, no interruptions, just work. That lasted until the exact moment I sat down at the computer. The phone rang almost immediately and an invite to meet friends for coffee was received which I agreed to as long as it was a 'quick one'. Sure enough that plus a rendezvous with others kept me out of the house for a decent chunk of the day but did actually manage to drop a bomb and get a shit load done when I finally got home. Was supposed to be a large, drunken one on the town that night but ended up stopping short of the drunk part due to illness affecting one of our group. Realising this would save me from a world of hangover hurt, no complaints were made.
Cold as fucking fuck Sunday was cold as fucking fuck and started with another coffee date. From there, almost unbelievably, off to a friend's place for a hello and coffee, then legged it eastward for a birthday lunch at a brewery or winery or restaurant or whatever it was. Didn't get home until early in the evening and was supposed to grab my shit and head out the door again... but not before sitting under the heater 'for a minute'. An hour later I awaken cosy on the couch wondering WTF happened. And that brought to an end a rather unremarkable yet wholly satisfying weekend.
Okay now we do update. If you actually managed to read through the above I apologise for lack of flair and interesting subject matter but as was mentioned, I'm more or less wrecked. That said, I'm quietly confident the rest of this todays update is all quality so grab some tissues, take out your penis and enjoy. Check it...
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Jimmy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar. "I had sex with another woman last night," he tells her. "But I was thinking of you the whole time". "You miss me that much?" she asks. "No, he says. "But it kept me from coming too fast".
--
I would just like to share an experience with you and it has to do with drinking and driving. As you know I have had brushes with the authorities on the way home from the odd event over the years. Well I have done something about it... last night I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had way too much beer and wine, knowing full well I was drunk, I did something I've never done before. I took a bus home. I arrived home safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had never driven a bus before!
--
One day Jill asked her husband, Teddy what will he do if she were to die. Teddy replied "I'll also die". Jill asked him, "Why?" Teddy replied "Well, you know I have a heart condition and most likely I would not be able to tolerate that much happiness".
--
A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up? You look so happy". The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me". The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honour notices this and says "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up? You look so happy". The bride replies, "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life".
ORSM
VIDEO
THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK
EXAMPLE ONE
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
EXAMPLE TWO
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls"
EXAMPLE THREE
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts". My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
EXAMPLE FOUR
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening "If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
EXAMPLE FIVE
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then I realised that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me". Then I said "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No" he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
EXAMPLE SIX
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for two days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
| AMBER AUDREY AND GIANNA DO SOME GLAM LEZ |
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A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do" said the doctor "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking ask her a question and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response".
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens". Then in a normal tone he asks "Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" "Ralph... for the FIFTH FUCKING TIME... CHICKEN!"
ORSM
VIDEO
One night two drunks were wandering the town trying to get drinks, but between the two of them, they only had a dollar and change. So the first drunk says "Hey, I've got an idea - we put our money together and buy a hot dog".
The second drunk, looking at him puzzled says "What the hell? I don't want a hot dog. I want a goddamn drink!"
The first says "I know. We buy the hot dog, stick it down the front of my pants, go into a bar and order our drinks. When the bartender tells us the price, you drop to your knees and suck the hot dog like you're sucking my dick - and the bartender will throw us out and we won't have to pay for anything!" The second drunk says, "Well, it sounds like a good enough idea to me".
So they buy the hot dog and the first drunk sticks it down his pants. They go into a bar, order two whiskeys, and when the bartender tells them the price, the second drunk drops to his knees and sucks on the hot dog. The bartender throws them out and tells them not to come back.
The drunks go on to hit 19 bars. Finally, the second drunk says "We've got to switch places 'cause my knees hurt from dropping to the floor". The first drunk says "You think that's bad? I lost the hot dog in the third bar!"
| EVERYONE LOVES GIRLS WITH REALLY BIG BOOBS |
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An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?" "Oh," replies the husband "she's my mistress". "Well, that's the last straw" says the wife "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that" replies her husband "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large bank accounts. But... the decision is all yours".
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress" says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.
| IT'S A STRETCH THING |
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A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.
"My love," he wrote, "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?"
So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying "Why don't you learn to play this?"
Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!" She kissed him and said, "First let's see you play that harmonica".
| SOPHIE STRAUSS HAS A KILLER EVERYTHING |
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READER MAIL
Rather large email week I must say. Took me just about forever to whittle it down to the rather large bunch you'll find below which I suppose suits you guys more than it does me. My point? If you take pleasure in making others suffer, please keep up the reckless bombardment of my inbox. On the want list is anything from pics of a horrible ex or delicious girlfriend, warped shit, crazy shit, funny shit, stinky shit, shit jokes, shit videos, shit, shitty shit, random shite or any other type of shit that can be transmitted by email. To do this is simple - just click here. Check it...
Fritz wrote:
Subject: Government Bullshit
Hi Mister ORSM. Check out the pics. What a sight for sore eyes. Love the site.
Warms the heart. -Orsm |
Kel wrote:
Subject: brutus
This photo was taken on a tourist boat on the Adelaide river in the Northern Territory of Australia. They have trained local cros to come to the boat to be fed (dangerous, but tourists love it). Brutus comes to feed up to three times a month and "owns"/Patrols about 25 kms of the Adelaide River. He is head of the food chain. Note he has lost the right hand front limb, either from a shark or fighting another Croc. Brutus is 5.5 meters long (18 feet for Americans) and weighs about 1 1/2 tonnes. He is probably 70-90 years of age. We encourage tourist people of Islamic heritage to feel free to lean over and pat him as we are sure Allah will protect them. |
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Austin wrote:
Subject: Obama's 2012 Election Poster
Some of us know what he is. Send it on. Great visual for what's being done to America! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Pigs and sluts. With old plueeeeezzzzeeee
How not to get arrested: tits. -Orsm |
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Einstein
Even Einstein warned South
Africa about 'power' problems coming our way.........! |
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Kel wrote:
Subject: Camping in the Kalahari
Think he knew anything before the flash went off???
Note the nervous smile... |
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Eduard wrote:
Subject: Pear on iCarly
Hail to you, my orsmness, found this on the iCarly-show. Sweet ;) Have a nice day, regards from Switzerland |
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Chuck wrote:
Subject: One smart Dog
I started to date this broad, then checked the site we met on and she was getting mail from lots of guys. I had taken her to the beach for a little BBQ. I took this picture and didn't look at it until now. Seems my dog Sam already had made up his mind as to what I should do with her! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Stuff for your site....
Saw this interesting juxtaposition of an advertisement relative to 2 news headlines on Drudge Report. Thought you and your readers might enjoy it. If used, hold my info please. |
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Bill wrote:
Subject: Fireworks
Fireworks Done Right! That guy's running like he's on fire or something....
Is that Alan from the Hangover walking behind him...? -Orsm |
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Steven wrote:
Subject: want some hand gel ?
A friend is sourcing hand gel for her company, this stuff looks perfect, just cant decide on which fragrance. Any ideas?
It's only 'potentially deadly' so pretty sure it should be okay... -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Meanwhile, in West Perth..
This happened yesterday (Wednesday 12th).
The guy is aiming to walk across Australia [Perth to Sydney] for charity. Story here or follow him on Twitter here. -Orsm |
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Jeremy wrote:
Subject: Breast wishes.
Orsm! Two photos of a beautiful Woman i catch up with every now and then. She is amazing in bed. Let me say, she loves having her breasts sucked and I am only to willing to accommodate her requests! I'll try and grab some more pics!
Perfect rack! On behalf of all men I demand more. -Orsm |
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Will wrote:
Subject: Cartoons resurrected
Please check the dates on these - 1900s - who would have thought!?!?! A SERIES of world-famous saucy seaside postcards images is being re-launched today to mark their 100th anniversary. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: wife pics
Hi. Long time reader, big fan, you know the rest. Here are pics of the wife (30). Enjoy. no email adress plz & thanks. Cheers |
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Tony Polony wrote:
Subject: Magnificent Motorcycles
If you love bikes you will love these..
The Schneekrad looks like it would be good to pick up chicks with. -Orsm |
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Jason wrote:
Subject: Re: Happy Independence Day - USA
more pool party pics..........smokin body!
First bunch of pics [posted last week] can be found by clicking here. -Orsm |
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xitz wrote:
Subject: And there you have it!
Study these 3 photos closely, then read the message at the bottom. It will explain lots and lots of things.......... THIS IS INDIA... IT'S WHERE YOUR CALL GOES ...WHEN YOU HAVE A TECHNICAL PROBLEM WITH YOUR COMPUTER. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ex-girlfriend pics
Here is my ex. As you can see, she looks great. But she's a bit on the crazy side. Please withhold info. Thanks
Was she chubby and lost weight or did it go the other way AND is that why you're no longer with her...? -Orsm |
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Andries wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Corsa Bakkie VS Armour Plated Money Van --watch the videoclip--
Actually looked like a fun ride. -Orsm |
Kel wrote:
Subject: China prepares for the parade
Dear Mr Orsm. Believe there is a vacancy for you in the front line of the Naval Section of the Parade. You will have to provide your own airfares to attend. Cheers
We'll all be speaking Chinese one day. -Orsm |
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Neb E wrote:
Subject: A video
You rule Mr Orsm hope you can use this video the sissy perv made :) I sent him a link to your first posting and CC'd it to a few friends as well ;))
Horrific. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Entrapment
Hey Orsm. Here's a audio file for ya might be good for the site. Please hide details. Keep up the good work |
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Brett wrote:
Subject: Basketball Game Goes Horribly wrong
Hello Again your Orsmness, Here is my latest video if you are interested. Youtube link [here].
Reminded me of NBA Jam. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: LOLPorn
FYI, a "Midden" was a name given to a rubbish heap in days gone by but has now come to be broadly accepted in vernacular as being a derogatory term for a person of ill-repute. But that aside, this is the funniest porn ever and the one and only time wigger boy has laid the bone! |
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ORSM VIDEO
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there".
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike... Mike". "Who is it?" asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Mike... it's me, Joe". "You're not Joe. Joe just died". "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice".
"Joe! Where are you?" "In heaven" replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news". "Tell me the good news first!" says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired".
That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news? "You're in the team for this Saturday".
| EPIC HOTNESS: CARLI BANKS |
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Tyrone applied for a fork lift operator job at a famous firm based in Detroit, a white man applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to Tyrone and said "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the white guy the job". Tyrone said "What 'cho mean, why you be doing that, you be racist? We both got 19 questions right? This is Detroit and I be black, I should get the job".
Manager says "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong". Tyrone said, "Tell me how would one wrong answer be better than another?" Manager said "Simple, on question number 7 the white guy wrote down, 'I don't know'. You put down, 'Neither do I'".
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An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said "Father... during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic".
The priest replied "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that".
"There is more to tell, Father... she started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays". The priest said "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven".
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question". "And what is that?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?"
| ALEXIS LOVE IS ONE SEXY BITCH |
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A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.
Afterward, he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. "How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"
"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over and complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for a while". Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?" The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for 15 years and I wasn't about to start now!"
ORSM
VIDEO
And just like that we are done. Complete. Finished. Over. Kaput. For the answer to all your questions please consume the following...
- Check out the site archives. They have a certain je ne sais quoi...
- Next update will be next Thursday. But only if you're good.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will breakdance on your face.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and remember to wipe back to front, front to back. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2011.07.07-21.08 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Koumpounophobia.
Busy is the theme of things lately. Actually, busy has been the theme of things for a while but once again shit has moved to the next level and the delicate balance of social life, exercise and work is all over the place like a mad woman's shit. I basically need an extra 6-8 hours in each day or 2-3 more days in a week. Not a big ask and either would suit me just fine so if someone could pass it on to the sun or earth's rotation or whatever controls this stuff it would be appreciated. There's absolutely no chance of it settling down anytime soon either - for my Jakarta trip to happen I have to start preparing now which means getting at least a couple of updates done and dusted. Why? Because few things are more annoying than coming home to 500+ "where's the fucking update you fat fuck?" emails.
Moving on... let's cover politics shall we...? With our shitty government seemingly hell bent on destroying the country before they are once and for all voted out in a couple of years' time, it's definitely a hot topic. Despite promises to the contrary, we are undoubtedly going to see a carbon tax which will undoubtedly push the cost of living higher and undoubtedly screw people harder than we're already being screwed. So that's all well and good and everyone is running around saying "hope those of you who voted for them are happy" but the Greens Party aren't getting anywhere near enough credit for being the monsters behind it all. How the fuck those crazy asses have ended up in such a strong position defies me and when you combine their agenda with those apparently running the place and the likely destructive outcomes, all we can do is pray for a civil uprising to save us.
Okay let's do the wrap of my life and it's not so incredible events... something I know you guys find excessively interesting. Friday was ridiculously social and after walking the pooch it was off to do coffee and consume something sugary resembling breakfast. Amidst departure the phone rang with instructions to stay put as more friends were on the way. So that took care of my morning. The rest of the day was actually spent working ahead of dinner with my nearest and dearest. Four couples in total, three with newborns meant dining options were limited so we went back to the same restaurant I managed to get really, REALLY drunk at a few months ago... the same place I didn't want to go back to because of said drunkenness... the same place I thought it would be hilarious to keep pressing buttons on the register whilst they tried to find our bill. Anyway, it all went well, I'm sure a couple of the staff remembered me but said nothing and an awesome [sober] time was had.
Early start Saturday to move couches. Not mine nor for me although I was somehow involved/recruited without any chance to object. The mission was to pick up the new couches I'd dragged along to help find in recent months, deliver them and then move the old ones to my house for storage. Should have been easy but with heavy rain hampering proceedings it took a bit longer than expected. Next up was another coffee date with friends followed by a trip into the city to find shoes. The runners I bought a year ago have already worn out and slipping over regularly was losing its appeal. Decided to spend some time on the new couches afterwards and an spontaneous nap took place quickly after the recline function was located. Luckily woke up in time to get home, showered then back out the door for an engagement party which, despite it being retardedly cold and unsuitable for an outdoor shindig, was a lot of fun.
Lack of rain brought with it a chilly morning and after walking the dog it was time to find food. Like oh-so-many Sundays before it we went with the dim sum option. Next was back home to clean some junk out of the shed for a rubbish collection and another crack at house hunting with a mate, this almost 'the one'. Again, it's just not as much fun when you're not the one buying. That preceded another café excursion, more coffee and a wind up of the past few weeks' events ahead of him flying out that night. All that remained for the weekend was Transformers 3. Not sure why we chose it... having watched the first couple on DVD, it allowed for pausing/breaks but at 2.5 hours you get a bit bored of Autobots battling Decepticons. The robots like fighting and breaking shit we get it.
Alright that'll do with the babble. Before we get rolling with a brand spankin' new update there are some changes that you guys will hopefully like. There've been some problems recently with videos not playing. From now, on all videos will be encoded in mp4 format and run on a different, more universal player. This also means those of you with iPhone's, iPad's and various other mobile devices should be able to view them too. Note that we are still tweaking and videos may take a bit longer than normal to start playing. Also, for the time being, all ten thousand or so previously posted videos will remain unchanged but plans are underway to convert them. Okay let's do this. Check it...
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Strangely Addicitve - Future Of 3D - Rubbins Racin' - Boob Heaven - Miley's Nip - Asked For It - Latina Hotness
Hawt Redhead - Diaper Gangsta - Gigantic Tits - One-Eyed Keith - Shat Herself - Quit Pissing! - Living Corpse
Bikini Stack - Shot Myself! - Rosie Jones - Lucky Girl - Dumbass - CNC Guitar - Mega WTF - Nooooo - Sniped
I was the first in line at the pharmacy and I asked for 50 condoms. Two girls behind me started giggling, so I took a grim look at them and said "In fact, I'll take 52".
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An aboriginal goes for a job at sea. The captain says "Have you had any experience away at sea?" "No" says the aboriginal says "But I'm honest!" The captain takes him on and off they sail. After three weeks at sea the aboriginal guy is busy mopping the decks, when a big wave crashes over the bows and sweeps him overboard. The 1st mate goes running to the captain, "You know the aboriginal guy we took on... the one who said he was honest...? Well he has just fucked off with your mop!"
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A man needing some legal help walks into a law firm... he asks an attorney "If I give you $300 per hour to help answer two legal questions I have - will you help me?" The attorney aswers, "Sure, what's the other question?"
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The businesswoman, in town for an important meeting, checked into her room at the swank hotel and unpacked her bags. Noticing that her best suit had been badly wrinkled during her flight, she telephoned the desk and asked the hotels valet service to pick it up for pressing. Almost immediately after she hung up the phone, a knock sounded at the door, and there stood an elderly Chinaman, waiting. Impressed by the fast service, the career woman exclaimed, "My you come lickety-split!" "No, ma'am" replied the elderly Chinaman. "I come to get laundry".
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Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that". Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned".
ORSM
VIDEO
There once was a King and Queen who ruled a kingdom by the sea. One day the King's brother, who ruled a kingdom in the mountains, took ill and needed help ruling his land. The first king volunteered to help and explained to the queen that his brother's illness may last many months. They would see one another each weekend. Every other weekend the king would journey, on horseback, down from the mountains. On alternating weekends the queen would journey, up from the seaside, the same way.
"There is one very important thing to remember" said the king. "Halfway between the two lands is a bridge which crosses a deep ravine. The bridge is guarded by a magic troll, who lives under the bridge as most trolls are apt to do. He will ask you to pay a toll, a four leaf clover, so you must promise me you will always remember to bring one with you". "I will" she replied thinking that would be easy since all castles in those days were surrounded by fields of four leaf clovers, for good luck.
So the time comes for the queen to make her first journey. She picks the clover, puts it in the pocket of her dress and off she goes. After a while she comes to the bridge and out crawls an ugly little troll. "He certainly doesn't look very magical" she thinks to herself.
The troll begins to speak. "I am the troll who lives under the bridge and YOU must pay a toll... a four leaf clover if you please... or bend over on your knees". And with that he dropped his pants revealing the biggest, thickest cock the queen had ever seen. He then thrust his hips back and forth three or four times to show exactly what he intended do with his massive, 13 inch prick. The queen, all flustered and embarrassed, quickly gave him the clover and hurried on her way.
This went on for many months. The queen grew used to seeing the trolls equipment and even began fantasising about how it would be to let the troll screw her. After all, the king was just of an average size and he was all she had ever been with. It got to the point where her panties would get damp at the thought of making the journey across the bridge.
One fateful day, as she approached the bridge, she thought "What the hell, you only live once" and threw her clover away. When she reached the bridge the troll was waiting. "I am the troll who lives under the bridge and YOU must pay a toll... a four leaf clover if you please... or bend over on your knees". "My god" said the queen looking in the pocket of her dress, "I seem to have lost my four leaf clover. It looks like I will have to take the second choice today".
So the troll helps the queen off her horse and leads her down under the bridge where there is a beautiful bed of flowers. She lifts her dress, slips off her silky royal panties, bends over and gets down on her knees on the flowers. As soon as he enters her soaking wet pussy she realises why he is called a 'magic troll'.
The troll screws the queen like she has never been screwed before in all her life. Echoes of the Queen's moans and gasps of pleasure bounce off the ravine walls for the next couple of hours. When they are finally done they lay exhausted in the flowers.
"I have to admit..." said the queen "I'm kind of glad I lost my clover". "Oh, I hear that one all the time" replies the troll. "Do many ladies come by here who have lost their clover" says the queen coyly. "Oh no" replies the troll..." But your husband, the King, loses his every single time..."
| AUDREY, MIKAYLA AND VICTORIA |
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On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her - how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.
When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!) and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you". The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right". And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row". The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request.
Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?"
And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health". Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
ORSM
VIDEO
Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house.
After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city centre studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week. Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away.
"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath." "That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water."
"What about your husband?" asked the model. "Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris. "Good," said the model. "Now that that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."
That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair. The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modelling swimmer or underclothes.
Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her. "It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself." The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her. Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.
Later Fred returned and they retired to bed. "Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes, he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?" "Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times." "Yes, said Fred, I have, but the rest of the dart team hadn't."
| I THINK IT'S ABOUT TIME WE LEZ THINGS UP... |
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A Little Rabbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across a Giraffe rolling a joint. He runs up the Giraffe and says, "Hey, Giraffe. You shouldn't do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead!" The Giraffe looks at the Little Rabbit, looks at the spliff, shrugs his shoulders, tosses the joint over his shoulder and runs off through the wood with the Little Rabbit.
After a while the Giraffe and the Rabbit come across an Elephant about to do a line of Coke. The Rabbit says, "Oh, Elephant you really shouldn't do that. You should come running with us in the wood. It is much better for you".
The Elephant looks at the Rabbit looks at the line of Charlie, shrugs his shoulders, then runs off through the wood with the Giraffe and the Rabbit.
Shortly they come across a Bear about to shoot up heroin. The Rabbit runs up to him and says "Hey, Bear, you shouldn't do that, think of your health. You'd be better of running in the woods with us".
The Bear looks at the Rabbit, looks at the syringe, spoon and stuff, shrugs his shoulders, kicks the whole lot away and runs off with the Rabbit, the Giraffe and the Elephant.
After a while they come across a Tiger drinking his way through a six pack of beer. The Rabbit runs up to the Tiger and says, "Hey Tiger, you really shouldn't do that" and the Tiger immediately jumps up and starts beating the living crap out of the Rabbit.
The Giraffe grabs the Tiger and pulls him off the Rabbit and says, "What the hell are you doing, man?" The Tiger gets one more kick in and says, "Ah, that little fucker really pisses me off; he always makes me run around the bloody woods when he's on Ecstasy!"
| BEST ANTI SMOKING ADS |
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Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !" "Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely. "See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"
"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender. "Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated" the customer went on. "When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"
"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood". "Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"
"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender. "Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!" The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day". "Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"
ORSM
GALLERIES
Continuing on with the dump of old galleries I found stashed away. Again, no promises are being made here but its naked babes so just grab some tissues and enjoy. Check 'em...
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READER MAIL
If you want to contribute to Orsm and share something with the world then pics or video of a bitchy Ex or delicious girlfriend, demented shit, fucked up shit, funny shit, jokes, random videos, random shite or any other assorted media then you should stop whatever you're doing and email it my way very, very quickly. And how to do this? It's simple - just click here. Check it...
Evan wrote:
Subject: Hubcap...
Deepest Condolences on the Loss of your friend and confidant, Sir Hubster: The Cap. I hope you got a coupla well deserved "I'm Sorry" BJ's out of it. How was the ceremony and burial? Did you have Taps played, with a full Honor Guard and a 21 gun salute, using the canons from the deck of an old Battleship? A proper burial at sea, perhaps? Most likely a Fly-By was included with the special "Missing Hub Formation" thrown in for good measure? Did the Newlywed Royals show up? With the hot sister and that GREAT ASS!?! And that kooky duchess with the funky hat? (She didn't get drunk and out of sorrow place the newly deceased in that god-awful hat of hers, did she?)I am sure it was a memorable Memorial Service, one that will be remembered for all time in The Legends and Lore of The Automobile Industry. We here in The USA will fly Our Banner at Half-Staff in remembrance.I am sure that in lieu of flowers, you have set up a special Memorial Charity Fund for us to send donations to. I would be interested in knowing what the address is so I can send my Respects. He will be missed. *sniffle*.*sniffle* God Bless You! We are all here for you Bro!! Hang in there. Peace.
All sounds more than reasonable but alas not everyone agrees. As for a burial – no way. Once I track down a replacement it will be hung on a wall becoming a constant reminder to 'not scratch the wheels'. -Orsm |
Andy wrote:
Subject: Relax and have a pleasant flight... and don't worry about snakes.
I know Australia has the most deadly animals, but we here in the States have a few tricks up our sleeves. |
John wrote:
Subject: Re: mercury poisoning bullshit
the mercury poisoning PDF is an old bullshit piece of misinformation that was doing the rounds a few years ago. good link here... |
Mike wrote:
Subject: Rebuttal
Hey there. In rebuttal to Gordon's rant, we have fitting called a vacuum breaker. In most parts of Canada these are a required fitting. I know that over 20 years ago when I was plumbing, they were required on hot water tanks. Now they are used much more widely. There is one on every
garden hose bib, (tap) plus several other areas through out the house. Thus, should there be a break in the water main, etc. Then air is sucked back into the lines, rather then the water.Gordon, you are an idiot. Instead of having 10 city inspectors making $80,000.00 a year each, plus their medical, pensions etc, ( so figure close to a million a year) the city hires a company for $500,000.00 year to do all the inspections. The rules don't change, just who does the inspection. In Canada, the rules are the same no matter who does the inspection. I'm sure that is the case in most countries. Same results, just a lot of slack asses with out jobs. My thoughts. |
wobbley wrote:
Subject: Beer Comercial
G'day Mr Orsm. that beer ad singer is I'm sure John Swan, Jimmy Barnes brother
Did this ad make anyone else think of BMX Bandits? -Orsm |
Robert wrote:
Subject: Kid taking pic of moms ass WTF
Found this on funny junk NSFW. Look at the kids face in the mirror taking the pic! Been a fan of your site for 8 or more years.
Can't blame him. Really... you can't. -Orsm |
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James wrote:
Subject: Facebook friend that provides moments of hilarity
Hey man long time fan here, finally got something worth submitting. This is a friend of my ex who is always good for a line of amazing hilarity, one of my favourites being "what was elvis the king of?" Anyway please hide details and hope this provides a laugh.Oh and dont know if this is good enough for one of the jokes but it made me and my workmate snigger :) |
RR147HP wrote:
Subject: do what u will..
How would anyone know to use bridge if sign is there?? I saw this sign in front of a toysrus on Rt17N Paramus NJ. Notice someone didn't see the sign either and there is a cross by red arrow. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Saw this and thought of you
No need to display details, thanks.
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Greg wrote:
Subject: Planking
Planking in South Africa
Looks more like he's trying to get a BJ from the car. -Orsm |
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Dale wrote:
Subject: 1907 Photo.. And it was all said a long time ago!
Perhaps this is one email that needs to be forwarded until every Australian with a computer receives it. The year is 1907, over one hundred years ago... Sir Edmund Barton's (Australia's first PM) ideas on Immigrants and being an Australian in 1907:
'In the first place, we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an Australian and assimilates himself to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed, or birthplace, or origin. But this is predicated upon the person's becoming in every facet an Australian, and nothing but an Australian. There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an Australian, but something else also, isn't an Australian at all. We have room for but one flag, the Australian flag. We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language... and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the Australian people.' |
John wrote:
Subject: The Girls
I just love the size of these nipples. Don't you? Can anyone say MOTORBOAT! |
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Ted wrote:
Subject: ass
I wonder what celebrity figure they're talking about? |
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Beer Slammer wrote:
Subject: 2 more Fail Pics
About a year ago I sent ya a Kevin Rudd fail pic I made, cheers for putting it up! here are couple more, the latest Failers.
Not funny because it's true. -Orsm |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics for the site
First time sharing here but here are some pics of an Ex who despite me being civil when I broke it off with her decided to run her mouth and talk shit about me. More where these come from if you like.... please hide my info!
Call me judgemental but I like it all... except the tattoo. -Orsm |
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Dale wrote:
Subject: Now for something completely different, from Australia
These items below were all fabricated from junked 1950 and 1960 automobile parts by a gentleman in Australia. Check out all the Spark Plugs! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: B-Day GF Modeling Pics
Hey Orsm! Have checked your site every Thursday (here in US) for years. Attached are just a couple of posed photos of my GF she and her best friend made for my birthday. Post them if you would like. I am trying for some hardcore pics or maybe a homemade video. You'll be the first to know! Thank you! |
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V wrote:
Subject: First Super Bus arrived in Dubai
When you ordered this, did you consider a garage for it?? First Super Bus Received in Dubai for traveling from Dubai to Abu Dhabi. Land Speed = 250 Km/hr
They should bring them to Perth - bet it couldn't go faster than 70kmh after becoming stuck behind some ignorant cunt hogging the right-hand lane. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Happy Independence Day - USA
pool party..... after the crowd left. hide details. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Will Smiths trailer
With length of 15 meters, 1050 Sq. feet and weight of 30 tons, Will Smith's two story trailer is a mansion on wheels. Inside there are several bedrooms, a kitchen, bathroom, gym and cinema. The trailer cost 1.8 million dollars. |
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Jd wrote:
Subject: ID Photos
How female ID photos should be done
Kind of agree... -Orsm |
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ORSM VIDEO
Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their Seventies when they got married. They had to wait for Mildred's mother to pass away first. Back in those days there was no hanky panky before marriage so Chester and Mildred were both still virgins.
Needless to say Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night, having waited so patiently all these years. However, Mildred was very apprehensive as she had developed a heart condition and would have to tell Chester that they could not do it.
Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry up. He detects a little reluctance on her part. Thinking that she is shy he sends her off to the bathroom to get undressed. When she reappears in her silk satin nightie, he gets her to sit next to him on the bed. Not knowing how to get things started, he pulls the first strap on her nightie. She blushes just as red as her silk satin nightie. She is really concerned about telling Chester about her heart condition.
In the meantime Chester is looking at the first breast he has seen since his own mother's. It is hanging there down to her belly button: gravity having taken its course over some sixty years. He realises her anxiety but figures she is going have to be helped a little more.
Now he pulls the second strap and sees the second breast unroll downward before him. Poor Mildred is now beside herself. She is going to have to tell Chester about her heart. With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage she says "Chester I have acute angina". Chester says, "I sure hope so. Cuz you've sure got ugly tits".
| MISSY MONROE OOZES SEXUALITY |
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Last week, she checked into the caravan park in Bundaberg Queensland in a cabin and was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages".
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself 'Tender Tony' - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well-oiled bum... you get the picture. She figured, what the heck, I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?"... Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait... I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips - everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, baby. Now how does that sound?"
He says, "That sounds absolutely fantastic but you need to press 9 for an outside line".
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An Alabama preacher said to his congregation "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression".
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic... rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets..."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
| GIANNA LYNN |
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After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Darling, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old girl. Now I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.
ORSM
VIDEO
And that be that... except for this...
- Check out the site archives. You'll be glad you did because my friend Ray will punch you in the face if you don't.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Make sure you tune in because my friend Ray will punch you in the face if you don't.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray tell you there won't be a carbon tax... promise there will never be a carbon tax... then bring in a carbon tax, but promise you won't be directly or indirectly effected by it.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and happy whatever whatever. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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