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| orsmupdate 2010.07.29-21.29 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Ever wonder if everyone knows something you don't...?
Update number 30 for the year. Don't really know why this feels like such a milestone but it does. Possibly something to do with the last 30 weeks having passed all too quickly. Which reminds me - September marks the 10th anniversary of Orsm, which even though technically the site predates September 2k, it is for some long forgotten reason the time I chose. This in mind I've been trying to think of a suitable way or ways to mark the occasion. There's actually a whole mess of work happening behind the scenes which would have been cool to start implementing but don't think it will be ready to launch by then. Maybe I'll switch to bi-weekly updates for the month or something? Thoughts, ideas and suggestions go here.
Hotmail. AOL. Yahoo. If you use these as your mail providers then you're in the majority and you most likely cop vast amounts of spam and various other junk too. The latest scourge that appears to be increasing by the day though is users of these services having their accounts hacked so bad guys can spam your friends. A list of anyone you have ever sent an email to is stored by default so when your account is compromised the spammers get a bunch of working email addresses to send shit to. The recipients think it's legit because they know the sender and open it.
I probably see this more than most due to how much mail comes my way but one thing is for sure - Hotmail, Yahoo and to a lesser extent AOL are the main offenders. So how to fix it? Obviously change your password regularly is the main one but the best way is to switch to a decent mail provider. Gmail is my fave - I'm yet to get a single spam via them and same applies with spam coming from jacked Gmail accounts. I completely switched over a year ago and my junk mail went from several hundred a day to zero.
Let's move on to me, my exciting life and everything else yours truly. Beginning with Saturday...
The morning kicked off with a bout of exercise which was notable for five reasons - shitting. The pooch's overactive sphincter made an appearance repeatedly - one in the backyard prior to departure, one out front during departure, one just up the street, the next on the front lawn of only house along the entire 5km route which had the owners standing out the front [excruciating when you've run out of poop bags...] and one more for good measure near home. Fucking dog must have something majorly wrong with her arse OR she just enjoys making me pickup and carry her poop.
It was off to do some shopping following that. Probably shouldn't have bothered because except for one single thing I couldn't find there was nothing else I needed so back home to get working which absorbed the rest of my day.
Sunday started much the same as the day before it except thankfully this time with less bowel movements. Spent a while frustratingly trying to fix a friends sewing table upon returning. I say frustratingly because even with a trip to the hardware store there was no way it was doable with the tools on hand. Back on the road again to collect tools which had the problem solved in no time. Sometimes I'm torn between wishing I had a fully decked out workshop... and hoping no one will ask me to do anything.
The rest of the day was of course back on the computer. A continuation of Saturday's activities which was basically sorting through tens of thousands of porn pics, an exercise which also lasted through Monday. By the end of it my brain was sore. It's the GTA Effect - years ago, when I got deeply immersed in Grand Theft Auto, I would have to consciously remind myself not to run people down and crash into other cars when back in the real world. The same thing happens with porn immersion - I spent dinner with friends on Monday looking around the restaurant wondering why no one was naked. Issue ladies and gents... I've got them.
And with that we should get on with the update. Quite enjoyed sticking this monster together. Tonnes of cool shit which'll keep you guys amused for days, if not years. Check it...
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I was in Hungry Jacks the other day, when this Muslim woman walks in wearing a brightly coloured head to toe outfit. I thought to myself, WOW!! The Burka's ARE better at Hungry Jacks…!!
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Two Indian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care. One has a dodgy tikka and the other is in a korma.
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After an excitingly hot 69 position with his girlfriend, Jerry remembered he had a dentist appointment. He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times, used dental floss 8 times and gargled a whole litre of Listerine. As he arrived at the dentist he sucked 2 strong mints. His turn came up and the dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident and relaxed, Jerry opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close enough and said, "Man, did you have 69 before you came here"? "WHY"? Jerry asked, "Does my breath smell like pussy"? "Ha no!" The dentist replied, "Your forehead smells like shit..."
ORSM
VIDEO
TRUTHS FOR MATURE ADULTS
- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
- Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realise you're wrong.
- I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
- There is great need for a sarcasm font.
- How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
- Was learning cursive really necessary?
- Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighbourhood.
- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
- I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
- Bad decisions make good stories.
- You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
- Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection... again.
- I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.
- I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
- I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
- I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
- I disagree with Kay Jewellers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
- I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
- Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realise I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
- I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
- The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
- Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
- Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber and dumber every year?
- There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
- As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.
- Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
- Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
| BY POPULAR DEMAND: GEORGIA JONES |
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After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope to ask for a favour.
The Pope says, "What can I do?" The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily Chicken.' If you do it, I'll donate 10 million dollars to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's Prayer and I cannot change the words."
So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again.
"Listen your Excellency, I really need your help. I'll give you $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our Daily chicken.'"
And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The Church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's Prayer, and I can't change the words." So the Colonel Gives up again.
After two more months of terrible sales the Colonel gets desperate.
"This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican." "Let me get back to you!" says the Pope.
So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The Good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican." The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.
The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."
ORSM
VIDEO
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is: ALWAYS keep your condoms in your car.
| WHEN I SAID SUCK IT... I REALLY DID MEAN SUCK IT! |
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Two guys were walking down the street one day when they came across a small pair of gym shorts on the ground. They decided to put a sign up on the church bulletin board so the rightful owner could claim them.
The first one starts to write out the sign, "FOUND: one pair of boy's gym shorts"
"Hold on," says the second, "Those are girls gym shorts." "No they're not," says the first, "They're boy's shorts!"
The second grabs them from him and takes a closer look, "No, no... Definitely girl's gym shorts!"
The two of them are inspecting the shorts in turns and arguing. "Boy's shorts!", "No, girl's shorts!", "Definitely boys shorts!"... and so on.
The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can't help but ask them what the commotion is all about. The first guy tells the priest, and asks him if he could sort out the argument. The priest takes the shorts, has a good long sniff, and after pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men and says: "Definitely boys shorts... but not from my parish!"
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READER MAIL
Ever submitted to Orsm before? It's not a big deal, matter of fact it's just like after you've had sex for the first time - it gets better and better. So what am I looking for here? Well obviously the more highly entertaining, thought provoking, sardonic, everything/nothing the better but I'll happily settle for boobs, jokes, random pics and funny videos. Simply click here to make it happen.
Gordon wrote:
Subject: wce stuff
Orsm, maybe you need to remind Dockers fans about SIS, that's "Silverware in September," which after todays effort vs Bulldogs looks about as likely as a WCE berth in the finals. Eat it dockers fans,you aint goin' nowhere
Have to agree. Suck it Freo... win a few games and everyone starts talking premiership. NOW WHERE AREE YA'S?! -Orsm
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Urban Golf wrote:
Subject: funny diagram
According to the diagram on this page women have a large penis like device inside them.....
Some mroe often than others... -Orsm |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: random weirdo dude in germany
most hilarous moment of my life...... at least in the last years... close to midnight... fetching a guest mattress from the cellar of my friends place... guess what... absolutely naked old man hanging from the ceiling upside down - in some weirdo bondage position - in absolute darkness, before we turned on the light - pointing his hairy arse and balls straight at our horrified faces! we were just like... "um...are you hanging from the ceiling ? "he: ... "well...hello !" we are still wondering how long he used to hang there and what strange ...things may have happened before !?! ...and AFTER !!! SERIOUSLY OMG LOL WTF ! - ORSM !!! ...unfortunately we did not take any pictures ! |
Cutter wrote:
Subject: Shocking
Lightning strike at the new Boeng plant around the corner from my house. Keep up the good work! Love the site!
Spectacular. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Something odd about Julia Gillard
Hey Orsm, Couldn't not notice the odd scar like lines running across Julia Gillards face in the Labor ads currently running on the TV. Got me thinking so see attached image.
Joker about sums it up for me. -Orsm
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Stuart wrote:
Subject: Kylie
Kylie & the happiest bear in the whole wide world...
Oh to be the bear. -Orsm |
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Ted wrote:
Subject: Itinerant sign
Saw this on a rusted-out shitbox of a motor home the other day. Enjoy.
Spel ling not his strong point. -Orsm |
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xitz wrote:
Subject: Army MQs Berrimah NT to be allocated to ILLEGAL ALIENS
Illegals receive more in benefits and allowances than our struggling pensioners, and now 'THIS'. What an insult to ADF Servicemen, Army in particular, and their Families by the Gillard Government! They are thinking of evicting current servicemen's families from 162 MQs in Berrimah to enable ILLEGAL ALIENS to occupy these very same MQs! Shows exactly what Gillard/Faulkner/Griffin/Combet think of our ADF members in 2010! Remember to give this due consideration come 21 AUG 10 Peoples! |
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Jeff wrote:
Subject: Unreal vanity plate!
Mr. Orsm, Attached is a picture of a vanity plate posted on The Jim Rome Show Facebook
Page. It reads, "RU18QT!". Could this be Roman Polanski's Ferrari? Cheers and as always, please hide my email address. |
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ben g wrote:
Subject: SULTANA BRAN BUDS
Hey dude first time submitter long time viewer blah, blah, blah. theyve finally legalized buds |
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Roger wrote:
Subject: Emailing
JUst goes to show that in some UK hospital, death is less worrying than equipment failure... |
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Benjamin wrote:
Subject: Bad English
Are they trying to make a closeout sale on blood? Or are the folks at ABC news in the US fucking morons? |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: perhaps
you might find this of interest.. I accidentally shot myself in the foot (literally) with a 9mm hollow point while holstering a pistol after taking a piss.. enjoy...
Last pic is hilarious... so proud! -Orsm
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Supaduck wrote:
Subject: Anything you can do, she can do better?
Jessica Cox, 25, a girl born without arms, stands inside an aircraft. The girl from Tucson, Arizona got the Sport Pilot certificate lately and became the first pilot licensed to fly using only her feet.
I wonder what else she can do with her feet... -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pretty Bad Road Crash
Hi, Pretty gruesome. The Driver's funeral announcement is also attached. It says 'It is ...... acceptance of God's will.....' Really? Let's be careful on the roads, we take for granted what drunk driving can result in. It is said that the gentleman had just left Rafiki's ( a local bar) in the early morning hours.
GRAPHIC WARNING! -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Gold digging bitch
Hi Orsom Long time reader first time blah blah blah. usual deal mate this gold digging bitch lives in WA watch out for this one boys oh and make sure you wear a franger its inficted but she wont tell you that untill its too late. usual speal mate hide the info more to come |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ejection in the Nick of Time.
Orsm, Greetings. Ejection in the Nick of Time. A close view of the CF-18 (Canadian Airforce) crash, in Lethbridge, Alberta Canada, during a practice run 23/July/2010) , the day before the Airshow.
If it's even possible that someone missed it, video can be found here. -Orsm
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mrcart wrote:
Subject: Emailing
love ya site mate, keep up the good work and enjoy your holiday. thanks bloke. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: this is what beats my drum
A little x lass that loved to get smashed .. If they ok and get the thumbs
up more to cum ... dude please dont use my contact details.. |
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OneMan wrote:
Subject: Real trail riders
Today's dirt biker riders are a bunch of pansies compared to how Grandpa used to do it....... |
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Supaduck wrote:
Subject: Unusual WWII photographs
Some interesting, different WWII shots ... |
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Supaduck wrote:
Subject: A London breakfast (the eggs look a bit overdone to me)
no chips because there too greasy see only Americans like real greasy stuff you only need ta check out some of the sizes of em ..some would make 10 of me no sweat lol. HUNGRY? Mario's Cafe in Warren Street, London, do a big breakfast for 10 pounds.
It's 10 eggs, 10 bacon, 10 sausage, 10 toast, 5 black puddings, tomatoes, beans and mushrooms. The breakfast packs in 5,000 calories - nearly twice the recommended daily intake for an average man. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: nude pics
here are some nude pics, please hide my info |
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CJ wrote:
Subject: Really enjoyed this
Hey Orsm. This really shows how England fared in the world cup. If you use it and before anybody starts bleating about you giving the English a bad time, I am a Pom!
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OneMan wrote:
Subject: The Canvas Prison
Surely, everyone seeing/reading this e-mail would agree that banning the BURKA anywhere in the world should be mandatory.
Funny. -Orsm
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lord azrael wrote:
Subject: Tool on a bike
Not a bad jump on the bike, but i love when you turn it up and listen to the thud at the end. Love ya site, keep up the good work
Ooops! -Orsm
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| DARE DORM |
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ORSM
VIDEO
A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, getting blue in the face. The father realiSes the boy has aspirated the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."
| MILF: LISA ANN |
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A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as the little guy bursts into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY...!!"
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car stolen and I don't have any insurance, I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me, so I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve, then a wise ass like you shows up and drinks the whole thing! Jeez, I just can't win!!"
| WINTER WONDER |
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A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."
So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I 'ave some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming: "De wrong feet! You got dem on de wrong feet!"
| VERONIQUE VEGA |
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Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."
ORSM
VIDEO
Aaaaand we're done. Not to blow my own trumpet or anything but pretty bloody good update huh? If you would like more then I suggest you read the following...
- Check out the site archives. They're so fat that we're considering lap banding.
- Next update will be next Thursday. I feel I've been clear on this.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will accidentally repeatedly beat you with a stick.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and help me think of something funny or witty to write here next week. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2010.07.22-21.17 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. I've come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass... and I'm all out of bubblegum.
Really hate to start an update with politics but with a Federal election called for August here goes... I'll come straight out and say it - re-electing the current government is a mistake. They will definitely green light mandatory internet filtering. This means ALL Australians will only be able to view web pages that the government deems suitable - a 'clean feed' which will drastically slow internet speeds that you can't opt out of. Potentially Orsm and any other adult site could disappear to Aussie net users without so much as a whimper and it won't be limited to adult/pornographic material. According to Wikipedia: "sites depicting drug use, crime, sex, cruelty, violence or revolting and abhorrent phenomena that offend against the standards of morality" are liable to be blacklisted.
If you stop and think about what that could be applied to, the fact it is open to abuse by its controllers, and keep in mind that the proposed filter won't even come close to achieving what they're aiming for -protecting children- you would be absolutely crazy to vote Labor and for that matter Liberal who it seems do not oppose it.
So who to vote for if you oppose this shit? The Australian Sex Party is who. Check them out here.
Moving on to geniuses. They're everywhere. The big local news story on Saturday was a crazy naked guy who climbed up on a billboard with a gun. Police locked down the surrounding area for several hours until he could be talked off... umm... down. The highlight for me however was a bystander interviewed on a news report. "I wonder why he's up there." she said, "There must be something wrong". Congratu-fucking-lations, Captain Obvious.
Okay let's zip through the occurrences of my week. Thoroughly fascinating as it's been...
Saturday marked round two of car hunting shenanigans with my sis. The choice had been whittled down to a Toyota or Nissan and it was time to test drive. Toyota first where they pretty much chucked us the key and said come back when you're finished. Radically different to Nissan where they were a lot more hands on and supervisory. Anyway it looks like Toyota is the pick so if anyone out there can hook up a good deal feel free to email me.
From there we visited my cousin to say happy birthday which turned into a sort of mini family reunion. Home afterwards to wash the car and pretty much straight out the door for a night at the pub, again with the extended fam. Was all going well until about 11pm when unexplained stomach cramps started and I chose to depart the area very quickly. Good call too as a faecal emergency of Gulf proportions was under way. Made it home JUST in time in case you were wondering...
Started Sunday with a gardening assault. That should mark the end of leaf raking until next winter OR under no circumstances will I be raking again until next winter, depending on how you look at it. Tried to make the rest of the day all about me. First stop was the city for a coffee, then to visit my gran, then to do battle with the Chinese at the markets [the fact I'm bigger doesn't seem to intimidate them...?], then down the coast to get more coffee and then past a mates place to watch the footy.
All up a highly agreeable weekend... almost as awesome as this week's update. Actually scratch that - nothing is as good as this week's update. Check it...
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Hilarious! - Cool Game - Suck It Baby - Extreme Fail - Drunk Hot Girls - Good Looking - Squirting Lesbians
Kid Wrecks BMW - Gonna Get Raped! - Public Porn - Gorgeous Girls - Insanely Cool - Shake Dat Ass - Jennifer Aniston
Girls Kissing - Boobie Luv - Closing The Deal - Wow Emmanuelle - Skanked Out - Sexy & Funny - Very Upsetting
The wealthy financier was sitting in his study when his eldest son came to him. "Dad," the boy stammered, "I got a girl in trouble and she wants two thousand dollars to keep quiet about it." The father reluctantly wrote a check for the amount but just as he finished signing it, his second son burst in with the same bad news, only this time the amount requested was three thousand dollars. While he was writing the second check, his youngest daughter appeared at the door of the study, weeping. "Daddy," she sobbed uncontrollably, "I think I'm pregnant." "Aha!" the financier exclaimed gratefully. "Now we collect!"
--
This guy and his girlfriend were going at it hot and heavy in the backseat of his car. A knock was heard on the window and there stood a cop. The guy got out, shaking like a leaf. The cop said that he wouldn't arrest him if he could be next. The guy got back in the car and finished with his girlfriend. When he got out again, he was still shaking like a leaf. The cop said there was no reason to be scared. The guy said "I'm not afraid that you'll arrest me, it's just that I've never fucked a cop before!"
--
Two very drunk gentlemen stood at the bar near closing time. "I've got an idea," said one, "let's have one more drink and then go and find us some girls to bang." "No thanks," replied the other one, "I've got more than I can handle at home." "Great," replied the idea man, "then let's have one more drink and go up to your place."
ORSM
VIDEO
INTERNATIONAL COUNCIL OF MAN LAWS
- Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "FUCK OFF", you are absolved of your of responsibility.
- Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: "Yeah, baby, push it!" "C'mon, give me one more!" "Harder!"
- Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat".
- Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
- Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
- When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
- Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
- It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
- You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent).
- Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.
- If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
- The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
- Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
- No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.
- It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
- Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
- Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party (Wingman).
- Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return is required to grant it.
- Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
- The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox360. End of story.
- If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem - you didn't see nothin'.
- It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: when a heroic dog dies to save its master; the moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse; after wrecking your boss's car; when she is using her teeth.
- The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
- A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
- Your girlfriend must bond with your buddy's girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her gal pal's significant dick-heads - low-level sports bonding is all the law requires.
- When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
- Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
- When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
- Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue...
- It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.
- Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
- A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
- If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whooping, then you may sit back and enjoy.
- Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
- Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
- The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
-In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
- You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.
- Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
- A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
- The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty the morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken monkey sex is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
- There is no reason for guys to watch ice skating or men's gymnastics. Ever.
| ORSM APPROVED: MELISSA LAUREN |
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An elderly man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?" The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly. The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be. And suddenly... WHOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself.
He presses harder on the accelerator, and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, He sees that it's the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, He floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the moped ploughs into the back of his Ferrari, well and truly demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a doctor... is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Two vampires wanted to go out to eat but were having a little trouble deciding where to go.
They were a little tired of the local food in Transylvania and wanted something a little more exotic. After some discussion, they decided to go to Italy because they had heard that Italian food was really good.
So off they went to Italy and ended up in Venice. On a bridge over one of the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner. A few minutes later they noticed a young couple walking their way. As they neared, the vampires made their move. Each vampire grabbed a person, sucked them dry and tossed the remaining bodies into the canal below.
The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and decided to have seconds. Another young couple approached a few minutes later and suffered the same fate as the first - sucked dry and tossed into the canal below.
Our vampires are now fairly full but decide to get dessert. In a short while a third young couple provides just that. As with the first two couples, these people were also sucked dry and tossed over the rail into the canal.
The vampires had had a marvellous dinner but it was time to head back home. As they started to walk away they began to hear singing. They were puzzled because no one else was on the bridge. As they listened, they realised that it was coming from the canal. They looked over the rail and saw a huge alligator in the water under the bridge, feasting on the bodies. They listened as the alligator sang: "Drained wops keep falling on my head..."
| CLEAVAGE - IF YOU GOT IT, SHOW ME! |
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Murphy's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. "Hey, Murph! You just had you a son! "Ain't dat grand!"
Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter! She's a pretty lil ting, too...
"Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we aint got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Murph, you just had yourself another boy!"
Murphy said to the doctor, "Doc, what caused all of dem babies?" The doctor said, "You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception." Murphy said, "Ah yeah, during conception...."
When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat 3-in-1 oil." She said, "Yeah, I remember dat night..." Murph said, "I'll tell you... it's a fucking good thing we didn't use WD-40".
| GUIDO GAYNESS |
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READER MAIL
Ever submitted to Orsm before? It's not a big deal, matter of fact it's just like after you've had sex for the first time - it gets better and better. So what am I looking for here? Well obviously the more highly entertaining, thought provoking, sardonic, everything/nothing the better but I'll happily settle for boobs, jokes, random pics and funny videos. Simply click here to make it happen.
David wrote:
Subject: I call Bullshit- orsmupdate 2010.07.15-21.05
I don't normally get to bothered by utter crap being spread as Gospel truth on the internet but this really bugged me because the silly bint who is supposedly the editor of this fine publication, has tried to pass off a complete fallacy as a truth that she has personally experienced. That's just fucking lazy journalism and to be honest it just shits me, I know you will probably get 100s of these but here is the link to the truth behind this crock of shit. anyway here endeth the rant.. |
Benjamin wrote:
Subject: another crazy asshole
What makes these guys think that they can have any woman they want through a post on craig's list?
Where else would all the weirdo-fuckers go if it weren't for CL? -Orsm |
bryan wrote:
Subject: Racist???
Unfortunate dog name.
Controversial. -Orsm |
Bobby D wrote:
Subject: Latest from Eagles Team Store
Eat shit brother !!!!
To all of you jerkholes sending me West Coast Eagles propoganda - it will never happen! -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Borneo trucking
Indonesians' testing the limits of automotive technology.
It looked okay at the time... -Orsm |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Facebook tits
Sup Orsm. Found these browsing facebook... someones profile picture. Withhold my info please.
Please give me her name so I can add. -Orsm |
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John M. wrote:
Subject: What will your kid look like?
Hopefully not like a cross between Satan and ..anything really!
"There are no ugly babies" is something I've never subscribed to. -Orsm |
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Joe wrote:
Subject: For the mail bag
Was at a stop light in Tucson Arizona and saw this so had to get a picture.. Post if you want.. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
This girl comes hard! Please hide blat blat blat
I can't tell who has the piercing... -Orsm |
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Ty wrote:
Subject: Hilarious Julia Gillard Wiki Entry
Hey man, Just stumbled on this and thought it was fucking brilliant. With that ranga Julia Gillard taking control of this great land of ours it seems a lot of people are not that happy! Just read the first line haha. Here is the link and i have attached a screenshot also. |
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Cliffy wrote:
Subject: Hidden message?
Followed this pick-up while on vacation in Nevada. I think theres some sort of hidden message here.... |
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John wrote:
Subject: This is a Racism test
Do you like him any better now ? no? Then you're not a racist.
What if I liked him before but not now? -Orsm |
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Michael wrote:
Subject: my new insurance agent
STATE FARM SIGN - in Mandeville, LA |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Smoking
THE SIGN OF A JOB WELL DONE |
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Adam wrote:
Subject: Ex girlfriend pics!
She was kinky as hell, amazing body, and probably the best sex i will ever have! She loved to play around with any sex toys and wasn't scared to touch me anywhere. she is the one i have to blame for being crazy in bed now. Except my new girl wont touch me in or around my asshole which i absolutely love and would get me off instantly! I don't know how to really ask her to stick her finger in and rub my prostate.....??? keep the info private.. can't wait to see em on the site.. ill try hard to contribute more.. just have to break the new woman in! |
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Shawn wrote:
Subject: internet whores
talked to this slut for 5 min asked for a decent picture and this is what i got. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Sic Lancer Qld
found this sic post-it lancer in a restaurant carpark today at Hervey Bay QLD, hide details
Filed under 'people who have too much spare time'. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: (no subject)
some more of my friend hide the details please... and one video to finish it off
Glad she knows how to use those puppies. -Orsm |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: ex GF pics
Giving back, Here's some pics of the ex bitch to add to the cause....as usual please withhold details. |
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Terry wrote:
Subject: Spanish Vintage car rally
Take the time to see these beautiful Antique Cars at a Rally held in Spain. |
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Shawn wrote:
Subject: slut from school
thought i would share this slut with the world. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: When a man is a woman
I saw these are thought of you. This is too freaky. hide my info please.
So you saw a guy with a vagina and you thought of me...? Cheers dude... -Orsm
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SEYMORE wrote:
Subject: World cup
More world cup fanatics
If you missed the previous WC Fan galleries you can find them here, here, here and here. -Orsm |
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Shawn wrote:
Subject: drunk showing tits
everyone in town has seen her tits so why not share with the rest of the world
I cannot argue with your logic. -Orsm |
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| DARE DORM |
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ORSM
VIDEO
A salesman was travelling through the country side, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it."
The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my pasture buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you. And get everyone in the county to buy a case... we will make you rich.
The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a tree. Back to the house went the farmer. The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield.
Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him. The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?" The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "Doesn't that calf have a mother?"
| SANDY 'OH SO' SWEET |
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Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.
The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?" "A bird," the guy replied.
The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain.
When the police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."
The police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."
| HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPO |
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Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working. Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything... tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centres. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his mum looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?"
Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
| RAYLENE |
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A saleswoman was travelling along this Arkansas road when her car broke down near a farmhouse. She went to the farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could put her up for the night until her car was fixed.
"Sure," he said, "but you have to sleep with my son because we only have two bedrooms. By the way, he suffers from tight skin." She asked if it was contagious and he said no, so they went to sleep.
When she woke up in the morning the bed was full of crap, and she screamed. The farmer came running into the room and asked what was wrong.
"This bed is full of shit!" she yelled. "I told you last night that he suffered from tight skin," said the farmer. "Just what the hell is tight skin, anyway?" she asked. The farmer said, "When he closes his eyes his arsehole opens up!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Well that be all... except for this last bit of course...
- Check out the site archives. They're huge... virtually.
- Next update will be next Thursday because I am so hopelessly stuck in my ways.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will spend years setting up the largest heroin importing racquet in history and ingeniously implicate you as the mastermind behind the whole thing just so he can laugh while you get raped in jail. His mind is fucking sick and depraved and these are the lengths he'll go to.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and RIP James. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2010.07.15-21.05 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Sit, Ubu, sit... Good dog!
So who is else is having a good week? It's been one where I've just sort of coasted through unabated with little to no annoyances. The phone has barely made a peep and the most perplexing problems were what to cook for dinner [went with this]. The weather has been awesome and in case you were wondering I grow more excited by the day about impending holidays... less than a month now dammit.
Found this in the letterbox a couple of weeks back. I have no idea who Billy or Christopher are but I hope he got the job.
We had a council rubbish collection recently. For anyone who doesn't have them it's simple - dump all your shit on the front lawn and they come haul it away. This in turn brings out the scabs [from the poor suburbs] that drive around in shitty old cars sifting through the junk piles. The shit they loot is usually on sold the next weekend at swap meets. You could probably say all credit to them for recycling or whatever but it's a personal choice to hate them.
Anyway back to the story - it absolutely baffles me how stupid the people throwing shit out for collection are. It's not uncommon to see a crappy old TV discarded... sitting right next to a box for a 50inch LCD. The same with computers and notebook boxes and various other modern must have's. Now if you were a crim, walking through a working-class suburb in the middle of the day, how hard would it be to pick a place to rob?
I'm paranoid about this stuff. Why make it any easier for the bad guys than you had to? It's been a while since I bought a TV but believe me the box was cut up into little pieces and put in the bin away from prying eyes. Same applies for pretty much anything with my name or address on it - all finely shredded because I value my privacy and don't particularly want my identity stolen. Don't really know why I'm ranting [read: preaching] here... apathetic neighbours leaving clues as to the riches contained within deflects the attention away from those who aren't so all good...
Okay moving on to the life that is mine... starting with Friday. For no apparent reason other than I was over that way, I decided to check my PO Box. It's been a good 18 months, if not longer, because mail redirection takes care of everything so you can imagine my surprise to find 30+ new items. And suddenly it all made sense - when I accidentally let the redirect lapse last year it never occurred to me that the mail I thought was lost, was actually going to the box.
That sparked a frenzy. A significant chunk of the weekend was spent tackling the mountainous pile of papers and crap on my desk that have been building for ages. After a few hours shopping Saturday morning I sat down to get it sorted - opened dozens of bills and various letters, read, sorted and filed [... and traded insults with my friend Ray over messenger]. Probably good that I did too... there were a few crucial ones in the bunch. House insurance which lapsed a month ago was quickly paid as were electricity and water bills which seemingly were close to disconnection. Ooops.
As much as I'm ashamed to admit it, I stayed home and watched The Proposal that night... and thought it was kind of okay not bad. Don't get me wrong - no chance of me becoming a devotee of the 'romcom' genre any time soon but it was surprisingly good for a change.
Sunday was a continuation of the paperwork minimisation exercise and by mid afternoon I was 100% up to date on everything... even as far as having my tax stuff sorted ahead of time. Honestly the last time that happened is beyond living memory. I can now cast my eyes across the desk and see nothing but manky, food-stained MDF. Itchy feet later in the day it was time to go for a quick cruise. Not a bad thing to do on a rainy afternoon and stretched into a couple of hours.
Alright let's get on with the cool shit. Anyone with half a brain has likely scrolled past this long ago but for anyone still reading I assure you this week's update is superb. Check it...
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Robot Dance - Show Me Vagina - Hot Or Not? - Christina Hendricks - Is He Wanking? - Girls Of F1 - Gangbanged Teen
Mum's Breakdown - Hawt Horny Teens - Nicole Scherzinger - Spicy Babes - Sarah Chalke - Gimme Girls - Dorm Fuckers
Vicki Blows - Living The Dream - Aussie Hottie - Butt Sex - Straight Teeth - Classy Ho's - Incredible Bod - Jesus In Porn
The French tennis player, Nicolas Mahut, who lost after over 11 hours of play at Wimbledon this year, is to be awarded the Legion D'Honneur, as his effort beats the previous French resistance record of 6 hours 42 minutes set in May 1940.
--
£12 million is a bit much to spend on security for the pope's visit to the UK, but if the kids are safe for a few days then it will be money well spent.
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Paddy takes his goldfish to the vet. "Me little fish, Doc... it's got epilepsy!" The vet takes a look and says; "It looks calm enough to me" Paddy says; "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet!"
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Snow eh! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself "She'll be lucky with a face like that!"
ORSM
VIDEO
THINGS NOT TO DO AT A JOB INTERVIEW
According to several sites on the net, personnel executives of 100 major American corporations were asked for stories of unusual behaviour by job applicants:
-Said he was so well qualified that if he didn't get the job, it would prove that the company's management was incompetent.
-Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.
-Brought her large dog to the interview.
-Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles.
-Candidate kept giggling through serious interview.
-She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to the music and me at the same time.
-Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.
-Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.
-Asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.
-Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer's office.
-Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of the interview.
-Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as financial vice president.
-Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
-Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.
-Wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police.
-When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.
-Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him.
-Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.
-Took a brush out of my purse, brushed his hair and left.
-Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.
-Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to insure that the offer was formal.
-Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much.
-While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centrefold.
-During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologised and said he had to leave for another interview.
-A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more." I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a 'tactic' to get a higher offer.
-An applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot in the bus.
-His briefcase opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.
-He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area. He didn't want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require indoor parking for the moped.
-He took off his right shoe and sock, opened a medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day, and this was the time.
-Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.
-He whistled when the interviewer was talking.
-Asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.
-She threw up on my desk, and immediately started asking questions about the job, like nothing had happened.
-Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.
-Asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview.
| STUNNING: ELENA RIVERA |
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A local charity realised that the organisation had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the charity rep mumbled, "Um... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"OR that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "... leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give those bastards any money, what makes you think I'll give any to you!?!"
ORSM
VIDEO
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: "what in the world are you doing?" The daughter replied: "Mum, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: "Dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Just go away and leave me alone!"
A couple of days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip , placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: "What the fuck are you doing?" The husband replied: "I'm watching football with my son-in-law."
| SEX |
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The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do."
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
| MISS AMERICA |
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READER MAIL
Ever submitted to Orsm before? It's not a big deal, matter of fact it's just like after you've had sex for the first time - it gets better and better. So what am I looking for here? Well obviously the more highly entertaining, thought provoking, sardonic, everything/nothing the better but I'll happily settle for boobs, jokes, random pics and funny videos. Simply click here to make it happen.
Corey wrote:
Subject: Online news f-up
Not to be a little bitch, but this isn't a f-up ... Notice the first number is for 30 years worth of killings, including Saddam killing his own, the Iran-Iraq war, the first Gulf War, etc. The 2nd is a number for just the latest US led invasion. Not necessarily agreeing with either number, but gives someone something to think about the horrid situation this country was in before the US went in - not saying its gotten that much better yet. |
Patrick wrote:
Subject: TX not AZ
Hey man, Love the site, but I can't let someone in Arizona claim something that Rick Perry, the governer of TX did. |
martin wrote:
Subject: i got sumtin again... for ya:
yes it is true. this girl died from boning herself with the old dildo. so many good jokes in this story... "my kinda girl", "she did a killer clit rub", "oh god have mercy on the internet generation when now you can die from wanking" but what i find REALLY disturbing is that the UK press opted to divulge the poor girls full name. haha thats so sick. gotta be cruel being her parents or something. |
Dan wrote:
Subject: Someone at Reuters was having a fun day
Screendump from Tired Gay succumbs to Dix in 200 meters. Thought this might fit in RS. Keep up the good work!
No way that was accidental. -Orsm |
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terry wrote:
Subject: Sooooooo How Hot Is It in Epsom, NH?
How hot is it in Epsom NH? This says it all....... |
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Erik wrote:
Subject: just sendin a little somethin
this is real
Proof that God does not love everybody. -Orsm
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< with held> wrote:
Subject: hi
Was just checkingout MFC and stumbled across this. Thought you might like it. please hide enail, keep up the good work. |
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T wrote:
Subject: funny pics
"America says" is something I saw online. "Canada says" is one I made. Funny northern hemisphere crap. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Google
HI There. Love the site. Was doing a search on Google and they gave me the attached suggestion. I hope u can use. Please keep info private. Keep up the great work. |
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OneMan wrote:
Subject: Wild Hog Problem Gone
I don't know what to make of this email, so i'll let you decide... The West Texas Farmer below had a feral-pig (wild hog) problem. Wild hogs will ruin a farm! The word "Had" is the key here! How do you get this many pigs? Kinda makes my .22 rifle seem like a waste of time............ |
Greg wrote:
Subject: YOU BROKE YOU COLLAR BONE HOW????
This is a cracker. Read this article. You couldn't make this up if you tried--this is from the Brush Colorado News Tribune. |
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OneMan wrote:
Subject: Beach Fishing Gone Wrong!
It pays to do a little research before choosing a camp site.... Oh What a Feeling!
Guess they'd want to be selling that thing pretty quickly upn returning home.. -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ex Girlfriend
Great girl took it everywhere. No details thanks |
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OneMan wrote:
Subject: New Police Car in USA
Wow looks pretty wild. Hope it goes as fast as it looks? Police car with a turbo diesel engine producing 300 horsepower with a top speed of 155mph (249kph). Made by a company called Carbon Motors in USA. |
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Terry wrote:
Subject: TWO FRIENDS
After losing his parents, this 3 year old orangutan was so depressed he wouldn't eat and didn't respond to any medical treatments. The veterinarians thought he would surely die from sadness. The zoo keepers found an old sick dog on the grounds in the park at the zoo where the orangutan lived and took the dog to the animal treatment center. The dog arrived at the same time the orangutan was there being treated. The 2 lost souls met and have been inseparable ever since. |
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OneMan wrote:
Subject: HELMETS
THE LATEST MOTOR BIKE HELMETS |
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V wrote:
Subject:
Some people collect stamps...
What they found in a Mexican drug lord's home after they raided it...
So crime DOES pay. By the way I think these pics are cobbled together from different busts... some we have seen before. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: My Skanky GF
Hi Orsm. Great site.. been reading for a looong time. First time contributor. Here are some pics of my sexy Fiance She will be stoked to have them up. Lets see what your readers think Please hide the details |
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Henry wrote:
Subject: Some stuff to use
Hi Orsm, Some signs and stuff from South Africa. |
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Terry wrote:
Subject: Yosemite National Park, California , USA
The spectacular view of the waterfall is created by the reflection of sunlight hitting the falling water at a specific angle. This rare sight can only be seen during a 2-week period towards the end of Feburary. To photograph this rare event, photographers would often have to wait and endure years of patience in order to capture it. However, someone DID and we all get to see them!!! |
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Steven wrote:
Subject: all aboard
The biggest ship in the world pics |
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Rowan wrote:
Subject: Medupi Power Station - Ellisras
This is why South Africas electricity bills are so high. This annoys the crap out of me, it is disgusting to say the least... [continues] |
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Teresa wrote:
Subject: very sweet pussy indeed
great fuck sqirts from time to time |
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Ross wrote:
Subject: Kit Kat or Big Kat?
Yum! Ingredients: 30 x Sainsbury's or Lindt Luxury Belgian Milk Chocolate. 3 x ScotBlok Chocolate Flavour Cake Covering. 6 x Loacker Quadratini chocolate wafers. 1 x Wallpaper dipping trough. 1 x Sticky backed vinyl floor tile. Vital Statistics: Size L 59cm x W 17cm x H 12cm. 45,888 Calories. 1860g saturated fat. 1120 Weight Watchers points (this equates to 3 months worth of a daily allowance for a woman). Cost $74.42 |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Chicks Dig the Cup - Final
This will be my last FIFA World Cup 2010 submission.... unless another set if pics is discovered. Hope you enjoyed them.
Cheers dude. -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: FUA is born
Love the site... here's my contribution. Please withhold my info.
This is probably one of the worst things I've ever seen. YOU HAVE ALL BEEN WARNED. -Orsm
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| DARE DORM |
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ORSM
VIDEO
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book. He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a biker gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tyre iron from the boot and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!""
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?" "Err... about two minutes ago..."
| SEXY SAMMIE RHODES |
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|
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The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realised that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. So one day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
"When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly beat the Russian dog.
"When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. Our best people worked for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves." "That's nothing!" an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund!"
| SOME PEOPLE HAVE FAR TOO MUCH SPARE TIME |
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A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
"Well now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers." Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'OK buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'"
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
| BOBBI BLAIR |
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When I was recently on holidays I finally got around to going fishing this morning on the Burnett River, Bundaberg, with Barry an old Army mate, but after a while we ran out of worms.
Then I saw a King Brown snake with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. I grabbed my trusty bottle of Bundaberg Rum (a Bundy Boy never travels without it) and poured a little rum in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the river without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.
A little later I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.
ORSM
VIDEO
And with that I am done. Did you enjoy that? If the answer is no then do this:
- Check out the site archives. They're incredibly incredible.
- Next update will be next Thursday because I am too stubborn to change.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will eat you whole. Don't laugh... that guy loves to eat and I've seen him do it.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and just so you know - I knew first. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2010.07.08-21.35 |
|
Welcome to Orsm.net. Seems we've progressed to a hug and kiss-on-cheek relationship. I don't even know her name...
Amazingly somehow found myself bored a few times this past week. Short-lived that it was, it's a rare occurrence. Even more unusual is I'm slowly managing to get on top of the 'to do' pile. The last couple of updates for instance have been finished early enough that boring crap like food shopping can be done on a Thursday night. That in turn leaves more time free on Friday and/or Saturday to do whatever I want. This is how you normal people who work normal jobs and live normal lives do it right? I've resented you all for so long and now look at me.
Alright let's jump right to what's been going on. It's not exactly riveting but like everyone else I just want someone to care what I think thereby filling the void in my life and validating my existence. On the other hand, save yourself from the mediocrity and just scroll down...
After doing the obligatory morning exercise session in an incredibly ridiculous 0.6°C it was home for a shower and straight back out the door. First on the agenda was car shopping... not for me [no plans to put you guys through just yet...] but for my sis. We headed north to where there's a huge pocket of all the major car brands to see what's good as far as mid-size SUV's go.
There was no real plan of attack - just go door to door and see what's out there that's within the budget. We hit Toyota first, then Holden, then Hyundai and soon worked out that it's possible to save yourself countless hours researching online and reading brochures by simply telling salespeople at other dealerships what you've been looking at. Example - we went to Mazda, got crash-tackled by a saleswoman and told her we'd just looked at the Holden Captiva. "Captiva?" she said "More like CRAP-tiva. Made by Daewoo. I'd never buy one of those". Good to know and if you repeat the tactic at each dealership you can pretty quickly work out what's good and what's shit. All that remains then is to choose from the remaining few that haven't been completely bagged and pick a colour.
From there it was shopping to get stuff sorted for the night ahead then off to fix a friends computer which swallowed the best part of my afternoon. Someone please remind me to change my mobile number or move the fuck away - it's the only way I'll stop being bugged with printer installs and "a window keeps popping up" annoyances.
Saturday night was a Rubik's Cube themed birthday party. I'll start by saying I detest costume/theme parties in all forms. There are at least 67 million other things I'd rather be doing than trawling through Op Shops looking for shitty old clothes. That said, this one actually turned out to be good fun. The idea was to wear as many items of clothing and accessories as possible in different [Rubik's] colours. When everyone has arrived you then have to swap items until you are one solid colour. I probably should have read the invite though because showing up in a grey striped shirt and telling people I was colour blind kind of missed the point...
Funnily enough the night marked a new peak in my own hypocrisy. Remember a few weeks back I called into question the sexuality of and scarf-wearing male? WELL... while all the colour swapping shenanigans were going on a scarf was flung around my neck and due to how utterly freezing it was I didn't resist. Sure enough, five minutes later I'd achieved a level of toasty practically unseen for months. I'm not ready to come out of the closet and walk down the street wearing one just yet but I did take the bad boy home with me and it has been used since. Hopefully this won't change the way you guys feel about me. Equal rights for scarf wearers!
After kicking off for a brisk 7am walk on an even colder morning than the day before it was car washing time... the idea being that starting early would leave the whole day free. Bad, bad idea. You can hose the car down no problems but the moment you put your hands anywhere near cold water in that weather is the moment you truly understand pain... albeit self-inflicted. Anyway once that was all done -my baby clean and shiny- I focused activities on the garden for a while and in particular the fallen leaves covering everything. Seriously... wasn't autumn supposed to happen months ago?
Once all the around-the-house crap was done I hit the city to meet a mate for a coffee then did my standard Sunday pilgrimage to Fremantle to find a pungent, imported cheese and some more coffee. Honestly if I were a man of leisure its how I'd spend every day.
And with that we should get busy with the good stuff. Just in time too - the update is a fucking pearler but I'll let you guys see for yourselves. Check it...
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A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your cunt?" "Fuck off, no you can't smell my cunt!" the woman yells back at him. "Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then".
--
A young army private was home on leave. He was talking to his father about his experience at jump school while learning to be a paratrooper. "Dad," he says, "on my first jump, I froze up at the door of the plane. A big black master sergeant standing behind me told me that if I didn't jump, he was gonna cram all 12 inches of dick up my ass." "Well, did you jump?" asks the father. "Well... just a little at first" he said...
--
A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to him. "No," he says. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event, and not use it?" "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married. "Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral..."
SOCCER: THE WORLD GAME [PART III]
Now for the third and final instalment in the Soccer Girls series. There's a few decent ones in this bunch too so I'm expecting smiles all round. Check it...
TIPS ON HOW TO MASTURBATE
IF YOU'RE A FEMALE...
1. Get something small if it's your first time, like a lip gloss container. Make sure it's got a rounded tip.
2. Put a little water on it.
3. Get yourself on the ground or your bed. Make sure you're comfortable.
4. Put your feet up on something. Make sure they are higher than your head. Spread your legs.
5. For the ultimate experience, relax first. Just lay there. Think about nothing. And DONT BE NERVOUS.
6. Slowly begin to touch your breasts. Feel them (have your eyes closed or open but if they are open make sure you're not focusing on anything).
7. Keep one hand on your breast and slowly move the other one down to your thigh. (I did not have underwear but I was wearing pants and a shirt, loose pants. Move your hand up and down your thigh while massaging your breast.
8. With your breast hand, slowly take the lip gloss container or your object of choice. Your clit might start to get a weird feeling like you really want to touch it. DON'T.
9. Tease yourself with the object by gently rubbing the spot between your poophole and vagina. This will drive you nuts. Slowly begin to touch and massage the part right above the hole. (I suggest you know where it is before you start all this).
10. Rub for a while. Gently, occasionally harder but not too hard yet.
11. At this point you should be aching to rub harder and just get going. Again, don't. If you do not feel this yet, continue the teasing, very gently.
12. Slowly move your fingers to the hole, don't put them in, but just finger it softly.
13. Take your object and place it near the hole and your other hand. Take your free hand off the hole and start to massage your clit harder. (That's the spot above the hole.
14. Slowly stick the object in. Gently, it shouldn't feel good yet. It might hurt a small amount going in. That means you've bumped a sensitive spot. That's not a bad thing, just angle it a little and keep going.
15. Once it's in as far as it can be without losing it to your pussy, begin slowly moving it in and out a little. Don't take it all the way out, just a little. Get faster, and faster. Start massaging your clit HARD. Go nuts. You might feel like you're on the brink of an orgasm. You might have one. This feels very good.
16. Then stick it in all the way and start pushing it back and forth hitting the sides of your hole. Faster, faster. Massage clit again.
17. Repeat steps 15 and 16 as much as you want. If you take it out for longer than 30 seconds, I suggest you excite yourself again with the teasing. If you do, it will be worse. Since you have already done it, you're going to want it worse.
18. I would stop with the lip gloss for now, don't go on to something bigger. Save that for another night. You could be sore after this but you shouldn't be unless you used something large.
IF YOU'RE A MALE...
1. Read this.
2. Rub penis.
| SAMMIE AND JESSICA MAKE YOUR DAY |
 |
|
There's a man who has fifty inch long penis. But he can't get any sex, because every woman who sees it faints at the sight. So he goes to the doctor and begs him to shorten it. But the doctor refuses - he can't shorten a perfectly good penis, he tells the man, but he does happen to know a witch who lives in the forest. She might be able to help.
Because he's so desperate he decides he'll go and see her, though of course he thinks it's all a bit odd. But he sets off into the forest and sure enough finds the witch sitting in front of her cottage casting spells. "Witch," he says, "please help me, I have a fifty inch long penis and no one will have sex with me!"
She takes one look at his massive cock and then says, "You do need my help. But you must go into the forest and find the magic frog that lives in the pond. Ask him to marry you, and each time he refuses, your penis will shrink by ten inches!"
Weird though this is, the man is desperate, so off he goes into the forest. And, sure enough, he finds the magic frog singing quietly to itself. "Froggy," he shouts, "please marry me!" The frog looks up, annoyed. "No!" he croaks, "I can't do that, seeing as how I'm a frog and you're a man." The guy looks down - sure enough, his penis has shrunk by ten inches! It's still a bit long for sex, he thinks, at forty inches, but he's delighted, so he shouts back at the frog: "Oh, go on, please marry me!"
"No - I told you once!" the frog croaks, "I can't do that!" The man looks down - sure enough, his penis has shrunk by ten inches again! It's now only thirty inches long! The guy thinks this is wonderful but, still, another ten inches off would be perfect!
"Frog," he roars across the pond, "please marry me!" The frog looks extremely annoyed, shakes his head and shouts, "No.......... NO.......... AND FOR THE LAST TIME.......... NO!"
ORSM
VIDEO
IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING WHY...
CALIFORNIA
The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out, bites the Governor and attacks his dog.
1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realises he should stop. The coyote is only doing what is natural.
2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.
4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is free of dangerous animals.
6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a 'coyote awareness' program for residents of the area.
7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not having stopped the attack somehow and for letting the Governor attempt to intervene.
9. Additional cost to State of California: $75,000 to hire and train a new security agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.
10. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files suit against the State.
ARIZONA
The Governor of Arizona is jogging with her dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks her dog.
1. The Governor shoots the coyote with her state-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.
And THAT'S why California is broke.
| MARIA SHARAPOVA |
 |
|
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison". And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.
Afterwards, he lies back on the bed, totally spent.
She nudges him playfully and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again..." Limply turning his head, he yells, "HEY IT'S NOT A FUCKING LIFE SENTENCE YOU KNOW!"
| OOOPS...! |
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|
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READER MAIL
Talk about you fat mailbags. Last time I saw something this size is when my friend Ray came over with his ego. Please keep the submissions flowing. My self-worth is directly linked to how many people send me email so slow weeks can sometimes end up with some mild self harm.
Ever submitted to Orsm before? It's not a big deal, matter of fact it's just like after you've had sex for the first time - it gets better and better. So what am I looking for here? Well obviously the more highly entertaining, thought provoking, sardonic, everything/nothing the better but I'll happily settle for boobs, jokes, random pics and funny videos. Simply click here to make it happen.
Steven wrote:
Subject: NIGERIA'S FAILURE AT THE WORLD CUP
After Nigeria's participation in the 2010 world cup in South Africa, with their performance being what can only be described as an embarrassing disappointment, the Nigerian government has offered to reimburse all of their travelling fans for their match tickets, flights and accommodation costs. To benefit from this refund, please supply authentic copies of :- tickets, passports, credit card statements and bank account details, please include you mothers maiden name for identification purposes. |
Gonzo wrote:
Subject: Thoughts of a dry mind in a dry season
A couple of amusing qoutes---
"Anyone can win, unless there happens to be a second entry" -George Ade
"The exception proves the rule" -George Ade
"One woman's sexual harrassment is another woman's night off". -Karen Walker (Megan Mullally) Will and Grace
"Some days you're the dog, other days you're the hydrant" -Unknown
"Ask a stupid person a stupid question, and you're going to get a stupid answer" -Unknown
Thanks for your great site. It makes Thursdays tolerable. |
Luis wrote:
Subject: Smiley Brunette
The Smiley Brunette looks like Ashley Galvan from So you think you can dance. Same smile.
Same hair. Same everything. Look it up. |
DtM wrote:
Subject: Commentary on the WCE vs Pies games
"Everybody makes mistakes but tonight the eagles have abused the privilege".
Following an 83 point thrashing that about sums it up. -Orsm |
V wrote:
Subject: PM does a Flying Start
A little shocked when I picked up the rolled newspaper. Remember: always unroll the whole newspaper before reading the headline about the new Prime Minister... |
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V wrote:
Subject: Kevin and the new girls on the block
You expect this treatment from now on in the Labor Party if you are naughty. And I've been a very naughty boy already.... |
 |
Greg wrote:
Subject: Ute
Hi everyone, Now this is what happens when you can't count. Half tonne Ute with over a 2 tonne load! DOH! BROKEN! This was taken last week on Old Northern Road Albany Creek, Brisbane but not sure who by. It has about 2 tonnes of concrete blend and 200kg bags of cement in the back. A very expensive exercise, as a Department of Transport vehicle also arrived at some stage probably to offload a hefty fine |
 |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: facebook boobs
found these browsing through some random album on facebook...and thought of you! no details thx!
This is exactly what FB should be for. -Orsm
|
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David wrote:
Subject: Emailing
FHM Apr 04 AU and FHM Feb 04 UK
Story recycling fail. -Orsm
|
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: online news f-up
Mr. Orsm - LOVE your site. Someone in the middle east needs to do a better job of copy
editing or calculations. Either number is bad, but one is a hell of a lot worse. |
 |
Muttman wrote:
Subject: Truck
Truck runs over aboriginal between Bundaberg and Cairns
Terribly racist. Anyone [else] who laughs at this is going to hell. -Orsm
|
 |
Greg wrote:
Subject: Glad we got a Ute
Shepparton driver fined $478 after being caught with furniture hanging out of his window...
What seems to be the problem, Officer? -Orsm
|
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Dale wrote:
Subject: Mobile Phone for Seniors
At Last, a Mobile Phone for Seniors! You REALLY have to be OLD to appreciate THIS joke |
 |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Some bullshit for you to consider???
Hi ORSM. See Breaking news in the attachment. U.S. General Stanley McChrystal said too much to the Rolling Stone mag so they sacked him replaced him with General Petraeus and Perthnow.com.au report he has made a start that will see him sacked soon also. I guess if Paris Hilton has gone to drugs now and is no longer showing us what she had for breakfast why shouldn't another American show the world the junk in his trunk !!! Osama Bin Laden must to LOL !!! if he reads Perthnow |
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Shane wrote:
Subject: Just so we're clear...
I can let my neighbour's three year old play with this..?
Whoa. Inappropriate alert. -Orsm
|
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Swimming Safety Reminder
Though a chill is in the air down under, here in the USA the summer is blazing! Trolling your links on 7/1 my little eye spied something out of the ordinary in this pic. It reminded me that we must alway urge caution to swimmers, particularly the young and inexperienced. No matter how clear the water may seem, what lies submerged may present hazard!! Hide my details, lol! |
 |
OneMan wrote:
Subject: Lady Selling Lemonade on the Beach...
... reportedly clearing $250 USD per day). The Psychology of business is to "know what your customers want!". This guy probably does not know what he is drinking, nor does he care... because he is after something more than sugared down lemon juice. Reportedly for $10-USD a try, you will see when you finish sucking. So who says making money is tough? The jobs are out there!!! |
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Yet Another Racist Attack
when is it all going to end!!!!!! |
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Doug wrote:
Subject: Maths question
I have a Maths Question for you, How do you divide $750,843 into two equal parts without using a calculator? See attached picture.
That'd be one way to do it... -Orsm
|
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Dubs wrote:
Subject: Matsuri today
Cool new drive thru.....
Incredible that no one died. Video here. -Orsm
|
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Terry wrote:
Subject: RAF
RAF aircraft fly low through the Dinas Pass, known as the Mach Loop in Snowdonia, Wales |
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OneMan wrote:
Subject: Green energy is the way to go!!!
WHAT WE DON'T SEE OR HEAR ABOUT....... Boy they really burn good don't they. |
 |
Terry wrote:
Subject: Cowboy bull hauler
Cowboy bull hauler Or Who needs a trailer? If I'd seen this, I don't think I could drive because I would be laughing too hard. I notice that this old boy stuck to two lane and gravel roads. For all you yokels, what does NHD mean? No harm done? He bought the bull in Kansas and headed to Tulsa, Oklahoma. Even Ripley might have trouble believing this one. |
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OneMan wrote:
Subject: The Motorcycle of the Future Has Arrived
This is the MotoCzysz E1PC. It is electric. It is almost certainly the most advanced motorcycle on the planet. And it is the future. This bike is bad-ass, no two ways about it. It has a custom-built 12.5-kilowatt-hour lithium polymer battery that can be swapped in seconds. The custom-built, oil-cooled motor generates 100 horsepower (continuous) and 250 pound-feet of torque. It all hangs from a custom frame. Of course, it's got the usual top-shelf hardware. Ohlins. Brembo. You know the drill. |
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V wrote:
Subject: Trivia
Some Hidden Information contained in Famous Logos |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Leta
Time to post 'em! Craaaaaaaaaaaaazy motherfucker from Corinth, MS named Lee... withhold
my shit, etc..... Led me on and on and on. Oh well. Fuck her. |
 |
Dan wrote:
Subject: Cool old find
My Uncle started corresponding with Bud Care while trying to find out what happened to Lt. Ralph K. Hoffer. Bud Care was an ace with the 4th Fighter Group in Europe. He scored 6 aerial victories and one on the ground. He had no children so sent my Uncle his pictures, medals, wings, and patches. My Uncle died of cancer 10 years ago and while cleaning out some boxes in his office we found some these. The warning for reckless flying was classic. The family donated most of it to the USAF museum a few years ago. I thought maybe the ORSM regulars might like this. Cheers from Indiana. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Chicks Dig the Cup
Here are some more pics I have found this tournament. Use them as you see fit. Will send more later in the tourney. ....also some remnant from the First Round as well as the Round of 16. |
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Gordon wrote:
Subject: Sprite...
The German Sprite commercial that didn't make it to America ..gosh, I wonder why not?
How could anyone have a problem with this? -Orsm |
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| DARE DORM |
 |
|
ORSM
VIDEO
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family." "It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ." "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!" "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!" "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathised the Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!" "So that"s when you cursed...?" said the Mother with a knowing smile.
"Nope, that wasn"t it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "Missed the fucking putt didn't you?"
| JASMINE BYRNE |
 |
|
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Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually as she passed on by. They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," and started to walk away. One of the priest's couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady." "Yes, Father?" "We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?" She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.
| FROM FAT TO FIT |
 |
|
A man is sitting in a bar and notices two lovely women across the way. He calls the bartender over and says, "I'd like to buy those two beautiful ladies a drink." The bartender replies, "It won't do you any good." The man, with a confused look on his face says, "I don't care what you think, I want to buy those ladies a drink."
The bartender delivers drinks to the ladies and the women acknowledge their drinks with a nod of their heads. Twenty minutes later, the man approaches the ladies and says, "I'd like to buy you two another drink."
The women both reply, "It won't do you any good." The man says, "I don't understand. What do you mean it won't do me any good?" The first lady says, "We're lesbians."
The man replies, "Lesbians? What are lesbians?" The second woman replies, "Lesbians... we like to lick pussies." The man says, "Bartender, three beers for us lesbians."
| JANA H |
 |
|
It got crowded in heaven so for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?" he said to the third man in line. "Okay picture this - I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator..."
ORSM
VIDEO
All done... well all done except for this last bit which you should really read...
- Check out the site archives. Many Bothans died to bring us these archives.
- Next update will be next week. Same time. Same place. You should be able to connect the dots from there.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will drive at 100 kilometres an hour over the speed limit past the school your kids go to.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and keep your under carriage clean. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
|
| orsmupdate 2010.07.01-22.14 |
|
Welcome to Orsm.net. Thank God the PM is an atheist.
It's a new month which means I get to start with "I can't believe it's July already!". Very much been a quick week too... like I'm losing time perhaps. X Files anyone? The most amazing thing however is how far ahead I'm running and no it's not due to lack of effort. This update will undoubtedly smash all records for masturbations by viewers but I digress - for whatever reason I've been ridiculously productive. Finally reeling in the backlog and laying down the groundwork for an August getaway. Ah getaway... how I long for thee.
My only real gripe is how hard it is to conjure anything worth writing when the vast majority of my time has been spent at this damn computer. I could discuss recent stools although probably not desirable reading...? Or delve into the intriguing aspects of my interpersonal relationships with but sadly I don't think the subjects would approve... after all this isn't SITC and I don't have a horse-shaped face. No, when a slow news week happens you have to pull out old faithful - the weather...
Seriously hate to go on about it yet again but I'm so over this winter it's beyond words. That said, I'll try - we just recorded our eighth consecutive night under 5°C [41°C] and it's unbearable. I know half of you read that and rolled your eyes but keep in mind we have a Mediterranean climate so no snow, ice or shit like that. Matter of fact all it's been for the last few weeks is beautiful clear blue skies with barely a drop of rain and no wind. I'm sick of having to wear three jumpers [sweaters?] and needing two heaters on just to function. My hands and legs are cold 24/7. I keep coming back to that scene in The Day After Tomorrow where the helicopters are flying and suddenly freeze... like that's what is going to happen to me. My point? Fuck winter. Fuck winter and its stupid face.
Okay enough about me, let's talk about me some more...
Woke up early Saturday as my balls retracted up, settling uncomfortably just below my tonsils. Apparently the second coldest day since the last ice age @ -0.6°C [30°C] and coincidentally the first time in my life I've ever seen frozen grass. Best way to combat this onslaught was with some vigorous exercise so grabbed the pooch and walked up to the nearest cafe. Bad idea. That 10 minutes you stop to drink a coffee and flick through the newspaper brings your core back down and it's nigh on impossible to get started again.
The rest of Saturgay was mostly slow - shopped, caught up with a mate, cruise up the coast. Was all supposed to be a prelude to an epic night on the town but holy fucking shit when did it get so hard to muster people to go out? Everyone either had plans, away, too tired, too cold, too old or too boring. Obviously I'm at that age where my little circle has all grown up - the couples don't need or want to go out and kids take priority. All the remaining singles are no fun. [Just joking if any of you are reading... not joking if you aren't.] Anyway, dejected and desperate for companionship and acknowledgement as a human being, I did the rounds of a few friends' places so it wasn't a total loss. Getting ridiculously drunk it seems will have to wait a while until warmer times.
Started Sunday with a milestone 5 kilometre walk which was surprisingly invigorating. Funnily enough I'm finding that all the wankers over the years who told me the fitter you get the better you feel were actually right and it goes without saying I'll never tell them this. From there it was off to singlehandedly solve the world's computer problems. First a laptop then elsewhere to setup a wireless network. Easy stuff if you have elite skills [like moi] but frustrating if you suck at the internet [like them]. Tried again that afternoon to find anyone I liked enough to head down the coast with me for a coffee but again everyone otherwise occupied. Okay I only called like two people but at this rate can only be a matter of time before I logon to Facebook and just have 0 friends. Who will I stalk then!?
Alright enough of that. Surprised I stretched so little in to so much actually and believe me when I say the fun continues - the update below is an absolute cracker. Check it...
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Srsly Addictive - Bestiality Babes - Frickin' Hilarious - Extreme Hotties - Horny Drunk Teens - Flipping-out - Soccer Orgy
How Not To Do It - Athletics Godess - Tastiest WAGs - How Much For A BJ? - Pamela Anderson - TINY Bikini - He's Back!
Delicious Tits - Sexy & Funny - Salma's Cleav - Real Tron Bike - Cute Lil' AT-AT - Republican Dummies - Movie Monsters
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs... enough times till her husband says... "Are you wearing crotch less panties?" "Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile. "Thank God for that... I thought you were sitting on the cat."
--
I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous! I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can." I said, "I think my penis tastes funny..."
--
My girlfriend asked me last night if I pee in the shower. I tell her "Yeah, sometimes, accidently." She goes “Ooh, that's disgusting. What do you mean accidently?" I tell her "Well that happens sometimes when you're having a shit!"
--
I have just been sacked from my new job in the wines and spirits section at Woolworths. A Muslim man came in and asked if I could recommend a good port. I said "Try Kuwait - now fuck off!"
SOCCER: THE WORLD GAME [PART II]
Continuing on from the photosets posted last week, here is the second part although this time the girls are presented nude, naked and au naturel on video. There's still a bunch more which I'll get to next update but in the mean time enjoy. Check it...
QUOTABLE QUOTES
Women still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten the last.
-Remy de Gourmant (French writer)
A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks. A woman loses hers after four kisses.
-H.L. Mencken
When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.
-Warren Farrell (Psychologist)
Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
-B. Johnson
Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
-Carrie Snow
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
-Dolly Parton
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
-Erica Jong
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
-Wendy Liebman
Men get laid, but women get screwed.
-Quentin Crisp (English writer)
When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.
-Frederick Ryder
Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.
-Billy Crystal.
I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I, a microwave?
-Beverly Mickins (Comedienne)
A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's. Her sexual desire, four times, her intelligence, eight times.
-Sanskrit proverb
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
-Jerry Seinfeld
We got new advice as to what motivated man to walk upright - to free his hands for masturbation.
-Jane Wagner
You know why God is a man? Because if God was a woman she would have made sperm taste like chocolate.
-Carrie Snow
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
-Erma Bombeck
If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them.
-Sue Grafton
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne
I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT?
- Wendy Liebman
I think therefore I'm single.
-Lizz Winstead
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
-Elayne Boosler
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
-Gloria Steinem
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?
-Linda Ellerbee
Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
-Joey Adams
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
-Aldous Huxley
Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.
-Ronald Reagan
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
- Woody Allen
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
-Joseph Fischer
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
-Swami X
Statistics are like bikinis. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
-Aaron Levenstein
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
-Anonymous
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
-Phyllis Diller
When a man says he had pleasure with a woman he does not mean conversation.
-Samuel Johnson
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
-Oscar Wilde
Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.
-Al Bundy
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
-David Bissonette
If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
-Johnny Carson
If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
-Chekhov
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. the older she gets the more interested he is in her.
-Agatha Christie
Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.
-Irwin Corey
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.
-Ken Dodd
I know nothing about sex, because I was always married.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
-Sacha Guitry
The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can.
-Margo Kaufman
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
-Sam Kinison
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-Groucho Marxv
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
-Jackie Mason
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.
-James Holt McGavran
A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.
-Ogden Nash
When you see what some girls marry, you realise how they must hate to work for a living.
-Helen Rowland
Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
-Rita Rudner
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
-Lana Turner
We had a lot in common. I loved him and he loved him.
-Shelley Winters
I take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way back.
-Henny Youngman
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron.
-George Carlin
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
-Carol Leifer
A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.
-Shelley Berman
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
-Billiam Coronel
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
-Dave Edison
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
-Steve Bluestone
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.
-Rita Rudner
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
-Johnny Carson
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.
-Will Rogers
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
-Elayne Boosler
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
-John Mendoza
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
-Rita Mae Brown
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
-Jerry Seinfeld
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
-Lily Tomlin
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..."
-Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
-Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
-Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol; caffeine, sugar and fat.
-Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness... but does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
-Spike Milligan
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
-Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
-Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-WC Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
-Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-Billy Crystal
| THE ABSOLUTELY SPECTAULAR GEORGIA JONES |
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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
ORSM
VIDEO
Once, there was a man who was so upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the priest.
"Father, I am sinful." "Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you.""Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her. "That's bad my boy, fortunately you realise your mistake."
He continues "Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too." "That's not very good of you."
And again "Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too. "Father?... Father?"
Suddenly this guy realised that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Priest was not there. So he began searching for him. "Father? Where are you?"
He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano. "Father, why are you hiding here?" "Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."
| BRAZILIAN GODESS |
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My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dental diploma, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with the same name had been in my secondary school class some 30-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked hHim if he had attended Morgan park secondary school.
"Yes, yes I did. I'm a Morganner!" he beamed with pride. "When did you leave to go to college?" I asked. He answered, "In 1965. Why do you ask?" "You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely. Then that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat arsed, grey haired, decrepit, bastard asked... "What did you teach?"
| THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING |
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READER MAIL
Ever submitted to Orsm before? It's not a big deal, matter of fact it's just like after you've had sex for the first time - it gets better and better. So what am I looking for here? Well obviously the more highly entertaining, thought provoking, sardonic, everything/nothing the better but I'll happily settle for boobs, jokes, random pics and funny videos. Simply click here to make it happen.
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Debunked dragster facts debunked!
In reply to El Duder's so called "debunked" facts, quite a few of his corrections are WRONG! [continues]
Whodathought this would be so contentious? No more replies will be posted on this one... let's all just agree dragsters are fast and stuff. -Orsm |
Ross wrote:
Subject: Twin engineed Camira!
Not sure why anybody would bother to go to the trouble and expense of doing this! |
Arno wrote:
Subject: Red backed spider pics
Hi. Love the site. Those pics of the red backed spider are bullshit. The spider is a black widow spider from South Africa and the snake is an Aurora house snake (Lamprohis aurora) which if you google them both you will see that's what they are. The pictures were taken a number of years ago in Bloemfontein South Africa. I have the whole series if this interests you. |
jon wrote:
Subject: at weezer i fell out of a 5 story tree.. someone recorded me so heres the video
been a fan for like 6 years or so man.. cant really count haha.. but here's a video of me falling at a weezer show this year at bonnaroo from about 25-30 ft up in front of 80,000 ppl.. it was bound to end up on youtube. a friend fount it and showed me.. so here ya go! |
The Weaver wrote:
Subject: see attached
This has got to be the lamest film credit ever.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pic
Here's how ASDA/Walmart manage to make so much money.
Can't help but wonder how many for three... -Orsm
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T-Polony wrote:
Subject: Temperature Gauge this morning
How cold was it this morning in Perth?? Now that's cold! Hell blue balling :-)
Not the only one... -Orsm
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Cattle Guards: Liberals at work in BC
Your government at work... you will love this one, I haven't stop laughing yet..... For those of you who have never traveled to the west, or southwest, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not step on the "guards," probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails.
A few months ago, British Columbia Premier Gordon Campbell received and was reading a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in BC. BC ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Agriculture Minister to fire half of the "cattle" guards immediately!! Before the Minister could respond and presumably try to straighten him out, Leader of the Oppostion Carol James, intervened with a request that.. before any "cattle" guards were fired, they must be given six months of retraining. And these guys are running our Province?, OMG!! |
STEPHEN wrote:
Subject: Len
Old girlfriend of mine...
GREAT bod. -Orsm
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Steve wrote:
Subject: great deal on Ebay
Hi orsm, fancy being christened that, anyway found this on EBay, what a great deal, and only $12.95 + $6.95 postage and like the Ad says they normally retail for $18.95, better get on it quick there are going to sell out |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: fortune pussy
Hey Hey... LOVE the site. Check out the fortune cookie. Please do NOT use my name. Thanks!!
And how did it taste...? -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Socceroos lose...
This was on The Age website this morning after the Socceroos win, seems like Schwartzer spilled a crossed ³cum shot²... And who says soccer is gay? Hide my details please! |
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Stuart wrote:
Subject: Actually...
... the lino may have been correct. A new photo just in:
WC is a farce. -Orsm
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Ted wrote:
Subject: Photo
Saw the attached photo on a van parked near my work. Thought it was appropriate. Great website. Keep up the awesome work. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Hazard report
At 1st I thought it was a joke......
Animals. We've all worked with them. -Orsm
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Sid wrote:
Subject: "Ladies Home Journal"
Sitting in a doctors office, I saw this cover and thought the rag would only be about 3 pages long if it were written by a man. [continues] |
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Tom wrote:
Subject: G20
So much for the peaceful Canadian G20; we should have had it up by Great Slave Lake, way out in the boonies. Attached pic would have made things better. |
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xitz wrote:
Subject: Kevin
The queue at Centrelink |
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Beep wrote:
Subject: Nothing like a fast response
Got to hand it to Ikea for this one . Published the day after Ruddy was replaced.
Ingenious. -Orsm |
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Terry wrote:
Subject: POLITICAL SPIN - AUSTRALIAN WAY
No matter what side of the AISLE you're on, THIS is FUNNY and VERY telling! It just all depends on how you look at same things. [continues]
Not true but a good read. -Orsm
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Supaduck wrote:
Subject: Car Sex...
This photographer must have used a very powerful lens to be able to photograph this scene. Check the pictures one by one. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ex
Hello orsm, hier some Pictures of my ex girfriend. Hide info of course.
Moe than acceptable. -Orsm |
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Terry wrote:
Subject: For sale
1957 Nash Metro Snowmobile...?
The must have accessory for every hairdresser living somewhere snow. -Orsm
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Aerial Photos of AA331 overrun at KIN
American Airlines flight 331 from Miami on December 22, 2009 at the Norman Manley Airport in Kingston, Jamaica. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Chicks Dig The Cup
Here are some more pics I have found this tournament. Use them as you see fit. Will send more later in the tourney. Hide my details please.
Part I can be found here if anyone missed it last week. -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ex Girlfriend
Hey man, here are some pics and a video of my Ex GF... Hide my details please
Nice. -Orsm |
Mike wrote:
Subject: It does not matter that we did not qualify
Got this from a relative in SA.
Meh. -Orsm |
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Gordon wrote:
Subject: A definite Ah SHIT moment. GREAT VIDEO
This happened just outside New Orleans. The truck is headed towards the Mississippi river on Clearview Parkway and was about a mile from its final destination when this happened. The large girder was to be installed on the old Huey Long car and railroad bridge over the Mississippi river. I haven't heard whether or not the SUV that is seen passing on the right was hit. The last two words on the end of the video definitely describe the situation. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Name with held pls.
Somewhat disturbing. Thanks. -Orsm |
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| DARE DORM |
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ORSM
VIDEO
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm going to say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mum, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mum locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can fucking bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
| SMALL GIRL, BIG VAGINA |
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A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" The guy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I AM wearing panties!" The guy smiles, taps his watch and says... "Damn thing's an hour fast!"
| WEIRDO WEDDINGS |
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A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son: "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car." The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut. The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair... and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."
To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they walked everywhere they went?"
| BROOKE BELLE |
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A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked..."And where were you when I got married?"
ORSM
VIDEO
Okay bro's that's a wrap. Hope you enjoyed it. If not, then this:
- Check out the site archives or I'll punish you.
- Next update will be next Thursday and every Thursday after that until the end of time or I die - whichever comes first.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will give you a Pepper Stroke. Basically a handjob after handling very spicy peppers. Even if you're a guy he'll do it. Ray's not gay but he'll stop at nothing to prove a point.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and RIP Zepher. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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