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| orsmupdate 2009.07.30-21.50 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. I am frank... and frank must go.
Ouch what a shitty last few days. I'm not too sure who or what is to blame but I woke up Tuesday morning feeling like crap and it's been a downhill slide from there. Also not entirely sure what's wrong whether it be a nasty cold, flu or maybe even the unfriendly swine fuck but needless to say I am struggling. Have lost count of how many times I've fallen asleep at the computer trying to get something resembling an update sorted so with this in mind and with much, MUCH hesitance that I temporarily hand over the blogging duties over to my friend Ray. My sincere apologies...
Hi. You're going to call off your rigorous investigation. You're going to publicly state that there is no underground group. Or... these guys are going to take your balls. They're going to send one to the New York Times, one to the LA Times press-release style. Look, the people you are after are the people you depend on. We cook your meals, we haul your trash, we connect your calls, we drive your ambulances. We guard you while you sleep. Do not... fuck with us.
Who the fuck is this? Tyler Durden? No. This isn't Fight club. I'm your best friend Ray. Mr Orsm's imaginary friend. Or is he mine? Eitherway I'm back like a bad dream. Mr Orsm is sick and like the swine flu I sweep through the night... fucking your sister on your bed and eating your mums pussy while your dad is at work. You go to sleep and wake up to find I've updated your website...
So lets get started, with the rules that I have decided:
The first rule of Orsm.net is: You will tell everyone about Orsm.net
The second rule of Orsm.net is: You will tell everyone about orsm.net
Third rule: Someone yells stop, goes limp, taps out... you keep the page open.
Forth rule: Only two people to a screen.
Fith Rule: Only 1 page at a time.
Sixth Rule: No shirts, no shoes.
Seventh Rule: Random Shite will go on as long as it has to.
And the Eighth and final rule: if this is your first time on Orsm.net... you have to Random Shite.
Are you scared that I'm in control again? Don't worry; I'll bring us through this. As always. I'll carry you - kicking and screaming - and in the end you'll thank me. Ray.
If you've been reading my site for any
period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie
Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do
so... it's because Newbie
Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today.
Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes
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that love to get their gear off and show what they've got...
did I mention it's all free too? Check
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Boobtastica! - It's A Mystery - Presidente...? - Identity Crisis - Lady CaCa - Racism - Fight!!! - Robotic Blowjobs
Self Shot Hot - Vintage Keanu - Cunt-tributor - Lick The Floor - Tony's Excited - Making A Point - Crazy Crashes
Peek-A-Nip - 'Shake Weight' - High On Drugs - Miracle Salami - Bold Pitch - Air-Lout - Hurt Much? - Fish Slapped
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A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69." She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care." They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings. She says, "Answer the door." He says, "But my face is a mess." She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich." He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich." The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth... I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."
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Two fire-fighters are butt fucking in a smoke filled room. The fire chief walks in and says "What the hell is going on in here?!" The fire-fighter says "Well sir, this man has got smoke inhalation." The Chief says "Why the hell didn't you give him mouth to mouth then!?" The fire-fighter says "How do you think this shit got started?"
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Husband asks "What would you do if I won lotto?" Wife says "I'd take half of it and leave you!" Husband replies "Excellent ...I won $12, here's $6, now FUCK OFF!!"
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Hubby gets 'I Love You' tattooed on his penis and goes home to show his wife. She says "There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth."
ORSM
VIDEO
Two older, suburban, homosexual gentlemen had been living together for a couple of years, and were getting quite bored with their lives. They were looking at little knickknacks at a garage sale in the Castro, when one of them (Scott) stumbled upon what appeared to be a rare find.
"Jim, I just found the most fabulous... pot, or, I don't know what it is! It's pretty filthy, but I bet it would look great in our living room!" Jim agreed, and they purchased the object. Apparently, the holder of the sale had no idea just how valuable a thing he had on his hands, because he sold it for $10.
Later that night, Scott decides he wants to dust off this old thing. To his surprise, what he thought was an old piece of pottery was in fact made of what appeared to be gold! "Honey, come here!" he yelled.
Jim came running, and Scott continued to polish, until -POOF!- a huge creature appears in their living room! Both men scream.
"Do not be frightened!" The creature says. "I am the genie of the lamp, and you have freed me from 1000 years imprisonment by an evil sorceress. I will grant the two of you a total of three wishes as thanks!"
The two take some time to gather themselves. They stare blankly at the genie, at each other, and at the lamp for a few minutes. Finally, Jim says, "Do we have to give all three now?" "Very well," the genie replies. "You have three days in which to ask for your wishes." With that, the genie vanished.
The next day, the couple decided that they would each get one wish, and would pick the one together. They decided to first to ask for wealth. When they woke up the next day, Scott found out that he had won $100 million in the lottery, and Jim discovered that he was a distant cousin of the Sultan of Brunei. The Sultan had just died, and left Jim $500 million.
That same day Scott asked for beauty. When they awoke the next morning, in their fabulous new mansion, they were both stunning. Jim was a full 6 inches taller, looked twenty-five again, but was more beautiful than he had ever been at that or any age. Scott lost all his blemishes, 50 pounds, and looked like a cross between his old self and a GQ model.
Finally, it was Jims turn. Around midnight on the third day, Scott asked Jim what he was going to wish. But Jim had ALWAYS been finicky. It once took him five hours to decide whether to buy a pillow case in grape or aubergine.
"Hurry and think of something before it's too late!" Scott said. Jim decided he needed time to think, so he went off to the veranda to ponder this important decision.
Just that moment, Scott heard a loud banging at the door. "Who is it?" he says. "Open up boy! We gone kill you!!" a southern-accented voice replies. Scott looks through the window and sees men in white hoods on horses, burning crosses on his lawn.
"Honey! Honey! COME QUICK!!!! The KKK is outside our door!" Jim runs over. "What in the world are THEY doing in Marin County!? I thought this place was liberal. I'm calling the police!" Jim says. But the phones are DEAD! The Klansmen had cut the lines!
"HONEY! WISH THEY WOULD GO AWAY! USE YOU LAST WISH TO MAKE THEM GO AWAY!" Scott screams. "I can't" he replies, as he slumps to the floor, and the Klansmen begin knocking down the door. "WHY THE HELL NOT?!" Jim paused and replied, "Because I ALREADY wished that we could be hung like black men..."
| TIME FOR SOME TEEN LESBIANS |
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A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island.
Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship.
He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, "My God, you saved my life!" He suddenly realises the woman is Cindy Crawford! Days and weeks go by.
Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.
Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?" He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?" "Sure," she says, "if it will help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on. "Does that make you feel better," she says. "Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little moustache on your face?" he asks. "Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.
Then he says, Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?" She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off on the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later.
He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm fucking!!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack.
As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.
The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind. The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it. During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed.
Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "SEE! FUCKING HURTS, DOESN'T IT?"
| LET'S HIT THE BEACH SHALL WE? |
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A local charity realised that the organisation had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to extract a contribution.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are well beyond her means?" Embarrassed, the charity rep mumbled, "Um... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "OR that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken charity rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"OR how about that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "... leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
| FEELING DRAINED |
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ORSM
VIDEO
No mail this week sorry dudes. Not that there weren't any submissions, rather an unfortunate casualty of my impeded state but rest assured that Reader Mail will return extra fat next Thursday. In the mean time here's a whole bunch of videos that will hopefully fill the painful void. Check 'em...
ACHIEVING INNER PEACE AND SERENITY
Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding under water.
There!! See? It really does work! You're smiling already!!
| SUNNY LEONE |
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Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.
When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughter's room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.
The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mum you always told me if something hurt I should scream." "That's true."
She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?" The daughter replied "Mum you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."
"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?" The youngest daughter replied "Mum you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full..."
RANDOM SHITE
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A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of the females thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.
The blonde realises he is staring and enquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?" "Yes, I'm sorry" replies the man and promises to avert his eyes.
"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.
The man, who is getting really interested, enquires what else the wonder pussy can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, the man replies, "Fuck me! It can whistle too?"
| BIG TRANSPORT |
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A man is getting ready to fuck his new girlfriend for the first time. He tries to push his dick in, but he can't get it in. He tries and tries, but to no avail. Finally he pushes inside her and starts giving it to her. He says, "Damn, this hurts. It's so tight I can barely take it."
She says, "OK. Let me go to the bathroom and make it a little easier." He climbs off and she disappears for a few moments.
When she returns, she lays down and he climbs back on top of her. He slides in again, and this time it's much easier. "Ahhh. That's more like it. Did you put some KY jelly in there?" "Nope," she replies, "I just peeled off the scabs..."
ORSM
VIDEO
Okay so this update may have been a touch lacklustre but before you get all pissy and start sending me obnoxious emails keep in mind that I'm running a fever, my head is pounding, my throat is red raw from coughing and that in the last three days I've produced more snot than I have urine. Sympathetic emails go here by the way.
- Check out the site archives. The force is strong with them.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Unless the illness claims me.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will do the blogging again...
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stay out of the cold, rug up and remember to get the fucking flu show next year. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2009.07.23-23.22.53 |
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Orsm.net. Welcome to it.
Avast ye matey's! Well that was a fast week... but I suppose that's what happens when you don't leave the computer or house. Probably not such a smart idea. We've had a few decent storms and parts of this joint are literally falling apart - the patio roof which was slightly shredded a few weeks back is now more so, parts of the gutter have come away from the roof presenting a significant safety hazard to anyone using the back door and when it rains heavily the kitchen floor puddles up. A change of address would fix these problems but there would also have to be a significant change in personal wealth so until that happens...
Anyone hear something about the Moon Landing anniversary or something? Yeps me too... matter of fact it was practically fucking everywhere for a few days there. News and documentaries and annoying oldies calling radio stations to tell no one who cared where they were the moment man first walked on the moon. Essentially: "I was at [school/home/work] and we all stopped to watch". Fantastic... really...
Perhaps unsurprisingly I find myself struggling to get interested. Sure, one giant leap and all that stuff but by the time I was popped out into the world it had already happened thus allowing me to take it all for granted. Never lived through space race and years of wondering 'what if' and when you consider how advanced we are now, with even the average desktop PC thousands of times more powerful than what they used to land on the moon, it doesn't seem like that big a deal.
That said I've been trying to figure out what the world changing event of my generation was and I can't think of anything that comes close to 9/11. Where was I when that happened? I was at home and we all stopped to watch... and you can be damn sure I'll be calling talkback in years to come to relay that to listeners.
Moving on... please remain seated as I glaze over the past weekend in my casual, yet quirky style...
Woke up Friday to news of the Indo bombings. Slight cause for concern as I have friends who live there but quickly worked out they were okay. As they've pointed out before - it's a country with quarter of a billion population... you would have to be pretty unlucky.
From there began an ordeal which would spread across four days. Unfiled paperwork, unopened mail, unpaid bills, tax stuff... all the nasties. Did my fucking head in but at least I can see my desk again. Lucky I attacked it when I did too... turns out gas and electricity were close to getting chopped and house insurance about three days from expiring. Note to self: use automated billing.
Also managed to drop past and see friends and family. Far too many neglected people over the last few months so thought it a good idea to make sure they're all still alive and vice versa. Honestly if you take away the fact the 85% of my weekend spent doing papers etc it was a pretty good one...
Aaaaand that'll do with the boring stuff that I am for some reason so attached to... despite the fact that conjuring a page of text 50 times a year can be incredibly hard. Anyway - check it...
Don't even think about paying for porn on the
net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on
the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn?
Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us
who get
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accept paying for porn the less free
porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!
If you've been reading my site for any
period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie
Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do
so... it's because Newbie
Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today.
Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes
of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people
that love to get their gear off and show what they've got...
did I mention it's all free too? Check
it now!
There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...
Fngrz Of Fury - Time To Play - 15 Seconds - MLP Hotness - Heroism - Not Drive-thru - Dominos - Mandingo Fucker
Tasty TaTa's - God Hates - Ooops Sorry! - Dita Von Teese - Stripper Fail - Psycho Bitch - Boob-tacular - Bukkake Milk
Sword Gurl - Punished - Laid Out - Porncakes - What The? - Retarded GaGa - Pranks - Chubby Ollie - Smooth Move
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A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband. The husband calls Emergency on his mobile phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying over here and you're putting?" "Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you!" "Well, how long will it take for him to get here," she asks feebly? "No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through!"
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The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help. "My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop. "The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?" "I recognised the laugh!" he replied.
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A man called his neighbour to help him move a couch that had become stuck in the doorway. They got on either end of the couch and struggled until they were exhausted, but the couch wouldn't budge. "Forget it," the man finally gasped. "We'll never get this in." A frustrated voice came from the other side of the couch: "IN?!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Three lawyers and three engineers are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket."How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, the lawyers buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers. When they board the train the three engineers cram into a restroom and the three lawyers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
| JAMIE HAMMER |
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A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Bubbly to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cosy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the bottle to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there." ...and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants!"
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read: "Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari California, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami, Perth and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."
ORSM
VIDEO
A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach at Ft. Myers, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"Hello, sir, how are you today?" "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away two years ago," he replied and turned back to his book. "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely." she countered.
"Do you live around here?" "Yes, I live over in Cape Coral," he answered, and again resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?" With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to her, tore off her swimsuit, and gave her some hard sex right there on the beach!
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
| RECORD PERSPECTIVE |
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Pete and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Pete headed home frustrated.
The following week when Pete's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Pete. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Pete?" "I didn't have to," Pete replied. "Last week when I left our meeting, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said,
'Surprise!'."
"When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want'... SO HERE I AM!"
| EXTREME IRONING |
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READER MAIL
If you would like to have
your say, correct me, share dirty pics of your ex, send in a crazy video, a
hilarious joke or pretty anything else you can attach to an email
then both myself and the rest of the world would love to see it!
All you must do is click here and do your thing.
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Regarding this weeks chicken joke...
Utterly insignificant, really, but Mythbusters checked to see if frozen birds damaged cockpit windshields more so than their non-frozen brethren. Surprisingly and somewhat counter-intuitively, it turns out the difference in damage dealt is negligible. So that joke is slightly off!
Very old story but I checked it on Snopes before posting so as to avoid emails for the more abusive amongst you. -Orsm
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Martin wrote:
Subject: True Story, v funny overheard in Dublin, Ireland
Hey bro, Howey ye Aussie Bastard, long time fan of the show.....
I was on Grafton Street, Dublin, Ireland a few weeks ago when a very good Dublin Comedian, musician called Dave McSavage was doing his improv busking routine where he justs takes the piss out of passers by to a tune on an electric acoustic guiter and mike. Crowds were gathered when a local thug rolls by in a wheelchair. Mcsavage goes quiet and whispers "what do you say to that". the thug shouts "What the fuck is wrong with me, just cos I'm in a bleedin wheelchair ye think I can't take a joke, I've heard you before anyway and your fuckin shite, I could do way better ye fuckin fag". McSavage calmly and melodically replies. "Oh and your a funny guy are ye". Thug in wheelchair replies, "yeah I fuckin am righ". McSavage (quick as a flash) bursts into song "Yeah a funny guy rolled by today but he'll never be a stand up comedian". Crowd pissed themselves, wheelchair thug vanishes, FUCKIN PRICELESS. |
Grant wrote:
Subject: crackhouse
Notice painted on wall of suburban residence
*SAP = South African Police |
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Brad wrote:
Subject: Tour de France
Rare photo of the 1940 Tour de France |
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Doug wrote:
Subject: wife's fanny
Hello 'ORSM". I've been a huge fan of your site for years while I was living in Canada. I always had an attraction to Aus, and now I have married a very sexy Aussie lady, and this is home! I think the sexiest women on the planet are here, and here's a sexy one of my wife. She has an incredible body, and perhaps I can share, and show off more of her if you ( or your readers ) like? She's 40, and hot as!! A real MILF! |
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Tom wrote:
Subject: Not cured..
Hey mate, Love the site etc. Thought I'd contribute. Cheers.
Male nurse? Not gay? Ha! -Orsm
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Steven wrote:
Subject: 7 differences
YOU MUST READ INSTRUCTIONS FIRST: Study the first picture VERY carefully before opening the second one. Then open the 2nd one and count how many differences you can find. WITHOUT REFERRING TO THE FIRST PHOTO. There should be 7 differences to the keen eye... |
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Marcus wrote:
Subject: Readers Mail Piccie from NZ
Dear Orsm. Was travelling through New Zealand on holidays recently and saw this
speeding awareness sign - kind of like a written invitation to the local
shooters huh! |
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Jason wrote:
Subject: cream of some young guy
Found this place in Miami, FL and according to the store next door, they are giving it away.
Bargain. -Orsm
|
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: ex gf pix
Hi Orsm, heres some hot pics of me boning the ex. Hope you and the rest of the world enjoy! Love the site! (please hide my details, thanks)
UTB FTW. -Orsm
|
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Going Going Gone
Hi Orsm, Long time viewer, first time poster. Friend of mine left these
photos for everybody to find haha. She took these herself for a friend (Who
bought her the dildo) as a way of saying thanks for the toy. use 'em as you
will. no details please |
 |
Lucas wrote:
Subject: Bookings now open ...
BOOKINGS NOW OPEN FOR ALEXANDRA HOTEL - 2010 World Cup. Check the picture to see the beautiful location... with lock-up garage
Is it 4 or 5 star...? -Orsm
|
 |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Nudes
Hi there. This is a chick I know in Durban South Africa. She sent me all these
pics a while back but since then has managed to piss me off substantially. So I thought I would share them with the rest of ORSM's community. Keep it up. |
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Steven wrote:
Subject: Wine?
The Ultimate Wine Fridge
Fucking hook me up! -Orsm |
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Steven wrote:
Subject: Master Chef Recipes 2009
thought you may like these... not sure how genuine they are
Well that takes care of dinner next week. -Orsm
|
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Job Seeker
G'day Orsm, This was sent to me by a mate. Unfortunately I don't have any vacancies at present, but thought that one of your readers might be interested. It seems genuine - the facebook link works.
Heavily edited to protect the innocent. -Orsm
|
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Mates bike chrash on the weekend
Travelling from Margaret River to Kirup on a West Coast Trail Safari Tour thru Very wet and Muddy conditions I swap out at 80ks an hour on a mud hole and go down Hard my own bike swing around hits me only then to get hit by my mate following me with the helmet cam. Results: Troy Cracked Helmet, Broken Leatt Neck Brace and Knocked out for a minute or so. My New 09 KTM 450 EXC a Mess and spend night in Bunbury Regional Hospital. Eamonn Broken Wrist. |
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ORSM
VIDEO
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.
She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!" "Blow jobs!" the woman replied. "It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true... no more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off! The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.
"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked. The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook... you're gone."
| TIFFANY AND MACKENZIE |
 |
|
RANDOM SHITE
Round and round it goes... what comes next nobody knows...
Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude
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Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, But one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then He said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"
Bill replied, "I have been in jail." "Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?" "Well," Bill said, "you know Mary, that cute little blonde Waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?" "Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?" "Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 Years old, I was so proud that when I got into court I pled "guilty". The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury!"
| ITHAA UNDERSEA RESTAURANT |
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|
An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus me brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, oi I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus yet?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are ya sure dis is where he fell in?"
ORSM
VIDEO
And with that girls and boys it's time for me to leave you. But before I do...
- Check out the site archives. Fuller than a fat chicks socks.
- Next update will be next Thursday... and every Thursday after that probably until the end of time.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will make you eat menstrual blood.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and try to be more like me. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
| |
| orsmupdate 2009.07.16-22.59 |
|
Welcome to Orsm.net. Silly wabbit.
Interruptions. Is how I would sum up the last week or two. As usual not really about anything in particular but the phone and door bell haven't stopped ringing. The "What you up to this weekend?" to "Can you look up something online for me?" mixed in with a "What are we getting whatshisface for his birthday?" and generous helping of "I need a ride somewhere". Must check horoscope - Virgo is obviously entering some phase where all the other signs are uncontrollably forced to converge upon thy thus continually disrupting my shit. Yesterday being a prime example. 9am start, 3.30am finish. FML.
I think it safe to say the problem is one entirely of my own making. Working from home isn't always what it's cracked up to be. Sure - I'm a great guy, affable, personable, intelligent, an excellent conversationalist, some may even say modest but all this often gets reinterpreted as 'you work from home therefore you don't really work, therefore your time is mine!'. Humorous it doesn't work both ways though. How many times have I heard "My boss is close... gotta fly". Orly.
This all mostly in jest of course. No doubt the opposite is a lonely existence. Nothing to no one is far worse than the phone ringing every five minutes but doesn't mean I can't bitch and moan.
Okay let's take some time for me to have a bullshit about the weekend however be warned it wasn't anything special. Matter of fact it's really not even worth writing about but I find myself in the ominous position of needing to fill a space and having relatively little inspiration to fill it with. Guess what I'm saying is 'sucks to be you' if you were expecting blog-tainment and that now is a good time to scroll down to the cool stuff. It's what I would do.
Saturday began with a sleep in following a few glasses of a very cheap, very nasty red wine at dinner the night previous. Kids let this be a lesson - wine from the Albany region in Western Australia's south west is shit. Avoid.
When I finally got moving it was groceries then quickly home again to spend a few minutes researching. Partly through choice, partly through necessity, it's fallen to me to organise a house for six people down south next Easter for a wedding. How so you ask? Choice: I say who gets to stay and also claim the master bedroom. Necessity: I say who gets to stay and also claim the master bedroom.
From there it was cruise with the boys. First time in a few months or at least since the warm weather deserted us. Seriously this whole winter thing isn't working for me. Feels endless whereas summer '09 just wasn't long enough. At this point I'd give my left Vas Deferens for a 40°C scorcher.
Sunday Sunday. The closest I've come to making a day all about me for ages and it started superbly with news of the Dockers stunning defeat. Embarrassing much Freo fans? You always hope it will happen but until it does you can't truly appreciate the awesomeness. This joyous start gave me inspiration enough to spend almost four hours making the car beautiful before camping on the couch to watch the Eagles match. Yes we lost but at least were managed to kick more than one goal...
And with that it's now time to get cracking with the good stuff so without further ado - check it...
If you've been reading my site for any
period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie
Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do
so... it's because Newbie
Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today.
Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes
of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people
that love to get their gear off and show what they've got...
did I mention it's all free too? Check
it now!
Don't even think about paying for porn on the
net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on
the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn?
Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us
who get
it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and
accept paying for porn the less free
porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!
There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...
Secret Legends - Gay Amputee - Wall Of Death - Aussie Bogan - Showing Off - Motor Mayhem - Hot Latina Chica
Ridiculous Booty - Titties!! - Save The Girl - Going Crunch - Mean Prank - Stutter Kid - Crazy Jazz Fan - Best Butts
Gay Workout - Finger Skills - Ball Biter - Auto-Tune #6 - Killer Suction - Salsa Dog - I <3 Gisele - Ridiculous
|
Two old men are sitting on a park bench chatting. One asks the other, "How is your wife?" The second old chap replies, "I think she might be dead!" "What do you mean you THINK she's dead?" "Well," the second elderly gentleman explains. "Our sex life is much the same as it always was but the dishes are starting to pile up!"
--
Paddy and his wife are lying in bed trying to sleep, kept up by the neighbour's dog barking like mad in the garden. "To hell with this!" Paddy says and storms off. Five minutes later he comes back upstairs and his wife asks "What did you do?" Paddy replies "I've put the little bugger in our garden... let's see how they like it!!"
--
A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After approx. 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times. At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Well why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. The old lady answers, "We just like to suck the chocolate around them."
--
I've just been to see that new Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends...? I don't think so...
ORSM
VIDEO
IDIOTS... THEY WALK AMONG US...
With what seems like just about every person I know either heading off on, or returning from holidays around the world it feels timely to post some actual complaints received by travel agents from jilted travellers:
"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time' - this should be banned."
"On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."
"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."
A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel 'inadequate'.
A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff, when in fact, she had mistaken the "Do Not Disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.
"The beach was too sandy."
"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."
A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.
"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."
"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."
"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."
"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It only took the Americans three hours to get home."
"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."
"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."
"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."
"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."
"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be okay staying here?"
| ABSOLUTE FUCKING PERFECTION |
 |
|
A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite...!"
At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinner time, again she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib-eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra... I'm still not hungry." "Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm frickin' starving!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
Rolls Royce responded with the following one-line memo: Defrost the chicken!
| WEDDING DAY SHENANIGANS |
 |
|
PONDERISMS
Birds of a feather flock together... and then crap on your car.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it's a valuable plant.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
He who hesitates is probably right.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for 40 are XL.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
Have you noticed since everyone has a cell that takes pictures these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've travelled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
| AT SEA LEVEL |
 |
|
You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!
READER MAIL
If you would like to have
your say, correct me, share dirty pics of your ex, send in a crazy video, a
hilarious joke or pretty anything else you can attach to an email
then both myself and the rest of the world would love to see it!
All you must do is click here and do your thing.
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Kenya 'Witch' Burning
hi Orsm. Love the site. More on that Kenya witch burning story here.
Fuuuuuuuucked up. Keep details private, Thanks. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Shed some light on the subject!
Hey Orsm, you know I love yer site but dude, tell these wonderful people who share their vids with us to PUT SOME FUCKING LIGHT ON THE SUBJECT AND LEARN HOW TO GET THE CAMERA FOCUSED!!!! Ain't nothing worse than getting what should be a great vid and then not being able to see a fucking thing 'cause it's too dark, they're out of the camera or the camera is shaking like an earthquake! To all those that do send vids, thanks and keep 'em cumming! Just remember, just cuz you can see okay don't necessarily mean we can. Thanks
Have to agree. It's 2009 and there is no excuse for not shooting in HD. -Orsm
|
Bridgett Zuniga wrote:
Subject: Get a degree with no problems.
GET YOUR DIPLOMA TODAY!If you are looking for a fast and cheap way to get a diploma, this is the best way out for you. Choose the desired field and degree and call us right now: For US: 1.845.709.8044 Outside US: +1.845.709.8044 "Just leave your NAME & PHONE NO. (with CountryCode)" in the voicemail. Our staff will get back to you in next few days! |
Thirsty Swagman wrote:
Subject: Photos of SwagGirls
Here you go mate, have fun with them on your site :-)
I'm not greedy so just I'll take the one's with dark hair. More at ThirstySwagman.com. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pic
Thought you blokes could use some good clam on this site! Please hide info!
Nom nom nom. -Orsm |
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marc wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Look derr, Edwin got a floggin from Neville Knarkle |
 |
Steven wrote:
Subject: Boat Launching Procedures
So here it is. I just bought a new boat and decided to take 'er for the maiden voyage
this past weekend. This is my first boat and I wasn't quite sure of the exact Standard
Operating Procedures for launching it off a ramp, but I figured it couldn't be too hard. I consulted my local boat dealer for advice, but they just said "don't let the trailer get too deep when you are trying to launch the boat". Well, I don't know what they meant by that as I could barely get the trailer in the water at all! Anyhow, see attached picture , and tell me what am I doing wrong??. Your gonna love this guy!!!!!!! |
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Ross wrote:
Subject: The Jackson 5
There are some seriously sick and very funny people in this world |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: funny stuff
ORSM! Long time reader first time writer. This pic is from Peabody, Massachusetts here in the USA. Hope you enjoy. Please hide my info blah blah. Cheers. (Incidentally, the car is a friend's 996 Cab) |
 |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Retarted spelling
Me and my mate were out at weekend and picked this up in the local takeaway - fucking retards!!! Hide my details if you post this please! :)
You're looking at it the wrong way. If whoever wrote it WAS that smart, would he/she be making sandwics for a living...? It's probably better for all os that they are... -Orsm
|
 |
Pagey wrote:
Subject: Engrish
Saw some Engrish on the site a few weeks ago, and here's my contribution. Came with a vacuum packing machine I bought on eBay a couple of years ago. No fucking idea as to what the top legend is supposed to mean, but regardless, I'm struggling to contemplate
vacuum packing a pig's heart/lung/brain, turtle or dog. Porterhouse steak, yes, "toidoil", no. |
 |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Log Bumper
Didn't realize that a tree log met Department of Transportation safety standards. Bonus points if anyone can identify the Colorado, USA town this pic was taken in. I know you've had at least one other submit from here. Hold the details. |
 |
steven wrote:
Subject: Obama Damn Nigger
Thought you guys would kick a get outta the Post here in New York, Cheers.
Since proven incorrect. -Orsm |
 |
Al wrote:
Subject: lets do METH! 11 Reasons Taking Meth is a Bad Idea
Pictures are always a far better way to
demonstrate something like this. This is known as "Meth Mouth" and it's
a pretty good reason to not become a methamphetamine user. Now, according to the American Dental Association, "The rampant caries associated with methamphetamine use is probably
caused by a combination of drug-induced psychological and physiological
changes resulting in xerostomia (dry mouth), extended periods of poor
oral hygiene, frequent consumption of high calorie, carbonated beverages and tooth grinding and clenching. Some reports have also
speculated that the acidic nature of the drug is a contributing
factor." |
 |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Here is one for the viewers
Here is a photo of a recent hottie that your viewers may appreciate. Thanks for your many years of laughs and entertainment. Please withhold the name and address. Thanks
Great action shot. Really draws the viewer in... -Orsm
|
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Oooops!!!!
Howzit Mr.. ORSM !! Great Site!! 2nd Contribution all the way from Mauritius. A mate of mine trying his hand at rally. Not successful! Keep up the good work. Keep my Email address hidden please. |
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marius wrote:
Subject: Cable Theft
Good day. This happened to a guy that where trying to steal a high voltage cable (6600Volts) in Ocean View South Africa. Love your site.
Hah you can see his penis. -Orsm
|
 |
Terry wrote:
Subject: Ford and Mercury "Woodies
This collection of Ford and Mercury "Woodies" belongs to Nick Alexander in Los Angeles. He has at least one of every Ford Woodie made from 1932 until 1957. His collection is the largest collection in the world. Every car is in perfect condition. He's done all this in just the last 10 years. |
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Ben wrote:
Subject: Pics for your site
Hi, I have some picks that you should put up on your site for the reader mail section. Here are some picks of my girlfriend, she is not camera shy at all and love me taking photos. Love the site (so does she :p)
Please thank your GF and tell her we're waiting for more. -Orsm
|
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Carlier Nougat wrote:
Subject: lolz ...
Just another day in the the City of Stirling.
Definitely sounds like a Nollamara girl. Wonder if she got off...? -Orsm |
|
Ed27th wrote:
Subject: OK THIS WILL MAKE YOU LAUGH!!!!!!!!
It do get lonely at forward operating bases......... |
|
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Here is a video of a Dad smacking her daughter after he caught her nude in front of the webcam.... ouch!! hide my details, bla, bla, bla
Damir Dokic anyone?? -Orsm |
 |
ORSM
VIDEO
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Essex. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes when a blond woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people! Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of humour!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this mate! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!"
| CHLOE COPS A POUNDING |
 |
|
RANDOM SHITE
RS... the Pandora's Box of the internet. Think you know what's coming next? I bet you don't! Check it...
Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude
webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length
adult movies, and even download
all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need
is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup
with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just
go over there for yourself and have
a look!
Do you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go? Wonder no more!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which Lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly good fellow..."
| THEN AND NOW |
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A man enters a confessional and says to the Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months." this time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, slim, redheaded woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?" The altar boy replies... "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes..."
ORSM
VIDEO
Oh no's time to go's! There's just one more thing...
- Check out the site archives. They're the only nine year-old it's okay to poke around in...
- Next update will be next Thursday. Except for the time I've let you guys down, have I EVER let you guys down...?
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will randomly prank call your phone. Ring once, hang up. Ring once, hang up. And so on.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and errr... Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2009.07.09-23.something |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. What do you mean Michael Jackson dead? First I've heard...?
Update 27 for the year - go go go! That, according to my calculations, leaves 23 more for the 2009. Probably too early to start looking forward to the Christmas break especially considering I haven't yet managed a winter break. Actually... probably no point looking forward to Christmas at all after last year's shit fuck. And no I don't mean that literally...
Seriously world - enough. The MJ stuff has to stop. Everyone loved his music - not just you. Everyone thought he was weird but that was okay - not just you. Everyone thinks there'll never be anyone like him - not just you. And on and on and on - not just you!
I'm actually pretty appalled at what I saw on TV. Particularly the memorial or whatever it was supposed to be. Standouts were the retards showing their class waiting until a pause between song or speaker and screaming "We love you Michael". It's a MEMORIAL not CONCERT. Have some respect.
Someone should have told Brooke Shields no matter how many fake tears she sheds, or feigned emotion she conveys there is no way to win an Oscar speaking at a funeral. A Razzie Award is still a possibility however.
The rest of the speakers were just as bad... all of their speeches seemed to be a competition for whose sound bite would make the news. Dragging the daughter out Bindi Irwin style to set her up as a child starlet was a nice touch though. Now that overprotective daddy is gone it can't be long before the Michael Jackson Family Singers hit the airwaves.
While we're on the subject of music - who else agrees that this is the worst song EVER? At risk of sounding like a racist monster - did these guys think that by taking a classic song and giving it the black touch was really a good idea? "Hold me closer tiny dancer... hold me closer... just hold me closer. Count the headlights on the highway... yeah yeah!" Talk about your pieces of crap. They killed a classic and part of me hates Elton John for licensing it to them. The other part of me already hated him for being gay so not really doing himself any favours there...
Running out of space but couldn't possibly get through a blog without doing a quick rundown of my life for the last week. I know for a fact you guys would not stand for it. There'd be boycotts and riots and suicides. Don't laugh... it's happened before. The '92 LA Riots were really because I missed an update entirely. True story. Look it up...
Saturday was the closest I've come to club hopping in years. We started on the coast, realised that of the 20 people in the place 18 were us, moved to another club which we couldn't get into and settled on another around the corner. Most incredible was that I went somewhere different and enjoyed it. We somehow managed to avoid the 5000+ US sailors who were in town too. Must have been at the knock shop?
Got wrangled into car hunting on Sunday which shockingly isn't much fun when it's for someone else. After the first 500-1000 cars they all look pretty much the same and answering "What do you think of this one?" becomes totally pointless. The only downside of the day - not having enough time to go shoot some snaps of the USS George Washington.
Alright I reckon that's enough bloggle for one day. Please prepare yourself for the good stuff. God knows it took some time getting it all stuck together so if you don't enjoy it please let me know so I can knock your teeth out. Check it...
Don't even think about paying for porn on the
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Game Time - Stupidity - Eyeballin' - Dry Hump - Epic Boobs - Clowning - Careful! - Fuck Off - Black Pussy Eater
I'm Passing Out - Working Girl - Brit Vs Hillary - Evil Things - The Cheerleader - Shower Prank - Muppets 11
Mariah Hotness - Harry Met Wookie - Pedestrian Rage - It's A Party - What A Flop - Webcam Tease - Head Smack
Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!" Paddy says "What's his name?" Mick replies "Miles from London!"
--
A woman wakes up and tells her husband, "I dreamed that you gave me a beautiful pearl necklace for our anniversary and whisked me off for a holiday of a lifetime in the West Indies. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he replies with a smile. That evening, the man comes home with a small package and gives it to his wife. Delighted, she opens it. Inside is a book entitled 'The Meaning of Dreams'.
--
Carmel is in bed at home with her lover: her husband John's best friend. The phone rings. Carmel answers it and the best friend listens, hearing only her side of the conversation:"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's lovely. I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time. Oh, that Sounds terrific. Thanks. Bye." She hangs up and her lover asks, "Who was that?" "John. He was just telling me all about the wonderful time he's
Having on his fishing trip with you."
--
So I asked my dad "When does a guy quit jerking off?" He said "You better go ask your grandfather"...
--
A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample." The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?" The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS".
ORSM
VIDEO
Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some drinks. Bob's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you like under there?" Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: "Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" Sue, using her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!
| BLONDE BOMBSHELL: JENNA |
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Mac the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month voyage. Unfortunately he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night all he could offer her was 50 cents and a pair of sneakers. She refused with disdain.
He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time and time again. Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could always try Mabel down the road. But she warned him not to expect too much as Mabel was very unresponsive and would probably just lie there passively.
He found Mable and as times were hard she reluctantly agreed to accept the 50 cents and the pair of sneakers for her services, but told him not to expect any kind of response from her.
Mac began the amorous act and after a few minutes was please to find an arm coming around his back. This was followed shortly after by a leg curling around his rear.
Mac, who had always fancied himself a bit of a Romeo, gasped, "I knew you wouldn't be able to resist my charms.""Don't worry about me, love," answered Mabel, "I'm just trying on the sneakers."
ORSM
VIDEO
- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -
PRACTICAL SEX ADVICE FOR SOUND RELATIONSHIPS BARBARA BUSH
Dear Barbara,
On the night of our first anniversary as a couple, I had just finished getting ready for what I thought was going to be a romantic evening when my boyfriend barged into the room and gave me a golden shower. His "surprise" stained my dress, ruined my makeup, and pretty much the entire night. Making things worse, he wouldn't apologize, saying he "thought I'd like it", which is pretty much in keeping with his sophomoric personality. What do you think, should I cut this doofus loose?
Signed, Pissed Off (And On) In Pittsburgh.
Dear P----- ---,
I'm sorry, but I have to take your boyfriend's side on this one. A golden shower sounds like a very thoughtful (and expensive!) gift. Furthermore, if the shower was too ostentatious (or whatever your objection was), I don't understand what would possess you to use it without first removing your clothes and cosmetics. Perhaps it would be to your benefit to seek professional psychological help.
Dear Barbara,
Despite my emphatic objections to minding, my wife refuses to let me have sex with her while she is on her period. Considering her menstrual cycle has extended to three weeks out of the month since I married her, I have to confess that I've become an unhappy camper in the bedroom due to these prolonged droughts. Any thoughts on how I can get her to loosen up?
Signed, Hanging By A String In Jacksonville.
Dear Hanging,
Not only should you not be having sexual relations with your wife while she is menstruating, you shouldn't have any relations with her at all as women become unclean magnets of mysterious, dark forces during their periods. Therefore it is in your best interest to banish her to a special menses hut outside your home; or, if you lack the means for accomplishing this, relegate her to a separate room for the duration of her time of the month.
Dear Barbara,
To my silent discomfort my husband has become increasingly more kinky since we were married four years ago. For example, his latest kick involves the use of amyl nitrate before sex and asphyxiation immediately before climax as part of a quest to achieve "the perfect orgasm". Although I have to admit these things do enhance the overall experience, I'm of the mind that conventional sex is pleasurable enough without the extra risk such practices introduce. What do you think?
Signed, Choked Up In Washington
Dear Choked Up,
Engaging in choking techniques, especially while you and your partner are under the influence of drugs (including amyl nitrate, aka "poppers"), is in fact incredibly dangerous to your health. In addition, such practices can have a profoundly adverse effect on the well being of a foetus the woman might be carrying without her knowledge. Though it's nothing I'm particularly proud of, for the purpose of illustration and in the interest of full disclosure, let me tell you George and I experimented with auto-erotic asphyxiation and an array of aphrodisiacal substances for a short period in 1945 until I discovered I was pregnant with George Jr.
| DO I GIVE YOU A CHUBBY...? |
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Dear Barbara,
I'm 21, have been dating this new guy for about two months and am totally in love, except for one thing. My guy likes me to toss his salad, and normally I would be more than happy to oblige such a request (I actually really like the taste - usually), only in this case it smells and tastes really bad. I tried dropping subtle hints that he needs to keep things more clean, but the problem seems to have only gotten worse. The other day I actually found a piece of corn down there. Help!
Signed, Grossed Out In Georgia
Dear Grossed Out,
First of all, I think it's lovely to hear from a young couple who are willing to take it slow and get to know each other through wholesome activities such as cooking together. You wouldn't believe how many letters I get from girls younger than you who are already having sex with boyfriends they've been dating an even shorter period than two months. Specifically to the point of the issue you're grappling with, why don't you wash your boyfriend's produce yourself before preparing and tossing the salad? Then, if his roughage still isn't up to par, don't be shy about popping on down to the store for some fresh. If you're open and honest with your guy his feelings shouldn't be hurt. After all, it's not only a matter of good taste, but good health. And if you don't like corn, then tell your boyfriend and replace it with something else, like peas or garbanzo beans. It's called compromise, my dear. Bon appétit!
Dear Barbara,
My marriage of to my husband of four years has been relatively happy and healthy until an issue arose in the bedroom a few months ago. To put it bluntly, my husband has always liked to have his dick sucked, which is fine, only lately he's begun to shoot his load in my mouth without warning. Barbara, this bothers me not only because it's kind of gross (I've never been much of a swallower), but because I interpret the fact that he knows this and deliberately suppresses any sound of his impending orgasm in order to take me by surprise as a passive aggressive act, the implications of which I fear might allude to a much deeper problem lurking beneath the surface of our marriage. What do you think?
Signed, Sticky and Stuffed in Portland
Dear S&S,
Good heavens! Am I to understand that you're putting your husband's penis in your mouth? Don't you know that's what he pees out of?!!
Dear Barbara,
I'm a 24 year-old guy, and I realize it's a little late for such epiphanies, but I'm starting to think I might be sexually attracted to men. I have a girlfriend who I really like and who I've never had any trouble getting it up to bang, but more and more I find myself thinking about what it would be like to be made love to by a man. I haven't actually been with a guy yet, but I have brought myself to orgasm thinking of men and to the occasional guy on guy @#$%o. What do you think? Do you think I'm gay, or maybe just bi?
Signed, Ambivalent in Arkansas
Dear Ambivalent,
I think you have a serious mental condition. No offense, but the feelings you describe having sound very homosexual in nature. I would advise you seek spiritual guidance from your church, and if that should prove insufficient, commit yourself to the care of a mental health institution that specializes in special cases such as yours. P.S. - You're not really from Arkansas, are you? I've never heard of such a thing.
| AMAZING SAND SCULPTURES |
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READER MAIL
If you would like to have
your say, correct me, share dirty pics of your ex, send in a crazy video, a
hilarious joke or pretty anything else you can attach to an email
then both myself and the rest of the world would love to see it!
All you must do is click here and do your thing.
Gordo wrote:
Subject: Black Eye????
Before he actually got to the "black eye", the dude should have noticed that she was a butt ugly skank to start with,,,, the black eye probably helped her looks,,,, just sayin'. |
marc wrote:
Subject: reply to "Roger" in the "readers mail section
Well Mr "Roger. You were a load that you mum was ment to swallow. She is such a poor bitch that ever sucks cock except mine when i allow her. Get back to your midget porn masterbation fuk head! |
Paul wrote:
Subject: Re: Close Encounter
What a fucking hero that prick would be..Shame the poor moose didn't rip his guts out. Pure cruelty showing how low some people can stoop to.
Agreed! Was honestly hoping he copped it until the bastard got up! -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pic
I have been reading your site for a long while now. Seems like forever. Finally saw something funny enough to send to you. Saw this van at a fast food drive-thru. Thought you might like it. I was in Perth for a week in the early '92. Had a blast. Great beer. Wish I could get my hands on some Dogbolter or even some Redback. Used to be on an American submarine. If you put the pic up, please hold my details. Thanks and keep up the good work. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Disgruntled employee of the month
Hi there, Cool site. I make a point of checking up every Friday. Here is a crap photo from a closed down BP station in Forfar (Scotland). It's just a scan as I took it years ago but worse photos have appeared on your site so thought I'd contibute. Hide details please as I'd get fired if my boss knew I was looking up your site. |
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Andy wrote:
Subject: Jacksons Ashes
Just came up on Sky News UK |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Funny Ass Dead Celb Pics....
Thought This Would Go Awsome In The Random Shite Section
It's just missing Yoda. -Orsm
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Mark wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Hey Mr ORSM. I'm a huge fan of the site - always signifies the end of a crappy week at work. I'm sure you've had similar contributions already but here's one I made earlier! Cheers and keep up the most awesome work! |
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James wrote:
Subject: pic for random shite
Hi orsm, funny misprint from a local newspaper here in ireland. enjoy |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Found news story
Hi dude! Found this news story today but please don't give any of my details? |
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GARTH wrote:
Subject: Something stupid and funny
Hey whats up. I just got home from a mini tour with my band. Denver County Death March. our First stop was at the Pig, a bar in Independence, MO and it was funny since the bar was next to a Womens Clinic, and Planned Parenthood. We were joking that well, you could get fucked up, Hook up, get tested, find out if your going to be regretting it all on the same block. I did think ahead and tried to get free condoms from Planned Parenthood but those assholes were closed. |
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david wrote:
Subject: Son of Bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is a guy I work with from El Salvador..... Gotta love the shirt |
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OneMan wrote:
Subject: Don't skimp on the footings
When construction in China fails. At around 5:30am on June 27, an unoccupied building still under construction at Lianhuanan Road in the Minxing district of Shanghai city toppled over. One worker was killed. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pics I found
Some pics I found on a mates computer. Pls with hold my details.
Ewww nasty. This is why you don't marry the plain ones... -Orsm
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Supaduck wrote:
Subject: House on a rock - FANTASTIC
i like this house but i wonder what it would be like in rough weather hmmmm. Clingstone, an unusual, 103-year-old mansion in Rhode Island's Narragansett Bay, survives through the love and hard work of family and friends. Henry Wood, the owner, runs the house like a camp: all skilled workers welcome. Mr. Wood, a 79-year-old Boston architect, bought the house with his ex-wife Joan in 1961 for $3,600. It had been empty for two decades. The total cost of the construction, which was completed in 1905, was $36,982.99. |
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Ajkuna wrote:
Subject: Greetings from Kosova
Dear Mr. ORSM, I'm following your work, for a decade now (WOW), and at LAST I'm sending you something worth seeing. This guy had an accident with a cart carrying wood, where one piece struck his torso. The impact was so strong, that the wood penetrated his body and through the seat manged to brake the leg of the passenger seating behind the driver. This guy was nailed to the seat and the fire-rescue had to come to cut the wood off the seat. Believe it or not, the guy survived. Keep up the good work, & all the best |
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<with held> wrote:
Sunject: Emailing
Hey love this site here are a couple of Pics of my horny wife please with hold my details |
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Barry wrote:
Subject: road rash
Hey there, Took the motorcycle out for a nice ride. Ended badly. Feel free to post the pics. I also broke my wrist and a rib.
Ahh so that's why people wear the full leathers... -Orsm
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J. wrote:
Subject: Tiger Tank!!!
Hey ORSM! Love your site and look every week. Was at a tank fest in the south of the uk last weekend. Saw the worlds only living breething Tiger tank in action!!! Made the hairs on my neck stand up as it went round the arena...So here are a few pictures for you and the rest of the orsm fans. Keep up the good work and do what ya like with my details i don't give a fuck.... |
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Andy wrote:
Subject: self shots worth a shot
After what seems like 10 years I feel obliged to render a service to your other privalidged viewers. My wifes hot as hell and reminds me like this when I'm workimg away! I'm having an unselfish streak so make hay while the sun shines. Good luck dude! Mo details, thanks!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: re: Subject: Volcanic Eruption Photographed from Space
This is a better view. Feel free to add this to your next update. Keep my details private please.
His res copy here. Requires Quicktime. -Orsm
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Kirumburu wrote:
Subject: Medium Rare
Naaasty. Apparently, these are witches, caught red handed. Somewhere in rural Kenya. Seven were "burnt at the stake
WARNING: Very graphic video of deranged tribal folk doing deranged shit. -Orsm
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ORSM
VIDEO
An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, "You Australian folk eat the whole bread?" The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."
The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia." The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.
The American persisted, "D'ya eat jam with your bread?" Sighing, the Australian replied, "Of course." Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia.
The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?" The American smiled and said "Why of course we do." The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" "We throw them away, of course!"
Now it was the Australians turn to smile.
"We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?"
| AUDREY BITONI |
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|
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THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD THAT...
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer, and Citigroup.
McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
A truck load of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
The most highly paid job now is jury duty.
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "Finish your plate, kids are starving in the U.S."
Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Hey, neat! The guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear!
| IT'S A STRETCH THING |
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|
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked him if it would be alright if he could use one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should Dad. They're very strong and rather expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," Answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the Morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110."I know," said Grandpa. "The Hundred is from Grandma!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Me tired and hungry so...
- Check out the site archives. More fun than you can have with your clothes off.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Unless you die... which I'm guessing you'll have more important things to worry about.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will wait until you come out of a club drunk. He'll offer you a ride telling you he's an off duty cab driver. Once you get in his car Ray will slip you a roofie. Later you'll wake up in a strange place with your cock in some guys mouth but you're too drugged to fight back. The next morning you get up thinking it was all just a bad dream... until the video ends up on Orsm. Don't fuck with Ray. He's a vindictive cunt.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stop pulling your pants up you big girl. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
| |
| orsmupdate 2009.07.02-23.13 |
|
Welcome to Orsm.net. Brrrr.
Howdy pardners. I'm going to start with yet another repetitive comment on the weather and there's not a thing you can do about it. Why? Because it's my fucking website and I'm fucking cold. Last night dropped to 2.6°C [36°F] which admittedly sucked balls. Same forecast for tonight too. Unfortunately mine is a house cold as fuck. Sleeping is fine - pull up the covers and enjoy it but how anyone is supposed to make the bed to bathroom dash and wait for the shower to reach scolding without testicles painfully retracting causing asphyxia is beyond me.
The week until yesterday has been a touch on the windy/stormy side. Fine by me... who doesn't love that shit? Broken tree branches everywhere, wheelie bins on their sides and parts of my patio roof strewn across the neighbourhood is what I live for. More now dammit!
Woke up Friday to a couple of SMS messages asking if MJ was really dead. Say what now? On goes the radio and yes it seems that he was... along with Farrah Fawcett, Jeff Goldblum and Harrison Ford. Ooops. Good day to be a funeral director... and good day for joke writers it seems - there was already a couple sitting in my email by the time I got to the computer only a few hours after departure. You'll find them below.
As for MJ... I'm a bit surprised he lasted this long. 50 years old is far too early for anyone to pop but let's face it, the guy suffered a lifetime of torture at the hands of a despot father, crackpot fans and money-grubbing worms trying constantly to extract his riches. Maybe he's better off. One thing is for sure - with all the auto-tuned, repetitive rubbish that talentless 'artists' pump out today there'll never be another Michael Jackson.
Weeeeeeekend. The aforementioned stormy conditions limited activities to mostly indoors. That didn't stop me from running around and researching my much hyped kitchen renovation but it did bring some perspective, a reality check - the minimum $10,000 it would cost me, I don't have to throw away. Quite simple when it's put in those terms. All is not lost though... I've devised a 'freshen' which shouldn't blow the budget. We'll see.
Hit the town Saturday night. Got to the bar at 8.30pm, next thing I know its closing time. Kids let this be a lesson to never consume alcohol on an empty stomach... particularly shooters or challenge drinking. It never ends well. Home to bed from there - bite to eat and passed out not to be heard from again until the next afternoon. That'll teach me. The afternoon was well spent at least. A visit to the grandparents house for a lesson on family history and long lost relatives that we've recently made contact with. Turns out that I had a great uncle [or something] that could have been my identical twin. A good trick considering he died 20 years before I emerged. Really need to get my shit sorted in the next couple of years and go visit. Again - we'll see.
Okay that's enough bloggery for even me to bare. Let's kick the absolutely sick update into gear and enjoy some QT together. Check it...
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It's Game Time - Close Encounter - Mariah Hotness? - Fucking OUCH - Sox Dancer - On Stage BJ - Real Talk
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Mrs. Jones went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge. He instructed her to get undressed and lie down on the examining table. She did so. The doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her pussy. After a couple of minutes he asked, "How does that feel?" "Wonderful," she replied, "but the discharge is from my ear."
--
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?" "I'm in love," the boy replied. Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?" "With YOU!" he said. "But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child." "Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll fuck you with a condom!!"
--
She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea. "Do you enjoy it?" The doctor asked. "Actually, yes, I do.""Does it hurt you?" he asked. "No. I rather like it." "Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified... "What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?" "Of course," the doctor replied. "Where Do you think Muslims come from."
--
I lost my virginity to a retarded girl last night... I wanted my first time to be special.
ORSM
VIDEO
THE KING IS DEAD
Michael Jackson died while trying to play the guitar. Apparently he had a heart attack after his G string snapped while trying to finger A minor.
Since Michael Jackson was 99% plastic, he will be melted down and moulded into Lego so that children can play with him for a change...
McDonalds has announced "the McJackson". It's a 50 year old piece of meat between 6 year old buns.
I'm going to see a new group next month – the Jackson 4.
Michael Jackson had so much plastic surgery they are moving his corpse straight into Madame Tussauds – no need for a waxwork.
After the autopsy they stitched Michael Jackson up with a glue gun.
Jacko died of a heart attack this morning shocked when he discovered that Boyz II Men was a band, not a delivery service.
Bad timing with the Jacko death - he was due on a family vacation in Florida next week... he was going to Tampa with the kids.
It seems Michael Jackson didn't die of a heart attack at home. He was in the children's ward, having a stroke.
Due to Michael Jackson's unexpected demise, all of his dates in London have had to be cancelled. Starting with James, aged 10, Peter aged 9...
Michael Jackson's three kids are being taken over by the NSPCC. However, Madonna has already said she would take Bubbles to add to their growing collection of monkeys!
MJ is not going to be buried or cremated but recycled into plastic shopping bags so that he can remain white, plastic and dangerous for kids to play with.
MJ has just been refused entry into Heaven...
Don't blame it on the sunshine,
Don't blame it on the moonlight,
Don't blame it on the good times,
Blame it on the buggery.
An autopsy has revealed that Jacko's death was drug related. Medical experts are warning of the dangers of using 7 to 10 year old crack!
Confirmation has been received that Michael Jackson died today. Sources close to the Jackson family say the cause of death was a heart attack brought on by food poisoning. Apparently he ate some 12 year old nuts.
The world mourns the loss today of two great white women, Farrah and Michael.
Michael Jackson wanted to be cremated, and his ashes to be placed in a box of rice bubbles - just so he could experience coming out of a kids arse again.
They are going to bury Michael in South Australia - they get a 5 cent refund for recyclable plastics.
He didn't die of a heart attack. He drowned in the Hudson River. His body was found bobbing under a buoy.
Farrah Fawcett went into a coma. God appeared and said to her "Farrah, you have given so much pleasure to so many people, what would you like as your final wish?" Farrah said "I would like all the children around the world to be happy and safe". So God killed Michael Jackson.
Police have ruled out foul play in the death of Jacko, he simply tripped over a pram in his flat. Police are blaming it on the buggy.
Jacko's ghost has been sighted in a children's hospital, looks like he will continue to try to put the willies up small children.
Michael Jackson is dead. Hospital staff don't know what to do with the body as plastic recycle night is not until next Tuesday.
In a recent interview, Michael Jackson said he wants to have 10 children. He also said he wants to be a father again.
| CARLI AND JANA...YOW! |
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HOW OUR CURRENT ECONOMY WORKS
It is the month of May, in Dublin. It is raining, and the place looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
Then, one day, a rich tourist comes to town.
He enters a hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to choose one.
The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower.
The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.
The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit.
The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.
The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.
At that moment, the tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, saying that he did not like any of them, and leaves town.
No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism...
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how most Governments do business today!
ORSM
VIDEO
- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -
A couple goes to bed to sleep for the night. In the middle of the night, the wife wakes up laughing and laughing and laughing. Her husband groggily asks, "What are you laughing about?"
She tells him that she has just had a dream and she dreamed that she was at a cock auction. She said, "They had BIG ones there that were 12 inches long and big around and they were being auctioned off at $10,000 dollars.
She went on to say that they had some 10 inch long ones that were slightly smaller in diameter and they were going for around $8,000 dollars.
The husband is excited by now and asks "Honey were there any at the auction like mine?"
She says, "Why yes, they were over on the souvenir table and they were selling at 2 for a quarter..."
He disgustedly turns and goes back to sleep.
Well about two nights later, the husband wakes up in the middle of the night just laughing and laughing and laughing. The wife asks him, "What in the world are you laughing about?" He goes on to say that he dreamed he was at a pussy auction. He said, "They had little tiny ones there that had no hair at all and they were selling for $50,000 dollars. He went on to say that they had some with just a little bit of beginning hair and they were a little larger, but going for $42,000 dollars".
The wife is excited by this time and asks, "Honey did they have any there like mine? He said "Gosh honey, I am sorry, no... WAIT... they had two. They were cooling beer in one, and throwing empties in the other!"
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A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employees well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies: "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, says to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know."
Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees her hysterically crying!
He rushes out to her, asking, "What's the problem... are you gonna be ok?" "No..." exclaims the blonde."I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mum died too!!"
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READER MAIL
If you would like to have
your say, correct me, share dirty pics of your ex, send in a crazy video, a
hilarious joke or pretty anything else you can attach to an email
then both myself and the rest of the world would love to see it!
All you must do is click here and do your thing.
Grant wrote:
Subject: Ruining Christmas
Why didn't they just shit in the box rather than put clothes in it? It would have achieved the same effect. I hope that the asshats who did this to this kid wind up with a bad case of swine flu or something long and painful. Who had the big idea to videotape this thing anyway? What a bunch of fucking morons. Get me the name of this kid and I will get him what was supposed to be in the box. |
Z_Subs wrote:
Subject: The average length and girth of an Australian website operators penis
"The average length and girth of an Australian website operators penis is
1.87 times greater than his next nearest competition, typically African
American males."
Yeah, right.... (and you probably thought we didn't read everything?)
All true mate. -Orsm |
Shane wrote:
Subject: Ebay transaction
Mr.Orsm, I repair Xbox 360's due to the fact they are a POS.......no probs...makes me a fair amount of coin. So here is the scenario, I needed a new DVD drive for a customer and the only ones I could find priced decent were on Ebay. All of them were from China except one seller from North Carolina.... [continues]
Typical. Have had similar shit with retards selling shit they don't have. Oddly enough the best sellers seem to be from Asian countries. By far the worst are Americans. -Orsm
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Roger wrote:
Subject: Reader Mail
Just commenting on the simple minded dickhead named marc that sent in with a picture of another loser's car with a sticker on the back window suggesting he has "balls" because it said some shit about HOONS innocent until proven guilty. You must be a pathetic little creature to look up to someone like this. You see most people don't get off hearing some asshole screech their tyres and drive their car down a suburban street as fast as they can and rev the engine out till it is about to explode. So marc it is like when you are hiding in your room playing with your little dick, nobody knows or wants to know so go find a place where you can not be heard or seen and take your deadshit mates and "Hoon" all you F***** want and perhaps you won't be bothered by the police. p.s I am guessing you still get a fat looking at that sticker and have given yourself a good flogging many times over it you wanker.
Not everyone that is targetted under the hoon laws is done so fairly. It's reactionary and heavy handed. -Orsm |
doaklsmith wrote:
Subject: Volcanic Eruption Photographed from Space
VOLCANIC VISTAS: On June 12th, astronauts onboard the International Space Station watched in amazement as Russia's Sarychev Peak volcano erupted directly beneath their spacecraft. The rare photo they took is a
must-see. An enormous sulfur dioxide plume from the eruption is now circumnavigating the globe at northern latitudes, producing spectacular sunsets for international air travelers. |
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chris wrote:
Subject: funny sign
found this going to lunch one day... no details plz
Unfortunately I don't thinking gting to K.Y. would help his situation. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Bathroom Pic
Caption was titled "Bathroom Pic: Payback is a bitch, Love ya!". Nothing says love like accidentally pawning your friend's Bathroom Pics on myspace for other folk to give to orsm ;) Love is a funny thing haha. No info if you post please |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: sexy wife
Thought I would send a couple of pics of the naughty girl that is my wife! pics were taken on a beach in Cornwall UK with people watching!!! Hide the details please. |
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Ross wrote:
Subject: The likeness is unbelievable!
In these tough economic times, my government has taken decisive action....... The Milky Bars are on me!
Uncanny. -Orsm |
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Mario wrote:
Subject: Pictures for orsm.net
Hi mate. Long time reader, first time poster here :-) This is what i saw the other day over close to the parra westfied, i thought was funny and took a pic. pls keep my details private. cheers |
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KEYBANGER wrote:
Subject: chekit
Gday Mr O, love the site and all that shyte. Came across this this morning and thought it might give you some ideas next time you need to do an oil change or something. Enjoy, and keep up the good work! |
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James wrote:
Subject: what would you do if...
You found out your husband had just died in a plane crash and a big fat lady next to you then went for the grope? |
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Jason wrote:
Subject: Big bad wolf
just one of the reasons for predator control laws
Poor little guy... -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: a few pics of a internet ex friend
heres a few pics t ouse in rs. we sent emails back and forth for a while and she finally sent me these please withhold my info |
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Jay wrote:
Subject: Albino Moose Pix of a Lifetime
Not one, but two ! Truly amazing ! These animals were photographed just north of the Wisconsin border on a highway near Marenisco , MI .. Once in awhile there is an opportunity to take in a piece of nature that you may never see. In these days of unrest and turmoil it is great to see that Mother Nature can still produce some wondrous beauty. The odds of seeing an albino moose are astronomical and to see this in the upper peninsula of Michigan , near Wisconsin , is even greater than astronomical. To see two of them together is nearly impossible. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: dirty fat slut pics
Hi Mr Orsm, long time reader here from the UK, thought I'd expose this stupid little tart as she's getting irritating now - her email is faffyd_2006@hotmail.com and you can also find her on Facebook - Catherine Davies - not that you'd want to, I mean look at the state of her. She's from a lovely part of England called Liverpool - where nearly all the women look like that. |
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Carson wrote:
Subject: dont have outlook
Sick site i tell everyone i knwo about it. This is a couple pictures i got in Mexico. We were in the country for about 12 hours, after having a few drinks we decided to go for a late night swim. 500$, 6 stiches and a terrifying Mexican doctor visit he was ready to party again |
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b wrote:
Subject: lost his camera in the honeymoon
A friend that works for a hotel found this photos in a camera that someone forgot there. Enjoy. Your site is awesome. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Black Eye
Now I love a topless web cam girl as much as the next guy. This bitch actually went on cam with a Black Eye. I told her once already to stop going on camera! Now I gotta blacken her other eye, because I love her...........Just kidding, Enjoy. Please withold, ORSM Rules! |
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ORSM
VIDEO
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
| CRISTA MOORE...PLEASE! |
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RANDOM SHITE
I can't think of the words to describe this week's RS. My vocabulary simply struggles to get paste and/the/to so if you can think of anything please let me know. Check it...
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A boy walks up to his dad and ask him "Dad what is that thing between a girls legs that has hair on it?" His dad said, "Well son that is called a vagina."
His son thought about that for a minute and then ask, "OK then, what is that little thing that looks like a really small penis in a woman's vagina?" "Well they call that a clitoris son," said the father.
"OK dad, just one more question... what is that really smooth piece of skin that is below a woman's vagina?" The boys dad thinks about this for a minute and says, "Well son, I don't know the medical term for it but I just call it a chin rest."
| A QUIET DAY AT THE OFFICE... |
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There was this man who, many years ago, worked for a large business. That was his lifetime employment, but he wasn't happy there. He wanted to go in business for himself. He saved his money and finally had enough that he could quit and start his own business.
About two years later, I was on vacation and was going through the town where his business was located. I stopped by for a visit. "Hey John, I heard that the first year is the hardest for a new business." "Yeah, the first year was pretty rough, but we are doing pretty good now. In fact, I'm getting to where I only have to work half a day."
"Wow, that's pretty nice. Maybe I should think about going into business for myself." "Yeah, and the nicest part of it is that it doesn't matter which twelve hours you work."
ORSM
VIDEO
Let me make this brief...
- Check out the site archives... because they're sure as heckfire checkin' you out!
- Επόμενη ενημέρωση θα είναι την επόμενη Πέμπτη.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will turn you into the next big thing. You'll be world famous, have legions of fans and be worth millions. Eventually he'll leak rumours that you're into kids, paint you as an eccentric weirdo and make your life a living hell. Right when the worst is behind you, right when you think it's all about to turn around, he'll take you aside and whisper "this is what happens when you don't tell your friends about Orsm" and then give you with a hotshot of Demerol. Trust me - I've seen it happen before...
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ??? . Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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