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| orsmupdate 2009.02.26-23.23 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. We'll drive home backwards.
Gday gday. How the fucking fuck are you fuckers? Fucking good or what? I'm not even going to ask if you missed me because it goes without saying the majority of you guys have spent the last week pining uncontrollably for more Orsm. Go on admit it... it's not about the updates... not about the porn... it's all about my manly way... my awesomeness... right...?
Talk about your shitty weeks. A case of the universe conspiring to kick me -repeatedly- in the kajoolies. Usually when everything goes against me it's a higher power sending me a message to fix something. On the other hand maybe I had it coming... but if you read the paragraph above I don't see how that's possible...
Jump back to Saturday - big engagement party thing I crapped on about last Thurs. Four weeks of ten-fucking-million phone calls, two days solid of running around picking shit up and [despite a few unforseen hiccups] it was a raging success. Then during the speeches where everyone from God to the mailman were thanked I was completely forgotten. Marginalised. Yeah yeah... honest, non-deliberate mistake and shit like this practically never bugs me but I was mentally and physically exhausted, annoyed with several other goings-on that night so the end result was me taking a break in the days following from absolutely everyone. Not a huge deal - there's nothing to fix just leave me the fuck alone until I'm cool.
This in itself is/was quite interesting. I've been on radio silence all week - not taking calls from anyone. Ever done that? It just aint worth it! Ultimately you draw more attention to yourself. Pretty soon the "Why aren't you answering my calls? Whatever I did I'm sorry!" or "I hope you aren't angry with me!" messages follow. Firstly, apologising has never made anyone feel better EVER. Secondly, chill the fuck out. I promise life will go on even if you can't contact someone for a while! [And no Sami this is not aimed at you]. Anyway I'm over it now. Almost back to normal and ready to start being taken for granted again...
Moving on... my little girl [dog]. For some reason her normally black and beautiful snout had lost pigment and begun turning pink. Off to the vet Monday for a blood test, then back the following day for a biopsy. Basically they took flesh samples from around her face and stitched everything back up. While they were at it she got fully x-rayed which showed up a few problems common to dogs of her age and breed. Very upsetting but they assure me there's no need to worry just yet. The results are a week away so it's anyone's guess at the moment...
The icing on my craptastic week was the long awaited root canal. You guys may remember me wussing on about it before Xmas and it's taken until now to get an appointment that I could keep. Admittedly, and despite the fact he drilled 21mm into my jaw, it wasn't all that bad... to the point I almost nodded off at one point. Two days later it's a different story though. Pain. Cant bite down and getting very worried I'll never be able to eat a toffee apple again...
Alright alright alright... time to get busy with this ultimate-monster-huge update. Seriously some of the vids and pics this week are the stuff legends are made of, things you will tell the grandkids about, stuff you'll impress bitches with. And with that - check it..
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Jesus walks into a hotel, rings the bell, and waits for the receptionist to come out. He looks her dead in the eye, slams three nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"
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A prostitute, who was also a Cricket fan, had a tattoo of Brett Lee and Shane Warne on the inside of her thighs. She says to one of her customers, a regular, "If you can guess who they are, you get a free shag". He looks to the left and then to the right and says "I dunno who those ugly bastards are but the one in the middle with the fat lips and curly hair is Andrew Symonds!”
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Timmy, a little white boy, is helping his mum make a chocolate cake when he smears frosting all over his face. "Look mum, I'm black!" he says. His mum slaps the shit out of him and tells Timmy to repeat what he said to his father. Off he goes to his father who also slaps him and tells him to go repeat that to his grandpa. Grandpa does the same thing and tells him to go back to his mother. His mother says, "So Timmy, what have you learnt after all that?" Timmy replies, "Well mum, I've been black for only 5 minutes and already I hate you white cunts."
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Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A: A quarter pounder with cheese.
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Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says, "You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm telling you, her clit was just like a pickle!" "What?" the other asks, "Green?". "No," says the first guy, "a bit sour..."
ORSM
VIDEO
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were holidaying in Europe in Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "we don't have a phone but my master is a doctor. Come in and I will get him!" Bob brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor. I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail.
Igor's master is greatly upset. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master: "Master, Master!! The Hills are alive... with the sound of music!"
| TORY GETS CHOPPED |
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A man takes a day off from work and decides to go out golfing. He's on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron".
The man looks round and doesn't see anyone so he tries again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 Iron. Boom! He hits a birdie. He's shocked!
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing! You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit. 3 Wood," was the reply. The guy takes out a 3 Wood and boom! A hole in one! The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life, and asks the frog, "OK, where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
So they go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, Black 6."
Now, it's a million-to-one shot that this will win, but after the golf game, the man figures, "What the heck?" Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sets the frog down and says, "Gee, Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit. Kiss me."
He figures, "Why not?" After all it did for him, the frog deserves it. In a flash, the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world.
"And that, Your Honor, is how that girl ended up in my room."
ORSM
VIDEO
- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -
Two Aboriginals are riding along a road in the Kimberley on a motorbike. They break down and try to hitch a lift.
Eventually a friendly truckie stops to see if he can help and the Aboriginals ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in his truck as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it.
Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells them he has to leave.
"Hey mate?" they say "C'mon gissa pucken lift brudda jus up dat road a few miles eh".
The truckie once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The Aboriginal asks the driver if he'll take them if they can actually manage to fit themselves into the back and he finally agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the truck so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.
By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough the coppers pull him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies "Aboriginal Eggs".
The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.
"I've got a truck here carrying 20,000 Aboriginal Eggs - 2 have hatched and the bastards have managed to steal a motorbike already!"
| WHAT'S A CALORIES...? |
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Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in Front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. Any questions, I'll be parked around the corner."
She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "One hundred dollars." He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?" "A hand job," Harry replied.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty quid is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and out pops a HUGE smooth and very beautiful penis!
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."She runs back to Harry.
"What's wrong?" he asks, "Any chance you could lend this guy seventy bucks?!"
| PLACES TO GO BEFORE YOU DIE: VABBINFARU, MALDIVES |
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READER MAIL
If you've never submitted something then don't be shy - I almost never bite and rarely publish an email address unless the sender is a complete and utter dickhead. We're always on the lookout for just about anything you can staple to an email including funny videos, ex or current girlfriend pornography, jokes, random pictures or pretty much anything you think is entertaining. And all you must do is click here and make it happen.
fred wrote:
Subject: RE: Just One Goose Jet Engine video by Jay
Dear ORSM. Great site, but could you inform the uninformed Mr. Jay who posted a video of a test run on a General Electric GEnx Engine that the test was in fact conducted to detail the specific criteria on engine casing integrity in the event that the engine should suffer a blade failure separation on the by pass fan at the front of the engine. The multi colored blade can clearly be seen and is painted as such so it can be aligned with the high speed cameras which are recording the sequence of events at 2500 frames per second. The blade was attched using an explosive bolt which when fired relaesed the blade into the engine to directly cause the damage as recorded and to certify the engine casing as sutiably designed in the event that this same incident should occur on board a passenger aircraft. In short, THERE WAS NO GOOSE INVOLVED. |
xitz wrote:
Subject: muslims bathing habits
Here in Western Australia there's been a bit of a Ker-fuffle because Adventure World banned muslims from using the public pool fully clothed, they claimed racial discrimination because what they were wearing was in accordance with Allah's wishes !! did anyone notice the opinion column in Fridays (19/2/09) West Australia ?? I'm quoting this from memory, so may not be word for word... "I have no objections to muslims swimming fully clothed in my pool, providing they have no objection to our family swimming nude in their pool". What can you say ?? BEW-TI-FULL |
Port Headland Princess wrote:
Subject: North Qld floods !!!
This is one of the best pictures that I have seen in a long time. We heard all about the brave fireman giving the koala a drink during the the Victorian bushfires, but this one shows just how much compassion. For some reason it didn't make it to front page. A true unsung hero. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: fucking redneck
In Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada there's a small suburb called "Transcona". It is known to locals for its white-trash / redneck residents. I was at a local 7-11 when I saw this. Maybe its time to drop that rig back down a few inches Cletus.
Love the site, keep it up! |
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Stuart wrote:
Subject: She's married
She's married. Just check the ring. The ring on her left finger, I mean...
All the good ones are taken... -Orsm
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xitz wrote:
Subject: HO HO HA HA HAA
Ho Ho Ha Ha Haaa 50,000 ??? he's gotta be joking, he'll be lucky if he can find 5 who are willing to work
Shouldn't laugh BUT... -Orsm |
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dale wrote:
Subject: Competition for the best balcony
If i had to choose any to win , it wouldnt be any of them, as there all high maintance.
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graeme wrote:
Subject: Boating in the Pilbara - you're doing it wrong!
G'day mr orsm, as you would well aware, there's been a bit of rain up north over the past week. Maybe this guy should've swapped the boat and truack around? That's North West Coastal Highway by the way |
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Andrew wrote:
Subject: Brisbane Crane Accident
Side loading destroys crane.
The boom of a 100 tonne Liebherr LTR 1100 telescopic crawler crane collapsed on Monday while working on a concrete tilt-up job in Brisbane, Queensland, Australia. It is clear from this view that the crane was well off level. |
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M wrote:
Subject: Shark
Shark off Busselton jetty this morning - Thinking of going for a swim in Busselton anytime soon??
FYI that area is very popular with swimmers and anglers. -Orsm
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Andrew wrote:
Subject: Landcruiser V8 Power
Burnout in driveway is fun – remembering to stop is better fun. i feel this is hilarious!!!! apparently happened down bunbury way.... hahahahaha.
Quick touch-up will sort that no worries. -Orsm
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Ross wrote:
Subject: Bank of Mexico
Drug Money! The Mexicans cloned a Texas DOT Truck and got busted smuggling drugs... I wonder how long they got away with it before they got busted? |
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micko slickster wrote:
Subject: Ex gf pics
Hello Mr Orsm, Here are some pics of an ex GF. She was a real angel as you can see. I took these pics a few years ago one afternoon in a hotel room in rural France after a hot romp. Very sexy watching her wash her pussy in a bidet after all the action, don't you think? Please hide my details. Thanks. |
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Terry wrote:
Subject: A few days ago
I don't think that this should happen but it's probably sensible to disconnect from the charger when answering a call. A few days ago, a person was recharging his cell phone at home. Just at that time a call came in and he answered it with the instrument still connected to the outlet. After a few seconds electricity flowed into the cell phone unrestrained and
the young man was thrown to the ground with a heavy thud. His parents rushed to the room only to find him unconscious, with a weak heartbeat and burnt fingers. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: i love your site
here are a few pics from a slut i met on a certain website hope you enjoy love the site been a fan for years an thought id reward all your hard work please keep my details secret thanks orsm |
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matt wrote:
Subject: hernia surgery gone wrong pics
great site! the first thing i do on thursdays when i get home from work is check the site! these are some pics from my brothers hernia surgery. the doctor left part of a medical sponge in and it got so infected that they had to just open it up and wait for the antibiotics could work before they could do anything to fix it! thanks, matt from detroit |
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Ben wrote:
Subject: Millstream
Millstream Flooding. No trains for rio... |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Snake bite pics
I got bit by my emerald tree boa the other night. Sure made a bloody mess! Keep my info private. thnx |
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OneMan wrote:
Subject: UNSOLD CARS
Wow. If you want a new car wait a few months. They may be "giving" them away. This is brutal, world wide!
Simply wow. -Orsm |
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PAVLOS wrote:
Subject: jet engine a 320
running jet engine flight from Thessaloníki Greece to Frankfurt / main. non stop with aegean a320 / 200.
I don't know why that's cool... it just is. -Orsm |
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David wrote:
Subject: Police Shooting Watch it first-Then scroll down....
Watch the video and what do you see? The Officers are ordering the suspect to put the rifle down and it "appears" he is complying and then he's shot! Is that what you see? Watch the video again and watch the suspect's right hand while he places the rifle down with his left hand! What you don't see, but the officer behind the suspect does see, is the suspect pulling a hidden handgun from his rear pants with his right hand. Just a reminder, what you think you see at first does not always tell the truth. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: You have got to watch this - Sooooooooo Funny
What a knob drives 400 miles to meet a woman who doesn't exist. usual hide my detials please fella
So so cruel. Those guys are going to hell! -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: HUGE pussy
Hey ORSM....love your site. Thought your readers might like a look at my ladies HUGE pussy lips. Enjoy and please withhold my info. |
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Terry wrote:
Subject: U.S. Navy Seal Extraction
Retrieving the captain's gig!!! This really takes some skill! Attached is a rarely seen perspective: a video of a U.S. Navy SEAL Extraction was filmed from inside an MH-47 Chinook helicopter.. The pilot has lowered the ramp, dipped the tail end into the water to partially flood the compartment (a maneuver that requires quite precise flying) and awaits the Navy SEALs to board in their F470 Zodiac. No matter what you think of this war, you have just got to love the skill of the military.... Easy to lose lift and ditch the whole chopper. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: romford chick
hi orsm big fan, great site and all that jazz. Heres a little just turned 18 sweetie, my friends sister wanted to see what she looked like on camera, my friend sneeking around found it on her computer and here you go. please don'nt post my details.thanks, enjoy.
Perfect. -Orsm
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ORSM
VIDEO
TRIVIAL ANIMAL TRIVIA
RABBITS love liquorice but it is very bad for them because they cannot digest sugars.
DALMATIONS are the only breed of dog that gets gout (because they are the only mammals, other than humans, which produce uric acid).
SLUGS have four noses - well actually a pair of gills for breathing and a pair of rhinopores (chemosensory organs) used for smelling.
HONEYBEES have hairs on their eyes to help them collect pollen.
The left leg of a CHICKEN is tenderer than the right one, which it uses most, therefore increasing muscle development.
The sperm of a MOUSE is longer than the sperm of an elephant.
MICE are highly promiscuous and need particularly large testes to keep up with demand.
More human deaths have been attributed to FLEAS than all the wars ever fought. As carriers of the bubonic plague, fleas were responsible for killing one third of the population of Europe in the 14th century.
A CAT uses its whiskers to determine if a space is too small to squeeze through.
GOLDFISH lose their colour if kept in dim light. Much like humans getting a tan, they need sunlight to keep their pigment.
ALBATROSSES have a wing span of up to 14ft and need to land only once every couple of years to breed. They can travel hundreds of thousands of miles each flight.
Certain Chinese and American ALLIGATORS can survive the winter by freezing their heads in ice, leaving their nose out to breath for months on end.
DOLPHINS sleep with one half of the brain at a time, and one eye closed.
When two DOGS approach each other, the dog which wags its tail very slowly - showing anger - is in charge.
Some LIONS can mate more than 50 times a day.
If you lift a KANGAROO'S tail off the ground it can't hop - they use their tails for balance.
For every person there are roughly 200 million INSECTS.
A CROCODILE cannot stick its tongue out, because it is attached to the bottom of its mouth. This is why they appear to gulp their food down.
ELEPHANTS are the only mammals that can't jump.
CAMELS have three eyelids to protect themselves from blowing sand.
Many HAMSTERS blink only one eye at a time.
A FLAMINGO can eat only when its head is upside down. Its tongue pumps water through the sieve-like ridges that line its beak in order to trap microscopic algae.
A DOLPHIN'S hearing is so acute that it can pick up an underwater sound from 15 miles away.
BUTTERFLIES taste with their hind feet.
A SNAIL can sleep for three years if conditions are adverse (such as during a drought).
BEES have five eyes - three small ones on top of their head and two larger ones in front.
POLAR BEARS are the only mammal with hair on the soles of their feet. It helps them to get a good grip on icy surfaces, and also acts as a heat insulator.
Most ELEPHANTS weigh less than the tongue of a blue whale.
The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their head are the RABBIT and the PARROT.
PENGUINS can jump as high as 6ft in the air.
The last animal in the dictionary is the ZYZZYVA, a tropical weevil.
ELEPHANTS have been found swimming miles from shore in the Indian Ocean.
The leg bones of a BAT are so thin that they cannot walk.
GREAT WHITE SHARKS can go as long as three months without eating.
GOAT'S eyes have rectangular pupils, which enable them to watch over their broad, flat grazing area for predators.
KIWI BIRDS are blind and hunt by smell.
GIRAFFES have no vocal cords and communicate by vibrating the air around their necks.
A female OYSTER may produce 100 million young over her lifetime.
MOSQUITOES are attracted to the color blue twice as much as to any other color.
No two ZEBRAS have the same markings.
The longest recorded flight of a CHICKEN is 13 seconds.
A BEE must visit 4,000 flowers to make one tablespoon of honey.
By swallowing water, the PUFFER FISH becomes too big for other fish to swallow.
A full-grown BEAR can run as fast as a horse.
Female FLEAS drink 15 times their weight in blood every day.
When a GIRAFFE'S baby is born, it falls from a height of 6ft, usually without being hurt.
A DRAGONFLY can spot an insect moving 33ft away.
CAMEL milk does not curdle, because it has adapted to the desert heat.
POLAR BEARS can swim 60 miles without pausing for a rest.
| JAMIE HAMMER |
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A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1955, ma'am." "Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955." The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
| FARM FUCKED |
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An Israeli doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor says "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.
A Russian doctor says "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says "You guys are way behind, we took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the WORLD is looking for work."
ORSM
VIDEO
I finally fucking made it. Some serious hours went into this puppy, helped along by an 18 hour marathon effort yesterday. Was it all worth it? Fuck yeah... and shit. Oh by the way...
- Check out the site archives. Every single update from now back to 1952 when I first start Orsm, meticulously archived for your viewing pleasure.
- Next update will be next Thursday or the day before Friday at the latest.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will vomit in your mouth.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and have a happy long weekend! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2009.02.19-23.16 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Such is laugh.
Has been a fucking busy week. The fucking phone has not stopped fucking ringing and there's been constant fucking chatter and organisation of the big fucking engagement party this weekend. Not mine of course, I'm unloved [unlovable?]. My sister and her significant other have the spotlight for this crater on the social calendar and I've found myself involved probably more than I need to be. Why? Because it's a mash of everyone either reluctant to delegate or wary of assuming control. Careful not to step on toes basically.
That's where I come in because I'm the only [normal] one in my family that doesn't have issues with anyone and [know how to] discuss things without starting a big, protracted argument. And when feathers are ruffled I'm immediately drawn in to calm people down and restore peace to the galaxy. Intermediary, adjudicator and peacemaker all rolled into one. I am Jedi.
It's a tirade of "Can you call Person X and find out what they want to do because it's probably better coming from you?" and "All I said to Person Y was this. You tell me what I did wrong?" or "Person Z really needs to get this sorted. Can you let them know please?" And on and on and on... does my head in.
Issues have ranged from catering to booze to who is invited and how many and is that person going to go bananas with this person there. All the usual shit I suppose but I've been Best Man at two weddings now and I don't remember any of them having so much drama attached. It's tiring but hasn't been without fun at least. Yesterday for instance I message my extremely stressed out sis saying that Person Z had flipped out, won't be helping with food and wouldn't be coming. Literally moments later the phone rings, I break out laughing, receive some extremely colourful language in return and am still copping the silent treatment. All worth it though.
And to think all this is just the engagement. The path to the wedding will no doubt be a mine field. Tears will be shed, lives will be lost. Something to look forward to I guess...
Moving on to the Orsm Movie Review segment... I was somehow talked into watching The Curious case Of Benjamin Button on Friday. To anyone thinking of going to see it - don't!. Stay home, fake sickness, kill yourself... do whatever you can to avoid the biggest pile of shit since chronic diarrhoea. Why? It's boring, shallow, predictable, long and uninspiring. Let me save you 2.5 hours of your life: he is born as a wrinkly, old baby and lives his life in reverse. That's it. The rest is just Forest Gump.
Alright that's enough senseless babbling even for me... and I'm writing it. Can't imagine what it would be like for you guys reading but I apologise nonetheless. Let's get busy with the update. As always a fucking shitload of work has gone into sticking it all together so if it sucks then too bloody bad! Check it...
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Ahmed the Arab came to Australia from the Middle East. He was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said: "Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes." Ahmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes. Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?" The doctor said "You were homesick!"
--
Took the missus out last nite... one punch... fuckin' beauty.
--
How do you make a dog quit humping your leg? Pick it up and suck its dick.
--
A guy is sitting in a bar; absolutely drooling at a pretty young thing in her short, pink mini-dress. Using the time-honoured icebreaker, he sends her a drink. "How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him. They strike up a wonderful conversation. Finally, the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl. I get two hundred dollars for what you think you will ply out of me with liquor." He replies, "I have no problem with the money but, since you were so straightforward I must tell you that when I come, I go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture, and just plain destroy the place." "Oh my God! How long does that last?" she asked. "Just until I get my two hundred bucks back," he replied.
ORSM VIDEO
One night in the bar, the owner is lamenting the fact that business is so quiet on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays. As he moans to some of the regulars a stranger, dressed in a tweed jacket and wearing glasses wanders over and says, "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation. I'm a doctor at the lunatic asylum up the road and I'm trying to integrate some of the more sane individuals into the community. Why don't I bring some of my patients along, say next Tuesday? You'll have some customers and my patients will have a night out."
Well, the publican isn't sure but the thought of more paying customers on a quiet night appeals, so he agrees.
The following Tuesday the guy in the tweed jacket and glasses shows up with about ten lunatics. He says to the publican, "They might try to pay for their drinks in unusual ways, please just accept whatever they give you, put it all on a tab and I'll settle up at closing time."
The barman has a great time selling loads of drinks and encouraging the loonies to eat chips and peanuts. The loonies have a great time, getting drunk and paying for their drinks with empty Coke cans, banana peels, used tea bags and plastic shopping bags.
At closing time the barman adds up the bill and it comes to just over two hundred dollars! The guy with the glasses and the tweed jacket starts to organize the loonies ready to take them back to the asylum. Finally he comes over and asks for the bill. The publican, feeling that he's charged them rather a lot and feeling he should do his bit to help these poor unfortunate people gives him a discount.
"Let's call it $150," he says. The guy in the tweed jacket smiles and says, "That's fine. Have you got change for a garbage can?"
| LUX KASSIDY |
 |
|
GIVE IT TO ME STRAIGHT DOC
A man dashes into the Emergency Department and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi". I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxis and I was in the wrong one.
At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch" the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly."Now your left. Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive."
I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked "So how was your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" Bob replied. I asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled "KY Jelly."
A nurse was on duty in the emergency when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read. "Keep off the grass". Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read: Sorry, we had to mow the lawn."
ORSM VIDEO
- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -
GOOD HOUSEKEEPER OR REAL WOMAN: TIPS FOR THE MODERN WOMAN
THE GOOD HOUSEKEEPING WAY:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice-cream cone to prevent ice cream drips.
THE REAL WOMEN'S WAY:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
THE GOOD HOUSEKEEPING WAY:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
THE REAL WOMEN'S WAY:
Buy Deb mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
THE GOOD HOUSEKEEPING WAY:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
THE REAL WOMEN'S WAY:
The Cheese Cake Shop sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.
THE GOOD HOUSEKEEPING WAY:
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.
THE REAL WOMEN'S WAY:
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's just tough. Please recite with me the Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
THE GOOD HOUSEKEEPING WAY:
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
THE REAL WOMEN'S WAY:
It could keep forever. I don't eat it.
THE GOOD HOUSEKEEPING WAY:
Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
THE REAL WOMEN'S WAY:
Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing any egg whites over the crust so I don't do that.
THE GOOD HOUSEKEEPING WAY:
Got a headaches? Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
THE REAL WOMEN'S WAY:
Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it into a mug of tequila. Drink the Tequila. You might still have the headache, but at least you will be too drunk to care.
THE GOOD HOUSEKEEPING WAY:
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
THE REAL WOMEN'S WAY:
Go ask mister cute arse, cute legs, single neighbour to do it for you.
THE GOOD HOUSEKEEPING WAY:
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
THE REAL WOMEN'S WAY:
Left over wine???? Helloooo...
| BILLBOARD FUNNIES |
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|
A German Shepherd and a Rottweiler are sitting in neighbouring cages at the vets. The Shepherd looks over to the Rotty and says "So what are you in for?". The Rotty says "My master left me in the house all day alone and I got a bit bored, so I chewed up all the furniture. Come that evening the kids got home from school, and, me being a Rottweiler, I ate them... so I'm in to get put down. What about you?"
The Shepherd says "Well sort of a similar thing happened to me really. I was also left by my master all day. My mistress came home from her aerobics class in the afternoon and jumped straight into the shower. When she came out she dropped her towel and bent over to pick it up, me being a German Shepherd and hung like a horse I mounted her and got stuck in."
The Rottweiler says "So you're in here to be put down too huh?" The Shepherd replies "No, I'm in here to get my nails clipped..."
| EXTREME OFFROAD |
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|
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READER MAIL
Got something Orsm-worthy? Submit it! If your shit is good enough it'll be featured on the main page and then archived for all eternity. On the Orsm want list are pics of your terrible ex-girlfriend, tasty current girlfriend, jokes, funny videos and pretty much anything else you can staple to an email and send my way. All you must do is click here to make it happen.
gordo wrote:
Subject: Cobra In The Toilet
That brings back a bad memory. Many years ago me and my brother got a call from our "little old maid" Great Aunt that she had a snake in her toilet tank. Thinking no way, we went to check it out. Got over there and got a heavy pair of leather gloves on and slowly raised the tank lid and used a flashlight to check inside,,,,, saw a pair of beady eyes staring back at us. Closed the lid. Made a snare out of a coat hanger and piece of cord and went back at it,,,, shined the light in his eyes and slipped the noose around its' head and cinched up on it. Took a while to untangle the 4' Water Moccasin (Cotton Mouth) from around the innards of the tank.
Huntsman spider on the toilet wall as a kid has made sure that every toilet I've ever used since is checked for spiders... those pictures now have me checking for snakes. -Orsm
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Matt wrote:
Subject: Whats crackin
Thought you may be interested in the attached pic, we went to Church at St.Thomas's in claremont on Christmas day and when we came out of church noticed the attached on the sign!! Classic Keep well and stay off the chems!!! |
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cunnox wrote:
Subject: Test your general knowledge
There are more than 100 well known persons on this picture. You have to be able to recognize at least 30 to be considered as a intelligent person with good general knowledge and broad interests.
I'm not in there? Odd. -Orsm
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Craig wrote:
Subject: The Kiss Snatcher
Hey there Mr Orsm. Found this all over the back of a Vic reg'd car visiting Adelaide recently. Didn't get a look at the driver. Cheers.
|
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: random shite
Hi mr orsm. Long time fan, first time writer. Spotted Michael Jackson in Fitzroy in Melbourne a few months ago, and its true what they say about mazda mx5 drivers |
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Jay wrote:
Subject: Pick Up---DOG
A lady was telling her neighbor that she saw a man driving a pick-up truck down the interstate, and a dog was hanging onto the tail gate for dear life! She said if the pick-up truck driver hadn't been going so fast in the other direction, she would have tried to stop him. A few weeks later, her neighbor saw this truck at the Bass Pro Shop. The pick-up truck driver is a local taxidermist with a great sense of humor! And it is not a dog it is a coyote. |
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Lee wrote:
Subject: wii fit
My mate kingy couldn't get a wii fit anywhere, so he improvised. Ha-ha. Great site.
There is a supersize version called the Wii Fat... boom tsssssh! -Orsm
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Matt wrote:
Subject: Bandaid
She wanted a bandaid stuck on her leg after a motorbike crash at a party. That's what she got. This is what the pissed first aid came up with.
I don't see any blood. Looks like it worked! -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pic
Pic of a girl I met. I wish to remain anonymous |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: UK Peugeot Owners Manual
Hey Orsm, Great site, longtime viewer my first contribution blah blah. Hide my details.. blah blah blah.. This is a scan of the Peugeot 106's owners manual. It's good to see Peugeot have thought of this problem, just in case you have any problems with your lady down a dark lane! |
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Steven wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Wedding Day in the Yarra Valley last weekend
Did they still have the wedding? -Orsm
|
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cunnox wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Black Saturday |
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Chris wrote:
Subject: Pics
Bendigo Photos... |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Stackers
A friend was around when this LDV pulled in for petrol. These African guys knows how to stack and balance their loads. The buckets on top are for carrying cholera infected water in the rural areas. Please hide my details. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Just something to Share
Here is a 20 year old girl I met on Myspace. She was a little freak and liked it rough. Just wanted to share with everyone. Keep the email and name confidential thanks for all the good work. |
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Sec Sec wrote:
Subject: from Romania... :)
Hi, fun from Romania... :)
Look, lock, leave. -Orsm |
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CJ wrote:
Subject: Nature at Work
Hi Orsm, Some amazing pictures of what happpened when a Rattlesnake met up with one of his cousins. Cheers.
It's a snake eat snake world... BOOM TSSSSSH! -Orsm
|
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Phil & kids wrote:
Subject: Snowman
Hey Orsm, Firstly love your website been looking at it now for months great stuff so thought it bout time I sent you something. Me and the kids were making a 5ft snowman the other night complete with a 2ft cock and balls and they thought it was hilarious cause it upset the missus so if you have room and want to put some pics on your random shite here are five pic the best. Cheers |
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OneMan wrote:
Subject: Rollover
Truck rollover main street truro. talk about a road block!
That'll buff right out. Bit of poilsh and touch up - no worries mate! -Orsm
|
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
A few photos of the wife..... you know the score with me dats... keep up the good work..... will you be wanting more fotos????
Nice vajayjay but I demand boobs! -Orsm
|
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Jay wrote:
Subject: Just One Goose
Though difficult to see, that is hard to see the goose's entry, just one dead goose was injested into the engine. The goose is fired from an air cannon into the engine intake in order to replicate actual air speed. |
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Oid wrote:
Subject: Noongah Out Da Front
Mr orsm. in case you havent heard this yet......its fantastic... pls keep my details private
That is so terribly racist that once you all finish laughing I hope you feel bad. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: More gifts from me to orsm
G'day Orsm and all its fans. Some weeks ago you posted pics of my X gobbling my log (nice!) here is a small clip from the same encounter with her, hope you post it. Cheers PS: more vids coming, keep up the great work , and hide my details ;) |
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ORSM
VIDEO
These were posted on an Australian tourism forum and the answers are the actual responses from the Aussie forum users...
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross... come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races.... come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, friendly and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. Human urine should be used as a repellent before going out walking.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
| RILEY CHASE |
 |
|
RANDOM SHITE
This week's RS is dynamic, extraordinary, unprecedented and conducive to uncontrollable excitement. Not unlike myself really. Check it...
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There was a young girl who lived up in the hills of Tennessee. She was about to turn sixteen, and couldn't wait to get her driver's license. She had been subjected to much ribbing from her older brother, telling her that she was too dumb to get her license.
When the big day came around, she passed the test with flying colours. She rushed home and asked her father if she could use the car that night so she and her friend could go in to town to see a movie.
The father said, "Sure honey, but you'll have to give me a blow-job first." REALLY wanting the car, she agreed.
As she went down on her father, she suddenly jumped up and said "Dad your dick tastes like shit!" Oh yea, her father replied, "I forgot, your brother's got the car tonight!"
| DON'T TAKE THE BUS |
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|
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.
The four brothers walked into Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
Henry got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
Now Henry Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.
And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show: Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls. So, now you know...
ORSM
VIDEO
And with that the update is pretty much over. Somewhat surprisingly I might add - with the countless interruptions this week I'm almost amazed it came together but when you factor in my mad skillz its really not surprising at all. Now that I'm done praising myself it's time to jump to the outro...
- Check out the site archives. They're free to access and contain hours of fun for the whole family.
- Next update will be next Thursday. God willing.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will ply you with McDonalds until you get really fat so you have something in common.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and here's to happy families. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
| |
| orsmupdate 2009.02.12-23.44 |
|
Welcome to Orsm.net. A trick is something a whore does for money.
And here we are again... just you, me and the internets.
First up - cheers to everyone who sent 'hope you're okay' emails regarding the fires in Victoria. I'm on the other side of the country so well away from it. The same can't be said for the 180 now confirmed dead and with that number expected to surge in coming days it's truly devastating. Add to that countless injured people, over 1000 homes destroyed and pretty quickly you have Australia's equivalent of Hurricane Katrina.
Without fail we get bushfires every summer. It doesn't matter how vigilant people are, property and sometimes lives are lost but rarely are this many people affected. Life goes on though and like all the fucked up things that happen every day you remain oblivious because it doesn't directly affect you. Katrina is actually a good example here - absolutely terrible what happened but it was a world away and hard to get drawn in. A lot different when it's your own backyard however.
Apparently the fires made news all around the world so I'm not sure what you guys have seen but almost all the stories to come out of it are tragic. Watching people reunite with their loved ones is an up but seeing others get news their loved ones are gone, people realising everything they owned has been turned into ash and entire towns wiped off the map is nothing short of heartbreaking.
That said, I think the saddest thing about all this is the wildlife. The millions of animals killed are probably the lucky ones. For the ones that remain their entire habitats have been vaporised which means no shelter and no food - literally nothing left for miles and miles and there won't be for many years to come. The same applies for livestock and family pets. Staggering when you realise what the real toll is.
I don't know whether to be impressed or annoyed with the TV coverage. It's been stunningly comprehensive but honestly there are only so many people crying, flattened houses and burnt out car shells you can look at before the impact is lost. This has been delivered to us by extended news bulletins and special coverage which have gone out to understandably massive ratings -everyone is watching- which in itself makes me wonder if TV networks increase their ad rates during these times to capitalise...
Oh yeah... check this guy out. Basically he says Australia is a godless country and we had it coming. Leave it to the religious retards to twist words written eons ago into driving forward their own misguided agenda. Interestingly, the column appears to have been re-written and edited several times in the last couple of days along with the removal of the authors email address... maybe he was getting hate mail? Not to worry though - here it is for anyone that may feel inclined to contact him.
One final thing -especially to the Aussies- if you haven't donated to the bushfire appeal then don't be a scrooge and dig deep.
Okay let's get a boogy on. Check it...
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Game Time - Shake Tha Bootay - Shakira's Shake - Beyonce Bounce - Fisting? - Alba Bikini - Train BJ - Super Freaks
Get Em Out - Excellent Tata's - Jiggly Boobs - Naughty Nigella - Good Girls - Pink Bikini - Viagra Lover
Volley Babes - Kinda Gay - Mmmm Melyssa - Crazy Fetish - Lovely MILF - Killer Cleav - Mile High Club - Flex-ability
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE...
A Chinese guy walks into a bar, sees the black bartender, and says "Get me beer, nigga!" The bartender says "What did you say to me!?" to which the Chinese man replies "You heard me the first time, now go get me a beer nigga!" The bartender looks around for a second, obviously quite stunned, then replies "How would you like it if our positions were reversed? I don't think you'd want to be spoken to like that!" The Chinese man says "Really nigga? Alright then, let's switch positions." So they do, and the black bartender walks out of the bar while the Chinese man gets behind it. The black man walks back in and says "Get me a beer, you stupid chink!" to which the Chinese man replies "I'm sorry, we no serve niggas here."
---
Question: When you apply for Welfare in Pakistan, Lebanon, Somalia or Africa... what does that Government give you? Answer: a map of how to get to Australia.
--
Q: How do you stop your next door neighbours children from jumping your fence? A: Molest them.
--
Q: Why can't Stevie Wonder read? A: Because he's black.
ORSM VIDEO
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a sniffer dog. "His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says "Watch this." He tells Smithy to 'search'. Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land." "Say, that's pretty neat," replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.
The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police." "I like it!" says his seat mate.
The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again. Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent "What the hell is going on?" The agent nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!!"
| EVE LAURENCE |
 |
|
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes! That's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
"Unbelievable," the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognise you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli".
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Mary? Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here!?"
ORSM
VIDEO
- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -
AIRLINE ANNOUNCEMENTS
United Flight Attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that."
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate"
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses...except for that gentleman over there."
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City ... The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
| ICE RECOVERY |
 |
|
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these! They're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever. The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?"
"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a Royal Flush beats a Pair..."
| TAPERED |
 |
|
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READER MAIL
If you would like to submit something to be featured in an Orsm update, become part of the cool crowd, the A-List, Fonzie-like, then we're always on the look out for messed up vids, ex-girlfriend pics, killer jokes or pretty much anything else you can stick in an email and jam down your modem. All you must do is click here, make it happen and immediately you will start feeling better about yourself...
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Koala pic...
So there is a fireman out there who is thinks he has done something unique......
Apart from the fact that you posted that great pic of cyclists giving a Koala a drink in your last update before the fires.. I am thinking we have a copycat! (an ORSM reading copycat that is.!) the only genuine article here is the poor Koala.... but well done to the fireman who took the time to record the whole thing and then get his name and tape into the media's hands..
The true CFA volunteers who are heroes are the ones who go about there business quietly and don't seek attention for there efforts. Lets not get carried away with politically correct answers of support for anyone who wears a fireman's uniform, all you need to do is wander down to a local station and sign up - that's it.! From people I know who are in the CFA and have been to the fires, they are already telling of how the looting has often been done from those on the red trucks.
and how many arsonists have been taken into custody with a CFA uniform in their wardrobe. A long life to the true fire-fighters, not the pretend ones.
|
bernie wrote:
Subject: Bundaberg on Australia Day
In regards to Jimbo's story on Australia Day I can say after 12 years here that the place is red neck city (not all tho).
I was the sole security staff member on duty on an ANZAC Day weekend at the Bundaberg RSL.
The place is run by an EX bank manager with a private boys school mentality towards staff. The duty manager on this night was an obese ex police sergents daughter who FREAKED when members of the Patriots Motorcycle Club turned up.
This club is made up from I believe current and ex serving members of the Australian Military.
The red neck bitch in charge told me to refuse them entry and wouldn't hear anything against it???
so now we have a pub that wont let Australians stay and an RSL that refuse entry to current and Ex serving Military that ride Motorcycles in a social club?
cant walk home at night cause the street mongrels will kick you to death for a smoke bloke, then get off with a slap on the wrist. bring on the banjo players eh? |
Stuart wrote:
Subject: Food For Thought
The Global Islamic population is approximately 1,200,000,000. ONE BILLION TWO HUNDRED MILLION or 20% of the world's population. They have received the following Nobel Prizes... [continues...] |
Odo wrote:
Subject: Re: "YES, NOW KNOW THE NAVY IS IN DISTRESS"
Until recently an inverted flag was a maritime sign for distress. It was abandoned because the flags of some nations are difficult to discern as 'in distress' when inverted. Cheers! |
Roland wrote:
Subject: farewell george
Hi Orsm, Great site blablabla, makes me like Thursday ;-) nearly as much as Beer and boobies, nearly.. I just wanted to ask if Mike from Texas is George W in disguise ? . "irregardless" what's that ? isn't regardless enough? seriously, do people use spell checker ?? even better "innocent civilians they are hiding behind" ?? anyhow don't post my details, don't feel like receiving the wrath of god or an irate Texan. Who knows might be the same thing. Keep up the good work and tell Ray to calm down with the scotch tape and guinea pigs, people are getting suspicious ! |
X7R wrote:
Subject: How not to post your newborn's photos on facebook
I've been lurking your site for quite some time now.. I just wanted to drop
you a note and tell you that your site makes my Thursdays worth waking up
for! |
 |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: pic
A pic of a girl i met.. I wish to remain anonymous please
Nice bewbs. We demand more! -Orsm
|
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Sam wrote:
Subject: Hi!
Hi mate! i am a Fan of your Site! and This a a pic that will Help you whit you Nude pic! :D ;D Strangly Enough! i resived it From my father lol :D Well, :D Stay Cool mate! |
 |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Lucky me
This is the little beauty my wife fetched back for a 3sum. She shared, so I thought I would share too. Please withhold details
If your wife is looking for anyone else I can be reached here. -Orsm
|
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Josh wrote:
Subject: weather
Mr. Orsm, While you are stuck with the hot and humid weather, we are freezing. I checked the forecast the other day, and it said we were warming up. Good news until you see the pic. Well I guess one can always dress warmer right? Keep up the good work. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pic
Hey Orsm - This ran on a local Fox station in Spokane Washington...I think that B was supposed to be a P! Please leave out the contact info |
 |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Marketing Ploy
Not sure that this is the best marketing ploy for advertising your hotel - needless to say we're not staying there! Please hide my details. |
 |
Richard wrote:
Subject: the perfect job
Hi Orsm, Not quite the job currently of offer in Australia but the closest I will get here in SA :-) |
 |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Randome stuff for Orsm :)
My mate hates Michael Clarke and given any chance tears bits off him, thought this pic be funny for your random shit, Cheers, with hold details |
 |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Some pics from the fires
Glad I didn't have to go through this. Bad enough having people I know in several of the affected areas. Remember that even if you can't donate in a monetary fashion, blood donations are critically important for burns victims, especially so as they need plasma products that apparently only have a shelf life of a few days at the best of times, so do what you can with the Red Cross or donate some $$'s at one of the many other places now accepting donations. |
 |
Travis wrote:
Subject: How much heat can a Koala Bear
I know you got heaps, but I thought you might like it all the same
So so sad. -Orsm |
 |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Derailed
This is that Rio train that derailed last week. Hide my name :)
Happens to the best of us... -Orsm
|
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: some x girl pics
hey. been a fan of the site for years...now i think its my time to contribute to it.. love the site and please keep my infor private thanks |
 |
Travis wrote:
Subject: Dog
Where's my dog?
Poor little guy. -Orsm
|
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: What would you do
Great stuff and all the other shit.Got this snaps from a mate of mine. A Cobra crawled through the pipe from the septic tank and appear uninvited in the throne. They got it eventually out..... looks like! |
 |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: good bits
hi great site have been into it for a few years now ,, anyhow was checking out the weeks page and wow theres my ex wifes tits (good tits 04/02/09) down the near the bottom ,,, so thought i might show you a few pixs that got in the mean time ,,,,, this lovely little fox had a great set of lips and tight had lube the crap out of it and after about two of sex it looked like was gunna hurt in the morning !! pls hide my info but can send more pixs !!! |
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Andrew wrote:
Subject: OWNED FOR 48 HR
It happened at Curragh mine - Central Qld. Car had been on site for 48hrs, less than 1000km on clock. OCE attempted to retrieve vehicle as hauler was rolling toward it. Note ROPs over cab has been torn out of cabguard framework, without bending any surrounding metal. Unseen (still) on back of ute is new truck wheel chock (un-used). |
 |
Gary wrote:
Subject: Should I employ him?
I recently received this from an advert I placed in the local job centre.
Any takers. Goes without saying he would be an exemplary employee. -Orsm |
 |
Johnee wrote:
Subject: Forklift Quarters
Hey Hey! Here's a clip of a buddy of mine picking up a U.S. Quarter with a forklift with commentary by yours truly. Good humor! Enjoy!
Totally pointless yet somewhat impressive. -Orsm
|
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Letter to wife
Hi there Mr Orsm, Long time viewer first time contributor. Here's a letter I sent to my now ex-wife. Please keep my contact details anonymous. Regards |
|
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Impresive Video of Los Zetas
Hi my firend, As you know in many parts of the world drug Cartels and their members (executioners) perform crimes in order to scare politicians, police and military police who do not want to cooperate with them, in order to have a path free of obstacules so that their drugs get to their clients. The people of the video were probably rivals to the Zetas, a Wing of the Cartel of the Gulf Of Mexico. |
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Stuart wrote:
Subject: An insurance claim form
I just got sent this from a mate of mine. Hilarious. See attcahed. |
|
Cam wrote:
Subject: Posted
Gday Orsm, Love the web site , hope the following videos I sent you get posted on your great site.
Hotness. Will post the other clip next week. -Orsm |
 |
ORSM
VIDEO
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist. "I am." replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now somehow, it's my fucking fault."
| JANA JORDAN |
 |
|
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After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black." "Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair." "Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes." "Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank fuck for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked. "Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"
| SOME PEOPLE HAVE TOO MUCH SPARE TIME... |
 |
|
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired.
Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty-thousand dollars!
Andy said, "We've got to give it back."Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.
"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?" Sally said, "No." Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says "Tell us the story from the beginning." Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday... "The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."
ORSM
VIDEO
Alright that's it. The update is over. What are you still doing here? Go home. Go...
- Check out the site archives. They're what only ever eating your favourite ice cream and nothing else would be like.
- Next update will be next Thursday... like... oh I dunno... the last million or so...
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will casually remark to your friends at parties about your girlfriends 'yeast problem'...
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and careful where you point that thing, buddy. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
| |
| orsmupdate 2009.02.05-23.58 |
|
Welcome to Orsm.net. BOOM! Roasted.
I am Jack's constant interruptions. I don't know what it was/is about today but me is in demand. Started early too - 7.50am the first phone call came and it just went on from there until a random drop in a few minutes ago. Life would be a whole lot easier if work and updating the site was something I did just when I wasn't socialising or otherwise occupied. REALLY need to nail the lottery and make it a reality but failing that I'll carry on bitching to you guys...
As far as weekends go and for that matter the last week, it was pretty close to one of the best. This all revolved around my best mates thirtieth and kicked off late Thursday night with my other best mate flying in from abroad and ended with his departure Tuesday. Come to think of it, in a way it sort of brings to an end summer. All the holidays and stuff I spent ages looking forward to have now come and gone which means it's time for life to return to normal and focus on all the shit that's going to clutter up the coming months. That said, in an odd way I'm craving the quiet that winter brings.
I took Friday off. We chipped in to get the birthday boy a bunch of laps in a V8 supercar. Long story short they stick you in a race suit and let you hoon around a track in a mildly specced-up Holden Commodore at top speed whilst an instructor barks commands. He loved it and much fun was had critiquing his driving skills. From there it was off to lunch [aka catching up and gossiping guy-style] and later that evening out to dinner [aka chuffing a few bottles of red wine and getting tipsy].
Saturday we donated some time to helping decorate the bar [venue of party that nite]. This brings me to the weather... you might remember me saying a few weeks back I can deal with hot but not muggy and much to my disgust/displeasure/annoyance we got both. And just so everyone knew how I felt about it I made sure to tell them...
Jump forward to that night and the big party. I'll preface by saying I approached it all wrong - I was already partially wiped because of the fucking humidity, it was still hot, my back was killing and I skipped dinner... apparently all factors [read: excuses] which lead to my early demise. Anyway we rocked up around 8pm and I got stuck in to the booze ASAP. From there was a blurry spiral into drunkenness [that included a guest stint behind the bar] which probably wouldn't have been quite so bad if not for the inclusion of shooters. One in particular will stay with me forever - an ABC. This magical little shot consists of Absinthe, Bacardi 151 & Chartreuse and is literally like a gun going off in your mouth. Brilliant. Let this be a lesson NOT to challenge a bartender to 'fuck me up'.
I'm not entirely clear what happened from there but despite vicious rumours to the contrary I definitely did not spew. At some point I was bundled into a car and then suddenly home gulping water before passing out in bed. All in all a stellar nite that won't soon be forgotten... even if I didn't make it to the end...
Don't ask me how but I was up at 8am Sunday. At first the idea was to hit the beach but it soon became clear I was still intoxicated so plans were shelved. It wasn't until later in the afternoon that we left the house for a cruise. Destination: past the Big Day Out for a look. Let me just say much respect to anyone that attended. It looked like fucking insanity in the heat and almost surprising even more people didn't umm... die.
The celebrations of the birthday didn't really end until Monday night - all the boys at my place for pizza and beer and the third time in four days I got an alcohol induced buzz happening. Seemingly also a good opportunity for everyone to sit around reminding me of my form on Saturday. Gotta love your mates...
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Guy is sitting in his living room watching TV when all of a sudden the door bursts open and his girlfriend storms through. "You fucking asshole!" she screams and heads into the bedroom. Stunned, the man walks toward the bedroom, wondering 'now what have I done?'. Inside the bedroom he finds the girl furiously packing a suitcase. He asks her what's up. She responds with a hiss, "My therapist says that I should leave you and that you're a pedophile!" The man responds, "Wow... pedophile... that's a big word for a 12 year old."
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An aboriginal walks into a bar with a seagull on his shoulder. The barman says "Hey where did you get that?" and the seagull replies "At the tip, there's fucking loads of 'em!"
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A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Dad, do ya know how old I am today?" His father says, "No... how old?" He says, "I'm eleven!" He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Nanna, know how old I am today?" She says, "Come closer..." She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear. She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven." He says, "How could you tell?" She says, "I heard you tell your father."
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A man is driving down the freeway and immediately pulls over when he spots a little girl on the side of the road. He sees that she is crying and asks her what is wrong. The girl points over to a car that is crashed and turned over. The man says "Oh no, where are your parents, sweetie?" She cries harder and points again to the wrecked car. The man unzips his fly down and says, "Well sweetie, today is not your lucky day..."
ORSM VIDEO
My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian.
He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet told the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms." The Chemist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The Chemist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
| IT'S ALL GONE CODY LANE |
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DRAFT THE OLDIES
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry" We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, "I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical s-of-a-b....
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push-ups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them. If nothing else, put us on border patrol... we will have it secured the first night!
ORSM
VIDEO
- -*THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- -
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along!" the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us too." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all@" the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind." "Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high!!"
| STAR WARS-ING AROUND |
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GOLF BLOODY GOLF
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the centre of a very large tree.
You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.
If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap. IE. back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.
Hazards attract; fairways repel.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint
It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard.
A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.
Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).
It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart if you are performing Brain Surgery.
| GET THE MESSAGE |
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READER MAIL
If you would like to submit something to be featured in an Orsm update, become part of the cool crowd, the A-List, Fonzie-like, then we're always on the look out for messed up vids, ex-girlfriend pics, killer jokes or pretty much anything else you can stick in an email and jam down your modem. All you must do is click here, make it happen and immediately you will start feeling better about yourself...
Shaun wrote:
Subject: Bedroom Shenanigans
G'day Mr Orsm, I just watched that video on you website entitled 'Bedroom Shenanigans.' I wonder whether you noticed that the girl in that clip has a tail. It's very short but it is there. It very noticeable when she takes off her G banger and bends over. Something you don't see every day. |
Alasdair wrote:
Subject: ewwww
This in my opinion is one step too far... I simply ask why? Personally I prefer to view your site for the near the line jokes and sometime just to look at the pictures... not a combination of shock and morbid fascination. That might even be classed as illegal in the UK. Should have read the filename I suppose - would have given a bit of a clue, that said perhaps you should think (I'm not saying to do anything but to at least think about warning people a little if something is... more extreme than your average stuff. That aside, keep up the effort - you don't need me to tell you you have a popular site. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Subject: pakistan man tried to sell me his wife
Hi Mr. Orsm, been a long fan of ur site......never missed an update. Keep up the good work. My request to you is kindly do some investigations before postings pics or vids on your site. Cuz i believe there is a huge fan list of your site. However in this particular update there are pics of a guy trying to sell his Wife and either he or someone else have portrayed her and him to be a Pakistani. Well i would just like to set the record straight. first of all you ll see a mark between her eyelids! Well women in Pakistan are not in to it rather it is a mark for the Indian Ladies to show that they are married. Moreover the Taj Mahal is in the background of one of the pics....i think alot many people do know where Taj Mahal is. Right its in Agra India.....and finally the kind of skirts and dresses the girls are wearing and the forests they are in are not found in Pakistan atleast......in India yes there are.
My point is though it might be taken to be a sick joke, but to alot many people it shows what kind of people are in Pakistan. Though by the Media we termed as Terrorists and against humanity and all that...but let me assure
and request all of you out there.....DONOT AT ALL , ALWAYS BELIEVE THE MEDIA.......it only shows you what they want you to see......i think it is a very stupid attempt to defame Pakistan yet again by some enemey of ours... Cheers keep up the good work man..... |
VIRTUOUS wrote:
Subject: pakistan man tried to sell me his wife
hay man, been visiting ur site.. i don ever remember when... a big .. HUGE fan.. there is a correction to make mate.... there is a post from someone who visited america and some PAKISTANI dude try to sell him his wife for a night.. but all those pics are of INDIAN gals.. the writing on those pics is in a domestic indian language..
this is my first post.. just to make a correction.. tc... u ROCK mate!... keep up the good work.. tc
I think everyone is missing the point - whoever made those pics has some very deep issues. -Orsm
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Mike, Texas wrote:
Subject: Emailing
You forgot to mention a few things in your "Farewell George" write up. Thanks for making 911 the last terrorist attack on US soil. Thanks for having the BALLS to take the fight to the terrorist roaches, irregardless of what cave they are cowering in or what innocent civilians they are hiding behind. |
-Chopper- wrote:
Subject: Breakin and poppin vid
Watching that video i thought the fella looked like a younger version of a familiar face. A quick search on imdb.com revealed i was right - it's Carlton from "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air" see here. Love the site - been a regular visitor for as long as i can remember. Keep up the good work. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: fail!!!!!
hey mr orsm!!! big fan love the site. heres a pic of a dude getting his ass handed to him by a wave at south west rocks in NSW. please dont disclose my info cheers mate!!!!!
Ooops. -Orsm
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Dan wrote:
Subject: BOOM HEADSHOT!
During an indoor flag football game my buddy was going deep for a pass and didn't notice the wall sneaking up on him. I wasn't there to witness but he sent me the pictures so I thought I would send them your way. |
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Mark wrote:
Subject: Photo submission.
I was driving home on Monday after the Straya Day long weekend, and between Capertee and Lithgow, NSW, I saw this piece of street art. We Aussies are such artistic, creative people. Makes ya proud.
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Jimbo (Vietnam Veteran) wrote:
Subject: Discrimination and Travesty
G'day Mr. ORSM, I don't usually complain about things, but the following event has my (and the Veteran Community) in an uproar. Imagine this . . . You are a member of a Motor Cycle Club called 'Brothers In Arms Military Motorcycle Social Club' (BIAMMSC) and all of your members consist of past or serving members of the Defence Forces. You and a few of your mates are doing an overnight Bike ride to Bundaberg QLD. You go to the 'Grand' Hotel in Bundaberg and are refused accommodation even though there are vacancies. The reason you cant stay there is because . . . 'We don't allow AUSTRALIANS to stay here' !!! This happened to Australians, who served Australia, went to a hotel in Australia, and refused admission because you are Australian. Oh yeah . . . what's even worse . . . this happened on 'AUSTRALIA DAY'. Is this a travesty or what ? I urge all ORSM readers to give the Grand Hotel in Bundaberg Queensland, a wide berth and never seek accommodation there. |
JOHN wrote:
Subject: Another pic for ya
Since you posted my last craigslist ho, maybe you can post this one too. Please keep my details private. Gotta love craigslist, best place to find a chick to tag team with your buddy!! |
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Chris wrote:
Subject: funny craigslist posting - cheating girlfriend
Something I found on san diego craigslist, please hide my email.
Sounds like a keeper... -Orsm |
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Terry wrote:
Subject: New Secret Service Presidential Uniform
New Field Uniform for the Presidential Secret Service Detail effective January 30th, 2009. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Great discount
Thought this would be a good one for your great site. Saw this on the weekend at Stratco PenriFFFF in Sydney. I think I will wait till the sale is over to buy this one. Please hide my details. |
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marc wrote:
Subject: aye bluz pwat de fuck u got dere?.
aye bluz pwat de fuck u got dere?. gubbenmint dun pay me for dis gibbet to rainbow serpend aye!! Stay connected to the people that matter most with a smarter inbox. Take a look
For anoyone that can't work this out, she's carrying a Guide Dog Association chairty box. -Orsm |
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sfenn wrote:
Subject: Emailing: wilson tuckey
is this wilson ironbar tuckey in your R/S SECTION looks alot like him
Uncanny. -Orsm
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Bzz wrote:
Subject: HEAT
It has been so hot in South Australia for over a week...40+ degrees Celsius everyday, very dry also. A guy at work lives at Maude. His wife sent him these photos of a little Koala which just walked into the back porch looking for a bit of heat relief. She filled up a bucket and this is what happened!
Disgustingly cute. -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: facebook chic
check out this perth chick and her sister i found on facebook. may need a bag on the head but the rest is good. dont publish my name blah blah
They some good titties. -Orsm
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Bride2Be wrote:
Subject: Distress
YES, NOW KNOW THE NAVY IS IN DISTRESS
...? -Orsm |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Winterproblems
random shite happens
Buff right out no probs. -Orsm
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Terry wrote:
Subject: Amins Abdulas Chinese Halal Restaurant
Amins Abdulas Chinese Halal Restaurant, China Town, Manchester, England. This restaurant got closed down recently. A gas worker needed to use Amin's entrance in the basement to assist another shop that was having a gas leak. The service worker went into the basement of Amins and discovered a butcher chopping meat, that's fine, but he was putting the meat in a crate on the floor (not good), but wait, there's more! There were 20 dead rats on the floor. The service worker left the site, told his boss, and the city inspectors moved in. They noticed that the so called 'rats' which were reported were no longer there, but upon seeing a padlocked door, instructed one of the cooks to unlock it. This is what they found other workers doing behind the restaurant, in the open air... |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Long time coming....
Okay, this is one of those revenge-ish emails. One with numerous photos attached depicting a filthy slut of an ex girlfriend, but a hot one at that. One who is obsequious to the fact she is going to be posted on the net for the viewing pleasure of many. If you happen to come by this chick, she now has a boyfriend who is three years younger than her. But you still have a very high chance of getting into her pants. I took her virginity and because she was a cheating whore of a slut, I shall take her dignity too. Fuck you! You know the drill, no identity shown = more pics. Cheers. |
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Mark wrote:
Subject: Kandos Street Machine weekend.
Kandos is a small town, about 1000 people, between Lithgow & Mudgee in NSW. Each year they stage a Street Machine & Hot Rod weekend. I went this year and felt I should share the silliness. Still wondering how they get some of these this things road registered. There was, unfortunately, a distinct lack of bare wobbling tits. Disappointing. |
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Ron wrote:
Subject: intruders
Hey mate!!! Good day!!i just want to share this potos. i called it the Intruders.just find out why did i called them intruders!!! Your site is the Numero Uno!!!! Philippine Intruders!!!
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B wrote:
Subject: This is what happens when bosses take holidays
I had a hard time thinking about what to call this set of images. There were a few possibilities like "Driver demonstrates why semi trailers use diesel" or "Corners that should never be cut" also "How not to park your semi trailer" and "Thank god it wasn't me" were front runners for a while but in the end I settled on "This is what happens when bosses take holidays". Thankfully no one was hurt. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: beer fridge
Orsm-man, great site, longtime viewer my first contribution, love the site. Just wanted to add my beer fridge to your collection. 80 litre capacity of cool sweet homebrew. Please withhold details and keep up the good work... |
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SoTresPasDrmmr wrote:
Subject: Band Sluts
Here are some pics of some band sluts that I've come across in my travels within the music biz...
I would like to come on tour with you... -Orsm
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Stuart wrote:
Subject: Airbus in the Hudson
Just got sent these from my mate. I did hear that the wonder Captain, 'Sully', didn't actually do the correct 'ditch' preparation procedure, and didn't move the 'ditch' switch, which closes outflow valves and suchlike,
which obviously extends the time the aircraft can float. Still, even if that is true, he did an excellent 'landing'. I thought you may appreciate some original photos of the anphibian airbus A320. Note that only one engine was sheered off, not both... And considering that landing in water is like landing on concrete, not a whole lotta damage to the Airbus fuselage... Must have been one great spash landing. These photos were taken by the crane operator lifing the Airbus out of the Hudson River. |
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ORSM
VIDEO
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: "what in the world are you doing?
The daughter replied: "mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing?
The daughter said: "dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: "What the FUCK are you doing?" The husband replied: "I'm watching football with my son-in-law."
| HILLARY SCOTT |
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THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH
The main reason that Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'where's the self- help section?' she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a deaf person signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all?'
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it?
Why are haemorrhoids called 'haemorrhoids' instead of 'assteroids'?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If you spin an oriental person in a circle three times, do they become disoriented?
Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?
| THE LION WHISPERER |
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One winter morning a husband and wife in northern Minnesota were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer Say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side
of the street, so the snowploughs can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electricity went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time..."
ORSM
VIDEO
I'm so tired at the moment that I'll skip the lengthy goodbye speech and just cut to the last bit...
- Check out the site archives.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Yadda yadda yadda...
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will kick you're fucking ass. He will trash your fucking lights. What don't you get about it? For fucks sake man you're amateur. Stay off the fucking set, man. What the fuck is it with you!?
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't upset Christian Bale. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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