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| orsmupdate 2006.02.22-22.42 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Boom shake-shake-shake the room.
It's been a pretty slow week around here. Well not THAT slow... but definitely a bit quieter than usual. You know the ones where nothing really exciting happens and all you've done is just move another week closer towards the end of your life? It was one of those. Barely noteworthy. Hardly worth blogging about but hey - I've got a whole page to fill so what can you do huh...?
I suppose it probably hasn't helped that I'm still hobbling around with a sore back and feeling sorry for myself. Most of my spare time has been spent lying on the couch moaning and groaning and watching my way through the entire Sopranos series. Come to think of it... I should injure myself more often - this is kind of like a holiday...
Is anyone sick of the Anna Nicole shit yet? I'll be the first to admit that I love following celebrity crap but all those weirdo-fuckers trying to cash in on her death honestly must have no shame. It took me a while to work out why the father of her kid thing was such a big issue but eventually it clicked - if her estate does win the legal battle and claim the half a billion dollar fortune from her dead oil tycoon husband then the whoever fathered the baby is going to have complete control of that. Like I said - no shame. Sick fucks.
On to my weekend [which was rather dull]. It got to that point again where there was absolutely no food in the house except for tins of obscure beans I don't remember buying, mouldy bread and foul milk so I headed for the supermarket to fill up a trolley. I managed to wander the aisles for an hour and oddly enough all I seemed to come back with was tins and bread...
After that it was time to give Windows Vista a try. Truth be told I wouldn't have bothered if my computer wasn't completely shitting itself and didn't need a major freshen but I did and now I'm stuck with it.
So how's Vista? In a nutshell - good... if you like pretty animations and a slick interface that is! It's definitely 'bloatware' though and by that I mean there's a lot of shit that just doesn't need to be there [which chews up precious resources] - kind of like Microsoft really tried to pander to newbies by simplifying things. Great for the newbies but probably going to be a little frustrating for power users until they work out where everything is.
Surprisingly all of my hardware was compatible and had no issues except for a slight hiccup with an 800 gigabyte storage array which was a tad annoying [however now sorted]. Software was all good too with the only stuff that didn't work being a couple of small programs which were extremely old anyway.
Final thoughts on Vista... if you're happy with what you've got then don't bother. If you still want to upgrade then make sure you're computer is well and truly up to spec otherwise it'll be a painful experience.
Next on the list was to give the car a good clean out. This was the week I was supposed to get my new one so I took my time checking under the seats and down every nook for anything of value. Good thing I did too because I don't know how I would have survived without the $6 and cigarette lighter I found!
The highlight of my weekend was later that evening. I grabbed my camera and a mate and headed for a quiet back street in an industrial area to get shots of my car doing some burnouts. God damn it was good fun too - really gets the adrenaline flowing. In four years of having owned this thing I was always reluctant to cut it up because I'm a miser and don't like replacing tyres but now that some other poor sucker is going to have to deal with it I didn't really mind. Funny that!
Okay I'll stop this incessantly boring blog and get on with the update. I say it every week but this one is a good one! Check it...
Don't even think about paying for porn on the
net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on
the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn?
Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us
who get
it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and
accept paying for porn the less free
porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!
How long have I been promoting Newbie
Nudes? Forever! Why? Because it is the fucking best! Believe
it or not there are over 400,000 active users, almost 1 million
photos, and 17,000 videos AND it's growing by the day! So
if you haven't checked out god's greatest gift to the internet
and want to see and interact with real babes then Newbie
Nudes is the place to be! Check it now!
The
Napster Of Porn - Nancy Hall at FreePorn-Resource.com has been fighting for a free adult internet since 1999. As
featured on Howard Stern and featured adult resource on the
top major search engines. Surfers should never have to pay
for porn ever again if they use her free
adult comsumer resource.
I can think of two reasons why you haven't
checked out Revenge
TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and
haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of
the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you
are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands
of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover
in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge
TV is how! Click
here to see what I mean...
Sexy Lil Tease - Groovy Game - College Sluts - SI Babes - Sexy Bitch - Thai Pussy - Pimp It Up - Roller Fuck
Crazy Fucks - Blonde Godess - Shaven Britney - Emo Babe - Dirty Skanks - Kyra Dances - Big Titties! - Slutty Ball
Hot Cam Gurls - Spooky Sex - The Best Thing - Black Lace - Tasty Latinas - Tara Reid Prank - Bai Ling Wow
Last night I walked into a public toilet where I found two cubicles, of which one was already occupied. So I entered the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down. A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?". I thought it a bit strange but not wanting to be rude I replied "Yeah, not too bad thanks." After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what are you up to mate?". Again I answered; somewhat reluctantly it must be said. Unsure what to say, I replied "Umm, just having a quick dump... How about yourself?". I then heard the voice for the third time ..."Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some asshole in the cubicle next to me answering everything I ask of you."
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a CAD monkey please."
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000."
The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?" The Shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can draw in AutoCAD - very fast, clear layouts, no mistakes, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a Design monkey; it can design systems, layout projects, mark-up drawings, write specifications, some even calculate. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's an Engineer."
ORSM VIDEO
FLESHLIGHT...
NOT AS CREEPY AS YOU THINK! I GOT MINE AND IT
IS HONESTLY THE FUCKING
GREATEST THING EVER!
CLICK HERE TO CHECK IT OUT.
RULES FOR THE BOSS
Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
If it is really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it is going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke. Always leave without telling anyone where you are going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, do not open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
If you give me more than one job to do, do not tell me which is priority. I am psychic.
Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion. If you do not like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped. If you have special instructions for a job, do not write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
Never introduce me to the people you are with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
Be nice to me only when the job I am doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it is nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I am not here for the money.
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READER MAIL
Got something cool you wanna share? Some wisdom to impart? Pics of your tasty girlfriend? Pics of your bitchy Ex? Messed up videos? A funny joke? Fucked up pictures? Then send them my way! With some luck they'll will end up on this very page and be seen by millions for years to come. All you must do is click here and send, send send!
Amanda wrote:
Subject: Janet Jackson photo
Today I got an email titled "The Superbowl--it could have been worse" which contained a pic of Janet Jackson & Justin Timberlake. Janet Jackson was nursing a baby. How on earth do you consider that WORSE than just a plain boob?
I know MANY nursing mothers, myself included, that would NOT like that picture at all. Nursing a child is something beautiful and you're site has turned it into something nasty! As soon I seen that picture I was PISSED OFF. That crap is the reason people look at me in public while breastfeeding my child. My tit is not hanging out for all to see! Yet they stare! Why? Because people in the USA seem to think that BOOBS are just for looking at, not feeding a baby, which is their FIRST purpose.
Pull your heads out of your rear ends and realize that breastfeeding isn't something to make fun of and laugh at. You wouldn't stare at a mother BOTTLE FEEDING her baby or take pics of her and alter them. Why, then, do you alter mothers breastfeeding their babies? After all, you had to have edited out the mother in that shot to put the baby onto Janet Jackson.
1. Absolutely no fucking idea why you're emailing me about this?
2. Try calling Dr. Phil to discuss you post-partum psychosis. 3. What the hell do you mean boobs aren't just for looking at?
4. Can we see your boobs? -Orsm
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Shane wrote:
Subject: Nice Boat!
Ok heres the latest drug runner from some European drug Barons This thing belts across the English Channel 3 times per week in the middle of the night with no lights just a sweep running it was just a blur on the radar of the British coast guard. They were so blown away by the speed of this thing that they brought in a Specialised chopper and had attempted to LAND the chopper on the boat at high speed to get them to stop.... What was on board...... 300kgs of pure cocaine!! Nice boat! |
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T wrote:
Subject: Fried nephew
Hi Mr Orsm, I've been logging on every friday for years !!! Here is a pic of my nephew who just moved to Perth and didn't know that you get burnt even when it's overcast !!!!
Oww wheres a pin when you need one?! . -Orsm
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God wrote:
Subject: Malcolm St Bridge Jumper
Hey dude. I was on my way home from work on the 15/02 and saw this chick laying on the freeway under the Malcolm St bridge in town, looks like she jumped. The ambulance had just got there and cops were running in from all directions. I felt sick after looking but my mate got a pretty good pic. She was bleeding from the mouth looked very pale and not moving at all. Enjoy. |
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marc wrote:
Subject: random shite image for ya
sup bro. found this on a mates windscreen outside an asian bar in auckland nz lol.
feel free to use it in random shite. cheers |
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Blokey Aarsevark wrote:
Subject: New Midnight Oil Album Cover!Exclusive!
I can't believe Peter Garrett is a labor politician, I imagine if Midnight Oil were to record a new album the cover & songs could be something like this???? God bless ORSM, net would be shite otherwise. |
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mundo wrote:
Subject: ex bitch
hi mr. orsm... I'm mundo from mexico, this are some pictures of my ex-girlfriend... please put this photos of this bitch on ur page.. thx |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: monkey whore
Hey Mr. ORSM, Love this site! I have a bunch of good shots for you to use. Check out this skank that I got to perform for the camera. Amazing what chicks will do for a klondike bar! Thanks and enjoy! |
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john wrote:
Subject: Check Out These Trees.
These trees were grown in Santa Cruz CA , what year I don't know. But the man who grew them never told anyone how he did it. In around 1999, the owner of Nob Hill Foods in Gilroy CA moved them to his park in Gilroy and they're doing well. Amazing Trees |
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Mike McDonough wrote:
Subject: The Navy Way
The assembled military force in these pictures is probably larger than the combined forces of the 5th through 10th largest countries in the world!
For the first time in over 20 some odd years, three carrier strike groups got together in formation for a great photo op. |
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Some Kiwi Stooge wrote:
Subject: Prado
Canning Stock Route gone terribly wrong! Not how you would prefer to end your trip ... This illustrates what not to do when driving in the Aussie Outback... ie if you don't check every now and then for build up of spinifex grass, this could be the end result!!! It's not just the animals and insects that are dangerous...it's even the vegetation!!! |
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Mike McDonough wrote:
Subject: Coming Soon to your city !!! Auto License Plate Recognition
From Professor Bill Ketcherside, of the University of Central Missouri. It's a video from British Columbia showing a computerized license checking system that will probably revolutionize police work when it eventually comes our way.
Now that's scary. -Orsm
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Lee wrote:
Subject: Video with Sparklers for the site......
Orsm, My buddy put this together for me so I could send it your way. All the buckets in the video are 5 gallon made of steel. The fire power in these things are nothing more than ordinary sparklers you can get anywhere. Pretty impressive if you ask me..... |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Bucks Party Accident
Hey Orsm, I thought you might like this one. I was at a Bucks Party and the Buck was... well, a little bit pissed during the strip show. I guess he decided it was a good a time as any to get a little relief. Anyway, it all ended up okay - the girl finished the show and (after a shower) the Buck kicked on. |
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GAY SLANG [CONTINUED FROM LAST WEEK]
AC/DC: bisexual (or a homosexual who hides his lifestyle).
AUNTIE: an aging homosexual.
BANANA: the penis.
BEAR: a large, hairy male.
BREEDER: an impolite manner of referring to heterosexuals.
BROWN: to perform anal intercourse.
BUGGERY: the act of anal intercourse.
BUMMER: active partner in anal sex.
BUTCH: a masculine homosexual.
CAN: the buttocks.
CHANGE YOUR LUCK: to engage in a homosexual sex act for the first time.
CHICKEN DINNER: sex with an underage boy.
CIRCLE JERK: a homosexual group sex activity in which several people link by masturbatory connections, often many ejaculating on one.
COFFIN QUEEN: a homosexual who prefers to sodomize dead bodies.
COTTAGING: The use of public toilets as a venue for meeting sexual partners.
DAISY CHAIN: a homosexual group sex activity in which several people link via genital/anal-oral connections.
DO: suck a penis.
DOSE: gonorrhoea or other venereal disease.
DRAG KING: a woman who prefers to dress like a man.
DRIVE IT HOME: forceful intercourse.
EAT JAM: to lick or suck the anus.
EYE: anus.
FAG HAG: a woman who is attracted to male homosexuals.
FI: a female impersonator.
FISH: contemptuous term for a woman.
FRUIT: a male homosexual.
FULL HOUSE: having more than one venereal disease at the same time.
GIRL: a behaviourally feminine male homosexual.
GOLDEN QUEEN: a homosexual who relishes being urinated upon while masturbating.
GOLDEN SHOWER: being bathed in urine sprinkled from a penis or vagina.
GRIMM'S FAIRY: an older male homosexual.
HUSTLER: a male prostitute.
LAVENDER: pertaining to the homosexual lifestyle.
MEAT: penis.
MUD GAMES: rubbing faeces and playing with it during sex.
OLD DIRT ROAD: using the anus for intercourse.
PANSY: a male homosexual.
PICKUP: a stranger who is induced to go elsewhere for sex.
POCKET POOL: masturbating through a pants' pocket.
QUEEN: a behaviourally feminine homosexual.
RIMMING: stimulating the perianal region with one's tongue.
SAPPHO DADDY-O: a heterosexual man who likes to associate with homosexual women; the male equivalent of a fag hag.
SCATTING: the act of defecating on a partner.
SUGAR DADDY: a man who keeps a younger male for sexual favours.
SWITCH HITTER: a bisexual.
THIRD SEX: a homosexual's tongue.
TRADE: a homosexual looking for action.
TROLL: a 'cruising' homosexual who forces himself upon other homosexuals.
TWINKIE: a young and fresh-looking homosexual.
VANILLA: sex limited to affection, mutual masturbation, oral sex, and anal sex.
WATER SPORTS: playing with urine during sexual activity.
ORSM VIDEO
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 84?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" No, I don't," I said. He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then, why the fuck do you want to live to be 84?"
The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.
The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.
After a year of study and millions spent analysing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganised.
The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
The next year, the Japanese won by TWO miles!!!
Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:
"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store."
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street. The 1st first floor has wives that love sex. The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money. The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited!
A farmer plows up an old copper lamp. He takes the lamp back to his farm house and begins to polish it up when out pops a genie. "Master," says the genie, "I will grant you 3 wishes."
The farmer thinks for a bit and then says, "I want a face as handsome as Elvis." "As you wish, master."
BOOM! His face transforms into a very handsome face.
"Next, I would like you to fill my living room with money," says the farmer. "As you wish, master."
BOOM! his living room fills with money.
The farmer thinks about his third wish, as he is thinking he looks out the window and begins to grin. "Genie," says the farmer, "Give me 'one' like the horse up on the hill." the genie also grins, "As you wish, master."
BOOM! The farmer looks down to see a huge vagina form between his legs.
Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met. Sitting in a cafe, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind." "Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin. "Well", said the little old man, "for old time's sake, let's go there again, and I'll give you one from behind."
Without them knowing, the young man sitting next to them had overheard the conversation and smiled to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it.
He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, the little old lady reaches for the fence. What follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the young man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second.
Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.
The young man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this - not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences. Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years time!"
By this time the two old pensioners have recovered and dressed themselves.
Plucking up courage, the young man approaches the pensioners. He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?" The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fucking fence wasn't electrified!"
Okay that's a wrap people! I'm not going to dribble on senselessly here as I have a tendency to do so I'll just cut to the chase...
- Check out the site archives. Please.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Pretty cool huh!?
- Tell your friends and family to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll send my my friend Ray around to bore them with stories of his life.
- What did you think of the update? Got something to say? Wanna show me your boobs? Email me!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stay out of the sun. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2007.02.15-23.43 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Dude you're so gay that Elton John has your picture on his wall.
Shit is it Thursday already? Where'd the damn week go? One second I'm putting the finishing touches to an update and starting another one in my very next breath. I'm still struggling to come to terms with it already being mid-Feb. Wasn't Christmas and all the associated crap just a couple of days ago?
I've actually been in the wars again this week. After my mini illness last week I followed it up with a lower back strain. Not quite sure but I think falling asleep with the air-conditioner [which sits directly above my bed] cranking last Thursday night didn't help. Since then I've been reduced to hobbling around like a cripple which is far from pleasant and managed to aggravate it a few times since but thankfully it's starting to feel better.
The pain didn't end there unfortunately. My much loved PC, which is my lifeline to this whole web thing, is being a little bitch lately and seems intent on making my life a misery. Random reboots, inexplicable freezes, blue screens and eventually a complete failure to acknowledge the soundcard [which hasn't been touched since I built the damn thing] have made my blood boil.
It's funny how you don't miss something until it's gone and being deprived of audio was an absolute killer. Thankfully I did manage to find a work around, however obviously not impressed with my newfound glee, the computer intensified its campaign of terror. I thought the crashes and lockups were bad before... not even close!
So guess what I'm doing this weekend? Yep... reinstalling Windows! I may even give Windows Vista a try despite knowing that I'll regret it... and then no doubt regret that before finding myself sticking XP back on. What was that about computers making our lives easier...?
Moving on... for the last few years I've been one of those dickheads you see driving down the street with mega decibels blaring from within but with the impending arrival of my new baby it was time to get the stereo removed before doing the trade-in. So come Tuesday afternoon it was an almost heartbreaking moment when I jumped in my car and cranked up the now factory speakers. Until then I'd just about sworn that the stereo wouldn't be going into the new car but now I'm not so sure. Do I really need boot space? And is there any point listening to music if it isn't cranked ear-bleeding loud? Life just may not be worth living!
I've been busy organising a Bucks party for my best mate who is getting hitched next month. We thought long and hard about a cool idea that wouldn't be just the usual BBQ/ stripper/get drunk thing and eventually came up with doing our own version of the Amazing Race. Basically the idea is to get everyone meet at a start point, assign them into teams, then have them drive to various locations of relevance to the Buck around Perth and get a photo of the team at those spots... with the BBQ/ stripper/get drunk stuff later on. Hopefully we can pull it off without anyone getting arrested or crashing or whatever but either way it should be fun.
Okay I think that's enough crapping on so let's get the update happening. This whole being in pain and not wanting to move thing has kept me planted firmly in front of the computer so I'm quietly confident that update seven for 2007 is a bloody good one! Check it...
The
Napster Of Porn - Nancy Hall at FreePorn-Resource.com has been fighting for a free adult internet since 1999. As
featured on Howard Stern and featured adult resource on the
top major search engines. Surfers should never have to pay
for porn ever again if they use her free
adult comsumer resource.
Don't even think about paying for porn on the
net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on
the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn?
Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us
who get
it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and
accept paying for porn the less free
porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!
How long have I been promoting Newbie
Nudes? Forever! Why? Because it is the fucking best! Believe
it or not there are over 400,000 active users, almost 1 million
photos, and 17,000 videos AND it's growing by the day! So
if you haven't checked out god's greatest gift to the internet
and want to see and interact with real babes then Newbie
Nudes is the place to be! Check it now!
I can think of two reasons why you haven't
checked out Revenge
TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and
haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of
the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you
are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands
of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover
in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge
TV is how! Click
here to see what I mean...
Valentines Angel - Addictive Game - Bikini Slut - Jubblies - Chocolate Bitches - Pussy Pounding - Hard Fuckin'
Sienna Miller Sex - Ditzy Blonde - Wii Sex - Techno Chick - Hollywood Whores - Boob Gropage - Best Ass Ever
Bath Tub Babe - Cam Hottie - Kate Hudson - Anna Nicole - Yulia Nova - Milk & Titties - Sweet Stuff - Hot Bitch
A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the wife said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time". The husband thought for a few moments, then said, "Your pussy is tighter than your sister's".
--
Minutes after a woman gave birth to her baby, her doctor stood solemnly at her bedside, and said: "I have something I must tell you about your baby." "What's wrong?" the alarmed mother asked. "Your baby is a hermaphrodite." "What's that?" "It means your baby has both male and female parts." "Oh my Goodness, that's wonderful!" the woman exclaimed. You mean it has a penis and a brain? That doesn't happen often!"
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!"
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
ORSM VIDEO
I
GOT MY FLESH LIGHT AND ALL I CAN SAY IS FUCKING FANTASTIC!!
TRUST ME WHEN I SAY IF YOU LIKE YOUR PENIS THEN YOU WILL LOVE
FLESH LIGHT! YOU WILL BE AMAZED!
While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers left their seats and came running over. Suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanour made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.
Each crew member attached the package to their backs.
"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?" The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?" "There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."
A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her billfold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?" "No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.
"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight.
The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The woman replied, "That's okay, it's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine!"
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READER MAIL
Got a pretty awesome Reader Mail this week. You guys have been busy flooding my inbox with coolities and oddities from the world over so there's something of everything for just about everyone!
If you would like to submit your stuff to Orsm.net and maybe even have your email featured on the main page to be ogled by millions then we're always on the lookout for nude pics of your tasty Ex or current girl, anything car related, jokes, stupid videos or whatever else it is that you have lying around! All you must do is click here and make the magic happen.
Ken wrote:
Subject: Ferrari for Sale
Look at the seller's history. Specifically the last item they bought. Looks like the Ferrari did not cut it. |
Nafe wrote:
Subject: Jennifer Aniston boobs
This is a production shot from that fuck ass break up movie she did with Vince Vaughn a while back. Not too bad and no its not a photoshop!
Hot and yes apparently real. -Orsm
|
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< with held> wrote:
Subject: Dj tard random shit photoshop
Hello Mr orsm. checkout a photoshop job of one of your latest 'random shit' pictures that I couldn't resist doing. (I wonder how many more you get) Cheers. Keep up the good work as always. |
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Thomas wrote:
Subject: Ex-wife
Pics of my ex-wife. This is what you get bitch! Elizabeth Lucke.
Let this be a lesson to all women. Too much hair = your pics on Orsm.net. -Orsm |
 |
Anthony wrote:
Subject: Drug smuggler
"A" for effort! Drug smugglers think of everything! Look at both pictures... It's pretty good. Arrested by a Mountie in the Kelowna, BC area. I wonder how many times he got away with it. |
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Brian wrote:
Subject: My First Contribution
Hey ORSM !!! Your site is the best yada yada yada... This is my first contribution to your site, so I feel like my cherry has officially been popped (for the second time). This is a pic of a gals license plate that I work with. The office is evenly divided over whether she is a Harry Potter fan, or a fan of Hairy Peters. we're counting on you to break the tie. Whatcha think? Of course, I picked the second... |
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Bloggs wrote:
Subject: F'n Hot
Mr Orsm. It may be hot over there in Perth, but, its that hot in SA's Barossa Valley, that it melted its Icecream Truck. Keep up the good shit, Master. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: American Bachelor Party
Dear Mr. ORSM, Thanks for the great site, I read it every week. Not sure how things go down south, but here is how an American bachelor party goes. The chick wasn't the hottest, but that doesn't seem to matter when your drunk and in the presence of 15 other guys rooting you on and raining dollar bills on the slut. |
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martyn wrote:
Subject: some stuff...
Hey mr. Orsm! here are some pictures of a friend of mine, taken on a festival last year.
Not nude (sorry 'bout that) but still nice to look at, and i don't think she would mind being seen by the world... I hope that you can use them... Keep up the good stuff!! Grtz from holland. |
 |
Shane wrote:
Subject: VERY GRAPHIC PORCHE CRASH
Be warned - this is quite horrific, if you have a weak stomach it's best not to go any further !!!
The enclosed pics are from a fatal crash on the afternoon of Halloween 2006, on the 241 Toll Road at Alton Pkwy. in Southern Ca. The driver was an 18 year who took her father's brand new... |
 |
serge wrote:
Subject: bon appetite
The images which follow are pastry making. In would you eat? They are well beyond the usual cakes which one buys with pastry making. They are creations of a pastrycook Inhabitant of Thailand. One can find these pastry makings in the province of Ratchaburi to 100 km in the west of the capital, Bangkok. They are judicious to show Buddhist philosophy: not to believe what you believe, because what you see cannot be also real of what celà appears to be. |
 |
Shel wrote:
Subject: This is brilliant
From a geologist colleague who visited this place.... Amazing. His commentary:
I got the chance to see that this past year. We wrangled a tour of the Naica mine from Penoles and got into the Cueva de Cristales. That had to rank as one of the most spectacular things that I've ever seen in my life... |
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brad wrote:
Subject: boobs
ex girlfriend boobs...biggens! don't publish my email
Okay she wins the prize for best rack in this update. The prize is my love and admiration. -Orsm
|
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A dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky. Three hang-glider pilots sitting by the campfire, one from Australia, one from South Africa and one from New Zealand. Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.
The night of tales begins...
Kiven the Kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeal, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeal and wristled him to ground and killed em with my bare hends".
Hansie from South Africa who typically can't stand to be bettered said, "Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Nambian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off end then sucked the poison from it's body in one gulp. End I'm still here today".
Bazza the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his dick.
ORSM VIDEO
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GAY SLANG
A lot of these are completely new to me but funnily enough some of my friends were quite familiar with many of them. Anyway it's a big list so I'll post part two next week.
ANILINGUS: oral stimulation of the anus.
BACK YARD: the buttocks.
BASKET SHOPPING: a homosexual observing another man's genitals through clothing.
BOTTOM: a homosexual who likes to be at the bottom during sex.
BRONCO: a young homosexual male who is difficult to restrain during intercourse.
BROWNIE QUEEN: passive partner in anal intercourse.
BULL-DYKE: a masculine female homosexual.
BUNS: buttocks.
CAMP: be obviously and obnoxiously homosexual.
CANDY MAKER: a homosexual who masturbates a man and then consumes his ejaculate.
CHICKEN: a young (boy) homosexual.
CHICKEN HAWK: a homosexual who seeks underage boys to have sex with.
CLOSET QUEEN: an insult that refers to one who denies or suppresses his homosexual feelings.
CORNHOLE: anus.
CRUISING: looking for sex, especially in public restrooms.
DIDDLE: masturbate.
DO FOR TRADE: give him some homosexual action.
DRAG: dressing as a woman.
DRAG QUEEN: a male homosexual in drag.
EAT: to perform oral intercourse.
EXHAUST PIPE: rectal opening.
EYE DOCTOR: a homosexual that inserts his penis into another's rectum.
FAIRY: a male homosexual.
FIFTH WHEEL: a heterosexual in a homosexual group.
FISH WIFE: a male homosexual's real wife.
FRUIT FLY: same as fag hag.
GAY DIRT: an attractive young man paid by the police to trap homosexuals.
GLORY HOLE: an opening in the partition between adjacent stalls in a men's restroom to enable a homosexual to offer his penis to an anonymous homosexual in an adjacent stall.
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: a urinal.
GREEK: to perform anal intercourse.
HANDBALLING: inserting the fist and often part of the forearm into the rectum.
INTERSPECIES LOVER: a homosexual who likes sex with animals.
MARY: a man acting like a woman.
MUDMEN: homosexuals that derive sexual pleasure by playing with faeces.
NELLY: a behaviourally feminine male homosexual.
OLD MAN: one who supports a younger sex partner.
PEARL DIVER: one who orally stimulates a penis.
PISS HARD ON: an erect penis caused by the need to urinate.
PUNK: a male prostitute.
RG: a real girl (not a homosexual).
ROUGH TRADE: a vicious or dangerous homosexual.
SEAFOOD: a homosexual sailor.
SLURPING: using a straw to suck semen ejaculated into the rectum of a partner.
SWISH: a man who behaves in a feminine manner.
TEA-ROOM/T-ROOM: A public rest room homosexuals frequent for sex.
TOP: a term used by homosexuals to indicate that they like being on top during sex.
TRICK: a partner during a transient homosexual encounter.
TROUBLE: a butch who is likely to cause trouble.
VACUUM CLEANER: one who applies great suction during oral sex.
WALLOWING: the act of defecating on a partner.
WRINKLE-ROOM: a homosexual bar frequented by aging homosexuals.
RANDOM SHITE
Finding just the right balance of right and wrong was no easy feat for this RS. If I make it too 'nice' then it just wouldn't be any fun. Check it...
RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS
RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS |
 |
A lady walks into an ice cream parlour and order's a scoop of chocolate ice cream. The proprietor quickly responds "I'm sorry mam, but we are all out of chocolate."
The lady looks confused and gazes down through the glass of the ice cream case and then looks back up at the man and asks for a pint of chocolate. The man replies a little annoyed stating once again that he is out of chocolate ice cream.
The lady then seems to get the point and walks down to the end of parlour. She then looks back up and says "excuse me sir?" "Can I get a gallon of chocolate?" At this point the owner becomes upset.
"Mamm. Do me a favour please?" "O.k." The woman replied. "Can you spell the straw in strawberry?" "Sure. S T R A W." "Good mamm." The owner said gently. "Can you spell the Van in Vanilla?" "Yes. V A N." The lady said confidently. "Now can you spell the Fuck in chocolate?" the owner said smartly.
The lady looked up at the ceiling in thought then replied, "There is no Fuck in chocolate." "Well Mamm." The owner said. "That's what I have been trying to tell you." "There is NO FUCKIN' CHOCOLATE."
A cop stops a car for travelling faster than the posted speed limit. He asks the man for his name. "Frank" he replies. "Frank what?" the officer asks. "Just Frank," the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, doesn't smell alcohol, and thinks he might just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So the officer presses him for a last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me, Frank, how did you lose your last name?" The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me!" "I was born Frank Dingaling, I know - a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realised that I wanted to be a doctor. I went though college, medical school, internship, and residency finally got my degree, so I was Frank Dingaling MD."
"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so I was Frank Dingaling, MD. DDS.
"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Frank Dingaling, MD. DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Frank Dingaling. MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Frank Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am just Frank."
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?" "Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." "Next."
ORSM VIDEO
Well I think that about does it for this week. A whole lot of love went into this update so if you've made it this far it was probably all worth it... alternatively you were just so fucking bored you didn't care either way...
- Check out the site archives. They're where Jimmy Hoffa is buried [but please don't tell anyone].
- Next update will be next Thursday... what about that do you not understand?
- Tell your friends and family to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll call them 'ugly'.
- What did you think of the update? Got a secret you need to share? Wanna show me your boobs? Email me!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and look after your back! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
| |
| orsmupdate 2007.02.08-22.34 |
|
Welcome to Orsm.net. Worth the weight.
Kill me now. I scored a slight tummy bug yesterday with the result being a spew, countless trips to the toilet and a sleepless night. I'm not too sure how I've got through today but it's the closest in a long time that I have actually considered flagging the update... but screw that shit. My good friend Ray would no doubt call me a 'self hating communist hippie rapist' and I'd feel even worse...
Credit cards... like most people I'm pretty attached to mine. I use it for everything nowadays. Haven't got cash? Easy! Just swipe the plastic fantastic! I remember getting my first one probably ten years ago. Within weeks of receiving the card and a big shiny $1000 limit I had a new puppy, new clothes, aftershave and before you know it, nasty default notices from the bank. Learnt some good lessons there let me tell you.
These days I'm a bit smarter, a bit wiser and even a bit more sensible so they haven't taken it off me which means I get to use it more which of course means I have to sign my name more... something I particularly don't like doing because I have a terrible signature and over the years its degenerated into something barely decipherable. Not that it matters though - ever notice that the average cashiers verification of your signature against your credit card is half arsed at best? No one gives a shit.
If you want an interesting experiment that will give you a laugh, next time you use your card make sure you sign your signature obviously different. I guarantee the person behind the counter will pretend to look and hand your card right back to you without even blinking. I've been doing this for a few years now and maybe one in ever thirty transactions I'll be asked to re-sign it. No fucking wonder credit card fraud is such big business!
Don't you love some times when things just go your way with little to no effort on your part? A few weeks back I mentioned I was being pushed to the brink of insanity by my rear neighbours humongous Gum tree and its flagrant shedding of leaves into my back yard. I put the call out to you guys for ideas to be rid of this pest and received a stack of replies - from driving copper nails into the base to drilling holes and filling them with poison to [my favourite] poison snowballs.
Since then I have been plotting and scheming, trying to pick my moment to begin the night time assault until I was awoken early Monday morning by banging and clanging and generally destructive noises. Turns out that demolition guys had moved in to clear the entire block - house and all - and now, literally as I write this, they've just finished digging the bastard tree out. Oh happy days. No more leaves, no more branches and no more of those fucking nuts that make me slip over. I almost don't care that my car, everything on the back side of the house and everything inside is covered in a dirty layer of dust from the demolition because I will never have to sweep up another fucking leaf from that fucking monstrosity of a tree again. Halle-fucking-lujah!
We did another deep sea fishing trip last Friday. Just three of us this time and we were thankful to be going out after the charter company rescheduled us a few times. Was an absolutely perfect day weather-wise too. The only let down was that between us three we brought back only one fish - the rest of what we pulled up was undersize and had to go back. Damn full moon.
The rest of the weekend was pretty much just run of the mill. I chained myself to the computer all day Saturday in an attempt to get the damn thing working properly again. It's running like a retard chasing a $5 note down a windy street and I get the feeling its about to majorly shit itself.
After that I had my cousins 30th and another party before getting up bright and early for a friends going away Dim Sum brunch the next morning. I actually ended up getting a lot achieved for the rest of the day - so many sprinklers and taps were broken around the place that I couldn't ignore them any longer. Amazing how quickly lawn dies in extreme heat with no water...
Okay enough crapping on. I still feel like crap and if I don't get cracking with this soon I'll pass out...
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An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist." Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"
In a small cathedral, a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the priest.
The priest asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on and on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done, just give her 10 Hail Marys. I'll be right back."
Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected, Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession.
"Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable," she said. "I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."
Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation - surely 10 Hail Mary's would not do. So in a moment of desperation, the janitor peeked his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the priest give for oral sex?"
The altar boy replied, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke."
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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high!"
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READER MAIL
My email inbox has been filling with
various treasures from the world over this week and it was no easy task to
sort through hundreds, if not thousands, nay billions of emails in the vein attempt
to whittle them all down to just a handful. I
guess it sucks to be me...
If you would like to contribute
to Reader Mail and have your naked pictures, hilarious jokes, funny vids or pretty
much anything else featured on the site then you should feel welcome
to drop me a line here. On with the mail...
jakedmorella wrote:
Subject: That "German" Tank Is Actualy Russian
Just thought people might like to know that the tank in those pictures is
actually a Russian T-34/73A that was captured by the Germans as a trophy.
You can read the full story here. Love the site and keep
up the good work.
Had a stack of emails about this. Thanks to everyone who emailed! -Orsm
|
Mig wrote:
Subject: RE: How the world sees Australians
Alright mate, long time reader of your site here.
Thought I'd drop you a line regarding the question of how Australians are seen in the rest of the world. I was born and bred in England and have never been to Aus, but I've met a few of you guys and each one has been really cool. Although we have the banter that goes on (us being shit at cricket/every other sport, you being convicts) that can go too far, I always thought relations were pretty good. Then I saw the news stories coming from Aus about ethnic minorities getting beaten and other racist behaviour, and I was pretty shocked. I mean, I'm not some high-and-mighty lefty, I can understand why some people are racist, I can see what leads to it. But I also think it can get out of hand, and that's where problems begin. I mean, this thing about BDO, what was the problem? So what if some of the people attending weren't Australian, I'm sure that some of the bands weren't too! I just don't really get it.. Anyway, I'm not fussed if you don't publish this on the site, I just wanted to e-mail and make you aware that we don't see you Aussies as a group of perverted racists, but if it continues to get worse, then alot of people will begin to. What are your thoughts on it?
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Racists Pervists?
Are we racists perverts? Fuck off. We just hate Pohms and Sepos. :)
Plus, we wouldn't be pervs if Perth girls put out more. They always go for
Pohms and Sepos.
Thats why we hate them.
Beef with black bean sauce or a kebab? |
Euabalong West Wreckers wrote:
Subject: arse
if you stop using the word ass and start using the AUSSIE word arse i will send a photo of my wife's naked arse if you keep using the seppo version i'll send you a photo of my hairy naked arse i know what i would do
Funnily enough I get a lot of complaints about this. No idea why it bugs people so much! -Orsm
|
Shane wrote:
Subject: READ FIRST !!!
Hey guys, I Have a huge favour to ask. My old friend from work is coming over from abroad on the 16th. She has recently broken up with her boyfriend and is feeling pretty low. I'm going to be organising lots of nights out for her throughout Feb but if anyone has any cute single friends that whose type you think she might be, then let me know. She is gorgeous of course and I've attached a picture of her from happier times. |
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Darren wrote:
Subject: something interesting
Hi there.. While working as a field engineer.. I was in a grocery store in the UK… while walking upstairs to the offices.. I see this.... In the stair well... Might get a laugh ? |
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Ben wrote:
Subject: Electric Fence (GRAPHIC)
Okay, this is pretty bad. If you're squeamish, especially the guys, don't go any further. An innocent Christmas celebration, a couple of beers led to an untimely end result when a Texas redneck tangled with a Texas lectric fence. Needless to say the fence won.... |
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Col wrote:
Subject: Great Architecture
Here's a picture of the "Pont Neuf" bridge in Toulouse , France. Isn't it beautiful?
Nice...ummm... arches... -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: hovercraft in a skate park
Dear Mr. Orsm. We have been a huge fan of yours for years and finally have something worth posting. This is a recent picture taken at Belmont skate park, probably a world first, a hovercraft on a 1/2 pipe. It is an Airboard which is made right here in West Oz, Malaga. We developed it for the sydney olympic games opening ceremony in 2000. The Airboard is latest version, which can be crashed full-on pretty much without damage so its way better fun to ride. I gotta say riding this thing at the skate park is ballsy fun. |
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Sam wrote:
Subject: Crazy Aussie's
Thought you might like these pics I took Saturday at Mindarie harbour, the local youths decided to jump their bike off the dock. I'd just come back from a dive and we when we saw this guy on a bike flying through the air of course we had to check it out. They'd get one of their mates with a scooter to drag them and the bike to the top of the car park which is on an incline then as fast as they could they'd hit the ramp. For bike retrieval they'd tied a thong to the handle bars, so just grab the floating thong and pull. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: naked coworker
Attached are pictures of my buddy's ex girlfriend who is also my fellow co-worker. He recently stopped working at my job and she broke up with him for someone else that works there. So he did what every 22 year old would do to their 19 year old girlfriend when they dump them. Send her nudes to all his friends. |
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Jane wrote:
Subject: Fishing Comp
2007 Lions Fishing Competition on the south coast. Not a place for 2wds!
Ooops... -Orsm |
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Ben wrote:
Subject: My friend Jerry Lee - seeking a female
This is my friend Jerry Lee. All I can say is he is extremely horny and is seeking female companionship. He is a leonberger. He is 3 years old and lives in New Jersey. He weighs in at around 225lbs.
Now THAT's an awesome dog. -Orsm |
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jdonly wrote:
Subject: This bloke ate prawn heads vid
We had a few beers prior to new years and this bloke starts eating prawn heads. He was also eating home brand dog food later in the night. You can tell he is from Dalgety |
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misty wrote:
Subject: swallowed teddy
Long time observer, first time contributor here, this is me swallowing one of those charity teddy bears in a shot of tequila @ The sydney Uni Village, hope its worthy. love the site man. |
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A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realised that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Begrudgingly he agreed.
He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?"
He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together.
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket.
He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. As he ran up the stairs of his apartment he was in such a hurry that he tripped and dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs.
Just then the door opened with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps then he looked at her then back at the snails and said, "Come on lads, not far now!"
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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?" "I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition - whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?" The woman nodded, "Yes... Pepper."
A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off, and enjoying a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."
The good Sister told him to watch his language. On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed." "Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly.
The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he misses again, and the usual comment followed. Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."
On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shit, I missed."
Suddenly a terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.
And from the sky comes a booming voice... "Shit, I missed!"
George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name. "Stanley," responds the little boy. "And what is your question, Stanley?"
"I have 4 questions: First, why did the US invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when half of all
Americans don't have health insurance?
Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?" Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him
his name. "Little Johnnie" he responds. "And what is your question, Little Johnnie?"
"Actually Sir, I have 6 questions: First, why did the US invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when half of all
Americans don't have health insurance? Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And sixth, what the fuck happened to Stanley?"
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha !! I got you !! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache...."
A little Italian boy and a little Jewish boy lived about a block apart in the neighbourhood and basically grew up together. The Jewish boy was the son of a jeweller and the Italian boy was the son of a hit man. Oddly enough, they had the same birthday.
Well, for their 12th birthday, the little Jewish boy gets a Rolex watch and the little Italian boy gets a .22 Beretta.
The next day they are out on the street corner comparing their presents and neither is happy so they switch gifts with each other. The little Italian boy goes home to show his father and his father is NOT impressed!
"What're you, nuts? Lemme tell you something, you idiot!! Some day you're gonna meet a nice girl, you're gonna wanna settle down and get married. You'll have a few kids, all that stuff THEN one day, you're gonna come home and find your wife in bed with another man. What the heck ya gonna do??? Look at your watch and say, 'Hey, how long you gonna be?'"
ORSM VIDEO
It's been a long, long, long couple of days. Sick, busy and no sleep so don't mind if I cut straight to the chase and begin wrapping this bad boy up...
- Check out the site archives. They're bigger than Texas.
- Next update will be next Thursday... as long as I'm feeling better.
- Tell your friends and family to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise no soup for them.
- Email me!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and always be good to your mother. enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2006.02.01-23.44 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Too too too too too hot.
Howdy party peoples. How the hell are we all this week? Me... upbeat, happy but far from chilled out and relaxed. Januarys aren't supposed to be like that one I've just had. In an ideal world I'd get to spend a bit more time doing 'me' things like admiring breasts and perving but it's been all go from the moment 2007 began. I probably shouldn't be complaining though - the polar opposite of extremely busy is extremely bored so if I was languishing in free time I'd probably drive myself insane with the realisation nothing was getting done. Apparently it's a Virgo thing so whatever...
I think it's safe to say that I'm now officially over summer. As I mentioned last week, Friday was Australia Day and we marked the occasion by inviting a bunch of mates over to my place for a BBQ. We did all the stuff you need to do - bought booze and meat and groceries, borrowed chairs and a blow-up pool, made the house presentable and got ready to enjoy the day. The only problem was the weather... for use of a better word it was absolutely fucking ridiculous.
Stats... the forecast was for 39°C [102°F] and not only did it creep past that to 41°C [105°F] but it remained sweltering for the entire day. By 9.30pm it was still 37°C [98°F] and lightning. Not exactly what you would call ideal if you're trying to sit outside but once the sun set everything eventually cooled to a less sweat inducing temperature and the party began...
From there we kept drinking, one thing led to another and before you know it, it was almost 6am. I not too sure how we managed to pull it off but the little Aussie Day BBQ lunch turned into an 18 hour extravaganza so when I finally crawled into bed I passed out straight away. All up, despite the heat, it was a sensational day.
This got me thinking again about day light saving. I blogged about this a while back after Western Australia kicked off a three year trial. Anyway at this point I am against it. Why? Basically because the way my days are structured I don't see any benefit in the extra hours of sunlight and as a matter of fact it kind of bugs me to look outside at 8pm and still see it bright. Also there's something not right about eating dinner while the sun is out so it pushes meal time back to after 9pm which is just annoying. Regardless, we've got a two more summers ahead of us and as my routine changes my opinion inevitably will.
The rest of the weekend was a joke. Saturday was hotter than Friday so I spent it locked inside with air-conditioners blazing and trying to get the house cleaned up. Sunday wasn't much better either although I did hit the beach first thing. Again it was ridiculously hot and the third consecutive day over 40°C [104°F] so afterwards it was - you guessed it - back home to crank up the aircon and watch a movie with friends.
I'm sure my evil bitch 6th grade teacher Mrs Pullela would piss herself laughing if she heard me say this but weather has always fascinated me and later in the day was a stunning example why. Early evening a storm rolled across the coast so I jumped in the car and raced down to the beach to get some pics [which you can find here]. Not exactly professional but cool to note that whilst I was snapping away at the stunning sunset there were huge dark grey clouds above and behind me, pouring rain, thunder and lighting. Actually kind of surreal but absolutely spectacular.
Okay time to get on with the update. I was speaking to my good friend Ray who told me "you're update last week sucked dogs balls you fat junkie Nazi Jewish homeless fuck" so with those kind, inspiring words I have worked my ass off on this one. Check it...
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The bar room was crowded. All of a sudden, the cute little thing on the stool began to cry. The barkeep asked, "What's the trouble, Sweetie?" She sobbed, "I'm a virgin, and my boyfriend won't have anything to do with me because I'm inexperienced. What should I do?" Three men and a lesbian were killed in the rush.
--
A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69." She says, "It's that time of the month, you know, the wrong time. But if you don't mind, I don't mind." They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings. She says, "Answer the door." He says, "But my face is a mess." She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich." He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was just eating a jam sandwich." The postman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth... I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."
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An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "Okay thank you," said the American.
He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call."
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, son - it's a local call!"
ORSM
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A cop stops his patrol car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb. The guy is lying on his side with his pants pulled down, the girl has her finger in his ass-hole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.
The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?" The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pouring down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."
The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke." She says, "Yeah? Wait till I put this finger in his mouth."
The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Phoenix. The mayor could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop. The people of Phoenix couldn't walk on the sidewalks or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to try to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.
One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. "I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can pay me five million dollars and ask one question." The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.
The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Arizona sky. All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the blue pigeon. They gathered up behind the blue pigeon. The Phoenix pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city.
The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City Hall. The Mayor was very impressed. He thought the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of pigeons.
Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 5 million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 5 million just to get to ask ONE question!
The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his question. The mayor asked: "Do you have a blue Mexican?"
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READER MAIL
My goal for RM this year was to concentrate on quality over quantity but as you'll see this week you guys get both! There's still and absolute shit load of mail lying around that is front page worthy so I'll try and get that up in coming weeks. If you would like to contribute
and have your naked pictures, hilarious jokes, funny vids or pretty
much anything else featured on the site then you should feel welcome
to drop me a line here. On with the mail...
Matthew wrote:
Subject: Additions for Perth Driving
Hi,
Seems Hobart is as bad as Perth. Here's some more:
33. Always travel at 20km/h less than the speed limit, after all why should anyone else get to their destination on time.
34. If you are visiting Perth ensure you have a good look at every new landmark, in fact slow right down and point, we enjoy you being a selfish prick.
35. If you are over 65 just stay the !@$* home.
36. Burnouts in suburban areas are great fun and in secret most people enjoy you almost hitting their kids and cars and leaving 600m black marks on the road. Especially at 2am, Really.
37. Reversing your car into a park has been calculated to be 10 times more efficient than doing it the normal way. Make sure you really take your time, other drivers don't mind waiting for you.
38. Don't bother looking out for oncoming traffic when you exit a park. Other drivers will be keeping an eye out for you and are always keen to test rule 6.
39. When using rule 1 wait until the driver just behind you, in the adjacent lane, indicates to change and cut him off. Hell you WERE in front.
40. When applying rule 33 speed up during any section where the driver behind you could overtake after all no-one is as important as you. |
Iain wrote:
Subject: On Australia - Racist Perverts?
Alright, I'm from England and to be honest we don't get much Aussie news over here.. So I had no clue you were racist pervs until I read your update! But I have liked every Australian I've met so far (maybe five, not counting when i went to Australia).
On a related note though, you shouldn't worry too much, big racism thing going on here over celeb big brother.
Figured I'd mail you as you asked people to and I enjoy browsing your site so much when I have nothing better to do. Keep it up!
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William Botte wrote:
Subject: Re: Perverted Racists
Are Australians perverted racists? I dunno, isn't that your endearing quality, along with not taking yourselves too seriously.
From a seriously arrogant and befuddled Yank. |
< with held> wrote:
Subject: Carved Tree
Thought you should know, that Carved Tree is actually the "Tree of Life" from Disney's Animal Kingdom. It is built from several hundred smaller pieces of covered wire frame that are attached to an old oil rig put right in the middle of Animal Kingdom. More info here and here. There is also a small 4D attraction built inside of it. |
Jake Wilhite wrote:
Subject: New Rules for 2007
Those "New Rules" are from comedian Bill Maher. He does them on his"Real Time with Bill Maher" Friday night talk-show here in the States.
I think he also wrote a book using those "New Rules". Figured you
might want to know. |
Lance wrote:
Subject: Great shot taken on Australia Day in Perth
Check out this awesome photo - this one deserves an award. Fireworks, Lightning, Sunset, a Comet, and the greatest of Aussie icons, the Beach all in one image. In addition to the obvious features in the photo, look between the two displays of lighting up the sky to see the third - McNaught's Comet. The photo was taken just north of Hillary's Marina, which you can see the harbour wall on the left with fireworks being launched. |
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Jez wrote:
Subject: White Elephant Restaurant, Bunbury, WA.
Don't try the chef special. Sign in the White Elephant Restaurant across the road from the Bunbury Tower |
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Stephen Matters wrote:
Subject: Belle on the bar
This pic was taken when the "Belle" (from Manly Qld) was returning to Brisbane. Couldn't have planned the shot any better. Great site. Keep up the good work. Cheers! |
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Ralphie wrote:
Subject: Happy New Year
I was Recently on holiday in Tenerife for Christmas 2006. Great food good women and cheap drinks. On going out to the beach one sunny morning with the wife I saw the reason a shaven haven is such a lovely thing. Know this was not a nude beach or adults only, just a normal come one come all family beach but this women obviously never noticed to our horror she was showing the world here nice big hairy ginger muff. The best bit was she was sunbathing next to the pavement side of the beach so everybody passing by could see the laughter drowned the sound out of nice sunny day in Tenerife. Big Hello to all family The Wife & Mom and Dad and mates Mikey Boy ,Deano, Chrissy. |
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den wrote:
Subject: ex girlfriend pix
this is a pick i was sent off someone who i tried to shag on a internet site. turned out that this guy was sending his girlfriends pics out and pretending to be her. did he think we would meet and i wouldn't notice ????? she does look like a dirty cow though |
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Martin wrote:
Subject: summernats 20
various summernats pics. hide my address please |
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ph0x wrote:
Subject: Vids of chicks from Summernats 20
Hey Orsm. Heres a few vids I took on Saturday @ Summernats 20. Hope ya like em. Cheers |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: ex pics
pics of ex, dont share my email |
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Seymore Downunder wrote:
Subject: GERMAN TANK! AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
German tank recovered from the lake after 62 years! As far it has been known, after a small repair and service they were able to start its diesel engine. |
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christopherwk wrote:
Subject: A small stone chip through the windscreen....
Hi Orsm, Here are some pics where half a drum brake off a lorry came flying through my windscreen at 70mph on the motorway. If I was driving just six inches to my right, that thing would have gone straight through and taken my head off. Great site as always, keep up the good work. |
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Nathan wrote:
Subject: mate scratches fake scratchie
I have a mate named Matt who is a maniac with scratchies and buys one almost everytime we go out. I bought a packet of fake scratchies that guarantee a $10000 win everytime. We were at a mates place one day and i slipped him one and filmed his reaction... Watch his face the second he realises it's a joke... CLASSIC haha.. |
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Frozen Rodent wrote:
Subject: Arrival of Anti-Bindi Propaghanda
Years of making fucking terrible music has recently taken its toll, instead I have focused my efforts on making Anti-Bindi Irwin films. I heard you plight on a check up of your site, and had only just posted this on Pootube days before. Hope this makes you, your regular, and irregular readers hate me that little bit more. |
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Daniel wrote:
Subject: ESPN's coverage of Saddam
Hello Friends, While making fun of the deceased may no be appropriate for some viewers, you should be reminded that this is a commentary on the media... some which is very appropriate indeed... |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Got to be worth a post
Been a fan of the site for years, first time posting, keep up the good work dude.
So does she deliberately fall of the bed there or...? -Orsm |
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A koala is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says to the koala "Hey! What are you doing?" The koala says "smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks him what's the matter. The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says - "Hey you!" The koala looks down and says: "Faaaaarrrrk dude... how much water did you drink?!!"
ORSM
VIDEO
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Sadly, Dave was born without ears, and though he proved to be successful in business, his problem annoyed him greatly. One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up three interviews.
The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Dave asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the reply. Dave did not appreciate his candour and threw him out of the office.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" Well," she said stammering, "You have no ears." Dave again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.
The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch, he was a young man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart. He was handsome, and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Dave was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?"
Dave was shocked and realised this was an incredibly observant person.
"How in the world did you know that?" he asked. The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears!"
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says... "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf".
One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through. "Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today You must park..." Then the power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner.
As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.
With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself.
Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "is it raisin for you, too?" "No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quiverin!"
ORSM
VIDEO
They said it couldn't be done. They mocked, they heckled, they laughed... but I showed them... I showed them ALL! Yes, this brings to a close another behemoth update and another enormous week. If you've made it this far then all the countless hours I spent in front of the computer slapping this bad boy together were worth it. If not, then I guess not huh...?
- Check out the site archives. They're chock-full of all the coolest shit on the internet from the last six years!
- Next update will be next Thursday... unless I drown during fishing tomorrow.
- Tell your friends and family to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise they will have bad luck for seven years.
- Email me!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stay out of the wet patch. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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