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Welcome back to Orsm.net for another
huge update. If you're a bit of a scraggler and new to these parts
then I suggest you do yourself a favour and work your way through
the site archives which are contain enough
humour, porn
and other random shite to keep
you busy for another 2 and a half years!
I know there's been absolutely tonnes
of commentary on the net and in the media about the Michael Jackson
documentary from a few weeks back but I only managed to catch it
the second time round so forgive me for being a couple of kicks
behind the play here. I'm still trying to figure out if I feel sorry
for him for being so god damn out of touch with reality or if he's
just a rich pedophile.
What offended me most about the
whole thing was not that he admitted he sleeps with kids [everyone
does that don't they!?] but his utter disregard for money. I was
absolutely disgusted watching him on his shopping expedition and
the flamboyant
opulence which ensued.
There's an argument here for him
having worked hard his entire life and deserving it but who in their
right mind would walk into a shop and blow US$4-5 million without
thinking twice about it? I know I couldn't and especially not when
you consider that'd be enough to set most normal people up for life.
Remember the Advice Asshole? Seems
we've neglected the poor little bugger and I'm guessing he'd love
to get back to doing what he does best - dishing out the best advice
money can't buy! Email
him here or check out his previous exploits here: AA1,
AA2, AA3,
AA4 & AA5!
I've been getting slammed by some
severe headaches lately and I'm losing pretty much the whole day
on account of them. Whilst I am 99% sure it's muscular [ie. neck
muscles causing headaches] I'd be interested in hearing any good
ways to shake the little bastards because I really can not be bothered
going to a physio, a chiro or a masseuse [no
matter how erotic the massage may be!]. Drop me a line here
if you've got any good ideas.
Orsm.net Newsletter. I've decided
I'm going to send them out monthly because the weekly thing just
doesn't work for me as many of you have noticed. People already
subscribed get access to Orsm's Porn-chive and in future will start
getting access to a few more cool bits and pieces not available
to everyone else just surfing the site! Sign
up here.
Hows this for an awesome job - each week these two lucky bastards go out cruising to find the hottest, most sex starved MILF's on the planet and deliver them a double dose of big fat cock. This is definitely the be all and end all of reality TV and must be seen to be believed. Tonnes of free vids, free pics, sexual mayhem and general running amok @ MILFSeeker.com. Check it.
We're still on the hunt for totally hot Perth
chicks to do a shoot for the site. If you think you've got the goods
and wanna earn some cashola then drop me
a line! Now for some ever-so-sweet Holly galleries...
Holly
1 - Holly 2
- Holly 3 -
Holly 4 - Holly
5 - Holly 6
- Holly 7 - Holly
8
And now for a couple of things for
those of you who are here for more than just some boobies...
and a maybe one or two for those who are..!
50
Things Women Cant Do - Mechanics
Dictionary - Kid-ism's
- Just A Question
Of Standards
Donkey
Kong Jr - MetaCrawler
Searches - Brunei
Sultan's Automotive Empire - The
AniMatrix - AirBrush
Nudes
I hope no one is surfing the site
from work because I get the feeling productivity is about to drop
to an all time low. Time to get this update cranking I think...
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch
of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried
out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into the water. The
Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied,
"No." The Lord again went down and came up with a silver
axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter
replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with
an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter
replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty
and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home
happily.
A few days later while he was walking with his
wife along the riverbank, the woodcutter's wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why
are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the
water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with
Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes,"
cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. "You cheat! That
is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me,
my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I said 'no' to Jennifer
Lopez, You will come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also
say 'no' to her, You will thirdly come up with my wife, and I will
say 'yes,' and then all three will be given to me. But Lord, I am
a poor man and I will not be able to take care of all three wives,
so that's why I said yes this time."
The moral of the story is whenever a man lies
it is for an honourable and useful reason.
One fine day in Ireland, a gentleman was out
golfing and teed up his ball on the 16th hole. He smashed the golf
ball with his driver. Unfortunately, his drive went into the woods.
He walked down the fairway and went looking for his ball. After
searching for a while, he found a little man unconscious with the
golf ball lying next to him. "Goodness," said the golfer,
and proceeded to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awaking, the little guy said, "Well,
you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you
three wishes." The man said, "I can't take anything from
you. I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly." The man then
turned and walked away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun
thought to himself, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he
did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the
three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a
great golf game, and a great sex life." Well, a year went by
and the same golfer went golfing on the same course at the 16th
hole. He hit his drive into the very same woods and went off searching
for his ball. When he found the ball he saw the same little guy
and asked how he was doing. The leprechaun said, "I'm fine,
and might I ask how your golf game is?"
"It's great! I hit under par every
time." "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money
is holding out?" The golfer said, "Well, now that you
mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a
hundred dollar bill." "I did that for you. And might I
ask how your sex life is?" The golfer looked at him a little
shyly and said, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."
The leprechaun was floored and stammered, "Once
or twice a week?" "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic
priest in a small parish."
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A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won
first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, last
April. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become
to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of
everything in our environment. In his project he urged people
to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination
of the chemical dihydrogen monoxide. Please find below a summary
of his argument:
1. Can cause excessive sweating and vomiting.
2. It is a major component in acid rain.
3. It can cause severe burns in its gaseous state.
4. Accidental inhalation can kill you.
5. It contributes to erosion.
6. It decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes.
7. It has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients.
He asked 50 people if they supported a
ban of the chemical. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided,
and only one knew that the chemical was water (H20). The title
of his prize winning project was, 'How Gullible Are We?' He
feels the conclusion is obvious.
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A little girl and her mother were taking a walk
in the park when they stumbled on two dogs having sex. The little
girl asked her mom. "What are they doing?" Not knowing
what to say the mom quickly answers, "They are baking a cake".
The next morning the little girl walks up to
her mom and says. "Mommy, I know what you and daddy were doing
last night." The mom asks what…? "You two were baking
a cake." The mom asks and "how do you know?" The
little girl says "cause I licked the icing off the couch."
Get this." said a guy to his friends, "Last
night, while I was down at the bar with you guys, a burglar broke
into my house. "Did he get anything?" his friends asked.
The guy said, "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and
a pair of
broken ribs."
One of his friends ask, "Whoa! But ... how???"
The guy answered, "Well, it was really late at night and my
wife thought it was *me* coming home drunk!!"
ONE SMART DOG
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa.
He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the
dachshund starts chasing butterflies & before long the little
dog discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a
leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention
of having lunch.
The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble
now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, &
immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the
approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund
exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder
if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard
halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him,
& slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard
"that was close, that dachshund nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the
whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge
to good use & trade it for protection from the leopard. So,
off he goes, but the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard
with great speed, & figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard,
spills the beans & strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The leopard is furious at being made a fool of & says, "Here
monkey, hop on my back & see what's going to happen to that
conniving canine."
Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with
the monkey on his back & thinks, "What am I going to do
now?" Instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to
his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet...
And just when they get close enough to hear,
the dachshund says, "Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off
half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
FROM TERRY JONES (MONTY PYTHON)
IN THE OBSERVER LATE LAST MONTH:
I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason
for bombing Iraq: he's running out of patience, and so am I! For
some time now I've been really pissed off with Mr Johnson, who lives
a couple of doors down the street.
Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food
shop. They both give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is
planning something nasty for me, but so far I haven't been able
to discover what. I've been round to his place a few times to see
what he's up to, but he's got everything well hidden. That's how
devious he is.
As for Mr Patel, don't ask me how I know, I just
know - from very good sources - that he is, in reality, a mass murderer.
I have leafleted the street telling them that if we don't act first,
he'll pick us off one by one.
Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof,
why don't I go to the police? But that's simply ridiculous. The
police will say that they need evidence of a crime with which to
charge my neighbours.
They'll come up with endless red tape and quibbling
about the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and all the
while Mr Johnson will be finalising his plans to do terrible things
to me, while Mr Patel will be secretly murdering people. Since I'm
the only one in the street with a decent range of automatic firearms,
I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace.
Until recently that's been a little difficult.
Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that all I need to
do is run out of patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever
I want!
That's why I want to blow up Mr Johnson's garage
and kill his wife and children. Strike first! That'll teach him
a lesson. Then he'll leave us in peace and stop peering at me in
that totally unacceptable way. Mr Bush makes it clear that all he
needs to know before bombing Iraq is that Saddam is a really nasty
man and that he has weapons of mass destruction - even if no one
can find them.
I'm certain I've just as much justification for
killing Mr Johnson's wife and children as Mr Bush has for bombing
Iraq. Mr Johnson and Mr Patel are just the tip of the iceberg. There
are dozens of other people in the street who I don't like and who
- quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will be really
safe until I've wiped them all out. My wife says I might be going
too far but I tell her I'm simply using the same logic as the President
of the United States. That shuts her up.
Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and if
that's a_good enough Reason for the President, it's good enough
for me. I'm going to give the whole street two weeks - no, 10 days
- to come out in the open and hand over all aliens. And interplanetary
hijackers, galactic outlaws and interstellar terrorist masterminds,
and if they don't hand them over nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm
going to bomb the entire street to kingdom come.
It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing
- and, in contrast To what he's intending, my policy will destroy
only one street.
LINKAGE
Ebaums
World - EHOWA
- Cloud 10
- Rate
My Tattoo - Want
To date Me - Jarkey
- Porngasm -
Alberta
Fusion
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy Bob.
They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for
a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled
into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the
door if they could spend the night.
"I realise its terrible weather out there
and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,"
she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let
you stay in my house,"
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll
be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll
be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found
their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they
got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine
months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It
took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined
that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met
on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob,
do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed
at on our ski holiday up north?" "Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle
of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Yes,"
Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have
to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead
of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said,
"Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"Well she just died and left me everything."
BUGATTI SUPER [DUPER] CAR
An Army Ranger was deployed to Afghanistan. While
he was stationed there he received a letter from his girlfriend.
In the letter she wrote that she had slept with two guys while he
has been gone, she wanted to break up and requested that he send
back her picture.
The soldier did what any squared away soldier
would do. He went around to all his buddies and collected all the
unwanted photographs of women. He then mailed about twenty five
of the pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:
"I'm sorry I can't remember which one you
are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest
back."
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Appenzell,
Switzerland - City
lights at Dawn, Hong Kong
Cologne
Cathedral & Hohenzollern Bridge Cologne, Germany
- Dolomite
Mountains, Italy
Garden
of the Gods In Colorado Springs, Colorado - Hallstatt,
Austria - Rush
Hour in Venice, Italy
Sydney
Skyline, Australia - St.
Anton at Arlberg Tirol, Austria - Sugar
Loaf Mountain in Rio De Janeiro, Brazil
Walkway
to Paradise in Tiputa Rangiroa, French Polynesia
|
ORSM
VIDEO
READER MAIL
Squillions of
emails from you guys lately. Keep it coming - I read all of
em at some point. First email is from an Aussie living in
London commenting on Australian sports supremacy... a song
we know all too well around here!
Shags
wrote:
Subject: Soccer Blues...
Well if you thought the atmosphere of the
country was bad after they got knocked out of the world cup
- then you should see them now. It's mass suicide all round
and the the England coach is totally getting raked over the
coals for not taking the games seriously enough. Everyone
keeps coming up with the excuse that England didn't take it
seriously and it's a friendly so it doesn't count. But like
I say, we still beat the senior team (the one fielded in the
first half) by two goals. Besides, we could only beat the
team they put in front of us, and we did, soooooooooo convincingly.
To be fair though, the english players didn't take it seriously
and if they had showed a scrap of the spirit they showed when
they played Argentina, they would have won. None of the senior
team deserved their england shirts. The Sun newspaper is going
to burn the ashes of an english football and hand it over
to the Australian team - or so the story goes. And now soccer
is just another english national sport that we can flog the
poms at. What do they have left???? Bring on the rugby world
cup. It's day's like these that I am sooooo happy to be an
Aussie in London. (Except everyone tells me to stop being
so bloody smug...) |
Roger
wrote:
Subject: Political photos and comments
I enjoy visiting your web site, you have
some great pictures and jokes. But I'm wondering why you don't
post parody photos and comments about other world leaders
than President Bush? I'm assuming that you are Australian
and don't live here in the "States". I served in
Vietnam in the 60's with the Aussie soldiers and have the
deepest respect for them and the people of your country. I
was even tempted to come to your country in the 70's when
you were offering homesteads. Mr. Bush, like anyone else in
the world, is not perfect. But most of us here have a renewed
sense of comfort with him in the White House. Mr. Gore, his
opponent in the last election, couldn't even win in his own
home State. If your "mates" don't have any confidence
in you, how could anyone else? Our previous leader, and his
political party, were fast on the road to taking many of our
basic freedoms, such as individual gun ownership, leaving
us to be victimized by any thug that comes along. From what
I hear, your people may be painfully aware of that problem.Basically,
I have no problem with political satire and poking fun at
world leaders as long as you poke fun at them all. Otherwise,
I may have to stop visiting your site. That may be of no concern
to you, but I feel it a matter of common courtesy to those
of us who live here in the States.
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ses6@canada.com
wrote:
Subject: Are you going to be my friend
Dear beautiful: I am 28 years old, male,
and I like sex and nude very much, but I didn't do it yet,
I'd like to have a girlfriend like you, so please accept
me, and always send me your nude pictures. And be always
in touch with me. Could you be my teacher in sex. I'd like
to have a lot of sexy girlfriend. I love you and your tits.
Best regards, ses6.
|
narkotik
Niels wrote:
Subject: the joke is on you bro!
My brother thought it would be a real
funny idea to take a pic of him skidmarking his mate but he
kinda forgot to cover his jewels...! |
 |
adam brown
wrote:
Subject: hot girlfriend
hi what's up? first off, helluva site.
keeps me comin' back. anyways, me and my girlfriend are
wondering if you'd be at all interested in pics of ourselves
screwing and what not. she's extremely hot, and i've been
told the same. we've both had modeling jobs in the past
and are still in the business occaisionally. i'm not sure
how this site (or others) work, but if you know how to score
me some cash for pics of me and my girl i'd appreciate it.
even if you can't help me out personally do you know anyone
that can?
Pictures of you? No... but pics
of your girlfriend and sister in a tasty lesbian romp would
be okay!
|
Chris Hall
wrote:
Subject: out to wet babys head
hes a new dad so we got him pissed loaded
him with cury at balti house then pics when he passed out
but we love the guy realy. regards chris
|
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After working for many long, hard years a hooker
decides to finally retire. Fearful of spending the rest of her life
alone, she also decides to marry. Having been with so many perverted
men over the years, she felt that she needed a change and committed
to marrying only a virgin male approximately the same age as herself.
She took out numerous ads in various newspapers
around the world seeking a male virgin approximately 55 years old.
She finally narrowed her choices down to one Australian computer
programmer. After a thorough background check, she was convinced
that he indeed had never been with a woman and they were soon afterward
married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom
to change into her nightie. When she returns, she finds that her
new husband has taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked
it in one corner. Thinking this rather kinky, she asks her husband,
"I thought you had never been with a woman before?" "That's
true I haven't, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're
going to need all the room we can get!!!"
One day the travelling dildo salesman visited
a new town and went about plying his wares to all the wives who
were home. He went to the first house and showed the first wife
all of his wares. She thought for a little bit, trying to decide
between the medium-sized pink one, and the large black one. Eventually,
she bought the large black one.
He went to the second house, and showed his dildos
to the second wife. She too, bought the large black dildo.
He went to the third and fourth houses, and all
happened as before. He went to the fifth house, and showed all of
his wares to the fifth wife. She didn't think a moment before saying,
"I'll take the huge silver one." The salesman looked slightly
confused for a second, but went ahead and charged her double what
he normally charged for the large black one.
When he got home that evening his wife asked
him how his day had gone. He replied it had gone well. "How
many dildos did you sell?" she asked.
"Well," he said, "I sold
four of the large black ones.... and my thermos."
FUN WITH EXCEL
Name
The Album - Name
The 80's Arcade Game - Who
Wants To Be A Millionaire?
The pope is going on an overseas trip. A limo
driver picks him up, loads all his cases into the boot and then
is about to leave when he notices the pope still standing on the
footpath with arms crossed.
"Your eminence, you must get in or we'll
be late," he says. The pope replies," Actually, I'd like
to drive, they never let me drive at the Vatican." The driver,
wishing he'd called in sick say, "But your eminence, it's more
than my jobs worth"
The pope replies, " I really want to drive
and there might be something extra in it for you." The driver
gives up, climbs into the back seat and lets the pope drive. The
pope immediately floors it getting up to 150 in no time. This soon
attracts the attention of a patrol car who gives chase. the pope
pulls over and winds down the window as the police officer walks
up and looks in the window. The officers jaw drops and he says,
"Excuse me, I've got to call the chief!"
He gets on the radio and says, "Chief, I've
pulled this guy over doing 150 in a 60 zone." "So book
him," the chief says. "I think he's pretty important,"
the officer replies."All the more reason to book him."
"You don't understand, he's really important."
"Is it the Mayor?" "No" "The Govenor?"
"No" "Well who then?""I think it must be
GOD because... he's got the pope driving him around."
The priest in a small Irish village was very
fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the
parish rectory. He had a rooster and approximately 10 hens. One
Saturday night the rooster was missing and the priest suspected
that was the time the cock fights occurred in the village. So, he
decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has
anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up. "No, no,"
he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "That wasn't
what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up. "No, no," he said again, "That
wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?" All the alter
boys stood up.
Jim and Jayne are staying in a hotel and after
a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed.
However, as soon as they settle down Jim leans
over and whispers softly "Hey snuggle boopy-doops, your little
hubby-wubby isn't quite ready for nighty-nighty yet."
Jayne takes the hint and says "OK, but I
have to use the bathroom first." So off she goes but on her
way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her
face.
Brian jumps up and exclaims in concerned tone,
"Oh my precious little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all
righty?"
No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they
have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, Jayne goes
off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same
piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.
Jim looks over and grunts, "Clumsy
bitch."
MATERIAL THINGS
One day at kindergarten, a teacher said to the
class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell
me who was the most famous man who ever lived." An Irish boy
put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The teacher
said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct." Then a Scottish
boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The
teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus
Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin,
come up here and I'll give you the $2."
As the teacher was giving Marvin his money she
said, "You know Marvin, you being Jewish, I was very surprised
you said Jesus Christ." Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart
I knew it was Moses, but business is business.
This guy was lonely and so he decided life would
be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told
the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion,
he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box
to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location
for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet
to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box,
"Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few
minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar
and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer
from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking
about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time
putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting,
"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to
Frank's place and have a drink with me? A little voice came out
of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my
fucking shoes."
I reckon thats about good enough for this week.
Hope you've all managed to waste countless hours surfing what took
me countless hours of compiling so until next week be good, stay
off the chems and make sure you send
you sister over here! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
