I've got to admit that this update turned out WAY better than I was expecting. Not usually the case because, obviously, I always expect each new update to turn out amazingly well and, obviously, they do. But this week it's been a case of all guns blazing to get a monster sized end of September update finished, or as it's also known, started. There are two reason for this. 1) I'm taking 4 days off around then and 2) Orsm.net turns 17 this month. Seven-fucking-teen! That's almost legal. It actually goes back before that but it was somewhere around September 2000 I started to actually give a fuck. That's when Netscape Composer was still a thing. Anyway as I was saying, its going to be server-destroyingly large with buttloads of vids and galleries and just whatever everything/nothing that can be thrown in and bolted on. Sure you guys'll probably surf by, check like two clips thereby diminishing all the effort which is going in to the Godzilla update. And that's fine. It'll hurt bad its fine.
Moving on... was going to cover public speaking and hangovers so ladies and gentlemen please charge your glasses and put your hands together, that isn't going to happen. And I'm okay with that because don't particularly feel the need to relive either of them. Suffering both over the weekend was more than enough. In other news, I absolutely fucking SUCK at speaking to an audience. Makes me cringe thinking about it. Never again. Honestly if there are two three things I hate its speaking in front of groups, costume parties and surprise parties. Have had to endure all of them in the past month and with my own birthday approaching I've made it very clear to the one with the boobs NONE of those horrible things be inflicted upon me. Combine that with an ever-growing list of people I don't want around to celebrate with its probably going to result in watching old Star Trek episodes by myself in a dark room. Sounds almost perfect!
On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it that said 'Out of Order.' A sceptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a coin in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a nearby building. "What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance at the meter "There's plenty of time left!"
--
Two buddies were having a few before they went home and the conversation turned to their wives. One said to the other "I find my wife entertaining". "Gee... that's great" replied his drinking buddy. "Wish I could say that". "Yeah? Well... you wouldn't think it was so great if you found her entertaining every damn time you went in the door".
--
"I'm ashamed of the way we live" a young wife said to her lazy husband who refused to find a job. "My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed". The husband rolled over on the couch. "You *should* be ashamed" he agreed. "Those two worthless brothers of yours never give us a cent".
--
Old Guy: "Doc, I got aches and pains all over! Can you fix me?" Doctor: "You're in excellent shape for 90! I'm not a magician - I can't make you any younger". Old Guy: "Who asked you to make me younger? Just make sure I get older!"
--
Joe: "This morning my dad gave me soap flakes instead of corn flakes for breakfast". Sam: "I bet you were mad". Joe: "Mad? I was foaming at the mouth!"
--
A man went to his lawyer and told him "My neighbour owes me $500 and he won't pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer. "Nope" replied the man. "Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1,000 he owed you" said the lawyer. "But it's only $500" replied the man. "Precisely. That's what he will reply and then you'll have your proof!"
--
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship" the husband explained. "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts. She communicates well and I act like I'm listening".
--
At Sunday school the teacher was teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he was ill, and she said "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife".
--
"Give me a sentence about a public servant" asked a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant". The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "I sure do" said the young boy, confidently. "It means 'carrying a child.'"
--
I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer (a girl) came up behind me, and slapped me on the butt. She said "Hey sexy, how about giving me your number". I looked at her and said "Have you got a pen". She said "I sure do". I said "Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you're missing".
A while ago I had a blind date with a Jewish girl. She asked me for my number. I told her that we usually use names.
--
Therapist: "I think you have a phobia of marriage. Do you know what the symptoms are?" Me: "Can't say I do". Therapist: "That's one of them".
--
Donald Trump was asked if he could quote any Bible verses. He replied "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Deport him and you do not have to feed him again".
--
A young teenager comes home from school and asks her mother "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?" "Yes, dear" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it. "But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?
--
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his younger cousin asked him "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen" the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he answered so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy" the little boy said "all you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer'".
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A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighbouring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings".
The pro said "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" The Priest said "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation... and, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them".
The train was travelling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper.
The man peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me kiss you for $1?" "Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper.
A short while later he looked across again and said "Would you let me kiss you for $1000?" After a brief pause, the woman replied "Yes, I suppose I would!" Again the man returned to his newspaper.
A few minutes later the man asked "Would you let me kiss you for $5?" "Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now "What kind of girl do you take me for?" "We've already established that" replied the man "now we're just haggling over the price!"
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called 'The Key' where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Key'.
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful - the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"For all these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them".
The doctor looked at her closely and said "Those aren't bags, those are your tits".
"Oh!" she said "No point asking about the beard then...''
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It's safe to say most people working in hospitality, or hospo as its known, will have a couple of good stories about encounters with fuckwit customers. Reading through these you can't help but wonder how these jerks go through life treating those who serve like this!
-I ask if they want fries, coleslaw, or fruit with their meal. They ask "Can I get a cup of soup?" I say "Sure but it's $0.99 extra as stated on the menu". They say "Fine". Then, I ask them again "but fries, coleslaw, or fruit come with the meal, so which do you want?" "I want a cup of soup" they reply. All the while I'm trying not to yell "NO SHIT SHERLOCK DO YA WANT FRIES SLAW OR FRUIT WITH THE FUCKIN MEAL?"
-No I will not hold your baby while you eat your salad!
-My all-time favourite thing is that people walk in the front door and totally ignore the huge "Please wait to be seated" sign. So they go sit down before anyone notices they are there. 15 minutes later someone notices that there are people sitting in the farthest corner of the restaurant and don't have any menus or silverware. Then all I hear for the rest of their visit is how they waited fifteen minutes to be waited on.
-Let's don't forget my favourite customers, the ones who order a cup of coffee, put four creamers in it, talk for fifteen minutes before they take their first sip and then complain (very loudly) that their coffee is cold... duh!
-If your friend is too drunk to sit up, take him home before coming to the restaurant.
-Tell the server you are ready to order than proceed to read the entire menu while the server is standing there.
-Then there is the regular customer that comes in and has coffee doesn't want anything else until you get busy then asks for her usual (which changes every-other-week) as you are running by.
-Complain loudly to the server about the prices and then proceed to leave a lousy tip because you're angry about the prices. Remember the server has a lot of say into what prices are charged.
-Ever had the couple who only order one cup of coffee and one time when you go to the table the cup is directly in front of him... you refill it, and as you walk back by the table 2 minutes later... she is enjoying his refill as her cup of coffee. Cheapskates!
-Don't you love the ones that ask what kind of potatoes you have and after telling them, baked, mashed, French fries, and potato salad, say they'll have hash browns... DID I SAY HASH BROWNS?!
-A customer asks you to name all 16 flavours of ice cream that you have, you get half way through the list, they then stop you and ask "Don't you have Vanilla? That's what I want". If that's what you wanted you could have A) Told me that to start with or B) Waited til I finished naming all the flavours because if we have it, I'll name it.
-People who ask "Well, what would you recommend?"... then COMPLETELY ignore your advice!
-If you want to drive your server insane, tell them you want decaf coffee, tell them why you can't have caffeine, tell them to make sure it's decaf, wait til the coffee is brought to the table and ask again if they're sure it's decaf, and make them explain how they know the pot they poured from is decaf.
-People who order a salad full of cheese, bacon, fried chicken, lard, etc and then ask if you have fat-free dressing.
-When you read back an order to a large party and the customers okays it but when the food comes out and I'm holding six sizzling steaks, no one wants to claim any of them. "I didn't order that. Did you order that?" Duh! Someone ordered all of this food!
-Another way to drive your server insane is to ask the server to name all 15 vegetables they have available that night while the list is on the first page of the menu. After naming all 15, ask the server if those are ALL the vegetables they have. Then proceed to ask for something that is not on the list.
-I picked up a summer job at a small restaurant on the riverfront. They weren't always crowded, so we were not that busy (even though they were impressed by my catering/banquet serving experience and were going to hire me for that - it never panned out much to my dismay as that would have meant big $$$.) I worked there for about a month... the pay wasn't that great, they took the tip percentage whether or not I actually got the tips. The final straw came when during week 3, they decided to get the nice Polo style short sleeve shirts with the logo embroidered... they just gave them out to us, no big deal. The next pay, I get a check for about 12.00 because they took out the cost of the shirt (it was like a 40.00 shirt!!! plus the tips and taxes taken out!) Talk about pissed! The owner's wife just handed out the shirt, not telling that we'd have to pay for it!
-Once, I misheard a customer and thought she ordered crab cakes, but she actually ordered the rabbit crepes. When I brought the crab cakes, she insisted that they looked great and wanted to eat them and wouldn't let me exchange them for the crepes. After the dinner, her friend pulled me and my boss aside and told me she couldn't believe my mistake and that this was her friend's first night out since her husband died, and I had ruined a young widow's evening with my incompetence. I cried. The widow later apologised for her bitch friend and said she really did want crab cakes.
-I had this customer who liked this one certain fork that was bigger than the others. The problem was, we only had one of them. The next time he requested the big fork I thought he was kidding, so I kind of laughed. That was a mistake. He went Hulk on me and started to make a scene. I told him that there was only one and in order to find it I would have to unravel all of our silverware. He didn't care. He proceeded to cuss me out and told me that if I didn't get him his fork we wouldn't have his business anymore. The manager told him that he wasn't going to talk to our waitresses like that ever again or he wasn't allowed to come back in. He ended up getting a plastic fork.
-I was working at a fancy fine-dining spot, and, one late Sunday night, I was at the end of a long double shift, and we were five minutes from closing. A couple walks in and sits at the bar, ready to eat a full meal. We aren't stoked, but of course we accept them. The couple commences a 1.5-hour lavish, tongue-filled make out session right in front of us, hanging out at the bar, fondling each other in between courses. The staff was floored, and we were making fun of them throughout. At the end of their torrid sesh, I approached to ask if they wanted dessert because the pastry chef would be finishing up soon. The woman didn't appreciate my tone, got upset, and forced her dude to leave the restaurant. She wrote an email to the managers the next day claiming that I was a super bitch to them, an email which resulted in me getting fired on principle. The cherry on top happened when the couple had left, and we were cleaning up the bar area where they had been sitting. We noticed a huge wet spot on the woman's chair. She had been wearing a really short skirt. Let's just say it wasn't pee.
Love that shit? Well you're in luck because there's parts ONE, TWO and THREE in the Orsm Archives. Get on it!
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A Priest, a Democrat, and a Marine find themselves surrounded by cannibals after surviving a helicopter crash. The cannibal chief says "I have good news and I have bad news. The bad news is we're going to kill you and make canoes out of your skins. The good news is you can choose how you want die.
The Priest ask for a gun and shoots himself in the head.
The Democrat asks for poison that kills him instantly.
Last, the Marine asks for a fork.
The cannibal chief gives the Marine a confused look and asks "a fork?" But he gives him the fork anyway.
Then, the Marine begins stabbing himself all over his body. The cannibal chief looks at him in shock and yells "What are you doing!?" The Marine looks the chief straight in the eye and yells "HERE'S YOUR FUCKING CANOE!!"
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies in the car, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am" the officer replies "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers".
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Trooper, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask are the other ladies okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time" the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll probably be fine in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119".
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A new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.
She said "Well, he was a big muscular, and handsome US Marine". "Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked. She replied "I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much so I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much either. Finally I said, well, how much do you have? The Marine said that he only had 25 bucks". The new hooker told him "Well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand".
He agreed, and after getting the finances straight, she told the other hookers "He pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above the first, and then the first hand above the second hand..."
"Oh my God!" they all exclaimed "it must have been huge, Then what did you do?" "I loaned him $75!" she said.
A group of scientists one day decided to cut open the heads of a dead German, Japanese guy and a dead blonde, to see what goes on inside their heads and what makes them so different.
They first open the German's head. Inside they see gears everywhere, it looks like the inside of a Swiss watch, extremely impressive. They decide to close the lid and go on to the Japanese guy.
They open the Japanese guy's head. Inside are complex circuit boards and vast electronics, it looks like a computer inside, with chipsets galore. Very impressed by this, they decide to close his lid and move on to the blonde.
Upon opening the blonde's head, they find nothing, only a single wire running from one side of the head to the other. Extremely fascinated by this, and equally stumped by the purpose of the wire, they realise the only way they will find out what it does is to cut it and see what happens.
So, one guy gets the side cutters and they cut the wire. As soon as they do so, the two ears on either side of the blonde's head fall off.
One day on the way home from work, I stopped at the local pharmacy and while I was checking out, I picked up some candy to take home for me and my 7-year old son. It was a bag of Gold Coins (those chocolate ones covered in gold foil).
There were many sizes, from dime to dollar. I took the bag home, and me and my son opened the bag and ate all of the coins, my son taking the bigger dollar-sized ones and me taking the smaller ones.
The next day, my wife, my son and I stopped at the pharmacy again to pick up a few things. While my wife and I were shopping, we noticed that my son had picked up a Gold Coin Condom. Before we could catch him, he took it up to the counter and asked the pharmacist "What's this?"
The woman, looking very serious, said "That's a condom, son". To which my son replied "My daddy BOUGHT me some of these yesterday!"
With a disgusted look on her face, the Pharmacist replied "Those are NOT for children, young man". And finally, my son replied "Then I'll buy this one for my daddy. He likes the little ones!"
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. They can be your best friend or your worst nightmare.
-Next update will be next Thursday. May I tell you again?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will consume you. He eats anything. Always hungry. Let me tell you Ray is so fat that that he's been reclassified from human to 'Lump'.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and I like farting. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2017.08.24-17.500000000
Welcome to some people really are pieces of shit.
It hasn't been a lifelong ambition... and that's only because I predate the Googles... but have always really-really-really wanted to see the Google Streetview Car. There isn't a reason why... other than so people who haven't seen it know that I'm motherfucking better than them.
So Saturday we're driving along, headed home after moving some furniture to a friend's place, chatting away and I see the camera pole thingy poking out the top of a car going the opposite direction. Whip an emergency U-turn and give chase, look over and he's going back past us again. U-turn! See him turn down a side street. U-turn again! We make it back to the side street aaaand he's vanished. Damn. Drive like a mad cunt. Spot him. He's coming back towards us! U-turn around a roundabout. Catch up. Sit behind him at the traffic lights, wave for the cameras, have a laugh.
Honestly the best part was trying to catch up. The worst part was the few moments we thought it might actually be a Bing car instead. Our pursuit ended with the realisation that the Googles driver must genuinely fear for his life with dickheads chasing after him all day long...
While we're on the subject of film and streets and maps and whatever... this is probably completely obvious to some but it never occurred to me. Was watching a show called Snowfall. It's about drugs in early 80's Los Angeles. There was a few seconds-long scene to show the boys headed out of LA to do a deal and the scenery looked very familiar. Took a screenshot, image searched it, and found that it was filmed in Big Sur, an area along that California coast we'd driven through a couple of years ago. More interestingly though was that the exact same footage used in the show was for sale on a stock footage website for $49. The show makers has digitally added a couple of 80's cars and wallah.
Then I searched a few other screenshots. One was from Angie Tribeca - a scene between scenes to, I suppose, let us know the episode was set in NYC. The image search took me to Getty Images who has the few seconds of video for sale at US $2,000. Almost completely sure this scene is used in Billions too. Another $2k!
All quite interesting. My perception was always that when they needed a shot to set location or cut between scenes then the production crew would head/drive/fly/whatever out and do it themselves. Nope. They jump on a stock footage site and have it sorted in a flash. Easy when you know how!
Allllllllrighty then. Getting this update took a few kicks to the ribs along the way. Somehow, and by that I mean working very late and stating very early, it all came together on schedule. What you guys are about to feast on below is a brilliant assortment of the finest, most hilarious, most entertaining videos, jokes, porn and general stuff known to man. Believe me. Check it...
"Do you remember that argument twenty years ago when we sat down to write a list of each other's faults?" I said to the wife. "Oh God yes, I still have mine somewhere" she said with a giggle. "I've finished" I replied.
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I hate people who take drugs. Mainly customs officers.
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"Get this" said the bloke to his mates "Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house!" "Did he get anything?" his mates asked. "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk".
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Why did the slave go to college? So he could pick up his Master's degree.
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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery??' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
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Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.
"Don't you have at least one other ball?" he asked. "Nope, I only need one ball".
"Are you sure? What happens if you lose that one?" "This is a very special golf ball. You can't lose it, so I don't need another one".
"What do you mean you can't lose it! What happens if you slice your shot and the ball goes in the lake?" "That's okay, this special golf ball senses when it's under water and it puts out a steam of bubbles. I'll be able to retrieve it. You can't lose this ball!"
"Well what happens if you hit it into the long rough?" "No problem, you see, this ball can detect the long grass and it sends up puffs of fluorescent smoke. I'll be able to see it easily. You can't lose this ball!"
Exasperated, the friend asks "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball deep into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs. What are you going to do then?" "That's okay too. You see, this special ball can sense the darkness and it makes a beeping sound. I'll be able to get it back - no problem".
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one amazing golf ball, the friend asks "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"
"I found it".
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Monroe and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Monroe would say "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane". And every year Martha would say "I know, Monroe, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars".
This one year Monroe and Martha went to the fair and Monroe said "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance". Martha replied "Monroe, that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars!"
The pilot overheard them and said "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word its ten dollars".
Monroe and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Monroe "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't". Monroe replied "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars".
A Professor held an oral exam. He was in a good mood and the student that he questioned wasn't prepared enough.
"Look here, I can't give you a passing grade based on your answers. I will however let you pass if you tell me how many lightbulbs there are in this room?"
The student counted carefully and confidently said. "32".
The professor started laughing and reached for his bag "Nice try but I got one in my bag, see you next month".
A month passed and the student came to try his luck again.
"I remember you. You failed my lightbulb test last time. So tell me and if you answer correctly I won't question you further. How many lightbulbs are in this room?"
The student looked him in the eye and said "33".
The professor laughed even harder than last time "Oh silly you, I didn't bring a spare lightbulb with me this time".
The student smirked, reached for his bag and triumphantly said "Oh, but I did".
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This section could absolutely begin with a long lead in but I've saved you some time and condensed it down to a pertinent life lesson: people are animals... don't let them in your house!
-I let a group of friends stay at my apartment after a night of heavy drinking. I awoke to a figure standing by my clothes hamper and relieving himself into it. It turned out to be the head bartender of a high-end local steak house. In return, I waltzed in during dinner and sat at the bar ordered a 22oz dry aged porterhouse medium rare with all the fixings and a bottle of Mondavi Cabernet reserve. Took up space of about 2 hours and then shook his hand and left. I think that more than makes up for my clothes and furniture.
-I invited my 40-year-old brother to stay with me after his business had gone bankrupt and he had hit an emotional bottom. Only rule: no drugs or alcohol in the house. One night I spent the night at my girlfriend's house. Upon checking voicemail the following morning, I heard a message from the fire department, left at 12:30 the previous night, saying that they were at my apartment, there had been a fire, and it was "uninhabitable". No news from or of my brother. Returning to my apartment, I found that his bedroom and all its contents had burned beyond recognition, and there was a layer of soot and fire extinguisher chemicals over everything I owned in the world. My brother's story: he had left a candle burning in the bedroom and had fallen asleep watching TV in the next room. The smoke detector had woken him up.
-I had some friends over after a night out at the bar. My buddy and his girlfriend were fighting, and my buddy left. His fairly large girlfriend went into the bathroom, and we noticed that she was in there for quite a while. At one point I looked over towards the bathroom and notice water flooding underneath the door. The girl comes rushing out of the bathroom, pants around here knees, saying "I don't know what happened?!". She had somehow fallen into the toilet, busting the bottom half of the tank. Water was all over the bathroom floor. We ended spending $200 for a new toilet, and she never once offered to pay us back.
-I got blackout drunk for the first time at the house of someone I'd met only a few hours earlier, locked myself in the bathroom, and vomited copiously while clutching myself and sobbing hysterically. I texted them the next day apologising and offering to clean up any mess that was remaining or pay for any professional cleaning they might have had to do. They responded saying that they had no idea that even happened, because apparently one of the things I did while blackout drunk was scrub the bathroom down and clean up after myself. You'd think this would be a one-off, except I did this again a couple years later at my own apartment. My roommates were really confused to wake up to a sparkling bathroom. And I still don't understand it.
-A few years ago, my cousin came to my house with my grandparents for my birthday and we were supposed to hang out together. He is an extreme introvert and he prefers to be alone. He asked me if he can stay in my room alone. We didn't see him for the rest of the day because I have a bathroom in my room and I had some snacks in there. When it was time for them to go home, we all waited outside my room for him to come out. Before we had the chance to knock, he bursted out of the dark room, red-faced and with his hair messy and matted. He sped-walked straight to the car and we all said our goodbyes. I figured he was tired that day and he took a long nap in my bed. It was late when they left and I was partied out so I got ready for bed. When I rested my head on my pillow, I felt a slimy substance in my hair and I immediately knew what it was. When I looked at my pillow, I saw a giant pool of semen in the dent of my pillow.
-My parents invited an old man and his wife over for dinner one night. My parents had 4 children including myself under the age of 15. The old man and his wife arrived to dinner at our house with a strange looking man we had never met before. Turns out the strange man was a paedophile who had just gotten out of jail, and moved into the apartment next to the old man and his wife. The old man befriended the paedophile and thought it was a good idea to bring him to a house full of innocent children.
-Cousins came over to my house for a family BBQ. One of them raided my room while I was out surfing. My parents did not let me lock my room, so it was open game for the family. Cousin took my cell phone, wallet and some video games of mine. Also decided it would be ok to leave his weed remnants in my room. When I get home my brother tells me who was in my room and I tell my mum about the missing stuff and the baggy of stems I found. I get grounded by her for calling her nephew a thief and a lecture about how I don't know how hard they (my cousins) have it. She also claims that the weed was mine and I was just scared that one of the family members found it. She says I am just shifting blame onto someone else. Week goes by and my uncle calls and tells me he found some of my stuff in his sons room. He apologises for his son and tells my mom. But my mum still sides with my cousin.
-He took a bowl of spaghetti O's to the guest bedroom, in the new house that we had just moved into where he proceeded to drop the entire bowl onto our off white carpet. In his desperate attempt to fix the problem, he used the bath towels and a few linens to try and wipe it up. All this did was grind the sauce and pasta into the carpet. Some people might be really mad about that part of the story, but it gets better. Since he didn't know where the carpet cleaner was and since he didn't want to bother us with his screw up, he proceeded to use bleach to try and "make the stain disappear". After he left our home, two days later, we found the mess and attempted to clean it up with the steam vac. It removed the majority of the red sauce, but once it dried, if became obvious that the carpets had been bleached. I know you're wondering, what ass hole would do such a thing? That responsible person would be my father in law.
-My buddy and I were celebrating my birthday and we put down about a fifth and a half of 80 proof whiskey between the two of us. I woke up a few hours after we'd passed out to find him squatting in the middle of the living room taking a giant, spraying drunk-shit all over our brand new hardwood floor.
If you loved that and want more then you're in luck. Bad House Guests was touched upon last year and can be found here!
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Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a paediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, something came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP, who raised his shotgun but then hesitated.
"I'm not quite sure it's a duck" he said "I think that I will have to get a second opinion". And of course by that time, whatever it was was gone.
Another something appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the paediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations" he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.
Next to spy something flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity.
"Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate duck disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.
Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards.
*BOOM*
The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him.
"Go see if that was a duck, will you?"
I ONLY WATCH WOMEN'S SPORT ONLY BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT THE SPORT 😂😂😂
While conducting some business at the Court House, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say "Your Honor, I'm guilty but... there were extenuating circumstances".
The female Judge said, sarcastically "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances".
I did too so, I listened as the lady told her story...
"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned 'Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?'
I'm thinking 'Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science'. Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said 'Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?' 'Fine' I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap!
Complete darkness, the power was off!
Belinda said 'Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag'. Then she headed for the door.
'Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?' I shouted. Belinda kept going and said 'Oh, you fussy puppy... the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back'.
Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me... half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!
After exchanging a polite 'Hi, how's it going' type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible 'Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway'.
'Okay, you take care now' Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said 'Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?'
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...!!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him".
He said "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime".
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight".
The doctor said "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them".
The engineer said "Why can't they play at night?"
WHAT'S SO SEXY ABOUT WET HAIR ANYWAY? THESE 30 BABES MAY KNOW...
The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career. They decided to do a small test.
They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table, and hid, pretending they're not home. The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard".
So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the nearby closet. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive.
The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.
After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it.
Then, he grabbed the bottle, opened it and took a whiff, to get assured of the quality.
Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items. The father slapped his forehead, and said "Shit. He is going to be a politician!"
So here I am in the men's room, standing at the urinal ready to relieve myself. There was a row of three of them and I was on the left. Someone else comes in.
Now, for you ladies, it is impolite to look closely or stare at other people when they are standing in such a position (but you can't hardly help but see a glimmer through peripheral vision) and certainly, if you look, you keep the eyes shoulder high.
So it was obvious, from that casual glance, there was something different here.
The person who came in was a friend of mine and he was staring... staring at the urinal next to mine. So I look too, and there is a quarter down there. Well fine, it can just stay there. I mean, would you?
But Denny just stared at it for about 30 seconds.
Then he whips out his wallet and before you can say boo a $10 bill joins the quarter!
What in the world is going on here? Then he reaches in and fishes out the bill and the quarter.
"Denny" I say "What in the hell are you doing?" "Well, you didn't think I was going to go in there for just a quarter did you?"
Well... in good health; free or recovered from illness.
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
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-Next update will be next Thursday. Should I tell you again?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray, who is so fat he needs a tug boat to help him swim, will eat everything you own.
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Until next time be good, stay off the chems and revenge will be mine muhahahah! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2017.08.17-18.00
Welcome to all your friends are talking about you behind your back...
It's funny or simply just notable or perhaps neither at all, how completely different circumstances, can have the exact same outcome. The outcome, same as last update, is that I'm posting a bunch of jokes up the top here instead of writing a bunch of my own words. The circumstances last week were that shit was more or less quiet, no interruptions, no dramas but somehow couldn't for some unknown reason pull it together on schedule. This week has been completely different. T'was interruption after long phone call after "Can you do something for me..." and so on right up until around lunchtime today when the update was really taking shape. Don't quite know what happened or what keystroke or shortcut I hit but the entire fucking thing vanished. No amount of mashing undo-undo-undo-undo-undo-undo-undo was bringing the fucker back. There's a lot of stuff in an update and I've learned over the years to never delete anything so with enough fucking around, digging through the recycle bin, sorting files by date etc. I managed to cobble it all back together as it was... I think. And that's the masterpiece you guys are about to enjoy! Check it...
One night this guy and his girlfriend are about to go into his apartment. Before he can open his door his girlfriend says "Wait a minute. I think I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door". "Give me some examples" the guy replies. "Well, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he's a rough lover and that isn't for me. If a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole than that means he's inexperienced and that isn't for me either". Then she says, coyly "Honey, how do you unlock your door?" "Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock".
--
My wife came home with a vibrator, started waving it about and screamed". I don't need you now! I don't need you now!" Guess who had to put the batteries in.
--
I was walking down the street today when suddenly I bumped into a cross-eyed man. He said "You need to look where you're walking!" "Fuck off" I said "You need to walk where you're looking".
--
I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite. I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success. All the while, my wife Karen is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yelled to me "You need a piece of tail". I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite!"
--
They've opened a new shop across the road selling camouflage clothing but I have my suspicions something weird is going on. Yesterday I saw 20 people go in but I never saw anyone coming out.
-- Two women are having coffee. First woman (in confidential tone) "I'm going to have a boob job". Second woman: "That's nothing. I'm thinking of having my arsehole bleached". First woman: "Wow. I can't imagine your husband as a blonde".
--
The presiding judge had just completed rendering the court's verdict and was about to pass sentence when he asked the defendant if he had anything to say. "No judge, there is nothing I care to say" answered the prisoner. "But if you'll clear away the tables and chairs in this here courtroom for me to beat the HELL outta that asshole lawyer of mine, you can give me a year or two extra".
--
What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common? They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
--
Late one night a woman was walking home when a man grabbed her and dragged her into the bushes. "Help me! Help me!" she screamed. "I'm being robbed!" "You ain't being robbed" her attacker interrupted "You're being screwed!" The woman looked down at her attacker as he unzipped his jeans. "If you're screwing me with that" she fumed "I am being robbed!"
--
"Look at ME!" boasted the fit old man to a group of young people. "Every morning I do fifty push-ups, fifty sit-ups, and walk two miles. I'm fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after women!" He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes glittering "And tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my 95th birthday!" "Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers "How?"
--
What's the difference between a refugee and ET? ET looked better, smelled better, learnt English, didn't claim benefits, had his own fucking bike and wanted to go home!
Just found the absolute worst page in the dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.
--
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock". The wife glanced down at his shoes and said "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
--
My next door neighbour was showing me her rape kit: pepper spray, a whistle, a torch, a disposable camera, pens, paper, her phone tracking device, and a billiard ball in a sock. Fuck me, mine's only a balaclava and a knife.
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us".
After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away" suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away.
The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea". They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.
The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognised him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.
The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again".
"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must have been!"
"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away..."
WATER PARK IS GUY SPEAK FOR SLIDES AND OUTSTANDING PERVING OPPORTUNITY
A tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint British pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a few pints of stout.
After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all those drinks. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know". "I'm very sorry, officer" replies the tourist "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom". "Ah, yes" said the policeman. "Just follow me".
He leads the tourist down a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.
"In there" points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like". The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"
"No sir" replied the police officer "that is what we call the French Embassy".
Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do" said the Doctor "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response".
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.
He says to himself "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens".
Then in a normal tone he asks "Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats "Peg, what's for dinner?" Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.
So now he walks right up behind her. "Peg, what's for dinner?"
"For fuck's sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"
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There was a man in who drove a train for a living. He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was a law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No!" said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now".
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor".
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week. One Sunday an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was.
While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said "Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?" "Why yes, that would be nice" the lady responded.
Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina. When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested: "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh, no" said the fine example of southern womanhood. "What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked "Would you like a smoke?" "Oh my goodness no" said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did!"
The man felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with "Ahhh umm how would you like to stop at this motel?" "Sure, that would be nice" she said in anticipation.
The gentleman couldn't believe his ears. He did a fast u-turn right then and there, drove back to the motel and checked in!
The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible lovemaking imaginable, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darlin' lying there in the bed and with remorse thought "What the hell have I done?" He shook her awake and pleaded "I've got to ask you one thing, whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?" The lady said: "The same thing I always tell them 'You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time!'"
I had to leave the house pick up a few things. I run my errand and I get back to my house to find 3 police cars and 6 or 7 cops in my home. The front door had been knocked off the hinges, stuff everywhere, and apparently they were looking for something.
So I'm stuck outside with this damn cop and they are inside searching through all my shit. They checked inside my closets under my mattress. They tore my things apart. So, as you can imagine, I'm getting upset, and I'm trying figure out what's going on.
I asked if they had a search warrant, and if I could see it. The cop in my bedroom yells "Where did you hide it at? We know it's here! We are searching".
Then I yell back "If I had an idea of what you're looking for sir, maybe I could help!" He shouts at me the "You wanna go to jail?" thing so I shut up and watch.
Finally, one of the other police officers look down at his phone and he shouts "Guys Stop! Hold on. We're in the wrong house! The Pokémon is next door!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said "Do you know who I am?" The man replied "Yep, sure do".
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure aint". said the man.
"Don't you realise I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute" returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep" was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope" said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied "Been married to your sister for 48 years".
33 CHICKS WITH DARKER NIPPLES THAN YOU WERE EXPECTING THEM TO HAVE
A preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wanted him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says "If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!"
More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile "If the Preacher stays... I will give him sex!"
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"Sadie's 90-year-old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said 'Fuck him!'"
DULCIE... PROBABLY NOT HER REAL NAME BUT NO ONE CARES - JUST WANT TO SEE HER GET dtf!
Its 2am and the traveling salesman calls the front desk at his motel and asks for some female company but with certain physical characteristics.
"She's got to be taller than 6 foot and weigh no more than 100 lbs" he tells the desk clerk.
30 minutes later, there's a knock on his door and he opens it to see a tall, lithe young lady. "I'm here for your pleasure, sir" she says. "What do you weigh and how tall are you?" She replies "6'2 and 97 lbs". "Perfect" he says. "Now take off all your clothes and get down on all fours on the floor".
As she does this, he walks to the bathroom door, opens it and ushers in a big St. Bernard dog. The dog looks at the girl and the girl looks at the dog and the salesman says "Now Fritz, do you see what you're going to look like if you don't finish your dinner?"
Well...
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Only a cunt would not.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Should I tell you again?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will bodyslam your scrawny self. Unlikely you'll survive too. Why? Well Ray is so fat that he lost the 'Lardass' role in Stand By Me because he refused to barf up all the pies.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and . Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2017.08.10-18.24
Welcome to I thought you looked at me funny then I realised you are just ugly.
It's impossible to pinpoint where it all went wrong... and that's OBVIOUSLY because it didn't. There was a distinct lack of interruptions and distractions. No meetings or appointments to keep. The phone has barely rung. Basically this has been a perfect work week. But somehow I've just not been able to get my shit done. I get waaaay more done under pressure and when there is none... well that's bad for productivity. So it seems for all the times I've rued and cursed the jerks who selfishly soak up my time, turns out I needed them all along. *omg plot twist*.
ALL that said, what you guys actually miss out on today is nothing more than this stupid bit up the top that you're reading RIGHT NOW were I needlessly ramble on about stuff and that probably no one reads. So... let's do a couple of jokes then get involved, massively involved, because this update is sicker than gay marriage [JOKING! Settle down you disgusting homos! JOKING again!]. What you dudes are about to embark on is 70+ new vids, all of which NEED to be watched, a whole bunch of new galleries, new Random Shite, jokes and plenty more. All you must do now is... check it...
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman". "Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?" "When it was over" Mike replied "She came to me on her hands and knees". "Really" said Charles "Now that's a switch! What did she say?" "She said 'Come out from under the bed, you little bitch!'".
--
A man went on a ski trip and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. He called his insurance company from the hospital but they refused to cover his injury. "Why is the injury not covered?" he asked. "You got hit in the head by a chair lift" the insurance rep said. "That makes you an idiot and we consider that a pre-existing condition".
--
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey. But I've turned myself around and that's what it's all about.
--
A woman was asked "When you are a ripe old age, and had to pick one, which would you choose:
Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?" This wise lady answered "Definitely Parkinson's - better to spill half my wine than to forget where the bottle is".
--
I went into McDonald's to get a coke, and I saw a fat girl making fun of this mentally disabled kid.
"You know, that could happen to any of us" I protested. "You don't belong making fun of someone like that. What is wrong with you?" "God have me a mouth to speak and I'm going to use it" came her reply. "Well, God gave you a mouth to eat, too, but you abused that privilege". This shut her up.
"Oh, and you might want to wipe that ketchup off of your chin" I added. As she went to wipe her chin, I said "No, your other chin".
--
'Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms' should be the name of a convenience store chain, not a government agency.
--
An indigent client who had been injured in an accident went looking for a lawyer to represent him without cost. One lawyer told him that he would take the case on contingency. When the client asked what 'contingency' was, the lawyer replied "If I don't win your lawsuit, I don't get anything. If I do win your lawsuit, you don't get anything".
--
Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!" Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead beetle for the last four decades.
--
I said to the wife "I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut'"
--
Annie, 6 years old, gets home from school. She had her first family planning lesson at school. Her mother, very interested, asks "How did it go?" "I died of shame!" she answers. "Sissy from over the road, says that the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital". Her mother answers laughingly "But that's no reason to be ashamed?" "No, but I can't tell them that we were so poor that daddy and you had to make me yourselves".
The first time I asked a woman to have sex with me my hands were sweating and shaking uncontrollably... I'd never pointed a gun at anyone before.
--
The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal. Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said "Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful - so invigorating and inspiring and refreshing". The minister of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the man say "Why I felt like a new man when I woke up!"
--
"Have you not got a girlfriend?" "No dad". "Do you think you will ever get a girlfriend? "No dad, not at all". "Are you gay? "No dad, and will you please fuck off with your lesbian fantasies".
--
I don't like telling jokes about Muslims. A lot of them have a very short fuse.
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he
asks the drunk "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts "Yes, I am".
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies "No, I haven't found Jesus!"
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks "Have you found Jesus, brother?" The drunk answers "No, I haven't found Jesus!"
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by".
"No" he said "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar" she responded.
"I mean" he continued "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents".
He said "Do you have a real grudge?" "No" she replied "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one".
"Please" he tried again "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes".
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes" she responded "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do".
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce" she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day!
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens". "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:
SLOW - SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster!"
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:
SLOW - CHILDREN AT PLAY
Well that really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him "Sure thing, put up your own sign".
He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day to complain.
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the better of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy". He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, 'I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers...'
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
NUDIST COLONY - GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS!
30 SECRETARIES WHO *DEFINITELY* DESERVE A PAY RISE
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In the year 2017 the Lord came to Noah, who was now living in Australia, and said "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. You need to build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans. You have 6 months to build the Ark before I start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his Yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!" he roared "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark? "Forgive me, Lord" begged Noah "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision!"
"Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they wouldn't listen".
"Then I had problems getting the wood. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save an endangered species, the spotted quoll. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the quolls but no go!"
"When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me for confining wild animals against their will. They said it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space".
"Then the local council ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood".
"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many foreign workers are supposed to work on my building crew".
"The Department of Immigration is checking the status of most of the people who want to work and I've even had an enquiry from some Senator asking about my ethnic background!"
"The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience".
"To make matters worse, Border Protection have seized my passport, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species".
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark".
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" "No" said the Lord. "The Government beat me to it".
Beach Babes Dressing & Undressing previously on Orsm: #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
While the taxman was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said: "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. I imagine there's a lot of wastage there. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question" noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll". "Oh" replied the taxman, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
However, he was now well mounted on his favourite hobby horse and ready to be critical. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes" replied the executive, who actually hadn't a clue, but rising to the challenge. "We save that too, and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster".
"My, my, an answer for everything!" responded the auditor, who also fancied himself a bit of a wit. "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"
"Here, too, we do not waste" answered the executive.
What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big French kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says "Who the hell was that?" "Oh" replies the husband "she's my mistress..."
"Well, that's the last straw" says the wife. "I've had enough. I want a divorce!" I can understand that" replies her husband "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours...!"
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's the hell is that woman with Jim?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress" says her husband. "Ours is prettier" she replies.
THE BEST THING ABOUT 45 GIRLS WITH NICE TITS? ITS ACTUALLY 90 TITS...
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone".
Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him "Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realise that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tyre. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook".
He continued "Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins, the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it... all of them hit the floor and broke.
Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer... and, honest mister, all I did was tell her!"
... AND THE NICE IS NEVER AS NICE WITHOUT THE BAD!
A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives to be civilised and kind to each other when he realises that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief "This is a tree". The chief looks at the tree and grunts "Tree".
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says "This is a rock". Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts "Rock".
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds "Man riding a bike".
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilised and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
Two Irishman are at the job centre looking for work.
"So what are you trained in?" Asks the job centre rep "Well I make custom women's knickers on a sewing machine and Paddy here is a diesel fitter" replies Murphy
"Okay" says the job centre rep "I can get work for you at $23 an hour and work for Paddy at $56 an hour".
"How come he earns over twice as much as me?!" asks Murphy. "Because a diesel fitter is a skilled job where as a sewing machine operator isn't" replies the rep.
"What the feck are you talking about?" replies Murphy. "It's me that does all the hard, skilled work making the knickers. He just sits there when I'm done, holds them up and says 'yep, diesel fitter'".
VERY HOT GIRL WITH A COLOSSAL DOUCHEBAG - ARGH IT KILLS ME! LOOK AT THIS F-ING GUY!
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Every damn Orsm update for 17 years!
-Next update will be next Thursday. Need I tell you again?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will inflict his full weight on you, crushing you figurativeklt and literally. You may think I'm just trying to scare you but Ray is Fat. Really fat. Matter of fact Ray is so fat that his boss changed him to part time because lunch breaks take so long.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and get off my lawn Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2017.08.03-18.19
Welcome to day old dick.
Cannot for the life of me remember where I saw it. An interview or it was referenced somewhere or maybe even the audio commentary track on the Titanic DVD... not that I own it or generally have a spare 195 minutes to hear people talking about how they made a film two decades ago. Perhaps I'm misremembering and it's a different film entirely but, as it is in my brain, James Cameron was saying how they were trying to reduce the gargantuan runtime. He didn't want to cut any more scenes or mess with the story so one technique was to just remove 2 frames from the end of every single shot. The result chopped 10 minutes or something crazy.
Last weekend we went to see the new War for the Planet of the Apes movie. Runtime 140 minutes. Every one of them absolutely fucking painful to watch! I'm not that guy who hates stuff everyone likes just to sound smart but seriously struggled with the shittiness. Thankfully not the same level of shittiness as the Furious film which came out just after Paul Walker died. Nothing will ever be that shitty. Anyway... it really should not have been the case for so many reason. So what killed it? Countless fucking shots of the stupid monkeys expressing their emotions with stupid close-ups of their stupid faces. WE GET IT: CGI is amazing now. Every opportunity was seized to slowly zoom in or hold and admire the glorious way their hair moves or faces emote. Bitch, please.
It was barely halfway through the movie when I began wriggling in my seat and praying for a quick end. But nope that thing just kept on going. Then I started to wonder what if the filmmakers pulled a James Cameron and shortened the [what felt like] thousands of loooong close-ups to a quick shot of the primates face instead. We'd still be able to pick up the emotion and it'd get that pesky runtime down dramatically. Sure there's only be 15-20 minutes total runtime but it might suddenly be a watchable film too!
Alright now that the film review portion of your favourite adult website is done with I'ma slip into a bunch of jokes and then easily into the update. There is much-much-much to see and do this week so suck shit if you had something else to do or supposed to be somewhere - that aint happening now! Check it...
After being married for thirty years a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her slowly... then said "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K". She asked "What does that mean?" He said "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot". She smiled happily and said.".. Oh, that's so lovely... what about I, J, K?" He said "I'm Just Kidding!" His eye is still swollen... but it will hopefully get better!!"
--
A man goes to see the doctor because he has a sore throat. The nurse tells him to take all his clothes off and sit on the bench in the hall. The man tries to protest, but the nurse doesn't listen, repeats the same orders and leaves the area. The man complies with her orders and joins another naked man sitting on the bench. The man starts complaining to the man already sitting there, that he only has a sore throat and doesn't understand why he has to take all his clothes off. The man who was already sitting on the bench nude, looks at the other man and says "You think that's bad! I'm just here to pay my bill".
--
Phone rings, woman answers. The pervert, with heavy breathing says "Have you got a tight unshaven cunt?" Woman replies "Yes, he's watching telly - who shall I say is calling?"
--
Bill married one of a pair of identical twins. Less than a year later he was in court filing for a divorce.
"Tell the court why you want a divorce" the judge said. "Well, Your Honour" Dan started "every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are identical, sometimes I'd end up making love to her by mistake". "Surely there must be some difference between the two women" the judge said. "Exactly your Honour. That's why I want the divorce!"
--
The psychiatrist was interviewing a first-time patient. "You say you're here" he inquired "because your family is worried about your taste in socks?" "That's correct" muttered the patient. "I like wool socks". "But that's perfectly normal" replied the doctor. "Many people prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact, I myself like wool socks". "You DO?" exclaimed the man. "With oil and vinegar or just a squeeze of lemon?"
--
A guy and a girl are having sex when they both say "I'm really hungry and thirsty too. It was freakin' freezing in the house so they both have an argument over who should go get the food and drink.
After a while they decide to have a contest. Whoever can come up with the best poem would be the one to stay in bed. They both think for a while when the guy says "Okay, I got one. Two times two is four plus five is nine, I can pee in yours but you can't pee in mine". So she thinks for a minute and says "Okay two times two is four plus five is nine, I know the length of yours but you'll never know the depth of mine".
--
A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says "I can't believe anybody would fuck my wife after only five beers!"
--
A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to the doctor, who asks her to sit down. He gets out his light and says "Open wide". "I can't" replies the blonde "this chair has arms".
--
Did you know that: the Census Bureau said the birth rate in the United States reached an all-time low this past year? It's another side effect of Viagra. More women are running off with older men who have higher bank balances and lower sperm counts.
How is a punchline like a starving African child? If you spend too much time explaining why it's funny, it dies.
--
Gladys was the preacher's wife and accompanied her husband each Sunday to church. One particular Sunday when the sermon seemed to go on forever, many in the congregation fell asleep. After the service, to be sociable, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman. In an attempt to revive him from his stupor, she extended her hand in greeting, and said "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn". To which the gentleman replied "You're not the only one!"
--
When will people learn that race is just an illusion? As people we are one, the only division on this earth is that there are good people and there are bad people. It's just unfortunate that most of the bad people are black.
--
This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies "I have an appointment at the gynaecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before". So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep. A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
A bartender is sitting behind his bar when a well-dressed but obviously intoxicated man stumbles in.
"Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man yells as he approaches.
Bartender pours all the drinks, the whole bar cheers, they all drink.
The bartender hands the bill to the man, and he just shrugs and says, "Oh I didn't bring my wallet with me tonight, sorry." The bartender proceeds to beat the living daylights out of the man and chucks him out.
The next night, bartender is again behind his bar when the same well-dressed but intoxicated man stumbles in.
"Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" the man happily announces as he approaches.
The bartender thinks 'This guy can't be that stupid, he probably came to pay. Now I feel bad for beating him so hard previous night'.
He pours all the drinks, the whole bar cheers, they all drink.
Bartender hands the bill to the man, and he again shrugs and says, "Oh I didn't bring my wallet with me again, sorry." The bartender proceeds to beat the man even harder and kicks him out.
Third night in a row, bartender just can't believe his eyes when he sees the man walk in.
"Bartender! A drink for everyone, and a drink for me!" the man calls out as he approaches.
Bartender is fuming and grins "What, no drink for ME tonight?" The drunk looks at him and says: "Nah man, you get too violent when you drink!"
SHORT SHORTS MAY WELL BE THE GREATEST FASHION ACCESSORY GOING - AGREE?
It was the first night for a newlywed couple. The bride was still a virgin because she is afraid of dicks, especially large ones and she's heard all about black men and how well hung they are.
To make his white bride feel at ease, the groom said to the her "Okay I am going to go outside and slowly show you my dick through the door. Stay calm, there is nothing to be afraid of".
So he walked out, leaving the door slightly ajar and then stuck a little bit of his dick through the gap and asked "Does that scare you?" She chuckled a little and said "Nope!"
He then pushed a little more through the gap and again he asked "Does that scare you?" "Nope" she replied.
He pushed some more through the gap and asked "Does that scare you?" "Nope!" she said laughing.
He then said "Alright, you seem to be okay with it. I am coming up the stairs now!"
A manager at Walmart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
The first man replied "A thought. It just pops into your head. There's no warning". "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And, now you sir?" he asked the second man.
"Hmm, let me see, a blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of". "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed".
He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house, and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture, the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of". The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.
Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Old Bubba replied "After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhoea". "What!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh sure" said Bubba. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I had already shat my pants".
Bubba got the job and is now a greeter at a Walmart.
WHAT'S UNDER THE TOWEL...? [NOTHING BAD I PROMISE!]
WHAT'S UNDER THE TOWEL previously on Orsm: #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
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I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years and I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw. Last week, you came home and you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new nightie. You ate in 2 minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore. Whatever the case, I'm gone.
Regards, Your EX-Wife.
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER and I are moving to England together! Have a great life!
The next day the wife received a reply:
My Dear Ex-wife,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and bitching. Too bad that doesn't work anymore.
I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!' Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.............
And when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten prawns for 7 years.
About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $299.99 price tag was still on it, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $300 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I won the $20 million Lotto, on Saturday, I left my job and bought 2 tickets for us to Paris, but when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.
My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me.
So take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
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An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor. "Not a chance" she replied. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem" said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra". "What on Earth is Irish Viagra?" she asked. "It's Viagra dissolved in his morning cup of coffee. He won't even taste it. Let me know how it goes" he said.
She called the doctor the very next afternoon. "How did it go?" he asked. "Oh faith, bejaysus and begorrah, doctor, it was terrible. Just horrid, I tell ya! I'm beside meself!" "Oh, no! What in the world happened?"
"Well, I did the deed, Doctor, just as you advised. I put the Viagra in his morning coffee, and he drank it. Well, you know, it took effect almost immediately, and he jumped straight up out of his chair with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and his pants a-bulging. Then, with one fierce swoop of his arm, he sent the cups, saucers, and everything else that was on the table flying across the room, ripped me clothes to tatters and passionately took me then and there, right on top of the table. T'was a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Wasn't the sex good?" "Freakin jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in me last 25 years, but sure as I'm sittin' here, doctor, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?" "It's John, and I'm okay, thanks" I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
"John" she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later".
"That's mighty nice of you" I answered "but I don't think my wife would like it".
"Oh, come on now" Elizabeth insisted. She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive... I was weak.
"Well okay" I finally agreed but thought to myself "but my wife won't like it".
After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now". "Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue!
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it".
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole". He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th". Once again he thanked her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help". He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold. She replied "If I told you, you would only laugh". "No, I wouldn't" he said. She said "I sell tampons".
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard. She said "See, I knew you would laugh". "That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"
Judy, Bernice and Bernice's young son were having lunch at the food court in the mall one day. "So how did you and your husband meet?" Judy asked.
"I was on a trip to Egypt" Bernice explained "and that's where we met. We instantly fell in love and spent the rest of the trip together. Coincidentally, we were both booked on the same flight back. It was destiny! We were married only a few months later!"
Bernice then lowered her voice to a whisper. "I was a pregnant bride!" she confessed. "Really?" Judy asked. "Yes" Bernice whispered. "During one of the tours, he took me by the hand and led me to a dark corner of the pyramid we were in where no one could see us!"
"And then what?" Judy asked. Bernice answered "He made me a mummy!"
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Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't believe anything anyone says. Ever. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
