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| orsmupdate 2013.08.29-18.42 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. That's Aussies for you.
Nothing quite like a week off... except maybe two weeks or more but let's not get greedy. What I did get however was a staycation... aka a retarded word meant to indicate I holidayed at home. Had been planning this for a couple of months to coincide with besties being in town and staying with us. Not sure what I was expecting beyond that but four of the last six nights have been varying degrees of drunk. That shit never happens. They don't fly out until tonight which I should probably be kind of sad about but the opposite is the case. Turns out having fun, staying up to 5am, eating out, socialising and generally enjoying life takes its toll. Anyway with all that in mind you guys will understand why I cheat a little bit today and replace this bit were I ramble and drivel with a bunch of short jokes. Almost as if it never happened, everything will be back to normal next Thursday. Oh by the way - I know some of you have been having issues with Orsm videos. Have been trying to troubleshoot the cause and think we finally have it sorted. If you have any problems can you please let me know here. Alright let's move on. Check it...
A single gene that is dramatically different in chimpanzees and humans may explain why apes cannot talk. Oh well, at least they can still communicate through rap music.
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Well the newly born Prince has already completed 3 of my life's ambitions: 1. become a millionaire; 2. meet a member of the royal family; 3. suck on Kate Middleton's wobblies.
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A middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones. The Wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her Husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend. She texted: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you". The Husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise".
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Three whores decide to see who has the biggest snatch. They get naked, and start fingering themselves and each other. After a few minutes, the first one squats on a glass top table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves. The second one then squats on the table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves, which is even bigger. The third one squats on the table, but when she stands back up, the first whore says "You didn't leave an outline". She says "Smell the rim".
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At a pharmacy, Judi asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing Judi and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first. "It won't work" Judi countered. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt".
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A Sergeant from a Scottish Highland regiment is on leave and goes into a chemist. He presents a worn and tattered leather condom that has seen better days, had several repairs in the past and proudly places it on the counter. The Chemist looks and says to him "Its $3 to have it repaired or $6 for a new one". The Scotsman pauses for a moment and in a thick accent says "I'll be back in a wee minute". After about 5 minutes the Sergeant marches back up to the counter and proudly announces "The regiment has all pitched in and decided it's time we got a new one!"
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During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble". The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor. "No! No! Don't remove your clothes... just stick out your tongue!"
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Retrozoid - So F-ing Awes! - Tech Respect - Fight Redux - Heisenberg - Baby Cop - Bikini Fail - Dat Miley - Monster Cock
Electro-Vaj - How I Roll - Fuck U Guys - Lapdance? - Hawtness - Rear Ender - Wow Gianna - Crip Porn - Direct Hit
Whor-rific - Ouchies - Rihanna Nips - Headbutt - The Double - Good Girrrl - Gusher - Kate Upton - In Deep - Stalker!
A guy is walking along Bondi Beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.
The guy thinks for a moment and says "I want to live forever". "Sorry" said the genie "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life". "Okay, then, I want to die after Labor balances the budget and eliminates the debt". "You crafty little bastard" said the genie.
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Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the 'Antiques Roadshow'. "Ooh!" said the presenter "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?" "Sticks...?" Paddy replied.
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As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him "Vernon, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way down the freeway. Please be careful!" "Hell" said Vernon "It's not just one car... it's hundreds of them!"
ORSM VIDEO
Little Johnny is excited because the circus has come to town and his mum has got front row tickets for him. Finally the evening comes and Little Johnny and his mum go off to the big top. Little Johnny sits there and enjoys the lions and the tigers and the jugglers and the trapeze artists. Finally out comes little Johnny's favourites - the clowns.
Johnny is loving the clowns and their humorous japes until one of the clowns comes up to him and says "Little boy are you the front end of an ass?" "No" replies little Johnny. "Are you the rear end of an ass?" "No" replies little Johnny again. "In that case," says the clown "you must be no end of an ass".
Little Johnny is distraught and he runs out of the circus and all the way home in tears. When his mum catches up with him she says "Little Johnny don't worry. Your Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, is coming to stay tomorrow. We will take him to the circus and he will sort that nasty clown out". At this news little Johnny cheers up and looks forward to the next night.
The next night comes and, sure enough, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee arrives and the three of them set off for the circus. When they get there Little Johnny, his mum and Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, sit down and enjoy the lions, the tigers, the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and then out come the clowns.
Again Little Johnny is enjoying their antics and yet again one of the clowns comes up to him and says "Little boy are you the front end of an ass?" Quick as a flash, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee jumps up and shouts at the very top of his voice: "Fuck off you cunt!"
HIPSTER CHIX |
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Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since high school. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.
Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, in grey Chanel. After the required ritualised kisses, she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq. ft. co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.
Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.
Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Kansas and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.
Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
ORSM VIDEO
RULES FOR LAZY PEOPLE
-Why make your bed when you are going to sleep again?
-If you spill water on the floor, leave her. The water will dry out either way.
-Don't recharge your mobile phone until it says "Low battery".
-If its not on the first page of Google results, give up, it doesn't exist.
-If you're late, don't go.
-If you can't get it, you don't need it.
-Don't clean. If you're waiting long enough, someone else will do that.
-Get excited about cancelled plans.
-Remain in bed while having to pee, hoping it'll go away.
-Say "never mind" because you don't feel like repeating yourself.
-Use your feet to pick up things because you're too lazy to reach for it.
-If you drop an ice cube, just kick it under the fridge.
-Why take the stairs when there is an escalator?
-TV remote too far away? Continue watching the same channel.
-Asleep in bed and has the urge to pee. Decides to continue sleeping.
-Visit your parents because you can't be bothered cooking.
-Visit your mum when you can't be bothered doing laundry.
-If you come over and my house is clean, for the love of God, do NOT open a closet.
-"jhkvjghv" is easier than thinking up a name for that document you're working on.
-Re-wearing the same clothes all week means less laundry.
-Use "I ran into some problems" instead "I can't be bothered yet".
-Just click "like" instead of taking the time to comment on Facebook.
-If someone calls your name, just say "huh?"... and wait till they call it again. If they don't, continue what you were doing.
HAND BRAS - BETTER THAN THE REAL THING |
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Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do" said the doctor "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet and so on until you get a response".
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner and he was in the den. He says to himself "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens". Then in a normal tone he asks "Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats "Peg, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Peg, what's for dinner?"
"For fuck's sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"
UPSKIRT MAGIC |
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ORSM VIDEO
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.
In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Football, Golf, Football, Sailing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed, Desperate.
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the I Thought You Loved Me app and run the Tears function. You may like to try the Guilt function also.
If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers, but remember - overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.
In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
Good Luck, Tech Support.
DIANA DOLL |
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A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV" she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes" he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV". "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes" he replied. "Darn, he recognised me" she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new colour, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV". "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes" he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because" he replied. "That's a microwave".
Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!
ORSM VIDEO: ROAD CARNAGE EDITION
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responded "Yes, that is still one of our laws".
The priest then asked "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich". The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith"
The rabbi then asked him "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith".
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT THIS IS... |
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Two out of work Aboriginal's decided that they would be better off in a more downtown location so they hitched a ride.
The driver dropped them off in the city's red-light district. A hooker approached one of the Aboriginal's and said "Hey guy, would you like a hand job?" The Aboriginal shook his head and said "Errr, no it's okay!"
A few minutes later another hooker approached the Aboriginal and said "Hey guy, would you like a blow job?" The Aboriginal again shook his head and said "Errr, no it's okay!"
After the hooker left, one of the Aboriginal's turned to his mate and said "We'd better go back where we came from. We've only been here 10 minutes and we've been offered two jobs already!"
RANDOM SHITE
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While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the missing testicle with a pickled onion.
Several weeks later, the patient returned for a check-up. "How's your sex life?" asked the doctor. "Pretty good" the man said, to the doctor's obvious relief.
But then the patient added "I've had some strange side effects that are causing serious problems". "What's that?" the doctor asked anxiously. "Well, every time I urinate, my eyes water". "Hmm" said the doctor, thoughtfully.
"That's not all" continued the patient. "When my wife gives me a blowjob, she gets heartburn". "Hmm" said the doctor, as his face reddened. "It gets worse, Doc. Now, every time I pass a hamburger stand, I get a hard-on!"
SKIN COLOURED NIPPLES |
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A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?" "Morris Feinberg" he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" "For about 60 years". "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims".
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop".
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man".
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests".
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" "Like I'm talking to a fuckin' brick wall".
ORSM
VIDEO
Alright done. I'm outta here but because I know you want more you should definitely read the following...
-Check out the site archives. Awesomer than boobs.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Got that?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will rub his rash on your face whilst you're sleeping. Yes this does mean you will have to touch his genitals.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and try not to annoy me. It's annoying. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2013.08.22-19.00 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Be honest... do you waffle?
Sad to see what's going on Syria. Rarely give a crap about who's warring with who or why but photos of the chemical attack which killed children left a sick feeling in my stomach. You get that adults are going to die during conflict but anything that puts in harm's way or worse, actually targets kids, comes courtesy of some very fucked up cunts. Even more disturbing is that such an attack could be perpetrated by a government on its own people. Someone needs to step in and put an end to that insanity - I know its such a simplistic view but a couple of well-timed drone attacks on bad guy HQ should have the whole thing over quickly and life can return to some form of normal.
Moving on. Hot on the heels of last week's excitement to [finally] see some activity on our house build, this week started even more gloriously with the concrete slab [finally] going down. Made it to site before 7am on Monday thinking we'd be the first ones there but it was already a hive of activity with a bunch of guys setting up and waiting for concrete trucks to arrive. Also wanted to make sure I got to put some of dogs tennis balls in the slab too. After she died I scoured the garden for old chewed-up balls and collected a whole bucket full. Still haven't been able to bring myself to scatter her ashes yet so thought keeping some things of hers close to where we'll live [hopefully for a long time] would be a good way to honour her memory.
One thing I'd forgotten about tradesmen, one thing I've used to be guilty of when I was one, is how insanely unhealthy some of them can be. Watching a guy start the day with an oversized can of Red Bull whilst eating a meat pie and smoking a cigarette hurt my brain. Funny thing is he'll probably live to 100.
We went back past later in the day to have a celebratory drink with a few friends and fam and of course scrawl something on my brothers side. Now its waiting game again - at least a several weeks before anyone can start laying bricks. Going to feel like an eternity but if ones things for certain it's that I'm used to waiting...
Orright let's quickly run through all the other crap that's been going on. I
'll preface that by say it isn't much so now might be a good time to engage your mouse wheel and scroll down a teeny bit to where there's a bunch of outgoing links and enlighten yourself with some websites all probably better than mine. On the other hand if you like waffle just keep reading...
Saturday was just bizarre. Woke up early. Stayed in bed. Started annoying the GF until she woke up. Okay wait that wasn't bizarre. That's how I start -every- day. Bizarre came midmorning - made some motherfucking eggs and sat on the couch only to realise there was not a single thing that needed my attention. Like at all. No pressing work stuff. No computers to fix. No one I had to go see. Seriously hasn't happened in years. Perplexed I idled listlessly around the house before finally the phone rang. Male parent on the other end complaining of the same predicament so took off to catch up for a coffee. Headed north next to meet mother, sister and her appendages for more coffee and that was it. Rest of the afternoon just hung out, did nothing and relaxed. Is this how normal people live their lives?
There are two things I really hate and both of them are rugby... which was annoying because a mates birthday drinks were at a pub packed full of screaming fans watching the Aus/NZ game. I'll never admit it publically but it wasn't the worst thing I've ever had to sit through [close to it though]. Thankfully arrived late enough to suffer only about half the match and that was it. Managed to get myself mildly drunk in that time too so the idea to punish some delicious Italian oily food afterward was one of the best I'd ever heard and the catalyst for a deep sleep not long after.
Another slow start began Sunday. Only plan for the day was to meet a friend for dim sum. Despite confirming time and venue 3 times the day before he, was a no show. The least surprised I've ever been by the most unreliable person I've ever known, we enjoyed a quick meal and retreated home. Spent the next few hours cleaning the house from top to bottom. Impressive how much mess two people can create but once that was done it was back to doing sweet fuck all in the form of a Star Trek Voyager marathon. Perfect Sunday was perfect.
Okay enough. Time to roll on with a brilliant update. Check it...
Last Stand - Hilarious POV - Chilling - Ditzy GF - Sheep Protest - Creepy Mofo - Lucy Pinder - I Incyst - Brazilian Bang
Fuuckk! - Huge Slut - Teen Sex - The Crunch - BJ Interrupted - Sick Cunt - Gorgeous - Nipply Pammy - Boink!
Entertainment - Taste Good? - Don't Film Me - J-Weird - Barbarian - Gym Tits - Mall Madness - Drug Fucked - J-Weird
Three best friends are talking about problems at work. The first friend says "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine". The second friend says "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine". The third friend says "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse!" Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed".
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A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down. He gets out his light and says "Open wide". "I can't" replies the blonde "this chair's got arms".
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Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the colour of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life" her mother explained, keeping it simple. The child thought for a moment and said "So why is the groom wearing black?"
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Riots and protests were rapidly getting out of hand in LA, Miami, Atlanta, and New York. Tear gas, water hoses, beanbags and rubber bullets, nothing was working. Finally desperate police had to fly helicopters over and dump boxes of job applications into the raging mobs. Crowds were dispersed in less than two minutes.
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One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read "... and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said "I think he said 'Holy Shit! A talking pig!'"
ORSM VIDEO
THE BEST AND WORST SPEEDING EXCUSES
-I told a State Trooper I was speeding because I had to use the bathroom. He told me where the closet restroom was located, followed me and wrote my ticket in the parking lot as I ran inside to use the bathroom".
-"I am on my way to give someone their last rites". Later the driver complained that I made him late and the guy died without them, however after the ticket he went directly into the nearby McDonalds.
-A cop caught a woman speeding who pulled into a convenience store and bought drinks. When she returned out to her car, the cop saw she was pregnant. "I'm in labour and on my way to the hospital" the woman told him. He offered to escort her to the hospital but the woman admitted she just used her pregnancy as an excuse.
-Stopped a guy doing 30 over. He asked to get out of the car to speak with me. After patting him down he walked to the rear of my car. He then asked if I would hurry up and write his ticket, he really needed to get home. After this request I asked him the emergency. He said I might not understand. I said just tell me what's the problem. He point toward his car and the young woman in it. He said they had been dating several months and she was finally "giving it up" and he wanted to get home before she changed her mind.
-In another hospital excuse, an officer said the driver he stopped for speeding said he was taking his wife to the hospital. "She's bad sick" the driver told Thomas. Thomas glanced in at the wife who wore a smirk on her face. Thomas offered to escort the couple to the hospital. While en route, he watched the couple arguing. He followed them into the emergency room where they continued arguing. Just as she acted like she was going to check in, the wife stopped and said "I'm not doing this anymore. You need to take what's coming to you".
-The best was when I stopped a guy going 88mph in a 60. Asked him why he was going so fast. He replied "I was trying to go back in time" as he looked at me and grinned.
-My dad used to say he got held up and was very late picking up his daughter and he was worried about her waiting all alone. Worked about 90% of the time.
-A drunk guy told me he was pregnant then urinated all over himself claiming his water broke.
-My wife didn't care for long drives on the interstate when she travelled on business alone. So she would put a box of tampons (visible) in the backseat. Whenever she was stopped for speeding, she would act jumpy, exasperated and irate. When questioned as to why she was driving so fast she would point to the box of tampons in the backseat. No male officer ever ticketed her!
-I stopped a girl with all the Goth black stuff on herself and little figurines on her dash. I asked what is all this stuff. She said "I'm a Wicka". I said "A what?" She goes "You know, a witch". I said "Oh yeah". Then she asks "Are you giving me a ticket?" I said "Yes, I am". She said "I'll put a spell on you. I told her "Too late. My ex-wife beat you to it".
-As I was speeding, a state trooper pulled me over. When he told me how fast I was going I told him I had been talking to myself. He looked puzzled. I said I was mad at my husband and was practicing what I was going to say to him. I guess the madder I got the faster I got. He closed his ticket book and said "I'll let you finish your conversation, just keep it under the speed limit". Works every time.
-DRIVER: My buddy, who is police officer, is gonna kill me! OFFICER: Who is your buddy? DRIVER: David Pollino! OFFICER: Ohhhh, you know Dave Pollino? Well in that case, you should thank him when you see him! DRIVER: You bet Officer, I will do exactly that! I stand there in awkward silence until the driver chimes in and says can I help you? OFFICER: Just waiting for my thanks. DRIVER: I don't understand! OFFICER: Can you read, ma'am? Can you read my name tag out loud? DRIVER: Officer! Sgt. David Pollino! OFFICER: Ma'am, since we are such good friends and all, and you were going to thank me, I was just waiting for my thanks.
-An officer asked my grandma why she was in a hurry and she said she had ice cream in the back and didn't want it to melt. He let her go.
-"Oh I thought the sign I-95 meant the speed limit... glad you didn't catch me over on SR-210 earlier".
-"I wasn't speeding, I just got a haircut and it makes me look fast".
-One driver blamed bigger tires for his increased speed. The judge understood because he knew changing out the size of a tire can throw off the speedometer.
-It snowed 6 inches and I radar a car driving 54 in a 30. Stopped her and she very matter of fact told me "Duh, I know I was going fast, I was trying to get the snow off my windshield so I could see where I'm going!!"
-I was working the highway on a Sunday afternoon and I pulled over a van with two occupants that was speeding. I asked what the emergency was and the driver responds that he was trying to get a fly out of the van and he figured that if he opened the windows and sped that it would work.
-I checked a 17-year-old kid on I-71 at 101mph. He was driving a gold Ford Explorer. When I told him I checked him at 101, he threw a fit and wanted to argue with me, saying he was only doing 85mph. Me, being the curious cop, asked him why he thought he was only going 85 and his response was "My speedometer only goes to 85 and I had my gas pushed all the way to the floor".
-I was trying to catch up to the guy in front of me so that I could read his license plate because he threw a beer bottle at my car".
-One of my cop friends told me a story: he pulled over a couple for speeding, asked why the driver (male) was speeding. The male said his wife (the passenger) was pregnant and they were going to the hospital. The officer said that was fine (even though he knew the truth) and followed them to the hospital to make sure everything went alright. When they got to the hospital, he escorted them in and made sure they got a room right away. Finally the male admitted to lying. The officer didn't write him up, figured the hospital bill would be enough.
-"My car has a recall on it for unexplained acceleration and I'm on my way to get it fixed!"
A GIRLS best friend |
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Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea, two prawns were swimming around. One called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten".
Suddenly a large mysterious cod appeared and said "Your wish is granted". Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin began to realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark" came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again".
Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner!" Justin cried back "No, I'm not! That was the old me! I've changed!"
"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian!"
ORSM VIDEO
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball" the golfer says. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?" "Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything,
I'm just glad you're okay and I apologise".
And the golfer walks off.
"What a nice guy" the Leprechaun says to himself. "I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life".
A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
"T'was me that made ye hit the ball here" the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?" "My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "I'm an internationally famous golfer now".
He adds "By the way, it's good to see you're all right". "Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?" "Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states". When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?" The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly "It's okay". "C'mon, c'mon now" urged the Leprechaun "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers "Once, sometimes twice a week". "What?" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only ONCE OR TWICE a week?" "Well" says the golfer "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish".
PASTIES |
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My friend is a rather old-fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation.
She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation she finally came up with the old-fashioned term "bathroom commode". But when she wrote that down, she still felt that she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter, and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the B.C. "Does the campground have its own B.C.?" is what she finally wrote.
Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all, and when he got the letter he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That B.C. business really stumped him. After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several campers, but no one could imagine what the lady meant, either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:
Dear Madam, I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to learn that a great number of our people take their lunches along and make a day of it.
They usually arrive early and stay late. If you don't start early, you probably will not make it in time. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now, there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C.
I would like to say it pains me very much not being able to go more often, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.
Remember, this is a friendly community!!
GIRLS WHO LIKE TO FUCK |
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READER MAIL
There's not much that can be said about this weeks Reader Mail that this weeks Reader Mail can't say for itself - it's fantastic, witty, it will make you laugh and cry, it'll shock and excite you but most of all it will never turn its back on you...
If you would like to contribute think you can beat the contributions below then we're always on the look out for ex or current girlfriend nudity, cool shit, uncool shit, retarded shit, funny 'haha' jokes, racist jibes, fucked up videos and random pics. Its all welcome! Simply click here and send it over my way!
Mark wrote:
Subject: Shooting
After reading about Chris Lane this morning, and not quite knowing why, I feel compelled to write. I have enjoyed your site off and on for years and it has become a, perhaps odd, connection to Australia aside from mass media. Although I am nobody but a middle aged citizen of the U.S. (and without taking sides on any issue), just want to say I can't fathom any rationale for people who aren't up to the moral responsibility, obtain guns and kill people. It is a sorry state of affairs that someone is killed because of "boredom." Stay out there as a distraction from (perhaps satirical reporter of? ) the madness that is the real world. |
Ev wrote:
Subject: Chris Lane...
What a mess. Sorry that an Aussie got caught up in America's seemingly ongoing lack of respect for Human life. In the 1920's a pair of Univ. of Chicago students did the same thing, just kill to see what it was like, they were bored too. Same thing happened here again in the Chicago area where some teens just killed someone this summer 2013 and continued to play their video game. Just for fun. The most aggressive I got was a magnifying lens and an ant. and I felt sorry for the ant afterward and didn't do it again. That was when I was like 10 or something. What is it with youth? Obviously that gun was illegally obtained.
And that's what the story has been in Australia with the media using it as an oppurtunity to say "Look how shitty America is" with their stupid gun laws. The senseless death isn't about guns or boredom. Its about cold-blooded human waste. -Orsm |
Liem Le wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Asshole cripple can't park
Lambo owners are allowed to drive and park however they like whether or not it conforms to any rules or laws. [Same with Asians] -Orsm |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Parking Inspectors are people too.
Norfolk Street in Freo. Good luck to them getting it off, looked super glued on ha ha.
The most hated people cunts in any society. -Orsm |
Kel wrote:
Subject: UK Article: Tax Return
No comment necessary. This is from a British newspaper, but I'm sure most people world-wide would would understand the point this guy is making! |
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Bill wrote:
Subject: Emailing
what's new is old...with different reactions of course.
And so it goes.... |
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Dylan wrote:
Subject: fine scotch ayy
that fancy johnie walker scotch at $200,000 wastefull dollars was guarded by a dude packing a 9mm.
I like scotch as much as the next guy but no way anything is worth that much. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Jetski croc spotting tours
Photo taken in Cairns last week - stuff that! - Please hide the deets.
What could possibly go wrong? -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Canberra man lodges fork in penis
Hi Orsm. I thought that this 70 year old idiot needed further exposure on your brilliant site. What the hell was he thinking. ?. Hide my Details Thanks
Cannot make sense of this. Nor this story either. Both these stories leave me wondering WTF has to happen to someone where such bizarre sexual behaviour is okay? -Orsm |
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Fisheyebass wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Nesting Falcon |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: redneck ingenuity
ORSM when the sight glass to your pools pump system breaks, you could spend the money on the part, or drink another beer celebrating victory!!!! Redneck ingenuity at its best! please withhold my contact details. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Car Wreck Smiley Face
I had a friend upload some pics of her son's car wreck, and I couldn't but find something funny about it. (please withhold my info)
Hopefully he didn't die...? Wouldn't be very funny... -Orsm |
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Bill wrote:
Subject: Towel Head
Just one more example of "beach camoflage". If there is such a thing as a good towel head, this is it. This brings a new meaning to Towel HEAD. |
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Jeff wrote:
Subject: Just a few of the gems from my travels in Taiwan
Enjoy, please hide my email address.
Tame for China. -Orsm |
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Micky993 wrote:
Subject: Something for Random Shite
Hey Mr. Orsm- You know that I love your site and keep coming back for my Thursday updates! We also share a lot of the same political values. That being said we both love the ladies with the beautiful ta ta's! Being form the suburbs of NYC, I always have my camera ready whenever I go to the city. There are always ample photo op's from people on the street and in this case a advertisement that somehow got past the puritanical inspectors and was up for a few days before they had to remove it.
A 40 Foot lady with huge tits and a mile of unbelievable cleavage and she was selling HEAD! I mean the head on a beer- but who cares- I just wanted head from her and I thought you might like a little head as well! |
djo wrote:
Subject: just a pic !
now don't get too hot, it's just tea. keep it up mate ! ‹^› ‹(•_•)› ‹^› |
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Chris wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Duct tape is awesome
Is there anything it can't do!? -Orsm |
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Anthony wrote:
Subject: Tattooing sentences xxx
Tattooing sentences is a very personal thing. It's usually to have that message to help you, cheer you, give you strength, guide you... You or, in this case, the person who reads it.
I think tattooing your asshole might makes you a slut? -Orsm |
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Gene wrote:
Subject: 20 places that look unreal
Both Natural and man-made beauty. Hope you enjoy, Such beautiful pictures, get ready to be awed. |
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Fisheyebass wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Dubai Miracle Garden.. |
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Only in South Africa
BEST SA NAMES CATEGORY. THE NOMINEES ARE....
Umm. -Orsm |
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Kel wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Return of the Rudd, there's clever little vegemites out there? |
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xitz wrote:
Subject: AUSTRALIAN OF THE YEAR
We must all be really stupid to put up with this crap.
WHAT A MAD COUNTRY WE ARE...
Easier to let him off than risk offending the Muslim community. -Orsm |
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Gene wrote:
Subject: 20 places that look unreal
Both Natural and man-made beauty. Hope you enjoy, Such beautiful pictures, get ready to be awed. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pictures to share
Please don't give out my email address or anything like that. What you can do is show these pictures I sent you. This was some girl on met online and she turned out to be a needy girl. Hey at least I got to fuck her and get some pictures sent to me by phone. If I can find the rest I will share. |
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Alan wrote:
Subject: Brush your teeth bitch
Thought this is worthy
Everyone knew what was coming yet it was still a surprise. -Orsm |
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Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realised that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me."
He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!! My wife's dinner party!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment.
He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs.
The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: "Come on guys, we're almost there!"
ORSM VIDEO
A father and his three beautiful, blonde, daughters went into a hotel to stay for the night. When the daughters went to check in, they saw a really good looking bell boy. The father caught the three girls looking at him and he threatened to kill the bell boy if he did anything at all with them. So the bell boy minded his own business and ignored the girls.
While he was working ever so diligently, the eldest daughter goes up to him and says "If you don't do it with me in bed, I will pour red juice on the sheets of my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry".
Fearing for his life, he did it with her. Then he saw the beautiful middle daughter in the hallway and she too walked over to him and said "If you don't do it with me, I'll pour red juice on my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry".
Again fearing for his life, he agreed. Later that evening the youngest blonde daughter saw him. She walked up to him and said "If you don't have sex with me, I'll pour green juice all over the bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry".
"Green juice?" He asked. "Why Green?" She replied "Because my cherry isn't ripe yet, duh".
OLDEN CAR CARRIERS |
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A burglar broke into a house one night. He was shining his torch around, looking for valuables, when a voice in the dark said "Jesus knows you're here". He nearly jumped out of his skin. He quickly turned his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued with the robbery. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard "Jesus is watching you".
Freaked out, he shone his torch around frantically looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his torch beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep" the parrot confessed, then squawked "I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you".
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses" replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus".
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On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first love making encounter. In his highly aroused state her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a drunken state. He explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the 30 years she had charged him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
THAT'S WHEN SHE SHOT HIM! Sometimes men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.
I COULD GIGI ALL DAY LONG... |
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My wife hosted a dinner party for both sides of our entire family and everyone was encouraged to bring all their children as well.
During dinner, my four-year-old niece stared at me sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me.
I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me. I finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went quiet waiting for her response.
My little niece said "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish".
ORSM
VIDEO
And that's my cue. Time to go. Read on prepare for a dick kick...
-Check out the archivio sito.
-Next update will be next Thursday. I'm taking next week off but don't fret - there'll still be an update because you cunt's are orright eh!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray murder your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and remember there are no stupid question [only stupid people]. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2013.08.15-18.53 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net and that.
Disgusting is the only way to describe this part, my favourite part, of winter. It's wet and windy without being ridiculously cold. It's possible to wear t-shirts again. Quite the turnaround from only a few weeks back when 5 layers weren't enough. Not that it gets that bad here... the whiny little bitch within can't handle when the temp falls into the single digits [Celsius]. Before we know it though summer'll be here and beach days along with it. At least that's what I keep telling myself. I'm sure the next 4 months will just fly along...
I had my doubts it would ever happen but... construction has finally begun on our house. Rolled by Monday morning to find about 15 guys onsite. Electricians, plumbers, grano workers, an excavator, harmoniously digging trenches and laying pipes. Headed back a few hours later to watch the concrete footings pour. An exciting moment after spending so long talking about the fucking thing. The slabs go down next week so long as the rain doesn't have other ideas the bricklayers can apparently make a start. Again, exciting... but thus far nothing is quite how I imagined - the ground level is way higher which means the house will be taller. Same with width - far narrower than my little brain envisaged. Very concerned right now we're those people who weren't smart enough to realise they were building a monstrosity that they'll never be able to sell.
Remember last week I blogged about ditching my bank after continual shitty service? Well that escalated the next day. After speaking to a few mortgage brokers all agreed we should stay at that bank but not branch... but there's no way to do that without starting the whole mortgage application process from scratch. Fuck. There's a bunch of reasons why I didn't want to do that; all too boring to bother covering here except to say its taken considerable effort getting this far. Things became somewhat stressful around then. We have a build underway and no way to pay for it. For a while there it seemed like I fucked up and would have to go crawling back hat in hand. Then the branch manager called. I let it ring out. An email followed. Ignored it. Then it was the weekend. By the time Monday rolled around and I took his call... guess what - it was all done and approved. Have to hand it to the guy - went the extra mile to resolve everything. My "We won't deal with that other guy" was met with "I've taken over your file now". And that's it. Just have to sign some papers and our deal with the devil is official.
Okay onto weekendly activities. [If you want to skip down a bit to where the cool shit starts I won't mind. The next few paragraphs are boring drivel from some guy you don't know or care about waffling about his boring life]. Beginning with Saturday and yet another round of going store to store to store looking at shit I wish someone else could take care of but alas we need to have an answer for "What light fittings do you want?" when the question is asked. After a few fruitless hours we ended up at Ikea. A long, long time ago, in a galaxy not that far away, I was a cabinetmaker and as such have a love/hate relationship with Ikea in that I want to hate them but ultimately respect the brilliance of their products. Wandered aimlessly for a while, collected catalogues, got some good idea and devoured some delicious [horse?] meat balls before making it home early afternoon and settling in at the computer for the rest of the day working on this update and the next couple after it. Kind of a wasted opportunity to do absolutely anything that didn't involve a computer but as that's what's coming up in the next few weeks it was an unfortunate necessity.
Social splooge Sunday commenced with an overdue grandma visit. Try and see the old duck every couple of weeks but that usually blows out to 3 or 4. From there we headed into the city to meet friends and punish some dim sum. Meet time an hour later than we'd normally go because one of the invitees was with child, child has a sleeping routine etc. It's something those without kids get regularly from those with. What I don't remember is that ever happening when I was a young'un - if parents had to go out we were bundled in the car and taken along, sleeping or not. Too bad if you didn't like it... and that's probably why I ended up running a porn site...
Totally scored afterward. Some smooth talking along the lines of "Dude I think I left something in your car" got me a drive of a brand new F-Type Jaguar. Don't really rate Jag's... until now that is. Those things are a fucking weapon. If you can't afford one then suck up to a mate who can OR head down to a dealership and pretend you're looking to buy.
We zipped over to a café next to meet some different friends next. Hung out for a couple of hours catching up and watching the football. As we stood on the footpath saying goodbyes I said something about it being a nice day for a beer. Surprisingly everyone found the idea agreeable and pretty soon we were sitting at a pub having a drink. Magic. By the time we got there was a large amount of not unreasonable guilt floating around after having spent the entire day sitting, eating and drinking. Rectified this with a punishing walk/run along the coast. Just about the perfect way to round out the weekend.
Alright holes. Let's get on with the next update. Does it Rule? YES. Does it rock? YES. Shall I stop being lame and get on with it? YES. Check it...
Transmorpher - Great Advice - Gaga Nude - What A Guy - Silly Snake - Awesomeness - Respect The Tech - Mexi-pussy
Hooker Tales - Lake Bell Win - Stupid Cunt - Messed Up - First Timer - Unsatisfiable - Walmartian - Did U Douche?
Au Naturelle - That's Life - Drift Over - And Boom - On The Boob - Brave Cop - Tight'ole - Playmate - Awkward Porn
Little Johnny came home from school one day confused. His mother was Jewish and his father was black. So Johnny asks "Mummy am I more Jewish or more Black?" "What does it really matter? If you want to know for sure you'll just have to ask your father" his mother tells him. So, when his father arrived home from work, Little Johnny asks the same question "Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?" "What kind of question is that?" Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more Black?" asks dad. "Well, it's like this dad... Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50 and I don't know whether to talk him down to $25, or wait until it's dark and steal the thing".
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"Hi, I'm Jane" she said. "I'm Christopher" I replied "but everyone calls me Dick for short". "How do you get Dick from Christopher?" she asked. "You ask nicely" I said.
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A young man had just graduated from Harvard and was so excited just thinking about his future. He gets into a taxi and the driver says "How are you on this lovely day?" "I'm the Class of 2013, just graduated from Harvard and I just can't wait to go out there and see what the world has in store for me". The driver looks back to shake the young man's hand and says "Congratulations, I'm Mitch... Class of 2005".
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Mrs Jones went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge. He instructed her to get undressed and lie down on the examining table. She did so, the doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her 'private parts'. After a couple of minutes he asked "How does that feel?" "Wonderful" she replied "but the discharge is from my ear".
ORSM VIDEO
PARAPROSDOKIANS
Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected...
-I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
-A problem is really only a fact that someone is resisting.
-Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
-The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
-Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
-If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
-We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
-War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
-Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
-To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
-In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.
-Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
-I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
-To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
-Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
-You're never too old to learn something stupid.
-I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
-Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
-I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
-There's a bunch of different crunches that affect the abs … my favourite is Nestlé's.
-If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
-Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
-A woman's place is in charge.
-Well my days of not taking you seriously are coming to a middle.
-Build it and they will complain.
-The most important social element in modern computer game development is probably still beer.
-I'm interested in nothing, with the right story I can make almost anything from it.
-Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
-Happiness is the absence of striving for happiness.
-I try to watch what I eat and yet my eyes just aren't quick enough.
-She got her good looks from her father; he's a plastic surgeon.
-Some people are like Slinkies not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
-I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
-Children should be seen but not herded.
-Two wrongs don't make a right, three lefts do.
-Dogs have owners, cats have staff.
-Free and fair elections are the mainstay of modern democracy, the only downside is that after the votes are counted a politician wins.
-Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others, whenever they go.
-Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
-Buy two get one tree.
-Two guys walked into a bar, the third one ducked.
-A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
-Women's rights impress me as much as their lefts.
-Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
-Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool.
-A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
-The practice of mindfulness may show you what's so, further enlightenment will show you, so what.
-Humanity has achieved, abiding love, peace, progress, truth, beauty, glory, enlightenment and tolerance, on paper.
-The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
-They had lost the art of conversation but not, unfortunately, their powers of speech.
-If you're telekinetic raise my hand.
-I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.
-Pet spiders are cheaper to buy off the web.
-The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.
-A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
-Speed up your smartphone, throw it out a 10th story window.
-A broken pencil is pointless.
-We don't stop playing because we grow old we grow old because we stop playing.
-To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
-Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
-Newton stayed up all night puzzling the movement of the sun. Then it dawned on him.
-The car stopped on a dime, which unfortunately was in a pedestrian's pocket.
-You are what you eat. May contains nuts.
-I hate to say "I told you so" so I am going to shout it really loud.
-A bad banker quickly loses interest.
-The faults of the burglar are the qualities of the financier.
-Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
-It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt.
-Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
-Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-You cannot be a hero without being a coward.
-The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
-I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted pay checks.
-A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
-Strong emotions are stupid and should be hated.
-Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says in an emergency, notify, I put "A DOCTOR."
-A banker will always lend you an umbrella on a sunny day.
-Atheism is always not for prophet.
-Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
-The saying "Getting there is half the fun" became obsolete with the advent of budget airlines.
-A fool and his money are soon elected.
-The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of the train.
-If I am reading this graph correctly, I would be very surprised.
-Never leave till tomorrow what you can immediately forget.
-I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
-You're not yourself today it's nice.
-Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
-Your argument is sound, just sound, lots of sound.
-One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got in my pyjamas I'll never know.
-I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
-I sleep eight hours a day. And at least ten at night.
-I can see your point, but I still think you're full of BS.
-I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
-I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
-All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
-If the enemy is in range so are you.
-If you see a man running from a tiger run faster than he does, you can't outrun the tiger and you really don't have to.
-I had beautiful wives, every one beautiful, talented and now rich.
-I don't know why they told me I'm innumerate, it doesn't add up.
-I live in my own little world, they know me here.
-One thing you mustn't miss when you visit Adelaide is the plane.
-I don't do drugs anymore, I get the same effect just standing up these days.
-I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
-Of course men can multitask, we read in the bathroom.
-Growing old is tough not growing old is worse.
-Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
-To keep fit my grandmother walks five miles a day, she's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
-I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
-Laughter is the best medicine, if you don't have insurance.
-I miss my ex so often, I really need a laser sight.
-Clothes maketh the man, naked people have little or no influence at all.
-I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
-I can't thank you enough, you're never bloody happy are you?
-I used to be conceited, but now I'm perfect.
-To err is human, to really mess up though, that takes a computer.
-Experts know more and more about less and less till they know absolutely everything about nothing.
-Nothing is possible, I've been doing it for years.
-I always take life with a grain of salt… plus a slice of lemon... and a shot of tequila.
GIVE HER THE DICK |
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Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd was getting ready for work one morning when his wife looked at him and said "What is the matter with you? You look terrible". He replied that he felt great.
Then Kevin went to work where his secretary took one look at him and said "What is the matter with you? You look terrible". Kevin replied that there was nothing wrong with him and that he felt great.
Then he went to lunch with a Minister and the Minister looked at him and said "What is the matter with you Kevin? You look terrible". He again replied that he felt great. The Minister suggested he go to the doctor right away because he looked so bad.
Ruddy went to the doctor, and when the doctor walked into the examining room and saw him the doctor said "My God, you look terrible". Kevin explained that everyone was telling him that he looked terrible but that he felt great. The doctor said "Are you sure you feel great?" Kevin reiterated that he definitely felt great!
The doctor got out his medical book and looked up "looks terrible". After he found that he looked up the subsection "feels great".
The doctor said "I found it right here under 'looks terrible, feels great'. Kevin, at this point very nervous, inquired to the doctor "Tell me... what is it?" The doctor replied "According to my book... you're a cunt!"
ORSM VIDEO
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. So, she left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" The blonde said "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again".
The milkman asked "Do you want it pasteurised?" The blonde said "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes".
SKINNY GIRLS HAVE NOTHING TO GRAB ON TO? I'LL TRY AND GET OVER IT... |
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What deep thinkers men are...
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing. "Nothing" I said.
The reason I said that instead of saying "Just thinking" is because she would have said "About what?". At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion: a year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say "It might be nice to have another child". On the other hand, you never hear a guy say "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts".
I rest my case. Time for another beer.
BEER WENCHES |
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ORSM VIDEO
There was this little girl and her mother walking thru the zoo. And she looked at two monkeys and said "Mummy, what are the monkeys doing?" the mother does not know what to say and tells her "Oh, they are making cupcakes".
Further on in the park she sees two amorous teenagers under a tree and asks "Mummy, what are those kids doing?" Mum replies "Oh, they are making cupcakes".
They then went home and ate dinner and went to bed.
The next morning at the breakfast table the little girl asks "Mummy, was that you and dad making cupcakes on the couch last night?" Mum says "Yes, why?" and the little girl says "Well I licked the frosting off the couch".
TELL YOUR BOOBS TO STOP STARING AT MY EYES... |
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A woman goes to the doctor worried about her husband's temper.
The doctor asks "What's the problem? The woman says "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me".
The doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep!"
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. The woman says "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?" The doctor says "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".
ORSM VIDEO
Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!
So Superman is flying over Metropolis one day, and as he is flying, he sees Wonder Woman lying buck naked, spread eagle on a roof top.
Superman thinks to himself "Wow, I would like some of that, I'm the fastest guy around, I could swoop down, do my dirty deed, swoop back up and no one would know!" So Superman thinks it over and decides to do his dirty deed.
He swoops down, pounds it hard, and swoops back up, laughing to himself over his dirty little deed he just did...
Just then, Wonder Woman sits STRAIGHT up and says "What the Hell was that?!" Then the Invisible Man says "I don't know, but my butthole is killing me!"
CAPTURE THE MOMENT |
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A sixth grade child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. Here is what he wrote...
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says "The Lord thy God is one" but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said "Give me a light!" and someone did. Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbour's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humour thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mum is always saying to me "Close the door! Were you born in a barn?" It would be nice to say ''As a matter of fact mum, I was''.
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those other bad guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
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In Australia a seven-year-old Aboriginal boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents, and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his Aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.
When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Australian Cricket Team, whom the court firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
LANNY BARBIE |
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There's some cruel humour going around England at the moment. The butt? Aussie cricketers of course!
-What do you call an Aussie with a bottle of Champagne? A waiter.
-What do you call a world-class Australian cricketer? Retired.
-What do you call an Australian who can hold a catch? A fisherman.
-Why can no-one drink wine in Australia at the moment? They haven't got any openers.
-What is the difference between Cinderella and the Aussies? Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.
-What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson? They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.
-Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone on the Australian cricket team? The woman who irons their cricket whites.
-What's the height of optimism? An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.
-What do you call a cricket field full of Australians? A vacant lot.
-What's the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car? Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both.
-What's the difference between Michael Clarke and a funeral director? A funeral director doesn't keep losing the ashes.
-The Australian bobsleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting. They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!
ORSM
VIDEO
Stop the music! Stop the music! It's time for me to go but the fun doesnt have to end there. Read on...
-Check out the site archives. You can't imagine what you're missing. Seriously you can't. The average human brain can't process it.
-Next update will be at some point between Wednesday and Thursday but also neither of those days. Just some point between.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will tag you in posts by increasingly bizarre Facebook groups.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stop wasting my time with your shit. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2013.08.08-18.33 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. I've got a pet wussy. You that read wrong. You read that wrong too.
Having not a bad, generally unremarkable yet mostly productive week. Starting to realise that the health kick I've been on is perhaps more successful than first realised and doing something stupid like drinking Red Bull like I have every Thursday for years is a bad idea. Energy and strangely anxiety levels are through the roof. Now all I want to do is run but am worried someone will scream at me...
I've made reference to the Bank Wanker several times over the last few months. If you hadn't been paying attention - we're building a house and need money to do that. Obviously. This is where the bank comes in. 4-5 months ago I got chatting to my bank manager who was keen to help and quickly sat us down with their mortgage guy. First meet went okay. Didn't quite have the knack for putting us completely at ease... and it was all downhill from there. Jump forward to now and he's managed to fuck off the four of involved by being rude, lazy and inept. I've always thought if you want someone's business then you'll work for it, if not somebody else will. The last straw came last week - didn't bother replying to my email asking what was going on because he had nothing to report. Outraged, I took the weekend to calm down before politely letting them know we'd be going elsewhere. Seems like a fairly minor thing but shit adds up, you push someone too far and next thing you lose them as a customer. Shame too - I've banked at that branch for over a decade, know all the staff and this one guy trashed it all with a bad attitude and in the process cost his employer a bunch of money. Customer service - important as a motherfucker!
Moving on... really have absolutely no desire to crap on about anything political, politicians, policies or the forthcoming federal election. EXCEPT TO SAY - whatever you do, do not vote Green. They are, in my opinion, counterproductive, anti-common sense and the biggest waste of space in the history of anything, forever.
Alright let's cover some far more interesting territory. Maybe... me? Yeah me. That's about as interesting as it gets right? RIGHT?
Friday night which was long overdue. Last time I had a big one was over 4 months ago. Pathetic really and gleefully there was an occasion not to be missed. The bar my group of friends spent so many years frequenting, before they all ran off got married and had kids that is, was celebrating 20 years. Haven't been there for ages so walking in was a bit weird - used to know everyone, now no one. Got upstairs to find my mates and spent the next few hours getting quite drunk. The more I drank the patchier my memory got - I do remember borrowing a phone to text the GF to pick me up. Remember her agreeing. Don't remember any details about where and when. Sometime later I was standing near the bar chatting when a girl grabbed me from behind and began kissing me. Rather than lean in and go with it I pulled back. And that boys and girls is how you pass the GF's test and get breakfast in bed the next morning.
Speaking of which - I may as well have woken up dead because that's exactly how I felt. A shower, food and three year-olds birthday party contributed absolutely nothing toward making me feel better. This is the reason I won't attempt drunkenness for at least another 4 months. Camped at home for most of the afternoon before venturing out to acquire grocery items. Definitely a good time to walk around a supermarket - the worse you feel, the less you want to eat, the more unlikely you are to buy bad foods.
Woke up feeling back to normal on Sunday and celebrated this by staying in bed. Headed down to the coast midmorning for some exercise which as it turned out was the perfect time - weather as good as it gets for winter and hot girl concentration was at maximum. The next few hours were focussed in the kitchen doing the fortnightly soup cook up. A 10 litre batch covers every lunch day. After that I began the long and annoying process of formatting my computer and reinstalling Windows whilst vacuuming and cleaning the house. The place is a fucking pigsty. A very domesticated but unavoidable waste of a Sunday. Had friends over for dinner that night for a soup off - GF's versus mine. Hate to say it but think hers was better and not sure my ego will recover...
Okay time to get the update going. Plenty-o-hours slapping and tickling it all together so HIGHLY recommend you get busy ingesting. Check it...
Left To Die - 80's AWESOME - Little Help? - Like Animals - So Gross - Lohan NUDE - Barbaric - BOOM! - Stripper Booty
Whorish - This Is Art? - Train Fight - Exceptional - In Sunny - Funk'n Fail - Public Sex - Attitude - Sorry Mate - Surprise
Twerk It - True Blood - Fawking Dead - Nude Rider - Teen Pussy - Stunners - Matrixed - Fucktarded - Mega Balls
I wish people would stop making so many racist jokes. I mean, growing up I had lots of black friends... until my dad sold them.
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A tourist arrived in New Zealand, hired a car and set off for the mountains. On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar. "For fuck's sake!" the bloke cried "what the hell's going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and now some bloke's wanking himself off in the bar!" "Fair dinkum, mate" the bartender told him "you can't expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep!"
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Bubba and Earl, two hillbillies from West Virginia, were in a local bar enjoying a beer when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize: year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize: a toilet brush. About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighbourhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied "Great, I love spaghetti!" Earl asked Bubba "How about you? How's the toilet brush working out?" "Not so good" replied Bubba. "I reckon I'm going back to paper".
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A Russian Czar's birthday arrived, and when he woke up, he saw a message written in piss on the heavy snow from the night before: "A happy birthday to you my Master, signed Ivan, your loyal servant". The Czar called Ivan and said "It was nice of you to remember my birthday, but how the heck did you do it? You're illiterate!" The servant responded "Oh, it was simple. I was pissing in snow and your wife was holding my dick!"
ORSM VIDEO
FAMOUS LAST WORDS
"Dammit… don't you dare ask God to help me" --Joan Crawford to her housekeeper who began to pray aloud
"Oinka Oinka Oinka why you awake" --Tweeted by Amy Winehouse
"I'm goin' to heaven! I'm comin' home" --Bo Diddley
"I'm going to go and see Jesus" --Whitney Houston
"I'd like you to give my love to my family and friends" --Ted Bundy
"Ah well, I suppose it has come to this" --legendary Australian bushranger Ned Kelly
"Oh shit…" --Cozy Powell, rock drummer who died in a car crash while on the phone to his girlfriend
"Love one another" --George Harrison
"Me? You're the one shot in the motherfuckin' head!" --Tupac Shakur
"Kiss my ass" --John Wayne Gacy
"Van Halen!" --musician 'Dimebag' Darrell Abbott after being shot on stage
"Leave me alone, I'm fine" --Barry White to his nurse
"Money can't buy life" --Bob Marley
"I'm going away tonight" --James Brown
"Hurry up, you Hoosier bastard, I could kill ten men while you're fooling around!" --Carl Panzram to the executioner fastening the noose around his neck
"Pardon me, sir. I did not do it on purpose" --Queen Marie Antoinette after she stepped on the foot of her executioner as she was lead to the guillotine
"I am perplexed. Satan Get Out!" --famous occultist, Aleister Crowley
"Don't leave me like this" --Alice in Chains lead singer, Layne Staley
"It's stopped" --Joseph Henry Green, upon checking his own pulse.
"I don't care if I live or die. Go ahead and kill me" --Jeffrey Dahmer
"Father hates me and I'm never coming back" --Marvin Gaye
"I need help bad, man" --Jimi Hendrix
"No, you certainly can't" --John F. Kennedy in reply to wife of Dallas Governor John Connelly, commenting "You certainly can't say that the people of Dallas haven't given you a nice welcome, Mr President"
"Tell me, after my head has been chopped off, will I still be able to hear, at least for a moment, the sound of my own blood gushing from the stump of my neck? That would be a pleasure to end all pleasures" --Peter Kurten
"I feel ill. Call the doctors" --Mao Zedong, Chairman of China
"I live!" --Roman Emperor, as he was being murdered by his own soldiers
"I can't sleep" --J. M. Barrie, author of Peter Pan
"You have won, O Galilean" --Emperor Julian, having attempted to reverse the official endorsement of Christianity by the Roman Empire.
"I love you" --spoken to the executioner by homosexual murderer Sean Flanagan
"Don't worry – it's not loaded, see?" --Terry Kath, Chicago guitarist who died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound
"Hey, fellas! How about this for a headline for tomorrow's paper? 'French Fries!'" --Frenchman James French, a convicted murderer, as he was strapped into the electric chair
"Put that bloody cigarette out!" --Saki, to a fellow officer whilst taking shelter in a trench fearing the smoke would give away their position. He was shot by a German sniper who had heard the remark
"LSD, 100 micrograms, intramuscular" --Aldous Huxley instructing his wife on what dose to inject.
"Remember, the death penalty is murder" --Robert Drew
"Now why did I do that?" --General William Erskine, after he jumped from a window
"I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis" --Humphrey Bogart
"I'd like to have some milk. Please, please give me some more" --Michael Jackson
"Bugger Bognor" --King George V whose physician had suggested that he relax at his seaside palace in Bognor Regis
"Hit the water! Hit the water! Hit the water!" --Jane Dornacker, as her helicopter plunged into the Hudson River during a live-on-air traffic report
"Now, now, my good man, this is no time for making enemies" -Voltaire when asked by a priest to renounce Satan
"I'll be in hell before you start breakfast, boys. Let her rip!" --Tom Ketchum
"I am about to -or I am going to- die. Either expression is correct" --Dominique Bouhours, famous French grammarian
"Tomorrow, I shall no longer be here" --Nostradamus
"It's better to burn out than to fade away" --Kurt Cobain
I did what I could. --Edward Abbey
"That was a great game of golf fellas!" --Bing Crosby
"Are you all right?" --Australian entertainer Belinda Emmett to her sister who she caught weeping as she lay dying of cancer
"Please don't let me fall" --Mary Surratt, before being hanged for her part in the conspiracy to assassinate President Lincoln
IF YOU GOT IT, FLAUNT IT - PUBLICLY! |
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Jim is always going to the bar after work with his friends. Jim always gets to drunk which is creating a real problem with his work, wife, and family. His wife cuts him off from going to the bar ANY more.
For months Jim is obedient. However one day at work, Jim's friends come up to him and say we are taking you out tonight for your birthday!! "I can't" he says "Every time I go to the bar I get out of control". They all tell Jim that they will take good care of him and that they won't let him drink too much. He finally gives in and goes out to the bar that night with all of his friends.
Three hours in his friends forget about keeping him under control, and he gets wasted. Jim throws up all over his shirt and realises his wife is going to be furious. His friend comes up and says "Don't worry, this is what you are going to do! Take this 20 dollars put it in your pocket. When you get home tell your wife a guy threw up on you and offered you 20 dollars to pay for your ruined shirt". Jim smiles at the thought of the brilliant plan and continues to drink.
Well his friends drop Jim off at the end of the night and his wife is up waiting for him. She asks Jim if he got out of control like he usually did. He denies it. She then asks why he has throw-up on his shirt. He reaches in his pocket and pulls out some cash and hands it to her. He tells her how a guy threw up on him and gave him 20 bucks to pay for his ruined shirt.
She looks at him for a second, and then at the money. She looks back at him and says "Okay, but why is there 40 dollars here?" Jim says "Oh yeah he shit in my pants too!"
ORSM VIDEO
Boudreaux was a professional wrestler down in south Louisiana with an undefeated record. Thibodaux, his long-time best friend, was his agent. One day Boudreaux and Thibodaux were talking, and Boudreaux suggested Thibodaux set up a match with the "Big Russian". Thibodaux immediately tells his buddy that the Big Russian is undefeated, and has a signature move called the "Siberian Pretzel Hold" that no one has escaped. Boudreaux tells Thibodaux "Don't worry my friend, I will train day and night and will be prepared, you just set the match up!"
Thibodaux sets the match up and every day for three months he tells Boudreaux "What ever you do, don't let the Big Russian put you in the 'Siberian Pretzel Hold'. N one has been able to escape it!"
Boudreaux continues to tell him, don't worry, I will be prepared.
After three months of training, and Thibodaux warning him of the Siberian Pretzel Hold, it was time for the match. Thibodaux's last words to Boudreaux before the bell rang were "Whatever you do, DON'T LET THE BIG RUSSIAN GET YOU IN THE SIBERIAN PRETZEL!!"
The bell rang, and Boudreaux commenced to whooping up on the Big Russian. He was throwing him from one side of the ring to the other, while Thibodaux was yelling "DON'T LET HIM GET YOU INTO THE SIBERIAN PRETZEL HOLD!!!" After five minutes, Thibodaux's worst nightmare came true, Boudreaux slipped, and the Big Russian slapped the Siberian Pretzel Hold on him. Boudreaux was hollering, screaming, and crying from the pain. Thibodaux just could watch his buddy in so much pain, and new the match was over. He turned and walked up the isle towards the locker room. About the time he reached for the handle on the door, he heard the bell ring and the crowd cheering. He turned around and the ref was lifting Boudreaux's hand as the winner!
Thibodaux waited for Boudreaux to get to the locker room and he asked him how in the world he won. Boudreaux told Thibodaux "I have never, ever, been in so much pain before in my life. He said as I was reaching for what I thought was my last breath of air, I opened my eyes and seen the largest set of balls I have ever seen hanging right in front of my eyes". Thibodaux says "So what did you do?" Boudreaux says "I bit them". Thibodaux says "You bit them?" Boudreaux says "Yep, you would be surprised what you can do when you bite your own balls"...
BEACH BUTTS: hot in and of themselves |
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A woman meets a man in a bar. It goes well. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organising the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?"
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."
TITS... THE FOURTH VAGINA... |
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READER MAIL
Want to contribute to Orsm AND annoy me at the same time? That stupid 'ting-ting' sound Outlook makes every time a new email arrives bugs the crap out of me so if you've got compromising pics of a bitch ex, pics of a hot as hell current girlfriend, demented shit, fucked up shit, funny shit, jokes, random videos or any other assorted media then you should email it my way and know you've agitated some guy you don't even know with very little effort! And how? Simple - just click here and make the magic happen!
<with held> wrote:
Subject: 2013 election
Hey Mr Orsm... This is EXACTLY how i feel about the upcoming election.... pls withhold my details. Cheers.
That's how EVERYONE feels. -Orsm |
Chelsey wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Hey Mr orsm. Love your site. Always a fan but there is something horrible happening in our nation people need to know about. Our very own troops no longer support the injustices being perpetrated upon our nation. Post this video for as long as you can before the government gets wise. |
Justin wrote:
Subject: Western Australian Police
The Pilbara region in Western Australia received 9 inches of rain over three days resulting in 'minor' flooding in low lying areas. These photos were taken just outside of Port Headland and showcase WA's police force at its finest. The question is, don't you think they should have let the Aboriginal prisoners out of the back...??!!! |
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Michael wrote:
Subject: Emailing
A really good reason NOT to wear flip flops around horses!!!
Congratulations on giving me nightmares. -Orsm |
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Peter wrote:
Subject: Emailing
What Newfies do with old Rubber boots
Very clever. -Orsm |
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Kel wrote:
Subject: EVERYONE SHOULD SEE THIS!!
Why waste millions on complex election campaigns....this is all that is needed
Because people are stupid and have short memories. -Orsm |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Maybe the Worst "Dear John" Letter Ever?
Or best... until its forwarded to everyone she knows that is. -Orsm |
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Jason wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Ramsay photo |
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chris wrote:
Subject: Emailing
another gordon ramsay
And that's why he's my hero. Video compil here. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: tight arse work mates
I have been working with these workmate (ha) for 25 years. On my 50th birthdayday they asked what id like as a present i told them a bottle of Johny Walker whiskey and i gave them the advert. Did i get it? did i fuck/ Hide name and edress
Only bottle in Australia? Damn... I was gonna buy 2... -Orsm |
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tomas wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Check out the typo in the website.
Koran BBQ at my place tonight - who's keen? -Orsm |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Community Policing
That sad part is that when they coined this phrase, the brain childs really thought that they had something new. If they were actually cops, they would have known that is what we did every day. Oh, by the way, I meant "Community Policing." not kissing ass. |
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DUDE wrote:
Subject: Why do I have to go to school?
Personally, I found this quite amusing... :)
The truth speaks for itself. -Orsm |
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Miles wrote:
Subject: Playa Playa
O - love you man. Long time viewer, two time sender. Please post this somewhere and help a brother out. He puts up a pretty good argument as to why he should get some.
Realistic. See that ladies? -Orsm |
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Brian wrote:
Subject: Proposed - COLLINGWOOD STADIUM with RETRACTABLE ROOF!!
Hot off the press! Collingwood are going to move back to Victoria Park and build a new stadium with a retractable roof! Very impressive! |
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Israeli Army vs Arab Army
Why the Israeli Defense Force shall prevail over its Arab neighbours' Defense Forces! How are those pins, for fucks sake~! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics
Some pictures of a cheating ex fiancee that she sent me, more to come if they are appreciated? Please withold my details etc.
I find misshapen boobs fascinating. Yes - send more. -Orsm |
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Kel wrote:
Subject: Don't Cry For Me ..................... Detroit
For 15 years, from the mid 1970's to 1990, I worked in Detroit, Michigan. I watched it descend into the abyss of crime, debauchery, gunplay, drugs, school truancy, car-jacking, gangs and human depravity. I watched entire city blocks burned out. I watched graffiti explode on buildings, cars, trucks, buses and school yards. Trash everywhere! |
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Bill wrote:
Subject: CONCEPT CARS OF THE 1950S
They were pure fantasy on wheels, machines designed to make the heart race and the mind ask... what if? These 1950s concept cars were automotive art built to attract public attention, test wild engineering ideas, and give motorists a fleeting glimpse down the highway of tomorrow. |
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Ideas, new and old |
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Brian wrote:
Subject: Unusual photographs of events in history.
Some unusual pictures from the past, I don't think these are very common. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: For your site
Awesome site. Well done. My wife loves BBC. Please keep my details private. |
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Michael wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Scottish Rabbits have a sense of humor... but are not that fast.
How do I steer this thing? -Orsm |
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Brett wrote:
Subject: A GoPro and a Sledgehammer
Thought you might like this. [Youtube link here] |
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Be very careful of taxi's
Wow! I am sure the guy who was running to catch the other taxi must have said a silent prayer that he had not run faster, but sadly the other guy standing behind the other taxi did not appear to be as lucky. |
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Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!
Paddy is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.
The blonde realises he is staring and inquires "Are you looking at my vagina?" "Yes, I'm sorry" Paddy replies and promises to avert his eyes. "It's quite all right" replies the woman "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you". Sure enough the vagina blows him a kiss.
Paddy, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder vagina can do. "I can also make it wink" says the woman. Paddy stares in amazement as the vagina winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me" suggests the woman, patting the seat. Paddy moves over and she smiles and asks "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?" Stunned, Paddy replies "You're kidding - you mean it can whistle, too?"
ORSM VIDEO
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success". "Very good" said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next "I sold magazines" she said "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events". "Very good, Jenny" said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes" said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town" said Little Johnny "I set up a Dip &Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample".
They all said the same thing "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!" Then I would say "It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?" "I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth".
BABY CAKES |
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Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunt camp.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said "Yup, his face is burned up... pretty bad. You better roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said "Nope, ain't Stanley".
The mortician thought this was rather strange so he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up, roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said "No, it ain't Stanley".
The mortician asked "How can you tell?" Gomer said "Well, Stanley had two assholes".
"What! He had two assholes!?" asked the mortician. "Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say 'There's Stanley with them two assholes'".
RANDOM SHITE
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An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him "we're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.
Holding the bucket up, he said "I'm here to feed the alligator."
SAMANTHA, SINFULLY OF COURSE... |
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A man met a beautiful Australian blonde lady and after a short courtship asked her to marry him.
She said "But we don't know anything about each other". He said "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along".
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
"That was incredible!" she gasped. He said "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along".
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
He said "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No" she said "I was a prostitute in Mildura, but I worked both sides of the Murray River!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Okay fuckers thats me for this week. Let's all agree it was a stellar update... because it was infact a stellar update. Want more? Read on...
-Check out the site archives. You won't believe what you've missed!
-Next update will be next Thursday. If nothing else, I'm consitent.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will kill everyone important to you.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't ever let me go. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2013.08.01-20.51 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. You want I should use really annoying phrases?
What a difference a week makes. Obviously someone was listening because I haven't heard a fucking peep out of anyone and interruptions have been few and far between. So much so that I was in bed by 11 last night [unheard of for a Wednesday] and even finished early today. That NEVER happens. Maybe everyone has died. Maybe everyone is sick of my shit. Maybe I have no friends. Maybe it's a combo, also known as win/win/win.
Advertising bans, display bans, plain packaging, disgusting imagery, scary TV ads, dire health warnings, bans on smoking in public places and massively increased taxes. These are some of the tactics employed by the leaders of our nanny state over the years to stop us, the brainless underlings, from smoking ourselves to death. Some have been more effective than others but ultimately if you like smoking that much, you've learned to ignore the visual warnings and carry on with your delicious nicotine addiction.
This week however it's been announced the price is going up again. It's a very shitty time to be a smoker in Australia. If the nearly $20 a pack was already bugging you then an extra $5 is going to leave a worse taste than switching to menthol. For a pack-a-day smoker it's in excess of $9000 a year. Serious coin. And that's what it's all about right - despite government wankers saying otherwise, they couldn't give a single fuck about the average Joe's health but the costs of treating smoking related illness ranging from minor ailments to full blown cancer are immense so recouping some of those dollars probably isn't entirely unfair.
The thing that really, really bugs me about this though is where does it stop? Where does saving us from ourselves [and their wallets] end? Right now the same dickwads are trying to work out "what to do" about gambling, alcohol and junk food advertising and how it affects 'the kids'. I'd be willing to bet that in a decade or so "what we did" will bear a striking similarity to the campaign against cigarettes. And then what do they target? Coffee? CHOCOLATE!? Say it isn't so!
I'm a reformed smoker, don't gamble, occasional drinker and rarely eat junk food but that's my choice. Maybe I don't know enough stupid people that the answer to "what ever happened to personal responsibility?" isn't more obvious. If you want to <insert vice> yourself to death - do it. If you need the government protecting you from all these evils then you deserve to pay $25 for a pack of smokes.
Moving on. I crapped on last week how last week was crap. It stayed that way right until the very end. Friday morning kicked off with yet another printer install. Won't go into details suffice to say - fuck my life. Next was the dentist. I used to be such a pussy little bitch about that shit but these days I couldn't give a fuck. Could easily drift off to sleep if it weren't for the hygienist and her annoying "wider" every now and then. Anyway... I go in for a clean, get halfway through, the dentist comes in and pretty soon they're saying [amongst a couple of other problems] my wisdom teeth have to come out. Not impressed. Not cool. Have a legitimate fear of surgery and an even more legitimate fear of what'll come out under the influence of drugs... like this... or this... or this... or this. Removal not yet scheduled but coming soon.
Funnily though I wasn't the only one suffering under the weight of dental anguish. The GF had a violent run in with one as well so needless to say we needed something good in our lives. Enter overly generous, wonderful and amazing relatives and the keys to their holiday home we'd frequented a few weeks ago. An hour later we were in Mandurah. God knows what happened that night. A fierce storm made plenty of noise but that usually isn't enough to keep me from sleeping yet I couldn't manage a single minute. Got fed up tossing and turning around 4am so put it to good use sitting on the couch on my laptop working.
The shitty weather lingered all of Saturday but it didn't stop me from finding some motherfucking eggs. Next was a mind-numbing wander around town. Discovered the worst lingerie shop in the world; specialising in underwear for portly seniors. Nearby was the worst bookstore in the world; staffed by portly seniors. Rest of the day was lowkey. Some friends dropped by for a coffee. They left. I napped. Another friend dropped by. She left. I slept.
Woke up feeling like a million bucks Sunday, the weather had cleared and it was time to exercise. Pumped out a few miles exploring the surrounding whatever and even took a stroll through a [and I use the term loosely] 'resort' which our parents took us to as kids. Hasn't changed at all except for maybe a coat of paint. The same awesome pool and trampolines remain. Got back to shower, pack the car and pump out lunch with the GF's old man before heading home. And that boys and girls was about it for the weekend. Had so much shit to do and accomplish but the psychological benefits of saying 'fuck it' and fleeing for a few days were well worth it. Good 2-night break was good.
Alright. Let's get busy with a brand new update. I am perhaps excessively proud of this one. 80 new videos, a bunch of faptastically hot image galleries, jokes out the ass and enough other shite that I'd be very surprised if the majority of you bastards aren't kept busy for at least a few hours. If not... well maybe this is more up your alley? Check it...
Kill No-One - LowTech Hacks - Porn Vs Reality - 'merica!! - My Bad! - Do Want - Corrupted - Laborious - Monster Cawk
Off Her Meds - Breakdown - Chastity - Gored - Tits On TV - WTF LADY - Fiery Red - So Shitty - Caught - Swallowed
Fk'n Dog - Perfecto - Funny Dude - Deadmau5 - Awesomeness - Lucky Day - Fucked Up - Err Wot? - Booty - Rap Dad
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back". "You're on, old man" the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got". Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said "All right. Get in".
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Today I picked up my mother-in-law at the airport. She's getting a little up there. She's at the age where she doesn't remember things too well. So, when I saw her, I said "Thanks for coming. Have a nice flight!"
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A couple return from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong. "Well" replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, I got up to go to the bathroom and I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking". "Oh, I shouldn't worry about that too much" said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough". The groom nodded gently and said "That may be true, but I can't get over the fact that she gave me $20 change!"
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A young bride and groom to be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me" she asked the rather elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater three times a day.
ORSM VIDEO
WITTY EXCHANGES, INSULTS & OBSERVATIONS
"He had delusions of adequacy". --Walter Kerr
"I really didn't foresee the Internet. But then, neither did the computer industry. Not that that tells us very much of course... the computer industry didn't even foresee that the century was going to end". --Douglas Adams
"I became a feminist as an alternative to becoming a masochist". --Sally Kempton
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire". --Winston Churchill
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me". --Fred Allen
"I hate to spread rumours. But what else one can do with them?" -- Amanda Lear
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure". --Clarence Darrow
"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt". --Abraham Lincoln
"In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows". --Woody Allen
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary". --William Faulkner about Ernest Hemingway.
"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on". --Dean Martin
"Once you've been in a mental institution, people are going to look at you funny". --Drew Barrymore
"Don't be humble - you are not that great". --Golda Meir
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it". --Moses Hadas
"Skin diseases are something doctors like, the patient neither dies nor gets well". --H.L. Mencken
"Never believe in anything until it has been officially denied". --Otto von Bismarck
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it". --Mark Twain
"Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine". --David Moulton
"Everyday people are straying away from the church and going back to god". --Lenny Bruce
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends".--Oscar Wilde
"You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You are the same decaying organic matter as everything else". --Chuck Palahniuk
"Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxi cabs and cutting hair". --George Burns
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one". --George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one". --Winston Churchill, in response.
"Relationships don't last any more. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself 'Is this the guy I want my children spending their weekends with?'" --Rita Rudner
"A lie can be half way around the world before the truth has got its boots on". --James Callaghan
"The Japanese have perfected good manners and made them indistinguishable from rudeness". --Paul Theroux
"Democracy is the worst form of government, except all the others that have been tried". --Sir Winston Churchill
"I feel so miserable without you. It's almost like having you here". --Stephen Bishop
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure". --Clarence Darrow
"Outside every thin girl is a fat man, trying to get in". --Katharine Whitehorn
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator". --John Bright
"Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one". --WC Fields
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial". --Irvin S. Cobb
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go". --Oscar Wilde
"It's very good to get through them (drugs) while you're still young and then talk about how great or bad it was for the rest of your life". --Carrie Fisher
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others". --Samuel Johnson
"I am a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house". --Zsa Zsa Gabor
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up". --Paul Keating
"Many people take no care of their money till they come nearly to the end of it, and others do just the same with their time". --Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily". --Charles, Count Talleyrand
"Every passing hour brings the Solar System forty-three thousand miles closer to Globular Cluster M13 in Hercules - and still there are some misfits who insist that there is no such thing as progress". --Kurt Vonnegut
"If women can sleep their way to the top, how come they aren't there? There must be an epidemic of insomnia out there". --Ellen Goodman
A Member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease". "That depends, Sir" said Disraeli "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress".
"The nice thing about egoists is that they don't talk about other people". --Lucille S. Harper
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him". --Forrest Tucker
"I am not young enough to know everything". --Oscar Wilde
"You can be a king or a street sweeper, but everyone dances with the Grim Reaper". --Robert Alton Harris
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" --Mark Twain
"Some people stay longer in an hour than others can in a week". --William Dean Howells
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork". --Mae West
"People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war or before an election". --Otto von Bismarck
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go". --Oscar Wilde
"Women's intuition is the result of millions of years of not thinking". --Rupert Hughes
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination". --Andrew Lang
"I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn't explain away afterwards". --Immanuel Kant
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music". --Billy Wilder
"Most of the time I don't have much fun. - The rest of the times, I don't have any fun at all". --Woody Allen
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it". --Groucho Marx
SEXY EYES |
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Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd was getting ready for work one morning when his wife looked at him and said "What is the matter with you? You look terrible". He replied that he felt great.
Then Kevin went to work where his secretary took one look at him and said "What is the matter with you? You look terrible". Kevin replied that there was nothing wrong with him and that he felt great.
Then he went to lunch with a Minister and the Minister looked at him and said "What is the matter with you Kevin? You look terrible". He again replied that he felt great. The Minister suggested he go to the doctor right away because he looked so bad.
Ruddy went to the doctor, and when the doctor walked into the examining room and saw him the doctor said "My God, you look terrible". Kevin explained that everyone was telling him that he looked terrible but that he felt great. The doctor said "Are you sure you feel great?" Kevin reiterated that he definitely felt great!
The doctor got out his medical book and looked up "looks terrible". After he found that he looked up the subsection "feels great".
The doctor said "I found it right here under 'looks terrible, feels great'. Kevin, at this point very nervous, inquired to the doctor "Tell me... what is it?" The doctor replied "According to my book... you're a cunt!"
ORSM VIDEO
I was stopped by the cops at an RBT station and one of the officers was convinced that I was drunk. I had to answer some questions, which would determine whether I was under the influence, or sober.
Cop: "If you are driving on a road and see two lights, what is it?" "A car... I think" I replied. "Okay but is it a Chrysler, GM, or Buick?" "No clue" I replied. "You're drunk!" he said.
I shook my head slightly, being caught off guard. "But if you meet one light then!?" he asked. "Probably a motorcycle" I replied. "Okay but is it a Honda, BMW, or a Suzuki?" "No clue!" I replied. "You're drunk!" he said again.
Now I was a little angry and asked the arrogant officer, a question: "If you see a woman at a corner, with fishnet-stockings, mini-skirt, high-heeled shoes, and lots of makeup, what can it be?" "Haaa! the cop said" It is of course a whore!" "Correct"... I replied. "But is it your wife, daughter or mother?"
They seized my driver's license...
DOWNBLOUSE |
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Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, I just graduated from Brigham Young University and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent". They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves, beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent".
They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says "Well, I'm from the University of Michigan and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in!"
EVERYTHING'S GOOD but... her FACE... |
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Two nicely dressed ladies were seated near each other while waiting in the Auckland airport. The first lady was an arrogant Aucklander married to a wealthy man. The second was a well-mannered, elderly woman from Invercargill. The first struck up a conversation in which she did most of the talking.
When the conversation centred on whether they had any children, the Auckland woman said "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me". The lady from the Invercargill commented "Well, isn't that nice?"
The first woman continued "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz". Again, the lady from the Invercargill commented "Well, isn't that nice?"
The first woman continued boasting "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet". Yet again, the Invercargill lady commented "Well, isn't that nice?"
The first woman then asked her companion "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" "My husband sent me to charm school" declared the Invercargill lady.
"Charm school??" the first woman cried "Oh my God! What on earth for?" The Invercargill lady responded "Well, for one thing, instead of saying 'Who gives a shit?' I learned to say "Well, isn't that nice".
GIRLS FISHING |
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A man went to a plastic surgeon to get work done on his penis. The doctor, curious, asked what had happened to it.
"Well" the patient said "I live in a trailer court. A gorgeous buxom creature lives in the trailer next to mine. I used to peek into her trailer and I saw that she had a habit. Each afternoon she'd take a frankfurter from her refrigerator and put it in a hole on her trailer floor. Then she'd sit on it and have a ball. She nearly drove me crazy. So I got a bright idea. One day I got under her trailer and when she slid the frankfurter into the hole, I slid it out and slipped my penis up through the hole. She sat down on it and everything was great until there was a knock at the door".
"And then?" asked the doctor.
"Aw hell" the patient explained. "That's when she tried to kick it under the stove".
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A woman, about to undergo an IRS audit, asked her accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper".
Then she asked her legal counsel the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your finest attire".
Utterly confused at this point, she went to her rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of her dilemma. "Let me tell you a story" replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel'".
The woman protested "Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" "Don't you see? It doesn't matter what you wear my dear! Either way, the results will be the same"...
ORSM VIDEO
A newly married couple had moved in their first house. The following morning, the wife was cooking breakfast when her husband interrupted by asking what was she doing.
"I'm making breakfast" she replied. The husband said "Oh no honey, we don't need that. We're going to live on love alone".
He pushes the plates and forks off the table, lays her on top and proceeds to 'eat' her. They were both satisfied.
Noontime came and the husband saw his wife cooking. He asked what she was doing and she replied "I'm making lunch". He said "Oh no honey, we don't need that, we're going to live on love alone!"
He lays her on top of the table and proceeds to 'eat' her.
They were both satisfied. Evening came and the husband saw his wife running up the stairs and sliding down the banister repeatedly. He asked her what she was doing. She replied "I'm warming up dinner".
ENJOY SAMMIE RHODES |
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John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighbourhood.
On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbours were eating cold tuna fish for supper.
This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighbourhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.
They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbours and become a Catholic. They took him to church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him and said "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic".
The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.
The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighbourhood was sitting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill.
The neighbourhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent?
The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish".
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A young couple were traveling through the desert when their car ran out of gas and were stranded. After a while an old cowboy rode up to them and the couple asked if he would help them.
The cowboy agreed and said "This is going to cost you". The man and woman said "Okay". The cowboy went and got the gas, came back, and got the car started. The couple said "Thanks and what do we owe you for helping us?" Well I told you that it was going to cost you" said the cowboy. "No problem. What is it?" asked the couple.
The cowboy said to the husband "I'm going to screw your wife with my ten inch dick and YOU'RE going to hold my balls off of the hot sand".
Later as the couple were driving away the woman said to her husband "You know, he was a tough old coot". The husband said "I don't know about that. Did you hear him yell when I dropped his balls in the sand?"
ALANAH RAE LOVES THE DICK |
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The West Ham manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.
Two weeks later West Ham are 2-0 down to Newcastle with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation. He scores 3 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for the Hammers. The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in English football. "Hello Mum, guess what?" he says "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 2-0 down, but I scored 3. They call it a hat trick, and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the Press, they all love me."
"Just wonderful" says his Mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, she would have been raped except for a passing police vehicle. Your brother has joined a local gang of looters and set fire to some buildings and all while you tell me that you were having a great time!"
The young lad is very upset. "What can I say Mum, but I'm really sorry"
"Sorry!? Sorry!!" says his Mum. "It's your bloody fault that we came to West Ham in the first place".
ORSM
VIDEO
Okay fuckers. I'm done for this week but lucky for you it doesn't have to end here...
-Check out the site archives. They're literally fuller.
-Next update will be next Thursday. It's how I roll.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will choke you out... with a Jedi mind trick. What did you think I meant...?
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and... ask me later. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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