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| orsmupdate 2011.08.25-19.03 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Why...!? Because fuck old people - that's why.
This week's blog was always going to be part two of my travel adventures which is cool because it saves me from having to conjure up something about nothing - the cunty flu which coincided with my return still lingers and its kept me more or less housebound. The upside is I've been ultra-productive and almost back on top of all the crap which had piled up.
So continuing on from last week... after leaving Jakarta it was destination Singapore. The first unavoidable impression, after 'OMG Changi Airport is fucking gigantic', is that it's hot and ridiculously humid. You get used to it pretty quickly although doesn't hurt that everywhere is air-conditioned like crazy. Everything is incredibly dense too - being an island space is at a premium so buildings are close together, high-rises dominate the skyline and nothing is too far away. It's extremely clean, there's no graffiti or vandalism, the buildings are either architectural masterpieces or painted in such a way to give them vibrancy and the mix of old versus modern provides an amazing contrast. Visually, Singapore is spectacular.
One of the things I absolutely loved was the MRT [subway]. I think there were three or four main lines which get you just about anywhere, including the airport. Ticketing is handled with a rechargeable smart card that doesn't have to leave your wallet. I don't use public transport at home... things are much more spread out [ie. less dense] making it far less convenient so the car is king. The only time I got near a car in Singapore was for airport transfers and one cab ride when I was feeling too lazy/tired to find a particular place by myself.
Speaking of cars... if you ever wanted to know your place in the world, Singapore can help. The display of wealth is disgusting. The cost of car ownership is absurdly high which I'm not sure is to encourage people onto public transport thereby easing traffic or simply reduce pollution. Either way, both are achieved however the amount of high-end cars you see is never-ending. BMW's, Porsche's, Mercedes, Audi's, Maserati's [and everything in between] all feature to the point of 'Meh... just another Ferrari'. Basically if you can afford a car, you can afford something excessive. Add to that, by law nothing over 10 years old is allowed.
Singapore is a shopper's paradise. If you have even the slightest inclination towards finding a bargain you never have to go far so whether it be scungy markets, malls, mega malls or the high-end name brand stuff you learn to haggle pretty quickly. That said, I did have a few experiences which kind of killed it for me. China Town was particularly shit - an Indian guy went nuts screaming at me for not buying aftershave despite saying "not interested" over and over and a dodgy Chinese jewellers went the hardcore pressure sales tactics and bailed me up for half an hour trying to milk me SGD$700 for a bracelet. Later spotted the same one elsewhere for SGD$290. For the record - the better the jeweller the better the 'complimentary' beverage. Tap water in Styrofoam cups to peach flavoured tea to soft drinks to jeweller branded bottled water... it's a fool proof way of weeding out the bad from the good.
Spruikers adorn almost every shop front and they are unrelenting. Engage them at your peril because they'll use every technique imaginable to make a sale. The most common approach is to ask where you're from, trying to form a bond by saying they've been there and then pressure-sell the fuck out of you. The worst were the tailors [ALL Indian] followed by jewellers and camera equipment places. It became a challenge for a while... at first you don't want to be rude but eventually took my lead from the locals and put my earphones in which allowed me to ignore the wankers altogether. Which reminds me - old or young, everyone wears earphones and everyone has an iPhone.
Final impressions. People mostly stick to themselves. If you see a queue, join it... there's probably a good reason it exists. Anywhere worth going or seeing is busy. There are no big boobed girls. Escalators everywhere. Amazing food everywhere. The cost of living is high but bargains are plentiful. Shops are having X% sale 'today only'. Trashcans are sparse. Alcohol is expensive. You never ever see uniformed police. Watches, cameras, shoes, handbags and jewellery are for sale everywhere. No agro, no violence, no dickheads. You always feel safe. They're big on going 'green'. As for living there - probably couldn't handle it. Singapore is everything that Perth [home] wants to be but there isn't the same feeling of freedom that I got from Jakarta and things felt a bit too overregulated. Great if you're a tourist, maybe less so if you're a local.
Same as last week, there's some pics below of various places I snapped around Singapore. Mostly Marina Bay Sands hotel, Clark Quay, some of the malls and food highlights. Not exactly cutting edge photojournalism but you get the idea. Okay time to get a brand spankin' update crankin'. Check it...
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After seeing the advert on TV last night featuring an African baby all covered in flies, I phoned the number on the screen straight away to order one. It looks like they work better than those sticky strips you usually hang from the ceiling!
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The administration of this particular elementary school decided to start a more inclusive policy on which words were 'bad' words. Among those initiated to the category was 'suck' (when not referring to the principle of suction). One day a child came up to the teacher to inform her that one of the other students had said a bad word. "What was the bad word he said?" asked the teacher. "I can't say it". "It's okay to tell me, you won't get in trouble for it". "No, it's too bad, I don't want to say it". "Well I have to know what he said in order to punish him. Can you tell me what it is without saying it?" "Well... it rhymes with 'fuck'".
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A guy and a girl are lying in a bed after just having sex. The girl lays on her side of the bed and rests. The guy goes to his side of the bed and says to himself "Man oh Man, I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin". The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?" "Well," the guy explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the woman I love to lose my virginity". Astounded, the girl replies, "So you really love me?" "Oh God no!" the guy says. "I just got sick of waiting".
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Little Johnny comes home from school and his mum asks him how his day was. To which the chirpy 6 year old replies "Great. I had my first ever fuck!" Disgusted, Johnny's mum sends him to his room until his Dad returns home from work. Half an hour later, his dad is told the story by his mum and is asked to go up to his room to admonish his offspring. He sits down next to the lad and says "Son. I heard that you had your first fuck today. Good lad! Congratulations! When do you think you will get the next one?" To which little Johnny replies "When my butthole stops hurting!"
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There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him. Then the chief surgeon walked in and asked what's wrong? The head nurse replied "We don't know what to do with this baby boy". So the chief surgeon took one look and said "Well it's obvious that you should put him into a mental institution". "Why?" asked the head nurse. "Well" replied the chief surgeon "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts".
ORSM
VIDEO
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well the passion starts to heat up and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me".
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man". She responded to my puzzled look by saying "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realising that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes so I said "Let's get a pair for each outfit".
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited... she must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said "That's fine, honey". She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier".
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out "No honey, I don't feel like it". Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?"
I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman". And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least the bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
| SERIOUSLY HAWT: DAISY MARIE |
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Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A friend of a friend put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure who went by the name of Artie. Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Woolworths Supermarket store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared... 'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WOOLWORTHS'
ORSM
VIDEO
MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN BECAUSE THEY WANT TO...
-If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
-If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
-If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
-If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
-If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
-If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
-If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favouritism.
-If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
-If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
-If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
-If you cry, you're a wimp.
-If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
-If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
-If she thumps you, it's self-defence.
-If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
-If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
-If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
-If she asks you, it's a favour.
-If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
-If you don't, you're gay.
-If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
-If you don't, you're unromantic.
-If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.
-If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
-If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
-If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself.
-If you don't, you're not ambitious.
-If she has a headache, she's tired.
-If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
-If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
-If you don't, there must be someone else.
| PIERCED NIPPLES ARE SEXY AS FUCK |
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Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each".
The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
And now you know how the stock market works...
| SINGAPORE |
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READER MAIL
If you would like to submit, contribute, respond or just say your bit then you may do so here - we're always happy to be plastered with porn, pics of your bitch Ex, random shit, video clips, funny shit, cool links or email forwards - whatever it is, it's all welcome! Just click here and make the magic happen.
D wrote:
Subject: Random facebook flash
Perusing around facebook photos and stumbled across this lovely photo.
Bless her and her small sexy boobs. -Orsm |
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Morro wrote:
Subject: voting
Hey Orsm, love the site here's form my mate submitted to the electoral commision explaining why he didn't vote in the last election. He got fined.
Keep up the good work.
Seems valid and sufficient to me...? -Orsm |
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Colin wrote:
Subject: UK
New way to shop in the UK....
Priceless. -Orsm |
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Matt wrote:
Subject: big story
Daughter of deputy mayor of marlboro NJ arrested for prostitution. Linhui Cai, aka Lily Cai, daughter of deputy mayor Huimin Shen of Marlboro NJ, here are the links and pics for the arrest. Here is the link to her mom (deputy mayor). Here are the forum reviews for the whorehouse which Linhui Cai aka Lily Cai was working at from Jan to May of 2011, Every detail from the prices to how many girls worked on which day to what each girl would do can be found on this thread. Here [and here] are the ads they used. I have attached 2 actual photos of her taken by herself while working as a prostitute inside the 438 asylum house where she was arrested. the pic with the dog was taken around may 17th right before the raid, and the other pic was taken on march 12th, according to the forum review thread, that was when she went back to work at the brothel
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Pat wrote:
Subject: Funny pic
Hey man, Just like all the others I'm going to skip the pre-amble. Took this pic the other night - the headline was just too good to be true. Don't forget to read the part in red. Use as you wish :-) and keep drinking beer! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Reader mail
Sums it up pretty well for Dandenong. Details hidden. Cheers mate
And the winner is... -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Finally... My Wifes Tits Online! Enjoy!
Please hide the details, but it took 9 years of begging and pleading and I finally got her to agree to doing something like this... Took a 3 week business trip to turn the tides. Understand I had to cut-out her face, but I left another pretty nice part of the pic to enjoy. Please post on your site and memoralize her in your wonderful archives!
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Dan wrote:
Subject: Something to add to your site (maybe)
Was browsing through Amazons Cloud Storage site and was entering details when asked to enter verification letters. Thought it was worth a
contribution to orsm :) Cheers. Thanks for the great site! |
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Rich wrote:
Subject: An Old Pic
I took this almost ten years ago and ran across it tonight thought you might get a kick out of it. The driver turned the corner with his boom extended and almost flipped the truck. |
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Ross wrote:
Subject: Cutting back
THE DOCTOR TOLD ME: "YOU CAN HAVE JUST ONE CAN OF BEER A WEEK!" SO I ORDERED ONE! I'M FEELING MUCH BETTER NOW
Now I want beer. -Orsm |
xitz wrote:
Subject: We the Beautiful people Bro, We proud of our Mob
Death Notices, West Australian Monday 15 August 2001. Well you may Laugh but keep in mind you probably helped pay for this, oh and for those people not familiar with Western Australia, all the places listed are various gaols in the Perth area. |
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Michael wrote:
Subject: Finger in the bum!
Hey Mr Orsm!! I found this on the PBA (Philippines Basketball Association) website. I thought it was a cheecky play and may be worthy of your site!Love your work and I especially love the media layer upgrade on your site! |
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Ross wrote:
Subject: He saved my dog
Here is a great story without a word being said, apart from the dialogue at the end. A GERMAN TOURIST JUMPED IN THE FREEZING WATER AND SAVED MY PRECIOUS LITTLE DOG. UPON GETTING BACK ON THE BRIDGE, HE CHECKED MY PUPPY OUT AND TOLD ME, "ZE DOG IS OK. HE VILL BE FINE." Due to his selfless heroic act, I ASKED, "ARE YOU A VET?" HE REPLIED, "VET?"... "I'M FUCKING SOAKED!" |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Broome
here is a few of some girls enjoying cable beach in broome, hide details
please
Really gotta get to Broome one of these days. -Orsm |
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xitz wrote:
Subject: Welcome to the London Olympics
Dont let it ever be said that those Poms are'nt sports minded. Welcome to the London Olympics |
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Steven wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Photoshop looters from UK Riot
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me me wrote:
Subject: pics
heres some pics of a freak from grand rapids. if it will go in she will do it.
They're some big tits. Do want. -Orsm |
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Working at Heights
Oh my gosh I'd kak myself. Workers build a footpath around the vertiginous slopes of Shifou Mountain in China... |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pics of my ex girlfriend
Hey Orsm, I'm a bi female and in this email I have attached a few pictures that she sent me before she dumped me for my ex boyfriend who is turning toothless hillbilly. Could you please keep my contact info hidden. I hope you like the pictures. Pick out the ones you would like to post. Thanks for your time and hope to see them up. |
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Dale wrote:
Subject: $2 coins
Here you go Mr ORSM this is the result of collecting $2 for about two years, there are only 1042 here and growing I built the coin ring out of boredom.
I made one of these with $1 coins but this is at least twice as impressive. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: knob job
hide the deets please!
No comment. -Orsm |
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Neb E wrote:
Subject: Thank You
The sissy sent me a email thought you might like to read it. And since he really enjoys your site I thought I'd pass on a few more pictures of him: Thank You Sooo much for getting me posted to orsm.net. I'm begging you please please send in more of your pictures of me, I really really want to be spread around the internet. Also please if you could ask if at the very least could the priceless cheerleader pic could be included in the priceless pic section. Thank You Again, sissy janey
Whatever this is, it's creeping me out. Enough! -Orsm |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ex slut
Here is another dumb slut for Ur site hope u can use it. [Her] name is April and she will fuck and suck anyone....... but I guess they all will hide details |
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ORSM VIDEO
A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on".
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7, you're on 6". He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again.
He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on". She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14, you are on 13". Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.
When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.
"I'm in sales". He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?" She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said "I sell tampons".
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh". He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you".
| LITTLE MISS GORGEOUS - TIFFANY TAYLOR |
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Two high school sweethearts had been dating for four years, they had enjoyed losing their virginity together, and they were inseparable until they graduated.
They had planned on going to college together, but he was accepted to a school on the west coast, and she was accepted to a school on the east coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and to spend anytime they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return his letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around.
He didn't take this very well, so he increased the number of phone calls, letters and e-mails in an attempt to save their relationship. She became very annoyed with this when she started seeing a new fellow, and she wanted to get the old boyfriend off her back, so she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone!"
Needless to say, he was heartbroken, and very ticked off. So... he wrote a note on the back of her photo: "Dear Mum and Dad, having a great time at college. Please send more money!" ... and then mailed the picture to her parents.
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Jim is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.
The blonde realises he is staring and inquires "Are you looking at my pussy?" "Yes, I'm sorry," says Jim and promises to avert his eyes. "It's quite alright" replies the woman "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you". Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.
Jim, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do. "I can also make it wink" says the woman. Jim stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me" suggests the woman, patting the seat. Jim moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?" Stunned, Jim replies "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"
| FLIGHT CREW REST AREAS |
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Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies.
That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep. When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.
The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mum you always told me if something hurts I should scream". "That's true".
She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?" The daughter replied "Mum you always said that if something tickled you should laugh". "That's also true".
Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?" The youngest daughter replied "Mum you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full".
| PARIS DAHL |
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Since his wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband decides to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable 'mistake' which might happen, for he has been desperate for sex for quite a while now...
Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curled up on the floor, eyes staring widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire. Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to him.
She says... "Awww honey you're so depressed. Here, take this and go to the woman next door, and she will let you sleep with her tonight. But remember that this happens only once... okay? Don't ever talk about it or ask me to do this again".
The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly.
A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says with much disappointment, "She said this isn't enough, she wants sixty dollars..." The wife's face slowly turns red with anger "Damn that bitch... when she was pregnant and her husband came over here... I only charged him fifty..."
ORSM
VIDEO
And that's that. Join me next week for a whole new update but until then all the answers to your questions can be found below...
- Check out the site archives. I'm only gonna tell you once...
- Next update will be at some point between Wednesday and Friday but not either of those days.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray bring you to the brink of orgasm... and then stop before you get there.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and do what I tell you. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2011.08.18-19.18 |
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Selamat datang ke Orsm.net.
Was bound to happen. Two of the best weeks in living memory tainted by a fierce dose of the flu. Whether it was coming from a warm, humid climate into a cold, wet one or just some sicky moron openly coughing in a confined plane cabin will never be known. Has been a common theme lately - picked up a nasty bug in Jakarta that left me pointing various body parts towards the toilet as a cornucopia of colours and substances exited my body uncontrollably. Still haven't quite recovered from that experience but now... now to mix it with a randomly fluctuating temperature, sore head, sore chest, blocked everything and a grinding cough, it's hard to not rip out frequent aww poor me's. Oh and while I'm at it - fuck chemists who won't sell over the counter drugs because the combination 'could' be dangerous. Apparently the fact I've been combining them all week with no adverse effects makes no difference.
The last few weeks have felt like a few months. Did a lot, saw a lot, experienced a lot. So starting with the Jakarta leg - was lucky enough to have friends living there who we stayed with. This made life easy. Don't think I'd like to do JK without having someone who knows their way around to guide me. The population swells to 12M during the week so things can feel a bit overwhelming, especially when coming from little old Perth. Basically everything is busy day and night.
I'd been told by several people that the traffic is insane. Truer words have never been spoken and there's no way to appreciate it until you're amongst it. If you see a gap, take it. Beyond that the rules are there are no rules... unless its midday and the cops want money to buy lunch. Motorbikes and scooters greatly outnumber cars too. They are just fucking everywhere and whilst there is no shortage of cars/vans/SUV's, they seem only to belong to expats and the wealthy. This of course creates a massive amount of pollution - only time I saw blue sky for 10 days is when we drove 90mins out of the city. The never-ending grey brought to mind the carbon tax debate and how no matter what we do it will make absolutely no difference.
One massive highlight was the food and service. Firstly, there is food everywhere. From the hotels to the streets to the malls - everywhere. Secondly, you can dine at the most amazing restaurants, eat the best food and be waited on by an abundance of staff and it barely touches the wallet. For example, two of us went to a stunning place, had starters, mains, soft drinks... total bill around the same as what one main meal would cost you somewhere vaguely comparable at home. And the wait staff were actually fast, friendly and attentive! This put things into perspective for me massively. The night after I got back we went out to a club. Ordered a beer only to watch the barslut casually shuffle around more interested in showing off her unimpressive cleavage. The difference between her and the average Indonesian in the same job is she earns in 4 hours what they earn in a month and took twice as long.
While I'm on restaurants, cafes etc - free Wi-Fi everywhere [made up for the shocking 3G coverage] and you can smoke in all of them. You're given the choice of smoking/non-smoking. No big brother, nanny state bullshit trying to control the masses. Venues have times when the beer and wine are on the house too... haven't seen that at home for years. You can even buy fireworks legally. Blow your shit up then too bad. The onus is on personal responsibility but talk to any local and they'll tell you they feel free.
My only complaint/annoyance/grievance about Jakarta is managing to find myself there to coincide with the start of Ramadan. Indonesia is the world's most populous Muslim country so probably not that surprising to get a 4am wakeup call every morning from the local mosque blasting Allan Akbar's greatest hits at maximum volume on a very, very shitty loudspeaker. Apparently the volume reflects the size of gratuity they wish to illicit from the housing compound management which obviously worked because the sound level decreased over subsequent days.
Kind of running out of space so final thoughts go something along the lines of - Jakarta is an incredible city, albeit not very touristy. The size means you couldn't cover a fraction of it even with a shit load of time there. Everything [except maybe booze] is ridiculously cheap. The people are friendly and generous and engaging like I've never seen and don't have the self-entitled mentality that I now realise we as Aussies do. By a long shot, more is wrong than is right, it's filthy, constantly humid, corrupt and grossly unsustainable but the contrasts to home are enormous and I'd give my left nut to live there for a few years.
There's a bunch of pics from in and around JK if you scroll down. Mostly just Taman Safari and a China Town photo tour we did. Highly recommend both if you're ever there. Aaaaaand enough about that. Let's get on with things. Don't really want to oversell it but this is probably the best update you'll ever see. Check it...
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My wife is pissed off with me again. I crept into the bedroom last night and swapped her tampon for a party popper. No sense of humour.
--
The woman across the road had the police round to report the fact someone's been stealing her underwear off the washing line... I just about shit her pants!
--
A little old man went into a drug store to buy Viagra. He says "Can I have six tablets and can you cut them into quarters for me?" "I can cut them into quarters, sir" says the pharmacist "but a quarter won't give you a full erection." "I don't mind" says the old man. "I'm 96 and don't have any use for an erection. I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my feet".
--
A man picks up a hooker from a street corner and takes her back to his room. Hooker strips off all her clothes and falls back onto the bed, but all he does is stand there and stare at her. "What, honey" says the slutfeast "is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one?" "No," said the john, "it's just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into!"
--
I spent three hours at the wife's grave this afternoon... bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.
--
The other day I asked my mate when it's legal to have sex with young girls. He said "I think it's alright when they've finished school". Apparently 3pm isn't what he meant.
--
I got in from work to find my wife dressed only in her nightie. In a husky voice she whispered "I'm going to bed... I've got laryngitis".
ORSM
VIDEO
A truck driver hauling a tractor trailer filled with computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door reading, "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter at Your Own Risk". He enters the bar and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs him, says he smells kind of nerdy, and asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says okay, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
Shocked, the truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and now they are in season. "You don't even need a license," he said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. Remembering what had happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver says, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season". "Well, sure," says the patrolman, "but you can't bait 'em".
| AUDREY AND RILEY |
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CHILDREN WRITE ABOUT OCEANS
-This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. --Kelly, age 6
-Oysters' balls are called pearls. --Jerry, age 6
-If you are surrounded by ocean, you are on an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. --Mike, age 7
-Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson She's not my friend any more. --Kylie, age 6
-A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. --Billy, age 8
-My uncle goes out in his boat with two other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. --Millie, age 6
-When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. --William, age 7
-Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? --Helen, age 6
-I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my dad keeps yelling at my mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. --Amy, age 6
-Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. --Christopher, age 7
-When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold and it makes my willy small. --Kevin, age 6
-On vacation my mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. --Julie, age 7
-The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. --Bobby, age 6
-My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mum. --James, age 7
| JAKARTA |
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Many years ago a farmer couple gave birth to a son. They named him 'Odd'. When Odd began going to school all of his classmates teased him because of his name. He finally graduated and got a factory job, and once again all of his co-workers would poke fun at his name.
Finally, he got married and lived and worked a farm, since he could not take being around people teasing him about his name.
When he hit 50, he told his wife that he was fed up from going through life with his name. He told her when he died that would end it. No one would ever make fun of him again. He requested that his wife not put his name on his headstone, only the date he was born and the date he died.
About 20 years later the poor farmer died. His wife wanted to honour his wishes and purchased his headstone with no name engraved - just the date he was born and the date he died. Today when mourners visit the cemetery, they walk by and look at his headstone and see there is no name on the headstone, they always say "Isn't that Odd?"
ORSM
VIDEO
ROMANCE NOVEL [2011 VERSION]
He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. "Just relax". Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.
I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage.
And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties. Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought...a man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say... "Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now.
| FACIALS |
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A little old lady walks into a neighbourhood vegetable market. She says "Luigi, I will take 3lbs of tomatoes, 5lbs of potatoes, 1/2 dozen oranges and 6 bananas".
Luigi says "Looka lady, we ain't got no bananas. The lady then says "Thats okay Luigi, I am changing my order. You better make that 7lbs of tomatoes, 1 dozen of oranges, 10 lbs. of potatoes and I really need 9 bananas.
Luigi says "Looka lady, I been a telling you we got no bananas. The lady says "That's okay Luigi, I am changing my order. Give me 5lbs of tomatoes, 10 lbs. of potatoes, 1/2 dozen oranges, 5 lbs. of grapes and you better make that 12 bananas.
Luigi says "Looka lady, ifa you takea the 'to' out of tomato, what do you got?" The lady says 'Mato'. Luigi says "If you takea the 'po' out of potato, what do you got?" The lady says 'Tato'. Luigi says "Good, and ifa you takea the 'fuck' out of banana, what do you got?" The lady says "There ain't no fuck in banana". Luigi says "Thatsa what I have been trying to tellin you - there ain't no fuckin' bananas".
| THE ART OF CARRYING LOADS |
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READER MAIL
I'm actually surprised that RM made it into the update - from when I left until when I got back, there was a smidge under 1400 new emails to get through. Although I considered it, the downside of leaving them another week may have seen that blowout to god only knows what at which point all you can really do is CTRL-A and hit delete. Lucky for you guys my work ethic is unflappable and doing so would've deprived the masses from some very cool submissions.
And because I like pain - ever submitted to Orsm before? It's not a big deal, your email doesn't have to be a big production - just click here and send me your shit. What am I looking for? Well obviously the more highly entertaining, thought provoking, sardonic, everything/nothing the better but I'll happily settle for boobs, jokes, random pics and funny videos. Simply click here to make it happen.
John wrote:
Subject: Google Spelling!!!
In your 7/21 update under interesting facts you say that google is a name for a number with a bunch of zeroes. Actually, it's spelled googol, and there's an interesting story about this. When those two guys started google, they had a lunch date with a possible investor for their start up. After they laid out their ideas to the investor, he said he liked their plan and would be willing to invest, and who do I make the check out to. They had always thought that this would be a good name for their company.... A name with an infinite number, except they didn't know how to spell googol. So, in the restaurant parking lot after lunch the check was made out to "Google". The rest is history. |
Jeff wrote:
Subject: Ms. Sprint Cup Nude Pics
Orsm, Short and to the point: Ms. Sprint Cup was fired for nude pics taken while she was in college. Attached is the link to those pics. Enjoy! As always, hide my email. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: rs pics info
ha ha! the girl in this pic is named debbie. she slings cold beers at strokersdallas.com and is on the bikini team also. i have known her for about 10 years... not to bad for aftermarket boobs huh? hide the deets please! |
Andy wrote:
Subject: Really old cars
Considering that a car starts out life as dirt (metal ore, sand, etc), this is sort of ironic. Ashes to ashes. |
Monsoon Spur wrote:
Subject: Tits!!
Hey orsm, some E cup size tits for you and your orsm fans. Enjoy
Holy fucking tits! -Orsm |
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Kirumburu wrote:
Subject: Expensive Pile Up
Hi ORSM, This has been doing the rounds, I wonder if you've seen it? If not post, if you have, post it anyway. If you dont, far cough! Hundreds of tourists watched as the woman ploughed her £250,000
Bentley Azure into supercars in Monaco. The driver and her two passengers then had the humiliation of being surrounded by scores of sightseers as they tried to open the car's jammed doors. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: FB cameltoe
Random, FB, no deets etc....
Surely that's uncomfortable... -Orsm |
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naes wrote:
Subject: Mobile phones
I never actually saw any of these in Australia but had heard they existed in the USAland...
The latest Hipster 'must-have'. -Orsm |
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|
Kiss Gábor wrote:
Subject: the best boat name
Hello mr Orsm! I found the best boat name in port of Balatonfüred(Hungary)!!!!
Ran this through Google and 'clitoris' does infact translate to 'clitoris' in Hungarian. Ie. No case of Hungrish here. -Orsm |
Nalla wrote:
Subject: Hillbillies with guns
Yes, in America we have the right to bare arms... and as long as you haven't gotten caught doing anything bad, guys like this end up with weapons. Love your site, 10 yr reader. It keeps our marriage spicy |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Census
Gotta love my Girlfriend ( Withold name please ) |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: logo
The new 2012 Olympic logo |
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Darren wrote:
Subject: London Riots
Hello Orsm, You may have heard about the London/UK riots that we've been having over here in Blighty. But I saw this on Sky and had a giggle. Even the Met Police are having a sneeky go at looting! 'ave it! |
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|
Ashley wrote:
Subject: FB
Say hello to my leetle friend!
Someone should tell the black chick she looks like a mushroom. -Orsm |
Jeff wrote:
Subject: Photo submission
Hi Orsm. Just love your site, been a fan for years, do me a favour and post this great shot of my nephew Dan. He loves Superman and practiced for hours to get this right from a diving board on holiday |
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mal wrote:
Subject: Blue screen at KLIA
Had to laugh cuz KLIA airport Malaysia is one of the top airport in the world. First thing was your site that popped up in my mind Mr. Orsm. Cheers mate. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: an old Slut
This is a old slut Girlfriend.. from Queensland please keep my idendity secret please??? |
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SEYMORE wrote:
Subject: MORE FROM SEYMORE
Chinese toilet paper factory
There are some things I won't compromise on. Toilet paper is one of them. -Orsm |
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gordon wrote:
Subject: Girlfriend Pics
Hey Orsm. Hope you enjoyed your trip. Here are some more pics of my awesome Indian girlfriend. Enjoy! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Helicopter contractor has some troubles at ENI Blacktip
Not a good day for CHC. Apparently peppered a couple of planes on the ground carrying NOPSA Inspectors and ENI Australian President. Planes were grounded with a large number of shrapnel holes. Check out the one of the rotor blade hitting the pole (Ouch!!!!) |
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John Denver wrote:
Subject: Pictures of naked wife
Hey Mr. Orsm, Long time viewer...blah blah....Great site. These are some pictures of the wife (shared with her consent). You can publish our email address, as we would really like to hear people's comments on these pictures - from guys and especially girls :D (she really likes to hear what they would do to her :) ). In case you are curious me and the wife are both of Indian origin living in the first world and are both in our late 20s. :). Her tits are delicious with very sensitive nipples and she loves to be spanked :) |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: your blog is the best...
Not that I know much about these things, but I have been entertained by your for years now and I hope you cuntinue! I may not know shit, but i always get a few laughs at how fucked up your shit is and itr makes me feel better! I havent had much to contribute except a few witty comments- however i keep a camera on my shoulder everytime I go out... Manhattan, Jones Beach, Pocono Raceway, etc..and I just love tits...all shapes and sizes, so I have a pretty nice collection of clothed women with lots of sweater meat, pointy nipples, etc... for your viewing pleasure! Would that be ORSM worthy? If so, I'd be happy to share. Just drop me a line when you return from your latest adventure and again...please do not forget any of the details! |
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Rick wrote:
Subject: New Tactical Guard Dog for My House
Got a dog to guard my house. It was a little more than I thought I should
pay, but I think when word gets out we'll be a relatively crime free
neighbourhood. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: when moving out of your apartment, remember to take all your stuff
Because your landlord will send someone to clean it after you're gone. And
they will take anything remotely valuable. Including the portable hard drive you left under the desk. With lots of personal information... as well as pictures of this hottie. Anyway, long time fan (almost since the beginning), just never had anything to contribute until today. :) |
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jim wrote:
Subject: great ebay ad
i fear this listing may be finished by the time you are back on deck, which is a pity cos this guy has a great sense of humor |
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Ross wrote:
Subject: check this video out - Falcon XY GTHO at Bathurst.
Three laps of the greatest race track in the Southern Hemisphere (Mt Panorama at Bathurst, Australia) in the greatest car to ever race on that track - the mighty Ford Falcon XY GTHO. I don't care if you are a Holden "nut" or a Ford fan ... this is awesome - the sound is just brilliant. 9 minutes of good old Aussie grunt !! During the race, you will see some old and very old classic racers - including a 1957 Ford Customline - see if you can pick it. MUST have sound.....turned WAY up. |
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ricky wrote:
Subject: I just Songified something awesome!
just a little song i made with songify for iphone! quite an entertaining app! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Burnout fail
A friend of mine filmed this at the pub. Beer and motorcycles don't mix. Please hold the details if you use. Love the site man, been coming for years. |
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ORSM VIDEO
THINGS TO PONDER
-Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
-Why is it that no matter what colour of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
-Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
-Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialised?
-On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message 'one slice'? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?
-Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
-Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?
-How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?
- Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
-When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart than apologises for doing so, why do we say "It's all right?" When, it isn't all right.
-Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
-Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
-In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
-How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?
-If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?
-The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.
| ALYSSA AND LEXI GET THEIR VAGINAS OUT |
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After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.
"Doctor," the man said "I don't mind telling you, I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!" "Nonsense" the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be - our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations." "Well," said the doctor "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"
The man seemed a bit ashamed.
"I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months." "Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust".
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A woman is very distressed because she has not been married very long, and yet her husband has lost interest in having sex. So, she goes to see her doctor, and relays the problem.
The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that this is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal instincts. The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report.
A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is. "He's dead," she replies. "Dead?" the doctor asked. "What happened?" The woman replied, "He was sitting on the driveway licking his balls, and I backed over him with the car".
| SIMONE STYLE IN EVERY HOLE |
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An Arizona Department of Safety Officer pulled over a pick-up truck owner for a faulty taillight. When the officer approached the driver, the man behind the wheel handed the officer his driver's license, insurance card and a concealed weapon carry permit.
The officer took all the documents, looked them over and said. "Mr Smith, I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons with you?" The driver replied " Yes sir, I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a .45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot."
The officer looked at the driver and asked "Anything else?" "Yes sir, I have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 behind the seat."
The officer asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range and the man said he wasn't, so the officer bent over and looked into the driver's face and said "Mr Smith, you're carrying quite a few guns. May I ask what you are afraid of?" Mr Smith locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered "Not a fucking thing!"
ORSM
VIDEO
And we are MF'ing done. Pretty sure I'm getting sicker which is far from ideal, has landed me in trouble with certain people and could potentially ruin the weekend. NOT. HAPPY. JAN.
- Check out the site archives. ... or don't. I'm not the boss of you.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Oh yessiree...
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will not retract his hurtful comments.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and get your ass to Mars. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
|
| orsmupdate 2011.08.11-18.84 |
|
Welcome to Orsm.net. Insert fart joke.
If all has gone to plan then I should be in Singapore right now on the last day of my vacation. My first visit there [here?] since I was a child and hopefully having the time of my life. What I most remember about Singapore was how modern the place was compared to home and, according to various friends, that is still the case. Hopefully I'll have worked that out for myself by this point because the past and future tenses are killing me. Anyway... like a couple of updates back where I cheated and posted a whole bunch of jokes in place of my compelling, must-read, really-makes-you-think blog, today is more of the same. Am almost wondering if you guys prefer this to the crap I normally crap on about. Feel free to let me know on that one but in the interim - check it...
Young Jimmy was taking confession when he told the priest that he was having impure thoughts about his sister. "Is this a sin, Father?" he asked. The priest nodded and said "Yes Jimmy, indeed it is a sin. Look at the two beautiful brothers you have".
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A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a mobile phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun" he says "How do you like your new phone?" She replies "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though". "What's that, baby?" asks the husband. "How'd you know I was at K-mart?" she quietly replied...
--
After no dates or sex for five years a woman goes to see Chinese expert sex therapist Dr Chang. He says "Harro! Take off all your croase, get down and craw reery reery fast to otherside room. She does "Okay craw reery reery fast back". As she did Dr Chang shook his head".Yor probrem vewy vewy bad, worse case Ed Zachary disease I ever sor, dat why u get no man". She says "God, what's Ed Zachary disease?" Dr says "Is when your face look Ed Zachery like your arse!"
--
Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mummy, mummy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother. "He thinks a lot" replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness. Until, that is, Johnny thought for a second and asked "So why do you have so much hair?"
--
A customer in a coffee shop says to the sexy blonde waitress "I'd like a cup of coffee, no cream". The waitress writes the order on her pad, then goes away. After 10 minutes the beautiful, but not too bright, blonde waitress returns. She says to the customer "I'm sorry sir, we are out of cream. Would you want your coffee without milk instead?"
--
A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso. The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows. "You wanna wank?" she asked. "You bet" came the excited reply. "Okay" she said "I come back in ten minutes".
--
Doug stumbled into the bar and after several drinks confided to his friend Bill "The next time I give her the ultimatum 'Fuck or Walk' I must remember to be in my own car and not hers".
--
"My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she'd have killed him if we hadn't stopped her". "He must have made her very angry peeking at her huh?" "No, that's not what made her the maddest". "It's not?" "No, she got mad when he reached in the window and closed the curtains".
--
I had met this beautiful woman in a club and we got dancing, she suddenly put her hand on my crotch and said "Oh my! You are a big boy! You're certainly hiding something down there" then gave me a cheeky smile. "Thanks" I said "Most girls think it's weird that I bring my guinea pig out clubbing".
--
Doctor asks a pregnant prostitute "Do you know who the father is?" she replied. "For goodness sakes, if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"
--
Paddy has just won a small gardening competition and the prize was either a Spade or a Fork. He was confused when sked to take his pick.
--
My mate said "Isn't it funny how when a woman is giving birth to a child she is in the same position as when she conceived it?" I said "No not really, I don't remember my missus hanging blindfolded swinging from the lampshade when she was giving birth to our kids".
--
I was approached by Beyonce who had just finished her set at Glastonbury. She said "Excuse me hon. You haven't seen my phone have you? It's pink with a 'Bubblicious' cover on it". I said, "No, sorry. Have you tried calling it?" She said "No. I put it on silent before my gig". I said "If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it".
Don't even think about paying for porn on the
net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on
the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn?
Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us
who get
it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and
accept paying for porn the less free
porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!
It's Game Time - Sexy Self-Shot - So Fucking Hot - How To Get Laid - Very Gay - Lesbian Action - College Fuckers
Motorboat This! - Hot Cam Babe - I Need A BBW - Cashed Up - Dude Please No - LiLo's Baby Sis - Epic Taco Time
El Badass - Javagasm - What A Riot! - Sex Music - Choked Out - I Would Fuck - Parenting Fail - Huge Explosion
The cowboy from Louisiana says "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns, with my bare hands". The cowboy from Arkansas couldn't stand to be bested. "Why I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands and bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. I'm still here today!" The Aussie remained silent, slowly stirring the burning hot coals with his penis.
--
I called my stockbroker and asked him what I should be buying. He said "If the current government is in power much longer... canned goods, rice, and ammunition are your best bet".
--
There was a couple going at it for the first time, and they were going at it for a while when the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider. She does and they continue. A few minutes go by and he asks her again "Open your legs a little wider". She does then he asks again "A little wider hun". The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it. Till finally he asks again, "Can you open them just a little wider?" So she finally yells "what are you trying to do get your balls in too?" He says "no, I'm trying to get them out".
--
Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good... mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit". Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother".
ORSM
VIDEO
TIME FOR MORE OF DARWIN'S FINEST
NOMINEE #1
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
NOMINEE #2
James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck". Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft".
NOMINEE #3
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
NOMINEE #4
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.
NOMINEE #5
Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
NOMINEE #6
A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of muzzle-loader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
NOMINEE #7
A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. "Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred," said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said.
NOMINEE #8 - THE WINNER!
Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog-catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 calibre bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge. After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exited the pavement, and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will now never operate as intended. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.
| GORGEOUS LESBIANS: SANDY AND MARLIE |
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The victim of an awful car accident was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital, and the emergency nurse was ordered to prepare the body for the undertaker. Removing his clothes, she discovered that the young man had died with the most massive ERECTION she had ever seen. Unable to take her eyes off it, she finally yielded to temptation, took off her panties, straddled the stiff and proceeded to enjoy herself.
She was just getting down from the table when a second nurse came in and saw her and promptly reprimanded her for her obscene behaviour.
"What's the harm?" shot back at the other nurse. "I enjoyed it, and HE surely didn't mind it. Besides, he can't complain and I can't get pregnant. Why don't YOU give it a try too?" "Oh, I can't possibly," said the second nurse, blushing. "First, he's dead and second, I've got my period. Anyway, listen, the doctor wants you".
And so the first nurse left. The second nurse got to work, but soon found herself terribly excited by this massive hard-on and finally climbed on top of it. Just as she was starting to cum, she was astonished to feel the man climax too!
Looking down and seeing his eyelids starting to flutter, she exclaimed in shock, "I thought you were dead!""Lady, I thought I was too," said the man, "until you gave me that blood transfusion".
RANDOM SHITE
Part #1 of RS this week is a veritable compendium of what's right, what's wrong and what's whatever with the world. Check it...
A man walked into an HMO and the receptionist asked him what he had. "Shingles," he said. So she took down his name, address and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. "Shingles," he said. So she took down his height, weight, complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.
A half-hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. "Shingles," he said. So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test and an electrocardiogram. Then she told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. "Shingles," he said. "Where?" the doctor asked. "Outside in the truck. Where do you want 'em?"
ORSM VIDEO
If all goes according to plan this will be the last update Reader Mail is in absentia. If the reasoning had eluded you - I'm taking a few weeks off and sorting through hundreds of submissions and cobbling them into what you guys know as the weekly mail section is not particularly how I want to spend my time whilst away. That of course isn't to say you should cease SMTP bombardment - without an influx of bits and bobs there wouldn't be much to look at. So... anything from funny videos, amateur pornography, random shite, jokes, money, drugs, property, weapons, anything and/or everything is most welcome. Simply click here to make it happen.
To keep you enthralled in the meantime is a handpicked selection of the finest videos the web has to offer. Check it...
Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
| PARTY GIRLS |
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|
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle. I'm still a virgin". "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband number 1 was a Sales Rep. He kept telling me how great it was going to be".
"Husband number 2 was a Programmer. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me".
"Husband number 3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up".
"Husband number 4 was in Telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver".
"Husband number 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method".
"Husband number 6 was from Administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not".
"Husband number 7 was in Marketing. Although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it".
"Husband number 8 was a psychiatrist. All he ever did was talk about it".
"Husband number 9 was a gynaecologist. All he did was look".
"Husband number 10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God, I miss him!"
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!" "Wonderful," said the husband "But why?" "You're with the government... this time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"
| BEFORE AND AFTER METH |
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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!
ORSM VIDEO
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super".
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground".
She calmly turned her head and said "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one".
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, bitch!"
| BRANDY TALORE'S EPIC BOOBS |
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A bloke goes into the Job Centre in London and sees an advertisement for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.
"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the girl behind the desk. The assistant sorts through her files and replies. "Oh, yes, here it is. Okay the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help the ladies out of their clothes and underwear, lie them down and gently wash their nether regions. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecological examination. There's a starting annual salary of £85,000, but you're going to have to go to Glasgow".
"Oh, why? Is that where the job is?" he asks. "No" replied the assistant, "that's the end of the queue".
RANDOM SHITE
Part deux... check it...
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There was a Jewish man who did circumcisions on small Jewish baby boys. He had been doing it for years and all the time collected the foreskins from all the babies. He had quite a lot, then one day walked past a shop that had the following sign in the window: We Can Make Anything Out Of Anything - Just Bring The Material.
So the Jewish man went in and asked them to make a purse from the foreskins he had collected. He was told to go back in a week's time when it would be ready.
A week later, he returned to the shop to collect the purse. He complemented the shopkeeper for doing such a fine job and asked how much he owed him.
"$50" said the shopkeeper. "$50, for such a small purse, you must be joking! How come it's so expensive?" The shopkeeper replied "Ah, you see this is no ordinary purse... if you rub it, it turns into a suitcase!"
| THE DELICIOUS RENA SKY |
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|
Mandlebaum receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.
He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck.
When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck.
His room is only a buck a day! The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.
When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees... "Golf: $1. 00. Dinner: $1.00. Room: $1.00. Sleeve of golf balls: $395. He hits the ceiling!
Calling over to the manager, he asks, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me $395 for three golf balls?" I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost".
"Well," said the man, "if I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a $400 dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!" "That's right, sir, you could have," said the manager. "Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Well...
- Check out the site archives. One day I'll stop saying it and then what will you do...?
- Next update will be next Thursday. Provided I don't 'accidentally' miss my flight and 'unfortunately' have an additional week of holidays...
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will clench a roll of coins in his hand before using his fist to punch you repeatedly in the face.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and hate the player not the game. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2011.08.04-18.42GMT+7 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. You are not the contents of your wallet.
I umm'd and ahh'd over how to handle the blogging duties whilst away. REALLY didn't want to spend time sitting on my laptop blogging whilst visiting faraway lands when I could be off getting drunk or exploring or whatever so with much trepidation I asked my friend Ray to come up with something. I attached some conditions [such as retaining full editorial control] which was wise considering Ray's abysmal spelling and grammar but after a lengthy spell-check and clean-up what you find below may actually be fit for consumption...
It's been a while since I've had the (mis)fortune of gracing the blog of Orsm.net. Perhaps (un)lucky for all involved, Mr Orsm is once again on a holiday. I really think he's fulfilling a lifelong dream to spend over $500 in one meal at KFC and as a result is now some sort of half man half chicken hybrid.
At least it gives me a break from the constant calls and text messages asking me to add him on <insert name> Social Networking or give him relationship advice. Don't you hate it when you have those randoms that add you, only to fill your news feed with bullshit or themselves never speaking a word to you - just adding you for "numbers".
I personally get fucked off with the self-esteem lacking morons that feel the requirement to utilize social networking as a means in which to add as many friends as possible in an effort to stroke their own "acceptance" ego. Sure, it's cliché and I'm pretty sure everyone you know has mentioned this, but I take a particular disdain and get somewhat fucked off at taking a shit, signing into FB with my phone and reading that some cunt I've never met in my life has added a further 20,000 contacts whom of which they've never met. It's not long later that I delete them, wondering why I bothered in the first place.
Social networking is an odd space, with the prerequisite for most females on there to have photos of their tits out at the usual isometric 40-60' angle. There seems to be this idea that if you have your tits out, that makes instantly more desirable. I suppose for the majority of losers and unfuckables out there it works, but the major turn off is finding out that past the tits - this self-esteem lacking hood rat / gangy slut has little more to offer then her illegitimate children will offer to the working society. I always wonder for those who have the more classless photos, usually the type with the g-string hiding only half of a shit stained asshole - if they ever wonder what will be asked when their kids are old enough to find them?
Speaking of assholes, the government is going to brandish us with yet another tax - this one to satisfy the fears and needs of the populace to protect the environment. Don't get me wrong, I've downsized from an "economical for its size" modern 6000cc (that's 366ci for you imperialists) V8 back to a 2000cc (that's a bottle of juice for you imperialists) 4 pot - but it wasn't about the environment. It was about dodging the potentials of higher enforced running costs and fuel prices. What a fucken load of hot cock.
The part I love the most is that they tell us the bullshit story that such taxes and ETS will somehow make entire industries work towards a greener tomorrow and look for better ways of doing the same things - well considering in this state at least the Coal Power plants are owned by a government owned company, I will be sitting on the fence waiting for their replacement with beautiful and clean geothermal plants. Think it's going to happen? You'd be a stupid cunt if you did, I'd say the few hundred million each year in extra running costs thanks to the tax will just be handed down to the consumer.
That fucks me off. Let's talk about something else. There's a viral video getting around about an alleged alien body found frozen in Siberia. I have to ask, sure there's gotta be intelligent life out there, but why is it whenever it comes here it's always naked? If I was given a space craft capable of intergalactic flight I would damn well want some fucking clothes to go with it. I guess that goes without being said, there's some good content in this update and I can say that this time around - I don't want any clothes to go with it. So sit back, relax, get your packet of Cheezels ready and rub your tackle orange and scroll down for this weeks update!
Don't even think about paying for porn on the
net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on
the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn?
Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us
who get
it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and
accept paying for porn the less free
porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!
Lost Ur Marbles - Girls FAIL - Big Ass Nigga - Killer Boobs - Highway Fuck - Awesomeness - Brazil Booty - Barely 18
Beach Biffo - Sexy Rosie - Pandemonium - Rebecca Black - Cock Out - Vegas Brawl - Man Boobs - Finger Bum
Rally Ownage - Served Fresh - Skittles Sex - Stowaway - Young Alco - Mega Brat - Shenanigans - Spank Me
What's the difference between a white fairy story and a black fairy story? A white fairy story starts: "Once upon a time". A black fairy story starts: "Aint no mutherfucker gonna believe dis shit!"
--
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again". The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
--
Todd was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend Jill walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"
"It's my mother-in-law" Todd replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her". "Cheer up" Jill said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law". Yeah" Todd answered. "But I got mine pregnant".
--
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of whiteout. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
--
Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would start to say something, his wife would say "And what's that supposed to mean?" Thus, Webster's Dictionary was born.
ORSM
VIDEO
THE RETIRED HUSBAND
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Mike. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Jeanette. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Jeanette to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Jeanette. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
NOTE: Mike died suddenly on Jan 26th of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Jeanette was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Mike, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
| REBECCA LINARES |
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Three men - a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in a car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen" the Devil started "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell".
The philosopher then stepped up "Okay give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings". With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat". The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said "The third hole from the right". "Wrong" said the idiot "it's from my arsehole". And the idiot went to Heaven.
RANDOM SHITE
The best RS pics are racy and pure with great fidelity to their respective terroirs. Such is this weeks Part #1. Check it...
I got a phone call from a mate last night. He had just got back from a day out in Sydney and told me that whilst there he'd acquired a brand new top of the range camera absolutely free.
I asked ''Where did you get that?'' He said, ''I met a very nice family from Japan whilst I was looking at the Opera House and was just passing the time of day with them.
After a few minutes I was about to go when the male member of the family asked me if I would mind taking a photograph of them and handed me his camera. They lined up as a group and were all smiling at the camera.
Just as I was about to click the button I shouted to them 'WAVE!' and they all rushed past me and I never saw them again...
ORSM
VIDEO
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy. So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, then you ask me one and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500" he says.
This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the net. He sends emails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
| RAVER BABES |
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A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that". "Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private".
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" "I can't piss out of it" he replied.
| LADDERS AND SCAFFOLD |
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ORSM VIDEO
Okay so still no Reader Mail but rest assured it will be back in a couple of weeks. Instead you guys get the motherload of new videos to help you pass the time and once you're finished perusing them it would be fan-fucking-tastic if you could take a moment to drop me a line with just about anything you can jam into an email and send down the internets. The want list includes [but is not limited to] pics of a horrible ex or delicious girlfriend, warped shit, crazy shit, funny shit, stinky shit, shit jokes, shit videos, shit, shitty shit, random shite or any other type of shit that can be transmitted by email. To do this is simple - just click here. Check it...
I have two dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Coles and was standing in line at the check-out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food.
I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door. Fad diets... why else would I buy dog food??
| AUDREY BITONI |
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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, saw it was a little low, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed," she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist" the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk". I know" she said "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came".
RANDOM SHITE
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First-year students at the vet school were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body".
For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention".
| BRIANNA LOVE |
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A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1am, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold". "I have a better idea" she replied "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married".
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good" she replied "Get your own fucking blanket".
After a moment of silence... he farted.
ORSM
VIDEO
Saying goodbye is always so hard but I'll give it a shot...
- Check out the site archives. There you'll find absolutely nothing of value except almost eleven years of porn, jokes, Random Shite, Reader Mail, blogs chronicling my life and whatever else it was that piqued my interest on the day plus a whole bunch of other interesting stuff. Did I mention it's all completely free to access too?
- Next update will be next Thursday from somewhere in Singapore... provided the internet isn't blocked because then the update may not come at all...
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will invite you to his house where he'll kill you before calling the police saying "I've just shot an intruder".
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and go deeper. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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