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| orsmupdate 2008.08.28-23.something |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. And THAT'S why you always leave a note...
My friend Ray takes over the blogging duties this week. Why-o-why have I subjected you to this? Because I'm heading to the farm for a few days so in the meantime sit back, relax and try not to be too critical of Ray's writing. He didn't do well in school...
Your friend Ray here. Mr Orsm has interrupted me from teaching mother fuckers lessons, doing his dirty work and generally being a cunt to everyone.
So I guess you're all wondering is Ray real or just a figment of Orsm's lame attempt at humour? Well the fact is, I do exist and I really DID spite all those people. I can tell a lot of you are sitting there doubting me but the fact is I'm like John Holmes and Chuck Norris put together. Except I'm bigger and harder.
Truth be told I am actually just a normal person with a normal life and recently proved this by being the truck driver for a family member to move 300kms to the golden east coast of Australia. Four trips back to back in the course of one day shifting a whole life. Have you ever noticed how much shit you have? You don't realise till you have to move house how much crap you've been hoarding. The best bit was about one and a half tonnes of the six tonne total load was my shit I'd left there in storage. Yeah, sorry about that.
By the end of the first 24 hours, I'd done about 2000kms and in true trucker style I was unshaven, swearing at other motorists, covered in meat pie and sausage roll packaging and literally balls deep in empty Redbull cans. It's what I like to call getting in touch with your trucker side. By 1am I was doing the final leg back to the coast and I was so spun I could see things running around on the road that weren't there. I knew at this point that I was one with nature, one with the universe, one with my truck. I called her Big Betty. Betty... the sweetest gal a guy ever knew.
Bullshit aside I crashed hard for about four hours of much needed sleep before having to get up at 6am the next morning, unloading the truck AGAIN and driving it another four hours back west to get the dogs. Can you imagine what it's like to have a fully loaded car with about a bee's dick of space left in the back seat over 300kms? It's shit.
And how much space is a bee's dick you wonder? It's about as much space as this guy's cock had as he pumped a bench with his massive Asian man rod. How about things in the foot wells so you have to sit in the middle of the seat? Now add a bull mastiff and a Rhodesian ridgeback, who decide the best approach is to lie on top of you, drool on you and ruin your clothes. I had a date that night. The look on her face when I rolled up in my dirty as fuck clothes with complimentary dog-drool soaked jeans was a fucking classic. Lucky for me it was a date with your mum who was more than happy to wash my clothes while I ploughed her on the washing machine. She had multiples that night. Actually she enjoyed herself a little too much so I stopped. That's the selfish kind of fuck I am.
Anyway let's get on with Orsm's update. Of course it will rock...
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Today an Aboriginal was found nailed to a tree, stabbed six times and shot twice. Police say it's the worst case of suicide they have ever seen.
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A car bomb was found outside Lakemba mosque today. Police have urged the public not to panic as they have managed to push it inside the mosque.
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Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, "Get this out of me, give me drugs!". She turns to the boyfriend and says "You did this to me you fucker!". He replied casually, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said, 'Fuck off it'll be too painful - now who's laughing?'"
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A recent study conducted by Wits University found that the average South African walks about 1200 kilometres a year. Another study by the South African Medical Association found that South Africans drink, on average, 100 litres of alcohol a year. This means, on average, South Africans get about 12 kilometres to the litre.
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President Bush is rehearsing his speech for the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games. He begins his remarks with, "Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!" Immediately his speech writer rushes over and whispers in the President's ear, "Mr. President, those are the Olympic rings. Your speech is underneath!"
| DANI... OOH LA LA |
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BAR ROOM ECONOMICS – HOW THE TAX SYSTEM WORKS
Suppose that every day, ten people go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:
The first four (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth (the richest) would pay $59.
So, that's what they decided to do.
The ten drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20." Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get their "fair share"?
They realised that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everyone's share, then the fifth and the sixth would each end up being paid to drink their beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each drinker's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay. And so:
The fifth person, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the drinkers began to compare their savings.
"I only got a dollar out of the $20," declared the sixth. She pointed to the tenth man, "but he got $10!" "Yes, that's right," exclaimed the fifth. "I only saved a dollar too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I did" "That's true!!" shouted the seventh. "Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks" "Wait a minute," yelled the first four in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor"
The nine drinkers surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
For those who understand, no explanation is needed. For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible!
ORSM VIDEO
An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?''
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we
were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha said, "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I
can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"Alright," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes...?"
| CELEBRITY NIP SLIPS |
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IDIOTS... THEY'RE EVEYWHERE!
IDIOT #1
We had to have the garage door repaired. The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one B&D made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two..." We haven't used this tradesman since...
IDIOT #2
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's drive thru window and I gave the teen a $20 note. Our total was $10.50, so I also handed her a fifty cents clunker. She said, "You gave me too much money." I said, "not really, but this way you can just give me ten dollars back."
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the fifty cents, and said "We're sorry but we can't do that kind of thing."
The teen then proceeded to give me back $9.50 in change. Do not confuse the teenagers at McD's.
IDIOT #3
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local council office to request the removal of the Kangaroo sign on our road.
The reason: "Too many kangaroos are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
IDIOT #4
My daughter went to a local Hungry Jack's and ordered a burger. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
IDIOT #5
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, and "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge"? To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
IDIOT #6
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged colleague of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
IDIOT #7
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear friend. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that animal-in-the-headlights stare.
IDIOT #8
I work with an individual who plugged her power board back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her computer would not turn on.
IDIOT #9
When my husband and I arrived at a dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side."
| GOT TO BE GAY |
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ORSM
VIDEO
A couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite, on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tosses his pants to his bride and says, "Here, put these on!"
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants!" she said. "That's right," said the husband, "And don't you forget it! I'm the one who wears the pants in this family!"
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes."
ORSM VIDEO
An elderly man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?" The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost a half million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 190 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly... WHOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 180 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 190 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the moped ploughs into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end!
The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, finds the old man still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a doctor... Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror..."
| VERY EN-GAUGE-ING |
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RANDOM SHITE
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags ripped, and every once in a while, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Madam, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag." "Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off - kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, why not make the best of it?" So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my garden pruners. Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I surprise him, and say, "Okay buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!"
"Well, that seems only fair...?" said the cop laughing. "Okay. Good luck! Oh by the way - what's in the other bag?" "Well, you know" said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -lo and behold!- there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"
Bill replied, "I have been in jail." "Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?" "Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?""Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled guilty. The darn judge gave me 30 days for perjury!"
| CONVERTIBLE FURNITURE |
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The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted. "An Ambulance just drove by."
"Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike..." "Looks like the Sanders are moving out" "Jason is on his skate board..."
After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!" Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a popsicle."
ORSM VIDEO
That's it for this week, dudes. I'm pretty sure all you bastards were absolutely and inconsolably devastated by the dropping of Reader Mail but as I write this it's actually Tuesday night and I'm in a mad rush to get this damn update finished so I can pack and be out the door first thing tomorrow. Anyway...
- Check out the site archives. Please.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Unless I decide not to come back... it could happen you know.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will do the update again next week...
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and make sure you save me a seat. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2008.08.21-23.20 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. That's why you've got no friends.
Sup dudes? Miss me? I know you did...
I got hair cut last week. Nothing remarkable about that except that it was the first one in a couple of months. I figure the thinning out looks less so with longer hair and now that I say that it occurs to me I've been doing the modern version of a comb over. Jesus. Anyway the notable part of all this was the exact same question from everyone: "Get a haircut?". "Oh my god what happened!?" I say clutching my scalp.
And now I think about that... my head must look ridiculous [more so than usual] because no one has made any other comment besides acknowledging a chop has taken place. Like when you come across someone with some sort of horrific deformity [like a ginger minger] and you go out of your way to talk about anything besides the deformity. I'm a monster.
Been having a laugh at the Brits this week for a number of reasons. We love you guys. Honestly we do but some of you bastards are insane. In a text book example of 'don't these people have anything better to do?' a bunch of Australia dwelling, whinging Poms took their racial discrimination case to the Advertising Standards Board over the use of 'Pom' in a beer campaign. Yes seriously. These cryfags are getting all pissy about a word in common usage and decided to waste a whole bunch of people's time complaining about it. In essence all they've done is perpetuate the stereotype and probably encourage people to say it even more. I certainly will. By the way, the case was dismissed, possibly for stupidity.
Secondly is all the gloating by the British over their Olympic medal count and more specifically beating Australia. Well what can you say about that? We're stoked for you guys but come on - Britain has roughly three times the population of Australia and it's taken until NOW to beat us? Wooo...
Stats. When you break down total medals per person according to population this is what we get [ie. one medal for every X people]: China = 16,319,159; US = 3,674,698; Ruskies = 2,958,517; Poms = 1,487,179; Aussies = 562,368. Admittedly a completely useless yet interesting statistic but proves that on some level WE WIN the 'limpics. What I'm trying to say here is - suck it.
Moving on... I've been pushed to the edge of insanity by my much loved pooch for the last couple of weeks. She's got some nasty rash apparently brought on by contact with a certain type of grass, coincidentally the same type of grass which surrounds the whole house.
So we hit the local vet who prescribed a plethora of tablets which made her fucking manic. Symptoms include excessive thirst, hunger and distinct inability to leave me alone. For some reason when she gets sick the attachment to me increases dramatically - I shuffle, stretch, walk, blink, fart, move whatever and she is under my feet and its driving me completely nuts. Typical female - needs to learn that SHE serves ME say and not the other way around...
Okay I can sense some of you falling asleep. My bog that bad huh? I guess you could do what everyone else does and scroll right past it. Anyway let's drop a bomb on this Thursday and get going. Check it...
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the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn?
Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us
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period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie
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Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes
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it now!
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Ann Angel - Outta My Way - Backflip Fail - Mac & Cheese - Sweet Heather - Lily's Nips - Ped Rage - 1 Arm Guitar
A little girl was standing at the edge of the road looking off the cliff crying. A man drove by and saw the little girl and pulled over. He got out of his car and asked the little girl what was wrong. The little girl said "my parents" while pointing at the bottom of the cliff. The man looks over the cliff and sees a car in flames. The man turns to the little girl, unzips his fly and says "Well today is not your day, is it?"
--
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? None, because feminists can't change anything.
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A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other female friends in addition to my fiancé, and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry". The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?" "I don't like her."
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I said to the wife, "I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick CUT'"
--
A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men". So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.
FATHER/DAUGHTER TALK
A young woman was about to finish her first year at university. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a Labor supporter. Among her other ideals, she was very much in favour of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.
She was deeply ashamed of her father who was a staunch Liberal, a feeling she openly expressed.
Based on the lectures that she had participated in and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years, harboured an evil selfish desire to keep what he thought, should be his.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes for the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing at university.
Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had passes in four subjects, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't have much time for friends because she spent all her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Clarisa doing?" She replied, "Clarisa is BARELY getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she has only two passes. But she is ever so popular on campus - everyone knows her. She's gets invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."
Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Chancellor's office and ask him to deduct one pass off you and give it to your friend who only has two passes. That way you will both have three passes and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of passes".
The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, 'That's a crazy idea, and how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Clarisa has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"
The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Labor party."
ORSM
VIDEO
- CLICK HERE TO SEE A TASTY BRUNETTE BABE GET FUCKED ULTRA HARD! -
A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realised he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.
He ended up finishing all eighteen.
He finished his round shooting a personal best 61 shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant, and then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.
He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed. The doctor started to snicker and said, "Just kidding! She died more than two hours ago. What'd you shoot?"
| BUFF BABES |
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READER MAIL
Lots and lots and lots of stuff to sort through this week... particularly to do with the Kangaroo boxing video posted last update. Absolutely tonnes of email about it from lots of outraged people.
Have you submitted today? High on the hit list and desired by Orsm readers the world over pics of you doing silly things, Ex girllfriend porn, fucked up videos, car stuff, cool stuff, funny ha-ha jokes and pretty much anything else you can strap to an email and send down the internets. All you must do is click here and make it happen.
Tony wrote:
Subject: Kangaroo boxing/Outback sport
Orsm,
Couldn't agree more with your 'not cool' comment about the yahoos
beating up a Kangaroo. What men .... blinding the thing with a spotlight and then punching it ....
Sick fuckers ... even if the 'Roos are a pest.
What is redneck in Strine anyway?
What else passes for sport in the outback?
Maybe I shouldn't ask. |
ian wrote:
Subject: piece of shit hitting the kangaroo
why dont you release the fuckin piece of shit details so we can go fucking smash the shit outta him, stupid little fucker he is |
John wrote:
Subject: The dude boxing the kangaroo..
Hey orsm, I watched the video of the guy fighting the kangaroo...that's fucking ridiculous. Let that guy know he's giving a bad name to Aussie's everywhere. Luckily we have people like you that can redeem the name of Australians! Tell him to come to Minnesota, USA so he can get some of what he was giving. |
Paul wrote:
Subject:
Kangaroo
Mr. ORSM, I love your site but I was fucking pissed off seeing that jackass beating on that Kangaroo in this week's update. I think that fucker should have his nuts pulled off while he is awake and with out pain killers. Do me a favor and let me have that fucks email, so I can let him know how most people feel about that.
Or if you won't do that then tell him I am sending the file to a local group who prosecutes animal abusers. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Eloise Mignon from Neighbours?
Can't confirm as no other photos have come forth. Some bullshit story about her being double-teamed with her brother and some other bloke. Please do not publish my details.
Hmmm... looks EXACTLY like her... -Orsm
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Brock wrote:
Subject: emailing
i found the Apprentices hard at work running down the street on google street
Definitely tongue involved in that first pic. No doubt about it. -Orsm
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Shane wrote:
Subject: Just Brilliant!
Non league footie fans at their finest. The goalie had just let in a soft goal. Welling Utd v Maidstone |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: ORSM photo's
G'day Orsm. saw these 2 cars in Richmond Vic recently. Thought you might get a kick out of the reg. keep my details private
Everyone wants to be like me... -Orsm
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James wrote:
Subject: emailing
Hi Orsm, Saw this car while shopping in Bond Street, Central London.
Why...? Seriously why? -Orsm
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Michael wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Saw these at a WalMart in Greeley, Colorado. Not quite sure who's saving here...
A bargain at thrice the price! -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Safety Warning!
Hi. Long time visitor, first time contributor. This was published in the Mt Gambier SA local paper last week. A nice bit of advice don't you think! Cheers and great work on the site. Andrew. Do not clean you lawnmower in your bedroom while smoking! Community Warning |
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Tiny wrote:
Subject: Funny drop of solder
This is a photo of a tiny drop of solder that fell off my soldering iron on the weekend. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw it. It's about 3mm long as you can see by the scale behind it.
Anyone else turned on by this or is it just me? -Orsm
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Dale wrote:
Subject: Sydney aquarium
Hey, you might have seen something like this allready not sure, but yeah i took this photo in the syd aquarium the other day :) |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: this is some pics of my ex (fuckin slut)
her name is theresa aka stalker crazy bitch ... pay backs a bitch... please hold my email info... |
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brian wrote:
Subject: nice...
Here Ya Go....watching your site for awhile..... friend saw this heavy on a bike.
Now that's a lot of crack. Someone should check it for Maddy. -Orsm |
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derrel wrote:
Subject: Oklahoma Cattle Transport
Sometimes you just have to make do with the equipment you have. Pontiac - Built Oklahoma Tough
Moo-ving violation? Boom-TSSSSH. -Orsm |
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Daniel wrote:
Subject: thought ud like these pics
Saw this crash on the weekend in canning vale!
Cannot work that out... who drove under/over who...? -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: found photos
Hey Dude, Love the site................... Found a memory stick at a cafe i was at the other day, When i checked it i discovered these photos...... Hope you may use them. Please withhold my details.Cheers! |
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Cabbage wrote:
Subject: New Aqua-car?
I went to put my boat in the water Saturday morning at Mindarie boat ramp & as I pulled up to start the launch I noticed this guy struggling with his car. It took me a few seconds to realize he was trying to stop it sliding into the sea, Due to the shocking state of the boat ramp, bad design & slippy as all buggery, when he pushed the boat off the trailer the car just slipped down the ramp & started to float away. I went running over to give him a hand to stop his car disappearing into the depths of the marina, unfortunately with the trailer still attached & with just 2 of us we couldn't get it back. A few more people came over & gave us a hand but by then the car was almost completely full of water & there was no way we were going to pull it out. So we abandoned it, tied it off to the jetty & called the tow truck. Not a good days boating trip for the poor guy who was then faced with having to get his boat out of the water and home without his car. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: the big W
if you know of the western front you will get it. withhold details cheers
I get it. Very funny. -Orsm
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A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat:
"I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache."
"Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone!" "Well, that is wonderful!" proclaims the husband.
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "WOW! That was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning. "OH MY GOD!" she proclaims. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying:
"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife."
His funeral service will be held on Saturday.
ORSM
VIDEO
11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE
Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter. 10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all and beginning to fray so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall to their deaths.
They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping...
| CLASSIC METAL |
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Siamese twins walk into an Ontario pub and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two beers please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?" "Off to England next month." says John. "We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.
"Ah, England!" says the landlord. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..." "Nah, we don't like that British crap." says John. "Hamburgers beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they can be so arrogant."
"So why keep going to England?" asks the landlord. "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
RANDOM SHITE
Expect both the expected and unexpected. No need to cry about it though. Check it...
A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people.
In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers. The first one says "My answer is, there IS no answer."
The second one says "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."
The THIRD one says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names, it's either, Willie Turner or Willie Nailer".
He got the job.
Three men were waiting at Dallas Airport for their respective flights.
One was a lanky, brash, gun-chewing cowboy, one an elderly American Indian and the other a Fundamentalist Arab Student.
They got into conversation but when it was known that the Arab student was a devout radical Muslim, all were quiet.
"Three hundred years ago" said the Indian, "My people were many, and we roamed all over this vast land. Now we are few, and confined to reservations. I often wonder why."
"Three hundred years ago" sneered the Muslim student, "Islam was unknown here. Now there are thousands of Muslims everywhere. Do you know why that is?"
The cowboy stretched his legs our, pushed his Stetson to the back of his head and drawled,
"Well, Ah guess that's because we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet - but Ah reckon it's 'comin!"
| HEAVEN ST CLAIR |
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I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan park high school. "Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a mustang," he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1965. Why do you ask?" "You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat ass, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked, "What did you teach?"
| BEAUTIFUL SWITZERLAND |
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After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
"So, how is everything going?" enquired God. "It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve.
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.. .she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced' as she put it.
"That is a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
"Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?" "Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see... where did I put that useless tit?"
ORSM
VIDEO
That's a wrap people. Double chicken and extra garlic special sauce. I'll be away next week for a few days so you may get stuck with a blog from my friend Ray. Apologies in advance for that but in the mean time...
- Check out the site archives. They're bigger than the Olympics. All of them ever.
- Next update will be next Thursday... unless someone forgets to put the update up. It could happen you know.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will stop providing Michael Phelps with a clean blood and urine sample and punch Shawn Johnson in her perfect little teeth.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't ever die. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2008.08.14-23.20 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Ladies... say hello to Mike Hock.
Hi. How are we all? Me good. Next...
So the Olympics are here. I know this because every time I've gone near a TV, radio, newspaper, friend or whatever, there they are. Impossible to escape and it's kind of like everyone cares so long as we're winning medals or someone has dug up a story about something 'bad' that China did. The reporters covering the games seem almost desperate to catch China out. Like the little girl lip-synching for the ugly one or that the fireworks were pre-recorded and CGI enhanced. Big whoop.
I've been amused by the organisers comments too. Particularly with the smog. Beijing looks like nuclear winter is setting in and they're sticking to the "It's just fog" story. They've obviously been taking lessons from this guy.
Opening ceremony. What can you say? It was big, bright, spectacular, amazing... and totally boring [except for that coordinated thing with the blocks]. I foolishly committed myself to the full 4+ hour bonanza because I wanted to see the Aussies come out [third last] and what the Chinese had come up with to light the flame. That's one Friday night I'll never get back. "Here's some country with two athletes that isn't going to win a medal... and now another one with 500 athletes..." Hopefully the Poms will work out a way to fix that next time around. Limit how many people can march or anything that that reduces the precession [read: monotony] by two hours.
One thing that has impressed me though is the coverage. The camera work and angles have been crazy. Half the time you just about feel like you're sitting on the kayak or swimming next to Phelps as he takes out another gold. Definitely looking forward to the track and field events.
As for the lighting of the flame. Meh. The slow-motion guy doing a lap was cool but protracted. I still think the best one was Barcelona where the archer got it going with a pot shot followed closely by Sydney where Cathy Quitter lit the water and the cauldron raised up.
Moving on... we took a trip Saturday to watch the cutting of a 100kg [220lb] block of specially imported Provolone [cheese]. I'm not really sure what the whole idea behind it was - apparently the supermarket had been advertising it for a while and the allure of free samples was too much to ignore. Neither could half the Greek and Italian community for that matter. Bubba's and Nona's everywhere trying to get a few kilo's for the family dinner table. And my god was it worth the trip – I don't think I've ever tasted or smelled anything quite so awesome. Even the best fart I've ever done doesn't come close.
With such a huge amount of Italiano goodness it got me wondering how many calves went thirsty to provide us with the pungent bounty. 100kg is what a large man weighs and I envisioned poor little beefs mooing in a paddock somewhere. Eventually this lead me to wonder what other types of milk you can make cheese from. Goat I know but what else? Human maybe? Would it be possible to make cheese from human breast milk? Well turns out that as offensive an idea that is, it has been attempted and thanks to the internet and this sick bitch we can all read about her attempt to whip up a hearty human breast milk paneer. Do not accept a dinner invitation from her. Ever.
Okay let's get this update moving. It is a fucking cracker and we're back to the original format this week after much and many complaints. The people may have spoken but I would prepare yourselves for more changes in the future... or not... if you guys let me I mean. Anyway shut up and check it...
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After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date.
Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened. When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died." "Thank heaven," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to."
--
A man, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he bought her nothing. She was quick to comment loud and long on his thoughtlessness. "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year."
--
A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food." Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra... I'm still not hungry." "Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving!"
| XARA DIAZ |
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The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now." The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "Remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked. "That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your fucking bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"
ORSM VIDEO
Guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink!"
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth and the crowd gasped in unison.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try!"
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A Blonde woman timidly spoke up... "I'll try it - just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"
| HOW THEY UNBEACH A BOAT IN THE BAHAMAS... |
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A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"
The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?". Harry: "9". Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and teacher, "I think Harry can go to the third grade." The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment, "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants"
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of hot excitement?" Harry: "Fire truck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth grade. Hell, I missed the last four questions myself."
| REMEMBERING ATHENS |
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READER MAIL
Have you submitted today? High on the hit list and desired by Orsm readers the world over pics of you doing silly things, Ex girllfriend porn, fucked up videos, car stuff, cool stuff, funny ha-ha jokes and pretty much anything else you can strap to an email and send down the internets. All you must do is click here and make it happen.
<with held> wrote:
Subject: A Message From the Queen
The bit you published titled "A Message From the Queen" has also been posted titled "A Message to America From John Cleese" as well as under a couple of other titles. As an American, I find the piece absolutely hilarious. A few months back, a buddy posted the same on his site, so I penned the following response as "An American Responds to John Cleese." If you find it funny/interesting/bash-worthy enough to publish, please hide my details. I'd hate for the Queen Mum or Mr. Cleese to have to hunt me........ |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Bridge Collapse
Hey ORSM, hows it going man? Anyway, about that bridge collapse that happened in the US last year. It didnt take place in Mississippi, but in Minnesota. The third pic from the top shows a red SUV that had fallen - it was my friends. He made it out of there without serious injury, and managed to rescue several people from their cars before they went up in flames. He was awarded a medal from the city for his service. I was up in that area when it happened, and for about a week or two afterwards you couldnt drive over, under, or around a bridge without seeing a team of inspectors/engineers giving it an evaluation. Really a tragic situation. |
Craig wrote:
Subject: Near miss
Bad weather in NZ and cops being useless cunts again. Thanks mate. |
Jay wrote:
Subject: fawn
A fawn followed this beagle home -- right through the doggie door -- in the Bittinger Maryland area (Near Deep Creek Maryland). The owner came home to find the visitor had made himself right at home.
Home deer-livery...? Geddit!? BOOM-tsssh. -Orsm
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Jason wrote:
Subject: Disc Drive
saw this one in Reno, CA. Thought you would appreciate................ |
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FoXxIe LaDy wrote:
Subject: Dear Mr Orsm!
Im sending in my pic of my Frakenkitty, She got attacked by a fox which punctured thru her right nose cavity and the vets then had to drain all this shit from the front of her head.. rather funny really!! Thankyou Mr Orsm and keep up the great work Champ! |
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Jez wrote:
Subject: Google SLash
Is this guy having a slash?? |
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< with held> wrote:
Subject: Funny Pic from Singapore
With that poor Aussie c*nt, Peter Lloyd, who got busted in Singapore for possessing ICE, I was out with a mate pissing up at a local bar in Singapore, and we came across this gem. Now that'd be a good holiday! No names or emails pls :) |
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Azaria Chamberlain wrote:
Subject: What's not rght here?
What is not quite right in the attached photos. It's a fuckin bloke. Found it on Myspace but did get the URL - too busy laughing. If I can find the URL I'll send it to you. Apparently it's had the operation. Great tits but look at the face hands and arms!! |
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Al wrote:
Subject: Andes mtns.
Helloooooo ORSM, Thot you might like to post some pics. of the Andes Mtns. near Ayacucho and Huancayo Peru..... Always waiting for Thursday mornings..... KEEP IT UP |
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Jay wrote:
Subject: 410 CI Motorcycle
The Gunbus 410 cubic inch V-Twin motorcycle is complete. The monster engine placed in a motorcycle frame of comparable size looked impossible and many who saw the photos were skeptical of the bike ever being finished but I guess, Clemens F. Leonhardt is one of those persistent guys who ignores the naysayers and keeps at his work. The inch V-Twin runs through a 3 speed transmission with reverse and actually looks pretty good in its finished state compared to the initial photos, in fact, everything looks good. It puts out 523 foot pounds of torque. Seat height is 31.5 inches and overall length is 136 inches. It is a little heavy at 1433 pounds so high speed corner carving might be an issue and there aren't any photos of the big bike on the road so I guess we'll have to wait for the road test, that is if someone can actually road test this monster. This is actually going to go into limited series production and a sidecar will be available as well which might help with balance when waiting at a light. I don't even want to think about a driveway tipover. I think this is great! Now, where's the video? |
Terry wrote:
Subject: WHITE TIGER SWIMMING
These incredible photos of a White Bengal Tiger named Odin. Odin is six years old and 10 feet long from tail to nose. Odin lives at a Zoo in Vallejo, California, near San Francisco. Odin was hand-raised at the zoo. And after he was weaned, his British trainer Lee Munro discovered his remarkable skill. 'He makes a funny face - and it's actually to close his nostrils to stop the water from going into his nose.' Not all big cats enjoy the water but for Tigers from the hot climate of South-East Asia it's one way to cool down. White tigers are the most rare. They get their whitecolor from an unusual and extremely rare genetic combination. |
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Michael wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Qantas pictures....
Ooops. -Orsm |
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Ryan wrote:
Subject: Africa is no place for sissies
Hey Mr. Orsm, Another confrontation of the wild kind from the African continent. Keep up the great work!!!!
See what happens when you give someone shit about having big ears...? -Orsm
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privatxx wrote:
Subject: good gumshot
hallo mr.orsm. werry good gumshot on the beach. you like ??
Looks like fun... -Orsm
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B Robbins wrote:
Subject: Flames
Dude. Clip of my R1 on the dyno... flame action.
Nice bike. Do they make them for men? -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Something for ORSM
Mate, been a fan since 2000 and I finally have a contribution to make! The Western Greys have been breeding up faster than the cullers can get to them. Vicious bastards too.... so sometimes matters just have to be taken into hand.... Please withhold details blah blah blah. Cheers
Not cool. -Orsm
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12 LEAST KNOWN TEACHINGS OF SCIENTOLOGY
1. Scientologist doctors recommend that all Thetan's who want to be clear and disease free undergo a regimen of proper auditing and constant expulsion of liquid assets of at least $300,000 in order to drain completely their minds (and bank accounts).
2. A Tribble is a Thetan that seeks to obtain OT III level status by foregoing shaving. Notable Tribble's who have donned beards include Nancy Cartwright (voice of Bart Simpson), Tom Cruise and John Travolta.
3. Xenu is the name given for the cruel galactic ruler who banished Thetan's to earth some 75 million years ago. His anger was fuelled in part because his parents favoured his younger brother Zima's clear behaviour.
4. L. Ron Hubbard wrote Dianetic's during prolonged periods of isolation when Mother Hubbard forced him to sleep in a bare cupboard.
5. Despite what the National Mental Health Association says, Scientologists were NOT distributing booklets at Ground Zero. They were passing out pamphlets. Are we all clear now?
6. Scientologists can only watch porn videos if they contain multiple money shots.
7. The origin of the WWJD phenomenon was the Scientology acronym WWRD or "Who Would Ron Destroy?" Scientologist leaders deploy this acronym whenever they need to tap into their late leader's discernment powers so they can assess the most appropriate method of attacking a traitor or critic of the movement.
8. Christ was a myth fabricated by space aliens to deceive Man from realising his true nature. In reality, he was a cabbie in Nazareth (Operating Thetan VIII).
9. Despite the claims of the U.S. Government, L. Ron Hubbard was not an embarrassment to the U.S. Navy. He never dropped anti-submarine torpedoes on an empty piece of ocean, and did not conduct target practice on a stretch of land that turned out to be Mexico.
10. Scientology is the No. 1 religion in the world, as it holds the current world record for filing more lawsuits in one single day than many churches have filed in their entire histories.
11. Not even constant auditing can guarantee the resurrection of Kirstie Alley, Juliette Lewis, and Mimi Rogers's acting careers.
12. Scientology receives "only" the same tax-exempt status as any other religion. The IRS granted this exemption after church leaders agreed to contribute unlimited auditing services.
ORSM VIDEO
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realise its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?" "Yes, I do." said Bob.
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
| DEVON ROCKS MY WORLD |
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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have Praise." Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.
She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say. A man rose and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, the word is 'sternum.'"
ORSM
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Tom had been in business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress. He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of total isolation, someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there was a huge, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles ups the road. Having a party Friday night thought you might like to come... about 5:00." "Great," says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you!"
Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n likely gonna be some fightin' too." Tom says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turns from the door. "More 'n likely be some wild sex, too." "Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.
By the way, what should I wear?" Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."
RANDOM SHITE
Turns out you guys did NOT like the change to RS format last week. Told you so and the "if it aint broke..." responses were overwhelming - literally a few hundred emails complaining compared to about three in favour. To make up for this error I promise you some very nasty, very random goodies. Check it...
Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding, which got increasingly tighter around her feet as the day went on.
That night, when the festivities were finally over and they finally retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are absolutely killing me!"
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales worked on her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge. "Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder!" Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, my darling! But it's just so blooming tight!" "Come on, my prince! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
Finally, when the shoe released, Charles let out a loud groan and Camilla exclaimed, "Aaahh! Oh, God, that feels sooo good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See? I told you with a face like that, she would still be a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, bloody hell, darling! This one's even tighter!" To which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy - once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"
| SELF SHOT |
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A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HAND JOB: $1,000.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meagre looking group of farmers.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the old biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes, she smiles and purrs, I sure am." The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."
ORSM VIDEO
Okay I'm pretty much toasted so let's wrap this bad boy up and cut to the outro...
- Check out the site archives. I know you want to. You know you want to. What's the problem?
- Next update will be in 10,080 minutes.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will secretly film your mum enjoying multiple orgasms provided by his skilful tongue and soft, sensual touch before submitting the clip to Reader Mail. In other words unless you really want to see your mum cum and squirt then you should get busy spreading the Orsm word.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ??? . Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2008.08.07-22.64 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Love is just something girls use to manipulate boys.
And just like that the days are longer. It was only a few weeks ago that come 5pm it was almost dark and now we've got light until well past 6. Still pretty damn cold though. Something to do with it being winter I'm told...?
Random things I've learnt in the last seven days: there is a noticeable difference between normal chicken and the free range stuff; farting under a hot steamy shower magnifies the potency by a factor of 10; when a human body is submerged in the ocean, the arms, legs, hands, feet and head usually come off; and apple, orange, beetroot and passion fruit juice is surprisingly palatable.
Moving on. Got my iPhone today and as much as I'd like to say 'finally' it was less than two weeks from when I actually ordered the thing... and as much as I'd like to complain about that, I really cant... and as much as it annoys me, I have to stop...
Unfortunately haven't had much time to play with my new toy but now that consumerism has won over I'm wondering 'what now?' I can still make calls and receive 3am messages from mates questioning my sexuality - all things my old phone could do. This is probably just buyers remorse rearing its ugly head but proves once again that getting something is better than having it.
My very first call was from Fitness First. You know the ones... ooby-dooby gym chain with a live DJ playing next to the exercise bikes and full of beautiful people. They lure you in with cheap access and three months later send a 'in order to provide you with world class facilities we are forced to increase your charges' letter.
This is a regular thing - I get a call from them every few weeks: "Hi. This is some muscley-guy-with-no-body-hair from Fitness First. One of your friends has given us your name and we've chosen YOU to come down for a free appraisal...". "Oh yeah? Which friend?" I ask. "Sorry I don't have that info in front of me but as I was saying...".
This carries on for a couple of minutes as muscley-guy-with-no-body-hair ignores me repeatedly saying "I'm really not interested" and enquires as to my current 'training regime'. Not quite ready to give up he chucks in a "So who have you decided to give this FANTASTIC FREE offer to?". Err... yeah dude... let me give you my whole address book so you can call and bug my friends too!
I'm sure he's a great guy with a magnificent body and chiselled features but if I was him and had to spend my day using pressure sales tactics and canned responses to harass people into coming in for free appraisals I'd deliberately kill myself.
Anyway that'll do for the senseless ramblings of an uninspired white guy. Let's get crackin' with the update... which you will notice is a departure from the norm. I wanted to try a few different things this week so let me know what you guys reckon! Check it...
Don't even think about paying for porn on the
net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on
the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn?
Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us
who get
it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and
accept paying for porn the less free
porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!
If you've been reading my site for any
period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie
Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do
so... it's because Newbie
Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today.
Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes
of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people
that love to get their gear off and show what they've got...
did I mention it's all free too? Check
it now!
I can think of two reasons why you haven't
checked out Revenge
TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and
haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of
the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you
are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands
of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover
in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge
TV is how! Click
here to see what I mean...
Killer Rack - It's A Myatery - Celeb Scandals - Idiotic - Simply Amazing - Excellent KO - Hot Chocolate - Latin Hoes
Sweet Vicki - Crocodile Crazy - Eva Laskari - Dramatic Pussy - Cat Fight - Catherine Bell - Eva Longoria - Little Pussy
Streetview - So Busted - Redneckin' - Keeley Hazel - A Hot January - Rihanna Nips - Big Balls - More Pennies
I've just had my application to join a web based dating site refused, apparently they found that the answer "My Cock" to "What do you really like most in a woman" was offensive.
--
As I'm sure this is the case with you, too, my mailbox is being flooded with mail concerning gas prices and illegal immigrants. To boycott oil companies or not; to provide amnesty to illegal immigrants or not, etc. It's driving me nuts. Since I have become disillusioned by the various solutions proposed by the Republicans, Democrats, E-85 Morons, Sierra Club, ACLU, etc., I have decided to solve the problems as they affect me on my own. My idea solves both my gas and illegal immigrant problems. I will hire illegal immigrants to push my car. They're plentiful and cheaper than buying gas. Then I'll pay them in Pesos so they'll have to go home to spend it.
--
Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city one evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back lane. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood. "Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten," he pleaded. The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to her colleague, "You know the person that did this really needs help."
| YOU RILEY WOULD... |
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A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II. In light of your failure in recent years to nominate a suitable President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary):
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side of the road with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body Armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Aussies first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler.
The little boy asks: "Can I have a beer Grandpa?" Grandpa replies: "Can your pecker touch your ass?" The little boy answered "No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker". Gramps says: "Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer".
A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asks: "Can I have a cigar Grandpa?" Once again, Grandpa asks: "Can your pecker touch your ass?" Once again the little boy replies, "No, it's too little". Gramps replies, "Then you're not man enough to have a cigar".
A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some cookies. Grandpa asks, "Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?" The boy asks, "Can your pecker touch your ass?" Gramps replies, "Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass". The little boy replies, "Then go fuck yourself - Grandma made these for me".
ORSM VIDEO
| PUMA SWEDE HOTNESS |
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READER MAIL
Bit of a quieter mail week... except that spam of course. 22,122 in the last three months to be exact [but who's counting?]. There's still been a whole bunch of quality submissions though.
Before we get on with it ask youself - have you submitted today? High on the hit list and desired by Orsm readers the world over pics of you doing silly things, fucked up videos, car stuff, cool stuff, funny ha-ha jokes and pretty much anything else you can staple to an email and jam down the internets. All you must do is click here and make it happen.
< with held> wrote:
Subject: Violence
Hi, orsm. Been a fan for the past four or five years, and I love the site. By now you must have heard about the tragic death of one of your fellow Australians on the Greek island of Mykonos, after he was beaten up by two (or four?) bouncers working for two local bars. I simply want to say that the general public here in Greece is OUTRAGED at the magnitude of these subhumans' monumentally criminal f*ck-up. We all want to see justice served, swiftly and mercilessly. For the most part, it'll take me a while to stop feeling ashamed of belonging in the same nation as these common criminals, whom I am seriously thinking of emigrating to avoid. That said, I felt actual physical pain watching your video entitled "Don't fuck with these guys", where similar violence (bouncers, people getting hit from the back, or kicked viciously while they're down, etc) is depicted. People fighting one-on-one is one thing, but people being stomped is attempted murder. And I feel that in videos such as this one, it is being glorified. Maybe we should lay off flaunting it for a while? |
Bernie wrote:
Subject: Dont fuck with these guys
Gday Orsm.
Who the fuck are these wanabe fucken hero's in the clip "Dont fuck with these guys".
It dont take a great fighter to just king hit some drunk or young kid.
They are not to be made famous by these gutless wanker acts.
I've bounced for years and these little wankers should be tought a REAL lesson in being tuff.
The fat bastard in the clip is one id like to teach first but bloody wogs like this dont have the brains to realise they can all be wiped out in seconds by the right REAL MEN. Please suppy an address to these cocksuckers and let me at em.
Dont fuck with these guys??? PALEESE get real
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Daniel wrote:
Subject: Re: interesting facts
gday mr orsm. Love the site, has me in stiches every week, keep up the good work. But i was wondering about a couple of points in the "some interesting facts":
1/ - An average persons hand does 56% of the typing. What does a person use to type the other 44%?
2/- India never invaded any country in her last 10,000 years of history. Have you been to Melbourne lately??? The fuckers are over running us!! lol
That was supposed to be 'persons LEFT hand'. -Orsm |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: big tits
Just a shot of some huge tits from some broad I work with....don't post my email.....
If there was a prize, she would win. -Orsm |
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tony wrote:
Subject: Great signs
Hi guys. wow. what a site--well done. Attached a sign place to heaven found recently in Hof Germany |
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Trev wrote:
Subject: Sunday in Freo
Hey Orsm, Love the site, been a fan for years, heres a few thing's I saw in Fremantle on Sunday that made me smile, keep up the good work. |
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Cornel wrote:
Subject: Zimbabwe Cheque
Hi Orsm. Greatings from Southern Africa. i don't know if you have seen a Zimbabwean Cheque yet. The currency is going downhill as the interest rates are increasing on a daily basis. It was announced on the news today that they have now issued new bank notes. Ten billion old Zim Dollar now equels one new Zim dollars. Crazy!!! Thanx |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Priceless pic submission
Hey, Long time viewer first time submitter. This chick robbed me for over $2,000.00 USD in less than 3 months. The dumb bitch forgot I knew her passwords. Please feel free to use this pic as I'm the one who took it. Also please Hide my info. Regards from a fan in the USA |
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Rick wrote:
Subject: Bad Day for an SUV
They need this on the Police helicopter to stop high speed chases. Sobering shot of an SUV that got lit up by mistake, by an F16 driver near the air-ground gunnery range outside Dugway, Utah. The 'light paint and body damage' is the result of a one-quarter-second burst by the fighter's 20 mm gun, which fires about 3000 rounds per minute. An estimated 70 rounds left the gun; the results are as you see here. What's even more astonishing is - the SUV was being driven at the time. The driver and the guy in the right-hand passenger seat escaped with some light glass injury to the driver, and a dislocated shoulder to the passenger. The shots hit the gas tank, but didn't explode; the gas just leaked out. The passenger who normally sits in the back seat had just moved to another vehicle. The vehicle was on the military reservation, but a full three miles away from the gunnery range. The pilot is probably doubtless be busily writing 'I WILL NOT ENGAGE SOFT CIVILIAN VEHICLES IN NO-FIRE ZONES' 1,000 times, after which he will be PCS'd to Shemeya AFB, Alaska. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Motivational Thought for the Day
This little animal is called the Naked Mole-Rat and is from Africa. If you are having a bad day and feeling sorry for yourself, remember: You could look like a dick with buck teeth. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: The got wood section...
i got a interesting pic for you. we snapped it while driving home one day. please withhold details thanks
Trying to come up with some sort of 'log off' or 'log in' joke here... anyone? -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: ants
Hi, My first attempt to post. Saw these, almost a million of them I must say. Hide all my details.
Lemmings! -Orsm |
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dave max wrote:
Subject: slapper
Young slapper from Redditch UK thinks she has what it takes to become a top model. No tits no chance. |
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Jay wrote:
Subject: Bridge Collapse in US 8-01-07
Hey Man, here are some photos of a bridge collapsing here in the US almost a year ago. The bridge catastrophically failed during the evening rush hour on August 1, 2007, collapsing to the river and riverbanks beneath. Thirteen people were killed and approximately one hundred more were injured. Help came immediately after the collapse from mutual aid in the seven-county metropolitan area and emergency response personnel, charities, and volunteers. City and county employees managed the rescue using post-9/11 techniques and technology that may have saved lives. |
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Michael wrote:
Subject: email
thought i better start contributing... the wonders of bog. |
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Craig wrote:
Subject: Amazing Glass Guy
Hi Orsm, Saw this bloke in Venice last week. Thought you might like to share it. He was incredible.
I can do that. Easy. -Orsm
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privatxx wrote:
Subject: beach fucking
hello mr.orsm. my fucked my on the beach. werry hot
My my... -Orsm
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A couple were invited to a neighbours masked, fancy dress party. The wife got a terrible headache! She told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by her headache. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.
She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had passionate sex on the backseat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home; put the costume away and sat up reading when he came in.
She asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I never even danced once. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."
"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life!"
ORSM VIDEO
| EVA ANGELINA FIRES UP |
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WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realise that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before he goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realise how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your chick book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#*&&^(C% ........ reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
| ADDISON ROSE |
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Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking... surely I cannot look that old? If so, you may enjoy this short story.
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school "Yes," he replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1971. Why?" "You were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely, and then the son of a bitch asked, "What did you teach?"
RANDOM SHITE
You guys have been pestering me for ages to change the RS format into a gallery style like everything else. I've held out because it takes away the 'what am I gonna get next' factor but lucky for you I'm in a good mood and thought it was time for a try. Let me know what you bastards think but in the mean time check it...
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he left the bar some time later, he realized that his horse had been stolen.
The cowboy rushed back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking, and then fired a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I did back in Texas. And let me tell you, I don't wanna have to do what I did back in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
The cowboy had another beer then walked outside to find his horse was back. So, he saddled up and prepared to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and said, "Say partner, what happened in Texas anyway?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"
| SOPHIA HAS NICE... CUSHIONS |
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Two Jewish men, "Sid" and "Al," were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?" Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?" and the waiter said, "I don't know Senor, I'll ask the cooks." He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said "No sir, no Mexican Jews."
Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you absolutely sure?" The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringos" gave the expected answer, "I will check again, Senor!" and went back into the kitchen.
While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."
The waiter returned and said, "Senor, the head cook said there is no Mexican Jews." "Are you certain?" Al asked once again, "I can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!" "Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter. "All we have is orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews."
ORSM VIDEO
| TORY GOES IT ALONE |
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Okay dudes that's update done. I hope you've enjoyed receiving as much as I have giving. Quickly before I cut to the outro... we'll be playing with the servers over the next few days so there may be some downtime. And with that...
- Check out the site archives. They're so big that the UN has offered them a seat.
- Next update will be next Thursday but only if you're nice to me.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will implicate you as the mastermind behind a sophisticated Ponzi Scheme spanning dozens of countries and having ripped off thousands of investors. He will even shave your cat just because he can. Ray really is that vindictive you can't afford to be on his bad side.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and never, ever talk to the po-po. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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