An American Response

<with held> wrote:
Subject: A Message From the Queen
The bit you published titled "A Message From the Queen" has also been posted titled "A Message to America From John Cleese" as well as under a couple of other titles. As an American, I find the piece absolutely hilarious. A few months back, a buddy posted the same on his site, so I penned the following response as "An American Responds to John Cleese." If you find it funny/interesting/bash-worthy enough to publish, please hide my details. I'd hate for the Queen Mum or Mr. Cleese to have to hunt me........

Thank you for showing such keen interest in our affairs. We have just a few suggestions for your consideration:

1. Once you have reclaimed the original Old English and its proper pronunciations (please see the original "Canterbury Tales") as English--free from several hundred years of natural language development--you may comment on our use and abuse of language. Lazy slang, filler, use of poor grammar defended as "culture," and nonsense of all types we can agree should result in being force-fed kidney pie. Anyone who uses "Guv'nuh" to refer to anyone that doesn't actually hold such elected position shall be subject to death by veggie peeler.

2. We’ve tried to kill off Microsoft and the Bush administration for years, but Pure Evil seems tough to get out in the rinse.

3. Your "football" is hereby declared too sissified to be considered true sport so long as your "athletes" flop about like fish after a methamphetamine binge anytime a defender has the temerity to execute a proper tackle.

4. While we're at it, stop calling it a "tackle"; if the offensive player isn't forced to the ground by ACTUAL physical contact, call it what it is: bad acting. Or, where slang might be apropos (as in casual conversation over a pint): a Tom Cruise.

5. Please realize an Englishman talking about great cars and/or driving is akin to a Frenchman talking about military victories: they must do so by speaking about another nation's efforts, generally. The Rolls Royce, Astin Martin, and the French Revolution are obvious exceptions.

6. We’re looking forward to the electric car and more efficient solar power, so could care less about the cost of petrol.

8. You shall refrain from ever talking about food. While McDonald's and such nutritionally worthless garbage are easy targets, a people that eats things called "kidney pie" and "blood pudding" are not to judge. Even Albanians have better traditional food.

9. While Americans cannot apologize enough for that swill called Budweiser and anything with "Light" or "Lite" on the label being foisted upon the Great Unwashed as beer, please recognize the US microbrew industry has enjoyed a very healthy Renaissance for at least the last 20 years. Meanwhile, your pubs can pump out brews that may or may not contain the remains of the barmaid's toenail clippings - to go along with the kidney pie........ Try a Leinenkugal Honey Weiss (properly served chilled) or Sam Adams Boston Ale (properly served chilled) or Red Hook IPA (properly served chilled) or any of the literally hundreds of smaller regional brewer's brands and styles. But soccer players can't have any if they've gripped an ankle in agony only to bounce back up - miraculously cured--after the yellow is issued. Ever.

10. While we're on the subject, Guinness - a stout properly served "warm" - is far better than any British bitter available, and it's an Irish gift.

12. You must now refer to York as "Old York." Our York beats the pants off yours and we've grown tired of referring to it as "New."

13. Stop calling cigarettes "fags." Soccer players: OK, we can accept "soccer player" and "fags" as interchangeable terms. Not that there's anything wrong with homosexuality - just being a soccer-playing, flopping Nancy makes even the queeniest say, "Ew!".

14. Chavs: you have 'em in the shopping centers; we give them reality shows to get them away from us.....

15.We formally apologize for "Survivor," "The Hills," Fox news, the general degradation of American journalism, and everything MTV has done for the last decade. And we forgive you pre-emptively for upcoming BBC documentaries.

17. The backwards peace sign is not an insulting gesture. You all look a poof when you do so.

18. We don't know who really killed JFK, either, and we've been bonkers ever since.

19. As to George W. Bush.... By and large, we hate the greasy l'il bugger, too. But consider - who's the greater fool? The actual fool or the fool that follows his plans, ala Tony Blair? And less than a year... less than a year.......

20. A great many of us tried...we really tried. My theory is the retardation rate in the US is far higher than thought - which also explains NASCAR fans, light beer "aficionados," and the Bush administration...but even they realize soccer, kidney pie, and blood pudding are horrible atrocities, for the most part.

Thank you ever so for your interest in our affairs. We realize mistakes have been made and, in some cases, genocide tolerated, but we try - we really do. Your suggestions have been taken under advisement. We will act on them soon, pending review by our lawyers - who don't wear Nancy-Boy wigs.

We'll apply our back taxes to India, Africa, Australia, Burma, and the other former colonies and their various indigenous peoples, if any survive. I assume we may do so in your name and on your behalf?

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II. In light of your failure in recent years to nominate a suitable President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary):

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side of the road with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body Armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Aussies first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!