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Welcome to I came, I saw, I kicked its ass.
Well, hello there. These Thursday's roll around with alarming frequency, don't they? Good for you, bad for me. And now let's do what we do on days like these - chow down on a brand new, pretty sweet, very Orsm update! Check it...
My wife has asked for a divorce after she found out I'd exposed myself to the girl next door. 15 years of marriage... gone in a flash.
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a beautiful blonde, and a comely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel. As the compartment is plunged into complete darkness yet again a ringing slap is heard. The train passes back into daylight and the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert'. The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and slapped the beast'. The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake'. The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French fuckwit again'.
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My mate David was a victim of ID theft. Now we just call him Dav.
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It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled "I just saw a naked man outside my window!" The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is he?" she asked. "He's over there" replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed" she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked,
you can only see him from the waist up?" "Try standing on the dressing table!" screamed the old lady.
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Not only have I just won the lottery, but my ex-girlfriend says she wants us to get back together.
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Little girl comes home from a day out with her grandparents. "Daddy, I saw a steamer in the harbour today!" "That's nice, sweetheart". says her dad "was it a big one?" "It was huge" she replied. "A Great Dane did it and grandad stepped in it!"
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I went in for a COVID test and the doctor asked if I had a sudden loss of taste. "No" I replied "I always dress like this".
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A man goes to see his Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it". The Rabbi asks "What's wrong?" The man replies "My wife is poisoning me". The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks "Why do you think your wife is trying to poison you?" The man answers, repeating his suspicion "I'm telling you, my wife is trying to poison me! What should I do??" The Rabbi thinks for a minute, and then says "Give me a week to get to the bottom of this, I'll call you back after I do". A week later, the Rabbi calls the man up and tells him "Well, I had a talk with your wife the other day. She was on the phone with me for 3 hours, non-stop... would you like my advice?" The man says "YES, PLEASE!" And the Rabbi answers "Take the poison".
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My wife told me she would leave me if I didn't stop singing "I'm a Believer". I thought she was joking. Then I saw her face.
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A 10-year-old girl asks "Mummy, how was I born?" The mother smiled and replied "Once upon a time me and your daddy decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth and I took care of it every single day. After a while the seed started to grow more and more leaves and, in a few months, it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it and got so high that we fucked without a condom".
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I was in the supermarket with the wife today when completely out of the blue she said "You know something? You really are a lazy cunt" I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
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I hate it when I stand up too fast and it makes me go dizzy. So I went to my doctor. He told me to quit smoking, quit drinking, eat less junk food, eat more healthy foods, exercise and take vitamins. I'll just stand up slowly from now on...
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I can drive a woman wild with my tongue before we even get into bed! It's pretty easy... all I do is say "My god you have put on some weight, haven't you?"
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A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt". Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlour and get the words "Beautiful Butt" tattooed on her ass. She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful butt. He looks and says "You do have a beautiful butt". She then tells the man she wants 'Beautiful Butt' tattooed on her ass. The man tells her "I can't fit that on your arse, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I will tattoo the letters BB on each cheek and that can stand for beautiful butt. She agrees and gets it done. On the man's birthday she hears him come home and is only wearing a robe. She then stands at the top of the stairs. He opens the door and she says "Look, honey!" She then takes off the robe she is wearing, bends over, and the man yells "WHO THE FUCK IS BOB?!"
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My wife gets annoyed if I mess with her red wine. I've added fruit and lemonade, and now she's sangria than ever.
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The wife has been nagging me too much about my Flamingo impressions so I had to put my foot down.
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After my girlfriend had given birth to our son, the midwife smiled at me and said "Do you have a name?" I said "Yes, it's Brian"" "Brian is a lovely name" she replied. I said "Thanks, what do you think we should call the baby?"
ORSM VIDEO
Once upon a time, there was a bird.
This was not any ordinary bird however, as he was able to speak and understand English at a perfect level. For quite a while, he didn't use it much to his advantage. He was content simply flittering around and living peacefully with his bird wife.
But one day, tragedy struck! Our bird one day woke up to an empty nest, no bird kids, no bird wife, just him and some twigs.
He starts asking around his bird community, and eventually pieces together that his bird wife got tired of him and his lack of ambition. She took the bird kids and flew off to stay with her bird Mother.
Our bird was left with an overwhelming sense of listlessness, realising that everything he had worked towards in his bird life was now gone.
Our bird, now destitute and lonely, decided he was tired of bird life, and wanted to use his English speaking ability to try something new.
He decides to fly into the nearest human town, and observe for a bit. He perched himself on a tree overlooking the main street of the town, and simply watched.
After an hour or two, he noticed several people heading into a building, one labelled as "Bar". He decides that if he wants to truly utilise his prowess of the English language, the best place to start is with other English speakers, so he flies down to the building and hops his way inside.
Our bird makes his way over the bar, hops up on a stool, and says "Hey bartender, can I get a drink?" The bartender and a few other people nearby notice that these words came out of a bird and are immediately and completely enthralled and bewildered by this sight.
The bartender saunters over and asks "Did you just ask for a drink? But you're a bird! I've never seen anything like this before, but if you want a drink I'm happy to oblige".
The bartender pours the bird some water, places it in front of him, and they start chatting. After realising what was happening, every patron at the bar is standing around the bird, eager to get another peek at this otherworldly phenomenon. People ask the bird some questions, and the bird happily responds, informing them all of his plight and his goal to take full advantage of his gift. More people make their way to him, snapping pictures and videos to share with their friends. The bird loves all the attention and is more than happy to indulge each and every customer who comes up to him.
After a few hours, closing time rolls around. Most people make their way out of the bar, ecstatic to share their newfound memories with family and friends.
Once most the crowd is gone, however, another man makes his way up to the bird. The man says "Hey, I think you've got an incredible gift and a heart-warming story. I'm the Principal of our local high school, and I reckon your story would make a wonderfully uplifting tale to share with the students. So how about it? Would you like to give a speech at my school tomorrow?"
The bird gives the best smile he can manage (with a beak) and tells the principal that yes, he would love to give a speech! The man and the bird try their best at a handshake and agree to meet in the high school's gym tomorrow at noon. The bird makes his way out of the bar and into a tree, getting as comfortable as he can for the next day's events.
Some time passes, and the sun rises once again, the bird with it. He doesn't have the best grasp on human measured time, but he decides to make his way over the gym as soon as he can. He flies on over to the high school, and lands behind the gym, where the principal he met yesterday is waiting. A massive grin spreads over the man's face as he greets the bird, thrilled that his guest speaker arrived on time. They both make their way into the gym, where a stack of dictionaries is set up on a chair so the bird can speak into the microphone. The bird hops on over, gives the mic a couple pecks to make sure it's on, and begins to deliver a rousing and inspirational speech to the hordes of high schoolers seated in front of him.
The bird's speech goes on for an hour or so, and the whole time the entire audience is captivated and totally in awe. The bird tells them of the mishap with his bird family, and his desire to be the best bird he can be. His speech finishes, and after a few seconds of silence, the crowd erupts into a cacophony of applause and cheers. The audience loved him!
After many a bow and chirped "thank you's" most of the crowd makes their way back to their classes. The principal once again gives his appreciation to the bird for his rousing speech, and moves on with his day. Before the bird could make his way out of the gym, however, he is stopped by a woman.
She greets him, and informs him how much his speech meant to her and everyone else. She introduces herself as a high-end event organiser whose son goes to the school. When she heard a bird was giving a speech, she decided to see it in person. After many a compliment, she has a favour to ask of the bird. She says that she's organising a very high class gala, with powerful and influential people from across the globe. She then asks if the bird would be willing to make his way to the event and give another speech, as she believes the bird's last speech was the best she had ever heard. The bird, now realising just how far his gift can get him, enthusiastically agrees and promises to show up the gala tomorrow.
Another night passes and the bird awakens, realising he has to make his way over the gala immediately! He takes to the skies, scanning far and wide for an expensive looking building, before he eventually finds it. He glides down to the front door, where a butler is waiting for him. Upon seeing the bird, the butler immediately opens the door and ushers our bird in, letting him know that he's been expected. The bird makes his way inside, and is blown away by just how impressive everything looks. Million dollar chandeliers, windows from the floor to the ceiling and columns that dwarf the people nearby. After taking it all in, the event planner he met yesterday finds and greets him. She tells our bird that he is due to give a speech in just a few minutes here, and wishes him the best of luck. The bird makes his way up the stage and prepares to give his all in another speech.
The bird regales them with the unfortunate tale of his bird family, his battle with unending listlessness, and finishes with how proud he was that he decided to use his gift. The crowd, once again totally dumbstruck by a bird speaking so eloquently, explodes with applause. It echoes throughout the building, causing quite a ruckus. Many people come up to him, attempt to shake his wing, and give them their compliments. There's so many people in suits and dresses that they start to blend together a bit to our bird.
Once the crowd dies down a bit, he is approached by one last lady. She compliments the bird's speech, and asks if he would like to grab a drink with her. The bird, exhausted from being around so many people, gladly takes the opportunity to relax at a table with her. They start talking, and before long she informs him that she is a presidential aide, and with the bird's prowess of the English language she wants him to give a speech to the entire United States! The bird is once again thrilled to have such an opportunity, and emphatically agrees. However, the speech is a week down the line, and the pair agree to simply relax and take it easy tonight. They keep chatting, telling each other about their personal lives and going on's. They seem to be hitting it off quite well!
Before it got too late, however, the lady asked the bird if he would be so kind as to get them some refreshments. The bird happily obliges.
Our bird takes a look around, and notices that refreshments are served in an odd manner here. Rather than have a bar, there are several stands where people line up for a drink. The bird takes notices of this, and decides to go over to a few stands. The first one he visits is serving wine, and given how this is a high class event, it's quite a long wait for some wine, so he moves on.
The next stand is serving beer, which is popular as ever, and has an even longer queue. So the bird moves on. He notices there's a stand serving punch, so he decides to get some of that as there is no punch line.
VAGINA SLIPS previously: #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
ORSM VIDEO
Bert and Ernie had worked together as radio hosts for twenty years.
They traded jokes, played pop music and generally made people's lives a touch brighter as they trundled to work.
In one of the breaks they received an email. Ernie read the message and was in shock.
Ernie silently rereads the message from civil defence. As licensed broadcasters they were legally obligated to alert the public, to tell them the nukes were flying and that in a few minutes, all the world's troubles would be over.
What was the point of that though? To torture people with the knowledge of something they couldn't change?
Their eyes met and a decision was reached.
Bert put on their most requested song, a sugary top 40 tune while Ernie produced a bottle of bourbon from under the desk. As their producer banged on the locked studio door, the colleagues toasted the end of a long career.
Bert, always the consummate professional, turned away from the window as the first explosion split the distant horizon. He straightened his tie, tucked in his shirt and brushed his hair back. He would meet his fiery death with dignity.
Bert turned to Ernie and said in a quiet, resigned voice "How do I look, Ernie?"
Ernie walked slowly over to his friend. He looked into Bert's face and saw the closeness they shared, the strength of their relationship, forged over the years, took a deep breath and spoke quietly: "With your eyes, Bert".
Previously: #19 - #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - MORE >>
ORSM VIDEO
| IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE |
An Australian woman, who was a tree-hugging vegetarian and anti-hunter purchased, a plot of native bushland well outside the city limits.
There was a large gum tree on one of the highest points in her property. She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land so she started to climb the big gum.
As she neared the top, she encountered a koala that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local the doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, vegetarian, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.
The angry woman demanded "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, Native Vegetation, Parks and Wildlife service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.
WHAT'S UNDER THE TOWEL previously: #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
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ORSM VIDEO
A man decides to quit his job and run away to join a band of pirates.
After spending a few hours at the dock, he sees a man who has a peg leg, a hook hand and an eye patch. The man is obviously a pirate captain.
The man promptly joins the captains crew and they ship out to sea that very day.
Later that night, the man walks up to the captain and says "I'm sorry, but I just can't hold back anymore. How did you get your peg leg?"
The captain says "Arrr, 'twas me first day at see as a young lad. A great big swell came from the sea and knocked me overboard. Before me crew could pull me out, a giant one-eyed fish swam up and bit off me leg!"
The man goes "That sounds terrible! What happened to your hand?"
The captain says " Arrr, 'twas me second day at sea. Another great big swell came from the sea and knocked me overboard. Before me crew could pull me up, the giant one-eyed fish swam up and bit off my hand!"
The man tells the captain it sounds like the fish has it out for him and asks what happens to his eye.
The captain says " Arrr, 'twas me third day at sea. I was looking up at the sky when a bird came and shat in me eye!"
The man says "And that's how you lost your eye?" The captain responds "No, but 'twas me first day with the hook!"
ORSM VIDEO
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.
The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests, and then concluded "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you..."
"On your way home from my office, stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you hit bullseye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees, you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue...
Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut".
The couple went home, followed the advice and their sex life became more and more wonderful.
They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green, that they should see the good doctor.
The doctor greeted the Green's and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.
Then he told the Greens the bad news...
"I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I'm afraid your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help".
The Green's pleaded with him, and said "You helped our friends, the Browns, now please, please help us!" "Well, all right" the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a pack of Lifesavers..."
RANDOM SHITE
Previously: 23rd Mar. - 16th Mar. - 2nd Mar. - 23rd Feb. - 16th Feb. - 9th Feb. - 2nd Feb. - 19th Jan. - MORE >>
| PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW |
ORSM VIDEO
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he saw walking down the side of the road.
Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he swerved to hit him and there would be a loud *THUMP* then he would swerve back on the road.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along the road, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good deed and pulled the truck over.
"Where are you going, Father?" The truck driver asked. "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road" replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck".
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road.
Instinctively he swerved to hit him but at the last moment he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so he swerved back to the road and narrowly missed the lawyer.
Certain he should've missed the lawyer, the truck driver was very surprised and immediately uneasy when he heard a loud *THUMP*.
Feeling guilty about his actions, he turned to the priest and said "I'm really sorry, Father. I almost hit that lawyer".
"That's okay" replied the priest "I got the prick with the door!"
GIRLS IN GLASSES previously: #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
ORSM VIDEO
Well would you look at that! We are all D-O-N-E for today. Yewwww.
-Follow me on Facebook. Just because.
-Check out the archives. Do it, do it, do it.
-Next update will be next Thursday. It will indeed.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll get my knickers in a twist.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
