Welcome to I don't really keep track of space and time too well.
I've been so busy trying to get this update back on schedule, so ensconced in delivering, that my brain has nothing left; I have nothing of substance to write. Perhaps not surprisingly there's probably a whole bunch of near and dear who live for times when I'm like this but they're banned from Orsm. You guys are not. So go forth and devour this update. Check it...
Two old farmers are walking down a road when they hear a motorcycle behind them but are shocked when the driver passes them and the biker is headless. The two men look at each other and shrug. They continue down the road and a bicyclist comes up behind them and he, too, is headless. The two old men continue to walk down the road, when the one walking along the inside turns to the other one. "You know, Allen, I think maybe you should carry that scythe on your other shoulder".
--
At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman" said one man, scornfully "can keep a secret". "I don't know about that" answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one". "You'll let it out someday" the man insisted. "I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever!"
--
People have always named their children after expensive things - Mercedes, Dior, Chardonny etc. Next year watch out for Electricity, Food and Petrol.
--
A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mum and says "Mummy, why does the girl wear white?" His mum replies "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life". The boy thinks about this, and then says "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"
--
For the first time in many years, an old man travelled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents". "Well, sir" the attendant replied with a grin "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now".
--
A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule and the only one available was Wildlife Zoology. After one week, a test was held. The professor passed out a sheet of paper divided into four squares. In each square was a carefully drawn picture of a bird's legs. No bodies, no feet, just legs. The test asked each student to identify the birds from their legs. The student sat and stared at the test getting angrier every minute. Finally, he stomped up to the front of the classroom and threw the test on the teacher's desk. "This is the worst test I have ever given". The teacher looked up and said "Young man, you have flunked the test. What's your name?" The student pulled up his pant to the knee showing his legs and said "You tell me".
--
A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They're appalled by his haircut, tattoos and piercings. The boy leaves and the girl's mom remarks "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy". "Oh, come on, mum! If he wasn't nice, would he be doing 300 hours of community service?"
--
Gustavo, called 'Gus' by his friends and nemeses, was a mad scientist with very peculiar tastes. In particular, he was fond of the flavour of human flesh. However, he was an ethical mad scientist, so he got his meat via cloning willing subjects. Over time the number of subjects went down and down; after all, there's only so many weird folks you can find on Craigslist. Eventually he ran out of people who were willing to donate genetic material for this purpose, and he had to resort to cloning himself. But whenever he ate his cloned meat, a strange thing happened... his pee was always quite fragrant for the next day. But that's what happens when you eat a spare Gus.
--
A man with one arm wanted to jump off a bridge to end his life. When questioned why by pedestrians, he exclaimed "I can't do it anymore, I'm sick of being disadvantaged, I'm always so unhappy!" A pedestrian pointed out another man further down the bridge, who had no arms, and had drawn a crowd dancing. "Look, it can't be that bad. See how happy that guy is - he's even dancing!" Wondering what the answers to his problems could be, the one-armed man went over and asked the arm-less man "Hey buddy, I'm suicidal due to only having the one arm. What's your secret? Why are you so happy?" "Fuck off" the arm-less man replied "I'm just trying to itch my arse".
A young boy stopped by the corner store and read his list to the clerk "10 pounds of sugar at $1.25 a pound; 4 pounds of coffee at $1.50 a pound; 2 pounds of butter at $1.10 a pound and 2 bars of soap at 83 cents each. How much does that come to?" "Twenty-two dollars and thirty-six cents" replied the clerk. "If I gave you three ten-dollar notes, how much change would I get?" "Seven dollars and sixty-four cents". "Thanks! That's my maths homework done for tomorrow!"
--
A man rushes into a bar and says "Quick! Give me a pint of lager, and then a whisky, then another pint and another whisky, then a pint and a whisky, a pint and a whisky, a pint and a whisky, another pint, another whisky, and finally a pint and a whisky". As fast as the bartender is pouring the drinks, the man is knocking them back, one after the other. The bartender says "You okay, mate? What's brought this on?" The man replies "Man, I should NOT be drinking all this with what I've got..." "My god" replies the bartender "what have you got?" Man replies "About five bucks"..
--
An old, old man was lying in his death bed upstairs. His most favourite food in the world was chocolate chip cookies. As he lay there, gasping for each breath, he was sure he could smell freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies. He crawled out of bed and slowly limped down the stairs. Sure enough, across the kitchen, there was a huge platter of chocolate chip cookies on the table. He finally made it to the table and he reached a shaking hand towards the cookies. Suddenly, his wife slapped his hand sharply and yelled "DON'T TOUCH THOSE! They're for the funeral!"
A horse is sitting at home, bored, watching music vids on YouTube.
He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "That looks amazing, I want to do that!"
The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar" says the horse. "Sure" says the man on the phone "just come to your lesson and we'll get you started".
"There's just one problem" says the horse "I'm a horse". "Not to worry" the man says "we have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time".
Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken. "Hey Chicken, come over!" he says.
Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "Hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that".
Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums" says the chicken. "Sure" says the man on the phone "just come to your lesson and we'll get you started".
"There's just one problem" says the chicken "I'm a chicken". "Not to worry" the man says "we have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time".
Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse.
Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realise they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.
Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar" says the cow. "Sure" says the man on the phone "just come to your lesson and we'll get you started". "There's just one problem" says the cow "I'm a cow". "Not to worry" the man says "we have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time".
Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.
One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "Hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"
The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital. Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.
Horse is devastated.
All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death. So, the horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin.
Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn-out old hat and an equally worn-out bible.
The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories.
As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.
As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favour. "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship".
The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.
The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again, he was completely shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the man and said "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church". "I did" replied the old cowboy.
"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher. "Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said He'd never been in this church".
A guy calls a company and orders their '5-Day, 5kg Weight Loss Program'.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads "If You Can Catch Me, You Can Have Me".
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads "If You Catch Me You Can Have Me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kg as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program!
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program". "Absolutely" he replies "I haven't felt this good in years!"
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads "If I Catch You, You Are Mine".
An elderly couple was crossing the Canadian border to go to their winter recluse in Florida.
At the crossing they were stopped by an overzealous border guard, on his first day at work. He commenced to ask the couple a battery of questions.
The husband, on behalf of his almost deaf wife, answered the barrage of queries.
OFFICER: "Where are you going?" HUSBAND: "We're on vacation and going to Florida".
WIFE: "What did he say? What did he say?" HUSBAND: "He wants to know where we're going".
OFFICER: "How long will you be gone?" HUSBAND: "About one month".
WIFE: "What did he say? What did he say?" HUSBAND: "He wants to know how long we'll be gone".
OFFICER: "Where are you from?" HUSBAND: "We're from Toronto, Ontario". OFFICER: "Toronto, huh? I was there once. Nice city. Had the worst romantic experience in my life".
WIFE: "What did he say? What did he say?" HUSBAND: "He says he knows you!"
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An outlaw biker, a crip, and a homie have all been murdered and are in Hell to see Satan.
As he appears in a cloud of smoke accompanied by a little monkey with black horns and fingernails, a long tail wings and a pitchfork.
Devil says "Since you guys were up there doing my work you get a chance to return and redeem yourselves. But first you must make my monkey nod yes and then shake his head no. I'll be back in 5 minutes".
Outlaw biker goes first. He asked the monkey if he would like 50 kilos of bananas. The monkey nods yes. He asks if the monkey going to make him stay in hell. Monkey shakes his head no.
The crip goes second asking if the monkey would like a little female monkey to fuck. Monkey nods his head yes. He proceeds to ask him about staying in hell monkey shakes his head no.
The homie is squatted down in the corner smoking a cigarette as the other two advising to hurry as not much time is left. The homie takes his time getting up, combs his hair with a palm comb, put out his cigarette and rushes the monkey and beats the living shit out of him. I mean just fucked him off.
The Devil returns and looks at his monkey like what the fuck and says "Who's first?"
The Biker asks monkey if they still have a deal. Monkey tells him fuck off because he didn't jump in when the homie was fucking him up.
*POOF!* in an instant he's on the chain gang breaking rocks in hell.
Devil says "Next".
The Crip takes his turn; same result - Devil looks at the homie and says nothing, as he knows he is his monkeys assailant.
The homie gets up runs up in the monkeys face and says "Ay fucker remember that ass whooping I just gave you?" The monkey nods his head yes. Homie proceeds to ask "You want another one?"
The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers this for a moment, and then says "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezed the handle. BAM! The beaver drops dead in front of him".
"That's impossible!" says the old man in disbelief "Someone else must have shot that beaver!"
A new lady teacher came to teach 8th grade students.
As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to Introduce themselves with name and hobby.
She said "Let's start with the boys first".
The boys start giving their intro...
First boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub". The teacher was confused but said "Well, okay. Interesting. In fact, we must be honest in telling our hobby. After all there is essentially a child in each of us. So it's okay, John".
"Alright, next".
Second boy: "I'm Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub". The teacher was again surprised and said "Good. I like the spirit of supporting a friend".
"Okay next".
Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub".
Teacher: "Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere".
"Okay next".
This continues. Finally, the last boy stands up "I'm Harry and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub".
Exhausted, the teacher said "I don't think I will be able to teach un-grown boys again anytime soon. Anyway, now the girls please".
First girl: "I'm Julie and my hobby is to watch birds".
Teacher: "Good. At last I got something different. Okay next".
Second girl: "I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes".
Teacher "Finally some educated, grown up girls. Okay next. You, sweet girl. Yes you..."
He most beautiful girl in the class gets up: "Mam, my name is Bubble, and my hobby is to take bath three times a day".
He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counsellor. He thinks to himself "I know I led a wild life but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this". Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counsellor.
COUNSELLOR: "What's the problem, you look depressed?"
GUY: "Well, what do you think? I'm in hell". COUNSELLOR: "Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?" GUY: "Sure, I love a drink". COUNSELLOR: "Well then, you are going to LOVE Monday's. On Monday's we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much a you want. We party all night long. You'll love Monday's. Do you smoke?"
GUY: "Yes, as a matter of fact I do". COUNSELLOR: "You are going to LOVE Tuesday's. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesday's. Do you do drugs?"
GUY: "Well... in my younger days I experimented a little". COUNSELLOR: "You are going to LOVE Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?"
GUY: "Oh yes, I like to gamble". COUNSELLOR: "You are going to LOVE Thursday's because we gamble all day and night - Blackjack, Craps, Poker, Slots, horse races - everything! You are going to love Thursday's. Are you gay?"
GUY: "Well, no I'm not". COUNSELLOR: "Oh dear, you're gonna hate Friday's..."
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There was a school where every morning when the teachers entered the classrooms, at 8am sharp, they would say "Good morning!" and all the kids, in one voice answered "GOOD MORNING!"
Next to the school was a retirement home and the school's morning routine started to annoy the residents.
A few of the old people got together, went to the principal and asked to change this noisy custom. The principal understood, had a meeting with all teachers and told them "Starting tomorrow, when you enter the class room, nod your head, the kids will do the same and start the lesson".
The teachers went each to their classroom, explained to the students the new custom that will start next morning.
Tucker, the trouble kid wasn't at school that day.
Next day, when the new custom was to be used first time, Tucker was in the class room too. The teacher enters the classroom, nods his head, the students nod their heads, but Tucker, from the back of the class rooms yells "SUCK MY DICK!"
He said to himself "Two plus five, the son of bitch is seven. Three plus six, the son of bitch is nine..."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped "What are you doing?" The little boy answered "I'm doing my maths homework, mum". "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it??" the mother asked. "Yes" he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day "What are you teaching my son in maths?" The teacher replied "Right now, we are learning addition". The mother asked "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the son of bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four".
Well guys, girls and spirit animals, we're all done. Up to date and all over for the week. Want more? Read on!
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. It's exactly what you need.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Well, I think so anyway.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll huff and I'll puff...
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
Thursdays, they do come around quick, don’t they? And how long before another one? A week? A DAY?? And do you know what else comes around too quickly? Elections. We're up for the big one to decide who runs the joint in May... so that’s 5 weeks of utterly toxic shit from a bunch of cunts no one wants to hear from. This is actually one of those things that could be worse - the whole shebang, all the campaigning, is over and done in 5 weeks. Worlds apart from the US's 12+ months of insanity but far less entertaining. It's also that time of the year where all my big bills are due - house and car insurance, rego and cars' servicing to name a few. S'okay though - just work harder, right? Like I did on this update. It’s a beast AND a machine rolled into one pretty package. Check it...
I don't believe in hitting my children as a form or punishment. So I send them to school in a Justin Bieber T-shirt and a pair of Crocs and let the other kids do it for me.
--
Husband to wife: "Today is a fine day". Next day he says "Today is a fine day". Again, next day, he says same thing "Today is a fine day". Finally, after a week, the wife asks her husband "Since last week, you are saying today is a fine day. I am fed up. What's the matter?" Husband "Last week when we had an argument, you said, I will leave you one fine day. I was just trying to remind you".
--
A high-school English teacher reminded her class of the final exam that would be given the following day. She told the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asked "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said "Not an excuse. You can write with your other hand".
--
A guy is dragging a cabbage down the street on a lead. His mate says "Why are you dragging that cabbage about?" The guy says "Cabbage! The bloke in the shop said it was a Collie!"
--
A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks "What are you doing?" She replies "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25-year-old". The husband retorts "Well, what did he say about your 50-year-old arse?" She replies "Frankly dear, your name never came up".
--
From now on, I'll believe in The Prophet Muhammad. I decided to go to the local Mosque for the first time, to see what it was all about. I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said "By the will of Allah the All Mighty, and the Prophet Muhammad, you will walk today". I told him I was not paralysed. He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated the same thing. Once again, I told him there is nothing wrong with me. After the prayers, I stepped outside my car was gone!
--
When I was 13 and my father caught me smoking. He made me smoke 20 cigarettes, one after each other, to teach me a lesson and put me off them for life. I'm just grateful he never caught me having a wank.
--
One day while driving in a thunderstorm, a man got a flat tyre outside a monastery. A monk came out and invited him inside to have dinner and spend the night. The motorist accepted. That night he had a wonderful dinner of fish and chips. He decided to compliment the chef. Entering the kitchen, he asked the cook "Are you the fish friar?" "No" the man replied "I'm the chip monk".
--
After making love to Kylie Minogue yesterday I think there are 2 things you all need to know. She really is as sexy as hell; secondly the staff at Madam Tussauds are miserable bastards with no sense of humour.
--
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said "I was cleaning the father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!" "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them all in the trash". The second nun said "Well, yesterday, I was in the father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms". "Oh my" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them" she replied. The third nun said "Oh shit".
--
Two little boys are talking to each other. One of them says "What does your dad do for a living?" The other says "He is a lawyer". The first one says "Honest?" "No, just a regular lawyer".
--
I've just seen a dwarf struggling to carry a plasma TV back to his car so I thought I'd be good and asked "Can you manage with that telly, mate?" Angrily he answered "FUCK OFF, IT'S AN IPAD!".
Two policemen call the station on the radio "Hello is that you, sarge?" "YES" "I think we have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean". "Have you arrested her?" "No, sir" the floor is still wet".
--
An usher at a movie theatre notices a customer laying across three seats near the back of the theatre. He tells the customer that he can only take up one seat. The customer just moans and rolls his eyes. The usher goes to get his supervisor who also tells the customer he must only take one seat or he will call the police. Once again, the customer just moans and rolls his eyes. The supervisor calls the police, who come and tell the customer that he has been told by the usher and the manager to sit up and that he can only take up one seat. "What's wrong with you?" they ask. The customer just moans and rolls his eyes. The police officer asks the man "Where did you come from?" The man lifts a hand in the air, and says "The balcony".
--
I got home the other day and my wife was sitting on the couch with two of her gorgeous friends. She said, we were just talking about having a foursome if you're up for it. She smiled and winked. Two minutes later I appeared naked with my dick in my hand. They all had tennis rackets in theirs.
--
My friend quit his job down at the can crushing facility. He told me it was soda pressing.
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it. 2. Extension to rule #1- So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face. 4. Extension to rule #3- No I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles. 6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get' it is NEVER okay to fart. 8. Having my period does not mean that it's 'hummer week'. Get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now!
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue balls" might have worked on high school girls. If you're that desperate, go wank off. 10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behaviour to be repeated in the future. 12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content. 14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathise or brag. 16. Just because "It's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".
BLOW JOB ETIQUETTE - A Man's Rebuttal
1. First of all, yes you ARE obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will. 2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you? 4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop your bitching and moaning. Suck it up, princess. 6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get, trust me.
7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the shit end of the stick in flavour country. 8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
9. Play with the balls. 10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
11. Caress the arse, too. We like that. 12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old and fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".
13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face now will you?
He's having a pint with his mate Bob who has a club foot. After a lengthy session, Jim decides it's time to head home and says goodbye to Bob. It's already quite late, so Jim decides to take a shortcut home through the cemetery.
As he's walking through, suddenly a figure appears from behind a tombstone in front of him. It's the Devil.
"Hey you" says the Devil "what's that on your back there?" "Oh, that's my hump" Jim says to the Devil. "Well, give it here" says the Devil. And he reaches over and grabs it off Jim's back and puts it into a sack.
The Devil then disappears again and Jim walks home, standing up straight for the first time in years - happy as can be.
The next night Bob is back in the pub when in walks Jim; standing tall with no hump in sight.
"My goodness, Jim. What happened you. Where did your hump go!?" "Ah, I took a shortcut through the cemetery last night and I met the Devil! He took the hump right off my back and disappeared with it in his sack. I reckon if you take a shortcut through the cemetery tonight you might meet him and he could fix your club foot".
After another lengthy session Bob decides it's time to head home and he starts walking. He comes to the cemetery gates and decides it's worth a risk to see if he can finally get rid of his club foot. Sure enough, he starts walking through the cemetery when, all of a sudden, out pops the Devil just like Jim said.
"Hey you" says the Devil "What's that on your back there?" "On my back?" says Bob "Nothing". The Devil reaches into his sack and says "Well, here's a hump for it".
A Scottish soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist. "Five pounds" says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?" "Ten pounds " says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandanna, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
"The regiment has taken a vote" he says. "We'll have a new one".
God said "Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles".
St. FRANCIS: "It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass".
God: "Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?"
St. Francis: "Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn".
God: "The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy".
St. Francis: "Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week".
God: "They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?"
St. Francis: "Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags".
God: "They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?"
St. Francis: "No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away".
God: "Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?"
St. Francis: "Yes, Sir".
God: "These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work".
St. Francis: "You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it".
God: "What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life".
St. Francis: "You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away".
God: "No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?"
St. Francis: "After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves".
God: "And where do they get this mulch?"
St. Francis: "They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch".
God: "Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?"
St. Catherine: "Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a story about..."
God: "Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis".
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A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in a hangar at JFK New York.
It's fogged in and they have nothing to do.
One of them says to the other "Man, have you got anything to drink?" The other one says "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and it will kinda give you a buzz".
So they get to drinking it, get smashed and have a great time, like only drinking buddies can!
The following morning, one of the men wakes up and he just knows his head will explode if he gets up, but it doesn't. He gets up and feels good. In fact, he feels great! No hangover!
The phone rings. It's his buddy. The buddy says "Hey, how do you feel?" "Great" he said! "Just great!" The buddy says "Yeah, I feel great too, and no hangover. That jet fuel stuff is great. We should do this more often!"
"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing..." "What's that?"
He realises he is lost after a while and soon sees another man jogging in the forest. The first man asks the second man for directions, and the second man says "Sure! I have a truck we can take into the city".
The first man agrees, thinking that the second man is camping nearby with his truck. The second man then squats a little and looks over at the first man. "Are you getting in?" he asks the first man.
The first man realises that this guy is crazy, but before he can refuse, the second man waives a gun at him, saying he will harm him if he doesn't "get into the truck".
The second man squats with the first man and they begin running through the forest in a squat. They reach a security cabin in the forest where a police officer is standing outside.
The officer approaches the two men and asks what's going on. The first man immediately tells the officer how he's being forced to ride in 'the truck' and that the second man is insane. The officer nods, arrests the second guy, and tells the first man to come with him, and they'll drive into the city.
"We'll take my motorcycle. It has a sidecar you can ride in" the officer tells the first man. The first man agrees.
The police officer squats and looks at the first man. "Get in! You can't stay out here, people just escaped from the psychiatric hospital at the edge of the forest and they'll find you" the officer tells the first man.
The first man squats next to the officer, and they begin to run together.
"Damn" the first man exclaims, squatting and running low to the ground. "I should have stayed in the truck!"
I had a friend who loved to mix drinks and make new ones.
One day he made a huge discovery. This new drink was an instant hit. Everyone would ask him for the recipe, but he refused to give it to anyone. He called it his 'Special Punch'.
This went on for years, with plenty of people trying to mix drinks themselves to try to figure out the recipe. Still, nobody could figure it out.
One day I was with him when we heard about a competition for mixed drinks. Before I could even begin to suggest he enter, he said he could win easily. The competition was in a few days, so he entered and went to go get all the ingredients he would need.
On the day of the competition, he woke up late. He left home in a rush, grabbing everything he needed and driving off. I was there waiting for when he arrived. Unfortunately, all the other competitors had begun setting up and he had to set up at the very end and would be the last one to be judged.
He asked me to go scout out the competition. I knew he just didn't want we there when he mixed his drink, so I did as he asked. When I got back, his face was a little pale. I asked him what was wrong.
Apparently, he was in such a rush when he left home that he grabbed a wrong ingredient. We tasted it and new he wouldn't win. I urged him to back out of the completion, giving him some great reasons to do so. He refused to back out, saying it would look bad.
The judging began.
As the last one to be judged, we waited over an hour before the judges got to him. As they each waited in line to get a cup, I could tell that they were getting tired. As each one tasted his drink, each judge spit it out almost instantly. It was declared the worst drink in the competition.
As he stood there in shock trying to come to terms with what happened, I reminded him of what I had said earlier. The argument I made for him to drop out of the competition. Nobody likes to wait that long just to find a bad punch line at the end.
Little Johnny spends the weekend at his grandmother's house.
She tells him the only rule she has is that he's not allowed in her room unless it's an ABSOLUTE emergency. Johnny agrees, and goes about his day playing around the house.
Late that afternoon, his grandmother excuses herself, and goes to her room, shutting the door behind her. She's gone for several minutes, and curiosity gets the best of Johnny. He plays by himself for a bit before 'accidentally' hitting his knee on the edge of a table, thus making it an emergency to get a Band-Aid.
He cautiously walks up to his grandmother's bedroom door, opens it quietly, and enters quickly. He doesn't see her immediately, but there is another door, and he hears some noises coming from behind it.
Now fully-invested in discovering what's going on, he opens the door, only to see his naked grandmother stepping out of the shower. Horrified, he runs back downstairs screaming.
A few minutes later, his grandmother comes downstairs, and scolds him for coming into her room. Johnny apologises, but is visibly upset.
His grandmother asks if he has any questions about what he saw. Johnny says "yeah... What was that hairy thing between your legs?" Not knowing what to say, his grandmother replies "Oh... that's... um.... that's my Beaver". "Your Beaver?" Johnny asks "Is it dead?" "Dead?! Heaven's no!" his grandmother said in shock. Johnny looked up at her confused "Then why was its tongue hanging out like that?"
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A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up.
One is a good-looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner tells them "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says "I'll go first". She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor.
He remarks "I've never seen a display like that in my life".
He then turns to the young man and asks "Can you top that?" "No problem" replies the young man "just get that lion out of the way".
The six-year-old says "You know, it's about time we started to swear". The four-year-old says "Okay!"
The six-year-old says "From now on I'll say 'hell' and you say 'arse'". The four-year-old says " Okay!"
So they go downstairs and their mother says "What would you boys like for breakfast?" The six-year-old says "Oh what the hell, I'll have Corn Flakes".
*WHACK!*
The kid goes flying across the room.
The mother turns to the four-year-old and asks "And what would YOU like for breakfast?" The four-year-old says "I don't know, but you can bet your arse it's not Corn Flakes!"
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.
The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop and said "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer!"
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.
"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly. "The flight was exciting and the room was lovely" she said "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
Well everythey, that's Orsm 100% D-O-N-E for this week. I hope it was worth your time. If not, there's always next week!
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. Note: I offer no guarantees it will be the absolute greatest experience of your life... except it obviously will be.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Same Orsm channel, same Orsm time.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll take mey belt off...
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2022.04.14-20.07
Welcome to an excitable reaction is available upon request.
Ah Easter. The happiest time of the year. The chocolate isn't much good to me these days but I do like the four-day break. To help bring extra joy to the season I've prepared a deeply-fulfilling, soul-satisfying, dairy-free update. Now run along and check it...
The boss of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trekking across the Antarctic. Paramedics said he could have done with another coat.
--
I phoned the police the other day. "What's your emergency?" they asked. I said "Two girls are fighting over me". "Okay..." she paused. "Well, what's the problem?" "The fat one's winning".
--
An impotent bus driver goes to see his doctor. He wants some Viagra, but he doesn't want his wife to know about it. The doctor prescribes it for him and he heads off to the pharmacist. Home is a good hour away so the bus driver quickly downs one of the little blue pills. When he gets home, he doesn't even have to tell his wife with words. That twinkle in his eye speaks volumes. They tear off each other's clothes and are quickly in bed. He manages to 'rise to the occasion' three times. He expects his wife to be delighted, but instead, she seems rather sad. "What's wrong, dear?" he asks. "I think your job is taking over every aspect of your life and it's doing you in" she sighs. "What do you mean?" "I mean... even our sex life is like the bus service. Nothing for ages, and then three comes at once!"
--
Two boys are in the woods They were walking when they noticed two girls getting naked in a nearby pond. One kid bolted the other way and the other one chased after him. "Why did you leave, man!? That was the prime opportunity for us to see naked chicks!" Then the other kid said "Well, my mum said if I ever see a naked girl before I'm married, I'll turn to stone and I felt something getting hard!"
--
My wife said that my immaturity was beginning to erect barriers in our relationship... hehehe erect.
--
The missus crashed her car into some guy this morning. She told the police the guy had been on his mobile and drinking a beer from a can at the time. The police said he was entitled to do what he wanted in his own living room.
--
The orchestra conductor was very upset with his violin section. "If you don't play the violin like its supposed to be played, I am going to take away your violins and bows and give you two drum sticks and put you in the percussion section!" At this point, the lead drummer said "Yeah, and if you can't play the drums, we are going to take away one of your sticks and make you the conductor!"
--
Telephone rings, woman answers. Pervert, breathing heavily, says "I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?" Woman replies "Yes, I have. He's watching the footy... who shall I say is calling?"
--
My wife just came in and said "I don't know if I'm coming or going". I said to her "Judging by the look on your face you're going, because when you're coming you look like a fucking squirrel trying to whistle!"
--
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after testing positive for WD40.
--
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed". "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion".
--
A woman gets on the bus with her baby. The bus driver says "Fuck! that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen". The woman walks to her seat fuming and sits down. She says to the man sitting next to her. "That bus driver just insulted me". He says "You go up there and give him a piece of your mind. Go on, I'll hold your monkey".
A group of kids on street were calling their friend Johnny through his window. "Johnny, come out to play!" "I can't, I'm sick". Johnny replied. "what's wrong with you?" kids asked. I'm fucking my sister" said Johnny.
--
Two lawyers, Jon and Fred, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers Fred a $50 bet. Fred agrees and they're off. They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, Fred is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. "Help me find my ball. Look over there" he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four-shot penalty, Fred secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces. "After all of the years we've been partners and playing together" Jon says "you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?" "What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!" "And you're a liar, too!" Jon says. "I'll have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!"
--
Husband: "Honey, I invited a friend home for dinner". Wife: "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't cook meal". Husband: "I know all that". Wife: "Then why did you invite the friend?" Husband: "Because the fool is thinking about getting married".
--
My Australian friend asked me to go see the new James Bond. I said "No time to die"? He replied "We can go tomorrow then!"
A man and his husband were talking one evening over dinner when the more effeminate one expressed he was feeling a bit down in the dumps.
The husband enquired as to what was happening.
Twink: "Well, I'm not feeling very 'manly' lately".
Bear: "Oh hun, you are you and I love you, but why?"
Twink: *sighs* "I don't have any hair on my chest like you, and sometimes I think, I could be more of a man for you if I had more hair on my chest"
The bear, letting out a big laugh at this point couldn't believe his ears.
Bear: "I love you no matter what, but if you feel strongly about it, why don't you go to the doctors and see what they say?"
The twink, excited by this idea, set off to the doctors.
The twink enquired...
Twink: "Doctor, I've been feeling really down about not being very masculine and that I don't have any chest hair, is there anything you can do for me?"
The doctor, slightly confused by all this but wanting to be helpful replied that he hadn't heard of any cures for chest hair growth, but would still would check.
Doctor: "I couldn't think of anything, but there is an article here that says 'KY Jelly' has been shown to increase hair growth in some instances".
The twink, rather excited by this news ran home immediately to test the doctor's advice.
It was late in the evening when he was in the bedroom, busy rubbing their supply of KY into the chest when his husband arrived home.
"What the hell are you doing with all the KY?" asked the Bear. The twink, very happy with himself at this point replied "Well, the doctor said if I rubbed KY into my chest it could help grow hair on my chest!" The Bear, not missing a beat "If that was true you'd have a bloody pony tail growing out of your arsehole by now!!!"
Some days ago, I experienced something wonderful, which I want to share with you. I went to a religious shop and found a car sticker saying: "Honk if you love God!" I decided to buy it and stick it on the bumper of my car.
When I went away, I was in the rush hour. Almost 100 degrees outside. I was at a very busy crossroads, with lots of traffic. I stopped there, as the traffic light was red, and I decided to thank God for everything he gave me.
Although I didn't realise that the traffic light had turned green, I found out that there were a lot of people who loved God, because they began to honk. It was wonderful!
The man in the car behind me was, for sure, very religious, as he was honking repeatedly and shouting "For the love of God!". Just like him, a lot of people began to honk as well. I happily smiled and waved, with my hand out of the car window.
I also noticed that a guy behind me was waving in a very special way, pointing his middle finger at me. I asked your cousin Alex, who was with me, what that gesture meant. He told me it was a "Hawaiian salutation" to wish good luck! So I began to greet everyone the same way.
Alex was laughing a lot, probably because of the marvellous religious experience he was going through.
Two men got out of their car and walked toward ours. I believe they wanted to pray with me, or perhaps they wanted to know what church I go to. But then I realised that the traffic light was green! I greeted my brothers and sisters with my Hawaiian salutation and moved forward.
However, I also noticed that my car was the only one that moved, as the light turned red after that. I felt bad for leaving my beloved brothers and sisters behind after we shared so much love. I stopped, got out of the car, and did my Hawaiian salutation for the last time.
Don't forget to thank God from the bottom of your heart when you go through something wonderful, such as this marvellous experience I had with all these men and women.
A girl named Yu was being held captive by a tribe of goblins.
The goblins were very particular about how they did things, as they enjoyed toying with their captives. They all had a bizarre sense of humour.
"Let me go!" shouted Yu, who was suspended twenty feet in the air by ropes and pulleys. The goblins just chuckled at the fact that they knew she could never escape until another adventurer would arrive to participate in their sick games.
An hour passed, and a merchant named Richard the Wise arrived. He carried a large backpack full of supplies. When he noticed that something was wrong, he rushed to help.
"What happened to you?" called Richard. But by then it was too late. The goblins had re-emerged from the shadows, and their leader approached Richard and made an offer.
"I can release this girl if you participate in some of our games". said the Goblin King. "What kind of games are you talking about?" asked Richard. "Our first offer is musical chairs". "Musical chairs? I have asthma, I can't be running around in circles like that!"
"How about you just cut onions below her until she cries?" "What the hell kind of game is that? Besides, I can't do that either, I'm allergic".
"You've got some damn gall coming in here unarmed trying to save a woman with a big sack of loot on your back. What are you even carrying?" "Only toilet paper, sir".
"Toilet paper??? What the fuck?" "That's just what I sell..."
"Okay, fine, I've had enough of you. If you don't want to do anything else, make up some nasty rumour about her and I'll let you both go. Just say she steals from kids or shits in the street or something".
"I can't do that either, that's going to damage her reputation in town!" "You're really annoying, mister!" Yu said. "If you aren't going to release the rope or play musical chairs, at least chop some onions, defame me, give me to the goblins to seal my fate, or leave me so I can figure this out on my own".
"I believe I can't do that". Rick replied. "I'm never gonna give you up. I'm never gonna let you down. I'm never gonna run around and desert you. I'm never gonna make you cry. I'm never gonna say goodbye. I'm never gonna tell a lie and hurt you".
The goblins were pissed and looked like they were going to attack.
Suddenly, Richard opened his backpack, and threw all of the toilet paper it contained at the goblins as a last-ditch attempt. But he could never save her. After all that time and effort, Yu just got Rick rolled.
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but He had two extra things left in his bag of creations.
So He decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things He had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.
"It's a very handy thing" God told the couple "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability".
Adam jumped up and blurted "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals. I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool; I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who You give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..."
On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.
And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while.
And it was good.
"Fine" God said, looking back into His bag of leftover gifts "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."
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During his time there, he was in charge of a covert operation to spy on a Russian military installation which was directly next to a small lake.
He was in charge of a small team of highly trained soldiers, a few locals recruited to help with the operation and a habitually drunk medic.
When they reached their encampment beside the lake, Connery assembled his teams. He asked each team (the soldiers and the locals) to propose to him a plan for spying on the base.
A few hours later, the teams returned.
The soldiers arrived dressed in large mallard costumes and suggested they could submerge themselves in the cold Russian waters. From here they could listen for any information coming from the base. They begged to be sent out. They were brave and wanted to serve their country.
The locals turned up dressed as lobsters and explained that they could float around the lake, listening for information. However, they told a sob story about how none of them had known their fathers due to previous wars, and don't want to leave their children with the same fate. They begged to not be sent into the field.
Connery asked the medic if he had anything that the soldiers could take to help them avoid hypothermia. The medic nodded, and stumbled off drunk to look through his supplies. Unfortunately, in his drunken state he grabbed a bottle of unmarked laxatives and delivered it to Connery.
Connery agreed that the solider should be the ones to go, gave them what he thought was a tonic to keep them warm and sent them on their way.
From their secure location, Connery watched the situation through binoculars. After an hour or so, the feathered soldiers began moving around uncomfortably and nearly simultaneously both jumped out of the water, pulled down their mallard leg pants and began having violent diarrhea everywhere.
Nobody moved. Connery, agitated, turned to the locals (still dressed as lobsters) and said:
"Go help them you shellfish bastards! They're SHITTING DUCKS!"
Peter is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.
It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought...
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realise that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business..." "Very well my son. Please follow me".
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man "Please knock on this door".
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway".
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
I was driving down the highway after a long day's work.
Traffic was light, not much of a problem. I was listening to the radio and thinking about my evening. It's not that I was distracted, I just never expected it to happen. Sure enough, on the road was some leftover glass from an accident that morning.
And I drove right over it.
The car swerved, and I gripped the wheel tight and tried to keep control.
After a lot of back and forth, and a few near misses, I finally got the car running straight again, but I heard this terrible grinding and the car was bumping up and down.
I quickly pulled over.
Looking at the traffic around me, I waited until I could safely exit the vehicle. Finally, my moment came, and I looked at the car. Body seemed alright, and I didn't see any damage from anything. But the wheels...
My two front tires were completely shredded, and it didn't look like that was going to be recoverable. My back tires, miraculously, were fine. Not a scratch. I had no spare tire.
I called the tow company, and they said they'd take an hour to get there, but there was a gas station a mile away and if I could get the car there, they had a garage which would replace my tires and I could get home.
Anyway, after pushing the car for 100 meters, I quit and got back in to wait. I was two-tired, you see.
DON'T YOU HATE WHEN THEY'RE FALLING OUT? ME EITHER!
It's 10 pm and a rich businessman, Mr. Bettles, is working at his home office when his wife enters the room shouting.
"I have talked with our priest, he told me everything! You cheat on me by going to the strip club! I am going to go to the lawyer and get a divorce, and you'll give me half of everything! Even the secret offshore bank account!"
To this the husband replies "No, darling. I actually only go to the club when I have worked for long hours with a foreign businessman. At the end of the day, he is tired, doesn't know what to do, so I accompany him and leave him there".
The wife doesn't seem convinced, so she asks to go to the strip club with her husband and check. The husband reluctantly agrees.
At the entrance, the bouncer greets them: "Good evening Mr. Bettles!" The husband quickly explains to his wife "This bouncer is actually the brother of one of my employees, I found him this job, that's why he knows me and greets me so kindly".
In the hall, a waitress also greets them and says "I will give you your favourite table, Mr Bettles, right in front of the stage". The wife starts shouting, but Mr Bettles silences her "I am a very important businessman. The waitress is just showing me respect and giving me a special table".
Inside, another waitress approaches them, brings a cigar to Mr Bettles and says "Here's your favourite cigar, Mr Bettles".
The wife is getting quite angry, but he immediately clarifies "She also works at the tobacconist near my office during the day, that's why she knows which cigars I prefer".
Meanwhile, a group of girls is dancing and on the stage. At the end, the nicest girl remains on her own on the stage and starts removing all of her clothes. At the end she gets her underwear off, holds it up and asks the audience "To whom shall I gift them?" To which the audience responds in a chorus "Give them to Bettles!"
The wife gets mad and starts shouting to her husband. "Cheater! Bastard! You were lying to me all along!" she says, before storming out of the building and jumping in a taxi. Mr Bettles follows her quickly and manages to enter the same taxi, but she keeps screaming and also repeatedly hitting him with her purse.
After a while, the taxi driver turns back and says "Mr Bettles, we have carried a lot of prostitutes here, but I don't remember ever seeing such an old, ugly and spiteful one!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are drowning their sorrows down the pub.
"I can't believe it" says the Englishman. "Me and the wife, we've been together 15 years and today I found out she's been having an affair with a builder". "How do you know it was a builder?" the others ask. "I found a box of tools under the bed".
"Join the club" says the Scotsman. "Today, I found out my wife's been having an affair with a milkman". "How do you know it was a milkman?" the others ask". I found a crate of milk under the bed".
"You as well?" asks the Irishman. "I've just found out the wife was having an affair with a fookin' horse!"
The other two look at him incredulously. "How do you know it was a horse?" "I found a jockey hiding under the bed".
A turtle and a frog were sitting on a log on the far side of the pond.
The turtle turned to the frog and said "I'll bet you I can beat you to the other side of the pond!" The frog, always bragging about how fast he was, exclaimed "No way! Not with THESE legs! I can swim TWICE as fast as you can!" "Okay, I'll bet you 3 flies I can beat you to the other side" the turtle said wryly. "You're on!" the frog said, as he jumped into the water.
"On your mark, get set, GO!" the turtle yelled loudly. And with that, the turtle dove deep into the water, swimming in a slow and steady pace near the bottom of the pond.
The frog continued skimming along the surface at a frantic pace, far ahead of the turtle, until he had almost reached the other shore.
Right when he was about to hop out of the water, a nearby alligator snapped him up in the middle of his jaws, with the frog still hanging partially out of his mouth.
A few moments later, the turtle calmly got out of the water and onto the shore, dried himself off, looked at the alligator straight in the eye and said "See? I TOLD you I could get you frog legs for dinner!"
I ran into the gas station with my mask on saying "This is a stick up!"
The clerk laughed.
The man paying for a coffee laughed.
The lady grabbing a candy bar laughed.
They thought I was joking, so I quickly made a small purchase.
When the cashier had the drawer open, I said "Hand me the large bills and a carton behind the counter".
The clerk nearly keeled over in laughter.
The man spit out his first sip of coffee.
The lady handed me a Snickers and said "Thanks for sharing the Snickers with us today".
I've never felt more misunderstood by a group of hostages in my life. I locked the door and said I was serious, if one more person laughs, they're going to get it!
The entire store nearly lost it, splitting their sides they chuckled their hardest laugh.
The man with a coffee, while walking up to me said "Before you walked in, the clerk told me to have a great day and I told him, the only thing that would make my last day on the force great would be if an unarmed idiot walked in the door and robbed the place right now. The lady joked that if I got that lucky, she'd buy them a candy bar for the ride, so, enjoy it arsehole! You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be held against you..."
Well folks that's what I can an 'update'... which, according to the definition, means to "make (something) more modern or up to date". See? I'm not wrong.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. OTOH if you don't think more than two-decades of Orsm is something you would like then nooooo worries.
-Next update will be next Thursday. I really don't need to bang on about this do it?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll be forced to respond with violence (not love).
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2022.04.07-16.39
Welcome to this revelation.
Can someone please tell me how the fuck we're in April already? We're officially 13 updates deep and, scrolling back through the archives, the Christmas update is still as fresh as ever in my mind. The most cocerning part of this though is that I'm hurtling towards death at a faster rate than ever before. Oh well... sucks to me then huh? Let's try and get a few more good updates in before its all over. Like this one. Check it...
I met a beautiful young woman at a nightclub, we were getting on very well when she said she had something to show me. She removed her wig and she was totally bald. ""It's alopecia." she said "But if you still like me, you can ask me anything". "Well, I have always wanted to know, so I asked her straight. Does your condition make you bald in other places?" She whispered in my ear "There's only one way to find out". "Of course" I thought "What an idiot, forgetting about Google at a time like this".
--
A boy comes home from school and runs to his father. The boy says "Dad, a boy in my class keeps calling me a fag". "Oh yeah? Well then beat him up!" says his dad. The boy replies "I can't dad!" "Why not son?" The boy looking away says "Because he's kinda cute".
--
A woman went to the hospital emergency admitting, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes being examined, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her, and asked what the problem was? After listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room. Then, the older doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room. "What the hell's WRONG with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 68-years-old, she has two grown children, AND several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant!" The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said "Does she still have the hiccups?"
--
A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They made love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks it up. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation "Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye". She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks "Who was that?" "Oh" she replies "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you".
--
A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the middle of the road, making love. He blew his horn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realising that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them. Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!" The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes".
--
Two businessmen in a shopping centre were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop. As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling". No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you selling here?" One of the men replied sarcastically "We're selling arseholes". Without skipping a beat, the old woman said "Must be doing well... you only have two left".
--
Always borrow money from a pessimist. They'll never expect it back.
--
Moscow man buys a newspaper, glances at the front page then throws it in the bin. Next day he does exactly the same. Third day he does it again. Eventually the newspaper seller snaps "WHY do you do that?" "Oh, I'm just checking for an obituary". "But obituaries aren't even on the front page". "Oh, the one I'm looking for will be!"
--
I phoned the government, and asked what precautions they had taken against a Dalek invasion.
They told me steps had been put in place.
--
A parrot accidentally swallowed a viagara tablet and went berserk. He started humping everything he could lay his wings on. The owner called the vet who said that the overheating could damage his brain so asked him to put the parrot in a freezer. The owner somehow caught the parrot and forced into the freezer and forced it shut. After 10 mins, he slowly opened only to find the parrot sweating profusely. The owner asked "Why are you sweating?" The parrot said "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"
--
"It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honor" testified the man charged with indecent exposure. "Explain that statement!" demanded the Judge. "Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman, so I showed her".
--
During a Papal audience, a businessman approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily chicken" and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope shook his head and said no to the offer. Two weeks later the businessman approached the Pope again, this time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again, the Pope declined. A month later the man offers 100 million, and this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, the Pope announces his decision. "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account".
--
One night, this guy comes into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried. "What's the matter?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight" explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days". The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender. "Yeah, except today is the last night".
--
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother was putting cold cream on her face. "Why are you rubbing that cream on your face, mummy?" he asked. "To stay pretty for daddy" said his mother. A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter mommy?" asked Little Johnny "Giving up?"
My friend keeps saying "Cheer up, man. You could be in an underground hole full of water". I know he means well.
--
Two law partners hire a new cute, young secretary and a contest arises between them as to who can bed her first, even though they're both already married. Eventually one of them scores with her and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went. "So what did you think?" he asks. "Ahh" replies the first lawyer "my wife is better". Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer goes to bed with the secretary. "So" asks the first guy "what did you think?" The second guy replies "You were right".
--
Sad news at the Nestle factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of white chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath. He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "The Milky Bars are on me" everyone cheered.
--
My friend and I frequently give conjugal visits to an all-female prison, to remind the inmates what it's like to have a selfless guy go down on them. It just gives us some scents of perp-puss.
A man spots an empty beach as he frantically searches for a place to land his plane.
He's run out fuel but he is a skilled enough pilot to guide his aircraft down and gracefully crash into the sand. He comes in at a small angle and exits his vehicle without a scratch on him.
"Damn it, what could have gone wrong?"
He ponders for a short while before he starts assessing the damages. The propeller is mangled but the wings are intact. He sees his landing gear ripped off the plane and sticking up in the sand 15 meters away. Thinking that he'll be able to salvage and repair his plane he walks over to the detached parts and starts digging through the sand to collect all the pieces. He uncovers a chunk of metal that is brass, an unusual metal for airplanes.
Curious, he rubs off the layers of dirt to reveal a foreign language that begin to glow. Smoke pours out of the now obvious antique oil lamp and forms into a genie.
"Thank you, kind stranger, it has been many years since I have been trapped in that lamp. As a show of gratitude, I will grant you one wish! I am a genie, not a fool so do not try to abuse my power. Give me good reason not to turn your desires against you and I will not".
After a few moments of chin scratching and looking around him, the man responds. "I'm constantly making the same mistakes, over and over. Take this for instance, this is my second air plane. I can never figure out what I'm doing wrong. Please, Mr. Genie, I wish for better hindsight".
With a raised eyebrow and a short pause, the Genie asks "Are you really sure this what you want?"
"Yes!" the man answers with no hesitation.
"It is done!". With a loud gust of wind, the genie flies out to sea. The man sits in the sand and looks out towards the sunset. "I should have fuelled up before I left!" he says as he puts his face into his palms.
He looks up in horror. "I should have wished for better foresight!"
There was once a racer named Ramiro, who was the best racer in all of America.
He believed he could never be beaten, and followed accordingly. He was also a 12-time winner of the Daytona 500 with a Chevy at hand.
But one day, during a race, a full black Toyota driven by a Native American rookie named Dead Horse passed him right before the finish line. Dead Horse won by so little, in fact, that his time on the scoreboard was always 0.001 seconds faster than Ramiro.
Ramiro, infuriated, decided to sabotage Dead Horse's Camry the next year.
The day rolled around, and the night before, Ramiro had snuck into Dead Horse's garage, and changed the engine to that of a Piaggio motorcycle.
When the race started, something was odd. Dead Horse was accelerating extremely slowly. He had to retire, and as a result Ramiro was winning again.
As Ramiro approached the finish line, he noticed his brakes were fatiguing. Unfazed, he floored it and accelerated towards the finish.
Slamming the brakes after he passed it, the brakes all simultaneously burst due to overuse. The shrapnel in turn caused the steering system to malfunction, causing Ramiro to crash into a wall and making his car explode into a burst of flames.
Ramiro won, but at the cost he died.
His death teaches us that though you can keep dealing with your opponents, it's not good to beat a Dead Horse.
WE SHOULD ALL ASPIRE TO BOAT OWNERSHIP. HERE'S WHY...
Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her 9-year-old son in the closet.
One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says "It's dark in here, isn't it? "Yes it is" the man replies. "You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks. "No thanks" the man replies. "I think you do want to buy a baseball" the little extortionist continues. "Okay. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in. "Twenty-five dollars" the little boy replies. "TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off. "Yes it is" replies the man. "Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks. "Okay. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. "Fifty dollars" the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch". "I can't. I sold them" replies the little boy. "How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy. "Seventy-five dollars" the little boy says. "SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness; the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Don't you start that crap in here now" the priest says.
They were talking, and eventually they end up talking about their significant others back home.
The first guy said his girlfriend is happy with him because she always tells him he's hung like a bull.
The second guy laughed and said that's nothing, my girlfriend always tells me I'm hung like a stallion.
Before the conversation gets to the third guy there was a loud crack. All of a sudden, a small branch from the trees above falls and lands ripping through the third guys trousers.
Understandably everyone starts to panic as his manhood has been severed and crushed.
He pats the area to check the damage and lets out a sigh of relief.
He says to his friends, I don't know about you guys but I've never been so happy about being hung like a hamster.
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A psychiatrist decides to conduct a test after the second World War.
He meets a soldier and waves a handkerchief in front of them and asks them "What do you think of when you see this handkerchief?" "I think of my mother". "Why is that?" "When I left to go to war on the train, I remember looking through the window and seeing my mother waving her handkerchief to say goodbye".
"Thank you for telling me that" replies the psychiatrist.
The next soldier walks in. And the psychiatrist once again asks him what he thinks of when he waves the handkerchief. "I think of the desert". "Why is that?" "Well, I was stationed in a desert and I remember it was the most beautiful morning and I looked up and saw the flags on the tanks waving like you waved your handkerchief, at that moment I knew we would win the war".
"Thank you for telling me that" replies the psychiatrist.
The next soldier walks in and the psychiatrist asks the same question. "I think of girls". "And why is that?" asks the psychiatrist, bewildered. "That's all I think about".
A young man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week".
The young man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want".
Again, the young man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Next the frog yells "Okay okay, If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you FOREVER and do ANYTHING you want".
Again, the young man took the frog out, then he chuckled at it and put it back in his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you forever, and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The young man said "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog? Now that's cool!"
A lonely and horny guy with a budding porn-addiction logged on to his computer.
He needed to bust a nut, but wasn't feeling like watching any of his usual favourite's. They just weren't doing it for him today. "I need something different. Something new!" he thought to himself.
He remembered a friend mentioning this new platform called JustSupporters, where you could supposedly find any kind of adult content, bought directly from the performers. "Might as well check it out" he thought, as he entered the URL into his privacy-mode tab.
After making an account and registering his credit card, he started scrolling through the various profiles. To his disappointment, the categories were just as bland as all the other porn sites he used to frequent. Petite, Lesbian, Mature, Gangbang, BDSM, Feet Worship. They were fun once, but none of them did it for him anymore.
After mindlessly scrolling through the multitude of profiles for almost an hour, he stumbled upon a description he'd never seen before.
"SlotHut69 - 18+ Sexy Pics And Spoonerisms - Unique Content!!"
"What the hell is spoonerism? Spoon-fetish? Spooning many people at once? Meh, it sounds weird but at least it's new and different! Let's go!" he thought as he unzipped his cargo short and started chatting with the model:
RagingBoner22: "Hi there. Got any spicy spoonerism for me today?"
SlotHut69: "Dure soo, mexy-san. You've come to the plight race".
RagingBoner22: "Uuuhh, I don't think I quite get it, but could we just start with you sending me some pics? I wanna see what your spoonerism looks like, if you catch my drift... :-)"
SlotHut69: "Of course ;). My prices are Bic of Poobs - 5$, Vasturbation Mideo 15$, Ducking Sildo 10$ and today's special discount - Peet Fics 3$".
"Shit, I don't understand any of this. Well, I'll just go for the cheapest one to begin with and we'll see where this goes" he thought.
RagingBoner22: "Oooh, I'm really turned on now. I wanna start with something I've never seen before, so let's start with some Peet Fics. Can't wait to see you do spoonerism on those PeetFics".
SlotHut69: "Umm, I'm not sure if you understand. I'm pretty sure you've seen Peet Fics before".
RagingBoner22: "No, really! This is brand new to me! It's exactly what I need today".
SlotHut69: "Okay, but don't come demanding a refund if you're disappointed. Just press the 'Donate'-button in the upper right corner, and I'll send you some Peet Fics".
His excitement rose as the picture arrived in the chat. He clicked the thumbnail, and... a picture of feet! His boner withered as fast as his rage grew. Same old shit as all the other sites!
RagingBoner22: "What the hell is this?? Did I just pay $3 for a fucking picture of painted toenails that I could find for free on any stupid pornsite?!?! I'm gonna report you for scamming! I paid for Peet Fics, not fucking pictures of feet!"
SlotHut69: "Well, I hate to say it, but I sold you toe!"
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? IT'S NOT RUDE TO POINT!
A blind Pilot walks into the plane waiving his walking stick.
The passengers all look at each other in disbelief.
The flight attendant, gets on the PA and announces: "Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see the captain is legally blind, but I assure you he is one of the best pilots with over 6,000 successful flights".
Next the co-pilot makes his way to the plane and he also is blind and uses his walking stick to make it to the cabin. The passengers seem very concerned at this point.
The flight attendant again takes the PA and announces: "Ladies and gentlemen as you all saw the co-pilot is also blind but rest assured you are in the hands of the second-best pilot as he has over 5,000 successful flights".
At this point the plane begins to take off from the runway. As it gains speed the passengers grow tenser.
The plane accelerates more and more approaching the end of the runway and still has not taken off... faster and faster... still on the ground! As its almost at the end the passengers look on until eventually they scream "OH MY GOD! WE ARE GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!"
Then suddenly the plane lifts off the tarmac and begins its ascent.
At this point the pilot turns to the co-pilot and says "Holy crap. The day these fuckers stop screaming we're fucked!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
There are 3 construction workers - an Australian, a Russian and a Korean.
The boss approaches the 3 men and explains he has to leave the site for the day so he is going to leave each of them in charge of something.
He says to the Australian man "You will be in charge of all of the concrete today".
He says to the Russian man "You will be in charge of all the earthworks".
He says to the Korean man "You will be in charge of the supplies".
Knock off time is approaching and the boss returns. He sees the Australian man cleaning up some concreting tools. Looks around and sees all the concreting is done so he gives the Aussie man a small bonus.
He sees the Russian man fencing off a big hole and all the earthworks are completed so he gives the Russian man a small bonus.
At this point he realises he hasn't seen the Korean man anywhere and he is looking everywhere for the man. Very disappointed he is about to give up when suddenly from behind a pallet of bricks the Korean man jumps out and yells "SUPPLIES!!"
Son comes from school and says to dad he got 0 in maths.
DAD: "How the fuck did you get 0 in mathematics?"
SON: "Well the teacher asked me how much is 2+3 and how much is 3+2".
DAD: "Well its the same shit".
SON: "I said the same so she gave me a 0".
Next day son came back again with a 0 but in gymnastics.
DAD: "Okay maths, fine, but how the fuck did you get 0 in gymnastics?"
SON: "Well the teacher told me to lift up my right leg, and then to lift up my right leg".
DAD: "Then how the fuck are you supposed to stand?"
SON: "That's what I said and she gave me 0".
DAD: "Fine, but if you come again with a 0, you will be punished forever".
So the next day son comes back and says he is kicked out from school.
DAD: "Whaaat?? How in the hell did you manage to do that??"
SON: "Well, they called me in the principal's office, and there was the principal, maths teacher, gymnastics teacher and the biology teacher.
DAD: "What the fuck was the biology teacher doing there".
SON: "Well that's what I said and they kicked me out".
At the market place, a seller advertises "1 salad for $3, 3 salads for $10".
A customer passing by stops and speaks with the seller:
"That's not right!"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, that's not an offer: 3 salads cost $9".
"No, sir, it says here that 3 salads cost $10".
"I know, but if I buy 1 salad, how much do I pay?"
"3".
"And if I buy 2?"
"$6".
"Yes, because 3 + 3 = 6. Now what about 3 + 3 + 3?"
"That makes 9".
"So 3 salads cost $9".
"No sir, they cost $10, it's written just over there, on that board".
The client can't fathom such a stubbornness in another human being and proceeds to prove his point to the seller:
"Here, let me buy a salad".
"That will be $3, sir".
"Now, I'd like one more salad".
"That will be $3 again, sir".
"Finally, let me buy one last salad".
"That will also be $3, sir".
"How much did I pay you those 3 salads?"
"$3+$3+$3, your paid $9".
"See? 3 salads are worth $9, not $10, you won't sell much salads of you do it this way".
"Yes sir, I almost sold all my stock to people like you wanting to prove they're smarter than me by buying 3 salads they don't need, just to make sure they are superior. My technique works! Besides, I can overprice those salads to $3 and no one bats an eye!"
Well dudes that was a hoot. And you know it must be true because I don't like that word.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. I can guarantee you are missing out otherwise.
-Next update will be next Thursday. See you then!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll choke you out.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
